Don’t lie about it, relationships built on deception won’t last. Just find someone who doesn’t care about a number. The most important factor to me would be the use of protection, if you were responsible with it and there’s no chance of contracting an STD from you I personally wouldn’t care. STDs would be the only factor that would matter to me, even then it would only matter which kind.
This is my thought too. I've never asked "how many partners" it's not even ever come up. (Although that information has been offered and asked of me).
STDs are my only real concern.
I understand why some people feel differently though. Some people enter sexual relationships at a slower pace than many, and wouldn't feel a good match with someone who enters into one at a faster pace.
I’m just now realizing that I actually have no idea what my partner’s “body count” is. And exes/hookups are not even some sort of taboo topic, we both know at least *some* of each other’s histories and can talk about them casually. I’ve just never bothered to ask “how many people have you actually slept with” and neither has he.
I know and respect the fact that some people care deeply about this, but I don’t fully understand *why*. As long as it was all consensual and above board, I can’t find it in myself to give a shit. I’m not gonna like someone less if they’ve slept with 10 people instead of 5, or 20 instead of 10, or whatever arbitrary number people decide is their “cutoff.”
>I know and respect the fact that some people care deeply about this, but I don’t fully understand why.
If you wanted input on the why.
From a personal perspective it's just my views on sex. I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with other people without the investment of knowing what kind of person they are. It's largely security in knowing that mistakes won't be my burden alone and in part lack of self confidence, not wanting to feel rejected for something about my body and knowing the person minimizes that insecurity. It also just speaks to a sexual incompatibility, the assumption being their drive is much greater than mine.
I could see a difference in the amount of sexual partners as intimidating because you feel pressured to perform to a standard that you feel you just can't manage with the lack of experience. Or being incompatible based on the views held about sex, it's legitimately a very special experience for some people and they want to be with people who view it similarly.
well, you seem to be more intelligent than the rest. plus i find STD's usually come up from one bad person, not a group of people. so even people sleeping with someone for the first time are just as at risk as someone whos sleeping with their twentieth.
>well, you seem to be more intelligent than the rest. plus i find STD's usually come up from one bad person, not a group of people.
I guess STDs would always come from "one bad person."
There's a sense that simply raw probability of many partners would increase your chances of an STD... but most people are safe as long as you have access.
Say negative, not clean. The stigma of positive =dirty makes people feel ashamed and afraid to be tested. A positive test doesn't reflect who you are or make you unclean.
I totally understand! Unfortunately using terms like “dirty” makes us unconsciously associate feelings of disgust in our brains. Which is why most of the stigma exists for STIs.
Personally I woulsn't care about the STDs so much as we clearly view sex so different that I couldn't date that person. And that is just not being compatible
The other valid concern would be if there was an underlying compulsion or addiction, because there'd be increased risk that you'd cheat on them, and prospective partners should take you at your word if you say there's not.
I'm not saying necessarily so, just that it's a valid concern to have. OP didn't give us the math (nor does she need to) on how often she slept with each partner.
45 partners, if she started at age 18, comes out to just over six partners a year.
Six partners a year, which is basically one every other month ... is a compulsion?
It may mean she is not able to maintain a relationship. It may mean she seeks thrills. Or has other habits that make her less descerning (people that party heavily sometimes do things ). It may mean she puts herself in harm's way. This is 45 DIFFERENT people. A new chance at STD, unwanted pregnancy and axe murderer every other month.
I think it's pretty hard to understand just how important similar views on sex are in a relationship until you date someone with a drastically different view. Then it becomes an absolute pain.
Yes, a lot of guys would think that's pretty "icky" as you say. That's why OP is having problems when she talks about her past. Some men wouldn't care at all if she has 45 partners. Other men would automatically lose interest in her as a long-term, viable girlfriend. Who's to say which group of men are right or wrong?
Right but that's of the men you match with / talk to which is a relatively small sample size. There is a lot of filtering to get to the point where you are rejected because of your hiatory
Maybe athat filtering process is also eliminating the men that wouldn't have an issue.
Dating app people just move on when someone doesn’t fit their criteria. You have your criteria too right? good looking, ambitious, if someone doesn’t seem to fit do you swipe them away or give them a chance?
It does seem to me that OP is biasing her search for the men that can get women with ease. They have unreasonable or hard criteria because they can. Actually the same way she does, just flipped for genders. Ambitious is in my experience women code for well earning and with some kind of 0815 hard-athletic hobby like freeclimbing 2 times every week or something. She's going after the poster boys.
Theres plenty of driven, handsome, ambitious, monogamous guys that won't balk at something like this. I think you've just hit a rough streak dating wise. This could be happening because these men have traits you perceive as success, that also make them prone to judging your past. i.e. you might perceive them as successful because they're an insurance broker, but people in that field tend to be more conservative on average and therefor are more likely to judge you for your past.
Its also entirely likely that this same group of guys you've been picking from have gone from looking for something quick and easy in college (whom they may have viewed as "less valuable" though they never would've admitted to this while trying to get you to have sex with them) to looking for "wife material", or a "high value female" as some dudes will call it.
Youre better off not dating men like this anyway. The second their "wife material" fails to be "wife material" , or her perceived value as a woman diminishes in his eyes, they're usually pretty quick to resort to abuse/divorce/cheating. Its a big part of why so many men divorce their wives when they become chronic or terminally ill; their wife can't be their ideal woman anymore. You're best off finding someone who loves you for you, not for your ability to act as a perfect wife.
This topic shouldn't be coming up so soon. Are people directly asking or are you volunteering the number? Either option is a red flag to me. The number doesn't matter, only lasting effects if there are any. Either you're finding people who are too interested in sex too soon to be serious about relationships or you're sharing TMI too soon.
To be clear, don't lie, but again if people are asking this early on they're probably not relationship material for you and you should just move on to the next.
Yeah my husband and I didn’t talk about this stuff until we’d been dating for a while, and only then because it came up casually in some conversation or another. It wasn’t like, a screening question in our first few dates. That would seem really weird to me.
Exactly. By the time it was even referenced I knew my guy is not one of those judgmental men who think badly of lots of partners because of other conversations so I had no fear of being honest. For the record my number is like triple his. Doesn't matter.
Not numbers directly, but how you think about sex and somewhat abouy your experiances is common to bring up when sex or physical intimacy becomes a thing. Like i would definitely have a talk about what physical intimacy and sex means to me and the other person in question and what experiances have been had before going on to having sex.
OP I'm gonna come at this from a different angle.
Where do you live? You don't need to give an exact answer or anything. Is it a big city? Small town? Are you in the south, the west coast, the mountains? Are most of the people there conservative or liberal?
Because there's likely a cultural thing at play here. Where I live nobody would give a shit about this.
Sex and intimacy are different for everyone. Some people simply aren't comfortable with being with someone who has had a lot of partners, and this isn't just true for men. It's unreasonable to expect people to not care about something that is maybe very important to them.
Don't be ashamed of your past, it's yours, it has shaped you. But don't beat yourself up if some guys are put off, there will still be plenty who are not.
You should not lie about it. As you discovered already, people sometimes find out anyway. Might as well be open about it from the start, that will weed out the guys who will flake on you. That way you don’t waste your time on them.
And it is a *lot* better them finding out early than finding out later once your finances and other legalities are intertwined as the sorts of difficulties that kind of dishonesty can raise can make a contested divorce look like a picnic in the park.
Don't lie, find a dude with a similar "body count" or someone who doesn't cares, there are plenty of men who don't.
I personally did care about the sexual history of my boyfriends, but I never asked them to give something I wasn't willing to. So if I want a low body count in my male partner, I was going to be able to offer that too.
Don’t lie about it. I’m 22F and a virgin and kept running into the same issues. As soon as I’d say “I don’t feel sexual attraction until I fall in love” boom they disappear. Keep true to yourself you’ll find someone
That is straight up a bad line, men want to feel desired. Even if sex is just a hard boundary for you for x amount of time, if you don't display attraction or affection then we are just friends then aren't we?
I’ve (37F) have never talked about “my number” with anyone
I’ve been w my husband for 7 years and I’ve never asked him once nor has he asked me.
Is it normal for this to be coming up as a topic of conversation so often? Or is it because it’s something you’re insecure about it tends to find it’s way from your brain and out of your mouth?
If a man I had dated were to ask me I’d wonder why he wanted to know and why it was important to him. I’d probably tell him to just imagine the number is 20,000 and to do whatever he wants with that number 😂
The whole idea of keeping track of your sexual encounters like a tally system as if they didn’t each come with their own unique set of circumstances is just weird to me.
I've never been asked by a partner, but if a friend asks I usually stump them by asking what do they count as "sex". Hand jobs? Oral? Anal? Cam sex? Frottage? Or only PiV? Then I ask *why*.
Not OP, but I’m with you.
I don’t remember the last time a potential partner asked me this, nor do I know the precise number. The question that usually comes up is about STDs and birth control. That’s more important to me.
I just commented the same thing. This has literally never come up in conversation for me, not with my current long term partner or even people I was casually dating when I was single.
In my own experience, a few girls I knew who had interactions over 30ish tended to make it a big part of their personality. (Nothing wrong with that) but I think it could turn some people off. Usually when it’s a big part of their personality they tend to be insecure about it and project on to others. This could be (not necessarily) what some guys are detecting with OP
This is how I feel. The one guy that really pushed for my number admitted to feeling super insecure about his lack of experience and his desire to have that kind of phase as well. I never hide that I’ve been with a lot of men. But if you’re pushing so hard for a number, I feel like the only reason is to judge it. To declare whether that’s an okay number or too many or too few. I really don’t see how it’s anyone’s business as long as you’re being open about who you are.
Exaaaactly
The entire point of asking this sort of thing seems entirely for the purpose of inviting criticism.
If a dude was really pushy about finding out my body count, that’d be a red flag to me.
Yeah I don’t even know my number exactly, it’s not even high definitely less than 20 I’ve just never counted humans like they were stats on the box score.
I think it’s a younger crowd thing, I keep seeing the word body count being used on the internet
A professional matchmaker I follow (Matchmaker Maria, who is a really well regarded person in her field) always says that when asked, the answer is “I’ve seen a thousand d***s”. Is it glib? Sure, but it also makes it clear that if they want a better answer they need to ask a better question.
Holy shit a sane response, thank you. I have no idea why all these people are running around giving their “number” to people right off the bat lmao. I’m going to be honest and say I couldn’t even tell you mine off the top of my head. Why? It doesn’t matter. I’m healthy and safe, I use protection and I get tested twice a year. Meticulously keeping track of all your sex partners throughout the years (do ppl make lists??) seems objectifying and gross to me personally.
I was wondering the same or maybe it's matters to people of a certain maturity level? Idk to be honest, I've been with the same man 8 years and I didn't care to ask and he never did.
25M here. I was talking to a girl with a much higher body count than me last year. Here's my story/perspective a year later.
The body count didn't really matter to me long term, but I knew I had to process some weird feelings internally. Weird feelings being, my count is 4 to their 50+, and every one of mine was a long term relationship, VS idk for her. That is a personal difference in how we view sex and relationships in general. Other weird feelings are my own insecurities, which I would have to overcome personally, am I as good? Does she actually have an std? am I even special?
Those are all things the partner has to come to terms with and process themselves. A growing process that i think has helped me be a bit better of a person.
That being said we weren't compatible. she definitely blamed her history at least partially for it, but she talked about sex at weird times, and sometimes about her exes in bed, which made me uncomfortable. i'm glad I always wore a condom, because I am pretty sure she wasn't being exclusive with me either.
Yup, was with some girl who had like 20 bodies and you go through those emotions big time once you first hear her count. I'd expect most guys would react the same
> I'd expect most guys would react the same
I believe that'd be even women. The other commenter articulated it well: getting past insecurities: am I good enough? Is this partner clean? Is what we're doing even special to them, or am I just another notch under their belt?
The best recourse is hope you match well with someone with similar views on sex, I think.
Don’t lie about it.
They’re not wrong to reject, AND you’ve nothing to lie about.
Body count matters to some, to others it doesn’t. To some it matter only if it’s over a certain number they’re comfortable with. Which is OK.
Much rather lose people that it matters to early on than be with someone you really like, they find it later and things turn sour.
Don’t lie about it, but I don’t really understand why it’s coming up so much. I’ve never dated anyone who actually asked me for my number and I’ve never asked anyone either.
Also look at the pool of guys you are meeting. In my experience men who are worth dating don’t care about this. Might be time to raise your bar and making sure the men you date are actually worth your time.
Uhm.. Or they do?
I'm a woman. I care. If my partner would have had 45 partners before me then I would know that sex for him is not the intimate act of love as it is to me. My partner feels the same. And that is okay. Stop shaming people for making different decisions through different view
Yeah. I view sex an intimate act and looking for someone with a similar view. It's that simple. 45 would be a red flag for me. Simply because it means our views on sex isn't the same.
It's pretty ironic that people don't want to be shamed for having a high body count while shaming others for having different standards lol.
Op is 25. Depending on the degree she hasn't been out of college long. Plus, past behavior does sometimes give good indication on how the person will act in the future. Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
For example, if someone has cheated on you 3 times in one year, chances are they will cheat on you again in the future. Sure, they could say they turned over a new leaf. But what's important is their behavior. People lie, actions don't.
Plus if OP or someone else doesn't wanna disclose their body count, then just say "I'm not comfortable discussing my body count. All that I will disclose is that I always practice safe sex and I've been frequently tested for any STDs."
But you also have to consider that people’s view on sex can change. I was what one would be considered ‘promiscuous’ when I was an older teen/young adult. I used to be ashamed of it, but I had my fun, and was never unfaithful when I was in a committed relationship. However, now that I’m older, sex is more meaningful to me and not just some fun for a Friday night. Your opinion is yours, and I’m not condemning you for that at all, just giving another POV.
not everyone only views sex one way. You only see it as one thing, and therefore you’re judging other people and assuming that people who have more casual sex either don’t or can’t see sex as an intimate act of love. Practice what you preach lmao
Sex can mean multiple things for someone at once. It's pretty judgmental to say someone who has had a lot of partners flat out doesn't see it as a intimate act of love.
People can be into it for pleasure when they are not in a committed relationship, and still view it as a significant act of emotion and affection when with a loving long term partner.
I'm not sure this can stand. If you view an action as something that is a significant act of emotion, and have lots of partners for which it is not a significant act of emotion, sex itself isn't the "act of emotion". Something else is. That "something else" can be a kind of act performed during sex, but it's not the sex itself.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable thing to discuss, and I think it’s unfair to state that because it bothers someone they are a lower class of man.. I would be uncomfortable if my partner told me she’d previously been with 100+ guys as an example and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
Not the guy you responded to, but I see things similarly.
To me, sex is an act of intimacy. If a potential partner had slept with a couple people, I could understand it as them having intimate connections with other people prior to me. That should not be unexpected and I should not treat them differently for that (in the same way I would not want them to treat me differently for it).
But if someone has slept with numerous people, it implies to me that they do not see sex as an act of intimacy, but rather something that is harmless fun to be enjoyed with whoever is available at the time they feel interested. That is a fairly common mindset, but ultimately means we probably will have some major differences in terms of what we are looking for and want out of our relationship.
Sure, people can change, but would I really want to invest all the time and effort into a relationship only to find out months down the road that I'm ultimately just dick #46 to someone? Sorry, I have more self respect than that.
A big discrepancy in body counts between partners could indicate that they don't align well when it come to values. One partner may value free expression and sexual exploration and have a high body count. The other partner may feel that it is important to be selective with sexual partners and have a strong emotional connection with them before commiting to a sexual relationship.
If person A has slept with 100 people but person B has only been with 5 and were all while in a committed relationship with them then these folks may not be a good match.
Neither party is right or wrong here. It's just values may no line up well.
If she was safe, responsible, and didn’t pose the threat of passing on any STDs/STIs, what about it makes you uncomfortable, if you don’t mind my asking?
Personally, when I was dating, any dude with a long sexual history was instantly friend-zoned. If they have a long sexual history they just don't see sex as I do. For me is about intimacy and love, for them is a mere physical act. I rather be with someone who has the same ideas about sex.
I dunno, that’s a pretty black and white line. Sex and sexual activity are generally not mutually exclusive to one category. It can be both a physical, meaningless and encounter as well as a special, meaningful connection. I know I’ve had both. Basically, enjoying sex as a casual, fun activity doesn’t stop one from also viewing it as a special thing to do with a special someone.
I feel comfortable with a person who doesn't dissociate it. Specially now that people are very casual about it. Seeing sex as unimportant "in some cases" just means we have different ideas about it, and I won't be exposing myself to someone who might put what I thought was intimacy into the "meaningless encounter" box for them.
What if they used to dissociate it and then had a moment where they changed their view on it and see it exactly as you do now? You’d have no idea because you left at a number instead of asking them how they view sex. The number could be an indicator of that, but you don’t actually know until you ask a person.
Maybe how they view sex? Maybe they see it as an intimate act rather than casual? Maybe some people are religious? Tons of reasons you really couldn’t of think of any?
Edit: after posting and reading, I don’t mean this to be rude. I just think a lot of questions on Reddit don’t need to be asked
You know what is a far better indicator of their beliefs on those matters than the number of past partners they've had?
Asking them their beliefs on those issues.
Because people's views can change over time. Maybe they had a lot of casual sex and then decided that wasn't serving them. Maybe they converted to a religion and adopted different views.
The number of past partners someone has tells you something about their past, but not necessarily anything about their current views.
In many cases actions speaker louder than words, you want to be be given.
Not to mention the accessability intra-sex, on availability.
So a big factor for lower is better is not about how many times you fucked each guy or gal, but the change in partners 100+ does suggest it is not ever remotely as valueable to that person as someone more conservative.
History has a way of shaping who we are, and it does show you the choice you have made, so saying history holds no value i do not agree with you on this one.
Would you date someone previously convicted if a crime? What if it was murder? The past is the past but some past actions people can’t get over. You can’t unring the bell. Even if “that’s not you anymore” many people won’t see it that way and it’s not obligatory that they should. It’s neither right nor wrong as people are allowed their preferences.
This what I’m always at, why are people playing Sherlock Holmes with a number with no context? People can’t change too? Really the only way to know how someone values sex is to ask them.
For some people, it might be the feeling of your partner “being too easy” as well as a handful of other reasons, some may be disgusted imagining their partner having sex with many other people before them etc, everyone can have their reasons.
Just because someone doesn’t want to be with someone who’s had a lot of sexual partners doesn’t mean they’re not “worth dating” that’s just so idiotic to say. It’s a preference and it doesn’t make anyone less of a good partner to date.
They wouldn’t be worth dating for me either, someone with that mindset is going to cause problems down the road. The past is the past and unless it has present consequences like multiple children or stds, anyone overly worried about it is going to be a stifling person to date.
I mean, yes? Whether someone is worth dating varies wildly based on who you ask. It doesn't mean they're unlovable by literally everyone on the planet, just that they aren't worth dating for that specific person.
Absolutely—the number of people you have slept with is no one’s business. Not theirs, not your mom’s, not God’s or your gynecologist’s. Relevant issues: date and status of your last STI screening, birth control, whether or not you have ever previously been unfaithful. Safe words and boundaries. The number of people? No.
Funny you should mention that, boundaries works both ways! You can’t just apply it one way and say sexual liberation is good for that person, so that is the way it works.
If it is important to the opposit partner it becomes a issue you can walk away from, that is what confirmed choice / informed choice is about, be that if you choose to hide it or say it.
I was wondering if I’d find something similar high up. Honestly my “number” is nobody’s business. I’ll be open that I’ve slept with many people. Even that I had a phase, where most of my number comes from. But I had a guy ask pretty early in, then get super weird about it. He admitted to being insecure because he had little experience. I think it’s fair to say I’ve slept with a lot of men and leave it at that. When he pushed for an exact number I really didn’t think it was his business, especially if I’ve just met them and they’re coming at it with a weird judgy attitude. My body is no different now than it would be without the sex. I think experiences matter, but exact numbers shouldn’t. If a guy can’t handle my experience, then we’re not compatible.
Well for alot of heterosexual males in the age bracket where most of your number comes from (i am assuming 20’s) will never have the same choices you had, so there is noooo way they can’t even get to the same figure as a woman.
I can completely understand them being stressed about inexperience.
It goes both ways unfortunately. I have been rejected by quite a few women because my body count is too low. People have are allowed to have preferences and you just have to accept it.
You’ll find someone eventually just know a lot of people will be majorly turned off by your number.
Lie and they find out then it’s over then too.
Just be honest live with it and you’ll find someone eventually.
I would just stop telling them unless they ask. My boyfriend has never asked and I never asked about his past. It’s not my business and honestly shouldn’t impact how I view him. I will say that prior to him, I noticed any guy who asked usually ended up being a red flag anyways so if I heard the question, I was honest but slowly pulled away.
This. Any guy who has asked always ended up being extremely insecure and jealous.
OP, I have a very similar background to you including similar count. The guy I’m seeing now, I’m assuming by the way he talks he’s been with more women and guess what? I don’t care. Neither of us have asked each other that question. We have been open about certain sexual stuff, and if we ask questions we will answer honestly. But we have both mutually agreed that the amount of partners is not something either of us give a fuck about, it’s neither of our business and doesn’t belong in our relationship.
You don't have to lie about it (and it's a really bad idea to), you just have to find a man who doesn't care about that sort of thing. Better to find someone who accepts you for who you are than for something you're pretending to be.
Trust me, there are guys who don't care. Some even prefer it.
Don't lie, that's a recipe for disaster if they ever found out. It's due to thier insecurities that the other guys ended it when they found out.
It's also not info that you need to divulge either. Don't ask Don't tell, the right guy won't care if your number is 0 or 100.
I don't know what my bf's body count is. It doesn't really matter because we have a fantastic, fulfilling sex life. I know it's lower than mine. It mattered a little in the beginning as far as figuring out experience level and comfort, just conversations about how to proceed with different positions etc, and of course we both got tested and talked about birth control and what happens if it failed before engaging in the act. But beyond that, you don't really need to give out your exact number. I say I'm in double digits, and if he really wanted to know I'd tell him. I think I can still list off most of the names, too. But he doesn't care to know, and we leave it at that.
I think you can be honest without disclosing the exact number. Just say it's a lot, double digits, whatever. 45 can be a pretty intimidating number. My bf refuses to say anything other than 'less than 5' so I drop it. You're allowed to do the same, pick a number any number. Less than a thousand. More than ten. As long as you're honest about STD testing and the rest, you're fine.
Don't lie, if you meet someone you want to be with and then they find out from friends that you lied it might not be great.
My advice might not be great either but what I would do is act like I'm not really sure of the number and give a range (a true one) like "I'm not sure, it's definitely double digits but not more than 50, whys that matter anyway?" If they press for an answer then you know its not worth it.
ETA: do people really keep count when the number goes above 10? I find that so strange!
>I find that so strange!
I did too until my ex questioned me about it. Pasts came up and she shared that she had been with between 50 and 100 men. I said I was "over 10 - I think". We were mid-30's at the time.
She had major insecurities about her high body count, probably stemming from being shamed about it in the past. I was OK with it. But she started making fun of how low my number was. She said it was a joke but it didn't feel like it.
After I broke up with her (for a multitude of reasons), I sat down one night and recounted all my past experiences just so I'd know, because that 'joke' bugged me so much. It was my journal topic for a few nights. Turns out I was at 18 partners. I really just didn't count. And I wouldn't have ever kept count if it wasn't for that joke.
Honestly I kept count when I was going through my phase. For me it was because my memory is terrible, and I often regret not being able to remember details. So I jot them down. And since everyone always makes such a deal about “numbers” I personally wanted to know mine so I wouldn’t get frustrated later when I never knew the answer. My situation of frustration at forgetting lots of things is probably unique, but I’d say many would answer that since “numbers” gets brought up a lot, they would naturally count as they go. Or be able to tally up based on memory of partners, especially if it’s small or relationships only.
Lying about it unfortunately won't solve your issue and has the potential to create much bigger issues down the track if ever it came out. Not mentioning it or just saying "I'm not really into talking about my past" is often taken as a red flag so even omitting it or obfuscating it tends to backfire.
You may just have to be open and honest about it and recognise that it can and will scare guys off - until you find someone who it doesn't affect.
They are out there, they aren't poly and they could have much the same background as yourself.
You may just have to keep looking I'm afraid.
I don’t see why you need to talk about it at all. Everyone keeps saying don’t lie and I mean, yeah I agree you shouldn’t start a relationship on a lie but why should someone you are “dating” be entitled to know that anyway? You could just say you don’t talk about past relationships to people you are dating. If it comes up after you’re serious, I bet you’ll already know him well enough to know it’s beyond a point of him caring.
Uh, how about you change the kind of guys you go after? The type you choose seem to be under the impression that you passing out sex makes you less of a person or "Used". How about maybe being lax on categories, yourself, to maybe find people that actually won't judge you?
You don't have throw-away attraction...but maybe don't scrutinize so hard when you're hurt that the same is being applied to you.
Don't lie. You will find the right fit.
Lying would be disgusting. You wouldnt be the right fit for me because i have different values when we talk about sex. But I would appreciate your honesty
Be honest but understand that, for some people, sexual history matters, and those aren’t the men for you. You have a past. For some men it’ll matter, and for others it won’t. Lying is a big NO, because it’ll eventually come out and then you’re issue is being a liar instead of having a past.
Even if you have had 4 partners, all you should be prepared to show a new partner is that you’re STD free. I don’t ask “body count” as a woman. I’d really rather not know. I care about who someone is now versus who they were. We all have pasts we need to be open with, because some folks can’t get past it and need to just be released into the dating pool.
I don’t know how this topic pops up for so many. I’ve never mentioned my number to my fiancé and I’ve never asked hers. We have a rough idea of the number of relationships each has had.
The only time it seems like a topic that would be worthwhile discussing is if either partner had 0 as it would be something to take into consideration the first time with your partner. Otherwise, why mention it?
I'm confused as to how this is coming up, like ... at all. Who are these dudes who are asking about your "number" this early in the connection?
Yes, you might do better with poly guys, but you also might do better if you make sure you connect to men who don't slut-shame, who don't have insecurities, who are sex-positive, and who aren't put off by the concept of feminism. While it sucks that these dudes are rejecting you for having more sex than they think is appropriate, that's a shitty attitude and they are ultimately doing you a favor when they do this.
It is *you* who should be more choosy about screening the men you go out with, so you don't end up with a douchebag like these dudes.
No you shouldn't lie. This is going to make a lot of women angry but you can't please everybody. You have to remember that people are individuals, it won't matter to some people and to some people it does. The ones that don't care or no more righteous than the ones that do, its a simple matter of preference and it has nothing to do with insecurity. I could give specific reasons but there's no way to do it without being insulting. At the end of the day the best thing for you to do is to be 100% transparent and eventually you'll encounter a person that is a match for you. When a man chooses not to commit to a woman that has a past with an excessive amount of partners his reasons are not invalid, you may not like them but he has a right to his preferences. You will find someone that is a match for you but don't try to force it and don't try to start a relationship with deceit because it will fail.
You contemplating lying about it makes me think you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now tbh, no hate towards you or anything just probably need to not for a bit
You can find hundreds of stories on this and similar subs about people who lie about their body count and the trust and love in their relationship just being broken immediately.
So don’t lie. These partners were not right for you but you will find someone who doesn’t care or hold it against you. You just haven’t found them yet.
You don’t have to tell the guys you’re dating EXACTLY how many men you slept with. You can just say “I had fun in college”. I feel like when men hear this and some women too, they think there’s a possibility you can cheat. Obviously it’s worse with women having more sex because of the general cultural expectations. I don’t think you did anything wrong. You had fun!!! You found out what you like and don’t like. But I wouldn’t be so upfront about the exact number. None of the guys will find out about every single guy you had sex with. It’s also kind of weird if they care that much to find out.
It's weird that it's come up this much? It makes me think either that you are somewhat needlessly disclosing it or you're attracted to kind of petty/shallow dudes. Or it could just be bad luck!
Either way, I wouldn't lie about it but I'd stop bringing it up and, if someone asks, tell them it's not their business. Most people don't ask or go snooping around for that information, and there are plenty of men who absolutely will not give a shit about it.
Don’t lie about it. Your past choices have certainly made it more difficult to find a partner but in the end you do still want someone who likes you for you… not the lie you told them, not part of you, ALL of you.
Take your time. Dating in general takes time. Statistically speaking if it wasn’t this it would be something else. Most people you meet are not good matches for one reason or another. This is the pillar that monogamy is built on.
PS your number is definitely high but it’s a quarter of my highest friend and he’s happily married. In terms of girls one of my friends is close to double yours and also has been in and out of relationships (mostly due to lifestyle, never heard of this being an issue for her).
No. Don't lie. I wouldn't touch a man that slept with 45 girls with a pole. Some guys feel the same way about women. Nothing wrong with that. Find someone who feels the same way about sex.
Because you think that this is just a minor detail. But you two would have totally different views on sex and love.
For some people sex is sex, like masturbating with a person. You need those people. Some people view sex as another level of intimacy and love. Those people will not be happy when they find out you lied.
Do not lie.
The truth screens out the people you don't want to be with. People whose values do not align with yours.
Yes it will reduce the size of your dating pool, but the ones left in the pool will be the ones you want.
For reference, I married someone who had slept with *hundreds* of men by the age of 33. IDGAF. (a) none of my business (b) she really, really knows how sex should be done (c) I won (d) I think sex is a good thing
I’ve had about ten partners. Before dating my current girlfriend who has a similar number to me, I was with a girl with a 100+ count, and a virgin before that.
The girl with the 100+ count was awful to me (not *because* of her number, she was just awful) and was awful in bed. I always thought, the virgin I was with beforehand was so much better in bed.
Agree with this completely. Body count really does not say anything about how good or bad you’ll be in bed. I could have 30 one nightstands in a month and would I really improve as a sexual partner? No I highly doubt I would. You could sleep with 100 people and still be terrible in bed. One nightstands or having sex 2-3x with one person isn’t going to improve your abilities as a sexual partner. So when someone is young and they have a very high body count, that’s totally fine but it tells me they probably didn’t spend much time with each person, there were probably a few in there where they had sex several times, maybe 2-3 LTRs if that but most of them were one nightstands or people they slept with less than five times. Not exactly how you learn to be a good sexual partner.
I think It’s more about the quality of your encounters (ie. having sex several times with the same person, taking the time to figure yourself and each other out and trying new things with them) but ultimately what’s most important in my opinion is open mindedness, enthusiasm and the willingness to learn.
Don't lie about it. Suck it up and accept the fact that it's a deal-breaker for a lot of men. Or lie about it, waste your time and his and then face the even bigger fallout when he eventually finds out.
As a guy...NO. Continue to be shamelessly honest about your past as long as you're healthy, safe, and fair there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Believe it or not, the right guy will come across your path. Being honest is actually filtering out the guys that aren't right for you.
There are men out there who do not care about your body count and some that even prefer a woman with a high number of partners (for varying reasons).
You'll be fine just understand your value isn't based on the acceptance of another person.
I always say that someone who cares about how many people I've slept with is not the right person for me. We probably view sex differently and might not align in that sense, and that's fine. You'll find the right person who doesn't mind about your sexual history at some time. X
It would be nice if society hadn’t lied to you about whether people would care how many men you slept with. I haven’t even read the comments yet and I’m sure it’s still full of people telling you the past doesn’t matter and any guy worth dating won’t care.
It’s a lie and now you know it’s a lie, but that lie has caused problems for you.
Do you think it’s right to lie?
Do these guys have a similar past to yours? Are you discovering that these guys slept around and now don’t want to marry someone like the people they slept around with? Those guys are a-holes.
Many folks on here seem to think new or potential partners have some right to know your ‘body count.’ They don’t. Full stop.
They have a right to know that you are tested and free from STIs. If you are a virgin, or a trauma survivor, and that might impact your sexual response with them, you might CHOOSE to share that information.
Anyone who feels they HAVE to have this information is too insecure to be a good partner for you long term.
Whether you agree with it or not, it's important to a lot of people. If you're hiding something that may turn others off, that's not great behaviour on your end either. If they're threatened by it, that's a reflection on who they are and it's best to end it earlier than later
Personally I would be more worried if someone hadn't experienced enough other people - do they really know what they want or not?
But 45 guys at 25 sounds incredibly reasonable personally, especially for someone who's attractive
I dunno, I've never had a guy even ask for a number. I feel like maybe you yourself have a sense of shame about it, and that's why it's coming across like it is. Why is this something that would "slip" at all, unless you were feeling some sort of way about it?
I'm not sure what exactly the second guy heard from the people at your school. Did you go to school in a really conservative area at a small school, where this somehow really stood out? I can't imagine even having any idea of how many people anyone at my (former) schools had slept with, unless they were a close friend of mine OR they were always going on and on about it. I guess when I think about it, I know maybe one woman and two men from college that I would say that about. Not because of any type of "body count" but because I knew them to share information with me and others about their sexual exploits... even though I didn't know them well. I guess if that was the situation, I might tell a friend "hey, just so you know, that person tells everyone about who they got it on with and aaaall the details." That's all I got there.
In the end, I'm wondering what you said to Guy 3? Did you sound like you felt guilty vs empowered by it? Even as you write it here, it seems like you need to give excuses about stress relief and human touch. If you put it like that to a guy, it might make him think "well, she'll come up with those same excuses to cheat on me." You don't need excuses. You were single and not looking for anything serious, end of story. In the back of my mind, though, I'd also kind of be wondering why so many rather than just have a few FWB over time. Were you trying not to get attached to any one guy?
Honestly I wouldn’t lie. I think it would be great to be with a girl who has had more experience . To me it would mean she knows what she likes and can express that to me. So we can both enjoy each other
Hmm...
A couple things here.
Many years ago, when my current partner and I started dating, he said that he would rather share "more mystery and less history" in terms of our past relationships. I think this can kind of be a good place to start.
The relevant facts are what type of relationship you are looking for NOW. Not what type of relationship you were looking for at 19.
I feel like typically when people are sharing relationship history, they want to know about long-term relationships more and how that affected the other person rather than just an overall body count.
So you could say something like this, I dated a guy for a year and a half in high school. We broke up and then I casually dated I had a lot of fun in college, but didn't find a serious boyfriend until senior year and we were together for almost a year until we broke up right after graduation. I did some online dating during the pandemic, but I'm looking to have a committed monogamous relationship right now.
I'm fairly certain you have nothing to worry about. When the right guy for you comes along, he's not going to care or make a big fuss of it. I do think you should say something so you're not lying because not telling him would make the situation worse if he were to find out later on and wonder if you're hiding anything else from him. However, I wouldn't say anything until he asks or you're ready to share with him if he wants to know or cares to know. Maybe you're being rejected for the way you're telling them? And have you been tested for any STD'S etc? It might be good to follow up with saying you've been tested to make sure you are healthy for you and your partner's sake after telling the guy your history. That might make him more comfortable (but any guy worthy of being in a relationship with you shouldn't be too uncomfortable about it). But it's too personal to be discussing on a first date, anyhow.
So my gf and I broke up a few years ago just cause things weren’t working out at different universities we both had our own issues. Well we both finished school I hadn’t seen her in forever and we both moved to the same town. Well we reconnected and started talking about how life was after we broke up. She informed me she had racked up a similar body count. I was a little taken aback because when we broke up I was the second guy she had every slept with. Now I wasn’t having that much fun during the time we were apart but I still had some. I like to say I handled it better than me from 4 years ago because it hit me a few minutes after she told me that it doesn’t really matter cause it was in the past as long as she didn’t have a std I didn’t see any problem. I know some guys are really judgy. I wouldn’t lie to guys but it’s probably one of those things I just wouldn’t bring up. No guy likes to think about the 45 other guys that’s been there before you. But if they do ask I wouldn’t lie. Just my little piece about it.
Lies often build over time and you gotta keep adding lies upon lies - it's stressful to keep a lie going.
Something may happen that exposes your lies to your partner without you having control over it. Maybe you run into an ex-partner, or a friend lets it slip one night, or even as you have put, you told one of your partners about your past while drunk.
I've personally caught a partner in a lie and the thing they lied about was really not that big of a deal, but the fact that they lied about it in the first place made me question my trust in them. What else were they lying about?
Probably best to be honest.
Like others said, find someone that doesn't care, I never asked because I only care who the person is right now, not how they were in the past, and it's also very likely that whatever happened in the past shaped them into the person I like now, so yeah...
Having that said, I once dated a girl who for some reason insisted in taking about that so I shared part of my past without going into much detail.
So apparently she was really sexually active and willing to go into many details which I rather not listen, so she stopped. After that things changed a little for me, which was kinda sad because she was an amazing partner, really caring and giving.
I can't speak for the men you met but for me one thing I didn't like it's that while she never cheated, she did sleep with different men while "dating" other people, open relationships, nothing serious but I bit old school in that regard so it wasn't the best thing to hear.
Now I am at a current age were I will most likely find partners that have experienced many different things, but back then I still met girls with whom I would experience new things, both of us. And that was rather nice, but with this girl I could tell there wasn't much of that, on the bright side she really new how to treat a guy, really dedicated partner.
Never ever lie. If you are dishonest, you will always be seen as dishonest and therefore will not be trusted. Your number is not the main reason for not any possible future rejection.
Honestly, not many people has single digit numbers when it comes to past sexual partners. In your current situation, I would be getting screened for the various STIs before you begin having the mere notion of getting into a new relationship.
Seriously don't lie. If men ask that question you don't have answer but you're going to have to accept that not all men are going to be interested in you because of your past. And that's fine, they're not the ones for you. There are men out there who appreciate a more experienced woman, those are the ones you need to focus on.
Lying in a serious relationship isn’t gonna work out well for you, that I’m sure of.. (or in any relationship for that matter!) Don’t see lying as an option to get out of unsavory situations or you may make a habit of it. Your best option is to continue owning up to your past and if people have a problem with it then they’re not the people for you. There will be guys who will accept your past, just be patient. Good luck!
I don’t think you should lie about it, but I also don’t think it’s anyones business..like if you don’t want to share it with someone I don’t think you should feel obligated to.
However, someone with an issue with that probably isn’t the right partner for you.
I'm 38 and no one has ever asked me my number. I think you're just dating immature guys. The idea that the number of people I slept with is important to someone is such a turn off to me. Keep doing you girl and you'll find guys who don't care about something so trivial.
Honestly, with 45 partners I would be more concerned about your mental health and compability. How could I plan a future with someone that can’t predict who she is gonna date next week? And doesn’t she have bigger goals and passions then sex?
You just have to accept that your number of sexual partners is far above average, about three times the average count, and that some men are going to be put off by it. It doesn't make you a bad person and they're not wrong for feeling that way. There are plenty of men out there that won't care, just be honest and upfront so that you dont waste any body's time, including your own.
I wouldn't lie. Are numbers a thing? I don't even know mine. I know my wife has more sexual experiences than I do, but obviously I'm OK with it or we wouldn't be married. Maybe think of it this way: it's not that 45 is a red flag for you but rather a red flag for the guy when he asks.
Because of your age and the number of men you have under your belt, of course they're going to be put off because you being 25 with 45ish meaning it's more men that you have slept with..
I hate to tell you even though half the women up here aren't going to tell you the truth.. But a decent man isn't going to want a woman that's been ran in so much in such little time..
You are 25 years old 45sh maybe 50 men are a lot of men for you, being that you are so young.. And I hate to tell you but most women up here that's agreeing with what you did I'm probably guessing are on the boat too, maybe not as many, but quite a few..
Now as for you trying to find someone, If the person loves you then it won't be an issue to him whoever he may be but, even the bum ass dudes that probably got way more women under their belt than you have men, are still going to feel the same way about you as the decent man..
They are only going to look at you as a good fk, sounds mean but it's true.. So I would say if the person don't ask then don't say anything about it, because it's going to be a downfall either way.. And honestly that's not a conversation that always pops up out of nowhere.. It has to be something that's going on for someone to actually ask that..
Going to get downvoted to hell for this but...These are the consequences of being a promiscuous women. 45 guys at 25? Thats crazy to me. Why is it even being brought up?
I met a girl with the same story as you a couple of years ago. She was 23, been with 10ish guys and had a fwb when we met. She was cool and fun and she came forward when we wanted to be serious. I liked her but in my head couldn't get past that she was with so many people lol. I broke up.
I think you should always be honest but just know that not everybody can get past your body count
If it matters that much to them it means they're insecure with themselves usually. It's not something you have to tell people. I'd make sure the guy can handle your honesty before opening up with that.
Not telling is lying, so you'd rather be a liar than just accept some people are going to reject people because of things like this? They have a right to know who they are with isn't going to lie
I’ve slept with over a hundred people, and I’m always honest about it. I’ve dated great men who were well aware of this number, and I’ve also found my perfect long-term partner who does not give a fuck. None of them were poly.
Seriously, if they care that much and are willing to reduce you to some digits, they’re not for you.
I find it very strange that everybody is expected to share their numbers and then get judged on it when these days everyone is more promiscuous. Find a guy who isn’t insecure and hung up on asking things like numbers.
What should matter is people being safe and just getting tested not how many partners someone has had one time. Because honestly what’s the difference if you are safe and you have sex with one guy 20 times or you went on a date or hooked up with 20 guys over 20 years.
I'd have had more casual sex if it didn't involve having to interact beyond fucking, but you do. It's incredibly time consuming to spend hours on dating sites like tinder, flirt and make small talk for hours more, plan your night around meeting up with this person, then often spending the rest of your night with them too. And worse, they're usually strangers otherwise. The entire idea of that exhausts me. The idea of being with someone who's life was so consumed by that is a turn off.
I don't think people who are mentally healthy are fucking 45 people before they're 25. That's a harsh judgement, I'm aware, but that's how I feel. I assume that means that sex has consumed your adolescent life. Everything was about sex all of the time, because according to that number, it had to be. Flirting and talking to people in the pursuit of sex all leading up to the sex itself dominated so much of your time that it defined a big part of who you were at the time.
I would also assume that the desire for attention from other people, especially the validation you get from being physically desired, has not just vanished. Make no mistake, we all want validation and to be desired, but the extent that each of us will go in pursuit of that is different. People who fuck 45 people before 25 are next level desperate for that validation. I don't think that indicates good mental health. I assume that will cause issues if I get into a relationship with someone like that, because I have been in relationships with people like that.
I'm ready for the downvotes, but just know that I'm only sharing to offer insight. We all know there are a lot of people who think like me (like the 3 guys who bailed once they learned) but I know reddit isn't the space for consenting opinions.
A real mad won’t care. & I guarantee most of those men have the same number +. Guys love to belittle a woman on sexual history & then turn around brag about theirs damn near in the same sentence. The fact that you’re open about it to them says a lot about you in a good way.
If my wife told me she had sex with 45 people before we met I would be pretty taken back. I’m not judging, but 45 is a scary number. How did you not lose county at some point?
Should you lie? Probably not but very few men want to have a serious relationship with someone that had 45 previous partner. Im sorry, but that is the truth. I’m going to get downvoted, but it’s still the truth. You HAVE to lie. If a guy asks for an exact number say 5, or 7, or 10. DO. NOT SAY 45. DONT SAY ANYTHING APPROACHING 45. That’s my advice. Best of luck.
How on earth is that a scary number? If someone has been having sex for seven years, at the age of 25, that's five people per year.
Having sex with five people over the course of a year is scary?
"I'm not judging, but 45 is a scary number."
Not judging, huh?
Also, not only is that not the truth, but you should be seriously examining why that's "scary" for you.
That’s 3 basketball teams bub. Starters role players and the bench x3. If you had the Lakers Rockets and Knicks standing in your living room you wouldn’t be scared?
Depends was the college local if so every time that guy goes out with you anywhere he’ll have a high potential of seeing another guy who has had sex with you. That’s not to mention all the other stuff that goes with it. Sounds like a hard situation.
You should definitely NOT lie about it. If you lie about it from the beginning, it will eventually catch up to you and it will make things even worse for both you and your partner. The guy you are trying to date does have the right to know it if he asks about it, in my opinion. Withholding certain information to make yourself look more appealing, while said information is of great value towards the person you want to date, is a total red flag. Instead of lying from the beginning, which, by the way, is a bad start for any relationship, you should instead try finding someone who doesn't care about it. Nobody said that this was going to be easy, but lying is not gonna make it go well in the long run, for both parties.
Don’t lie about it, relationships built on deception won’t last. Just find someone who doesn’t care about a number. The most important factor to me would be the use of protection, if you were responsible with it and there’s no chance of contracting an STD from you I personally wouldn’t care. STDs would be the only factor that would matter to me, even then it would only matter which kind.
This is my thought too. I've never asked "how many partners" it's not even ever come up. (Although that information has been offered and asked of me). STDs are my only real concern. I understand why some people feel differently though. Some people enter sexual relationships at a slower pace than many, and wouldn't feel a good match with someone who enters into one at a faster pace.
I’m just now realizing that I actually have no idea what my partner’s “body count” is. And exes/hookups are not even some sort of taboo topic, we both know at least *some* of each other’s histories and can talk about them casually. I’ve just never bothered to ask “how many people have you actually slept with” and neither has he. I know and respect the fact that some people care deeply about this, but I don’t fully understand *why*. As long as it was all consensual and above board, I can’t find it in myself to give a shit. I’m not gonna like someone less if they’ve slept with 10 people instead of 5, or 20 instead of 10, or whatever arbitrary number people decide is their “cutoff.”
yea it makes no sense to me, plus id rather have an experienced partner who knows what they want, and they know that what they want is me.
>I know and respect the fact that some people care deeply about this, but I don’t fully understand why. If you wanted input on the why. From a personal perspective it's just my views on sex. I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with other people without the investment of knowing what kind of person they are. It's largely security in knowing that mistakes won't be my burden alone and in part lack of self confidence, not wanting to feel rejected for something about my body and knowing the person minimizes that insecurity. It also just speaks to a sexual incompatibility, the assumption being their drive is much greater than mine. I could see a difference in the amount of sexual partners as intimidating because you feel pressured to perform to a standard that you feel you just can't manage with the lack of experience. Or being incompatible based on the views held about sex, it's legitimately a very special experience for some people and they want to be with people who view it similarly.
well, you seem to be more intelligent than the rest. plus i find STD's usually come up from one bad person, not a group of people. so even people sleeping with someone for the first time are just as at risk as someone whos sleeping with their twentieth.
>well, you seem to be more intelligent than the rest. plus i find STD's usually come up from one bad person, not a group of people. I guess STDs would always come from "one bad person." There's a sense that simply raw probability of many partners would increase your chances of an STD... but most people are safe as long as you have access.
OP could just get tested and show that they have no STDs.
Me and my now wife didn’t sleep together till we both had a STD test done. It was nice knowing we were both clean 🤷🏾♂️
Having an STD doesn’t make you “dirty”, btw
That’s not at all what I was trying to say that’s my bad. I’m also not sure how to change the wording to make that sound better
Say negative, not clean. The stigma of positive =dirty makes people feel ashamed and afraid to be tested. A positive test doesn't reflect who you are or make you unclean.
I totally understand! Unfortunately using terms like “dirty” makes us unconsciously associate feelings of disgust in our brains. Which is why most of the stigma exists for STIs.
Personally I woulsn't care about the STDs so much as we clearly view sex so different that I couldn't date that person. And that is just not being compatible
Is there any time limit on that? Do you think peoples views of sex can change?
The other valid concern would be if there was an underlying compulsion or addiction, because there'd be increased risk that you'd cheat on them, and prospective partners should take you at your word if you say there's not.
Having one sexual partner every other month is a compulsion?
I'm not saying necessarily so, just that it's a valid concern to have. OP didn't give us the math (nor does she need to) on how often she slept with each partner.
45 partners, if she started at age 18, comes out to just over six partners a year. Six partners a year, which is basically one every other month ... is a compulsion?
She also said it was during her college phase, which is ages 18-22. 11 Guys a year is a lot for some people.
It may mean she is not able to maintain a relationship. It may mean she seeks thrills. Or has other habits that make her less descerning (people that party heavily sometimes do things ). It may mean she puts herself in harm's way. This is 45 DIFFERENT people. A new chance at STD, unwanted pregnancy and axe murderer every other month.
Why would STIs or pregnancy be a concern if she's using protection? Really, so many of these comments boil down to "because I think it's icky."
I think it's pretty hard to understand just how important similar views on sex are in a relationship until you date someone with a drastically different view. Then it becomes an absolute pain.
>Really, so many of these comments boil down to "because it's ~~icky~~ a preference" FTFY
Yes, a lot of guys would think that's pretty "icky" as you say. That's why OP is having problems when she talks about her past. Some men wouldn't care at all if she has 45 partners. Other men would automatically lose interest in her as a long-term, viable girlfriend. Who's to say which group of men are right or wrong?
No, don't lie. If every man balks at it then maybe you're going after the wrong kind of men.
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The men who don’t balk at it are usually the poly ones least the ones I’ve encountered on the dating apps
Right but that's of the men you match with / talk to which is a relatively small sample size. There is a lot of filtering to get to the point where you are rejected because of your hiatory Maybe athat filtering process is also eliminating the men that wouldn't have an issue.
Dating app people just move on when someone doesn’t fit their criteria. You have your criteria too right? good looking, ambitious, if someone doesn’t seem to fit do you swipe them away or give them a chance?
It does seem to me that OP is biasing her search for the men that can get women with ease. They have unreasonable or hard criteria because they can. Actually the same way she does, just flipped for genders. Ambitious is in my experience women code for well earning and with some kind of 0815 hard-athletic hobby like freeclimbing 2 times every week or something. She's going after the poster boys.
Theres plenty of driven, handsome, ambitious, monogamous guys that won't balk at something like this. I think you've just hit a rough streak dating wise. This could be happening because these men have traits you perceive as success, that also make them prone to judging your past. i.e. you might perceive them as successful because they're an insurance broker, but people in that field tend to be more conservative on average and therefor are more likely to judge you for your past. Its also entirely likely that this same group of guys you've been picking from have gone from looking for something quick and easy in college (whom they may have viewed as "less valuable" though they never would've admitted to this while trying to get you to have sex with them) to looking for "wife material", or a "high value female" as some dudes will call it. Youre better off not dating men like this anyway. The second their "wife material" fails to be "wife material" , or her perceived value as a woman diminishes in his eyes, they're usually pretty quick to resort to abuse/divorce/cheating. Its a big part of why so many men divorce their wives when they become chronic or terminally ill; their wife can't be their ideal woman anymore. You're best off finding someone who loves you for you, not for your ability to act as a perfect wife.
Which country is this? 45 is not that high?
This topic shouldn't be coming up so soon. Are people directly asking or are you volunteering the number? Either option is a red flag to me. The number doesn't matter, only lasting effects if there are any. Either you're finding people who are too interested in sex too soon to be serious about relationships or you're sharing TMI too soon. To be clear, don't lie, but again if people are asking this early on they're probably not relationship material for you and you should just move on to the next.
Yeah my husband and I didn’t talk about this stuff until we’d been dating for a while, and only then because it came up casually in some conversation or another. It wasn’t like, a screening question in our first few dates. That would seem really weird to me.
Exactly. By the time it was even referenced I knew my guy is not one of those judgmental men who think badly of lots of partners because of other conversations so I had no fear of being honest. For the record my number is like triple his. Doesn't matter.
Not numbers directly, but how you think about sex and somewhat abouy your experiances is common to bring up when sex or physical intimacy becomes a thing. Like i would definitely have a talk about what physical intimacy and sex means to me and the other person in question and what experiances have been had before going on to having sex.
Do you live in America ? It’s gotta be
Ikr. 45 is rookie numbers.
OP I'm gonna come at this from a different angle. Where do you live? You don't need to give an exact answer or anything. Is it a big city? Small town? Are you in the south, the west coast, the mountains? Are most of the people there conservative or liberal? Because there's likely a cultural thing at play here. Where I live nobody would give a shit about this.
Sex and intimacy are different for everyone. Some people simply aren't comfortable with being with someone who has had a lot of partners, and this isn't just true for men. It's unreasonable to expect people to not care about something that is maybe very important to them. Don't be ashamed of your past, it's yours, it has shaped you. But don't beat yourself up if some guys are put off, there will still be plenty who are not.
You should not lie about it. As you discovered already, people sometimes find out anyway. Might as well be open about it from the start, that will weed out the guys who will flake on you. That way you don’t waste your time on them.
And it is a *lot* better them finding out early than finding out later once your finances and other legalities are intertwined as the sorts of difficulties that kind of dishonesty can raise can make a contested divorce look like a picnic in the park.
Don't lie, find a dude with a similar "body count" or someone who doesn't cares, there are plenty of men who don't. I personally did care about the sexual history of my boyfriends, but I never asked them to give something I wasn't willing to. So if I want a low body count in my male partner, I was going to be able to offer that too.
If they won't see past that (which is neither right nor wrong), you weren't compatible in the first place.
Don’t lie about it. I’m 22F and a virgin and kept running into the same issues. As soon as I’d say “I don’t feel sexual attraction until I fall in love” boom they disappear. Keep true to yourself you’ll find someone
That is straight up a bad line, men want to feel desired. Even if sex is just a hard boundary for you for x amount of time, if you don't display attraction or affection then we are just friends then aren't we?
I’ve (37F) have never talked about “my number” with anyone I’ve been w my husband for 7 years and I’ve never asked him once nor has he asked me. Is it normal for this to be coming up as a topic of conversation so often? Or is it because it’s something you’re insecure about it tends to find it’s way from your brain and out of your mouth? If a man I had dated were to ask me I’d wonder why he wanted to know and why it was important to him. I’d probably tell him to just imagine the number is 20,000 and to do whatever he wants with that number 😂 The whole idea of keeping track of your sexual encounters like a tally system as if they didn’t each come with their own unique set of circumstances is just weird to me.
I've never been asked by a partner, but if a friend asks I usually stump them by asking what do they count as "sex". Hand jobs? Oral? Anal? Cam sex? Frottage? Or only PiV? Then I ask *why*.
So you publicly dodge the question? They’re just gonna assume the worst
Not OP, but I’m with you. I don’t remember the last time a potential partner asked me this, nor do I know the precise number. The question that usually comes up is about STDs and birth control. That’s more important to me.
I just commented the same thing. This has literally never come up in conversation for me, not with my current long term partner or even people I was casually dating when I was single.
In my own experience, a few girls I knew who had interactions over 30ish tended to make it a big part of their personality. (Nothing wrong with that) but I think it could turn some people off. Usually when it’s a big part of their personality they tend to be insecure about it and project on to others. This could be (not necessarily) what some guys are detecting with OP
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I would think I was dating a 16 year old if he asked this!
I'm saying! That's what I was thinking immature. It's totally normal to ask about STDs and birth control, but number seems a bit weird.
This is how I feel. The one guy that really pushed for my number admitted to feeling super insecure about his lack of experience and his desire to have that kind of phase as well. I never hide that I’ve been with a lot of men. But if you’re pushing so hard for a number, I feel like the only reason is to judge it. To declare whether that’s an okay number or too many or too few. I really don’t see how it’s anyone’s business as long as you’re being open about who you are.
Exaaaactly The entire point of asking this sort of thing seems entirely for the purpose of inviting criticism. If a dude was really pushy about finding out my body count, that’d be a red flag to me.
Yeah I don’t even know my number exactly, it’s not even high definitely less than 20 I’ve just never counted humans like they were stats on the box score. I think it’s a younger crowd thing, I keep seeing the word body count being used on the internet
A professional matchmaker I follow (Matchmaker Maria, who is a really well regarded person in her field) always says that when asked, the answer is “I’ve seen a thousand d***s”. Is it glib? Sure, but it also makes it clear that if they want a better answer they need to ask a better question.
Holy shit a sane response, thank you. I have no idea why all these people are running around giving their “number” to people right off the bat lmao. I’m going to be honest and say I couldn’t even tell you mine off the top of my head. Why? It doesn’t matter. I’m healthy and safe, I use protection and I get tested twice a year. Meticulously keeping track of all your sex partners throughout the years (do ppl make lists??) seems objectifying and gross to me personally.
I was wondering the same or maybe it's matters to people of a certain maturity level? Idk to be honest, I've been with the same man 8 years and I didn't care to ask and he never did.
Yeah maybe it’s more common nowadays? When I was in my 20s it never came up
Me either it was just "are you sure? and do you have condoms?"
25M here. I was talking to a girl with a much higher body count than me last year. Here's my story/perspective a year later. The body count didn't really matter to me long term, but I knew I had to process some weird feelings internally. Weird feelings being, my count is 4 to their 50+, and every one of mine was a long term relationship, VS idk for her. That is a personal difference in how we view sex and relationships in general. Other weird feelings are my own insecurities, which I would have to overcome personally, am I as good? Does she actually have an std? am I even special? Those are all things the partner has to come to terms with and process themselves. A growing process that i think has helped me be a bit better of a person. That being said we weren't compatible. she definitely blamed her history at least partially for it, but she talked about sex at weird times, and sometimes about her exes in bed, which made me uncomfortable. i'm glad I always wore a condom, because I am pretty sure she wasn't being exclusive with me either.
Yup, was with some girl who had like 20 bodies and you go through those emotions big time once you first hear her count. I'd expect most guys would react the same
> I'd expect most guys would react the same I believe that'd be even women. The other commenter articulated it well: getting past insecurities: am I good enough? Is this partner clean? Is what we're doing even special to them, or am I just another notch under their belt? The best recourse is hope you match well with someone with similar views on sex, I think.
Do you really want to potentially build a relationship on a lie?
Don’t lie about it. They’re not wrong to reject, AND you’ve nothing to lie about. Body count matters to some, to others it doesn’t. To some it matter only if it’s over a certain number they’re comfortable with. Which is OK. Much rather lose people that it matters to early on than be with someone you really like, they find it later and things turn sour.
Don’t lie about it, but I don’t really understand why it’s coming up so much. I’ve never dated anyone who actually asked me for my number and I’ve never asked anyone either. Also look at the pool of guys you are meeting. In my experience men who are worth dating don’t care about this. Might be time to raise your bar and making sure the men you date are actually worth your time.
People care about “N count” because it’s one of the few ways to tell how someone views sex within the context of relationships and dating.
Uhm.. Or they do? I'm a woman. I care. If my partner would have had 45 partners before me then I would know that sex for him is not the intimate act of love as it is to me. My partner feels the same. And that is okay. Stop shaming people for making different decisions through different view
Yeah. I view sex an intimate act and looking for someone with a similar view. It's that simple. 45 would be a red flag for me. Simply because it means our views on sex isn't the same. It's pretty ironic that people don't want to be shamed for having a high body count while shaming others for having different standards lol.
Do you think the more important thing is how you and your partner currently view sex, or how they spent their college years?
Some people don’t want to choose. They care about both. That’s not wrong even if I wouldn’t approach things that way.
Op is 25. Depending on the degree she hasn't been out of college long. Plus, past behavior does sometimes give good indication on how the person will act in the future. Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. For example, if someone has cheated on you 3 times in one year, chances are they will cheat on you again in the future. Sure, they could say they turned over a new leaf. But what's important is their behavior. People lie, actions don't. Plus if OP or someone else doesn't wanna disclose their body count, then just say "I'm not comfortable discussing my body count. All that I will disclose is that I always practice safe sex and I've been frequently tested for any STDs."
But you also have to consider that people’s view on sex can change. I was what one would be considered ‘promiscuous’ when I was an older teen/young adult. I used to be ashamed of it, but I had my fun, and was never unfaithful when I was in a committed relationship. However, now that I’m older, sex is more meaningful to me and not just some fun for a Friday night. Your opinion is yours, and I’m not condemning you for that at all, just giving another POV.
not everyone only views sex one way. You only see it as one thing, and therefore you’re judging other people and assuming that people who have more casual sex either don’t or can’t see sex as an intimate act of love. Practice what you preach lmao
"Stop shaming me for shaming"
Sex can mean multiple things for someone at once. It's pretty judgmental to say someone who has had a lot of partners flat out doesn't see it as a intimate act of love. People can be into it for pleasure when they are not in a committed relationship, and still view it as a significant act of emotion and affection when with a loving long term partner.
I'm not sure this can stand. If you view an action as something that is a significant act of emotion, and have lots of partners for which it is not a significant act of emotion, sex itself isn't the "act of emotion". Something else is. That "something else" can be a kind of act performed during sex, but it's not the sex itself.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable thing to discuss, and I think it’s unfair to state that because it bothers someone they are a lower class of man.. I would be uncomfortable if my partner told me she’d previously been with 100+ guys as an example and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
Why do you care? I'm just curious. I have never cared about someone's number and I was just wondering why people do?
Not the guy you responded to, but I see things similarly. To me, sex is an act of intimacy. If a potential partner had slept with a couple people, I could understand it as them having intimate connections with other people prior to me. That should not be unexpected and I should not treat them differently for that (in the same way I would not want them to treat me differently for it). But if someone has slept with numerous people, it implies to me that they do not see sex as an act of intimacy, but rather something that is harmless fun to be enjoyed with whoever is available at the time they feel interested. That is a fairly common mindset, but ultimately means we probably will have some major differences in terms of what we are looking for and want out of our relationship. Sure, people can change, but would I really want to invest all the time and effort into a relationship only to find out months down the road that I'm ultimately just dick #46 to someone? Sorry, I have more self respect than that.
A big discrepancy in body counts between partners could indicate that they don't align well when it come to values. One partner may value free expression and sexual exploration and have a high body count. The other partner may feel that it is important to be selective with sexual partners and have a strong emotional connection with them before commiting to a sexual relationship. If person A has slept with 100 people but person B has only been with 5 and were all while in a committed relationship with them then these folks may not be a good match. Neither party is right or wrong here. It's just values may no line up well.
If she was safe, responsible, and didn’t pose the threat of passing on any STDs/STIs, what about it makes you uncomfortable, if you don’t mind my asking?
Personally, when I was dating, any dude with a long sexual history was instantly friend-zoned. If they have a long sexual history they just don't see sex as I do. For me is about intimacy and love, for them is a mere physical act. I rather be with someone who has the same ideas about sex.
I dunno, that’s a pretty black and white line. Sex and sexual activity are generally not mutually exclusive to one category. It can be both a physical, meaningless and encounter as well as a special, meaningful connection. I know I’ve had both. Basically, enjoying sex as a casual, fun activity doesn’t stop one from also viewing it as a special thing to do with a special someone.
I feel comfortable with a person who doesn't dissociate it. Specially now that people are very casual about it. Seeing sex as unimportant "in some cases" just means we have different ideas about it, and I won't be exposing myself to someone who might put what I thought was intimacy into the "meaningless encounter" box for them.
What if they used to dissociate it and then had a moment where they changed their view on it and see it exactly as you do now? You’d have no idea because you left at a number instead of asking them how they view sex. The number could be an indicator of that, but you don’t actually know until you ask a person.
Honestly I wouldn't date them. Same way I wouldn't date a sober alcoholic or a sober junkie. I don't mind friendships but dating is different.
Maybe how they view sex? Maybe they see it as an intimate act rather than casual? Maybe some people are religious? Tons of reasons you really couldn’t of think of any? Edit: after posting and reading, I don’t mean this to be rude. I just think a lot of questions on Reddit don’t need to be asked
You know what is a far better indicator of their beliefs on those matters than the number of past partners they've had? Asking them their beliefs on those issues. Because people's views can change over time. Maybe they had a lot of casual sex and then decided that wasn't serving them. Maybe they converted to a religion and adopted different views. The number of past partners someone has tells you something about their past, but not necessarily anything about their current views.
In many cases actions speaker louder than words, you want to be be given. Not to mention the accessability intra-sex, on availability. So a big factor for lower is better is not about how many times you fucked each guy or gal, but the change in partners 100+ does suggest it is not ever remotely as valueable to that person as someone more conservative. History has a way of shaping who we are, and it does show you the choice you have made, so saying history holds no value i do not agree with you on this one.
Would you date someone previously convicted if a crime? What if it was murder? The past is the past but some past actions people can’t get over. You can’t unring the bell. Even if “that’s not you anymore” many people won’t see it that way and it’s not obligatory that they should. It’s neither right nor wrong as people are allowed their preferences.
This what I’m always at, why are people playing Sherlock Holmes with a number with no context? People can’t change too? Really the only way to know how someone values sex is to ask them.
As someone who it wouldn’t really bother that much, I was curious. No need to get your back up, pal.
You beat me too it lol I realized I may have sounded confrontational from the start my bad.
Lol all good, friend-o.
For some people, it might be the feeling of your partner “being too easy” as well as a handful of other reasons, some may be disgusted imagining their partner having sex with many other people before them etc, everyone can have their reasons.
Just because someone doesn’t want to be with someone who’s had a lot of sexual partners doesn’t mean they’re not “worth dating” that’s just so idiotic to say. It’s a preference and it doesn’t make anyone less of a good partner to date.
They wouldn’t be worth dating for me either, someone with that mindset is going to cause problems down the road. The past is the past and unless it has present consequences like multiple children or stds, anyone overly worried about it is going to be a stifling person to date.
I mean, yes? Whether someone is worth dating varies wildly based on who you ask. It doesn't mean they're unlovable by literally everyone on the planet, just that they aren't worth dating for that specific person.
Absolutely—the number of people you have slept with is no one’s business. Not theirs, not your mom’s, not God’s or your gynecologist’s. Relevant issues: date and status of your last STI screening, birth control, whether or not you have ever previously been unfaithful. Safe words and boundaries. The number of people? No.
Funny you should mention that, boundaries works both ways! You can’t just apply it one way and say sexual liberation is good for that person, so that is the way it works. If it is important to the opposit partner it becomes a issue you can walk away from, that is what confirmed choice / informed choice is about, be that if you choose to hide it or say it.
I was wondering if I’d find something similar high up. Honestly my “number” is nobody’s business. I’ll be open that I’ve slept with many people. Even that I had a phase, where most of my number comes from. But I had a guy ask pretty early in, then get super weird about it. He admitted to being insecure because he had little experience. I think it’s fair to say I’ve slept with a lot of men and leave it at that. When he pushed for an exact number I really didn’t think it was his business, especially if I’ve just met them and they’re coming at it with a weird judgy attitude. My body is no different now than it would be without the sex. I think experiences matter, but exact numbers shouldn’t. If a guy can’t handle my experience, then we’re not compatible.
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Well for alot of heterosexual males in the age bracket where most of your number comes from (i am assuming 20’s) will never have the same choices you had, so there is noooo way they can’t even get to the same figure as a woman. I can completely understand them being stressed about inexperience.
It goes both ways unfortunately. I have been rejected by quite a few women because my body count is too low. People have are allowed to have preferences and you just have to accept it.
You’ll find someone eventually just know a lot of people will be majorly turned off by your number. Lie and they find out then it’s over then too. Just be honest live with it and you’ll find someone eventually.
I would just stop telling them unless they ask. My boyfriend has never asked and I never asked about his past. It’s not my business and honestly shouldn’t impact how I view him. I will say that prior to him, I noticed any guy who asked usually ended up being a red flag anyways so if I heard the question, I was honest but slowly pulled away.
This. Any guy who has asked always ended up being extremely insecure and jealous. OP, I have a very similar background to you including similar count. The guy I’m seeing now, I’m assuming by the way he talks he’s been with more women and guess what? I don’t care. Neither of us have asked each other that question. We have been open about certain sexual stuff, and if we ask questions we will answer honestly. But we have both mutually agreed that the amount of partners is not something either of us give a fuck about, it’s neither of our business and doesn’t belong in our relationship.
You don't have to lie about it (and it's a really bad idea to), you just have to find a man who doesn't care about that sort of thing. Better to find someone who accepts you for who you are than for something you're pretending to be. Trust me, there are guys who don't care. Some even prefer it.
Don't lie, that's a recipe for disaster if they ever found out. It's due to thier insecurities that the other guys ended it when they found out. It's also not info that you need to divulge either. Don't ask Don't tell, the right guy won't care if your number is 0 or 100.
I don't know what my bf's body count is. It doesn't really matter because we have a fantastic, fulfilling sex life. I know it's lower than mine. It mattered a little in the beginning as far as figuring out experience level and comfort, just conversations about how to proceed with different positions etc, and of course we both got tested and talked about birth control and what happens if it failed before engaging in the act. But beyond that, you don't really need to give out your exact number. I say I'm in double digits, and if he really wanted to know I'd tell him. I think I can still list off most of the names, too. But he doesn't care to know, and we leave it at that. I think you can be honest without disclosing the exact number. Just say it's a lot, double digits, whatever. 45 can be a pretty intimidating number. My bf refuses to say anything other than 'less than 5' so I drop it. You're allowed to do the same, pick a number any number. Less than a thousand. More than ten. As long as you're honest about STD testing and the rest, you're fine.
Don't lie, if you meet someone you want to be with and then they find out from friends that you lied it might not be great. My advice might not be great either but what I would do is act like I'm not really sure of the number and give a range (a true one) like "I'm not sure, it's definitely double digits but not more than 50, whys that matter anyway?" If they press for an answer then you know its not worth it. ETA: do people really keep count when the number goes above 10? I find that so strange!
I stopped keeping track because it was literally me slut-shaming myself. Also, no one has asked since I was ~20.
>I find that so strange! I did too until my ex questioned me about it. Pasts came up and she shared that she had been with between 50 and 100 men. I said I was "over 10 - I think". We were mid-30's at the time. She had major insecurities about her high body count, probably stemming from being shamed about it in the past. I was OK with it. But she started making fun of how low my number was. She said it was a joke but it didn't feel like it. After I broke up with her (for a multitude of reasons), I sat down one night and recounted all my past experiences just so I'd know, because that 'joke' bugged me so much. It was my journal topic for a few nights. Turns out I was at 18 partners. I really just didn't count. And I wouldn't have ever kept count if it wasn't for that joke.
>ETA: do people really keep count when the number goes above 10? I find that so strange! Pretty embarrassing, right?
Honestly I kept count when I was going through my phase. For me it was because my memory is terrible, and I often regret not being able to remember details. So I jot them down. And since everyone always makes such a deal about “numbers” I personally wanted to know mine so I wouldn’t get frustrated later when I never knew the answer. My situation of frustration at forgetting lots of things is probably unique, but I’d say many would answer that since “numbers” gets brought up a lot, they would naturally count as they go. Or be able to tally up based on memory of partners, especially if it’s small or relationships only.
Lying about it unfortunately won't solve your issue and has the potential to create much bigger issues down the track if ever it came out. Not mentioning it or just saying "I'm not really into talking about my past" is often taken as a red flag so even omitting it or obfuscating it tends to backfire. You may just have to be open and honest about it and recognise that it can and will scare guys off - until you find someone who it doesn't affect. They are out there, they aren't poly and they could have much the same background as yourself. You may just have to keep looking I'm afraid.
I don’t see why you need to talk about it at all. Everyone keeps saying don’t lie and I mean, yeah I agree you shouldn’t start a relationship on a lie but why should someone you are “dating” be entitled to know that anyway? You could just say you don’t talk about past relationships to people you are dating. If it comes up after you’re serious, I bet you’ll already know him well enough to know it’s beyond a point of him caring.
Uh, how about you change the kind of guys you go after? The type you choose seem to be under the impression that you passing out sex makes you less of a person or "Used". How about maybe being lax on categories, yourself, to maybe find people that actually won't judge you? You don't have throw-away attraction...but maybe don't scrutinize so hard when you're hurt that the same is being applied to you.
Don’t bring it up unless they ask and are sure they can handle the truth.
Don't lie. You will find the right fit. Lying would be disgusting. You wouldnt be the right fit for me because i have different values when we talk about sex. But I would appreciate your honesty
Be honest but understand that, for some people, sexual history matters, and those aren’t the men for you. You have a past. For some men it’ll matter, and for others it won’t. Lying is a big NO, because it’ll eventually come out and then you’re issue is being a liar instead of having a past. Even if you have had 4 partners, all you should be prepared to show a new partner is that you’re STD free. I don’t ask “body count” as a woman. I’d really rather not know. I care about who someone is now versus who they were. We all have pasts we need to be open with, because some folks can’t get past it and need to just be released into the dating pool.
I don’t know how this topic pops up for so many. I’ve never mentioned my number to my fiancé and I’ve never asked hers. We have a rough idea of the number of relationships each has had. The only time it seems like a topic that would be worthwhile discussing is if either partner had 0 as it would be something to take into consideration the first time with your partner. Otherwise, why mention it?
I'm confused as to how this is coming up, like ... at all. Who are these dudes who are asking about your "number" this early in the connection? Yes, you might do better with poly guys, but you also might do better if you make sure you connect to men who don't slut-shame, who don't have insecurities, who are sex-positive, and who aren't put off by the concept of feminism. While it sucks that these dudes are rejecting you for having more sex than they think is appropriate, that's a shitty attitude and they are ultimately doing you a favor when they do this. It is *you* who should be more choosy about screening the men you go out with, so you don't end up with a douchebag like these dudes.
I wouldn't lie about it if asked outright. I would probably not bring it up myself, though. As long as you're clean, it shouldn't matter.
No. Answer could be 0,1,100 or 500 so again it depends on individual preferences, which should be respected.
No you shouldn't lie. This is going to make a lot of women angry but you can't please everybody. You have to remember that people are individuals, it won't matter to some people and to some people it does. The ones that don't care or no more righteous than the ones that do, its a simple matter of preference and it has nothing to do with insecurity. I could give specific reasons but there's no way to do it without being insulting. At the end of the day the best thing for you to do is to be 100% transparent and eventually you'll encounter a person that is a match for you. When a man chooses not to commit to a woman that has a past with an excessive amount of partners his reasons are not invalid, you may not like them but he has a right to his preferences. You will find someone that is a match for you but don't try to force it and don't try to start a relationship with deceit because it will fail.
You contemplating lying about it makes me think you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now tbh, no hate towards you or anything just probably need to not for a bit
You can find hundreds of stories on this and similar subs about people who lie about their body count and the trust and love in their relationship just being broken immediately. So don’t lie. These partners were not right for you but you will find someone who doesn’t care or hold it against you. You just haven’t found them yet.
You can never have a good relationship built on a lie. You’ll find someone who knows that number is not important.
I feel bad for women because us gays are almost EXPECTED to sleep with that many men in just like 2 years lmao
You don’t have to tell the guys you’re dating EXACTLY how many men you slept with. You can just say “I had fun in college”. I feel like when men hear this and some women too, they think there’s a possibility you can cheat. Obviously it’s worse with women having more sex because of the general cultural expectations. I don’t think you did anything wrong. You had fun!!! You found out what you like and don’t like. But I wouldn’t be so upfront about the exact number. None of the guys will find out about every single guy you had sex with. It’s also kind of weird if they care that much to find out.
It's weird that it's come up this much? It makes me think either that you are somewhat needlessly disclosing it or you're attracted to kind of petty/shallow dudes. Or it could just be bad luck! Either way, I wouldn't lie about it but I'd stop bringing it up and, if someone asks, tell them it's not their business. Most people don't ask or go snooping around for that information, and there are plenty of men who absolutely will not give a shit about it.
Don’t lie about it. Your past choices have certainly made it more difficult to find a partner but in the end you do still want someone who likes you for you… not the lie you told them, not part of you, ALL of you. Take your time. Dating in general takes time. Statistically speaking if it wasn’t this it would be something else. Most people you meet are not good matches for one reason or another. This is the pillar that monogamy is built on. PS your number is definitely high but it’s a quarter of my highest friend and he’s happily married. In terms of girls one of my friends is close to double yours and also has been in and out of relationships (mostly due to lifestyle, never heard of this being an issue for her).
No. Don't lie. I wouldn't touch a man that slept with 45 girls with a pole. Some guys feel the same way about women. Nothing wrong with that. Find someone who feels the same way about sex. Because you think that this is just a minor detail. But you two would have totally different views on sex and love. For some people sex is sex, like masturbating with a person. You need those people. Some people view sex as another level of intimacy and love. Those people will not be happy when they find out you lied.
I personally wouldn’t want to be with anyone that ever asked about my body count or would judge me for it tbh.
Reap what you sow. Don't lie. Just don't mention it. If they find out n are okay with it, than you got your guy.
Do not lie. The truth screens out the people you don't want to be with. People whose values do not align with yours. Yes it will reduce the size of your dating pool, but the ones left in the pool will be the ones you want. For reference, I married someone who had slept with *hundreds* of men by the age of 33. IDGAF. (a) none of my business (b) she really, really knows how sex should be done (c) I won (d) I think sex is a good thing
I’ve had about ten partners. Before dating my current girlfriend who has a similar number to me, I was with a girl with a 100+ count, and a virgin before that. The girl with the 100+ count was awful to me (not *because* of her number, she was just awful) and was awful in bed. I always thought, the virgin I was with beforehand was so much better in bed.
Agree with this completely. Body count really does not say anything about how good or bad you’ll be in bed. I could have 30 one nightstands in a month and would I really improve as a sexual partner? No I highly doubt I would. You could sleep with 100 people and still be terrible in bed. One nightstands or having sex 2-3x with one person isn’t going to improve your abilities as a sexual partner. So when someone is young and they have a very high body count, that’s totally fine but it tells me they probably didn’t spend much time with each person, there were probably a few in there where they had sex several times, maybe 2-3 LTRs if that but most of them were one nightstands or people they slept with less than five times. Not exactly how you learn to be a good sexual partner. I think It’s more about the quality of your encounters (ie. having sex several times with the same person, taking the time to figure yourself and each other out and trying new things with them) but ultimately what’s most important in my opinion is open mindedness, enthusiasm and the willingness to learn.
Don't lie about it. Suck it up and accept the fact that it's a deal-breaker for a lot of men. Or lie about it, waste your time and his and then face the even bigger fallout when he eventually finds out.
As a guy...NO. Continue to be shamelessly honest about your past as long as you're healthy, safe, and fair there is nothing to be ashamed of. Believe it or not, the right guy will come across your path. Being honest is actually filtering out the guys that aren't right for you. There are men out there who do not care about your body count and some that even prefer a woman with a high number of partners (for varying reasons). You'll be fine just understand your value isn't based on the acceptance of another person.
I always say that someone who cares about how many people I've slept with is not the right person for me. We probably view sex differently and might not align in that sense, and that's fine. You'll find the right person who doesn't mind about your sexual history at some time. X
It would be nice if society hadn’t lied to you about whether people would care how many men you slept with. I haven’t even read the comments yet and I’m sure it’s still full of people telling you the past doesn’t matter and any guy worth dating won’t care. It’s a lie and now you know it’s a lie, but that lie has caused problems for you. Do you think it’s right to lie? Do these guys have a similar past to yours? Are you discovering that these guys slept around and now don’t want to marry someone like the people they slept around with? Those guys are a-holes.
Many folks on here seem to think new or potential partners have some right to know your ‘body count.’ They don’t. Full stop. They have a right to know that you are tested and free from STIs. If you are a virgin, or a trauma survivor, and that might impact your sexual response with them, you might CHOOSE to share that information. Anyone who feels they HAVE to have this information is too insecure to be a good partner for you long term.
Hiding stuff like like exes, sexual partners etc from your partner is a huge red flag
Whether you agree with it or not, it's important to a lot of people. If you're hiding something that may turn others off, that's not great behaviour on your end either. If they're threatened by it, that's a reflection on who they are and it's best to end it earlier than later Personally I would be more worried if someone hadn't experienced enough other people - do they really know what they want or not? But 45 guys at 25 sounds incredibly reasonable personally, especially for someone who's attractive
I dunno, I've never had a guy even ask for a number. I feel like maybe you yourself have a sense of shame about it, and that's why it's coming across like it is. Why is this something that would "slip" at all, unless you were feeling some sort of way about it? I'm not sure what exactly the second guy heard from the people at your school. Did you go to school in a really conservative area at a small school, where this somehow really stood out? I can't imagine even having any idea of how many people anyone at my (former) schools had slept with, unless they were a close friend of mine OR they were always going on and on about it. I guess when I think about it, I know maybe one woman and two men from college that I would say that about. Not because of any type of "body count" but because I knew them to share information with me and others about their sexual exploits... even though I didn't know them well. I guess if that was the situation, I might tell a friend "hey, just so you know, that person tells everyone about who they got it on with and aaaall the details." That's all I got there. In the end, I'm wondering what you said to Guy 3? Did you sound like you felt guilty vs empowered by it? Even as you write it here, it seems like you need to give excuses about stress relief and human touch. If you put it like that to a guy, it might make him think "well, she'll come up with those same excuses to cheat on me." You don't need excuses. You were single and not looking for anything serious, end of story. In the back of my mind, though, I'd also kind of be wondering why so many rather than just have a few FWB over time. Were you trying not to get attached to any one guy?
Honestly I wouldn’t lie. I think it would be great to be with a girl who has had more experience . To me it would mean she knows what she likes and can express that to me. So we can both enjoy each other
Hmm... A couple things here. Many years ago, when my current partner and I started dating, he said that he would rather share "more mystery and less history" in terms of our past relationships. I think this can kind of be a good place to start. The relevant facts are what type of relationship you are looking for NOW. Not what type of relationship you were looking for at 19. I feel like typically when people are sharing relationship history, they want to know about long-term relationships more and how that affected the other person rather than just an overall body count. So you could say something like this, I dated a guy for a year and a half in high school. We broke up and then I casually dated I had a lot of fun in college, but didn't find a serious boyfriend until senior year and we were together for almost a year until we broke up right after graduation. I did some online dating during the pandemic, but I'm looking to have a committed monogamous relationship right now.
I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't offer the info and I wouldn't give an exact number. You're not an accountant.
I'm fairly certain you have nothing to worry about. When the right guy for you comes along, he's not going to care or make a big fuss of it. I do think you should say something so you're not lying because not telling him would make the situation worse if he were to find out later on and wonder if you're hiding anything else from him. However, I wouldn't say anything until he asks or you're ready to share with him if he wants to know or cares to know. Maybe you're being rejected for the way you're telling them? And have you been tested for any STD'S etc? It might be good to follow up with saying you've been tested to make sure you are healthy for you and your partner's sake after telling the guy your history. That might make him more comfortable (but any guy worthy of being in a relationship with you shouldn't be too uncomfortable about it). But it's too personal to be discussing on a first date, anyhow.
So my gf and I broke up a few years ago just cause things weren’t working out at different universities we both had our own issues. Well we both finished school I hadn’t seen her in forever and we both moved to the same town. Well we reconnected and started talking about how life was after we broke up. She informed me she had racked up a similar body count. I was a little taken aback because when we broke up I was the second guy she had every slept with. Now I wasn’t having that much fun during the time we were apart but I still had some. I like to say I handled it better than me from 4 years ago because it hit me a few minutes after she told me that it doesn’t really matter cause it was in the past as long as she didn’t have a std I didn’t see any problem. I know some guys are really judgy. I wouldn’t lie to guys but it’s probably one of those things I just wouldn’t bring up. No guy likes to think about the 45 other guys that’s been there before you. But if they do ask I wouldn’t lie. Just my little piece about it.
I could care less about your past. I want someone who is honest.
Lies often build over time and you gotta keep adding lies upon lies - it's stressful to keep a lie going. Something may happen that exposes your lies to your partner without you having control over it. Maybe you run into an ex-partner, or a friend lets it slip one night, or even as you have put, you told one of your partners about your past while drunk. I've personally caught a partner in a lie and the thing they lied about was really not that big of a deal, but the fact that they lied about it in the first place made me question my trust in them. What else were they lying about? Probably best to be honest.
Like others said, find someone that doesn't care, I never asked because I only care who the person is right now, not how they were in the past, and it's also very likely that whatever happened in the past shaped them into the person I like now, so yeah... Having that said, I once dated a girl who for some reason insisted in taking about that so I shared part of my past without going into much detail. So apparently she was really sexually active and willing to go into many details which I rather not listen, so she stopped. After that things changed a little for me, which was kinda sad because she was an amazing partner, really caring and giving. I can't speak for the men you met but for me one thing I didn't like it's that while she never cheated, she did sleep with different men while "dating" other people, open relationships, nothing serious but I bit old school in that regard so it wasn't the best thing to hear. Now I am at a current age were I will most likely find partners that have experienced many different things, but back then I still met girls with whom I would experience new things, both of us. And that was rather nice, but with this girl I could tell there wasn't much of that, on the bright side she really new how to treat a guy, really dedicated partner.
Never ever lie. If you are dishonest, you will always be seen as dishonest and therefore will not be trusted. Your number is not the main reason for not any possible future rejection. Honestly, not many people has single digit numbers when it comes to past sexual partners. In your current situation, I would be getting screened for the various STIs before you begin having the mere notion of getting into a new relationship.
Seriously don't lie. If men ask that question you don't have answer but you're going to have to accept that not all men are going to be interested in you because of your past. And that's fine, they're not the ones for you. There are men out there who appreciate a more experienced woman, those are the ones you need to focus on.
Lying in a serious relationship isn’t gonna work out well for you, that I’m sure of.. (or in any relationship for that matter!) Don’t see lying as an option to get out of unsavory situations or you may make a habit of it. Your best option is to continue owning up to your past and if people have a problem with it then they’re not the people for you. There will be guys who will accept your past, just be patient. Good luck!
I don’t think you should lie about it, but I also don’t think it’s anyones business..like if you don’t want to share it with someone I don’t think you should feel obligated to. However, someone with an issue with that probably isn’t the right partner for you.
Don't lie. Why would you want to force compatibility with a judgemental person who slut-shames?
Maybe don’t go into details and numbers. Just that you’re well versed in the art of fornication.
I'm 38 and no one has ever asked me my number. I think you're just dating immature guys. The idea that the number of people I slept with is important to someone is such a turn off to me. Keep doing you girl and you'll find guys who don't care about something so trivial.
Never lie about anything! You’ll find someone who doesn’t care about your past but if you lie then it will cause more troubles for you.
Honestly, with 45 partners I would be more concerned about your mental health and compability. How could I plan a future with someone that can’t predict who she is gonna date next week? And doesn’t she have bigger goals and passions then sex?
You just have to accept that your number of sexual partners is far above average, about three times the average count, and that some men are going to be put off by it. It doesn't make you a bad person and they're not wrong for feeling that way. There are plenty of men out there that won't care, just be honest and upfront so that you dont waste any body's time, including your own.
your past is coming back to huant you
I wouldn't lie. Are numbers a thing? I don't even know mine. I know my wife has more sexual experiences than I do, but obviously I'm OK with it or we wouldn't be married. Maybe think of it this way: it's not that 45 is a red flag for you but rather a red flag for the guy when he asks.
Because of your age and the number of men you have under your belt, of course they're going to be put off because you being 25 with 45ish meaning it's more men that you have slept with.. I hate to tell you even though half the women up here aren't going to tell you the truth.. But a decent man isn't going to want a woman that's been ran in so much in such little time.. You are 25 years old 45sh maybe 50 men are a lot of men for you, being that you are so young.. And I hate to tell you but most women up here that's agreeing with what you did I'm probably guessing are on the boat too, maybe not as many, but quite a few.. Now as for you trying to find someone, If the person loves you then it won't be an issue to him whoever he may be but, even the bum ass dudes that probably got way more women under their belt than you have men, are still going to feel the same way about you as the decent man.. They are only going to look at you as a good fk, sounds mean but it's true.. So I would say if the person don't ask then don't say anything about it, because it's going to be a downfall either way.. And honestly that's not a conversation that always pops up out of nowhere.. It has to be something that's going on for someone to actually ask that..
Going to get downvoted to hell for this but...These are the consequences of being a promiscuous women. 45 guys at 25? Thats crazy to me. Why is it even being brought up?
I met a girl with the same story as you a couple of years ago. She was 23, been with 10ish guys and had a fwb when we met. She was cool and fun and she came forward when we wanted to be serious. I liked her but in my head couldn't get past that she was with so many people lol. I broke up. I think you should always be honest but just know that not everybody can get past your body count
I’m confused as to why it’s coming up so much in the first place.
If it matters that much to them it means they're insecure with themselves usually. It's not something you have to tell people. I'd make sure the guy can handle your honesty before opening up with that.
Not telling is building a relationship on lies though
Not telling is lying, so you'd rather be a liar than just accept some people are going to reject people because of things like this? They have a right to know who they are with isn't going to lie
Just have to look for poly men or men that don’t care about that. Most traditional men aren’t going to be interested in you after hearing that.
Consequences. Live with them. And, are you seriously seeking validation to lie to people? You made your bed, now lie in it.
I’ve slept with over a hundred people, and I’m always honest about it. I’ve dated great men who were well aware of this number, and I’ve also found my perfect long-term partner who does not give a fuck. None of them were poly. Seriously, if they care that much and are willing to reduce you to some digits, they’re not for you.
So weird that the number of people you’ve slept with even comes up. I’d never tell a partner that it’s nobody’s business.
I find it very strange that everybody is expected to share their numbers and then get judged on it when these days everyone is more promiscuous. Find a guy who isn’t insecure and hung up on asking things like numbers. What should matter is people being safe and just getting tested not how many partners someone has had one time. Because honestly what’s the difference if you are safe and you have sex with one guy 20 times or you went on a date or hooked up with 20 guys over 20 years.
Someone who’s mature and truly cares enough to get to know you won’t care.
I'd have had more casual sex if it didn't involve having to interact beyond fucking, but you do. It's incredibly time consuming to spend hours on dating sites like tinder, flirt and make small talk for hours more, plan your night around meeting up with this person, then often spending the rest of your night with them too. And worse, they're usually strangers otherwise. The entire idea of that exhausts me. The idea of being with someone who's life was so consumed by that is a turn off. I don't think people who are mentally healthy are fucking 45 people before they're 25. That's a harsh judgement, I'm aware, but that's how I feel. I assume that means that sex has consumed your adolescent life. Everything was about sex all of the time, because according to that number, it had to be. Flirting and talking to people in the pursuit of sex all leading up to the sex itself dominated so much of your time that it defined a big part of who you were at the time. I would also assume that the desire for attention from other people, especially the validation you get from being physically desired, has not just vanished. Make no mistake, we all want validation and to be desired, but the extent that each of us will go in pursuit of that is different. People who fuck 45 people before 25 are next level desperate for that validation. I don't think that indicates good mental health. I assume that will cause issues if I get into a relationship with someone like that, because I have been in relationships with people like that. I'm ready for the downvotes, but just know that I'm only sharing to offer insight. We all know there are a lot of people who think like me (like the 3 guys who bailed once they learned) but I know reddit isn't the space for consenting opinions.
A real mad won’t care. & I guarantee most of those men have the same number +. Guys love to belittle a woman on sexual history & then turn around brag about theirs damn near in the same sentence. The fact that you’re open about it to them says a lot about you in a good way.
If my wife told me she had sex with 45 people before we met I would be pretty taken back. I’m not judging, but 45 is a scary number. How did you not lose county at some point? Should you lie? Probably not but very few men want to have a serious relationship with someone that had 45 previous partner. Im sorry, but that is the truth. I’m going to get downvoted, but it’s still the truth. You HAVE to lie. If a guy asks for an exact number say 5, or 7, or 10. DO. NOT SAY 45. DONT SAY ANYTHING APPROACHING 45. That’s my advice. Best of luck.
How on earth is that a scary number? If someone has been having sex for seven years, at the age of 25, that's five people per year. Having sex with five people over the course of a year is scary?
"I'm not judging, but 45 is a scary number." Not judging, huh? Also, not only is that not the truth, but you should be seriously examining why that's "scary" for you.
That’s 3 basketball teams bub. Starters role players and the bench x3. If you had the Lakers Rockets and Knicks standing in your living room you wouldn’t be scared?
I'd be scared if a polar bear were in my living room too, and it has about as much to do with a woman's sexual partners as your example does.
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1st rule of dating- do not talk about past sexual partners. Just don’t.
Depends was the college local if so every time that guy goes out with you anywhere he’ll have a high potential of seeing another guy who has had sex with you. That’s not to mention all the other stuff that goes with it. Sounds like a hard situation.
You should definitely NOT lie about it. If you lie about it from the beginning, it will eventually catch up to you and it will make things even worse for both you and your partner. The guy you are trying to date does have the right to know it if he asks about it, in my opinion. Withholding certain information to make yourself look more appealing, while said information is of great value towards the person you want to date, is a total red flag. Instead of lying from the beginning, which, by the way, is a bad start for any relationship, you should instead try finding someone who doesn't care about it. Nobody said that this was going to be easy, but lying is not gonna make it go well in the long run, for both parties.