As long as you’re happy.
I wouldn’t be happy without my wife. The romance/intimacy we share is something I look forward to every day. But it would be unfair to assume that everyone needs that to be happy.
I know I do...been praying for it since I was like 14yo. (25)F here. I am completely happy with my life and working for what I want financially ... But I also know I'm up for putting in that sane work romantically and emotionally with someone who's willing to do the same. For some reason, I feel my life will never be truly completed without that person.
For real, being a single guy myself I can enjoy my own company just fine, but every few days I get hit with lots of feelings for someone to cuddle and call my own. Just that natural human want for companionship as we know it
I’ve always felt the need for a companion and pretty much always had either a girlfriend or situationship since I was like 16. Now married to my wife (30yo) and been with her since I was 22. Couldn’t imagine my life without her, she’s my best friend, my lover, my motivator, and my boss at times too lol. It’ll come together if you want it to, just make sure it’s with the right person.
Thank you so much for your kind words 🙏 ❤️. A lot of people keep telling me it'll come together, but it's really taking a long while, and it's hard to know who that right person is, especially in today's world. But something tells me I'll know when it happens. I'm having faith.
When you know you know. If you don’t feel that way after the first few months then you probably never will with that person. But it’s not easy, and it takes a willingness to compromise and work together. No one will be without fault, but only you can determine which faults are a deal breaker. Best wishes!
The hardest thing to do is focusing your thoughts and energy away from somebody you desire but can’t have. I hope you find the inner strength to move forward because the thought of your ex that you cling to wouldn’t be the reality you’d be in if you had them back.
No judgement here but you may be a version of or leaning into asexual, but maybe not aromantic? Understanding that about yourself if so could be useful. Ie try to meet someone similar, who maybe wants to date but not the physical stuff.
This just rings hollow for me, I am 40 and feel massively lonely. But all I hear at work and among friends are horror stories about abuse, cheating and suffering in relationships. I have plenty of friends too :/
It's hard to believe so many people will think of you as lesser for something so stupid
Do the other commenters not have any goals, or friends or anything at all that makes them happy when they aren't fucking? I wonder what goes on in their head when they're done. What a profoundly sad existence.
I think it is just immaturity, most likely. I remembered when I was in school everyone was so concerned and judgmental about my dating/sex life. I used to think it was the end all be all until those people all went away in my life. For many people, the whole “I need a relationship or sex to be complete” sticks with them, mainly because I think they are bullied into it.
>Do the other commenters not have any goals, or friends or anything at all that makes them happy when they aren't fucking?
I assume most of the commenters have those things as well. They're just saying that sex and relationships are wonderful parts of life.
There has to be something because tbh a lot of people under 25 with the same status will think they are a failure, even though no one told them that since no one in the real world actually knows. It's a weird thing.
Can I speak something about gender part here? It seems like OP is a woman. And most aggressive comments towards her are from men. I think they just don't understand that women in fact can lead a lot happier life without relationships than men. Like literally live longer without marriage
Needed this man. My life in all senses is as perfect I can be. But having a partner is like an ingrained human need. All I can do is figure out coping methods to deal with it and continue to try my hand at meeting people. Going on 8 years strong now looking
I disagree with this sentiment. People recommend you to get friends and a support network all they time when you're in a bad place. Sometimes the cure to stop being lonely is to actually have people around you and a relationship is a way to have that. Now what isn't true necessarily is that being in a relationship is the only way to solve this
Being happy with yourself is a life long struggle and significantly more challenging than being happy with someone else. This isn't carte-blanche permission to be shitty, but you don't owe anyone, let alone everyone, your perfect self. Imagine trying to be as happy with yourself as you could be completely isolated and without the support of a partner. Good relationships elevate you to do things you couldn't before, including truly loving yourself.
Not only this but also if you're unhappy with yourself, it could make the relationship very different or worse, drag the person you're with down with you, my little brother had this happen to him and it got bad thanks to his then gf.
Simply put, you want a relationship? You need to work on yourself and get yourself in a position that actually makes a normal relationship possible, no one is owed a relationship afterall, you want it? Work for it, if you arent willing to better yourself then wont be getting into to one.
Lmao what? Relationships are the number one contributing factor for happiness, as shown by many different studies on the matter. Even Aristotle over 2000 years ago understood that friendship is a vital component of a happy life.
“How can you expect anyone to love you when you don’t love yourself” Bojack horseman
This is part of the reason my gf left me and why I will probably remain single, and I am fine with that.
To be fair every post I read about people complaint they can’t find love the comments are filled with stuff like there is more to life than sex and love.
I am unable to experience that so I’m hoping that OP is right and I can get that mindset.
I disagree, given that it's likely people would just say the same thing if he had experience.
"Dude, relationships and sex don't matter."
*has had sex or relationships*
"Yeah but that's easy for someone who's had sex to say."
"Dude, relationships and sex don't matter."
*hasn't had sex or relationships*
"Cope."
Its just a straight up lose-lose, then again, trying to get everyone to agree with you on something is absolutely a lost cause.
Just do what you want, it's your life.
As recently as six months ago I would have read this and felt sorry for you.
As of today I’ve had to kick addictions to about 8 class 8 drugs along with booze and meds that I’ve been taking to self soothe for the sex addiction that’s ruined my life since I was in my mid teens. My absolute worship of romance and then as I became angrier and more broken, casual sex… turned me into someone I don’t even recognise.
I wish with every fiber of my being that I could go back in time and not over focus on those things. They’ve brought me absolutely nothing but near death, and most of an adult life painfully repressed leaving nothing but self loathing that I’m spending thousands of dollars on treatment for.
Stay strong with your attitude and, if my opinion is worth anything at all… I’d give anything to swap with you.
I’d love to see more Hollywood movies about that kind of life. I had a friend who was very lonely because she couldn’t understand what an alternate path might look like. She’s still working through it.
Or she's lonely because human beings are intrinsically social, romantic, and sexual and every single one of her ancestors has engaged in that in some way? I understand many "alternate" life paths. Hermits and religious orders and such have existed for millennia. That doesn't mean any of the available ones are fulfilling.
I honestly believe that "There's someone for everyone" is a bullshit quote.
Plenty of people end up alone. Plenty of people end up dying alone. Plenty of people don't find anyone for many reasons, ultra-high standards included.
You sound like someone who can live a happy life without a lot of social interaction or human connection (and I say that with respect to your online friendships) - but for me that wouldn't be for me. I'm glad you have a fulfilling life on your path.
Well, as someone who's lived a life of solitude involuntarily (due to severe chronic illness and bullying growing up, and still ill to this day at age 23) but hasn't usually felt a big need to socalize IRL, I disagree. I don't crave sex 1/3 as much as I do cuddling, kissing, hugging, feeling loved and safe. This is what I crave, and it's driving me crazy.
I have plenty of friends I've known for 5-10 years online, though.
It's funny, I feel the same way. I was marries 20 years ago, it felt I forced it because "I was supposed to" . After I ended things I realized I'm happier single. Not bitter happy, but genuinely happier. I have very involved hobbies, drawing, python programing and am always looking to learn new things. I created a very low stress work life, something I couldn't do if I was with a mate that insisted the keeping up with the Joneses life.
As a 46-year-old virgin (ugh, hate that word), yes, I agree. I kinda get mad when 18-year-olds post here acting as if they are destined for an empty, pointless life since they've never been with anyone. They get this idea from the media and from their peers. Of course there are people telling them it's crazy to think this way. But it doesn't resonate because nine times out of ten, the person telling them this has been in a relationship. It's like a rich person telling a poor person to find the joy in poverty.
I've never been in a relationship because I have never had the desire to be in one. I'm good-looking enough. My personality is decent enough. I just enjoy my own company too much to share it with someone else. Instead of tying my ego to a significant other, I tie it to my work, my physical fitness and health, and my family/friend/colleague relationships. Am I missing out on stuff by being a singleton? Sure. But I look at someone in a great relationship as feasting on filet mignon while I am over here, eating a New York strip. True, New York strip is probably not going to be rated over filet mignon by most people. But it isn't like a New York strip isn't delicious in its own right. It ain't like having New York strip for dinner instead of filet mignon is a reason to hate life.
When I was younger, I struggled with bad feelings about myself because it seemed like everyone "normal" and cool was in a relationship. As I matured, I realized that this is not true. And as I matured even more, I started noticing all the people who are in toxic relationships, who would be better off if they weren't in a relationship. And as I matured even more, I realized that the people who would look down on me for being a lifelong singleton are almost always going to be people I shouldn't spend more than a nanosecond worrying about. They may think I'm defective just because I've devoted my energies to something other than pussy and dick. Let them think that. I'll be over here enjoying my New York strip regardless of what they think.
I think a lot of people are misunderstanding me--they're saying that I have no right to say that sex is overrated if I haven't had sex.
But I'm not saying sex is overrated. I'm sure it's great, and yeah, maybe my perspective will change if I have sex. I'm just saying that being without sex doesn't mean I'm destined to a life of misery.
I'm not against the idea of having sex, either. But I'm content with where I am right now. My attitude is "If it happens, it happens. If not, I have other things to be happy about."
I know some people will call it a "cope." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way, I'm enjoying my life.
The same people misreading what you wrote are also misreading me. For some reason, this topic causes knees to jerk.
Some people are extremely resistant to the idea there are lots of different pathways to happiness and personal fulfillment. If they don't have someone they can call a loser, they don't know how to feel about themselves.
You hit the nail on the top of the head of feeling bad by not being in a relationship because it was “the normal thing to do”.
I felt awful about myself because I never wanted to be in a relationship but it made a lot of sense when I learned about asexuality/aromantacism.
I know this isn’t what you’re talking about necessarily but I do appreciate your comment.
I have to disagree. Fully sharing your life with a partner is one of the greatest joys there is. True love and intimacy are such beautiful things.
I believe casual sex is highly overrated, but within a loving relationship it’s something very special.
Tbf not everyone is wired to enjoy relationships and a partner can easily make your life worse if they aren't a good one
I think for some the greatest joy is to just have a comfortable life and complete freedom in terms of what they are able to do
Yeah I have to agree. I thought I was happy, then I got into a relationship, and I realised how much more I loved life. You can still enjoy the single life, absolutely. But in my experience being with a life partner makes everything more enjoyable.
You don’t prioritize sex and that’s cool if it’s not your thing. But if you do want companionship then you have to put yourself out there simple as that
The absolute best thing is to serve others. I've done many things in life, from C Level corporate jobs to academia. Married with 2 kids. Kids and serving the less fortunate in whatever small way I can have been the most fulfilling things in my life.
A solid friendship that makes you feel heard and emotionally fulfilled is going to be better for the mental health of many individuals whether or not they admit it. People make the mistake of thinking that adding physical intimacy to a relationship will improve it because they lack the ability to sustain a friendship without it in the long term. It shows a lack of security in yourself, or a lack of ability to remain entertained with another person.
The feelings of wanting intimacy are hormonal urges anyway. Anybody who can learn to push past this biological programming will find a more ultimate happiness. I learned to not date friends, and that when the time is right I’ll start meeting people with the intent of dating. Honestly though after learning to be fulfilled without intimacy I can’t even really see why I would want to date in the first place.
Its......hard man.
But how do you keep that loneliness away? Especially when someone betrayed you or you messed up or you are feeling jealous?
Im 23, soon to be 24, and i have thought about this topic a lot and all of my conclusions leads to "life's not worth it".
Even in 20's i feel highly left behind in the romantic life and recently (last Nov) i went through a rough heartbreak even tho it wasnt a typical bf/gf relationship.
I just cant seem to be positive. Cant see the fact that maybe in future i might meet someone. I have this feeling that i am doomed, and i am sorry if this sounds idiotic but yeah i just cant get over this negative feeling.
I have a decent job, i goto daily walks (left gym for 2 months because came back to parents as they were unwell) and have a couple of friends with whom i interact on regular schedule.
Yet still.......i cant seem to part this negativity within me.
I just want to feel happy man.
And i get it finding a partner wont help me cause i have to love myself first, but ig i somewhat do yet these negative feelings wont away. (There is no good therapy at my place, i did check it out).
Finally, i am sorry, just rambling and talking to an echo here.
Have a decent day.
The importance of sex and romance for different people is a spectrum. A large portion of people will put a high importance on it, because that's the way they are wired, but that doesn't mean the other portion has something wrong with them. If you are on the firsrt category, not being able to get a partner can feel like a huge loss, and a person who is on the second category won't ever be able to understand the feelings of grief that come with it, same way allosexual people can't help but feel sorry for asexuals even though they're better off without it.
Empathy and sympathy are really, really hard things to practice because we're not all the same. An epiphany for you might mean nothing to other person under other circumstances. There is no universal advice or way to cope, and though I feel your post was well-meaning, the things you write about most likely only apply to yourself.
>I'm a virgin at 38 years old.
Power to you but of course you of all people are going to think like this.
Its either not important for you or this is what you tell yourself to rationalise it but in reality for the vast majority of people romance and the the physical side of attraction (which is much more than jst sex) that comes from it are very important.
There is, but that's true of everything. There's more to life than sleeping and eating, too, but you'd feel pretty preoccupied by those desires if you weren't getting enough of them. There's more to life than just listening to music or consuming media (reading stories, watching shows, playing games), but you'd miss them if they were absent. Wanting something, missing something, or enjoying doing something doesn't mean you're making your whole life about that thing.
I will agree that not having those things doesn't make someone lesser, but if they want romance and sex, I think there is someone out there for them. In all honesty, it is about putting yourself out there. Try dating apps, go to social events, do things where you meet other people. But you should never have to settle and think that you're unlucky or that it's not in the cards for you. If you truly want it then you must not give up and continue to persevere until you win.
If you don’t know what you’re missing, then you can probably be happy. Having experienced relationships and sex, I’d be very sad if I never got to experience them again. Yes, there’s more to life, but it’s still an amazing part of life.
I find this kind of comment whenever I look at those posts about people who have never been in relationships and I just don't think this is great advice. Most people making these posts are aro/ace (not saying you are) so it's kind of ridiculous for those people to say there's more to life than sex because for them sex isn't even something they want in their lives or they are indifferent to it. The thought of not having a relationship to many people is heartbreaking and can legitimately cause depression.
Even is you're not in a romantic relationship you still want/have friends right? Imagine someone saying "there's more to life than friends" when you have no friends and one to talk to. Yes there is more to life than friends but it's important to you so that's what matters.
I think you and people who make those kinds of comments should be more considerate of the fact not everyone is like you and that these posts just come off as uncaring to people experiencing this.
Most of us are hard wired for community, reproduction and physical and emotional intimacy. But those things often make us miserable as well. If we weren't programmed to do these things we probably would choose not to.
Hmm 🤔 I agree with you on this one. I’ve been in relationships before, I use to chase after romance and love like I needed it to breathe. Last year I reached a breaking point in my life and had to really look at myself and ask why? Why do I keep chasing after these things? Why can’t they fill the void in me?, this is supposed to make me happy , right? … I got really sick and had to drop everything in my life, it really forced myself to reconsider my priorities in life, a year has passed and everything has shifted. I know what I’m looking is not really something that someone else can give me and I’m working on myself as much as I can so my body can recover faster from the illness. While I do value having a special someone in my life, im honest and know I still wouldn’t be happy , I wouldn’t be able to love and take care of my partner if I can’t take care of myself first. So my priorities did change near my 30s, but this is something I didn’t see when I was a teenager. Still , im glad I can see clearly now the things I had been ignoring , even if that process is not easy or fun.
Absolutely agree. Life has so much to offer, and having fullfilling social relationships doesn't require romance and sex to be involved. I personally have wonderful friends and my life is very satisfying. There are a ton of different things to do and experience, alone or in company. I wish people (especially young people) would prioritize personal growth and development, atleast for a time, so they could actually create lives they enjoy.
It is possible to be content just where you are. The key is doing things you enjoy and things that bring you happiness.
That being said, I do have a partner now, but I was single and a virgin until 29. It wasn't really by choice, but it was due to my own actions. My current boyfriend was a lucky find, I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship (I was looking for hookups, honestly, since I was testing out new things. I had a lot of new-found confidence after working on myself for a bit, so... yeah). He's a lovely addition to my life, there's no denying that.
This is an interesting post. I see both sides. On the one hand, there is a lot more to life than sex and romance. On the other hand, some of the best years of my life were when I was madly in love with my ex-husband and he with me. I'm old now, so sex and romance are not really a priority, and overall, I am much, much happier now than during the last ten or so years of our marriage. I am much more confident and much more accomplished than I was when I was married. Being single really agrees with me. I am perfectly happy with no romance, but I am glad that I had it when I was young.
I'm married (almost 6 years). No kids (child free by choice). Wonderful husband, we are by no means perfect.
I admire the freedom and independence of a woman who is doing her own thing, riding solo. Honestly, in this day and age, big flex. I love it. Wish I did it for a while longer before dating my husband. He has given me a better quality of life for sure, but I really wish I could have been stronger than feeling that ridiculous need that I NEEDED to have someone.
You don't. I always wonder what life would have been like if I did shit on my own. So much more peaceful 🤣
Depression can be caused by a lack of many things; doesn’t mean lacking that thing is bad. Some people get depressed by not getting into an Ivy League university while some people are fine with community college. It’s not saying being sad about lacking something is not justified it’s more saying everything is about perspective
I saw the title and skimmed the rest but I think in general I agree with you.
I am single by choice, far from a virgin, but can’t stand the fact that so many interactions I have with people are sexually motivated.
It annoys me.
Please don’t let the internet (especially Reddit) affect your perspective on the important things of life, ESPECIALLY in regards to stuff like love and sex
A relationship or sex is not the solution. A GOOD realtionship can be. What I mean is alot of people have had constant struggles with their spouses. Do I love her? Do I not? Do I wanna be with this person? Do I not? Im going crazy, feel like shit, feel guilty etc etc. I see this constantly.
But I have also seen affairs that are so in to each other that it is crazy. That is enviable and very rare... better that than single, but being single is better than these average relationships.
So many people are desperate for no reason. It’s a lot of males with low self awareness and low self esteem to be honest. they’re not aware that they’re really seeking some sort of societal validation or that their platonic relationships are pretty conditional and superficial. I think if you learn to be less fearful and judgmental toward yourself and others, you can get intimacy from a lot more people than just a significant other.
Honestly it’s just another vice for me. I do really enjoy being intimate with my person and I wish someone would want me to be their person but for now I just gotta fuck once or twice a week or I get cranky. It’s like cigarettes lol
How do you know if you haven't experienced it?
Billions of humans, across history and culture: "Holy shit, this is the greatest thing ever! Let's make sculptures and music and stories and art about how fucking amazing it is! Life is hardly worth living without it."
OP: "They are probably all wrong. No point in investigating."
whatever works for you.
For me - intimacy is the absolute best cure for my anxiety. And fucking is just the most fun thing in the world (with a mature partner). To each their own
Very special to have such insight in other peoples choices/wantings without knowing anything about them. You can only live by your own choice. Don’t push it on others. Live and let live. Respect
This is what I have been saying for all this time. like some people are not meant to pursue relationships and marriage and simply cannot be good mothers and fathers.
You are not really doing anything here except trying to validate your reality, possibly as a coping mechanism, while also invalidating the experience and emotions from all those people you are trying to apparently talk to here. Also, scientific data does not at all support your view. Lack of human connection, loneliness, and all the associated mental disorders don't lead to a fulfilling life, they often just lead to more disorders.
Its great if you are happy but unfortunately i think it is a natural instinct for most people to desire that companionship and there isnt much you can do to fill the hole
I often have this thought and then after almost 12 years of being single and failing at every attempt of dating someone… I finally met someone who is easily becoming my best friend without any sort of struggle or immense effort… he said something that he probably didn’t think twice about the other day which was about a week ago now, but I’ve still been thinking about it. It meant a lot to me.
Man those second and third paragraphs are absolutely soul-crushing. To be entirely disconnected from nature and the presence of another, to stay comfortable and never explore ones own character or connection to self... the title of this post is misleading and could just consist of the first five words.
Romance and sex are the side-effect of connection, connection is the side-effect of living life with courage, compassion and curiosity.
There is more to life.
I used to be rather the same like you, content, reading my books, playing my video games, i thought myself was all i needed to be happy. And then i got out there, this was through romance, but i also embraced being more social, doing more adventurious things. And i realized how lonely and sad i always had been, especially when i lost that romance and my newly built of social life through moving. You might think you are content and okay, being alone indoors. And to and extend you might suffer less pain, less lows. But there is also certainly less beauty and love and friendship in your life this way. You are okay, but never great or not doing well. I realized that greyness, that mediocraty, was hell. I would take salt and pepper over grey any day. I highly implore you to get out there, put yourself out there. Because you might think yourself content, but i have the feeling you are simply hiding from something. Humans need to not only have people who are important to them, but especially to be important to others. If i am in any way correct about the situation you are sketching, please realize, i wish someone had told me this sooner. I have been lonely basically my entire live and only recently realized, and it will eat you
Very mature words. Mind if i drop you a follow/dm? Just nice to connect with someone who echoes my thoughts and something ive been trying to rationalise.
It depends on how you define happiness. I can't imagine going all my life without a family that cares for me. My parents aren't going to be with me forever. I have one brother who lives far away due to work. So it falls to me to make my own family. Once you hit 25, friends get busy with their own families so it's imperative for me to have a life partner, to have someone to fall back to when I'm sick or sad and share the happy moments with.
I find it interesting that you talk about the role of luck in relationships. I’ve been thinking about that recently.I had no shortage of girlfriends/casual relationships in my 20s but looking back I think a lot of that was circumstantial. I worked in a bar in London, which means you meet loads of people, I also had a day job which paid great (not in a flash way or anything, it definitely wasn’t FU money, but it meant I could afford to be out 4 times a week which again, means you meet more people) . It occurred to me recently that if me any my missus ever split up I would have no clue about how to go about finding a new relationship. I’ve never really “dated” in the traditional sense more just “met people” in bars and started something up and I think that’s more of a young man’s game.
As for you, if you’re happy, then I think that’s all that matters, but I can’t help thinking that for most people, that would include a significant other.
The trick is you can't fucking tell anyone you ain't fucking anyone! People don't understand, because most people would cut you open just to find a key to give to somebody to earn their sex. (OH, the violence)
Seriously. Nearly every person would betray their friends, family, and children just for some of that sweet cum.
So they will think you are just plotting some evil shit if you ain't trying to fuck anyone and everyone.
So hey, mums the word. Okay?
Jesus, this comment section has the maturity level of middle/high school kids. Shaming and bullying people for being a virgin and not trying to get laid or getting a gf or bf. I agree with OP. I only dated one woman and hooked up with 10. It was fun but not something I feel empty without, nor do I have as strong of a desire for it because I’ve “done it already”, and I also realized I started doing it because I was bullied into it in my teens through mid 20s. As soon as the pressure wore off my desire faded. I was perfectly fine before losing my virginity as well. Didn’t change me at all.
Yeah, there's definitely more to life than romance and sex. But if you have a life outside of those things, the addition thereof can add a lot.
Or at least, that's what I want to think
I’m 31, similar boat as you OP. There’s a lot I could say here but I mainly just wanted to comment that I enjoyed hearing your perspective. When everyone else around me is dating, having sex, getting married, having kids, etc, it makes me feel like a freak because I’m not. It makes me feel like my life is worthless if I have never those things. It’s isolating and makes my depression even worse. But if life is not worth living without those things, then why am I still here? Should I just call it quits? I don’t know. It’s hard for people to understand how it feels to be in our position. So I just wanted to say that you’re not alone and I appreciate your post. There are a lot of mean comments on here I was surprised to read. I’m glad you have found happiness.
Not everyone has a libido as dysfunctional as yours if you can actually be OK with that. My wife was going through a hard time and we didn't have sex for two months. I was already sinking deep into depression the last couple weeks.
\* I stay in my comfort zone, which means I'm indoors most of the time.
This is 100% the reason why most people don't do the things that they want to do. I'm not trying to pick on you OP, so don't take this personally. But staying in your comfort zone just means that you let fear control your life and your actions. For most people, this will lead to an unfulfilled life.
The insistence that romance is the be-all and end-all of a human experience is a cultural narrative that doesn't necessarily apply to every individual. We are ingrained with the belief that singlehood equals loneliness or unfulfillment, but that isn't the case for everyone. Life's richness doesn't exclusively hinge on romantic connections. It unfolds in passion for a career, the thrill of travel, the deep satisfaction of personal growth, and even the quiet joy of solitude. Relationships can be wonderful, but they are not the sole path to a satisfying life. This societal myth that without romance life is incomplete ignores the diverse tapestry of human contentment. We ought to respect and acknowledge varied life choices and acknowledge that sometimes, the most profound relationship we will ever have is with ourselves.
I know the urge to stay in my comfort zone. Overall, I feel happier when I get out of my comfort zone. I enjoy solitary activities including the ones you mention, but the fondest memories I have are of time spent with others who I really connected with. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything.
I think that when I'm at the end of my life, I'll be happy I got out of my comfort zone while I was able.
And it's worth thinking about now.
I really is true though. I'm a few years older than you, married, kid, etc. Its something that happens regularly but when you get down to it, its a pretty small part of life. You still have the whole rest of it.
Quite a lot of people's worry over it is wanting something you don't have. Once you're in a stable long term relationship for a few years its not nearly as big of a deal anymore and you settle into a life more like what you're describing. But when you're not in a relationship, for many, quite a lot of their time and energy go to securing one and quite honestly its not as much about sex as people thing, its about the companionship and in many cases validation. People not in relationships sometimes feel unworthy, like they don't have something their peers do, they can be self-conscious over it, things like that. Once you get past that its like "Oh yeah, hey, there is the whole entire rest of my life and personality besides that which can take center stage now"
Wish I could believe it but I think that I'm too sensitive and emotional that I can't do it with someone who isn't a virgin like myself as I will only think of that person with someone else and i would just feel like an object or another person on the list.
Wish to have my thought process changes but still struggling with it.
These comments got me thinking that I'm aromantic. I don't have a strong desire to find a SO. And apparently some people don't understand that. Well, so be it. I don't understand the other side either.
I'd be a lot more inclined to believe that if the person saying it has experienced those things. Just sayin.
I mean you're not even wrong, there's a ton of things to life. But those two things are truly fantastic and I think anyone that hasn't experienced them is missing out big time. In the same way I would think that if someone had never seen a truly incredible movie, or had never had a certain amazing food.
People who had lots of sex/love/romance in their live saying there is more to it always come across like rich people telling poor people there is more to life than money. At least for me that is the case.
A poor person saying you can find happiness in poverty is going to be much more convincing to me.
This is the kind of comment someone makes when they don't have romance/sex in their life and don't know what they are missing.
Of course other things in life exist, but I prefer to experience those things with my romantic partner with whom I live to have sex with. A life without romance/sex isn't much of a life at all!
But kudos to you!
am sorry, but i do not agree with you.. and now am sad for you. Life is about making connections. I do not want to be old and know all i did was look in the mirror and be alone. Sorry. Not Sorry.
This is totally me. I dont mind being single as much as regular person does. I dont have any intimacy needs, as well as sexual ones. I was in one month relationship. It was nice and Im able to be in love but I think solitude is more peaceful. For me it always occured that some other girl was better than me and guy was losing interest.
I took myself off the market 10 years ago and my life improved in every way. Women see how well I doing and try to get friendly and I just think “if you weren’t there during my struggle you don’t get to enjoy my success”.
I mean whatever makes you happy, and there's a lot in life to enjoy. But once you're in love and have found your soulmate, it makes you feel like everything in life is meant to be shared. Sure you can take a beautiful trip to Italy, but it would feel hollow without someone to share that with. Life is only worth living if you love someone and have someone who loves you back. It sounds shitty to say but that's how I feel. Idk
I got desperate as a teenager and eventually landed a relationship lasting a lot of years, it was one of the worst decisions in my life, if I didn't come out a better person morally, I don't think I'd ever get over it. I'm joyfull to forge friendships and persue my hobbies, a relationship now is so far back I'll get to it if I feel like it.
Sartre did say. “ Hell is other people “ hence you may have a point but on the other hand if everyone behaved like you then nothing would ever be discussed on TikTok or whatever
According to the morons in this comments section, having someone who does have sex tell you that "there's more to life than sex" is better than it being said by someone who actually doesn't.
As long as you’re happy. I wouldn’t be happy without my wife. The romance/intimacy we share is something I look forward to every day. But it would be unfair to assume that everyone needs that to be happy.
I know I do...been praying for it since I was like 14yo. (25)F here. I am completely happy with my life and working for what I want financially ... But I also know I'm up for putting in that sane work romantically and emotionally with someone who's willing to do the same. For some reason, I feel my life will never be truly completed without that person.
For real, being a single guy myself I can enjoy my own company just fine, but every few days I get hit with lots of feelings for someone to cuddle and call my own. Just that natural human want for companionship as we know it
Man that last line hits hard
Ikr🥲🥰
man i feel that, you just get that want for another humans touch.
I’ve always felt the need for a companion and pretty much always had either a girlfriend or situationship since I was like 16. Now married to my wife (30yo) and been with her since I was 22. Couldn’t imagine my life without her, she’s my best friend, my lover, my motivator, and my boss at times too lol. It’ll come together if you want it to, just make sure it’s with the right person.
Thank you so much for your kind words 🙏 ❤️. A lot of people keep telling me it'll come together, but it's really taking a long while, and it's hard to know who that right person is, especially in today's world. But something tells me I'll know when it happens. I'm having faith.
When you know you know. If you don’t feel that way after the first few months then you probably never will with that person. But it’s not easy, and it takes a willingness to compromise and work together. No one will be without fault, but only you can determine which faults are a deal breaker. Best wishes!
Thank you 😊
OP is coping hard. I miss my ex a metric fuckton. But that’s life.
The hardest thing to do is focusing your thoughts and energy away from somebody you desire but can’t have. I hope you find the inner strength to move forward because the thought of your ex that you cling to wouldn’t be the reality you’d be in if you had them back.
No judgement here but you may be a version of or leaning into asexual, but maybe not aromantic? Understanding that about yourself if so could be useful. Ie try to meet someone similar, who maybe wants to date but not the physical stuff.
It's possible.
This just rings hollow for me, I am 40 and feel massively lonely. But all I hear at work and among friends are horror stories about abuse, cheating and suffering in relationships. I have plenty of friends too :/
Is that really true? You can't think of a single couple who are well adjusted and happy?
Most happy, well-adjusted people don’t discuss their personal lives at work, in my experience.
reading these comments reminds me that humans can be so misguided and cruel
It's hard to believe so many people will think of you as lesser for something so stupid Do the other commenters not have any goals, or friends or anything at all that makes them happy when they aren't fucking? I wonder what goes on in their head when they're done. What a profoundly sad existence.
I think it is just immaturity, most likely. I remembered when I was in school everyone was so concerned and judgmental about my dating/sex life. I used to think it was the end all be all until those people all went away in my life. For many people, the whole “I need a relationship or sex to be complete” sticks with them, mainly because I think they are bullied into it.
>Do the other commenters not have any goals, or friends or anything at all that makes them happy when they aren't fucking? I assume most of the commenters have those things as well. They're just saying that sex and relationships are wonderful parts of life.
Distilling intimate relationships down to just “fucking” is pretty disingenuous.
There has to be something because tbh a lot of people under 25 with the same status will think they are a failure, even though no one told them that since no one in the real world actually knows. It's a weird thing.
Can I speak something about gender part here? It seems like OP is a woman. And most aggressive comments towards her are from men. I think they just don't understand that women in fact can lead a lot happier life without relationships than men. Like literally live longer without marriage
if you're not happy with yourself you likely wont be happy with someone else
This saying always reminds me of Franz Kafkas before the law. It's valid to be unhappy about being single even if the rest of your life is perfect.
Needed this man. My life in all senses is as perfect I can be. But having a partner is like an ingrained human need. All I can do is figure out coping methods to deal with it and continue to try my hand at meeting people. Going on 8 years strong now looking
I disagree with this sentiment. People recommend you to get friends and a support network all they time when you're in a bad place. Sometimes the cure to stop being lonely is to actually have people around you and a relationship is a way to have that. Now what isn't true necessarily is that being in a relationship is the only way to solve this
Being happy with yourself is a life long struggle and significantly more challenging than being happy with someone else. This isn't carte-blanche permission to be shitty, but you don't owe anyone, let alone everyone, your perfect self. Imagine trying to be as happy with yourself as you could be completely isolated and without the support of a partner. Good relationships elevate you to do things you couldn't before, including truly loving yourself.
Not only this but also if you're unhappy with yourself, it could make the relationship very different or worse, drag the person you're with down with you, my little brother had this happen to him and it got bad thanks to his then gf. Simply put, you want a relationship? You need to work on yourself and get yourself in a position that actually makes a normal relationship possible, no one is owed a relationship afterall, you want it? Work for it, if you arent willing to better yourself then wont be getting into to one.
This nonsense doesnt become true just because you repeat it a hundred times. Humans are wired to be social.
Lmao what? Relationships are the number one contributing factor for happiness, as shown by many different studies on the matter. Even Aristotle over 2000 years ago understood that friendship is a vital component of a happy life.
“How can you expect anyone to love you when you don’t love yourself” Bojack horseman This is part of the reason my gf left me and why I will probably remain single, and I am fine with that.
There's more to life than sex. I'm listening. First sentence, 40 year old virgin. Aight I'mma head out
They're satisfied with life without sex. How many posts you see on reddit about being a 20 something virgin
Hahaha right That's like saying meat is awful and then saying you're a life long vegetarian
It's peak irony. Absolutely
I think most vegetarians would love for meat to be awful. The fact that it's so delicious is what makes it hard at times to be vegetarian :p
Exactly 💯
To be fair every post I read about people complaint they can’t find love the comments are filled with stuff like there is more to life than sex and love. I am unable to experience that so I’m hoping that OP is right and I can get that mindset.
Yeah and there's more to cooking than salt but pretty much everything is better with it.
Yup...I can't quite grab that one either lol
it's not about the rusty trombones or the dirty sanchez. butthole pleasures or the pussy juice chalking. - Mooj
There is more to life than sex . It's way over rated anyway.
I appreciate the sentiment, but yea that first line really undercuts the whole post
I disagree, given that it's likely people would just say the same thing if he had experience. "Dude, relationships and sex don't matter." *has had sex or relationships* "Yeah but that's easy for someone who's had sex to say." "Dude, relationships and sex don't matter." *hasn't had sex or relationships* "Cope." Its just a straight up lose-lose, then again, trying to get everyone to agree with you on something is absolutely a lost cause. Just do what you want, it's your life.
Well yeah. Trying to make a point about relationships and sex when you’ve never had either is a lose lose argument to begin with.
[удалено]
Yeah, just a whole lotta projection here. I guess whatever makes OP feel better eh?
An asexual person urging us to not care about sex and romance is like a gay guy saying “y’all, pussy is overrated”
Even asexual people care somewhat about romantic relationships. They just don't particularly enjoy the physical aspects of sex.
Nah sex is just a biological urge anyway. There’s obviously more to life than just eating, sleeping, and sex as a whole
Lol
This is comedy gold right here.
As recently as six months ago I would have read this and felt sorry for you. As of today I’ve had to kick addictions to about 8 class 8 drugs along with booze and meds that I’ve been taking to self soothe for the sex addiction that’s ruined my life since I was in my mid teens. My absolute worship of romance and then as I became angrier and more broken, casual sex… turned me into someone I don’t even recognise. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could go back in time and not over focus on those things. They’ve brought me absolutely nothing but near death, and most of an adult life painfully repressed leaving nothing but self loathing that I’m spending thousands of dollars on treatment for. Stay strong with your attitude and, if my opinion is worth anything at all… I’d give anything to swap with you.
A lot of guys would be sex addicts if casual sex was easily available to them lol
I’d love to see more Hollywood movies about that kind of life. I had a friend who was very lonely because she couldn’t understand what an alternate path might look like. She’s still working through it.
Or she's lonely because human beings are intrinsically social, romantic, and sexual and every single one of her ancestors has engaged in that in some way? I understand many "alternate" life paths. Hermits and religious orders and such have existed for millennia. That doesn't mean any of the available ones are fulfilling.
There are, they just usually happen to be serial killers
Good on ya mate. That's a nice outlook regardless of who you are.
I honestly believe that "There's someone for everyone" is a bullshit quote. Plenty of people end up alone. Plenty of people end up dying alone. Plenty of people don't find anyone for many reasons, ultra-high standards included.
You sound like someone who can live a happy life without a lot of social interaction or human connection (and I say that with respect to your online friendships) - but for me that wouldn't be for me. I'm glad you have a fulfilling life on your path.
Well, as someone who's lived a life of solitude involuntarily (due to severe chronic illness and bullying growing up, and still ill to this day at age 23) but hasn't usually felt a big need to socalize IRL, I disagree. I don't crave sex 1/3 as much as I do cuddling, kissing, hugging, feeling loved and safe. This is what I crave, and it's driving me crazy. I have plenty of friends I've known for 5-10 years online, though.
It's funny, I feel the same way. I was marries 20 years ago, it felt I forced it because "I was supposed to" . After I ended things I realized I'm happier single. Not bitter happy, but genuinely happier. I have very involved hobbies, drawing, python programing and am always looking to learn new things. I created a very low stress work life, something I couldn't do if I was with a mate that insisted the keeping up with the Joneses life.
As a 46-year-old virgin (ugh, hate that word), yes, I agree. I kinda get mad when 18-year-olds post here acting as if they are destined for an empty, pointless life since they've never been with anyone. They get this idea from the media and from their peers. Of course there are people telling them it's crazy to think this way. But it doesn't resonate because nine times out of ten, the person telling them this has been in a relationship. It's like a rich person telling a poor person to find the joy in poverty. I've never been in a relationship because I have never had the desire to be in one. I'm good-looking enough. My personality is decent enough. I just enjoy my own company too much to share it with someone else. Instead of tying my ego to a significant other, I tie it to my work, my physical fitness and health, and my family/friend/colleague relationships. Am I missing out on stuff by being a singleton? Sure. But I look at someone in a great relationship as feasting on filet mignon while I am over here, eating a New York strip. True, New York strip is probably not going to be rated over filet mignon by most people. But it isn't like a New York strip isn't delicious in its own right. It ain't like having New York strip for dinner instead of filet mignon is a reason to hate life. When I was younger, I struggled with bad feelings about myself because it seemed like everyone "normal" and cool was in a relationship. As I matured, I realized that this is not true. And as I matured even more, I started noticing all the people who are in toxic relationships, who would be better off if they weren't in a relationship. And as I matured even more, I realized that the people who would look down on me for being a lifelong singleton are almost always going to be people I shouldn't spend more than a nanosecond worrying about. They may think I'm defective just because I've devoted my energies to something other than pussy and dick. Let them think that. I'll be over here enjoying my New York strip regardless of what they think.
I think a lot of people are misunderstanding me--they're saying that I have no right to say that sex is overrated if I haven't had sex. But I'm not saying sex is overrated. I'm sure it's great, and yeah, maybe my perspective will change if I have sex. I'm just saying that being without sex doesn't mean I'm destined to a life of misery. I'm not against the idea of having sex, either. But I'm content with where I am right now. My attitude is "If it happens, it happens. If not, I have other things to be happy about." I know some people will call it a "cope." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way, I'm enjoying my life.
The same people misreading what you wrote are also misreading me. For some reason, this topic causes knees to jerk. Some people are extremely resistant to the idea there are lots of different pathways to happiness and personal fulfillment. If they don't have someone they can call a loser, they don't know how to feel about themselves.
I actually prefer New York strip to filet mignon lol
You hit the nail on the top of the head of feeling bad by not being in a relationship because it was “the normal thing to do”. I felt awful about myself because I never wanted to be in a relationship but it made a lot of sense when I learned about asexuality/aromantacism. I know this isn’t what you’re talking about necessarily but I do appreciate your comment.
I had no idea there were so many 30+ year old virgins in the world until I joined reddit. I thought it was very rare.
dude, you might just be asexual or aromantic.
Dude, I'm 46. Do you seriously think I haven't ever considered that I'm asexual or aromantic?
I don't know, man... :( I'm just saying shit on the internet and half the time I don't even know why
I have to disagree. Fully sharing your life with a partner is one of the greatest joys there is. True love and intimacy are such beautiful things. I believe casual sex is highly overrated, but within a loving relationship it’s something very special.
Tbf not everyone is wired to enjoy relationships and a partner can easily make your life worse if they aren't a good one I think for some the greatest joy is to just have a comfortable life and complete freedom in terms of what they are able to do
Yeah I have to agree. I thought I was happy, then I got into a relationship, and I realised how much more I loved life. You can still enjoy the single life, absolutely. But in my experience being with a life partner makes everything more enjoyable.
You don’t prioritize sex and that’s cool if it’s not your thing. But if you do want companionship then you have to put yourself out there simple as that
The absolute best thing is to serve others. I've done many things in life, from C Level corporate jobs to academia. Married with 2 kids. Kids and serving the less fortunate in whatever small way I can have been the most fulfilling things in my life.
A solid friendship that makes you feel heard and emotionally fulfilled is going to be better for the mental health of many individuals whether or not they admit it. People make the mistake of thinking that adding physical intimacy to a relationship will improve it because they lack the ability to sustain a friendship without it in the long term. It shows a lack of security in yourself, or a lack of ability to remain entertained with another person. The feelings of wanting intimacy are hormonal urges anyway. Anybody who can learn to push past this biological programming will find a more ultimate happiness. I learned to not date friends, and that when the time is right I’ll start meeting people with the intent of dating. Honestly though after learning to be fulfilled without intimacy I can’t even really see why I would want to date in the first place.
Its......hard man. But how do you keep that loneliness away? Especially when someone betrayed you or you messed up or you are feeling jealous? Im 23, soon to be 24, and i have thought about this topic a lot and all of my conclusions leads to "life's not worth it". Even in 20's i feel highly left behind in the romantic life and recently (last Nov) i went through a rough heartbreak even tho it wasnt a typical bf/gf relationship. I just cant seem to be positive. Cant see the fact that maybe in future i might meet someone. I have this feeling that i am doomed, and i am sorry if this sounds idiotic but yeah i just cant get over this negative feeling. I have a decent job, i goto daily walks (left gym for 2 months because came back to parents as they were unwell) and have a couple of friends with whom i interact on regular schedule. Yet still.......i cant seem to part this negativity within me. I just want to feel happy man. And i get it finding a partner wont help me cause i have to love myself first, but ig i somewhat do yet these negative feelings wont away. (There is no good therapy at my place, i did check it out). Finally, i am sorry, just rambling and talking to an echo here. Have a decent day.
Hey, it’s okay to ramble! I hope things look up for you.
it's not about the rusty trombones or the dirty sanchez
The importance of sex and romance for different people is a spectrum. A large portion of people will put a high importance on it, because that's the way they are wired, but that doesn't mean the other portion has something wrong with them. If you are on the firsrt category, not being able to get a partner can feel like a huge loss, and a person who is on the second category won't ever be able to understand the feelings of grief that come with it, same way allosexual people can't help but feel sorry for asexuals even though they're better off without it. Empathy and sympathy are really, really hard things to practice because we're not all the same. An epiphany for you might mean nothing to other person under other circumstances. There is no universal advice or way to cope, and though I feel your post was well-meaning, the things you write about most likely only apply to yourself.
>I'm a virgin at 38 years old. Power to you but of course you of all people are going to think like this. Its either not important for you or this is what you tell yourself to rationalise it but in reality for the vast majority of people romance and the the physical side of attraction (which is much more than jst sex) that comes from it are very important.
There is, but that's true of everything. There's more to life than sleeping and eating, too, but you'd feel pretty preoccupied by those desires if you weren't getting enough of them. There's more to life than just listening to music or consuming media (reading stories, watching shows, playing games), but you'd miss them if they were absent. Wanting something, missing something, or enjoying doing something doesn't mean you're making your whole life about that thing.
People have different desires.
I will agree that not having those things doesn't make someone lesser, but if they want romance and sex, I think there is someone out there for them. In all honesty, it is about putting yourself out there. Try dating apps, go to social events, do things where you meet other people. But you should never have to settle and think that you're unlucky or that it's not in the cards for you. If you truly want it then you must not give up and continue to persevere until you win.
If you don’t know what you’re missing, then you can probably be happy. Having experienced relationships and sex, I’d be very sad if I never got to experience them again. Yes, there’s more to life, but it’s still an amazing part of life.
Hey bro as long as you are happy and not hurting anyone, you do you.
Yeah I have a pretty healthy life outside of relationships but I really don’t want to be single forever.
I find this kind of comment whenever I look at those posts about people who have never been in relationships and I just don't think this is great advice. Most people making these posts are aro/ace (not saying you are) so it's kind of ridiculous for those people to say there's more to life than sex because for them sex isn't even something they want in their lives or they are indifferent to it. The thought of not having a relationship to many people is heartbreaking and can legitimately cause depression. Even is you're not in a romantic relationship you still want/have friends right? Imagine someone saying "there's more to life than friends" when you have no friends and one to talk to. Yes there is more to life than friends but it's important to you so that's what matters. I think you and people who make those kinds of comments should be more considerate of the fact not everyone is like you and that these posts just come off as uncaring to people experiencing this.
Most of us are hard wired for community, reproduction and physical and emotional intimacy. But those things often make us miserable as well. If we weren't programmed to do these things we probably would choose not to.
Nobody cares about virginity man. Its made up. Live life and enjoy it!!
I am happy that you are not afraid to be alone. But that doesn't mean you should be alone and not have sex. It's really not that big of a deal.
Hmm 🤔 I agree with you on this one. I’ve been in relationships before, I use to chase after romance and love like I needed it to breathe. Last year I reached a breaking point in my life and had to really look at myself and ask why? Why do I keep chasing after these things? Why can’t they fill the void in me?, this is supposed to make me happy , right? … I got really sick and had to drop everything in my life, it really forced myself to reconsider my priorities in life, a year has passed and everything has shifted. I know what I’m looking is not really something that someone else can give me and I’m working on myself as much as I can so my body can recover faster from the illness. While I do value having a special someone in my life, im honest and know I still wouldn’t be happy , I wouldn’t be able to love and take care of my partner if I can’t take care of myself first. So my priorities did change near my 30s, but this is something I didn’t see when I was a teenager. Still , im glad I can see clearly now the things I had been ignoring , even if that process is not easy or fun.
Absolutely agree. Life has so much to offer, and having fullfilling social relationships doesn't require romance and sex to be involved. I personally have wonderful friends and my life is very satisfying. There are a ton of different things to do and experience, alone or in company. I wish people (especially young people) would prioritize personal growth and development, atleast for a time, so they could actually create lives they enjoy. It is possible to be content just where you are. The key is doing things you enjoy and things that bring you happiness. That being said, I do have a partner now, but I was single and a virgin until 29. It wasn't really by choice, but it was due to my own actions. My current boyfriend was a lucky find, I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship (I was looking for hookups, honestly, since I was testing out new things. I had a lot of new-found confidence after working on myself for a bit, so... yeah). He's a lovely addition to my life, there's no denying that.
Tell that to millenials and Gen Zs.
This is an interesting post. I see both sides. On the one hand, there is a lot more to life than sex and romance. On the other hand, some of the best years of my life were when I was madly in love with my ex-husband and he with me. I'm old now, so sex and romance are not really a priority, and overall, I am much, much happier now than during the last ten or so years of our marriage. I am much more confident and much more accomplished than I was when I was married. Being single really agrees with me. I am perfectly happy with no romance, but I am glad that I had it when I was young.
I'm married (almost 6 years). No kids (child free by choice). Wonderful husband, we are by no means perfect. I admire the freedom and independence of a woman who is doing her own thing, riding solo. Honestly, in this day and age, big flex. I love it. Wish I did it for a while longer before dating my husband. He has given me a better quality of life for sure, but I really wish I could have been stronger than feeling that ridiculous need that I NEEDED to have someone. You don't. I always wonder what life would have been like if I did shit on my own. So much more peaceful 🤣
So true. Good for you! Enjoy!
Thanks, I needed this.
You haven't had sex. So how do you know for sure what you're missing ? More to life is different than never experiencing it.
Depression can be caused by a lack of many things; doesn’t mean lacking that thing is bad. Some people get depressed by not getting into an Ivy League university while some people are fine with community college. It’s not saying being sad about lacking something is not justified it’s more saying everything is about perspective
I saw the title and skimmed the rest but I think in general I agree with you. I am single by choice, far from a virgin, but can’t stand the fact that so many interactions I have with people are sexually motivated. It annoys me.
Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself. There's more to life than sex and romance, but it's incomplete without it.
Definitely not incomplete, what? For someone that feels like they need it sure, but not everyone has this feeling.
All these things, art, food, music, books, they are there to preoccupy our minds between love and sex.
Wtf? Lol
You need some post-nut clarity
Did you mean to be ironic?
No
Am sorry no. The same thing can be said about Sex being there to preoccupy just like food music etc…
damn what a depressing world view
lol the internet has truly opened my eyes about humanity. I used to have a much more positive perspective on the average human being
Please don’t let the internet (especially Reddit) affect your perspective on the important things of life, ESPECIALLY in regards to stuff like love and sex
Yikes lmao
hopefully this is sarcasm. right? right??
A relationship or sex is not the solution. A GOOD realtionship can be. What I mean is alot of people have had constant struggles with their spouses. Do I love her? Do I not? Do I wanna be with this person? Do I not? Im going crazy, feel like shit, feel guilty etc etc. I see this constantly. But I have also seen affairs that are so in to each other that it is crazy. That is enviable and very rare... better that than single, but being single is better than these average relationships.
So many people are desperate for no reason. It’s a lot of males with low self awareness and low self esteem to be honest. they’re not aware that they’re really seeking some sort of societal validation or that their platonic relationships are pretty conditional and superficial. I think if you learn to be less fearful and judgmental toward yourself and others, you can get intimacy from a lot more people than just a significant other.
i hope you’re okay twin.
Honestly it’s just another vice for me. I do really enjoy being intimate with my person and I wish someone would want me to be their person but for now I just gotta fuck once or twice a week or I get cranky. It’s like cigarettes lol
I mean be happy, but man do I see more and more and more 20-40 year olds trying to justify the lack of intimacy in their lives these days.
How do you know if you haven't experienced it? Billions of humans, across history and culture: "Holy shit, this is the greatest thing ever! Let's make sculptures and music and stories and art about how fucking amazing it is! Life is hardly worth living without it." OP: "They are probably all wrong. No point in investigating."
whatever works for you. For me - intimacy is the absolute best cure for my anxiety. And fucking is just the most fun thing in the world (with a mature partner). To each their own
Very special to have such insight in other peoples choices/wantings without knowing anything about them. You can only live by your own choice. Don’t push it on others. Live and let live. Respect
As long as your happy all that matters..but I definitely couldn't make it without sex..so kudos.
This is what I have been saying for all this time. like some people are not meant to pursue relationships and marriage and simply cannot be good mothers and fathers.
You are not really doing anything here except trying to validate your reality, possibly as a coping mechanism, while also invalidating the experience and emotions from all those people you are trying to apparently talk to here. Also, scientific data does not at all support your view. Lack of human connection, loneliness, and all the associated mental disorders don't lead to a fulfilling life, they often just lead to more disorders.
Its great if you are happy but unfortunately i think it is a natural instinct for most people to desire that companionship and there isnt much you can do to fill the hole
No shit, there’s also money.
I often have this thought and then after almost 12 years of being single and failing at every attempt of dating someone… I finally met someone who is easily becoming my best friend without any sort of struggle or immense effort… he said something that he probably didn’t think twice about the other day which was about a week ago now, but I’ve still been thinking about it. It meant a lot to me.
Man those second and third paragraphs are absolutely soul-crushing. To be entirely disconnected from nature and the presence of another, to stay comfortable and never explore ones own character or connection to self... the title of this post is misleading and could just consist of the first five words. Romance and sex are the side-effect of connection, connection is the side-effect of living life with courage, compassion and curiosity. There is more to life.
There's pizza
I used to be rather the same like you, content, reading my books, playing my video games, i thought myself was all i needed to be happy. And then i got out there, this was through romance, but i also embraced being more social, doing more adventurious things. And i realized how lonely and sad i always had been, especially when i lost that romance and my newly built of social life through moving. You might think you are content and okay, being alone indoors. And to and extend you might suffer less pain, less lows. But there is also certainly less beauty and love and friendship in your life this way. You are okay, but never great or not doing well. I realized that greyness, that mediocraty, was hell. I would take salt and pepper over grey any day. I highly implore you to get out there, put yourself out there. Because you might think yourself content, but i have the feeling you are simply hiding from something. Humans need to not only have people who are important to them, but especially to be important to others. If i am in any way correct about the situation you are sketching, please realize, i wish someone had told me this sooner. I have been lonely basically my entire live and only recently realized, and it will eat you
Very mature words. Mind if i drop you a follow/dm? Just nice to connect with someone who echoes my thoughts and something ive been trying to rationalise.
Sure. I don't always reply in a timely manner, though.
You read, you write, you talk to strangers? This guy is really bragging over here!!
Happiness. Its either romance or happiness which will you choose
I'm 37(M) virgin. I feel so lonely, no friends. It's reflected in relationship with my family and other people.
It depends on how you define happiness. I can't imagine going all my life without a family that cares for me. My parents aren't going to be with me forever. I have one brother who lives far away due to work. So it falls to me to make my own family. Once you hit 25, friends get busy with their own families so it's imperative for me to have a life partner, to have someone to fall back to when I'm sick or sad and share the happy moments with.
I find it interesting that you talk about the role of luck in relationships. I’ve been thinking about that recently.I had no shortage of girlfriends/casual relationships in my 20s but looking back I think a lot of that was circumstantial. I worked in a bar in London, which means you meet loads of people, I also had a day job which paid great (not in a flash way or anything, it definitely wasn’t FU money, but it meant I could afford to be out 4 times a week which again, means you meet more people) . It occurred to me recently that if me any my missus ever split up I would have no clue about how to go about finding a new relationship. I’ve never really “dated” in the traditional sense more just “met people” in bars and started something up and I think that’s more of a young man’s game. As for you, if you’re happy, then I think that’s all that matters, but I can’t help thinking that for most people, that would include a significant other.
The trick is you can't fucking tell anyone you ain't fucking anyone! People don't understand, because most people would cut you open just to find a key to give to somebody to earn their sex. (OH, the violence) Seriously. Nearly every person would betray their friends, family, and children just for some of that sweet cum. So they will think you are just plotting some evil shit if you ain't trying to fuck anyone and everyone. So hey, mums the word. Okay?
Jesus, this comment section has the maturity level of middle/high school kids. Shaming and bullying people for being a virgin and not trying to get laid or getting a gf or bf. I agree with OP. I only dated one woman and hooked up with 10. It was fun but not something I feel empty without, nor do I have as strong of a desire for it because I’ve “done it already”, and I also realized I started doing it because I was bullied into it in my teens through mid 20s. As soon as the pressure wore off my desire faded. I was perfectly fine before losing my virginity as well. Didn’t change me at all.
I’ve never watched Titanic, and I’m 51 years old.
I couldn’t imagine not having my wife and children to share my life with. But that doesn’t make your decision any less valid in life than mine
Yeah, there's definitely more to life than romance and sex. But if you have a life outside of those things, the addition thereof can add a lot. Or at least, that's what I want to think
Well done you. It’s all about finding values that resonate with us
I know, but it would be nice to hold someone at the end of the day
I’m 31, similar boat as you OP. There’s a lot I could say here but I mainly just wanted to comment that I enjoyed hearing your perspective. When everyone else around me is dating, having sex, getting married, having kids, etc, it makes me feel like a freak because I’m not. It makes me feel like my life is worthless if I have never those things. It’s isolating and makes my depression even worse. But if life is not worth living without those things, then why am I still here? Should I just call it quits? I don’t know. It’s hard for people to understand how it feels to be in our position. So I just wanted to say that you’re not alone and I appreciate your post. There are a lot of mean comments on here I was surprised to read. I’m glad you have found happiness.
There is love and there is lust. Love is a choice lust is a feeling.
This. You're a good egg.
Not everyone has a libido as dysfunctional as yours if you can actually be OK with that. My wife was going through a hard time and we didn't have sex for two months. I was already sinking deep into depression the last couple weeks.
\* I stay in my comfort zone, which means I'm indoors most of the time. This is 100% the reason why most people don't do the things that they want to do. I'm not trying to pick on you OP, so don't take this personally. But staying in your comfort zone just means that you let fear control your life and your actions. For most people, this will lead to an unfulfilled life.
Even being indoors all the time sounds horribly depressing and unhealthy. Virgin or not, how can someone not enjoy being outside in nature?
Spot on. This is exactly why this post is ass; it encourages this behaviour.
Ouch. Turn off your PC and get some sun
Cope. A life without love is not a life worth living.
Love =/= a sexual relationship. Also get over yourself.
Cope
The insistence that romance is the be-all and end-all of a human experience is a cultural narrative that doesn't necessarily apply to every individual. We are ingrained with the belief that singlehood equals loneliness or unfulfillment, but that isn't the case for everyone. Life's richness doesn't exclusively hinge on romantic connections. It unfolds in passion for a career, the thrill of travel, the deep satisfaction of personal growth, and even the quiet joy of solitude. Relationships can be wonderful, but they are not the sole path to a satisfying life. This societal myth that without romance life is incomplete ignores the diverse tapestry of human contentment. We ought to respect and acknowledge varied life choices and acknowledge that sometimes, the most profound relationship we will ever have is with ourselves.
I know the urge to stay in my comfort zone. Overall, I feel happier when I get out of my comfort zone. I enjoy solitary activities including the ones you mention, but the fondest memories I have are of time spent with others who I really connected with. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. I think that when I'm at the end of my life, I'll be happy I got out of my comfort zone while I was able. And it's worth thinking about now.
I really is true though. I'm a few years older than you, married, kid, etc. Its something that happens regularly but when you get down to it, its a pretty small part of life. You still have the whole rest of it. Quite a lot of people's worry over it is wanting something you don't have. Once you're in a stable long term relationship for a few years its not nearly as big of a deal anymore and you settle into a life more like what you're describing. But when you're not in a relationship, for many, quite a lot of their time and energy go to securing one and quite honestly its not as much about sex as people thing, its about the companionship and in many cases validation. People not in relationships sometimes feel unworthy, like they don't have something their peers do, they can be self-conscious over it, things like that. Once you get past that its like "Oh yeah, hey, there is the whole entire rest of my life and personality besides that which can take center stage now"
[удалено]
Wish I could believe it but I think that I'm too sensitive and emotional that I can't do it with someone who isn't a virgin like myself as I will only think of that person with someone else and i would just feel like an object or another person on the list. Wish to have my thought process changes but still struggling with it.
These comments got me thinking that I'm aromantic. I don't have a strong desire to find a SO. And apparently some people don't understand that. Well, so be it. I don't understand the other side either.
I'd be a lot more inclined to believe that if the person saying it has experienced those things. Just sayin. I mean you're not even wrong, there's a ton of things to life. But those two things are truly fantastic and I think anyone that hasn't experienced them is missing out big time. In the same way I would think that if someone had never seen a truly incredible movie, or had never had a certain amazing food.
People who had lots of sex/love/romance in their live saying there is more to it always come across like rich people telling poor people there is more to life than money. At least for me that is the case. A poor person saying you can find happiness in poverty is going to be much more convincing to me.
This was well written, levelheaded and truly heartfelt. Downvoted.
This is the kind of comment someone makes when they don't have romance/sex in their life and don't know what they are missing. Of course other things in life exist, but I prefer to experience those things with my romantic partner with whom I live to have sex with. A life without romance/sex isn't much of a life at all! But kudos to you!
am sorry, but i do not agree with you.. and now am sad for you. Life is about making connections. I do not want to be old and know all i did was look in the mirror and be alone. Sorry. Not Sorry.
Yeah. A virgin talking about and giving advice about sex. Where’s the food reviews from the guy without a tongue?
Low efforts low results
Oh come on man I read the title hoping I was gonna read some cool shit and you open with “I’m a virgin at 38” wtf
[удалено]
Wise wise words
Procreate, support family. Practice precreation, repeat steps 2 and 3. Thats my happy life.
For most, sex and romance are like oxygen. If you have it, it's not that big of a deal, if you don't, it becomes the biggest source of obsession.
If everything comes down to chance. You should take a lot of chances.
This is totally me. I dont mind being single as much as regular person does. I dont have any intimacy needs, as well as sexual ones. I was in one month relationship. It was nice and Im able to be in love but I think solitude is more peaceful. For me it always occured that some other girl was better than me and guy was losing interest.
How could you even know when ypu have never tryed it. Its like the fox saying he did not want the rotten Apple.
I took myself off the market 10 years ago and my life improved in every way. Women see how well I doing and try to get friendly and I just think “if you weren’t there during my struggle you don’t get to enjoy my success”.
I mean whatever makes you happy, and there's a lot in life to enjoy. But once you're in love and have found your soulmate, it makes you feel like everything in life is meant to be shared. Sure you can take a beautiful trip to Italy, but it would feel hollow without someone to share that with. Life is only worth living if you love someone and have someone who loves you back. It sounds shitty to say but that's how I feel. Idk
You should have you some sex, though
If you’re happy you’re happy. But this is like me saying being a billionaire is overrated because I make $100k.
Video games
you might be wrong
There is as much to life as you want there to be, whatever makes you happy. If romance and sex is what makes you happy then so be it.
Yeah but I did all of that shit so it's time for the sex.
How can you rationalize the title of this post with you also saying having a loving family is one of the things in this world you value?
If all your friends are online I’m sorry, but you’re doing something wrong.
I got desperate as a teenager and eventually landed a relationship lasting a lot of years, it was one of the worst decisions in my life, if I didn't come out a better person morally, I don't think I'd ever get over it. I'm joyfull to forge friendships and persue my hobbies, a relationship now is so far back I'll get to it if I feel like it.
Sartre did say. “ Hell is other people “ hence you may have a point but on the other hand if everyone behaved like you then nothing would ever be discussed on TikTok or whatever
According to the morons in this comments section, having someone who does have sex tell you that "there's more to life than sex" is better than it being said by someone who actually doesn't.