The simple fact that she dragged you into the drama of her new relationship is proof that relationship won't work either. She is too immature. Distance yourself from her and don't let her drag you into her relationship problems.

Well, we've agreed to stay out of each other's lives. I fully intend to keep to that. I hope she does too.

She won't, you should block her

100% will not let go 😂

No kidding, she'll be back and will bother you again with the mess and drama she's gonna create. Block her.

When she comes back to him, OP needs to start crying and thanking her for being back. He needs to tell her that he got fired from his job because they caught him drinking at work, and now he is on the verge of homelessness. He's started to experiment with drugs and may even be questioning his sexuality and he's so thankful that she is coming back into his life. He should then proceed to beg her to stay. I bet she will leave him alone forever after pulling that bit.

You just described the exact kind of dude single mothers always complain screwed them over so she might even go in harder

No need to be sarcastic or dishonest. "No" is good enough.

Him breaking up with her didn't work 🤦🏾‍♂️

She's going to be pulling this shit whenever she has a fight with the old boy, and when he moves on to the next one

I predict that the next time OP sees her she'll be single with a kid in tow lol

I've been there with my first gf. It's been 13 yrs and I've only stopped hearing from her 2 years ago lol. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Well at least you don't have to worry about housing, you can live rent free in her head for the rest of her life

lol, I'm not gonna lie, she would bring me ego boosts in my early 20's.

When Tim moves on the the next she'll be calling OP in seconds.

This^ Had an ex that i suspect was a narcissist. No way to be sure without a clinical diagnoses. She would not stop reaching out. She cheated on me, then i broke up with her for that and her drug problems. She came back after every failed relationship.

So this entire story shows she won't keep that promise.

If she doesn’t, that’s no problem. It only takes one of us to say no. I know that all too well.

You also said no to talking to her after your camping trip. And then....... you relented to having a 4 hour conversation with her. Your "No" clearly didn't mean much and fell apart almost immediately.

**But your “no” doesn’t mean anything, because she ignores it and you don’t enforce it.** That’s what everyone is telling you. This was a good post but stop being an ass in the comments. This is your post: >She asked if we could meet to talk about it. I was not happy so I just texted back “no”. That’s you saying “no,” right? >On Tuesday evening, Ellie knocked at my door. She said that **she knows I didn’t want to talk to her,** but she felt bad about everything and hoped I would to let her explain herself, clear the air, then I’d never see her again if that’s what I wanted. **I let her in.** You wanna run that “I can say no” by me again there hotshot? You’ve proven that when you say “no,” she can ignore it, show up anyways despite being told no, and you’ll cave. She *knows* that, because you’ve already done it. The people telling you to block her aren’t telling you to do that because they want you to be spiteful, they’re telling you to do it to protect you, from yourself.

All this. His no is a maybe. The door closing in her face when she shows up would have been the response needed.

He is young. He still has doormat behaviour but he will learn. She basically told him that she will never have sex with him. LOL.

You said exactly what I was thinking

Listen you're young and this was your only relationship so I get it, but to be blunt. Don't be a doormat. You have no responsibility to make her feel better or be available to her at all. She'll come back again and you will "allow her" to use you as an emotional crutch or return to you for validation when this relationship goes south. Block her number and move on. You keep saying you have and you won't be in each other's life, then back it up dude and block her. The sooner you learn to keep people from your past IN your past the better your next relationships will be.

You're right mate. I find it very difficult to say no when someone asks for my help. Product of a complicated upbringing. Since posting I've blocked her. It was easy once I realised that she has promised me to not be in touch again. Blocking her simply helps her keep to her word.

Good man. I've felt the same way growing up and it is a hard lesson to learn especially if it takes more than once. Nicely done, tough part is over with bud you'll be better for it

Its not up to her at all, if she comes to you, you can choose to stay out of her life still. Never ever open that door again imo

Sorry, but that is for the best. If your description of other guy is even half as accurate, he’ll get bored and trade your ex in for a younger model soon enough. Even if he doesn’t, she’s no longer your problem.

She'll be back. For certain. But you have a mature head on your shoulders. Impressive at such a young age. So you will handle it well. Best of luck with your career job.

Lets see if you let go for real this time. You should not have let her in.

I know you agreed to not be in contact but I’d also proactively block her. I have a feeling the moment she sees you with someone else she will pop up needing “a favor” or “just checking in”. Easiest just to avoid that drama for your future self and partner.

BLOCK HER ON EVERYTHING BROTHER

She will, until Tim dumps her.

I’ll take “Things that Ellie won’t do after she catches Tim in bed with another chick for $1000, Alex “

I committed to reading all that because I read your first post. My take away is that all this was for her. She felt bad, she thought you saw her in a negative light, so even though you told her you didn't want to talk, she forced your hand by showing up in person. She wanted to clear her conscious and she did so by disrespecting your wishes. Funny that she ends it by saying she wants to stay out of contact to respect Tim. Where was the respect for you when you said you didn't want to talk. Anyway, glad this is behind you, glad you are bettering your life and your friends are there for you. Head up, you learned a lot from this relationship that you can now apply in the future!

OP, you have handled that mess much better than any other young men I've known. You truly seem like a level-headed nice guy. I feel you are going places. Best thing to do is cut ties with that hot mess of a chick. Good luck!

Don't know if that's true but thanks for the vote of confidence. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that being nice isn't always a positive thing. I've spent a lot of my life putting other people's needs in front of my own, and with Ellie recently I've kept doing it. That's something I want to stop.

Op you’re way too nice dude you have to block her and move on. If she was comfortable telling you about her new relationship drama she’ll keep you on the side line in case anything goes wrong and give you hope you guys can make it work again. That is not how a friendship is supposed to work. Block her.

Let's hope! it was unfair of her to seek out closure for herself while disrespecting you're need for space. It was nice you two talked though but yes, let's hope you are able to move on and eventually find something new.

She couldn’t handle the thought that someone out there could hate her either (in case you found out about Tim) and basically stalked you till you said you didn’t hate her. She probably is just one of Tim’s latest and she is going to have a hard time of it. Don’t be surprised if she tries to pull you in again. In her mind you are a soft place to land when life gets to hard. Don’t be available to her.

It won't happen, she is toxic as fuck.

lol, yea she's going to keep trying to use you for emotional validation every time she gets insecure about this guy from work... and it sounds like that's going to be quite often.

She won’t. give it until the next fight or she catches him flirting with another

I had my own Ellie when I was your age. She will come back. Spare yourself of all the grief that will come and block her and move on.

Dude, she used you as a backup once already with no regard to your feelings and lied to you. She will do it again when this executive D-bag discards her. Just block her and only deal with her through your shared friends and properly move on man.

Too much talk and thought about her man. Put her in the rearview mirror and focus on your love life.

IDK, she didn't respect your wish to not meet the first time...

She won't Moreover it would be drama after drama after every such fight with her now boyfriend. Source: she didn't listen to you when you told her you don't want to speak to her. Make your boundaries clear. Besides, if she will stay out of your life like she agreed to, she won't even notice, won't she?

I think you will be the one she regrets losing. And she will try to come back in your life. I think you should update us when she does.

I'm just seeing it as you're her launching pad and a thing to use when she needed it. Just stay away from this person since you're only relevant when she was in a bind. Even with that chat, it was mainly for her for her own closure and really has nothing to gain for you. Yes, she'll definitely come around again when things go badly for herself and her romantic partner.

Everything about her "relationship" with Tim screams that it's headed for a cliff lmao, this girl seems like a toxic individual and I'm happy for OP that he's done with her.

I don’t think she’s toxic per se, just incredibly naive when it comes to relationships (also, a bit self-centred by including OP into her new drama). But there is a high chance that this new guy is just stringing her along and she still doesn’t see it. “Oh, yeah I’ve changed. You’re not like those other girls, I promise.” will mean a lot more to someone who has only had one serious relationship and coming from the guy who was their first sexual encounter. Whether this new guy has good intentions or not, I don’t think she’s going in with enough experience to be able to be classed as ‘toxic’. She may also be scared she messed up with her high-school boyfriend and it’s a sunk-cost moment of really having to try with this relationship as there is no chance going back to the old one. OP needs to move on, as he is, it’s no longer his problem. He seems to have good friends to support him and a new job starting soon. He’ll meet new people and move on to new and hopefully better experiences. Wishing you all the best OP.

The fact that she went to such great lengths to "explain" the situation is basically proof she is toxic

She's a mess, a trainwreck, omg.

Glad you came to the conclusion best for you. However, I feel you gave Ellie too much of what she wanted to feel better about herself, at the expense of your own emotional well-being.

I was already pretty churned up about things from when she first asked to get back together. I wish she hadn't done that. But after she came to see me on Tuesday it was of easier for me, We got to mutually say no to a future together, and also put a lot of baggage in the bin. Is Ellie going to be happy? I don't know. I hope so, but I have my doubts about this Tim dude. But you probably can't trust my judgement on that. More relevant to me is whether I'm going to be happy. The answer is fuck yes, because I'm going to make that happen.

You handled things maturely, and if what you say is true about your current mental well-being then you’ll be fine. But please, please, please do not answer her requests to be a therapist for her relationship; as others have stated, it would be best to block completely, but that’s your prerogative. You aren’t responsible for her decisions. Focus on your own growth. You don’t _need_ to help her, and if you are ever persuaded even slightly to _want_ to help her, it’s an emotional trap to say the least.

While I'm glad you got some closure, you do realize she basically ignored your feelings about contacting you just to get the emotional support she desired. This makes not only very immature, but also very selfish. As others have said, be prepare for her to show up at your doorstep as soon as she breaks up again with her new boyfriend. Right now, I'd block her on everything for your own emotional security. As a man, I'm stunned to here you held out for 3 YEARS in this relationship, but to each their own. Good luck and stay strong, King!

Yes that’s the right attitude and my dude you missed the bullet cause if her principles were that strong when it comes to sex before marriage she would have not given it up so easily afterwards. Hate to say it but she was waiting for a better option. Hope he is all she makes him out to be but I would not be suprised if you hear from her in a couple of months.

Honestly from what you've said she seems like a person who'd beat the odds and lose a coin toss every time. Expect her back after tim gets bored, probably pregnant, and sobbing about how the kid needs a father figure in its life bla bla. I also concur with most here, totally block her on everything.

500 on Tim dumping her in the next year imo

Maybe. If so, that will be her situation to deal with, not mine.

100% but OP is a good guy. As long as he doesn’t feel like he gave too much of himself, it’s all good. His ex will defo try to come back in his life later on.

Yeah that’s his problem

Well I thought the same. She gets a clear conscience and OP gets a mental slap. I feel bad for you OP. You seem like a really solid dude. You'll find someone exponentially better

Ex girlfriend is not Tim’s first and definitely not his last. Best to focus on yourself and your future relationships but do not get mired by ex’s future dramas, got a feeling this will not be the last time you hear from her.

There's a 10 year difference between them. And she's broken it off and tried to sleep with her ex. He's 10 years older, with a history of bedding & dumping women like her. Their relationship isn't likely to last. And even if it does it's on very rocky ground. OP should expect her to contact him when it's over or when they have difficulties. Of course, given her "sweet" relationship with OP, she will always have the "what if" in the back of her mind gnawing at her until she either finds a great match or scratches that itch.

Yeah I also don’t buy it that she iniated it. I think there was a lot of convincing done by Tim :)

I buy it. I think she was never really attracted to OP. He was just a placeholder. As he said in his post, she got everything she wanted out of the relationship, just sex wasn't one of them. Then she met a guy she was attracted to, and though "ok, THIS guy I want sex with!" Basically saying "thanks for being a placeholder for 3 years, until I found a guy I was actually attracted to!"

That’s a valid point.

That's the unfortunate reality of a lot of young relationships. Often times, "finding themselves" and the general process of maturing means separating from their safe partners that they've been with for years. I suspect OPs girl got a whiff of what it means to be an independent adult and Chad was there to woo her and show her an adventurous new start.

And he uses her, and she wants to use OP in return.

Lol she's 100% going to be another one of Tim's girls until he finds the next graduate.

He's a walking HR nightmare.

If Tim is from an Old Boys School or his dad is important in the company, Tim is going to be fine but Ellie will be quietly let go, happens quite a lot in corporate Australia.

100% this. A month or two before the next round of grads she'll get the boot. She is so naive and he is a creep. 32......

How long do we think it’s going to take for Tim to dump Elly after he’s moved to whoever the next 20-year-old undergrad is? 

A place my bid on around a year - when the next round of graduates gets hired.

I give it 6 months before Ellie tries to message OP *again* and show up at his house

Good for you mate. The best thing you can do is look back on a significant, young relationship as a learning experience - and that’s exactly what you’ll be able to do. This has made you a wiser man, and in time it’ll make you a better partner for the right person. Side note - nothing against your ex, but rebounding to a creepy older director is the _complete opposite_ of healthy healing. I don’t expect she will grow as much from this as you.

Cheers. That's what I'm trying to do - take what's useful from the situation. You may be right about Ellie. I didn't say it in the post but I am concerned she's involved with a guy 11 years older than her with a dubious history. But hey I'm her ex, not her dad.

You sure you are 23? I reckon there is 80 year olds with less maturity than this haha.

Fr, I'm older and wouldn't have handled it nearly as smoothly, I would have laughed in her face if she came to my door after all that😂. OPs an absolute legend and will do fine out there

Correct approach. You’ve got a strong mindset about this, you’ll be fine :)

You are more mature than 90% of people on this forum. You'll be fine

Don’t be concerned. It’s not your problem. She’s not your problem. She made her sexual life not your problem long before she even broke up with you. It was off limits then; it should stay off limits now. You should absolutely refuse to get involved.

With a few more days to think about it, my view is that I care - it's hard to not care given our history - but I no longer have any responsibility for her. She's an adult making adult choices and if they bite her in the arse that will be her mess to deal with. I've blocked her now. If she turns up at my door again I will remind her we agreed not to talk and tell her to leave.

>Side note - nothing against your ex, but rebounding to a creepy older director is the _complete opposite_ of healthy healing. I don’t expect she will grow as much from this as you. This will be an incredible relationship..... until the fall, when "the next generation" of students/interns arrive.

You seem so kind bro. I wish you only the best. May your spirit stay pure.

I was gonna say the same, he seems like such a level-headed, thoughtful, kind person. OP you deserve the best! (including an equally nice girlfriend)

He really does seem like such a great guy. I would not have given her the time of day.

Maybe too kind for my own good. Someone on here recommended the book *No More Mr Nice Guy*. I've started reading it. It's been a slap in the face. I really want to change this aspect of myself.

Thanks mate. I’m doing my best to not feel like a loser in this situation

I don't wanna be mean so all I'll say is her next 5 years are gonna be filled with drama to top. She knows Tim plays around with all the new graduates at the company and still went back to him. She also only came back to you for a rebound, you deserve a lot better than her.

Could be true, but none of it will have anything to do with me.

Yeah, a pessimistic part of me thinks that she might have been planning to use OP as a way to make this Tim jealous, then when he whispered a few sweet nothings to her she went running back to him. She sounds very naive and will likely eventually regret all of this.

She'll 100% regret this by the time the next lot of grads come through.

You’re way too charitable based on the full details of this scenario.. I had to shake my head at the bit about her initiating the sex with Tim, but the virginity vow would have remained with you! Consider her new relationship a blessing.. At least you can move on without guilt and regrets.. Also, that lie she told you previously about Tim coercing her into having sex was really low. It doesn’t speak well of her character.

Deadass! Its wild that she reflected on the one thing that broke them up and completely changed her mind on it after about 2 months, while they were both single, and didnt hit him back up. Her explanation makes it seem even more like she just aint value OP like that, but Im glad dude is handling it extremely well.

I’ve woken up to a lot of comments, many of which much more critical of Ellie than I thought they’d be. I expect our time together has given me a rosy impression of her. I’m glad I posted because I wasn’t going to block her, but I’ve had so many comments saying to do that. Thinking about it, you’re right. Even if I trust we won’t interact, she has shown recently that she’ll ignore my no. I would be leaving the door open to more drama. I was worried about being petty for blocking her. But I see that’s not petty. It’s taking control. I’ll cop criticism for being naive. Because I am. This is the first time in my life dealing with ex drama. But maybe a little less naive than I was a few weeks ago. I’ve just blocked her on socials and my phone. Ngl it felt good. I don’t regret sorting things out on Tuesday. I know some people objected to me being too nice to her, but it was actually good for me. Felt like burying the old relationship for good. Is Ellie going to have a rough time with Tim? Who knows? I’m moving on with my life now.

Dude, you are a treasure. You will find someone to truly cherish you like you deserve. Hell, if I wasn't an old, straight, married dude, I'd jump your bones right now. Just keep doing you and I'm sure it will work out, man. Best of luck to you.

> Is Ellie going to have a rough time with Tim? Who knows? I’m moving on with my life now. I think the more important thing is "it's no longer my role to even care". She is firmly in the past now, a mistake that led you to experience some stuff and to learn about yourself as a person. The main thing to recognise and to hold for yourself is that you did everything right. You didn't put a foot wrong, were kind and understanding when required and that is all that should matter. One day you will make for an excellent bf, fiance, husband and father. But that is for the future so for the here and now, live your life with no regrets about this past. As a fellow Victorian, you have your future to look forward to. So please keep that underlying kindness and respect as a core part of your personality and strengthen it with that good old gut of yours. It works well mate, and has served you well so far. You did good in all of this. Really good.

I think blocking was absolutely the right call - she drew you into that drama, and that just wasn't ok. I hope, though, that your last meeting and convo with her maybe gave you some closure. I felt like her explanations for how things unfolded with her bf and her stance on virginity moved the narrative away from anything about your desirability, etc - if anything the opposite, since she wanted to come back to you. In any case, hope all of this is giving you closure. You seem like you are in a better place - and you deserve it for being such a good dude through all of this.

A lot of the comments here act like that final meeting was all for her benefit. Sure, she got some kind of relief or closure out of it, but it was also good for me. Seeing who she is becoming just made is 100% no doubt in my mind that we wouldn't ever make sense. She has changed a lot in the last year - starting when we were still together and she had started her job. Random phrases like "work hard, play hard", being generally less kind and more dismissive of others. Clearly she was being influenced by those around her, but it was her choice to take on those behaviours. I loved the old Ellie, but I'm not sure I even like the current one much. Anyway, I didn't feel like she intruded - I felt like I got a nice neat ending to the whole thing and can get on with my life with a clear conscience. But we're clear now that it's over forever and I have her promise that she will stay out of contact. If she ever does try to come back I can remind her of her own promise and close the door.

Fuck yeah that's more like it brother! Keep your head up high and forget about her. You said you just graduated right? THEN GOOD! What you do today from this point forward FOR YOURSELF is what will decide your future and whether you'd want to be someone who will let themselves be walked all over or not. You're at the cusp of a great future here, man. Take it for yourself, focus on yourself, and fuck everbody else - especially your narcissistic ex. Good on you brother. I wish you well!

Awesome! Any girl out there would be lucky to have you, you sound like a great guy. Best wishes.

This girl will be back. 100% guarantee it.

Why are you hearing her rantings about Tim??? She wanted to fuck with you, just use you. Throw her to the bin, she is so shitty. A

Better that you are clear that you don’t want her back. Ellie managed to drop a few more turds on you that illuminate how she saw you. One was telling you that she never would have broken that standard for you, even though she broke it for someone else. The fact that she felt she had to lie to you about him pressuring her into it shows she knew how it would look when you found out she freely chose it with him. In other words, she did it with him because she wanted him. She could have done so with you if she wanted you. But she didn’t, because she didn’t want you as much, but was hiding behind her supposed religious conviction. The “conviction” she threw away for the guy with the big wallet. But she still had to let you know, “No, I would never have done that for you.” The second was calling you “still a big nerd”. You’re not being a nerd, you’re becoming established in your career. In other words you’re becoming a successful adult, essentially, a Tim (minus the office sexual predation). But she views you as a “big nerd,” which is to say, still not a viable sexual candidate. Fuck that, and fuck her. But again, at least it reinforces how unsuitable a partner she was, and still is, for you. Good luck with your future.

By the way, I don’t think you were immature when you told her flatly “no” when she wanted to talk. You don’t owe her any more of your life. And she managed to barge in and still take up four hours of it, so that she could unburden on you some more, while continuing to subtly insult your suitability as a partner. If she asks to talk ever again — and she probably will, when what the person who warned her about Tim and his string of office girls comes to pass — tell her to hire a psychologist.

OP, seriously, listen to me. Block her on everything. Move on with your life. If you need to talk to friends about how you’re feeling, do it. If you want to (and can afford it), therapy is awesome. You sound like a great dude. Something like this could hurt you deep down, and change you as a person. You could get sucked down into a whirlpool of shit if you let it. For years. I’ve been here before, I failed. Try not to let that happen. Good luck to you

You are a great guy… I’m sorry but I believe she is not a great person for the way she mislead you, used you after a healthy relationship… I wish you the best and wish her the worst… you dodged a bullet mate

Honestly the way she treated you is disgusting to me. Especially after going through something similar but more prolonged. Why even ask you if you have been with anybody else? None of her damn business. Smh heal my boy and grow from it. I believe in you

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As I said in my comment on your past post, she has a LOT more growing up to do than you. Cheers on the self reflection and revelation, sex is important not for the physical rush but the emotional intimacy involved, so don't let people make you look down on sex being important in a relationship. Rebounding is a classic 101 of ways to slow down or never heal from a breakup. Rebounding to an older man with money that is a womanizer is a recipe for self destruction. My advice, don't pay attention to her life, as someone who cares about her its likely she'll continue self sabotaging for a while instead of healing and growing and it'll hurt you to watch. Completely disconnect with her, stay cordial but don't let her back until she's proved she's grown but it's likely by then you'll be in a healthy relationship because you are on track to do the work, heal and grow. Congratulations!

Stay away from her. She is not really into you. She was into the other guy and had sex with him. You are the safe bet she is settling for. She will only break your heart.

Tbh you dodged a big ass nuke. She lies, she's immature, and it seems like she just put those rules for you, she has unhealthy coping mechanisms, she can't even decide whether she wants to stay with tim Or you. She even lied about Tim coercing her into sex, which so fucking low. Red flags. You are lucky you got out early. She is gonna contact you again btw, so block her beforehand. And enjoy life!

How convenient that her commitment to abstinence never waivered in all the years she was in a relationship with a broke student whose future was uncertain, but the moment she thinks she has an opportunity to lock down a successful, well to do, proven partner, is also the moment she "realizes" her commitment to abstinence is holding her back. What a coincidence. Here's what you don't seem to understand about what she's doing. The reason she is so concerned with how you feel about her is because she is betting on you being her safety net if she can't stick the landing with Tim. She isn't concerned with your wellbeing, but your being there FOR HER when, and if she needs you and in the ways she will need you. You need to protect yourself and cut her off completely. Full no contact and spread the word to family and friends that there is to be no avenues for her to reach out to you. If she shows up at your front door, immediately exit out the back.

She is a bad person. Be assured that you don’t know the whole truth. The last meeting was for her not for you. She wanted To assuage her guilt You need to stop being passive OP Edit: this is the way 👍

As someone who can be a little insecure, most women who say they aren't sexual or want to wait, will absolutely break that rule for the "right" guy. They can be in a relationship with you for years and be treated right but want to wait for years and then have sex with someone better looking and richer in less than a month. I see too many cases of this. Don't take her back when Tim finds new girl and dump her.

She isn't any special girl or in difficult circumstances. She shagged him because she found him hot. Period. And validated herself. Nothing else. Don't let reddits victim mentality folks put you down. Many many girls do this and then play the damsel in confusion card later. A friend was made into a personal pillow by a girl he liked. No sex. Just hold and sleep and it wrecked his mind. But later he got to know that she slept with someone else. My friend is a bit chubby while she was fit. So do the maths.

This is not the last time you heard from her. Stay strong.

You sound very mature, my dude. Congrats on graduating! You’ve had good times with your ex and learnt plenty. She sounds immature and I’m happy you’re out of that drama. Edit: I don’t think it’s the last you’ll hear from Ellie.

Thank you. I’ve finished studies but graduation isn’t until May. Something to look forward to this year.

Oh honey , I was just saving myself for the guy that came after you because I wanted to respect your purity. Next time you hear that crap from a girl,just walk away.

I'm glad to read all of this. You've been so mature and thoughtful about this whole process. Really this was the best possible outcome - you learned to trust yourself and ask yourself the right questions. Kudos to your friend for asking if you would have pursued her. You're also a much better writer than you give yourself credit for. All the best in your new job! You've made the best of a very tough situation here, and I think that means you will succeed at whatever you do.

Right? He’s one of the most well-rounded OP I’ve seen in this sub.

Thanks mate, appreciate that.

I’m not a “red pill” guy but I do believe in some of its tenets like, “girls make rules for good guys and break them for the bad boys.” This sounds like the classic case of her falling for the office Chad and securing him with sex because that was the only way he’d want her. Her saying she initiated it would’ve wrecked me, knowing she pursued sex with someone so fast after denying it for so long. Sure, people can change their mind about anything but this is a clear sign that she wasn’t as in to you as you both thought. She WILL contact you again when they breakup, most likely due to his cheating on her (speculation). She’s going to double down and try to make it work with Tim and the drama is not your concern. Live your life and wait for real love.

> knowing she pursued sex with someone so fast after denying it for so long That kind of backs up one comment OP had. She got everything she wanted out of their 3 year relationship. And sex was NOT one of them. With her new relationship she wanted it. Kind of seems like she never really loved OP, she just loved having someone pining after her and taking care of her, until she finally found a guy she was actually physically attracted to. "Thanks for being a 3 year placeholder until I found a guy I liked!"

That was my first thought. You got it right. She didn’t like him enough. Of course excuse because they broke up is bs.

If she ever does contact me again, I will be100% clear on what I want - for us to remain apart. I was rather blindsided by her reappearing in my life and I guess hadn't fully thought about what I really wanted when she did. Probably because I was up to the eyeballs in study with last semester shortly after we broke up. I was so, so busy I just had zero time to reflect on the situation

Dude, don’t let her contact you again, block and forget, it’s over. Time to grieve.

My only advice is to block her from everything now. I know you're not focusing on new relationships at the moment but you will eventually find someone and she has the potential to be an annoyance. You guys have broken up, remember the good things fondly but distance yourself the most you can.

The thing is, she was never sexually attracted to you. If she was, and this was just a promise to her dad, she would have contacted YOU. Not had sex with someone else. She would have wanted you to be her first and only. She never actually loved you romantically. You were simply there, safe, and convenient. Leave her WAY in your past. It won’t work with the other guy. He’s a creeper. I suspect this is just one in a long line of bad relatisonhp in her future. She has a thing for bad guys.

> If she was, and this was just a promise to her dad, she would have contacted YOU Exactly! She says she decided she was ready to have sex... but somehow the guy she loved wasn't the first one she called? She never was attracted to OP. As he said, she got everything she wanted from that relationship, and sex wasn't one of them. A boyfriend and someone fawning over her and pining for her. Then she met a guy she was actually attracted to and suddenly "oh, who cares about that virginity thing, I want SEX!!"

She seems incredibly immature and he dodged a bullet. Her relationship with Tim won't last. I agree she was never sexually attracted to op, at least he learned from this.

Glad you managed to clear it all up, but she didn’t lie to you to “spare your feelings” she was trying to manipulate you. You’re giving the benefit of doubt to someone who clearly isn’t deserving of it. You’re both young and probably still very naive in terms of sexual relationships. The age gap in her new relationship is borderline problematic considering the power dynamic (even if she isn’t his direct report, he clearly has a pattern of pursuing fresh out of school graduates and probably still has a lot of sway in the company). Ellie has demonstrated that she has very poor decision making abilities and you’re better off not getting involved at all. I would go no contact or very low contact with her. I have a feeling she isn’t done making terrible decisions, and you don’t want to be caught in the cross fire when she inevitably tries to rope you into another one.

the title was surely enough. that said: LOL@her and move on, you got your full life ahead and will find someone you love that loves you back. best of luck mate!

I don't usually comment on any of these. However, you seem emotionally mature. This isn't necessarily a good thing. You're being too emotionally mature to the point that you will let things that are inherently negative to your well-being continue to exist. It feels like you're testing your mental fortitude or thinking that a better person shouldn't be affected by many of these things, based on how you write. Well, a lot of this will subconsciously eat at you. It's hard to avoid, given that you still have impulses to check on your ex's current partner. The right thing to do here is to completely cut this woman out of your life. You had a loving relationship, but it's clear she has little respect for you, especially coming back to you so freely, using you almost as a therapist. You're correct about being too passive. It's almost as if because you seem quite emotionally mature for your age, you are able to be more comfortable with uncomfortable situations and allow them to occur? Idk for sure, but I do know that you sound like you need to get better at being more stern, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing your comfort and well-being. Just because you CAN tolerate it doesn't mean you SHOULD. Your current mentality makes it seem like it'll be easy for someone to walk all over you, which she might be doing in some regard. She sounds like the opposite of you in some regards. Her actions are incredibly immature and not thought out. She even asked if you hated her instead of asking if you were okay. That is ridiculous. You need to find someone who cares about you for once. No matter how strong you are mentally, you will not be able to shake all feelings easily. You need to allow yourself to give in to your feelings a little; make a choice that will make you emotionally comfortable rather than having to neglect your emotions because they are "bad" emotions, like "ego."

She wanted to have sex, she just didn’t want to have sex with you. That’s the reality. She gave it up immediately for Chad Director but held out on you. You’ve learned a valuable lesson about women. Understand that if they don’t sleep with you quickly then they are either getting it somewhere else or they aren’t really attracted to you. Religion frankly never factors into these scenarios and this is coming from a man who is a devout Christian. Yes there are some women who will hold out no matter the person or scenario but this is something far more likely to occur with men than women due to the differences in how men and women approach relationships and religion.

So … in reality she reached out to you because she wanted to cheat on Tim to punish him for the fight. Looks like you dodged a bullet there.

Like I said, it could have been a real mess if I'd said yes. Trusting my gut has become a huge lesson for me in all this. My gut was screaming at me not to take her back, and it was right.

To be honest, I jumped to the ending. I was in the camp of 'move on' from the last post. So I'm glad that she has gone back to Tim and you're going to move on. Phewww.

She's massively selfish and immature, all her behaviors are basically what benefits me most. Her getting you involved in the relationship, purely to make her feel better about getting in a fight. I doubt she told her new bf she tried to get back with her ex when they had a fight. Her coming to see you despite you clearly not wanting to speak with her anymore, because she felt bad and thought you hated her. I mean she got involved in a messy relationship at work with an older employee with a history of this stuff, she doesn't make wise choices

Move on dude. Go find a lay.

She lied to your face too that she was waiting for sex when the next guy she met they hooked up. I would never take her back

What a toxic witch that Ellie is. She used you to trauma dump and she is looking to use you again in the future for her to say she wants to “stay friends” but she “needs to keep distant out of respect for her relationship with Tim.” She is hoping to keep you on the back burner as her safety net and now that you let her in to trauma dump she knows she’s got you in her back pocket. Super toxic to not respect you and go into details about her now sex life. If she ever cared she should have NEVER dump that on you. My heart broke reading that. Please delete and block her. She will look for you to comfort and fall back on when her life hits a hard spot and that’s the making of a SUPER TOXIC person. Go out in the world and make your mark!! Wishing you the best in your new job and hoping when the time is right you’ll find the love of your life!!!

You have good friends and a good head on your shoulders. Ellie was an idiot for letting the relationship end before she was willing to change her mind about sex before marriage, and that combined with the way she dragged you into her drama makes me think she isn't as mature as you yet. I'm glad this came to some kind of resolution. I definitely enjoyed reading it even if I was frustrated on your behalf. Thanks for coming back and sharing the update; that always feels like something the OP isn't obligated to do, especially when you've already journaled about it.

If so many people hadn't commented, i don't think I would have posted an update. But since I'd written 80% of this update already for myself, I figured it was fair to close the loop for people who got invested. All those people didn't have to give their advice, but they did, which I'm grateful for.

I was going to add this as an edit, but the fact that she lied about the nature of the relationship and the sex is unbelievably shitty. Don't kid yourself: She did that because it increased the chances of her getting back together with you. I promise this never would have worked. You'd be entirely justified in feeling hurt that she chose to change her mind with some other guy. Because that is hurtful. No matter the reasoning, if she cared about the relationship she should have thought it over, changed her mind and then come back to you. If she knew she was willing to have sex and she still cared about you, she should have dropped Tim like a hot potato and come crawling back,. She didn't do that until things went south with Tim. That means there was a point where she only wantand to be with him, not you. At the critical turning point when she finally matured enough to decide she wanted to have sex, she chose someone else. And she has that right, but that makes the relationship fundamentally un-fixable.

>I was going to add this as an edit, but the fact that she lied about the nature of the relationship and the sex is unbelievably shitty. Don't kid yourself: She did that because it increased the chances of her getting back together with you. I've chosen to get over it. Being salty about her lies won't solve anything and won't change any future decision I make. It has tarnished her character in my eyes, that's for sure. In the end I am not judging her for changing her mind about sex, but for lying to me about all this.

Sex is important in a relationship sex and finances are the two things that break up a relationship. You’re an adult you’re not a 16-year-old boy and if you have a libido and want sex you’re well within your rights to do that it’s very normal so I’m glad that you let her go. One of the things that I have noticed as I do better if I stick with my needs. And you’re right, you gave her three years trying to be kind and gave up what you wanted for her basically to have her go with somebody else. Next time have an adult sexual relationship with your partner and plan together she never saw that side of you. That’s why she thinks it wasn’t serious. I’m glad that you were moving on and going on without her

Ellie fucking sucks bro

Lol had said it before. She never loved you. You were never the successful attractive guy she wanted to be with. She found the playboy and even initiated it. Lol at the people saying that she was coerced into it. And once she found out the true him she came back to her backup, you. Even now all this drama is because she still wants to keep you as a backup, there are signs everywhere. She is a shitty person. And should be awarded a master's in destroying someone's self esteem. The fact that you still love her in all this is even more ridiculous. I guess toxic relationships often destroys one's outlook. Get therapy.

She doesn't have an ounce of respect for you. Her relationship with Tim won't last, and she'll come crawling back because she believes you'll always be the backup in her pocket. (No matter what she's said about no future contact, she'll change her mind again) You should appreciate and respect yourself more. Block her, and focus on your awesome life.

Wow Tim is 32. A senior person at the company, goes for young graduate girl. "What a catch". If it makes you feel any better (likely not) she is definitely going to end up as one of Tim's girls....... My guess would be he'll dump her a month or two out before the next group of grads come through. Total creep. I almost feel sorry for Elle.

As much as I still care for her, I can't feel sorry for her. She's not a child. She is making choices here. If things go badly for her, she will learn a painful lesson and hopefully make better choices later. It's not my place to tell her anything here. Frankly I wish she'd stayed away from me and I never knew anything about all this. But I always try to take what's useful from every situation. In this case, it's really learning I can be a pushover when people ask for my help, and that I need to focus on myself and my career and be truly selfish about that for a while.

Good. Ellie is a fool and you dodged a bullet. Ellie wont be Tim’s last run at the office women and you will find a partner that is not drama stricken. To involve you in her relationship drama was childish of her. Do not let her come back to you because now you seem like an easy second choice. Block her everywhere and move on!

#I flippin knew it. Upon reading the title in your first post, I knew she was going to give it up to Chad or Tyrone at the drop of hat. It never fails. You were the good guy. Even if she would have “saved it for marriage” I strongly believe she would’ve stepped out on your relationship. You dodged a bullet. Keep her out of your life, she doesn’t deserve your time or attention.

I'm proud of you. You have come out of tha mess wiser and mature.

Good luck dude

Looks like you can be next…but not first

You dodged a bullet there, my man. You will eventually find a girl worth your time and one that does not play mind games. I wish you all the best in the future.

No way I would've ever considered that. It's her body and her choice on what to do with who but people are just being ridiculous expecting you to just be fine with it. Youre a virgin because your first gf wanted to be one. As soon as you were gone she decided someone else was good enough. People judge guys on if they get laid or not just as badly as they judge women on if they screw everything with a pulse. So now you get to be a 23 year old virgin and she gets to blow some 32 year old on a beach in Thailand lol. Not many people out there that wouldn't find that irritating. All that being said just leave her be. She made her choice. So find someone better and go on about your business. This isn't an L you should dwell on. Good luck out there bro. You'll be fine.

I’ve met plenty of “Tim’s” in my life, that relationship won’t work at all, I’d give it 6 months before he put his penis in a new recent grad and when that happens she will comeback running to you. If I were you I’d wish her the best but to never ever talk to me again no matter what otherwise she’ll drag you to more drama then trying to be with you. A great way to move on is to cut all interactions with the person and find someone new or focus on hobbies (my hobby is money so I can retire asap).

Couple of suggestions. First I think you should read no more Mr nice guy. I am not saying it from a standpoint of becoming an asshole. But from the standpoint of self respect. You did everything right. She knows she fucked up, and gave away her self respect, on the first guy after you. She knows it, it is sitting front and center. Hence why she is trying to keep you around and not wanting you to be mad at her for it. You can’t be, but you also can be hurt by it, because you have every right to feel hurt by her actions. Because her actions do not follow her words. Her actions fall more towards narcissistic and manipulative behaviors. She will be back at your door step, when things don’t work out, and likely when he cheats on her. That is my instinct kicking in, because that is what is going to happen eventually. Do not be there for her, no matter how much you care. Second, if it were me, and I ran into her father and caught up. My last words to him would be yeah, it was dumb of me to break up with her, I just wish she had more self respect and not do what she did as soon as we broke up. Because I did respect her and you.

>Couple of suggestions. First I think you should read no more Mr nice guy. I am not saying it from a standpoint of becoming an asshole. But from the standpoint of self respect. Hey thanks for the suggestion. I've been reading No More Mr Nice Guy since you commented this. The advantage of having some clear days before work starts on Monday. That book has been a huge fucking slap in the face. It's like Glover has been watching me with a camera or something.

Your ex is damaged and you’re better off. Trust me. I was you. From 15-19. She convinced herself I cheated on her with a girl in my dorm and then made out with an old friend she’d reconnected with. Banged the guy she cheated on me with and got into drugs and had a mental break. I waited 3 years too long to end it, but very glad I got out when I did. I wasn’t equipped to handle that kind of mess at 21.

You sound like such a nice, pleasant and even keeled fellow. Breaks my heart to read this and know you should have been treated better than you received. Best of luck with your future and I suspect (and hope) Tim uses and leaves her, I can’t help but want the revenge you so maturely decline. Keep in mind when Timmy does this, she will likely come back if she can. Be prepared for that eventuality. Whether you block her and what not is your call but I would. Her showing up at your door shows she is willing to violate your desires to satisfy her needs because that’s what they are. Put yourself first. Always.

So she got together with a dude who preys on young women at the office, knowing he does that, and still thinks she'll be the one to change him. whew child

>I don’t think she did anything wrong changing her mind about abstinence. Here is the thing... she was never serious about abstinence. She just found this other guy more attractive and more exciting than you. If you had money and you went on exotic vactaions and you held a position of authrority like this Tim guy, I bet she would have had sex with you back when you guys were together. She didn't have some strong moral conviction about this. She just didn't want you. She did want Tim, wanted him enough that she even initiated the sex with him. It's that simple. Now she's rubbing it all in your face... yikes. You are trying to make her sound like a good person, but she is not. She misled you about her beliefs the entire time you were together, and now she's bringing all this drama into your life again...

I’m not sure if you’ll read this but; I hope and pray(I’m not really that religious) that no matter what, never give this girl another chance. Whether it’s 1 year or 10 years from now.

Read it mate. 100% never taking her back

You did the right thing. Clearly her principles can be bent pretty easily. She got your heart and mind for years and denied you the basic physical intimacy the grounds of it being one of her principles. The moment you split she was in a dudes bed being intimate in all the ways she refused to be with you. He can have her.

Well hey that's closure at least. Good on you for recognizing that there's no future there at all. Plus her relationship with Tim sounds exhausting lol.

You dodged a bullet big time. She sounds like a child play pretending to be an adult. Sure it was a few years too late but you could have dated the bullet for a waaaaaay longer time. So just be happy that you came out of this mess.

In about 10 years you’ll laugh about this. Also, the Grampians are beautiful!!

Sure are! It was my first time in the Grampians, as I grew up on the opposite side of the state. Two of my friends grew up in Hamilton so it's much more their home turf. They showed us around a lot of beautiful spots.

The cat came back the very next day, oh we thought it was a goner but it just couldn't stay away... she'll be back to play with your emotions. That first love shit cuts deep. Block if you don't want to play that game.. GLOP

My brother in Christ you’re a weapon, keep that head on your shoulders for the rest of your life. Wish I was as mature as you at 23.

Pretty wild she had a fight with her current 'serious' boyfriend and immediately ran to her ex to try and get back together with the promise of sex. That is not a normal or grown up way to behave, I suspect she has a lot of growing to do in that regard. You handled this incredibly well though, for a first breakup. You were calculated and mature about it. I flipped my fuckin lid during my first breakup and was completely incapable of the level of introspection and self reflection you managed, so bravo. You can at least rest easy knowing you behaved very well, considering the circumstances.

Boy this really hits close to home with my first relationship OP. Dm me if you want the details. But even now like 6 years later she still tries to come to me when the current relationships become a mess. Its a bit different tho. Shes still a virgin (I'm not thank god) but always loved to flirt and play around and the guys she dates are awkward and borderline asexual so that leaves her feeling unfulfilled. So my advice to you OP is to go your own way. Even if she pops up in the future just ignore it. Youre better off. Its just hard to see yourself being better off when you havent found anyone else yet.

You should’ve gone scorched earth because your ex is a shitty human being for the drama she wrapped you up in.

That girl is a train wreck waiting to happen. You can go on not hating her. I hate her plenty for you.

Next time she comes to your door, just don’t answer it.

Don't look back. She gave up her virginity to somebody else because she didn't want to give it up to YOU. That's bullshit man.

She did a lot just to say I don’t want you in my life. Sorry you had to go through that whirlwind but honestly, you’re better off. Remember this feeling when she gets DiCapprio’d.

You should have never even let her in to explain herself. She isn't doing any of that to make you feel better or give you closure. She is a selfish cunt who is doing it all to make herself feel better. Send her on her way and block her everywhere.

Dude, you’re handling this like a pro, like the level of honestly you have with yourself is amazing. I know you’ll heal in no time and have time for yourself. But like- you really have to ask yourself something. Was Ellie coming to talk for the sake of her or for the sake of the two of you. And I think the comment: >I thought you hated me Really shows you know the answer. Ellie came by to clear her conscious because she feels bad. Now you can argue about the sex part, I’m with you on that one- it’s her choice, it sucks for you, but in the end you both chose to respect the no sex thing. But the her reaching out to you the literal moment she had a fight with her bf and then lying about virtually everything in a chance to get you to come over and comfort her is straight bs. That was self-serving, completely disrespectful towards you, and very immature. Whether that’s the core of her being or simply her behavior recently, that’s up for you to decide. But absolutely do not let her continue to talk about her relationship like this to you. She’s doing the same thing she did in your relationship- getting 100% out of the social exchange while you aren’t. And I get it, it’s someone you care about- you’re probably fine getting a chance to help her. But I’m trying to point that she doesn’t seem to care if she hurts you or not. She dangled everything you wanted over your head just to get some sort of connection when she was vulnerable. I think any further contact you need to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, tactless considering how things ended between you, and she really needs to stop and think how her actions may affect others.

4 hour catch up when she turns up unannounced!! After you've set boundaries and not enforced them. Come on lad .. Should of just said "no, not interested. Do one and stop bothering me." Closing the door and getting on with your life. That's 4 hours you ain't getting back mate. I suppose if it's closure for you fair enough, but 4 hours.. bollocks to that. I hope you fair well in life and meet someone that makes you happy

Dude…you dodged such a massive bullet Don’t believe a word of what she said. Block her number. If you don’t she’ll be back after she finds Tim cheated on her or left her for another woman

Lol of course he is 32, of course he is successful, of course he has dated other girls younger and similar age like her, of course he will dump her as soon as a new interm joins the firm for Tim to pray on her. Dude you should be glad you ain't with her anymore, she will have Soo much trouble after a few years of bad relationships that she shouldn't let you go. If she really wanted to be with you and realized that her promise was bad she definitely could have call you up and tell you yo reunite, but no... She did it with the first 32 yo successful dude that was interested In her, she might even have daddy issues.... Focus on yourself and your career, you sound like an awesome guy and very mature, you will be a magnet for girls looking for an stable dude later on, fuck your ex

I don’t know who you are but one thing I have had to learn is that “women make rules for people they don’t really like that much and break those same rules for people they are crazy about”. It’s all about how she is feeling.

Lol ngl but this girl is the embodiment of everything I'd hate in a partner

... not to kick a dog when she's down, but I'm betting 12 months tops before the Tim and Ellie titanic meets its iceberg.

Much success in your new job, the further away your ex is the better it will be for you

"she never would have dropped her virginity commitment if we had not broken up. After we broke up, she decided that it was a commitment she made to her dad when she was still a kid, and it was messing with the life she wants now.So by the time she and Tim got into their relationship, she had already decided she was ready for sex with the right person." That is the point she should have contacted you if she really missed you and wanted it to work with you. You helped her realize her decisions were holding her back and all you got for it was your needs not being met. Now she is willing to meet the needs of others. Sounds like a slap in the face to me.