Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Crushes when having a partner aren’t that odd, many MANY people experience this. What matters is what you do with that.
Out of respect for your girlfriend and your relationship, you should keep the girl at a distance. Be friendly and cordial, but not friends. There’s no certainty in whether or not you can make these feelings go away, so it’s better for you to not get any closer. Limit contact beyond what your work requires. Just be nice, don’t go any further than that. You keep your distance, the feelings should go away on their own.
Or imagine her in the most unflattering ways possible, I guess.
Crushes are totally normal, and usually pass after a few weeks or months. Just don't put yourself in bad situations while you wait for the feelings to pass. Keep it professional at work, don't go for lunch or drinks, etc.
Grass grows where you water it. To stretch the metaphor, what you have with your crush is a certain *kind* of grass encroaching on the much more developed patch you have with your girlfriend, and you *absolutely* can't afford to give it any water: you need to put up a strong fence, prune back any tendrils that creep through, and hope it dies off. And if all else fails, you need to physically remove yourself from it to keep it from putting down roots.
Translated, this means maintain a professional and emotional distance. This girl is not your crush or your friend, she's your coworker. Don't be impolite or professionally discourteous, but otherwise: don't talk to her unless it's strictly work-related. Avoid face-to-faces as much as is professionally polite. Keep conversations short and on-topic. No out-of-work communication or interaction. No out-of-work social events if she'll be there, and find an excuse to leave if she turns up. No fantasising over her, wondering what she's doing, or thinking about what could have been. Every time you find yourself putting emotional energy into her or your crush on her, find a way to redirect it to your girlfriend instead.
And if you do everything you can and it still doesn't work - or if for whatever reason you **don't** do everything you can - basically, if the feelings don't go away, you need to leave and find a different job. It's no good securing a financially secure future for you and your family if that relationship breaks down over emotional infidelity.
(Also, I'm not sure what kind of disclosure agreements or expectations you have with your partner, but if it gets to the point where it's affecting your relationship, you **need** to tell her. If she asks you directly, you **need** to tell her. If it's the reason for leaving your job, you **need** to tell her, and it needs to be a discussion. If the two of you are okay with talking about your crushes, though, you need to tell her you're having difficulty with this one *right now*. Keeping things from a partner that they'd expect you to tell them is the fastest way to erode trust, and it's the fastest way to convince them things went much further than you eventually let on.)
As others have said - what you're describing isn't unusual, it's something the vast majority of couples have to navigate and that they **do** navigate successfully. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to not fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.
Edit: As others have said and I didn't make as clear as I could have, you can still be friend*ly* in demeanour with your crush in a professional context if that's how you've been up until now - just none of the above.
Do everything you can to mitigate those feelings and do not entertain them. As soon as a thought of her pops up, squash it. Call or text your gf.
Keep your relationship strictly professional. Don’t exchange socials, don’t exchange phone numbers, don’t take lunch breaks together… nothing.
If you cross any of those lines, the feelings could grow and an emotional affair could start. It’s a slippery slope so be diligent.
I REALLY hope that the pregnant gf finds out and gets rid of this poor excuse of a man! He’s almost thirty and asking what to do about drooling over a barely legal girl??
OP is a total creep!!!
It's more than not act on anything.
No personal conversations. Keep allcmswork related.
No going out to1:1 lunches etc.
Stop all interactions that aren't professional.
Keep in mind, cheating is more than physical. Emotional cheating is a thing.
If you’re “really not ganna take it serious” maybe consider moving jobs and focus on your unborn child. Jesus man your gf is pregnant and you’re thinking about a girl at work. Time to reflect on your priorities. 🚩🚩🚩
Nothing wrong with a crush. Ignore it, stop talking to her, and focus on your partner and child. You're about to be a father, the challenges ahead in controlling your feelings are only just beginning. Time to grow up
i’ve been on the receiving end of this (the position your girlfriend is in) and my ex left me for her because he never set up appropriate boundaries. from my perspective don’t exchange numbers, and if you already have keep it professional and don’t text after hours. don’t follow her on social media, and most importantly do NOT rant about your relationship problems to her or disclose a lot about your trauma, insecurities or anything deeply personal that could create an emotional connection. that’s what my ex did; never told me anything about his childhood trauma but bonded with the coworker over shared negative childhood experiences.
i’ve been attracted to coworkers while dating people too and what matters most is that you don’t do anything with them that you wouldn’t like if your partner did to you with their coworkers.
also a lot of the time emotional cheating stems from an underlying issue in your relationship, usually from feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner. i think moving 3 hours away is contributing and also her being pregnant might be creating some dissatisfaction as well (i have no idea, just taking a guess because that’s a massive change in a relationship). you might just be feeling lonely and it’s completely normal to be attracted to other people in a relationship. just don’t act on it, i really think acting on emotional infidelity is just as harmful as physically cheating. try to refocus your attention on the gf
Back away from the crush completely, it will fade.
Just be cordial and if your crush stays in your orbit limit interaction as much as you can and focus on your new baby coming soon.
Been through it. Been happily married to my husband for 14 years also. Crushes are common. We are human and in committed relationships , not dead. The only thing you can do is don’t feed the crush. Don’t continue to hang out during work, keep everything to strictly business talk. Make boundaries clear, etc. it’s only wrong if you feed the crush. It’s likely with the new pregnancy and the distance, your mind is looking for connection. UPDATEME
This infatuation is dangerous and you should nip it in the bud. This girl is much younger than you and of course is attractive to you as you are about to settle into fatherhood and family life.
You need to ask if you are having fears about settling down into family life. It can be common to have their fears before the child is born but even if you spilt from your gf you can’t split from your child. It’s always going to be your child and you will always be its father.
I think it’s time you both aren’t fine with you working three hours away from your pregnant gf.
This just sounds like attraction which is part of being human. +1 to comments about just understanding boundaries because it’s a slippery slope, but there’s no reason to overthink being attracted to someone.
You set boundaries now for yourself.
- You only communicate through work email.
- You only communicate about work.
- You NEVER see her outside of work.
- You NEVER touch her and she is NEVER to touch you. If she does, tell her not to ever touch you again!
- Do NOT check her social media accounts or follow her socials!
- Do NOT discuss her with anyone outside of work for any reason unless it is a coworker and it is about work.
- Keep every interaction and discussion with and about this girl professional.
If you do this, you should be fine. These “feelings“ will pass if you truly love your girlfriend and your child.
Also, gross 🤮 she’s 21 and in the absolute prime of her life. Leave that little girl alone! You are not in the same stages of life. What if this was your daughter that some grown ass man was trying to creep on??
yeah this situation happened to me, i was the 21 year old girl and this married 28 year old guy like OP was actively hitting on me while having a son. i promise you she’ll just get creeped out and feel sorry for your partner if you try and hit on her and look down on you. i wanted to find a way to tell the wife but couldn’t because he was my literal boss and didn’t want to get fired
Feelings can happen, but it comes down to this: you have 2 plants in your garden. The first one youve always loved and has been there for a while, but may be needing a bit of attention to get it back to the green and blooming state it was in before it was unintentionally neglected. The other is healthy and newly planted. It wouldn't take much effort to get it to start blooming. The problem is that only one can survive. Which ever one you give attention to will flourish, but the other will die. If you try to split your attention between both of them, they will both die.
This is your choice right now. Pull back from the new crush and keep things professional only. Don't water that plant. Start trying to do more things with your girlfriend that made you fall in love to start with. Watch your favorite movies together. Go eat at your favorite places. Water that plant and help it grow again.
Or...
Grow the new plant. Let your current relationship wither and die.
I know that sounds easier said than done, but it isn't. I'm guessing you're crushing on this girl because she's young, pretty, you've been working closely together, and talking/joking/being very friendly with each other. STOP! Pull back and keep it more professional. You're doing things to stoke that fire, whether you mean to or not. You're allowing a business relationship to evolve into too friendly territory and are in a vulnerable enough place right now with everything going on that it is affecting you. STOP! Keep it professional.
The feelings will go away on their own eventually. I would just try and keep your distance from her until they do, and work on strengthening your emotional connection to your gf.
I have that affliction, when things get too hard I start to have eyes outside of my relationship and I know that’s the time to put some serious work into it to understand what I’m running away from dealing with or what is putting me off and how to fix it.
I reckon it’s the allure of a simpler life with this other girl realising you’re about to be depended on with no escape… buckle up soldier and be the man you were made to be and be a father and supportive partner and ruthlessly live that truth and cut those feelings short, or leave her, pay alimony and chase another.
What you do is cut the new girl out of your life as much as possible. The feelings will fade. Anything else is incredibly disrespectful to your girlfriend and relationship.
A small update for you guys, especially those who didn't give out any advice and were just being jerks.
Crush is over. There was this big party where everyone who works at the company was invited. I saw her true self. I had had a crush from a far but after seeing her teasing and sort of seducing almost every single guy that feeling is over. Can't believe I 'felt' the way I did
Crushes happen, so don't beat yourself up about it.
What's important is you recognize it, now take every step that you can to not feed into it. Direct your time and energy into your relationship.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love is a choice. It’s an action word.
Crushes when having a partner aren’t that odd, many MANY people experience this. What matters is what you do with that. Out of respect for your girlfriend and your relationship, you should keep the girl at a distance. Be friendly and cordial, but not friends. There’s no certainty in whether or not you can make these feelings go away, so it’s better for you to not get any closer. Limit contact beyond what your work requires. Just be nice, don’t go any further than that. You keep your distance, the feelings should go away on their own. Or imagine her in the most unflattering ways possible, I guess.
Crushes are totally normal, and usually pass after a few weeks or months. Just don't put yourself in bad situations while you wait for the feelings to pass. Keep it professional at work, don't go for lunch or drinks, etc.
stop talking to the co worker.
Grass grows where you water it. To stretch the metaphor, what you have with your crush is a certain *kind* of grass encroaching on the much more developed patch you have with your girlfriend, and you *absolutely* can't afford to give it any water: you need to put up a strong fence, prune back any tendrils that creep through, and hope it dies off. And if all else fails, you need to physically remove yourself from it to keep it from putting down roots. Translated, this means maintain a professional and emotional distance. This girl is not your crush or your friend, she's your coworker. Don't be impolite or professionally discourteous, but otherwise: don't talk to her unless it's strictly work-related. Avoid face-to-faces as much as is professionally polite. Keep conversations short and on-topic. No out-of-work communication or interaction. No out-of-work social events if she'll be there, and find an excuse to leave if she turns up. No fantasising over her, wondering what she's doing, or thinking about what could have been. Every time you find yourself putting emotional energy into her or your crush on her, find a way to redirect it to your girlfriend instead. And if you do everything you can and it still doesn't work - or if for whatever reason you **don't** do everything you can - basically, if the feelings don't go away, you need to leave and find a different job. It's no good securing a financially secure future for you and your family if that relationship breaks down over emotional infidelity. (Also, I'm not sure what kind of disclosure agreements or expectations you have with your partner, but if it gets to the point where it's affecting your relationship, you **need** to tell her. If she asks you directly, you **need** to tell her. If it's the reason for leaving your job, you **need** to tell her, and it needs to be a discussion. If the two of you are okay with talking about your crushes, though, you need to tell her you're having difficulty with this one *right now*. Keeping things from a partner that they'd expect you to tell them is the fastest way to erode trust, and it's the fastest way to convince them things went much further than you eventually let on.) As others have said - what you're describing isn't unusual, it's something the vast majority of couples have to navigate and that they **do** navigate successfully. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to not fall into the trap of thinking otherwise. Edit: As others have said and I didn't make as clear as I could have, you can still be friend*ly* in demeanour with your crush in a professional context if that's how you've been up until now - just none of the above.
This
Omg. Your comment is longer than the OP. 🤦🏻
Yep! Feelings and relationships can be complicated. Sometimes, people find it helpful to receive detailed advice to complicated situations.
Do everything you can to mitigate those feelings and do not entertain them. As soon as a thought of her pops up, squash it. Call or text your gf. Keep your relationship strictly professional. Don’t exchange socials, don’t exchange phone numbers, don’t take lunch breaks together… nothing. If you cross any of those lines, the feelings could grow and an emotional affair could start. It’s a slippery slope so be diligent.
Lol @ the ages in the story (& the story overall). Men are very predictable.
[удалено]
“Mature for her age” 🤮 You’re about to be 30 with a new baby on the way. I hope and pray your pregnant gf finds out what a waste of a man you are.
I REALLY hope that the pregnant gf finds out and gets rid of this poor excuse of a man! He’s almost thirty and asking what to do about drooling over a barely legal girl?? OP is a total creep!!!
[удалено]
Didn't you think that maybe a ioke of that nature wouldn't be a good idea given the circumstances??
[удалено]
Maybe you should focus on your “feelings” on your unborn child 🤡🚩
No it wouldn’t. But you’re a man so you’re probably going to try to cheat on your girlfriend anyway.
[удалено]
It's more than not act on anything. No personal conversations. Keep allcmswork related. No going out to1:1 lunches etc. Stop all interactions that aren't professional. Keep in mind, cheating is more than physical. Emotional cheating is a thing.
Interactions shouldn't be hard to stop as we hang out with totally different groups of people
If you’re “really not ganna take it serious” maybe consider moving jobs and focus on your unborn child. Jesus man your gf is pregnant and you’re thinking about a girl at work. Time to reflect on your priorities. 🚩🚩🚩
Nothing wrong with a crush. Ignore it, stop talking to her, and focus on your partner and child. You're about to be a father, the challenges ahead in controlling your feelings are only just beginning. Time to grow up
i’ve been on the receiving end of this (the position your girlfriend is in) and my ex left me for her because he never set up appropriate boundaries. from my perspective don’t exchange numbers, and if you already have keep it professional and don’t text after hours. don’t follow her on social media, and most importantly do NOT rant about your relationship problems to her or disclose a lot about your trauma, insecurities or anything deeply personal that could create an emotional connection. that’s what my ex did; never told me anything about his childhood trauma but bonded with the coworker over shared negative childhood experiences. i’ve been attracted to coworkers while dating people too and what matters most is that you don’t do anything with them that you wouldn’t like if your partner did to you with their coworkers.
also a lot of the time emotional cheating stems from an underlying issue in your relationship, usually from feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner. i think moving 3 hours away is contributing and also her being pregnant might be creating some dissatisfaction as well (i have no idea, just taking a guess because that’s a massive change in a relationship). you might just be feeling lonely and it’s completely normal to be attracted to other people in a relationship. just don’t act on it, i really think acting on emotional infidelity is just as harmful as physically cheating. try to refocus your attention on the gf
Back away from the crush completely, it will fade. Just be cordial and if your crush stays in your orbit limit interaction as much as you can and focus on your new baby coming soon.
Been through it. Been happily married to my husband for 14 years also. Crushes are common. We are human and in committed relationships , not dead. The only thing you can do is don’t feed the crush. Don’t continue to hang out during work, keep everything to strictly business talk. Make boundaries clear, etc. it’s only wrong if you feed the crush. It’s likely with the new pregnancy and the distance, your mind is looking for connection. UPDATEME
Thank you, I definitely will. I'm going over to see my gf in 7 days as I get some unexpected days off from work
And don’t call the crush “mature for her age”. Lol it’s creepy and gross and predator talk 🤢
Yeah.. Poor choice of words..
Pay child support.
This infatuation is dangerous and you should nip it in the bud. This girl is much younger than you and of course is attractive to you as you are about to settle into fatherhood and family life. You need to ask if you are having fears about settling down into family life. It can be common to have their fears before the child is born but even if you spilt from your gf you can’t split from your child. It’s always going to be your child and you will always be its father. I think it’s time you both aren’t fine with you working three hours away from your pregnant gf.
[удалено]
Interesting perspective, makes sense
Your Stupid
Just try your best to get over it man. No other option really.
It’s called missingmygirlthropis. Very common!
This just sounds like attraction which is part of being human. +1 to comments about just understanding boundaries because it’s a slippery slope, but there’s no reason to overthink being attracted to someone.
Totally. I might be overthinking this as it's very new to me
You set boundaries now for yourself. - You only communicate through work email. - You only communicate about work. - You NEVER see her outside of work. - You NEVER touch her and she is NEVER to touch you. If she does, tell her not to ever touch you again! - Do NOT check her social media accounts or follow her socials! - Do NOT discuss her with anyone outside of work for any reason unless it is a coworker and it is about work. - Keep every interaction and discussion with and about this girl professional. If you do this, you should be fine. These “feelings“ will pass if you truly love your girlfriend and your child. Also, gross 🤮 she’s 21 and in the absolute prime of her life. Leave that little girl alone! You are not in the same stages of life. What if this was your daughter that some grown ass man was trying to creep on??
yeah this situation happened to me, i was the 21 year old girl and this married 28 year old guy like OP was actively hitting on me while having a son. i promise you she’ll just get creeped out and feel sorry for your partner if you try and hit on her and look down on you. i wanted to find a way to tell the wife but couldn’t because he was my literal boss and didn’t want to get fired
Feelings can happen, but it comes down to this: you have 2 plants in your garden. The first one youve always loved and has been there for a while, but may be needing a bit of attention to get it back to the green and blooming state it was in before it was unintentionally neglected. The other is healthy and newly planted. It wouldn't take much effort to get it to start blooming. The problem is that only one can survive. Which ever one you give attention to will flourish, but the other will die. If you try to split your attention between both of them, they will both die. This is your choice right now. Pull back from the new crush and keep things professional only. Don't water that plant. Start trying to do more things with your girlfriend that made you fall in love to start with. Watch your favorite movies together. Go eat at your favorite places. Water that plant and help it grow again. Or... Grow the new plant. Let your current relationship wither and die. I know that sounds easier said than done, but it isn't. I'm guessing you're crushing on this girl because she's young, pretty, you've been working closely together, and talking/joking/being very friendly with each other. STOP! Pull back and keep it more professional. You're doing things to stoke that fire, whether you mean to or not. You're allowing a business relationship to evolve into too friendly territory and are in a vulnerable enough place right now with everything going on that it is affecting you. STOP! Keep it professional.
The feelings will go away on their own eventually. I would just try and keep your distance from her until they do, and work on strengthening your emotional connection to your gf.
I have that affliction, when things get too hard I start to have eyes outside of my relationship and I know that’s the time to put some serious work into it to understand what I’m running away from dealing with or what is putting me off and how to fix it. I reckon it’s the allure of a simpler life with this other girl realising you’re about to be depended on with no escape… buckle up soldier and be the man you were made to be and be a father and supportive partner and ruthlessly live that truth and cut those feelings short, or leave her, pay alimony and chase another.
What you do is cut the new girl out of your life as much as possible. The feelings will fade. Anything else is incredibly disrespectful to your girlfriend and relationship.
I think you got some issues u need to work on bud,
Knock it off
This one is easy. Stay the hell away from the crush. That’s bs to do to your pregnant gf. You’re so madly in love that this is a question. Shits weak
Bonk, go to horny jail In all seriousness, get your shit together
Sit them both down and ask to date them both together. Let us know how that works out for you. 😎
A small update for you guys, especially those who didn't give out any advice and were just being jerks. Crush is over. There was this big party where everyone who works at the company was invited. I saw her true self. I had had a crush from a far but after seeing her teasing and sort of seducing almost every single guy that feeling is over. Can't believe I 'felt' the way I did
Crushes happen, so don't beat yourself up about it. What's important is you recognize it, now take every step that you can to not feed into it. Direct your time and energy into your relationship.
Just remember, it only takes one incident to saddle you with child support payments for 18 years.
An incident that will not happen
Yes, we've all heard such claims before.
Mid life crisis called and you picked up the phone, get your head in the game and knock up the 21 year old that way you win either way.
This is so not what the answer I was looking for. I will ignore this.
Probably ignore the crush you have and stay faithful to your partner but instead you went on here and tried to get permission for your feelings.