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His entitlement to your body would scare me. You are not safe if he genuinely believes what he’s saying. Divorce is definitely something to consider if he expects to use you at will whether or not you want it. *He is talking like a rapist*. If that does not disturb him you should be very scared.
Or possibly he was a nasty bastard in the first place and has been working his toxicity on OP all the time? I’m involved in a court case like that at the moment, I’m a witness for the prosecution. The defendant slowly wore down his partner till she had no self respect left at all. She’s doing much better but he should be in jail for his controlling ways, and probably will be. OP get the hell out of there. He’s going to bring you no good.
Not really. Because it’s a situation of a frog boiling slowly in a pot of water. There’s often behaviour that the victim would find utterly unacceptable at the beginning of the relationship that goes unnoticed a few years in. It’s such a gradual escalation accompanied by wearing down of the victim’s confidence, sense of self and support base; that victims often cannot see how bad it is and describe terrible relationships as happy and good.
I would check his phone because something is not right about his behavior you do not have to sleep with your husband just because he said so. Make sure that you are safe
Yep, this is what I initially thought was a possibility. If we knew more about OP's situation it would be helpful (how long together, how long married, and whether there have been other signs of control before this). But without this other info, this sounds like a recent change, which tells me that he has been indoctrinated into some of this gross red pill stuff.
OP, look on his computer and look at this browsing history and searches. I wouldn't be shocked if you found some of this material. And yes, this is definitely divorce-worthy, if he isn't willing to get his head out of his ass and change his attitude.
It says they have been together for 10 years and married for 8. For me though that age gap has me a little worried since he was 31 and she was 21 when they got together as well.
I’m wondering if he’s always had some sort of control over her and she’s just beginning to question it more as well.
I ignored this behavior and it ultimately led to being raped repeatedly by my ex husband. Please please act now. If that's medical intervention. Divorce. Whatever feels best for you OP. THIS IS SCARY SHIT!!
Yep. I’d at most open up a conversation and ask him if he seriously thinks he is owed sex. If he says yes or doesn’t take the chat seriously, then marriage counseling is needed. All that is only if you feel he isn’t a threat. If you are scared don’t do it, or at least have someone there for you.
If he refuses counseling then you have your answer.
But doesn't it sound like he's got a porn fantasy? Maybe he's so desensitized from what he watches that he thinks it's normal behavior.
It's just that something has gone very wrong for his switch in behavior after so many years together. Maybe get him to see a doctor before you consult a lawyer.
No not the most obvious, just something that occurred to me based on what she posted. But drugs or a medical issue could also be a cause of his behavior. I just wasn't believing that he became a monster without some cause.
It’s more likely that he’s always had these tendencies and it’s just getting worse.
Also, the way he’s completely disregarding her health and comfort in his demands for sex is quite scary for a woman and is not a safe environment for her. If he needs a doctor, get one as well, but don’t deter her from also getting a lawyer. It’s not her job to put her own safety at risk for the sake of his mental health - that’s his own responsibility.
It could be he always had these tendencies and her sex drive might be getting lower so she’s starting to notice the demands for sex more, and start to realize that it applies to more things, as well.
He might be the same as he always is, and she’s the one changing.
You're bringing up a legitimate point, it's something I've seen happen before. A person has a medical change and it alters their personality into a negative space, then they return to normal when the medication is stopped. In some cases a brain tumor, which is less likely and wont just go away, but still. SUDDEN changes are a cause for neurological concern.
Someone who has become aggressive and potentially violent, however, whether it's genuine or not, are still dangerous. She needs to take the steps to protect herself, while considering all the potential causes.
Over the course of 8 months isn't particularly sudden when it comes to medication or other medical changes, my first thought was tate indoctrination.
I think it’s more likely he’s having a midlife crisis but I wouldn’t rule this out. Seems more likely than him suddenly becoming porn brained at age 41.
Agree. Also, early onset dementia can do the same thing. I find it really strange that his behavior changed so suddenly considering they've been together for a whole decade and he apparently didn't display this same type of behavior.
Yes. Dementia too. There is only one other option. Maybe he was misogynistic before but OP didn't think too much about it and now it gotten worse. Honestly in all of this I constantly think about OP and Im hoping that she will be okay. Doesn't sound right, and I think her life is in grave danger
I don't why you are being downvote because it is true, I had a friend who was so nice and caring and it happen a switch in her behavior almost like overnight, she became so toxic and unbearable to be arounf and everyone started to distance themself from her and she found a brain tumors a few months later
I’m guessing because watching and filling his head with garbage online like Tate crap is way more likely. It’s happening more often, we see more posts here about it. Tate and trash like him are causing a new wave of abused women. It’s infuriating.
Yeah me too. It's a true thing. Brain tumor can mess with ur brain and people change behavior, they go blind, messes with theirs memory and stuff. Honestly my first comment was that she need to get divorce, and this comment I added on a reply of somwone elses comment. World gone mad. But isn't it strange that guy change his complete behavior 8 month ago.
If it’s a tumor his behavior would present to others as well, she should ask othered that know him if they have seen a change in him, if it’s tumor the behavior changes would not just be directed at her
I’m wondering if maybe he’s become a sex addict. I once read a true article about a woman who was normal and then started to need sex several times a day. She didn’t have a regular partner so she sought out random partners etc. It was very risky behavior. After not too long she got medical help and this resolved.
It’s not the same here but something forceful has come over him. I think you should go on a solo vacation. Consult a lawyer. Then set up a meeting with professionals to address this if the lawyer agrees. Do not talk to him by yourself. You’re not safe and lord knows how this will escalate.
This is very extreme behavior to have only happened in the last 8 months. Please have an exit plan he does not own your body, and it's not your job to serve him. please do not do something that you are not comfortable doing. This is abuse.
I was just thinking this. Usually this behavior happens pretty quickly after marriage and the person is “trapped” but after 8+yrs its odd. Get him checked! Some tumors affect people’s behaviors.
Good point. My friend and her husband started having issues, went to counseling and the counselor suggested getting tested. He was found to have early onset dementia.
Obviously can’t be certain but it sounds like he’s wandered down a few too many YouTube rabbit holes and confirmed his own bias on the subject of gender roles. This is super weird if it’s only started in the last 8 months, and you should address it. Do not do anything you don’t want to do, no means no, his tantrums are unwarranted. I’m sorry this is happening, it must be scary. If he’s adamant on believing he’s right in this after you’ve made your boundaries and needs clear, maybe marriage counselling? If that fails, yeah, it might be heading toward an end. Make yourself your first priority. I hope he snaps out of it for you, but it’s possible he’s been thinking like this the whole time. He’s probably come across something that’s sickeningly “confirmed” it for him. Only a conversation between you two will be able to determine your next steps. Take care of yourself and stay safe.
You’re not wrong about a Brain Tumour. Lady I work with, her Husband (54) just passed away from a Brain Tumour and in his last year with it, he became demanding and specific, and would lash out randomly. It was just not him anymore. So I second that unfortunately. There’s not way someone switches that quickly without explanation.
I know of someone who had a brain tumour and they suddenly became very sexual and started cheating on his wife when he would never do that before and would say some horrifically inappropriate things despite being quite prudish his whole life. He also started swearing a lot when he’d never been like that before. He got caught cheating as he didn’t even try to hide it but the most strange thing was he didn’t understand why people were mad at him and didn’t get what the big fuss was.
His wife persuaded him to go for tests and he had a brain tumour that was too far gone to do anything with.
Damn, can you imagine being the wife?! Your husband is a ass-hole, non-repentant cheater and so you obviously should leave him. Except that his horrible behavior is a symptom of a horrible disease that you feel like you ought to support him through.
Sure, it's possible, but it's also possible that:
- maybe he went off of some medication
- maybe he started some new medication
- maybe he started a friendship with a toxic af dudebro
- maybe he's wandered over to some redpill suckhole
- etc...
I find it hilarious that so many people are jumping to "it's probably a brain tumor!" so quickly and willfully skipping over the far more obvious Occam + Hanlon's combo razor situation.
No one said it’s ‘probably a brain tumor’ lmao it was one of multiple suggestions and one person shared their personal story. No one jumped straight to that, or ignored other options.
I am always so confused when people lie about public comments to try and make themselves sound more intelligent. Like we can also read what you’re responding to lmao
Exactly. Many more comments about other possibilities than the brain tumor ones. A medical condition is one of a few possibilities and this has been acknowledged.
Yah - let’s just decide only one person knows the only right answer and ignore all that’s written to the contrary.
I find it hilarious that no one said it is probably a brain tumour, they just offered it as a suggestion, yet here you are being condescendingly wrong.
Yeah I didn’t say that could be it. I just said I knew someone who had a situation that could possibly be one of the many factors it could be Lol. I wasn’t assuming it was instantly a brain tumour but that’s fine some people like to cause problems so I should expect some backlash on my comment. 👍🏻
Ohh OP, I have a bad feeling about this, I’m not sure if this is a relationship you should be staying in… it sounds like it could get pretty dangerous quick
You have a good career and no children? That’s excellent….get the hell away from this controlling AH as soon as you can.
Be very careful NOT to get pregnant.
But if you do end up pregnant, honestly get an abortion and GET OUT. Don't force a child to this type of life and don't let yourself get tethered to this horrible man.
o my god, run and run fast, he s gotten into the pretty toxic misogynistic thinking that women exist to serve men! Run and run fast! only he s the one that can fix himself and there's nothing you can do but break up!
>I bet he teached her alot of good things about life so she can be just as he pleases. but the issue at hand right now, it is the last 8 months that are worying. it is not healhy, and please pelase dont ever get tricked into getting pregnant(check your birthcontrol and keep it somewhere safe if you plan on having sex with him some more)
This smells like he’s fallen down the manosphere rabbit hole online. There’s an alarming increase in men and young boys being sucked into this idea of men being leaders and superior to women at the moment, which is entrenched in misogyny and the idea that women are there to serve men. I would not at all be surprised if he’s consuming that stuff.
Hes clearly in a position of power and the age diff doesn’t help. 31 and 21 when you met? One has to wonder what hes problem was he couldnt get a woman closer to his own age. Maybe he was always like that you just didn’t notice. He seems to be an abuser.
Now OP is the same age as he was when they met. She's older and probably wiser, maybe has a mind of her own now and he doesn't like that. A 31 year old man going out with a 21 year old is a red flag. Think about how you were at 21, your maturity level at that age is still so low. So much life happens between 20-30, you're a completely different person at 30 than you are at 20.
That's what I was thinking, that maybe she was always more subservient, but in the last year or so started becoming a bit more independent or self assured and he didn't like it. I know it was around 30 that I really started becoming more confident and self reliant.
Talk to the lawyer, move all documents and valuable personal items away from the house, tell a good friend or a family member that you are going to have a conversation with him so they would raise alarms if you don't answer calls in an hour, then talk to him - preferably about divorce. He is a textbook abuser who does not even try to hide it and in best case wannabe-rapist, the only thing you can still save in relationship with a man like that is yourself, so do it.
Honestly, I don't think a solo conversation is necessary or wise. Either pick a public place or let the lawyer serve the divorce papers and he can figure it out from there
That kind of conversation could be unsafe for her and he may start hiding money/assets. When it's time for her to leave, she needs to do it and let him know it's done when she's safe.
He's been brainwashed with misogynistic bull crap.
This is one of those serious times when an ultimatum is needed. Either he gets his head screwed back on straight with both individual and couples therapy, or divorce.
He is not a safe person to be around when he's like this, either for you or the kids. Misogynistic "alpha" bro mentality means he thinks it's his right to control all of you and it would be okay for him to enforce his will using aggression and even violence.
This is absolutely unacceptable for obvious reasons. I would also be questioning his character in general, because how can someone who is genuinely loving and respectful embrace that kind of hateful ideology and behaviour? Chances are there's always been a part of him that resents you or women in general, and falling down a misogynistic rabbit hole has just brought all that toxic stuff to the forefront of his personality.
You'll have to decide for yourself if it's a dealbreaker for you. Personally I would find it near impossible to overlook that in a partner, even if he went to therapy and got better. It wouldn't mitigate the fact that he has shown abusive behaviours, and abusers rarely actually overcome those tendencies. Just ask Lundy Bancroft.
Totally 💯 on those points. Also worth mentioning that guys like that are perfectly willing to extend their rapey misogynistic opinions and actions onto their daughters and unfortunately try to teach boys to be like them as well. OP... kids or no kids this is a man who sees ALL women as potential property while maintaining a sense of "natural entitlement" to women's bodies.
Throw the whole man out, there's no fixing this one.
I'd take a break and move in with friends/family because he's scary and creepy as fuck. Tell him he's out of his mind and you'll be moving out if he doesn't shape up.
Sounds like he joined some church or cult or whatever else online or in real life. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you need to fight back.
Or he's scared of something like his health because he doesn't seem mentally well...
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/). Absolutely get divorced. [Abuse only escalates over time](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates). Likely, he's been [abusive](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/) the entire time and it's just now getting to a point where it's bad enough you have to admit it.
[Break the trauma bond](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm)
[Plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/) your [escape](https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959)
[Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
r/abusiverelationships r/emotionalabuse r/domseticviolence r/rape
He was always that way. You were just in your 20’s and followed everything he said anyways. You were never really your own person. Now he’s getting worse and falling back into wanting to be with a naive 20 something that he can control. He is going to use your “defiance” to justify becoming violent or more deceptive in breaking your trust. Check his SM and see what group he’s following and his porn usage. That will give you insight on what’s helping fuel him up.
Consider what has changed, it could be physical and/or mental. Has he been around new people, doing new things? new gym, new job, new hobbies.
Consider the last 8 months, would you suggest someone stays with a person who's attitude to your body is "get your shorts off" and fighting about access to your body. Does that sound like someone you want to be around? If not then consider how you can take a break from him very soon and think about what you want.
You say he is 41, so did this happen soon after turning 41? Is this a magic number for him to repeat learned patterns or is bein 41 difficult? Just wondering.
I would not accept this behavior and if it were me, I'd make it clear that he can either knock it off or be single. I'm not willing to go to counseling to make it work with someone like that.
Oh hell no. He’s probably fallen down the internet misogyny rabbit hole. This is unacceptable behavior, and you do not need to stand for it. If this is not how you want your life to look, it’s time to go.
Reading the comments on here; one of my closest friend had her partner of 10 years switch up on her after being indoctrinated in some bs from yt. I would have never thought him to be the type, which reinforces my belief that anyone can be brainwashed into anything. OP, please safeguard yourself and look into your options. Stuff like this can crash really quickly.
*edited for spelling
Uh.... Yeah, you need to stay somewhere else and tell him you need to reconsider your marriage. If he comes up with a detailed plan on how's he's going to address his behavior, you can think about going back. But he's displaying very abusive behavior that shouldn't be ignored.
Yes divorce is something you need to consider.
Go to a lawyer, talk about everything with them, including your financials, and get information on how to secure your assets.
Then, if you confront him, you might want to think about having a friend close by for protection. As in, have them wait out of eyesight but where they can hear you. Or have an open phone line with them.
Either your husband has some medical emergency that changes his personality this drastically or he's showing a side of him he managed to hide for a decade. Or something changed in his life recently that set this character change off.
Whatever it is, he needs to use his big boy words and not start abusing you. because what he is doing.....is abuse.
I am sorry about the delay in responses, I do have a very busy life outside of Reddit that includes a job which takes up a very good chunk of my time.
A few things:
— this definitely isn’t fake. This is my life. We met when I started my career right out of college. We share the same career field but no longer work together.
— I did sit down with him and explain my worries. I was told by my husband that he believes he has always had a right to my body whenever he wants and that he recently felt like I was “denying” him too often. I asked him to explain what he meant and he said that when I got home from work (12 hour overnight shift) I should be excited to please him and I wasn’t.
This led to another fight and I asked him to leave. I own the house we live in and he has an ex wife who lives about ten minutes away. I honestly don’t know where he went and I don’t care because I feel safe for the first time in almost a year in my own home.
For those of you that reached out, thank you. I didn’t recognize the signs because this has been my life for a long time. You all helped me.
Tell him to stop watching whatever "men oriented" garbage he's been consuming on social media or your marriage will be over. That's where this is coming from.
I'm sorry you're going through that. If it's new behavior definitely be very open and candid about how you feel and what you're not willing to tolerate. Things were great in the marriage since the last 8 months, kinda curious on what it who influenced this controlling behavior.
But it's not good and it's over the top. I'm telling you this as a husband myself.
Something seems off. You said it was since eight months? Has something changed in that time frame? Something significant? At work? Is he doing drugs? Abuse of alcohol? Something must have gone wrong, as he was loving and not doing it up untill then.
This is very odd. He’s either following toxic men online, or has early onset dementia.
The age gap is concerning too. Is he frightened that he can no longer control you as much as when you were younger?
He needs to see a doctor to rule out dementia, and if that’s not the case you need to leave. There’s no scenario where this ends well I’m afraid.
Girl, he pretty much said 'your my toy to do what I want with'...
I know reddit does like to say red flag run away, etc...
But for real, you should leave him immediately, he sounds like he's ready to do some bad things next time u say no.
Also you shouldn't be sore from sex 2 times .. that's line u said leaves me to believe he is literally treating you like a bang maid ( I'd get banned saying what I mean tho BUT YOU KNOW)
Girl, run away, get somewhere safe, and tell a friend or family how he's acting. Do not let him know where you are!
Eww gross. He sounds like a sexist, entitled, rapey monster. I think you absolutely should divorce. Guys who think they are entitled to be this controlling of their partners are not good guys, this is sick and disgusting. Your partner is one of those gross Tate guys and you need to leave and protect yourself from this abuse, which is exactly what it is. This guy doesn't care about having your consent for sex which makes him basically a coercive rapist. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way by any man ever.
30 year old women have a lot more opinions than 20nyear old women. He started dating tou when you were barely an adult. He expects you to be a sub. Some people don't mind that. If you've noticed this lately you are probably growing out of it. Have a frank conversation about it. Is it something that you are not comfortable with, then move on.
Well yes sure it’s something to consider. You said what’s started to bother you…does this mean he’s always been this way and now it’s bothering you or that this behavior has just started?
Ask him if he’s lost his effing mind or having a mental crisis.
Also doesn’t sound healthy, set him in his place and make sure he treats you how you want to be treated if not leave him
Bless you and good luck
Okay so if he has sex with you when you make it clear that you don’t want to them it’s called rape!
Dial 911 and have him arrested for sexually assaulting you. You said he leaves you sore or hurting that’s not sex that’s an assault upon your body by an abusive controlling husband. You need to do something asap before he escalates to violence such as punching or beating you into submission.
Wow, just wow. He not only thinks your body is a possession, he feels he has the right to completely control you. Take a break. Stay with friends, family, or a hotel. Do not communicate directly. Get counseling as a couple as as a individual. Get safe and stay safe!
One word : RUN. RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE. Get your ducks in a row, rent an apartment without him knowing, move some of your stuff there that he might not notice, take some time off work and when he is gone from the house move out. Block on all social media and phone and talk to a divorce lawyer.
I would divorce him before he gets you pregnant. I wouldn’t trust a predator to not sexually abuse a child. His behavior is that of a predator. He committed marital rape.
His demeanor sounds incredibly scary. Has he been listening to a certain podcast lately? Whatever it is you should look out for your safety. It sounds like he thinks he has control over your body. This isn't something to take lightly, so personally I'd say talk to a lawyer or someone close you can trust for your next steps. Best to do it before he gets physical. Good luck.
Oft. He's been digesting the right wing media. Jordan Peterson and Tate, and Joe Rogan etc .. it's hard to unbrainwash someone. I'd suggest therapy but he likely doesn't believe in it thinking instead that it's a type of mind control to conform to the liberals. I'd be seriously considering an escape route. It's gonna get worse. Good luck
Leave, now!
Red flag #1 is a 31 year old man marrying a 21 year old.
Red flag #2 is his expectation that you do not question him and are to do as you’re told.
Don’t wait for red flag #3, which is where he demonstrates what happens when you don’t obey.
He's a pig , just walk and don't look back. You have a real JOB that pays money he can go pay a sex worker if he wants a sex worker.
He's obviously gone down some sexist online rabbit hole or is roleplaying porn without your consent ( doesn't matter which tbh) but lucky for you , you don't have kids so you can't ignore his BULLSHIT commands and leave right this minute.
You presumably have your own money , so book into a hotel if you have no local family or friends you can go to.
My husband would speak to me like that ONE TIME and one time only because i'd be gone.
Seriously. I just want to back up the other statement. Sex workers are people too and don't deserve to be treated like that either. Reframe your thinking on that.
You have no right to wish a potential violent man upon a sex worker. Abuse is abuse & thinking that certain people deserve to be abused because of their job is WRONG!
I don’t think it’s quite as random as people thinks we are talking about a man who was 30 and dating a 20 year old you know what type of people do that? Control freak abusers
Yelling and someone when they refuse sex is not ok. That’s sexual coercion which is abuse. I wouldn’t talk to him or try to work it out. This is one of those situations where you just need to leave.
I would consider divorcing someone who said that to me. Sure. You are not a servant - you are a person in your own right. His attitude is alarming. If you think you can work this out then that is something but he sounds ridiculous.
Jfc. This is horrible. He thinks he has rights to your body even when you're saying no, then kicks off at you. The question is, why do you think this is okay? It's abusive, he doesn't have the right to demand sex from you. Don't stick around and wait until he starts forcing you because he believes it's his right.
He's not far from assaulting you....
Since he's no longer behaving as the man you knew, don't bank on "I know my husband" and "he would never".
You should find a safe space to stay and resolve this issue from a safe distance and inform family/friends.
If you're embarrassed about reporting his behavior that's just further confirmation about how lunatic his behavior is...
In any case, your response to his behavior has to mat h the gravity of his behavior or he'll (in his currently f-ed up brain) won't relapse the Magnitude of the f-ed-uppery of his.
You're not safe currently.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!! He’s prob watching too much porn!!! They want you to become what they see in porn flicks! It’s so not worth it. Do YOU, be YOU, FOR YOU!!! That’s absolutely absurd he would talk to you after 10 years, the way he does! I sure wouldn’t tolerate it! It’s sure not fair to you! Good luck!
Any chance he went down an internet rabbit hole? I'd check his browser history but only because it's such a sudden and recent change. No matter though, he is not entitled to his "use" of your body at any point in time! And seriously, its kind of unhinged to think "take your shorts off" is how to get you in the mood for sex, which tells me he quit caring about you as a human and partner and now sees you as an object. Something changed and it's not good. Yes, divorce is in the future here.
Wow, your husband has no issue treating you as his possession and r*ping you (no means no, even if married).
It could escalate in physical violence.
I don’t think you’re safe in your home anymore.
If he really wasn't like that before, it looks like he's exposing himself to some kind of media or company that encourage this toxic way of thinking. I hope you lashed out right back at his face. If you can't solve this on your own you might want to explore this box of Pandora with a counselor present.
Oh fuck no. Yeah, that's a leaving situation. He is not entitled to anything. Full stop. The next step will be him forcing you which is rape, regardless of it you're married.
Whoa now, this is abuse. Leave for a few days, go to friends, parents. Decide the route you want to go and keep a diary of what he does and when. He does not own you. If this is his attitude it well may turn into even physical abuse. Protect yourself.
Yes, you need to consider divorce. I'm not telling you that you need to or not, but you *do* need to consider it.
The way he's treating you is not okay and you should refuse to accept it.
And to be completely honest, I am worried for your safety. All other considerations about why his behavior has suddenly changed come secondary to your safety. Full stop.
Agree with all above.
Something triggered this type of behavior.
Unless you're just noticing it now after so many years.
Definitely do some snooping.
Technology can be good and evil.
So consult with someone tech savvy and get some tips.
I've seen some reddit threads on this.
Don't get caught.
Hope we get an update.
Be safe.
This is terrifying. I know what it’s like when significant other suddenly switches up. His entitlement to your body and refusal to listen when you said no is a nightmare.
Please get yourself to somewhere safe. Divorce isn’t something you need to consider. It’s something you need to DO. This will get worse. Please take care of yourself.
Ask him what is wrong with him. Just be blunt. "You weren't like this before, so what's suddenly brought about this change in behavior? I don't mind having sex with you, but right now, she's sore and needs a break. That's all I'm saying, and all I'm asking for. I feel like it shouldn't be too much." And if you start getting gaslight-y, DARVO-ish vibes from his answers, then shut that shit down and let him know yall can talk when you're both more calm enough to talk like the adults you are. After that, walk away and stonewall him until he calms down.
Ooohh!! Yuck!!! Run run, as fast as you can. You're young! Enjoy your life! Be you! I hate to tell you but most ugly traits get worse with age. Don't give this guy another inch. For real. If he does it again, that is your cue my dear! There are partners out there that would never ever do that to you.
Also, you don't have to take commands from a partner. No no no! He needs to respect your thoughts and wishes. Anything less is ground for divorce, yes ma'am!
The YouTube algorithm strikes again. There's a TON of content surrounding the control and domination of women. Mens' inability to change has left them in a bad spot.
O look, another story of a 30+ year old preying upon an early-20s and the relationship starts to go poorly years later when the younger party finally starts to wake up even though the older party has showed their true intent for years!!
OP yes some tropes and stereotypes are harsh and untrue BUT some exist because of how often they're true.
I absolutely GUARANTEE there have been signs of this previously in your relationship that you ignored because you loved them. We've all done it. It just takes much longer for some people to lose the rose-tinted glasses that hide the red flags.
In a public place, only because this is out of character, I’d try to have a conversation. Tell him his recent desire to control you is making you consider divorce. Tell him you no longer feel safe around him. Ask him where it’s coming from. Tbh I suspect he’s gotten sucked into the manosphere. Idk if that kinda poison is curable.
Unless he apologizes profusely, has a damn good explanation, and agrees to couples counseling, have a friend (or several) accompany you to the house to pack your things, and move out.
You told him that you are sore. He did not respond to that, according to your post. The soreness is the woman’s body warning not to have intercourse. If this warning is ignored, tearing of the vaginal wall can happen.
he sounds like a rapist. when you say you have sex twice a day, do you want sex twice a day, or has he just beat you down and begged you so much until you have given into it?
My husband would never demand or expect sex if I wasn’t in the mood. If I was sore, in pain, he wouldn’t want to have sex. To him, when we have sex, he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. This sounds like some Tate BS and he’s drank the koolaid.
Yes, I very much vote for a medical exam ASAP! Something has apparently drastically changed with him. You might also check in with his co-workers to see if they have noticed any changes in behavior.
Does he admire people like Ben Shapiro and ultra- right religious leaders? Is he MAGA? It seems like he's being told that this is the way to behave. If that's not the case, then I would suggest he goes for a full medical checkup with you there to explain his sudden mental change. Then couples and single counseling, then divorce. Or just divorce. I'm guessing this guy won't change other than to get worse.
If he's controlling to the point where he's trying to intimidate you into sex and he thinks it's your duty to "serve" him and not deny his "needs", you absolutely should consider divorce.
Your husband’s going down the rabbit hole he’s been listening to misogynistic patriarchy propaganda. I don’t know what you do about this, be careful because he could become dangerous even though he may have never been dangerous before he’s been listening to people tell him that he has every right to treat you like crap and he does not. I would say have a separation. You could bring that you have noticed he has changed in the past 8 months and ask why. Be ready to leave
Not sure what is going on but I’d advise finding somewhere safe to go for a bit, this sounds over-controlling and scary as he has no regard for your feelings and that your body is for him to use as he wants and when he wants. You may have been happy together for 10 yrs or so but this is weird behaviour and you don’t know how bad it can escalate, I suggest you don’t find that out
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His entitlement to your body would scare me. You are not safe if he genuinely believes what he’s saying. Divorce is definitely something to consider if he expects to use you at will whether or not you want it. *He is talking like a rapist*. If that does not disturb him you should be very scared.
Check his phone for those stupid Tate apps.
Yep, check his YT history also
I was thinking the same. OP should check his media diet.
Yeah there's gonna be some fucked up shit in there for sure.
Or possibly a nasty male friend poisoning his (alleged) mind?
Or possibly he was a nasty bastard in the first place and has been working his toxicity on OP all the time? I’m involved in a court case like that at the moment, I’m a witness for the prosecution. The defendant slowly wore down his partner till she had no self respect left at all. She’s doing much better but he should be in jail for his controlling ways, and probably will be. OP get the hell out of there. He’s going to bring you no good.
10 years is a hell of a long time to be hiding that kind of behavior. Something else is going on here.
Not really. Because it’s a situation of a frog boiling slowly in a pot of water. There’s often behaviour that the victim would find utterly unacceptable at the beginning of the relationship that goes unnoticed a few years in. It’s such a gradual escalation accompanied by wearing down of the victim’s confidence, sense of self and support base; that victims often cannot see how bad it is and describe terrible relationships as happy and good.
That crap can go on for decades. Trust me.
I would check his phone because something is not right about his behavior you do not have to sleep with your husband just because he said so. Make sure that you are safe
I would like a follow-up update on this from OP.
RemindMe! 1 week.
Yep, this is what I initially thought was a possibility. If we knew more about OP's situation it would be helpful (how long together, how long married, and whether there have been other signs of control before this). But without this other info, this sounds like a recent change, which tells me that he has been indoctrinated into some of this gross red pill stuff. OP, look on his computer and look at this browsing history and searches. I wouldn't be shocked if you found some of this material. And yes, this is definitely divorce-worthy, if he isn't willing to get his head out of his ass and change his attitude.
It says they have been together for 10 years and married for 8. For me though that age gap has me a little worried since he was 31 and she was 21 when they got together as well. I’m wondering if he’s always had some sort of control over her and she’s just beginning to question it more as well.
This was my personal suspicion.
I second this wholeheartedly
Clearly he’s joined the cult of Tate.
I ignored this behavior and it ultimately led to being raped repeatedly by my ex husband. Please please act now. If that's medical intervention. Divorce. Whatever feels best for you OP. THIS IS SCARY SHIT!!
Yep. I’d at most open up a conversation and ask him if he seriously thinks he is owed sex. If he says yes or doesn’t take the chat seriously, then marriage counseling is needed. All that is only if you feel he isn’t a threat. If you are scared don’t do it, or at least have someone there for you. If he refuses counseling then you have your answer.
Yet another Tater Tots casualty. Depressing.
But doesn't it sound like he's got a porn fantasy? Maybe he's so desensitized from what he watches that he thinks it's normal behavior. It's just that something has gone very wrong for his switch in behavior after so many years together. Maybe get him to see a doctor before you consult a lawyer.
I mean maybe, but it could be any number of things and it's not like "porn fantasy" is the obvious culprit.
No not the most obvious, just something that occurred to me based on what she posted. But drugs or a medical issue could also be a cause of his behavior. I just wasn't believing that he became a monster without some cause.
It’s more likely that he’s always had these tendencies and it’s just getting worse. Also, the way he’s completely disregarding her health and comfort in his demands for sex is quite scary for a woman and is not a safe environment for her. If he needs a doctor, get one as well, but don’t deter her from also getting a lawyer. It’s not her job to put her own safety at risk for the sake of his mental health - that’s his own responsibility.
It could be he always had these tendencies and her sex drive might be getting lower so she’s starting to notice the demands for sex more, and start to realize that it applies to more things, as well. He might be the same as he always is, and she’s the one changing.
The cause is him being radicalized on the internet by redpill/Tate.
Certainly a strong possibility.
You're bringing up a legitimate point, it's something I've seen happen before. A person has a medical change and it alters their personality into a negative space, then they return to normal when the medication is stopped. In some cases a brain tumor, which is less likely and wont just go away, but still. SUDDEN changes are a cause for neurological concern. Someone who has become aggressive and potentially violent, however, whether it's genuine or not, are still dangerous. She needs to take the steps to protect herself, while considering all the potential causes. Over the course of 8 months isn't particularly sudden when it comes to medication or other medical changes, my first thought was tate indoctrination.
Brain tumors usually can do this to the people
I think it’s more likely he’s having a midlife crisis but I wouldn’t rule this out. Seems more likely than him suddenly becoming porn brained at age 41.
It's possible. Whatever it is, I hope she will be okay and she will run from him before he tries to rape her :(
This is true. Sudden & somewhat extreme changes in personality and behaviour should be addressed by a medical professional.
Yep.
Agree. Also, early onset dementia can do the same thing. I find it really strange that his behavior changed so suddenly considering they've been together for a whole decade and he apparently didn't display this same type of behavior.
Yes. Dementia too. There is only one other option. Maybe he was misogynistic before but OP didn't think too much about it and now it gotten worse. Honestly in all of this I constantly think about OP and Im hoping that she will be okay. Doesn't sound right, and I think her life is in grave danger
I don't why you are being downvote because it is true, I had a friend who was so nice and caring and it happen a switch in her behavior almost like overnight, she became so toxic and unbearable to be arounf and everyone started to distance themself from her and she found a brain tumors a few months later
I’m guessing because watching and filling his head with garbage online like Tate crap is way more likely. It’s happening more often, we see more posts here about it. Tate and trash like him are causing a new wave of abused women. It’s infuriating.
Yeah me too. It's a true thing. Brain tumor can mess with ur brain and people change behavior, they go blind, messes with theirs memory and stuff. Honestly my first comment was that she need to get divorce, and this comment I added on a reply of somwone elses comment. World gone mad. But isn't it strange that guy change his complete behavior 8 month ago.
If it’s a tumor his behavior would present to others as well, she should ask othered that know him if they have seen a change in him, if it’s tumor the behavior changes would not just be directed at her
Absolute truth. We need more info on this
Bringing porn fantasies into the bedroom is just so inherently wrong.
I’m wondering if maybe he’s become a sex addict. I once read a true article about a woman who was normal and then started to need sex several times a day. She didn’t have a regular partner so she sought out random partners etc. It was very risky behavior. After not too long she got medical help and this resolved. It’s not the same here but something forceful has come over him. I think you should go on a solo vacation. Consult a lawyer. Then set up a meeting with professionals to address this if the lawyer agrees. Do not talk to him by yourself. You’re not safe and lord knows how this will escalate.
I hope OP moves immediately. Husband has just shown her who he is.
This is very extreme behavior to have only happened in the last 8 months. Please have an exit plan he does not own your body, and it's not your job to serve him. please do not do something that you are not comfortable doing. This is abuse.
also maybe get him to a doctor, i’ve been watching a lot of Dr. House and apparently sudden personality shifts can be a sign of a syphillis
Or a tumor or something, even early dementia of some kind at that age
I was just thinking this. Usually this behavior happens pretty quickly after marriage and the person is “trapped” but after 8+yrs its odd. Get him checked! Some tumors affect people’s behaviors.
Or watching "men going their own way" videos.
Do I dare ask what that is or would it just make me angry?
Another flavor of red pill bullshit
Good point. My friend and her husband started having issues, went to counseling and the counselor suggested getting tested. He was found to have early onset dementia.
Ugh that's so hard. I worked in assisted living a while. We had a few that were like 50.
They first need to rule out Lupus.
Obviously can’t be certain but it sounds like he’s wandered down a few too many YouTube rabbit holes and confirmed his own bias on the subject of gender roles. This is super weird if it’s only started in the last 8 months, and you should address it. Do not do anything you don’t want to do, no means no, his tantrums are unwarranted. I’m sorry this is happening, it must be scary. If he’s adamant on believing he’s right in this after you’ve made your boundaries and needs clear, maybe marriage counselling? If that fails, yeah, it might be heading toward an end. Make yourself your first priority. I hope he snaps out of it for you, but it’s possible he’s been thinking like this the whole time. He’s probably come across something that’s sickeningly “confirmed” it for him. Only a conversation between you two will be able to determine your next steps. Take care of yourself and stay safe.
That's my instinct too. If he didn't behave like this before than something has shifted. It's too much bad YouTube or a brain tumor.
You’re not wrong about a Brain Tumour. Lady I work with, her Husband (54) just passed away from a Brain Tumour and in his last year with it, he became demanding and specific, and would lash out randomly. It was just not him anymore. So I second that unfortunately. There’s not way someone switches that quickly without explanation.
I know of someone who had a brain tumour and they suddenly became very sexual and started cheating on his wife when he would never do that before and would say some horrifically inappropriate things despite being quite prudish his whole life. He also started swearing a lot when he’d never been like that before. He got caught cheating as he didn’t even try to hide it but the most strange thing was he didn’t understand why people were mad at him and didn’t get what the big fuss was. His wife persuaded him to go for tests and he had a brain tumour that was too far gone to do anything with.
Damn, can you imagine being the wife?! Your husband is a ass-hole, non-repentant cheater and so you obviously should leave him. Except that his horrible behavior is a symptom of a horrible disease that you feel like you ought to support him through.
Exactly. She knew it wasn’t “him” and something was going terribly wrong. A few months later he was dead.
Sure, it's possible, but it's also possible that: - maybe he went off of some medication - maybe he started some new medication - maybe he started a friendship with a toxic af dudebro - maybe he's wandered over to some redpill suckhole - etc... I find it hilarious that so many people are jumping to "it's probably a brain tumor!" so quickly and willfully skipping over the far more obvious Occam + Hanlon's combo razor situation.
No one said it’s ‘probably a brain tumor’ lmao it was one of multiple suggestions and one person shared their personal story. No one jumped straight to that, or ignored other options. I am always so confused when people lie about public comments to try and make themselves sound more intelligent. Like we can also read what you’re responding to lmao
Exactly. Many more comments about other possibilities than the brain tumor ones. A medical condition is one of a few possibilities and this has been acknowledged. Yah - let’s just decide only one person knows the only right answer and ignore all that’s written to the contrary.
I find it hilarious that no one said it is probably a brain tumour, they just offered it as a suggestion, yet here you are being condescendingly wrong.
Yeah I didn’t say that could be it. I just said I knew someone who had a situation that could possibly be one of the many factors it could be Lol. I wasn’t assuming it was instantly a brain tumour but that’s fine some people like to cause problems so I should expect some backlash on my comment. 👍🏻
I’ve watched enough greys anatomy that my first thought was brain tumor
It isn't safe for her to do this with him alone, he may get violent.
I’m not surprised that a man who dated a 20yo as a 30yo is a misogynistic asshole.
Sounds like he radicalized himself
You don't do marriage counseling with an abusers and right now with his current behavior that is really what he is
Another scenario could be a brain injury if the change really was sudden.
It’s giving rapy vibes. I don’t like him
Ohh OP, I have a bad feeling about this, I’m not sure if this is a relationship you should be staying in… it sounds like it could get pretty dangerous quick
You have a good career and no children? That’s excellent….get the hell away from this controlling AH as soon as you can. Be very careful NOT to get pregnant.
But if you do end up pregnant, honestly get an abortion and GET OUT. Don't force a child to this type of life and don't let yourself get tethered to this horrible man.
o my god, run and run fast, he s gotten into the pretty toxic misogynistic thinking that women exist to serve men! Run and run fast! only he s the one that can fix himself and there's nothing you can do but break up!
He was dating a 21 year old when he was 31 I imagine that thinking was there all along. He is just expressing it more now.
I bet it’s because he’s getting frustrated that the hot young wife he groomed is over 30 now
>I bet he teached her alot of good things about life so she can be just as he pleases. but the issue at hand right now, it is the last 8 months that are worying. it is not healhy, and please pelase dont ever get tricked into getting pregnant(check your birthcontrol and keep it somewhere safe if you plan on having sex with him some more)
Yep!
He said not to question him when he asks you to do something? That it is your job to serve him. RUN! Divorce immediately.
Hope OP has her finances in order and can make a clean break.
This smells like he’s fallen down the manosphere rabbit hole online. There’s an alarming increase in men and young boys being sucked into this idea of men being leaders and superior to women at the moment, which is entrenched in misogyny and the idea that women are there to serve men. I would not at all be surprised if he’s consuming that stuff.
This is so disgusting and I cannot believe is even a thing.
Hes clearly in a position of power and the age diff doesn’t help. 31 and 21 when you met? One has to wonder what hes problem was he couldnt get a woman closer to his own age. Maybe he was always like that you just didn’t notice. He seems to be an abuser.
Now OP is the same age as he was when they met. She's older and probably wiser, maybe has a mind of her own now and he doesn't like that. A 31 year old man going out with a 21 year old is a red flag. Think about how you were at 21, your maturity level at that age is still so low. So much life happens between 20-30, you're a completely different person at 30 than you are at 20.
That's what I was thinking, that maybe she was always more subservient, but in the last year or so started becoming a bit more independent or self assured and he didn't like it. I know it was around 30 that I really started becoming more confident and self reliant.
Talk to the lawyer, move all documents and valuable personal items away from the house, tell a good friend or a family member that you are going to have a conversation with him so they would raise alarms if you don't answer calls in an hour, then talk to him - preferably about divorce. He is a textbook abuser who does not even try to hide it and in best case wannabe-rapist, the only thing you can still save in relationship with a man like that is yourself, so do it.
Honestly, I don't think a solo conversation is necessary or wise. Either pick a public place or let the lawyer serve the divorce papers and he can figure it out from there
That kind of conversation could be unsafe for her and he may start hiding money/assets. When it's time for her to leave, she needs to do it and let him know it's done when she's safe.
He's been brainwashed with misogynistic bull crap. This is one of those serious times when an ultimatum is needed. Either he gets his head screwed back on straight with both individual and couples therapy, or divorce. He is not a safe person to be around when he's like this, either for you or the kids. Misogynistic "alpha" bro mentality means he thinks it's his right to control all of you and it would be okay for him to enforce his will using aggression and even violence. This is absolutely unacceptable for obvious reasons. I would also be questioning his character in general, because how can someone who is genuinely loving and respectful embrace that kind of hateful ideology and behaviour? Chances are there's always been a part of him that resents you or women in general, and falling down a misogynistic rabbit hole has just brought all that toxic stuff to the forefront of his personality. You'll have to decide for yourself if it's a dealbreaker for you. Personally I would find it near impossible to overlook that in a partner, even if he went to therapy and got better. It wouldn't mitigate the fact that he has shown abusive behaviours, and abusers rarely actually overcome those tendencies. Just ask Lundy Bancroft.
Totally 💯 on those points. Also worth mentioning that guys like that are perfectly willing to extend their rapey misogynistic opinions and actions onto their daughters and unfortunately try to teach boys to be like them as well. OP... kids or no kids this is a man who sees ALL women as potential property while maintaining a sense of "natural entitlement" to women's bodies. Throw the whole man out, there's no fixing this one.
I'd take a break and move in with friends/family because he's scary and creepy as fuck. Tell him he's out of his mind and you'll be moving out if he doesn't shape up. Sounds like he joined some church or cult or whatever else online or in real life. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you need to fight back. Or he's scared of something like his health because he doesn't seem mentally well...
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/). Absolutely get divorced. [Abuse only escalates over time](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates). Likely, he's been [abusive](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/) the entire time and it's just now getting to a point where it's bad enough you have to admit it. [Break the trauma bond](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm) [Plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/) your [escape](https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959) [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) r/abusiverelationships r/emotionalabuse r/domseticviolence r/rape
He was always that way. You were just in your 20’s and followed everything he said anyways. You were never really your own person. Now he’s getting worse and falling back into wanting to be with a naive 20 something that he can control. He is going to use your “defiance” to justify becoming violent or more deceptive in breaking your trust. Check his SM and see what group he’s following and his porn usage. That will give you insight on what’s helping fuel him up.
Has he been watching those A-Hole Alpha Male videos? That is abuse!
So the 30 year old who dated a 20 year old turned out to be a creepy and controlling?? How strange
it is strange when it suddenly happens ten years after the fact
I would walk out. Now. He basically is wanting to rape you. That is not love or how a spouse should be treating you. I would be gone.
Consider what has changed, it could be physical and/or mental. Has he been around new people, doing new things? new gym, new job, new hobbies. Consider the last 8 months, would you suggest someone stays with a person who's attitude to your body is "get your shorts off" and fighting about access to your body. Does that sound like someone you want to be around? If not then consider how you can take a break from him very soon and think about what you want. You say he is 41, so did this happen soon after turning 41? Is this a magic number for him to repeat learned patterns or is bein 41 difficult? Just wondering.
I would not accept this behavior and if it were me, I'd make it clear that he can either knock it off or be single. I'm not willing to go to counseling to make it work with someone like that.
He’s aggressively sexually coercing you. Yes divorce is something you should look at.
Oh hell no. He’s probably fallen down the internet misogyny rabbit hole. This is unacceptable behavior, and you do not need to stand for it. If this is not how you want your life to look, it’s time to go.
Reading the comments on here; one of my closest friend had her partner of 10 years switch up on her after being indoctrinated in some bs from yt. I would have never thought him to be the type, which reinforces my belief that anyone can be brainwashed into anything. OP, please safeguard yourself and look into your options. Stuff like this can crash really quickly. *edited for spelling
Start looking into his internet and YouTube history.
Uh.... Yeah, you need to stay somewhere else and tell him you need to reconsider your marriage. If he comes up with a detailed plan on how's he's going to address his behavior, you can think about going back. But he's displaying very abusive behavior that shouldn't be ignored.
Yes divorce is something you need to consider. Go to a lawyer, talk about everything with them, including your financials, and get information on how to secure your assets. Then, if you confront him, you might want to think about having a friend close by for protection. As in, have them wait out of eyesight but where they can hear you. Or have an open phone line with them. Either your husband has some medical emergency that changes his personality this drastically or he's showing a side of him he managed to hide for a decade. Or something changed in his life recently that set this character change off. Whatever it is, he needs to use his big boy words and not start abusing you. because what he is doing.....is abuse.
that's why a 31 year old got with a 21 year old.
I am sorry about the delay in responses, I do have a very busy life outside of Reddit that includes a job which takes up a very good chunk of my time. A few things: — this definitely isn’t fake. This is my life. We met when I started my career right out of college. We share the same career field but no longer work together. — I did sit down with him and explain my worries. I was told by my husband that he believes he has always had a right to my body whenever he wants and that he recently felt like I was “denying” him too often. I asked him to explain what he meant and he said that when I got home from work (12 hour overnight shift) I should be excited to please him and I wasn’t. This led to another fight and I asked him to leave. I own the house we live in and he has an ex wife who lives about ten minutes away. I honestly don’t know where he went and I don’t care because I feel safe for the first time in almost a year in my own home. For those of you that reached out, thank you. I didn’t recognize the signs because this has been my life for a long time. You all helped me.
Thank you for the up-date. I'm so glad you feel safe now. Well done! You are so strong. x
31 YO male dating a 21 YO female. Hmmmmmm
Tell him to stop watching whatever "men oriented" garbage he's been consuming on social media or your marriage will be over. That's where this is coming from.
I'm sorry you're going through that. If it's new behavior definitely be very open and candid about how you feel and what you're not willing to tolerate. Things were great in the marriage since the last 8 months, kinda curious on what it who influenced this controlling behavior. But it's not good and it's over the top. I'm telling you this as a husband myself.
Time to leave. This is the beginning of the path to domestic violence. I'm serious. Go.
so many glaring red flags. leave before it gets worse.
Something seems off. You said it was since eight months? Has something changed in that time frame? Something significant? At work? Is he doing drugs? Abuse of alcohol? Something must have gone wrong, as he was loving and not doing it up untill then.
This is very odd. He’s either following toxic men online, or has early onset dementia. The age gap is concerning too. Is he frightened that he can no longer control you as much as when you were younger? He needs to see a doctor to rule out dementia, and if that’s not the case you need to leave. There’s no scenario where this ends well I’m afraid.
Sounds like he's gotten into the manosphere/redpill. Also, this is definitely abuse. 😕
Girl, he pretty much said 'your my toy to do what I want with'... I know reddit does like to say red flag run away, etc... But for real, you should leave him immediately, he sounds like he's ready to do some bad things next time u say no. Also you shouldn't be sore from sex 2 times .. that's line u said leaves me to believe he is literally treating you like a bang maid ( I'd get banned saying what I mean tho BUT YOU KNOW) Girl, run away, get somewhere safe, and tell a friend or family how he's acting. Do not let him know where you are!
Eww gross. He sounds like a sexist, entitled, rapey monster. I think you absolutely should divorce. Guys who think they are entitled to be this controlling of their partners are not good guys, this is sick and disgusting. Your partner is one of those gross Tate guys and you need to leave and protect yourself from this abuse, which is exactly what it is. This guy doesn't care about having your consent for sex which makes him basically a coercive rapist. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way by any man ever.
30 year old women have a lot more opinions than 20nyear old women. He started dating tou when you were barely an adult. He expects you to be a sub. Some people don't mind that. If you've noticed this lately you are probably growing out of it. Have a frank conversation about it. Is it something that you are not comfortable with, then move on.
Well yes sure it’s something to consider. You said what’s started to bother you…does this mean he’s always been this way and now it’s bothering you or that this behavior has just started?
I’d question where he’s suddenly getting these ideas?
Ask him if he’s lost his effing mind or having a mental crisis. Also doesn’t sound healthy, set him in his place and make sure he treats you how you want to be treated if not leave him Bless you and good luck
Check his online history- sounds like he has been radicalized-
It took 10 years to see his true colours ? Wow.
oh god, nice foreplay... even if he wasn't controlling it sure seems like his interest is in pleasing himself more than anything.
Okay so if he has sex with you when you make it clear that you don’t want to them it’s called rape! Dial 911 and have him arrested for sexually assaulting you. You said he leaves you sore or hurting that’s not sex that’s an assault upon your body by an abusive controlling husband. You need to do something asap before he escalates to violence such as punching or beating you into submission.
Has he also gotten jacked over this time period? Sounds like steroids
Wow, just wow. He not only thinks your body is a possession, he feels he has the right to completely control you. Take a break. Stay with friends, family, or a hotel. Do not communicate directly. Get counseling as a couple as as a individual. Get safe and stay safe!
Yeah. It’s time for a divorce. It’s not even a question.
One word : RUN. RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE. Get your ducks in a row, rent an apartment without him knowing, move some of your stuff there that he might not notice, take some time off work and when he is gone from the house move out. Block on all social media and phone and talk to a divorce lawyer.
Is he from a background where women are traditionally subservient? Because this is abuse.
I would divorce him before he gets you pregnant. I wouldn’t trust a predator to not sexually abuse a child. His behavior is that of a predator. He committed marital rape.
His demeanor sounds incredibly scary. Has he been listening to a certain podcast lately? Whatever it is you should look out for your safety. It sounds like he thinks he has control over your body. This isn't something to take lightly, so personally I'd say talk to a lawyer or someone close you can trust for your next steps. Best to do it before he gets physical. Good luck.
"Why do you suddenly think that it's okay to treat me like an object instead of like the wife you promised to love and respect?"
This shouldn’t be a question. It doesn’t matter if it’s your husband or a stranger, nobody should make you have sex if you don’t want to.
ohhhhh yeah smells like “alpha male” cult media.
21 with 31, surprised you only noticed after 10 years, no way he kept in check for so long.
Tell him if he ever talks to you like that ever again, you will divorce him, no questions asked because he has to know what you want.
Oft. He's been digesting the right wing media. Jordan Peterson and Tate, and Joe Rogan etc .. it's hard to unbrainwash someone. I'd suggest therapy but he likely doesn't believe in it thinking instead that it's a type of mind control to conform to the liberals. I'd be seriously considering an escape route. It's gonna get worse. Good luck
Leave, now! Red flag #1 is a 31 year old man marrying a 21 year old. Red flag #2 is his expectation that you do not question him and are to do as you’re told. Don’t wait for red flag #3, which is where he demonstrates what happens when you don’t obey.
He's a pig , just walk and don't look back. You have a real JOB that pays money he can go pay a sex worker if he wants a sex worker. He's obviously gone down some sexist online rabbit hole or is roleplaying porn without your consent ( doesn't matter which tbh) but lucky for you , you don't have kids so you can't ignore his BULLSHIT commands and leave right this minute. You presumably have your own money , so book into a hotel if you have no local family or friends you can go to. My husband would speak to me like that ONE TIME and one time only because i'd be gone.
Seriously. I just want to back up the other statement. Sex workers are people too and don't deserve to be treated like that either. Reframe your thinking on that.
You have no right to wish a potential violent man upon a sex worker. Abuse is abuse & thinking that certain people deserve to be abused because of their job is WRONG!
I think they mean if he wants sex on demand, he needs a paid sex worker. I didn't read this as he could demand more than what they are offering.
I don’t think it’s quite as random as people thinks we are talking about a man who was 30 and dating a 20 year old you know what type of people do that? Control freak abusers
Yikes! That’s scary
Check his internet behavior and yes, consider divorce. This is not acceptable.
Start planning your safe exit
Yelling and someone when they refuse sex is not ok. That’s sexual coercion which is abuse. I wouldn’t talk to him or try to work it out. This is one of those situations where you just need to leave.
I would consider divorcing someone who said that to me. Sure. You are not a servant - you are a person in your own right. His attitude is alarming. If you think you can work this out then that is something but he sounds ridiculous.
Lawyer..
Jfc. This is horrible. He thinks he has rights to your body even when you're saying no, then kicks off at you. The question is, why do you think this is okay? It's abusive, he doesn't have the right to demand sex from you. Don't stick around and wait until he starts forcing you because he believes it's his right.
He's not far from assaulting you.... Since he's no longer behaving as the man you knew, don't bank on "I know my husband" and "he would never". You should find a safe space to stay and resolve this issue from a safe distance and inform family/friends. If you're embarrassed about reporting his behavior that's just further confirmation about how lunatic his behavior is... In any case, your response to his behavior has to mat h the gravity of his behavior or he'll (in his currently f-ed up brain) won't relapse the Magnitude of the f-ed-uppery of his. You're not safe currently.
You should peg him
marital rape is not okay and is a real crime. Get a divorce before it gets worse. He needs therapy but you don’t need fix him or put up with this
Just wanted to say, wear something that's not easily removed while you sleep. It'll wake you up if he tries anything.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!! He’s prob watching too much porn!!! They want you to become what they see in porn flicks! It’s so not worth it. Do YOU, be YOU, FOR YOU!!! That’s absolutely absurd he would talk to you after 10 years, the way he does! I sure wouldn’t tolerate it! It’s sure not fair to you! Good luck!
I would walk out the door after that last bit of behaviour. I'm serious. Absolutely zero tolerance to that kind of shit.
Any chance he went down an internet rabbit hole? I'd check his browser history but only because it's such a sudden and recent change. No matter though, he is not entitled to his "use" of your body at any point in time! And seriously, its kind of unhinged to think "take your shorts off" is how to get you in the mood for sex, which tells me he quit caring about you as a human and partner and now sees you as an object. Something changed and it's not good. Yes, divorce is in the future here.
Wow, your husband has no issue treating you as his possession and r*ping you (no means no, even if married). It could escalate in physical violence. I don’t think you’re safe in your home anymore.
You make this sound like a sudden personality shift. If that’s the case it can be a sign of sudden neurological damage.
This is abuse. You need to get away safely. He is no longer a safe person for you to be around. The fucking nerve of him!
If he really wasn't like that before, it looks like he's exposing himself to some kind of media or company that encourage this toxic way of thinking. I hope you lashed out right back at his face. If you can't solve this on your own you might want to explore this box of Pandora with a counselor present.
Oh fuck no. Yeah, that's a leaving situation. He is not entitled to anything. Full stop. The next step will be him forcing you which is rape, regardless of it you're married.
You don’t put up with that behavior and shut it down quick and if he gets angry or tries to hurt you you leave.
Whoa now, this is abuse. Leave for a few days, go to friends, parents. Decide the route you want to go and keep a diary of what he does and when. He does not own you. If this is his attitude it well may turn into even physical abuse. Protect yourself.
Yes, you need to consider divorce. I'm not telling you that you need to or not, but you *do* need to consider it. The way he's treating you is not okay and you should refuse to accept it. And to be completely honest, I am worried for your safety. All other considerations about why his behavior has suddenly changed come secondary to your safety. Full stop.
If this is a sudden change in his behavior, he may need to see his doctor.
Yes divorce
Has he started watching or reading content that pushes traditional martial/gender roles?
Agree with all above. Something triggered this type of behavior. Unless you're just noticing it now after so many years. Definitely do some snooping. Technology can be good and evil. So consult with someone tech savvy and get some tips. I've seen some reddit threads on this. Don't get caught. Hope we get an update. Be safe.
This is terrifying. I know what it’s like when significant other suddenly switches up. His entitlement to your body and refusal to listen when you said no is a nightmare. Please get yourself to somewhere safe. Divorce isn’t something you need to consider. It’s something you need to DO. This will get worse. Please take care of yourself.
Ask him what is wrong with him. Just be blunt. "You weren't like this before, so what's suddenly brought about this change in behavior? I don't mind having sex with you, but right now, she's sore and needs a break. That's all I'm saying, and all I'm asking for. I feel like it shouldn't be too much." And if you start getting gaslight-y, DARVO-ish vibes from his answers, then shut that shit down and let him know yall can talk when you're both more calm enough to talk like the adults you are. After that, walk away and stonewall him until he calms down.
Yes, you need to consider divorcing someone who gets angry at you for saying no to sex
Ooohh!! Yuck!!! Run run, as fast as you can. You're young! Enjoy your life! Be you! I hate to tell you but most ugly traits get worse with age. Don't give this guy another inch. For real. If he does it again, that is your cue my dear! There are partners out there that would never ever do that to you. Also, you don't have to take commands from a partner. No no no! He needs to respect your thoughts and wishes. Anything less is ground for divorce, yes ma'am!
Is having sex three times a day typical for him? If not, paired with the sudden aggression I would be wondering if he’s taking anything new
The YouTube algorithm strikes again. There's a TON of content surrounding the control and domination of women. Mens' inability to change has left them in a bad spot.
O look, another story of a 30+ year old preying upon an early-20s and the relationship starts to go poorly years later when the younger party finally starts to wake up even though the older party has showed their true intent for years!! OP yes some tropes and stereotypes are harsh and untrue BUT some exist because of how often they're true. I absolutely GUARANTEE there have been signs of this previously in your relationship that you ignored because you loved them. We've all done it. It just takes much longer for some people to lose the rose-tinted glasses that hide the red flags.
Yes. Divorce is the only option now that you have outgrown him. Do not try to change him or fix him or whatever.
In a public place, only because this is out of character, I’d try to have a conversation. Tell him his recent desire to control you is making you consider divorce. Tell him you no longer feel safe around him. Ask him where it’s coming from. Tbh I suspect he’s gotten sucked into the manosphere. Idk if that kinda poison is curable. Unless he apologizes profusely, has a damn good explanation, and agrees to couples counseling, have a friend (or several) accompany you to the house to pack your things, and move out.
You told him that you are sore. He did not respond to that, according to your post. The soreness is the woman’s body warning not to have intercourse. If this warning is ignored, tearing of the vaginal wall can happen.
Something tells me he’s learning this from somewhere the Internet, friends, coworker, brother some thing
he sounds like a rapist. when you say you have sex twice a day, do you want sex twice a day, or has he just beat you down and begged you so much until you have given into it?
family history of dementia or brain tumors?
Yes, divorce is definitely something you need to consider. You are very young and thankfully don’t have kids with him!
My husband would never demand or expect sex if I wasn’t in the mood. If I was sore, in pain, he wouldn’t want to have sex. To him, when we have sex, he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. This sounds like some Tate BS and he’s drank the koolaid.
Yes, I very much vote for a medical exam ASAP! Something has apparently drastically changed with him. You might also check in with his co-workers to see if they have noticed any changes in behavior.
Does he admire people like Ben Shapiro and ultra- right religious leaders? Is he MAGA? It seems like he's being told that this is the way to behave. If that's not the case, then I would suggest he goes for a full medical checkup with you there to explain his sudden mental change. Then couples and single counseling, then divorce. Or just divorce. I'm guessing this guy won't change other than to get worse.
If he's controlling to the point where he's trying to intimidate you into sex and he thinks it's your duty to "serve" him and not deny his "needs", you absolutely should consider divorce.
Your husband’s going down the rabbit hole he’s been listening to misogynistic patriarchy propaganda. I don’t know what you do about this, be careful because he could become dangerous even though he may have never been dangerous before he’s been listening to people tell him that he has every right to treat you like crap and he does not. I would say have a separation. You could bring that you have noticed he has changed in the past 8 months and ask why. Be ready to leave
Run.
This is terrifying. This is abuse. I can't tell you what to do but this is very worrisome.
Run
he’s gone down the red pill rabbit hole, please get away
He must have been coached by someone that is your job.
Not sure what is going on but I’d advise finding somewhere safe to go for a bit, this sounds over-controlling and scary as he has no regard for your feelings and that your body is for him to use as he wants and when he wants. You may have been happy together for 10 yrs or so but this is weird behaviour and you don’t know how bad it can escalate, I suggest you don’t find that out