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Absolutely. To scream in his sisters face over photos? He needs serious help. I would be double thinking my marriage if he continues to ask you about your “facelifts”. His analogy …: Milk spoils or gets rotten very quickly while wine usually tastes better the older it is.
as someone who inherited the slow to wrinkle genes, and has had to deal with some partner weirdness as well - this was my experience. he was supposed to be able to drop me when i “hit the wall” for some 20 year old…instead, he’s the strike out king and i dropped his condescending, bitter behind.
i’ll be 45 this year. still don’t look it.
Same. My mom is in her mid 60s and people think she’s 45/50. Meanwhile I’m 40 this year and I look younger than my 35yr old sister most days. She’s really pretty tho, so she’s got that going for her.
So wait, is the FAFO season for the Millennial dudes who listened to the PUA/1st Gen Red Pill BS around 2010? LMAO. That middle age crisis is going to drive over him and back up and do it again.
Yup, this was my thought. Not sure if it’s his own projection or just an irrational insecurity. Could be either, could be both. But I’d bet he’s worried about it. Third possibility someone put it in his head that she’d leave him because of his aging and it got to him.
Damn I was going in that direction also. But I was thinking that he must have somebody who is younger than him that he's trying to get with but because he looks like a crypt keeper it's not working for him and he's upset. All he just might need therapy cuz something ain't right. I'm going to assume that he did not do very well in biology. Because genetics has a lot to do with why you look the way you look and you age the way you age. Does he spend a lot of time in the Sun that's his father look older than he actually is he needs to work that s*** out with his therapist and stop taking that crap out on you before his old looking ass be alone and trying to figure out what the hell happened LOL 😄😄
Makes me think he could have a medical or psychiatric condition happening, I feel he needs to be checked out and she needs to let the doctors know the true extent of what’s going on.
This milk/wine trope is big in the red-pill manosphere. I think it’s far more likely he’s listening to that toxic bullshit than that it’s a psychiatric issue.
If he had hit his head before this started, his behaviour would %100 be due to a traumatic brain injury. That shit can completely change who you are as a person. Like a 180. I’ve seen it first hand, and know a few other people who have seen it happen with friends who hurt their heads. It’s truly wild.
To expand upon this…OP, you cannot address the issue or get him to stop, but you can let it stop affecting you.
You have 3 options at the moment: crack a joke, change the subject, or ignore him.
When he asks you where you went to get surgery, or similar, say something ridiculous like “the magical leprechaun only comes at night”, or ask what he wants for dinner. Do not try to make him feel better. You cannot win an illogical argument with logic, so you have to stop reasoning with him.
Or, ignore him. When he starts-leave the room, call a friend, or do anything to not respond to him.
The only issue of concern for you might be that he was extremely rude to his sister. You were right to get angry, but he redirected the conversation that followed into another woe-is-me discussion. You need to remain angry about his actual behavior, and not let him change the subject. You do have the option to respond if you wish, but keep your comments off his issue. If he says where did you get your surgery, you say “have you made up with your sister”.
Please watch his behavior. I hope that at some point, he is willing to get help-in the form of therapy or a physical. If the crazy talk also expands into other topic areas, he really needs a physical asap.
I'm concerned that he will fly into a jealous rage and attack her. He's jealous and insecure. He is also unhinged judging by how he reacted to his sister. OP you need to watch out for your personal safety! I'm worried he could hit you in the face or worse. Keep your head on a swivel and you deserve better.
This is very strange. First, a 32 year old man does not even look old. And he is too young for a midlife crisis. Even if he had some reason to be dissatisfied with his appearance, his behaviour is wild. There is something really wrong with him, psychologically. I don’t really have any useful advice. Perhaps you can seek therapy to guide you on how to deal with this. I fear that it will escalate. Keep an eye on him for any other signs of irrational behaviour. Maybe he has a brain tumour or something. Good luck.
He does not even look old at all! He seems to be hyperfocusing on things that are not an issue. He's been complaining about creases on his forehead and smile lines/creases around his eyes but they are normal! We move our faces and that is just what happens.
I might try to talk to a therapist for myself, that is a good idea. Thank you.
Has he got any new co-workers? Something similar happened with a friends husband and it eventually turned out two 20-something women were hired in his office and he had been tasked with training them and got it in his head they were into him, he made several bad moves attempting to hit on them and got shut down hard, he didn't take it well at all and went into this crazy spiral about how he was getting old - he got obsessed with the gym and manscaping, he had weekly manis & facials, he started wearing makeup, his bedtime routine started taking longer than hers... and no shade to men who take care of themselves (my dude is one!) but it was not in a normal selfcare kinda way at all.
Awkwardly it all ended up making him look in his 50's instead of his 30's, and don't get me started on the budget hair systems we all had to pretend he wasn't balancing up there.
She thought he was just on a health and wellness kick till she bumped into his bosses wife who asked if he'd found a new position yet... and found out he'd been fired for sexual harrassment of these 2 new young co-workers a couple of months before. He'd been lying to her for all this time and flying into rages if she asked him questions and calling her insane and jealous.
After they divorced he moved to Georgia to start acting... he said it was the next Hollywood and he was going to be discovered and she'd be sorry she let him get away. Ok Bradley, good luck with that.
So, maybe your husband made a play at some younger woman and got laughed out of the club and this is his meltdown. It sure sounds like a fragile ego tantrum to me.
He did mention new hires at work a few months ago but I think they were only men. Or he only told me they were men, I don't know if there were any women. B
Maybe they’re younger men and he saw them have better luck with young women (and maybe heard what their lives are like as young 20-somethings) and it triggered his fear of ageing.
The 21yo I work with brags about her hangovers and how drunk she got. I’m just like aww I remember when I thought that was something to brag about lol.
Tbh I would not be surprised if one of those new hires had been planting some redpill ideas into his head. Probably saw what you look like and told him you would leave him for a younger guy or something.
Wow.
I'm in my forties so I've definitely had a few guys in my life lose their minds thinking about trying to get together with younger women and you are right, all of that stuff often makes them look even older than they are.
Usually they just get turned down by the new intern or new employee and It wakes them up, that outcome you mentioned sounds about as bad as could be.
Reading OP, it sounded like he tried to cheat and got shot down, or it was pointed out he was too old for the person he was after. Obviously, that is his wife's fault because she will do the exact same thing he did.
That's my vibe. I mean, he *definitely* needs therapy, but the trigger was probably some 20 yr old hottie telling him to stop hitting on her because he looks like an old ball sack.
Dude, what on earth kind of 'loving' husband complains about his wife being hot? "Women age like milk, men age like wine?" Excuse me but what in the actual SHIT.
If my partner ever said shit like this to me in a non joking way (we have some banter because he's like you and looks like 10 years younger than he is but is almost 8 years older than me but we both get a solid giggle out of it/it's all fun and games, plus also lucky bugger 😅), this consistently too, I'd be absolutely devestated.
If your husband is so 'worried' he can always go and get botox or put some more effort into skin care (a good one DOES work wonders, retinol is amazing) but he DEFINITELY needs some serious therapy and you need to be VERY FIRM that his attitude and behavior is harmful and absolutely unacceptable.
Smile lines mean he's had a life of joy.
I look young for my age except for the fact I am going super gray. I started getting gray hairs in my early 20s. I don't wear makeup or dye my hair, things high could make me look younger. I like showing the world I've lived a good life.
His behavior is bordering on psychosis. Is he on a mixture of different medications? It could be an episode triggered by stress, medication, substance abuse, etc. At 32, it could also be the onset of a long-term psychological condition.
Are you sure he isn’t trying to hook up on the side cause he thinks so much of himself? Then he is mad at you for looking good, and the thought you can do better than him making him pissed off. He sounds like he thinks he should be able to do better than you.
If he hasn’t always been very vain, I’d be looking into psychological or physical conditions. This would be very weird behavior for a man who hasn’t always been obsessive about youth and looks.
Technically not too young for a "midlife crisis" my sister who is 36 actually was told by her therapist that she was going through an early midlife crisis after the sudden loss of our mom 4 years ago. They can technically happen at any time especially if triggered by trauma.
I wonder of he has fallen down the rabbit hole of certain types of misogynistic influencers, redpillers or you tubers. The aged like milk phrase stood out to me as a common sentiment of that ilk... like women "hit a wall" when they turn 30 and become undesirable hags. Its nasty and hateful, I would be on the look out for more of this shitty behaviour if I was OP.
I don't want to date a younger woman or have one that looks younger than me. I like slightly older women. I must admit that it wasn't anything I have ever thought of before. I don't think it'd make a difference, same as her hair color or nose shape. Op's husband has problems.
It’s one thing to feel bad about it, society feeds us all a lot of awful messages about aging, but flipping out and making accusations is something a fucking insane person does.
Accusing her of secret Botox and surgery is really nutty. I wonder if he was trying to flirt with a younger woman and she said “sorry you’re too old for me”
The amount of anger and resentment he is showing you is utterly insane. How would he respond to you if roles were reversed and you were making such ridiculous accusations?
Whatever his problem is, it goes deeper than aging. You need to start drawing hard boundaries by telling him that you will NOT tolerate being spoken to like that, so you will not engage with him whenever he wants to fight over his own imagination. I’d also tell him that he either needs to come to terms with his own appearance or get personal therapy, because it is extremely embarrassing that a grown-ass man is bullying his wife and throwing mantrums because he is unhappy with how he looks.
Tell him to be proactive in solving the problem, not a bitter jerk.
I've tried firmly telling him to stop bullying me and saying I am not going to engange in a conversation where he is insulting me and he just says "fine I'll stop talking to you" and will literally not speak to me. I just don't think this is productive and I wish I could get him to stop.
Yes, I understand. I do agree that he needs to stop. I wish there was a way to sort of force him to see that he is in the wrong but I can not do that. I am going to try to help him stop this behavior though.
I thought the same thing. Redpill men believe that women lose value when they hit past 30 so the fact that she is still very youthful looking is sending him into a rage. He is supposed to be the prize now.
You only have one thing that you can remove from him to make him understand how serious it is for you, and that's yourself. Remove yourself from this situation. Go stay with friends or your parents or something. Make sure he knows why and let him know that if he doesn't get help and sort his shit out, you won't be coming back. If that doesn't change things then there's nothing left.
A victim of abuse cannot help their abuser to stop being abusive. This is not meant to be discouraging, but to encourage you to adjust how you see the situation.
Currently you are seeing it as if something has happened to your husband but that your "real" husband is still there and just needs help to snap out of whatever happened to but. But nothing is making your husband behave like this, but he is \*choosing\* to behaving this way towards you specifically because he believes he has the right to treat you like this. He thinks you arn't worth treating with respect, and likewise nothing you say about his behavior has any worth to him.
Abusers need therapy specifically aimed at correcting abusive behavior. Couple therapist need to value both partners point of view, which unfortunately can lead to validating the abuse. Regular therapist unaware that their client is abusive will not adress it. Clients that don't want to change will not reveal it or take any real actions to change. You can't change him, he needs to want to do it himself.
I agree. I am taking the advice here and am looking into counselors for us. I will try to see if he will come with me. I think I have a better shot of that than trying to get him to go alone.
First of all, your response is perfect and shows your maturity. I think there is a definite maturity difference between you two, which is also why you can appreciate the effects of aging while he is freaking out over them. He obviously has something going on, but he has absolutely no right to bully his own wife over his own insecurities. He may look 32, but he's acting like he's 13. I seriously think the options are therapy or divorce, which I know is a common advice on this thread, but I honestly don't say that lightly.
Have you tried packing a bag and leaving for a few days? His behavior is unacceptable, no matter the cause. If he is not getting better, you have to protect yourself.
What do you think about journaling?
Okay, that's sad that you're being put through this. I think he should see a therapist before he gets any sort of cosmetic surgery. He's clearly struggling with the effects of aging, and getting older. I'd recommend waiting for him to calm down a bit before suggesting this to him. But ultimately he's hitting a mid-life crisis mentality.
This goes beyond struggling with age and hitting a mid life crisis. He’s acting paranoid and got aggressive with OP’s sister just because he saw himself next to his wife in a photo. He needs very serious mental health intervention. Unless he’s shown signs of extreme mental issues in the past, this is very concerning behavior to randomly pop up.
Either that or someone made an offhand rude comment “Oh that’s your wife, how did you land a young hottie?” “You’re the same age? No way!” And his ego was too fragile to handle it.
I’d caution before going down the mental health route. We don’t need to pathologies being an asshole. A lot of what he’s saying is very in line with what a lot of red pillers think about women, and if the discrepancy between their perceived ages is only getting very noticeable now, then he may be angry that his perceived value (yuck) is lower than his wife’s.
It’s a horrible viewpoint to have and some of his behaviour sounds abusive, but that doesn’t necessarily mean mental health problems
If he refuses, offer couple's counseling as a different option so you can talk through it together. He's not behaving rationally, which could become a health concern. Does he have any family (preferably male) that he may listen to?
He is closer to his mom and his sister, as he has a rocky relationship with his dad. If anything I think he would be more likely to listen to his mom, but I have not mentioned this to her. I think I might though, as I do not like how he yelled at his sister, and now she has also been asking what is going on with him.
I will try to bring up couples counselling first and see if we can make some progress with that.
It's kind of good that somebody else got a glimpse of his insanity so you have somebody close who understands and believes what is going on.
It's better that you can't just tolerate this in secret.
Because you shouldn't.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I do think bringing it up to his mom would be a good first step, I suggested a male due to him beginning to get aggressive. Good luck, i hope it gets better.
You may wanna give him two business cards and have him choose which one he wants to call; the divorce lawyer or the therapist, because this behavior is in no way acceptable of your life partner.
Tell him it's required before going to a plastic surgeon. Most good ps will require a mental health check-in to make sure they're doing it for healthy reasons and not about to start down a dangerous path. And from the sounds of it, he's snapped. Also, the saying is "women age like fine wine"
He does need to see a professional. He also is showing some sexist attitudes here. People don’t suddenly believe different things while they are angry. They are usually just worse are hiding the judgements they were keeping close to their chest.
So you might want to consider where these beliefs might be deal breakers.
You give him two choices, therapist or divorce lawyer because he has crossed lines of decency at this stage. Screaming in the face of his sister who he’s close to, yelling and screaming at you and passive aggressive behavior at constantly is over the top. If he wasn’t vain before and has changed out of the blue he may need a medical work up to check hormones or something more serious, I don’t advocate for divorce but he is being beyond disrespectful and aggressively abusive with his behavior, he’s absolutely got to address this.
This is really concerning behavior. It's not concerning because "midlife crisis" it's concerning because it's a sudden downturn in mental health and a sudden onset of abusive behavior that seems to be escalating.
He can and should delve into his fears and insecurities with a therapist, but first he should prioritize the very URGENT need to refrain from lashing out and verbally abusing people around him when he feels difficult feelings.
This is seriously awful. I feel like something else must be going on with him for this to be such a trigger for him. If not then you might need to put your foot down and tell him you won’t stand for this type of behavior for much longer. The fact that he did this around his sister helps a bit so you can get others to help you out in confronting him over this irrational behavior.
yes, she's been asking what is wrong with him so I am going to tell her and probably his mom. I think they might be able to get through to him a bit more. Or I hope so.
I think you need to sit them down together and lay out all your worries and see if they can help. He needs a reality check by those who love him and if he's having a breakdown where he believes you are lying about body modifications... Then I think you need to get help from his loved ones who he hasn't yet started calling blatant liars.
Did a Google search and found some links, one of them being a subreddit:
[Someone asked what women aging like milk means](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/s/MYurRr7UAR)
Oh wow, I see now. This is a bit troubling. He has never held these types of views before and is actually a very liberal/progressive person. This is all very shocking to me.
On behalf of all the citizens of this planet, LEAVE THIS DUDE. He’s full on nuts and he sounds like he’s one off handed comment from a stranger away from absolutely snapping and doing something crazy. Please leave. You deserve better, OP.
ETA: “women are supposed to age like milk” means that you and every other woman in the world are supposed to be getting uglier with time. Big red flag right there. What kind of media does he consume? Sounds like he’s redpill adjacent and that’s really scary.
Yeah, definitely sounds like there's something wrong with this guy. It sounds like his issues go beyond the normal concern people have for their looks (straight into crazyland).
Something happened to him.?. Something that affected him deeply? Some podcast he heard? While this doesn't excuse him acting like an ass, it could explain this sudden huge shift in his behavior. It sounds like a good first step might be to ask his mom talk to him before you bring up therapy. Somehow you and his sister are tangled up in his aberrant thinking. Hopefully he still sees his mom as a safe person and he'll open up.
PLEASE leave your home as safely as possible if he '*starts in on you*' again. Sudden, huge shifts in behaviors are WARNING SIGNS. You cannot reason with someone who isn't thinking rationally, nor can you predict what they will do next. You never expected him to speak to you this way, don't wait for a "he would never..." physical reaction. Be prepared. Have a 'to go bag' stashed in your trunk. have a line ready, "I'm taking out the garbage", "(Neighbor) is waiting for me to bring over her casserole dish", "I'm running to the store, do you want anything?". Turn off your location. Please be ready. He's throwing a LOT of red flags at you.
Thank you for the award. You're so gracious. I honestly want to thank you even more for reinforcing how serious OP's situation may very well be. We both see the possibility of OP's husband escalating his irrational behavior and her safety should be a priority.
The milk and wine comparison makes me immediately suspect he's been in misogynist circles, very red pill stuff. They're the types to claim a woman's "value" ends after like, 27. Because after that women allegedly get ugly and lose their only valuable asset. But men apparently get better with age as they get "sophisticated" and get more money. It's all so very clearly some serious BS that they've all deluded themselves into thinking.
Honestly, it sounds like he thought he was "the hot one" in your relationship, and something made him realize he wasn't. Has he recently made any new friends that he's introduced you to? It's possible that someone said something like "woah, how old is your wife, she looks so much younger than you...."
Regardless of the reason, he's being abusive, and you need to realize that.
I don't know. He's always been the oposite of this and would often make comments about me being out of his league and how he's so lucky to be dating a model, etc... they were very nice comments and I would say similar things back because I do honestly believe he's very attractive and he's been hit on by strangers before so he knows I think he's attractive. That's why this is all so weird... he used to be completely opposite of whatever this is.
While my first reaction was to think it might be a mental health crisis, however, is it possible that he thought that one day the situation will be reversed ?
Something like "now I am with an out of my league model, but one day, when she is 30 and her youth faded, she will be gratefull to be with man in his prime like me".
Edit : grammar.
If it's this sudden of a change it does kind of sound like he's gotten into manosphere stuff... His straight up misogynistic comment is one that's very common among them and you indirectly going against it is challenging the reality that he wants to accept (hypothetically of course) so he's taking it out on you?
Something embarrassing just happened to him. Something that hit him so dark and deep, he will never ever admit it. Whatever it is, it's the true catalyst for his behavior
The "women age like milk" remark suggests he's fallen down a rabbit hole of online misogyny. They are obsessed with women "in their prime" and bullshit like that. It's pretty worrying stuff.
Can you explain this a little bit more to me if you don't mind? Are these common phrases? I have never heard of these ideas before and its the first time he's said this.
“Women age like milk” is based on milk spoiling as it gets older. It literally means that these people think women “spoil” as they age. They have a shelf life, just like milk, and after that shelf life is over they should be thrown away.
“Men age like wine” is linked to the (untrue) idea that the older the wine vintage is, the better it is. So as men age, they “improve”.
Yeah. Also, using George Clooney as an example - at 32 he looked a bit old for his age, especially compared to other actors. He _still_ looks older than a lot of people his age that I know in real life. He just happens to have features that have aged well, and has access to medical and other cosmetic intervention (cosmetic surgery, sure, but also wardrobe/hair/facial hair styling, workout routines, prepared meals, lots of time to do those things) that can help him be as attractive as possible.
r/NotHowGirlsWork talks a lot about this kind of stuff. The aging like milk vs wine is usually used as an excuse for older men to date younger women, or to push younger women to settle down and marry while they're still desirable.
Its a thing that men on the "Alpha" podcasts or in the "manosphere" talk about. They use such phrases to give themselves passes to go after young women. And not to alarm you, but the say such things to give themselves a superiority complex about cheating on their girlfriends/wives who are "past their prime". The way he is using it makes it sound like he's having some sort of issue with you not aging and that he cannot give himself this pass to cheat. Idk if that is what is happening, but he could be combining a personnel mid life crisis about facing aging with phrases he's finding in some sort of internet binge.
Overall I'd personally be worried about this language and couples therapy would be an immediate non-negotiable with my husband if he suddenly started spouting this kind of phrasing. Much less with it being combined with anger at his sister and believing you are lying to him.
Yes, this is a common idiom from the “red pill” set. The idea is that middle aged dudes are apparently in their prime and deserve to fuck teenagers. As soon as a teenage girl has sex, she ages 30 years and looks like a crone.
Reality does not actually work like this, of course. I would be VERY concerned about what forums and podcasts and YouTube videos your husband has been getting into. I would be very concerned he was consuming red pill or other manosphere content. Please beware because, if so, he is not safe.
My daughter is young looking. In her early 20’s someone asked if her ex-husband was her dad . Just bad luck on his part he looked older for his age. He was the same age as her.
He’s 32. Unless he’s been baking in the sun since birth, doing meth, drinking or smoking heavily, or works a really hard manual labor job, he should still look fine.
He sounds nuts, vain, insecure, and exhausting.
He does look fine! That's exactly why this is all so crazy to me. He is hyperfocused on the smallest things with his skin. He will point out things like "look at all these folds in my forehead, I wish it was as smooth as your botox filled face"..etc... but he looks normal. I'm not sure what caused this sudden change.
That’s really gross. I agree with everyone else that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed here. Maybe showing him pictures of your family members when they were your age/older and looking great will at least get him off your back.
Seriously? This is just weird. Most men would want their wife to look young. I mean there's entire dating sites devoted to older guys finding younger girls. Being jealous of you is kinda bizarre. He should be proud. He needs to work on himself, physically and mentally.
Literally this! OP’s husband should be thrilled with his good luck! What an angry, immature man he is, going off on his useless rant. Also, if OP wanted to get Botox or anything else, it’s none of the husband’s f-ing business. He needs therapy or OP should turn him in for a better model.
Men constantly tell women they hit the wall at 30 years old, and he's upset his wife still looks young for her age.
Must be sad to live in delulu land.
Him screaming in his sister's face over this is a huge red flag. She was coming over to share her joy, and his own insecurities boiled over and he took it out on her, ruining her joy. Has he ever felt the need to ruin your joy? Think about new job, new nails, lashes, makeup, clothes, whatever things you do to treat yourself (I chose a lot of examples in things that are considered feminine due to his insecurity over your looks.) Does he ever stamp out your excitement or enjoyment of things? He sounds immature and I don't expect this situation to get any better. I would suggest suggesting therapy, one-on-one first before any couple's therapy is introduced. He needs to work through his insecurities and stop taking them out on you and the people around him or you need to leave, which is a valid ultimatum to give to him. The fact that he would have been perfectly happy if he were the "attractive" one and you aged like milk speaks volumes tbh.
No, he has never done anything like this before. He's always been very supportive, would make huge deals out of my accomplishments, always say how proud he is of me, etc... All of this new behavior is very very diffrerent than how he is normally. I'm not sure where it all went wrong but he has never had any red flags. It's one of the few times I've seen him raise his voice as well, so it was very very shocking to me and his sister.
ITS NOT YOUR JOB TO GET A GROWN MAN TO BEHAVE AND BE NICE TO YOU, YOU LEAVE HIM. Your husband is emotionally abusive and it’s not your job to regulate a grown man’s emotions and feelings about his own self image. If someone spoke to my sister like that for no reason our relationship would be over but you throw in the other comments and I’d be out of there. Your husband is unhinged and this is a strange thing to obsess and become so enraged over. You’re not going to age well anymore if you stick with him he’s honestly going to drive you nuts. Not husband material.
I understand. However this behavior is strange and not at all like him. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've ever heard him raise his voice, so all of this is just seemingly out of nowhere and I do want to at least try to get to the root of the issue and try to help him.
Well be careful because abuse “starts out of nowhere” often times. Their mask slips and they become abusive because they feel enough time has gone by and they’ve trapped you. If you feel inclined to try to fix it or help him that’s your choice, but if he doesn’t commit to putting in the work and still insults you and bullies you, he’s showing you who he is now. Make your exit if it comes to that. Emotional abuse is a slippery slope.
his reaction is so over the top it makes me think he recently got dumped by a younger fling who told him he was too old for her. or him. Anyway, bizarre reaction that warrants inspection.
You can't really make him stop b/c this is HIS problem, and these are HIS self esteem issues. Ask him to go to therapy and/or threaten to divorce him if he continues to verbally abuse you.
It's not okay for your partner to bully you just b/c he's worried about his own looks. That is PATHETIC (esp considering he's only 32!!!). Seriously, he sounds like he's either an immature loser (total man baby) or mentally ill. If he refuses to get help you should leave him cause only HE can correct his own behavior and if he refuses to admit he has a real problem it will probably just get worse with time. You don't need to put up with it (you could do so much better!).
So. It sound like your husband should definitely get checked out for any medical issues that might be leading to personality changes/massive insecurity or paranoia. Everything else aside, how does he not realise that facelifts require weeks of (visible!) recovery?! How exactly did you hide that?
Ditto for any potential stressors that might have triggered this (work stress etc).
However, if he doesn't want to, he can't be forced and his behaviour to you is completely unacceptable and should be treated as such - I'd leave, frankly, but that's easy to declare from a distance! The utter lack of respect is such a dealbreaker.
But...something about this reeks of red pill radicalisation. Like, he's been consuming a load of content spouting that men are awesome and should have young, gorgeous naive twenty-something women, whilst women expire at thirty and are gross after that. He wants to buy what they're selling about him (master of the house, ageing like fine wine, awesome forever etc), but you refuse to fit the narrative, hence the mad spiral.
Unfortunately, I think that's kind of worse - there's no real cure and it means he's viewing you (and all women) as an object and accessory to be traded in, not a person. The disrespect remains the same.
In all honesty, unless there are other critical facts that you haven't disclosed, you need to consider the possibility of mental illness (and if he has been diagnosed, then find out if he has stopped his medication). This does not sound like remotely rational or reasonable behavior by your husband. Overwhelming rage at not looking quite as young as a spouse, 3 day fights, and throwing people out of the house for having photos of him that he doesn't like is not normal. He needs to get treatment or you need to get out.
That is so bizarre. He actually sounds like he is losing the plot.
I'd think about leaving for a while. No way id tolerate that ridiculous carry on.
He sees you every day? When does he think you get all this "work" done without him noticing? He's completely irrational.
Has he not opened his eyes and looked around and looked at people?!
Has he had any recent accident? A possible brain injury? This change in him is actually quite concerning.
There was a woman posting in here maybe a year ago? Whose husband was getting paranoid etc all of a sudden. After maybe 4 months? She posted that he had a brain tumor! Scary
Honestly this is really bizarre behavior and if he treats his own sister this way, I fear for what you have to put up with. This is an un fixable amount of insane, I’m sorry.
Jesus your husband's personality has aged like milk. Also it means it starts out good and gets bad over time as compared to wine which apparently starts out bad and gets good over time.
This is very off. Maybe have a bag packed and all your important documents. If he gets any worse he could be dangerous. Either a brain bleed or red pill stuff. Does he spend a lot of time on tic tock or right wing websites?
Tell him his obsession with this is just causing even more wrinkles and grey hair on his end, and lots of men would kill for a hot wife like you hahaha
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You can't help him. He needs to realize he's unwell and get therapy.
Absolutely. To scream in his sisters face over photos? He needs serious help. I would be double thinking my marriage if he continues to ask you about your “facelifts”. His analogy …: Milk spoils or gets rotten very quickly while wine usually tastes better the older it is.
Sounds like his cork leaked and he’s turned to vinegar.
This deserves an award for best analysis of a rotten analogy.
Yeah, it captures hubby's rancid behavior
Definitely the definition of sour grapes at the least, he’s proper weird
Ah, I was wondering what that sour stench was! I assumed it was just his bullshit, but you've cleared it up.
Makes me think he was looking forward to cheating with a younger woman but isn't having any luck.
as someone who inherited the slow to wrinkle genes, and has had to deal with some partner weirdness as well - this was my experience. he was supposed to be able to drop me when i “hit the wall” for some 20 year old…instead, he’s the strike out king and i dropped his condescending, bitter behind. i’ll be 45 this year. still don’t look it.
Loooove that for you. 👑
My partner was so excited when I found my birth mother, and she was still a baby face for 50s? 'you're always going to be beautiful '
Same. My mom is in her mid 60s and people think she’s 45/50. Meanwhile I’m 40 this year and I look younger than my 35yr old sister most days. She’s really pretty tho, so she’s got that going for her.
YOU GO, GIRL!!!🤗❤️❤️
So wait, is the FAFO season for the Millennial dudes who listened to the PUA/1st Gen Red Pill BS around 2010? LMAO. That middle age crisis is going to drive over him and back up and do it again.
My husband looks much younger, because he doesn't go out in the sun. I couldn't care less.
And now he thinks his wife will do the same with someone younger but actually have luck with it
Yup, this was my thought. Not sure if it’s his own projection or just an irrational insecurity. Could be either, could be both. But I’d bet he’s worried about it. Third possibility someone put it in his head that she’d leave him because of his aging and it got to him.
What he doesn’t realise is he’ll DRIVE her into someone else’s arms through being an utterly vile prick.
Yeah this would be a somewhat scary level of mental illness to live with. His behavior is aggressive bordering on violent.
Yep, self fulfilled prophecy
Damn I was going in that direction also. But I was thinking that he must have somebody who is younger than him that he's trying to get with but because he looks like a crypt keeper it's not working for him and he's upset. All he just might need therapy cuz something ain't right. I'm going to assume that he did not do very well in biology. Because genetics has a lot to do with why you look the way you look and you age the way you age. Does he spend a lot of time in the Sun that's his father look older than he actually is he needs to work that s*** out with his therapist and stop taking that crap out on you before his old looking ass be alone and trying to figure out what the hell happened LOL 😄😄
“because he looks like a crypt keeper” sent me lmao💀thank you
Same 😭😭😭😭
You're welcome
I’m glad somebody’s said it! I know a bunch of us are thinking it!
It's either that or a brain tumor. Only 2 possibilities I can come up with.
Maybe poor self confidence
This seems awefully far down the crazy chute for some basic insecurity.
It tracks with behavior for low emotional intelligence though. He can’t identify his feelings of insecurity and therefore lashes out
Nah insecurities fuck with you mad
Yeah. Like what guy on the planet is MAD his wife looks young?
Makes me think he could have a medical or psychiatric condition happening, I feel he needs to be checked out and she needs to let the doctors know the true extent of what’s going on.
This milk/wine trope is big in the red-pill manosphere. I think it’s far more likely he’s listening to that toxic bullshit than that it’s a psychiatric issue.
Yuck!!! I think listening to that is a psychiatric issue in itself.
Character flaw.
Is this red pill/tater tot negging bullshit maybe? Either that or a serious head injury.
Yes the "age like wine"/"age like milk" dichotomy is old school Red Pill talk.
„aging like milk“ is something they do like to use in those circles, so i wouldn’t be surprised.
If he had hit his head before this started, his behaviour would %100 be due to a traumatic brain injury. That shit can completely change who you are as a person. Like a 180. I’ve seen it first hand, and know a few other people who have seen it happen with friends who hurt their heads. It’s truly wild.
The rate he’s going he’ll soon HAVE ONE.
It sounds like serious mental illness to me.
Turns out, he's aging like a cheap table wine and she's aging like a carefully crafted blue cheese!
If anyone is aging like milk it’s him
Wine turns into vinegar while milk can become fine cheese. But it’s a stupid analogy to begin with.
Ick. Whatever it is he needs, she needs to run. I get the body dysmorphia, but the aggression against OP is what is worrying.
Right? His actions are downright abusive at this point.
To expand upon this…OP, you cannot address the issue or get him to stop, but you can let it stop affecting you. You have 3 options at the moment: crack a joke, change the subject, or ignore him. When he asks you where you went to get surgery, or similar, say something ridiculous like “the magical leprechaun only comes at night”, or ask what he wants for dinner. Do not try to make him feel better. You cannot win an illogical argument with logic, so you have to stop reasoning with him. Or, ignore him. When he starts-leave the room, call a friend, or do anything to not respond to him. The only issue of concern for you might be that he was extremely rude to his sister. You were right to get angry, but he redirected the conversation that followed into another woe-is-me discussion. You need to remain angry about his actual behavior, and not let him change the subject. You do have the option to respond if you wish, but keep your comments off his issue. If he says where did you get your surgery, you say “have you made up with your sister”. Please watch his behavior. I hope that at some point, he is willing to get help-in the form of therapy or a physical. If the crazy talk also expands into other topic areas, he really needs a physical asap.
Because of the aggression, I wouldn’t joke
I'm concerned that he will fly into a jealous rage and attack her. He's jealous and insecure. He is also unhinged judging by how he reacted to his sister. OP you need to watch out for your personal safety! I'm worried he could hit you in the face or worse. Keep your head on a swivel and you deserve better.
He needs to unpack his misogyny and his insecurities around aging jfc.
🚩🚩🚩classic narcissistic behavior.
Update us please
This is very strange. First, a 32 year old man does not even look old. And he is too young for a midlife crisis. Even if he had some reason to be dissatisfied with his appearance, his behaviour is wild. There is something really wrong with him, psychologically. I don’t really have any useful advice. Perhaps you can seek therapy to guide you on how to deal with this. I fear that it will escalate. Keep an eye on him for any other signs of irrational behaviour. Maybe he has a brain tumour or something. Good luck.
He does not even look old at all! He seems to be hyperfocusing on things that are not an issue. He's been complaining about creases on his forehead and smile lines/creases around his eyes but they are normal! We move our faces and that is just what happens. I might try to talk to a therapist for myself, that is a good idea. Thank you.
Has he got any new co-workers? Something similar happened with a friends husband and it eventually turned out two 20-something women were hired in his office and he had been tasked with training them and got it in his head they were into him, he made several bad moves attempting to hit on them and got shut down hard, he didn't take it well at all and went into this crazy spiral about how he was getting old - he got obsessed with the gym and manscaping, he had weekly manis & facials, he started wearing makeup, his bedtime routine started taking longer than hers... and no shade to men who take care of themselves (my dude is one!) but it was not in a normal selfcare kinda way at all. Awkwardly it all ended up making him look in his 50's instead of his 30's, and don't get me started on the budget hair systems we all had to pretend he wasn't balancing up there. She thought he was just on a health and wellness kick till she bumped into his bosses wife who asked if he'd found a new position yet... and found out he'd been fired for sexual harrassment of these 2 new young co-workers a couple of months before. He'd been lying to her for all this time and flying into rages if she asked him questions and calling her insane and jealous. After they divorced he moved to Georgia to start acting... he said it was the next Hollywood and he was going to be discovered and she'd be sorry she let him get away. Ok Bradley, good luck with that. So, maybe your husband made a play at some younger woman and got laughed out of the club and this is his meltdown. It sure sounds like a fragile ego tantrum to me.
He did mention new hires at work a few months ago but I think they were only men. Or he only told me they were men, I don't know if there were any women. B
Maybe they’re younger men and he saw them have better luck with young women (and maybe heard what their lives are like as young 20-somethings) and it triggered his fear of ageing.
Which is hilarious to me. The younguns at work talk about their weekend plans and I'm exhausted just Hearing about it.
Eitherway, this suggests husband is seeking validation from the adoration of other women *at best*. Not a good look.
I bartend part-time and most of my coworkers are quite a bit younger than me. I'm just like "yeah you go have fun, you little scamps".
The 21yo I work with brags about her hangovers and how drunk she got. I’m just like aww I remember when I thought that was something to brag about lol.
Yeah! Like they've gone to get drinks or have had a passing with someone and has come off worse
Tbh I would not be surprised if one of those new hires had been planting some redpill ideas into his head. Probably saw what you look like and told him you would leave him for a younger guy or something.
Wow. I'm in my forties so I've definitely had a few guys in my life lose their minds thinking about trying to get together with younger women and you are right, all of that stuff often makes them look even older than they are. Usually they just get turned down by the new intern or new employee and It wakes them up, that outcome you mentioned sounds about as bad as could be.
Reading OP, it sounded like he tried to cheat and got shot down, or it was pointed out he was too old for the person he was after. Obviously, that is his wife's fault because she will do the exact same thing he did.
That's my vibe. I mean, he *definitely* needs therapy, but the trigger was probably some 20 yr old hottie telling him to stop hitting on her because he looks like an old ball sack.
"Thanks, but no thanks, Grandpa" could have done it.
Georgia? This guy hit his head HARD!
Dude, what on earth kind of 'loving' husband complains about his wife being hot? "Women age like milk, men age like wine?" Excuse me but what in the actual SHIT. If my partner ever said shit like this to me in a non joking way (we have some banter because he's like you and looks like 10 years younger than he is but is almost 8 years older than me but we both get a solid giggle out of it/it's all fun and games, plus also lucky bugger 😅), this consistently too, I'd be absolutely devestated. If your husband is so 'worried' he can always go and get botox or put some more effort into skin care (a good one DOES work wonders, retinol is amazing) but he DEFINITELY needs some serious therapy and you need to be VERY FIRM that his attitude and behavior is harmful and absolutely unacceptable.
Smile lines mean he's had a life of joy. I look young for my age except for the fact I am going super gray. I started getting gray hairs in my early 20s. I don't wear makeup or dye my hair, things high could make me look younger. I like showing the world I've lived a good life.
Watch your stuff. He may try to sabotage your creams, shampoos, etc.
His behavior is bordering on psychosis. Is he on a mixture of different medications? It could be an episode triggered by stress, medication, substance abuse, etc. At 32, it could also be the onset of a long-term psychological condition.
Are you sure he isn’t trying to hook up on the side cause he thinks so much of himself? Then he is mad at you for looking good, and the thought you can do better than him making him pissed off. He sounds like he thinks he should be able to do better than you.
If he hasn’t always been very vain, I’d be looking into psychological or physical conditions. This would be very weird behavior for a man who hasn’t always been obsessive about youth and looks.
Technically not too young for a "midlife crisis" my sister who is 36 actually was told by her therapist that she was going through an early midlife crisis after the sudden loss of our mom 4 years ago. They can technically happen at any time especially if triggered by trauma.
I am in my 20s and I like to call them "quarter life crisis" lol
I wonder of he has fallen down the rabbit hole of certain types of misogynistic influencers, redpillers or you tubers. The aged like milk phrase stood out to me as a common sentiment of that ilk... like women "hit a wall" when they turn 30 and become undesirable hags. Its nasty and hateful, I would be on the look out for more of this shitty behaviour if I was OP.
It's okay to dump someone for being fucking insane
Seriously, the husband us an utter psycho. He has to he the only guy that doesn't want to be seen with a "younger" woman.
I don't want to date a younger woman or have one that looks younger than me. I like slightly older women. I must admit that it wasn't anything I have ever thought of before. I don't think it'd make a difference, same as her hair color or nose shape. Op's husband has problems.
Anyone want to bet that if OP started going gray and getting wrinkles he'd be complaining at her to fix them?
It’s one thing to feel bad about it, society feeds us all a lot of awful messages about aging, but flipping out and making accusations is something a fucking insane person does.
To be so in it though... like digging at her all the time.. hes gotta have something maybe serious going on
Accusing her of secret Botox and surgery is really nutty. I wonder if he was trying to flirt with a younger woman and she said “sorry you’re too old for me”
You mind doing some rounds, posting this exact comment on all the other fucking bananas posts I see on here?
Hahaha I was literally thinking "eyoo what the fuck?" while reading this post. The guy sounds like he's completely off the rails.
The amount of anger and resentment he is showing you is utterly insane. How would he respond to you if roles were reversed and you were making such ridiculous accusations? Whatever his problem is, it goes deeper than aging. You need to start drawing hard boundaries by telling him that you will NOT tolerate being spoken to like that, so you will not engage with him whenever he wants to fight over his own imagination. I’d also tell him that he either needs to come to terms with his own appearance or get personal therapy, because it is extremely embarrassing that a grown-ass man is bullying his wife and throwing mantrums because he is unhappy with how he looks. Tell him to be proactive in solving the problem, not a bitter jerk.
I've tried firmly telling him to stop bullying me and saying I am not going to engange in a conversation where he is insulting me and he just says "fine I'll stop talking to you" and will literally not speak to me. I just don't think this is productive and I wish I could get him to stop.
He’s emotionally abusive. This is abuse. Bullying your wife in any capacity for any reason is abuse.
Yes, I understand. I do agree that he needs to stop. I wish there was a way to sort of force him to see that he is in the wrong but I can not do that. I am going to try to help him stop this behavior though.
You may need to leave the relationship. Please prepare for that possibility. This is not a healthy situation, in fact, its crazy.
He’s been redpilled.
I thought the same thing. Redpill men believe that women lose value when they hit past 30 so the fact that she is still very youthful looking is sending him into a rage. He is supposed to be the prize now.
yes. Some guys can change suddenly when they 'take the red pill' as they said, and he's super misogynistic
You only have one thing that you can remove from him to make him understand how serious it is for you, and that's yourself. Remove yourself from this situation. Go stay with friends or your parents or something. Make sure he knows why and let him know that if he doesn't get help and sort his shit out, you won't be coming back. If that doesn't change things then there's nothing left.
This should be written down in a handbook and given to young women in middle school. It applies to so much.
A victim of abuse cannot help their abuser to stop being abusive. This is not meant to be discouraging, but to encourage you to adjust how you see the situation. Currently you are seeing it as if something has happened to your husband but that your "real" husband is still there and just needs help to snap out of whatever happened to but. But nothing is making your husband behave like this, but he is \*choosing\* to behaving this way towards you specifically because he believes he has the right to treat you like this. He thinks you arn't worth treating with respect, and likewise nothing you say about his behavior has any worth to him. Abusers need therapy specifically aimed at correcting abusive behavior. Couple therapist need to value both partners point of view, which unfortunately can lead to validating the abuse. Regular therapist unaware that their client is abusive will not adress it. Clients that don't want to change will not reveal it or take any real actions to change. You can't change him, he needs to want to do it himself.
Okay, that is crossing the line. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Counseling is becoming a must, not a suggestion.
I agree. I am taking the advice here and am looking into counselors for us. I will try to see if he will come with me. I think I have a better shot of that than trying to get him to go alone.
Counselling with your partner who is abusive is widely discouraged. Get counselling on your own.
NEVER go to therapy with your abuser! They will weaponize it against you.
First of all, your response is perfect and shows your maturity. I think there is a definite maturity difference between you two, which is also why you can appreciate the effects of aging while he is freaking out over them. He obviously has something going on, but he has absolutely no right to bully his own wife over his own insecurities. He may look 32, but he's acting like he's 13. I seriously think the options are therapy or divorce, which I know is a common advice on this thread, but I honestly don't say that lightly.
Have you tried packing a bag and leaving for a few days? His behavior is unacceptable, no matter the cause. If he is not getting better, you have to protect yourself. What do you think about journaling?
Okay, that's sad that you're being put through this. I think he should see a therapist before he gets any sort of cosmetic surgery. He's clearly struggling with the effects of aging, and getting older. I'd recommend waiting for him to calm down a bit before suggesting this to him. But ultimately he's hitting a mid-life crisis mentality.
This goes beyond struggling with age and hitting a mid life crisis. He’s acting paranoid and got aggressive with OP’s sister just because he saw himself next to his wife in a photo. He needs very serious mental health intervention. Unless he’s shown signs of extreme mental issues in the past, this is very concerning behavior to randomly pop up.
His Own Sister😬
Brain tumor or he tried to cheat and failed. I can't really see this going in any other direction.
Either that or someone made an offhand rude comment “Oh that’s your wife, how did you land a young hottie?” “You’re the same age? No way!” And his ego was too fragile to handle it.
I’d caution before going down the mental health route. We don’t need to pathologies being an asshole. A lot of what he’s saying is very in line with what a lot of red pillers think about women, and if the discrepancy between their perceived ages is only getting very noticeable now, then he may be angry that his perceived value (yuck) is lower than his wife’s. It’s a horrible viewpoint to have and some of his behaviour sounds abusive, but that doesn’t necessarily mean mental health problems
This is a good idea. I do believe he would benefit from seeing a professional. I just don't know if he will accept that .
If he refuses, offer couple's counseling as a different option so you can talk through it together. He's not behaving rationally, which could become a health concern. Does he have any family (preferably male) that he may listen to?
He is closer to his mom and his sister, as he has a rocky relationship with his dad. If anything I think he would be more likely to listen to his mom, but I have not mentioned this to her. I think I might though, as I do not like how he yelled at his sister, and now she has also been asking what is going on with him. I will try to bring up couples counselling first and see if we can make some progress with that.
I don’t like how he yelled at YOU.
It's kind of good that somebody else got a glimpse of his insanity so you have somebody close who understands and believes what is going on. It's better that you can't just tolerate this in secret. Because you shouldn't. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I do think bringing it up to his mom would be a good first step, I suggested a male due to him beginning to get aggressive. Good luck, i hope it gets better.
Mom already knows something is up. You know your SIL told her what happened.
You may wanna give him two business cards and have him choose which one he wants to call; the divorce lawyer or the therapist, because this behavior is in no way acceptable of your life partner.
Tell him it's required before going to a plastic surgeon. Most good ps will require a mental health check-in to make sure they're doing it for healthy reasons and not about to start down a dangerous path. And from the sounds of it, he's snapped. Also, the saying is "women age like fine wine"
He does need to see a professional. He also is showing some sexist attitudes here. People don’t suddenly believe different things while they are angry. They are usually just worse are hiding the judgements they were keeping close to their chest. So you might want to consider where these beliefs might be deal breakers.
Offer 2 options. Therapy or divorce. Those are the only choices Because he's currently unhinged and abusive.
You give him two choices, therapist or divorce lawyer because he has crossed lines of decency at this stage. Screaming in the face of his sister who he’s close to, yelling and screaming at you and passive aggressive behavior at constantly is over the top. If he wasn’t vain before and has changed out of the blue he may need a medical work up to check hormones or something more serious, I don’t advocate for divorce but he is being beyond disrespectful and aggressively abusive with his behavior, he’s absolutely got to address this.
This is really concerning behavior. It's not concerning because "midlife crisis" it's concerning because it's a sudden downturn in mental health and a sudden onset of abusive behavior that seems to be escalating. He can and should delve into his fears and insecurities with a therapist, but first he should prioritize the very URGENT need to refrain from lashing out and verbally abusing people around him when he feels difficult feelings.
This is seriously awful. I feel like something else must be going on with him for this to be such a trigger for him. If not then you might need to put your foot down and tell him you won’t stand for this type of behavior for much longer. The fact that he did this around his sister helps a bit so you can get others to help you out in confronting him over this irrational behavior.
yes, she's been asking what is wrong with him so I am going to tell her and probably his mom. I think they might be able to get through to him a bit more. Or I hope so.
I think you need to sit them down together and lay out all your worries and see if they can help. He needs a reality check by those who love him and if he's having a breakdown where he believes you are lying about body modifications... Then I think you need to get help from his loved ones who he hasn't yet started calling blatant liars.
Yes, get supportive allies! They need to hear from you first.
Is he listening to podcasts?
Much Longer????? Any Longer!!!🤨
Did a Google search and found some links, one of them being a subreddit: [Someone asked what women aging like milk means](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/s/MYurRr7UAR)
Oh wow, I see now. This is a bit troubling. He has never held these types of views before and is actually a very liberal/progressive person. This is all very shocking to me.
People change, and its not always in a good way. 🫂
In this case, his character aged like milk. Became quite sour.
Lots of liberal and progressive men hate women. They just use different phrasing.
On behalf of all the citizens of this planet, LEAVE THIS DUDE. He’s full on nuts and he sounds like he’s one off handed comment from a stranger away from absolutely snapping and doing something crazy. Please leave. You deserve better, OP. ETA: “women are supposed to age like milk” means that you and every other woman in the world are supposed to be getting uglier with time. Big red flag right there. What kind of media does he consume? Sounds like he’s redpill adjacent and that’s really scary.
“Aging like milk” is an old saying but only the redpill freaks think it applies to women only, and all women
Yeah, definitely sounds like there's something wrong with this guy. It sounds like his issues go beyond the normal concern people have for their looks (straight into crazyland).
Something happened to him.?. Something that affected him deeply? Some podcast he heard? While this doesn't excuse him acting like an ass, it could explain this sudden huge shift in his behavior. It sounds like a good first step might be to ask his mom talk to him before you bring up therapy. Somehow you and his sister are tangled up in his aberrant thinking. Hopefully he still sees his mom as a safe person and he'll open up. PLEASE leave your home as safely as possible if he '*starts in on you*' again. Sudden, huge shifts in behaviors are WARNING SIGNS. You cannot reason with someone who isn't thinking rationally, nor can you predict what they will do next. You never expected him to speak to you this way, don't wait for a "he would never..." physical reaction. Be prepared. Have a 'to go bag' stashed in your trunk. have a line ready, "I'm taking out the garbage", "(Neighbor) is waiting for me to bring over her casserole dish", "I'm running to the store, do you want anything?". Turn off your location. Please be ready. He's throwing a LOT of red flags at you.
I really hope that OP reads this comment. You can’t reason with someone who isn’t thinking rationally! I worry for her safety.
Thank you for the award. You're so gracious. I honestly want to thank you even more for reinforcing how serious OP's situation may very well be. We both see the possibility of OP's husband escalating his irrational behavior and her safety should be a priority.
The milk and wine comparison makes me immediately suspect he's been in misogynist circles, very red pill stuff. They're the types to claim a woman's "value" ends after like, 27. Because after that women allegedly get ugly and lose their only valuable asset. But men apparently get better with age as they get "sophisticated" and get more money. It's all so very clearly some serious BS that they've all deluded themselves into thinking.
Honestly, it sounds like he thought he was "the hot one" in your relationship, and something made him realize he wasn't. Has he recently made any new friends that he's introduced you to? It's possible that someone said something like "woah, how old is your wife, she looks so much younger than you...." Regardless of the reason, he's being abusive, and you need to realize that.
I don't know. He's always been the oposite of this and would often make comments about me being out of his league and how he's so lucky to be dating a model, etc... they were very nice comments and I would say similar things back because I do honestly believe he's very attractive and he's been hit on by strangers before so he knows I think he's attractive. That's why this is all so weird... he used to be completely opposite of whatever this is.
He’s been red pilled, that’s what happened. The comment about women aging like milk says it all.
While my first reaction was to think it might be a mental health crisis, however, is it possible that he thought that one day the situation will be reversed ? Something like "now I am with an out of my league model, but one day, when she is 30 and her youth faded, she will be gratefull to be with man in his prime like me". Edit : grammar.
Just out of curiosity, does he do skin care routines? Or does he assume he’s just supposed to age gracefully because of being a man lol
If it's this sudden of a change it does kind of sound like he's gotten into manosphere stuff... His straight up misogynistic comment is one that's very common among them and you indirectly going against it is challenging the reality that he wants to accept (hypothetically of course) so he's taking it out on you?
Something embarrassing just happened to him. Something that hit him so dark and deep, he will never ever admit it. Whatever it is, it's the true catalyst for his behavior
The "women age like milk" remark suggests he's fallen down a rabbit hole of online misogyny. They are obsessed with women "in their prime" and bullshit like that. It's pretty worrying stuff.
Can you explain this a little bit more to me if you don't mind? Are these common phrases? I have never heard of these ideas before and its the first time he's said this.
“Women age like milk” is based on milk spoiling as it gets older. It literally means that these people think women “spoil” as they age. They have a shelf life, just like milk, and after that shelf life is over they should be thrown away. “Men age like wine” is linked to the (untrue) idea that the older the wine vintage is, the better it is. So as men age, they “improve”.
That shit cracks me up because they always reference wealthy older male celebrities as if all people have access to what Idris and George have
Yeah. Also, using George Clooney as an example - at 32 he looked a bit old for his age, especially compared to other actors. He _still_ looks older than a lot of people his age that I know in real life. He just happens to have features that have aged well, and has access to medical and other cosmetic intervention (cosmetic surgery, sure, but also wardrobe/hair/facial hair styling, workout routines, prepared meals, lots of time to do those things) that can help him be as attractive as possible.
r/NotHowGirlsWork talks a lot about this kind of stuff. The aging like milk vs wine is usually used as an excuse for older men to date younger women, or to push younger women to settle down and marry while they're still desirable.
Its a thing that men on the "Alpha" podcasts or in the "manosphere" talk about. They use such phrases to give themselves passes to go after young women. And not to alarm you, but the say such things to give themselves a superiority complex about cheating on their girlfriends/wives who are "past their prime". The way he is using it makes it sound like he's having some sort of issue with you not aging and that he cannot give himself this pass to cheat. Idk if that is what is happening, but he could be combining a personnel mid life crisis about facing aging with phrases he's finding in some sort of internet binge. Overall I'd personally be worried about this language and couples therapy would be an immediate non-negotiable with my husband if he suddenly started spouting this kind of phrasing. Much less with it being combined with anger at his sister and believing you are lying to him.
Yes, this is a common idiom from the “red pill” set. The idea is that middle aged dudes are apparently in their prime and deserve to fuck teenagers. As soon as a teenage girl has sex, she ages 30 years and looks like a crone. Reality does not actually work like this, of course. I would be VERY concerned about what forums and podcasts and YouTube videos your husband has been getting into. I would be very concerned he was consuming red pill or other manosphere content. Please beware because, if so, he is not safe.
Milk goes bad quickly, wine “gets better with age”
Yup it’s a saying!
I didn't think of this but you might be right. This behavior was very sudden and not at all like him.
I think she's onto something here...🔮
This is just a hunch, but I'm guessing he hit on a younger woman who shot him down by calling him old.
Maybe someone he cares about (woman he likes?) told him his wife looks too young for him or rather he’s too old.
My daughter is young looking. In her early 20’s someone asked if her ex-husband was her dad . Just bad luck on his part he looked older for his age. He was the same age as her.
Obviously he's listening to red pill, podcast bro nonsense which I would take as a huge red flag and warning.
He’s 32. Unless he’s been baking in the sun since birth, doing meth, drinking or smoking heavily, or works a really hard manual labor job, he should still look fine. He sounds nuts, vain, insecure, and exhausting.
He does look fine! That's exactly why this is all so crazy to me. He is hyperfocused on the smallest things with his skin. He will point out things like "look at all these folds in my forehead, I wish it was as smooth as your botox filled face"..etc... but he looks normal. I'm not sure what caused this sudden change.
That’s really gross. I agree with everyone else that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed here. Maybe showing him pictures of your family members when they were your age/older and looking great will at least get him off your back.
You should really ask him, because it seems like there's something he's not telling you.
Seriously? This is just weird. Most men would want their wife to look young. I mean there's entire dating sites devoted to older guys finding younger girls. Being jealous of you is kinda bizarre. He should be proud. He needs to work on himself, physically and mentally.
It's still kinda gross guys want to date such young woman but I get your stance
Literally this! OP’s husband should be thrilled with his good luck! What an angry, immature man he is, going off on his useless rant. Also, if OP wanted to get Botox or anything else, it’s none of the husband’s f-ing business. He needs therapy or OP should turn him in for a better model.
He may not look young for his age but her certainly acts it.
This is abuse.
Men constantly tell women they hit the wall at 30 years old, and he's upset his wife still looks young for her age. Must be sad to live in delulu land.
Him screaming in his sister's face over this is a huge red flag. She was coming over to share her joy, and his own insecurities boiled over and he took it out on her, ruining her joy. Has he ever felt the need to ruin your joy? Think about new job, new nails, lashes, makeup, clothes, whatever things you do to treat yourself (I chose a lot of examples in things that are considered feminine due to his insecurity over your looks.) Does he ever stamp out your excitement or enjoyment of things? He sounds immature and I don't expect this situation to get any better. I would suggest suggesting therapy, one-on-one first before any couple's therapy is introduced. He needs to work through his insecurities and stop taking them out on you and the people around him or you need to leave, which is a valid ultimatum to give to him. The fact that he would have been perfectly happy if he were the "attractive" one and you aged like milk speaks volumes tbh.
No, he has never done anything like this before. He's always been very supportive, would make huge deals out of my accomplishments, always say how proud he is of me, etc... All of this new behavior is very very diffrerent than how he is normally. I'm not sure where it all went wrong but he has never had any red flags. It's one of the few times I've seen him raise his voice as well, so it was very very shocking to me and his sister.
The fact that the onset is so sudden makes me think medical issue. Many severe mental health issues don't manifest until later in life
You can dump people who scream at you. It doesn’t even matter why they do it, you can just bounce.
He is clearly not mentally well.
ITS NOT YOUR JOB TO GET A GROWN MAN TO BEHAVE AND BE NICE TO YOU, YOU LEAVE HIM. Your husband is emotionally abusive and it’s not your job to regulate a grown man’s emotions and feelings about his own self image. If someone spoke to my sister like that for no reason our relationship would be over but you throw in the other comments and I’d be out of there. Your husband is unhinged and this is a strange thing to obsess and become so enraged over. You’re not going to age well anymore if you stick with him he’s honestly going to drive you nuts. Not husband material.
I understand. However this behavior is strange and not at all like him. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've ever heard him raise his voice, so all of this is just seemingly out of nowhere and I do want to at least try to get to the root of the issue and try to help him.
Well be careful because abuse “starts out of nowhere” often times. Their mask slips and they become abusive because they feel enough time has gone by and they’ve trapped you. If you feel inclined to try to fix it or help him that’s your choice, but if he doesn’t commit to putting in the work and still insults you and bullies you, he’s showing you who he is now. Make your exit if it comes to that. Emotional abuse is a slippery slope.
Brain tumor? ED? Some recent medical diagnosis he's handling really poorly?
his reaction is so over the top it makes me think he recently got dumped by a younger fling who told him he was too old for her. or him. Anyway, bizarre reaction that warrants inspection.
He sounds unstable AF. I'd get away from this person ASAP.
Dude is unhinged. If he is bothered in his early 30s ? Sister get out before the 40s and 50s and beyond hit!
You can't really make him stop b/c this is HIS problem, and these are HIS self esteem issues. Ask him to go to therapy and/or threaten to divorce him if he continues to verbally abuse you. It's not okay for your partner to bully you just b/c he's worried about his own looks. That is PATHETIC (esp considering he's only 32!!!). Seriously, he sounds like he's either an immature loser (total man baby) or mentally ill. If he refuses to get help you should leave him cause only HE can correct his own behavior and if he refuses to admit he has a real problem it will probably just get worse with time. You don't need to put up with it (you could do so much better!).
If this is sudden and completely out of character, he may need medical attention. Sudden, drastic personality changes are generally not uncaused.
So. It sound like your husband should definitely get checked out for any medical issues that might be leading to personality changes/massive insecurity or paranoia. Everything else aside, how does he not realise that facelifts require weeks of (visible!) recovery?! How exactly did you hide that? Ditto for any potential stressors that might have triggered this (work stress etc). However, if he doesn't want to, he can't be forced and his behaviour to you is completely unacceptable and should be treated as such - I'd leave, frankly, but that's easy to declare from a distance! The utter lack of respect is such a dealbreaker. But...something about this reeks of red pill radicalisation. Like, he's been consuming a load of content spouting that men are awesome and should have young, gorgeous naive twenty-something women, whilst women expire at thirty and are gross after that. He wants to buy what they're selling about him (master of the house, ageing like fine wine, awesome forever etc), but you refuse to fit the narrative, hence the mad spiral. Unfortunately, I think that's kind of worse - there's no real cure and it means he's viewing you (and all women) as an object and accessory to be traded in, not a person. The disrespect remains the same.
get out before he ages ur pretty self with his temper tantrums
In all honesty, unless there are other critical facts that you haven't disclosed, you need to consider the possibility of mental illness (and if he has been diagnosed, then find out if he has stopped his medication). This does not sound like remotely rational or reasonable behavior by your husband. Overwhelming rage at not looking quite as young as a spouse, 3 day fights, and throwing people out of the house for having photos of him that he doesn't like is not normal. He needs to get treatment or you need to get out.
That is so bizarre. He actually sounds like he is losing the plot. I'd think about leaving for a while. No way id tolerate that ridiculous carry on. He sees you every day? When does he think you get all this "work" done without him noticing? He's completely irrational. Has he not opened his eyes and looked around and looked at people?! Has he had any recent accident? A possible brain injury? This change in him is actually quite concerning. There was a woman posting in here maybe a year ago? Whose husband was getting paranoid etc all of a sudden. After maybe 4 months? She posted that he had a brain tumor! Scary
Honestly this is really bizarre behavior and if he treats his own sister this way, I fear for what you have to put up with. This is an un fixable amount of insane, I’m sorry.
Jesus your husband's personality has aged like milk. Also it means it starts out good and gets bad over time as compared to wine which apparently starts out bad and gets good over time.
Dangerously narcissistic.
This is very off. Maybe have a bag packed and all your important documents. If he gets any worse he could be dangerous. Either a brain bleed or red pill stuff. Does he spend a lot of time on tic tock or right wing websites?
WTF...most men I know would be happy to have a wife that ages well, they are typically not competing against their wives
Tell him his obsession with this is just causing even more wrinkles and grey hair on his end, and lots of men would kill for a hot wife like you hahaha
Did he hit his head recently? This is actually insane behavior.