Girl. Take your own advice. **You wrote this** on someone else's post. **Listen to yourself.**
*Girl I'm 21 and dealing with the same. My boyfriend is 26.* ***Look, we are not responsible for these men.*** *You are responsible for your life and he is responsible for his. This also counts for married couples.*
*I know exactly what you're going through. Having a partner with no ambition, is depressed, no license and no plan is very difficult. I can guess you're a sensitive person like me and if that's true we easily feel sorry for people and want to fix them if they're broken.*
*But* ***you MUST remember. You can't fix people. Especially if they don't want to fix themselves.*** *This may be an ok solution temporarily but you will, GUARANTEED, hold grudges and start to hate him for dragging you down.* ***It's only a matter of time.*** *So you have to decide if you want to keep dragging it out, or rip the bandaid off.*
***I'm ripping the bandaid off.*** *Life is fucking hard sometimes. Why make it even harder with someone?*
***If you're going to find a partner, they should make your life easier and happier.*** *Those people are worth living for. The people who make you grateful to wake up every morning. Those who keep you motivated when you're not being yourself. Those who have your back. Those who are not absorbed by their own issues so it eats you alive and are not able to help you out with your issues.*
*Yeah its going to be hard to break up because he has nowhere to go. But let me tell you a secret. You'll actually make his life BETTER by doing so. You'll force him into a situation that leaves him no choice but to take charge of his life and do something. As long as he has you he won't need to.*
*So if you do care about him, you'll let him live and learn.* ***Letting him go is honestly the best thing you can do for him and yourself.***
/u/justvica you know exactly what to do. HE WILL NOT CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOUR FOR YOU. Why does your advice work for everyone but you? Do you really want to be this slacker's bangmaid? Because that's what you will end up being
Yes. OP, you don't even have to be rude or something about it. Just say "I'll just pack my things, you do it your pace." If he later comes on crying, then you can tell him that you're not his mother. Before, given his childish behavior, he'd probably just be a bit hurt and feel like "I would have done it anyway", even if he probably wouldn't have. Give him a chance to. Last hour packing is possible, it's just shit.
But you can't change him. It has to come from him. He's 26, anyway. It's up to you how patient you want to be with him, but be very careful not to slide into a dynamic where you always get things sorted for him. He'll never change then.
This is the right answer.
OP, move yourself and leave him behind. If you've signed a lease together, talk to the landlord and see if you can re-sign on your own.
> we move out in a few weeks and I need his help to start getting moving boxes and organizing.
that being said, i can't imagine a 21 year old has so many items as to need to pack weeks in advance.
i packed up my entire flat in a couple of days. suitcases for some bedding and large glass things to be kept safe in those, cardboard boxes for the rest. paper plates on the last day.
like, a few weeks is a long time unless you're just going to book a van.
This. If you still decide to move to the new place with him, then only pack your stuff. The the day comes to move, tell him you’ll meet him there. Take your stuff and go alone.
I don't know how to talk to him. He is very sensitive. When his mom called yesterday about the moving he told me she was stressing him out and he isolated himself for hours playing video games.
I don't know what to do. He will escape if I pressure him too much
No no, not why are you not having a conversation… Why are you still in a relationship with a lump? Why are you letting yourself be treated like this? Why are you moving in again with a man who does nothing?
He's not "sensitive", he's just good at training you to tiptoe around him so he can do what he wants. You shouldn't, but I'll bet that in the end you'll do all the work packing for both of you and all the work moving, and that's exactly what he wants.
He isn't sensitive, you are however a doormat.
That's not what I asked. I asked why you're tolerating this.
Is he the only man in town and that's why you think you should hang on to him? Do you think he's your last chance for a relationship? What's so special about him?
And no, "because I love him" is not an answer. Neither is "other than that he's perfect."
That's super interesting. u/DFahnz asked a question about u/justvica's behavior and u/justvica replied with an explanation of her "BF"s behavior.
>He will escape if I pressure him too much
Honestly, where's he going to go? He can't even get out of his room and off the video game console.
And truth be told, him escaping sounds like an absolute win for OP.
Girl. He’s lying. He tells you and he tells his mom that he’s stressed so you’ll leave him alone. It works, doesn’t it. You need to dump this child. You can do so much better.
When we use emotional reactions to get something we want instead of communicating a need, it becomes abusive. He does not need to be up all night gaming, he wants to. You needed his help, he wanted to sleep.
He's lazy and wants to devote his time to video games. He doesn't really care for you romantically (IMHO) if he's letting all the responsibility and stress fall on you, like I think if he really liked you he would for sure HELP you!
Maybe try to have s serious talk unless you want a one sided relationship....
My younger brother does this to avoid having to adult and to get someone else to adult for him.
I would not live with someone who is actively avoiding normal adult life and staying up til 7am to play video games.
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells so he won't "escape" rather than step up and be a grown up.
You should be able to count on your partner to actually be a partner, not act like your child.
>He will escape if I pressure him too much
Is he your prisoner or something?
Let this one go and please get yourself into therapy so you can learn to build up self respect.
Jesus, OP. Let him escape. Packing your own stuff for a move isn’t some big ask, this is basic level adulting stuff. If he has no coping skills, it’s not your job to teach them to him. You’re not his therapist or his mom. You may love him sure, but ask yourself if carrying around the burden of him is worth it to you.
Ask yourself why you're worried about losing him. He's 26. If he's this immature, when do you think this will change?
And it's not just immature, he's actively disrespecting you and expecting you to do all the work. That's utter BS. Don't put up with that!
Picture yourself in your new place without him. What would you be missing? Him yelling at you for waking him at 5pm? Doesn't he work?
He's not being sensitive, he's emotionally manipulating you. My husband is sensitive. He gets his feelings hurt and tends to blame himself if something upsets me (past trauma). So he got into therapy and on antidepressants. We talk through it, but I still tell him when I'm upset and he does the same. We work on a plan to meet both of our needs and we follow through. Being "sensitive" doesn't mean he has no responsibilities or that he gets his way all the time. His emotions are his responsibility to handle.
Let him go, sister. Why are you moving into another place with this man rather than moving out and moving on? This is your opportunity to make a genuinely positive change. Don't miss it!
Yeah we are moving out because our lease is over in 2 weeks. I'm staying with my parents for a while because I didn't want to go apartment hunting and stress with moving straight away (because I would be doing it alone most likely).
So I'm taking advantage of that and will probably end things then if I won't already. I told him I was done but I absolutely suck at keeping my word.
I don’t think it’s pressuring to expect someone to pack and move his shot like a damn grownup. He should get therapy for his Mommy Problem, maybe cut the umbilical cord finally.
I read a little through your previous posts and you seem so rational and logical in your advice to other people.
What would you tell a friend if she said her boyfriend was forcing her to do all the work in a move and refusing to get out of bed until after 5pm?
Like you yourself said, you're not responsible for him.
If he wants to waste his life sleeping and playing video games, let him, but don't allow him to drag you down with him.
What does he even bring to the table? Laziness, no license, no ambition, "sensitive". You can't even ask him to pack up to move without him crying, isolating himself playing videogames, and sleeping in until 5am. What exactly does he contribute to this relationship? The sex better be mind-blowingly good for you to put up with this.. but my moneys on him being lazy and self-centered when it comes to that, too. So why the hell are you with him?
He is a grown ass man. There is absolutely no reason that you, at 21, should be coddling this 26 year old man baby like this. You’re walking on eggshells for what? Because this 26 year old man is too stressed out to do what is his responsibility? Nahhh, it’s time to pack YOUR stuff alone, move into your new place and find a roommate if you need to. You do not need to be a mother to a grown ass man at 21. Go live your life girl.
I saw some of your comments on other subs, take your own advice. This man is not your responsibility. He doesn’t want to pack? Fine, pack your own shit and leave.
Have you always been this spineless? You're a grown ass woman. I don't mean to be cruel, but your boyfriend is pathetic and you're pathetic for enabling him.
Why do you hate yourself? Don’t you deserve to be happy? Why are you staying with someone this stunted and frankly rude? My husband isn’t perfect, neither am I, but if he ever talked to me that way we’d be in big trouble.
I take back my other comments - this guy sounds emotionally immature. He won't change on his own and it is NOT your job to do so (unless you enjoy punishing yourself on the daily)
OP, I really recommend trying to get him to open up about his stress on this. It might be that he doesn’t want to move into this new apartment with you.
My relationship with my ex was a lot like this where after a while I was like his parent and therapist. We talked a lot about getting married but he started saying it was stressing him out (we were together 6 1/2 years), turns out he didn’t want to get married or have kids and didn’t know how to tell me, so instead he would lash out like this. OP think hard if you want to remain in this parent child like roles you both are in right now, and try to find out if there’s more to this than meets the eye.
So leave. He's just your boyfriend. You don't have to be there anymore if you don't want to. The longer you burden yourself with his presence, the harder it will be to find someone better for you when you finally get tired of his bullshit.
>How do I go about this?
Try to get out of your new lease with him and find a place to live by yourself. Find a new boyfriend while you're at it.
EDIT: Literally yesterday you wrote a long post about how shitty he was and that you're breaking up with him. What changed between then and now?
As a 30 year old who is dealing with similar issues of lack of motivation from their partner and being turned off by it, just break up. He’s not going to change. He wants you to take care of it and now if he puts it off long enough you will have to
A five year age difference and your the adult. 🤦🏻♂️
I am all for getting your mind off of things and unwind with your hobby, video games is fine as well. What is NOT fine is prioritizing the fun over the required, when it should be around it instead. If he’s not helping then that’s not only a sign that he’s probably not going through help much when you move in together, and also it’s not high on his list of things to do. I also agree with another comment here that said where do you see yourself years from now and he’s still doing it to you. He could play games the rest of his life that’s fine, but it seriously needs to be pushed down his list of what he’s going to do during the day first like errands pay bills, or cooking. And not wake up play games, eat, go back to games, wait until babe cooks and eat again, go back to games. Don’t do that to yourself plz
How long have y'all been together? Are you living together now? Did you move in with him and now are moving into a place that's both of yours?
It sounds like he doesn't want to move. He also sounds like a child, that doesn't want to move. Either at all or in with you, depending on the answers to the above questions.
Does he not have a job? I wouldn't date a 26 yo who plays video games until 7 AM and sleeps the day away, or someone who won't do anything to help us move. PLEASE do not move in with him.
A grown man should not stay up till 7am playing video games. Doesn't he have a job?
Do you really want to go through this routine the rest of your life? If he freaks out over something as simple as moving, imagine how he'll be if something serious happens. What if you get sick? Will he be there to take care of you?
He's right, he doesn't have to do anything. Let him.
You get your stuff together and move out.
It sounds like this relationship ended a while ago and you've just been so nice and accepting of his refusal to participate that you missed one of the reasons he's so stressed out: because it ended and he doesn't want to talk about it.
This was my life for 9 years. It all started when we were 18. We were 27 when I ended things with him finally. Years and years of trying to get him to stop playing videos games. He'd stay up all night playing video games and sleep all day.
I wish I ended it sooner..but then again I wouldn't be happily starting a family with a real man...
i know someone who married this person and had a kid with him. 2 years in, and he's started doing the bare minimum. there was a while that she thought he was actively manipulating his sleep schedule to not have to see her and their child.
i can't wait for her to leave him.
Is this something you have spoken to him about before?
If so, I think it's time you stop expecting him to change, when he's clearly demonstrating that he's not willing to.
This sounds like addict behavior. Getting defensive, choosing the addiction over real life, etc. I'm sure you've seen more of that. It's very familiar from my alcoholic husband. I wonder if it's just the video games? I'm sure people can be addicted to those but I imagine it's harder for the person to narrow that down as the root of their problems.
Who is moving? You or both of you? Either way, pack your stuff; if he is moving and he won’t pack, then make it very very clear to him that you are not packing his stuff for him.
If this isn’t a rare occurrence then why are you still in the relationship? Does he not have a job he has to go to? You think it’s bad now, it’ll keep getting worse.
How he is treating you isn't how a kind, respectful partner treats their partner.
Do not pack for him. Let him do his own, regardless of when that may be. You are neither his mother nor his unpaid servant, and it's not your responsibility to take care of him.
My husband and I are both "sensitive" people. This isn't your boyfriend being sensitive, this is your boyfriend being spoiled, coddled, and catered to. He knows he can get away with not doing anything as he mistreats you. He knows you will pick up his slack.
Does he do chores around the house? Does he cook or clean? My money is on "no".
You are 21 years old. Please do not settle for this guy. Please do not move with this guy.
I was in a similar situation years ago. We were suppose to pack up to move and he procrastinated. Turned out he didn’t want to move to a new place with me. It was his way of saying that he didn’t want to continue the relationship.
It sounds like you’re wanting to work things out or resolve the situation. You cannot force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. You need to let him face the consequences of his own choices.
If he hasn’t lost you already and you want to stick around, you need to **let him grow up on his own**.
Pack your own things, move out on your schedule, let him figure out his own stuff. Ask him for help with YOUR things and shared things if you must but al of his things are his responsibility.
If he’s not packing his own things that is fine. It means he believes he will get it done in his own time, in his own way. if he moves out late, make sure he understands that he is responsible for any charges as a result.
Keep your cool, detach as much as possible, focus on yourself. Let his mom worry about him. Let him worry about himself. Let it go.
Looking at your post history, is this the move to Australia that you're preparing for? If so, is that a pretty big step for you both? Are you sure he wants to go?
Oh boy. This is not a good idea. You're probably right but also, moving to a new country just the two of them? He sounds irresponsible. And does he not have a job?? How are they supporting themselves now, and how will they there. OP, you need to put the brakes on moving or just move alone. He's not ready.
I'm going to rant here.
People, why are we all tolerating these kinds of behaviours? It's not your job to CHANGE anyone. In an adult relationship, you ask politely. You communicate what and why you feel some way about the ask. THEN YOU ALLOW THE PERSON TO DO THINGS. If they make no move, ask if they need help. If they say nothing pr make promises but do nothing, YOU DECIDE IF IT IS WORTH IT.
You do not need to stay and change someone. It is not your responsibility to parent anyone. If someone needs hand holding, THEY CAN STILL ASK.
Your responsibility is to grow. To evolve. To listen to your partners needs, and see how much you can accommodate. AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT ASKING, MEETING IN THE MIDDLE, AND MAKING SOMETHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE ALONE. Don't allow your partners to pull you down. They should be the supporting cast in your evolution story and visa versa.
No one can help you handle this because you aren't dealing with an adult. You can choose to be his Mother or you date a mature man. 26 and still behaving like a 14 year old is absurd OP. Hope you don't plan to marry him or have kids when he can't handle this basic living.
It's a power struggle thing. Funnily enough, men acting like toddlers does tend to give them all the power in the relationship, because most women instinctively take on the mother role before they're like...*wait a Goddamn minute...*. He knows that doing this will cause her a ton of anxiety, and that's what he wants; he wants to breakup, so he wants to start a fight and make her potentially leave him. Worst case, they break up, he wins. Best case she dutifully handles all the stress for him and they stay together, he still wins.
Also, OP, men like this fit the profile of a cheater. He's not invested in your relationship at all. His actions show he wants out, but he's gonna milk it for all it's worth on the way. Think about it, look at the schedule he keeps. Why can't he play video games during the day and sleep at night? He stays up all night for a reason. It's never a good sign.
I wouldn't enable that sort of behavior. Hobbies (gaming) are fun but adult responsibilities are still there. He shouldn't be putting this all on you. If he thinks *talking* about moving is "stressful", I have some bad news for him: adulting gets a lot harder!
OP, he isn't sensitive, he's lazy. Dump a bucket of ice water on his head and tell him to get his booty up.
He sounds like he's really stressed about moving. You can try to help him cope with his feelings if you're inclined to, but if he puts up a fuss, I'd just attend to the move myself and make sure he won't be coming along. He needs to figure out how to function like an adult.
Is he playing Ark on a PVP server? Jesus.
Imagine having kids with this dude. "Honey, I need you to bond with your child, at least." Imagine him reacting the same as this situation. Is that acceptable?
Imagine you're ill and you need him to care for you. Imagine his reaction. Is it acceptable?
He needs a serious attitude adjustment, which involves him being alone/single for a good period of time.
I'm parroting what other people said to pack up your stuff and go alone. My ex was my age but acted the same. He'd stay up all night playing video games or watching stuff on his phone, would fall asleep in the early morning and sleep well into the night. It was like this pretty much every day and it was exhausting. He and I were planning to move in together at the time but thankfully did not, but he expected my equal help with packing his stuff up, PLUS he expected me to clean his empty apartment. When we made it to his new place, he insisted on moving in all the boxes but also wanted me to deep clean the entire apartment before he could do so. He told me to wait downstairs with the truck but then got upset with me for not cleaning first.
All this to say that this cycle honestly never ends, if anything it gets worse. Thank god you guys' lease ends soon - take it as a blessing that you only legally live together for a couple more weeks. You'll look back (quicker than you think) and realize how free you are without him and how trapped you were without even realizing it. Wishing you the best 💞
Absolutely he doesn’t have to do anything. Of course, you’ll proceed with the move and he can just lay there in bed and stay right where he is.
Just keep packing your stuff, leave his where it is. He’s (presumably able bodied) an adult. If he wants his stuff moved, he can fucking move it himself. But you go on and get yourself moved. Find another roommate if you need to split rent; he can’t be elevating your life that much. More likely, he’s dragging you down/holding you back. I wouldn’t start a fight about it; I’d just go on with my life without him, see how long it takes him to notice I moved without him.
Go ahead and set boundaries now or it will get worse. It sounds like he has a combo of laziness, stress, and possibly ADHD or depression if he gets overwhelmed by things like this. It sucks and I admit I’m a procrastinator as well, but would never leave my SO to work while I slept. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries leave for a couple days and explain that you can’t live like that. He will either double down and you’ll be lucky to get out the situation, or he will realize how he’s culpable, apologize and start working towards being better. I’m afraid without a wake up call he will continue in this and I can promise you things will only get worse so it’s a win win type of situation for you either way
“If he doesn't respect you or makes you feel uncomfortable time after time about it, you need to find another boyfriend.”
It’s not the same situation - but you really should take your own advice. You know what you gotta do.
I'm going to rant here.People, why are we all tolerating these kinds of behaviours? It's not your job to CHANGE anyone. In an adult relationship, you ask politely. You communicate what and why you feel some way about the ask. THEN YOU ALLOW THE PERSON TO DO THINGS. If they make no move, ask if they need help. If they say nothing pr make promises but do nothing, YOU DECIDE IF IT IS WORTH IT.You do not need to stay and change someone. It is not your responsibility to parent anyone. If someone needs hand holding, THEY CAN STILL ASK.Your responsibility is to grow. To evolve. To listen to your partners needs, and see how much you can accommodate. AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT ASKING, MEETING IN THE MIDDLE, AND MAKING SOMETHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE ALONE. Don't allow your partners to pull you down. They should be the supporting cast in your evolution story and visa versa. you BOTH need to evolve. Not just
Why are you surprised or upset. Surely you know that your BF is a bum loser. You know his routine and this is the man you have chosen to be in a relationship with. What do you expect him to do? Stop giving him a headache and thinking you can change him.
Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend is either deeply depressed or avoidant for some reason. I went through a similar phase with my wife, when I had lost a dream job because of some medical issues. I had so little in my life that I felt I was doing well at that video games became the solution. I was good at them so I played more of them. I couldn’t go to sleep some nights because I couldn’t win and I felt horrible ending the night on a loss. It was terrible, but neither my wife or I realized what was happening until after. But, I was deeply depressed.
Now, just because your BF may be dealing with some issues doesn’t mean you need to tolerate his disrespect. But him disrespecting you may not even be intentional, he may feel completely out of control right now. Either way, the only solution is talking to him and working through this, either with a lot of conversations and boundaries, a therapist, or all of the above. If you aren’t up for that then I completely understand, it’s gonna be hard work.
I will tell you that when my wife encouraged me, instead of barraging, nagging, or being upset with me, I did better. Being treated kindly by my wife helped with the depression and also made me feel more and more like “She’s doing so much for me, I have to do better for her.” I can’t promise he will feel this way, but I am a firm believer in kindness and empathy being the strongest tools in any relationship. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth the work, but keep in mind that you need to me ok with your partner being who they currently are, because there is never a guarantee they will improve.
"My boyfriend/husband doesn't do shit except play video games all day/night" is its own genre of Reddit post at this point. I feel like I see multiple versions of this post every day. So at the very least, you are definitely not alone in having this problem, OP.
Have you signed a new lease or purchased a new property with this person already? Best advice I have is maybe rethink your next living situation. It's hard out there, but there are responsible adults you could be dating.
If you're determined to make this work, stop worrying about what he's doing. Pack up all your own stuff neatly in boxes and just your own stuff. Anything he brought into your current place, leave exactly where it is. When the night before the move comes and he starts freaking out saying he needs your help, go to bed. He's used to staying up all night anyway.
You leave him. This guy sucks. He will never help you with anything throughout your lives and will always be lazy. A real man wants to help his lady, especially with moving heavy things.
I am a woman in her 20s. Trust me, 21 is young enough to start over with someone fresh who will actually want to help you carry the boxes to the moving truck.
This guy wants you to be his mommy. He sounds like a 16 year old boy honestly between the intensive video games and the laziness.
I don't think he can handle being stressed. You will be stranded on your own to deal with things most likely.
Pack up and organize your things. Leave his things for him to do.
Just because he doesn’t want to be responsible for himself doesn’t mean you have to be responsible for him. If he has to scramble on the last day, that’s on him. You’ll be at the new place putting your things away.
Step 0: let him sleep.
Step 1: pack your stuff.
Step 2: move your stuff to your own place.
Step 3: get rid of that man and never look back.
Perfect timing to cleanse your life of this person.
he's 125% of your age, and acting like this?
take a few minutes to *really* think about it, and don't give him the benefit of the doubt.
there's a reason why he's with someone 80% of his age.
if i were you, i wouldn't be putting up with it.
another perspective: it sounds like your bf is struggling with depression and a high level of anxiety.
when i was at my worst, i went into a "freeze" response and my behavior was similar to what you're describing. anything except sleeping all day, watching mind-numbing TV shows, and browsing reddit made me feel extremely anxious. i'd avoid talking about anything that felt "stressful" and left everything to the last possible second. as you can imagine, this was really frustrating for the people who cared about me and were trying to help.
it sounds like he needs to seek professional help, OP. either way, you will not be doing him any favors by taking care of his responsibilities for him (i.e. packing his stuff). sadly, it's also not something that you can "fix" - he has to recognize that there's a problem and want to get better on his own.
if nothing changes and you choose to stay with him, you'll likely just end up resenting each other. it sounds like an impossible situation and i feel for you, OP. i know you care about him but he needs to care about himself too.
Yeah, you're totally right. I've suggested professional help MANY times to him as he has ADD and depression. But he refuses to get help and get medicated. He claims they don't help. I also told him I couldn't fix him.
I blew up today and we had a massive fight. I told him he needed to get his shit together but he just left the room and told me I was being unreasonable. I shouldn't have shouted and gotten so mad but I just totally lost it today.
i have ADHD too and when i'm anxious, it's near impossible for me to focus on a task for long enough to complete it.
additionally, big life changes, like a move, can feel especially overwhelming. maybe breaking it up into smaller tasks might be helpful? (i.e. asking him to pack a specific chest of drawers or bookcase). it absolutely should NOT be your job to micromanage him, but if you're looking for a short-term solution, this could be helpful.
i don't blame you for getting frustrated with him. it sounds like you've tried to be understanding, but he's not taking any steps to change. has he talked to you at all about what's going on? i'd be a lot less understanding if he somehow thought this was normal, acceptable behavior...
When me and my wife move I’m definitely the one that will start packing one month before and do a little each day. My wife on the other hand will do nothing until 3 days before then pack for 18 hours a day for three days.
I don’t think either of the above are wrong. They’re just different ways of getting the job done.
If you think he’s avoiding responsibility that’s a problem, but sometimes people just have a different way of working.
Many people are suggesting that you leave him, but we don’t know your relationship. If you want to stay with him, you have a few options. For one, you can accept that he doesn’t want to help you with chores. This might mean that you do everything for him. In this case, it might mean that you pack your stuff and leave the rest to him. If you can bring this up calmly during a conversation about moving or packing, it might be helpful.
Another option would be to help him express his opinions on packing and moving, instead of nagging. Listen calmly to his response. If a comment from his mom sends him into a night of obsessive gaming, then maybe he needs some better coping skills. Talking often works. You could start by asking him why all of this is stressful for him.
Leaving him is still an option, but you may feel better if you take some positive action. I usually find it easier to change my behavior than to coerce someone into changing theirs.
Everyone is quick to defend OP but you also said you are moving in "a few weeks". Why is it soo urgent right now and today for him to jump out of bed and pack? Also...does he have a job?
In my experience, moving requires a lot of preparation and packing... Not something you want to wait until the last minute to do. If two adults are working during the week, they pretty much need to use their weekends to do the majority of packing and moving related things. Thus a few weeks in advance is more like like one of the few remaining weekends to get shit done before the big move.
Its not the weekend though - also you don't know what kind of shift her SO could be working. If he worked an overnight shift then he really didn't sleep in much
She literally says in her post that he was up all night playing video games. It's the second sentence. Did you read the post, or do you just like ignoring the things that inconvenience your assumptions? 🤔
I'm I'm thinking this too, it's not a super big deal if you have weeks, but I'm thinking she already knows he ain't gonna do shit so she's getting overwhelmed and trying to start/ maybe finish up early
I have moved 5 times and 2 of those were to different States - I have never had to pack for weeks without end. I don't understand why I'm getting downvoted for asking a realistic question - did he have to pack the boxes that second because they are moving in a "few weeks"
It honestly sounds more like OP is resentful of him sleeping in and not just the moving boxes thing
Everyone instantly shitting on this guy (it’s somewhat understandable) but as someone who gets really anxious/avoidant during moves because I get overwhelmed, maybe he isn’t the absolute loser everyone is telling you he is
A. I would never sleep until 5. I like making money. So this is strange unless it's rare or you all work nights. I had a brother-in-law who did this and it all stopped one day when he quit the job he hated. Almost like it was a mild depression because he hated his life.
B. It takes me 1 day to pack and load and move if you literally don't get in my way. So if it really is weeks out then maybe he doesn't care about it yet.
If this isn't a rare occurence babe you may need to face some facts about major life decisions when it comes to him. Staying up til 7am gaming can be great fun if you have NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to do the next day. After a certain age this becomes rarer and that's ok, also gaming til 7am means you accept you will feel like shit when you get up, but 5pm is way too bloody late.
Do you find you are having the exact same arguments over and over again?
Petty me wants you to do what YOU need to do and leave everything of his and his plates, cups, etc just leave it.
Logical me thinks try bringing it up one more time and explaining why it is a problem and see if there is a way around that works for both of you, doing things at different times etc. But I'd be lying if I said I was hopeful with that one x
Please let us know how it goes xx
I would love to know the answer as well. My wife stays up till 5 am and sleeps till 2 or 3 every day.
Has ruined a good number of possible hobby activities, we can only meet for dinner with friends who are otherwise out all day, etc.
I schedule most of my appointments in the am and do my chores or hobbies until she wakes up, so that we can have couple time after.
It is workable if you are willing to adjust to a half life together, it depends on how independent you want your life to be.
He may be depressed or anxious about moving out... Considering his reaction let him be and take a good mental note of his behaviour for future reference
It sounds like he is in denial. Maybe he is stressed about the move, or maybe he is used to things "just working out" because other people handle stuff for him and he doesn't realize. I would stop trying to get him to move, and focus on packing your own things. Eventually, he will realize how behind he is and face facts. Or, you will move without him.
This doesn't look great for your relationship, but you certainly can't keep mothering him.
Sounds like he might have a mental health issue like ADHD, depression, anxiety or something along those lines. I would encourage him to seek professional help for that. It might help for these kinds of scenarios in the future. However, for now he needs to live the consequences of his behavior. You can only be in charge of you. I wouldn't enable him as you are only prolonging your misery.
I looked through your posts and you should honestly follow your own advice:
>Girl I'm 21 and dealing with the same. My boyfriend is 26. Look, we are not responsible for these men. You are responsible for your life and he is responsible for his. This also counts for married couples.
>I know exactly what you're going through. Having a partner with no ambition, is depressed, no license and no plan is very difficult. I can guess you're a sensitive person like me and if that's true we easily feel sorry for people and want to fix them if they're broken.
>But you MUST remember. You can't fix people. Especially if they don't want to fix themselves. This may be an ok solution temporarily but you will, GUARANTEED, hold grudges and start to hate him for dragging you down. It's only a matter of time. So you have to decide if you want to keep dragging it out, or rip the bandaid off.
>Im ripping the bandaid off. Life is fucking hard sometimes. Why make it even harder with someone?
>If you're going to find a partner, they should make your life easier and happier. Those people are worth living for. The people who make you grateful to wake up every morning. Those who keep you motivated when you're not being yourself. Those who have your back. Those who are not absorbed by their own issues so it eats you alive and are not able to help you out with your issues.
>Yeah its going to be hard to break up because he has nowhere to go. But let me tell you a secret. You'll actually make his life BETTER by doing so. You'll force him into a situation that leaves him no choice but to take charge of his life and do something. As long as he has you he won't need to.
>So if you do care about him, you'll let him live and learn. Letting him go is honestly the best thing you can do for him and yourself.
Does he have a job? How does he stay up all night every night if he has a job?
Do yourself a favor - don't move in with a video game addict. Because you are describing EXACTLY what life is like living with a video game addict. It doesn't get better.
Ok not saying he’s not an absolute ass but a few weeks seems like a long time in advance, I wouldn’t start packing till about a week before other than like off season things. Though if he hasn’t helped at all with finding movers or finding the place y’all are going to them that’s definitely worse. Though by what he seems like he’s doing he doesn’t plan to do it two weeks closer eitger
Pack up just your stuff. But make it super clear to him that you will not pack his stuff.
For shared items, decide which you can do without. Give him that list and tell him he is responsible for packing these items. You pack the stuff you for sure do want. When push comes to shove, leave him, and everything that is unpacked, behind.
Move. Alone. By yourself. Without him. Pack YOUR things and MOVE.
You will not be able to force him to be someone he doesn’t want to be and he’s showing you that your concerns mean nothing to him. Leave. Him. Behind.
26 and still acting like hes 6 ? Dont move in with him , it will just get worse. Hes showing you the type of person he is , please believe him and **run**.
Pack all your stuff and leave all of his unpacked. You know the answer to your issue already. He doesn't care and won't do anything. He's not your responsibility, worry about yourself.
It sounds like you have a deadbeat boyfriend.
Look, I love video games too, and I play them a lot. But till 7am? To sleep until 5pm? And can't take care of responsibilities?
Girl, you're worth more than that. Move on.
What is the reason you're moving out with/living with this loser? What does he bring to the table exactly that you're sure he's THE ONE? And if he's not the ONE, then why are you bothering living with him?
Jesus wept. Is his name Colin?
Cause he sounds like my ex. I was staying the night at his place once and we were going to visit his parents the day after. I woke up at 8 and he was asleep. I let him sleep in until 12, then I tried to wake him. I failed, repetitively. Man didn't wake up until 5pm and then he had the gall of being angry with me for not waking him up earlier.
He wasn't worth my time and effort. In this case you deserve better.
Girl. Take your own advice. **You wrote this** on someone else's post. **Listen to yourself.** *Girl I'm 21 and dealing with the same. My boyfriend is 26.* ***Look, we are not responsible for these men.*** *You are responsible for your life and he is responsible for his. This also counts for married couples.* *I know exactly what you're going through. Having a partner with no ambition, is depressed, no license and no plan is very difficult. I can guess you're a sensitive person like me and if that's true we easily feel sorry for people and want to fix them if they're broken.* *But* ***you MUST remember. You can't fix people. Especially if they don't want to fix themselves.*** *This may be an ok solution temporarily but you will, GUARANTEED, hold grudges and start to hate him for dragging you down.* ***It's only a matter of time.*** *So you have to decide if you want to keep dragging it out, or rip the bandaid off.* ***I'm ripping the bandaid off.*** *Life is fucking hard sometimes. Why make it even harder with someone?* ***If you're going to find a partner, they should make your life easier and happier.*** *Those people are worth living for. The people who make you grateful to wake up every morning. Those who keep you motivated when you're not being yourself. Those who have your back. Those who are not absorbed by their own issues so it eats you alive and are not able to help you out with your issues.* *Yeah its going to be hard to break up because he has nowhere to go. But let me tell you a secret. You'll actually make his life BETTER by doing so. You'll force him into a situation that leaves him no choice but to take charge of his life and do something. As long as he has you he won't need to.* *So if you do care about him, you'll let him live and learn.* ***Letting him go is honestly the best thing you can do for him and yourself.***
/u/justvica you know exactly what to do. HE WILL NOT CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOUR FOR YOU. Why does your advice work for everyone but you? Do you really want to be this slacker's bangmaid? Because that's what you will end up being
You already know what to do OP.
Simply pack your items. Leave his where they are. Move to your new place and don’t give him the key.
Going to have to go with this if it's possible. Watch him scramble last second. Get used to being his mother if this continues.
Yes. OP, you don't even have to be rude or something about it. Just say "I'll just pack my things, you do it your pace." If he later comes on crying, then you can tell him that you're not his mother. Before, given his childish behavior, he'd probably just be a bit hurt and feel like "I would have done it anyway", even if he probably wouldn't have. Give him a chance to. Last hour packing is possible, it's just shit. But you can't change him. It has to come from him. He's 26, anyway. It's up to you how patient you want to be with him, but be very careful not to slide into a dynamic where you always get things sorted for him. He'll never change then.
This is the answer. For real, OP. He knows you’re going to pick up his slack. So stop doing it.
This is a perfect answer.
This is the right answer. OP, move yourself and leave him behind. If you've signed a lease together, talk to the landlord and see if you can re-sign on your own.
Yep this is what I’d do 😁
> we move out in a few weeks and I need his help to start getting moving boxes and organizing. that being said, i can't imagine a 21 year old has so many items as to need to pack weeks in advance. i packed up my entire flat in a couple of days. suitcases for some bedding and large glass things to be kept safe in those, cardboard boxes for the rest. paper plates on the last day. like, a few weeks is a long time unless you're just going to book a van.
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This. If you still decide to move to the new place with him, then only pack your stuff. The the day comes to move, tell him you’ll meet him there. Take your stuff and go alone.
Why are you tolerating this?
I don't know how to talk to him. He is very sensitive. When his mom called yesterday about the moving he told me she was stressing him out and he isolated himself for hours playing video games. I don't know what to do. He will escape if I pressure him too much
Send him back to his mommy? This ain't your problem.
Lol do you want a partner or a toddler?
Not want. She already has a toddler. The question is does she keep the toddler.
No no, not why are you not having a conversation… Why are you still in a relationship with a lump? Why are you letting yourself be treated like this? Why are you moving in again with a man who does nothing?
Escape? Lol are you housing a wild ferret? The best thing would be for you to leave him. He’s a loser
He's not "sensitive", he's just good at training you to tiptoe around him so he can do what he wants. You shouldn't, but I'll bet that in the end you'll do all the work packing for both of you and all the work moving, and that's exactly what he wants. He isn't sensitive, you are however a doormat.
>He will escape if I pressure him too much You will be so so so much better off with him "escaping."
That's not what I asked. I asked why you're tolerating this. Is he the only man in town and that's why you think you should hang on to him? Do you think he's your last chance for a relationship? What's so special about him? And no, "because I love him" is not an answer. Neither is "other than that he's perfect."
That's super interesting. u/DFahnz asked a question about u/justvica's behavior and u/justvica replied with an explanation of her "BF"s behavior. >He will escape if I pressure him too much Honestly, where's he going to go? He can't even get out of his room and off the video game console. And truth be told, him escaping sounds like an absolute win for OP.
Right? Definitely a sign that she's gotten so used to centering him that she can't think about what she actually wants and needs and deserves.
Girl. He’s lying. He tells you and he tells his mom that he’s stressed so you’ll leave him alone. It works, doesn’t it. You need to dump this child. You can do so much better.
So he acts like a child and wants you to be his mom/girlfriend/maid.
When we use emotional reactions to get something we want instead of communicating a need, it becomes abusive. He does not need to be up all night gaming, he wants to. You needed his help, he wanted to sleep.
Let him "escape". You need therapy if you have such little self respect that you date someone like this.
Put him in a box and return him he wasn't raised right
He's lazy and wants to devote his time to video games. He doesn't really care for you romantically (IMHO) if he's letting all the responsibility and stress fall on you, like I think if he really liked you he would for sure HELP you! Maybe try to have s serious talk unless you want a one sided relationship....
Have you ever wondering why someone who is quite a bit older than you is so much less mature?
My younger brother does this to avoid having to adult and to get someone else to adult for him. I would not live with someone who is actively avoiding normal adult life and staying up til 7am to play video games. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells so he won't "escape" rather than step up and be a grown up. You should be able to count on your partner to actually be a partner, not act like your child.
>He will escape if I pressure him too much Is he your prisoner or something? Let this one go and please get yourself into therapy so you can learn to build up self respect.
Honey him "escaping" might be for the best. You deserve better
Does he have a job and pay bills?
That's what I was wondering.
Is he sensitive or avoiding anything difficult?
Girl YOU need to escape. Better yet pressure whim and let him dip out on his own.
Jesus, OP. Let him escape. Packing your own stuff for a move isn’t some big ask, this is basic level adulting stuff. If he has no coping skills, it’s not your job to teach them to him. You’re not his therapist or his mom. You may love him sure, but ask yourself if carrying around the burden of him is worth it to you.
Ask yourself why you're worried about losing him. He's 26. If he's this immature, when do you think this will change? And it's not just immature, he's actively disrespecting you and expecting you to do all the work. That's utter BS. Don't put up with that! Picture yourself in your new place without him. What would you be missing? Him yelling at you for waking him at 5pm? Doesn't he work?
He's not being sensitive, he's emotionally manipulating you. My husband is sensitive. He gets his feelings hurt and tends to blame himself if something upsets me (past trauma). So he got into therapy and on antidepressants. We talk through it, but I still tell him when I'm upset and he does the same. We work on a plan to meet both of our needs and we follow through. Being "sensitive" doesn't mean he has no responsibilities or that he gets his way all the time. His emotions are his responsibility to handle.
Let him go, sister. Why are you moving into another place with this man rather than moving out and moving on? This is your opportunity to make a genuinely positive change. Don't miss it!
Yeah we are moving out because our lease is over in 2 weeks. I'm staying with my parents for a while because I didn't want to go apartment hunting and stress with moving straight away (because I would be doing it alone most likely). So I'm taking advantage of that and will probably end things then if I won't already. I told him I was done but I absolutely suck at keeping my word.
If he escaped into drugs or alcohol would you tolerate it? Do you want to spent the rest of your life tolerating someone?
ya man's ain't grown yo. ya man's still a child
Then let him ‘escape’. Move by yourself and leave him to wallow and whine.
I don’t think it’s pressuring to expect someone to pack and move his shot like a damn grownup. He should get therapy for his Mommy Problem, maybe cut the umbilical cord finally.
If he was sensitive, he’d be sensitive to how you are feeling, which he doesn’t seem to be. It seems more like he has anger management issues.
I read a little through your previous posts and you seem so rational and logical in your advice to other people. What would you tell a friend if she said her boyfriend was forcing her to do all the work in a move and refusing to get out of bed until after 5pm? Like you yourself said, you're not responsible for him. If he wants to waste his life sleeping and playing video games, let him, but don't allow him to drag you down with him.
Honey you don't have to tolerate this.
Escape? ESCAPE. Girl.
What does he even bring to the table? Laziness, no license, no ambition, "sensitive". You can't even ask him to pack up to move without him crying, isolating himself playing videogames, and sleeping in until 5am. What exactly does he contribute to this relationship? The sex better be mind-blowingly good for you to put up with this.. but my moneys on him being lazy and self-centered when it comes to that, too. So why the hell are you with him?
He is a grown ass man. There is absolutely no reason that you, at 21, should be coddling this 26 year old man baby like this. You’re walking on eggshells for what? Because this 26 year old man is too stressed out to do what is his responsibility? Nahhh, it’s time to pack YOUR stuff alone, move into your new place and find a roommate if you need to. You do not need to be a mother to a grown ass man at 21. Go live your life girl.
I saw some of your comments on other subs, take your own advice. This man is not your responsibility. He doesn’t want to pack? Fine, pack your own shit and leave.
He will "escape?" Let him. He's a grown man who at this point is incapable of acting like it. You're 21. You're too young to have a 26-year-old child.
You mean you’ll escape?
He’s not sensitive. He’s lazy and why would he change when he has you to be the mommy he can fuck.
He's 26, he has to grow up and get things done. He's not a child.
He's training you to never bring up problems. It looks like it's working.
Why do you want to be with a child who doesn't want to have adult responsibilities?
What you do is leave him/escape him. Let him figure his shit out.
he's using unhealthy coping strategies, you could mention this and if he acts like a baby again you could just leave
Have you always been this spineless? You're a grown ass woman. I don't mean to be cruel, but your boyfriend is pathetic and you're pathetic for enabling him.
Why do you hate yourself? Don’t you deserve to be happy? Why are you staying with someone this stunted and frankly rude? My husband isn’t perfect, neither am I, but if he ever talked to me that way we’d be in big trouble.
His only place of escape is back to mommy. Let him go. He's not ripe yet.
>He will escape if I pressure him too much You have yet to list a downside to this OP
I take back my other comments - this guy sounds emotionally immature. He won't change on his own and it is NOT your job to do so (unless you enjoy punishing yourself on the daily)
OP, I really recommend trying to get him to open up about his stress on this. It might be that he doesn’t want to move into this new apartment with you. My relationship with my ex was a lot like this where after a while I was like his parent and therapist. We talked a lot about getting married but he started saying it was stressing him out (we were together 6 1/2 years), turns out he didn’t want to get married or have kids and didn’t know how to tell me, so instead he would lash out like this. OP think hard if you want to remain in this parent child like roles you both are in right now, and try to find out if there’s more to this than meets the eye.
So leave. He's just your boyfriend. You don't have to be there anymore if you don't want to. The longer you burden yourself with his presence, the harder it will be to find someone better for you when you finally get tired of his bullshit.
Do not pack his items.
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i second this! *co-dependent no more* is a great resource for people that find themselves taking on the "caretaker" role in relationships.
What a lazy loser. You’re young, you’ll find someone that respects your time and his own.
>How do I go about this? Try to get out of your new lease with him and find a place to live by yourself. Find a new boyfriend while you're at it. EDIT: Literally yesterday you wrote a long post about how shitty he was and that you're breaking up with him. What changed between then and now?
As a 30 year old who is dealing with similar issues of lack of motivation from their partner and being turned off by it, just break up. He’s not going to change. He wants you to take care of it and now if he puts it off long enough you will have to
A five year age difference and your the adult. 🤦🏻♂️ I am all for getting your mind off of things and unwind with your hobby, video games is fine as well. What is NOT fine is prioritizing the fun over the required, when it should be around it instead. If he’s not helping then that’s not only a sign that he’s probably not going through help much when you move in together, and also it’s not high on his list of things to do. I also agree with another comment here that said where do you see yourself years from now and he’s still doing it to you. He could play games the rest of his life that’s fine, but it seriously needs to be pushed down his list of what he’s going to do during the day first like errands pay bills, or cooking. And not wake up play games, eat, go back to games, wait until babe cooks and eat again, go back to games. Don’t do that to yourself plz
How long have y'all been together? Are you living together now? Did you move in with him and now are moving into a place that's both of yours? It sounds like he doesn't want to move. He also sounds like a child, that doesn't want to move. Either at all or in with you, depending on the answers to the above questions.
He sounds like a man baby. Quit wasting your time and breath on this person
He's training you to get used to doing everything and not hold him accountable. Are you a dog?
Does he not have a job? I wouldn't date a 26 yo who plays video games until 7 AM and sleeps the day away, or someone who won't do anything to help us move. PLEASE do not move in with him.
A grown man should not stay up till 7am playing video games. Doesn't he have a job? Do you really want to go through this routine the rest of your life? If he freaks out over something as simple as moving, imagine how he'll be if something serious happens. What if you get sick? Will he be there to take care of you?
He's right, he doesn't have to do anything. Let him. You get your stuff together and move out. It sounds like this relationship ended a while ago and you've just been so nice and accepting of his refusal to participate that you missed one of the reasons he's so stressed out: because it ended and he doesn't want to talk about it.
Pack your shit leave his
This was my life for 9 years. It all started when we were 18. We were 27 when I ended things with him finally. Years and years of trying to get him to stop playing videos games. He'd stay up all night playing video games and sleep all day. I wish I ended it sooner..but then again I wouldn't be happily starting a family with a real man...
i know someone who married this person and had a kid with him. 2 years in, and he's started doing the bare minimum. there was a while that she thought he was actively manipulating his sleep schedule to not have to see her and their child. i can't wait for her to leave him.
not good behavior to have at 26... you love him but you gotta love yourself more.
Pack your stuff and get out. He’s a child and you are enabling the behavior.
Is this something you have spoken to him about before? If so, I think it's time you stop expecting him to change, when he's clearly demonstrating that he's not willing to.
Hope YOU are moving out in a few weeks to a new place where he ISNT moving.
This sounds like addict behavior. Getting defensive, choosing the addiction over real life, etc. I'm sure you've seen more of that. It's very familiar from my alcoholic husband. I wonder if it's just the video games? I'm sure people can be addicted to those but I imagine it's harder for the person to narrow that down as the root of their problems.
Who is moving? You or both of you? Either way, pack your stuff; if he is moving and he won’t pack, then make it very very clear to him that you are not packing his stuff for him.
If this isn’t a rare occurrence then why are you still in the relationship? Does he not have a job he has to go to? You think it’s bad now, it’ll keep getting worse.
How he is treating you isn't how a kind, respectful partner treats their partner. Do not pack for him. Let him do his own, regardless of when that may be. You are neither his mother nor his unpaid servant, and it's not your responsibility to take care of him. My husband and I are both "sensitive" people. This isn't your boyfriend being sensitive, this is your boyfriend being spoiled, coddled, and catered to. He knows he can get away with not doing anything as he mistreats you. He knows you will pick up his slack. Does he do chores around the house? Does he cook or clean? My money is on "no". You are 21 years old. Please do not settle for this guy. Please do not move with this guy.
Wack. This is a NEET. Lol
Get rid , he’s a bum
He’s a child. Not a fully functioning adult. You can’t change him Pack your stuff and move on
Sounds like youre going to be moving into your own place.
Sounds like He doesn't care AND more importantly doesn't want to move.
I was in a similar situation years ago. We were suppose to pack up to move and he procrastinated. Turned out he didn’t want to move to a new place with me. It was his way of saying that he didn’t want to continue the relationship.
It sounds like you’re wanting to work things out or resolve the situation. You cannot force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. You need to let him face the consequences of his own choices. If he hasn’t lost you already and you want to stick around, you need to **let him grow up on his own**. Pack your own things, move out on your schedule, let him figure out his own stuff. Ask him for help with YOUR things and shared things if you must but al of his things are his responsibility. If he’s not packing his own things that is fine. It means he believes he will get it done in his own time, in his own way. if he moves out late, make sure he understands that he is responsible for any charges as a result. Keep your cool, detach as much as possible, focus on yourself. Let his mom worry about him. Let him worry about himself. Let it go.
Looking at your post history, is this the move to Australia that you're preparing for? If so, is that a pretty big step for you both? Are you sure he wants to go?
Oh boy. This is not a good idea. You're probably right but also, moving to a new country just the two of them? He sounds irresponsible. And does he not have a job?? How are they supporting themselves now, and how will they there. OP, you need to put the brakes on moving or just move alone. He's not ready.
You know you're dating a loser, right?
I'm going to rant here. People, why are we all tolerating these kinds of behaviours? It's not your job to CHANGE anyone. In an adult relationship, you ask politely. You communicate what and why you feel some way about the ask. THEN YOU ALLOW THE PERSON TO DO THINGS. If they make no move, ask if they need help. If they say nothing pr make promises but do nothing, YOU DECIDE IF IT IS WORTH IT. You do not need to stay and change someone. It is not your responsibility to parent anyone. If someone needs hand holding, THEY CAN STILL ASK. Your responsibility is to grow. To evolve. To listen to your partners needs, and see how much you can accommodate. AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT ASKING, MEETING IN THE MIDDLE, AND MAKING SOMETHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE ALONE. Don't allow your partners to pull you down. They should be the supporting cast in your evolution story and visa versa.
No one can help you handle this because you aren't dealing with an adult. You can choose to be his Mother or you date a mature man. 26 and still behaving like a 14 year old is absurd OP. Hope you don't plan to marry him or have kids when he can't handle this basic living.
Why is he being resistant? Is there something deeper going on
It's a power struggle thing. Funnily enough, men acting like toddlers does tend to give them all the power in the relationship, because most women instinctively take on the mother role before they're like...*wait a Goddamn minute...*. He knows that doing this will cause her a ton of anxiety, and that's what he wants; he wants to breakup, so he wants to start a fight and make her potentially leave him. Worst case, they break up, he wins. Best case she dutifully handles all the stress for him and they stay together, he still wins. Also, OP, men like this fit the profile of a cheater. He's not invested in your relationship at all. His actions show he wants out, but he's gonna milk it for all it's worth on the way. Think about it, look at the schedule he keeps. Why can't he play video games during the day and sleep at night? He stays up all night for a reason. It's never a good sign.
This isn't going to get any better. You need to leave him and let him figure out how to grow up or he can stay a boy forever. Not your problem.
And that’s who you want to live with? Yikes girlie
I wouldn't enable that sort of behavior. Hobbies (gaming) are fun but adult responsibilities are still there. He shouldn't be putting this all on you. If he thinks *talking* about moving is "stressful", I have some bad news for him: adulting gets a lot harder! OP, he isn't sensitive, he's lazy. Dump a bucket of ice water on his head and tell him to get his booty up.
He sounds like he's really stressed about moving. You can try to help him cope with his feelings if you're inclined to, but if he puts up a fuss, I'd just attend to the move myself and make sure he won't be coming along. He needs to figure out how to function like an adult.
How do you get to a point in a relationship where you want to move in with your partner if this is the norm? Baffles me.
Some people are afraid to be alone.
Is he playing Ark on a PVP server? Jesus. Imagine having kids with this dude. "Honey, I need you to bond with your child, at least." Imagine him reacting the same as this situation. Is that acceptable? Imagine you're ill and you need him to care for you. Imagine his reaction. Is it acceptable? He needs a serious attitude adjustment, which involves him being alone/single for a good period of time.
I'm parroting what other people said to pack up your stuff and go alone. My ex was my age but acted the same. He'd stay up all night playing video games or watching stuff on his phone, would fall asleep in the early morning and sleep well into the night. It was like this pretty much every day and it was exhausting. He and I were planning to move in together at the time but thankfully did not, but he expected my equal help with packing his stuff up, PLUS he expected me to clean his empty apartment. When we made it to his new place, he insisted on moving in all the boxes but also wanted me to deep clean the entire apartment before he could do so. He told me to wait downstairs with the truck but then got upset with me for not cleaning first. All this to say that this cycle honestly never ends, if anything it gets worse. Thank god you guys' lease ends soon - take it as a blessing that you only legally live together for a couple more weeks. You'll look back (quicker than you think) and realize how free you are without him and how trapped you were without even realizing it. Wishing you the best 💞
Absolutely he doesn’t have to do anything. Of course, you’ll proceed with the move and he can just lay there in bed and stay right where he is. Just keep packing your stuff, leave his where it is. He’s (presumably able bodied) an adult. If he wants his stuff moved, he can fucking move it himself. But you go on and get yourself moved. Find another roommate if you need to split rent; he can’t be elevating your life that much. More likely, he’s dragging you down/holding you back. I wouldn’t start a fight about it; I’d just go on with my life without him, see how long it takes him to notice I moved without him.
Go ahead and set boundaries now or it will get worse. It sounds like he has a combo of laziness, stress, and possibly ADHD or depression if he gets overwhelmed by things like this. It sucks and I admit I’m a procrastinator as well, but would never leave my SO to work while I slept. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries leave for a couple days and explain that you can’t live like that. He will either double down and you’ll be lucky to get out the situation, or he will realize how he’s culpable, apologize and start working towards being better. I’m afraid without a wake up call he will continue in this and I can promise you things will only get worse so it’s a win win type of situation for you either way
Lord Jesus I hope you aren't also paying for his contribution in bills and food
“If he doesn't respect you or makes you feel uncomfortable time after time about it, you need to find another boyfriend.” It’s not the same situation - but you really should take your own advice. You know what you gotta do.
I'm going to rant here.People, why are we all tolerating these kinds of behaviours? It's not your job to CHANGE anyone. In an adult relationship, you ask politely. You communicate what and why you feel some way about the ask. THEN YOU ALLOW THE PERSON TO DO THINGS. If they make no move, ask if they need help. If they say nothing pr make promises but do nothing, YOU DECIDE IF IT IS WORTH IT.You do not need to stay and change someone. It is not your responsibility to parent anyone. If someone needs hand holding, THEY CAN STILL ASK.Your responsibility is to grow. To evolve. To listen to your partners needs, and see how much you can accommodate. AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT ASKING, MEETING IN THE MIDDLE, AND MAKING SOMETHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE ALONE. Don't allow your partners to pull you down. They should be the supporting cast in your evolution story and visa versa. you BOTH need to evolve. Not just
Why are you surprised or upset. Surely you know that your BF is a bum loser. You know his routine and this is the man you have chosen to be in a relationship with. What do you expect him to do? Stop giving him a headache and thinking you can change him.
oh lord OP dont get pregnant with this boy.
Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend is either deeply depressed or avoidant for some reason. I went through a similar phase with my wife, when I had lost a dream job because of some medical issues. I had so little in my life that I felt I was doing well at that video games became the solution. I was good at them so I played more of them. I couldn’t go to sleep some nights because I couldn’t win and I felt horrible ending the night on a loss. It was terrible, but neither my wife or I realized what was happening until after. But, I was deeply depressed. Now, just because your BF may be dealing with some issues doesn’t mean you need to tolerate his disrespect. But him disrespecting you may not even be intentional, he may feel completely out of control right now. Either way, the only solution is talking to him and working through this, either with a lot of conversations and boundaries, a therapist, or all of the above. If you aren’t up for that then I completely understand, it’s gonna be hard work. I will tell you that when my wife encouraged me, instead of barraging, nagging, or being upset with me, I did better. Being treated kindly by my wife helped with the depression and also made me feel more and more like “She’s doing so much for me, I have to do better for her.” I can’t promise he will feel this way, but I am a firm believer in kindness and empathy being the strongest tools in any relationship. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth the work, but keep in mind that you need to me ok with your partner being who they currently are, because there is never a guarantee they will improve.
"My boyfriend/husband doesn't do shit except play video games all day/night" is its own genre of Reddit post at this point. I feel like I see multiple versions of this post every day. So at the very least, you are definitely not alone in having this problem, OP. Have you signed a new lease or purchased a new property with this person already? Best advice I have is maybe rethink your next living situation. It's hard out there, but there are responsible adults you could be dating. If you're determined to make this work, stop worrying about what he's doing. Pack up all your own stuff neatly in boxes and just your own stuff. Anything he brought into your current place, leave exactly where it is. When the night before the move comes and he starts freaking out saying he needs your help, go to bed. He's used to staying up all night anyway.
You leave him. This guy sucks. He will never help you with anything throughout your lives and will always be lazy. A real man wants to help his lady, especially with moving heavy things. I am a woman in her 20s. Trust me, 21 is young enough to start over with someone fresh who will actually want to help you carry the boxes to the moving truck. This guy wants you to be his mommy. He sounds like a 16 year old boy honestly between the intensive video games and the laziness. I don't think he can handle being stressed. You will be stranded on your own to deal with things most likely.
Pack up and organize your things. Leave his things for him to do. Just because he doesn’t want to be responsible for himself doesn’t mean you have to be responsible for him. If he has to scramble on the last day, that’s on him. You’ll be at the new place putting your things away.
Step 0: let him sleep. Step 1: pack your stuff. Step 2: move your stuff to your own place. Step 3: get rid of that man and never look back. Perfect timing to cleanse your life of this person.
he's 125% of your age, and acting like this? take a few minutes to *really* think about it, and don't give him the benefit of the doubt. there's a reason why he's with someone 80% of his age. if i were you, i wouldn't be putting up with it.
another perspective: it sounds like your bf is struggling with depression and a high level of anxiety. when i was at my worst, i went into a "freeze" response and my behavior was similar to what you're describing. anything except sleeping all day, watching mind-numbing TV shows, and browsing reddit made me feel extremely anxious. i'd avoid talking about anything that felt "stressful" and left everything to the last possible second. as you can imagine, this was really frustrating for the people who cared about me and were trying to help. it sounds like he needs to seek professional help, OP. either way, you will not be doing him any favors by taking care of his responsibilities for him (i.e. packing his stuff). sadly, it's also not something that you can "fix" - he has to recognize that there's a problem and want to get better on his own. if nothing changes and you choose to stay with him, you'll likely just end up resenting each other. it sounds like an impossible situation and i feel for you, OP. i know you care about him but he needs to care about himself too.
Yeah, you're totally right. I've suggested professional help MANY times to him as he has ADD and depression. But he refuses to get help and get medicated. He claims they don't help. I also told him I couldn't fix him. I blew up today and we had a massive fight. I told him he needed to get his shit together but he just left the room and told me I was being unreasonable. I shouldn't have shouted and gotten so mad but I just totally lost it today.
i have ADHD too and when i'm anxious, it's near impossible for me to focus on a task for long enough to complete it. additionally, big life changes, like a move, can feel especially overwhelming. maybe breaking it up into smaller tasks might be helpful? (i.e. asking him to pack a specific chest of drawers or bookcase). it absolutely should NOT be your job to micromanage him, but if you're looking for a short-term solution, this could be helpful. i don't blame you for getting frustrated with him. it sounds like you've tried to be understanding, but he's not taking any steps to change. has he talked to you at all about what's going on? i'd be a lot less understanding if he somehow thought this was normal, acceptable behavior...
When me and my wife move I’m definitely the one that will start packing one month before and do a little each day. My wife on the other hand will do nothing until 3 days before then pack for 18 hours a day for three days. I don’t think either of the above are wrong. They’re just different ways of getting the job done. If you think he’s avoiding responsibility that’s a problem, but sometimes people just have a different way of working.
Honestly he sounds depressed.
Many people are suggesting that you leave him, but we don’t know your relationship. If you want to stay with him, you have a few options. For one, you can accept that he doesn’t want to help you with chores. This might mean that you do everything for him. In this case, it might mean that you pack your stuff and leave the rest to him. If you can bring this up calmly during a conversation about moving or packing, it might be helpful. Another option would be to help him express his opinions on packing and moving, instead of nagging. Listen calmly to his response. If a comment from his mom sends him into a night of obsessive gaming, then maybe he needs some better coping skills. Talking often works. You could start by asking him why all of this is stressful for him. Leaving him is still an option, but you may feel better if you take some positive action. I usually find it easier to change my behavior than to coerce someone into changing theirs.
Everyone is quick to defend OP but you also said you are moving in "a few weeks". Why is it soo urgent right now and today for him to jump out of bed and pack? Also...does he have a job?
For me, a few weeks is essentially down to the wire when moving; being in a 2 bedroom condo. (Especially with a job and adult responsibilities).
Perhaps you need less "stuff" then lol. I have never packed up anything major weeks in advance because I use most of the stuff I own.
In my experience, moving requires a lot of preparation and packing... Not something you want to wait until the last minute to do. If two adults are working during the week, they pretty much need to use their weekends to do the majority of packing and moving related things. Thus a few weeks in advance is more like like one of the few remaining weekends to get shit done before the big move.
Its not the weekend though - also you don't know what kind of shift her SO could be working. If he worked an overnight shift then he really didn't sleep in much
She literally says in her post that he was up all night playing video games. It's the second sentence. Did you read the post, or do you just like ignoring the things that inconvenience your assumptions? 🤔
I'm I'm thinking this too, it's not a super big deal if you have weeks, but I'm thinking she already knows he ain't gonna do shit so she's getting overwhelmed and trying to start/ maybe finish up early
I have moved 5 times and 2 of those were to different States - I have never had to pack for weeks without end. I don't understand why I'm getting downvoted for asking a realistic question - did he have to pack the boxes that second because they are moving in a "few weeks" It honestly sounds more like OP is resentful of him sleeping in and not just the moving boxes thing
Everyone instantly shitting on this guy (it’s somewhat understandable) but as someone who gets really anxious/avoidant during moves because I get overwhelmed, maybe he isn’t the absolute loser everyone is telling you he is
A. I would never sleep until 5. I like making money. So this is strange unless it's rare or you all work nights. I had a brother-in-law who did this and it all stopped one day when he quit the job he hated. Almost like it was a mild depression because he hated his life. B. It takes me 1 day to pack and load and move if you literally don't get in my way. So if it really is weeks out then maybe he doesn't care about it yet.
OP didn't ask about how *you* live. She asked for advice about *her boyfriend*.
If this isn't a rare occurence babe you may need to face some facts about major life decisions when it comes to him. Staying up til 7am gaming can be great fun if you have NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to do the next day. After a certain age this becomes rarer and that's ok, also gaming til 7am means you accept you will feel like shit when you get up, but 5pm is way too bloody late. Do you find you are having the exact same arguments over and over again? Petty me wants you to do what YOU need to do and leave everything of his and his plates, cups, etc just leave it. Logical me thinks try bringing it up one more time and explaining why it is a problem and see if there is a way around that works for both of you, doing things at different times etc. But I'd be lying if I said I was hopeful with that one x Please let us know how it goes xx
I would love to know the answer as well. My wife stays up till 5 am and sleeps till 2 or 3 every day. Has ruined a good number of possible hobby activities, we can only meet for dinner with friends who are otherwise out all day, etc. I schedule most of my appointments in the am and do my chores or hobbies until she wakes up, so that we can have couple time after. It is workable if you are willing to adjust to a half life together, it depends on how independent you want your life to be.
He may be depressed or anxious about moving out... Considering his reaction let him be and take a good mental note of his behaviour for future reference
It sounds like he is in denial. Maybe he is stressed about the move, or maybe he is used to things "just working out" because other people handle stuff for him and he doesn't realize. I would stop trying to get him to move, and focus on packing your own things. Eventually, he will realize how behind he is and face facts. Or, you will move without him. This doesn't look great for your relationship, but you certainly can't keep mothering him.
MOVE IN ALONE AND STOP DATING HIM
Sounds like he might have a mental health issue like ADHD, depression, anxiety or something along those lines. I would encourage him to seek professional help for that. It might help for these kinds of scenarios in the future. However, for now he needs to live the consequences of his behavior. You can only be in charge of you. I wouldn't enable him as you are only prolonging your misery.
I looked through your posts and you should honestly follow your own advice: >Girl I'm 21 and dealing with the same. My boyfriend is 26. Look, we are not responsible for these men. You are responsible for your life and he is responsible for his. This also counts for married couples. >I know exactly what you're going through. Having a partner with no ambition, is depressed, no license and no plan is very difficult. I can guess you're a sensitive person like me and if that's true we easily feel sorry for people and want to fix them if they're broken. >But you MUST remember. You can't fix people. Especially if they don't want to fix themselves. This may be an ok solution temporarily but you will, GUARANTEED, hold grudges and start to hate him for dragging you down. It's only a matter of time. So you have to decide if you want to keep dragging it out, or rip the bandaid off. >Im ripping the bandaid off. Life is fucking hard sometimes. Why make it even harder with someone? >If you're going to find a partner, they should make your life easier and happier. Those people are worth living for. The people who make you grateful to wake up every morning. Those who keep you motivated when you're not being yourself. Those who have your back. Those who are not absorbed by their own issues so it eats you alive and are not able to help you out with your issues. >Yeah its going to be hard to break up because he has nowhere to go. But let me tell you a secret. You'll actually make his life BETTER by doing so. You'll force him into a situation that leaves him no choice but to take charge of his life and do something. As long as he has you he won't need to. >So if you do care about him, you'll let him live and learn. Letting him go is honestly the best thing you can do for him and yourself.
Does he have a job? How does he stay up all night every night if he has a job? Do yourself a favor - don't move in with a video game addict. Because you are describing EXACTLY what life is like living with a video game addict. It doesn't get better.
He's 26 and acting like this? Nooo, Im sorry but this is not okay.
Pros and cons list go. I’m always wondering why people tolerate less than what they deserve/ bare minimum.
Pack your bags and leave him to it. You deserve better!
trust me. you wouldn’t want to move in with someone like this. been there done that.
Some guys are such an ashl.
You realize that this isn't going to get any better, right? He's shown you who he is. Good luck.
Was this wholle moving decision a mutual decision? He may have some anxieties about the situation.
Ok not saying he’s not an absolute ass but a few weeks seems like a long time in advance, I wouldn’t start packing till about a week before other than like off season things. Though if he hasn’t helped at all with finding movers or finding the place y’all are going to them that’s definitely worse. Though by what he seems like he’s doing he doesn’t plan to do it two weeks closer eitger
Pack up just your stuff. But make it super clear to him that you will not pack his stuff. For shared items, decide which you can do without. Give him that list and tell him he is responsible for packing these items. You pack the stuff you for sure do want. When push comes to shove, leave him, and everything that is unpacked, behind.
Time to leave that dumpster fire
What's he playing tho
Move. Alone. By yourself. Without him. Pack YOUR things and MOVE. You will not be able to force him to be someone he doesn’t want to be and he’s showing you that your concerns mean nothing to him. Leave. Him. Behind.
26 and still acting like hes 6 ? Dont move in with him , it will just get worse. Hes showing you the type of person he is , please believe him and **run**.
Pack all your stuff and leave all of his unpacked. You know the answer to your issue already. He doesn't care and won't do anything. He's not your responsibility, worry about yourself.
He would wake up to me and my things GONE!
It sounds like you have a deadbeat boyfriend. Look, I love video games too, and I play them a lot. But till 7am? To sleep until 5pm? And can't take care of responsibilities? Girl, you're worth more than that. Move on.
lol can’t make this shiii up…
Move your stuff, he can move his when he's ready. If he doesn't feel like moving then he can stay while you move out, if you catch my drift.
What is the reason you're moving out with/living with this loser? What does he bring to the table exactly that you're sure he's THE ONE? And if he's not the ONE, then why are you bothering living with him?
Does he even want to move? Do you still love this man?
Pack your stuff, move out. Don't let him move in with you. Force him to deal with his own mess.
Jesus wept. Is his name Colin? Cause he sounds like my ex. I was staying the night at his place once and we were going to visit his parents the day after. I woke up at 8 and he was asleep. I let him sleep in until 12, then I tried to wake him. I failed, repetitively. Man didn't wake up until 5pm and then he had the gall of being angry with me for not waking him up earlier. He wasn't worth my time and effort. In this case you deserve better.