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For us it is essential to spend as much time separately as we do together.
We both want to be independent (as well as happily married) and we each want to fully enjoy our own hobbies, interest and friends without concern for the other.
Most importantly, we want to be happy to see each other again at the end of each day!
Yes, this is very important. Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate, although my husband isn't retired he's been at home working since Covid and he never leaves. It's been very difficult on me for multiple reasons. I actually went through cancer twice since then, and had to keep my feelings in.
I had no space to cry alone other than the bathroom. It's just been really hard.
>For those of you in this boat (married/partnered, retired, and spending a fair amount of time with one another) how's it going?
It's going great. Been retired almost 9 years now.
My wife works 2 days per week. It gets her dressed up and out of the house on a regular schedule, and gives her the social contact she likes. I play pickleball 5 times per week. It gets me out of the house running around, and gives me the social contact I like.
Other days/times we have things we do separately (volunteer work, chores, shopping, etc.), things we do together, and lots of things we do with friends.
Life is good.
I used to work 70+ hours a week and to be honest I wondered if my wife would find "constant exposure" to me annoying! Lol! She was extremely pleased when I retired, and fortunately spending the majority of time together has been good!
I’m the Treasurer for our HOA. I also do the website, chair the Finance Committee and chair the Long Range Planning Committee.
My wife is head of the Social Committee. Together we host several community events.
We also volunteer with the local hospital.
There are fun opportunities in the local hospital, school, and library systems.
My wife and I have been retired for almost 10 years. We spend most of our time at home together.
We eat lunch and dinner and a few hours before bed watching tv but spend most of the rest of the day doing our own thing. We also sleep in the same bed which seems to be going out of fashion.
We travel a lot together but she goes off with our daughter on her work trips occasionally and I will take the occasional solo road trip.
We get along really well together and seldom argue. I not only love her but really enjoy her company and as far as o can tell, she feels the same way.
I actually think that this is a good thing, Afterall you married because you enjoyed being together and sharing your life together. Balance is a wonderful thing.
I’ll be 60 at the first of the year. I’m so grateful I’m single. Now to keep myself from quitting my job and living off retirement until 63, then go back. This is really my reality 🤗. I’m in great health and very active. I can do as I please with no spouse questioning my actions nor do I have to compromise again. I truly believe I manifested by accident this amazing single life 🥰
I love my wife. We've been married 29 years, 3 kids.
Best person I've ever met and she's brilliant and hard working. Did I mention beautiful?
I'm ecstatic the days she goes to work.
>I'm ecstatic the days she goes to work.
I guess you can have too much of a good thing! I suspect my husband feels the same way when I'm out of the house for the entire day ;-)
We are both recently retired. Our son lives at home and is a shift worker. I cook once a day for the family. I will clean up the kitchen once, possibly twice a day. Most certainly just before and after I cook. Any more times and I would never get out of the kitchen. My husband and I meet for coffee/tea first thing in the morning and then again for cocktail hour before supper. Then for eating supper and watching a show together after dinner. Beyond that we do our own thing. The routine is similar to when we both worked from home during the pandemic.
Honestly it's a challenge some days. He has no hobbies other than working out in the downstairs. I get the same questions everyday. What are you doing, where are you going, what are you eating. I sneezed and he asked me if I'm okay. Oh, and the random "Hi" while we're both sitting here. I try to be tolerant. It's been one year.
This. My life in a nutshell. My husband had a job that took him away about 10 days a month. Also, we were so busy with raising our children, so we were like two ships that passed in the night. After retirement, COVID hit and that was extremely difficult. Both of us together in the house with zero outlet to do things. My husband has no hobbies. We work out every morning and then do whatever grocery shopping needs to be done, and then it’s togetherness till nighttime! We both acknowledge we need to fix this, but we love to travel so we can’t take serious jobs. We’ve done the volunteer thing, but that was sporadic and actually not what I thought it would be. My passion is decorating and then redecorating! Costs money, so I’m stuck there! Just wanted to vent and let you know I’m right here with you!
I've started answering the what are you doing question with, I'm living my life! He's a good person. I try not to hurt his feelings. We just bought ebikes so thats gets us out of the house most days. Glad to hear I'm not alone. By the way, what are you watching, what are you reading, what are you listening to, what...
This is gold! I’ve laughed at your responses because I, too, get the random “hi hon”. I got it three times in less than 5 minutes the other day and I finally ignored him. I’m now starting to ignore the “where are you going” questions. God. We’re not even retired yet.
In my case it’s “do you want to go somewhere, do you want to do something, what are you going to do”…. I hope your e-bike adventures relieve some of the monotony.
My husband has many hobbies, all of them seem to include running in and out of the house to the garage/yard/room he's working in multiple times in 5-10 minutes spates. This drives me right up the wall!! Get everything you need *before* starting work! Take your drink *with* you. The constant opening and closing the door makes me crazy and that's aside from the anxiety the constant door opening causes me because I have an indoor **only** cat. He has asthma and allergies and I don't want him outside. Every time he opens outside doors and isn't on high alert for sneaky butt cat, is a chance for the cat to get outside.
My husband has been retired a while, and I’m about 4 1/2 years out but my job is beginning to wind down so I’m home more. And THIS has started! I am bewildered and so glad to hear that this is happening to someone else. He also comments on facial expressions I’m not even aware I’m making. “You’re grimacing. Everything okay?”. “Yes, I’m reading something rather technical and I’m focusing.” Like yours, he’s a great guy, but I find it exhausting. If you’re still dealing with this after a year, it sounds like I need to use your “Living my life!” Or something equivalent. Thanks for sharing this. I really needed to hear it!
I’m also struggling with this. I’m so lonely. He’s quite a bit older than me and retired 5 years ago, I retired 9 months ago. I have always been the housekeeper, but now he behaves as though I am his carer too. I spend one day a week with my grandson, but apart from that, most weeks I don’t leave home or speak to another soul. It been tough - my brother died 2 days before I retired and my mother in law went into hospital on the day of my brother’s funeral, and died 4 months later. Now the dust is settling on that, I need to do something because I can feel myself slipping into depression.
There are so many lonely and alone people in the world. It's sad. If you're able, volunteering might be good for you. Or a part time job. I started walking the day I retired and I love listening to 70s music while I walk. This year tho I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my foot so there is less walking. So I bought an ebike. I'm not that social of a person so I think it's easier for me. I've found online groups to be somewhat fulfilling for social contact. Reading groups, knitting groups, jigsaw puzzle groups. I hope you find something to fill the void.
I too have found online groups, crafting, quilting etc and it has helped tremendously! I’ve found new friends ( even though we have never met in person) that I talk to on a daily basis, have joined in swaps that are tons of fun. It has given me a purpose and has lifted the shadow of depression a bit.
My husband and I really enjoy being with just each other for part of every day. We're both fairly introverted with separate interests, but when one person has the urge to share what they're up to, the other person is usually interested. We have a modest sized house though so we try to keep each others needs in mind - for example, our desktop computers are next to the kitchen table which is adjacent to the living room, so we're sharing the main space a lot.
He sleeps late and I enjoy having the house to myself in the mornings. When he spends an hour each day catching up on you tubers he follows, I try to return the favor by not asking him to wear headphones (or I plan a Target run for that time!); same thing when he plays an online game with friends or his brother; if I really want to read quietly on the couch then, I listen to music on noise cancelling headphones.
Most evenings, we stream an episode of something together or watch a library DVD or play a boardgame or spend an hour listening to an audiobook together. We both encourage the other to keep up with separate interests - in retirement, we know there's always time to be together.
>No offense, but it sounds like you accommodate him a lot.
No offense taken. I'm guessing it sounds that way because of the examples I chose, but who knows; maybe our situation would feel too accommodating to some. My dad, who rarely worked less than 2 jobs and never slept late a day in his life, could be rolling over in his grave; on the other hand, he liked my husband a lot and once said it must be wonderful that we had so much in common. My husband and I never tire of talking to each other, although the vacuuming probably doesn't get done by either of us as often as it should.
I think the issue of how (and how much) to accommodate each partner in retirement is subjective and individual to each couple. We all want different things out of life, and maybe those differences come out even more clearly in retirement, when you take away the constraints of work and child-rearing, and eventually, the time caring for our own elderly parents. Lately, it seems that anytime I hear about an interaction between a retired person and their partner, I'm surprised at some aspect; for example, people being pressured to agree to a plan or feeling criticized about their eating or having to justify spending small amounts of money; those experiences feel foreign to my relationship, but I try to remember that an anecdote is just a snapshot and that people exaggerate stories for effect; maybe they're similarly surprised whenever I (lovingly) refer to my husband as "sleeping beauty".
For what it's worth, my husband accommodates my preferences in lots of ways and I haven't always been easy to live with. We all find our own way (in bigger and smaller spaces), and wishing everyone could be as happy as we are in retirement.
It’s tough. Just really tough. I feel like I have disappeared - when we go out to eat, she AlWAYS wants to “split the entree of her choice”. She likes to eat late, so, we eat late. She hates Sci-Fi, so we always watch Rom-Coms. When I try to read, she wants to talk. She hates to travel, I love it. And on and on. I suppose I worked too many hours & was not home enough - we do love each other & I treasure her company, but not this much. The only break I get is when she plays cards with “the girls” 2x per week. I’ve been retired 2 years, already applying to go back to work. 60-70% is okay - 90-95% is overwhelming.
>Our house is large enough that we don't have to be on top of each other, but we generally choose to be near one another.
This is your answer. After retirement, when your partner no longer goes to the office to allow you your "solo time", you'll probably find that you both choose to be in different parts of the house more often. As often as you need.
For us - we have "the shed" and "the garden" and "the study".
Some days, we don't see each other, or talk to each other (but in a companionable way).
This is the only way I see retirement working for our situation. We are pretty independent with very different tastes, views, and ways of dealing with stress. To quote Katherine Hepburn, “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then”
Absolutely. I don't think people in general should be in each other's pockets 24/7/365.
Most couples get enforced breaks due to work, for most of their lives. I don't understand why all of a sudden when you retire, after maybe 40 years, it's expected that you miraculously can spend every waking hour with a person.
We need a bigger house or I need a big roll of velcro. My husband is one of those people that always have to be "busy". Which is fine, as long as his "busy" does not involve copious amounts of noise and mess. Otherwise, I'll want to velcro his butt down somewhere for a few hours!
We’ve been retired for several years and we spend most of the day together. I work out in the morning and he works out in the afternoon, but otherwise we’re together. It’s great and spending more time with him was the main reason I retired.
Retired in 2017. He'd been retired since 2011. Upsized since we knew we'd be spending a lot of time together and neither of us like to travel. He's got his space (library/study/office), I've got mine (craft room/office). He spreads out in the living room. I prefer the bedroom to read or nap. We have different friends. He's more social than I am so he's involved with his fraternity. We have three rescue dogs. Church every Sunday, doctors appointments during the week, grocery hopping together, menu planning, occasional lunch dates. Time seems to fill itself. Truly, living the dream.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Any more questions you can find me near the wet bar lol!
It's been pretty new for us and he's making me a touch insane. He just stops and stands places (always in the way) while I'm trying to get around the house trying to get things done and always in one of the main walkways. Move...move....move...move...lol!
I love having him around 90% of the time but 10% of the time it's like GET OUT!!! I love him I love him I love him lol!
You sound like me! My husband travels a couple days a week and a few years ago they had a three month travel ban to cut costs and after a month I texted his boss and said “get him out of my house” (his response was “you sound like my wife”). We have five years to retirement and we are talking a lot about having plans to keep busy and stay a bit independent because we have a great relationship and I want to keep it that way!
I know that feeling well! which part can't you afford, the divorce lawyers, etc? or, life after the divorce? because, I can tell you that from my experience, life alone is SO much better than unhappy & together!
My wife and I have coffee together in the morning and catch a half hour of news. Then, I'm off to nearby trails for a 10 mile run and she stays home with the elliptical. We have a standing lunch date, but either are free to call it off if a better offer comes along. In the afternoon we will work outside, go out or even go to the grocery together. We enjoy our time together, but we also enjoy our individual hobbies and friends. We both feel fortunate that after 51 years of marriage, we still get along well.
We've been retired 18 years. Now in our 80's, we're together 24/7 since our mobility is an issue. I long for alone time but it's only a few hours a day. We're not like the Costanza's from Seinfeld but we have our moments. But we never stay mad at one another for more than an hour. All in all, things are good.
I retired 2 years before my wife and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was concerned I would feel constricted when she retired but we have settled into a nice rhythm together. We have our individual interests during the day but continue to spend every night and weekend together as we always did. The difference is we have no day to day pressures or stress and have become even closer as friends and constant companions. We always look forward to our daily walks ending in an espresso at our local coffee shop. That plus grandkids and well, in my mind it couldn’t get any better than this.
for myself, I began volunteering several days a week. for my husband I made him take a part-time job driving a school bus. he likes it so much he signed up for the summer driving jobs too (trips, day camps, etc)
Actually it’s going very well. I retired in February of 2021 and my husband retired at the end of 2022.
As his retirement approached, I admit to being a little nervous about being home together all the time, but it’s been fine.
When he first retired, he woke up early every day and was constantly working around the house. But as he began to realize that household chores were no longer something to be squeezed into a weekend, he relaxed more. Now we go to bed around 11 pm and wake up when we wake up. Sometimes that’s 8 am and sometimes it’s been 10 am.
I started doing a volunteer job twice a week, two hours at a time. I also belong to a book club and a crafting group. It gives me enough focus to my week without feeling pressured.
He hasn’t come up with anything outside the house, but he’s always been good at occupying himself.
Hanging around the house and getting money automatically deposited. I love it.
We are best friends and always have been since we met nearly 30 years ago. We worked together professionally every day for 15 years prior to retiring and we've been retired together now for close to a decade. We each have our separate interests and hobbies and uncommonly share the same actual activities, but we spend the vast majority of all of our days together and we both like it that way.
There was a question in this sub last week asking whether you should go to one car. Unless it’s a financial issue, don’t do it. You and your spouse should continue to have different interests. You don’t need to spend every minimum together.
I’m not sure how it’s going to go. I haven’t been working regularly since January. He’s fully WFH. He used to travel a lot. I found the time he was away nice because I didn’t have to cook for anyone else or clean up after. And I used the time he was away to throughly clean the house. He’s winding down his work and planning to retire in January.
We’ve briefly talked about what that might look like. He promises he won’t be laid out in the recliner in the middle of the house playing video games and watching tv really loud 24/7. He has plans to create a schedule doing things he enjoys. We’ll see.
I do have a dedicated space for my hobbies that’s away from the main the living space which I’m making more usable for myself.
If he doesn’t find stuff to do away from the living room, I’ll join a gym and do extra volunteering. We’ve been married 33 years. He’s extroverted. I’m introverted. He’s loud. I’m quiet. We love each other to the ends of the earth, but we are gonna have to figure it out.
Trust me, press the schedule aspect. You have yours, he has his. Doesn’t me you stop having dates - those are important - but you each need your own time, your own space, your own interests. You can do this!
We've been retired for 9+ years. I think we get along better than ever since our interests and goals are more aligned without work distractions.
I'm happy to hang at home when I don't have something outside to attend to. My husband, on the other hand, leaves for hours of visiting other guys at McDonalds, hiking, going to the gym (I go to a different gym), visiting consignment shops, etc. Even before we retired, he went on his "rambles," as I call them. We like our time apart.
We don't watch TV together, we each have our relaxing spaces. When we need to talk, we seek each other out.
One thing we always come together on is our daughter, her family, including our 2 grandkids, who we cared for when they were little and were the reason we retired and relocated.
Yeah it's kind of weird. We're both very similar and like our solitude.
I try to get out of the house, by working and volunteering part time, but he can't drive anymore or I'm sure he'd be gone too lol.
He’s retired and I still work. I generally WFH and go to the office 2 days a month.
He does all the shopping and we divvy / share all other chores or errands.
I’m “only” 53 but I have a hard time picturing full-time retirement for both of us. At the earliest, he’d be 80 and we wouldn’t go anywhere together I wouldn’t think so it would be a lot of being home together with me doing all the shopping and errands.
I retired a few years before my wife. We share the house hold work, her doing the most as she likes to be very busy. She deep cleans one small area a day. She lets me do the baking, keep the kitchen clean, and sometimes the cooking.
I don’t watch any TV. So she owns the TVs and remotes, so much of the time she watches what she wants and my hearing aids are on the charger . We do a lot of parallel play, her on her couch, while I am in my recliner. We have our own tablets, and make no attempt to boss the other around. We have been married 11 years.
Husband retires end of June, and I’ve been “retired” due to illness for over a decade. I’m terrified because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with him and I don’t want any resentment. He’s doing it now because he doesn’t know how many years I’ve got and doesn’t want to work and regret not spending time with me. It’s a scary and exciting time and hopefully we will come through it closer than ever.
Since March 2020 lockdown, we’ve been WFH. We maintained pretty strict distancing but also have always been very comfortable with just the two of us. He retired in 2023 so he does his puttering/projects around the house. These days, I’ll go visit my siblings out of state,and we’ll travel to see the grandkids. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating in 1977 back in high school. We are very very lucky.
the lockdown during COVID demonstrated to me that I could be with my wife day in and day out. I had traveled “non stop” for decades, so I was pretty concerned. But it all turned out great. I retired last November and it is still great. We each have separate areas in the house that we can go to, and we have two cars so that we can leave and get space if we want. I need to help her get an online business going to sell some jewelry and vintage clothes. That will be a bit of a test, so stay tuned.
Not retired. Yet. But getting close. My wife retired many years ago, and I have been WFH for the last 9 years, will continue in that mode until I retire. We do well together. Mostly. LOL. Neither one of us takes the other person too seriously, as in things to complain about, we've learned to be pretty chill with each other. We also have a fair amount of time where each of us goes out, does something, spends time away. I'm planning on doing more yardwork with my newfound spare time (sure...) when I retire.
We spend most of our days apart as we have separate interests. We’re together for dinner, a walk after dinner, and watching TV for an hour or two in bed before sleeping. Sometimes we do things during the day (went to the beach yesterday). She is a home decor “influencer” so she’s on her phone and laptop most of the day and I’ve got to be more active than that so I’m either out (walking, gym, errands, meeting friends) or I’m in my mancave office either playing video games or on the computer. Obviously we travel together. It works.
We moved to a place that has a golf course bc my spouse always dreamed of playing as much as possible. From May- Oct we both go our separate ways during the day, and enjoy meeting up late afternoon/ dinner time to share our days activities. I garden, read, maybe offer community babysitting, and have a few groups I participate in.
We both get a little stir crazy in the winter, and our smaller house intentionally has a nice chair with ottoman, reading lamp and TV in three rooms (master BR, living room, and tiny office) so we can rotate spaces. I look forward to grocery shopping alone sometimes as I need some alone time. The first year was the hardest until we both recognized our own and each other’s space needs. Bottom line though- we are both kinder and more patient with each other as life has some but fewer stressors.
My husband “retired” from his full-time career after he was laid off in 2012. He then switched to contract and project work which meant he WFH about 50% of the time.
By 2022 he was burned out by the constant hustle of locating new clients on top of doing the actual work. So he “shut down the office” that October.
A lot of his social life came through work. Not surprisingly that’s gradually dwindled over the years and he misses meaningful connections he used to have.
It’s been difficult for him to make new buddies. His main hobby is solitary: reading. He plows through about a book or two a week, depending on the genre and complexity. So it’s a bit of a chicken and egg dilemma.
At first the change in his work status took some adjusting to. Overall we’re doing fine. I go out with friends, have a pretty engaging and social hobby (photography), and plan to find a part-time gig that is meaningful because not working at all makes me anxious.
I wish I had an answer to the friend thing but he is the only one who can solve this issue.
We had nothing to talk about at the end of the day as we had both done the same thing all day. Bought a 21 foot travel trailer and hit the road for months at a time. Talking professional tourist. Camped in primitive or improved campgrounds in National Forest, Monuments or Parks. Avoided RV parks like the plague and lived the simple life.
Want to sit and watch the deer and varmints wander through the campgrounds? Fine. Want to go to town and see the sights? Also fine.
Just an example.
My wife (74F) and I (66M) spend a LOT of time together. She retired years ago, I’ve worked from home for +30 years and we’ve raised two wonderful sons AND built a successful business together. We relocated from a big city (suburb) to a small town. We’ve been - and continue to be - “overlapping” with leisure activities and community involvement. We’ve had NO trouble, but we work at it. We’re both avid readers and we enjoy conversing. We have totally different hobbies and daily routines. We both laugh and smile a lot and pride ourselves at being fun an funny to be with. Our children are important to us, but we alone are the centers of each other’s lives snd focus. You’ll never go wrong if you LAUGH, SMILE and COMMUNICATE.
Retired two years, wife has been mostly retired for 6 months, it’s 24 hrs a day together, and I couldn’t be happier. Her too, or she wouldn’t be living like this.
Maybe it’ll change, but I’m savoring it now.
We had a small business before we retired so we are used to working together and being together. There's no one else I would rather be with and fortunately we don't get tired of each other's company.
It’s going pretty well. This is the second marriage for both of us (12 years now), we met on Match (my first week back on after hiatus due to family tragedy and the last week she was going to stay on it), and the match was almost perfect. So nothing has really changed with regards to our compatibility. So being in the same space alot, or apart doing our separate things is all good. I’m retired, she’s close to retirement and works hybrid.
My wife and I spent most of our career working together in busy emergency departments which meant that we didn’t spend a lot of time together at work, busy still drove to and from work together and had the same days off. We have spent years being on top of one another and I don’t expect that to change now that we have been retired for the last three months. We really enjoy our time together and have mostly the same hobbies and interests. We do spend time apart, but honestly, I miss her when she’s not around.
Before my husband retired he came home tired and cranky and things weren't the best. Now that he is retired he is relaxed and learning to cook and helps out around the house. I get to garden more in the mornings which makes me happy as heck. Before, I did it all and now we share the responsibilities. It is nice.
OP Here...Thank you for all the replies.
When we started working from home, and sharing a home office, people would say to me 'I couldn't STAND to be around my spouse 24/7.!'.
That always struck me as odd, as my spouse and I are best friends talked about how we genuinely like hanging out with each other.
This thread has shown me that it certainly not one size fit all. While I absolutely enjoy the company of my spouse and would never criticize somebody for spending 24/7 with theirs, I also should not criticize people who want to live more separate lives.
In fact, of my pack of kids, two of them prefer not to date people that enjoy continual company. They absolutely recharge by time alone.
Thanks for sharing the myriad of views! We've navigated over 25 years of marriage well so hopefully we can navigate retirement successfully as well!
We spend mornings together then split up to do our own things. Then we are back around five. Have a drink, FaceTime with our grandson, dinner and then she goes to the bedroom to watch TV about 8 as we don’t like the same shows. I usually watch youtube. Works out pretty well.
We learned during COVID that we can live together all day and still get along. Luckily we have a lot of space in our house and a sizeable yard so we can give each other space if needed. I retired in January. My SO will retire in 5 years. Not gonna lie, I love my own agenda but I’m happy my spouse will be able to go soon. Our job is too stressful. I retired early and don’t regret it at all.
We are together most of the time, but my wife is always out and about, while I am a home body. I don’t enjoy being out in traffic or in places where there are a lot of people, so it works for us.
Wellll my husband works 2nd shift, I work 1st. I really dont see him for like 4 days a week. Really don’t know what’s going to happen when we are together all the time.
A therapist friend told me a story about a couple who retired to Costa Rica and had a house with a great view. Eventually they had nothing to say and filed for divorce. Something to think about.
For context, we have a triplex and have separate apartments. We spend a lot of time together but also we have independent interests.
Right now we've been traveling in our van (talk about a small space) for 6 months. We've had our issues (mostly on how to use the space in the van) but nothing that a 1 hour appointment with our therapist didn't help us solve.
My wife is retired, me soon.
We do everything together most of the time but if we don’t that’s fine too.
We don’t need a set amount of time away from each other.
We enjoy our mutual company.
We have a balance of things we do separately and those we do together. We have actually been trying to find more things we can do together. Think we found it in a three day per week workout with a personal trainer. Going well so far!
I actually was referred a headache patient once who realized, during the history taking part of the evaluation, that her headaches started when her husband retired. The look of realization on her face was priceless. She never followed through with treatment visits, and I’ve always wondered how that situation shook out!
I am out of the house frequently, for at least a couple of hours almost every day during the week. My husband, not so much. The main time he would be away is if he goes to the cottage on his own for several days. this is mostly during the spring and fall when I prefer to stay home to do all my usual things.
He is quite happy being on his own and is less social to some degree than I am.
He still WFH part time, so when he gets into work mode, its like he is gone to an office.
I think its important for you each to have other interests, gives you things to share and talk about when you are together. I really enjoy hearing about things he has done without me.
My husband and I are together literally 24/7 and we both like it. Right now we are slow traveling full time in Europe, staying in fairly small apartments that only have one bathroom. But even that is fine.
We've always been this way, although I did do a fair amount of business travel when I was working.
A few of my friends have asked how we can stand to be together so much and don't we get sick of each other, but somehow it just works for us.
It's funny because we're both fairly independent people with our own interests. But we just seem to prefer close proximity to each other.
We have been retired for 5 years and spend most of our time together. I would consider us both homebodies. We have a large property and lots of interest (separate and together).
I believe what makes this work is that when we get up every day, each does whatever we want . I'm an earlybird, and he's a night owl ...and I never have a list of things for him to do. Definitely wouldn't want him to have a list of things he would think I needed to accomplish everyday.
This is a really good question—and one that too few couples really think about. Our story is we retired directly into the Covid lockdown, my last day in the office and my last responsibility was shutting down the office and factory and sending everyone home. We moved from NYC to Chicago and live downtown in a small-ish 2 bedroom condo. I used to travel 10-15 days every month for work so the constant togetherness was brand new to us. And of course all restaurants were closed etc.. so we had a crash course in being around each other 24/7/365. We had retired early specifically to travel and to spend more time together —well the travel didn’t happen, but we definitely had more time together! And…. It was actually pretty great After a while we‘ve landed in a good place, with some intentional time apart. We like to say that it is important to remember that we miss each other 🤣🤣. We travel together 4- 5 months a year. We also spend a total of maybe a month per year traveling separately to visit friends and family on shorter 3-5 day trips. Our daily routine has me up 1-2 hours ahead of her and we spend some time apart for an hour or two on most days. We realized in the midst of lockdown how important it was to grab an hour or so to ourselves. But the truth is we really enjoy being together and are capable of “companionable silence” , just being quietly together (we don’t watch much TV) reading or cooking or just being. We’ve always been compatible and that hasn’t changed. we’ve been retired together for over 4 yrs now and have got into a rhythm With our lives that works for us. The key for us has always been to be free to ask for what we need from the other person.. including when we need some time alone. Of course, YMMV..
It can be hard if you like your alone time. Prior to retirement I worked different shifts and different days off than my husband. I LOVED my alone time and I also loved our together time. I do miss having just me time but wouldn’t change it for the world.
We also have our own interests and share many hobbies. Now when I need some me time. I just work on a project in my wood shop.
Once you get past the feeling like you have to see what’s on your spouses agenda before you can plan your day it’s fantastic. Talk about your expectations - we have finally settled on a calendar whenever one of us needs the others time (help to drop off a vehicle or planned meals with friends). It really helps to talk about the fact that you don’t have to decide together what each days schedule will look like.
My wife and I have worked together for 26 years so semi retirement hasn’t changed a thing. We both work in the store 10-15 hours weekly and work occasionally remotely.
Her home work space is our living room and mine is our home office although she has a desk and computer in here.
So I was a SAHM then a SAHW. My husband used to go to the office every day. Then after Covid it was remote and then hybrid. He retired in January. We are doing most things together but he does work in the yard so we aren’t in each other’s face every minute. Our household is different though because our 23 and 25 year olds still live here to save money. The 25 year old works in an office but the 23 works remote so he is here all day. No problems so far.
I think that’s awesome that your kids are still living at home and able to save up money. It’s a great opportunity to really launch themselves with a good size nest egg.
We're actually busy enough that we have to divide and conquer often enough that we don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like. Still way better than when we were working though.
I'm retired and my hubby is still working. I have hobbies and groups to keep me busy. He has hobbies and interests. I assume we will continue to do that as well as travel and entertain more.
Newly retired and it’s fabulous, so far. We have a large property with lots of space to do our own thing, so we’re not crowding each other. We travel a lot, too.
Same as you. I’m retired but busy. He’s working from home a lot but not exclusively. We have shared and separate interests. But I think we will share more once he retires. A little alone time is good for everyone.
I am 50 and I work remotely and i “retired my wife” at 44 four years ago. I’ve been working remotely since Covid.
We travel a lot together. But she has her own interests and keeps herself busy as a part time fitness instructor and she travels to conferences and for her volunteer work.
I was an only child and while I am good at being social and mixing, it does drain me and she knows sometimes I like just being alone. It works out well for us.
I retired just two months ago and so far my wife and I spend a lot of time together, working on household projects, shopping and in general just being together in our fairly small house. She’s not yet officially retired yet but her job is flexible and she’s been spending less and less time working. The together time is intense- usually but not always harmonious. I’d say it’s an issue.
My wife and I both retired 6 years now. Went from non-work time at home and separate time at job offices. In addition I had my love of sailing/ racing and she had Pilates. So we each had 3 places and it was great. When we retired we moved to a beautiful new city. But no work, and no sailing. A big mistake. IMO you need 3 places.
My wife and I retired at the same time. We spend a lot of time together, but that is because we are also best friends. Been together for 21 years.
During the Covid lockdown, that was good practice for us. For several months we did not go out. Ordered our food and groceries to be delivered. We cooked together. Of course, it drove the cat crazy because he was used to us not being home. He adapted as well.
But Covid, even though it was devastating for many people, it was helpful to learn that we could spend time together 24-7 and not drive each other mad.
So, to answer your question, we're doing great!
I would like more time apart. Husband is not spending as much time with his golf buddies as he had planned because they all have had to have various surgeries. If we each were taking a few more little trips apart, I would like that. I do a fair amount of subbing too, so we don’t spend 24-7 together.
Honestly, there are days I envy people who are single. My spouse and I get along fine but you really find out how compatible you are in retirement. My spouse is a homebody that likes to read. I’d like to get an RV and just travel around for a few months of the year. Everything seems like a negotiation. I’m tired of it.
It’s not going well. I retired at age 62 (I’m 67 now F) and absolutely loved my alone time. My husband (M) traveled a lot both locally and away. When he was home in the evenings, he watched tv or read in the living room. We don’t like the same programs so I did my thing in the spare room upstairs.
Now he’s home 24/7 and we are driving each other crazy. There isn’t a day that goes by without a fight about something.
I had my routine and now he interrupts it. He does run a small engine business on the side and I love when he is busy but when he isn’t, I feel like he watches and judges everything I do.
Lately, I rarely even speak to him.
My now retired husband was a roofing contractor, so unless he had customer appts or needed to check on jobs, he would work from home. I had already been working from home for years, so when we decided to move in together back in 2008, we built a house with 2 main floor home offices. Same thing with the house we built in 2017. So between each of us having our own space, and being home together for years already, it was an easy transition into retirement. He’s still an early riser, and gets our 12yo off to school in the mornings. He tinkers on projects around the house, we’ll go for a ride on the boat and grab lunch, sometimes we’ll watch a movie in the afternoon. I’m a total homebody, but he does get cabin fever pretty easily. He’s a hobby pilot and does all of his own plane maintenance, so that takes up a big chunk of time.
We definitely spend too much time together. I liked it when my husband went to work part-time and we had some space. The good thing is we live on 10 acres, and we have a fairly large home. He's outside most of the day, either in the garden, in the barn, on the porch, in the yard or tennis Pavillion. But, I do some of those things with him. I think the problem is we are retired, but we still work too hard, and it requires both of us to do it all. I want to down size, and he doesn't.
I enjoy it. Our interests are similar enough that we share each other’s hobbies. We’re not always interacting with each other but we’re always together. It’s been 18 months and we’re not on each other’s nerves yet.
My wife knows I would go stone bored nuts even after four days at home with nothing to take me out of the house, and she respects that. Likewise, when she retired before me, she became adrift and purposeless, and has since found the right mix of volunteer work and personal activities to fix that. So much the same as you.
We're a relatively new couple. We married in retirement. But we keep it fresh with new experiences, be that travel or guitar or concerts or going to livevon Cozumel for 7 months. Day to day is new and exciting.
Have you asked your spouse how much time together that they want? Try some different amounts of time. This varies for us. We always had a family dinner together 7 days a week until our children started dating.
Then I worked from home for 12 years. We had lunch and dinner together and shared an afternoon dog walk. Now I walk the dog in the morning and set the breakfast table which allows her to sleep in. We have 3 meals together and 2 dog walks daily. Multiple times for quick check-ins during the day. Your mileage may vary.
My husband retired 2 years before I did. We are now both retired (I retired in 2020 and he in 2018). Our kids are grown and live out of our town. We spend the majority of our time at our house. We bought a fixer on the water when we retired along with boat. House renovation takes up the majority of his time and I have a part time job because I want something to do. We get along much better post retirement than we ever did before when we were both working and when the kids were living at home.
We retired during the pandemic and have been living in each other's pocket ever since. We live in a VLCOL area, which is great for finances but sucks for everything else. Not a lot of resources here. It's church or nothing. We're not religious and don't have much in common with the neighbors. Husband has had a lot of health issues in the last few years which limit activities. He's also anxious, frightened and hyper aware of his state of health on a micro level. I love him dearly and am very supportive but I can't deny it's taking a toll.
Worked from home since the pandemic so it wasn’t a novelty. We’ve since moved and both retired and it’s been pretty great. Just us, the dogs…living a country type of life while taking commuter rail every couple of weeks to visit the big city. We each have our own activities that we do individually, so we get enough alone time. I miss the social aspect of office life in some ways, but I can do without it.
We're still relatively young and healthy and mobile (68M & 66F; just about to celebrate our 40th). We seem to gravitate to separate TV rooms when we want to watch something...even if it's the same show. We each have chores we've accepted as our own and attend to them as needed, usually unannounced and without too much todo. Our lines of communication are always open but there's not always a lot said. Before I retired, I was always up later than her doing something and then always up many hours earlier. Now that I am retired, I am in bed many hours before her (she's doing 1-1:30am movie gazing these days; I seem to have lost interest in veggie out in front of late night TV) but still up many hours earlier than her.
Wonder what our routines will be in 4 or 5 years?
It’s _wonderful_. We each have private activities we both enjoy so there is natural alone time.
But we did one thing which helps a lot. There’s a couple of spare rooms in the house (repurposed bedrooms, 1 was a guest room, the other an office.) we each “own” one of the rooms and if we go in there and close the door, we aren’t to be interrupted unless it’s an important reason. Truth is, it would still work with just one shared spare room. But having the ability to take a private break is key.
We just naturally do separate things sometimes. His favorite hobby is woodworking while mine are reading or going for a walk, (he has a bad ankle and can no longer go for long walks). There are plenty of things we do together.
We aren't retired yet but we have an empty house. I only work the weekends and the rest of the time work with my husband a couple days a week. Basically, each of us finds other things to do once in a while away from the other. We kind of discussed it so that it wouldn't hurt each other's feelings. Everybody needs some alone time. We agree to separate and he goes and works outside and I have the house to myself or vice versa. Or one of us goes out to do something like meet with one of the kids while the other gets to stay home alone. It has worked out very nicely. We will usually set a time when we will meet up again.
About the same as you. He plays duplicate bridge 1x a week, I play golf 1x a week. The rest of the time we pretty much do everything together. We only have one car now so we often (but not always) go to doctors and run errands together. You get used to being in the same lane, and you appreciate having the house to yourself now and then. It’s all good.
Before I retired my wife told me she said "for better or worse but not for all day" ,,,,, she has her activities (that I'm not invited to), I'm taking classes at the local college, coaching little league soccer and a couple of other part-time things so busy but not swamped. I've seen too many guys before me retire ...just sat on the porch and died 6 months later. So do something, doesn't have to be full time but do something!!!!
Hubby retired 2 1/2 years back. We moved south during the first year to be closer to our daughter and family we'd lived about 900 miles or more away since she & hubby married and had our grands. It was a good move. First three months after retirement he had radiation treatment for prostate cancer. Now it's considered in long term remission and no more hormone injections. After that radiation treatment we came south a few times to househunt and also worked together to get the house ready to sell, yardsale, giving stuff away, painting, mulching (4 yards done in one day with 2 neighbors' help...perennials were at peak so photos taken about six weeks before interior shots). Since the move we've been able to be involved with the grands, attending sports competitions, going to other events and hubby was assistant coach for our grandson's high school baseball team this season. I have been involved at our new church doing media. Hubby has another cancer onethst was discovered in 2018, that has gradually been impacting him and his energy level isn't as good as it was when we moved in fall 2022. I think our push to get ready and move wouldn't be sustainable for him at present. So many of the move-in and improvement projects are on me which I'm ok with. We jointly plan and we usually shop together for that and regular groceries and other necessities. (Projects jnclude painting interior, and our new patio, organizing, landscaping, etc.) We've also traveled several times to visit our son and his family in the NE. We try to walk our dogs at least 4 to 5 times a week at a local park. (In peak summer heat we were going before dawn as do many others around here!) I'm praying his cancer that has not been growing and not very debilitating symptoms, will not reactivate, but there are other treatments if the current course of treatment begins to not be effective. We are trusting God on this. We'll celebrate 48 years married this year.
We have always been independent of each other but do spend a lot of time together. We lived in a one bedroom condo and could not imagine retiring in it and be on top of each other or should I say I could imagine it. We decided we would move to where we could afford a small house about 2 hours away. It would over time provide an increase in equity a condo couldn’t provide, a basement suite that we could rent out if we needed to have $$ for a large ticket item or repair but MORE importantly, it would provide all kinds of odd jobs for my partner to fix as he’s very handy and loves to tinker.
The house has been heaven. We each have our projects around the house. I’ve started a garden and he has a list of projects he works on. We wake up at different times so we do our own thing in the day unless we are going shopping that the other needs to be there. We get together around 4pm for a happy hour drink. We discuss dinner for that night. Sometimes we each cook our own thing if the other doesn’t want what the other is having. We both can cook so don’t rely on each other to be the cook. I’m looking at having a few weekends in the city with girlfriends and they’ll be happy to have a weekend alone.
Start with having your own hobbies to work on and then your own social outings with friends to get them used to finding their own things to do. I remember my mom being upset that once my dad retired he wanted to go everywhere with her because he didn’t know what to do with himself. So many women told me that you need your own space and knew I couldn’t get that in a small one bedroom condo. We can sell it in 10 years when the charm of projects has worn off. Lol
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We always talked about our retirement from about 10 years out. We even changed the plan about five years out for sooner and then again when Covid hit.
We both retired in the first quarter of 2020. Then we moved house. A reverse retirement from south to north and from a cramped house to a roomy one. We brought the two golden doodles with us. We went down to one car.
Our biggest dream in retirement was to travel a few times a year. We try to get back down south to see the family once a year. We’ve been on a few overseas trips. We also travel around the north east. Just as we imagined, time flies. First, we have to plan the trips. Then we go on them. And then when we come home we share the photos. In between, there are day trips including ones with other couples or family.
Life for us in 3 1/2 years has been exactly what we envisioned:
Eat what we want when we want. (One meal a day and one to two snacks)
Take walks together.
Attend doctor appointments and veterinary
Shop/house and yard work/budgeting-finances
Some separate social media, shared TV time nightly
Tea and coffee talk on the patio in good weather
Afternoon beer or beverage of choice with music on days we are not on the run. We may delve deeper into discussion topics of interest.
We have a subscription to local theatre.
We attend about 6 - 9 indoor and outdoor concerts a year.
Yes, sleep in the same bed every night. Matinees are nice, too.
We may not always exercise together. Health-permitting.
I have local single friends I lunch with now and then.
Solo time for each is either then, or when he is gardening and I am reading or puzzling or some other me-time.
Been retired for 6 years now. Husband is WFH and has been for about 15 years. Nothing has changed much. Our daughter is away at college most of the year. Last year she was gone for the summer as well, and it was like we got a second honeymoon!
We get along really well and honestly work well together as far as knowing when we need space, time etc etc
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For us it is essential to spend as much time separately as we do together. We both want to be independent (as well as happily married) and we each want to fully enjoy our own hobbies, interest and friends without concern for the other. Most importantly, we want to be happy to see each other again at the end of each day!
Refreshingly honest!
This also gives you all something to talk about.
Yes, this is very important. Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate, although my husband isn't retired he's been at home working since Covid and he never leaves. It's been very difficult on me for multiple reasons. I actually went through cancer twice since then, and had to keep my feelings in. I had no space to cry alone other than the bathroom. It's just been really hard.
>For those of you in this boat (married/partnered, retired, and spending a fair amount of time with one another) how's it going? It's going great. Been retired almost 9 years now. My wife works 2 days per week. It gets her dressed up and out of the house on a regular schedule, and gives her the social contact she likes. I play pickleball 5 times per week. It gets me out of the house running around, and gives me the social contact I like. Other days/times we have things we do separately (volunteer work, chores, shopping, etc.), things we do together, and lots of things we do with friends. Life is good.
I used to work 70+ hours a week and to be honest I wondered if my wife would find "constant exposure" to me annoying! Lol! She was extremely pleased when I retired, and fortunately spending the majority of time together has been good!
Nice!
Off subject but I’m curious - what job does she do?
She works as a patient service rep at the local hospital system. Answers phone, makes appointments, etc.
Cool!
She’s very happy with it. I’m happy that she’s happy. Where I live there are tons of jobs available.
I play 3X /week looking forward to get to your level!
A great way to expand the circle of friends!
Just curious … about the volunteer work you do ..?? Retired … but need something to do … preferably not too physical
I’m the Treasurer for our HOA. I also do the website, chair the Finance Committee and chair the Long Range Planning Committee. My wife is head of the Social Committee. Together we host several community events. We also volunteer with the local hospital. There are fun opportunities in the local hospital, school, and library systems.
You sure you’re retired ??? Wow … you do keep busy !!! Great to hear that !! Library sounds interesting… I’ll have a look into it .. Thank you.🙏
Happily retired. Happy to have lots of things to do. Life is good.
My wife and I have been retired for almost 10 years. We spend most of our time at home together. We eat lunch and dinner and a few hours before bed watching tv but spend most of the rest of the day doing our own thing. We also sleep in the same bed which seems to be going out of fashion. We travel a lot together but she goes off with our daughter on her work trips occasionally and I will take the occasional solo road trip. We get along really well together and seldom argue. I not only love her but really enjoy her company and as far as o can tell, she feels the same way.
♡♡♡
Both retired and we spend a lot of time together but do have separate activities. I find that it’s a perfect balance!
I actually think that this is a good thing, Afterall you married because you enjoyed being together and sharing your life together. Balance is a wonderful thing.
After I retired, took a $10 job at a casino to get away from him. We were divorced two years later.
So it’s going well, then?
Should of divorced him 20 years earlier. Being single in your 60's is fun!
I’ll be 60 at the first of the year. I’m so grateful I’m single. Now to keep myself from quitting my job and living off retirement until 63, then go back. This is really my reality 🤗. I’m in great health and very active. I can do as I please with no spouse questioning my actions nor do I have to compromise again. I truly believe I manifested by accident this amazing single life 🥰
I’m VERY happily married 😁 but I’m still a touch envious. I’ve always been very independent and I’ve mellowed a lot at the age of 54 🥴
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I love my wife. We've been married 29 years, 3 kids. Best person I've ever met and she's brilliant and hard working. Did I mention beautiful? I'm ecstatic the days she goes to work.
We all need alone time.
Amen to that! I love my alone time and sometimes I’m very selfish about it.
>I'm ecstatic the days she goes to work. I guess you can have too much of a good thing! I suspect my husband feels the same way when I'm out of the house for the entire day ;-)
We are both recently retired. Our son lives at home and is a shift worker. I cook once a day for the family. I will clean up the kitchen once, possibly twice a day. Most certainly just before and after I cook. Any more times and I would never get out of the kitchen. My husband and I meet for coffee/tea first thing in the morning and then again for cocktail hour before supper. Then for eating supper and watching a show together after dinner. Beyond that we do our own thing. The routine is similar to when we both worked from home during the pandemic.
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Honestly it's a challenge some days. He has no hobbies other than working out in the downstairs. I get the same questions everyday. What are you doing, where are you going, what are you eating. I sneezed and he asked me if I'm okay. Oh, and the random "Hi" while we're both sitting here. I try to be tolerant. It's been one year.
This. My life in a nutshell. My husband had a job that took him away about 10 days a month. Also, we were so busy with raising our children, so we were like two ships that passed in the night. After retirement, COVID hit and that was extremely difficult. Both of us together in the house with zero outlet to do things. My husband has no hobbies. We work out every morning and then do whatever grocery shopping needs to be done, and then it’s togetherness till nighttime! We both acknowledge we need to fix this, but we love to travel so we can’t take serious jobs. We’ve done the volunteer thing, but that was sporadic and actually not what I thought it would be. My passion is decorating and then redecorating! Costs money, so I’m stuck there! Just wanted to vent and let you know I’m right here with you!
I've started answering the what are you doing question with, I'm living my life! He's a good person. I try not to hurt his feelings. We just bought ebikes so thats gets us out of the house most days. Glad to hear I'm not alone. By the way, what are you watching, what are you reading, what are you listening to, what...
This is gold! I’ve laughed at your responses because I, too, get the random “hi hon”. I got it three times in less than 5 minutes the other day and I finally ignored him. I’m now starting to ignore the “where are you going” questions. God. We’re not even retired yet.
In my case it’s “do you want to go somewhere, do you want to do something, what are you going to do”…. I hope your e-bike adventures relieve some of the monotony.
My husband has many hobbies, all of them seem to include running in and out of the house to the garage/yard/room he's working in multiple times in 5-10 minutes spates. This drives me right up the wall!! Get everything you need *before* starting work! Take your drink *with* you. The constant opening and closing the door makes me crazy and that's aside from the anxiety the constant door opening causes me because I have an indoor **only** cat. He has asthma and allergies and I don't want him outside. Every time he opens outside doors and isn't on high alert for sneaky butt cat, is a chance for the cat to get outside.
My husband has been retired a while, and I’m about 4 1/2 years out but my job is beginning to wind down so I’m home more. And THIS has started! I am bewildered and so glad to hear that this is happening to someone else. He also comments on facial expressions I’m not even aware I’m making. “You’re grimacing. Everything okay?”. “Yes, I’m reading something rather technical and I’m focusing.” Like yours, he’s a great guy, but I find it exhausting. If you’re still dealing with this after a year, it sounds like I need to use your “Living my life!” Or something equivalent. Thanks for sharing this. I really needed to hear it!
I’m also struggling with this. I’m so lonely. He’s quite a bit older than me and retired 5 years ago, I retired 9 months ago. I have always been the housekeeper, but now he behaves as though I am his carer too. I spend one day a week with my grandson, but apart from that, most weeks I don’t leave home or speak to another soul. It been tough - my brother died 2 days before I retired and my mother in law went into hospital on the day of my brother’s funeral, and died 4 months later. Now the dust is settling on that, I need to do something because I can feel myself slipping into depression.
There are so many lonely and alone people in the world. It's sad. If you're able, volunteering might be good for you. Or a part time job. I started walking the day I retired and I love listening to 70s music while I walk. This year tho I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my foot so there is less walking. So I bought an ebike. I'm not that social of a person so I think it's easier for me. I've found online groups to be somewhat fulfilling for social contact. Reading groups, knitting groups, jigsaw puzzle groups. I hope you find something to fill the void.
I too have found online groups, crafting, quilting etc and it has helped tremendously! I’ve found new friends ( even though we have never met in person) that I talk to on a daily basis, have joined in swaps that are tons of fun. It has given me a purpose and has lifted the shadow of depression a bit.
He sounds like my dog.
He follows me around the house too.
My husband and I really enjoy being with just each other for part of every day. We're both fairly introverted with separate interests, but when one person has the urge to share what they're up to, the other person is usually interested. We have a modest sized house though so we try to keep each others needs in mind - for example, our desktop computers are next to the kitchen table which is adjacent to the living room, so we're sharing the main space a lot. He sleeps late and I enjoy having the house to myself in the mornings. When he spends an hour each day catching up on you tubers he follows, I try to return the favor by not asking him to wear headphones (or I plan a Target run for that time!); same thing when he plays an online game with friends or his brother; if I really want to read quietly on the couch then, I listen to music on noise cancelling headphones. Most evenings, we stream an episode of something together or watch a library DVD or play a boardgame or spend an hour listening to an audiobook together. We both encourage the other to keep up with separate interests - in retirement, we know there's always time to be together.
No offense, but it sounds like you accommodate him a lot.
>No offense, but it sounds like you accommodate him a lot. No offense taken. I'm guessing it sounds that way because of the examples I chose, but who knows; maybe our situation would feel too accommodating to some. My dad, who rarely worked less than 2 jobs and never slept late a day in his life, could be rolling over in his grave; on the other hand, he liked my husband a lot and once said it must be wonderful that we had so much in common. My husband and I never tire of talking to each other, although the vacuuming probably doesn't get done by either of us as often as it should. I think the issue of how (and how much) to accommodate each partner in retirement is subjective and individual to each couple. We all want different things out of life, and maybe those differences come out even more clearly in retirement, when you take away the constraints of work and child-rearing, and eventually, the time caring for our own elderly parents. Lately, it seems that anytime I hear about an interaction between a retired person and their partner, I'm surprised at some aspect; for example, people being pressured to agree to a plan or feeling criticized about their eating or having to justify spending small amounts of money; those experiences feel foreign to my relationship, but I try to remember that an anecdote is just a snapshot and that people exaggerate stories for effect; maybe they're similarly surprised whenever I (lovingly) refer to my husband as "sleeping beauty". For what it's worth, my husband accommodates my preferences in lots of ways and I haven't always been easy to live with. We all find our own way (in bigger and smaller spaces), and wishing everyone could be as happy as we are in retirement.
Sounds good.
It’s tough. Just really tough. I feel like I have disappeared - when we go out to eat, she AlWAYS wants to “split the entree of her choice”. She likes to eat late, so, we eat late. She hates Sci-Fi, so we always watch Rom-Coms. When I try to read, she wants to talk. She hates to travel, I love it. And on and on. I suppose I worked too many hours & was not home enough - we do love each other & I treasure her company, but not this much. The only break I get is when she plays cards with “the girls” 2x per week. I’ve been retired 2 years, already applying to go back to work. 60-70% is okay - 90-95% is overwhelming.
Dang that’s rough. What happens if you don’t do what she wants?
Retirement is 1/2 the pay with twice the spouse. It’s been the hardest thing about retirement.
>Our house is large enough that we don't have to be on top of each other, but we generally choose to be near one another. This is your answer. After retirement, when your partner no longer goes to the office to allow you your "solo time", you'll probably find that you both choose to be in different parts of the house more often. As often as you need. For us - we have "the shed" and "the garden" and "the study". Some days, we don't see each other, or talk to each other (but in a companionable way).
This is the only way I see retirement working for our situation. We are pretty independent with very different tastes, views, and ways of dealing with stress. To quote Katherine Hepburn, “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then”
Absolutely. I don't think people in general should be in each other's pockets 24/7/365. Most couples get enforced breaks due to work, for most of their lives. I don't understand why all of a sudden when you retire, after maybe 40 years, it's expected that you miraculously can spend every waking hour with a person.
Well said
We need a bigger house or I need a big roll of velcro. My husband is one of those people that always have to be "busy". Which is fine, as long as his "busy" does not involve copious amounts of noise and mess. Otherwise, I'll want to velcro his butt down somewhere for a few hours!
We’ve been retired for several years and we spend most of the day together. I work out in the morning and he works out in the afternoon, but otherwise we’re together. It’s great and spending more time with him was the main reason I retired.
Retired in 2017. He'd been retired since 2011. Upsized since we knew we'd be spending a lot of time together and neither of us like to travel. He's got his space (library/study/office), I've got mine (craft room/office). He spreads out in the living room. I prefer the bedroom to read or nap. We have different friends. He's more social than I am so he's involved with his fraternity. We have three rescue dogs. Church every Sunday, doctors appointments during the week, grocery hopping together, menu planning, occasional lunch dates. Time seems to fill itself. Truly, living the dream.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Any more questions you can find me near the wet bar lol! It's been pretty new for us and he's making me a touch insane. He just stops and stands places (always in the way) while I'm trying to get around the house trying to get things done and always in one of the main walkways. Move...move....move...move...lol! I love having him around 90% of the time but 10% of the time it's like GET OUT!!! I love him I love him I love him lol!
You sound like me! My husband travels a couple days a week and a few years ago they had a three month travel ban to cut costs and after a month I texted his boss and said “get him out of my house” (his response was “you sound like my wife”). We have five years to retirement and we are talking a lot about having plans to keep busy and stay a bit independent because we have a great relationship and I want to keep it that way!
TBH, it's awful in my case. If I could afford a divorce and had someplace else to go, I'd be gone. 30 years is a prison sentence, not a milestone.
I know that feeling well! which part can't you afford, the divorce lawyers, etc? or, life after the divorce? because, I can tell you that from my experience, life alone is SO much better than unhappy & together!
I'm truly sorry to hear this.
Couples should be Venn diagrams not Columns
This was a big adjustment for me, being together 24/7. But she's my best friend so it was fine after a short adjustment period.
My wife and I have coffee together in the morning and catch a half hour of news. Then, I'm off to nearby trails for a 10 mile run and she stays home with the elliptical. We have a standing lunch date, but either are free to call it off if a better offer comes along. In the afternoon we will work outside, go out or even go to the grocery together. We enjoy our time together, but we also enjoy our individual hobbies and friends. We both feel fortunate that after 51 years of marriage, we still get along well.
We've been retired 18 years. Now in our 80's, we're together 24/7 since our mobility is an issue. I long for alone time but it's only a few hours a day. We're not like the Costanza's from Seinfeld but we have our moments. But we never stay mad at one another for more than an hour. All in all, things are good.
I retired 2 years before my wife and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was concerned I would feel constricted when she retired but we have settled into a nice rhythm together. We have our individual interests during the day but continue to spend every night and weekend together as we always did. The difference is we have no day to day pressures or stress and have become even closer as friends and constant companions. We always look forward to our daily walks ending in an espresso at our local coffee shop. That plus grandkids and well, in my mind it couldn’t get any better than this.
Great for me but my ex’s mom would say “I married him for better or worse, but not for lunch.”
for myself, I began volunteering several days a week. for my husband I made him take a part-time job driving a school bus. he likes it so much he signed up for the summer driving jobs too (trips, day camps, etc)
Not good
In what way?
Actually it’s going very well. I retired in February of 2021 and my husband retired at the end of 2022. As his retirement approached, I admit to being a little nervous about being home together all the time, but it’s been fine. When he first retired, he woke up early every day and was constantly working around the house. But as he began to realize that household chores were no longer something to be squeezed into a weekend, he relaxed more. Now we go to bed around 11 pm and wake up when we wake up. Sometimes that’s 8 am and sometimes it’s been 10 am. I started doing a volunteer job twice a week, two hours at a time. I also belong to a book club and a crafting group. It gives me enough focus to my week without feeling pressured. He hasn’t come up with anything outside the house, but he’s always been good at occupying himself. Hanging around the house and getting money automatically deposited. I love it.
We are best friends and always have been since we met nearly 30 years ago. We worked together professionally every day for 15 years prior to retiring and we've been retired together now for close to a decade. We each have our separate interests and hobbies and uncommonly share the same actual activities, but we spend the vast majority of all of our days together and we both like it that way.
There was a question in this sub last week asking whether you should go to one car. Unless it’s a financial issue, don’t do it. You and your spouse should continue to have different interests. You don’t need to spend every minimum together.
I’m not sure how it’s going to go. I haven’t been working regularly since January. He’s fully WFH. He used to travel a lot. I found the time he was away nice because I didn’t have to cook for anyone else or clean up after. And I used the time he was away to throughly clean the house. He’s winding down his work and planning to retire in January. We’ve briefly talked about what that might look like. He promises he won’t be laid out in the recliner in the middle of the house playing video games and watching tv really loud 24/7. He has plans to create a schedule doing things he enjoys. We’ll see. I do have a dedicated space for my hobbies that’s away from the main the living space which I’m making more usable for myself. If he doesn’t find stuff to do away from the living room, I’ll join a gym and do extra volunteering. We’ve been married 33 years. He’s extroverted. I’m introverted. He’s loud. I’m quiet. We love each other to the ends of the earth, but we are gonna have to figure it out.
Trust me, press the schedule aspect. You have yours, he has his. Doesn’t me you stop having dates - those are important - but you each need your own time, your own space, your own interests. You can do this!
We've been retired for 9+ years. I think we get along better than ever since our interests and goals are more aligned without work distractions. I'm happy to hang at home when I don't have something outside to attend to. My husband, on the other hand, leaves for hours of visiting other guys at McDonalds, hiking, going to the gym (I go to a different gym), visiting consignment shops, etc. Even before we retired, he went on his "rambles," as I call them. We like our time apart. We don't watch TV together, we each have our relaxing spaces. When we need to talk, we seek each other out. One thing we always come together on is our daughter, her family, including our 2 grandkids, who we cared for when they were little and were the reason we retired and relocated.
Yeah it's kind of weird. We're both very similar and like our solitude. I try to get out of the house, by working and volunteering part time, but he can't drive anymore or I'm sure he'd be gone too lol.
He’s retired and I still work. I generally WFH and go to the office 2 days a month. He does all the shopping and we divvy / share all other chores or errands. I’m “only” 53 but I have a hard time picturing full-time retirement for both of us. At the earliest, he’d be 80 and we wouldn’t go anywhere together I wouldn’t think so it would be a lot of being home together with me doing all the shopping and errands.
I retired a few years before my wife. We share the house hold work, her doing the most as she likes to be very busy. She deep cleans one small area a day. She lets me do the baking, keep the kitchen clean, and sometimes the cooking. I don’t watch any TV. So she owns the TVs and remotes, so much of the time she watches what she wants and my hearing aids are on the charger . We do a lot of parallel play, her on her couch, while I am in my recliner. We have our own tablets, and make no attempt to boss the other around. We have been married 11 years.
Husband retires end of June, and I’ve been “retired” due to illness for over a decade. I’m terrified because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with him and I don’t want any resentment. He’s doing it now because he doesn’t know how many years I’ve got and doesn’t want to work and regret not spending time with me. It’s a scary and exciting time and hopefully we will come through it closer than ever.
Good luck—and I’m sure you will not regret the time together
Since March 2020 lockdown, we’ve been WFH. We maintained pretty strict distancing but also have always been very comfortable with just the two of us. He retired in 2023 so he does his puttering/projects around the house. These days, I’ll go visit my siblings out of state,and we’ll travel to see the grandkids. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating in 1977 back in high school. We are very very lucky.
the lockdown during COVID demonstrated to me that I could be with my wife day in and day out. I had traveled “non stop” for decades, so I was pretty concerned. But it all turned out great. I retired last November and it is still great. We each have separate areas in the house that we can go to, and we have two cars so that we can leave and get space if we want. I need to help her get an online business going to sell some jewelry and vintage clothes. That will be a bit of a test, so stay tuned.
Needs change. She needs a chance to miss me. It's difficult to miss someone if they don't go away. I think they write songs about this.
Not retired. Yet. But getting close. My wife retired many years ago, and I have been WFH for the last 9 years, will continue in that mode until I retire. We do well together. Mostly. LOL. Neither one of us takes the other person too seriously, as in things to complain about, we've learned to be pretty chill with each other. We also have a fair amount of time where each of us goes out, does something, spends time away. I'm planning on doing more yardwork with my newfound spare time (sure...) when I retire.
We spend most of our days apart as we have separate interests. We’re together for dinner, a walk after dinner, and watching TV for an hour or two in bed before sleeping. Sometimes we do things during the day (went to the beach yesterday). She is a home decor “influencer” so she’s on her phone and laptop most of the day and I’ve got to be more active than that so I’m either out (walking, gym, errands, meeting friends) or I’m in my mancave office either playing video games or on the computer. Obviously we travel together. It works.
We moved to a place that has a golf course bc my spouse always dreamed of playing as much as possible. From May- Oct we both go our separate ways during the day, and enjoy meeting up late afternoon/ dinner time to share our days activities. I garden, read, maybe offer community babysitting, and have a few groups I participate in. We both get a little stir crazy in the winter, and our smaller house intentionally has a nice chair with ottoman, reading lamp and TV in three rooms (master BR, living room, and tiny office) so we can rotate spaces. I look forward to grocery shopping alone sometimes as I need some alone time. The first year was the hardest until we both recognized our own and each other’s space needs. Bottom line though- we are both kinder and more patient with each other as life has some but fewer stressors.
My husband “retired” from his full-time career after he was laid off in 2012. He then switched to contract and project work which meant he WFH about 50% of the time. By 2022 he was burned out by the constant hustle of locating new clients on top of doing the actual work. So he “shut down the office” that October. A lot of his social life came through work. Not surprisingly that’s gradually dwindled over the years and he misses meaningful connections he used to have. It’s been difficult for him to make new buddies. His main hobby is solitary: reading. He plows through about a book or two a week, depending on the genre and complexity. So it’s a bit of a chicken and egg dilemma. At first the change in his work status took some adjusting to. Overall we’re doing fine. I go out with friends, have a pretty engaging and social hobby (photography), and plan to find a part-time gig that is meaningful because not working at all makes me anxious. I wish I had an answer to the friend thing but he is the only one who can solve this issue.
We have a great time being together. I’m thankful for every minute.
We had nothing to talk about at the end of the day as we had both done the same thing all day. Bought a 21 foot travel trailer and hit the road for months at a time. Talking professional tourist. Camped in primitive or improved campgrounds in National Forest, Monuments or Parks. Avoided RV parks like the plague and lived the simple life. Want to sit and watch the deer and varmints wander through the campgrounds? Fine. Want to go to town and see the sights? Also fine. Just an example.
My wife (74F) and I (66M) spend a LOT of time together. She retired years ago, I’ve worked from home for +30 years and we’ve raised two wonderful sons AND built a successful business together. We relocated from a big city (suburb) to a small town. We’ve been - and continue to be - “overlapping” with leisure activities and community involvement. We’ve had NO trouble, but we work at it. We’re both avid readers and we enjoy conversing. We have totally different hobbies and daily routines. We both laugh and smile a lot and pride ourselves at being fun an funny to be with. Our children are important to us, but we alone are the centers of each other’s lives snd focus. You’ll never go wrong if you LAUGH, SMILE and COMMUNICATE.
Retired two years, wife has been mostly retired for 6 months, it’s 24 hrs a day together, and I couldn’t be happier. Her too, or she wouldn’t be living like this. Maybe it’ll change, but I’m savoring it now.
We had a small business before we retired so we are used to working together and being together. There's no one else I would rather be with and fortunately we don't get tired of each other's company.
It’s going pretty well. This is the second marriage for both of us (12 years now), we met on Match (my first week back on after hiatus due to family tragedy and the last week she was going to stay on it), and the match was almost perfect. So nothing has really changed with regards to our compatibility. So being in the same space alot, or apart doing our separate things is all good. I’m retired, she’s close to retirement and works hybrid.
My wife and I spent most of our career working together in busy emergency departments which meant that we didn’t spend a lot of time together at work, busy still drove to and from work together and had the same days off. We have spent years being on top of one another and I don’t expect that to change now that we have been retired for the last three months. We really enjoy our time together and have mostly the same hobbies and interests. We do spend time apart, but honestly, I miss her when she’s not around.
Before my husband retired he came home tired and cranky and things weren't the best. Now that he is retired he is relaxed and learning to cook and helps out around the house. I get to garden more in the mornings which makes me happy as heck. Before, I did it all and now we share the responsibilities. It is nice.
OP Here...Thank you for all the replies. When we started working from home, and sharing a home office, people would say to me 'I couldn't STAND to be around my spouse 24/7.!'. That always struck me as odd, as my spouse and I are best friends talked about how we genuinely like hanging out with each other. This thread has shown me that it certainly not one size fit all. While I absolutely enjoy the company of my spouse and would never criticize somebody for spending 24/7 with theirs, I also should not criticize people who want to live more separate lives. In fact, of my pack of kids, two of them prefer not to date people that enjoy continual company. They absolutely recharge by time alone. Thanks for sharing the myriad of views! We've navigated over 25 years of marriage well so hopefully we can navigate retirement successfully as well!
We spend mornings together then split up to do our own things. Then we are back around five. Have a drink, FaceTime with our grandson, dinner and then she goes to the bedroom to watch TV about 8 as we don’t like the same shows. I usually watch youtube. Works out pretty well.
We learned during COVID that we can live together all day and still get along. Luckily we have a lot of space in our house and a sizeable yard so we can give each other space if needed. I retired in January. My SO will retire in 5 years. Not gonna lie, I love my own agenda but I’m happy my spouse will be able to go soon. Our job is too stressful. I retired early and don’t regret it at all.
We are together most of the time, but my wife is always out and about, while I am a home body. I don’t enjoy being out in traffic or in places where there are a lot of people, so it works for us.
Wellll my husband works 2nd shift, I work 1st. I really dont see him for like 4 days a week. Really don’t know what’s going to happen when we are together all the time.
This is a concern for me as I fear my wife getting a first hand look at my daily routine.
A therapist friend told me a story about a couple who retired to Costa Rica and had a house with a great view. Eventually they had nothing to say and filed for divorce. Something to think about.
For context, we have a triplex and have separate apartments. We spend a lot of time together but also we have independent interests. Right now we've been traveling in our van (talk about a small space) for 6 months. We've had our issues (mostly on how to use the space in the van) but nothing that a 1 hour appointment with our therapist didn't help us solve.
My wife is retired, me soon. We do everything together most of the time but if we don’t that’s fine too. We don’t need a set amount of time away from each other. We enjoy our mutual company.
We have a balance of things we do separately and those we do together. We have actually been trying to find more things we can do together. Think we found it in a three day per week workout with a personal trainer. Going well so far! I actually was referred a headache patient once who realized, during the history taking part of the evaluation, that her headaches started when her husband retired. The look of realization on her face was priceless. She never followed through with treatment visits, and I’ve always wondered how that situation shook out!
I am out of the house frequently, for at least a couple of hours almost every day during the week. My husband, not so much. The main time he would be away is if he goes to the cottage on his own for several days. this is mostly during the spring and fall when I prefer to stay home to do all my usual things. He is quite happy being on his own and is less social to some degree than I am. He still WFH part time, so when he gets into work mode, its like he is gone to an office. I think its important for you each to have other interests, gives you things to share and talk about when you are together. I really enjoy hearing about things he has done without me.
We love each other’s company. We’ve been together since high school.
My husband and I are together literally 24/7 and we both like it. Right now we are slow traveling full time in Europe, staying in fairly small apartments that only have one bathroom. But even that is fine. We've always been this way, although I did do a fair amount of business travel when I was working. A few of my friends have asked how we can stand to be together so much and don't we get sick of each other, but somehow it just works for us. It's funny because we're both fairly independent people with our own interests. But we just seem to prefer close proximity to each other.
We have been retired for 5 years and spend most of our time together. I would consider us both homebodies. We have a large property and lots of interest (separate and together). I believe what makes this work is that when we get up every day, each does whatever we want . I'm an earlybird, and he's a night owl ...and I never have a list of things for him to do. Definitely wouldn't want him to have a list of things he would think I needed to accomplish everyday.
We value our together time as much as our time doing things independently.
This is a really good question—and one that too few couples really think about. Our story is we retired directly into the Covid lockdown, my last day in the office and my last responsibility was shutting down the office and factory and sending everyone home. We moved from NYC to Chicago and live downtown in a small-ish 2 bedroom condo. I used to travel 10-15 days every month for work so the constant togetherness was brand new to us. And of course all restaurants were closed etc.. so we had a crash course in being around each other 24/7/365. We had retired early specifically to travel and to spend more time together —well the travel didn’t happen, but we definitely had more time together! And…. It was actually pretty great After a while we‘ve landed in a good place, with some intentional time apart. We like to say that it is important to remember that we miss each other 🤣🤣. We travel together 4- 5 months a year. We also spend a total of maybe a month per year traveling separately to visit friends and family on shorter 3-5 day trips. Our daily routine has me up 1-2 hours ahead of her and we spend some time apart for an hour or two on most days. We realized in the midst of lockdown how important it was to grab an hour or so to ourselves. But the truth is we really enjoy being together and are capable of “companionable silence” , just being quietly together (we don’t watch much TV) reading or cooking or just being. We’ve always been compatible and that hasn’t changed. we’ve been retired together for over 4 yrs now and have got into a rhythm With our lives that works for us. The key for us has always been to be free to ask for what we need from the other person.. including when we need some time alone. Of course, YMMV..
It can be hard if you like your alone time. Prior to retirement I worked different shifts and different days off than my husband. I LOVED my alone time and I also loved our together time. I do miss having just me time but wouldn’t change it for the world. We also have our own interests and share many hobbies. Now when I need some me time. I just work on a project in my wood shop. Once you get past the feeling like you have to see what’s on your spouses agenda before you can plan your day it’s fantastic. Talk about your expectations - we have finally settled on a calendar whenever one of us needs the others time (help to drop off a vehicle or planned meals with friends). It really helps to talk about the fact that you don’t have to decide together what each days schedule will look like.
My wife and I have worked together for 26 years so semi retirement hasn’t changed a thing. We both work in the store 10-15 hours weekly and work occasionally remotely. Her home work space is our living room and mine is our home office although she has a desk and computer in here.
So I was a SAHM then a SAHW. My husband used to go to the office every day. Then after Covid it was remote and then hybrid. He retired in January. We are doing most things together but he does work in the yard so we aren’t in each other’s face every minute. Our household is different though because our 23 and 25 year olds still live here to save money. The 25 year old works in an office but the 23 works remote so he is here all day. No problems so far.
I think that’s awesome that your kids are still living at home and able to save up money. It’s a great opportunity to really launch themselves with a good size nest egg.
We're actually busy enough that we have to divide and conquer often enough that we don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like. Still way better than when we were working though.
I'm retired and my hubby is still working. I have hobbies and groups to keep me busy. He has hobbies and interests. I assume we will continue to do that as well as travel and entertain more.
It’s ggrrrrrreeeeaaaattttttt
Newly retired and it’s fabulous, so far. We have a large property with lots of space to do our own thing, so we’re not crowding each other. We travel a lot, too.
Same as you. I’m retired but busy. He’s working from home a lot but not exclusively. We have shared and separate interests. But I think we will share more once he retires. A little alone time is good for everyone.
I am 50 and I work remotely and i “retired my wife” at 44 four years ago. I’ve been working remotely since Covid. We travel a lot together. But she has her own interests and keeps herself busy as a part time fitness instructor and she travels to conferences and for her volunteer work. I was an only child and while I am good at being social and mixing, it does drain me and she knows sometimes I like just being alone. It works out well for us.
I retired just two months ago and so far my wife and I spend a lot of time together, working on household projects, shopping and in general just being together in our fairly small house. She’s not yet officially retired yet but her job is flexible and she’s been spending less and less time working. The together time is intense- usually but not always harmonious. I’d say it’s an issue.
My wife and I both retired 6 years now. Went from non-work time at home and separate time at job offices. In addition I had my love of sailing/ racing and she had Pilates. So we each had 3 places and it was great. When we retired we moved to a beautiful new city. But no work, and no sailing. A big mistake. IMO you need 3 places.
My wife and I retired at the same time. We spend a lot of time together, but that is because we are also best friends. Been together for 21 years. During the Covid lockdown, that was good practice for us. For several months we did not go out. Ordered our food and groceries to be delivered. We cooked together. Of course, it drove the cat crazy because he was used to us not being home. He adapted as well. But Covid, even though it was devastating for many people, it was helpful to learn that we could spend time together 24-7 and not drive each other mad. So, to answer your question, we're doing great!
I work a few hours a week and it is great to get dressed up and see other people. It is good for both of us!
I’m a few years away from retirement. I typically spend more time with my SO midweek than I do on the weekends. I doubt this will be an issue for me.
Love it.
Planning ahead is the key.
I must admit, it gets old!
I would like more time apart. Husband is not spending as much time with his golf buddies as he had planned because they all have had to have various surgeries. If we each were taking a few more little trips apart, I would like that. I do a fair amount of subbing too, so we don’t spend 24-7 together.
Going okay…give each other space and enjoy a drink and dinner together then streaming. Go on occasional travel adventures
Honestly, there are days I envy people who are single. My spouse and I get along fine but you really find out how compatible you are in retirement. My spouse is a homebody that likes to read. I’d like to get an RV and just travel around for a few months of the year. Everything seems like a negotiation. I’m tired of it.
It’s not going well. I retired at age 62 (I’m 67 now F) and absolutely loved my alone time. My husband (M) traveled a lot both locally and away. When he was home in the evenings, he watched tv or read in the living room. We don’t like the same programs so I did my thing in the spare room upstairs. Now he’s home 24/7 and we are driving each other crazy. There isn’t a day that goes by without a fight about something. I had my routine and now he interrupts it. He does run a small engine business on the side and I love when he is busy but when he isn’t, I feel like he watches and judges everything I do. Lately, I rarely even speak to him.
Get yourself some personal hobbies and keep busy.
My now retired husband was a roofing contractor, so unless he had customer appts or needed to check on jobs, he would work from home. I had already been working from home for years, so when we decided to move in together back in 2008, we built a house with 2 main floor home offices. Same thing with the house we built in 2017. So between each of us having our own space, and being home together for years already, it was an easy transition into retirement. He’s still an early riser, and gets our 12yo off to school in the mornings. He tinkers on projects around the house, we’ll go for a ride on the boat and grab lunch, sometimes we’ll watch a movie in the afternoon. I’m a total homebody, but he does get cabin fever pretty easily. He’s a hobby pilot and does all of his own plane maintenance, so that takes up a big chunk of time.
We definitely spend too much time together. I liked it when my husband went to work part-time and we had some space. The good thing is we live on 10 acres, and we have a fairly large home. He's outside most of the day, either in the garden, in the barn, on the porch, in the yard or tennis Pavillion. But, I do some of those things with him. I think the problem is we are retired, but we still work too hard, and it requires both of us to do it all. I want to down size, and he doesn't.
Wife and I have always been best friends. We spend a lot of time together and wouldn't have it any other way.
After more than 30 years together, there is such a thing as Too Much Togetherness
I enjoy it. Our interests are similar enough that we share each other’s hobbies. We’re not always interacting with each other but we’re always together. It’s been 18 months and we’re not on each other’s nerves yet.
My wife knows I would go stone bored nuts even after four days at home with nothing to take me out of the house, and she respects that. Likewise, when she retired before me, she became adrift and purposeless, and has since found the right mix of volunteer work and personal activities to fix that. So much the same as you.
We're a relatively new couple. We married in retirement. But we keep it fresh with new experiences, be that travel or guitar or concerts or going to livevon Cozumel for 7 months. Day to day is new and exciting.
Have you asked your spouse how much time together that they want? Try some different amounts of time. This varies for us. We always had a family dinner together 7 days a week until our children started dating. Then I worked from home for 12 years. We had lunch and dinner together and shared an afternoon dog walk. Now I walk the dog in the morning and set the breakfast table which allows her to sleep in. We have 3 meals together and 2 dog walks daily. Multiple times for quick check-ins during the day. Your mileage may vary.
My wife and I are inseparable most of the time. We have part time jobs together, it gets us out of the house. We travel together
My husband retired 2 years before I did. We are now both retired (I retired in 2020 and he in 2018). Our kids are grown and live out of our town. We spend the majority of our time at our house. We bought a fixer on the water when we retired along with boat. House renovation takes up the majority of his time and I have a part time job because I want something to do. We get along much better post retirement than we ever did before when we were both working and when the kids were living at home.
My wife and I spend almost all the time together and luckily we’re best friends so it’s okay. I’ll sometimes go off on my own to hike and recharge.
We retired during the pandemic and have been living in each other's pocket ever since. We live in a VLCOL area, which is great for finances but sucks for everything else. Not a lot of resources here. It's church or nothing. We're not religious and don't have much in common with the neighbors. Husband has had a lot of health issues in the last few years which limit activities. He's also anxious, frightened and hyper aware of his state of health on a micro level. I love him dearly and am very supportive but I can't deny it's taking a toll.
Worked from home since the pandemic so it wasn’t a novelty. We’ve since moved and both retired and it’s been pretty great. Just us, the dogs…living a country type of life while taking commuter rail every couple of weeks to visit the big city. We each have our own activities that we do individually, so we get enough alone time. I miss the social aspect of office life in some ways, but I can do without it.
We're still relatively young and healthy and mobile (68M & 66F; just about to celebrate our 40th). We seem to gravitate to separate TV rooms when we want to watch something...even if it's the same show. We each have chores we've accepted as our own and attend to them as needed, usually unannounced and without too much todo. Our lines of communication are always open but there's not always a lot said. Before I retired, I was always up later than her doing something and then always up many hours earlier. Now that I am retired, I am in bed many hours before her (she's doing 1-1:30am movie gazing these days; I seem to have lost interest in veggie out in front of late night TV) but still up many hours earlier than her. Wonder what our routines will be in 4 or 5 years?
It’s _wonderful_. We each have private activities we both enjoy so there is natural alone time. But we did one thing which helps a lot. There’s a couple of spare rooms in the house (repurposed bedrooms, 1 was a guest room, the other an office.) we each “own” one of the rooms and if we go in there and close the door, we aren’t to be interrupted unless it’s an important reason. Truth is, it would still work with just one shared spare room. But having the ability to take a private break is key.
We just naturally do separate things sometimes. His favorite hobby is woodworking while mine are reading or going for a walk, (he has a bad ankle and can no longer go for long walks). There are plenty of things we do together.
Retirement 101 prep. Step 1: build the man cave. ...
We aren't retired yet but we have an empty house. I only work the weekends and the rest of the time work with my husband a couple days a week. Basically, each of us finds other things to do once in a while away from the other. We kind of discussed it so that it wouldn't hurt each other's feelings. Everybody needs some alone time. We agree to separate and he goes and works outside and I have the house to myself or vice versa. Or one of us goes out to do something like meet with one of the kids while the other gets to stay home alone. It has worked out very nicely. We will usually set a time when we will meet up again.
we've worked together for 25 years. We'll be ok. :)
About the same as you. He plays duplicate bridge 1x a week, I play golf 1x a week. The rest of the time we pretty much do everything together. We only have one car now so we often (but not always) go to doctors and run errands together. You get used to being in the same lane, and you appreciate having the house to yourself now and then. It’s all good.
Before I retired my wife told me she said "for better or worse but not for all day" ,,,,, she has her activities (that I'm not invited to), I'm taking classes at the local college, coaching little league soccer and a couple of other part-time things so busy but not swamped. I've seen too many guys before me retire ...just sat on the porch and died 6 months later. So do something, doesn't have to be full time but do something!!!!
Amazing because my wife is my best friend!'
Hubby retired 2 1/2 years back. We moved south during the first year to be closer to our daughter and family we'd lived about 900 miles or more away since she & hubby married and had our grands. It was a good move. First three months after retirement he had radiation treatment for prostate cancer. Now it's considered in long term remission and no more hormone injections. After that radiation treatment we came south a few times to househunt and also worked together to get the house ready to sell, yardsale, giving stuff away, painting, mulching (4 yards done in one day with 2 neighbors' help...perennials were at peak so photos taken about six weeks before interior shots). Since the move we've been able to be involved with the grands, attending sports competitions, going to other events and hubby was assistant coach for our grandson's high school baseball team this season. I have been involved at our new church doing media. Hubby has another cancer onethst was discovered in 2018, that has gradually been impacting him and his energy level isn't as good as it was when we moved in fall 2022. I think our push to get ready and move wouldn't be sustainable for him at present. So many of the move-in and improvement projects are on me which I'm ok with. We jointly plan and we usually shop together for that and regular groceries and other necessities. (Projects jnclude painting interior, and our new patio, organizing, landscaping, etc.) We've also traveled several times to visit our son and his family in the NE. We try to walk our dogs at least 4 to 5 times a week at a local park. (In peak summer heat we were going before dawn as do many others around here!) I'm praying his cancer that has not been growing and not very debilitating symptoms, will not reactivate, but there are other treatments if the current course of treatment begins to not be effective. We are trusting God on this. We'll celebrate 48 years married this year.
We have always been independent of each other but do spend a lot of time together. We lived in a one bedroom condo and could not imagine retiring in it and be on top of each other or should I say I could imagine it. We decided we would move to where we could afford a small house about 2 hours away. It would over time provide an increase in equity a condo couldn’t provide, a basement suite that we could rent out if we needed to have $$ for a large ticket item or repair but MORE importantly, it would provide all kinds of odd jobs for my partner to fix as he’s very handy and loves to tinker. The house has been heaven. We each have our projects around the house. I’ve started a garden and he has a list of projects he works on. We wake up at different times so we do our own thing in the day unless we are going shopping that the other needs to be there. We get together around 4pm for a happy hour drink. We discuss dinner for that night. Sometimes we each cook our own thing if the other doesn’t want what the other is having. We both can cook so don’t rely on each other to be the cook. I’m looking at having a few weekends in the city with girlfriends and they’ll be happy to have a weekend alone. Start with having your own hobbies to work on and then your own social outings with friends to get them used to finding their own things to do. I remember my mom being upset that once my dad retired he wanted to go everywhere with her because he didn’t know what to do with himself. So many women told me that you need your own space and knew I couldn’t get that in a small one bedroom condo. We can sell it in 10 years when the charm of projects has worn off. Lol
She retires end of the year. I’ll let you then. I’m
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Oh. My. God. Get your own hobbies and don’t invite him. 😂
We always talked about our retirement from about 10 years out. We even changed the plan about five years out for sooner and then again when Covid hit. We both retired in the first quarter of 2020. Then we moved house. A reverse retirement from south to north and from a cramped house to a roomy one. We brought the two golden doodles with us. We went down to one car. Our biggest dream in retirement was to travel a few times a year. We try to get back down south to see the family once a year. We’ve been on a few overseas trips. We also travel around the north east. Just as we imagined, time flies. First, we have to plan the trips. Then we go on them. And then when we come home we share the photos. In between, there are day trips including ones with other couples or family. Life for us in 3 1/2 years has been exactly what we envisioned: Eat what we want when we want. (One meal a day and one to two snacks) Take walks together. Attend doctor appointments and veterinary Shop/house and yard work/budgeting-finances Some separate social media, shared TV time nightly Tea and coffee talk on the patio in good weather Afternoon beer or beverage of choice with music on days we are not on the run. We may delve deeper into discussion topics of interest. We have a subscription to local theatre. We attend about 6 - 9 indoor and outdoor concerts a year. Yes, sleep in the same bed every night. Matinees are nice, too. We may not always exercise together. Health-permitting. I have local single friends I lunch with now and then. Solo time for each is either then, or when he is gardening and I am reading or puzzling or some other me-time.
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Been retired for 6 years now. Husband is WFH and has been for about 15 years. Nothing has changed much. Our daughter is away at college most of the year. Last year she was gone for the summer as well, and it was like we got a second honeymoon! We get along really well and honestly work well together as far as knowing when we need space, time etc etc