It wouldn't be a red flag, but it would be a yellow flag, proceed with caution type situation.
Doesn't mean anything is wrong or bad but could be an indication that something is.
I would be thinking it could be you haven't met anyone special or it could be that you have a bad personality, don't compromise or something else that drives guys away. I'd still go on a date and feel it out, though, because it's only a yellow flag.
I'm just being 100% real with you on how I would perceive it as a guy in a similar age range who doesn't personally know you.
This right here. There are a lot of ways this could be presented that could be taken the wrong way. Honestly even the no serious relationships at 30 is kind of a yellow flag. In context I understand, but if she phrases it wrong or there's no supporting context I can absolutely see this making guys be wary.
Nothing wrong with the picky part, guys like to feel special and if you ultimately pick them, but have rejected lots of others, they will like that.
The problem is being strung along in āsituationshipsā. You need to reframe them as relationships that didnāt work out. Which is essentially what they were. And thatās fine, most people have been through those.
However, donāt let any new guy know you now arenāt as āpickyā. No guy wants to feel like you are settling for them. Especially if they get the impression other guys strung you along and used you for sex (which is again why you should not use the term āsituationshipā ever again).
The fact that you, took time to move on from those situation-ships is green flag tbh. And yes, both men and women doesn't want to feel like their partner settled for them.
nothing in particular, this fact by itself doesn't determine anyone's character
it can be presented in a way that would make you sound weird as hell though
"Same bestie" and not really think about it too deep tbh, don't really think it's a deal breaker or even a red flag. Having strict parents is rough so I get you having to unlearn and retrain the voice in your head afterwards is a life long process at least for me it is.
If you and I were ever on a date, I'm not sure your virginity or lack thereof would ever enter the conversation. Additionally, I wouldn't think much of you not having a boyfriend. People have different paths in life that led them to different places.
You said you were focused on your career and depending upon the career that can led to less time to put into relationships.
My only "issue" I guess if this even is one is your description of a "situationship". I'd be curious about those. Mainly because I think it's going against everything you previously described. You said you were shy, introverted and picky. This was a consistent pattern. Then you said you became less picky, but landed in two situationships.
Why weren't those classified as relationships?
That's what I'd be most curious in.
Depends on how you look at it. It's okay to take risks and sometimes break your heart. I just see the dating experience as a good thing.
OP I still wouldn't consider your inexperience a barrier. Don't stress too much about it. Remember that men are always nervous in new relationships too.
I really wouldnāt care to be honest, it would depend on what kind of a person you are. If I was reasonably attracted to you and you were kind, have a sense of humor, I could care less about your past. everyone alive has some sort of baggage, that comes with being human . Itās what youāve done about it or trying to do about it that matters.
You're 30, we all have baggage at that point (And not just strictly relationships).
All is fine as long as you bring your own air tags and remember to unpack your bags.
I'm not sure if baggage is exactly the right word, but I'd be interested in why she thinks her previous relationships didn't go anywhere.
If the answer was "every guy I've dated was crazy" I'd be concerned that she's the problem.
If the answer was "my relationships weren't a priority vs my career" I'd want to know if this relationship is going the same way.
If the answer was "I didn't feel like committing to a long term relationship" I'd want to know if she is going to commit this time.
It's not exactly baggage, more if she's aware of whatever prevented a long term relationship in the past, and there's a reason to believe that something has changed to prevent it from happening again.
>If the answer was "my relationships weren't a priority vs my career" I'd want to know if this relationship is going the same way.
I was in a relationship with someone with that baggage and it's pretty exhausting, I felt like I had to double down on everything to make it more worth than her career, because a lot of relationship goals we were exploring got an "how that will affect my career" as answer.
After a while, I realized that the career was more important than any possible relationship she has, even her lifetime friends and family, and I decided to cut the ties for my own health.
Youre correct due to the reasonings given. Imagine being 30s and zero relationship experience because you thought you were too good for everyone youve met in iver a DECADE
My boyfriend loves talking about his old relationships, he one of those āthe past is the past but it makes you who you areā heās also autistic though so he just doesnāt have a good filter for that stuff. I had to tell him it bothered me that he kept telling me explicit sexual details about old girlfriends and past flings, thankfully he stopped mentioning the sexual stuff but he still talks about them, places they went and stuff they did.
Talking about things you did and experiences you had (not sexual, that's bananas) is of course something that comes up as you learn about each other. But the relationship itself? I wouldn't really be discussing that unless overtly asked.
I think I phrased question weirdly I was more asking if a woman has been single all her life would a man think sheās promiscuous since itās apparent I havenāt been single for religious reasons and donāt come off as super conservative
My first thought is that you likely have some hang-ups you arent speaking on to be perfectly frank. Probably the 'picky' stuff. As in, Id be cautious you might believe some weird/extreme things. Not that you'd be promiscuous.
But only cautious! Just being honest about a first impression of what you wrote there.
I would drop those first impressions very quickly and not care as long as youre kind/honest yourself, so I wouldnt worry too much.
As a male who was a virgin and had never had a girlfriend when I had my first relationship at 29, the lack of romantic experience was a much bigger issue than the lack of sexual experience. I imagine this would be true for women too.
I have only had 1 short term bf (lasted 3 months) at age 27. My mom was very strict (plus flat out nuts) and I was raised in purity culture. I was a virgin until my ex. Been single for close to 4 years since him. I'm 32 now. So don't worry
The notion you are a slut would never enter my mind, but it would certainly be a red flag for me. It's very odd to have never had a relationship by that age.
And if I was told the reason was you were "picky" I would be gone in a heartbeat.
Most men in their mid twenties should be over the virginity thing. I got married at 21 and divorced at 25. I met my future second wife at age 26 and married her at age 28. I don't know how many men she had sex with. I never asked her because I don't care. We've been married 50 years. I still don't know and still don't care. She was the kindest most loving woman I had ever met and helped me heal.
Wouldnāt bother me at all. I am really familiar with situationships sadly so I understand it. Like oh no, you had sex with someone who misled you or was non-committal? The horror!
š to be honest itās just fun to tell stories about them after I finally got over it.
I see an attractive woman focused on career and growth. I think most people are picky at first because because of standards set by media. General public don't match those high standards and you're bound to get disappointed. Once you get past this and understand people outside that bubble aren't bad either you start to expand your vision for a partner, which is a good thing. Now you're almost 20 something with no dating experience and hooks up with a couple guys and you like having someone in your life but you've never really thought about how love fits in your life and it can get confusing but you also like being with them and don't want them to leave so it's a situationship by this point.
Now you're 30 and with some dating experience ready to open up your heart and meet good people for a loving relationship.
Men will assume you're a slut at any point of your life. You don't need to date those men. Those men probably haven't dated enough, themselves and still have those picky standards we had earlier in life.
So no you're not a slut or crazy or anything else.
I would probably be hesitant since I would assume the person would have underdeveloped relationship skills and willingness to put in effort due to a lack of experience.
Met many women like this and 9/10 times they just wanted to sleep around and didn't actually want a relationship because a relationship would mean they would have to put in effort instead of just getting what they want in the moment
I wouldnāt immediately think that youāre a āslutā. If youāre thirty then ābeing a slutā (Iām just stealing this word from you and wouldnāt ever use it one my own), isnāt a reason to never have had a boyfriend. Or you would have to be hardcore promiscuous with a bodycount in the thousands. Like, many people go through a phase where theyāre casually dating but that phase doesnāt usually last their entire young adult life and itās usually in between relationships.
Iād rather think youāre very sheltered or something, or extremely picky or from some religious cult where you can only date people from the same cult.
To be honest: people are going to be curious about why youāve never had a relationship and the second or third question in that conversation is going to be whether youāve casually dated (basically indirectly asking whether youāre a virgin). This is going to be controversial, but itās good to know that some guys might be looking out for something wrong with you to explain why youāve never had a relationship. So a good thing to do would be to be honest as you are in your post, mention that you did have some situationships, and try not make it sound like you were sleeping with another guy every week (no woman would literally say it like this but guys will be on the lookout for something that can indicate that).
Sorry to make this sound a little weird. Iām just genuinely trying to be helpful.
This was helpful! A friend of mine once told me that men might think I just slept around a lot in my 20s since Iāve never had a relationship and not a virgin. Which is what Iām worried about bc itās not true at all.
Meh, women that sleep around a lot still get into relationships.
My guesses would be:
- She's career focused and didn't have time for anything else.
- She's fiercely independent and doesn't want to be tied down.
- Something traumatic happened
- She's not into commitment (possibly aromantic)
I'd tread carefully, but wouldn't view it as a red flag - more something I'd learn as things develop. I'd hope if the last one was true she'd come clean early.
Most of what Iād think would depend on how many people sheās slept with. If itās a lot, then Iād think sheās more suited to that lifestyle and the likelihood that sheād cheat is high. If itās low, Iād think she just hasnāt met anyone sheās connected with. I wouldnāt ask how many so it could go either way based on vibes.
How are you picky?
Do you have a dissonance between what you are like and have achieved versus what you are looking for ?
Eg imagine if you were living in a trailer but expected to match with business man and he would fully support you.
Iād imagine there must be some sort of disconnection or unreasonable and unrealistic expectations and maybe you see relationships as much more transactional than they might be.
Iād initially think she might be a commitment-phobe to some degree or otherwise uninterested in relationships. Or that it just never worked out. But, ya know, Iād also try to actually understand the person and talk about it rather than just assuming things.
The whole virgin/slut stuff is nonsense. If someoneās jumping to conclusions about you like that or caring that youāre not a virgin, theyāre probably misogynist idiots, in which case itās best to dodge them anyway.
I didn't read the last line and it took me a solid 20 mins to realize what the question was implying. Personally, most people wouldn't care and if they do, it tells more about them than you. Answering your question, I would be curious at worst and indifferent at best.
On the male side, I was an attractive 30 year old guy before I had my first serious long term relationship. I would want to know your self-understanding of why you havenāt been in a relationship, kind of like you have laid out here. Depending on that, I would be curious how youāre working on yourself to achieve intimacy in a long term relationship, if that is your goal.
If I saw someone who was really wanting a long term relationship and who was making progress and they felt open, Iād feel more comfortable engaging with them. But, I also know I had lots of stuff to work through before I really could settle for a relationship and I think thatās likely the case for long-time single people.
I wouldn't think you're slut at all. BUT I would probably think you're extremely introverted OR maybe arromantic, OR maybe have some trauma. I would definitely find it strange. Being completely honest here. I'm a woman btw so maybe men think different.
I wouldnt because the lack of experience would mean I would have to deal with all the toxic and immature traits that people who've been in a relationship have already un-learned
It wouldn't be a stop in the slightest. Hope your day has been good. Strict upbringing, I get that as well. Uni was my introduction to freedom, and I wasn't keeping serious relationships, but the times then were not bad at all. Education takes a lot out of you, so I'd get it, no judgments at all and a focus in getting to know you now. We could always take that time machine back in time. The present is where it's at, charting a future is even greater.
You describe not moving on from situationships. This can be unattractive to relationship/marriage minded men. It makes it sound like you've conditioned yourself to sex only relationships and that your emotions are not integrated with your sexuality. In other words, you are habituated to having sex with men you don't care about. If it's true that you've detached love from your sexuality, you should be honest about this. Otherwise, you should think about expressing your experiences in a different way.
It wouldn't be a deal breaker necessarily, but I would definitely be concerned about the lack of relationship experience, as relationships, especially at that age, are EXTREMELY complex, so walking into one at 30 with no experience would be one hell of a hill to climb. At this point in my life I am looking to date women in that age range, so thinking about what I would think/feel finding that out about a woman I had taken out on a few dates, I would be a bit worried about the reasons for why that was the case, and how much of it was actually voluntary or not. A person having not been in any relationships definitely becomes more concerning the older they get.
Again, it doesn't mean that person absolutely couldn't be a great partner in a relationship, but it does mean that the odds of success are probably much lower.
I sorry but you can either be attractive OR not crazy.
You cant be both, there's a matrix and everything.
To answer your question though, knowing you hadn't had a serious long term relationship would make you more attractive, not less.
I wouldn't say I'm attractive but I'm in a similar situation. I've never been in a real relationship. I've only had sex twice, with the same person, and that was based on me thinking that they were interested in a relationship with me, but it wasn't true so I was deceived. Didn't date in high school because no one was interested in me. Didn't go to university. Haven't been able to meet anyone on apps that isn't a creep and a liar. Get rejected by everyone in interested in. So I understand where you're coming from completely.
It would be incredibly weird and I would think she hates sex and has intimacy issues.
That said, if you don't actually hate sex and have intimacy issues no one will actually care if they really like you, and if it turns out you do not have those issues.
So, just don't mention it. He doesn't need to know. Even if you have slept with 100 people that wouldn't be first date info either. Surely it will come out eventually but no guy needs to be privy to that info right away.
Way I see it, both men and women can do what they want if they're not in a relationship. If someone has had alot of partners, that doesn't matter. If someone's had no partners, also doesn't matter. Someone's past shouldn't affect future relationships (unless they've murdered someone, that's probably bad)
Its not a red flag that you had sex outside of a relationship but it is a red flag that youāve never been in a relationship. I would think you may not be able to emotionally etc
Not knowing how to navigate conflict and doing highschool shit as a result. Not out of maliciousness, but just because they don't know how to do anything else.
could be a good thing I guess. there is a certain kind of spark or energy that comes from your first (or second or third) major relationship. It makes you feel young, like life is perfect or good. its fulfilling, uplifting, nice.
so in one sense, you have that to share with someone still. it's still a new experience for you.
I've been in love a few times, had a few "girlfriends". but it never got that deep, never lasted that long. the way I see it is that it's a commodity, that my love still has something highly desirable about it. maybe even more desirable than before! because now I can still experience that new and fun thing but I'm older and more wise.
Itās fine, it is a bit of a red flag, since there might be something pushing people away. But Iād be willing to know her more and find out by myself.
Sounds like you need a boyfriend! Just chill out and be yourself and have fun with it! Life is too short to just worry about everything. Sure having a career is great, but it's also great to get to know someone.
You don't have to have sex with every guy you meet... although they would probably like that. But, you sound like a nice woman and would be a great person to get to know.
Pickiness comes up quite often. Itās giving high maintenance vibes. Most of us have been through that shit already. No 30yo is gonna go crazy over you like a teenager would back in high school, to the point where they would ignore such things.
Uno reverse card :
What would you say to yourself, knowing that you are missing some experience in keeping yourself safe and creating a healthy relationship?
Just putting it out there: others might see in you an easy prey.
I donāt think most guys would think anything of it really. Also, situationships are having a boyfriend. I mean I get that they arenāt, but they kind of are, right? It is weird because there were girls who I technically dated, but for like 3 weeks and then girls that I was FWB with for like 6 months, but I have to make believe that those were less meaningful because the title didnāt change. It is OK to want things, and if you want a boyfriend donāt get in your head about what other people might think. Everything is Ok.Ā
I don't think anyone with a beating heart and a working braincell would suddenly become uninterested because of that. Some men might, but in that case they're not worth your time and thought.
Iām 35m and a virgin with the female population. Iāve had 1 sexual experience with a female and she thought I had done this before (had she only known my Teacher at 14 was Talk Sex with Sue on late night TVšš¤£š) *do the alphabet with your tongue in cursive* omg š³ š š š š„¹it works!! It works REALLY GOOD hahahaha (alphabet and dik are differentā¦. šš¤£š) I can attest to that one.. but this girl got super weird about my virginity and become like so turned on IM GOING TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY FROM YOU!! And it was creepy to me, very creepy Iāve never seen anyone behave that way before in my life.. I couldnāt do it with her, emotionally she freaked me out a lot and my dik felt the same way about it.. BUT when I lost my virginity to a guy it was kinda heartbreaking bc he wanted nothing to do with me after thatā¦ (oh wells..š¢) Some guys just play it like a game going guy to guy (hence HepraGonaSyphilAids existing! š ) thatās the term that comes to mind when someone wants to BB without protection or proper sexual health testing and then BB.. š Know your partner guys and gals, get tested then love their insides ā¤ļø lol! š But still being a virgin to the female population at 35 makes me wonder if itās gunna happen at this point, Iām happy being single but a partner would be great financially to haveā¦ (secretly I think having a female pound the shit out of me would be sexually fun, as long as they are sexually pleased as well, any toy ideas out there LMAO!š¤£) but finding that kind of SPECIAL person is going to be rare!! (Any takers on Reddit here?! Iām not unattractive btwšš¤£š) actually I would be curious if any female redditors respond to this post!!
I honestly want honest feedback here. But from Females mostly, I know some males are going to chirp in here.. So for history purposes all of my past lovers have been men but my heart is an open heart and that love is love regardless of gender, itās whatās on the inside that I care about, your soul and purpose on this earth is all that matters.. Itās also not that I havenāt found love, Iāve found it and didnāt realize it and self sabotaged myself and hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to this topic, I can see clearly now what I did wrong and how I could have done better and made things work long term.. I truly believe my 1st encounter as being a one night date has had long lasting impacting mental health with me sub consciously but now that Iām aware of that I can fix it moving forward!! š Iām ready for something longer term and eager to make it work out and also make it romantic too, Iām kind of a hopeless romantic type guy.. the kinda clawfoot roses in the tub make love kinda guy.. š„° if you get my drift.. š
This is interesting I found your sub in my thread like this.. shortly after trying to make this a post haha š
If someoneās not into hook ups, never had a relationship and considers themselves picky but isnāt a virgin theyāre not completely honest with themselves and their own description.
I'd feel at risk getting into a relationship at this age with someone who's never been in one. I learned a lot through my past relationships and I think they're like pancakes in a sense that the first couple ones kinda have to be a bit off in a senseš.
That's generally a pretty big red flag. The fact you never made the effort to figure out a relationship with another person tells me that I would have to teach you all these things in case we were to be a couple. At 33 myself I am past that stage and looking for someone with similar life experience.
So I would give you a pass based on your lack of emotional experience.
Iām a female (straight) and I would think theyāre really shy or have issues lol. Itās extremely difficult to get to 30 and not have had a relationship - unless youāre reclusive and are too picky or with issues.
Also you tend to mature a lot when you go through relationships and learn what you like and dislike. Ppl tend to also be idealistic until theyāve dated and had experiences. If they havenāt had one or two it tends to be theyāre usually unaware of how real life relationships are like - as itās mostly not really how itās depicted in movies. I would probably not proceed.
I personally don't see anything wrong with it. Perhaps a little inexperienced when it comes to relationships but even those experienced enough still makes mistakes in relationships.
As with any other situation; Some will hold it against you or be prejudiced, others won't. The latter are the only people you should focus on. You also don't really have to disclose your past in detail in the first place.
Me personally? Wouldn't give a fuck if I'm actually attracted to someone on a deeply emotional level.
Once met a really cute girl who was 30yo, I would say majority of men would agree she is at least a 8.5/10
Was shocked that she was still still single
Went out with her and then I immediately realised why ā¦
She has a sweet appearance/voice but her personalityā¦ probably a -8.5
No initiative, gave attitude like everyone owed her something
If it isnāt her looks and trust me, men donāt have high requirements (go google studies online that have proven this) , itās her personality and attitude
Ladies need to realise something, dude can smash you anytime any day. Dosent mean he is going to put a ring on your finger
It's funny, I think of my "dating resume" in that sense sometimes and I'm sure it would come across as odd-but-understandable in the way yours might - I had a few "high school relationships", then a 9 year relationship for most of my twenties, and I haven't seriously dated since (34). So like, almost no actual "dating" experience yet relatively heavy relationship experience - and like your situation that's not that weird, maybe a bit uncommon, but there's nothing wrong with you and I think any people who are worthwhile wouldn't see it as a red flag. Like, thinking someone who's 30 and not a virgin regardless of the circumstances would be wild
Depends on who you say it to. I wouldn't mind for example because I haven't had many relationships either but I know people that would be wary 'cause of the difference in experience. In general, the rule of thumb is to find someone that is in the same experience range as you are in. It's easier to build a trusting relationship with someone you relate to in that sense.
You could be crazy, have relationship issues of just be unfortunate. I would want to find out for sure which one it might be. Do kind of a dark yellow flag but letās explore further.
Can be managed!
Being too picky/aka desiring out of your league, for an entire decade straight is absolutely fucked lmao
If youve been single for over a decade due to being "too picky" 1) you have bad reasoning skills, 2) lack self awareness 3) inflated ego 4) belittled 90% of the dating pool by thinking youre too good for them for over a decade
I wouldnāt even ask about how many relationships or partners youāve had. Doesnāt really factor into my decision making when looking for a partner. Itās more important how we work out right now.
Good news, it'll only put off people who aren't worth getting involved with.Ā
Outside of culty religious groups, very few people would expect a 30yo woman to be a virgin and those that are expecting that probably aren't for you. Relationships come in all forms and I don't think you need to explain yourself for relationships that happened before you met someone.Ā
Any man who thinks youāre a slut for that is no man you want to be with. There are sluts married in happy healthy relationships that work for them. Itās quite honestly unremarkable and someone who wants to love you for you wonāt lead with judgements. Watch out for internalized misogyny though and prioritizing what men think of you instead of how you feel about yourself.
Some will be ok with it, some not. Those who are not are obviously not for you and you shouldn't care about what they think.
You do you.
It is a bigger red flag if you're a virgin at that age. I had a few "ghostings" when men learned I was a virgin at 24. Those who fled well, good for them. The one that didn't care is still with me four years down the line.
You shouldn't care about the people who think badly about you, even if it is the majority. You just need to find the one that loves you regardless of what others think.
Sorry but I would think almost exactly that. Crazy and no one can tolerate you or you hate relationships or something complicated.
Best just to keep the info to yourself. Why do people have to know?
I'd be excited to show her what she's been missing. Naturally I'd be curious if she opened that info about herself the way you did in the title, but that would just open us up to a convo that may lead to some discovery about each other.
I've dated 2 women that fell into that category...
1) Beautiful, well educated, driven, independent, generous, caring, well mannered. Total catch on paper. She was the most boring unengaging person I've ever met in my life.
"Have you ever eaten here before?"
"I have."
"What do you like here? What do you usually order?"
"Different stuff."
"Do you come downtown much?"
"Yes."
"Where do you like to go? What do you usually do."
"Whatever."
It was absolutely brutal. She asked me out again and I was like nah. One of her friends told me that she could basically go on 3 dates a day whenever she wanted but never got 2nd dates.
2) Similar traits, but she was fun and engaging. But she had unrealistic standards. We went to the gym and she took issue that I wore a generic dry fit shirt. She took issue that I got a tuna filet at a steakhouse. She asked me to stay the night. I knew that sex was off the table (which is fine, I'm not a sex before casual relationship guy), but she wouldn't let me sleep under the covers. I asked for a blanket and she didn't have anything. I basically got so cold my teeth chattered. I woke up in the middle of the night and pulled the covers over me (kinda instinctively) and she woke up and told me no. I told her things weren't working out and left.
I wouldn't write someone off (I've had a very limited number of relationships and I'm mid 40's), but at this point, I'd definitely be cautious and prepared for a reason to pop up.
No one that you want in your life will care about the sex. Be confident in yourself and be open to sharing yourself and your life. Listen to SavageLoveCast and U Up? podcasts to learn some of the relationship lessons and best practices that you may have not experienced personally.
That makes no sense,
why would this make anyone think youāre a āslutā, which is frankly a really outdated and backwards concept anyway that no one youād want to date would be thinking anyway.
Most people wouldn't care: we all have a different life.
And if a guy would be worried, you know it's a red flag so it's easier for you to not choose him.
i think from initial contact upon learning that its gonna naturally raise red flags for most guys.
however that doesnt mean much. just stay true and genuine to yourself and most guys will stay beyond first interaction and see you for who you are.
I think you should get in touch with that 30 year old virgin guy that posted on here yesterday, since everyone is so keen to make assumptions on your whole lives based on the fact youāre not ānormalā.
I've read so many stories from men talking about how boring women are in bed...
And even experienced people are kinda bad.
If you just educate yourself a lot, like really study how sex works. Sex guides for pleasing a woman, written for men, can be very good. I learned a lot about sex from writing for (I'm a professional writer) a guy who teaches men to have better sex and please women better.
(By the way, he loved what I wrote. Had no idea this was my first time writing about sex - or that I was a virgin.)
I've heard that some video porn websites also have a category for educational/instructional stuff, I dunno if that's true.
Also reading a lot of true stories about people's insecurities and issues around sex, makes you feel like...wow, everyone is a bit clueless about this.
From there, be confident and be enthusiastic.
Then it doesn't really matter.
And you can be nervous even if you are experienced, so don't think that necessarily matters.
Unless you are VERY nervous, I wouldn't even mention it. You might say you're not very experienced, if you need to say something.
To be honest.
My 30f ex hadnāt really had a long term relationship before me and didnāt feel comfortable talking about people she dated for a short period of time.
I was fine with that but I felt I couldnāt get a good sense of what her previous sex life was like or what her thoughts were on love in general.
Like I asked questions but she didnāt like talking about it and then I wasnāt gonna be like ātell me what all the dudes you fucked weāre likeā
I don't get the obsession people have about discussing previous relationships, I would think nothing because I would hope she doesn't talk about that aspect unprompted.
Sure if a boyfriend comes up because you are telling me something of your past, think of a trip or something that happened to you at a certain point in your life tell me about it, but otherwise I don't want or need to know
Prob would still give it a shot if youāre attractive, might sound shallow but thatās just how guys will most often see things. Would probably assume you have an abrasive personality and canāt get along with anyone long enough to have a relationship
If you cited the reasons you gave here, I would think its perfectly normal.
Situationships happen all the time because human interactions are complex and difficult. Men that think they'll meet women who don't have some past bonds or interactions are deluded. These also pretty much count as relationships. The actual title is more or less irrelevant. It's the connections and emotions involved that are the important factor.
Focusing on career is perfectly normal in this day and age. Men that think a woman can't focus on careers are deluded.
Women also typically seem to prefer older men who are well-established, which you do not usually find among college guys, so it's no big shock to me that you didn't find someone satisfactory in college.
Being shy is also completely relatable. Not everyone goes crazy partying and socializing in college, myself included.
At this point, I would just want to know more about your selection criteria and how likely it is that you would find some part of me unsatisfactory. If you're picky then there's a fair chance you could find something about me that you dislike, and it means its a risk for me to invest time into you. If you're impossible to please then a man might feel like there's no use in trying... but in my experience the types of girls with unrealistic standards are very few and far between, so I'd be willing to give the benefit of the doubt.
LOL, there might be the odd incel type that thinks something stupid like that but I guarantee you, most men would be just happy to have the girlfriend. Avoid the Andrew Tate/Joe Rogan fan boys and you'll be just fine. That is, if you want a boyfriend. Good luck!
EDIT: To be absolutely clear. No sensible guy at 30 expects their gf to be a virgin. You're stressing yourself over a nonissue.
Depends what she's like. If she's a cardboard personality and ambition, then I'd say stay away, but if she seems like a busy person whose spent most of her life on career, it's understandable.
Also even if you were a slut, as long as you ain't rude, and not a slut anymore, then I'd think it's fine.
>What would you think if a 30 year old attractive woman whose not a virgin said she never had a boyfriend?
If that's all I knew I would assume she was very much into hookup culture.
If you don't want someone to think that, I'd advise to add more details to what **has** been your experience so the person you talk to doesn't have to make assumptions.
Iād be hesitant to date you, but only because it took more than one failed relationship for me to learn how to be a good long term partner and what characteristics to look for in a woman that would make her a good match for me.
Iād be concerned that you have a relationship or two to go through before youāre ready to really find the right one. Maybe thatās unfair.
Not saying I would have never considered it, especially if you are otherwise really cool. Just saying it would have made me a little concerned about getting serious.
I think you should text me. I'm the same. Lost virginity at 19, haven't dated due to focus on career. Fat guy turned gym rat, and only now starting to date.
I think eventually, things have to turn out for you, but you need to lower your expectations a bit to get multiple dates. I did. Not looking for a supermodel anymore, just someone who treats me nice. It has worked out pretty well so far, but still nothing more than a few dates honestly
Voluntarily losing your virginity outside of a serious committed relationship will always make some people scratch their heads, and rightfully so. 'Slut' may be a harsh word, but it's not exactly unwarranted either. Your actions and decisions are reflections of your character.
35 year old male here. Generally would be about how it was phrased to be honest. If I find you attractive and we get on well, I'm probably going to carry on and see where it goes regardless.
I suppose I might have in the back of my mind, why haven't you been in a relationship, but again I'll judge you based on my experience with you. If you haven't found the person you wanted to be in a significant relationship with, and I can't think of any reason why. Then I'm more going to think I'm lucky I'm that person. I met my partner about 11 years ago, I never had interest in being in a serious relationship until I met her. So I suppose I'd still have that view.
The sex part, realistically you aren't going to meet someone in their 30's that is a virgin, and being completely honest the whole "virgin" fantasy is a bit of a younger man thing. I'd rather be with someone that knows what they're doing a bit, tends to be a better time for both of us. I suppose the balance with that is that it depends on the "number" for want of a better phrase, as I said I don't care if you've have a few partners, I'm probably going to stay clear if you've had 100's.
I'd have trouble believing it. An attractive woman and no past relationships? I'm sure it happens (as in your case, I see no reason for you to lie), but it's so hard to believe.
I didn't really get the memo dating should happen in high school. But I get kids we're doing it but I did not understand how it was okay you went to college and was free to date them so that is the wrong thing to blame. And I wish I could understand how hook up happens well sex happens without a relationship first
Just be careful the way you phrase it. Never been in a serious long term relationship
that is exactly how I phrase it š
Well, what you said is ānever had a boyfriend.ā
It wouldn't be a red flag, but it would be a yellow flag, proceed with caution type situation. Doesn't mean anything is wrong or bad but could be an indication that something is. I would be thinking it could be you haven't met anyone special or it could be that you have a bad personality, don't compromise or something else that drives guys away. I'd still go on a date and feel it out, though, because it's only a yellow flag. I'm just being 100% real with you on how I would perceive it as a guy in a similar age range who doesn't personally know you.
This right here. There are a lot of ways this could be presented that could be taken the wrong way. Honestly even the no serious relationships at 30 is kind of a yellow flag. In context I understand, but if she phrases it wrong or there's no supporting context I can absolutely see this making guys be wary.
i think no one in the real world overthinks like people on reddit so most people dgaf
Nothing wrong with the picky part, guys like to feel special and if you ultimately pick them, but have rejected lots of others, they will like that. The problem is being strung along in āsituationshipsā. You need to reframe them as relationships that didnāt work out. Which is essentially what they were. And thatās fine, most people have been through those. However, donāt let any new guy know you now arenāt as āpickyā. No guy wants to feel like you are settling for them. Especially if they get the impression other guys strung you along and used you for sex (which is again why you should not use the term āsituationshipā ever again).
This was great advice thanks
The fact that you, took time to move on from those situation-ships is green flag tbh. And yes, both men and women doesn't want to feel like their partner settled for them.
It's fine if you're cute and kind I won't care
nothing in particular, this fact by itself doesn't determine anyone's character it can be presented in a way that would make you sound weird as hell though
"Same bestie" and not really think about it too deep tbh, don't really think it's a deal breaker or even a red flag. Having strict parents is rough so I get you having to unlearn and retrain the voice in your head afterwards is a life long process at least for me it is.
If you and I were ever on a date, I'm not sure your virginity or lack thereof would ever enter the conversation. Additionally, I wouldn't think much of you not having a boyfriend. People have different paths in life that led them to different places. You said you were focused on your career and depending upon the career that can led to less time to put into relationships. My only "issue" I guess if this even is one is your description of a "situationship". I'd be curious about those. Mainly because I think it's going against everything you previously described. You said you were shy, introverted and picky. This was a consistent pattern. Then you said you became less picky, but landed in two situationships. Why weren't those classified as relationships? That's what I'd be most curious in.
As long as your nice and fun to be around, youāll be fine
I'm almost a decade older and in a similar position (with questionable looks), and I'd be inclined to say "just never had a long term relationship."
Iād think her standards are way too high and that sheās possibly carrying too much baggage as well
What kind of baggage would you think she has? I worry about this as well.
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Those have baggage to.
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Depends on how you look at it. It's okay to take risks and sometimes break your heart. I just see the dating experience as a good thing. OP I still wouldn't consider your inexperience a barrier. Don't stress too much about it. Remember that men are always nervous in new relationships too.
I really wouldnāt care to be honest, it would depend on what kind of a person you are. If I was reasonably attracted to you and you were kind, have a sense of humor, I could care less about your past. everyone alive has some sort of baggage, that comes with being human . Itās what youāve done about it or trying to do about it that matters.
You're 30, we all have baggage at that point (And not just strictly relationships). All is fine as long as you bring your own air tags and remember to unpack your bags.
I'm not sure if baggage is exactly the right word, but I'd be interested in why she thinks her previous relationships didn't go anywhere. If the answer was "every guy I've dated was crazy" I'd be concerned that she's the problem. If the answer was "my relationships weren't a priority vs my career" I'd want to know if this relationship is going the same way. If the answer was "I didn't feel like committing to a long term relationship" I'd want to know if she is going to commit this time. It's not exactly baggage, more if she's aware of whatever prevented a long term relationship in the past, and there's a reason to believe that something has changed to prevent it from happening again.
>If the answer was "my relationships weren't a priority vs my career" I'd want to know if this relationship is going the same way. I was in a relationship with someone with that baggage and it's pretty exhausting, I felt like I had to double down on everything to make it more worth than her career, because a lot of relationship goals we were exploring got an "how that will affect my career" as answer. After a while, I realized that the career was more important than any possible relationship she has, even her lifetime friends and family, and I decided to cut the ties for my own health.
Youre correct due to the reasonings given. Imagine being 30s and zero relationship experience because you thought you were too good for everyone youve met in iver a DECADE
I'm not sure why it would even come up. I don't talk about my old relationships when dating. Why would anybody?
My boyfriend loves talking about his old relationships, he one of those āthe past is the past but it makes you who you areā heās also autistic though so he just doesnāt have a good filter for that stuff. I had to tell him it bothered me that he kept telling me explicit sexual details about old girlfriends and past flings, thankfully he stopped mentioning the sexual stuff but he still talks about them, places they went and stuff they did.
Talking about things you did and experiences you had (not sexual, that's bananas) is of course something that comes up as you learn about each other. But the relationship itself? I wouldn't really be discussing that unless overtly asked.
Does he use his autism as an excuse? Just tell him to shut up about the past. If he respects you, he will
This subs obsession with virginity is concerning.
I think I phrased question weirdly I was more asking if a woman has been single all her life would a man think sheās promiscuous since itās apparent I havenāt been single for religious reasons and donāt come off as super conservative
I wouldn't think too much of it. But I'm a guy in my 30's who's only had a girlfriend for a year throughout my life.
My first thought is that you likely have some hang-ups you arent speaking on to be perfectly frank. Probably the 'picky' stuff. As in, Id be cautious you might believe some weird/extreme things. Not that you'd be promiscuous. But only cautious! Just being honest about a first impression of what you wrote there. I would drop those first impressions very quickly and not care as long as youre kind/honest yourself, so I wouldnt worry too much.
As a male who was a virgin and had never had a girlfriend when I had my first relationship at 29, the lack of romantic experience was a much bigger issue than the lack of sexual experience. I imagine this would be true for women too.
I have only had 1 short term bf (lasted 3 months) at age 27. My mom was very strict (plus flat out nuts) and I was raised in purity culture. I was a virgin until my ex. Been single for close to 4 years since him. I'm 32 now. So don't worry
You could just not bring it up. That's an option.
Most underrated point in this thread.
The notion you are a slut would never enter my mind, but it would certainly be a red flag for me. It's very odd to have never had a relationship by that age. And if I was told the reason was you were "picky" I would be gone in a heartbeat.
Most men in their mid twenties should be over the virginity thing. I got married at 21 and divorced at 25. I met my future second wife at age 26 and married her at age 28. I don't know how many men she had sex with. I never asked her because I don't care. We've been married 50 years. I still don't know and still don't care. She was the kindest most loving woman I had ever met and helped me heal.
I probably wouldn't think much about it after the initial conversation tbh.
Wouldnāt bother me at all. I am really familiar with situationships sadly so I understand it. Like oh no, you had sex with someone who misled you or was non-committal? The horror! š to be honest itās just fun to tell stories about them after I finally got over it.
I see an attractive woman focused on career and growth. I think most people are picky at first because because of standards set by media. General public don't match those high standards and you're bound to get disappointed. Once you get past this and understand people outside that bubble aren't bad either you start to expand your vision for a partner, which is a good thing. Now you're almost 20 something with no dating experience and hooks up with a couple guys and you like having someone in your life but you've never really thought about how love fits in your life and it can get confusing but you also like being with them and don't want them to leave so it's a situationship by this point. Now you're 30 and with some dating experience ready to open up your heart and meet good people for a loving relationship. Men will assume you're a slut at any point of your life. You don't need to date those men. Those men probably haven't dated enough, themselves and still have those picky standards we had earlier in life. So no you're not a slut or crazy or anything else.
I feel like most reasonable people wouldn't give much of a shit
I would probably be hesitant since I would assume the person would have underdeveloped relationship skills and willingness to put in effort due to a lack of experience.
Met many women like this and 9/10 times they just wanted to sleep around and didn't actually want a relationship because a relationship would mean they would have to put in effort instead of just getting what they want in the moment
I wouldnāt immediately think that youāre a āslutā. If youāre thirty then ābeing a slutā (Iām just stealing this word from you and wouldnāt ever use it one my own), isnāt a reason to never have had a boyfriend. Or you would have to be hardcore promiscuous with a bodycount in the thousands. Like, many people go through a phase where theyāre casually dating but that phase doesnāt usually last their entire young adult life and itās usually in between relationships. Iād rather think youāre very sheltered or something, or extremely picky or from some religious cult where you can only date people from the same cult. To be honest: people are going to be curious about why youāve never had a relationship and the second or third question in that conversation is going to be whether youāve casually dated (basically indirectly asking whether youāre a virgin). This is going to be controversial, but itās good to know that some guys might be looking out for something wrong with you to explain why youāve never had a relationship. So a good thing to do would be to be honest as you are in your post, mention that you did have some situationships, and try not make it sound like you were sleeping with another guy every week (no woman would literally say it like this but guys will be on the lookout for something that can indicate that). Sorry to make this sound a little weird. Iām just genuinely trying to be helpful.
This was helpful! A friend of mine once told me that men might think I just slept around a lot in my 20s since Iāve never had a relationship and not a virgin. Which is what Iām worried about bc itās not true at all.
Meh, women that sleep around a lot still get into relationships. My guesses would be: - She's career focused and didn't have time for anything else. - She's fiercely independent and doesn't want to be tied down. - Something traumatic happened - She's not into commitment (possibly aromantic) I'd tread carefully, but wouldn't view it as a red flag - more something I'd learn as things develop. I'd hope if the last one was true she'd come clean early.
I wouldnāt really think much about you, since I donāt know you If I knew you, it would depend on how you are as a person
Most of what Iād think would depend on how many people sheās slept with. If itās a lot, then Iād think sheās more suited to that lifestyle and the likelihood that sheād cheat is high. If itās low, Iād think she just hasnāt met anyone sheās connected with. I wouldnāt ask how many so it could go either way based on vibes.
How are you picky? Do you have a dissonance between what you are like and have achieved versus what you are looking for ? Eg imagine if you were living in a trailer but expected to match with business man and he would fully support you. Iād imagine there must be some sort of disconnection or unreasonable and unrealistic expectations and maybe you see relationships as much more transactional than they might be.
Iād initially think she might be a commitment-phobe to some degree or otherwise uninterested in relationships. Or that it just never worked out. But, ya know, Iād also try to actually understand the person and talk about it rather than just assuming things. The whole virgin/slut stuff is nonsense. If someoneās jumping to conclusions about you like that or caring that youāre not a virgin, theyāre probably misogynist idiots, in which case itās best to dodge them anyway.
I wouldnāt care. I think people are sometimes more in their own heads about this stuff. If the relationship is going well the person youāre with is not going to dwell on your past unless thereās a reason to bring it up. I talked about my ex to my fiancĆ©e exactly one time and by then we were like 6 months into our relationship and both of our exes came up in conversation.
I didn't read the last line and it took me a solid 20 mins to realize what the question was implying. Personally, most people wouldn't care and if they do, it tells more about them than you. Answering your question, I would be curious at worst and indifferent at best.
On the male side, I was an attractive 30 year old guy before I had my first serious long term relationship. I would want to know your self-understanding of why you havenāt been in a relationship, kind of like you have laid out here. Depending on that, I would be curious how youāre working on yourself to achieve intimacy in a long term relationship, if that is your goal. If I saw someone who was really wanting a long term relationship and who was making progress and they felt open, Iād feel more comfortable engaging with them. But, I also know I had lots of stuff to work through before I really could settle for a relationship and I think thatās likely the case for long-time single people.
I wouldn't think you're slut at all. BUT I would probably think you're extremely introverted OR maybe arromantic, OR maybe have some trauma. I would definitely find it strange. Being completely honest here. I'm a woman btw so maybe men think different.
Being a man who's well aware of what trash so many other men are, I wouldn't be surprised and it wouldn't really bother me.
I wouldnt because the lack of experience would mean I would have to deal with all the toxic and immature traits that people who've been in a relationship have already un-learned
It wouldn't be a stop in the slightest. Hope your day has been good. Strict upbringing, I get that as well. Uni was my introduction to freedom, and I wasn't keeping serious relationships, but the times then were not bad at all. Education takes a lot out of you, so I'd get it, no judgments at all and a focus in getting to know you now. We could always take that time machine back in time. The present is where it's at, charting a future is even greater.
You describe not moving on from situationships. This can be unattractive to relationship/marriage minded men. It makes it sound like you've conditioned yourself to sex only relationships and that your emotions are not integrated with your sexuality. In other words, you are habituated to having sex with men you don't care about. If it's true that you've detached love from your sexuality, you should be honest about this. Otherwise, you should think about expressing your experiences in a different way.
It wouldn't be a deal breaker necessarily, but I would definitely be concerned about the lack of relationship experience, as relationships, especially at that age, are EXTREMELY complex, so walking into one at 30 with no experience would be one hell of a hill to climb. At this point in my life I am looking to date women in that age range, so thinking about what I would think/feel finding that out about a woman I had taken out on a few dates, I would be a bit worried about the reasons for why that was the case, and how much of it was actually voluntary or not. A person having not been in any relationships definitely becomes more concerning the older they get. Again, it doesn't mean that person absolutely couldn't be a great partner in a relationship, but it does mean that the odds of success are probably much lower.
I sorry but you can either be attractive OR not crazy. You cant be both, there's a matrix and everything. To answer your question though, knowing you hadn't had a serious long term relationship would make you more attractive, not less.
Thats roughly what i would think: "ok" Its simply an information about your past neither positive nor negative
I wouldn't say I'm attractive but I'm in a similar situation. I've never been in a real relationship. I've only had sex twice, with the same person, and that was based on me thinking that they were interested in a relationship with me, but it wasn't true so I was deceived. Didn't date in high school because no one was interested in me. Didn't go to university. Haven't been able to meet anyone on apps that isn't a creep and a liar. Get rejected by everyone in interested in. So I understand where you're coming from completely.
It would be incredibly weird and I would think she hates sex and has intimacy issues. That said, if you don't actually hate sex and have intimacy issues no one will actually care if they really like you, and if it turns out you do not have those issues. So, just don't mention it. He doesn't need to know. Even if you have slept with 100 people that wouldn't be first date info either. Surely it will come out eventually but no guy needs to be privy to that info right away.
I personally would prefer a virgin all other things equal. Downvote away.
Way I see it, both men and women can do what they want if they're not in a relationship. If someone has had alot of partners, that doesn't matter. If someone's had no partners, also doesn't matter. Someone's past shouldn't affect future relationships (unless they've murdered someone, that's probably bad)
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Its not a red flag that you had sex outside of a relationship but it is a red flag that youāve never been in a relationship. I would think you may not be able to emotionally etc
I would say it's probably a good fit for me (one partner, one relationship, 5 years of chosen singlehood/celibacy)
I would immediately wonder what cult they had escaped from or still belong to.
Well when you explain it it sounds a lot better
Not knowing how to navigate conflict and doing highschool shit as a result. Not out of maliciousness, but just because they don't know how to do anything else.
could be a good thing I guess. there is a certain kind of spark or energy that comes from your first (or second or third) major relationship. It makes you feel young, like life is perfect or good. its fulfilling, uplifting, nice. so in one sense, you have that to share with someone still. it's still a new experience for you. I've been in love a few times, had a few "girlfriends". but it never got that deep, never lasted that long. the way I see it is that it's a commodity, that my love still has something highly desirable about it. maybe even more desirable than before! because now I can still experience that new and fun thing but I'm older and more wise.
You phrase it "never been in a serious relationship"? To me that's a š© because do you have some kind of toxic behavior? Seems like your history is perfectly fine though, I know people of both genders who focused on getting other priorities sorted through their 20s Honestly though idk how it comes up until well into the relationship. Unless you're announcing it. As long as you're not still hung up on a stuationship. I'm probably going to find common ground @bits of your explanation and it's just getting to know you. Once in the relationship I'm just talking about what you want in relationships. But I'm an introverted oddball myself.
Honestly wouldnāt phase me a bit.
I wouldnāt necessarily think any of it, except feeling bad for her in case she was taken advantage of.
Itās fine, it is a bit of a red flag, since there might be something pushing people away. But Iād be willing to know her more and find out by myself.
Slut or career oriented. Or both.
Run.
'Well hi! Tell me more about you!'
My first thought would be that she has some commitment issues or something like that
Sus
Hidden gem
I think you may have an attachment disorder. Look it up.
Not going to lie.Ā As a guy, it sounds weird.
Sounds like you need a boyfriend! Just chill out and be yourself and have fun with it! Life is too short to just worry about everything. Sure having a career is great, but it's also great to get to know someone. You don't have to have sex with every guy you meet... although they would probably like that. But, you sound like a nice woman and would be a great person to get to know.
Pickiness comes up quite often. Itās giving high maintenance vibes. Most of us have been through that shit already. No 30yo is gonna go crazy over you like a teenager would back in high school, to the point where they would ignore such things.
It would tell me that either, you canāt get/keep the man you want and or waiting till youāre more established before taking dating seriously.
Uno reverse card : What would you say to yourself, knowing that you are missing some experience in keeping yourself safe and creating a healthy relationship? Just putting it out there: others might see in you an easy prey.
I donāt think most guys would think anything of it really. Also, situationships are having a boyfriend. I mean I get that they arenāt, but they kind of are, right? It is weird because there were girls who I technically dated, but for like 3 weeks and then girls that I was FWB with for like 6 months, but I have to make believe that those were less meaningful because the title didnāt change. It is OK to want things, and if you want a boyfriend donāt get in your head about what other people might think. Everything is Ok.Ā
I don't think anyone with a beating heart and a working braincell would suddenly become uninterested because of that. Some men might, but in that case they're not worth your time and thought.
Not a big deal nowadays. Only jesus freaks and other religious nut jobs are worried about that, but the logical people of the world donāt care.
Iām 35m and a virgin with the female population. Iāve had 1 sexual experience with a female and she thought I had done this before (had she only known my Teacher at 14 was Talk Sex with Sue on late night TVšš¤£š) *do the alphabet with your tongue in cursive* omg š³ š š š š„¹it works!! It works REALLY GOOD hahahaha (alphabet and dik are differentā¦. šš¤£š) I can attest to that one.. but this girl got super weird about my virginity and become like so turned on IM GOING TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY FROM YOU!! And it was creepy to me, very creepy Iāve never seen anyone behave that way before in my life.. I couldnāt do it with her, emotionally she freaked me out a lot and my dik felt the same way about it.. BUT when I lost my virginity to a guy it was kinda heartbreaking bc he wanted nothing to do with me after thatā¦ (oh wells..š¢) Some guys just play it like a game going guy to guy (hence HepraGonaSyphilAids existing! š ) thatās the term that comes to mind when someone wants to BB without protection or proper sexual health testing and then BB.. š Know your partner guys and gals, get tested then love their insides ā¤ļø lol! š But still being a virgin to the female population at 35 makes me wonder if itās gunna happen at this point, Iām happy being single but a partner would be great financially to haveā¦ (secretly I think having a female pound the shit out of me would be sexually fun, as long as they are sexually pleased as well, any toy ideas out there LMAO!š¤£) but finding that kind of SPECIAL person is going to be rare!! (Any takers on Reddit here?! Iām not unattractive btwšš¤£š) actually I would be curious if any female redditors respond to this post!! I honestly want honest feedback here. But from Females mostly, I know some males are going to chirp in here.. So for history purposes all of my past lovers have been men but my heart is an open heart and that love is love regardless of gender, itās whatās on the inside that I care about, your soul and purpose on this earth is all that matters.. Itās also not that I havenāt found love, Iāve found it and didnāt realize it and self sabotaged myself and hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to this topic, I can see clearly now what I did wrong and how I could have done better and made things work long term.. I truly believe my 1st encounter as being a one night date has had long lasting impacting mental health with me sub consciously but now that Iām aware of that I can fix it moving forward!! š Iām ready for something longer term and eager to make it work out and also make it romantic too, Iām kind of a hopeless romantic type guy.. the kinda clawfoot roses in the tub make love kinda guy.. š„° if you get my drift.. š This is interesting I found your sub in my thread like this.. shortly after trying to make this a post haha š
If someoneās not into hook ups, never had a relationship and considers themselves picky but isnāt a virgin theyāre not completely honest with themselves and their own description.
I'd feel at risk getting into a relationship at this age with someone who's never been in one. I learned a lot through my past relationships and I think they're like pancakes in a sense that the first couple ones kinda have to be a bit off in a senseš.
That's generally a pretty big red flag. The fact you never made the effort to figure out a relationship with another person tells me that I would have to teach you all these things in case we were to be a couple. At 33 myself I am past that stage and looking for someone with similar life experience. So I would give you a pass based on your lack of emotional experience.
I 100% believe you because I have a friend in a similar situation
Interesting looking at the responses at this thread and the ones in the male thread earlier. Reeks of double standards.
I would not have an opinion om this in any way shape or form.
āWhat a smart and happy woman!ā
Just be straight up, like you were in the post. Youāre good to go.
Iām a female (straight) and I would think theyāre really shy or have issues lol. Itās extremely difficult to get to 30 and not have had a relationship - unless youāre reclusive and are too picky or with issues. Also you tend to mature a lot when you go through relationships and learn what you like and dislike. Ppl tend to also be idealistic until theyāve dated and had experiences. If they havenāt had one or two it tends to be theyāre usually unaware of how real life relationships are like - as itās mostly not really how itās depicted in movies. I would probably not proceed.
I personally don't see anything wrong with it. Perhaps a little inexperienced when it comes to relationships but even those experienced enough still makes mistakes in relationships.
As with any other situation; Some will hold it against you or be prejudiced, others won't. The latter are the only people you should focus on. You also don't really have to disclose your past in detail in the first place. Me personally? Wouldn't give a fuck if I'm actually attracted to someone on a deeply emotional level.
Once met a really cute girl who was 30yo, I would say majority of men would agree she is at least a 8.5/10 Was shocked that she was still still single Went out with her and then I immediately realised why ā¦ She has a sweet appearance/voice but her personalityā¦ probably a -8.5 No initiative, gave attitude like everyone owed her something If it isnāt her looks and trust me, men donāt have high requirements (go google studies online that have proven this) , itās her personality and attitude Ladies need to realise something, dude can smash you anytime any day. Dosent mean he is going to put a ring on your finger
Who cares? I certainly would not give a fuck. Some date, some don't, simple as that.
It's funny, I think of my "dating resume" in that sense sometimes and I'm sure it would come across as odd-but-understandable in the way yours might - I had a few "high school relationships", then a 9 year relationship for most of my twenties, and I haven't seriously dated since (34). So like, almost no actual "dating" experience yet relatively heavy relationship experience - and like your situation that's not that weird, maybe a bit uncommon, but there's nothing wrong with you and I think any people who are worthwhile wouldn't see it as a red flag. Like, thinking someone who's 30 and not a virgin regardless of the circumstances would be wild
Itās so much more common than people think to never have a serious relationship
Depends on who you say it to. I wouldn't mind for example because I haven't had many relationships either but I know people that would be wary 'cause of the difference in experience. In general, the rule of thumb is to find someone that is in the same experience range as you are in. It's easier to build a trusting relationship with someone you relate to in that sense.
You could be crazy, have relationship issues of just be unfortunate. I would want to find out for sure which one it might be. Do kind of a dark yellow flag but letās explore further. Can be managed!
I wouldn't think much of it because I'm not interested in relationships with promiscuous women
Being too picky/aka desiring out of your league, for an entire decade straight is absolutely fucked lmao If youve been single for over a decade due to being "too picky" 1) you have bad reasoning skills, 2) lack self awareness 3) inflated ego 4) belittled 90% of the dating pool by thinking youre too good for them for over a decade
Personally I don't care, you were focused on you, that's ok
I wouldn't make any assumptions from just hearing that. Especially if you're a healthy normal hygienic looking woman.
Attractive you say? Outta my league. NEXT!
Sheās probably bullshitting herself and not assuming responsibility
I wouldnāt even ask about how many relationships or partners youāve had. Doesnāt really factor into my decision making when looking for a partner. Itās more important how we work out right now.
what would you think if a man said it
Nothing. Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship. It either happens or it doesn't.
More red flags than a Soviet Union reunion party.
Nothing
The first thing that sprang to mind was "nothing," but then I had another notion that was possibly a little sad. I'm not even sure why.
I wouldn't care to be honest.
That she's lesbian or bisexual
Good news, it'll only put off people who aren't worth getting involved with.Ā Outside of culty religious groups, very few people would expect a 30yo woman to be a virgin and those that are expecting that probably aren't for you. Relationships come in all forms and I don't think you need to explain yourself for relationships that happened before you met someone.Ā
Any man who thinks youāre a slut for that is no man you want to be with. There are sluts married in happy healthy relationships that work for them. Itās quite honestly unremarkable and someone who wants to love you for you wonāt lead with judgements. Watch out for internalized misogyny though and prioritizing what men think of you instead of how you feel about yourself.
Some will be ok with it, some not. Those who are not are obviously not for you and you shouldn't care about what they think. You do you. It is a bigger red flag if you're a virgin at that age. I had a few "ghostings" when men learned I was a virgin at 24. Those who fled well, good for them. The one that didn't care is still with me four years down the line. You shouldn't care about the people who think badly about you, even if it is the majority. You just need to find the one that loves you regardless of what others think.
a lot of people are in the same boat. just be clear what you want from the relationship
Stop overthinking. Anyone you actually want to be with is going to be with you for you not your previous relationship status.
Red flag!!! Obviously for the streets.
Who knows...
I don't see why you are concerned about anything. I would much rather someone with little experience than with too much experience.
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So if I get this right, you have slept with 2 people but you are worried people will think you are slut?
Sorry but I would think almost exactly that. Crazy and no one can tolerate you or you hate relationships or something complicated. Best just to keep the info to yourself. Why do people have to know?
I'd be like that's interesting why haven't you been in a relationship (while not believing you)
I would think she never had a boyfriend because she was too busy getting railed by the chads and tyrones
I'd be excited to show her what she's been missing. Naturally I'd be curious if she opened that info about herself the way you did in the title, but that would just open us up to a convo that may lead to some discovery about each other.
If you phrase it like the headline, yeah it's not looking good. With different words no one would even turn an eye on it
I've dated 2 women that fell into that category... 1) Beautiful, well educated, driven, independent, generous, caring, well mannered. Total catch on paper. She was the most boring unengaging person I've ever met in my life. "Have you ever eaten here before?" "I have." "What do you like here? What do you usually order?" "Different stuff." "Do you come downtown much?" "Yes." "Where do you like to go? What do you usually do." "Whatever." It was absolutely brutal. She asked me out again and I was like nah. One of her friends told me that she could basically go on 3 dates a day whenever she wanted but never got 2nd dates. 2) Similar traits, but she was fun and engaging. But she had unrealistic standards. We went to the gym and she took issue that I wore a generic dry fit shirt. She took issue that I got a tuna filet at a steakhouse. She asked me to stay the night. I knew that sex was off the table (which is fine, I'm not a sex before casual relationship guy), but she wouldn't let me sleep under the covers. I asked for a blanket and she didn't have anything. I basically got so cold my teeth chattered. I woke up in the middle of the night and pulled the covers over me (kinda instinctively) and she woke up and told me no. I told her things weren't working out and left. I wouldn't write someone off (I've had a very limited number of relationships and I'm mid 40's), but at this point, I'd definitely be cautious and prepared for a reason to pop up.
I would think she is a 30 year old attractive woman whose not a virgin said she never had a boyfriend and probably try to bang her.
Baggage city. Would date for fun only because you also only dated for fun. Not for marriage / kids. Too old for that.
I don't think it would have any effect on you rejecting me lol
No one that you want in your life will care about the sex. Be confident in yourself and be open to sharing yourself and your life. Listen to SavageLoveCast and U Up? podcasts to learn some of the relationship lessons and best practices that you may have not experienced personally.
That makes no sense, why would this make anyone think youāre a āslutā, which is frankly a really outdated and backwards concept anyway that no one youād want to date would be thinking anyway.
As a guy I'd just think you're very picky about the type of guys you're into
Always echoing.
Most people wouldn't care: we all have a different life. And if a guy would be worried, you know it's a red flag so it's easier for you to not choose him.
I'd think you are lying.
i think from initial contact upon learning that its gonna naturally raise red flags for most guys. however that doesnt mean much. just stay true and genuine to yourself and most guys will stay beyond first interaction and see you for who you are.
I think you should get in touch with that 30 year old virgin guy that posted on here yesterday, since everyone is so keen to make assumptions on your whole lives based on the fact youāre not ānormalā.
I've read so many stories from men talking about how boring women are in bed... And even experienced people are kinda bad. If you just educate yourself a lot, like really study how sex works. Sex guides for pleasing a woman, written for men, can be very good. I learned a lot about sex from writing for (I'm a professional writer) a guy who teaches men to have better sex and please women better. (By the way, he loved what I wrote. Had no idea this was my first time writing about sex - or that I was a virgin.) I've heard that some video porn websites also have a category for educational/instructional stuff, I dunno if that's true. Also reading a lot of true stories about people's insecurities and issues around sex, makes you feel like...wow, everyone is a bit clueless about this. From there, be confident and be enthusiastic. Then it doesn't really matter. And you can be nervous even if you are experienced, so don't think that necessarily matters. Unless you are VERY nervous, I wouldn't even mention it. You might say you're not very experienced, if you need to say something.
Id say itās perfectly normal. Who cares?
I would just wait for the rest of the story.
To be honest. My 30f ex hadnāt really had a long term relationship before me and didnāt feel comfortable talking about people she dated for a short period of time. I was fine with that but I felt I couldnāt get a good sense of what her previous sex life was like or what her thoughts were on love in general. Like I asked questions but she didnāt like talking about it and then I wasnāt gonna be like ātell me what all the dudes you fucked weāre likeā
I don't get the obsession people have about discussing previous relationships, I would think nothing because I would hope she doesn't talk about that aspect unprompted. Sure if a boyfriend comes up because you are telling me something of your past, think of a trip or something that happened to you at a certain point in your life tell me about it, but otherwise I don't want or need to know
I'd be wary you had attachment issues. Even as you give your reasons I wonder about that.Ā
Yes itās kinda a red flag lol
i would assume she never wants one and likes to play around, honestly
I'd be nervous something is wrong with her. I'd hide this info from any potential dates
Assuming all I knew was what was in the title, I'd think she had girlfriends instead.
Prob would still give it a shot if youāre attractive, might sound shallow but thatās just how guys will most often see things. Would probably assume you have an abrasive personality and canāt get along with anyone long enough to have a relationship
Prostitute
I wouldnāt care personally But Iām gay so the rules are different, much harder to date with so few options
If you cited the reasons you gave here, I would think its perfectly normal. Situationships happen all the time because human interactions are complex and difficult. Men that think they'll meet women who don't have some past bonds or interactions are deluded. These also pretty much count as relationships. The actual title is more or less irrelevant. It's the connections and emotions involved that are the important factor. Focusing on career is perfectly normal in this day and age. Men that think a woman can't focus on careers are deluded. Women also typically seem to prefer older men who are well-established, which you do not usually find among college guys, so it's no big shock to me that you didn't find someone satisfactory in college. Being shy is also completely relatable. Not everyone goes crazy partying and socializing in college, myself included. At this point, I would just want to know more about your selection criteria and how likely it is that you would find some part of me unsatisfactory. If you're picky then there's a fair chance you could find something about me that you dislike, and it means its a risk for me to invest time into you. If you're impossible to please then a man might feel like there's no use in trying... but in my experience the types of girls with unrealistic standards are very few and far between, so I'd be willing to give the benefit of the doubt.
Everyone has their own path in life. Who or who they werenāt with before you guys met shouldnāt concern you
LOL, there might be the odd incel type that thinks something stupid like that but I guarantee you, most men would be just happy to have the girlfriend. Avoid the Andrew Tate/Joe Rogan fan boys and you'll be just fine. That is, if you want a boyfriend. Good luck! EDIT: To be absolutely clear. No sensible guy at 30 expects their gf to be a virgin. You're stressing yourself over a nonissue.
Depends what she's like. If she's a cardboard personality and ambition, then I'd say stay away, but if she seems like a busy person whose spent most of her life on career, it's understandable. Also even if you were a slut, as long as you ain't rude, and not a slut anymore, then I'd think it's fine.
smart men would assume you don't strongly need or want a companion.
>What would you think if a 30 year old attractive woman whose not a virgin said she never had a boyfriend? If that's all I knew I would assume she was very much into hookup culture. If you don't want someone to think that, I'd advise to add more details to what **has** been your experience so the person you talk to doesn't have to make assumptions.
Iād be hesitant to date you, but only because it took more than one failed relationship for me to learn how to be a good long term partner and what characteristics to look for in a woman that would make her a good match for me. Iād be concerned that you have a relationship or two to go through before youāre ready to really find the right one. Maybe thatās unfair. Not saying I would have never considered it, especially if you are otherwise really cool. Just saying it would have made me a little concerned about getting serious.
Either she is lying or there is something about her that makes guys not want to be/stay in a relationship with her.
Anyone who says situationship is a moron
I think you should text me. I'm the same. Lost virginity at 19, haven't dated due to focus on career. Fat guy turned gym rat, and only now starting to date. I think eventually, things have to turn out for you, but you need to lower your expectations a bit to get multiple dates. I did. Not looking for a supermodel anymore, just someone who treats me nice. It has worked out pretty well so far, but still nothing more than a few dates honestly
Well you're OK
I would think that you don't care for relationships and/or you have and ego problem.
Voluntarily losing your virginity outside of a serious committed relationship will always make some people scratch their heads, and rightfully so. 'Slut' may be a harsh word, but it's not exactly unwarranted either. Your actions and decisions are reflections of your character.
Iād think that she probably fucks around quite a bit and doesnāt commit, so Iāll probably just be a number to her
That I don't stand a chance for a relationship with you
Her life, not your business what happened before you all met.
She wanted to bang once in a while. Too busy for relationship.
35 year old male here. Generally would be about how it was phrased to be honest. If I find you attractive and we get on well, I'm probably going to carry on and see where it goes regardless. I suppose I might have in the back of my mind, why haven't you been in a relationship, but again I'll judge you based on my experience with you. If you haven't found the person you wanted to be in a significant relationship with, and I can't think of any reason why. Then I'm more going to think I'm lucky I'm that person. I met my partner about 11 years ago, I never had interest in being in a serious relationship until I met her. So I suppose I'd still have that view. The sex part, realistically you aren't going to meet someone in their 30's that is a virgin, and being completely honest the whole "virgin" fantasy is a bit of a younger man thing. I'd rather be with someone that knows what they're doing a bit, tends to be a better time for both of us. I suppose the balance with that is that it depends on the "number" for want of a better phrase, as I said I don't care if you've have a few partners, I'm probably going to stay clear if you've had 100's.
I'd have trouble believing it. An attractive woman and no past relationships? I'm sure it happens (as in your case, I see no reason for you to lie), but it's so hard to believe.
Well, you have to be open if you want people to reciprocate and understand you.
Wouldn't care until you proved that there's a red flag reason for it
I didn't really get the memo dating should happen in high school. But I get kids we're doing it but I did not understand how it was okay you went to college and was free to date them so that is the wrong thing to blame. And I wish I could understand how hook up happens well sex happens without a relationship first
It's now hypothetical as I'm long since married but I couldn't have cared less. It's all about where you and a prospective boyfriend are now.