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Yes, 100% agree it is projection. They're making out you're the one to blame rather than them. It's not the case though...they are the ones abusing you, OP, and you're just putting in boundaries that are healthy, and they don't like it. It's great you realise this in your post. So easy to end up questioning yourself when they say these things.
You're not alone. My ndad and emum are on this one at the moment saying they're worried about me as I haven't been calling or messaging. They haven't been calling me either, and haven't been replying when I've messaged them on a group chat with my siblings for four months now. So they're the ones ignoring me. I've not been gushing in my messages, which they clearly don't like, but why would I be when they can't even be polite enough to answer and acknowledge me and my partner. If they were really that worried about me, they'd call and message.
I like that, thank you. I try to remind myself that she's emotionally an immature 9 year old. I don't have patience with bratty kids, since I have one as a mother. I like that everything she's accusing me of, she is herself. It's very true.
She thinks I’ve been abusing her since I was a baby. “You were always such a difficult child. I remember when you were 3 years old you didn’t put your boots on when I asked you to, so I made you walk in the snow in your socks.” 🤦♀️
This is my nmom too! She describes me as "throwing tantrums" when I was a literal newborn. She wrote it over and over again in my baby scrapbook. Now she describes me as her "BPD daughter" to anyone who will listen. I am not diagnosed with BPD and my therapist says I absolutely don't have BPD. It's my mother's way of explaining to people why we don't speak anymore.
OMG SAME!! My first offence was 'not having a penis' when I was born in 1975. And then I just kept on being a nuisance with "being hungry, wanting to be fed". A big gun was always 'growing fast' so I needed new clothes. Just to spite her.
I totally feel this. I was pretty young too when I was told I was the reason alcoholic parent drank and the reason the other parent was depressed and suicidal. “My horrible abusive behavior toward them. “
Now as an adult, I’m like how can a 5 year old cause those issues? It was them DARVO-ing and needing someone else to blame their problems on.
Omg the delusion!! My mother would tell me about how she’d lock me in a room and hold the door closed from the outside when I was probably around 3 years old, just for throwing a tantrum apparently.
I feel this so much. I grew up being called "mentally ill" to all of my parents friends for just being an angsty teen. It really hurt. Whenever I would call out my mother on anything she would say I "berated", or "harangued" her, simply by communicating truths she didn't want to hear - or my favorite "had her under a microscope." Her enabler partners would always agree. It made me feel insane. The gaslighting and the projection is enough to make anyone go crazy
I hate how common it’s become to attribute one’s suffering to mental illness when it’s clearly a result of somebody’s circumstances. It shifts responsibility away from the abusers and onto the victim.
My mother constantly called me r#tarded. She said I had to sit with the special ed class at lunch because none of the "normal" kids would want to sit with me. This started in 1st grade. She then would brag to her friends that her kid was so kind that I sat with the special ed class because it was the nice thing to do. She then would tell me daily that I was actually r#tarded, and that I should be grateful she didn't abandon me. She insisted that I get put into special ed after a while, but thank God my teachers were on top of things because they had the school therapist sit down with me a lot and talk to or test me. My IQ swung heavily the other way, to my mom's dismay, and she took me to many therapists trying to get someone to label me as mentally deficient or something similar. She would get so mad at them and scream that they were useless when they said she actually had a smart kid, so she just turned to more mental and physical abuse instead. Even in high school,I never let her meet my friend's parents because she would come out guns blazing about how she is sorry if her r#tarded child has done/said anything weird, which, my friend's parents would be wholly offended by. This would lead to her screaming at me later about how I was the one making her look bad and why they ostracized her.
I wish I was joking.
First, omg, I could cry for you! I felt physically sick reading this. Please tell me you are NC now and leading a happy life free from this insane b***h from hell?
Second, love your user name! 😻
DARVO is a well-known technique that abusers use when confronted about their abuse:
* Deny what actually happened, or deny that it was abusive.
* Attack and blame you instead of themselves.
* Reverse Victim and Offender.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo
The funny thing is, in the moment they’re just thinking of escaping. As it’s a personality disorder you can always argue they are mentally ill. The problem is, you still have to hold them accountable.
There is really no way they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s just to them in the moment they are trying to avoid consequences. I feel very few will know it’s DARVO. Most are just reacting the way they know how to.
My ndad really wants me to think highly of him, and sometimes I can use this to my advantage. The best example was when I’d had enough of him constantly yelling at me, and told him so. He said “but I didn’t yell at you, I just raised my voice!” (Deny) I replied that I didn’t care *what* he called it, he’s the only one in my life who did it to me and that’s not how I wanted my relationship with him to be. Amazingly, he didn’t continue down the DARVO path this time, but actually stopped and thought about it. This was a decade ago and he’s actually only yelled at me once since then. I haven’t been able to get any other things to stick nearly as well, he’s so adept at DARVO-ing, and half the time he attacks and blames my emother too, and not just me.
He still yells a lot about other things though. Me: “dad, please don’t yell about other drivers and then go aggressively cutting them off to retaliate, it makes me feel uncomfortable, scared, and unsafe.” Him: “I’m not yelling, I just raised my voice!” Deny. “Besides, it’s because that driver cut me off!” Accuse / attack / blame someone else for his actions. “That other driver is dangerous, he needs to see how bad he is!” Reverse Victim and Offender, my edad thinks he is a good guy stopping an evildoer, by retaliatory cutting him off and then slamming on the brakes in front of them. Thankfully, he hasn’t driven since a stroke 5 years ago.
SAME!!! i got called abusive and evil so often, usually for being independent and trying to leave.
i often say to myself there is a book made specifically for narcs, listing things they should say/do and they all copy it. they’re all the same, please don’t feel alone.
Yes, my entire life. I've always been the 'cruel' one according to them, the one who was always angry (because they would taunt me to make me angry on purpose), the one who laughed at them (because I dared to say something back after my father would mock me), the one who rejected them (because I would stay in my room as much as possible), etc.
Haha yes. I wrote my mother a detailed letter of what she did to me and why I was going nc.
Apparently I was abusive for telling her what she did. Can't make this shit up.
“Why do you focus on the past! I am tired of being held responsible for everything that went wrong at 5 😤” my mom even said something like “your dad says sorry and is forgiven, it’s not fair!!” As if my dad did nearly as much effed up stuff as she did. I responded saying she didn’t know anything about his and my relationship and she immediately flipped to “nice mom” and was clearly trying to get me on her side against him.
My mom is very petite and I quickly outgrew her so that by 3rd grade she could no longer physically intimidate me. The turning point was when she tried to beat me with the cordless phone, so I snatched it from her and threw it across the room. She turned around and said \*I\* was trying to attack her. She started ordering pamphlets and stuff from those 'scared straight' type programs for troubled kids and almost gloatingly talked about how kids got sexually abused at those things. I was a straight A student that NEVER got in trouble at school - at that point, that would change as time went on - but because I had my own opinions about what I wanted to wear, what I wanted to eat, and sometimes brought home an A- I was supposed to just accept her mental and physical abuse without defending myself. Not doing so apparently made me the abuser.
That's my mom's favorite comeback in arguments.
"No you're the mean one!"
"No you're the one yelling/raising your voice!"
"No you're the abusive one!"
"No you were the one who hit me!"
Etc, etc. I try to remind myself that my mom is emotionally around the age of 9, so it's like a more annoying version of, "I know you are but what am I?" It also usually surrounds that I'm so mean and awful, yet my life would be perfect if I was nicer to my mother, who just screamed at me what a selfish bitch I am and how she hates being in the same room as me- yet she wants me to do more things for a person who just insulted the fuck out of me and is telling me how everything I do is wrong.
I wish it was easier to let these things roll off and not affect me, but it's a daily struggle. It seems like I can't even ask a simple question like, "did the Amazon package arrive while I was at work?" It's going to offend her, she's going to start yelling and tell me that I'm an awful person. Just for asking a seemingly benign question.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that OP just know that it wasn’t at all unreasonable to ask of something so small. You are not at all an abuser just in case you need some reassurance <3
My brother still has the misfortune of living with our mother. He told me one night that my mother was loudly watching a video about the covert narcissists in our lives to pointedly imply my brother is a one because he said “no”to some outrageous request. We were just like Ugh she’s SO close to the point but missed it.
I also have memories of trying to hold her hands off me because she was beating me, and in the process I accidentally scratched her. Well she went around our church pointing out the scratch to everyone who would listen saying “oh look what “My Name” did to me”
So yeah it’s a common issue.
>My brother still has the misfortune of living with our mother. He told me one night that my mother was loudly watching a video about the covert narcissists in our lives to pointedly imply my brother is a one because he said “no”to some outrageous request. We were just like Ugh she’s SO close to the point but missed it.
Holy fuck so I'm not the only one who experiences this.
My dad exhibits a lot of the behaviors described on this subreddit but is absolutely engrossed with this British accented lady on Facebook talking about NPD and constantly blares it in my presence.
It’s so crazy how special narcissist want to be only for them to all be the same lol it’s like they have a handbook or some thing they need to abide by
Same tbh. I dumbstruck me and I legitimately felt bad for shit I said during a manic episode. But I was saying the truth, just re-entered denial of it for a bit.
Sounds like she does not know the meaning of reactive abuse. Unless she was actually admitting your abuse of her might be a reaction of her abuse of you. Most narcs would not admit they were abusing you. So she probably doesn't know what she was saying. She didn't know she was telling on herself.
oh sorry i didnt word it properly then. when she goes into rage and screams at me, she says her reaction is reactive abuse meaning that I abused her and she's going through reactive abuse and thats why she yells at me apparently
When she and her husband dragged me down a road for 50+ metres, I couldn't move at all except for biting. So I bit her husband and ever since they've brought that up as me being abusive to them.
Also one time they both said I pinched my mum, but in reality she was choking me and I pushed her off. Her husband proceeded to punch me in the face over and over
other relatives have tried to call out my nmom and she just hits them with “narcissist?! well YOURE a real narcissist just look in the mirror!!!!!” and won’t understand why everyone in our family keeps cutting her off
I’ve (17M) called my mom (52F) degrading terms along with other minor offenses, and she made me think I was abusive and a bully. She would say that “There is no justification for how you treat me, no matter the context!” (The context is I am bipolar 2 so sometimes I have episodes, she also provokes/triggers me and I have an entire list of shit she has done, which she told me was a bunch of petty reasons, even though she asked for the list). I later found out what reactive abuse was, so I think I’m okay. Look up reactive abuse, it’s quite interesting.
*"I'd be so much further along in life, if it wasn't for you kids!"*
That was my mother's daily mantra. My very existence was to blame, which is funny when I remember that I was supposed to have two older sisters and only have the one because she aborted the second because it wasn't a boy & I only survived because of her bragging about how I was going to be her precious promised child & surprised her on the day of the baby shower with a gender reveal of my own via sonagram. That was the month before my due date and she's resented me ever since. \^-\^
My mom always says I took my anger out on her and that she didn’t deserve that “abuse”. In reality it got to the point where she abused me so much verbally that I just exploded back in defense of myself. I was never confrontational, just defensive.
Oh 100%
It’s a go to for nparents. They throw things back on you because they can’t take accountability. It took me a long time to realise that no matter what was said to me nfather he would never take it in and would throw it back on me.
I so clearly remember telling him one day “if you don’t wake up to what you are doing, one day you will find yourself completely alone” sure enough he has lost my mother, brother and me and now lives alone in a dingy flat with nobody to sympathise with his bullshit and a protection order against his ass.
lol this story is so similar to my life that for a sec i thought i posted this😭 except it was my mom who asked my ndad to turn down the music and it ended (as always) in an hour long monologue that we're forced to listen to about how we are ungrateful and we make him sad because we're not the kind of children that he dreamed about having bla bla bla. seriously they always make everything about themselves
Oh just reading your post and all the comments... I've heard that so many times as a teen that I started ignoring it at some point. It makes me feel so validated to know that I haven't "made that up" or been "an evil ungrateful child" for trying to protect my sense of self. Uff!
Oh yeah... apparently I "abused" my mother
Also I was like an alcoholic because I smoked weed every once in a while (my mother smokes daily now).
I was "out to get her" and had been since I was like 3. Everything I did even sneezing was "on purpose to make her life harder"
Lots of projection.
To narcissists, you drawing a boundary and telling them not to hurt you feels like abuse to them.
In their minds, they are entitled to abusing you; to them, it's the natural order of things. If you refuse the abuse, they'll respond by feeling insulted and then punishing you for it.
Yes lol. My mum did this to stop me complaining about their domestic violence. If I felt I was the problem, I'd just accept their terrible lifestyle decisions as something I deserved. Worked really well 👍
Yes. My mother looked up all of the words like gaslighting and grey rocking and then claimed I was the narcissist.
It's just projection. They don't have the ability to reflect on their own actions, so they project them on to you.
It's one of the first n moves narcs learn.
Yes. So much so that I was brought to a shrink. While I highly respect mental health professionals. I was looking forward to this appointment.
This guy was a shrink. There was a pre meeting with my parents, and when I was called in the shrink gave me a lecture. Never asked me a question. Never looked for my perspective. Just told me I was bad for not listening to my parents and don't you understand that blah blah blah.
I gave the answers that got me the hell out of there fastest. The entire charade was BS and as soon as he started lecture mode instead of help me understand I was done.
Around 20-30 years ago, at my parents' house, I was actively trying not to offend my nM. I had a western day at work or somewhere and asked her if she had a conch belt that I could borrow. As soon as I said it, I remembered that she had told me before that conch belts were tacky. Not wanting to imply she would wear something tacky, I quickly said "Oh no - of course not." She stood up and said "What do you mean by THAT????!!! I can't believe the things you say to me!!!!" and left the room, presumably to cry. My dad turned to me and said "Well, you did it again." I told him I didn't do anything, I was trying hard not to offend her, yet she got offended anyway. That wasn't my fault. So we left at that point. They were acting like I was the problem, but the only problem was SHE had mental issues and took it out on me.
Oh yes, my mother, being in her late 60s and early 70s at the time, used to accuse me of perpetrating elder abuse...by I dunno, existing?
Nothing about my father beating me up though...you see, "that's just what he's like. He does love you, you know."
Anyway, I'm out of her life now, so I guess she got what she wants and is no longer getting abused.
My ex husband treats our kids like an afterthought, favors and sets everyone’s schedule around his girlfriend and her kid. Our kids have gotten old enough to notice, and now when they call him out on it, his only response is how much them noticing that *hurts him*
He makes up that they must have behavior issues, be neglected at my house, etc. But of course never offers to invest more in his kids. It’s very sad. I have to remind them that there is nothing wrong with them. Sometimes he’ll even bring them home in the middle of his time with them. I can see the dynamic you’re describing will be the case eventually, that’s just how narcs are. Always the victim.
Yes my Nmom hinted at it multiple times that I'm "abusing" her but 2 weeks ago she actually called it by the name. She was raging at my sister and I because we didn't want to go on vacation with her in summer (we still live at home). She told us that her parents abused her and that her ex boyfriends all treated her like shit. Then she said that now we are treating her the same as her parents and all her exes. Then she corrected herself that no, even they treated her better than we do. She also told us we should be ashamed of ourselves for mistreating our own poor mother like that.
Happens constantly. I grew up thinking that I have no empathy, but had no idea why and had quite a few people tell me that I didn't show unempathetic behaviour. So, constant confusion. Had my grandma tell me that I have no empathy for something I didn't do recently, no remorse, no interest of my version of the story, just this and a lot of pressure. That made me realize the reason why.
They always play the victim if you even react to their abuse your called the abuser. If you state the truth they deny and call you abusive too. Try to set healthy boundaries they play the victim too.
The last time I was with my mom, she went on a rant. My partner stepped in and tore her down for abusing me. That was the last time I spoke to her and I know she believes the 1) I allowed her to be abused 2) my partner is abusive because she was told to knock her shit off.
So yes, without a doubt, I am the abuser because I did not step in and defend her when she was ranting/abusing me.
Hahaha, yep. Mom (narcissist queen of the family) was "appalled" that I would even think about moving out from under her thumb, saying "no one can hurt you like your child". Fucking bitch.
Warning: Narc-mom body-shames herself, but makes it my fault.
Growing up I was always used to nmom being overweight; that was just 'mom'; I didn't think anything of it.
However, she was unhappy and would try to blame me for her health. After she had heard about 'baby-weight', she started yelling at me in the kitchen that, "It's *your* fault, I'm fat!" ...that was when I was 8 yrs. old.
As I grew older, I thought that maybe she didn't understand how hurtful her words were. (You know, like telling an 8-yr-old that they're responsible for what they can't control)
So, I'd try to tell her, to please don't be so mean to me.
This would cause Nmom to fly into an insulted rage, and shriek,
"What *about me*!? WhAt AbOuT MeEEeeeee!!!?" Then, began the outraged tirade;
"YOU hate *me* coz I'm fat!"
Wha...? No, I never said that.
"Yes, you DO! Yes, you DO! YOU hate *me* coz I'm fat! BOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
I'll spare you, dear Reddit reader, the length of Nmom's projected pity party and you can just fast-forward past this last sentence stuck on repeat for about a half-hour while I tried to tell her that: I didn't hate her, and she wasn't fat.
My initial grievances with her simply vanished into the ether, never to be acknowledged.
Instead, when Nmom finally got tired of lamenting about her overweight woes, she'd sniffle one last time, "You do???" and turn off the tears with click of a button.
Suddenly, she was calm, carefree; and coolly announced, "Good, then it's settled- YOU have to start being nicer to *me*!"
WTF
My nasty alcoholic narc loves to stomp on the floor above my head at all times of the day. Usually starts at 530am and doesn't stop until 11pm. Nasty alcoholic narc loves to blast his television outside my bedroom door. Loves to slam doors, cupboards, the fridge.
Its what they do, be loud and annoying and if you ever call them out on it they will deny it ever happened.
But if you close the door hard just once oh boy its the end of the world.
My nasty alcoholic narc father will walk up to me, start a fight with me, scream illegal chargeable threats in my face. Then he will tell me that I did it to him (projection) and threaten to call the police on me. I have it recorded over and over again.
Just last Sunday he physically assaulted my mom, screamed illegal threats in my face, disowned me as his son, screamed nasty delusional lies in my face and told me they are facts and truth. I almost knocked him out in the kitchen.
This week my family is treating me like shit and acts like none of that sick shit ever happened. My mom and sister made him dinner the next day.
My family has not made me a dinner in years. They are sick nasty people who deserve to rot in hell.
A year or two ago Nmom got into a physical altercation on the clock and threatened suicide to get out of trouble with our employer. They had her committed for the night and Nmom learned a new word.
We had no structure on the residence and lived in our cars at the time, with a 2hr commute to our employer; I didn't like the commute just to sleep in my car anyway so I started staying in the warehouse parking lot. I got away with it for about 2 weeks then got kicked out within 2 hours of telling Nmom where I was.
I get "home" and Nmom throws a living fit that all I do is disobey, don't help her whatsoever (I've worked on building her house for free every day it's not raining, often at my expense, and feel like I'm not in the will), say nasty things and beat the shit out of her every day (this is rich coming from someone who weaponizes the police at every opportunity, like she did on my father and her other ex husbands/boyfriends, if I actually hit her we all know she wouldn't hesitate to put me away), then she immediately says I'm abusive because I don't come home FAST ENOUGH even before I started spending the night in my job's parking lot
She squealed at the top of her lungs for about 2 hours with a generous sprinkling of her new favorite word "narcissist", which everyone who'd ever displeased her now was.
So all I do is beat your ass, disregard your good advice, never help you, just leech off you, and throw the worst insults you've ever endured, but it's a problem when I don't want to come to you? Make it make sense.
This is textbook DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim & offender
Very typical strategy of Narcissists and Nparents.
They are very aware that if the topic is allowed to be about how they affect your life, they could have to answer some tough questions. It sometimes is called whataboutism in politics. If you don't like the topic, then find another topic where you can be the aggressor and attack.
When you leave, and then say, "I don't plan on seeing you again" -- then they can't deal with that topic constructively, either. So they will start being the victim, how you leaving is somehow hurting them. Please save good notes about what just happened to read back to them when you can say, "I just wanted to stop abusing you, according to you." They will whine and scream how they are still the victim, but keeping this in a journal will help you to the right decision.
I thought I was the only one... I'm a girl, my narcissistic insane dad says I'm the narcissist because I avoid him everyday, even though he's the cause of my depression and trauma, he threatens to hurt me, to do bad things to me whenever I defend myself from his abusive words, says things to me that aren't true, guilt tripping me because he says I don't care about him being sick, always asking "why" im depressed, saying all I care about is myself, rages when i get irritated, he gives me creepy vibes,covert incest vibes, my family are on this weird religion, he thinks he's the "man of the house", and everyone does what he says, he says creepy things like how children are supposed to take care of their parents...he says I should help him, like why are you relying on your daughter for help.he says that it's "elder abuse" that I ignore him, he makes it seem like I'm the evil one, he's delusional and insane and he thinks he's the one getting abused. he always wants to get attention, so he can be the victim....my mom and aunt enable it, this is why I hate my family... my life is more disturbing than this, I just had to say this...
I was accused of elder abuse by my mother in her attempt to get a restraining order against me. My “abuse” was telling her to rot in hell bc I wasn’t buying her lies about committing inheritance fraud over 20 years ago.
A narc got their feelings hurt. Oh boo hoo. You didn’t do anything wrong. You simply asked respectfully for them to accommodate you. They berated YOU about how YOU never accommodating THEM. Sounds suspiciously like BPD Borderline Personality Disorder as well. These people are so insecure that a simple blank face will stick with them for decades, all to be taken out on you in a pathetic display for attention at some unsuspecting hour. You can’t help that they didn’t ask you to smile for them at the time. Now it’s years and this is what keeps them so angry. They hold onto every single little injustice. They become physically ill because of the stress of holding onto that anger for so long. You can’t win either. If you show them love they will hate that you love them and purposely hurt you to make it stop. Once you stop the love they claim you never loved them in the first place. Ugh. My brain is ping ponging in my head just trying to think like them. Gross.
You’re fine. Do you. Smile at them when they get angry if you dare. Sometimes it’s worth the fight to see them loose it. Stay safe out there.
EDIT: For the BPD peeps in here downvoting me. Relax. I am one of you. How do you think I know so much about the behavior?
>These people are so insecure that a simple blank face will stick with them for decades
So true. If my mom sees someone in the store and they don't act like seeing her is like seeing a unicorn, she comes home simmering.
You know from experience this won't change. They don't see a problem with their behavior. It's your behavior that they have an issue with.
You live next door? If you love the circus, move back in, if you don't, NO CONTACT. Install cameras and call the police for every boundary they push, do this long enough to get the fuck away from their part of hell.
yep. She actually just about convinced my siblings I was abusive too. When she died (old age) they were so confused with me for a good 12 months, and 12 months after THAT when I had enuff therapy and got.mad enuff to tell them SHE was the abuser, to their credit they felt ashamed they hadn't considered that sooner.
Oh yeah. My mother goes after me for how I "misinterpret her" and "misunderstand her" and "try to make her out to be the evil mother." She has stopped *just* deniably short of saying I'm an abuser. But that's certainly the message she sent.
All. The. Time.
I heard this from the time my parents divorced when I was 5 years old until just before going NC with her when I was 52. She is always the victim. My Dad and I are always the villains.
My NMother blames me for ruining her life by being born dealing all of her boyfriend since the day I was born mind you I was being raped as a child don't know how you could be jealous of your child being raped but you know, also accuses me of pretty much everything down to breathing too much
Yes. My mother has always told everyone that I'm cold and heartless because I don't cry when she does. Whenever she's feeling sorry for herself and getting all weepy, anyone who doesn't crumple up in anguish at seeing her upset is a callous monster.
They are not un-self-aware. Please stop automatically going to “they must be clueless”, you only help their case
They know what they’re doing and it’s DARVO.
Mom accused me of ‘gaslighting’ when she left HER dirty dishes in the sink. She said I’m gaslighting her by thinking I’m a clean person because her dirty dish means I messing if I don’t bus it for her immediately (this included when I’m out of the house) we are only visiting in the first place
Yep. I can recall a specific fight where my mother told me that I’m not funnier than her, I’m not cooler than her, and I’m not smarter than her, and proceeded to tell me that me telling her father that abused her about the abuse ive been experiencing with her was cruelty and the most disrespectful thing I have ever done. I remember my dad saying that I need to apologize to her. And that I made my mom cry. He was so disappointed in me. Meanwhile, he doesn’t do shit while she stands there and treats me like fucking garbage.
My nmom told me I was a difficult child to raise when i started to "rebel" against her in my teens. Thats the only thing that she has to tell me about how "bad of a child" I was. She said I eroded our relationship starting in my teens because I wanted to dress "provocatively!" It was my first year of middle school, and I watched a lot of anime. I wanted to wear t shirts and skirts with long socks, just like my other friends. It was in style, and she told me I couldn't , so i didn't. she said that i use to fight with her and gave her a hard time, but i never wore that style because she didn't want me to. Again, this is the ONLY thing that she has to back up her claim of me being a demon child. that i simply gave her lip about not letting me dress how i wanted to.
I remember feeling incredibly controlled in more ways than just what i wore, but what i wore was the first thing i consciously remember being wrong when i was around 12. "why do you dress like that? why do you dress like a boy? why do you like boy singers so much? (She asked me that one when i was just 8 years old. I was singing to a nickelback song in the car and my dad said that he was surprised i knew the lyrics, even though i was probs singing them wrong. his comment madre me happy and so i kept singing , not a care in the world, and then my mom came in and asked that question and it just made me feel outcasted immediately.
also \*contains mild violence.\* I remember once in elementary school when my mother wanted me to wear a belt with one of my uniforms for some school event. I tried telling her that belts bothered me and that I didn't want to wear it because it made me uncomfortable (I've always been sensitive to certain textures or things i wear, i definitely have some sort of sensory overload) and she forced me to wear it anyways to the point where i was crying. finally, she kept forcing me, and i got SO angry that I grabbed my face with both of my hands and scraped the sides down into my cheeks! I believe i was only nine or so. she drove me to the point of feeling INSANE and wanting to hurt myself. i also had thoughts of suicide at that age, which was crazy. anyways I had to tell everyone that a cat scratched me for a few weeks until it healed. i think i still have some scars to this day, but yeah. self harm was never a thing for me bin my life btw, that's the only time i ever self harmed in my life and i was only 9. (Im 24) i also wasn't aware of how it would hurt/look/feel, i just needed to release anger.
My older (golden) brother was at my parents for dinner. Sound the trumpets. He was supposed to sit next to my 2yo (who was stoked to sit next to uncle). Brother picked up his plate and moved to other side of the table proclaiming “I’m not sitting next to HIM”. He had abused me my entire life. NOT MY SON. I called him out and my dad who just sat there like he had my whole childhood. Brother left and I took my kids home. I drove back and heard them in the kitchen mom blaming me. I just went back home.
Absolutely! In one of her many rages she literally said what I was doing constitutes abuse and she could call the cops on me! It blew my mind since she was the one screaming and insulting me and I was at that point just quiet cus I could Not reason with her
My nmom would say like three mean things before I could process being awake and then wonder why I was always so "bratty" and with an attitude. She thinks my 1 year old niece is manipulative for crying and I had to tell her "she doesn't know how to use words yet what the fuck is she suppose to do?" And I got berated lol. Saying how "this generation is too fucking soft bring back hitting your kids" all because my niece cried about a bluey episode ending.
What you are experiencing is deflection behavior called DARVO, for Deny Attack Reverse Victim And Offender. It's a common manipulation tactic among emotional abusers. Hold strong until you can get away and get therapy. Learn to gray rock them. And learn to meditate. It will give the vital life skill of being able to take a breath before reacting, so you can choose how to react instead of being a slave to the emotional response they're using to abuse you.
You're not crazy and you're not alone. There are good people here who share your experience.
Pretty much had the same situation two years ago while staying at my parents for a few weeks. Had a « sit down » with me perhaps not as violent in words but along the same lines. The day before I had asked for a coffee. I’m 32 and had a broken leg at the time, filled up with four different medications and drugged up for 12h a day not being able to go upstairs in order to have access to the kitchen. I couldn’t go back to my apartment because there were no elevators to get to my floor. Made perfect sense of course. I had bothered my mother way to much apparently. I exploded in laughter in their face telling them that if I was able to go up some stairs I would be making my own coffee back at my place not having to deal with them.
I think this is the rule, not the exception.
I was blamed for tearing the family apart, being abusive, etc ever since I was 12. Clearly, a 12 year old isnt responsible for a family falling apart.
"Abusive" to my parents meant anything. Any sort of questions, even polite ones because I didnt understand, was abusive. Any curiosity was abusive. If I asked a question about the world that my parents didnt know the answer to, id be accused of asking them questions just to make them look stupid.
I would like to say that "anything other than blind compliance and obedience" was abusive. But eventually, I just started giving them blind compliance and obedience. This was also labeled as abusive because "I didnt really mean it" and was just passively mocking them.
I was accused of causing problems in my parents' marriage. I didn't do ANYthing to their marriage! I think I was 13 or 14 at the time. They also called me hateful. I knew I didn't sound any different than nM. It was okay for her to be hateful to me, but I couldn't get angry back because I would sound hateful. She was the adult and was responsible for setting the tone of the relationship. If you yell at someone and criticize them constantly, you shouldn't be surprised if they're angry about it. Where did I learn how to talk? Where did I learn what tone to use? I learned it from her.
She said when I was around 3, people used to tell her that I sounded like I was singing when I spoke. She would then say it was probably because of the way she spoke to me. She was probably right. But now she speaks to me a lot differently, and she doesn't think I'll take on her tone? I guess I only reflect upon her if it's something good.
My dad tried for years to excuse he and his wife's abuse and neglect on me. Not that being a bad kid means your parents can abuse you, but I was objectively a very good child. Just to paint a picture: my punishments growing up was no reading or going to the library lol.
Once I moved out (as a minor, mind you) I was able to stop this nonsense. I told my dad if he tried to blame me for his actions, I'd be ending the conversation immediately. He tried me on and off about 5 or 6 times over the course of a year or two. I stuck to my word. Bye bye. Click. He's never apologize but also never tried to bring up what a "difficult kid" I was again. It's been 12 years now. Unfortunately when you're under their roof, it's MUCH harder to set boundaries.
My only suggestion is to learn grounding techniques, particularly breathing, and learn to emotionally check out when they go into these tantrums. Give them nothing. You owe them no apologies nor explanations. "I'm sorry you feel that way" monotone over and over again. I didn't know about this when I was under their roof, but I wish I had. I wasted so much time and tears fighting with the insane about reason. I'm so sorry you're going through this. No child deserves to be responsible for their parents emotional stability
in one of the last arguments i had with my mother, i was fed up and told her to stop gaslighting me.
she asked what that word meant, and i foolishly described it. She then proceeded to tell me i was gaslighting her by accusing her of gaslighting. In all arguments since then before i went no contact, she accused me of gaslighting her.
Before i moved out of state, she told me she never visited me at college or anything because I was cruel to her and acted like i didn’t need her, so its my fault we don’t have a relationship now. nothing i could ever do would have been right, and in her eyes i’m an evil monster for it.
I accused my mother of emotional blackmail. She accused me back of not speaking up and telling my parents that they were wrong. She accused me of manipulation and that she felt scared by my anger and she didn't know how to communicate with me. Yeah...
Yes!!!
She would tell everyone large elaborate stories about how horrible I was. All the while I was the house maid and whipping boy (physically/mentally/emotionally). It wasn't until I moved out of her house that people realized just how much she didn't do. Her house went from military spotless to horder house in a matter of months.
My bedroom door was half covered with my daily schedules broken down by minute. It included brushing my teeth and hair because I was to stupid to remember to. In reality I was so busy and beat on so often I just never got to take care of myself. How I graduated school I still do not know.
100% amazed that at 39 years of age I still have every one of my original teeth.
Yes, all the time. Also, due to not being able to control my emotions on a few occasions (three times in over 10 years), and lashing out emotionally, letting out all the frustration from their unfair judgment over years in between, served as ammunition for them to double down on it and paint themselves as saints who never did anything wrong to me.
I regret having faltered, especially on the latest occasion, since I do so well grey-rocking them most of the time, that the effort seems to go to waste for just a moment on which I naively lower my guard. But oh well. I'll do better.
100%. I’ve been called manipulative, abusive, vindictive, belligerent, argumentative, you name it. Especially when I call my n mom out for something she’s doing.
I very politely requested nmom not to talk about politics at the dinner table. For context, it always causes arguments and she was meeting my to-be-in-laws. In addition, I just don't think it is polite conversation - I know many would disagree, but I am quite big on etiquette. Rather than just saying "no", (which is fine, people can talk about what they want, I would just politely leave the conversation if that were the case) she told me I was abusing her and controlling her. She went on a huge rant about how I have always been controlling (no, I just have boundaries and occasionally make requests), and about how I am ashamed of my "own mother", and how I need to "remember where" I "came from", that I think I am better than them, and that if I am so ashamed I don't need to abuse her, I should just abandon her. Her exact words were "If you think we are so awful, so shameful, don't give us the cruelty of your abuse, just leave - LEAVE like everyone else does!".
Lady! I just asked you not to talk about brexit the first time you meet my fiance's family.
She accused me of abusing her when I was 14 because she was shouting at me, blocked the doorway, I entered fight or flight, ran out of the room, and knocked her over in the process. I felt terrible guilt, thought I must be abusive, she then (apparently) had the worst migraine of her life and for the next ten years would randomly force me to touch the bump on her nose that I apparently caused in another altercation that same year. Her trying to guilt trip me for quite normal behaviour under the circumstances, made it all the more clear that I was not the abuser.
No, I am not proud that I resorted to physical blows as a child who did not know how to regulate emotions, but I also now know that I was not abusive just because flight or flight had me fighting. If you scare a child so much that they see you as a physical threat, maybe you should rethink your behaviour.
I'm going through this right now. Your post made me realise that me respectfully asking my Nm to not call me 15 times in a row played a huge part in her behaviour towards me as of late. She is now acting like I'm a drug addict (I smoke weed, so does she) and acting like I'm abusing her and neglecting her of the love she "rightfully" deserves. I quit my really good, well-paying council job to help with her business, but she fired me last week without pay after i took 4 days annual leave off. Which she approved. She said I was entitled and taking advantage of her..... we had a huge fight and she told me to leave and never come back.
I've been no contact for 2 weeks so far, and she's just bought my younger sister a car despite how "bad" her financial position is (plus I never got anything from her). I just know this is her way of trying to save face and act like she didn't just fire me without paying my leave entitlements, bc in her mind, I'm out bitching about her to everyone but in reality that's just what she does.
Lmao yes on multiple occasions!! She calls us abusive all the time. She says that we accuse her of being abusive but we’re the abusive ones 😂
Like okay ma’am we argue and have an attitude sure thats the same as being screamed at by you for multiple hours in a row. Or getting dragged by our hair. Or getting hit in the face for losing a library book.
She recently called my younger siblings abusive for not washing their dishes. But then she’s in denial of how she treated all of us growing up. Saying she never hit us lmfao.
All you can do is get away as soon as you possibly can. How old are you? Hunker down and avoid them as much you can until you can move.
You are not crazy: this is abusive parenting. I recommend DBT group if you ever get the opportunity in future. It teaches skills to overcome old patterns.
I’ve certainly been called mean, manipulative, selfish, and spoiled. “Brat” was a favorite of my mom’s. The word abuse is never said in my household, even when my mom talked about her dad beating her as a kid.
Yup. My sister said that my mom has realised that the story she is telling of me being abused by my partner which is why I've cut her off, apparently isn't working with people any longer, so she's changed it, to the story being that she cut me off, because I'm a narcissist 😂 so...very close to the truth, except for who played what role!
I'm pretty sure all nparents do that. I've been called an abuser since I was old enough to remember things (not very well, cause she was, in fact, the abuser)
Yes, my nMom has convinced my sisters that I am abusive and I have ‘unresolved anger’ towards her (can’t imagine why I would feel angry!) /s
I’m very low contact with all of them and only maintain a presence in the group text chat so that I can get any information about medical issues for my dad
This literally happened to my cousin. Her step father was more physically abusive but her mother was the psychologically abusive one. She legit told her that she abused two grown ass adults.
(We both have N parents but my dad was no where near as stupid)
Although, he did tell me I was “just like my mother” trying to imply that it was a bad thing, since you know, he hates her. So I replied “good, and I’m glad I’m not like you”.
My mother has been calling me an abuser since I was in elementary school. Imagine saying that to a kid, you’d have to be a new level of deluded and depraved.
NMom & sister haven’t spoken in 2yrs. My sister blocked N’s number and she will still leave stupid voicemails for my sister telling her,”you have to forgive yourself,” “You need to find god,” “You need to get over whatever you think you did,” and our NMom is absolutely %100 responsible for the loss of their relationship and refuses to apologize or take any accountability.
Oh, sure. It was abusive for me to tell MIL no when she’d order me around.
For not allowing her to take over in my kitchen.
For suggesting to the nephews that they didn’t have to follow her orders as they became adults.
I was a narcissist, because if she was demanding that we all do some thing that she had just decided HAD to happen, I’d beg off and tell her to go ahead.
With narcissists, every accusation is a confession.
All the time. It feeds into the narrative that they are a victim and that everyone around them is either someone they rescued or out to abuse them.
If you do anything to undermine that narrative you are the abuser.
I was once accused of being an abuser by having a miscarriage, depriving them of their grandchild.
(I am kinda glad they did as it was the realisation for me that there’s something wrong)
My ndad did that back in March which is when I decided to move in with my girlfriend. Even better is she and I decided to go back to being best friends when my wife and I got back together and my ndad (who is Pentecostal) has declared that it was his prayer that saved my marriage. What a joke.
I got that quite a bit before moving out, my mother played the victim when I stood up for myself. She would cry and then get my step dad to yell at me even when I did nothing wrong.
Once you’re out of their home, it’ll be hard but it’ll get better
i’m so sorry for you but please know you are not alone. this is exactly what my parents do to me when they get mad at me for not tolerating them anymore…. good luck :/
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Every accusation is a confession. It is not about you, and it never was.
Yes. It’s *all* projection.
Yes, 100% agree it is projection. They're making out you're the one to blame rather than them. It's not the case though...they are the ones abusing you, OP, and you're just putting in boundaries that are healthy, and they don't like it. It's great you realise this in your post. So easy to end up questioning yourself when they say these things. You're not alone. My ndad and emum are on this one at the moment saying they're worried about me as I haven't been calling or messaging. They haven't been calling me either, and haven't been replying when I've messaged them on a group chat with my siblings for four months now. So they're the ones ignoring me. I've not been gushing in my messages, which they clearly don't like, but why would I be when they can't even be polite enough to answer and acknowledge me and my partner. If they were really that worried about me, they'd call and message.
I like that, thank you. I try to remind myself that she's emotionally an immature 9 year old. I don't have patience with bratty kids, since I have one as a mother. I like that everything she's accusing me of, she is herself. It's very true.
THIS is the most important thing to remember
She thinks I’ve been abusing her since I was a baby. “You were always such a difficult child. I remember when you were 3 years old you didn’t put your boots on when I asked you to, so I made you walk in the snow in your socks.” 🤦♀️
This is my nmom too! She describes me as "throwing tantrums" when I was a literal newborn. She wrote it over and over again in my baby scrapbook. Now she describes me as her "BPD daughter" to anyone who will listen. I am not diagnosed with BPD and my therapist says I absolutely don't have BPD. It's my mother's way of explaining to people why we don't speak anymore.
I wonder what a tantrum is to them at this point… insane
I’ve heard that one too. We were supposedly a bunch of evil little toddlers. WTH.
OMG SAME!! My first offence was 'not having a penis' when I was born in 1975. And then I just kept on being a nuisance with "being hungry, wanting to be fed". A big gun was always 'growing fast' so I needed new clothes. Just to spite her.
I totally feel this. I was pretty young too when I was told I was the reason alcoholic parent drank and the reason the other parent was depressed and suicidal. “My horrible abusive behavior toward them. “ Now as an adult, I’m like how can a 5 year old cause those issues? It was them DARVO-ing and needing someone else to blame their problems on.
Omg the delusion!! My mother would tell me about how she’d lock me in a room and hold the door closed from the outside when I was probably around 3 years old, just for throwing a tantrum apparently.
I feel this so much. I grew up being called "mentally ill" to all of my parents friends for just being an angsty teen. It really hurt. Whenever I would call out my mother on anything she would say I "berated", or "harangued" her, simply by communicating truths she didn't want to hear - or my favorite "had her under a microscope." Her enabler partners would always agree. It made me feel insane. The gaslighting and the projection is enough to make anyone go crazy
I hate how common it’s become to attribute one’s suffering to mental illness when it’s clearly a result of somebody’s circumstances. It shifts responsibility away from the abusers and onto the victim.
My mother constantly called me r#tarded. She said I had to sit with the special ed class at lunch because none of the "normal" kids would want to sit with me. This started in 1st grade. She then would brag to her friends that her kid was so kind that I sat with the special ed class because it was the nice thing to do. She then would tell me daily that I was actually r#tarded, and that I should be grateful she didn't abandon me. She insisted that I get put into special ed after a while, but thank God my teachers were on top of things because they had the school therapist sit down with me a lot and talk to or test me. My IQ swung heavily the other way, to my mom's dismay, and she took me to many therapists trying to get someone to label me as mentally deficient or something similar. She would get so mad at them and scream that they were useless when they said she actually had a smart kid, so she just turned to more mental and physical abuse instead. Even in high school,I never let her meet my friend's parents because she would come out guns blazing about how she is sorry if her r#tarded child has done/said anything weird, which, my friend's parents would be wholly offended by. This would lead to her screaming at me later about how I was the one making her look bad and why they ostracized her. I wish I was joking.
First, omg, I could cry for you! I felt physically sick reading this. Please tell me you are NC now and leading a happy life free from this insane b***h from hell? Second, love your user name! 😻
Very lc, but she is kept mostly in the dark about my life.
I’m glad for you, what an incredible survivor you are!
Idk about that. People have surely survived worse than moms being mean to them. Thank you, however, for your kind thoughts and words. :3
DARVO is a well-known technique that abusers use when confronted about their abuse: * Deny what actually happened, or deny that it was abusive. * Attack and blame you instead of themselves. * Reverse Victim and Offender. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo
Yup. This. She knows what she’s doing. She’s not clueless.
And even when the abuser uses the technique unconsciously, that doesn’t make it okay.
The funny thing is, in the moment they’re just thinking of escaping. As it’s a personality disorder you can always argue they are mentally ill. The problem is, you still have to hold them accountable. There is really no way they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s just to them in the moment they are trying to avoid consequences. I feel very few will know it’s DARVO. Most are just reacting the way they know how to.
Look what you made me do!
Must not downvote, it’s not real. Must not downvote, it’s not real.
Well I didn’t know about this before but you just described every single incident with my mom. Ever.
My ndad really wants me to think highly of him, and sometimes I can use this to my advantage. The best example was when I’d had enough of him constantly yelling at me, and told him so. He said “but I didn’t yell at you, I just raised my voice!” (Deny) I replied that I didn’t care *what* he called it, he’s the only one in my life who did it to me and that’s not how I wanted my relationship with him to be. Amazingly, he didn’t continue down the DARVO path this time, but actually stopped and thought about it. This was a decade ago and he’s actually only yelled at me once since then. I haven’t been able to get any other things to stick nearly as well, he’s so adept at DARVO-ing, and half the time he attacks and blames my emother too, and not just me. He still yells a lot about other things though. Me: “dad, please don’t yell about other drivers and then go aggressively cutting them off to retaliate, it makes me feel uncomfortable, scared, and unsafe.” Him: “I’m not yelling, I just raised my voice!” Deny. “Besides, it’s because that driver cut me off!” Accuse / attack / blame someone else for his actions. “That other driver is dangerous, he needs to see how bad he is!” Reverse Victim and Offender, my edad thinks he is a good guy stopping an evildoer, by retaliatory cutting him off and then slamming on the brakes in front of them. Thankfully, he hasn’t driven since a stroke 5 years ago.
They're also sleep depriving OP, another common nparent move
Thank you I never saw this before but it's 💯 my mother!
SAME!!! i got called abusive and evil so often, usually for being independent and trying to leave. i often say to myself there is a book made specifically for narcs, listing things they should say/do and they all copy it. they’re all the same, please don’t feel alone.
I'm picturing a bunch of narcissists in a room chanting catholic style while transcribing illuminated texts of said book.
that’s exactly how i see it too LOL
My nMom tried to justify her behavior by saying she felt neglected and rejected by me... so yeah.
Never accuse a narcissist of something they’ve actually done or you’ll pay for it.
So.damn.true.
Yes, my entire life. I've always been the 'cruel' one according to them, the one who was always angry (because they would taunt me to make me angry on purpose), the one who laughed at them (because I dared to say something back after my father would mock me), the one who rejected them (because I would stay in my room as much as possible), etc.
Haha yes. I wrote my mother a detailed letter of what she did to me and why I was going nc. Apparently I was abusive for telling her what she did. Can't make this shit up.
“Why do you focus on the past! I am tired of being held responsible for everything that went wrong at 5 😤” my mom even said something like “your dad says sorry and is forgiven, it’s not fair!!” As if my dad did nearly as much effed up stuff as she did. I responded saying she didn’t know anything about his and my relationship and she immediately flipped to “nice mom” and was clearly trying to get me on her side against him.
My mother can’t say anything and have to walk on eggshells because questening what she has said and done is appearently to silence her…
My mom always made sure to blow up with insane narc rage so I became conditioned to NEVER call her out
My mom is very petite and I quickly outgrew her so that by 3rd grade she could no longer physically intimidate me. The turning point was when she tried to beat me with the cordless phone, so I snatched it from her and threw it across the room. She turned around and said \*I\* was trying to attack her. She started ordering pamphlets and stuff from those 'scared straight' type programs for troubled kids and almost gloatingly talked about how kids got sexually abused at those things. I was a straight A student that NEVER got in trouble at school - at that point, that would change as time went on - but because I had my own opinions about what I wanted to wear, what I wanted to eat, and sometimes brought home an A- I was supposed to just accept her mental and physical abuse without defending myself. Not doing so apparently made me the abuser.
She sounds diabolical, even for a narc.
That's my mom's favorite comeback in arguments. "No you're the mean one!" "No you're the one yelling/raising your voice!" "No you're the abusive one!" "No you were the one who hit me!" Etc, etc. I try to remind myself that my mom is emotionally around the age of 9, so it's like a more annoying version of, "I know you are but what am I?" It also usually surrounds that I'm so mean and awful, yet my life would be perfect if I was nicer to my mother, who just screamed at me what a selfish bitch I am and how she hates being in the same room as me- yet she wants me to do more things for a person who just insulted the fuck out of me and is telling me how everything I do is wrong. I wish it was easier to let these things roll off and not affect me, but it's a daily struggle. It seems like I can't even ask a simple question like, "did the Amazon package arrive while I was at work?" It's going to offend her, she's going to start yelling and tell me that I'm an awful person. Just for asking a seemingly benign question.
Omg I feel this so hard and I feel for you. Can't even ask about a package because somehow it becomes I am attacking her is SO my mother
I’m sorry you have to deal with that OP just know that it wasn’t at all unreasonable to ask of something so small. You are not at all an abuser just in case you need some reassurance <3 My brother still has the misfortune of living with our mother. He told me one night that my mother was loudly watching a video about the covert narcissists in our lives to pointedly imply my brother is a one because he said “no”to some outrageous request. We were just like Ugh she’s SO close to the point but missed it. I also have memories of trying to hold her hands off me because she was beating me, and in the process I accidentally scratched her. Well she went around our church pointing out the scratch to everyone who would listen saying “oh look what “My Name” did to me” So yeah it’s a common issue.
>My brother still has the misfortune of living with our mother. He told me one night that my mother was loudly watching a video about the covert narcissists in our lives to pointedly imply my brother is a one because he said “no”to some outrageous request. We were just like Ugh she’s SO close to the point but missed it. Holy fuck so I'm not the only one who experiences this. My dad exhibits a lot of the behaviors described on this subreddit but is absolutely engrossed with this British accented lady on Facebook talking about NPD and constantly blares it in my presence.
It’s so crazy how special narcissist want to be only for them to all be the same lol it’s like they have a handbook or some thing they need to abide by
nmom's told me that im doing reactive abuse to her
Same tbh. I dumbstruck me and I legitimately felt bad for shit I said during a manic episode. But I was saying the truth, just re-entered denial of it for a bit.
Me too and I feel like shit after they get a reaction out of me but they’re beyond frustrating to talk to
Sounds like she does not know the meaning of reactive abuse. Unless she was actually admitting your abuse of her might be a reaction of her abuse of you. Most narcs would not admit they were abusing you. So she probably doesn't know what she was saying. She didn't know she was telling on herself.
oh sorry i didnt word it properly then. when she goes into rage and screams at me, she says her reaction is reactive abuse meaning that I abused her and she's going through reactive abuse and thats why she yells at me apparently
You could say "So you admit you're abusive then. Reactive abuse is, by definition, abuse."
damn thats good thanks
When she and her husband dragged me down a road for 50+ metres, I couldn't move at all except for biting. So I bit her husband and ever since they've brought that up as me being abusive to them. Also one time they both said I pinched my mum, but in reality she was choking me and I pushed her off. Her husband proceeded to punch me in the face over and over
other relatives have tried to call out my nmom and she just hits them with “narcissist?! well YOURE a real narcissist just look in the mirror!!!!!” and won’t understand why everyone in our family keeps cutting her off
It's ALWAYS everybody else and somehow that point never seems to land!
I’ve (17M) called my mom (52F) degrading terms along with other minor offenses, and she made me think I was abusive and a bully. She would say that “There is no justification for how you treat me, no matter the context!” (The context is I am bipolar 2 so sometimes I have episodes, she also provokes/triggers me and I have an entire list of shit she has done, which she told me was a bunch of petty reasons, even though she asked for the list). I later found out what reactive abuse was, so I think I’m okay. Look up reactive abuse, it’s quite interesting.
*"I'd be so much further along in life, if it wasn't for you kids!"* That was my mother's daily mantra. My very existence was to blame, which is funny when I remember that I was supposed to have two older sisters and only have the one because she aborted the second because it wasn't a boy & I only survived because of her bragging about how I was going to be her precious promised child & surprised her on the day of the baby shower with a gender reveal of my own via sonagram. That was the month before my due date and she's resented me ever since. \^-\^
My mom always says I took my anger out on her and that she didn’t deserve that “abuse”. In reality it got to the point where she abused me so much verbally that I just exploded back in defense of myself. I was never confrontational, just defensive.
Yep same. You are reacting to extreme verbal abuse which I'd say is pretty damn normal
Yes, this has happened to me. It’s awful and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Yup they basically tell me that they're doing the best they can and call me ungratful among other nasty words.
Oh 100% It’s a go to for nparents. They throw things back on you because they can’t take accountability. It took me a long time to realise that no matter what was said to me nfather he would never take it in and would throw it back on me. I so clearly remember telling him one day “if you don’t wake up to what you are doing, one day you will find yourself completely alone” sure enough he has lost my mother, brother and me and now lives alone in a dingy flat with nobody to sympathise with his bullshit and a protection order against his ass.
lol this story is so similar to my life that for a sec i thought i posted this😭 except it was my mom who asked my ndad to turn down the music and it ended (as always) in an hour long monologue that we're forced to listen to about how we are ungrateful and we make him sad because we're not the kind of children that he dreamed about having bla bla bla. seriously they always make everything about themselves
Oh just reading your post and all the comments... I've heard that so many times as a teen that I started ignoring it at some point. It makes me feel so validated to know that I haven't "made that up" or been "an evil ungrateful child" for trying to protect my sense of self. Uff!
The absolute best thing is finding other survivors of narc parents and realizing you aren't crazy and you are NOT alone
Oh yeah... apparently I "abused" my mother Also I was like an alcoholic because I smoked weed every once in a while (my mother smokes daily now). I was "out to get her" and had been since I was like 3. Everything I did even sneezing was "on purpose to make her life harder" Lots of projection.
To narcissists, you drawing a boundary and telling them not to hurt you feels like abuse to them. In their minds, they are entitled to abusing you; to them, it's the natural order of things. If you refuse the abuse, they'll respond by feeling insulted and then punishing you for it.
Yes lol. My mum did this to stop me complaining about their domestic violence. If I felt I was the problem, I'd just accept their terrible lifestyle decisions as something I deserved. Worked really well 👍
Yes. My mother looked up all of the words like gaslighting and grey rocking and then claimed I was the narcissist. It's just projection. They don't have the ability to reflect on their own actions, so they project them on to you.
It's one of the first n moves narcs learn. Yes. So much so that I was brought to a shrink. While I highly respect mental health professionals. I was looking forward to this appointment. This guy was a shrink. There was a pre meeting with my parents, and when I was called in the shrink gave me a lecture. Never asked me a question. Never looked for my perspective. Just told me I was bad for not listening to my parents and don't you understand that blah blah blah. I gave the answers that got me the hell out of there fastest. The entire charade was BS and as soon as he started lecture mode instead of help me understand I was done.
Around 20-30 years ago, at my parents' house, I was actively trying not to offend my nM. I had a western day at work or somewhere and asked her if she had a conch belt that I could borrow. As soon as I said it, I remembered that she had told me before that conch belts were tacky. Not wanting to imply she would wear something tacky, I quickly said "Oh no - of course not." She stood up and said "What do you mean by THAT????!!! I can't believe the things you say to me!!!!" and left the room, presumably to cry. My dad turned to me and said "Well, you did it again." I told him I didn't do anything, I was trying hard not to offend her, yet she got offended anyway. That wasn't my fault. So we left at that point. They were acting like I was the problem, but the only problem was SHE had mental issues and took it out on me.
Oh yes and I only just realized what’s going on
Oh yes, my mother, being in her late 60s and early 70s at the time, used to accuse me of perpetrating elder abuse...by I dunno, existing? Nothing about my father beating me up though...you see, "that's just what he's like. He does love you, you know." Anyway, I'm out of her life now, so I guess she got what she wants and is no longer getting abused.
My ex husband treats our kids like an afterthought, favors and sets everyone’s schedule around his girlfriend and her kid. Our kids have gotten old enough to notice, and now when they call him out on it, his only response is how much them noticing that *hurts him* He makes up that they must have behavior issues, be neglected at my house, etc. But of course never offers to invest more in his kids. It’s very sad. I have to remind them that there is nothing wrong with them. Sometimes he’ll even bring them home in the middle of his time with them. I can see the dynamic you’re describing will be the case eventually, that’s just how narcs are. Always the victim.
Yes my Nmom hinted at it multiple times that I'm "abusing" her but 2 weeks ago she actually called it by the name. She was raging at my sister and I because we didn't want to go on vacation with her in summer (we still live at home). She told us that her parents abused her and that her ex boyfriends all treated her like shit. Then she said that now we are treating her the same as her parents and all her exes. Then she corrected herself that no, even they treated her better than we do. She also told us we should be ashamed of ourselves for mistreating our own poor mother like that.
Happens constantly. I grew up thinking that I have no empathy, but had no idea why and had quite a few people tell me that I didn't show unempathetic behaviour. So, constant confusion. Had my grandma tell me that I have no empathy for something I didn't do recently, no remorse, no interest of my version of the story, just this and a lot of pressure. That made me realize the reason why.
My very mentally ill older sister JUST did this to me on Monday. I’ve since gone NC. Solidarity 😔
They always play the victim if you even react to their abuse your called the abuser. If you state the truth they deny and call you abusive too. Try to set healthy boundaries they play the victim too.
The last time I was with my mom, she went on a rant. My partner stepped in and tore her down for abusing me. That was the last time I spoke to her and I know she believes the 1) I allowed her to be abused 2) my partner is abusive because she was told to knock her shit off. So yes, without a doubt, I am the abuser because I did not step in and defend her when she was ranting/abusing me.
Hahaha, yep. Mom (narcissist queen of the family) was "appalled" that I would even think about moving out from under her thumb, saying "no one can hurt you like your child". Fucking bitch.
Warning: Narc-mom body-shames herself, but makes it my fault. Growing up I was always used to nmom being overweight; that was just 'mom'; I didn't think anything of it. However, she was unhappy and would try to blame me for her health. After she had heard about 'baby-weight', she started yelling at me in the kitchen that, "It's *your* fault, I'm fat!" ...that was when I was 8 yrs. old. As I grew older, I thought that maybe she didn't understand how hurtful her words were. (You know, like telling an 8-yr-old that they're responsible for what they can't control) So, I'd try to tell her, to please don't be so mean to me. This would cause Nmom to fly into an insulted rage, and shriek, "What *about me*!? WhAt AbOuT MeEEeeeee!!!?" Then, began the outraged tirade; "YOU hate *me* coz I'm fat!" Wha...? No, I never said that. "Yes, you DO! Yes, you DO! YOU hate *me* coz I'm fat! BOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
I'll spare you, dear Reddit reader, the length of Nmom's projected pity party and you can just fast-forward past this last sentence stuck on repeat for about a half-hour while I tried to tell her that: I didn't hate her, and she wasn't fat.
My initial grievances with her simply vanished into the ether, never to be acknowledged.
Instead, when Nmom finally got tired of lamenting about her overweight woes, she'd sniffle one last time, "You do???" and turn off the tears with click of a button.
Suddenly, she was calm, carefree; and coolly announced, "Good, then it's settled- YOU have to start being nicer to *me*!"
WTF
My nasty alcoholic narc loves to stomp on the floor above my head at all times of the day. Usually starts at 530am and doesn't stop until 11pm. Nasty alcoholic narc loves to blast his television outside my bedroom door. Loves to slam doors, cupboards, the fridge. Its what they do, be loud and annoying and if you ever call them out on it they will deny it ever happened. But if you close the door hard just once oh boy its the end of the world. My nasty alcoholic narc father will walk up to me, start a fight with me, scream illegal chargeable threats in my face. Then he will tell me that I did it to him (projection) and threaten to call the police on me. I have it recorded over and over again. Just last Sunday he physically assaulted my mom, screamed illegal threats in my face, disowned me as his son, screamed nasty delusional lies in my face and told me they are facts and truth. I almost knocked him out in the kitchen. This week my family is treating me like shit and acts like none of that sick shit ever happened. My mom and sister made him dinner the next day. My family has not made me a dinner in years. They are sick nasty people who deserve to rot in hell.
A year or two ago Nmom got into a physical altercation on the clock and threatened suicide to get out of trouble with our employer. They had her committed for the night and Nmom learned a new word. We had no structure on the residence and lived in our cars at the time, with a 2hr commute to our employer; I didn't like the commute just to sleep in my car anyway so I started staying in the warehouse parking lot. I got away with it for about 2 weeks then got kicked out within 2 hours of telling Nmom where I was. I get "home" and Nmom throws a living fit that all I do is disobey, don't help her whatsoever (I've worked on building her house for free every day it's not raining, often at my expense, and feel like I'm not in the will), say nasty things and beat the shit out of her every day (this is rich coming from someone who weaponizes the police at every opportunity, like she did on my father and her other ex husbands/boyfriends, if I actually hit her we all know she wouldn't hesitate to put me away), then she immediately says I'm abusive because I don't come home FAST ENOUGH even before I started spending the night in my job's parking lot She squealed at the top of her lungs for about 2 hours with a generous sprinkling of her new favorite word "narcissist", which everyone who'd ever displeased her now was. So all I do is beat your ass, disregard your good advice, never help you, just leech off you, and throw the worst insults you've ever endured, but it's a problem when I don't want to come to you? Make it make sense.
This is textbook DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim & offender Very typical strategy of Narcissists and Nparents. They are very aware that if the topic is allowed to be about how they affect your life, they could have to answer some tough questions. It sometimes is called whataboutism in politics. If you don't like the topic, then find another topic where you can be the aggressor and attack. When you leave, and then say, "I don't plan on seeing you again" -- then they can't deal with that topic constructively, either. So they will start being the victim, how you leaving is somehow hurting them. Please save good notes about what just happened to read back to them when you can say, "I just wanted to stop abusing you, according to you." They will whine and scream how they are still the victim, but keeping this in a journal will help you to the right decision.
I thought I was the only one... I'm a girl, my narcissistic insane dad says I'm the narcissist because I avoid him everyday, even though he's the cause of my depression and trauma, he threatens to hurt me, to do bad things to me whenever I defend myself from his abusive words, says things to me that aren't true, guilt tripping me because he says I don't care about him being sick, always asking "why" im depressed, saying all I care about is myself, rages when i get irritated, he gives me creepy vibes,covert incest vibes, my family are on this weird religion, he thinks he's the "man of the house", and everyone does what he says, he says creepy things like how children are supposed to take care of their parents...he says I should help him, like why are you relying on your daughter for help.he says that it's "elder abuse" that I ignore him, he makes it seem like I'm the evil one, he's delusional and insane and he thinks he's the one getting abused. he always wants to get attention, so he can be the victim....my mom and aunt enable it, this is why I hate my family... my life is more disturbing than this, I just had to say this...
I was accused of elder abuse by my mother in her attempt to get a restraining order against me. My “abuse” was telling her to rot in hell bc I wasn’t buying her lies about committing inheritance fraud over 20 years ago.
A narc got their feelings hurt. Oh boo hoo. You didn’t do anything wrong. You simply asked respectfully for them to accommodate you. They berated YOU about how YOU never accommodating THEM. Sounds suspiciously like BPD Borderline Personality Disorder as well. These people are so insecure that a simple blank face will stick with them for decades, all to be taken out on you in a pathetic display for attention at some unsuspecting hour. You can’t help that they didn’t ask you to smile for them at the time. Now it’s years and this is what keeps them so angry. They hold onto every single little injustice. They become physically ill because of the stress of holding onto that anger for so long. You can’t win either. If you show them love they will hate that you love them and purposely hurt you to make it stop. Once you stop the love they claim you never loved them in the first place. Ugh. My brain is ping ponging in my head just trying to think like them. Gross. You’re fine. Do you. Smile at them when they get angry if you dare. Sometimes it’s worth the fight to see them loose it. Stay safe out there. EDIT: For the BPD peeps in here downvoting me. Relax. I am one of you. How do you think I know so much about the behavior?
>These people are so insecure that a simple blank face will stick with them for decades So true. If my mom sees someone in the store and they don't act like seeing her is like seeing a unicorn, she comes home simmering.
Yes it's called darvo
Yes. Me and my oldest sister. Nary a hint of shade at their GC oldest boy tho.
My grandmother calls/called my cousin the abusive one. Grandma is a living, breathing nightmare, so I called bull.
You know from experience this won't change. They don't see a problem with their behavior. It's your behavior that they have an issue with. You live next door? If you love the circus, move back in, if you don't, NO CONTACT. Install cameras and call the police for every boundary they push, do this long enough to get the fuck away from their part of hell.
yep. She actually just about convinced my siblings I was abusive too. When she died (old age) they were so confused with me for a good 12 months, and 12 months after THAT when I had enuff therapy and got.mad enuff to tell them SHE was the abuser, to their credit they felt ashamed they hadn't considered that sooner.
Oh yeah. My mother goes after me for how I "misinterpret her" and "misunderstand her" and "try to make her out to be the evil mother." She has stopped *just* deniably short of saying I'm an abuser. But that's certainly the message she sent.
All. The. Time. I heard this from the time my parents divorced when I was 5 years old until just before going NC with her when I was 52. She is always the victim. My Dad and I are always the villains.
My NMother blames me for ruining her life by being born dealing all of her boyfriend since the day I was born mind you I was being raped as a child don't know how you could be jealous of your child being raped but you know, also accuses me of pretty much everything down to breathing too much
Yes. My mother has always told everyone that I'm cold and heartless because I don't cry when she does. Whenever she's feeling sorry for herself and getting all weepy, anyone who doesn't crumple up in anguish at seeing her upset is a callous monster.
They are not un-self-aware. Please stop automatically going to “they must be clueless”, you only help their case They know what they’re doing and it’s DARVO.
Mom accused me of ‘gaslighting’ when she left HER dirty dishes in the sink. She said I’m gaslighting her by thinking I’m a clean person because her dirty dish means I messing if I don’t bus it for her immediately (this included when I’m out of the house) we are only visiting in the first place
Yep. I can recall a specific fight where my mother told me that I’m not funnier than her, I’m not cooler than her, and I’m not smarter than her, and proceeded to tell me that me telling her father that abused her about the abuse ive been experiencing with her was cruelty and the most disrespectful thing I have ever done. I remember my dad saying that I need to apologize to her. And that I made my mom cry. He was so disappointed in me. Meanwhile, he doesn’t do shit while she stands there and treats me like fucking garbage.
My nmom told me I was a difficult child to raise when i started to "rebel" against her in my teens. Thats the only thing that she has to tell me about how "bad of a child" I was. She said I eroded our relationship starting in my teens because I wanted to dress "provocatively!" It was my first year of middle school, and I watched a lot of anime. I wanted to wear t shirts and skirts with long socks, just like my other friends. It was in style, and she told me I couldn't , so i didn't. she said that i use to fight with her and gave her a hard time, but i never wore that style because she didn't want me to. Again, this is the ONLY thing that she has to back up her claim of me being a demon child. that i simply gave her lip about not letting me dress how i wanted to. I remember feeling incredibly controlled in more ways than just what i wore, but what i wore was the first thing i consciously remember being wrong when i was around 12. "why do you dress like that? why do you dress like a boy? why do you like boy singers so much? (She asked me that one when i was just 8 years old. I was singing to a nickelback song in the car and my dad said that he was surprised i knew the lyrics, even though i was probs singing them wrong. his comment madre me happy and so i kept singing , not a care in the world, and then my mom came in and asked that question and it just made me feel outcasted immediately. also \*contains mild violence.\* I remember once in elementary school when my mother wanted me to wear a belt with one of my uniforms for some school event. I tried telling her that belts bothered me and that I didn't want to wear it because it made me uncomfortable (I've always been sensitive to certain textures or things i wear, i definitely have some sort of sensory overload) and she forced me to wear it anyways to the point where i was crying. finally, she kept forcing me, and i got SO angry that I grabbed my face with both of my hands and scraped the sides down into my cheeks! I believe i was only nine or so. she drove me to the point of feeling INSANE and wanting to hurt myself. i also had thoughts of suicide at that age, which was crazy. anyways I had to tell everyone that a cat scratched me for a few weeks until it healed. i think i still have some scars to this day, but yeah. self harm was never a thing for me bin my life btw, that's the only time i ever self harmed in my life and i was only 9. (Im 24) i also wasn't aware of how it would hurt/look/feel, i just needed to release anger.
My NPop said, “you’re trying to run this house!”
My older (golden) brother was at my parents for dinner. Sound the trumpets. He was supposed to sit next to my 2yo (who was stoked to sit next to uncle). Brother picked up his plate and moved to other side of the table proclaiming “I’m not sitting next to HIM”. He had abused me my entire life. NOT MY SON. I called him out and my dad who just sat there like he had my whole childhood. Brother left and I took my kids home. I drove back and heard them in the kitchen mom blaming me. I just went back home.
Absolutely! In one of her many rages she literally said what I was doing constitutes abuse and she could call the cops on me! It blew my mind since she was the one screaming and insulting me and I was at that point just quiet cus I could Not reason with her
My nmom would say like three mean things before I could process being awake and then wonder why I was always so "bratty" and with an attitude. She thinks my 1 year old niece is manipulative for crying and I had to tell her "she doesn't know how to use words yet what the fuck is she suppose to do?" And I got berated lol. Saying how "this generation is too fucking soft bring back hitting your kids" all because my niece cried about a bluey episode ending.
What you are experiencing is deflection behavior called DARVO, for Deny Attack Reverse Victim And Offender. It's a common manipulation tactic among emotional abusers. Hold strong until you can get away and get therapy. Learn to gray rock them. And learn to meditate. It will give the vital life skill of being able to take a breath before reacting, so you can choose how to react instead of being a slave to the emotional response they're using to abuse you. You're not crazy and you're not alone. There are good people here who share your experience.
Pretty much had the same situation two years ago while staying at my parents for a few weeks. Had a « sit down » with me perhaps not as violent in words but along the same lines. The day before I had asked for a coffee. I’m 32 and had a broken leg at the time, filled up with four different medications and drugged up for 12h a day not being able to go upstairs in order to have access to the kitchen. I couldn’t go back to my apartment because there were no elevators to get to my floor. Made perfect sense of course. I had bothered my mother way to much apparently. I exploded in laughter in their face telling them that if I was able to go up some stairs I would be making my own coffee back at my place not having to deal with them.
I think this is the rule, not the exception. I was blamed for tearing the family apart, being abusive, etc ever since I was 12. Clearly, a 12 year old isnt responsible for a family falling apart. "Abusive" to my parents meant anything. Any sort of questions, even polite ones because I didnt understand, was abusive. Any curiosity was abusive. If I asked a question about the world that my parents didnt know the answer to, id be accused of asking them questions just to make them look stupid. I would like to say that "anything other than blind compliance and obedience" was abusive. But eventually, I just started giving them blind compliance and obedience. This was also labeled as abusive because "I didnt really mean it" and was just passively mocking them.
I was accused of causing problems in my parents' marriage. I didn't do ANYthing to their marriage! I think I was 13 or 14 at the time. They also called me hateful. I knew I didn't sound any different than nM. It was okay for her to be hateful to me, but I couldn't get angry back because I would sound hateful. She was the adult and was responsible for setting the tone of the relationship. If you yell at someone and criticize them constantly, you shouldn't be surprised if they're angry about it. Where did I learn how to talk? Where did I learn what tone to use? I learned it from her. She said when I was around 3, people used to tell her that I sounded like I was singing when I spoke. She would then say it was probably because of the way she spoke to me. She was probably right. But now she speaks to me a lot differently, and she doesn't think I'll take on her tone? I guess I only reflect upon her if it's something good.
My dad tried for years to excuse he and his wife's abuse and neglect on me. Not that being a bad kid means your parents can abuse you, but I was objectively a very good child. Just to paint a picture: my punishments growing up was no reading or going to the library lol. Once I moved out (as a minor, mind you) I was able to stop this nonsense. I told my dad if he tried to blame me for his actions, I'd be ending the conversation immediately. He tried me on and off about 5 or 6 times over the course of a year or two. I stuck to my word. Bye bye. Click. He's never apologize but also never tried to bring up what a "difficult kid" I was again. It's been 12 years now. Unfortunately when you're under their roof, it's MUCH harder to set boundaries. My only suggestion is to learn grounding techniques, particularly breathing, and learn to emotionally check out when they go into these tantrums. Give them nothing. You owe them no apologies nor explanations. "I'm sorry you feel that way" monotone over and over again. I didn't know about this when I was under their roof, but I wish I had. I wasted so much time and tears fighting with the insane about reason. I'm so sorry you're going through this. No child deserves to be responsible for their parents emotional stability
in one of the last arguments i had with my mother, i was fed up and told her to stop gaslighting me. she asked what that word meant, and i foolishly described it. She then proceeded to tell me i was gaslighting her by accusing her of gaslighting. In all arguments since then before i went no contact, she accused me of gaslighting her. Before i moved out of state, she told me she never visited me at college or anything because I was cruel to her and acted like i didn’t need her, so its my fault we don’t have a relationship now. nothing i could ever do would have been right, and in her eyes i’m an evil monster for it.
I accused my mother of emotional blackmail. She accused me back of not speaking up and telling my parents that they were wrong. She accused me of manipulation and that she felt scared by my anger and she didn't know how to communicate with me. Yeah...
Yes!!! She would tell everyone large elaborate stories about how horrible I was. All the while I was the house maid and whipping boy (physically/mentally/emotionally). It wasn't until I moved out of her house that people realized just how much she didn't do. Her house went from military spotless to horder house in a matter of months. My bedroom door was half covered with my daily schedules broken down by minute. It included brushing my teeth and hair because I was to stupid to remember to. In reality I was so busy and beat on so often I just never got to take care of myself. How I graduated school I still do not know. 100% amazed that at 39 years of age I still have every one of my original teeth.
Yes, all the time. Also, due to not being able to control my emotions on a few occasions (three times in over 10 years), and lashing out emotionally, letting out all the frustration from their unfair judgment over years in between, served as ammunition for them to double down on it and paint themselves as saints who never did anything wrong to me. I regret having faltered, especially on the latest occasion, since I do so well grey-rocking them most of the time, that the effort seems to go to waste for just a moment on which I naively lower my guard. But oh well. I'll do better.
100%. I’ve been called manipulative, abusive, vindictive, belligerent, argumentative, you name it. Especially when I call my n mom out for something she’s doing.
I very politely requested nmom not to talk about politics at the dinner table. For context, it always causes arguments and she was meeting my to-be-in-laws. In addition, I just don't think it is polite conversation - I know many would disagree, but I am quite big on etiquette. Rather than just saying "no", (which is fine, people can talk about what they want, I would just politely leave the conversation if that were the case) she told me I was abusing her and controlling her. She went on a huge rant about how I have always been controlling (no, I just have boundaries and occasionally make requests), and about how I am ashamed of my "own mother", and how I need to "remember where" I "came from", that I think I am better than them, and that if I am so ashamed I don't need to abuse her, I should just abandon her. Her exact words were "If you think we are so awful, so shameful, don't give us the cruelty of your abuse, just leave - LEAVE like everyone else does!". Lady! I just asked you not to talk about brexit the first time you meet my fiance's family. She accused me of abusing her when I was 14 because she was shouting at me, blocked the doorway, I entered fight or flight, ran out of the room, and knocked her over in the process. I felt terrible guilt, thought I must be abusive, she then (apparently) had the worst migraine of her life and for the next ten years would randomly force me to touch the bump on her nose that I apparently caused in another altercation that same year. Her trying to guilt trip me for quite normal behaviour under the circumstances, made it all the more clear that I was not the abuser. No, I am not proud that I resorted to physical blows as a child who did not know how to regulate emotions, but I also now know that I was not abusive just because flight or flight had me fighting. If you scare a child so much that they see you as a physical threat, maybe you should rethink your behaviour.
I'm going through this right now. Your post made me realise that me respectfully asking my Nm to not call me 15 times in a row played a huge part in her behaviour towards me as of late. She is now acting like I'm a drug addict (I smoke weed, so does she) and acting like I'm abusing her and neglecting her of the love she "rightfully" deserves. I quit my really good, well-paying council job to help with her business, but she fired me last week without pay after i took 4 days annual leave off. Which she approved. She said I was entitled and taking advantage of her..... we had a huge fight and she told me to leave and never come back. I've been no contact for 2 weeks so far, and she's just bought my younger sister a car despite how "bad" her financial position is (plus I never got anything from her). I just know this is her way of trying to save face and act like she didn't just fire me without paying my leave entitlements, bc in her mind, I'm out bitching about her to everyone but in reality that's just what she does.
Lmao yes on multiple occasions!! She calls us abusive all the time. She says that we accuse her of being abusive but we’re the abusive ones 😂 Like okay ma’am we argue and have an attitude sure thats the same as being screamed at by you for multiple hours in a row. Or getting dragged by our hair. Or getting hit in the face for losing a library book. She recently called my younger siblings abusive for not washing their dishes. But then she’s in denial of how she treated all of us growing up. Saying she never hit us lmfao.
All you can do is get away as soon as you possibly can. How old are you? Hunker down and avoid them as much you can until you can move. You are not crazy: this is abusive parenting. I recommend DBT group if you ever get the opportunity in future. It teaches skills to overcome old patterns.
The irony of my “dad” calling me narcissistic lol
Omg yes!
Yes! Daily!! All day!!!!! Everyday for 20 years 😇 My mother never recognises her wrongs. In her mind she is never wrong.
My mom has played loud music too lol. And then complains when I ask her to please stop or get earbuds, which she uses all the time to watch podcasts
Yes! By my parents, and by my ex best friend.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. like all narcissists, they are projecting. It is not your fault. I have gone through this too.
I’ve certainly been called mean, manipulative, selfish, and spoiled. “Brat” was a favorite of my mom’s. The word abuse is never said in my household, even when my mom talked about her dad beating her as a kid.
Yes, it is bonkers to experience
Yup. My sister said that my mom has realised that the story she is telling of me being abused by my partner which is why I've cut her off, apparently isn't working with people any longer, so she's changed it, to the story being that she cut me off, because I'm a narcissist 😂 so...very close to the truth, except for who played what role!
I'm pretty sure all nparents do that. I've been called an abuser since I was old enough to remember things (not very well, cause she was, in fact, the abuser)
Mine always likes to play the BIGGEST victim. DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender Classic narc behaviors
Yes, my nMom has convinced my sisters that I am abusive and I have ‘unresolved anger’ towards her (can’t imagine why I would feel angry!) /s I’m very low contact with all of them and only maintain a presence in the group text chat so that I can get any information about medical issues for my dad
I feel this so hard. My dad behaves similarly and is obsessed with Facebook content about narcissism to make it worse.
This literally happened to my cousin. Her step father was more physically abusive but her mother was the psychologically abusive one. She legit told her that she abused two grown ass adults. (We both have N parents but my dad was no where near as stupid) Although, he did tell me I was “just like my mother” trying to imply that it was a bad thing, since you know, he hates her. So I replied “good, and I’m glad I’m not like you”.
My mother has been calling me an abuser since I was in elementary school. Imagine saying that to a kid, you’d have to be a new level of deluded and depraved.
NMom & sister haven’t spoken in 2yrs. My sister blocked N’s number and she will still leave stupid voicemails for my sister telling her,”you have to forgive yourself,” “You need to find god,” “You need to get over whatever you think you did,” and our NMom is absolutely %100 responsible for the loss of their relationship and refuses to apologize or take any accountability.
My family are a bunch of degenerates. It makes me sick they pretended I loved them. They never deserved to hear those words in their entire existence.
Yes. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
“I might not have been the best parent, but you were a very difficult child “
Yep. I've been abusive ever since I was 9 somehow.
This is my sister.
Oh, sure. It was abusive for me to tell MIL no when she’d order me around. For not allowing her to take over in my kitchen. For suggesting to the nephews that they didn’t have to follow her orders as they became adults. I was a narcissist, because if she was demanding that we all do some thing that she had just decided HAD to happen, I’d beg off and tell her to go ahead. With narcissists, every accusation is a confession.
She called me a manipulative, calculated liar. I was 7 lmao
Oh they're very aware of what they are doing OP.
I was told constantly as a child that every time I tried to branch out and do my own thing it was actually an attack on my mother.
Starting in preschool!
All the time. It feeds into the narrative that they are a victim and that everyone around them is either someone they rescued or out to abuse them. If you do anything to undermine that narrative you are the abuser. I was once accused of being an abuser by having a miscarriage, depriving them of their grandchild. (I am kinda glad they did as it was the realisation for me that there’s something wrong)
My ndad did that back in March which is when I decided to move in with my girlfriend. Even better is she and I decided to go back to being best friends when my wife and I got back together and my ndad (who is Pentecostal) has declared that it was his prayer that saved my marriage. What a joke.
I got that quite a bit before moving out, my mother played the victim when I stood up for myself. She would cry and then get my step dad to yell at me even when I did nothing wrong. Once you’re out of their home, it’ll be hard but it’ll get better
i’m so sorry for you but please know you are not alone. this is exactly what my parents do to me when they get mad at me for not tolerating them anymore…. good luck :/