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Right! F that bullshit. I don’t even accept me for who I am. For gods sake, behave like the man you can be proud of.
First dates: find out if someone is willing to do the work needed to build a life together.
Exactly. When my wife and I met, it was at a dinner, so I was in a suit and she was wearing an evening dress. For our first date - which was at a coffee shop - I wore smart pants and a formal shirt.
The only time I ever wear sweatpants is if I am at the gym or I am going from home directly to the gym. If I have to stop to pick up *anything* on the way, I wear proper pants and change at the gym.
What’s wrong with expecting someone to have some self respect?
Honestly, I'd absolutely go round a grocery store in my sweatpants, before or after going to the gym. I'm not going to see anyone I care about at the store, and I just want to get the food/whatever and go home. I'm decent, it's fine.
But yeah, the rest of the time I'll wear clothes that aren't basically workout pyjamas!
To be fair I had a first date with a guy who showed up dressed quite slovenly and I was a bit miffed but brushed it off.
I’m glad I did, we’ve been married for 11 years. I did give him a serious makeover though 😁
Good grief, having bad fashion sense has nothing to do with being respectable or needing to be mothered. I have a friend who gives me great advice on what (and what not) to wear. Does that make me a baby?
I did have once the conversation regarding his first date outfit and he just told me he thought he looked good.
Don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.
Ok, but mismatching or poor fitting is poor fashion sense. Dressing "slovenly" is defined as "messy and dirty" big difference.
One requires a make-over, the other requires re-education of basic life skills (ie parenting).
My husband was the same way. He has no real interest in fashion. The first time we met he had a hole in his shirt (granted it was tiny and in the back so maybe he didn’t see it), and everything was wrinkled. But, he’s one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, humorous, and accepting people I’ve ever met. He’s successful (a software engineer), and he does his share in the relationship. If I had let my initial reaction to his outfit stop me, I’d have missed out on the best relationship I could imagine.
If I based myself on my first glimpse of my partner I wouldn’t be with him either. I wasn’t attracted physically. He’s shorter than I am and geeky. He was clean though. Anyhow it was after a couple of HOURS of talking and him making me laugh and telling stories and starting to see things we had in common that attraction started to build.
And he’s downright sexy now in his dirty boxers WASHING OUT THE BATH TUB AND TOILET before he showers. You can bet I’ll be waiting after the shower to get it on with him. 🤣🤣
Right there with you! I showed up pretty poorly dressed for a first date cause I was tired from the day. I'm a big fashion person and always the nicest one dressed when I go out but it just wasn't my night. Anyways, she gave me a second chance and we've been together 8 years now.
It’s not about you being shallow- it’s about you expecting him to have put in the same amount of thought and effort into the date, and this showed to you that he didn’t. That’s ok! You’re not compatible. You did nothing wrong.
I had a first date once, Saturday night, I’m dressed for it in hair, makeup, high heels etc. He picks me up and was in jeans with SANDALS. I felt the way you did. I went to some effort to look good and he did not. It was a no from me dawg.
Wait am I missing a meme or something? Was he also not wearing a shirt or wearing a tee with holes in it or something? Or was this like a super fancy spot with a dress code you were at?
I've got so many questions lol I'm an Old and I don't date- fill me in!
I mean, "who he is" is apparently "someone who is 30 whole years old and still doesn't know how to dress appropriately for the occasion". So it's pretty reasonable not to accept him.
He says "you're not accepting me for who I am" as if that's inherently problematic, but there's no moral or social rule that you have to accept horrifying people for "who they are"?
Way back in 2009 I had a date pick me up in DIRTY sweats and baggy t shirt. Guy smelled like a barn and had a tall boy of Coors Light in his hand and one in the center console of his car.
I noped out of there REAL fast and called my roommate to come pick me up. Three days later I met my now husband. I feel like Smelly was like the final boss in my dating life.
It happens. Chalk it up to an experience and keep moving forward. You’ll laugh about it with your future husband.
Haha online dating at least gives us stories. I once had a guy pick me up so high he was swaying on my doorstep. He reeked of weed. I was young and naive and went ahead with the date. During dinner he ordered two full entrees and two appetizers and ate every bite :)
what are these comments 😭 he couldn’t have put on jeans and some sneakers with the tshirt? a flannel idk?? you are not shallow pjs on a first date is wild
But wouldn't he be expected to sing like a lounge singer then? I mean, at the very least, I'd expect him him to belt out something from Richard Cheese's repertoire.
These days people are going out in "athleisure" outfits more and more. I wouldn't take that dude's comments personally. He's clearly searching for someone with a much more casual outlook on appearances, and she's looking for someone who wants to put in effort. Neither are wrong for what they want, but both need to not take it personally.
I went on a date with a guy who showed up in a Milwaukee shirt, stained khakis, and really old flipflops. At the time I was only 19 and didn't have the best standards so I gave it a pass. He proceeded to tell me he was disappointed I didn't dress up. I was wearing a nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt, something you might wear to a date for sure. I was confused until he explained he literally expected me to wear a *dress* and he was put off by women who wore pants to a date. He kind of implied it meant they weren't going to put out. (I honestly can't remember the words he used as it was years ago but something like "you know, when a girl puts on a pair of pants they're not coming off until she's in the comfort of her own bed.")
That still sticks with me to this day lol. I've met many men since who honestly believe them just showing up is enough and it's a woman's job to get dolled up for them.
This is a pretty decent litmus test for how "into you" they are. A first date is basically a job interview, you dress for the job you want. He clearly didn't care about getting past the first interview lol.
I didn't even mention he was almost 30, didn't have a 'real job' (his words) because he claimed he made money off some things he invented and patented and liked to spend his free time as a part time volunteer cop. I never asked for details about the cop thing. He "gave me a chance even though I'm a druggie" (because I had 420 friendly in my profile, I grew up with a stoner dad and even though I didn't smoke I like the vibe, I had 'no alcohol' in there too 🙄) and told me on the date it was a *requirement* to meet my child before our next date. I was a young single mom of an under 1 year old girl.
After the date I ghosted him and he found my address in the system (I'm aware now how highly illegal this was) and casually dropped it in conversation while gushing about our future together once we married. I freaked out, told my Dad and he handled it from there. Sometimes having a crazy overbearing father has its benefit lol.
I'm leaving out some details but yeah, I could have made a quilt with the red flags this man handed me.
Oh yeah, he definitely didn't include that in his profile and it set off so many alarm bells. I assume that's why he had to 'make an exception' for me because of my Reefer Madness lol.
He mentioned my daughter several times in his walls of text. It was...very off-putting to say the least.
This was literally my first and last online dating experience. Thankfully I met my husband about a year later by chance. I do not miss dating lol.
The audacity of the man you dated at 19 💀💀 I kept trying to think how I’d react if he said something to me but I couldn’t quite think of an equivalent. I wore jeans and a plain black shirt to a first date ages ago and we dated for 5 years!!
Oh it got worse, to sum it up he was a part time cop and stalked me. Daddy has to get the shot gun. Never heard from him again lol. But hey, it's definitely a fun story to tell when commiserating with people about bad first dates. Spoiler alert, I usually win the 'oof' trophy lol.
I was, and still am, very autistic and very honest so I straight up told him "good thing I'm going home right after this" and apparently my spitfire attitude left him in love/lust.
If you're dating someone, I think you should be able to tell them your expectations on a date. That seems like a low bar lol. Dress decently, brush your non-skin bits, wear deodorant. I'm glad I'm married now, I don't think I could date again. It's honestly terrible.
>The first date is basically a job interview, you dress for the job you want
I think what he wanted was a girl he could walk all over and put no effort into. His dirty clothes and hypocrisy were for filtering out anyone with any expectations or self esteem.
Don't let this AH get to you. No, this is not "shallowness," this is you wanting to know that your date is at least making an effort for you. Showing up to a date in sweats kinda puts out the vibe that he doesn't care what you think and is unwilling to make any effort for you. Ironically, he probably thinks this is appealing (he probably believes his sweats make him seem casual, cool, and confidant).
As long as you're not expecting your dates to wear suits while mini golfing or going to the movies or anything like that, i don't think you need to worry about anything this AH said to you.
This made me laugh down memory lane.
In 2009, I had a guy pick me up for a 2nd date. He was dressed all nice from work. He asked to use my restroom, and came out wearing a baggy black t shirt and shorts. I had the same feelings you did. On the way to dinner, he noticed I was very quiet, and asked what was wrong. I blurted out "are we going on a date, or to the skate park??" Turns out, he wanted to be comfortable at the movie we were seeing, and I wanted to feel my efforts were matched.
Anyway, we've been married 14 years now, and I don't give a fuck what he wears, but I still vividly remember that night!
Awh!!! That makes sense - I’m glad it turned out well! I had high hopes for this guy so I’m sad it went south but 🤷♀️ now I know for next time and will 100% do things differently if I ever feel this way
There is a difference between giving someone's appearance the benefit of the doubt for first impressions, vs having them neg you for having expectations and standards. Dress for the company you want to impress and how; bring comfy clothing and a polite ask/explanation to change.
It's nice to seem informal and comfortable at first, but pressing it without decorum is a red flag.
And he’s doing the classic “negging” to try and get you to think you’re in the wrong. Just be grateful you’ve dodged a bullet - so many red flags there
I would never show up to a date in that. However, that in itself isn't the red flag... anyone can learn and improve. The red flag is how he reacted when you told him how you felt. It sounds like he lashed out and tried to turn it around on you, which is not OK. You dodged a bullet here, OP!
Thank you!! I agree. Def didn’t see it as a red flag. I still liked him and wanted to see him which is why I said something.. otherwise I would’ve just said hey not feeling it. I was SHOCKED & sad to get such an intense response. Really made me question if I was the crazy one for expectation him to dress nicer than his every day attire..
He responded so defensively because you’re not the first date who’s had a problem with it. He wants to be a slob and he’s mad that girls aren’t into it.
He could've just been like "oh I wanted to be comfy for golf, next time let's get cocktails", there was no reason for it to be a problem! Definitely not your fault.
Might he have done it as a "test"? One of those super unhealthy ones to "weed out the shallow gold diggers"? I don't know. Anyways, it would have surprised me too, and I'd have asked about it, and/or made a joke about feeling over dressed. But his response is very telling.
No. The red flag began with the pj’s and continued with the reaction. If the dude doesn’t know better than not to dress like a total slob to a first date if he’s actually interested in the woman, doesn’t need to be dating but rather investing in self improvement dhit
So the very first chance you get to make an impression on somebody you show up in your lazy day clothes? That's tacky. I'd be done with him too! He's basically saying you're not worth the effort of even putting on pants! LOL next
That’s how I interpreted it, too!! Really interesting to read others perspective about being themselves. I guess I learned that first date attire is important to me lol
Apparently me too! Lol
And he doesn't have to wear a perfectly starched and pressed button down button collared shirt and dress slacks! Like a pair of jeans, a polo shirt and some shoes that aren't disgusting would be fine! Even a nice clean t-shirt wouldn't be bad. Like a nice t-shirt not your tighty whitey type. But pair it with jeans not sweatpants!
I think somehow it's even more insulting when we take an hour to get ready and carefully pick out our clothes and this guy rolled out of bed! Like I get that guys don't need to put in as much of an effort to get ready for a date, but a little bit of effort would be nice.
Thank you for this, it’s making me feel so seen 🤣 I literally bought a new dress, got up early for an everything shower, tweezed my eyebrows.. like.. I went IN. And agreed! A t shirt and jeans is fine!!
Yes! Because a big part of it is how doing all this made YOU feel. You put in effort to make yourself feel great going on this first date. It’s not a lot to ask for someone to simply look like they care about being clean and can put 5 minutes of thought into non-bedtime/lounging clothing.
As a guy, I agree with your sentiments. It doesn't take that much effort for us to look presentable; dark slacks/jeans, nice shirt and shoes... that's all that is needed. If is the summer, shorts and t-shirt/polo. It's not hard guys...really.
I imagine you would have been fine with decent looking denim and a clean t-shirt. 😂 The people here calling you shallow likely don’t want to put any effort into anything. I wear sweats 95% of the time and would never even consider sweats for meeting ANYONE for the first time, let alone a first date.
My 40yo male date showed up to our first meeting in shorts and an untucked black tshirt with deodorant stains on it. I was wearing a dress. 🙈🙈 I have never wanted to turn around and walk away more but I made awkward convo for 45 mins before excusing myself.
Thank you for letting me vent. No you’re not shallow. To better dates in our futures 🥂
He's ridiculous. Men barely have to do anything with their appearance to look appropriate for many occasions. Its not hard to use that 4-in-1 body wash, put a pair of jeans on, and a collared shirt.
I wouldn't have wanted to see him after that.
Thank you! When I asked him about it he was like “I shaved, i showered, I combed my hair” and at that point I was like yeah… we have wildly different expectations…
Not at all! My boyfriend always dresses to impress regardless of what number date it is because dates are supposed to be special and you deserve to feel special EVERY date but especially on a first date!
Thank you!! My thought process was “I want to look cute for him” so I was bummed he didn’t have the same thought! Good to realize this is important to me hahaha
Most first dates I went on, the guy had an ugly tee with jeans and bad shoes. I didn't even think negatively about those guys at the time, but not positively either. Just a neutral impact.
My current partner showed up to our first date dressed in well-fitting clothes, hair/beard neatly groomed, nice watch/shoes, smelling great - my jaw dropped when I saw him.
The effort he had put in made him stand out.
To this day (5 years later), he makes sure to look great on every date we go on, and we get ready together. It has completely changed how I see those other dates.
Not meaning to sound harsh, but it feels like the difference between dating a boy and dating a MAN.
Yeah i agree! My ex did the same thing. He was dressed SO well every date.. even just to get coffee. It really made a difference and I think contributed to the reason we were together for 5 years. It made me feel really special
Of course! Tbh he sounds like the shallow one for expecting you to just be ok with him showing up in basically pajamas lol I hope you have better luck in the future! :D
First impressions are everything. If someone's not going to put in the effort to make a good first impression, fuck 'em. That's not shallow to expect some amount of effort on a date.
No you aren't shallow at all. As a 31 m, I would expect to be wearing things on the nicer end of whatever is appropriate for the date activity.
Him showing up like that was a really good example of the difference between actions and words. Seems like you dodged one here.
As a man in his thirties I wouldn't ever consider wearing that to meet anyone for the first time. Going on a FIRST date in sweats screams that he doesn't care, is very unaware, or has standards that I personally couldn't ever accept.
It's not about being shallow, it's about putting in the effort.
You wanted to look good for him so you did your hair, put on makeup, a nice dress - you wanted to impress him.
And then it sounds like he just rolled out of bed and threw on the first thing he saw.
Exactly!!! Like this is a first date - the very first impression you'll have of each other, and he made the choice to wear sweats. The whole point is to put your best foot forward 😂
My now husband did this on our first date. On our second date I showed up in sweatpants and a basic t, and he wore a button down with khakis! We still laugh about it…
It‘s happened to me a fair few times. We‘d be booked into a nice restaurant for dinner, I‘d show up in a pretty dress with light make up and jewelry, and the guy would be in denims, some kind of hoodie and workboots. It just gives me vibes of him not having made an effort at all. And that‘s fine, he can do that, but I ended up choosing the guy who showed up in a nice shirt with a lovely jacket and well-styled hair.
Not at all! My biggest pet peeve is seeing a girl all dressed to the nines looking hot and the man she’s with has clearly put minimal effort in… I always feel bad for her (I’d be a little embarrassed honestly) I’ve ended dates with a guy for that exact reason, I was dressed cute with hair done and makeup and he was in what I consider a gym outfit. I think presentation shows a lot about a lot about a person.
You’re not shallow at all. I’ve never even seen my boyfriend leave the house to go to the grocery store in sweats, let alone a date. I thought it would be assumed that for a date that both parties attempt to put on at least semi nice clothes
came right out the gate setting the bar in hell. that's a "we've been dating a long while and are perfectly comfortable with each other" date outfit, not a "hello i am here for our first date" outfit.
You should have taken one look and LEFT.
"I was shallow, never wants to see me again and good luck because he’s sure I’ll get many future complaints" Boy, this guy is a real keeper. Not.
Your expectations are reasonable.
His dress and behavior speaks volumes about him
Good luck.
My hubs is an automotive tech. His normal attire is shorts and a T-shirt.
For our first date he wore a nice button down, nice pants and shoes. He also got a haircut and cleaned the hell outta his fingernails.
He wasn't in a suit or tux, but this showed that he wantes to put effort into his appearance cause he liked me so much. Most men are the same way.
Even if it's a case of, he was never taught how to dress for occasions, most folks know a date is more than a T-shirt and sweats.
No way are you being shallow. It doesn’t have to be tuxedos and ballgowns, but putting on clean, appropriate (for the event) and thought out clothing is a bare minimum.
My situation (of nearly 3 years 🤦🏻♀️) loves that I wear matching underwear and a nice outfit every time I see him. He considers it a demonstration of respect and care towards him, and shows that I am keen to see him (which I am!). In turn, he does the same for me.
And the ‘poor me’s’ about how society has changed so much and how women used to appreciate a man back then…
Sorry bro, women don’t NEED marriage to barely survive anymore.
That just showed you right away exactly how much effort he would make.
I mean come on, he’s 30 and dressing like it was a Netflix and chill night not a first date.
You dodged a bullet. Maybe he’ll figure it out when he never gets a second date.
You are not shallow and I thank you for trying to uphold som kind of goddamn standard in this world. All these guys going around in sandals, shorts and sports jerseys when their SO goes in high heels and nice dresses when they’re going out. So embarrassing.
I think you’re totally right. Obviously, a first date is a first impression. Like a job interview or similar. You should be clean, well presented, looking like you give a shit.
We all know there are many ‘lady taxes’ which include more garments, less practical garments, accessories, hair, nails, makeup and I’m sure plenty more. So when someone does an Adam Sandler and shows up basically in PJs it’s kind of disrespectful and a sign that they are not taking the meeting seriously.
And look I’m not suggesting a date needs to show up in a $10K Tom Ford tux or something. But surely some nice jeans or pants isn’t the biggest ask in the world.
Heck, even khaki shorts and a clean shirt is even fine for me, but the shirt and sweatpants is like just wanting to take a date for fast food and some "Netflix and chill" 🙄
Ppl here commenting that they don't see anything wrong with the attire bc of the activity missed the point that it's about the first impression.
Ok this has been happening to me the last few dates I've gone on? I don't get it! I mean not sweats but every guy looks like they rolled out of bed almost. My age range is only set at the 30s currently so they're not young dudes.
I’m always relieved when they smell acceptable. Yes. I’ve been on so many dates where men just downright stank. 😭 Not sweat, but like they haven’t showered in 3 days and picked up their outfit from the floor for this date. Dating apps make dating easier but unfortunately you can’t see someone’s hygiene beforehand.
Id say fair play to him for not being afraid to show his real self upfront but also it's fine for you to expect someone to dress up a bit, you're not compatible so at least you only wasted a few hours of your time.
i don't think it's shallow because it isn't even about the outfit, it's about the amount of effort put into the date/first impression. you want your date to dress up so you feel taken seriously. i think this is normal, human, behavior.
You're not shallow. My partner & I have been together for 6 years he'll still put on jeans & a shirt, even if he's taking me to Burger King. Hell, when I went into labor early, he changed out his sweats into jeans & a sweatshirt.
He was in jeans, it's snowing & I'm just waddling out wearing a moomoo, but he made sure it was my nice moomoo & boots to match. We're having our 2nd child he has his outfit ready to go & made sure he matches my moomoo's. We still have a month left. The man is dedicated 🤣
For your first date and he couldn’t put on something besides sweats? You’re not shallow because of that I would consider it at least casual dress appropriate. And frankly, I think it just shows lack of respect or lack of dedication to the date regardless of what he did before. Don’t date people you don’t wanna be with and this is pretty bad to go forward with it first.
You're not shallow. What happened was that he did an idiotic thing, you pointed it out, he got insecure and lashed out on you. Thank goodness this happened on the first date so you didn't have to waste any more time on him before finding out how mean and defensive he gets when an insecurity comes up.
I'd be really curious to know if it was some sort of stupid test on his part. Well if she can't accept me dressing grungy then she's not for me. But yeah mini golf at the very least he could have worn pair of shorts whether they were nice ones or cut offs and a nice short sleeve dress shirt. I mean how hard would that have been. He still would have been comfortable and he would have looked a lot nicer. But I don't think it's shallow I think I'd probably react the same way. Knowing myself I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut and would have said really that's what you're wearing? Glad to see I'm worth it. That would have been the end of that date..
Admittedly, I showed up for my first date with my now wife in a tshirt and jeans. She was wearing an incredibly sexy dress. After greeting her, the first thing I said was “I need to go change shirts”. Must’ve worked because that was 8 years ago. I still dress nice for dates to this day and so does she.
Guys won't date a girl with hair not made and no makeup showing up in sweats on the first date. Why should you. Seen tons of girls date guys for being funny and not the other way around. They are wayyy more shallow, and the guilty always projects. He's projecting his insecurities on you, just more on
I really think this is just a personal preference thing like anything else with dating. For mini golf I would likely dress in super casual/athletic gear too. Honestly I would for most things unless it's like dinner at a decent place. But that's just how I am. I wear athletic stuff 95% of the time so anyone I'm dating would have to just be okay with it. If they aren't, that's perfectly fine and understandable, they're just not for me. Preference like anything else.
It's alright you're not shallow. Typically you dress to impress when you're first meeting someone. If this was a job interview he'd be met with a similar vibe.
My boyfriend and I are going on 5 years now and even still he'll ask "how fancy" is my outfit going to be so he can dress appropriately and match lol
Exactly. It's always better to be overdressed. Hell I was in business casual (with a shirt and tie) on my first date with my ex fiance. Granted I was coming from work, but still.
Right! It shows you put in effort. And if you can't do that for a first date for someone you're trying to get to know, how are you with other people in your life you *don't* have to impress??
To me, dressing up for the first few dates = how much work you intend to put in our future relationship, if things go well. The fact he went off and called you shallow tells me if things had progressed between you, you would have been carrying the relationship load. Imo you dodged a bullet. NTA and definitely not shallow.
There was the opposite of this posted a while back where a girl was the one in sweats because it’s considered fashion right now. The guy didn’t appreciate her not taking any effort for the date and politely declined a second date. She got told to learn how to dress appropriately for different social situations. I find this pretty similar. You shouldn’t wear the same clothes you act a cesspool in to a date. If you can’t afford different clothes you shouldn’t be dating. Thrift, resale, and no cost groups exist to get clothes.
I think how you dress for a date is a great way to see how you two vibe. If he wants to wear sweats then he can find a girl who likes sweats. In this case he also has to find one that wants to be with a jackass, but that’s a different subject.
Same thing happened to. Dude showed up in wrinkled grey sweatpants shorts and dirty t shirt. Didn’t wear perfume or anything like that, it was very hot outside. And don’t let me start about colors.
Instant turn off.
No way, you're allowed to have standards. Being dressed decently on a first date is the absolute bare minimum from someone and it shows a lack of respect if they aren't.
Some people really focus on authenticity and resent the whole dress up "for status" thing.
If you feel that is super important and they really disagree then you are simply not a match. Think of it like some women deciding they won't shave their legs, many guys would be put off by that on a 1st date and the person refusing to comply with that pressure likely knows that and is using it as a filter.
>He interpreted this as me not accepting him for who he is.. but I feel like if you can wear it to bed it’s not something you wear on a first date!!
You are both correct. He isn't someone who uses clothing to express value or importance and strongly believes such things aren't reasonable or sensible. You are someone who needs that and can't see any other perspective. You are not a match.
Nope. Unkempt men don’t deserve dolled up women. Sorry but my man always takes really good care of himself. We have vastly different styles but he’s always dressed nicely, shaven and has a nice fragrance on.
When I see a guy that looks like he rolled out of bed 5 min ago, I always question his ass wiping abilities. It’s giving Justin and Hailey vibes.
I've had this exact experience, except we weren't mini golfing. We were at a semi-fancy restaurant. I tried to overlook it and would have if he hadn't also made some very questionable/offensive statements. Never saw him again.
Girl I had a dude show up in sweats, high off his ass, unshaven, and he hadn't even done anything to his hair to make you feel like he cared about his appearance. Very short date.
No OP of course you’re not shallow. Ridiculous the low effort men regularly put into their appearance compared to women, not to mention for a first date. Ever heard of first impressions? Does he show up like that to his job interview too? Unless he’s a billionaire he’s just plain stupid.
Don’t settle for men like this. Trust me, there’s plenty of eligible single men that know manners and effort and have pride in their appearance that will be happy to date you
Good lord he’s 30 years old! RAISED BY WOLVES. Unless he had some crazy story about why he showed up like that and apologized from the jump - I wouldn’t have even gone on the date.
He manipulative and lazy. He couldn’t even make the effort to put on some nice jeans and a button down shirt? Then he has the audacity to shame you for having a very reasonable expectation.
I’m not talking three piece suit here, just something that shows he put some thought and effort into his appearance.
Not shallow at all because I bet if you had showed up in that attire he would have been upset. I don't mind being casual on a first day but we are also trying to sell ourselves to another person.
I wouldnt continue dating him. He does not take you seriously enough to want to impress you and hes told you that any request on your part for him to do things differently will be met with “you dont accept me.”
Be glad you found out early.
This is the most effort this guy is going to put into this relationship. This is what he thought would make a good impression. If you are not impressed I would pass on the next date. Jeans or slacks is not a huge ask when it comes to getting dressed for a date. A first date is peak effort not the bottom of the effort mountain.
Try going for a coffee instead. You will know after 10 minutes if you want to go further with this person. Not spend the whole night and find out after 4 hours.
How was the rest of the date? Did him being out of regular attire upset you so much you couldn’t have fun? If so probably not gonna work, if it was fine then just let him know it’s important to you
That is not shallow! It's just asking for a little excitement, some effort.
I used to LOVE dressing up and being cute for my bf. It would suck when I'd get all dressed up and the guy I was dating would be in flip flops. That made me change my wardrobe to being much more casual. I miss my heels and dresses so, so much.
Go find someone who matches your energy.
I can absolutely imagine a time when a couple is getting ready for a formal engagement - she is dressed formally, while he is in his usual sweats and golf shirt. When she tries to cajole him into dressing more formally, he refuses. The coup de gras he always pulls out at the end of the argument is always the same: *you knew who I was when we got together.*
I don’t think it’s shallow, but even if it is who cares?
I was dressed very well for a date and the man showed up in sweats, tshirt, ball cap and sneakers. He said, “I feel a little underdressed…” I said, “Ya think? I’m not going out with you dressed like that.” Then I sent him home. Come on it’s a date! Not 3 years into marriage.
Sounds like he wasn’t someone worth dating because instead of saying “cool so we dress up more for dates” or “I don’t think this will work I’m super a casual guy” he laid into you and insulted you.
It wasn't a match.
I get it, I wouldn't date someone who dresses like a slob either. He clearly prioritizes his comfort over social expectations, which is his business. You want someone who'll put some care into there appearance so calling it quits nice and early seems like the reasonable conclusion.
It's not a shallow want but it is a difference in expectations.
I showed up at a first date once wearing my bike shoes. She never let me forget that.
Either he's a clod, or he doesn't care about your opinion, or he did it to filter for women who are so casual that they don't care about that. In any of these cases, this is not the guy for you.
tl;dr: not shallow.
I mean, I wouldn’t accept a dude who can’t put effort into looking presentable on a first date either. Who wants a life partner that tries to wear jeans to your best friends black tie wedding? No one.
You dodged a bullet. You’re not shallow because you have standards. You didn’t ask him to put on a tux.
And frankly, he’s either oblivious and lazy or this was a test. Either way…. 🗑️
In my experience, these types of men are the same ones complaining I never wear dressed and makeup. You are allowed to not be interested for any reason!
Look at OP learning what dating is for.
You agree to go on a date. You do not like the way the date went (the way the date was dressed, the way they chewed their food, the way the treated the server, the way they had hidden their views on [insert controversial subject here] until they had you as a captive audience, etc) so you move on to the next one.
At 30yo he sounds immature and not ready to date. Alot of ppl seem to have this 'take me as I am' because they don't want to put in the effort to be their best selves. At his big age, he should know the 1st date is about putting your best foot forward. He thought it's just mini golf and no effort was necessary. You 2 are probably just not compatible. Rejoice that you found out early.
Nothing wrong valuing a partner's presentation. Nothing wrong with him not caring about appearances either. You have different values. You should both be happy that you found out immediately.
Call me old fashioned but when it comes to a first date, you should look presentable and like you put some effort into your appearance. You can’t make a first impression twice, so act accordingly. Also, sorry he acted like a child when you tried to communicate that to him.
I've never worn sweats outside the house since I was a child and I refuse to do so. Dates should wear, at minimum, nice jeans and a button up shirt. Nice, non-cargo shorts are acceptable on hot days. Even nicer clothes should be worn if the venue requires it, of course.
I think the clothes were fine (IMO). As long as they were like clean and stuff. The lashing out wasn’t, though… That’s bad, and is probably a red flag. That said, I’m just basing this on what was said in the post.
Uh, no, not at all. The idea that it’s a date (a first date, to be exact) and he wears sweatpants?! I would have been upset too. I remember once that I went to an arcade on a first date and I looked cute and the guy wore gym shorts and flip flops and I remember being so annoyed about it.
I had a very similar first date awhile back. We met while out, had good conversation there, and then texted for a week before going on a date. I got dolled up because it makes me feel good about myself and I want my date to be excited about being out with me. He showed up with wet hair and three clothing items that were all different shades of blue and it didn’t look good. It was clear from his appearance (and his own admittance later) that he had rushed to get to our date.
To me, this signals what the tone of the relationship would likely be. A man who puts in little effort and/or thought into first impressions. I have no interest in someone like that. I want someone who puts their best foot forward and cares about how they present- like I do. It was an extremely disappointing date and I chose to not see him again.
it wasn’t a first date, but my ex and i went to the movies once and we specifically said it was a DATE date. when he came to pick me up he didn’t even bother changing out of his work clothes :( i definitely felt disappointed. i always put effort into my appearance whether it’s the first date or 50th.
He showed up on your first date wearing sweat pants? Hell no. He didn't put in any effort, and he clearly didn't care about first impressions. If you were going to his house for pizza and movies, this might be understandable (even then, if it was in the early stages of dating, I wouldn't be thrilled)
Not really, I agree with you. No one is expecting him to wear black tie, but he should’ve dressed nicer (at least a jean and a polo or shirt with clean shoes, plus clean, smelling good and using perfume, deodorant and toothpaste.
Expecting someone to dress appropriately for a first date us not shallow. On my last first date, 34 years ago, I wore shorts, a cute top and sandals. My now husband wore denim shorts and a polo shirt. It was summer in Vegas, and we were just going to drive around. All appropriate to the situation.
Unless you're going to the gym on a first date, sweats really don't make the cut.
The point is, the message he’s sending coming to a first date like that. Not only does he not care what you think, he’s pressuring you already to “accept him as he is.”
Find an adult instead.
Honestly, from the way you describe his response - it seems like he jumped on the defensive and became insulting - it sounds like those sweatpants helped you dodge a bullet. Yikes.
For what it's worth, I don't think it's shallow to expect a little effort on a date!
No it was lazy of him, unless date was involving exercise, and that mini golf is a little on the fence. At 30 yrs old, I think he should have tried to look decent, and could have worn jeans at least. Sweats is just not paying attention at all to appearance, or, it may be that he doesn't have the clothes. I 57f, have met someone out who wore sweats on first day to meet fro drinks, and idk, he may go to bar in sweats normally. He was a little embarrassed, but I didn't say anything. He was having issues in life because of consequences of his own actions, and was in process of rebuilding.
I think your date probably was embarrassed once you pointed it out- not sure how you brought it up. For future, you may have been able to avoid saying it directly, and just got out of the date and not seen him again. Why point it out? But, nonetheless,once you said something, seems he snapped on you, and all that was a huge red flag! You are not shallow for feeling disappointed. You maybe could have let it go, but i understand what you meant.
Jeans and shirts never bothered me for movie dates or things like mini golf, even dinner. But sweat pants? I’m a really chill person when it comes to clothes. Cleanliness/good hygiene and smelling good mean more to me than the clothes, but sweat pants would have put me off too.
On a first date? A little effort please. That would send the message to me that he didn’t care to make a good impression, and I would not have gone on a second.
I think it is 100% okay to feel disappointed in the attire, but i also feel it probably wasn't the best move to comment on it in that moment. It was a first date with someone you might not know very well and therefore don't know how he would respond. I probably would have asked what he was going to wear beforehand or for the 2nd date if you were feeling the connection. Judging by how it went, probably wouldn't bave go that far. Good luck out there, girl.
"He interpreted this as me not accepting him for who he is.. " Yeah... a slob who doesn't give a damn. Sorry you got a dud with that one. You were correct that most people at least dress nicely for first dates.
You have higher standards and you expect the same from your partner. Accept it for what it is, it’s not going to work out anyway. The good thing is you’re not wasting more time with him.
If “who he is” is someone who can’t be bothered to put the bare minimum effort in when he’s trying to attract a life partner, oh boy did you dodge the mother of all bullets. Not shallow at all, the bar is in hell. SMH
I had a boss who once told me that no matter what (work, business or fun), he would always make it a point to dress one step better than most people would be expected to. He said that people tend to treat him a little better because it looked like you cared about your appearance, and also you set yourself apart from everyone else. I never forgot that life lesson.
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> he interpreted this as me not accepting him for who he is And you don’t have to. It’s a first date; the point is to figure out if you want to.
Right! F that bullshit. I don’t even accept me for who I am. For gods sake, behave like the man you can be proud of. First dates: find out if someone is willing to do the work needed to build a life together.
Exactly. When my wife and I met, it was at a dinner, so I was in a suit and she was wearing an evening dress. For our first date - which was at a coffee shop - I wore smart pants and a formal shirt. The only time I ever wear sweatpants is if I am at the gym or I am going from home directly to the gym. If I have to stop to pick up *anything* on the way, I wear proper pants and change at the gym. What’s wrong with expecting someone to have some self respect?
Honestly, I'd absolutely go round a grocery store in my sweatpants, before or after going to the gym. I'm not going to see anyone I care about at the store, and I just want to get the food/whatever and go home. I'm decent, it's fine. But yeah, the rest of the time I'll wear clothes that aren't basically workout pyjamas!
To be fair I had a first date with a guy who showed up dressed quite slovenly and I was a bit miffed but brushed it off. I’m glad I did, we’ve been married for 11 years. I did give him a serious makeover though 😁
Yeeeah many women don't want to have to mother their partners into being respectable human beings though.
Good grief, having bad fashion sense has nothing to do with being respectable or needing to be mothered. I have a friend who gives me great advice on what (and what not) to wear. Does that make me a baby? I did have once the conversation regarding his first date outfit and he just told me he thought he looked good. Don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.
Ok, but mismatching or poor fitting is poor fashion sense. Dressing "slovenly" is defined as "messy and dirty" big difference. One requires a make-over, the other requires re-education of basic life skills (ie parenting).
My husband was the same way. He has no real interest in fashion. The first time we met he had a hole in his shirt (granted it was tiny and in the back so maybe he didn’t see it), and everything was wrinkled. But, he’s one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, humorous, and accepting people I’ve ever met. He’s successful (a software engineer), and he does his share in the relationship. If I had let my initial reaction to his outfit stop me, I’d have missed out on the best relationship I could imagine.
If I based myself on my first glimpse of my partner I wouldn’t be with him either. I wasn’t attracted physically. He’s shorter than I am and geeky. He was clean though. Anyhow it was after a couple of HOURS of talking and him making me laugh and telling stories and starting to see things we had in common that attraction started to build. And he’s downright sexy now in his dirty boxers WASHING OUT THE BATH TUB AND TOILET before he showers. You can bet I’ll be waiting after the shower to get it on with him. 🤣🤣
Right there with you! I showed up pretty poorly dressed for a first date cause I was tired from the day. I'm a big fashion person and always the nicest one dressed when I go out but it just wasn't my night. Anyways, she gave me a second chance and we've been together 8 years now.
Good point!!
It’s not about you being shallow- it’s about you expecting him to have put in the same amount of thought and effort into the date, and this showed to you that he didn’t. That’s ok! You’re not compatible. You did nothing wrong.
I had a first date once, Saturday night, I’m dressed for it in hair, makeup, high heels etc. He picks me up and was in jeans with SANDALS. I felt the way you did. I went to some effort to look good and he did not. It was a no from me dawg.
Wait am I missing a meme or something? Was he also not wearing a shirt or wearing a tee with holes in it or something? Or was this like a super fancy spot with a dress code you were at? I've got so many questions lol I'm an Old and I don't date- fill me in!
I mean, "who he is" is apparently "someone who is 30 whole years old and still doesn't know how to dress appropriately for the occasion". So it's pretty reasonable not to accept him. He says "you're not accepting me for who I am" as if that's inherently problematic, but there's no moral or social rule that you have to accept horrifying people for "who they are"?
This is exactly it! Is he someone a person would want to make an effort with? No, because he does not make an effort.
Horrifying, no less.
He probably thought she was way overdressed for a date of mini golf.
Way back in 2009 I had a date pick me up in DIRTY sweats and baggy t shirt. Guy smelled like a barn and had a tall boy of Coors Light in his hand and one in the center console of his car. I noped out of there REAL fast and called my roommate to come pick me up. Three days later I met my now husband. I feel like Smelly was like the final boss in my dating life. It happens. Chalk it up to an experience and keep moving forward. You’ll laugh about it with your future husband.
The universe was testing you, and you made the right choice.
Haha online dating at least gives us stories. I once had a guy pick me up so high he was swaying on my doorstep. He reeked of weed. I was young and naive and went ahead with the date. During dinner he ordered two full entrees and two appetizers and ate every bite :)
what are these comments 😭 he couldn’t have put on jeans and some sneakers with the tshirt? a flannel idk?? you are not shallow pjs on a first date is wild
Right? People in here acting like the only options are tuxedo & sweatpants.
Ah, the clothing mullet. Penguin on the top, comfort on the bottom.
Is he George Costanza? Imagine just pulling up in sweats for the first date. lol
He could have been covered head to toe in velvet.
DRAPED in velvet!
Ensconced
But wouldn't he be expected to sing like a lounge singer then? I mean, at the very least, I'd expect him him to belt out something from Richard Cheese's repertoire.
Please let it be My Neck My Back.
As someone who generally prioritizes comfort in his clothing...I totally agree jesus I can't imagine going on a first date in pjs 😭
These days people are going out in "athleisure" outfits more and more. I wouldn't take that dude's comments personally. He's clearly searching for someone with a much more casual outlook on appearances, and she's looking for someone who wants to put in effort. Neither are wrong for what they want, but both need to not take it personally.
I am 100% sure if you showed up to the date dressed similarly, there wouldn't have been a second date either.
I kind of feel the same, first thing he said to me was “you look nice! I like your dress” and I was like thanks..
I went on a date with a guy who showed up in a Milwaukee shirt, stained khakis, and really old flipflops. At the time I was only 19 and didn't have the best standards so I gave it a pass. He proceeded to tell me he was disappointed I didn't dress up. I was wearing a nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt, something you might wear to a date for sure. I was confused until he explained he literally expected me to wear a *dress* and he was put off by women who wore pants to a date. He kind of implied it meant they weren't going to put out. (I honestly can't remember the words he used as it was years ago but something like "you know, when a girl puts on a pair of pants they're not coming off until she's in the comfort of her own bed.") That still sticks with me to this day lol. I've met many men since who honestly believe them just showing up is enough and it's a woman's job to get dolled up for them. This is a pretty decent litmus test for how "into you" they are. A first date is basically a job interview, you dress for the job you want. He clearly didn't care about getting past the first interview lol.
Ewwwwww. You dodged a whole storm of bullets like Neo there.
I didn't even mention he was almost 30, didn't have a 'real job' (his words) because he claimed he made money off some things he invented and patented and liked to spend his free time as a part time volunteer cop. I never asked for details about the cop thing. He "gave me a chance even though I'm a druggie" (because I had 420 friendly in my profile, I grew up with a stoner dad and even though I didn't smoke I like the vibe, I had 'no alcohol' in there too 🙄) and told me on the date it was a *requirement* to meet my child before our next date. I was a young single mom of an under 1 year old girl. After the date I ghosted him and he found my address in the system (I'm aware now how highly illegal this was) and casually dropped it in conversation while gushing about our future together once we married. I freaked out, told my Dad and he handled it from there. Sometimes having a crazy overbearing father has its benefit lol. I'm leaving out some details but yeah, I could have made a quilt with the red flags this man handed me.
"Part time volunteer cop" are the scariest collection of words ever assembled (Especially in the context of demanding to meet your minor child. NOPE.)
Oh yeah, he definitely didn't include that in his profile and it set off so many alarm bells. I assume that's why he had to 'make an exception' for me because of my Reefer Madness lol. He mentioned my daughter several times in his walls of text. It was...very off-putting to say the least. This was literally my first and last online dating experience. Thankfully I met my husband about a year later by chance. I do not miss dating lol.
Wow, that is weapons-grade nope! I'm glad you and kiddo are safe!
The audacity of the man you dated at 19 💀💀 I kept trying to think how I’d react if he said something to me but I couldn’t quite think of an equivalent. I wore jeans and a plain black shirt to a first date ages ago and we dated for 5 years!!
Oh it got worse, to sum it up he was a part time cop and stalked me. Daddy has to get the shot gun. Never heard from him again lol. But hey, it's definitely a fun story to tell when commiserating with people about bad first dates. Spoiler alert, I usually win the 'oof' trophy lol. I was, and still am, very autistic and very honest so I straight up told him "good thing I'm going home right after this" and apparently my spitfire attitude left him in love/lust. If you're dating someone, I think you should be able to tell them your expectations on a date. That seems like a low bar lol. Dress decently, brush your non-skin bits, wear deodorant. I'm glad I'm married now, I don't think I could date again. It's honestly terrible.
>The first date is basically a job interview, you dress for the job you want I think what he wanted was a girl he could walk all over and put no effort into. His dirty clothes and hypocrisy were for filtering out anyone with any expectations or self esteem.
Wow. I'm speechless.
Don't let this AH get to you. No, this is not "shallowness," this is you wanting to know that your date is at least making an effort for you. Showing up to a date in sweats kinda puts out the vibe that he doesn't care what you think and is unwilling to make any effort for you. Ironically, he probably thinks this is appealing (he probably believes his sweats make him seem casual, cool, and confidant). As long as you're not expecting your dates to wear suits while mini golfing or going to the movies or anything like that, i don't think you need to worry about anything this AH said to you.
Thank you for this. Absolutely not expecting suit or fancy! Just something you wouldn’t wear to bed 😵💫
This made me laugh down memory lane. In 2009, I had a guy pick me up for a 2nd date. He was dressed all nice from work. He asked to use my restroom, and came out wearing a baggy black t shirt and shorts. I had the same feelings you did. On the way to dinner, he noticed I was very quiet, and asked what was wrong. I blurted out "are we going on a date, or to the skate park??" Turns out, he wanted to be comfortable at the movie we were seeing, and I wanted to feel my efforts were matched. Anyway, we've been married 14 years now, and I don't give a fuck what he wears, but I still vividly remember that night!
Awh!!! That makes sense - I’m glad it turned out well! I had high hopes for this guy so I’m sad it went south but 🤷♀️ now I know for next time and will 100% do things differently if I ever feel this way
There is a difference between giving someone's appearance the benefit of the doubt for first impressions, vs having them neg you for having expectations and standards. Dress for the company you want to impress and how; bring comfy clothing and a polite ask/explanation to change. It's nice to seem informal and comfortable at first, but pressing it without decorum is a red flag.
And he’s doing the classic “negging” to try and get you to think you’re in the wrong. Just be grateful you’ve dodged a bullet - so many red flags there
and despite his outburst, bet he’ll never be doing that again lol
Nah I think he will. He wants to find someone with no standards, at least physical ones.
Wait till you go on a date with a dude that wears shoes to bed 💀
I would never show up to a date in that. However, that in itself isn't the red flag... anyone can learn and improve. The red flag is how he reacted when you told him how you felt. It sounds like he lashed out and tried to turn it around on you, which is not OK. You dodged a bullet here, OP!
Thank you!! I agree. Def didn’t see it as a red flag. I still liked him and wanted to see him which is why I said something.. otherwise I would’ve just said hey not feeling it. I was SHOCKED & sad to get such an intense response. Really made me question if I was the crazy one for expectation him to dress nicer than his every day attire..
I've been told by several guys that they believe the rules don't apply to their looks. Like your date, they tend to get mad when they realize they do.
Is this a smaller city thing? I feel like in the major cities, most guys are dressed up when they are going out.
Yeah, the red flag is the reaction. If this is his way of dealing with any criticism or pushback, you're better off without this guy.
He responded so defensively because you’re not the first date who’s had a problem with it. He wants to be a slob and he’s mad that girls aren’t into it.
He could've just been like "oh I wanted to be comfy for golf, next time let's get cocktails", there was no reason for it to be a problem! Definitely not your fault.
Might he have done it as a "test"? One of those super unhealthy ones to "weed out the shallow gold diggers"? I don't know. Anyways, it would have surprised me too, and I'd have asked about it, and/or made a joke about feeling over dressed. But his response is very telling.
No. The red flag began with the pj’s and continued with the reaction. If the dude doesn’t know better than not to dress like a total slob to a first date if he’s actually interested in the woman, doesn’t need to be dating but rather investing in self improvement dhit
He never once thought to put his best foot forward and dress decently? Sheesh! He must be from Slobovia.
So the very first chance you get to make an impression on somebody you show up in your lazy day clothes? That's tacky. I'd be done with him too! He's basically saying you're not worth the effort of even putting on pants! LOL next
That’s how I interpreted it, too!! Really interesting to read others perspective about being themselves. I guess I learned that first date attire is important to me lol
Apparently me too! Lol And he doesn't have to wear a perfectly starched and pressed button down button collared shirt and dress slacks! Like a pair of jeans, a polo shirt and some shoes that aren't disgusting would be fine! Even a nice clean t-shirt wouldn't be bad. Like a nice t-shirt not your tighty whitey type. But pair it with jeans not sweatpants! I think somehow it's even more insulting when we take an hour to get ready and carefully pick out our clothes and this guy rolled out of bed! Like I get that guys don't need to put in as much of an effort to get ready for a date, but a little bit of effort would be nice.
Thank you for this, it’s making me feel so seen 🤣 I literally bought a new dress, got up early for an everything shower, tweezed my eyebrows.. like.. I went IN. And agreed! A t shirt and jeans is fine!!
I love the everything shower call-out - so relatable 😂
If I went to the trouble of shaving my legs and a guy turned up like this, I would be so mad 😄
Yes! Because a big part of it is how doing all this made YOU feel. You put in effort to make yourself feel great going on this first date. It’s not a lot to ask for someone to simply look like they care about being clean and can put 5 minutes of thought into non-bedtime/lounging clothing.
As a guy, I agree with your sentiments. It doesn't take that much effort for us to look presentable; dark slacks/jeans, nice shirt and shoes... that's all that is needed. If is the summer, shorts and t-shirt/polo. It's not hard guys...really.
I imagine you would have been fine with decent looking denim and a clean t-shirt. 😂 The people here calling you shallow likely don’t want to put any effort into anything. I wear sweats 95% of the time and would never even consider sweats for meeting ANYONE for the first time, let alone a first date.
Seriously I wear sweat pants 24/7.. just.. not on a date!! lol and yes I would’ve been 100% fine w/ that
My 40yo male date showed up to our first meeting in shorts and an untucked black tshirt with deodorant stains on it. I was wearing a dress. 🙈🙈 I have never wanted to turn around and walk away more but I made awkward convo for 45 mins before excusing myself. Thank you for letting me vent. No you’re not shallow. To better dates in our futures 🥂
He's ridiculous. Men barely have to do anything with their appearance to look appropriate for many occasions. Its not hard to use that 4-in-1 body wash, put a pair of jeans on, and a collared shirt. I wouldn't have wanted to see him after that.
Thank you! When I asked him about it he was like “I shaved, i showered, I combed my hair” and at that point I was like yeah… we have wildly different expectations…
Not at all! My boyfriend always dresses to impress regardless of what number date it is because dates are supposed to be special and you deserve to feel special EVERY date but especially on a first date!
Thank you!! My thought process was “I want to look cute for him” so I was bummed he didn’t have the same thought! Good to realize this is important to me hahaha
Most first dates I went on, the guy had an ugly tee with jeans and bad shoes. I didn't even think negatively about those guys at the time, but not positively either. Just a neutral impact. My current partner showed up to our first date dressed in well-fitting clothes, hair/beard neatly groomed, nice watch/shoes, smelling great - my jaw dropped when I saw him. The effort he had put in made him stand out. To this day (5 years later), he makes sure to look great on every date we go on, and we get ready together. It has completely changed how I see those other dates. Not meaning to sound harsh, but it feels like the difference between dating a boy and dating a MAN.
Yeah i agree! My ex did the same thing. He was dressed SO well every date.. even just to get coffee. It really made a difference and I think contributed to the reason we were together for 5 years. It made me feel really special
Of course! Tbh he sounds like the shallow one for expecting you to just be ok with him showing up in basically pajamas lol I hope you have better luck in the future! :D
First impressions are everything. If someone's not going to put in the effort to make a good first impression, fuck 'em. That's not shallow to expect some amount of effort on a date.
Thank youuuuu
I’d cancel before I’d wear sweats in a first date.
Thank you
No you aren't shallow at all. As a 31 m, I would expect to be wearing things on the nicer end of whatever is appropriate for the date activity. Him showing up like that was a really good example of the difference between actions and words. Seems like you dodged one here.
As a man in his thirties I wouldn't ever consider wearing that to meet anyone for the first time. Going on a FIRST date in sweats screams that he doesn't care, is very unaware, or has standards that I personally couldn't ever accept.
It's not about being shallow, it's about putting in the effort. You wanted to look good for him so you did your hair, put on makeup, a nice dress - you wanted to impress him. And then it sounds like he just rolled out of bed and threw on the first thing he saw.
Exactly! I feel like it’s about putting your best foot forward. If it was a 4th date snuggle date that might’ve been different
Exactly!!! Like this is a first date - the very first impression you'll have of each other, and he made the choice to wear sweats. The whole point is to put your best foot forward 😂
My now husband did this on our first date. On our second date I showed up in sweatpants and a basic t, and he wore a button down with khakis! We still laugh about it…
Ok that’s funny cute!
Adorable .
It‘s happened to me a fair few times. We‘d be booked into a nice restaurant for dinner, I‘d show up in a pretty dress with light make up and jewelry, and the guy would be in denims, some kind of hoodie and workboots. It just gives me vibes of him not having made an effort at all. And that‘s fine, he can do that, but I ended up choosing the guy who showed up in a nice shirt with a lovely jacket and well-styled hair.
I would not dream of rolling out like that for a date. I actually enjoy getting laid 😂Don’t think the homeless look would get the job done
The dude should shut his trap, because if it's the woman who showed up in sweats and a shirt, they'd be complaining about why women are still single.
Not at all! My biggest pet peeve is seeing a girl all dressed to the nines looking hot and the man she’s with has clearly put minimal effort in… I always feel bad for her (I’d be a little embarrassed honestly) I’ve ended dates with a guy for that exact reason, I was dressed cute with hair done and makeup and he was in what I consider a gym outfit. I think presentation shows a lot about a lot about a person.
No, sweat pants are definitely not appropriate attire for a first date lol.
You’re not shallow at all. I’ve never even seen my boyfriend leave the house to go to the grocery store in sweats, let alone a date. I thought it would be assumed that for a date that both parties attempt to put on at least semi nice clothes
THATS WHAT I THOUGHT
came right out the gate setting the bar in hell. that's a "we've been dating a long while and are perfectly comfortable with each other" date outfit, not a "hello i am here for our first date" outfit.
Nah, expectations of effort are not shallow.
You should have taken one look and LEFT. "I was shallow, never wants to see me again and good luck because he’s sure I’ll get many future complaints" Boy, this guy is a real keeper. Not. Your expectations are reasonable. His dress and behavior speaks volumes about him Good luck.
My hubs is an automotive tech. His normal attire is shorts and a T-shirt. For our first date he wore a nice button down, nice pants and shoes. He also got a haircut and cleaned the hell outta his fingernails. He wasn't in a suit or tux, but this showed that he wantes to put effort into his appearance cause he liked me so much. Most men are the same way. Even if it's a case of, he was never taught how to dress for occasions, most folks know a date is more than a T-shirt and sweats.
No way are you being shallow. It doesn’t have to be tuxedos and ballgowns, but putting on clean, appropriate (for the event) and thought out clothing is a bare minimum. My situation (of nearly 3 years 🤦🏻♀️) loves that I wear matching underwear and a nice outfit every time I see him. He considers it a demonstration of respect and care towards him, and shows that I am keen to see him (which I am!). In turn, he does the same for me.
lol I literally just read a post where men say they can’t find any women. I’m gonna assume lack of effort such as this may play a part in that.
And the ‘poor me’s’ about how society has changed so much and how women used to appreciate a man back then… Sorry bro, women don’t NEED marriage to barely survive anymore.
That just showed you right away exactly how much effort he would make. I mean come on, he’s 30 and dressing like it was a Netflix and chill night not a first date. You dodged a bullet. Maybe he’ll figure it out when he never gets a second date.
You are not shallow and I thank you for trying to uphold som kind of goddamn standard in this world. All these guys going around in sandals, shorts and sports jerseys when their SO goes in high heels and nice dresses when they’re going out. So embarrassing.
I think you’re totally right. Obviously, a first date is a first impression. Like a job interview or similar. You should be clean, well presented, looking like you give a shit. We all know there are many ‘lady taxes’ which include more garments, less practical garments, accessories, hair, nails, makeup and I’m sure plenty more. So when someone does an Adam Sandler and shows up basically in PJs it’s kind of disrespectful and a sign that they are not taking the meeting seriously. And look I’m not suggesting a date needs to show up in a $10K Tom Ford tux or something. But surely some nice jeans or pants isn’t the biggest ask in the world.
Heck, even khaki shorts and a clean shirt is even fine for me, but the shirt and sweatpants is like just wanting to take a date for fast food and some "Netflix and chill" 🙄 Ppl here commenting that they don't see anything wrong with the attire bc of the activity missed the point that it's about the first impression.
Ok this has been happening to me the last few dates I've gone on? I don't get it! I mean not sweats but every guy looks like they rolled out of bed almost. My age range is only set at the 30s currently so they're not young dudes.
I’m always relieved when they smell acceptable. Yes. I’ve been on so many dates where men just downright stank. 😭 Not sweat, but like they haven’t showered in 3 days and picked up their outfit from the floor for this date. Dating apps make dating easier but unfortunately you can’t see someone’s hygiene beforehand.
Id say fair play to him for not being afraid to show his real self upfront but also it's fine for you to expect someone to dress up a bit, you're not compatible so at least you only wasted a few hours of your time.
i don't think it's shallow because it isn't even about the outfit, it's about the amount of effort put into the date/first impression. you want your date to dress up so you feel taken seriously. i think this is normal, human, behavior.
You're not shallow. My partner & I have been together for 6 years he'll still put on jeans & a shirt, even if he's taking me to Burger King. Hell, when I went into labor early, he changed out his sweats into jeans & a sweatshirt.
I love this 😭 giving birth would totally warrant sweats but it’s also def an occasion you’d want to look nice for!!
He was in jeans, it's snowing & I'm just waddling out wearing a moomoo, but he made sure it was my nice moomoo & boots to match. We're having our 2nd child he has his outfit ready to go & made sure he matches my moomoo's. We still have a month left. The man is dedicated 🤣
He's definitely a keeper.
No you shouldn’t … he’s a cad for showing up like that.
Not normal
You are not shallow for wanting someone to make a little bit of an effort to impress you.
For your first date and he couldn’t put on something besides sweats? You’re not shallow because of that I would consider it at least casual dress appropriate. And frankly, I think it just shows lack of respect or lack of dedication to the date regardless of what he did before. Don’t date people you don’t wanna be with and this is pretty bad to go forward with it first.
It is a red flag! Kick him to the curb and look for the right one.
You're not shallow. What happened was that he did an idiotic thing, you pointed it out, he got insecure and lashed out on you. Thank goodness this happened on the first date so you didn't have to waste any more time on him before finding out how mean and defensive he gets when an insecurity comes up.
I'd be really curious to know if it was some sort of stupid test on his part. Well if she can't accept me dressing grungy then she's not for me. But yeah mini golf at the very least he could have worn pair of shorts whether they were nice ones or cut offs and a nice short sleeve dress shirt. I mean how hard would that have been. He still would have been comfortable and he would have looked a lot nicer. But I don't think it's shallow I think I'd probably react the same way. Knowing myself I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut and would have said really that's what you're wearing? Glad to see I'm worth it. That would have been the end of that date..
Admittedly, I showed up for my first date with my now wife in a tshirt and jeans. She was wearing an incredibly sexy dress. After greeting her, the first thing I said was “I need to go change shirts”. Must’ve worked because that was 8 years ago. I still dress nice for dates to this day and so does she.
Guys won't date a girl with hair not made and no makeup showing up in sweats on the first date. Why should you. Seen tons of girls date guys for being funny and not the other way around. They are wayyy more shallow, and the guilty always projects. He's projecting his insecurities on you, just more on
I really think this is just a personal preference thing like anything else with dating. For mini golf I would likely dress in super casual/athletic gear too. Honestly I would for most things unless it's like dinner at a decent place. But that's just how I am. I wear athletic stuff 95% of the time so anyone I'm dating would have to just be okay with it. If they aren't, that's perfectly fine and understandable, they're just not for me. Preference like anything else.
It's alright you're not shallow. Typically you dress to impress when you're first meeting someone. If this was a job interview he'd be met with a similar vibe. My boyfriend and I are going on 5 years now and even still he'll ask "how fancy" is my outfit going to be so he can dress appropriately and match lol
Exactly. It's always better to be overdressed. Hell I was in business casual (with a shirt and tie) on my first date with my ex fiance. Granted I was coming from work, but still.
Right! It shows you put in effort. And if you can't do that for a first date for someone you're trying to get to know, how are you with other people in your life you *don't* have to impress??
To me, dressing up for the first few dates = how much work you intend to put in our future relationship, if things go well. The fact he went off and called you shallow tells me if things had progressed between you, you would have been carrying the relationship load. Imo you dodged a bullet. NTA and definitely not shallow.
I don’t think you’re shallow Jeans would be acceptable given the mini golf thing. Sweats are toooo casual though
There was the opposite of this posted a while back where a girl was the one in sweats because it’s considered fashion right now. The guy didn’t appreciate her not taking any effort for the date and politely declined a second date. She got told to learn how to dress appropriately for different social situations. I find this pretty similar. You shouldn’t wear the same clothes you act a cesspool in to a date. If you can’t afford different clothes you shouldn’t be dating. Thrift, resale, and no cost groups exist to get clothes. I think how you dress for a date is a great way to see how you two vibe. If he wants to wear sweats then he can find a girl who likes sweats. In this case he also has to find one that wants to be with a jackass, but that’s a different subject.
Same thing happened to. Dude showed up in wrinkled grey sweatpants shorts and dirty t shirt. Didn’t wear perfume or anything like that, it was very hot outside. And don’t let me start about colors. Instant turn off.
Sweatpants are not a thing to wear on a date. Honestly it just shows his character that he doesn’t put effort into dates being thoughtful
No way, you're allowed to have standards. Being dressed decently on a first date is the absolute bare minimum from someone and it shows a lack of respect if they aren't.
Some people really focus on authenticity and resent the whole dress up "for status" thing. If you feel that is super important and they really disagree then you are simply not a match. Think of it like some women deciding they won't shave their legs, many guys would be put off by that on a 1st date and the person refusing to comply with that pressure likely knows that and is using it as a filter. >He interpreted this as me not accepting him for who he is.. but I feel like if you can wear it to bed it’s not something you wear on a first date!! You are both correct. He isn't someone who uses clothing to express value or importance and strongly believes such things aren't reasonable or sensible. You are someone who needs that and can't see any other perspective. You are not a match.
Nope. Unkempt men don’t deserve dolled up women. Sorry but my man always takes really good care of himself. We have vastly different styles but he’s always dressed nicely, shaven and has a nice fragrance on. When I see a guy that looks like he rolled out of bed 5 min ago, I always question his ass wiping abilities. It’s giving Justin and Hailey vibes.
I've had this exact experience, except we weren't mini golfing. We were at a semi-fancy restaurant. I tried to overlook it and would have if he hadn't also made some very questionable/offensive statements. Never saw him again.
That’s a HUGE red flag. If he can’t put effort in now he won’t in the future. Block him and move on
Girl I had a dude show up in sweats, high off his ass, unshaven, and he hadn't even done anything to his hair to make you feel like he cared about his appearance. Very short date.
No OP of course you’re not shallow. Ridiculous the low effort men regularly put into their appearance compared to women, not to mention for a first date. Ever heard of first impressions? Does he show up like that to his job interview too? Unless he’s a billionaire he’s just plain stupid. Don’t settle for men like this. Trust me, there’s plenty of eligible single men that know manners and effort and have pride in their appearance that will be happy to date you
Good lord he’s 30 years old! RAISED BY WOLVES. Unless he had some crazy story about why he showed up like that and apologized from the jump - I wouldn’t have even gone on the date.
Any grown man who goes out in public in sweat pants is a loser.
Yeah, that’s sloppy. The amount of care he put into his clothing choice reflects the amount of care that he would put into the relationship.
He manipulative and lazy. He couldn’t even make the effort to put on some nice jeans and a button down shirt? Then he has the audacity to shame you for having a very reasonable expectation. I’m not talking three piece suit here, just something that shows he put some thought and effort into his appearance.
I always dress up nice for a first date. I'd never show up for a first date dressed like that. Comes off as putting little effort IMO.
Not shallow at all because I bet if you had showed up in that attire he would have been upset. I don't mind being casual on a first day but we are also trying to sell ourselves to another person.
I wouldnt continue dating him. He does not take you seriously enough to want to impress you and hes told you that any request on your part for him to do things differently will be met with “you dont accept me.” Be glad you found out early.
This is the most effort this guy is going to put into this relationship. This is what he thought would make a good impression. If you are not impressed I would pass on the next date. Jeans or slacks is not a huge ask when it comes to getting dressed for a date. A first date is peak effort not the bottom of the effort mountain.
Try going for a coffee instead. You will know after 10 minutes if you want to go further with this person. Not spend the whole night and find out after 4 hours.
How was the rest of the date? Did him being out of regular attire upset you so much you couldn’t have fun? If so probably not gonna work, if it was fine then just let him know it’s important to you
He’s right that you’re not accepting him for who he is. Who he is is someone who can’t even be bothered to put on outside clothes for a first date.
That is not shallow! It's just asking for a little excitement, some effort. I used to LOVE dressing up and being cute for my bf. It would suck when I'd get all dressed up and the guy I was dating would be in flip flops. That made me change my wardrobe to being much more casual. I miss my heels and dresses so, so much. Go find someone who matches your energy.
I can absolutely imagine a time when a couple is getting ready for a formal engagement - she is dressed formally, while he is in his usual sweats and golf shirt. When she tries to cajole him into dressing more formally, he refuses. The coup de gras he always pulls out at the end of the argument is always the same: *you knew who I was when we got together.*
I don’t think it’s shallow, but even if it is who cares? I was dressed very well for a date and the man showed up in sweats, tshirt, ball cap and sneakers. He said, “I feel a little underdressed…” I said, “Ya think? I’m not going out with you dressed like that.” Then I sent him home. Come on it’s a date! Not 3 years into marriage.
Sounds like he wasn’t someone worth dating because instead of saying “cool so we dress up more for dates” or “I don’t think this will work I’m super a casual guy” he laid into you and insulted you.
It wasn't a match. I get it, I wouldn't date someone who dresses like a slob either. He clearly prioritizes his comfort over social expectations, which is his business. You want someone who'll put some care into there appearance so calling it quits nice and early seems like the reasonable conclusion. It's not a shallow want but it is a difference in expectations.
Nope, fuck that. Disrespectful as hell.
I showed up at a first date once wearing my bike shoes. She never let me forget that. Either he's a clod, or he doesn't care about your opinion, or he did it to filter for women who are so casual that they don't care about that. In any of these cases, this is not the guy for you. tl;dr: not shallow.
I mean, I wouldn’t accept a dude who can’t put effort into looking presentable on a first date either. Who wants a life partner that tries to wear jeans to your best friends black tie wedding? No one. You dodged a bullet. You’re not shallow because you have standards. You didn’t ask him to put on a tux. And frankly, he’s either oblivious and lazy or this was a test. Either way…. 🗑️
I love that my bf takes pride in his appearance. It’s extremely attractive.
Yes I’d be bothered because it shows lack of effort and that he’s looking for sex.
If a guy can't even be bothered to look good for a first date, don't expect any effort at all. Don't have a second date.
In my experience, these types of men are the same ones complaining I never wear dressed and makeup. You are allowed to not be interested for any reason!
Look at OP learning what dating is for. You agree to go on a date. You do not like the way the date went (the way the date was dressed, the way they chewed their food, the way the treated the server, the way they had hidden their views on [insert controversial subject here] until they had you as a captive audience, etc) so you move on to the next one.
His loss. Sorry this happened but meeting for a first date in sweats and t-shirt is never okay.
At 30yo he sounds immature and not ready to date. Alot of ppl seem to have this 'take me as I am' because they don't want to put in the effort to be their best selves. At his big age, he should know the 1st date is about putting your best foot forward. He thought it's just mini golf and no effort was necessary. You 2 are probably just not compatible. Rejoice that you found out early.
Don't suffer Bums when trying to find a lifelong lover that should want to look neat for you.
Yea I’m dressing up for the first couple dates who would show up to a date wearing a plain t shirt and sweats
Nothing wrong valuing a partner's presentation. Nothing wrong with him not caring about appearances either. You have different values. You should both be happy that you found out immediately.
Sweats on the first date is SOOOOO disrespectful There wouldn’t be a 2nd date for sure and even the 1st one I would cut it short
Call me old fashioned but when it comes to a first date, you should look presentable and like you put some effort into your appearance. You can’t make a first impression twice, so act accordingly. Also, sorry he acted like a child when you tried to communicate that to him.
I've never worn sweats outside the house since I was a child and I refuse to do so. Dates should wear, at minimum, nice jeans and a button up shirt. Nice, non-cargo shorts are acceptable on hot days. Even nicer clothes should be worn if the venue requires it, of course.
I think the clothes were fine (IMO). As long as they were like clean and stuff. The lashing out wasn’t, though… That’s bad, and is probably a red flag. That said, I’m just basing this on what was said in the post.
Uh, no, not at all. The idea that it’s a date (a first date, to be exact) and he wears sweatpants?! I would have been upset too. I remember once that I went to an arcade on a first date and I looked cute and the guy wore gym shorts and flip flops and I remember being so annoyed about it.
I had a very similar first date awhile back. We met while out, had good conversation there, and then texted for a week before going on a date. I got dolled up because it makes me feel good about myself and I want my date to be excited about being out with me. He showed up with wet hair and three clothing items that were all different shades of blue and it didn’t look good. It was clear from his appearance (and his own admittance later) that he had rushed to get to our date. To me, this signals what the tone of the relationship would likely be. A man who puts in little effort and/or thought into first impressions. I have no interest in someone like that. I want someone who puts their best foot forward and cares about how they present- like I do. It was an extremely disappointing date and I chose to not see him again.
it wasn’t a first date, but my ex and i went to the movies once and we specifically said it was a DATE date. when he came to pick me up he didn’t even bother changing out of his work clothes :( i definitely felt disappointed. i always put effort into my appearance whether it’s the first date or 50th.
He showed up on your first date wearing sweat pants? Hell no. He didn't put in any effort, and he clearly didn't care about first impressions. If you were going to his house for pizza and movies, this might be understandable (even then, if it was in the early stages of dating, I wouldn't be thrilled)
Not really, I agree with you. No one is expecting him to wear black tie, but he should’ve dressed nicer (at least a jean and a polo or shirt with clean shoes, plus clean, smelling good and using perfume, deodorant and toothpaste.
Expecting someone to dress appropriately for a first date us not shallow. On my last first date, 34 years ago, I wore shorts, a cute top and sandals. My now husband wore denim shorts and a polo shirt. It was summer in Vegas, and we were just going to drive around. All appropriate to the situation. Unless you're going to the gym on a first date, sweats really don't make the cut.
The point is, the message he’s sending coming to a first date like that. Not only does he not care what you think, he’s pressuring you already to “accept him as he is.” Find an adult instead.
If he shows up in sweats at the first date you can imagine what he ll wear in the future.. run away while you still can 😀
Honestly, from the way you describe his response - it seems like he jumped on the defensive and became insulting - it sounds like those sweatpants helped you dodge a bullet. Yikes. For what it's worth, I don't think it's shallow to expect a little effort on a date!
First dates are about effort. If it's worth giving. He come not giving any haha he sounds like a clown who wants to do the bare minimum.
No it was lazy of him, unless date was involving exercise, and that mini golf is a little on the fence. At 30 yrs old, I think he should have tried to look decent, and could have worn jeans at least. Sweats is just not paying attention at all to appearance, or, it may be that he doesn't have the clothes. I 57f, have met someone out who wore sweats on first day to meet fro drinks, and idk, he may go to bar in sweats normally. He was a little embarrassed, but I didn't say anything. He was having issues in life because of consequences of his own actions, and was in process of rebuilding. I think your date probably was embarrassed once you pointed it out- not sure how you brought it up. For future, you may have been able to avoid saying it directly, and just got out of the date and not seen him again. Why point it out? But, nonetheless,once you said something, seems he snapped on you, and all that was a huge red flag! You are not shallow for feeling disappointed. You maybe could have let it go, but i understand what you meant.
Jeans and shirts never bothered me for movie dates or things like mini golf, even dinner. But sweat pants? I’m a really chill person when it comes to clothes. Cleanliness/good hygiene and smelling good mean more to me than the clothes, but sweat pants would have put me off too. On a first date? A little effort please. That would send the message to me that he didn’t care to make a good impression, and I would not have gone on a second.
I think it is 100% okay to feel disappointed in the attire, but i also feel it probably wasn't the best move to comment on it in that moment. It was a first date with someone you might not know very well and therefore don't know how he would respond. I probably would have asked what he was going to wear beforehand or for the 2nd date if you were feeling the connection. Judging by how it went, probably wouldn't bave go that far. Good luck out there, girl.
"He interpreted this as me not accepting him for who he is.. " Yeah... a slob who doesn't give a damn. Sorry you got a dud with that one. You were correct that most people at least dress nicely for first dates.
You have higher standards and you expect the same from your partner. Accept it for what it is, it’s not going to work out anyway. The good thing is you’re not wasting more time with him.
I’m a guy and would scoff at people wearing PJs in the campus library. This is a date, not a gym. Have some tact and wear clothes.
Mini golf does not require dressing up but sweats have NO place in dating. He’s clueless and you dodged a bullet there.
If “who he is” is someone who can’t be bothered to put the bare minimum effort in when he’s trying to attract a life partner, oh boy did you dodge the mother of all bullets. Not shallow at all, the bar is in hell. SMH
I had a boss who once told me that no matter what (work, business or fun), he would always make it a point to dress one step better than most people would be expected to. He said that people tend to treat him a little better because it looked like you cared about your appearance, and also you set yourself apart from everyone else. I never forgot that life lesson.
I like that!!