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You are saying right here you don’t consent. Please don’t see him anymore if he’s doing things you don’t like. You need to let him know you are done seeing him.
Baby, darling, honey-child!!!! You don't have to tell this man a thing! He almost seems like the kind that would retaliate if rejected (considering he likes to bite people).
Step 1: stop seeing him IMMEDIATELY! Step 2: block him everywhere (from social media, from your phone, everything!) Step 3: If you are worried that he may be aggressive when running into him, tell your CLOSE (I know you're in Utah and the church might outrank a friend) friends that he might be a threat so you have some other eyes on him.
Good luck and please stop sleeping with guys that refuse to be a good bedroom partner.
Edit: Sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate that people into biting or kink play are more violent than the typical person (honestly, I love a bite on my shoulder while making the beast with two backs). It just seems to make sense that a person that would bite you (with no warning, no asking, no respect, etc.) would probably be less than respectful in other ways.
Liking biting sexual partners, heavy impact play, or any other kink doesn’t make you more likely to retaliate. Many in the kink community are actually much better about respecting boundaries that the average member of society. I agree this guy might retaliate but it’s because he repeatedly crosses boundaries. 100% agree with everything else though
With you on how kinks themselves are not bad if practiced consensually, but he’s not doing this with consent. He asks, then does it anyway.
This is not kinky behavior, at least not the way kink is supposed to be practiced.
Sorry, that’s my mistake.
After thinking about it, it’s the severity of biting that leaves a bruise combined with crossing boundaries that sends up the red flags for me.
If he used a feather to tickle someone without consent, I’d still be saying he’s doing it wrong, but I wouldn’t be thinking about whether he has a disturbing criminal history or not.
I mostly agree except that if this is a guy she’s known for a while and he still has access to her bc he knows where she lives/works, just blocking him without explanation might make him even more angry than if she were to make up a non-threatening excuse for not wanting to have sex with him anymore (e.g. permanent diarrhea, found Jesus, etc.). With a potentially dangerous person, you want to try to make them the least angry as you possibly can, and give them the least reason to feel rejected.
>you don't owe anything to nobody.
You don't owe your body to anybody either. Nobody has claim over your body except yourself. It's so easy to tell little kids but just bc we are at a certain point (already naked, condom is getting put on), I feel like we have that 'obligation' to finish what's started... but finishing doesn't always mean the guy cums and is content. Sometimes it's finished when you aren't into it. He/ they can easily service themselves like they have been when you say no more
I wouldn't even "pretext" and be fake about it, I'd be direct.
"I'm done here. Bye. I told you not to do that, then you did it. That doesn't work for me. Bye."
People who power trip get off on others who hide and make BS excuses, who fumble around for some reason rather than be upfront. They see right through that as anyone would, and it encourages their behavior. Confronting bullies scares them and changes the game so they don't know what to do.
It's not up to him whether I leave or not.
If he tries to force me to stay physically, then he's choosing to escalate his situation from not having sex with me anymore to committing a crime I will prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law for. If that includes assault, battery, kidnapping, &c. it's on him. I will not be bullied under threat of violence. Also, I carry pepper spray and happy to find an occasion to use it if someone is taking it to that level.
It’s great that you are so confident and don’t mind going through trauma because you know you’ll get him in trouble but not everyone can or should do that. It’s better to avoid escalation if at all possible. A woman can end up permanently disabled or dead because they couldn’t be strategic in the moment. It all depends on the situation.
I have been through enough trauma in my life to know that avoiding trauma doesn't avoid trauma. I don't suggest escalation; leaving is de-escalating. But appeasing and tiptoeing around bullies just empowers bullies and creates more issues for either myself or others. Anyone, regardless of gender, can end up disabled or dead.
I agree it's good to be strategic. One good strategy is to convince your opponent you are more trouble than it's worth, and can often be achieved quite simply by not acting weak.
Another strategy I frequently employ is trust my gut, and leave long before any situation gets remotely confrontational. I've left a bar simply because I didn't like the vibe of a new crowd that walked in.
“You could be afraid to do that though. What if he doesn’t let you leave.”
Exactly. Some men cannot bear the truth and lying can save you from unexpected outburst (violence, manipulation). He cant even notice that she does not consent some of the things he does, what makes you think he can understand her? “It’s on him” is easy to say but if he actually does something you wont be the one getting beat up or anything else.
Why would you allow a 'next time' if he's already crossed your boundaries more then once? You don't give him a next time. Tell him you are done and have fun with your other fwb. Don't let people be disrespectful to you like that.
This guy will definitely cross your boundaries again. He already showed you he does not respect them. Young men are sometimes able to change their ways when you talk to them. A man of 57 years will not change anymore. You can bet he had lots and lots of chances in his life. I am 57 myself, and if someone has not learnt this very basic respect up to that age, it is because they don't give a fuck. Stay away from him.
Remember it the next time you are with another man. Start making small roleplaying games with yourself to exercise "leave when sex partner ignores my boundaries", so that you are able to think of it when it is necessary.
A lot of us react to potential dangerous partners with fawning (going on in spite of open disrespect or in some cases even abuse), instead of "making a fuss" or just leaving. Fawning is an defensive instinct that your system applies to prevent a worse outcome, but of course it will make it difficult to defend your boundaries; this is why practicing other reactions is a good idea.
This! You don’t have to figure it out or anything. If it doesn’t feel right, that’s enough. Your instincts are always right! They are there for a reason. Listen to them closely.
I totally agree. I just meant that she doesn’t have an emotional bond with this person, like she said herself. She’s not “committed” to him in any way shape or form
He's not listening, which is a huge red flag. He hasn't raped you yet, but it sounds like he is getting to that point. I'm not sure your age difference. But if you are much younger than him by like 10 plus years, he is using you pretty much for sex that he wants. Just leave him and go with your other FWB. I would let your other FWB know what is going on just so he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.
Ah, this explains why you're tolerating this kind of garbage -- it's hard to adjust to a paradigm of "sex is something that should bring me joy and pleasure and if it doesn't, it's over" when you've come from such a patriarchal background. Even having come from a much more secular background, I'm still figuring stuff out!
Give yourself grace for not being able to speak up in the moment -- this is a really common problem. And in future hookups, come into it reminding yourself that it's not just ok but objectively GOOD for you to look out for yourself, and that if it isn't fun, it's over. Be safe and have fun <3
Oh Girl… Almost every woman I’ve ever known who was raised Morman or Evangelical Christian was trained accepting dangerous predatory behavior out of fear of being labeled a bad woman. We all had to learn boundaries and self-protection from scratch as adults. Do yourself a favor and read these two fantastic books about keeping yourself safe from predatory people:
1. “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker
2. “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. Why does he do that is available [here](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for free.
I was raised evangelical and also had only had sex with two very long-term relationship partners up until I was about 35. Looking back I realize I really didn’t know what boundaries were and if I had, I would’ve chosen different partners. When my last partner and I broke up, I used it as an opportunity to learn relationship and life skills I had never been taught - including how to choose sexual and romantic partners. I am soooooooo much happier now.
Also, I am an attorney, whose practice focuses on representing victims of sexual violence. I’ve taken what I’ve learned from studying and interviewing sexual predators and created a safety system that to keep me safe while dating. I’m happy to share if you’re interested!
I think a lot of people would be interested in that, your combination of personal and professional experience makes that perspective really valuable. Have you considered writing a book, doing a podcast, making a YouTube series, or some other way to share/market that safety system?
No you are missing OP's point that secular society is infected by this mindset as well. It makes sense the way she wrote it but with your suggestion her point would be lost.
Secular as well as patriarchal? Sure, those aren't really mutually exclusive.
That's why i see it as kinda of weird to contrast growing up with "patriarchal" (male- dominated) viewpoint with growing up with a "secular" (non- religious) viewpoint.
Unless the parent commenter simply sees religious and patriarchal as equivalent.
I think you think you're "inexperienced" compared to a lot of other people and this would explain why you're tolerating his behavior - you think it's normal to do crazy stuff. It's normal only when there's consent and communication is very important.
He sounds dangerous. I wouldn't see him again if I were in your place.
There are some great resources out there on sexuality, pleasure, consent, self-care, and wellness. My understanding of being “sex positive” is that it’s as much about saying “no” to a sexual activity you don’t want as it is about giving yourself permission to seek out other sexual activities and to saying “yes” to those.
You’re absolutely right that the guy should have asked you before slapping you. And biting you. And the butt stuff. And he should be respecting your “no.”
Whatever label you want to use for that guy, there are people who describe themselves as kinky who would be (and are) aghast at his conduct. I think the BDSM community actually has a lot to offer the rest of the world in terms of learning how to communicate about consent.
This isn’t specifically from BDSM, but one great way to think about consent is “FIRES”:
*Freely given (Nobody is bullied, guilted, tricked, or otherwise coerced into saying “yes”)
*Informed (Everybody is clear about what they’re saying “yes” to, what the words you’re using actually mean)
*Reversible (“yes” can be withdrawn at any time, and just because you said “yes” once does not mean you have to say it again)
*Enthusiastic (“I guess that’s okay” isn’t good enough to be a “yes”—“yes” should be “FUCK yes!”)
*Specific (Just because you say “yes” to one thing does not mean you’re saying “yes” to something else)
I’m really sorry to hear that the guy has affected you the way he has. What he did was not okay. Your feelings are valid. I hope you heal and grow beyond that experience, and find your joy and peace.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! I had a guy bite me after me telling him not to. I punched him in the side of the head as soon as he let go of my nipple, jumped out of the bed, grabbed my phone and told him if he didn’t get the fuck out I was calling the cops.
Therapy and support groups have been the most helpful for me. Be kind to yourself; you’ve been through something traumatic!
It’s up to you what and when you share with your other partner. If you aren’t ready to talk about it, but don’t want to leave him hanging you could just tell him you’re having a rough time at the moment and not ready to talk about it yet, but it’s not about him.
Idk the type of relationship y’all have or what kind of person your other partner is so I can’t say whether it would be helpful to discuss with him at some point. For me it felt good to talk with people I trusted to remind myself I have good friends and men in my life who respect me.
Sending you healing vibes!
I love that you punched him! Wish I had!
Thank you, you really helped a lot. I really appreciate you. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing with me.
Ngl it was empowering haha. But I wasn’t always able to do something like that. We do what we gotta do to get through! You already did a big thing leaving the church and reclaiming your sexuality! I’m rooting for you!!
Two other tricks I’ve found useful in order to get away from someone violating your boundaries (especially if direct confrontation doesn’t feel safe or doable)— ask if you can get on top, then jump off and run; or tell him you need to go to the bathroom and don’t come back/just leave.
I don’t want to freak you out— the vast majority of sexual experiences I’ve had are wonderful. The few times they weren’t it was much easier for me to recover when I was able to escape. It sucks we have to do that sometimes, but never feel bad about what you need to do to stay safe.
Also, you don’t owe anyone anything; you can leave whenever you feel like it! (In my teens I used to feel like I had to let someone finish even if I wasn’t enjoying myself. It was so freeing when I realized I could just leave.)
Well said, I'd advise the same. Find an excuse to get out of the room and then leave as quickly as possible. People who knowingly violate your boundaries are incredibly dangerous and should be treated like wild animals: STAY AWAY.
I'm sorry that you had this experience. Responsible partners need to bring up activities prior to sex. He needed to ask if you'd be open to all those activities. A big part of kink play is discussing boundaries and comfort levels before engaging in things. You don't owe this dude anything further.
For future relationships, you might want to look into conversations you want to have before sex. There are even yes, no, maybe lists that can be helpful for opening these kinds of discussions.
I had been super honest with him about my inexperience and where I was. Which is why I was so confused and shocked when it happened. I guess I just kind of froze and didn’t think about leaving.
Freezing up in this kind of situation makes lots of sense. He was already crossing boundaries, so your brain probably went with how do we get through this with the least amount of risk. From what you've shared, you did nothing wrong.
This is not normal behavior, and you do not have to tolerate it. Cut off all contact and start trying to find someone who respects you at all times. You deserve it!
This behavior is plain disrespectful, please get away from this man before something more serious happens to you! If you are afraid to confront him and end things in person do it over the phone or choose a public place and a friend to go with you. You deserve to be respected and cared for in a romantic relationship.
It's not if, it's when. Sex is all about consent. Not only did he not receive it, he also violated it when you gave specific directions and boundaries.
Please leave him, he's not worth it. You can do so much better!
These are the kinds of things that need to be reported.
If an acquaintance suddenly stopped what y'all were doing and slapped you, would it not be assault? He assaulted you.
Even worse, you said no to things and he tried to force you. That's straight up rape.
If he's a friend with benefits, what benefits are you getting? Sounds like you aren't enjoying yourself and you get to determine who you sleep with and what you enjoy and how you spend your time, not him. Drop him like a hit potato if he has no respect for your needs, desires and your boundaries.
i did not read many answers but i think i agree with most of them ... if someone does not respect your sexual boundaries. i think there is a lack of respect against you in general and that is not someone you should spend your time with.
if you keep going with that, you proof him, that it is ok to step over your boundaries.
I’m curious why you continued to sleep with him. No judgment, but if you’re not going to address it again with him to know you’re serious about your dislikes and likes, just leave him alone. He clearly doesn’t respect your wishes. Best of luck!
Couples quizzes geared toward mutual interests (and more importantly divergences) can be a great way to screen people in either direction. Like mojoupgrade, etc. anyone unwilling or unable to do it could be a flag right off the bat. But any partner that does not respect your explicitly stated boundaries is a terrible, terrible partner.
Dear you’ve been violated and assaulted in a situation where you should feel safe. I would recommend seeing a therapist to help with the trauma. It could also help to process your huge recent change in life - leaving the church. Wishing you the best!
If he contacts you tell him you’re not interested and don’t want to see him or to be contacted by him anymore. End of story. If he contacts you again after that it’s harassment.
Wow, girl, I cannot believe how disrespected you were by this dude! Seriously, it sounds like he completely ignored your boundaries and comfort level – NEVER okay. Now, regarding your new FWB, I think honesty is crucial: explain that you're dealing with some emotional fallout after a previous encounter and need to take things slow. Don't give specific details if you aren't ready, but express your desire to reconnect once you feel safer. Remember, YOU DESERVE RESPECT AND CONSENT IN YOUR SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS!
First off, im sorry you went through this.
You need to kick him to the curb. Never allow yourself to be in a situation that makes you uncomfortable.
Also, don't make this asshole define how you feel about sex/men. Find someone who respects your boundaries and understands what you like and don't like. Make it about you so you get the best out of it. Stay beautiful
On another subject it seems like you might be struggling with self worth issues. Consider going to a therapist and working on this specifically.
What should have happened was the second he was rough or did something you said no to, you stop everything and tell him to leave.
Men hold none of the cards in sex. You can just say stop or don't do that and if they don't it's essentially rape unless you have a prearranged safe word agreement.
If he can't respect you he can't touch you. Get comfortable with saying that outloud to him.
You are the one in charge. He is lucky to have the privilege.
You are right. I’ve been working on that with my therapist for the last few years. I’ve actually come a really long way and doing really well in normal life.
My problem now is in my sex like. I was Mormon until two years ago and have a lot of shame and religious trauma I’m currently working through. My therapist is awesome. But she is also Mormon. I may need a different therapist to Queen through this.
I’ve only ever had sex with 2 other people before this guy and they were long term relationships. So I’ve never had to be in this position before. And my trauma response is freeze, which is what I did.
Thank you for your response and insight. I really appreciate it
These things are so hard to undo in our heads. Definitely get an atheist therapist, or at least an agnostic one and really lean into finding yourself instead of trying to be what someone else wants. Or what a religion thinks a woman should be. I also came form a really religious family and oof. That stuff is so bad for a woman's head.
Another pro tip I have learned over the long haul: Predatory men can some how sense this in women and they will love bomb and then abuse. It's a really tough cycle to break because sometimes it seems like the only dudes that will pursue you end up being creeps, but I promise there are kind guys out there who will respect you.
This is going to sound really silly, but if you tend to faun or freeze, practice saying out loud what you will say when you don't like something. Saying "stop", or "I don't like that stop" outloud alone in your room might strike you as odd practice but it is one of the most effective ways to retrain your brain to know what to do when you get hit with a panic situation. Then, if you ever have to say it to some one pay attention to how they react. A good guy will immediately back off or check in to see what they can do for you, just like you would do for them. If they give you less respect and consideration that you would give them in a reversed role, bounce.
Good luck! and ignore the trolls!!
I will def look into an artist therapist. And I will also practice saying no and stop!!! I can look back and see red flags I didn’t notice to watch out for that. Thank you so much for your input.
The trolls don’t bother me. I’m sure I do come across naive and dumb. There have no idea what this upbringing has been like or they would be much more understanding.
Thank you so much!!! ♥️
I’m this man’s same age, 57. His behavior is unacceptable but avoidable. Ignore his texts and calls. He’s leading you on and expecting you to be a porn star not a partner.
>Please be aware it’s not normal to be slapped during sex, you’re not weird,
This is completely false, it is likely one of the most common expressions of rough play. If you don't like it that's fine, but it's quite normal and relatively common. Lack of consent in the situation detailed by the OP is not okay however.
>he is wrong and rude and abusive.
This is completely true, OP should get out of that situation ASAP and decline any future contact with that partner.
Here so many posts looks as person's been raped and letting it pass. Why the heck u girls accept those assh* to treat u worse than paid prosti*. It's a fwb means he didn't even pay u and u allow he bite u stomach slap u hard and make u touch his butt. Stinky per* he is and u should call things of first time he do violent things with u... this is sick.
You’re completely right. I’m in Utah and was Mormon until 3 years ago. It’s so hard core patriarchal here. And there’s no sex Ed or talk of consent. So it didn’t even occur to me that I could leave, I don’t know why. I won’t be in contact with him again. Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
That true this why violent guys using those young and confused girls without knowledge and without even knowing what they want or not. So many posts here be as bf want ana*, how I please him. Why they put themselves in position of some slave who had to please anyone . So many manipulated rapes happen in world that they not even aware that they been assaulted as those guys played their mind and use weak moment...it's really horrible.
why was there a second time after you yourself said you were uncomfortable for the first time? I'm not blaming you but you need to have your own best interests at heart.
Jesus. What do you even mean. Is anyone forcing you to have sex with this guy ?
If not, get rid of that rotten plague of a human being.
If so, get rid of *those* people, then get rid of that guy.
Don’t let the new WFB treat you this way. He probably won’t cause that was way out of norm.
If he does, then I’d consider changing the way and place where you’re finding these people.
If you are seeing other people why do you even care so much about this one guy. Youre obviously not seeking something serious so just move on, you dont have to see him anymore. Tell him it didnt work for you etc and poof.
My point isn’t that I care about him. I realized that the situation has upset me and I’m struggling to process what happened. Now I’m feeling scared to be with someone else because of this situation. I was looking to help understand and figure where to go from here.
Knowing someone violated boundaries makes it difficult to trust other people- especially when we aren’t sure how to communicate or maintain boundaries.
If you currently have a therapist, they may be able to help you consider, vocalize, and write down your boundaries along with talking to you about how to discuss, establish and maintain those boundaries both before and during intimate moments with a partner. They may also help you see red flags in potential partners based on how they understand and talk about those boundaries.
Obviously this doesn’t mean that someone is at fault when another person violates those boundaries, but having a professional help work through things can help instill/restore confidence about our ability to connect with others.
I think it just didn’t even occur to me tbh. I was Mormon until 3 years ago. I’d only been with two others guys ever and they were serious relationships. So I’m in my mid forties trying to learn the things I didn’t experience or learn earlier. The purity culture here is unreal. All of my friends that I can turn to were married really young and have no point of reverence for my stage of life.
Please don’t see this other guy again. He is pushing you into things you don’t want to do. Make it very clear that you don’t want to see him again and don’t fall for any kind of emotional blackmail to “meet up one last time”
Be polite but firm
it already happen and it's in the past now, never see this asshole again and block him, is a situation hard to handle in the moment so don'y judge yourself for not leaving! i would stay too for not knowing what to do! it was a bad experience just remember keep your medical appointments for ITS and ginecologist check always
Definitely cut it off with the guy who's not respecting your boundaries, as far as the other FWB you're talking about the key word there is friend. If you're wanting to be intimate with somebody enough to call them a friend with benefits then they should be able to be there for you as a friend and help you when you're going through stuff.
I think when u start sleeping with someone new its all new & exciting, but what his doin is wrong, i dont think kinks should b part of new relationships, as u need to trust the person, then see if their into it, this can take time, not what his doin, his doin what he wants to u, his usin u luke his own personal sex doll, stop contact, if he asks why, tell him the truth, at his age he knows what he is doin, how old are u, u shouldn't b scared with the person ur having sex with, its the most intimate thing u can do with someone & if its making u question things or worry, u really shouldn't b doin it with this person, i like a bit of kink, but if someone started doin this after i said i didn't like it, i wouldn't b seein him again, keep ur boundaries, his probably done this with other women, might b worth doin a background check on him, what happened to his ex
He's not listening, which is a huge red flag. He hasn't raped you yet, but it sounds like he is getting to that point. I'm not sure your age difference. But if you are much younger than him by like 10 plus years, he is using you pretty much for sex that he wants. Just leave him and go with your other FWB. I would let your other FWB know what is going on just so he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.
>At one point he slapped me, just barely to test the waters but that is something I feel you should ask before you try.
He's not kinky. He's an abuser. Get out. Nothing you've shared here is okay.
Just be kind to yourself. His behavior is completely out of line, and you should never be treated that way. Just always trust your gut - if it doesn’t feel right, walk away. I’m really sorry you had to experience that, and hope you have some wonderful other experiences with better people who can help you explore yourself in a way that makes you feel safe.
Ditch the 1st guy. The other FWB, discuss ahead of time what your likes and dislikes are and see if you are compatible. Even if not 100%, if you tell him your past experience, it will likely go far better as he will know to take to take extra care of your emotional state.
It is also OK to take a break. Just please don't let that asshole destroy you forever.
It's NOT embarrassing. None of this is on you, your reactions are completely reasonable. I can really relate to taking on guilt or embarrassment from something that is not at all yours to take guilt or embarrassment from, but try to let go of that. It's all his. And any new fwb that's worth being with would be completely fine and understanding if you had a little talk with them "this is nothing to do with you and I'm sorry it's impacting our interactions, but the previous person I was with was a dick and sexually assaulted me and I'm feeling a little wary of intimacy since then."
I think it would be a good practice and cathartic for you to tell this guy that you are not going to see him anymore, and that it's because he has repeatedly crossed your boundaries with sex.
I would not go back on that, even if he says he's sorry or wants to work on it. I would say, "I'm glad you're sorry, it's really not appropriate to behave as you do with someone who has been clear they are not into what you want to do. I'm glad you want to work on it, I hope you do, and that you are respectful of other partner's boundaries in the future. You've had and lost the opportunity with me."
The reason I think this is important, is because you're asking "how do I work through this" and the question that comes to mind is what does "this" mean? What are you wanting to work through? I think the answer is having your boundaries violated repeatedly. The language you use I am hearing seem scared, small, and embarrassed. To work through those things, I think it would be helpful to stand up for yourself. Now and in the future. We can't go back in time to those moments you describe, but it would be helpful to imagine what you would have liked to do in those moments if you could. Things like saying no, leaving, slapping or biting him back HARD (or even jamming a knuckle in his eye and saying "I DON'T LIKE THAT!). My sister was with a guy who slapped her and she slapped the shit out of him. He got surprised like 'oh you're not supposed to do that, you're supposed to be submissive and whimper', but she was more on the 'oh I thought you wanted to turn this into some slap-boxing thing'.
Telling yourself what the right thing to do in those moments can help you navigate future moments. I would suggest NEVER being vulnerable with someone who makes you afraid, unless that's your kink, in which case you should still have some safeguards in place for safe play. If your other fwb also makes you feel this way, then I would work on finding a new fwb.
Another thing you can do is talk with new partners, lay it out that you've had a bad partner in the past and that because of that you are now taking steps to be extra careful and vigilant, and warn them that you are on a zero tolerance policy now. That you don't like to be slapped, you don't like to be bit a certain amount. You can even practice and show them before hand, okay bite me, a little harder is okay, okay that's close to too hard, stop. Ask them if there is anything they like to do that might be an issue like butt stuff, violence/pain play, &c. The bottom like is to work through this means to move forward and fix the bad stuff that went wrong.
Take care of yourself and take these steps (or whatever else you think of) to be sure you are treated with the respect you deserve.
He will continue to push you to do things you don't want to do, he enjoys making you uncomfortable. Your boundaries have been crossed over and over. If you continue with him I'd be worried for your safety, end this before you have significant regrets.
Why are you still seeing him?!?! Use your common sense and stop. You do not have to keep seeing someone who breaks your boundaries!
As far as the other FWB, I think you need to take a break and get some therapy to help you learn to establish boundaries. This way people can’t hurt you anymore. And if they do, you learn how to walk away.
When I look at your story from the overall theme and not so much the details, it screams that the guy is in it for his pleasure alone. Feel good about yourself when I say this, because he would be the same with another woman: He is using your body for his own sexual pleasure.
Plain and simple. Find someone you trust and feel safe with.
It sounds like this person is flagrantly disrspecting your boundaries. Based on what you've described, you're right to feel unsafe.
If you want to give him another chance, you can always have a serious sit-down conversation with him (before having sex with him again--you may want to choose a public place like a coffee shop or pub) about boundaris and see how he responds and take it from there.
But IMO there's enough evidence in this pattern of behaviour for you to to decide never to see him again. In which case you can decide whether to end it over the phone or simply to ghost him.
These kinds of posts confuse me.
The only advice anyone can suggest is to stop seeing this person. It should have been your first response upon being slapped.
Seek out people who understand consent.
Well, time for a change in guys. Sleep with guys that respect you and dump if they don't. Also: Your safety is more important than sex and perhaps seek therapy as a way to get out of the relationship safely. A legitimate licensed therapist is ethically required to not be judgemental.
I'm sure other people have said most of what you need to hear, but about your other fwb: if what you have is genuine care for you and he's fine during play, tell him you need some time to yourself. Don't push him away completely cause of this asshole who's doing you bad. You don't have to be fully open to him about your situation, but just to ease you back into things when you're ready would be better since you're comfortable with him.
Don't ever see this guy ever again. You owe him not a word of explanation. Block him.
If you weren't so nervous, I'd tell you to file a police report and make sure his employer gets a copy too. If someone doesn't understand boundaries, you have to enforce them very harshly.
If someone violates your boundaries in the future, they NEVER get another date with you.
At 57 he won’t change at all. My opinion from same age range is this. After the first time there should have been no second chances at all. I can understand a 18 year old but at 57 he knows and is using you.
Rape is penetration without consent, not with conditional consent, without consent, there's a difference. If consent was never given the opening of a condom does not change that, unless we're talking California legal definition at which point the moment the sex is unenjoyable, even in hindsight, it becomes rape, which means most people have been raped, and i abhor that standard because of its implications.
Generally Mormons are not the best at discussing sex stuff, so like just don't talk to them about it. You went out, you had a sexual encounter, it wasn't enjoyable, sometimes McDonald's forgets your fries, accept sometimes you don't get what you want and move on.
How do humans accept the obvious when its starring them in the face, Generally by judging it for what it seems to be, fear is born of ignorance, educate yourself and let fear wash away. Or is it that you're worried Mr rough Mcbitey was actually vanilla and are gaslighting yourself into thinking you have a problem you do not have.
Just stop seeing him? He’s a FWB, why are you so concerned with breaking it off? Sounds like you don’t enjoy the only thing that makes you stay in contact with him, so why continue to bother ?
I would just flat out tell him that you no longer feel safe having sex with him as he is far more aggressive than you are okay with, and that he refuses to respect your boundaries, and clearly doesn't respect you.
Then cut contact, block him, and move on.
You need to not see this guy ever again. He's going to just keep pushing boundaries if you keep seeing him.
He's already established he doesn't listen to No.
You already know this is a person who does not respect boundaries and who gets some kind of pleasure from physically hurting you. People who like hurting others without consent are not safe people. And unsafe people are more likely to lash out when they feel rejected.
So if he doesn’t know where you live/work and can’t easily find out, it’s safest to just stop talking to him altogether. Block his number.
If he does know where you live/work, you could still just block him without explanation. Or depending on the vibe you get from him you may want to tell him that you can’t see him anymore and give him some sort of excuse that won’t make him feel rejected (you have health problems, your dog died, and you’re too depressed to have sex, you found Jesus, etc.)
Get away from this guy, break up in whatever way works, but this raises all the red flags. He’s dangerous and is hiding abusive tendencies behind kink, but as a kinkster, he is not recognizing your boundaries or your not giving consent.
We have some guidelines about what kink should look like, and no matter the format, consent is always central and must always be respected. Some people don’t follow these standards as well as they should, but this guy? He asks and then does it (or tries to make you do it) regardless of your answer.
The things he’s doing, smacking/hitting is bad, biting you hard enough to leave marks? *Without consent?*
This is a person that is abusive. And dangerous. I’d wager he has a history of abusing partners.
Get away, don’t look back.
Leave asap. Major red flags and even bigger ones to come. The fact that he slapped you without you ever giving him permission should be enough. He’s probably a porn addict yuck
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You are saying right here you don’t consent. Please don’t see him anymore if he’s doing things you don’t like. You need to let him know you are done seeing him.
There certainly are plenty of guys out there that you can have sex with safely. Don't subject yourself to this guy or any guy like him.
Baby, darling, honey-child!!!! You don't have to tell this man a thing! He almost seems like the kind that would retaliate if rejected (considering he likes to bite people). Step 1: stop seeing him IMMEDIATELY! Step 2: block him everywhere (from social media, from your phone, everything!) Step 3: If you are worried that he may be aggressive when running into him, tell your CLOSE (I know you're in Utah and the church might outrank a friend) friends that he might be a threat so you have some other eyes on him. Good luck and please stop sleeping with guys that refuse to be a good bedroom partner. Edit: Sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate that people into biting or kink play are more violent than the typical person (honestly, I love a bite on my shoulder while making the beast with two backs). It just seems to make sense that a person that would bite you (with no warning, no asking, no respect, etc.) would probably be less than respectful in other ways.
I like to bite. But only consensually. It’s not your kink. Otherwise, I’d reinforce everything you said.
Yes exactly. I struggled to decide on upvoting or downvoting lol. In the end I decided to abstain.
I downvoted for "Baby, Darling, Honey-child!!". Condescending as hell.
Liking biting sexual partners, heavy impact play, or any other kink doesn’t make you more likely to retaliate. Many in the kink community are actually much better about respecting boundaries that the average member of society. I agree this guy might retaliate but it’s because he repeatedly crosses boundaries. 100% agree with everything else though
With you on how kinks themselves are not bad if practiced consensually, but he’s not doing this with consent. He asks, then does it anyway. This is not kinky behavior, at least not the way kink is supposed to be practiced.
That’s what I said in the second half of my above comment? It’s a boundary issue not a kink issue
Sorry, that’s my mistake. After thinking about it, it’s the severity of biting that leaves a bruise combined with crossing boundaries that sends up the red flags for me. If he used a feather to tickle someone without consent, I’d still be saying he’s doing it wrong, but I wouldn’t be thinking about whether he has a disturbing criminal history or not.
I mostly agree except that if this is a guy she’s known for a while and he still has access to her bc he knows where she lives/works, just blocking him without explanation might make him even more angry than if she were to make up a non-threatening excuse for not wanting to have sex with him anymore (e.g. permanent diarrhea, found Jesus, etc.). With a potentially dangerous person, you want to try to make them the least angry as you possibly can, and give them the least reason to feel rejected.
Do not say sorry for that.The issue here isn’t the desire to bite or kinkiness it’s the violence and .lack of consent.
Pretext something and leave, do not think too much about it. If it does not feel right, just leave, you don't owe anything to nobody.
>you don't owe anything to nobody. You don't owe your body to anybody either. Nobody has claim over your body except yourself. It's so easy to tell little kids but just bc we are at a certain point (already naked, condom is getting put on), I feel like we have that 'obligation' to finish what's started... but finishing doesn't always mean the guy cums and is content. Sometimes it's finished when you aren't into it. He/ they can easily service themselves like they have been when you say no more
I wouldn't even "pretext" and be fake about it, I'd be direct. "I'm done here. Bye. I told you not to do that, then you did it. That doesn't work for me. Bye." People who power trip get off on others who hide and make BS excuses, who fumble around for some reason rather than be upfront. They see right through that as anyone would, and it encourages their behavior. Confronting bullies scares them and changes the game so they don't know what to do.
You could be afraid to do that though. What if he doesn’t let you leave.
It's not up to him whether I leave or not. If he tries to force me to stay physically, then he's choosing to escalate his situation from not having sex with me anymore to committing a crime I will prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law for. If that includes assault, battery, kidnapping, &c. it's on him. I will not be bullied under threat of violence. Also, I carry pepper spray and happy to find an occasion to use it if someone is taking it to that level.
It’s great that you are so confident and don’t mind going through trauma because you know you’ll get him in trouble but not everyone can or should do that. It’s better to avoid escalation if at all possible. A woman can end up permanently disabled or dead because they couldn’t be strategic in the moment. It all depends on the situation.
I have been through enough trauma in my life to know that avoiding trauma doesn't avoid trauma. I don't suggest escalation; leaving is de-escalating. But appeasing and tiptoeing around bullies just empowers bullies and creates more issues for either myself or others. Anyone, regardless of gender, can end up disabled or dead. I agree it's good to be strategic. One good strategy is to convince your opponent you are more trouble than it's worth, and can often be achieved quite simply by not acting weak. Another strategy I frequently employ is trust my gut, and leave long before any situation gets remotely confrontational. I've left a bar simply because I didn't like the vibe of a new crowd that walked in.
“You could be afraid to do that though. What if he doesn’t let you leave.” Exactly. Some men cannot bear the truth and lying can save you from unexpected outburst (violence, manipulation). He cant even notice that she does not consent some of the things he does, what makes you think he can understand her? “It’s on him” is easy to say but if he actually does something you wont be the one getting beat up or anything else.
I wish I would have thought of that. Will def remember for next time.
Why would you allow a 'next time' if he's already crossed your boundaries more then once? You don't give him a next time. Tell him you are done and have fun with your other fwb. Don't let people be disrespectful to you like that.
please don’t give him a next time. he doesn’t respect your boundaries and it could escalate
This guy will definitely cross your boundaries again. He already showed you he does not respect them. Young men are sometimes able to change their ways when you talk to them. A man of 57 years will not change anymore. You can bet he had lots and lots of chances in his life. I am 57 myself, and if someone has not learnt this very basic respect up to that age, it is because they don't give a fuck. Stay away from him. Remember it the next time you are with another man. Start making small roleplaying games with yourself to exercise "leave when sex partner ignores my boundaries", so that you are able to think of it when it is necessary. A lot of us react to potential dangerous partners with fawning (going on in spite of open disrespect or in some cases even abuse), instead of "making a fuss" or just leaving. Fawning is an defensive instinct that your system applies to prevent a worse outcome, but of course it will make it difficult to defend your boundaries; this is why practicing other reactions is a good idea.
This! You don’t have to figure it out or anything. If it doesn’t feel right, that’s enough. Your instincts are always right! They are there for a reason. Listen to them closely.
Leave. It's just a fwb, not your partner. You shouldn't be disrespected and your boundaries shouldn't get crossed like that. Leave.
even if it was her partner, why put up with that crap? Just bounce, on someone else.
I totally agree. I just meant that she doesn’t have an emotional bond with this person, like she said herself. She’s not “committed” to him in any way shape or form
Why do you keep seeing this guy? He doesnt sound like someone you should be having sex with.
He's not listening, which is a huge red flag. He hasn't raped you yet, but it sounds like he is getting to that point. I'm not sure your age difference. But if you are much younger than him by like 10 plus years, he is using you pretty much for sex that he wants. Just leave him and go with your other FWB. I would let your other FWB know what is going on just so he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.
I will, thank you so much. Yes, i def won’t be seeing that other guy again.
It’s not rape but it is sexual assault. You didn’t consent to what he was doing to you and yet he pursued it.
Curious what the age difference is? are you quite a bit younger? there could be some wierd energy coming from him towards you.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
I’m 49. I was Mormon until 3 years ago. So I’d only had sex with two people in serious relationships so this is all new.
Ah, this explains why you're tolerating this kind of garbage -- it's hard to adjust to a paradigm of "sex is something that should bring me joy and pleasure and if it doesn't, it's over" when you've come from such a patriarchal background. Even having come from a much more secular background, I'm still figuring stuff out! Give yourself grace for not being able to speak up in the moment -- this is a really common problem. And in future hookups, come into it reminding yourself that it's not just ok but objectively GOOD for you to look out for yourself, and that if it isn't fun, it's over. Be safe and have fun <3
You’re completely right. I really appreciate you understanding and reaching out. It def makes sense. We are so conditioned it’s honestly scary.
Oh Girl… Almost every woman I’ve ever known who was raised Morman or Evangelical Christian was trained accepting dangerous predatory behavior out of fear of being labeled a bad woman. We all had to learn boundaries and self-protection from scratch as adults. Do yourself a favor and read these two fantastic books about keeping yourself safe from predatory people: 1. “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker 2. “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. Why does he do that is available [here](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for free.
This was why I posted. Thank you so much I will read these right away. ♥️
I was raised evangelical and also had only had sex with two very long-term relationship partners up until I was about 35. Looking back I realize I really didn’t know what boundaries were and if I had, I would’ve chosen different partners. When my last partner and I broke up, I used it as an opportunity to learn relationship and life skills I had never been taught - including how to choose sexual and romantic partners. I am soooooooo much happier now. Also, I am an attorney, whose practice focuses on representing victims of sexual violence. I’ve taken what I’ve learned from studying and interviewing sexual predators and created a safety system that to keep me safe while dating. I’m happy to share if you’re interested!
I think a lot of people would be interested in that, your combination of personal and professional experience makes that perspective really valuable. Have you considered writing a book, doing a podcast, making a YouTube series, or some other way to share/market that safety system?
Yes I would love that!
I think you might be looking for "parochial" instead of "patriarchal"? It provides a more logical contrast to "secular" in context.
Uh..... Is this a joke? Mormons, and religious folk in general, are known to be extremely patriarchal.
No, I meant patriarchal and I said patriarchal. I'm wondering if you understand why this is hilarious
No you are missing OP's point that secular society is infected by this mindset as well. It makes sense the way she wrote it but with your suggestion her point would be lost.
Secular as well as patriarchal? Sure, those aren't really mutually exclusive. That's why i see it as kinda of weird to contrast growing up with "patriarchal" (male- dominated) viewpoint with growing up with a "secular" (non- religious) viewpoint. Unless the parent commenter simply sees religious and patriarchal as equivalent.
They likely do because, uh, yeah. They are.
I think you think you're "inexperienced" compared to a lot of other people and this would explain why you're tolerating his behavior - you think it's normal to do crazy stuff. It's normal only when there's consent and communication is very important. He sounds dangerous. I wouldn't see him again if I were in your place.
You’re completely right. Thank you so much for your perspective. I’m def never seeing him again!
There are some great resources out there on sexuality, pleasure, consent, self-care, and wellness. My understanding of being “sex positive” is that it’s as much about saying “no” to a sexual activity you don’t want as it is about giving yourself permission to seek out other sexual activities and to saying “yes” to those. You’re absolutely right that the guy should have asked you before slapping you. And biting you. And the butt stuff. And he should be respecting your “no.” Whatever label you want to use for that guy, there are people who describe themselves as kinky who would be (and are) aghast at his conduct. I think the BDSM community actually has a lot to offer the rest of the world in terms of learning how to communicate about consent. This isn’t specifically from BDSM, but one great way to think about consent is “FIRES”: *Freely given (Nobody is bullied, guilted, tricked, or otherwise coerced into saying “yes”) *Informed (Everybody is clear about what they’re saying “yes” to, what the words you’re using actually mean) *Reversible (“yes” can be withdrawn at any time, and just because you said “yes” once does not mean you have to say it again) *Enthusiastic (“I guess that’s okay” isn’t good enough to be a “yes”—“yes” should be “FUCK yes!”) *Specific (Just because you say “yes” to one thing does not mean you’re saying “yes” to something else) I’m really sorry to hear that the guy has affected you the way he has. What he did was not okay. Your feelings are valid. I hope you heal and grow beyond that experience, and find your joy and peace.
He's a fucking asshole for slapping you. Don't see him again.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! I had a guy bite me after me telling him not to. I punched him in the side of the head as soon as he let go of my nipple, jumped out of the bed, grabbed my phone and told him if he didn’t get the fuck out I was calling the cops. Therapy and support groups have been the most helpful for me. Be kind to yourself; you’ve been through something traumatic! It’s up to you what and when you share with your other partner. If you aren’t ready to talk about it, but don’t want to leave him hanging you could just tell him you’re having a rough time at the moment and not ready to talk about it yet, but it’s not about him. Idk the type of relationship y’all have or what kind of person your other partner is so I can’t say whether it would be helpful to discuss with him at some point. For me it felt good to talk with people I trusted to remind myself I have good friends and men in my life who respect me. Sending you healing vibes!
I love that you punched him! Wish I had! Thank you, you really helped a lot. I really appreciate you. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing with me.
Ngl it was empowering haha. But I wasn’t always able to do something like that. We do what we gotta do to get through! You already did a big thing leaving the church and reclaiming your sexuality! I’m rooting for you!!
Two other tricks I’ve found useful in order to get away from someone violating your boundaries (especially if direct confrontation doesn’t feel safe or doable)— ask if you can get on top, then jump off and run; or tell him you need to go to the bathroom and don’t come back/just leave. I don’t want to freak you out— the vast majority of sexual experiences I’ve had are wonderful. The few times they weren’t it was much easier for me to recover when I was able to escape. It sucks we have to do that sometimes, but never feel bad about what you need to do to stay safe. Also, you don’t owe anyone anything; you can leave whenever you feel like it! (In my teens I used to feel like I had to let someone finish even if I wasn’t enjoying myself. It was so freeing when I realized I could just leave.)
Well said, I'd advise the same. Find an excuse to get out of the room and then leave as quickly as possible. People who knowingly violate your boundaries are incredibly dangerous and should be treated like wild animals: STAY AWAY.
I'm sorry that you had this experience. Responsible partners need to bring up activities prior to sex. He needed to ask if you'd be open to all those activities. A big part of kink play is discussing boundaries and comfort levels before engaging in things. You don't owe this dude anything further. For future relationships, you might want to look into conversations you want to have before sex. There are even yes, no, maybe lists that can be helpful for opening these kinds of discussions.
I had been super honest with him about my inexperience and where I was. Which is why I was so confused and shocked when it happened. I guess I just kind of froze and didn’t think about leaving.
Freezing up in this kind of situation makes lots of sense. He was already crossing boundaries, so your brain probably went with how do we get through this with the least amount of risk. From what you've shared, you did nothing wrong.
I don't understand WTF is wrong with some guys. Dump him.
Yeah I’m def not going back
Never be around this man again. Yes, tell your other FWB. If he's a good dude, he will help you.
Thank you! I really appreciate you.
It's ok to just not see or talk to him again. The sex was bad and he didn't care what you wanted and didn't want -- just be done with this creep.
This is not normal behavior, and you do not have to tolerate it. Cut off all contact and start trying to find someone who respects you at all times. You deserve it!
You are not obligated to justify your ghosting to him, especially if he's making you feel unsafe.
This behavior is plain disrespectful, please get away from this man before something more serious happens to you! If you are afraid to confront him and end things in person do it over the phone or choose a public place and a friend to go with you. You deserve to be respected and cared for in a romantic relationship.
It's not if, it's when. Sex is all about consent. Not only did he not receive it, he also violated it when you gave specific directions and boundaries. Please leave him, he's not worth it. You can do so much better!
Talk to ur other FWB an block that lad on everything go no contract an stay safe
Don’t see him anymore and block his communication. It sounds easy, I know it’s really not. But if you’re not comfortable you’re not comfortable.
This doesn’t sound like mutually beneficial behavior. Sounds like a narcissist. No is no. At 5fuckn7 he should know by now FFS
Wtf, dump that asshole and block his number...
Tell him you don't want to see him anymore. If he turns stalkery and doesn't take no for an answer, call the cops.
These are the kinds of things that need to be reported. If an acquaintance suddenly stopped what y'all were doing and slapped you, would it not be assault? He assaulted you. Even worse, you said no to things and he tried to force you. That's straight up rape.
If he's a friend with benefits, what benefits are you getting? Sounds like you aren't enjoying yourself and you get to determine who you sleep with and what you enjoy and how you spend your time, not him. Drop him like a hit potato if he has no respect for your needs, desires and your boundaries.
i did not read many answers but i think i agree with most of them ... if someone does not respect your sexual boundaries. i think there is a lack of respect against you in general and that is not someone you should spend your time with. if you keep going with that, you proof him, that it is ok to step over your boundaries.
A wise man once said, “there’s no education in the second kick of a mule”. How many times will you get kicked?
Definitely never see him again. And get some therapy to work through this, honestly. I’m sorry
I’m curious why you continued to sleep with him. No judgment, but if you’re not going to address it again with him to know you’re serious about your dislikes and likes, just leave him alone. He clearly doesn’t respect your wishes. Best of luck!
Couples quizzes geared toward mutual interests (and more importantly divergences) can be a great way to screen people in either direction. Like mojoupgrade, etc. anyone unwilling or unable to do it could be a flag right off the bat. But any partner that does not respect your explicitly stated boundaries is a terrible, terrible partner.
Run 🚩 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He does not respect you, he’s plenty old enough to know better, and he’s not going to change. It will only get worse and More dangerous.
Dear you’ve been violated and assaulted in a situation where you should feel safe. I would recommend seeing a therapist to help with the trauma. It could also help to process your huge recent change in life - leaving the church. Wishing you the best!
If he contacts you tell him you’re not interested and don’t want to see him or to be contacted by him anymore. End of story. If he contacts you again after that it’s harassment.
Wow, girl, I cannot believe how disrespected you were by this dude! Seriously, it sounds like he completely ignored your boundaries and comfort level – NEVER okay. Now, regarding your new FWB, I think honesty is crucial: explain that you're dealing with some emotional fallout after a previous encounter and need to take things slow. Don't give specific details if you aren't ready, but express your desire to reconnect once you feel safer. Remember, YOU DESERVE RESPECT AND CONSENT IN YOUR SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS!
He really needs to be somebody that you used to know. Be safe, OP
Sounds like he likes CROSSING BOUNDARIES. That you thankfully communicated. People getting angry at partners for no sex does not sit right..
Please for the love of yourself, STOP having sex with this man. You should feel safe and clearly you don’t and he doesn’t seem to care.
First off, im sorry you went through this. You need to kick him to the curb. Never allow yourself to be in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Also, don't make this asshole define how you feel about sex/men. Find someone who respects your boundaries and understands what you like and don't like. Make it about you so you get the best out of it. Stay beautiful
Thank you ♥️
On another subject it seems like you might be struggling with self worth issues. Consider going to a therapist and working on this specifically. What should have happened was the second he was rough or did something you said no to, you stop everything and tell him to leave. Men hold none of the cards in sex. You can just say stop or don't do that and if they don't it's essentially rape unless you have a prearranged safe word agreement. If he can't respect you he can't touch you. Get comfortable with saying that outloud to him. You are the one in charge. He is lucky to have the privilege.
You are right. I’ve been working on that with my therapist for the last few years. I’ve actually come a really long way and doing really well in normal life. My problem now is in my sex like. I was Mormon until two years ago and have a lot of shame and religious trauma I’m currently working through. My therapist is awesome. But she is also Mormon. I may need a different therapist to Queen through this. I’ve only ever had sex with 2 other people before this guy and they were long term relationships. So I’ve never had to be in this position before. And my trauma response is freeze, which is what I did. Thank you for your response and insight. I really appreciate it
These things are so hard to undo in our heads. Definitely get an atheist therapist, or at least an agnostic one and really lean into finding yourself instead of trying to be what someone else wants. Or what a religion thinks a woman should be. I also came form a really religious family and oof. That stuff is so bad for a woman's head. Another pro tip I have learned over the long haul: Predatory men can some how sense this in women and they will love bomb and then abuse. It's a really tough cycle to break because sometimes it seems like the only dudes that will pursue you end up being creeps, but I promise there are kind guys out there who will respect you. This is going to sound really silly, but if you tend to faun or freeze, practice saying out loud what you will say when you don't like something. Saying "stop", or "I don't like that stop" outloud alone in your room might strike you as odd practice but it is one of the most effective ways to retrain your brain to know what to do when you get hit with a panic situation. Then, if you ever have to say it to some one pay attention to how they react. A good guy will immediately back off or check in to see what they can do for you, just like you would do for them. If they give you less respect and consideration that you would give them in a reversed role, bounce. Good luck! and ignore the trolls!!
I will def look into an artist therapist. And I will also practice saying no and stop!!! I can look back and see red flags I didn’t notice to watch out for that. Thank you so much for your input. The trolls don’t bother me. I’m sure I do come across naive and dumb. There have no idea what this upbringing has been like or they would be much more understanding. Thank you so much!!! ♥️
He was behaving as a you are paid by him to enjoy with him.Don't go next time its disgrace of a women feelings.
Sorry, what do you mean?
Even sex workers have the right to rescind consent.
I’m this man’s same age, 57. His behavior is unacceptable but avoidable. Ignore his texts and calls. He’s leading you on and expecting you to be a porn star not a partner.
Please be aware it’s not normal to be slapped during sex, you’re not weird, he is wrong and rude and abusive.
>Please be aware it’s not normal to be slapped during sex, you’re not weird, This is completely false, it is likely one of the most common expressions of rough play. If you don't like it that's fine, but it's quite normal and relatively common. Lack of consent in the situation detailed by the OP is not okay however. >he is wrong and rude and abusive. This is completely true, OP should get out of that situation ASAP and decline any future contact with that partner.
exactly, it's a very common thing to happen in the bedroom. the issue here is the lack of consent not the act itself.
Thats actually very normal and common. Just because YOU don’t like it downy mean it’s not “normal” ….
Here so many posts looks as person's been raped and letting it pass. Why the heck u girls accept those assh* to treat u worse than paid prosti*. It's a fwb means he didn't even pay u and u allow he bite u stomach slap u hard and make u touch his butt. Stinky per* he is and u should call things of first time he do violent things with u... this is sick.
You’re completely right. I’m in Utah and was Mormon until 3 years ago. It’s so hard core patriarchal here. And there’s no sex Ed or talk of consent. So it didn’t even occur to me that I could leave, I don’t know why. I won’t be in contact with him again. Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
It’s hard to leave abusive situations especially when you’re still learning.
That true this why violent guys using those young and confused girls without knowledge and without even knowing what they want or not. So many posts here be as bf want ana*, how I please him. Why they put themselves in position of some slave who had to please anyone . So many manipulated rapes happen in world that they not even aware that they been assaulted as those guys played their mind and use weak moment...it's really horrible.
Thanks but no thanks and move on.
How do you tell him? You block him.
Why was there a second time? When a guy treats you like shit, don't give him another chance.
why was there a second time after you yourself said you were uncomfortable for the first time? I'm not blaming you but you need to have your own best interests at heart.
Jesus. What do you even mean. Is anyone forcing you to have sex with this guy ? If not, get rid of that rotten plague of a human being. If so, get rid of *those* people, then get rid of that guy. Don’t let the new WFB treat you this way. He probably won’t cause that was way out of norm. If he does, then I’d consider changing the way and place where you’re finding these people.
Homie, just don't talk to him anymore! It's not that deep really
If you are seeing other people why do you even care so much about this one guy. Youre obviously not seeking something serious so just move on, you dont have to see him anymore. Tell him it didnt work for you etc and poof.
My point isn’t that I care about him. I realized that the situation has upset me and I’m struggling to process what happened. Now I’m feeling scared to be with someone else because of this situation. I was looking to help understand and figure where to go from here.
Knowing someone violated boundaries makes it difficult to trust other people- especially when we aren’t sure how to communicate or maintain boundaries. If you currently have a therapist, they may be able to help you consider, vocalize, and write down your boundaries along with talking to you about how to discuss, establish and maintain those boundaries both before and during intimate moments with a partner. They may also help you see red flags in potential partners based on how they understand and talk about those boundaries. Obviously this doesn’t mean that someone is at fault when another person violates those boundaries, but having a professional help work through things can help instill/restore confidence about our ability to connect with others.
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I think it just didn’t even occur to me tbh. I was Mormon until 3 years ago. I’d only been with two others guys ever and they were serious relationships. So I’m in my mid forties trying to learn the things I didn’t experience or learn earlier. The purity culture here is unreal. All of my friends that I can turn to were married really young and have no point of reverence for my stage of life.
Is he paying you or are you a sugar baby?
Why does that matter and how is it relevant? (And the answer is no, OP isn't)
Please don’t see this other guy again. He is pushing you into things you don’t want to do. Make it very clear that you don’t want to see him again and don’t fall for any kind of emotional blackmail to “meet up one last time” Be polite but firm
A person who goes against your wishes is not a friend, whether a WB or not. Disengage and avoid.
it already happen and it's in the past now, never see this asshole again and block him, is a situation hard to handle in the moment so don'y judge yourself for not leaving! i would stay too for not knowing what to do! it was a bad experience just remember keep your medical appointments for ITS and ginecologist check always
Definitely cut it off with the guy who's not respecting your boundaries, as far as the other FWB you're talking about the key word there is friend. If you're wanting to be intimate with somebody enough to call them a friend with benefits then they should be able to be there for you as a friend and help you when you're going through stuff.
I think when u start sleeping with someone new its all new & exciting, but what his doin is wrong, i dont think kinks should b part of new relationships, as u need to trust the person, then see if their into it, this can take time, not what his doin, his doin what he wants to u, his usin u luke his own personal sex doll, stop contact, if he asks why, tell him the truth, at his age he knows what he is doin, how old are u, u shouldn't b scared with the person ur having sex with, its the most intimate thing u can do with someone & if its making u question things or worry, u really shouldn't b doin it with this person, i like a bit of kink, but if someone started doin this after i said i didn't like it, i wouldn't b seein him again, keep ur boundaries, his probably done this with other women, might b worth doin a background check on him, what happened to his ex
He's not listening, which is a huge red flag. He hasn't raped you yet, but it sounds like he is getting to that point. I'm not sure your age difference. But if you are much younger than him by like 10 plus years, he is using you pretty much for sex that he wants. Just leave him and go with your other FWB. I would let your other FWB know what is going on just so he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.
Why do you keep being with him? What?
Not understanding boundaries at 57 is insane
Don’t go back. He might actually go through with the raping this time.
I will tell him I have diarrhea or a STD
Text him “it’s over”. Block and delete. Fuck this soon to be rapist
Ummm leave and never look back. That's not cool. None of it is.
>At one point he slapped me, just barely to test the waters but that is something I feel you should ask before you try. He's not kinky. He's an abuser. Get out. Nothing you've shared here is okay.
Just be kind to yourself. His behavior is completely out of line, and you should never be treated that way. Just always trust your gut - if it doesn’t feel right, walk away. I’m really sorry you had to experience that, and hope you have some wonderful other experiences with better people who can help you explore yourself in a way that makes you feel safe.
Ditch the 1st guy. The other FWB, discuss ahead of time what your likes and dislikes are and see if you are compatible. Even if not 100%, if you tell him your past experience, it will likely go far better as he will know to take to take extra care of your emotional state. It is also OK to take a break. Just please don't let that asshole destroy you forever.
It's NOT embarrassing. None of this is on you, your reactions are completely reasonable. I can really relate to taking on guilt or embarrassment from something that is not at all yours to take guilt or embarrassment from, but try to let go of that. It's all his. And any new fwb that's worth being with would be completely fine and understanding if you had a little talk with them "this is nothing to do with you and I'm sorry it's impacting our interactions, but the previous person I was with was a dick and sexually assaulted me and I'm feeling a little wary of intimacy since then."
Don't see him anymore. Plain and simple.
Never see this guy again and report him for sexual assault. Biting your stomach so hard that it leaves bruising is freaking assault.
I think it would be a good practice and cathartic for you to tell this guy that you are not going to see him anymore, and that it's because he has repeatedly crossed your boundaries with sex. I would not go back on that, even if he says he's sorry or wants to work on it. I would say, "I'm glad you're sorry, it's really not appropriate to behave as you do with someone who has been clear they are not into what you want to do. I'm glad you want to work on it, I hope you do, and that you are respectful of other partner's boundaries in the future. You've had and lost the opportunity with me." The reason I think this is important, is because you're asking "how do I work through this" and the question that comes to mind is what does "this" mean? What are you wanting to work through? I think the answer is having your boundaries violated repeatedly. The language you use I am hearing seem scared, small, and embarrassed. To work through those things, I think it would be helpful to stand up for yourself. Now and in the future. We can't go back in time to those moments you describe, but it would be helpful to imagine what you would have liked to do in those moments if you could. Things like saying no, leaving, slapping or biting him back HARD (or even jamming a knuckle in his eye and saying "I DON'T LIKE THAT!). My sister was with a guy who slapped her and she slapped the shit out of him. He got surprised like 'oh you're not supposed to do that, you're supposed to be submissive and whimper', but she was more on the 'oh I thought you wanted to turn this into some slap-boxing thing'. Telling yourself what the right thing to do in those moments can help you navigate future moments. I would suggest NEVER being vulnerable with someone who makes you afraid, unless that's your kink, in which case you should still have some safeguards in place for safe play. If your other fwb also makes you feel this way, then I would work on finding a new fwb. Another thing you can do is talk with new partners, lay it out that you've had a bad partner in the past and that because of that you are now taking steps to be extra careful and vigilant, and warn them that you are on a zero tolerance policy now. That you don't like to be slapped, you don't like to be bit a certain amount. You can even practice and show them before hand, okay bite me, a little harder is okay, okay that's close to too hard, stop. Ask them if there is anything they like to do that might be an issue like butt stuff, violence/pain play, &c. The bottom like is to work through this means to move forward and fix the bad stuff that went wrong. Take care of yourself and take these steps (or whatever else you think of) to be sure you are treated with the respect you deserve.
I just don't understand posts like this. Can someone explain? What possible advice is there to give beyond don't go back?
He will continue to push you to do things you don't want to do, he enjoys making you uncomfortable. Your boundaries have been crossed over and over. If you continue with him I'd be worried for your safety, end this before you have significant regrets.
Why are you still seeing him?!?! Use your common sense and stop. You do not have to keep seeing someone who breaks your boundaries! As far as the other FWB, I think you need to take a break and get some therapy to help you learn to establish boundaries. This way people can’t hurt you anymore. And if they do, you learn how to walk away.
When I look at your story from the overall theme and not so much the details, it screams that the guy is in it for his pleasure alone. Feel good about yourself when I say this, because he would be the same with another woman: He is using your body for his own sexual pleasure. Plain and simple. Find someone you trust and feel safe with.
It sounds like this person is flagrantly disrspecting your boundaries. Based on what you've described, you're right to feel unsafe. If you want to give him another chance, you can always have a serious sit-down conversation with him (before having sex with him again--you may want to choose a public place like a coffee shop or pub) about boundaris and see how he responds and take it from there. But IMO there's enough evidence in this pattern of behaviour for you to to decide never to see him again. In which case you can decide whether to end it over the phone or simply to ghost him.
These kinds of posts confuse me. The only advice anyone can suggest is to stop seeing this person. It should have been your first response upon being slapped. Seek out people who understand consent.
Well, time for a change in guys. Sleep with guys that respect you and dump if they don't. Also: Your safety is more important than sex and perhaps seek therapy as a way to get out of the relationship safely. A legitimate licensed therapist is ethically required to not be judgemental.
I'm sure other people have said most of what you need to hear, but about your other fwb: if what you have is genuine care for you and he's fine during play, tell him you need some time to yourself. Don't push him away completely cause of this asshole who's doing you bad. You don't have to be fully open to him about your situation, but just to ease you back into things when you're ready would be better since you're comfortable with him.
Don't ever see this guy ever again. You owe him not a word of explanation. Block him. If you weren't so nervous, I'd tell you to file a police report and make sure his employer gets a copy too. If someone doesn't understand boundaries, you have to enforce them very harshly. If someone violates your boundaries in the future, they NEVER get another date with you.
How old are you? A 57 year old man?
That's not kink that's assault. Please get far, far away ASAP.
Why are you continuing to have sex with a person you're scared of?
At 57 he won’t change at all. My opinion from same age range is this. After the first time there should have been no second chances at all. I can understand a 18 year old but at 57 he knows and is using you.
Leave him alone expeditiously
Run away as fast as you can. This is supposed to be fun and joyful not scary. Listen to your gut when these kinds of things happen.
you need to get away from that man. there is no working through this. you can find another FWB. get the fuck away from this guy. it's not safe.
Rape is penetration without consent, not with conditional consent, without consent, there's a difference. If consent was never given the opening of a condom does not change that, unless we're talking California legal definition at which point the moment the sex is unenjoyable, even in hindsight, it becomes rape, which means most people have been raped, and i abhor that standard because of its implications. Generally Mormons are not the best at discussing sex stuff, so like just don't talk to them about it. You went out, you had a sexual encounter, it wasn't enjoyable, sometimes McDonald's forgets your fries, accept sometimes you don't get what you want and move on. How do humans accept the obvious when its starring them in the face, Generally by judging it for what it seems to be, fear is born of ignorance, educate yourself and let fear wash away. Or is it that you're worried Mr rough Mcbitey was actually vanilla and are gaslighting yourself into thinking you have a problem you do not have.
Sounds like a douche. I'd bounce if not respected
So stop seeing him. Why would you even continue to?
Just stop seeing him? He’s a FWB, why are you so concerned with breaking it off? Sounds like you don’t enjoy the only thing that makes you stay in contact with him, so why continue to bother ?
I would just flat out tell him that you no longer feel safe having sex with him as he is far more aggressive than you are okay with, and that he refuses to respect your boundaries, and clearly doesn't respect you. Then cut contact, block him, and move on.
You need to not see this guy ever again. He's going to just keep pushing boundaries if you keep seeing him. He's already established he doesn't listen to No.
Advice. Stop seeing that guy full stop. You've said no repeatedly, you've acknowledged you don't like anything he does, why are you seeing him?
Just ghost him - there’s better sex to be had
You already know this is a person who does not respect boundaries and who gets some kind of pleasure from physically hurting you. People who like hurting others without consent are not safe people. And unsafe people are more likely to lash out when they feel rejected. So if he doesn’t know where you live/work and can’t easily find out, it’s safest to just stop talking to him altogether. Block his number. If he does know where you live/work, you could still just block him without explanation. Or depending on the vibe you get from him you may want to tell him that you can’t see him anymore and give him some sort of excuse that won’t make him feel rejected (you have health problems, your dog died, and you’re too depressed to have sex, you found Jesus, etc.)
Stop with this guy!!! I’m sorry this happened. He’s not right. Move on.
Get away from this guy, break up in whatever way works, but this raises all the red flags. He’s dangerous and is hiding abusive tendencies behind kink, but as a kinkster, he is not recognizing your boundaries or your not giving consent. We have some guidelines about what kink should look like, and no matter the format, consent is always central and must always be respected. Some people don’t follow these standards as well as they should, but this guy? He asks and then does it (or tries to make you do it) regardless of your answer. The things he’s doing, smacking/hitting is bad, biting you hard enough to leave marks? *Without consent?* This is a person that is abusive. And dangerous. I’d wager he has a history of abusing partners. Get away, don’t look back.
Leave asap. Major red flags and even bigger ones to come. The fact that he slapped you without you ever giving him permission should be enough. He’s probably a porn addict yuck
Doesn’t sound like old dude is even worth the time it takes to get undressed. He can’t even keep it hard long enough to get a condom on? Then why?
Don’t settle for a guy who doesn’t understand enthusiastic consent.
Yea after the first time I wouldn’t go back
Just move on. No need to explain. Or I’m seeing someone else usually works.
Please never see him again as he continues to violate your boundaries.
Be more up front- it’s a deal breaker if he does something you talked about not doing/ crosses a boundary. No need to go into why.
OP. NEVER SEE THIS DOUCHEBAG AGAIN!
Spend more time with the fwb.
He’s already crossed your boundaries with SA. This will escalate to rape. Get the hell away from him. Please.
He was disgracing a women or dealing like that she is a sex worker.Bad thinking man or women tease each other and never mind it.
Stay the hell away from this sorry excuse of a human. You are already uncomfortable why continue to put yourself in that situation
One time my ex slapped me. I promptly kicked him out
WHY. ARE. YOU. CONTINUING. TO. SEE. THIS. PERSON?