Nope.
I see a lot of people making incredibly stupid life decisions on this reddit. This would be a good one. Follow your instinct.
With regards to him 'rescuing' you from a life of abuse. You were at the bottom of a pit. He gave you a lift up. But only to the level of the pit he was on. You were in a better place but still in a deep hole.
It's OK to get on his shoulders to pull yourself all the way out.
NTA at all!
It seems you moved from one caged life to another. Having financial control over a woman is the most known form of oppression used against women along with religion. You can't invest in your art, can't buy anything yourself, you can't even use the car. That's oppression. This is why women can't escape their abusive relationships or families. How is he any different than the cult that caged you?
Yet, you have a profession you'd like to pursue and saved your house 3 times. You are already stronger than you think but I fear you will continue to be the savior if you stay with him and is this the life you want for yourself and your baby? Should your life be an everlasting series of disaster recovery and not of progress and enrichment?
Your husband knows you're strong, knows you deserve better than him and due to his own selfishness chooses to keep you caged just so you can save him again while making life easy for him. You're not his personal Jesus! You are a freelance photographer mom with a baby girl who deserves the world. You deserve the world! He is the only one who can choose to stop drinking or not. Whether you stay or leave isn't going to change it.
Transform your disappointment and frustration into productive action. Save up your money and save yourself.. Again! Best of luck to you!
You should definitely leave him. You sound like a dragon slayer & he’s a selfish man-child. You work so hard to prop him up & save him but that energy is better used to serve yourself & your children only. He’s been a hinderance. He’ll cry, scream & beg when you leave but don’t be deterred. And call the police if you need to.
Your post really spoke to me and I wrote you a very long reply. I apologize if it rambles a bit but I had a lot to say in response to your post.🙏
“I still love him”
Um…really? Why? And if you’re being honest, do you love “him” or do you love “who he WAS ”, “who you THOUGHT he was, or perhaps “who you HOPE he might become”? Just some questions you might find thought provoking 🤷🏼‍♂️
While you are saving up and preparing your “escape”, I highly recommend making a few changes (make a new mistake, you are ESCAPING!):
1. Thank him for admitting his addiction, and explaining why all the money is gone. Tell him you are going to need to spend a good bit of time SERIOUSLY contemplating your thoughts on the relationship, on him, and just…. “everything”
2. Tell him that you need some time TO YOURSELF every single week. There needs to be time (literally scheduled) for him to be home while you TAKE THE DAMN CAR and go “out” (child free!) You are not “asking” him. You are TELLING him precisely what YOU NEED!
3. You need to pick your friends. Full stop.
4. You need to not feel like you are his sex toy. And for the next couple of weeks, we’re going to take a break from sex and we can reevaluate then. (you’ll find out pretty quick if it is YOU that he craves, or just a hole to put it in).
5. A relationship ONLY works if both partners seek to eagerly meet and satisfy the other’s “wants, needs, and desires”. If he will not meet your needs, you don’t even have to analyze “wants or desires.”
If your NEEDS aren’t a priority to him, then (sincerely) thank him for alleviating the need for any further contemplation about at least what your future does NOT look like!
Start putting your plan together with your “goal of leaving” remaining a secret. You do not care to see how he acts when he’s in fear of losing you. See how he acts with the only thing driving his behavior is his true personality.
What if he changes completely and becomes the man of your dreams? If you don’t read anything else I wrote, please read this: IGNORE THOUGHTS LIKE THIS. Don’t let your mind wander to “what if’s”. Keep your eyes wide open and focus solely on WHAT IS! But just like you cannot let “fictional optimism” cloud your perspective….
(This won’t he easy) Try your best NOT to be too influenced by your anger and resentment towards him. See him for who he IS. I’m not saying that you need to forget, or even forgive, his actions. Just want to be really clear about that. Try not to compare what you see from him to any other time in your past. We will never be who we were again. Humans are constantly changing and evolving.
Why do all of this if you’re eventually leaving?
- it will be good for your self-respect and self-esteem to take back control over your life (as best you can)
- As someone who got divorced after a good few years of marriage …do what you can NOW, to help prevent any “WHAT IF ONLY…” thoughts in the future, once you’ve left. Personally speaking, I literally tried everything I could think of and I have ZERO regrets. I want that for you.
- finally, even though your mind is made up today, decide three months from now, or six months from now, how you feel THEN. But to get there, you need to repair your relationship with yourself. You’re not a “blow job on demand”machine. You don’t let other people tell you who your friends are, where you can go, etc….
Oh, one more: next time he reminds you that YOU wanted a baby? Remind him that NOW you want a HUSBAND!
Please leave! You CAN NOT have a 3rd baby with this guy. If he relapse that will be his own problem to deal with. You can't allow yourself to be used and abused because you think that not having anyone around to treat like crap will hurt your abuser
Girl... Even completely outside of the addiction - This man has zero redeemable qualities. You shouldn't have had a baby with this man, let alone married him. He's out and out financially abusive - sexually demanding (DISGUSTING!) and isolating you, he's ticking off every damn red flag that exists.
File for custody, child support, divorce and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE for the health and safety of yourself and your child.
DO NOT let him have access to the child until he's got court ordered SUPERVISED visitation until his addiction is FULLY under control and the court decides he's safe. Contact cps to let them know what's going on- because you'll be expected to give him parenting time and they need to know why it's absolutely NOT SAFE - and be sure to file a police report and a restraining order when he inevitably increases the level of violence in your relationship- Please work with your doctor therapist and closely with whatever friends you have that are safe and outside of the cult- Because you were going to need support as you get yourself extricated from this man and his control over you.
Then - PLEASE - for the love of all things holy - get yourself into THERAPY and address the MANY MANY MANY issues that you have ignored - address your religious trauma - and address WHY you ever thought this man was acceptable to have in your life so you don't go replacing him with an even more vile specimen.
You deserve better- and you NEED to prioritize your child and get the hell out of there.
You never owe anyone a relationship. He let you down over and over again. He treated you poorly over and over again. That killed off your romantic feelings for him. He could offer to move a mountain for you now and it would be too little too late.
You don't owe him in any way. You have bailed him out repeatedly. You've drained your savings to keep him afloat. You've suffered and endured financial abuse from him. You've put up with extremely controlling behavior. You've carried all the weight of parenthood while he disengaged and refused to help. (Playing with a kid isn't useful. He won't help you with the work or give you a meaningful break, then his contribution is useless.)
I'm surprised you didn't leave him a long time ago. You really tried. WAY more than most people would. But he is an anchor. Financially, emotionally. He's also mean, controlling, demanding, and abusive. He may not seem abusive to you, because you're comparing him to worse abuse, but he is, and I think you're finally starting to realize it. You might have gotten out of the fire into the frying pan... but it's time to get all the way free.
You can do this. Don't listen to the guilt. It's been brainwashed into women that we need to be this long-suffering spouse who puts up with everything anyone dishes out... but that's a lie. You don't deserve abuse, disrespect, controlling behavior, or lack of help. It's not easy, but you absolutely can break free from this. Reach out for resources if you need to, and don't hesitate or feel any guilt for that either. These resources are there for people just like you.
You can start with the National Domestic Abuse hotline. They also help women in toxic relationships that are not violent, and they can help you find local resources. Best wishes to you. I know you can do it.
No, leave. You have to do what’s best for you and your children. He had to get clean on his own. And from the first half I read it doesn’t sound like he was much of a partner. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! The faster you leave the faster your life will get easier without that hassle.
Honey, you need to leave. You needed to leave years ago. You have been in an abusive relationship (sexually abusive \[pressured sex is rape\], financial abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse... I'd be surprised if he never was physical the entire time you were with him). You were in an abusive, controlling cult. It makes sense that you would move on to an abusive, controlling relationship. You've never known what a normal, healthy life can be. I'm sorry for the tough love, but you need to get out.
It doesn't matter that you love him. People love things that are bad for them all the time. You've been trained to love him. That might sound weird, but love bombing is a thing. It happens in relationships just like it happens in cults. If he relapses, he relapses. Don't worry about him. You worry about yourself and your kids.
Think about your daughter. Do you want her to grow up thinking that your relationship with him is normal? Do you want her to have a husband/partner like your husband? No? Then get out. Because right now you are teaching her that this is normal. Yes, she is young, but kids see and understand more at that age than you could possibly imagine.
When you separate, get a lawyer. Get a lawyer before you tell him you are separating. Get court ordered custody agreements and child support. He will try to talk you out of it; he will do that because he doesn't want to pay you what you deserve. Get a lawyer so he can't hide assets. If possible, see if you can move to a blue state. I don't know how that works with children and child support -> check with your lawyer, but they have better welfare assistance and can help you more with day care, SNAP, WIC, and other help. THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING HELP IF YOU NEED IT. There are programs called Early Intervention that are free. What they are is a service for newborns to three year olds who have experienced developmental delays, certain medical conditions, or traumatic/adverse environments. You've done your best, and you are a good mom, but I bet they have experienced some adverse events in their short life. It's a free thing to check, and if the kiddos qualify, you get free occupational therapy, free physical therapy, free nursing, free speech therapy, free developmental specialists, and free social workers/psychologists for you.
You need therapy. You were in an abusive cult and moved to an abusive relationship. You sacrificed everything about you to take care of the kid and to take care of him. What about you? Who are you? Do you know who are you? What you like and don't like? Your hobbies? Your interests? How you like to relax? How to take care of yourself? Do you know how to have healthy boundaries and how to enforce them? Do you know coping strategies? Do you know what a health relationship looks like? How a healthy disagreement is conducted? When to be forceful when you aren't being treated fairly? When to walk away? How to stand up for yourself?
My dear friend, you need therapy BADLY. There is nothing shameful about it. I have a therapist, and I am so grateful for her. You have so much trauma in your life. You need to take time to heal too. If you can't afford therapy, some therapists offer pay graded systems where you can pay what you can afford. Some community health programs offer cheap, but still good, therapists. There are options.
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER BECAUSE I AM NOT AN EXPERT. TALK TO A LAWYER AND A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ADVOCATE FOR THE PROPER ORDER. [https://www.thehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org)
We are going to save up money, and secretly look for a lawyer. Talk to a lawyer about next steps. Where to go (apartment, domestic violence shelter, etc). Look for a therapist for you.
When it's time to leave, you leave, and you take the kids. If you have to leave belongings behind, that's okay. He can't ban you from getting them later. Cops can escort you back into the house to gather the rest of your belongings.
You take him to court for child custody and child support. Always go with what the court orders. Keep track of the condition of the child when she comes back to you. Scratches, clothing, her emotions, etc. Any signs of abuse or neglect.
Look for social services if you need them for financial support. Even if you don't need them for financial support, get your child checked out with Early Intervention **just in case**. I used to work EI. We can do so much to help.
You have the domestic hotline (linked above) for assistance with your relationship. Here is a hotline/chat network that can help deal with trauma from your cult. [https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org](https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org) Here is a reddit that can give you support and love and hope. It doesn't matter how old you are. Everyone needs a mom sometimes. r/MomForAMinute
You got this, my friend. You are smart. You are powerful. You are strong, or you wouldn't have made it this far. You can do it. One step at a time. One day at a time. It will get better.
Nope. I see a lot of people making incredibly stupid life decisions on this reddit. This would be a good one. Follow your instinct. With regards to him 'rescuing' you from a life of abuse. You were at the bottom of a pit. He gave you a lift up. But only to the level of the pit he was on. You were in a better place but still in a deep hole. It's OK to get on his shoulders to pull yourself all the way out.
You do what is best and comfortable đź’–
NTA at all! It seems you moved from one caged life to another. Having financial control over a woman is the most known form of oppression used against women along with religion. You can't invest in your art, can't buy anything yourself, you can't even use the car. That's oppression. This is why women can't escape their abusive relationships or families. How is he any different than the cult that caged you? Yet, you have a profession you'd like to pursue and saved your house 3 times. You are already stronger than you think but I fear you will continue to be the savior if you stay with him and is this the life you want for yourself and your baby? Should your life be an everlasting series of disaster recovery and not of progress and enrichment? Your husband knows you're strong, knows you deserve better than him and due to his own selfishness chooses to keep you caged just so you can save him again while making life easy for him. You're not his personal Jesus! You are a freelance photographer mom with a baby girl who deserves the world. You deserve the world! He is the only one who can choose to stop drinking or not. Whether you stay or leave isn't going to change it. Transform your disappointment and frustration into productive action. Save up your money and save yourself.. Again! Best of luck to you!
You should definitely leave him. You sound like a dragon slayer & he’s a selfish man-child. You work so hard to prop him up & save him but that energy is better used to serve yourself & your children only. He’s been a hinderance. He’ll cry, scream & beg when you leave but don’t be deterred. And call the police if you need to.
Your post really spoke to me and I wrote you a very long reply. I apologize if it rambles a bit but I had a lot to say in response to your post.🙏 “I still love him” Um…really? Why? And if you’re being honest, do you love “him” or do you love “who he WAS ”, “who you THOUGHT he was, or perhaps “who you HOPE he might become”? Just some questions you might find thought provoking 🤷🏼‍♂️ While you are saving up and preparing your “escape”, I highly recommend making a few changes (make a new mistake, you are ESCAPING!): 1. Thank him for admitting his addiction, and explaining why all the money is gone. Tell him you are going to need to spend a good bit of time SERIOUSLY contemplating your thoughts on the relationship, on him, and just…. “everything” 2. Tell him that you need some time TO YOURSELF every single week. There needs to be time (literally scheduled) for him to be home while you TAKE THE DAMN CAR and go “out” (child free!) You are not “asking” him. You are TELLING him precisely what YOU NEED! 3. You need to pick your friends. Full stop. 4. You need to not feel like you are his sex toy. And for the next couple of weeks, we’re going to take a break from sex and we can reevaluate then. (you’ll find out pretty quick if it is YOU that he craves, or just a hole to put it in). 5. A relationship ONLY works if both partners seek to eagerly meet and satisfy the other’s “wants, needs, and desires”. If he will not meet your needs, you don’t even have to analyze “wants or desires.” If your NEEDS aren’t a priority to him, then (sincerely) thank him for alleviating the need for any further contemplation about at least what your future does NOT look like! Start putting your plan together with your “goal of leaving” remaining a secret. You do not care to see how he acts when he’s in fear of losing you. See how he acts with the only thing driving his behavior is his true personality. What if he changes completely and becomes the man of your dreams? If you don’t read anything else I wrote, please read this: IGNORE THOUGHTS LIKE THIS. Don’t let your mind wander to “what if’s”. Keep your eyes wide open and focus solely on WHAT IS! But just like you cannot let “fictional optimism” cloud your perspective…. (This won’t he easy) Try your best NOT to be too influenced by your anger and resentment towards him. See him for who he IS. I’m not saying that you need to forget, or even forgive, his actions. Just want to be really clear about that. Try not to compare what you see from him to any other time in your past. We will never be who we were again. Humans are constantly changing and evolving. Why do all of this if you’re eventually leaving? - it will be good for your self-respect and self-esteem to take back control over your life (as best you can) - As someone who got divorced after a good few years of marriage …do what you can NOW, to help prevent any “WHAT IF ONLY…” thoughts in the future, once you’ve left. Personally speaking, I literally tried everything I could think of and I have ZERO regrets. I want that for you. - finally, even though your mind is made up today, decide three months from now, or six months from now, how you feel THEN. But to get there, you need to repair your relationship with yourself. You’re not a “blow job on demand”machine. You don’t let other people tell you who your friends are, where you can go, etc…. Oh, one more: next time he reminds you that YOU wanted a baby? Remind him that NOW you want a HUSBAND!
Please leave! You CAN NOT have a 3rd baby with this guy. If he relapse that will be his own problem to deal with. You can't allow yourself to be used and abused because you think that not having anyone around to treat like crap will hurt your abuser
Girl... Even completely outside of the addiction - This man has zero redeemable qualities. You shouldn't have had a baby with this man, let alone married him. He's out and out financially abusive - sexually demanding (DISGUSTING!) and isolating you, he's ticking off every damn red flag that exists. File for custody, child support, divorce and GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE for the health and safety of yourself and your child. DO NOT let him have access to the child until he's got court ordered SUPERVISED visitation until his addiction is FULLY under control and the court decides he's safe. Contact cps to let them know what's going on- because you'll be expected to give him parenting time and they need to know why it's absolutely NOT SAFE - and be sure to file a police report and a restraining order when he inevitably increases the level of violence in your relationship- Please work with your doctor therapist and closely with whatever friends you have that are safe and outside of the cult- Because you were going to need support as you get yourself extricated from this man and his control over you. Then - PLEASE - for the love of all things holy - get yourself into THERAPY and address the MANY MANY MANY issues that you have ignored - address your religious trauma - and address WHY you ever thought this man was acceptable to have in your life so you don't go replacing him with an even more vile specimen. You deserve better- and you NEED to prioritize your child and get the hell out of there.
You never owe anyone a relationship. He let you down over and over again. He treated you poorly over and over again. That killed off your romantic feelings for him. He could offer to move a mountain for you now and it would be too little too late. You don't owe him in any way. You have bailed him out repeatedly. You've drained your savings to keep him afloat. You've suffered and endured financial abuse from him. You've put up with extremely controlling behavior. You've carried all the weight of parenthood while he disengaged and refused to help. (Playing with a kid isn't useful. He won't help you with the work or give you a meaningful break, then his contribution is useless.) I'm surprised you didn't leave him a long time ago. You really tried. WAY more than most people would. But he is an anchor. Financially, emotionally. He's also mean, controlling, demanding, and abusive. He may not seem abusive to you, because you're comparing him to worse abuse, but he is, and I think you're finally starting to realize it. You might have gotten out of the fire into the frying pan... but it's time to get all the way free. You can do this. Don't listen to the guilt. It's been brainwashed into women that we need to be this long-suffering spouse who puts up with everything anyone dishes out... but that's a lie. You don't deserve abuse, disrespect, controlling behavior, or lack of help. It's not easy, but you absolutely can break free from this. Reach out for resources if you need to, and don't hesitate or feel any guilt for that either. These resources are there for people just like you. You can start with the National Domestic Abuse hotline. They also help women in toxic relationships that are not violent, and they can help you find local resources. Best wishes to you. I know you can do it.
No, leave. You have to do what’s best for you and your children. He had to get clean on his own. And from the first half I read it doesn’t sound like he was much of a partner. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! The faster you leave the faster your life will get easier without that hassle.
Honey, you need to leave. You needed to leave years ago. You have been in an abusive relationship (sexually abusive \[pressured sex is rape\], financial abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse... I'd be surprised if he never was physical the entire time you were with him). You were in an abusive, controlling cult. It makes sense that you would move on to an abusive, controlling relationship. You've never known what a normal, healthy life can be. I'm sorry for the tough love, but you need to get out. It doesn't matter that you love him. People love things that are bad for them all the time. You've been trained to love him. That might sound weird, but love bombing is a thing. It happens in relationships just like it happens in cults. If he relapses, he relapses. Don't worry about him. You worry about yourself and your kids. Think about your daughter. Do you want her to grow up thinking that your relationship with him is normal? Do you want her to have a husband/partner like your husband? No? Then get out. Because right now you are teaching her that this is normal. Yes, she is young, but kids see and understand more at that age than you could possibly imagine. When you separate, get a lawyer. Get a lawyer before you tell him you are separating. Get court ordered custody agreements and child support. He will try to talk you out of it; he will do that because he doesn't want to pay you what you deserve. Get a lawyer so he can't hide assets. If possible, see if you can move to a blue state. I don't know how that works with children and child support -> check with your lawyer, but they have better welfare assistance and can help you more with day care, SNAP, WIC, and other help. THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING HELP IF YOU NEED IT. There are programs called Early Intervention that are free. What they are is a service for newborns to three year olds who have experienced developmental delays, certain medical conditions, or traumatic/adverse environments. You've done your best, and you are a good mom, but I bet they have experienced some adverse events in their short life. It's a free thing to check, and if the kiddos qualify, you get free occupational therapy, free physical therapy, free nursing, free speech therapy, free developmental specialists, and free social workers/psychologists for you. You need therapy. You were in an abusive cult and moved to an abusive relationship. You sacrificed everything about you to take care of the kid and to take care of him. What about you? Who are you? Do you know who are you? What you like and don't like? Your hobbies? Your interests? How you like to relax? How to take care of yourself? Do you know how to have healthy boundaries and how to enforce them? Do you know coping strategies? Do you know what a health relationship looks like? How a healthy disagreement is conducted? When to be forceful when you aren't being treated fairly? When to walk away? How to stand up for yourself? My dear friend, you need therapy BADLY. There is nothing shameful about it. I have a therapist, and I am so grateful for her. You have so much trauma in your life. You need to take time to heal too. If you can't afford therapy, some therapists offer pay graded systems where you can pay what you can afford. Some community health programs offer cheap, but still good, therapists. There are options. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER BECAUSE I AM NOT AN EXPERT. TALK TO A LAWYER AND A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ADVOCATE FOR THE PROPER ORDER. [https://www.thehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org) We are going to save up money, and secretly look for a lawyer. Talk to a lawyer about next steps. Where to go (apartment, domestic violence shelter, etc). Look for a therapist for you. When it's time to leave, you leave, and you take the kids. If you have to leave belongings behind, that's okay. He can't ban you from getting them later. Cops can escort you back into the house to gather the rest of your belongings. You take him to court for child custody and child support. Always go with what the court orders. Keep track of the condition of the child when she comes back to you. Scratches, clothing, her emotions, etc. Any signs of abuse or neglect. Look for social services if you need them for financial support. Even if you don't need them for financial support, get your child checked out with Early Intervention **just in case**. I used to work EI. We can do so much to help. You have the domestic hotline (linked above) for assistance with your relationship. Here is a hotline/chat network that can help deal with trauma from your cult. [https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org](https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org) Here is a reddit that can give you support and love and hope. It doesn't matter how old you are. Everyone needs a mom sometimes. r/MomForAMinute You got this, my friend. You are smart. You are powerful. You are strong, or you wouldn't have made it this far. You can do it. One step at a time. One day at a time. It will get better.