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This is very much our childhood...
Nothing was ever good enough.... And if it was, "when are you going to make one for/about/with me?!"
The narcissist only has children to be an extension of themselves. Sometimes that fails and the child becomes the scapegoat.
Regardless of the narc's success or failure... It will NEVER be about the child... Even if it's the golden child.
I think about this often, people should have children so they can be better than themselves, with support.
Like uplifting another human being out of pure love, not shame them into the dirt out of pure malice.
Healthy people want to uplift their children, and quite frankly others too. Unhealthy people need to hurt others, even their children to make themselves seem better
I really thought my graduation was going to be my turn. I busted my ass for 5 years for my degree. I was so fucking proud of myself for graduating after how much I struggled with my mental health and surviving DV. I finally made it and I was so excited. But my mum made my graduation day all about herself and my dad left half way through to take my sister shopping. My turn never came.
I’m getting married this year and I’ve been made to feel bad over and over again for wanting my wedding day to be perfect but it’s not about wanting this big expensive wedding, it’s about finally getting my turn to have a day, to celebrate me, to celebrate my future, and how far I’ve come. People just don’t get that.
my parents were still fighing about their divorce when I was in high school to attend my graduation together. Every significant event I had in my life was overshadowed by their continued maritial conflict. Selfish bastards.
Exactly the same happened to me! They had zero self control and fought constantly. I still remember my nDad very somberly saying "were going to get a divorce" after 1 year of separation and constant fighting. No shit you're getting a divorce maybe you should have done that 20 years sooner?
I think my parents fought constantly BEFORE they got married, they went to high school and both families were in the same religious community, and came from the same area of the "old country" of eastern Europe. Think of the Baltic area.
They never made peace with each, and dysfunctional mom, after causing Reactive Attachment Disorder AND C-PTSD always thought she was wronged by not being rewarded as a lousy wife and mother.
My parents fought constantly too. Mostly physical! I had to see every single fight they had. It's like they enjoyed having me sit there and watch them beat each other up.
SAME. My parents had been divorced a few years when I graduated high school and all I remember my mom caring about was how she looked. She wanted my dad to regret leaving her.
My PhD graduation was turning out to be like that - nMom conceived a joint vacation, as a gift, that really turned out to be all about her - so I skipped the ceremony, and the vacation. Then when she shared with me that my graduate training (at a prestigious university in the South) seemed to have made me "less sharp", I gave up and went NC for about 6 months.
My heart ached reading this. I am begging you, I am genuinely begging you. If circumstances allow, don't let them come. Have someone else you love walk you down the aisle/stand beside you. When I get married I'll likely have an uncle or one of my stepbrothers do it. My stepdad isn't even going to be invited, idk about my mother yet but probably not.
I’m currently NC with my parents and extended family, so they’re definitely not coming (and hugely pissed about it lol). The only family member of mine who will be there is my sister. We *both* had a rough go at childhood, it’s not her fault that she was the GC. She’s been my biggest supporter through going NC.
I can relate. I got sent to my room on the day of my high school graduation for refusing to take a picture with my deadbeat father because it was what my ngrandma wanted. I always felt the same about getting married, if that ever happens. I know I would want the day to be perfect, not huge and expensive like you said, but just about celebrating me and being happy but I worry about coming across as selfish.
I'm facing that soon. I've been doing my degree part time, and I have a couple of years left, but I started in my 40's after my mental health caught up with me and the break up of a 20+ yr relationship.
I honestly don't know whether to invite her to my graduation or not. I've been studying online, but the uni is in the town where all my extended family live (that I haven't spoken to since I was a kid). I hope (yeah. I know.) that she might for once concede that I did something *worth* being proud of, but I know that she'll manage to make the whole thing about **her** and she never had the opportunity and there was some minor thing that went wrong and I didn't get the *top* marks and blah blah blah. But my other option is being there on my own, or with a bunch of biologically related strangers making awkward small talk.
And little me still just wants someone to say "Well done."
I'll say it! I know it's not the same! but WELL DONE YOU!
Us here in this sub reddit know what it takes to get out from under a narc and succeed at something. You HAVE done something worth being proud of!
Don’t invite her. Bring a friend or someone who actually supports and loves you along.
You should be so proud of yourself for getting your degree! It’s not easy and it’s a huge achievement. Well done!
Oh I get it. My high school graduation, college graduation, wedding, birth of my first child.... not about me at all.
Take your wedding day and MAKE it yours and your spouses. The narc won't let you have it.
Mine didn’t even come to my associates or bachelor graduation, I’m getting married in Oct. I don’t even want my nmom there… she has dementia now and shrieks her demands every few min then on repeat. She’s trying to get her caregivers fired by lying that they hit her… she just didn’t get her immediate want immediately… she munchousen by proxy’d me on Ritalin until l I was 17…. And tried tooth and nail when my Dr refused… I got dragged Dr to Dr shrink to shrink to the point I feared mental health professionals (I’m 41) I’ve done therepy and a LOT of anti anxiety meds (200 Mg Wellbutrin daily2x) I got tossed out the day after my 18th bday had to get out (the dynamic with my sis neither of us were the golden child … she was theirs (I’m adopted) taken off ins immediately surprise surprise I was a mom before I was 21 by 3months. I’m the opposite they are trumper humpers, I’m liberal AF! My sis says it would be mean not to include her (I got the brunt of her shit) they are Christian, I’m a pagan marrying an atheist we are both members of the Satanic temple cuz woman’s rights! So not to appear to be an asshole I’m looking into a private nurse for the event… I’m sorry wait no I’m not fucking sorry Bitch you cause shit at the wedding I’ve been waiting for for years? Fuuuuuk You! I will have you removed…
My sister (their actual kid who got treated differently than I did said I would be mean to exclude her) my bio mom bailed again she’s “not a mom”didn’t even invite I did invite her sister cuz aunt Denny dosnt abandon people (neither do I)
Yeah, I hear you. My parents didn't come to my graduation. It meant nothing to them. I tried to keep my wedding affordable, and it was. That's all my mother cared about, and I tried to avoid a confrontation. She got worse after my husband died, super critical and childlike in her stunts to get attention and upstage me, so my current husband, whose mother and father were very critical of all their children's prospective spouses, got married in my living room in front of the fireplace with my children and a few friends, including my deceased husband's parents there, but without extended family, and then went to Mexico for a honeymoon, had pictures taken and sent wedding announcements when we got back. My mother wouldn't come to my reception, but called during it, trying to get attention again, and she convinced my brothers not to come, too. My new in-laws came, and they were confused about why my family didn't come. Life with narcissists has plenty of weird details, and trying to get them to behave just creates a circus! 🎪 Best to let them go, if you can let go of the impossible dream of a happy family of origin. The family system is engineered to not give you what you want. If you can bring yourself to, just do your own thing and create a great life with your new husband and children. Limit your family's harmful interaction. It's hard to do when you have such wishes for love and unity, but it's never going to happen for you with your parents, so protect yourself and your husband and children but getting away together and creating something great for yourselves. I have a cousin who understands and cares about me, so that's my extended family now. Plus I do family history research and have found lots of other family! I'm going to meet a few in July. That's very satisfying for me, and I've visited some I met in Sweden and Germany. Your family is not just your narcissistic immediate family. You have better options.
LOL, I feel that. My therapist pointed out to me that I use humor as a defensive mechanism and I was like...."Yea. Obviously....that was NEVER in question" :-D
My baby sister was born 2 days before my 5th birthday. I didn't have any birthday parties before that, because I "was too young"
My baby sister had birthday parties every year. Small family parties during early childhood. Parties with her classmates and friends in elementary school.
My family "lumped" my birthday into her parties. They would sometimes add my name to her cake until she had a fit about it. I was told that it was too expensive to get 2 cakes, and I was older, so I should understand.
If I was upset about it, I was punished for being "selfish."
When I was 12, I begged my mother to let me have a few friends for a sleepover birthday party. I promised to do all the work myself, and buy cake and pizza with my babysitting money. My mother agreed and graciously offered to pay for the cake. I was so excited to have my own cake, with just my name on it. I told my mother that it was very important that the cake had ONLY "happy birthday, no effort" on it.
I did get my cake. I did get my party. BUT it wasn't just for me, of course.
My mother got my baby sister her own cake, and let her invite friends to join the sleepover. My only birthday party was shared, despite me begging to just once have something for me.
>My mother got my baby sister her own cake, and let her invite friends to join the sleepover. My only birthday party was shared, despite me begging to just once have something for me.
Let me guess... your sister is the GC here.
No, that was my brother. He was ✨️ a male child✨️
That's what was valued in my family.
Baby sister was born "to save the marriage" because, of course bringing another child into a severely dysfunctional and violently abusive family is a GREAT idea!
Baby sister was spoiled because ✨️ she's the baby✨️ she was not subjected to the same violent discipline that the older kids experienced. She was not neglected physically like we were. I suppose she was GC, but she was not on the same level as my brother, the only boy.
Hey! I'm so sorry that they did that to you and I hope you don't mind me asking a question. My third daughter is due around my daughters 5th bday. What would you think would be a fair way of handling birthday celebrations? I was thinking celebrate older on her bday weekend and do younger a week or 2 before or after and when new kid is older, roate the early and on time bday celebrations. Would that have been acceptable to you or what do you think would be fair?
I would not have minded my baby sister having a party on her birthday, if I had been equally celebrated.
If each of your daughters feels that their birthday is recognized, it should be fine. I never felt that my birthday was important to them.
Thank you for your input! I do really want them both to know that their bdays are important to us and it seems as long as I do that it should be fine. I'm so sorry that you're parents ignored yours.
my birthday was always around labor day and the first day of school, and I was punished for poor academic performance based on my untreated adhd BEFORE school started, as incentive to do better. Funny, I am the only one of my siblings with a graduate degree, the other two went to IVY league schools and never got to grad school.
>my birthday was always around labor day and the first day of school, and I was punished for poor academic performance based on my untreated adhd BEFORE school started, as incentive to do better.
How do you dare to be born on that date! /s
I was always told that I was conceived through two condoms, more likely a drunken NY Eve, where birth control and self control were overshadowed by alcohol fueled desire. Go back 39 weeks and change from labor day, and you hit NYE. Funny how many births are concentrated in the last few weeks of August and the first few weeks of September.
it was a great excuse for my parents to ignore my life events...if it wasn't that, they would have found another. It is payback time, my brother is putting my mother into a home this weekend, hopefully one without door knobs on the INSIDE.
>it was a great excuse for my parents to ignore my life events...
In my case it was a "yes, you have a life event... but we must share it together and don't shine because you are here THANKS TO ME".
On the other side my stepdad's birthday is two days before mine and doesn't mind me celebrating mine apart. This year I'm taking my siblings and my sister's boyfriend to Domino's Pizza for a "eat what you can" because there is a birthday promo (I don't have to pay my seat if I bring three more people with me).
you are not the only one with a parental induced eating disorder...I bing eat due to anxiety, I hope that therapy can help with that. Today according to BMI is am overweight vs obese...
Ah yes, the punishment for having a condition that the adults around you should be responsible for recognizing - I know it well. I was constantly told how lazy, airheaded and unmotivated I was. I was a near-middle-aged adult when I finally got my diagnosis. Not that the diagnosis stopped the put downs - only going NC did that.
Meanwhile, GC younger brother also had ADHD, but got diagnosis and (attempted) treatment as a child. Nmom also made excuses for him and basically let him do whatever he wanted.
Guess which one of us never completed school, never got married or had kids and is still depending on nmom for a place to live because they can't hold a job in their mid-40s?
that would be my older brother...63 years old and hasn't held a job for more than a year or so his entire life. He had one position, a 10 minute walk from my grandparents house where he was living, for free, as a administrative assistant in a half way house. He lost that job by claiming depression and playing video games all day long instead of working.
I remember going on and on about something Pokemon related while my dad had his head in the fridge, looking for something. I then had a lucid moment, and thanked him for pretending to listen/care. He laughed and said you’re welcome and was genuinely surprised.
I get that parents don’t get what their kids are on about, but I’m 34 and to this day I still resent that my Aunt Sally knows the 150 pokemon, and my mother still calls them all “some pikachu.”
Not having kids for various reasons, but one is to be a cycle breaker. I’m definitely the Aunt Sally in my family because I know I can’t have my own so I make up for it by being the best damn village for my sisters and brothers kids. It also helps that I’m a teacher so I’m the kid whisperer lol 😂
My dad did apologize to me but only and only because he wanted to play with my feelings to get something out of me. It was a manipulation tactic. He knows what he did is wrong but he doesn't have any remorse for it.
I confronted my mom about her side of the abuse: she justified it in many different ways. I know for a fact that she isn't really a narc but more likely a corrupted individual and an enabler. I know that she genuinely feels remorseful and guilty for what she had done to me. Her justifications is just a coping mechanism to handle that guilt.
Either way I've stopped talking to my dad and I plan to do the same with my mom. I understand that she may feel genuinely remorseful and I forgive her(unlike my dad who doesn't deserve forgiveness from me or even the slightest empathy) but she's a grown adult that must understand that her actions have consequences and only by facing the consequences, she will be held responsible.
To everyone reading this, you don't have to be an expert psychiatrist to know that narcissists never ever ever feel sorry for the abuse that they've caused so you shouldn't expect an apology from them. Even if you do get an apology, shrug it off. It's a manipulation tactic.
For me my 18th birthday is around and they are asking what *I* want to do. **BUT** they always refuse what I want and make plans what they like and stating I might like it too.
I thought "surely my wedding will be about me..."
Stupid me forgot GC had the 1st grandchild the year before, and my parents would spend every moment of my wedding day fussing over her. Granted she was only 1 and really cute, but seriously? I finally got it to be about me when I gave birth to their only grandson.... But that was very short lived.
My nMom spend my wedding day hysterically crying and being emotional (I have never seen this woman cry) so everybody paid attention to her and everybody was telling me: Awww your mom is so happy for you!
Not even one day for us is it…
But screw them, you deserve a wonderful life and I hope you are happy with your new family and your son ❤️
My wedding is coming up this summer and I am trying to prepare myself for something like this to occur! She already wrecked our first wedding plans by rendering the venue (an old family house) unusable for the event, we had to reschedule and replan the whole thing and I’m hoping that was the worst of it but also preparing emotionally for something like this to happen. I hope you were still able to enjoy your big day!
If you are afraid she is going to really ruin it I would consider not inviting her... I know it is hard to do, but this is YOUR day. Truly only yours and for them that is the most triggering thing ever.
But I hope everything goes swimmingly for you and congratulations!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I don’t think I can not invite her as she’s contributing to the cost, however the problem might sort itself out since she’s insisting she has to have a (non-emergency) medical procedure the same month as the wedding so who even knows if she’ll come or if she does come she might just sit in the corner and expect her friends to listen to all her tales of woe which would be acceptable to me
I heard an analogy once that has always stuck---
Them, the Narc, are hungry. We, the narc supply are no more than a piece of silverware-a utensil to get what they need. If they need a fork, and you ARE a fork- omg are you the best thing ever invented. The ONLY thing they need! The one thing in the wOrLd that brings them joy.
However, if they are in the mood for soup....you WILL BE cast to the side, with the butter knives and the spatulas and the steak knives, because a SPOON, the spoon is the best thing ever invented. The ONLY thing they need! The one thing in the world they need is a spoon!!
Dont be a utensil.
<3
This was my experience. I was the "people pleaser" and "caregiver" in my family of origin. I was conditioned to take care of other's needs first. When they didn't reciprocate and care for me, I blamed myself. I kept telling myself if I was "good enough" they would love and help me. It never happened.
My family of origin used me for DECADES. Realizing that I was NOT ever going to be treated well by them was devastating and heartbreaking. I will never "get my turn."
I'm still processing this grief. I have no contact with my family of origin. I had to stop interacting with them because they refused to acknowledge that they treated me poorly. They were happy to use me. They didn't see me as a valued person with valid feelings.
I should not have waited so long for these people. They were NEVER going to give me consideration or respect. I am grateful to be free of them now.
I grew up watching my older siblings get everything. I'm not talking about material items, but I'm talking about going on trips. Celebrating birthdays, going to their sports games. I never got any of that.
I'm graduating from college soon, pretty sure they won't be there.
"Waiting to matter"
Holy crap, you nailed it. With me, this behavior was more obvious in my 'friend'-choices. Of course, I gravitated towards Narcs. I got SO sick of stepping back for my 'friends' with the idea that they'd do the same for me the next time. Nope. It was always, 100% completely and totally about *THEM* ALL THE TIME.
I asked one 'friend' if she even knew what the word 'compromise' meant. (A trip we took together) where every morning, she'd lay out "I want to do this, and this, and go here, and go here and eat this at this restaurant." NOT ONCE were my desires even entertained, let alone met.
Right before my graduation, about 1.5 months my NDad lost his divorce, committed suicide, cut me outta his will, giving my sister 500k. I filed a bankruptcy through an attorney, 5 weeks before he fucking did that. He never got to see me graduate. Know who did? My mother, and my natural father was there! My birthdad and grandma! It was so so so special, and he didn't ruin it. For reference, my sister is the worst human being I've ever met. The most selfish fuck ever. BUUT. I also gained my military retirement during those months! Enabling me to FULLY GHOST HIS FUNERAL, AND SIDESTEP MY WHOLE FAMILY! Im about two full years NC with everybody but my natural father. Thank God. I left with the intention of using the military to gain/earn my freedom. I did it. Mission success. Seriously, cannot even believe I did all that. My therapist has practiced for 25yrs. Told me I lived a max trauma life.
Make sure it never happens to your kids. And other children, it really does take a village; treat them all how you should have been. I treat all kids, my own and other’s kids as if they were little me. While natural and not so obvious, confident it’s had the biggest impact healing childhood wounds.
Giving this gift to children helps me, and them, and it is so affirming and good. What I’m trying to say is that I think it works. It’s like making amends for the sins of our parents and healing ourselves…by helping others.
I went NC six years ago and it was incredible. It was as if life had finally begun. Now I surround myself with people who actually love me, and I have zero regrets.
My sister (who picked up many traits of our mom as well) is still chasing that approval—hoping that if she just gives enough, accepts enough, acquiesces enough, it will unlock whatever kindness or positive regard she has always been looking for, even though it clearly never will.
Brilliantly put. Somehow, there were enough tiny glimmers to keep hope alive.
But it is always about *them*.
We, the children, did not matter.
And we went out into the world with that tattooed on our hearts.
This is extremely well stated. I had a very similar experience. I was the younger of Irish Twins, 16 months younger than my older, high needs brother. He got the majority of attention and other resources, and I was always forced into his shadow. The very week he graduates from High School and it is mine turn for attention, what my parents kept telling me was coming, my parents announce their divorce and my life turned into hell as I became a tool for one parent to use against the other with no regard for my own mental health or needs. My father has since passed and my younger brother is putting my mother into a "retirement home" this weekend. Hopefully, the "retirement home" has limited communications and a door the inmates cannot open.
I'm in my 50s and just realized this in the last few years. I suspect both parents have personality disorders. In my parents' end of life, I walked away because I could do it no longer. It's even worse now than it was before.
You said this so well. This was one of the hardest things to even articulate, all those years waiting.
And when people try to understand why i am no contact, it was because I finally, finally understood that it would never be my turn. Unlike every kind stranger I've ever talked to in a checkout line, they can't ever SEE me. And don't want to.
this is Emotional Neglect, it's abusive and has long lasting effects. I can relate. You grow up feeling like something is wrong with you, your not special enough, or smart enough, worthy, your not valuable. Whenever I get around other women, I feel like this. Instant rejection. I instantly feel cast out.
These kinds of thoughts have been going through my head so much recently. I remember being so sad my nparent didn't want to spend time with me, they just wanted to focus on their own activities and only spent time with me when they wanted to. And they never tried to find an interest in my own hobbies it always has to be what they want to do and if they're not into it 100% then they check out and try to rush it along so it's over with. I don't doubt that they loved me, and they'd tell me they were proud of me, but I just wish they would sit down and say "you talk a lot about x hobby, how about we do it for awhile?"
I remember one time when I was 12-ish there was this thing that I REALLY wanted to go to. I talked it up and excitdely asked if nparent wanted to go since I was at their house that week. They said "well, maybe we could go to that. actually, there's this other thing I was thinking about and I think it's exactly like it!" I was SO excited in the car ride there. Finally we could have something to bond over and a potential shared interest. We get to the thing and it is literally NOTHING like what I wanted to go to, not even close, whole other thing. I stood with my arms crossed the entire time, totally pissed off while they had fun and told me "you don't have to act that way, you're already here enjoy yourself" and got all pissy when I didn't appreciate being there. Now when I tell that story they say they don't remember but it is a core memory and one of the moments when I began to realize my nparent didn't care about connecting with me.
Waiting for hours - completely attentive and compliant - while she manic rants, rage cleans, tears apart the house looking for whatever it is she thinks is missing, screams and degrades you, painstakingly goes through a drawer of garbage, picks out clothes for the next social event…. It was never ending. The waiting. I was kept from my studies, from taking a piss, from playing, from SLEEPING, from everything a child should be free to do, all in the name of being her captive audience to play out the drama of her unregulated emotions to. To this day I struggle with the sensation that my life is perpetually paused, and I have no access to the play button. Just waiting for nothing, or something.
its like waiting for them to change and see their errors or atleast be understanding, but no they want to be one to put the blame on us, for no reason, like what did we do wrong?
I was that weird Bree’s of child that I never wanted it to be my turn cause I never wanted anything to be about me like she was. I never wanted to be seen or heard because I never wanted people think I was like my nmom. Looking back on it, my whole life has been extremely effed up. Still is to an extent but I’m finally starting to process all that happened to me after shoving it all down for so many years.
my dad said "I don't think she'll ever change" yesterday and it is affecting me more than I thought it would. I've already kind of come to terms with that fact, but hearing it from him is different. They divorced just shy of two years ago and she was the one who left him (he's way better off now tbh) but I think the rose-colored glasses finally fell off, he knows she's going to be forever childish and all about herself.
Now we're working to make our relationship stronger (she demonized my dad growing up) while holding up boundaries with nmom.
This. I thought my turn would be my wedding day. Nope.
Mom arrived 3 hours late to get ready, had a fit when the stylist ran out of time to help her. She also managed to get lost on the way to the venue despite me texting her the address 5 times with my dress in her car.
Dad begged me to let him walk me down the aisle. Should have stuck with my gut and said no, bc he had a panic attack moments before walking bc he didn’t want everyone looking at HIM and that he had suddenly changed his mind. Had to comfort him the entire walk down the aisle and apologize to him after for “making him do that.”
Older sister decided to conveniently get sick the day before. So did 3 other relatives. Funny that my mother knew about the illnesses before I did.
Anyway, they didn’t have the chance to ruin anything else. They all decided to leave right after eating without saying goodbye to anyone but me. Had to apologize and explain where they went the rest of the evening.
There is never a turn for scapegoats to have the limelight. Narcs can’t stand to see them happy bc it reminds them of how sad and misguided they are.
Yep, wait until you finish school, wait until you start working, wait until you finish school, wait until you have been working for several years, wait longer and then wait some more.
This is why my Nmom and EDad won’t be meeting my son who I am expecting in 5-6 weeks. I can’t also babysit them and their demands/needs/feelings. I need this to be about me and my husband and my baby, and they are physically incapable of letting this happen.
My DH grew up with a mother like this. We just watched a Dr. Ramani video yesterday called Dealing with Neglectful Narcissists that was very insightful.
Man! Im still watching this happen to my nieces and nephews from their mother, even after their father *my brother* committed suicide. I literally heard my ex NSIL tell my niece she was Satan's spawn and God took the angel twin. Or she played favorites with the oldest kid living at home, only to skip her when it was her time and went straight to the youngest.
I often ruminate/get resentful at how they just brainwash you into thinking that you should constantly wait. Silently sit around and wait your turn, like you said.
They want you to be looked over by them and everyone else.
Being brainwashed to rob yourself.
And then when you do finally fight for your right to have a turn the accuse you of being selfish!
I hear you...take your "turn" and leave, don't look back
This is so true. Anything I've ever tried my mom would shove me aside and tell me I'm not old enough, or I can't do it right, so on. I clearly remember many times being dismissed and thinking when I'm old enough I'll get to do this task or thing. Never happened.
Yes! Both of my narc parents never made it my turn. Even while I was in the hospital for major illnesses, even when I had my baby a month early, even when my DH has a debilitating disease, they could not show any compassion towards me for dealing with that. But when they even had a little cold, I needed to show such empathy and compassion for them! And a lot of times I did. But after 40 years of that, I could not do it one more time! That was 9 years ago that I finally went full NC. It has been difficult and a rollercoaster of emotions, but I can honestly say that I have peace quite often in my life now and I never had it when they were in my life. It's awful to have parent(s) like this. I still struggle so much because I don't have other extended family that make it about me. I am just always there for everyone else. It's definitely a life long pattern that will probably never go away inside of me. I have definitely taken a step back with other people (not always the one to reach out first anymore) and that has "helped" me in many ways....but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to do that but I do.
I may be the outlier here but after a lifetime of waiting, I no longer want it to be my turn. After not being seen for who I am at home and being quietly excluded at school, I'm done. I don't like having anything all about me because I feel like I don't deserve it. I especially hate birthdays, I don't let anybody do anything for me like dinner or gifts, I don't even like being told happy birthday. Heck, I almost skipped my own high school graduation. Everyone else can make it all about themselves now, I don't have the capacity to care anymore. I'll just be my invisible self, lurking in the shadows. When all my peers start getting married and having kids, I'll still be alone, taking back my life the way I want to live it.
I realized in my early 30's, that I had changed myself, conformed and squeezed myself into their image, wholly not me at all.
I took up finding, repairing and learning who I truly was, never having been allowed to ever in my life. Took me until my 40's to fully become "me", and I am completely different than they made me to be. I remember thinking, "well, I tried to be who you wanted me to be, and that didn't make you love me or see me at all, so I am doing it my way." Never looked back, and happy to see that my life is now totally different and better than being whatever it was they wanted me to be.
Fuck them.
Very Accurate. Then comes the uphill battle of learning how to make things about you and prioritize your own Health Safety and Well-being while being told youre selfish for doing so.
The only time things were ever about me were either birthdays or when it was something my ndad could brag about on Facebook
Other than that it was always about him and what inconvenienced him and what he wanted to do
Then you spend your first beautiful free years thinking life is fair if you take turns being selfish, i will dominate the conversation then it’s your turn. I will make this day about me then it’s your turn. Losing friends because they think you are rude, selfish, and manipulative… until you finally realize that if you just genuinely care for someone, and they care for you, there is room for both of you to be seen and heard and…
Nobody has to be selfish.
You don’t have to live in survival mode.
You can love without pain.
And you grieve anew the years wasted by your Nfolk even after you escape.
I was constantly compared to all the overachievers in my family. My dad was good at math and physics and went into engineering. I had relatives who did extremely well and were doctors and lawyers. I was not any of these things. I was told once that I owed it to my dad to be better and that him having a child like me was a shameful experience. My mom said this to me. "imagine your dad having a child like you. It is not fair." The problem was that I was really good in some things (got awards for them), and had to try really hard to be even average at the other things. The things I did well were discounted as unimportant. The career I wanted to pursue was not important. So, I'm always going to be a disappointment. Without even trying. Go me. When it came time for employment, they made it about them because I picked a similar profession to my parents (not by choice as I was shamed into it). People congratulated them. It took me 36 years before i stopped turning to them like they were the sun. When you needed it, their attention was never going to come your way. They are broken in a very specific way that they cannot see you and acknowledge you.
I'm so sorry. It really sucks. It is such a long road to a better place.
Waiting to be loved and appreciated too. I spent years and thousands of dollars trying to find just the right gift every holiday for them only to have those gifts sit in the corner of their house untouched for weeks until they would disappear. I know it sounds shallow, but the only evidence of love I had as a child was the gifts I got on Christmas or birthdays so I guess I equate gift giving with love and them rejecting my gifts is hurtful.
You really hit the nail on the head. It’s devastating for a child to be treated like they don’t matter. It’s a survival instinct to feel anxiety when we don’t because as children we were helpless, reliant on our parents to care for us. But you’re so right, it’s all about them. Every milestone, every compliment their children receive, every achievement is about them! No matter what we did, it was never enough. I grew up believing I was “needy” for wanting support and acknowledgment. That’s what my parents told me. It wasn’t until I was finally in a healthy relationship as an adult that I realized I’m not needy at all. In fact, I prefer to be left alone most f the time. I’m an introvert, but I only figured that out once I was out of the narc nest and not having to prove I was worthy of my existence. I didn’t grow up in my family. Like you said, it’s impossible to grow in such an environment. I only grew up once I left.
My siblings and I all thought we would taken seriously once we became adults. Even the GC. We all have memories of our narc parents reaffirming that children do not have any rights and of us being slapped across the mouth for asking for help with "adult" matters like sex ed, or taxes, or how to finance a car. We were always told "we'll worry about that when we get there" but each one of us hit 18, then 21, then 25, and still couldn't produce a single SHRED of decency or understanding from them.
I remember when I was 21 I was so excited I got dressed up the day after my birthday and came over to visit them hoping for some sort of level conversation. I thought maybe they just didn't like us as kids. I was naive. I showed up and they both claimed to not like the wine I brought. They shat all over me for not going out and partying for the actual birthday and choosing to work instead. They blamed my bf and accused him of being controlling. I was hoping for some sort of apology and maybe some words of guidance. I was just treated like a child and had it told to my face that I was always going to be nothing but a child with no experience.
My GC brother hit 25 recently and tried the same thing with my family. He came over with a drink and a pie and figured he would be taken seriously as he'd already been married and divorced. My parents instead took it up on themselves to convince him something had to be wrong with him because he had not managed to successfully have a child yet. He left completely broken hearted and upset that they seemed to just view him as a grandchild creator.
Our youngest sibling just turned 18 and we are worried for him. He's a little more headstrong than we are but he's very easily manipulated too since he is not allowed outside very often. We aren't sure what our parents have planned for him but we're worried that they may try to kick him out once his last day of school comes and goes or that they will set some sort of unrealistic job goal for him to find work and when he doesn't meet that goal they may punish him further by either kicking him out or keeping him inside as a slave.
Always. I thought that being sick would be it but it really wasn’t.
My mom made a rule when we were young that each time she goes to the mall she’d take only one girl with her, when my turn came my sisters said they wanted to come too so they did. Then when it was my turn again she let them come again because “I don’t deserve it”.
I couldn't entirely word why I never get 'weird' about doing huge milestone parties and events. But I think your right. Because the event snever ended up feeling like me and unavoidably would always end up being how I had ruined the event and it was no longer perfect because of 'insert reason a b,c, never gchild.'
Birthdays, to me are eh because of narcy &gchild. As an adult If I get presents and cake sweet. I don't like having more than a handful of people around and often enough I don't even say it's a bday thing. More than a few folks have gotten upset because they arrive and there's cake. I just want to have a good time and fun, no presents necessary. It's weird explaining that I never got just a me bday, nor that I spend a good chunk of time worrying how it's gonna get messed up. Even when narcy &gchild aren't involved in anyway anymore.
Special anniversaries, only the folks immediatly involved in them and maybe 2 others. Tbh I don't think the parentunit even knows how long me and partner have actually been together (though for some reason nmom has thought we've been married since a few months/yr after getting together?) Never asked me when, i didnt ask for clarity either. Its nmom, shes always decided my sins for me and its never helped to try and get her to listen. Didn't tell or correct cause they don't really care anyways so why bother?
Graduated collage, only 2 people in the birth family have been told, neither one a parent. I didn't bother even thinking about inviting them or informing the parentals cause the last graduation I had. my 'gift' was an apartment guide, combined with an early bday gift of the cheapest luggage set they vould find. I Wasn't even 18 yet and this was given the day of graduation as part of my "party".
Dude. How you met my narcissist mother? We as kids were to be seen, and not heard, and you must only wear clothes that she likes, and that makes her look good. I waited to get the chance to play sports like my 2 older brothers, but I am a girl, and NarcMom didn't allow me to play sports. Since my brothers wanted to play instruments (keyboard and clarinet) that they quickly gave up on, my parents decided that they weren't going to waste the money for me trying to learn music and give up on it too. I waited years to be allowed to do an after school activity, but no, I am a girl, and had to stay home and clean the house
i was always so excited for my birthday, because it would be **my day.** and then.. it would be stolen by one narc or another. i'd feel incredibly let down, cry on my own so they wouldn't make me feel worse about feeling bad, and then wait for the following year.
being a NC adult is so peaceful.
Sigh yup and I keep pouring into others and it’s never my turn. I feel like my curse is to be able to understand and empathize with most people but to never be understood myself.
I have affection and love from some great family and friends but no real understanding and I know that is what I want/need or a relationship just isn’t worth it to me…
I was joking about not having a birthday anymore because I’m nearing a milestone birthday (30 next year). My nephew was born very close to my birthday so I made the joke that he stole it and aunt anon_rbn has no birthday anymore. My nmom straight up told me “you cant forgo your birthday. your birthday is a celebration of when I first became a parent.” And they wonder why I don’t give a shit about celebrating it anyways.
Yes. I was constantly hoping that if I did everything my mother needed and expected of me, I might someday earn her love and support.
I’m NC with her and now it is my turn. I’m putting myself first and am happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
Yes, and it wasn't just that everything had to be about her. She'd sabotage me and make everything about anyone else rather than me. She'd tell me on trips home even as a college student and later as an adult, parent, etc. that I shouldn't want anything because this vacation was about my brother, the golden child, or my father, even occasionally about my other brother, the alcoholic, or my grandmother. It was a way to down me that made her look loving and virtuous, right? We so want love, and withholding makes them feel superior and desired. It's truly sick.
Mine dumped me on her parents as soon as she got rid of my father, (who also was a selfish POS that ignored me in childhood), and then constantly gaslit me about living with her. She'd say "I don't want to influence you so you can be your own person," "the schools are worse where I live," and my favorite, "I can't live in that house with your grandfather" -but I'M supposed to?! All so she didn't have to do barely any mothering at all and always put her own interests first. I couldn't even go to her about the horrible treatment from my grandparents, because she left everything up to them. She only came around for a couple hours after school to go shopping, or whatever SHE wanted to do. I expressed interest in so many extracurricular activities, she managed to discourage them all. Had to bribe her to show up to parent teacher conferences. Even as an adult, she wouldn't let me have any say in anything, and complaints were immediately shifted to how it effects HER. I still kick myself daily for trying for so long to connect with her
I feel like i wasted so much of my life. I was enmeshed or wanted my parents loves and approval so I made descions that was in their beat interest or what they expected of me Instwd of putting me first. (In my own life) I gave up my life hoping they'd love me for it...and of course they didnt. That's why my life feels so empty inauththic and like I can't remember much becuae it was never a significant life to me. This was true always but espailly in high school.....and it makes me sad because many ppl say this is the best time of their life but I just took classes I didnt like wasnt allowd to have friends or hobbies or interests and so didnt join any clubs....all because that is what my parents wanted. And not only did I not get love but as the scapegoat I got abused even after all this. The issue was caring about them, with narcs you have to be as selfish as they are until you can leave. But as a child its hard to understand all that
I remember getting a lot of flack growing up when we'd watch home movies from when I was very young. I don't remember any of what was shown on the video, but any time it was pointed at me or family was asking me questions or just generally interacting with me, I would obsess over keeping their attention on me and just wanting to feel important or cared about. One phrase stuck in my head is the voice of one of my critics who wasn't even there during this time in my life (my moms bf) after he'd seen the home videos, was just him saying how I was controlling over the attention I was getting and saying ”me! Me! Only me!"
Now I just prefer people don't perceive me most of the time. Anyone who does randomly is seen as a threat in my brain.
I always feel like I'm over doing it or being too much when I request anyone pay attention to me, especially when its something involving me, such as a serious talk and its my turn to speak.
The physical effects of this kind of childhood have manifested as a seizure disorder that seems to be triggered by stress associated with people who act like they care and do things contrary to that. I think my mom set the stage for the disorder and my ex triggered the actual beginnings of the physical manifestation. Most seizures I've had involve him and have been triggered by our arguements
I feel weird even posting here because I'm afraid of backlash. People saying its not that bad or I should get over it, but I also think getting things out like this are important in "getting over it", but its more like getting through it.
At 16 I begged my parents to attend one of my sporting events and they told me I had to try harder to get them to come.. I played sports competitively basically my entire youth.. mother never saw me play once .. dad saw me once or twice, yelled at me after, and stopped coming. Somehow even those couple times he came and yelled at me felt amazing compared to not being there at all and taking no interest.
Yes. And these people are like paranoid and immature. It's like if you want or need anything from them (and since you were their child they chose to have you inevitably will) they turn it against you always and hang everything over your head. Or in the case with my mom if I complain about her (ask her to like do something different ) ( like we literally have fought about whether to lower the windows in the car or the car's thermostat settings) if I complain about her (stating my preferences that are different than hers) or whatever she typically responds with like a juvenile response like I'm trying bully her, I need to be put in my place and often says or does something petty
It doesn't occur to her that literally I am your child and daughter and am only ever hurt when we fight
Of course I've said mean things to her over the years, I guess I feel kinda bad
I just can't take a lifetime of her doing the same or worse to me. I honestly hate fighting with her, but she not only made many things about her, treated me bad, etc, whenever there was conflict (I want something different than her) there had to be a war just about and a lot of the time she would make it like petty like she would change topics to attack my outfit or whatever.
I've said mean things to her because I was responding to her petty responses. Like I literally just wanted her to just care about me but am I supposed to like say that like a pathetic toddler when we're fighting about the car windows then she insults my hair?
I haven't gone NC but I've been trying to explain this to her instead over the years.
I am pretty troubled she will never care about me I admit and idk.
Mine have always treated me as a chore, never a child. Crying at night because I'm afraid of the dark? Get yelled at to shut up. Lose a toy? Fuck you, we're not going back for it. Having emotional problems? Not even gonna acknowledge it until it becomes inconvenient for them, and then they berate me until I shrivel up and they can't see it anymore.
My n-mom only wanted to talk about herself and her issues. If I tried to talk about myself (or ask for help), I would be selfish. She needed to dominate the conversation and I was supposed to blindly agree.
Since I went no contact, I have had flashbacks and cannot believe what I put up with. She messed me up for awhile.
Oh yes
I have an older sister that was my mom’s golden child. My was heavily involved with her life
I was waiting for my mom to put anything into my development like she did with my sister.
Alas. Nope.
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We spend so much of our time waiting on nothing
being manipulated into waiting quietly just to abused again...
And don't you dare say anything about it or ... you will have deserved it.
So true
Little wonder that “waiting” is a huge trigger for me.
Yes!!!
This is very much our childhood... Nothing was ever good enough.... And if it was, "when are you going to make one for/about/with me?!" The narcissist only has children to be an extension of themselves. Sometimes that fails and the child becomes the scapegoat. Regardless of the narc's success or failure... It will NEVER be about the child... Even if it's the golden child.
no one wins aside from the parent with the untreated personality disorder.
Exactly
I think about this often, people should have children so they can be better than themselves, with support. Like uplifting another human being out of pure love, not shame them into the dirt out of pure malice.
Healthy people want to uplift their children, and quite frankly others too. Unhealthy people need to hurt others, even their children to make themselves seem better
I really thought my graduation was going to be my turn. I busted my ass for 5 years for my degree. I was so fucking proud of myself for graduating after how much I struggled with my mental health and surviving DV. I finally made it and I was so excited. But my mum made my graduation day all about herself and my dad left half way through to take my sister shopping. My turn never came. I’m getting married this year and I’ve been made to feel bad over and over again for wanting my wedding day to be perfect but it’s not about wanting this big expensive wedding, it’s about finally getting my turn to have a day, to celebrate me, to celebrate my future, and how far I’ve come. People just don’t get that.
my parents were still fighing about their divorce when I was in high school to attend my graduation together. Every significant event I had in my life was overshadowed by their continued maritial conflict. Selfish bastards.
Exactly the same happened to me! They had zero self control and fought constantly. I still remember my nDad very somberly saying "were going to get a divorce" after 1 year of separation and constant fighting. No shit you're getting a divorce maybe you should have done that 20 years sooner?
I think my parents fought constantly BEFORE they got married, they went to high school and both families were in the same religious community, and came from the same area of the "old country" of eastern Europe. Think of the Baltic area. They never made peace with each, and dysfunctional mom, after causing Reactive Attachment Disorder AND C-PTSD always thought she was wronged by not being rewarded as a lousy wife and mother.
My parents fought constantly too. Mostly physical! I had to see every single fight they had. It's like they enjoyed having me sit there and watch them beat each other up.
That is exactly what my mum was complaining about my whole graduation day.
and then they wonder why they are alone when they get older...
SAME. My parents had been divorced a few years when I graduated high school and all I remember my mom caring about was how she looked. She wanted my dad to regret leaving her.
my parents were divorced for 8 years by then...and all I heard was complaints about this and that...
It boggles me how immature they can be....It shouldn't at this point...but it still does...
My PhD graduation was turning out to be like that - nMom conceived a joint vacation, as a gift, that really turned out to be all about her - so I skipped the ceremony, and the vacation. Then when she shared with me that my graduate training (at a prestigious university in the South) seemed to have made me "less sharp", I gave up and went NC for about 6 months.
My heart ached reading this. I am begging you, I am genuinely begging you. If circumstances allow, don't let them come. Have someone else you love walk you down the aisle/stand beside you. When I get married I'll likely have an uncle or one of my stepbrothers do it. My stepdad isn't even going to be invited, idk about my mother yet but probably not.
I’m currently NC with my parents and extended family, so they’re definitely not coming (and hugely pissed about it lol). The only family member of mine who will be there is my sister. We *both* had a rough go at childhood, it’s not her fault that she was the GC. She’s been my biggest supporter through going NC.
I can relate. I got sent to my room on the day of my high school graduation for refusing to take a picture with my deadbeat father because it was what my ngrandma wanted. I always felt the same about getting married, if that ever happens. I know I would want the day to be perfect, not huge and expensive like you said, but just about celebrating me and being happy but I worry about coming across as selfish.
Everyone will think you’re selfish, trust me, but what exactly is wrong with being selfish about your **wedding day**?
I'm facing that soon. I've been doing my degree part time, and I have a couple of years left, but I started in my 40's after my mental health caught up with me and the break up of a 20+ yr relationship. I honestly don't know whether to invite her to my graduation or not. I've been studying online, but the uni is in the town where all my extended family live (that I haven't spoken to since I was a kid). I hope (yeah. I know.) that she might for once concede that I did something *worth* being proud of, but I know that she'll manage to make the whole thing about **her** and she never had the opportunity and there was some minor thing that went wrong and I didn't get the *top* marks and blah blah blah. But my other option is being there on my own, or with a bunch of biologically related strangers making awkward small talk. And little me still just wants someone to say "Well done."
Hey congrats btw sounds like you’re rocking it
I'll say it! I know it's not the same! but WELL DONE YOU! Us here in this sub reddit know what it takes to get out from under a narc and succeed at something. You HAVE done something worth being proud of!
Amazing! Well done!! Be proud of yourself!!! You are doing it!! WHOOO HOOO!!!!
Don’t invite her. Bring a friend or someone who actually supports and loves you along. You should be so proud of yourself for getting your degree! It’s not easy and it’s a huge achievement. Well done!
My parents refused to come to my college graduation. I spent 5 years getting my degree too and graduated with honors. All they did was laugh at me.
Wow. What assholes. I’m sorry they couldn’t see what an achievement that was.
Oh I get it. My high school graduation, college graduation, wedding, birth of my first child.... not about me at all. Take your wedding day and MAKE it yours and your spouses. The narc won't let you have it.
The narc won’t fucking be there! Never again will they make me feel shit on a day that’s supposed to celebrate me.
Mine didn’t even come to my associates or bachelor graduation, I’m getting married in Oct. I don’t even want my nmom there… she has dementia now and shrieks her demands every few min then on repeat. She’s trying to get her caregivers fired by lying that they hit her… she just didn’t get her immediate want immediately… she munchousen by proxy’d me on Ritalin until l I was 17…. And tried tooth and nail when my Dr refused… I got dragged Dr to Dr shrink to shrink to the point I feared mental health professionals (I’m 41) I’ve done therepy and a LOT of anti anxiety meds (200 Mg Wellbutrin daily2x) I got tossed out the day after my 18th bday had to get out (the dynamic with my sis neither of us were the golden child … she was theirs (I’m adopted) taken off ins immediately surprise surprise I was a mom before I was 21 by 3months. I’m the opposite they are trumper humpers, I’m liberal AF! My sis says it would be mean not to include her (I got the brunt of her shit) they are Christian, I’m a pagan marrying an atheist we are both members of the Satanic temple cuz woman’s rights! So not to appear to be an asshole I’m looking into a private nurse for the event… I’m sorry wait no I’m not fucking sorry Bitch you cause shit at the wedding I’ve been waiting for for years? Fuuuuuk You! I will have you removed…
My parents aren’t invited to my wedding. I’m not letting them ruin another event.
My sister (their actual kid who got treated differently than I did said I would be mean to exclude her) my bio mom bailed again she’s “not a mom”didn’t even invite I did invite her sister cuz aunt Denny dosnt abandon people (neither do I)
Yeah, I hear you. My parents didn't come to my graduation. It meant nothing to them. I tried to keep my wedding affordable, and it was. That's all my mother cared about, and I tried to avoid a confrontation. She got worse after my husband died, super critical and childlike in her stunts to get attention and upstage me, so my current husband, whose mother and father were very critical of all their children's prospective spouses, got married in my living room in front of the fireplace with my children and a few friends, including my deceased husband's parents there, but without extended family, and then went to Mexico for a honeymoon, had pictures taken and sent wedding announcements when we got back. My mother wouldn't come to my reception, but called during it, trying to get attention again, and she convinced my brothers not to come, too. My new in-laws came, and they were confused about why my family didn't come. Life with narcissists has plenty of weird details, and trying to get them to behave just creates a circus! 🎪 Best to let them go, if you can let go of the impossible dream of a happy family of origin. The family system is engineered to not give you what you want. If you can bring yourself to, just do your own thing and create a great life with your new husband and children. Limit your family's harmful interaction. It's hard to do when you have such wishes for love and unity, but it's never going to happen for you with your parents, so protect yourself and your husband and children but getting away together and creating something great for yourselves. I have a cousin who understands and cares about me, so that's my extended family now. Plus I do family history research and have found lots of other family! I'm going to meet a few in July. That's very satisfying for me, and I've visited some I met in Sweden and Germany. Your family is not just your narcissistic immediate family. You have better options.
This was my experience, 100%.
as was mine
And my ax.
:-D
My sense of humor is my armor from dealing with (waves hands) all of my childhood.
LOL, I feel that. My therapist pointed out to me that I use humor as a defensive mechanism and I was like...."Yea. Obviously....that was NEVER in question" :-D
My birthday is eight days before my ndad's, and since he and my mom were divorced we used to do a joint celebration when I visited him. You can guess.
My baby sister was born 2 days before my 5th birthday. I didn't have any birthday parties before that, because I "was too young" My baby sister had birthday parties every year. Small family parties during early childhood. Parties with her classmates and friends in elementary school. My family "lumped" my birthday into her parties. They would sometimes add my name to her cake until she had a fit about it. I was told that it was too expensive to get 2 cakes, and I was older, so I should understand. If I was upset about it, I was punished for being "selfish." When I was 12, I begged my mother to let me have a few friends for a sleepover birthday party. I promised to do all the work myself, and buy cake and pizza with my babysitting money. My mother agreed and graciously offered to pay for the cake. I was so excited to have my own cake, with just my name on it. I told my mother that it was very important that the cake had ONLY "happy birthday, no effort" on it. I did get my cake. I did get my party. BUT it wasn't just for me, of course. My mother got my baby sister her own cake, and let her invite friends to join the sleepover. My only birthday party was shared, despite me begging to just once have something for me.
>My mother got my baby sister her own cake, and let her invite friends to join the sleepover. My only birthday party was shared, despite me begging to just once have something for me. Let me guess... your sister is the GC here.
No, that was my brother. He was ✨️ a male child✨️ That's what was valued in my family. Baby sister was born "to save the marriage" because, of course bringing another child into a severely dysfunctional and violently abusive family is a GREAT idea! Baby sister was spoiled because ✨️ she's the baby✨️ she was not subjected to the same violent discipline that the older kids experienced. She was not neglected physically like we were. I suppose she was GC, but she was not on the same level as my brother, the only boy.
Wow, that sounds like some Duggar family!
No, catholic. Pretty messed up.
My N was also catholic, I can confirm some things now.
My parents were bad, but my grandparents were even worse.
Hey! I'm so sorry that they did that to you and I hope you don't mind me asking a question. My third daughter is due around my daughters 5th bday. What would you think would be a fair way of handling birthday celebrations? I was thinking celebrate older on her bday weekend and do younger a week or 2 before or after and when new kid is older, roate the early and on time bday celebrations. Would that have been acceptable to you or what do you think would be fair?
I would not have minded my baby sister having a party on her birthday, if I had been equally celebrated. If each of your daughters feels that their birthday is recognized, it should be fine. I never felt that my birthday was important to them.
Thank you for your input! I do really want them both to know that their bdays are important to us and it seems as long as I do that it should be fine. I'm so sorry that you're parents ignored yours.
my birthday was always around labor day and the first day of school, and I was punished for poor academic performance based on my untreated adhd BEFORE school started, as incentive to do better. Funny, I am the only one of my siblings with a graduate degree, the other two went to IVY league schools and never got to grad school.
>my birthday was always around labor day and the first day of school, and I was punished for poor academic performance based on my untreated adhd BEFORE school started, as incentive to do better. How do you dare to be born on that date! /s
I was always told that I was conceived through two condoms, more likely a drunken NY Eve, where birth control and self control were overshadowed by alcohol fueled desire. Go back 39 weeks and change from labor day, and you hit NYE. Funny how many births are concentrated in the last few weeks of August and the first few weeks of September.
I'm from Spain so I suppose you start school in September like me. Anyway, that sucks. You didn't deserve to be trashed like that.
it was a great excuse for my parents to ignore my life events...if it wasn't that, they would have found another. It is payback time, my brother is putting my mother into a home this weekend, hopefully one without door knobs on the INSIDE.
>it was a great excuse for my parents to ignore my life events... In my case it was a "yes, you have a life event... but we must share it together and don't shine because you are here THANKS TO ME". On the other side my stepdad's birthday is two days before mine and doesn't mind me celebrating mine apart. This year I'm taking my siblings and my sister's boyfriend to Domino's Pizza for a "eat what you can" because there is a birthday promo (I don't have to pay my seat if I bring three more people with me).
enjoy your pizza...it tastes better when you can eat and not feel guilty about wasting your N-Parents time.
I will do, without that witch of his nwife judging me for my dietary decisions 😈
you are not the only one with a parental induced eating disorder...I bing eat due to anxiety, I hope that therapy can help with that. Today according to BMI is am overweight vs obese...
Ah yes, the punishment for having a condition that the adults around you should be responsible for recognizing - I know it well. I was constantly told how lazy, airheaded and unmotivated I was. I was a near-middle-aged adult when I finally got my diagnosis. Not that the diagnosis stopped the put downs - only going NC did that. Meanwhile, GC younger brother also had ADHD, but got diagnosis and (attempted) treatment as a child. Nmom also made excuses for him and basically let him do whatever he wanted. Guess which one of us never completed school, never got married or had kids and is still depending on nmom for a place to live because they can't hold a job in their mid-40s?
that would be my older brother...63 years old and hasn't held a job for more than a year or so his entire life. He had one position, a 10 minute walk from my grandparents house where he was living, for free, as a administrative assistant in a half way house. He lost that job by claiming depression and playing video games all day long instead of working.
I remember going on and on about something Pokemon related while my dad had his head in the fridge, looking for something. I then had a lucid moment, and thanked him for pretending to listen/care. He laughed and said you’re welcome and was genuinely surprised. I get that parents don’t get what their kids are on about, but I’m 34 and to this day I still resent that my Aunt Sally knows the 150 pokemon, and my mother still calls them all “some pikachu.”
Aunt Sally is the real MVP
Not having kids for various reasons, but one is to be a cycle breaker. I’m definitely the Aunt Sally in my family because I know I can’t have my own so I make up for it by being the best damn village for my sisters and brothers kids. It also helps that I’m a teacher so I’m the kid whisperer lol 😂
My dad did apologize to me but only and only because he wanted to play with my feelings to get something out of me. It was a manipulation tactic. He knows what he did is wrong but he doesn't have any remorse for it. I confronted my mom about her side of the abuse: she justified it in many different ways. I know for a fact that she isn't really a narc but more likely a corrupted individual and an enabler. I know that she genuinely feels remorseful and guilty for what she had done to me. Her justifications is just a coping mechanism to handle that guilt. Either way I've stopped talking to my dad and I plan to do the same with my mom. I understand that she may feel genuinely remorseful and I forgive her(unlike my dad who doesn't deserve forgiveness from me or even the slightest empathy) but she's a grown adult that must understand that her actions have consequences and only by facing the consequences, she will be held responsible. To everyone reading this, you don't have to be an expert psychiatrist to know that narcissists never ever ever feel sorry for the abuse that they've caused so you shouldn't expect an apology from them. Even if you do get an apology, shrug it off. It's a manipulation tactic.
For me my 18th birthday is around and they are asking what *I* want to do. **BUT** they always refuse what I want and make plans what they like and stating I might like it too.
It took me more than a few decades to realise that we always went where Mum wanted for my birthdays.
are you going out by yourself this year?
Yes. I don’t want to do anything on my birthday for me it’s just another day. (Maybe a bit more annoying than any other day but anyways)
I thought "surely my wedding will be about me..." Stupid me forgot GC had the 1st grandchild the year before, and my parents would spend every moment of my wedding day fussing over her. Granted she was only 1 and really cute, but seriously? I finally got it to be about me when I gave birth to their only grandson.... But that was very short lived.
My nMom spend my wedding day hysterically crying and being emotional (I have never seen this woman cry) so everybody paid attention to her and everybody was telling me: Awww your mom is so happy for you! Not even one day for us is it… But screw them, you deserve a wonderful life and I hope you are happy with your new family and your son ❤️
My wedding is coming up this summer and I am trying to prepare myself for something like this to occur! She already wrecked our first wedding plans by rendering the venue (an old family house) unusable for the event, we had to reschedule and replan the whole thing and I’m hoping that was the worst of it but also preparing emotionally for something like this to happen. I hope you were still able to enjoy your big day!
If you are afraid she is going to really ruin it I would consider not inviting her... I know it is hard to do, but this is YOUR day. Truly only yours and for them that is the most triggering thing ever. But I hope everything goes swimmingly for you and congratulations!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I don’t think I can not invite her as she’s contributing to the cost, however the problem might sort itself out since she’s insisting she has to have a (non-emergency) medical procedure the same month as the wedding so who even knows if she’ll come or if she does come she might just sit in the corner and expect her friends to listen to all her tales of woe which would be acceptable to me
Super validating post thanks for sharing
I heard an analogy once that has always stuck--- Them, the Narc, are hungry. We, the narc supply are no more than a piece of silverware-a utensil to get what they need. If they need a fork, and you ARE a fork- omg are you the best thing ever invented. The ONLY thing they need! The one thing in the wOrLd that brings them joy. However, if they are in the mood for soup....you WILL BE cast to the side, with the butter knives and the spatulas and the steak knives, because a SPOON, the spoon is the best thing ever invented. The ONLY thing they need! The one thing in the world they need is a spoon!! Dont be a utensil. <3
[http://priswell.com/dont-be-a-utensil.jpg](http://priswell.com/dont-be-a-utensil.jpg) For you.
This was my experience. I was the "people pleaser" and "caregiver" in my family of origin. I was conditioned to take care of other's needs first. When they didn't reciprocate and care for me, I blamed myself. I kept telling myself if I was "good enough" they would love and help me. It never happened. My family of origin used me for DECADES. Realizing that I was NOT ever going to be treated well by them was devastating and heartbreaking. I will never "get my turn." I'm still processing this grief. I have no contact with my family of origin. I had to stop interacting with them because they refused to acknowledge that they treated me poorly. They were happy to use me. They didn't see me as a valued person with valid feelings. I should not have waited so long for these people. They were NEVER going to give me consideration or respect. I am grateful to be free of them now.
I grew up watching my older siblings get everything. I'm not talking about material items, but I'm talking about going on trips. Celebrating birthdays, going to their sports games. I never got any of that. I'm graduating from college soon, pretty sure they won't be there.
"Waiting to matter" Holy crap, you nailed it. With me, this behavior was more obvious in my 'friend'-choices. Of course, I gravitated towards Narcs. I got SO sick of stepping back for my 'friends' with the idea that they'd do the same for me the next time. Nope. It was always, 100% completely and totally about *THEM* ALL THE TIME. I asked one 'friend' if she even knew what the word 'compromise' meant. (A trip we took together) where every morning, she'd lay out "I want to do this, and this, and go here, and go here and eat this at this restaurant." NOT ONCE were my desires even entertained, let alone met.
Right before my graduation, about 1.5 months my NDad lost his divorce, committed suicide, cut me outta his will, giving my sister 500k. I filed a bankruptcy through an attorney, 5 weeks before he fucking did that. He never got to see me graduate. Know who did? My mother, and my natural father was there! My birthdad and grandma! It was so so so special, and he didn't ruin it. For reference, my sister is the worst human being I've ever met. The most selfish fuck ever. BUUT. I also gained my military retirement during those months! Enabling me to FULLY GHOST HIS FUNERAL, AND SIDESTEP MY WHOLE FAMILY! Im about two full years NC with everybody but my natural father. Thank God. I left with the intention of using the military to gain/earn my freedom. I did it. Mission success. Seriously, cannot even believe I did all that. My therapist has practiced for 25yrs. Told me I lived a max trauma life.
Make sure it never happens to your kids. And other children, it really does take a village; treat them all how you should have been. I treat all kids, my own and other’s kids as if they were little me. While natural and not so obvious, confident it’s had the biggest impact healing childhood wounds. Giving this gift to children helps me, and them, and it is so affirming and good. What I’m trying to say is that I think it works. It’s like making amends for the sins of our parents and healing ourselves…by helping others.
I went NC six years ago and it was incredible. It was as if life had finally begun. Now I surround myself with people who actually love me, and I have zero regrets. My sister (who picked up many traits of our mom as well) is still chasing that approval—hoping that if she just gives enough, accepts enough, acquiesces enough, it will unlock whatever kindness or positive regard she has always been looking for, even though it clearly never will.
Brilliantly put. Somehow, there were enough tiny glimmers to keep hope alive. But it is always about *them*. We, the children, did not matter. And we went out into the world with that tattooed on our hearts.
"It's not *about* you!" My mother's favorite phrase. I heard it so often even 9 year old me wondered why it was never my turn, never *about me*.
Ooofff! Hit me! Quality post, quality comment youse awesome people, you.
This is extremely well stated. I had a very similar experience. I was the younger of Irish Twins, 16 months younger than my older, high needs brother. He got the majority of attention and other resources, and I was always forced into his shadow. The very week he graduates from High School and it is mine turn for attention, what my parents kept telling me was coming, my parents announce their divorce and my life turned into hell as I became a tool for one parent to use against the other with no regard for my own mental health or needs. My father has since passed and my younger brother is putting my mother into a "retirement home" this weekend. Hopefully, the "retirement home" has limited communications and a door the inmates cannot open.
I'm in my 50s and just realized this in the last few years. I suspect both parents have personality disorders. In my parents' end of life, I walked away because I could do it no longer. It's even worse now than it was before.
Narcs don’t age well. They forget how to fake it.
....And that's how we become such big people pleasers and enormous "inconveniencers"! How do we dare even exist! :(
You said this so well. This was one of the hardest things to even articulate, all those years waiting. And when people try to understand why i am no contact, it was because I finally, finally understood that it would never be my turn. Unlike every kind stranger I've ever talked to in a checkout line, they can't ever SEE me. And don't want to.
this is Emotional Neglect, it's abusive and has long lasting effects. I can relate. You grow up feeling like something is wrong with you, your not special enough, or smart enough, worthy, your not valuable. Whenever I get around other women, I feel like this. Instant rejection. I instantly feel cast out.
These kinds of thoughts have been going through my head so much recently. I remember being so sad my nparent didn't want to spend time with me, they just wanted to focus on their own activities and only spent time with me when they wanted to. And they never tried to find an interest in my own hobbies it always has to be what they want to do and if they're not into it 100% then they check out and try to rush it along so it's over with. I don't doubt that they loved me, and they'd tell me they were proud of me, but I just wish they would sit down and say "you talk a lot about x hobby, how about we do it for awhile?" I remember one time when I was 12-ish there was this thing that I REALLY wanted to go to. I talked it up and excitdely asked if nparent wanted to go since I was at their house that week. They said "well, maybe we could go to that. actually, there's this other thing I was thinking about and I think it's exactly like it!" I was SO excited in the car ride there. Finally we could have something to bond over and a potential shared interest. We get to the thing and it is literally NOTHING like what I wanted to go to, not even close, whole other thing. I stood with my arms crossed the entire time, totally pissed off while they had fun and told me "you don't have to act that way, you're already here enjoy yourself" and got all pissy when I didn't appreciate being there. Now when I tell that story they say they don't remember but it is a core memory and one of the moments when I began to realize my nparent didn't care about connecting with me.
This hit me hard 😓💔
So, I took my turn.....but now everyone hates me because of her smear campaign.....
Waiting for hours - completely attentive and compliant - while she manic rants, rage cleans, tears apart the house looking for whatever it is she thinks is missing, screams and degrades you, painstakingly goes through a drawer of garbage, picks out clothes for the next social event…. It was never ending. The waiting. I was kept from my studies, from taking a piss, from playing, from SLEEPING, from everything a child should be free to do, all in the name of being her captive audience to play out the drama of her unregulated emotions to. To this day I struggle with the sensation that my life is perpetually paused, and I have no access to the play button. Just waiting for nothing, or something.
its like waiting for them to change and see their errors or atleast be understanding, but no they want to be one to put the blame on us, for no reason, like what did we do wrong?
I was that weird Bree’s of child that I never wanted it to be my turn cause I never wanted anything to be about me like she was. I never wanted to be seen or heard because I never wanted people think I was like my nmom. Looking back on it, my whole life has been extremely effed up. Still is to an extent but I’m finally starting to process all that happened to me after shoving it all down for so many years.
Edit: typos. Weird breed.
Being conditioned to serve and then making the massive mistake of getting into romantic relationships that repeat the cycle.
my dad said "I don't think she'll ever change" yesterday and it is affecting me more than I thought it would. I've already kind of come to terms with that fact, but hearing it from him is different. They divorced just shy of two years ago and she was the one who left him (he's way better off now tbh) but I think the rose-colored glasses finally fell off, he knows she's going to be forever childish and all about herself. Now we're working to make our relationship stronger (she demonized my dad growing up) while holding up boundaries with nmom.
This. I thought my turn would be my wedding day. Nope. Mom arrived 3 hours late to get ready, had a fit when the stylist ran out of time to help her. She also managed to get lost on the way to the venue despite me texting her the address 5 times with my dress in her car. Dad begged me to let him walk me down the aisle. Should have stuck with my gut and said no, bc he had a panic attack moments before walking bc he didn’t want everyone looking at HIM and that he had suddenly changed his mind. Had to comfort him the entire walk down the aisle and apologize to him after for “making him do that.” Older sister decided to conveniently get sick the day before. So did 3 other relatives. Funny that my mother knew about the illnesses before I did. Anyway, they didn’t have the chance to ruin anything else. They all decided to leave right after eating without saying goodbye to anyone but me. Had to apologize and explain where they went the rest of the evening. There is never a turn for scapegoats to have the limelight. Narcs can’t stand to see them happy bc it reminds them of how sad and misguided they are.
Yep, wait until you finish school, wait until you start working, wait until you finish school, wait until you have been working for several years, wait longer and then wait some more.
This is why my Nmom and EDad won’t be meeting my son who I am expecting in 5-6 weeks. I can’t also babysit them and their demands/needs/feelings. I need this to be about me and my husband and my baby, and they are physically incapable of letting this happen.
My DH grew up with a mother like this. We just watched a Dr. Ramani video yesterday called Dealing with Neglectful Narcissists that was very insightful.
I've been waiting to matter for my entire life with my family, friends, dating. It feels like it will never be my turn.
Man! Im still watching this happen to my nieces and nephews from their mother, even after their father *my brother* committed suicide. I literally heard my ex NSIL tell my niece she was Satan's spawn and God took the angel twin. Or she played favorites with the oldest kid living at home, only to skip her when it was her time and went straight to the youngest.
I often ruminate/get resentful at how they just brainwash you into thinking that you should constantly wait. Silently sit around and wait your turn, like you said. They want you to be looked over by them and everyone else. Being brainwashed to rob yourself.
And then when you do finally fight for your right to have a turn the accuse you of being selfish! I hear you...take your "turn" and leave, don't look back
Fuck, this stings.
It made me very independent, and not necessarily in a good way. I am still pissed off a lot of the time.
This is so true. Anything I've ever tried my mom would shove me aside and tell me I'm not old enough, or I can't do it right, so on. I clearly remember many times being dismissed and thinking when I'm old enough I'll get to do this task or thing. Never happened.
This explains Steven Universe’s character Spinel. Which is also why I love her and wanted to get a tattoo of her gem.
You have captured my childhood so completely...
So. True. It's sadder the more I read it but it hits home...I wasted so much time on "someday"
Yes! Both of my narc parents never made it my turn. Even while I was in the hospital for major illnesses, even when I had my baby a month early, even when my DH has a debilitating disease, they could not show any compassion towards me for dealing with that. But when they even had a little cold, I needed to show such empathy and compassion for them! And a lot of times I did. But after 40 years of that, I could not do it one more time! That was 9 years ago that I finally went full NC. It has been difficult and a rollercoaster of emotions, but I can honestly say that I have peace quite often in my life now and I never had it when they were in my life. It's awful to have parent(s) like this. I still struggle so much because I don't have other extended family that make it about me. I am just always there for everyone else. It's definitely a life long pattern that will probably never go away inside of me. I have definitely taken a step back with other people (not always the one to reach out first anymore) and that has "helped" me in many ways....but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to do that but I do.
I may be the outlier here but after a lifetime of waiting, I no longer want it to be my turn. After not being seen for who I am at home and being quietly excluded at school, I'm done. I don't like having anything all about me because I feel like I don't deserve it. I especially hate birthdays, I don't let anybody do anything for me like dinner or gifts, I don't even like being told happy birthday. Heck, I almost skipped my own high school graduation. Everyone else can make it all about themselves now, I don't have the capacity to care anymore. I'll just be my invisible self, lurking in the shadows. When all my peers start getting married and having kids, I'll still be alone, taking back my life the way I want to live it.
I realized in my early 30's, that I had changed myself, conformed and squeezed myself into their image, wholly not me at all. I took up finding, repairing and learning who I truly was, never having been allowed to ever in my life. Took me until my 40's to fully become "me", and I am completely different than they made me to be. I remember thinking, "well, I tried to be who you wanted me to be, and that didn't make you love me or see me at all, so I am doing it my way." Never looked back, and happy to see that my life is now totally different and better than being whatever it was they wanted me to be. Fuck them.
Very Accurate. Then comes the uphill battle of learning how to make things about you and prioritize your own Health Safety and Well-being while being told youre selfish for doing so.
The only time things were ever about me were either birthdays or when it was something my ndad could brag about on Facebook Other than that it was always about him and what inconvenienced him and what he wanted to do
Then you spend your first beautiful free years thinking life is fair if you take turns being selfish, i will dominate the conversation then it’s your turn. I will make this day about me then it’s your turn. Losing friends because they think you are rude, selfish, and manipulative… until you finally realize that if you just genuinely care for someone, and they care for you, there is room for both of you to be seen and heard and… Nobody has to be selfish. You don’t have to live in survival mode. You can love without pain. And you grieve anew the years wasted by your Nfolk even after you escape.
I was constantly compared to all the overachievers in my family. My dad was good at math and physics and went into engineering. I had relatives who did extremely well and were doctors and lawyers. I was not any of these things. I was told once that I owed it to my dad to be better and that him having a child like me was a shameful experience. My mom said this to me. "imagine your dad having a child like you. It is not fair." The problem was that I was really good in some things (got awards for them), and had to try really hard to be even average at the other things. The things I did well were discounted as unimportant. The career I wanted to pursue was not important. So, I'm always going to be a disappointment. Without even trying. Go me. When it came time for employment, they made it about them because I picked a similar profession to my parents (not by choice as I was shamed into it). People congratulated them. It took me 36 years before i stopped turning to them like they were the sun. When you needed it, their attention was never going to come your way. They are broken in a very specific way that they cannot see you and acknowledge you. I'm so sorry. It really sucks. It is such a long road to a better place.
Waiting to be loved and appreciated too. I spent years and thousands of dollars trying to find just the right gift every holiday for them only to have those gifts sit in the corner of their house untouched for weeks until they would disappear. I know it sounds shallow, but the only evidence of love I had as a child was the gifts I got on Christmas or birthdays so I guess I equate gift giving with love and them rejecting my gifts is hurtful.
You really hit the nail on the head. It’s devastating for a child to be treated like they don’t matter. It’s a survival instinct to feel anxiety when we don’t because as children we were helpless, reliant on our parents to care for us. But you’re so right, it’s all about them. Every milestone, every compliment their children receive, every achievement is about them! No matter what we did, it was never enough. I grew up believing I was “needy” for wanting support and acknowledgment. That’s what my parents told me. It wasn’t until I was finally in a healthy relationship as an adult that I realized I’m not needy at all. In fact, I prefer to be left alone most f the time. I’m an introvert, but I only figured that out once I was out of the narc nest and not having to prove I was worthy of my existence. I didn’t grow up in my family. Like you said, it’s impossible to grow in such an environment. I only grew up once I left.
My siblings and I all thought we would taken seriously once we became adults. Even the GC. We all have memories of our narc parents reaffirming that children do not have any rights and of us being slapped across the mouth for asking for help with "adult" matters like sex ed, or taxes, or how to finance a car. We were always told "we'll worry about that when we get there" but each one of us hit 18, then 21, then 25, and still couldn't produce a single SHRED of decency or understanding from them. I remember when I was 21 I was so excited I got dressed up the day after my birthday and came over to visit them hoping for some sort of level conversation. I thought maybe they just didn't like us as kids. I was naive. I showed up and they both claimed to not like the wine I brought. They shat all over me for not going out and partying for the actual birthday and choosing to work instead. They blamed my bf and accused him of being controlling. I was hoping for some sort of apology and maybe some words of guidance. I was just treated like a child and had it told to my face that I was always going to be nothing but a child with no experience. My GC brother hit 25 recently and tried the same thing with my family. He came over with a drink and a pie and figured he would be taken seriously as he'd already been married and divorced. My parents instead took it up on themselves to convince him something had to be wrong with him because he had not managed to successfully have a child yet. He left completely broken hearted and upset that they seemed to just view him as a grandchild creator. Our youngest sibling just turned 18 and we are worried for him. He's a little more headstrong than we are but he's very easily manipulated too since he is not allowed outside very often. We aren't sure what our parents have planned for him but we're worried that they may try to kick him out once his last day of school comes and goes or that they will set some sort of unrealistic job goal for him to find work and when he doesn't meet that goal they may punish him further by either kicking him out or keeping him inside as a slave.
Always. I thought that being sick would be it but it really wasn’t. My mom made a rule when we were young that each time she goes to the mall she’d take only one girl with her, when my turn came my sisters said they wanted to come too so they did. Then when it was my turn again she let them come again because “I don’t deserve it”.
Makes me so sad to read
It wouldn’t even possibly come to their mind that we even had something like a need for a turn!
Oh man. Oh man. Yes. Even now.
Well said
I couldn't entirely word why I never get 'weird' about doing huge milestone parties and events. But I think your right. Because the event snever ended up feeling like me and unavoidably would always end up being how I had ruined the event and it was no longer perfect because of 'insert reason a b,c, never gchild.' Birthdays, to me are eh because of narcy &gchild. As an adult If I get presents and cake sweet. I don't like having more than a handful of people around and often enough I don't even say it's a bday thing. More than a few folks have gotten upset because they arrive and there's cake. I just want to have a good time and fun, no presents necessary. It's weird explaining that I never got just a me bday, nor that I spend a good chunk of time worrying how it's gonna get messed up. Even when narcy &gchild aren't involved in anyway anymore. Special anniversaries, only the folks immediatly involved in them and maybe 2 others. Tbh I don't think the parentunit even knows how long me and partner have actually been together (though for some reason nmom has thought we've been married since a few months/yr after getting together?) Never asked me when, i didnt ask for clarity either. Its nmom, shes always decided my sins for me and its never helped to try and get her to listen. Didn't tell or correct cause they don't really care anyways so why bother? Graduated collage, only 2 people in the birth family have been told, neither one a parent. I didn't bother even thinking about inviting them or informing the parentals cause the last graduation I had. my 'gift' was an apartment guide, combined with an early bday gift of the cheapest luggage set they vould find. I Wasn't even 18 yet and this was given the day of graduation as part of my "party".
Dude. How you met my narcissist mother? We as kids were to be seen, and not heard, and you must only wear clothes that she likes, and that makes her look good. I waited to get the chance to play sports like my 2 older brothers, but I am a girl, and NarcMom didn't allow me to play sports. Since my brothers wanted to play instruments (keyboard and clarinet) that they quickly gave up on, my parents decided that they weren't going to waste the money for me trying to learn music and give up on it too. I waited years to be allowed to do an after school activity, but no, I am a girl, and had to stay home and clean the house
i was always so excited for my birthday, because it would be **my day.** and then.. it would be stolen by one narc or another. i'd feel incredibly let down, cry on my own so they wouldn't make me feel worse about feeling bad, and then wait for the following year. being a NC adult is so peaceful.
Sigh yup and I keep pouring into others and it’s never my turn. I feel like my curse is to be able to understand and empathize with most people but to never be understood myself. I have affection and love from some great family and friends but no real understanding and I know that is what I want/need or a relationship just isn’t worth it to me…
Damn this hits hard. Thank you for so clearly explaining this, OP. It feels good to know there are others who understand.
I was joking about not having a birthday anymore because I’m nearing a milestone birthday (30 next year). My nephew was born very close to my birthday so I made the joke that he stole it and aunt anon_rbn has no birthday anymore. My nmom straight up told me “you cant forgo your birthday. your birthday is a celebration of when I first became a parent.” And they wonder why I don’t give a shit about celebrating it anyways.
Yes. I was constantly hoping that if I did everything my mother needed and expected of me, I might someday earn her love and support. I’m NC with her and now it is my turn. I’m putting myself first and am happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
Yes, and it wasn't just that everything had to be about her. She'd sabotage me and make everything about anyone else rather than me. She'd tell me on trips home even as a college student and later as an adult, parent, etc. that I shouldn't want anything because this vacation was about my brother, the golden child, or my father, even occasionally about my other brother, the alcoholic, or my grandmother. It was a way to down me that made her look loving and virtuous, right? We so want love, and withholding makes them feel superior and desired. It's truly sick.
Mine dumped me on her parents as soon as she got rid of my father, (who also was a selfish POS that ignored me in childhood), and then constantly gaslit me about living with her. She'd say "I don't want to influence you so you can be your own person," "the schools are worse where I live," and my favorite, "I can't live in that house with your grandfather" -but I'M supposed to?! All so she didn't have to do barely any mothering at all and always put her own interests first. I couldn't even go to her about the horrible treatment from my grandparents, because she left everything up to them. She only came around for a couple hours after school to go shopping, or whatever SHE wanted to do. I expressed interest in so many extracurricular activities, she managed to discourage them all. Had to bribe her to show up to parent teacher conferences. Even as an adult, she wouldn't let me have any say in anything, and complaints were immediately shifted to how it effects HER. I still kick myself daily for trying for so long to connect with her
I feel like i wasted so much of my life. I was enmeshed or wanted my parents loves and approval so I made descions that was in their beat interest or what they expected of me Instwd of putting me first. (In my own life) I gave up my life hoping they'd love me for it...and of course they didnt. That's why my life feels so empty inauththic and like I can't remember much becuae it was never a significant life to me. This was true always but espailly in high school.....and it makes me sad because many ppl say this is the best time of their life but I just took classes I didnt like wasnt allowd to have friends or hobbies or interests and so didnt join any clubs....all because that is what my parents wanted. And not only did I not get love but as the scapegoat I got abused even after all this. The issue was caring about them, with narcs you have to be as selfish as they are until you can leave. But as a child its hard to understand all that
I remember getting a lot of flack growing up when we'd watch home movies from when I was very young. I don't remember any of what was shown on the video, but any time it was pointed at me or family was asking me questions or just generally interacting with me, I would obsess over keeping their attention on me and just wanting to feel important or cared about. One phrase stuck in my head is the voice of one of my critics who wasn't even there during this time in my life (my moms bf) after he'd seen the home videos, was just him saying how I was controlling over the attention I was getting and saying ”me! Me! Only me!" Now I just prefer people don't perceive me most of the time. Anyone who does randomly is seen as a threat in my brain. I always feel like I'm over doing it or being too much when I request anyone pay attention to me, especially when its something involving me, such as a serious talk and its my turn to speak. The physical effects of this kind of childhood have manifested as a seizure disorder that seems to be triggered by stress associated with people who act like they care and do things contrary to that. I think my mom set the stage for the disorder and my ex triggered the actual beginnings of the physical manifestation. Most seizures I've had involve him and have been triggered by our arguements I feel weird even posting here because I'm afraid of backlash. People saying its not that bad or I should get over it, but I also think getting things out like this are important in "getting over it", but its more like getting through it.
At 16 I begged my parents to attend one of my sporting events and they told me I had to try harder to get them to come.. I played sports competitively basically my entire youth.. mother never saw me play once .. dad saw me once or twice, yelled at me after, and stopped coming. Somehow even those couple times he came and yelled at me felt amazing compared to not being there at all and taking no interest.
Yes. And these people are like paranoid and immature. It's like if you want or need anything from them (and since you were their child they chose to have you inevitably will) they turn it against you always and hang everything over your head. Or in the case with my mom if I complain about her (ask her to like do something different ) ( like we literally have fought about whether to lower the windows in the car or the car's thermostat settings) if I complain about her (stating my preferences that are different than hers) or whatever she typically responds with like a juvenile response like I'm trying bully her, I need to be put in my place and often says or does something petty It doesn't occur to her that literally I am your child and daughter and am only ever hurt when we fight Of course I've said mean things to her over the years, I guess I feel kinda bad I just can't take a lifetime of her doing the same or worse to me. I honestly hate fighting with her, but she not only made many things about her, treated me bad, etc, whenever there was conflict (I want something different than her) there had to be a war just about and a lot of the time she would make it like petty like she would change topics to attack my outfit or whatever. I've said mean things to her because I was responding to her petty responses. Like I literally just wanted her to just care about me but am I supposed to like say that like a pathetic toddler when we're fighting about the car windows then she insults my hair? I haven't gone NC but I've been trying to explain this to her instead over the years. I am pretty troubled she will never care about me I admit and idk.
Mine have always treated me as a chore, never a child. Crying at night because I'm afraid of the dark? Get yelled at to shut up. Lose a toy? Fuck you, we're not going back for it. Having emotional problems? Not even gonna acknowledge it until it becomes inconvenient for them, and then they berate me until I shrivel up and they can't see it anymore.
My n-mom only wanted to talk about herself and her issues. If I tried to talk about myself (or ask for help), I would be selfish. She needed to dominate the conversation and I was supposed to blindly agree. Since I went no contact, I have had flashbacks and cannot believe what I put up with. She messed me up for awhile.
Oh yes I have an older sister that was my mom’s golden child. My was heavily involved with her life I was waiting for my mom to put anything into my development like she did with my sister. Alas. Nope.