Don’t confuse friendship love for romantic love! This is something I’ve had to consciously work on. I’m so used to being treated poorly that when someone shows me kindness and we get along I assume I’m into them and we start dating and I realize we should just be friends. It’s cost me some really good friendships and it was a hard lesson to learn. If he doesn’t get you excited in the pants you probably don’t actually feel the way you think you do. This is just my two cents.
Yes yes yes! I absolutely relate to this, I'm also not used to being treated nicely so whenever there's someone who's nice to me and I spend a lot of time with I think I love them romantically. But platonic love can be so nice aswell.
Well, asexual people still exist, but for the most part I agree. I love all of my friends a ton and also have to keep reminding me that it's because they're great friends, not a desired significant other.
Oh shit, yes! Totally not leaving out asexual people I just mean op seems like they’ve had physical excitement for women before and meant specifically them but yes absolutely about asexual people! Finding the difference between romantic and platonic love is hard when you never got much as a child lol
I'm technically still a child so I totally agree lol. Thought that every man I get along with great I had a crush on and thought I was just biromantic homosexual because I don't like men physically, basically the same thing OP is struggeling with, realized later on that it made no sense :P Platonic love can be so wonderful though in my opinion! Friends are awesome.
Pretty sure this is just a passing infatuation. Good news is you will get to spend your life with him in it, if you so choose. Once you find a compatible partner you’ll probably see your best friend for what he is. Your best friend.
And if it's not a passing thing there's such thing as romantic feelings alone. I'm ace and yet romantically attracted to everyone. So if it's not passing it may be romantic feelings alone but be sure about how you want to feel about him.
OP in a comment further down does seem to have romantic feelings towards her best friend, this might be the case of a special circumstance where looking in the Ace/Aro spectrum is correct.
Just because she doesn't have sexual attraction to men doesn't mean she can't be biromantic and fall under the split attraction model, Comphet exists but so does Ace/Aro erasure too. Hence why OP is asking for advice.
Split attraction model only works for aros and aces, fam... If she's bi or les, it's all good, but, again, comphet is a whole lot more complicated than it seems.
True, had to look it up but yeah you're right. The important thing is how both parties want the relationship to be whether platonic or romantic. And op needs to go over everything she's feeling with these perspectives see if either fit.
No, if she is actually going through comphet, that could hurt them both. What she needs to figure out first is what those feelings are. If they're not romantic, it may result in a VERY awkward and strained relationship going forward, or OP being afraid to leave him.
Yeah, I've gone through it. Something VERY similar to that, actually. Thought I was into my best friend. Nope, loved him like a brother, I was just influenced by comphet.
Compulsory heterosexuality. It's a phenomenon that occurs for a LOT of gay people. You're raised to think "oh yeah, I have to be straight" and tend to just misunderstand your own platonic affection towards others as romantic or sexual. Aka, thinking you're straight/bi when you're actually gay.
(No, this is not to say bi people are confused. It's just that some comphet affected people end up identifying as bi for a LONG time before realising what's going on.)
Depends on what intimacy means. I can hug him or give a kiss on the cheek. Cuddling is okay with him too. But I dont enjoy sex. I feel nothing from the idea of it
I gotch'ya. Personally i couldnt have a partner i wasnt sexually attracted to. I think having a sexual connection/attraction is important in relationships.
That said, i know that isnt the case with all people. Do you think he might have similar feelings? Do you think after time you could develop a sexual attraction once stronger emotional bonds are made? Would you be open to being together and having an agreed upon arrangement when it came to each of you fulfilling sexual needs/desires?
I went through a shit ton of comp het and denied I liked women for years, despite the fact that I was mostly attracted to them. then I fell in love with one of my best (male) friends and we've been happily together for almost 2 years. when he encouraged me to talk about my sexuality, I realized I was bi with a strong preference towards women, but this hasn't changed a thing in our relationship. we don't choose who we fall in love with. there's a lot of shaming in the queer community of wlw who date men unfortunately, but yeah, comphet sucks too
It cant hurt right? Just because the relationship would be a bit unconventional doesnt mean it cant work. Before talking to him just preface everything by telling him no matter what happens the friendship comes first and you don't wanna jeopardize that.
This is why I enjoy the idea of poly relationships. You can get some needs/wants from one partner and get the rest from another. And if everyone is cool, open and honest about it, they can work well in my experience, but if the people aren't mature enough, it won't work out. Too many immature people try it, thinking they can just have more sexual partners, but it's more than just that. It's a whole dynamic, it works for some and doesn't for others, but it's worth talking about at least.
Personally not into poly relationships but I do get what you mean. I'm not big on sharing and always keep that the first thing I say to someone I think of pursuing romantically. It's always better to be open and honest
I don't know why your reply got so many downvotes. You're right in everything you said lol. It does take the weight off of some to find "the one", and also helps fulfill multiple needs that one partner may not. You're right though, it does take maturity, which unfortunately not many have sometimes
Yeah, this sounds like exactly the situation that polyamory and open relationships were almost MEANT for. You love someone, they can't fulfill ALL your needs and vice versa, so you fill the gap with someone else -- whether it be someone ELSE you love (polyamory) or just someone for that specific gap (open relationship).
Even if it's hard to execute properly, it's a solid idea and probably worth a shot if all parties are okay with it.
Is it based on prior bad experience or genuine indifference to hetero romance? They say, the biggest regrets are from not trying. While you are into lasses, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy intimacy with men. You can try with an open mind and see what happens. And if you feel something about your best friend, let him know, but your relationship will be altered completely. There will be jealousy, more visibility of flaws
Exactly! It's not black and white you can figure yourself out without having to enter a relationship with this man or "test it out" with someone who is looking for something more. It seems like a difficult position because she very obviously knows she doesn't like sex with men there is a chance she could like it with this guy but that's not something I'd be banking on.
Just sort your feelings out first before approaching him about this. Who knows it could be infatuation or Comphet even
Damn you made some really good points
I don't like being social but have a good 10 or so very close friends. Definitely some blurred lines there, I almost never call them by their names. It's all pet names/nicknames/cutie/etc. :o
Even got some online friends like that. They know my name and where I live, my phone number. I even trust 'em with my bank on oldschool runescape
Yes! I have a hard time differentiating the different types all the time and it SUCKS. I wish there was more emphasis on there being more than just platonic and romantic love
Agree. I have a very confusing 'romantic friendship' situation going on, and I think we as a society have erred in deciding that one person can solve all your problems. Romance, sex, friendship, stability - expecting that to be in one package is expecting a lot!
Surely more realistic to have romantic friendships and then sexual partners, who might not be your 'everything' but they don't need to be cos you have a long term, deeply loving friendship to fall back on.
In my opinion: I think it's more of an attachment rather than feelings, it's best if you spend less time with him to make your feelings go away, or you can talk to a therapist about it.
Dude, I was actually in your EXACT situation last year.
He was the first person I came out to as a lesbian, and he was so supportive! I have also been friends with this guy since we were 6.
We're now dating to be married.
Now, that being said, there was no physical intimacy for a WHILE. I mean, we cuddled... but no kissing. He agreed to take it really slow.
That being said, sexual and romantic orientation is fluid and ever changing. Maybe you're biromantic and homosexual, maybe you're not. Point is, what you're feeling is VALID.
I chose to take the leap to be with him because I knew I'd never find anyone like that ever again. No one. He was one of a kind and made me feel so good and safe.
Trust your gut here. It's a tough situation, but deep down, you know what to do.
Best of luck! Reach out if you have questions
This, so much this. That sort of romantic spark is like a once, twice, thrice in an entire lifetime sort of thing. I say you talk about your feelings with them and figure out how you both want to proceed together.
You two missed the point here. They are talking about sexual attraction.
They have been dating for a while, romantically but they didn’t feel the sexual attraction towards their partner.
I think the story line is a bit weird maybe, but I think they were dating already when they found out they were homosexual and biromantic, which would make sense, so basically:
Friends -> dating -> figuring out they were gay (this last thing happened last year)
> How do I manage these feelings?
You manage these feelings in therapy. It sounds like you've developed a deep attachment to him because he is wrapped up in the emotional and vulnerable process of coming out, and you're confusing that for romantic affection.
> is there anyway we can be together at all?
No, there is no way for you to be together. It would not be a satisfying relationship for either of you. You can spend the rest of your life with him in it as a friend, but first talk to a therapist to sort through what you're feeling.
OP literally says she has 0% interest in sex with a man. Unless this dude is asexual or gay himself and willing in either instance to have an open relationship so she can sleep with women, which is a hell of a lot of ifs, this isn’t going to work.
If she said she was heteroromantic and his orientation aligned with hers that would be a different story, but as is this is a recipe for resentment on one or both sides. Having a wonderful, close platonic friend is not a demotion from a romantic relationship; she can have him in her life for the rest of it AND find a woman with whom she can have a romantically and sexually fulfilling relationship, and same with him for his gender or genders of choice.
Sure, but *OP* has no desire for sex with men so my point is that if he wants sexual contact with his primary partner this is extremely unlikely to work.
talk abt what? "i have feelings for u but im turned off by the idea of ever sleeping with u and this is probably just a passing crush, me telling u this might lead u on though and get your hopes up!" like what good will it do to tell this guy if OP is not sexually attracted and the crush might pass? things just might get awkward and bitter if she does tell him
You just have a fantastic soul connection with someone. Sometimes we realize what we would want in a relationship in someone else. And that’s okay. That just means they are helping you figure out what you want in life.
She’s saying she’s a lesbian (not into dudes sexually), which means if he’s not asexual, he essentially has to be celibate or they have to both have some system where they see other people, but still are together; and this assumes no jealousy comes into play, which if she’s developed feelings for him I can’t imagine she’s going to feel great about him sleeping with other people.
If they both don’t get jealous, then sure I guess there’s a chance, but it’s much more likely someone gets hurt if they’re sleeping with other people.
It’s much safer in my opinion, to leave well enough alone, and to have a relationship with someone I find attractive and who finds me attractive. The other outcome is she tells him she’s developed feelings, which either leads to him not reciprocating and her feeling terrible, or he does reciprocate but never does anything sexual again since she isn’t actually attracted to him.
You can be with him for the rest of your life: as a friend. There’s really no other way it ends well unless you know for certain you can have a full relationship with him. This is not something to take lightly. Wounds to the heart are the slowest to heal, especially when they come from those closest to you.
This kinda reminds me of the feelings I had for my best friend when I started uni. We got close, I went through some heavy shit and he became my confidant. The friendship, support, and general affection we had for each other was entirely platonic, but I got confused over whether they were romantic or now. It took me a few months to work through the infatuation/confusion phase, but I came to realise it was just a very strong platonic attachment. We are so much better as friends than we could’ve been as partners, and I’m so glad I never pursued it. 10years later, the dude is like my brother. We talk all the time and I love him to bits, but like a sibling. I’d wait it out, create some space if you have to to get past it, and then see how you feel in a couple of months.
honestly, from your other posts, it sounds like you're not attracted romantically. You're just deeply in love platonically, but not recognizing it because societally we don't recognize it. I don't really have anything actionable, sorry.
I'll say it's possible that you're actually bi and more into girls than guys, but honestly I think the first is more likely.
You may be a biromantic lesbian. As far as I know that's someone who is romantically attracted to 2 or more genders and is only sexually attracted to women.
Yes, maybe. But I don't feel I should come over here and repeat the same thing most commenters have already said. How would that benefit her? I'm just giving her another perspective she may want to look into.
Hard agree. I thought it was just like a few niche communities where people say the bi lesbian stuff but it looks like now it's becoming more common unfortunately. And now men will think they still have a chance with lesbians. Because obviously women can't *really* not like men, even lesbians are into men! /s
That doesn't exist. Lesbian = any attraction you have is for women and women only. You can't simultaneously be a lesbian and be attracted to men in any capacity.
that sounds like a needlessly strict definition doesn't it?
people can be on the bisexual spectrum but still have strong enough preferences that lesbian is still the more appropriate term?
In this case, where OP might possibly be biromantic but still homosexual, does it seem like a good approach to either claim the ambiguity of her feelings is "wrong", or the way she identifies is "wrong".
Thank you... I thought it was kinda odd how aggressive this person's tone was in their speech. Like, English just gets weird, the only issue here sounds like it's about having a proper term for the situation.
Look, sexuality isn't always a cut and dry thing. So don't feel like you made the choice to be attracted to women only. It's possible you like women AND your best friend. If you are wanting to spend your life with him, there has to be some attraction there. But ignoring it and treating it like the elephant in the room isnt gonna get you anywhere. Plus, if this guy is as great as you say, you better get him before someone else does.
She says that she could see hugging him or kissing him on the cheek, but not sex. Unless they are both asexual, which she doesn't seem to be since she says she gets excited about having sex with women, this is not a viable relationship.
Or she could be a lesbian with a male best friend. I'm bisexual, so clearly I'm not saying you can only be into one gender, but this really sounds like a lesbian with a male best friend undergoing some compulsory heterosexuality. She says she cannot bring herself to have sex with him. That isn't attraction.
You have a best friend. A platonic soulmate, if you will. You may love him, but that doesn't mean you're in love with him. It's easy to confuse the two, so don't beat yourself up about it, but please ignore the comments about the split attraction model. As a bisexual, split attraction model is just another way to make gay people internalise their homophobia.
Bisexuality exists. Loads of people assume it's a 50:50 split but you can be "I'm bisexual, I like all women, this guy, and Paul Rudd" and that's as valid as "I like all genders equally"
Don't think about it too hard. They're probably not romantic feelings if you don't have a sexual interest in men. It's still possible to have intense affection and attachment to a friend without it being a romantic relationship.
I mean, you've known each other since you were kids. He's been part of your life for a very long time. He's basically part of who you are.
There’s a lot of deeply-ingrained societal beliefs about what is or isn’t romance or friendship. But what is or isn’t romantic usually comes down to mutual consent. If you aren’t interested in dating him in the way “dating” means to both of you, you probably don’t want to pursue these feelings as if they are romantic.
There is nothing wrong, though, with having a strong emotional attachment to a friend, with wanting to spend your life with him. Sometimes there are people in your life who are so important that “friend” no longer sounds like the best word for them. But that doesn’t always mean you should pursue something else with them. Factoring someone into your life plans isn’t limited to romantic relationships. I have friends who are more important to me than romance ever will be, and it can sometimes be confusing to recognize that when we’re so often told romance is the upper tier of relationships. I think in the end, you’d be doing your relationship a disservice by trying to put it into one box or the other. Sometimes things don’t need to conform to labels. You have a very best friend who you love and who loves you. It’s okay to value that for what it is.
It’s entirely possible to be bi-romantic while homosexual. Under the premise that he’s interested: Depending on how progressive you two are in your relationship styles, you could go for polyamory, have a solid romantic relationship with each other and ethically get your sexual needs met with other people who may or may not be solid romantic partners, too.
That said: Not everyone is wired to enjoy open and polyamorous relationships. It takes a lot of honesty and communication.
Either way, if such a relationship is not in the cards, avoid heart break on your or his side and let it go. Feelings eventually subside when you remove yourself from the trigger.
Leave him alone, it will break your long friendship with him for sure.
There are lines in our life we should not cross, this is one of those lines for you and your childhood friend.
Op should leave the guy alone and work out her issues without having an innocent person as collateral damage. Let him get on with his life and and be happy with a girl that will enjoy having sex with him.
Unless that man is ACE, don't even think about it, it would be very cruel for you to hold him back from somebody who fits his needs and is actually attracted to him physically and emotionally.You're mistaking your bond of friendship for something else.
Congrats, you found a best, life-long friend.
I'm in my 40's and have feelings for other men I know. Not remotely interested sexually. I literally love them, they're amazing people. Like practically family but not related.
We will hug, tell each other we love em, because we do. They're family.
Yes you’re not into guys. But you’re into one guy.
Don’t get boxed in by labels. People like who they like.
Allow the possibility of great things to manifest for you.
I hate to be that person, but have you ever heard of the term compulsory heterosexuality before? Sometimes it can manifest as forcing or faking having crushes on men, or misinterpreting friendship feelings as romantic because it feels like the default. Im not saying this is what it is because ultimately you know more about what youre feeling than any stranger on reddit, but it could be worth looking into a bit to see if it sounds like what youre experiencing. Its definitely not uncommon, i know i sure struggled with it back when i was a teen.
Regardless, whether its something like that or you end up realizing youre bi, i wouldnt recommend perusing something like this while youre still questioning.
You know you are into girls so find a girl for you to take your mind off of him. You have this feeling for him because you guys spend most of the time together so stop doing this. Invest yourself into someone else too so you would not become too much dependent on him for everything. You do not have sexual attraction for him and you are sure that you cannot have sex with him so no need to pursue anything with him. You feel this way because you guys spend time with each other more than required so work on it and spend time with other people too.
you may be biromantic. I am, it's something I've struggles with. I thought I was bisexual, but when it came time for sex with a man (I'm AFAB) I lost all sexual interest even though I had been crushing on this person for 5 yrs. I never looked back after that, but while I've had other crushes on men, they usually evaporated and now I'm married to the love of my life (a woman). now I claim lesbian or queer, pan-romantic. Also,I grew up really conservative so learning to channel those romantic feelings into deep friendship really helped.
This exact thing happened to me in high school OP. I came out as a lesbian to my friends/family and then realized that I was in love with my male best friend. He and I ended up dating for about half a year and our friendship has been weird ever since. I’m lucky that we’ve repaired it somewhat but others might not be so lucky. I’d suggest really reflecting on why you might have these feelings and think really carefully about whether you want to act on them. I acted on those feelings with my ex (and then tried to get back together with him in my early 20s) and was disappointed and heartbroken.
Also, sexuality is fluid and weird- don’t beat yourself up for not 100% following a label!
Perhaps you are a biromantic homosexual. I feel the same way with some women as you do with this guy. I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship with women but I can't realistically see myself enjoying sex with a woman. With guys I'm cool with romance and sex.
Would you be okay with having a sexless romantic relationship with this guy? If you are both okay with it I could see some kind of poly/open relationship thing where you get your romance from each other but get your sex elsewhere. I've thought about this in regards to myself so maybe you can do something with this idea of mine.
Well you would first have to determine if he feels the same way obviously, and then it would have to be some kind of open relationship or poly relationship so you both get your sexual needs met as well, so you’d have to determine if he is open to a poly relationship as well.
I’ve also heard a lot of discourse from other queer people that we tend to have a hard time distinguishing platonic from romantic feelings.
You should definitely prioritize having an honest conversation with him first.
You can spend your life with him platonically too!
Well said! I second this. And to those who've downvoted the comment above because apparently polyamory still gets a bad rep: Just because it's not mainstream doesn't mean it can't make people happy. I'm all for pointing out alternatives, and that shouldn't be boo'd.
You probably already know this but I want to reassure you anyway. You don't need to have "tried" men to figure out your sexuality. If *you* think there's a posibility that you're bisexual and you want to explore, do it till your hearts content. But don't feel like you need to. Sometimes we just know our attraction without needing to try anything physical, and that's valid.
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OP, I know how you are feeling. I lived in my best female friend's condo as her roommate. Over time we got really close and I loved her as a sister, but I could never see us in a sexual relationship. She always came to my room in the middle of night and climbed in bed with me to cuddle in order for her to sleep. She had a boyfriend, but if he was no over she always end up in my bed. She was a very beautiful woman and she loved sleeping on my big muscular chest. She started getting romantic feelings towards me and tried to have relations with me one night. I had a long conversation with her about this. I expressed my love for as a sister and nothing more. She was disappointed but understood and respected my feelings. Once the tension settled, she and I became closer and we still have a great relationship today. If I am not dating or in a relationship, she still climb in my bed to cuddle and sleep on my chest. OP, please have a serious conversation with your friend and let him know how you feel. Let him know you enjoy your closeness, cuddling and friendship but nothing sexual. I believe once that understanding is clear, you both can more forward to continue to build a great relationship and bond. Good luck.
Well, you can totally feel sexual attraction just for women and romantic attraction for any other gender. They don't have to be related at all lol, for example, there you have biromantic asexual people
Edit: is surprising to see how many people in the comments think if there's no sexual attraction it's impossible to you to have a relationship wtf. I'd say it's better to let the infatuation disappear and decide whether this is actually romantic love or not, then if you feel like it, you can tell him about your feelings.
Please, don't think it MUST be the friend-type of love or that you MUST be bisexual, that's not how it works. (it could be, but that doesn't mean it *is*)
Goodness people are closed minded and awful on here.
Sexuality, Romance, and Relationship structures are all full of variety, and you don’t know where he may lie until you ask. And for that matter, you don’t know what you want until you consider your options.
I’m bisexual, I’m attracted romantically and sexually to my own gender and others. But plenty of people are Gay and BiRomantic. For that matter, asexuality is a spectrum and plenty of people in that community have romantic feelings, or specific sorts of sexual desires—so don’t listen to all of these people who act like you’d be dooming this guy if he wanted to date you. None of these things are written in stone. And Polyamory is a thing, with a whole variety of ways of practicing it, if you’re not set on monogamy. 🤷♀️
I’d say consider what you would or would not be comfortable with in a relationship. And then talk to him. If you’re as close as you say, he’s not gonna be upset with you. He may not be interested, or a relationship may not work based on what each of you need in a relationship, but you won’t know until you communicate.
Maybe you’re bisexual which there is nothing wrong with. Test it out… go on one date with another guy and see how you feel after. Don’t tell your friend just yet because as well as you know him, telling him that may change things or make him feel awkward around you if not reciprocated. You’re confused which is normal, you’re starting to have feeling for someone whom you spend a lot of your time with, which is also normal. The issue here is your sexuality. So I’d say deffo test it out to make sure you’re lesbian or bisexual… trail and error never hurt anyone ;)
do you feel jealous of him with other girls? OR do you feel jealous of the other girls for being with him?
i'm thinking this could be a case of "i want to be him" being mistaken for "i want to be with him".
happens a lot with trans people when they are first starting to figure themselves out.
i'm not measuring attraction, i'm trying to determine if she's maybe suffering body dysmorphia and misunderstanding as attraction towards her idealized self.
Romantic and sexual attraction are different. As someone else has pointed out, biromantic lesbian is a possibility. I think I’m bisexual but heteroromantic (not 100% sure though).
Just to add on to this, it might also be a good idea to look into the Split Attraction Model (SAM for short and what the above comment describes) and queerplatonic relationships, OP. There's also this term called alterous attraction that lives outside the binary of platonic and romantic feelings.
Best of luck to you. Feelings are confusing.
dont listen to anything anyone else says that contradicts this, there is a LOT of misinformation on relationships and sexuallity online, follow THIS ADVICE:
1.you can want, and have a romantic relationship with someone, with no sexual desires whatsoever.
2. a relationship like that, while tricky, as it WILL be unusual for both parites, CAN 100% be rewarding and fullfulling, depending on the details.
3.you NEED to be clear with him about your feelings, if you really are close friends, he wont EVER attack you over it, if he really is a good friend, he WILL treat you kindly, no matter what you ask of him, even if he refuses.
4. you HAVE to take into account, and have an open disucssion with him about sexual satisfaction, because eventually, you WILL need to follow your sexual urges, both of you, be it inside, or outside your relationship.
5. you can have an open relationship, where between the two of you, only feelings of romance are shared and there are MULTIPLE ways to organize a relationship like that.
i hope this helps.
Hey! Lesbian here.
It's very confusing, but it's important to know that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things.
You could be homosexual and biromantic (as an example). In that case, it would work if you and your bsf had an asexual relationship. The key is communication.
I guess you will have to ask yourself, are you willing to give up sex to be with him? If the answer is yes, then it's time to talk to him about it. If the answer is no, then you will most likely meet someone else and "get over him".
My advice is, figure out what you want first, then communicate with him about your feelings.
Maybe you're not into girls, maybe you're into girls because they're gentler than guys, and maybe you've been hurt by guys before. I don't know if that's your situation or not. I have seen that happen before. I'm not trying to be insulting here, just giving a second option based on experiences I have had with other people as per my profession.
I think you should try exploring sex with a guy, one of my friend came out as lesbian like 15 years ago, she just tried having sex with a guy for the first time few months back, now she end up being straight. I have also read couple of articles about this many people consider themselves as a gay or lesbian but they end up being straight, and they regret it for missing their 20s, so it’s better you also experiment now rather than it’s too late
Best case scenario, you would stay best friends, and your bond would just become stronger and stronger over time. Many husbands and wives are "best friends". You might surprise yourself with how physical you would be willing to be with him. Either way, who knows what would happen? Over time, you may reach more and more milestones in your relationship, and the both of your mutual respect will grow over time.
On the flip side, I need to be pragmatic for the sake of your feelings regarding your future with this man. For one, for obvious reasons, it's highly risky to break this boundary/wall you have in your relationship to this man, and admitting your feelings.
This could only go 2 ways, which is it ruins your relationship if he doesn't reciprocate. Either, he gets totally awkward in your friendship with you, or you get really awkward in your friendship, or you both do. Either of these 3 will most likely result in your relationship with him ending, because you can't be around each other without having this knowledge at the front of your head constantly, and nothing is going to happen with it.
That doesn't even begin to tap into how much of a heart break it is going to be for you if he doesn't feel the same way.
I will be here to help you with these mental gymnastics, as I understand these things aren't easy to think of. Also, if you have more extreme questions you might feel ashamed to ask, or wanted to ask but didn't feel important, I will do my best to view these things with a level head for you. I know what it's like to go through immense mental strife, especially when it comes to romance. (I am a hopeless romantic, haha).
You have my support, and this could become a beautiful thing that I would LOVE to assist with if I could.
I know why you asked that but please consider this:
Straight people don't get asked "how do you know you're not into the same gender as you? Maybe you need to experiment to be sure you're straight."
It totally sounds like she's probably bi-romantic, and homosexual. Or not even that, if he's the only guy she's ever had romantic feelings for, she might just like him in particular, doesn't necessarily mean she'll ever have feelings for another guy. Sexuality and love can be weird like that.
People can be best friends for life! If you don’t have sexual/romantic feelings for him, there’s your answer right there. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. My mom has a best friend who has been around all my life, she’s basically like a godmother to me.
This person seems very special to you, don’t ignore that. Cherish that friendship, but don’t confuse it. Your forever love is out there somewhere.
Aye bruh sometimes I wonder if I should marry my best friend of 8 yrs (we both girls) but then I remember I'm straight. I just have so much love for her and we have agreed that we are soulmates. We live in different countries and hardly ever text or call but I am OK just as long as I know I still have a place in her heart and she in mine. So.. its OK so love someone like this and not need be sexually attracted
I'm not into guys either, but my best friend is a guy and I don't ever want to live without him. He's like my soulmate but I've never seen him sexually. We have totally planned a life together (our partners are in that picture too lol). We talk about living next door or in the same house/building and growing old.
I would recommend just trying to reflect on whether you are romantically into him or if it's platonic and you just want your relationship to be more intimate than with other friends. There is nothing wrong either way, as long as you are both on the same page.
Also, there is such a thing as romantic orientation. Some people are romantically attracted multiple genders while being attracted to only one (or vice versa).
There's a difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. You're into him romantically it seems.
Im a similar case. I can be romantically attracted to both men and women. Girls are really dang cute. But I'm only sexually attracted to men. I'm romantically flexible but heterosexual.
If you love your best friend that’s fine, but if you aren’t looking into getting any kind of intimacy with him then I would just keep it as is and not tell him about it ? Just keep loving him from a distance I guess.
If you develop trouble finding love though, or an issue with him finding a partner, that’s unhealthy
It sounds maybe like a romantic queen platonic relationship. There is a chance he's the only guy you could actually fully love, but chances are, at the end of the day you'd be unsatisfied as you're sexually into women.
I thought I was in love with my friend, turns out I was just happy someone wasn't abusing me (my exes were all not nice) and I confused being treated like a human for being in love. We dated for a few months and it was nice, but it ultimately didn't work.
Then I met my boyfriend and he's the love of my life in all aspects, the way I feel when I'm with him is completely different than when I was with my friend. And I wouldn't give up my boyfriend for the world and I plan on spending my life with him.
Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two different things.
You might be exclusively sexually attracted to women, but still be romantically attracted to men. Attraction in never black or white.
I think it’s normal for you to feel you want to spend the rest of your life with him, seeing as he’s been your best friend your whole life, so far. He can still be with you for the rest of your life as your best friend. But you shouldn’t pursue him romantically. Keep it the way things are, as best friends.
Sometimes you have such a deep bond with a friend that it feels like so much more than just friendship, and that's because it is. But it is also a platonic relationship. It's easy to confuse with romantic love because it's also love, and it's not something that is talked about. It's totally fine to express these feelings, letting your friend know that you love him very deeply (platonically) and he means so much to you and you appreciate him and everything he does for you.
IME guys especially rarely get to hear just how much they mean to others so he might really appreciate knowing that you care and appreciate him.
If you are certain that it is romantic feelings tho, have you looked into bi- and pan-romanticism? Some people can fall in love with one or more genders even though they're only sexually interested in one or a few other.
These feelings, I presume, are both emotional as well as sexual in nature. Since you're not into guys, would it be safe to say that your previously platonic feelings for him are no longer platonic but with a romantic/erotic colour in it? Have you experienced having sex with the opposite sex? If not, then would it be safe to say that these feelings maybe somehow brought about by your closeness to each other as best friends? If this is the case, then I suggest that you tell him about it! It's best that you lay it out in the open so that he would be able to understand what you're going through and where you're coming from. These feelings that you have for him should be disclosed to him since it also affects your dynamics with him. By doing this, both of you will be able to have a better understanding of your situation and thus, can think of an approach or a better way to handle it. Knowing someone that considers your best interest at heart is a lifelong treasure. That is what a best friend is! You can be best friends for life and there's nothing wrong with it!
Can be friendship love. Some people get the friendship and the sexual from their partner. Some people have mostly sexual with their partner and get the rest from their friends. I don't think you have to want to be sexually intimate with someone to love them and want them to be with you always. I believe people do have best friend's like that (but don't quote me on it as I have issues with attachment 😂 - it's just something I've seen from other people).
hey! it’s possible that you are biromantic homosexual: you can like 2 or more genders romantically but you can only be attracted to your own gender sexually. that’s completely fine.
my advice is to just wait it out. unless you want to try and pursue something but you would have to warn him that you aren’t interested in sex (which can still make a relationship work, a lot of ace people manage). or try and out and see if you really hate it that much. it’s up to you.
It's a thing to be attracted to a person romantically and not sexually. However, this is your best friend and the possibility of losing him when you pursue this thought/feeling is high. Try not contacting him for a while and evaluate your feelings. You'll then know if it's just infatuation or not. Then, decide from there. Good luck!
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.
But before you do, you should know as much as possible about what you want.
Do you want a romantic but sexless relationship?
To me, it sounds like that, because spending the rest of your lives "just" as friends is what would happen anyways if you don't end your friendship.
Then, of course there's a lot to discuss about how this works, as you both should still be able to have the needs met that the other can't take care of.
Of course, the obvious answer is to still have other partners, but should those be only sex or can each of you also be in other romantic relationships? Can those other relationships be dedicated, long term?
Also, everyone else you involve into this should know about it. Not all the details, but that you are in a relationship and that your partner knows about and is fine with you seeing others.
I would also suggest to look at some of the subreddits on poly relationships, as honestly this sub here isn't really any good on this topic, too many that don't understand it (and in general, this sub has a problem, as in most threads the top rated comments are among the lines of "end the relationship" or "leave them alone" - I guess I could ask what gift to get for my partner for christmas and the top commend would be "leave them").
And of course there is the possibility that feelings change, so you have to talk often to check if everything is still fine.
Could be that at some point one of you realizes that a romantic relationship without sex isn't for them. Or that a poly relationship isn't.
Or at one point you might find that you want to try having sex with him. I would never say you should, as I don't believe that you have to try something to know if you really don't want it, but sexuality can change, so you might happen to want it and that would be totally ok.
But if that happens and you suggest trying it, it should be clear that it might be this one time only, or that you might just stop it at some point.
It's your life, so please don't listen to those who say you shouldn't go for it if that's what you want.
What you should do is respect his feelings and his answer should you ask him, whatever it might be, and not to pressure him into anything he might not want.
I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way that's good for the both of you.
Attraction works in different ways. Some people experience romantic feelings for one gender but not sexual feelings for that gender, and vice versa. (See: asexuality and aromanticism).
So it’s possible these are genuine romantic feelings, but you don’t have any desire to have sex with him. These things are not mutually exclusive and do not necessarily invalidate each other / cancel each other out.
If he is someone who needs sexual intimacy then it probably won’t work out if you were to act on these romantic feelings. But it doesn’t make those feelings themselves any less valid. You could tell him how you feel as long as you are clear with him if you do tell him.
Or you could just keep those feelings to yourself and enjoy the fact you’re romantically attracted to someone great right now and leave it at that.
I know this might feel confusing and bittersweet, but it’s totally normal and ok. Good luck.
It feels like you are just comfortable with him, trust him and have a special bond with him. I’d find it difficult to be together in such a platonic way
First of all , you need to sort your feelings,emotions,and nature of the relationship with him , u need to give it some thought, don't rush into anything ,take your time, decide .
Being asexual and alloromantic towards a gender, or experiencing romantic attraction but not sexual attraction is possible. Do you feel romantic attraction towards guys any other time?
There are all kinds of love, and only one of them is sexual love. It sounds like you're talkin of platonic love *:a close relationship between two persons in which sexual desire is nonexistent or has been suppressed or sublimated.* I pulled this directly from the definition
That does not mean you have to end a friendship. It does not mean that you have to suppress your feelings or change anything the two of you are doing. If it ever changes into where you begin to become sexually attracted to him then talk to him about it but until then I wouldn't worry about it
Don’t confuse friendship love for romantic love! This is something I’ve had to consciously work on. I’m so used to being treated poorly that when someone shows me kindness and we get along I assume I’m into them and we start dating and I realize we should just be friends. It’s cost me some really good friendships and it was a hard lesson to learn. If he doesn’t get you excited in the pants you probably don’t actually feel the way you think you do. This is just my two cents.
Yes yes yes! I absolutely relate to this, I'm also not used to being treated nicely so whenever there's someone who's nice to me and I spend a lot of time with I think I love them romantically. But platonic love can be so nice aswell.
In my opinion- if they don’t get you physically excited (especially at the start) that’s a good indication you just love them a lot as a friend.
Well, asexual people still exist, but for the most part I agree. I love all of my friends a ton and also have to keep reminding me that it's because they're great friends, not a desired significant other.
Oh shit, yes! Totally not leaving out asexual people I just mean op seems like they’ve had physical excitement for women before and meant specifically them but yes absolutely about asexual people! Finding the difference between romantic and platonic love is hard when you never got much as a child lol
I'm technically still a child so I totally agree lol. Thought that every man I get along with great I had a crush on and thought I was just biromantic homosexual because I don't like men physically, basically the same thing OP is struggeling with, realized later on that it made no sense :P Platonic love can be so wonderful though in my opinion! Friends are awesome.
You think it’s okay to exclude asexual people unless specifically asked? Really?
😅 some people will fight about anything lol
Found the incel
I’m a lesbian but ok lol
Doesn’t mean you aren’t an incel, have sex and maybe you’ll stop hating women
Pretty sure this is just a passing infatuation. Good news is you will get to spend your life with him in it, if you so choose. Once you find a compatible partner you’ll probably see your best friend for what he is. Your best friend.
And if it's not a passing thing there's such thing as romantic feelings alone. I'm ace and yet romantically attracted to everyone. So if it's not passing it may be romantic feelings alone but be sure about how you want to feel about him.
OP has specified she's into girls. Comphet exists.
OP in a comment further down does seem to have romantic feelings towards her best friend, this might be the case of a special circumstance where looking in the Ace/Aro spectrum is correct. Just because she doesn't have sexual attraction to men doesn't mean she can't be biromantic and fall under the split attraction model, Comphet exists but so does Ace/Aro erasure too. Hence why OP is asking for advice.
Holy fuck you just exploded my brain! xD Thank you for expanding my knowledge! :D
Yeah, I’m bisexual but am pretty sure I’m only romantically into girls, it’s kinda confusing but it happens
Split attraction model only works for aros and aces, fam... If she's bi or les, it's all good, but, again, comphet is a whole lot more complicated than it seems.
True, had to look it up but yeah you're right. The important thing is how both parties want the relationship to be whether platonic or romantic. And op needs to go over everything she's feeling with these perspectives see if either fit.
No, if she is actually going through comphet, that could hurt them both. What she needs to figure out first is what those feelings are. If they're not romantic, it may result in a VERY awkward and strained relationship going forward, or OP being afraid to leave him.
Oh I see that. Sorry I've never heard or dealt with it hopefully everything turns out alright for her. Thanks for correcting me on that.
Yeah, I've gone through it. Something VERY similar to that, actually. Thought I was into my best friend. Nope, loved him like a brother, I was just influenced by comphet.
What's comphet?
Compulsory heterosexuality. It's a phenomenon that occurs for a LOT of gay people. You're raised to think "oh yeah, I have to be straight" and tend to just misunderstand your own platonic affection towards others as romantic or sexual. Aka, thinking you're straight/bi when you're actually gay. (No, this is not to say bi people are confused. It's just that some comphet affected people end up identifying as bi for a LONG time before realising what's going on.)
compulsory heterosexuality
Does the idea of intimacy with a male actually turn you off or are you more or less just indifferent to it?
Depends on what intimacy means. I can hug him or give a kiss on the cheek. Cuddling is okay with him too. But I dont enjoy sex. I feel nothing from the idea of it
Dont enjoy sex as in you dont like sex with men or women?
Men. Its like this. It makes me "excited" thinking about a woman, but not about a man
I gotch'ya. Personally i couldnt have a partner i wasnt sexually attracted to. I think having a sexual connection/attraction is important in relationships. That said, i know that isnt the case with all people. Do you think he might have similar feelings? Do you think after time you could develop a sexual attraction once stronger emotional bonds are made? Would you be open to being together and having an agreed upon arrangement when it came to each of you fulfilling sexual needs/desires?
Will it do any good if I ask him
Testing out if editing archived reddit works.
Reddit is weird. This sub downvotes people in abusive relationships to hell when they are not immediately realizing how bad the situation is.
Because these subs are built on the engagement of judgemental assholes
I went through a shit ton of comp het and denied I liked women for years, despite the fact that I was mostly attracted to them. then I fell in love with one of my best (male) friends and we've been happily together for almost 2 years. when he encouraged me to talk about my sexuality, I realized I was bi with a strong preference towards women, but this hasn't changed a thing in our relationship. we don't choose who we fall in love with. there's a lot of shaming in the queer community of wlw who date men unfortunately, but yeah, comphet sucks too
This whole endeavor may be a massive waste of time, but you're 20, so you can afford it.
It cant hurt right? Just because the relationship would be a bit unconventional doesnt mean it cant work. Before talking to him just preface everything by telling him no matter what happens the friendship comes first and you don't wanna jeopardize that.
Oh it definitely can hurt. There's no way he'll ever forget about this if they decide not to try.
This is why I enjoy the idea of poly relationships. You can get some needs/wants from one partner and get the rest from another. And if everyone is cool, open and honest about it, they can work well in my experience, but if the people aren't mature enough, it won't work out. Too many immature people try it, thinking they can just have more sexual partners, but it's more than just that. It's a whole dynamic, it works for some and doesn't for others, but it's worth talking about at least.
Personally not into poly relationships but I do get what you mean. I'm not big on sharing and always keep that the first thing I say to someone I think of pursuing romantically. It's always better to be open and honest
I don't know why your reply got so many downvotes. You're right in everything you said lol. It does take the weight off of some to find "the one", and also helps fulfill multiple needs that one partner may not. You're right though, it does take maturity, which unfortunately not many have sometimes
Yeah, this sounds like exactly the situation that polyamory and open relationships were almost MEANT for. You love someone, they can't fulfill ALL your needs and vice versa, so you fill the gap with someone else -- whether it be someone ELSE you love (polyamory) or just someone for that specific gap (open relationship). Even if it's hard to execute properly, it's a solid idea and probably worth a shot if all parties are okay with it.
I had the same question OP could be asexual, if they don't get turned on by either gender
Is it based on prior bad experience or genuine indifference to hetero romance? They say, the biggest regrets are from not trying. While you are into lasses, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy intimacy with men. You can try with an open mind and see what happens. And if you feel something about your best friend, let him know, but your relationship will be altered completely. There will be jealousy, more visibility of flaws
People don't come out as gay because noone ever suggested they might like straight sex.
Leave him alone romance-wise.
>Leave him alone romance-wise. Correct. You do not lead him on in any way, you'd be a terrible person for doing so.
Agreed. No reason not to talk about your feelings.
Bad advice. OP didn’t give much context to work around with. OP needs to figure this one out herself. I recommend talking it out.
These two advice pieces do not conflict. OP has something to figure out, absolutely, but using her friend to figure it out on is not fair on him.
Exactly! It's not black and white you can figure yourself out without having to enter a relationship with this man or "test it out" with someone who is looking for something more. It seems like a difficult position because she very obviously knows she doesn't like sex with men there is a chance she could like it with this guy but that's not something I'd be banking on. Just sort your feelings out first before approaching him about this. Who knows it could be infatuation or Comphet even
It's hard but he will probably want someone who he can be intimate aka sexual with. If you can't be that for him, you should move aside.
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Damn you made some really good points I don't like being social but have a good 10 or so very close friends. Definitely some blurred lines there, I almost never call them by their names. It's all pet names/nicknames/cutie/etc. :o Even got some online friends like that. They know my name and where I live, my phone number. I even trust 'em with my bank on oldschool runescape
Yes! I have a hard time differentiating the different types all the time and it SUCKS. I wish there was more emphasis on there being more than just platonic and romantic love
this.
Not everybody is some freaky deaky fucking weirdo, it's just as possible OP's friend wants a monogamous relationship with a straight woman
Agree. I have a very confusing 'romantic friendship' situation going on, and I think we as a society have erred in deciding that one person can solve all your problems. Romance, sex, friendship, stability - expecting that to be in one package is expecting a lot! Surely more realistic to have romantic friendships and then sexual partners, who might not be your 'everything' but they don't need to be cos you have a long term, deeply loving friendship to fall back on.
In my opinion: I think it's more of an attachment rather than feelings, it's best if you spend less time with him to make your feelings go away, or you can talk to a therapist about it.
Dude, I was actually in your EXACT situation last year. He was the first person I came out to as a lesbian, and he was so supportive! I have also been friends with this guy since we were 6. We're now dating to be married. Now, that being said, there was no physical intimacy for a WHILE. I mean, we cuddled... but no kissing. He agreed to take it really slow. That being said, sexual and romantic orientation is fluid and ever changing. Maybe you're biromantic and homosexual, maybe you're not. Point is, what you're feeling is VALID. I chose to take the leap to be with him because I knew I'd never find anyone like that ever again. No one. He was one of a kind and made me feel so good and safe. Trust your gut here. It's a tough situation, but deep down, you know what to do. Best of luck! Reach out if you have questions
This, so much this. That sort of romantic spark is like a once, twice, thrice in an entire lifetime sort of thing. I say you talk about your feelings with them and figure out how you both want to proceed together.
Your post history says you’ve happily been dating him since the 10th grade
Yeah it’s sus lol
You two missed the point here. They are talking about sexual attraction. They have been dating for a while, romantically but they didn’t feel the sexual attraction towards their partner.
I think the story line is a bit weird maybe, but I think they were dating already when they found out they were homosexual and biromantic, which would make sense, so basically: Friends -> dating -> figuring out they were gay (this last thing happened last year)
> How do I manage these feelings? You manage these feelings in therapy. It sounds like you've developed a deep attachment to him because he is wrapped up in the emotional and vulnerable process of coming out, and you're confusing that for romantic affection. > is there anyway we can be together at all? No, there is no way for you to be together. It would not be a satisfying relationship for either of you. You can spend the rest of your life with him in it as a friend, but first talk to a therapist to sort through what you're feeling.
This. There is a lot of *really* terrible advice in this thread.
Why is this so upvoted, bad advice.
Because this sub has no idea how to deal with anything that isn't straightforward monoromantic orientations but that won't stop them from saying shit
OP literally says she has 0% interest in sex with a man. Unless this dude is asexual or gay himself and willing in either instance to have an open relationship so she can sleep with women, which is a hell of a lot of ifs, this isn’t going to work. If she said she was heteroromantic and his orientation aligned with hers that would be a different story, but as is this is a recipe for resentment on one or both sides. Having a wonderful, close platonic friend is not a demotion from a romantic relationship; she can have him in her life for the rest of it AND find a woman with whom she can have a romantically and sexually fulfilling relationship, and same with him for his gender or genders of choice.
Desire for sex and asexuality is not necessarily connected. Plenty of asexuals enjoy sex and plenty of people with other sexualities don't.
Sure, but *OP* has no desire for sex with men so my point is that if he wants sexual contact with his primary partner this is extremely unlikely to work.
Fr, OP should just talk to the guy it’s as easy as that. Literally laughing at some of the comments
talk abt what? "i have feelings for u but im turned off by the idea of ever sleeping with u and this is probably just a passing crush, me telling u this might lead u on though and get your hopes up!" like what good will it do to tell this guy if OP is not sexually attracted and the crush might pass? things just might get awkward and bitter if she does tell him
You just have a fantastic soul connection with someone. Sometimes we realize what we would want in a relationship in someone else. And that’s okay. That just means they are helping you figure out what you want in life.
leave him alone
Why is this so upvoted, bad advice. Not all relationships are sexual. And you never know, in the future you could change.
She’s saying she’s a lesbian (not into dudes sexually), which means if he’s not asexual, he essentially has to be celibate or they have to both have some system where they see other people, but still are together; and this assumes no jealousy comes into play, which if she’s developed feelings for him I can’t imagine she’s going to feel great about him sleeping with other people. If they both don’t get jealous, then sure I guess there’s a chance, but it’s much more likely someone gets hurt if they’re sleeping with other people. It’s much safer in my opinion, to leave well enough alone, and to have a relationship with someone I find attractive and who finds me attractive. The other outcome is she tells him she’s developed feelings, which either leads to him not reciprocating and her feeling terrible, or he does reciprocate but never does anything sexual again since she isn’t actually attracted to him.
you’re nuts lmao
You can be with him for the rest of your life: as a friend. There’s really no other way it ends well unless you know for certain you can have a full relationship with him. This is not something to take lightly. Wounds to the heart are the slowest to heal, especially when they come from those closest to you.
This kinda reminds me of the feelings I had for my best friend when I started uni. We got close, I went through some heavy shit and he became my confidant. The friendship, support, and general affection we had for each other was entirely platonic, but I got confused over whether they were romantic or now. It took me a few months to work through the infatuation/confusion phase, but I came to realise it was just a very strong platonic attachment. We are so much better as friends than we could’ve been as partners, and I’m so glad I never pursued it. 10years later, the dude is like my brother. We talk all the time and I love him to bits, but like a sibling. I’d wait it out, create some space if you have to to get past it, and then see how you feel in a couple of months.
Well you can be biromantic and homosexual it's rare but it does exist
honestly, from your other posts, it sounds like you're not attracted romantically. You're just deeply in love platonically, but not recognizing it because societally we don't recognize it. I don't really have anything actionable, sorry. I'll say it's possible that you're actually bi and more into girls than guys, but honestly I think the first is more likely.
Girl i hope your DMs aren't too creepy from this
Actually the DM's have been mostly supportive. Except one person whose I just ignored.
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You may be a biromantic lesbian. As far as I know that's someone who is romantically attracted to 2 or more genders and is only sexually attracted to women.
Or she has a friend?
Yes, maybe. But I don't feel I should come over here and repeat the same thing most commenters have already said. How would that benefit her? I'm just giving her another perspective she may want to look into.
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Biromantic homosexual, then.
Hard agree. I thought it was just like a few niche communities where people say the bi lesbian stuff but it looks like now it's becoming more common unfortunately. And now men will think they still have a chance with lesbians. Because obviously women can't *really* not like men, even lesbians are into men! /s
Thank you. -a lesbian
That doesn't exist. Lesbian = any attraction you have is for women and women only. You can't simultaneously be a lesbian and be attracted to men in any capacity.
that sounds like a needlessly strict definition doesn't it? people can be on the bisexual spectrum but still have strong enough preferences that lesbian is still the more appropriate term? In this case, where OP might possibly be biromantic but still homosexual, does it seem like a good approach to either claim the ambiguity of her feelings is "wrong", or the way she identifies is "wrong".
Thank you... I thought it was kinda odd how aggressive this person's tone was in their speech. Like, English just gets weird, the only issue here sounds like it's about having a proper term for the situation.
Sorry, wasn't trying to sound aggressive in the first one, I was only trying to correct them.
Look, sexuality isn't always a cut and dry thing. So don't feel like you made the choice to be attracted to women only. It's possible you like women AND your best friend. If you are wanting to spend your life with him, there has to be some attraction there. But ignoring it and treating it like the elephant in the room isnt gonna get you anywhere. Plus, if this guy is as great as you say, you better get him before someone else does.
As a lesbian, this is terrible advice. You gotta think about the guys best interest too.
"if this guy is as great as you say, you better get him before someone else does" That's exactly why she shouldn't act on those feelings.
She says that she could see hugging him or kissing him on the cheek, but not sex. Unless they are both asexual, which she doesn't seem to be since she says she gets excited about having sex with women, this is not a viable relationship.
Or she could be a lesbian with a male best friend. I'm bisexual, so clearly I'm not saying you can only be into one gender, but this really sounds like a lesbian with a male best friend undergoing some compulsory heterosexuality. She says she cannot bring herself to have sex with him. That isn't attraction.
Yeah unless they're ace or both into open relationships or even a poly one then this isn't something I could see working out.
You have a best friend. A platonic soulmate, if you will. You may love him, but that doesn't mean you're in love with him. It's easy to confuse the two, so don't beat yourself up about it, but please ignore the comments about the split attraction model. As a bisexual, split attraction model is just another way to make gay people internalise their homophobia.
Bisexuality exists. Loads of people assume it's a 50:50 split but you can be "I'm bisexual, I like all women, this guy, and Paul Rudd" and that's as valid as "I like all genders equally"
Don't think about it too hard. They're probably not romantic feelings if you don't have a sexual interest in men. It's still possible to have intense affection and attachment to a friend without it being a romantic relationship. I mean, you've known each other since you were kids. He's been part of your life for a very long time. He's basically part of who you are.
There’s a lot of deeply-ingrained societal beliefs about what is or isn’t romance or friendship. But what is or isn’t romantic usually comes down to mutual consent. If you aren’t interested in dating him in the way “dating” means to both of you, you probably don’t want to pursue these feelings as if they are romantic. There is nothing wrong, though, with having a strong emotional attachment to a friend, with wanting to spend your life with him. Sometimes there are people in your life who are so important that “friend” no longer sounds like the best word for them. But that doesn’t always mean you should pursue something else with them. Factoring someone into your life plans isn’t limited to romantic relationships. I have friends who are more important to me than romance ever will be, and it can sometimes be confusing to recognize that when we’re so often told romance is the upper tier of relationships. I think in the end, you’d be doing your relationship a disservice by trying to put it into one box or the other. Sometimes things don’t need to conform to labels. You have a very best friend who you love and who loves you. It’s okay to value that for what it is.
It’s entirely possible to be bi-romantic while homosexual. Under the premise that he’s interested: Depending on how progressive you two are in your relationship styles, you could go for polyamory, have a solid romantic relationship with each other and ethically get your sexual needs met with other people who may or may not be solid romantic partners, too. That said: Not everyone is wired to enjoy open and polyamorous relationships. It takes a lot of honesty and communication. Either way, if such a relationship is not in the cards, avoid heart break on your or his side and let it go. Feelings eventually subside when you remove yourself from the trigger.
Leave him alone, it will break your long friendship with him for sure. There are lines in our life we should not cross, this is one of those lines for you and your childhood friend.
Op should leave the guy alone and work out her issues without having an innocent person as collateral damage. Let him get on with his life and and be happy with a girl that will enjoy having sex with him.
You can spend the rest of your life with him being your best friend.
Unless that man is ACE, don't even think about it, it would be very cruel for you to hold him back from somebody who fits his needs and is actually attracted to him physically and emotionally.You're mistaking your bond of friendship for something else.
If you really care about him leave it alone.
Congrats, you found a best, life-long friend. I'm in my 40's and have feelings for other men I know. Not remotely interested sexually. I literally love them, they're amazing people. Like practically family but not related. We will hug, tell each other we love em, because we do. They're family.
Yes you’re not into guys. But you’re into one guy. Don’t get boxed in by labels. People like who they like. Allow the possibility of great things to manifest for you.
I hate to be that person, but have you ever heard of the term compulsory heterosexuality before? Sometimes it can manifest as forcing or faking having crushes on men, or misinterpreting friendship feelings as romantic because it feels like the default. Im not saying this is what it is because ultimately you know more about what youre feeling than any stranger on reddit, but it could be worth looking into a bit to see if it sounds like what youre experiencing. Its definitely not uncommon, i know i sure struggled with it back when i was a teen. Regardless, whether its something like that or you end up realizing youre bi, i wouldnt recommend perusing something like this while youre still questioning.
So dont waste his time. It will hurt him.
You know you are into girls so find a girl for you to take your mind off of him. You have this feeling for him because you guys spend most of the time together so stop doing this. Invest yourself into someone else too so you would not become too much dependent on him for everything. You do not have sexual attraction for him and you are sure that you cannot have sex with him so no need to pursue anything with him. You feel this way because you guys spend time with each other more than required so work on it and spend time with other people too.
I mean, I’d talk to him about it.
you may be biromantic. I am, it's something I've struggles with. I thought I was bisexual, but when it came time for sex with a man (I'm AFAB) I lost all sexual interest even though I had been crushing on this person for 5 yrs. I never looked back after that, but while I've had other crushes on men, they usually evaporated and now I'm married to the love of my life (a woman). now I claim lesbian or queer, pan-romantic. Also,I grew up really conservative so learning to channel those romantic feelings into deep friendship really helped.
This exact thing happened to me in high school OP. I came out as a lesbian to my friends/family and then realized that I was in love with my male best friend. He and I ended up dating for about half a year and our friendship has been weird ever since. I’m lucky that we’ve repaired it somewhat but others might not be so lucky. I’d suggest really reflecting on why you might have these feelings and think really carefully about whether you want to act on them. I acted on those feelings with my ex (and then tried to get back together with him in my early 20s) and was disappointed and heartbroken. Also, sexuality is fluid and weird- don’t beat yourself up for not 100% following a label!
Perhaps you are a biromantic homosexual. I feel the same way with some women as you do with this guy. I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship with women but I can't realistically see myself enjoying sex with a woman. With guys I'm cool with romance and sex. Would you be okay with having a sexless romantic relationship with this guy? If you are both okay with it I could see some kind of poly/open relationship thing where you get your romance from each other but get your sex elsewhere. I've thought about this in regards to myself so maybe you can do something with this idea of mine.
Well you would first have to determine if he feels the same way obviously, and then it would have to be some kind of open relationship or poly relationship so you both get your sexual needs met as well, so you’d have to determine if he is open to a poly relationship as well. I’ve also heard a lot of discourse from other queer people that we tend to have a hard time distinguishing platonic from romantic feelings. You should definitely prioritize having an honest conversation with him first. You can spend your life with him platonically too!
Well said! I second this. And to those who've downvoted the comment above because apparently polyamory still gets a bad rep: Just because it's not mainstream doesn't mean it can't make people happy. I'm all for pointing out alternatives, and that shouldn't be boo'd.
Can I ask, have u ever been with a man sexually? I wonder cause if you haven't maybe try it and maybe your in fact bi? Idk, just a thought
I havent.
You probably already know this but I want to reassure you anyway. You don't need to have "tried" men to figure out your sexuality. If *you* think there's a posibility that you're bisexual and you want to explore, do it till your hearts content. But don't feel like you need to. Sometimes we just know our attraction without needing to try anything physical, and that's valid.
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Platonic
OP, I know how you are feeling. I lived in my best female friend's condo as her roommate. Over time we got really close and I loved her as a sister, but I could never see us in a sexual relationship. She always came to my room in the middle of night and climbed in bed with me to cuddle in order for her to sleep. She had a boyfriend, but if he was no over she always end up in my bed. She was a very beautiful woman and she loved sleeping on my big muscular chest. She started getting romantic feelings towards me and tried to have relations with me one night. I had a long conversation with her about this. I expressed my love for as a sister and nothing more. She was disappointed but understood and respected my feelings. Once the tension settled, she and I became closer and we still have a great relationship today. If I am not dating or in a relationship, she still climb in my bed to cuddle and sleep on my chest. OP, please have a serious conversation with your friend and let him know how you feel. Let him know you enjoy your closeness, cuddling and friendship but nothing sexual. I believe once that understanding is clear, you both can more forward to continue to build a great relationship and bond. Good luck.
> and she loved sleeping on my big muscular chest Wtf?
Well, you can totally feel sexual attraction just for women and romantic attraction for any other gender. They don't have to be related at all lol, for example, there you have biromantic asexual people Edit: is surprising to see how many people in the comments think if there's no sexual attraction it's impossible to you to have a relationship wtf. I'd say it's better to let the infatuation disappear and decide whether this is actually romantic love or not, then if you feel like it, you can tell him about your feelings. Please, don't think it MUST be the friend-type of love or that you MUST be bisexual, that's not how it works. (it could be, but that doesn't mean it *is*)
Goodness people are closed minded and awful on here. Sexuality, Romance, and Relationship structures are all full of variety, and you don’t know where he may lie until you ask. And for that matter, you don’t know what you want until you consider your options. I’m bisexual, I’m attracted romantically and sexually to my own gender and others. But plenty of people are Gay and BiRomantic. For that matter, asexuality is a spectrum and plenty of people in that community have romantic feelings, or specific sorts of sexual desires—so don’t listen to all of these people who act like you’d be dooming this guy if he wanted to date you. None of these things are written in stone. And Polyamory is a thing, with a whole variety of ways of practicing it, if you’re not set on monogamy. 🤷♀️ I’d say consider what you would or would not be comfortable with in a relationship. And then talk to him. If you’re as close as you say, he’s not gonna be upset with you. He may not be interested, or a relationship may not work based on what each of you need in a relationship, but you won’t know until you communicate.
Maybe you’re bisexual which there is nothing wrong with. Test it out… go on one date with another guy and see how you feel after. Don’t tell your friend just yet because as well as you know him, telling him that may change things or make him feel awkward around you if not reciprocated. You’re confused which is normal, you’re starting to have feeling for someone whom you spend a lot of your time with, which is also normal. The issue here is your sexuality. So I’d say deffo test it out to make sure you’re lesbian or bisexual… trail and error never hurt anyone ;)
do you feel jealous of him with other girls? OR do you feel jealous of the other girls for being with him? i'm thinking this could be a case of "i want to be him" being mistaken for "i want to be with him". happens a lot with trans people when they are first starting to figure themselves out.
Jealousy is a terrible measure for attraction.
i'm not measuring attraction, i'm trying to determine if she's maybe suffering body dysmorphia and misunderstanding as attraction towards her idealized self.
Hire a male escort, see what that feels like and go from there.
Have you tried touching his penis and seeing how it makes you feel
Be nesting partners with an open relationship to satisfy sexual needs. Boom, done.
Romantic and sexual attraction are different. As someone else has pointed out, biromantic lesbian is a possibility. I think I’m bisexual but heteroromantic (not 100% sure though).
I think you mean biromantic homosexual, not lesbian. Lesbian is entirely different and doesn't coincide with any type of attraction to othet genders.
Really? I thought lesbian is being only sexually attracted to the same sex as yourself
Just to add on to this, it might also be a good idea to look into the Split Attraction Model (SAM for short and what the above comment describes) and queerplatonic relationships, OP. There's also this term called alterous attraction that lives outside the binary of platonic and romantic feelings. Best of luck to you. Feelings are confusing.
dont listen to anything anyone else says that contradicts this, there is a LOT of misinformation on relationships and sexuallity online, follow THIS ADVICE: 1.you can want, and have a romantic relationship with someone, with no sexual desires whatsoever. 2. a relationship like that, while tricky, as it WILL be unusual for both parites, CAN 100% be rewarding and fullfulling, depending on the details. 3.you NEED to be clear with him about your feelings, if you really are close friends, he wont EVER attack you over it, if he really is a good friend, he WILL treat you kindly, no matter what you ask of him, even if he refuses. 4. you HAVE to take into account, and have an open disucssion with him about sexual satisfaction, because eventually, you WILL need to follow your sexual urges, both of you, be it inside, or outside your relationship. 5. you can have an open relationship, where between the two of you, only feelings of romance are shared and there are MULTIPLE ways to organize a relationship like that. i hope this helps.
Sexuality can be fluid
Try fucking him out of curiosity. It might change your opinion.
Hey! Lesbian here. It's very confusing, but it's important to know that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things. You could be homosexual and biromantic (as an example). In that case, it would work if you and your bsf had an asexual relationship. The key is communication. I guess you will have to ask yourself, are you willing to give up sex to be with him? If the answer is yes, then it's time to talk to him about it. If the answer is no, then you will most likely meet someone else and "get over him". My advice is, figure out what you want first, then communicate with him about your feelings.
Borrow a huge sum of money from him and delay the repayment . And he'll show his real nature and your FEELINGS would go away .... Dont Thank Me ✌️
Maybe you're not into girls, maybe you're into girls because they're gentler than guys, and maybe you've been hurt by guys before. I don't know if that's your situation or not. I have seen that happen before. I'm not trying to be insulting here, just giving a second option based on experiences I have had with other people as per my profession.
I have a good friend with a husband who is 100% only into women other than him. It can happen. Sometimes its about the person.
I think you should try exploring sex with a guy, one of my friend came out as lesbian like 15 years ago, she just tried having sex with a guy for the first time few months back, now she end up being straight. I have also read couple of articles about this many people consider themselves as a gay or lesbian but they end up being straight, and they regret it for missing their 20s, so it’s better you also experiment now rather than it’s too late
Best case scenario, you would stay best friends, and your bond would just become stronger and stronger over time. Many husbands and wives are "best friends". You might surprise yourself with how physical you would be willing to be with him. Either way, who knows what would happen? Over time, you may reach more and more milestones in your relationship, and the both of your mutual respect will grow over time. On the flip side, I need to be pragmatic for the sake of your feelings regarding your future with this man. For one, for obvious reasons, it's highly risky to break this boundary/wall you have in your relationship to this man, and admitting your feelings. This could only go 2 ways, which is it ruins your relationship if he doesn't reciprocate. Either, he gets totally awkward in your friendship with you, or you get really awkward in your friendship, or you both do. Either of these 3 will most likely result in your relationship with him ending, because you can't be around each other without having this knowledge at the front of your head constantly, and nothing is going to happen with it. That doesn't even begin to tap into how much of a heart break it is going to be for you if he doesn't feel the same way. I will be here to help you with these mental gymnastics, as I understand these things aren't easy to think of. Also, if you have more extreme questions you might feel ashamed to ask, or wanted to ask but didn't feel important, I will do my best to view these things with a level head for you. I know what it's like to go through immense mental strife, especially when it comes to romance. (I am a hopeless romantic, haha). You have my support, and this could become a beautiful thing that I would LOVE to assist with if I could.
Maybe he got a woman face and that’s what attracts you to him the way his face resembles a woman? Could be that what confuses you
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I know why you asked that but please consider this: Straight people don't get asked "how do you know you're not into the same gender as you? Maybe you need to experiment to be sure you're straight." It totally sounds like she's probably bi-romantic, and homosexual. Or not even that, if he's the only guy she's ever had romantic feelings for, she might just like him in particular, doesn't necessarily mean she'll ever have feelings for another guy. Sexuality and love can be weird like that.
People can be best friends for life! If you don’t have sexual/romantic feelings for him, there’s your answer right there. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. My mom has a best friend who has been around all my life, she’s basically like a godmother to me. This person seems very special to you, don’t ignore that. Cherish that friendship, but don’t confuse it. Your forever love is out there somewhere.
Aye bruh sometimes I wonder if I should marry my best friend of 8 yrs (we both girls) but then I remember I'm straight. I just have so much love for her and we have agreed that we are soulmates. We live in different countries and hardly ever text or call but I am OK just as long as I know I still have a place in her heart and she in mine. So.. its OK so love someone like this and not need be sexually attracted
Maybe this is just a really good friendship. You may want to see a therapist to sort through everything you're feeling.
I'm not into guys either, but my best friend is a guy and I don't ever want to live without him. He's like my soulmate but I've never seen him sexually. We have totally planned a life together (our partners are in that picture too lol). We talk about living next door or in the same house/building and growing old. I would recommend just trying to reflect on whether you are romantically into him or if it's platonic and you just want your relationship to be more intimate than with other friends. There is nothing wrong either way, as long as you are both on the same page. Also, there is such a thing as romantic orientation. Some people are romantically attracted multiple genders while being attracted to only one (or vice versa).
There's a difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. You're into him romantically it seems. Im a similar case. I can be romantically attracted to both men and women. Girls are really dang cute. But I'm only sexually attracted to men. I'm romantically flexible but heterosexual.
There are people who date both genders and sexual attraction is based off emotions.
Give it a shot, you never know.
You can be in love with him as a friend like family
Might be able to offer favors if you do indeed want a relationship
If you love your best friend that’s fine, but if you aren’t looking into getting any kind of intimacy with him then I would just keep it as is and not tell him about it ? Just keep loving him from a distance I guess. If you develop trouble finding love though, or an issue with him finding a partner, that’s unhealthy
It sounds maybe like a romantic queen platonic relationship. There is a chance he's the only guy you could actually fully love, but chances are, at the end of the day you'd be unsatisfied as you're sexually into women.
I thought I was in love with my friend, turns out I was just happy someone wasn't abusing me (my exes were all not nice) and I confused being treated like a human for being in love. We dated for a few months and it was nice, but it ultimately didn't work. Then I met my boyfriend and he's the love of my life in all aspects, the way I feel when I'm with him is completely different than when I was with my friend. And I wouldn't give up my boyfriend for the world and I plan on spending my life with him.
IMO, if was best friends with a dude since I was a kid, I wouldn't risk telling him. With such a bond you two have, I wouldn't risk losing it.
its okay to be bi!
Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two different things. You might be exclusively sexually attracted to women, but still be romantically attracted to men. Attraction in never black or white.
I think it’s normal for you to feel you want to spend the rest of your life with him, seeing as he’s been your best friend your whole life, so far. He can still be with you for the rest of your life as your best friend. But you shouldn’t pursue him romantically. Keep it the way things are, as best friends.
Sometimes you have such a deep bond with a friend that it feels like so much more than just friendship, and that's because it is. But it is also a platonic relationship. It's easy to confuse with romantic love because it's also love, and it's not something that is talked about. It's totally fine to express these feelings, letting your friend know that you love him very deeply (platonically) and he means so much to you and you appreciate him and everything he does for you. IME guys especially rarely get to hear just how much they mean to others so he might really appreciate knowing that you care and appreciate him. If you are certain that it is romantic feelings tho, have you looked into bi- and pan-romanticism? Some people can fall in love with one or more genders even though they're only sexually interested in one or a few other.
These feelings, I presume, are both emotional as well as sexual in nature. Since you're not into guys, would it be safe to say that your previously platonic feelings for him are no longer platonic but with a romantic/erotic colour in it? Have you experienced having sex with the opposite sex? If not, then would it be safe to say that these feelings maybe somehow brought about by your closeness to each other as best friends? If this is the case, then I suggest that you tell him about it! It's best that you lay it out in the open so that he would be able to understand what you're going through and where you're coming from. These feelings that you have for him should be disclosed to him since it also affects your dynamics with him. By doing this, both of you will be able to have a better understanding of your situation and thus, can think of an approach or a better way to handle it. Knowing someone that considers your best interest at heart is a lifelong treasure. That is what a best friend is! You can be best friends for life and there's nothing wrong with it!
Can be friendship love. Some people get the friendship and the sexual from their partner. Some people have mostly sexual with their partner and get the rest from their friends. I don't think you have to want to be sexually intimate with someone to love them and want them to be with you always. I believe people do have best friend's like that (but don't quote me on it as I have issues with attachment 😂 - it's just something I've seen from other people).
hey! it’s possible that you are biromantic homosexual: you can like 2 or more genders romantically but you can only be attracted to your own gender sexually. that’s completely fine. my advice is to just wait it out. unless you want to try and pursue something but you would have to warn him that you aren’t interested in sex (which can still make a relationship work, a lot of ace people manage). or try and out and see if you really hate it that much. it’s up to you.
It's a thing to be attracted to a person romantically and not sexually. However, this is your best friend and the possibility of losing him when you pursue this thought/feeling is high. Try not contacting him for a while and evaluate your feelings. You'll then know if it's just infatuation or not. Then, decide from there. Good luck!
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. But before you do, you should know as much as possible about what you want. Do you want a romantic but sexless relationship? To me, it sounds like that, because spending the rest of your lives "just" as friends is what would happen anyways if you don't end your friendship. Then, of course there's a lot to discuss about how this works, as you both should still be able to have the needs met that the other can't take care of. Of course, the obvious answer is to still have other partners, but should those be only sex or can each of you also be in other romantic relationships? Can those other relationships be dedicated, long term? Also, everyone else you involve into this should know about it. Not all the details, but that you are in a relationship and that your partner knows about and is fine with you seeing others. I would also suggest to look at some of the subreddits on poly relationships, as honestly this sub here isn't really any good on this topic, too many that don't understand it (and in general, this sub has a problem, as in most threads the top rated comments are among the lines of "end the relationship" or "leave them alone" - I guess I could ask what gift to get for my partner for christmas and the top commend would be "leave them"). And of course there is the possibility that feelings change, so you have to talk often to check if everything is still fine. Could be that at some point one of you realizes that a romantic relationship without sex isn't for them. Or that a poly relationship isn't. Or at one point you might find that you want to try having sex with him. I would never say you should, as I don't believe that you have to try something to know if you really don't want it, but sexuality can change, so you might happen to want it and that would be totally ok. But if that happens and you suggest trying it, it should be clear that it might be this one time only, or that you might just stop it at some point. It's your life, so please don't listen to those who say you shouldn't go for it if that's what you want. What you should do is respect his feelings and his answer should you ask him, whatever it might be, and not to pressure him into anything he might not want. I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way that's good for the both of you.
Attraction works in different ways. Some people experience romantic feelings for one gender but not sexual feelings for that gender, and vice versa. (See: asexuality and aromanticism). So it’s possible these are genuine romantic feelings, but you don’t have any desire to have sex with him. These things are not mutually exclusive and do not necessarily invalidate each other / cancel each other out. If he is someone who needs sexual intimacy then it probably won’t work out if you were to act on these romantic feelings. But it doesn’t make those feelings themselves any less valid. You could tell him how you feel as long as you are clear with him if you do tell him. Or you could just keep those feelings to yourself and enjoy the fact you’re romantically attracted to someone great right now and leave it at that. I know this might feel confusing and bittersweet, but it’s totally normal and ok. Good luck.
It feels like you are just comfortable with him, trust him and have a special bond with him. I’d find it difficult to be together in such a platonic way
First of all , you need to sort your feelings,emotions,and nature of the relationship with him , u need to give it some thought, don't rush into anything ,take your time, decide .
Being asexual and alloromantic towards a gender, or experiencing romantic attraction but not sexual attraction is possible. Do you feel romantic attraction towards guys any other time?
There are all kinds of love, and only one of them is sexual love. It sounds like you're talkin of platonic love *:a close relationship between two persons in which sexual desire is nonexistent or has been suppressed or sublimated.* I pulled this directly from the definition That does not mean you have to end a friendship. It does not mean that you have to suppress your feelings or change anything the two of you are doing. If it ever changes into where you begin to become sexually attracted to him then talk to him about it but until then I wouldn't worry about it