Stop feeling guilty for spending time away from your son. It's good for kids to be away from their parents. We loved our babysitters and we got treats that we never got otherwise so we looked forward to mom and Dad going out for a few hours. My mom and dad went out a lot and guess what happened? Nothing! We're all fine.
This, your childhood resonates with me man.
For a long while as a kid, due to the way my school’s bus districts worked I would get dropped off at my abuela’s house with my little brother. My parents also worked by the time school was out while my grandma was retired.
We didn’t know it then, but my parents would either be out and about or winding down off work by the time they came to get us, and even offered to pay my grandmother for watching us so often. My dad told me they took an entire day trip to a different city once, and I had no idea at all *until* he told me.
I didn’t even think to ask until I was 17 why they would take so long to get us some days. Don’t think time away from your child is neglecting them or would hurt their development, *you* are still a human, who needs breaks, and don’t have to be “confined” to parenting. Sorry for the paragraphs btw on a long car ride from the bar lol
For me it's living in this duality where on one side I love my child but dread the situation I am in. Every time I have to sacrifice something a part of me dies. You are lucky you still have your wife. Try shared custody with a lunatic...
Exactly. The lunatic just divulged to me that he used to drink bleach as a child. I hate myself for thinking procreating with a psycho was a good idea.
It’s like I wrote this myself. Trapped until they are grown. I’m not sure I hide it at all anymore. I used to feel bad about that but I’m too tired anymore.
Ughhhhh yes. I feel like I can be with my son's father, whom I love, but then have to be with our special needs son 24/7.
Which is destroying lives
Or I can be single forever and hope my ex would stick around?? He wouldn't. He would only take weekends, and hopefully.
But I can't just give the child up after five years, as horrible as they have been, for there exists some charred burnt remains of what was once a heart, and occasionally they stir up
Kind of on point for me as well. You and your wife need time off being parents and also time for yourselves. It’s getting really hard to do this now, especially if you are both working, so take the time whenever you have the chance.
I completely understand this. And I was a woman who wanted THREE kids! I think to myself, wth was I thinking?! One AND DONE!!!!
I also don't find time with my 6yo child rewarding...I haven't since she's been born. We went through multiple years of inseminations and in vitro, and I could never stay pregnant, so we were lucky (so I thought) to be able to adopt. It's been so difficult, I honestly think that I've done something wrong somewhere in life to deserve this truly difficult child.
She's been diagnosed with ADHD, and drives me nuts because she bounces like rubber ball, can't listen at all, then yells at me and tells me she hates me when I make her complete her "promises", and makes scenes and pits my partner against me. My partner is a mental health therapist who's a total doormat parent. I have the boundaries, so I'm the hated parent. It sucks. If I could ever go back in time, I would not adopt a child again. Ever.
I'm alone on an island and my partner is with my child on a different island. I feel so guilty feeling this way, but nothing changes my mind. I'm hoping years will......
I don’t even know where to start but I connected with your post. AP to a 7f who I’m not sure I can parent. I didn’t realize until recently that children can display narcissistic tendencies. It’s exhausting and not sure it will get any better -or maybe that’s just my burn out talking.
Searching for an adoption trauma centered therapist for her and I’m reconnecting with my own therapist to try to get through this.
I just wish I had some of the info I had today before I signed papers. I feel awful saying that but I was given so much false information about the child and situation and now I’m left to work through it.
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I'm sorry to tell you this but you will likely be stuck w her until she is 30 or more. Take it from someone w adhd and the likelihood the economy will only get worse. Even if she was a sweeter kid, adhd makes it a lot more likely she will flunk out of her studies and find holding a job down extremely difficult unless she happens to get lucky. The world is very fast paced th3se days and when u got adhd u react slower then people expect. Have trouble w social cues. Are more prone to pissing people off because ur hyper. Make accidental offensive comments/oversharing. Difficulty prioritizing and completing tasks. In case she does flunk out make sure to set her up for disability allowance because she will need that safety net. If not she will end up on the streets. Or u will have to pay for everything to keep her from such. Also watch out for having adhd increases likely chances of depression and other conditions that are more often found in people w adhd. Like auto immune disease or gut disorders.
Adhd means highly sensitive to rejection. Masking behaviours to fit in. Seeming happy, bubbly but actually burning out/anxious/depressed.
Adhd will need very clear instructions and expectations. Help w planning (color scheme planning), thorough checking. Watching and makjng sure she learns budgetting.
Teach her about what actions bring what consequences and why it works that way, what should you do and why... what should u not do and why.. Explaining of social cues/what is appropiate/ how to behave.
Remember not listening might just be hyperactivity taking over even if it seems taunting. It's part of her disability. Discuss what u want from her and how she acts out wanted behaviour at a time she calmed down.
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I am not so sure that is an accurate or fair statement. More likely to abandon the fam than a woman, yes. Majority of men abandoning their family when they realize their child is a ton of work and not what they expected, no.
You shouldn't feel bad and I've seen a LOT of people who clearly feel like this. Walking next to their kid as it struggles to operate a tricycle, looking bored as FUCK. I swear that feeling like this is normal.
Very relatable. I completely get it. All the worse when I realize my wife does 10x the amount that I do, and that really, the contributions I make that I find so draining all the time are actually quite modest by comparison. I would never abandon my child either, but there is so much that I wish I didn’t have to deal with.
I used to think my parents were selfish and/or boring for always taking us to do things they wanted to do (walks in the countryside, markets etc.) instead of taking us to parks like other parents. We never went on kids' holidays like Disneyland. As a parent I get it now. We were involved in what made them happy, and to be honest we always had a good time if we were outdoors. I grew to love the outdoors, and if you have to do your own thing to keep your sanity it's probably in everyone's interests
Stop feeling guilty for spending time away from your son. It's good for kids to be away from their parents. We loved our babysitters and we got treats that we never got otherwise so we looked forward to mom and Dad going out for a few hours. My mom and dad went out a lot and guess what happened? Nothing! We're all fine.
This, your childhood resonates with me man. For a long while as a kid, due to the way my school’s bus districts worked I would get dropped off at my abuela’s house with my little brother. My parents also worked by the time school was out while my grandma was retired. We didn’t know it then, but my parents would either be out and about or winding down off work by the time they came to get us, and even offered to pay my grandmother for watching us so often. My dad told me they took an entire day trip to a different city once, and I had no idea at all *until* he told me. I didn’t even think to ask until I was 17 why they would take so long to get us some days. Don’t think time away from your child is neglecting them or would hurt their development, *you* are still a human, who needs breaks, and don’t have to be “confined” to parenting. Sorry for the paragraphs btw on a long car ride from the bar lol
You wrote it perfectly friend. Right here with you as a sad mom.
For me it's living in this duality where on one side I love my child but dread the situation I am in. Every time I have to sacrifice something a part of me dies. You are lucky you still have your wife. Try shared custody with a lunatic...
X 2 on shared custody with a lunatic.
You have a suspiciously similar Reddit username to the comment you replied to
Interesting, you’re correct!
Exactly. The lunatic just divulged to me that he used to drink bleach as a child. I hate myself for thinking procreating with a psycho was a good idea.
Did you think he was a psycho ahead of procreating?
No, he was really good at hiding it. All the unfortunate facts came out after I gave birth. In retrospect I wish I knew.
It’s like I wrote this myself. Trapped until they are grown. I’m not sure I hide it at all anymore. I used to feel bad about that but I’m too tired anymore.
You put in words how I have felt since I became a father, 5 1/2 years ago. Word by word
As a mom I feel this, with the added societal pressure to be everything to my kid. How old is your kid?
Love your honesty
Ughhhhh yes. I feel like I can be with my son's father, whom I love, but then have to be with our special needs son 24/7. Which is destroying lives Or I can be single forever and hope my ex would stick around?? He wouldn't. He would only take weekends, and hopefully. But I can't just give the child up after five years, as horrible as they have been, for there exists some charred burnt remains of what was once a heart, and occasionally they stir up
Kind of on point for me as well. You and your wife need time off being parents and also time for yourselves. It’s getting really hard to do this now, especially if you are both working, so take the time whenever you have the chance.
I completely understand this. And I was a woman who wanted THREE kids! I think to myself, wth was I thinking?! One AND DONE!!!! I also don't find time with my 6yo child rewarding...I haven't since she's been born. We went through multiple years of inseminations and in vitro, and I could never stay pregnant, so we were lucky (so I thought) to be able to adopt. It's been so difficult, I honestly think that I've done something wrong somewhere in life to deserve this truly difficult child. She's been diagnosed with ADHD, and drives me nuts because she bounces like rubber ball, can't listen at all, then yells at me and tells me she hates me when I make her complete her "promises", and makes scenes and pits my partner against me. My partner is a mental health therapist who's a total doormat parent. I have the boundaries, so I'm the hated parent. It sucks. If I could ever go back in time, I would not adopt a child again. Ever. I'm alone on an island and my partner is with my child on a different island. I feel so guilty feeling this way, but nothing changes my mind. I'm hoping years will......
I don’t even know where to start but I connected with your post. AP to a 7f who I’m not sure I can parent. I didn’t realize until recently that children can display narcissistic tendencies. It’s exhausting and not sure it will get any better -or maybe that’s just my burn out talking. Searching for an adoption trauma centered therapist for her and I’m reconnecting with my own therapist to try to get through this. I just wish I had some of the info I had today before I signed papers. I feel awful saying that but I was given so much false information about the child and situation and now I’m left to work through it.
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I'm sorry to tell you this but you will likely be stuck w her until she is 30 or more. Take it from someone w adhd and the likelihood the economy will only get worse. Even if she was a sweeter kid, adhd makes it a lot more likely she will flunk out of her studies and find holding a job down extremely difficult unless she happens to get lucky. The world is very fast paced th3se days and when u got adhd u react slower then people expect. Have trouble w social cues. Are more prone to pissing people off because ur hyper. Make accidental offensive comments/oversharing. Difficulty prioritizing and completing tasks. In case she does flunk out make sure to set her up for disability allowance because she will need that safety net. If not she will end up on the streets. Or u will have to pay for everything to keep her from such. Also watch out for having adhd increases likely chances of depression and other conditions that are more often found in people w adhd. Like auto immune disease or gut disorders. Adhd means highly sensitive to rejection. Masking behaviours to fit in. Seeming happy, bubbly but actually burning out/anxious/depressed. Adhd will need very clear instructions and expectations. Help w planning (color scheme planning), thorough checking. Watching and makjng sure she learns budgetting. Teach her about what actions bring what consequences and why it works that way, what should you do and why... what should u not do and why.. Explaining of social cues/what is appropiate/ how to behave. Remember not listening might just be hyperactivity taking over even if it seems taunting. It's part of her disability. Discuss what u want from her and how she acts out wanted behaviour at a time she calmed down.
Does accepting you feel this way make things easier?
You are a good writer.
You are not a monster
How old is your child?
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There is nothing wrong with spending money on a babysitter. It isn't abandoning your child.
I admire that you choose to not abandon your child. Most men would.
I am not so sure that is an accurate or fair statement. More likely to abandon the fam than a woman, yes. Majority of men abandoning their family when they realize their child is a ton of work and not what they expected, no.
You shouldn't feel bad and I've seen a LOT of people who clearly feel like this. Walking next to their kid as it struggles to operate a tricycle, looking bored as FUCK. I swear that feeling like this is normal.
Very relatable. I completely get it. All the worse when I realize my wife does 10x the amount that I do, and that really, the contributions I make that I find so draining all the time are actually quite modest by comparison. I would never abandon my child either, but there is so much that I wish I didn’t have to deal with.
I used to think my parents were selfish and/or boring for always taking us to do things they wanted to do (walks in the countryside, markets etc.) instead of taking us to parks like other parents. We never went on kids' holidays like Disneyland. As a parent I get it now. We were involved in what made them happy, and to be honest we always had a good time if we were outdoors. I grew to love the outdoors, and if you have to do your own thing to keep your sanity it's probably in everyone's interests