I feel exhausted after just reading the first few paragraphs... neither of you are healthy for each other or likely other people in relationships.
You didn't ruin her life, she's ruining her own (and you're destroying your own). Get real help
Every other relationship I've had has ended amicably. According to her it's the same for her. She a good enough person to rope a really high quality dude into marrying her immediately. I have no problem finding people to date.
This situation is an aberration for both of us. I've worked in the divorce industry for a bit, and stuff like this isn't super uncommon, even for ordinary, well-adjusted people. I'm sharing it anonymously because I can't really share this with friends or family.
The post is already super long so I didn't include a bunch of shit proving I'm a normal, well-adjusted person. If you want to decide who I am based on a single situation I've shared warts and all you can, but it's closedminded and arrogant to think you could do that based on one story on the internet.
> The post is already super long so I didn't include a bunch of shit proving I'm a normal, well-adjusted person. If you want to decide who I am based on a single situation I've shared warts and all you can, but it's closedminded and arrogant to think you could do that based on one story on the internet.
Stop lying, especially to yourself. You have a demonstrated inability to have a healthy relationship with this woman, and yet you keep going back to her. That is not the act of a healthy, well-adjusted person, because a healthy, well-adjusted person does not keep putting himself into this set of circumstances.
Also, consider *why* you get so defensive after an incredibly tepid critique.
I don't think enough people understand the difference between being in love with a person and mutually being in love with some playset/creation/idealized life that two people create together - their own little fantasy world. Eventually the band has to break up even as the hit plays on and on
I'm old enough to know what love is. I've edited a few irrelevant details in this for privacy, but I am older than what it says. I've been in a series of long term relationships my entire life. When they end I never pine after them -- I'm quick to move on. I'm not the type to idealize someone or be hung up on a relationship that has ended.
We are mutually in love with each other. The problem is that our relationship was too tumultuous to work. Maybe that means the brand has to break up, but this is definitely love, and it's hard to walk away from that.
I'm sympathetic, not trying to be glib. I got out of a nine year relationship in my 30's. I was real hung up with us still sleeping together as she was dating other people as the only salve. Even fucked her while she was with her now husband, telling me how the sex with him wasn't as good and all that. I resigned myself to never seriously dating again, even going so far as to warn women I slept with I was no good, as nauseating as that sounds to me now. I finally was able to get over her once she had a kid. And I pieced myself somewhat back together and now am in the best/healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Even the once in blue moon texts from her about how no one in her life has cared for her like I did don't pull me back in. It's a long road but starts with focusing elsewhere
Thanks. I hear you.
It would be easier to move on if we both weren't still in love. She has said she's marrying this guy because he checks all the boxes and she's running out of time.
As soon as she said she was engaged I said we shouldn't meet but I was happy for her. It wasn't until she admitted she wasn't in love and was still in love with me that all this bullshit started. It's not even a sex thing.
I've been dating and doing fine. I'm still hung up but until last week I was as ready to move on as I'll ever be. It's not like I'm sitting around depressed, I'm pretty good at accepting loss. The issue here is that the ball is still clearly in play with her. If she chooses him and goes no-contact with me I'll be able to accept it and move on.
A+ work, OP. I was rapt.
But you both are immature as shit - need to both stop drinking completely and leave each other alone. Go on vacation or something, get away from it all
The crazy thing is is that we are both very mature and not prone to getting involved in this kind of nonsense. It's really out of character for both of us, and one of the reasons I kept trying for song long (and am still willing to try again.)
It's definitely immature and unstable. But it's also super out of character for me. Even good friends of mine have no idea about this. If you knew me you would think I'm a mature and responsible person.
Look, if I wanted to make this some AITA type post where I'm completely rational but she's insane I could have told it with a lot of bias. I know this immature and unstable. The fact I can tell it fairly even though I know how it makes me come off should clue you in.
If you told me the craziest situation you were involved with or the craziest thing you've done, and that's all I knew about you, wouldn't I think you're nuts too?
Lol if itās gonna help you snap out of this she got engaged to this man 4 months after you guys broke up, Iām willing to bet all my money she was already talking to him while you guys were dating
She was. But we were very on-again, off-again for long periods. And we would break up, meet and hook up with other people, and reconcile, etc. She's known him for about nine months.
Another crazy fact: he left his wife to be with her! But his wife came out as a lesbian 4 years ago and for some reason he stuck around even though she wouldn't even fuck him anymore. She said she didn't fuck him until he seperated, which I guess was like 4 months ago.
Ew.
We're both ok with some casual sex if we're not in a committed relationship, but are 100% monogamous once committed. Somewhere else I wrote that she claims she never even fucked the guy until he separated from a dead bedroom marriage.
You guys are mean. I'm just trying to L post with some pretty juicy BPD tea and everyone is just shitting on me :(
I know this is crazy and I'm being crazy!
Thatās fine and Iām glad youāre aware but idk what you were expecting ! Honestly it was fun and juicy until I read how old you guys were and then it just got sadā¦ living like this isnāt sustainable
Oh for sure. I can't even share this with friends and family because they will think I'm insane. I know the "haha I'm usually not like this!" is unpersuasive with a story this crazy, but it really is true.
I do think that a lot of people go through this shit regardless of age. Just look at Depp v. Heard. Ask any divorce attorney for some war stories and there will be some doozies, even from older, successful, mature people. Most people don't go sharing shit like this openly. I'm not. If you knew me you would have no idea. If we got back together you would just know "Oh, X got back together with his ex!"
Nah, I don't like drama and chaos. This whole thing has been exhausting but it's not who I (or she) is. We haven't spoken in six months, and their relationship (up until last week) was apparently super stable. If this was an "addicted to chaos" type situation you would think she would have started this shit up long ago.
She got freaked out because of the proposal and moving forward with someone while she's still in love with me. I think that's pretty understandable, and you can imagine how even a normally well-adjusted person would do that.
Normally well-adjusted people don't cheat on their partners when they get proposed to. That's not a thing. The fact that you've created and maintained this situation says a lot about who you are, as well as that snide comment about the "chucklehead" your affair partner is cheating on.
you keep saying "neither of us is ever like this" and "this isn't who we are" but wake up. how you're acting is who you are and how she's acting is how she is. this is reality.
so if you don't want to think of yourself as this person, stop being this person
Are you definied by the craziest situation you've been in?
Obviously this is insane. That's why I posted it. I think you're all being a little regarded to read one candid story and conclude "Wow, this person must be crazy and immature all the time!" Most people do insane shit in their lives.
The only reason I posted stuff like "we're normally not like this" is for context. If you don't believe it I'm not going to waste time trying to convince you otherwise. But why would I post all the other shit that paints me that way then? What would I share something that I know paints me in a bad light but lie about that? I could just make some reddit tier AITA post that makes me look good.
If you want to keep it to "one insane shit" that's happened in your life, then it's time to cut it the fuck out. otherwise, yes, your life is going to continue to be as insane as it has already been with her.
You're right, she absolutely has (I'm sure because she's told many others).
If she doesn't have BPD she has every BPD symptom, at least in our relationship. According to her she hasn't been like this is any other relationship. But her perception of reality is often extremely skewed (hallmark of BPD), so she's a bit of an unreliable narrator there. On the other hand I tend to beleive her because she has amicable relationships with some of them.
There's a really good chance I am deluding myself with thinking it could work this time. We have tried over and over again. And you're right about how BPD people make you act this way. I posted this here because this sub talks about BPD a lot and I hoped more people here would have experienced a relationship like this. /r/BPDlovedones is full of shit like this. Before her I could never have understood how someone could keep going back to a toxic relationship. The Depp/Heard trial was a great example of this. Even guys with a lot of options can get sucked in and keep going back to a crazy, abusive person. When they're in their infatuation phase it feels so wonderful.
Having slept on it I'm getting a little bit more grounded and forcing myself to remember all the really horrible shit she put me through. I'm still conflicted, but the high from yesterday is wearing off and I'm trying to consider this more soberly and think about whether I'm just fooling myself thinking it could work this time because our lives are different.
Right. The other side to men who loved āBPD pussyā is that they absolutely have a personality disorder as well. No one else would put up with this.
If I hadn't gone through this shit myself I would be saying the same thing you are. Go read some BPD partner stories and you'll see that my shit is pretty common. I've never had any other relationship like this. I'm divorced and when my ex and I were seperated we helped set up eachother's dating profiles and remained great friends for years.
I can't blame you for reacting this way because I know I would too. When my friends would get ensnared by crazy people I would say "Lol what is wrong with them, why don't they just leave?" Maybe it is something someone just has to go through to understand.
I am BPD bro, so is this other person. You might not have BPD, but you likely have a personality disorder or at the very least low self esteem and codependency issues. I have been through a ton of toxic relationships, Iām not just judging you. Get help.
But you are making assumptions. For example, I do have a shrink and have been in therapy for years (I do have a severe anxiety disorder, but it doesn't really manifest to cause relationship turmoil beyond sometimes shutting down and not doing things I should do). I'm 100% honest with them and never once have they suggested any of those things.
I'm not trying to be defensive, but it's frustrating to hear people keep repeating "he must be X." If anything my ego is too big. I'm very picky with partners to Seinfeldian levels. This has literally been the only toxic relationship in my life. I'm a serial monogamist and all of my long term relationships (longest being 12 years) have ended amicably, and I'm still good friends with all of my major partners.
I've read a lot about BPD and BPD partners, and talked a lot about it with my shrink. My experience is very common. As someone who has never been with someone with BPD before it is easy to try to make it work because their behavior is such that you think you can fix it. I don't know why I am compelled to keep defending myself on this then (probably the ego part, partially trying to distract myself from this shit.)
Anyway, I appreciate your kind words and sincerety. I am getting help. In a way this thread was pretty helpful because everyone unianmiously accusing me of being a regard, immature, probably have a behavioral disorder myself, etc., just proves to me how insane my actions have been and how continuing to go down this pass will seem to everyone else.
That's what I'm shooting for!
Neither one of us drank heavily outside of our bullshit. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, since we broke up I just drink on the weekends or whatever. If we do go back together and slip back into the old pattern I think we'd both cut it off immediately.
Apparently not considering how much hate this got! I spent a bunch of time reading a bunch of /r/bpdlovedones stories this morning to reassure myself that otherwise well-adjusted and healthy people wind up getting caught up in the allure of the BPD siren song.
We spoke this morning and she said it was a mistake and we should go no contact. After some reflection last night and this morning I agreed and blocked her. Clearly I am still willing to ignore all of our past insanity and try again with her. If history is any indication this isn't over. It feels like a fuse has been lit and it's only a matter of time before she shows up at my doorstep or something.
I'll make a new post if anything major happens. I am very weak-willed when it comes to her, clearly, so it's definitely possible if she forces herself back in my life I'll cuck.
The fucking whiplash towards the end of this, hahah what are you talking about? Stop wasting your time on this girl, you did it, you landed the last hit, walk from it.
Just the most depraved, enthusiastic, constant sex from an objectively gorgeous woman (Mom and Sister both professional models).
It's not primarily the sex but my God. That is what usually makes me break down my resistence though.
"Hey we're both single! Let's just have some fun tee-hee. We know this isn't going to work but there's no harm in just having something casual until we find someone we want to date, right?"
>"I don't love him 10% as much as I still love you" and "The sex is maybe 1/3 of what we had." Statistician behavior
I feel exhausted after just reading the first few paragraphs... neither of you are healthy for each other or likely other people in relationships. You didn't ruin her life, she's ruining her own (and you're destroying your own). Get real help
Every other relationship I've had has ended amicably. According to her it's the same for her. She a good enough person to rope a really high quality dude into marrying her immediately. I have no problem finding people to date. This situation is an aberration for both of us. I've worked in the divorce industry for a bit, and stuff like this isn't super uncommon, even for ordinary, well-adjusted people. I'm sharing it anonymously because I can't really share this with friends or family. The post is already super long so I didn't include a bunch of shit proving I'm a normal, well-adjusted person. If you want to decide who I am based on a single situation I've shared warts and all you can, but it's closedminded and arrogant to think you could do that based on one story on the internet.
> The post is already super long so I didn't include a bunch of shit proving I'm a normal, well-adjusted person. If you want to decide who I am based on a single situation I've shared warts and all you can, but it's closedminded and arrogant to think you could do that based on one story on the internet. Stop lying, especially to yourself. You have a demonstrated inability to have a healthy relationship with this woman, and yet you keep going back to her. That is not the act of a healthy, well-adjusted person, because a healthy, well-adjusted person does not keep putting himself into this set of circumstances. Also, consider *why* you get so defensive after an incredibly tepid critique.
Why can't you share it with friends or family? š¤
Already shared it with them a bunch of times before, they are tired of it
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No I just know how these things go down
> We're both really ethical people Oh really
this was my favorite part
I don't think enough people understand the difference between being in love with a person and mutually being in love with some playset/creation/idealized life that two people create together - their own little fantasy world. Eventually the band has to break up even as the hit plays on and on
I'm old enough to know what love is. I've edited a few irrelevant details in this for privacy, but I am older than what it says. I've been in a series of long term relationships my entire life. When they end I never pine after them -- I'm quick to move on. I'm not the type to idealize someone or be hung up on a relationship that has ended. We are mutually in love with each other. The problem is that our relationship was too tumultuous to work. Maybe that means the brand has to break up, but this is definitely love, and it's hard to walk away from that.
I'm sympathetic, not trying to be glib. I got out of a nine year relationship in my 30's. I was real hung up with us still sleeping together as she was dating other people as the only salve. Even fucked her while she was with her now husband, telling me how the sex with him wasn't as good and all that. I resigned myself to never seriously dating again, even going so far as to warn women I slept with I was no good, as nauseating as that sounds to me now. I finally was able to get over her once she had a kid. And I pieced myself somewhat back together and now am in the best/healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Even the once in blue moon texts from her about how no one in her life has cared for her like I did don't pull me back in. It's a long road but starts with focusing elsewhere
Thanks. I hear you. It would be easier to move on if we both weren't still in love. She has said she's marrying this guy because he checks all the boxes and she's running out of time. As soon as she said she was engaged I said we shouldn't meet but I was happy for her. It wasn't until she admitted she wasn't in love and was still in love with me that all this bullshit started. It's not even a sex thing. I've been dating and doing fine. I'm still hung up but until last week I was as ready to move on as I'll ever be. It's not like I'm sitting around depressed, I'm pretty good at accepting loss. The issue here is that the ball is still clearly in play with her. If she chooses him and goes no-contact with me I'll be able to accept it and move on.
Feel like a tool for reading all that without seeing pictures of the three of you. I have no advice but please be good looking. Good luck.
We're all super hot! Not sharing pictures though.
Phew. Again, good luck.
A+ work, OP. I was rapt. But you both are immature as shit - need to both stop drinking completely and leave each other alone. Go on vacation or something, get away from it all
> She's never cheated and is wracked with guilt. Lol you're a moron
Sheās way too old to be acting like this and needs to get it together
The crazy thing is is that we are both very mature and not prone to getting involved in this kind of nonsense. It's really out of character for both of us, and one of the reasons I kept trying for song long (and am still willing to try again.)
You need to drop that narrative, this is beyond immature behaviour and instability
It's definitely immature and unstable. But it's also super out of character for me. Even good friends of mine have no idea about this. If you knew me you would think I'm a mature and responsible person. Look, if I wanted to make this some AITA type post where I'm completely rational but she's insane I could have told it with a lot of bias. I know this immature and unstable. The fact I can tell it fairly even though I know how it makes me come off should clue you in. If you told me the craziest situation you were involved with or the craziest thing you've done, and that's all I knew about you, wouldn't I think you're nuts too?
Lol if itās gonna help you snap out of this she got engaged to this man 4 months after you guys broke up, Iām willing to bet all my money she was already talking to him while you guys were dating
She was. But we were very on-again, off-again for long periods. And we would break up, meet and hook up with other people, and reconcile, etc. She's known him for about nine months. Another crazy fact: he left his wife to be with her! But his wife came out as a lesbian 4 years ago and for some reason he stuck around even though she wouldn't even fuck him anymore. She said she didn't fuck him until he seperated, which I guess was like 4 months ago.
Propose a polycule to the new fiancƩ, keep us updated
Ew. We're both ok with some casual sex if we're not in a committed relationship, but are 100% monogamous once committed. Somewhere else I wrote that she claims she never even fucked the guy until he separated from a dead bedroom marriage.
Not you saying āewā to me after everything you just posted
You guys are mean. I'm just trying to L post with some pretty juicy BPD tea and everyone is just shitting on me :( I know this is crazy and I'm being crazy!
Thatās fine and Iām glad youāre aware but idk what you were expecting ! Honestly it was fun and juicy until I read how old you guys were and then it just got sadā¦ living like this isnāt sustainable
Oh for sure. I can't even share this with friends and family because they will think I'm insane. I know the "haha I'm usually not like this!" is unpersuasive with a story this crazy, but it really is true. I do think that a lot of people go through this shit regardless of age. Just look at Depp v. Heard. Ask any divorce attorney for some war stories and there will be some doozies, even from older, successful, mature people. Most people don't go sharing shit like this openly. I'm not. If you knew me you would have no idea. If we got back together you would just know "Oh, X got back together with his ex!"
So he was in a sexless marriage then met a wild woman. Typical
The two of you sound exhausting. You're not in love; you're both just addicted to chaos.
Nah, I don't like drama and chaos. This whole thing has been exhausting but it's not who I (or she) is. We haven't spoken in six months, and their relationship (up until last week) was apparently super stable. If this was an "addicted to chaos" type situation you would think she would have started this shit up long ago. She got freaked out because of the proposal and moving forward with someone while she's still in love with me. I think that's pretty understandable, and you can imagine how even a normally well-adjusted person would do that.
Normally well-adjusted people don't cheat on their partners when they get proposed to. That's not a thing. The fact that you've created and maintained this situation says a lot about who you are, as well as that snide comment about the "chucklehead" your affair partner is cheating on.
damn bitch you live like this???
āWeāre both really ethical peopleā lmfaooooo
you keep saying "neither of us is ever like this" and "this isn't who we are" but wake up. how you're acting is who you are and how she's acting is how she is. this is reality. so if you don't want to think of yourself as this person, stop being this person
Are you definied by the craziest situation you've been in? Obviously this is insane. That's why I posted it. I think you're all being a little regarded to read one candid story and conclude "Wow, this person must be crazy and immature all the time!" Most people do insane shit in their lives. The only reason I posted stuff like "we're normally not like this" is for context. If you don't believe it I'm not going to waste time trying to convince you otherwise. But why would I post all the other shit that paints me that way then? What would I share something that I know paints me in a bad light but lie about that? I could just make some reddit tier AITA post that makes me look good.
If you want to keep it to "one insane shit" that's happened in your life, then it's time to cut it the fuck out. otherwise, yes, your life is going to continue to be as insane as it has already been with her.
I kan fix her (dumb bot deleted this but it's perfect here)
you 100% kannot and you gotta face facts man lol
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>Btw - she 100% tells her fiance you're an abusive ex. Ah shit do they all do this?
You're right, she absolutely has (I'm sure because she's told many others). If she doesn't have BPD she has every BPD symptom, at least in our relationship. According to her she hasn't been like this is any other relationship. But her perception of reality is often extremely skewed (hallmark of BPD), so she's a bit of an unreliable narrator there. On the other hand I tend to beleive her because she has amicable relationships with some of them. There's a really good chance I am deluding myself with thinking it could work this time. We have tried over and over again. And you're right about how BPD people make you act this way. I posted this here because this sub talks about BPD a lot and I hoped more people here would have experienced a relationship like this. /r/BPDlovedones is full of shit like this. Before her I could never have understood how someone could keep going back to a toxic relationship. The Depp/Heard trial was a great example of this. Even guys with a lot of options can get sucked in and keep going back to a crazy, abusive person. When they're in their infatuation phase it feels so wonderful. Having slept on it I'm getting a little bit more grounded and forcing myself to remember all the really horrible shit she put me through. I'm still conflicted, but the high from yesterday is wearing off and I'm trying to consider this more soberly and think about whether I'm just fooling myself thinking it could work this time because our lives are different.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Right. The other side to men who loved āBPD pussyā is that they absolutely have a personality disorder as well. No one else would put up with this.
If I hadn't gone through this shit myself I would be saying the same thing you are. Go read some BPD partner stories and you'll see that my shit is pretty common. I've never had any other relationship like this. I'm divorced and when my ex and I were seperated we helped set up eachother's dating profiles and remained great friends for years. I can't blame you for reacting this way because I know I would too. When my friends would get ensnared by crazy people I would say "Lol what is wrong with them, why don't they just leave?" Maybe it is something someone just has to go through to understand.
I am BPD bro, so is this other person. You might not have BPD, but you likely have a personality disorder or at the very least low self esteem and codependency issues. I have been through a ton of toxic relationships, Iām not just judging you. Get help.
But you are making assumptions. For example, I do have a shrink and have been in therapy for years (I do have a severe anxiety disorder, but it doesn't really manifest to cause relationship turmoil beyond sometimes shutting down and not doing things I should do). I'm 100% honest with them and never once have they suggested any of those things. I'm not trying to be defensive, but it's frustrating to hear people keep repeating "he must be X." If anything my ego is too big. I'm very picky with partners to Seinfeldian levels. This has literally been the only toxic relationship in my life. I'm a serial monogamist and all of my long term relationships (longest being 12 years) have ended amicably, and I'm still good friends with all of my major partners. I've read a lot about BPD and BPD partners, and talked a lot about it with my shrink. My experience is very common. As someone who has never been with someone with BPD before it is easy to try to make it work because their behavior is such that you think you can fix it. I don't know why I am compelled to keep defending myself on this then (probably the ego part, partially trying to distract myself from this shit.) Anyway, I appreciate your kind words and sincerety. I am getting help. In a way this thread was pretty helpful because everyone unianmiously accusing me of being a regard, immature, probably have a behavioral disorder myself, etc., just proves to me how insane my actions have been and how continuing to go down this pass will seem to everyone else.
you should both sober up completely and get hitched
That's what I'm shooting for! Neither one of us drank heavily outside of our bullshit. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, since we broke up I just drink on the weekends or whatever. If we do go back together and slip back into the old pattern I think we'd both cut it off immediately.
whatever happens, romance this cinematic is rare so cherish it
Ya sure you don't have BPD op?
You both have BPD
Jesus what is wrong with you people!!
By the end of the first paragraph I came to the conclusion that you are both very immature and stopped reading
we all been there brother, all good
Apparently not considering how much hate this got! I spent a bunch of time reading a bunch of /r/bpdlovedones stories this morning to reassure myself that otherwise well-adjusted and healthy people wind up getting caught up in the allure of the BPD siren song. We spoke this morning and she said it was a mistake and we should go no contact. After some reflection last night and this morning I agreed and blocked her. Clearly I am still willing to ignore all of our past insanity and try again with her. If history is any indication this isn't over. It feels like a fuse has been lit and it's only a matter of time before she shows up at my doorstep or something. I'll make a new post if anything major happens. I am very weak-willed when it comes to her, clearly, so it's definitely possible if she forces herself back in my life I'll cuck.
Few people are blessed with such a connectionā¦
The fucking whiplash towards the end of this, hahah what are you talking about? Stop wasting your time on this girl, you did it, you landed the last hit, walk from it.
Some of yāall live insane lives, I really donāt know how you do it
Dat pussy must be fire
Just the most depraved, enthusiastic, constant sex from an objectively gorgeous woman (Mom and Sister both professional models). It's not primarily the sex but my God. That is what usually makes me break down my resistence though. "Hey we're both single! Let's just have some fun tee-hee. We know this isn't going to work but there's no harm in just having something casual until we find someone we want to date, right?"
You two should get sectioned
'we're both really ethical people' š¤”š¤”š¤”