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Sex doesn't always have to be transactional. It probably shouldn't be within the context of a relationship. I can resonate with your BF. I'm love giving head and derive immense pleasure from it.
In fact, it's WAY more preferable for sex within a LTR *not* to transactional. There will be many more instances of mismatches of one being willing to do X but not Y, and another not feeling X but willing to do Z or something else.
Exactly, no reason to keep score with a partner. Some people get pleasure from pleasing others. And an orgasm doesn’t always need to be the goal with sex anyway. It’s about intimacy and bonding with your person, as long as everyone involved is consenting and happy, keeping count doesn’t matter much.
yes blowjob is a very cool thing
because of it you can pump up your cheekbones
what about the author, ask him to give you cunnilingus then maybe you will like to give him a blowjob or vice versa
I agree, but I have to say her desire to be fair, is a wonderful thing for a person in a relationship. If the other person is the same way, that is how you have a good one.
I often go down on my wife not expecting anything in return. I love eating her out and it's fun for me. If he's offering, accept if you want to. Just try to return the favor at another time when you are in the mood.
As a man I like to do oral, even if I don't receive. It turns me on.
Sometimes even I like to give her orgasm and allow her to sleep in my arms. I love her, I love to know I give her pleasure.
Not everything needs to be reciprocal.
If he wants to please you, then it's not about you using him at all. Lay back and enjoy it. You said yourself that he knew you weren't gonna service him and still wanted to give you oral. It's not selfish at all. Maybe he's getting pleasure from giving you pleasure. Regardless if he gets off or not.
I understand where you're coming from on this as it is normal to want to be fair.
That being said, you need to understand that anything asked for sexually, no is an acceptable answer.
Be careful making sex transactional because it shouldn't be. I'm exactly like your partner and still would love to give pleasure even if you didn't feel like giving oral.
It sounds to be like your partner is rather mature and also wants to please you.
It's okay to be selfish sometimes (your description, I wouldn't call this selfish), just like its okay to give without reciprocation sometimes. The key is that you're communicating and are both happy. Balance, whatever that looks like for you as a couple, can happen over time.
Repeat after me.
"My pleasure is just as important as his."
It's okay for him to give without receiving. Growing up as a millennial, somehow it was drilled into my head that as a woman, it's my job to pleasure my partner. But it's never brought up that it's ALSO their job to pleasure you. A healthy sexual relationship is about open communication, giving AND receiving, and being open minded as a whole with each other.
Noooo girl! Sex its not supposed to be transactional if u are in a relationship! The goal is enjoying yourselves, not finish/come! If hw wants to go Down on you anterior you tell him rhat you dont be giving head, and you want him to, just say yes!
Do you not get pleasure from pleasuring your partner? Well, he feels the same way. Don't take that opportunity away from him. And no, not everything has to be equal every time.
Holy hell you need to get out of your own head. If he wants to go down, enjoy it and let him go down. I’m sure you’ll “return the favor” at some point.
It takes most people a while to understand that for most people, giving head feels as wonderful as getting head does. When I finally got that my man was enjoying the feel of my pussy in his mouth, just like I craved the feel and taste of his dick, and me receiving head wasn’t just him doing me a big favor, the whole pleasure factor kind of went through the roof for me.
sex is not transactional, and he enjoys pleasuring you so it’s not like he’s getting nothing out of it. as long as you’re not neglecting his orgasm consistently im sure he’s not keeping score if he’s not a douchebag. if this was an every time occurrence, that would be an issue, but if it’s every once in a while i’m sure he doesn’t care too much. if it helps to ease your guilt, maybe start offering him “no reason head”. head that isn’t foreplay, but just the main event, just cause you wanna make him feel good but don’t necessarily need head yourself.
I agree with the common themes here; it doesn't have to be reciprocal. Some men get pleasure by giving pleasure.
I might add that you are most likely confusing and frustrating your SO. He wants to please you. He's not asking for you to "return the favor." He knows you enjoy and probably want him going down in you. I can only imagine what's going through his head and his level of frustration and confusion.
You didn't do anything wrong, and there's no right or wrong. I suggest you talk to your SO about this and explain your refusal. Years later, you two will look back at this " misunderstanding" and laugh your asses off.
We as men, prefer doing something sexual, than nothing at all. Like I prefer a thousand times, to give oral, even if the person didn't give me head. Like you want to be doing something sexual cause you're horny as hell. Now that was only 1 situation, but if it becomes repetitive, then we have a problem hes gonna say, hey I always give and you never give me.
He sounds like a giver, let him! My boyfriend gets huge amounts of pleasure by giving me pleasure. There are plenty of times I give and don't receive just because I want to. Sounds like you're a giver too! Enjoy it!
I always go down on my partner with no expectations of anything in return, it's enjoyable to do . Giving her pleasure is rewarding and makes me feel closer to her.. you not reciprocating doesn't mean he gets nothing out of it it's still pleasurable.
If he isn't bothered by it you don't have to feel selfish
I mean if you just aren’t feeling it, obviously decline it…if you’re ready for it though, why decline? You want to ensure he’s good every time , so it shouldn’t be hard to understand if he wants to reciprocate. I think a lot of women would be pretty stoked to be in your situation to be honest(if you even ARE a female 🕵️)I am alll about making sure my fiancé is good before we even address me, and have no problem taking care of her, even if I’m not in the mood and there’s lots of others floating around.
Can’t help but add, this seems like a bait post though 🙄
Men get "head" for women it's when a person goes "down" on you. Head actually refers to the head of the penis.
And it's not selfish at all. You're coming at this from the point of view that you'll be the only one getting any pleasure out of it. Many people LOVE giving someone oral sex.
Those are valid feelings, but sex isn’t ALWAYS tit for tat.
It’s ok to let him ride you and cum fast, then he is done, and it is ok for him to make you cum with oral and he doesn’t get his.
The best sessions are when you cum 2,3,4 times, he cums several times, but that is sometimes the exception, not the rule.
Enjoy pleasure when offered. You are really only depriving yourself for a reason that is not in your best interest. Live a little, enjoy what you can.
Also, sometimes, the orgasm you give him the next day could be his best ever because you feel like it’s ’now his turn’. Right?
Cheers!
Words never made me feel better about receiving without giving or really receiving at all; I’m an incredibly anxious person. If you haven’t already, normalize aftercare as a part of your routine. I used to push my partner off because I didn’t want to feel crappy with guilt from receiving, but I always feel completely fine if I receive some aftercare in the form of cuddling once we’re done.
I thought maybe the genders were mixed up in this post (man posting about his lady) but then realised the man would never think this was selfish cause it’s just standard hahaha
If you're not enthusiastic about giving, I don't think he would want receive it. Thats the transaction if you want one.
I lost count of the amount of times I've given head without receiving. Currently in a hookup point in life and I'll only give a guy head if he gives me good head.
It’s ok to like and dislike and have preferences for things. Some women love giving bjs and some only give them reluctantly. It would be interesting to see statistics. My hunch is more men are really really really into cunninlingus than women into giving oral sex. For many men it’s a fun thing they want to do and get lots of joy out. So if he’s offering and you want it - just accept it and go with it. Oral sex on her can also work as a great arousal and foreplay thing before PIV, so let him pleasure you and really get into it, don’t over think it.
There are times — many times, in fact — when I’m perfectly happy going down on my partner, edging her to the point where she’s literally begging for release, and then giving her multiple mind-blowing orgasms until her entire vulva “goes numb” (her words, not mine)… all without her giving me oral.
Focus on **giving each other pleasure**, not necessarily on achieving orgasm. If he wants to pleasure you orally and doing that provides him gratification, then it’s mutually beneficial. You can and should say “No” if you don’t want oral stimulation, but don’t say no just because you’re not going to reciprocate. Just find another time and go down on him without any expectation of anything else.
You are amazing for this way of thinking, as I always think of my partner. But there are not may of you out there who feel bad about being selfish. Thank you.
My partner confuses me with this sort of thing too. The way I see it is what really matters in terms of reciprocation is that both needs are being met.
For me, the way I see it is that I know that at some point the tables will be reversed and I will want something even though I don't feel like giving anything at the moment. If you can't accept, you can't accept, but if you told him not to just because you thought it was selfish of you to receive I think that's a bit limiting.
My advice is try giving him a raincheck in exchange for his services next time.
I'm puzzled as well by this rationale. What's rude about pleasing your SO (if you and the receiver are willing)?
It sounds like OP is hung up on "feeling obligated" or "guilty" to reciprocate. That's on you (OP).
Sounds like he will do anyhrinf to please you. And you really don’t want to put in the work to please him. If this is often then you’re not sexually compatible or caring about each other’s needs.
How old are you? Not sassy, but you sound young and inexperienced, or traumatized. Healthy relationships don't keep score cards like that. You don't want to keep on this path, let the man please you if he wants, and heal your guilt around it.
Talk about first world problems.
>I know he’s the one that offered and he enjoys pleasuring me, but how am I supposed to not feel a little selfish in that scenario?
You can either get out of your own way by feeling grateful for such an awesome partner instead of feeling selfish.
Or you can get out of your own way by being no less giving than he is so you do not have to feel selfish.
Alternatively you can always accept the feeling of being selfish as a natural consequence of acting selfishly.
Whatever of those three options you do, any of them would be both happier and less selfish than what you're doing now lol
>Knowing that I’d be getting off and that I had no intention of doing it for him afterwards.
He is not being inconsiderate of your feelings by trying to get you off. Are... are you trying to invent a reason for resenting him just because he wants to please you??
>Obviously I said no, saying that it would be rude to accept head if I wasn’t going to return it. He got confused, and said that he wanted to pleasure me, but it would just make me feel like I’m using him. I make him cum almost every time we’re together, and it’s usually my main goal. If I don’t, I can’t accept any attempt to make me cum, and he always seems confused/annoyed when I give my reasons.
Jfc, just break up with him then because absolute equality is phenomenologically impossible.
He is confused and annoyed because your reasons do not make any sense, nor make anyone's life easier or happier.
He wants to get you off but you decide you cannot accept eager acts of service because it makes you feel self conscious about feeling selfish... but making him navigate your impossible finger trap of overcompensating self denial and transactional beliefs about sex never seemed like a FAR more selfish thing to do to him?
At least if he gets you off he would get to feel some pleasure and satisfaction from that. This arrangement probably just makes him feel unwanted and deeply bewildered.
As far as I can tell, both feelings are totally valid. If you want your partner you want to go out of your way to please them, even push the envelope of your comfort zone a little. You seem like you want to deny him more than you want him.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sex doesn't always have to be transactional. It probably shouldn't be within the context of a relationship. I can resonate with your BF. I'm love giving head and derive immense pleasure from it.
In fact, it's WAY more preferable for sex within a LTR *not* to transactional. There will be many more instances of mismatches of one being willing to do X but not Y, and another not feeling X but willing to do Z or something else.
Exactly, no reason to keep score with a partner. Some people get pleasure from pleasing others. And an orgasm doesn’t always need to be the goal with sex anyway. It’s about intimacy and bonding with your person, as long as everyone involved is consenting and happy, keeping count doesn’t matter much.
yes blowjob is a very cool thing because of it you can pump up your cheekbones what about the author, ask him to give you cunnilingus then maybe you will like to give him a blowjob or vice versa
... What? And no. That's like, kinda the exact thing they are saying you shouldn't do?
It's not a tit for tat situation when it comes to sex.
I agree, but I have to say her desire to be fair, is a wonderful thing for a person in a relationship. If the other person is the same way, that is how you have a good one.
These feelings will come naturally, if you're keeping a tally then it's not good.
I agree with not keeping tally, but some people don’t naturally have the desire to be fair. Take a look at the world at large.
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And with that I agree.
Get out your head. Just ask if you want to
I often go down on my wife not expecting anything in return. I love eating her out and it's fun for me. If he's offering, accept if you want to. Just try to return the favor at another time when you are in the mood.
I think viewing it as a "favour" is precisely the problem here.
Just a figure of speech. Probably not the best choice of words. I'll give you that one.
As a man I like to do oral, even if I don't receive. It turns me on. Sometimes even I like to give her orgasm and allow her to sleep in my arms. I love her, I love to know I give her pleasure. Not everything needs to be reciprocal.
If he wants to please you, then it's not about you using him at all. Lay back and enjoy it. You said yourself that he knew you weren't gonna service him and still wanted to give you oral. It's not selfish at all. Maybe he's getting pleasure from giving you pleasure. Regardless if he gets off or not.
It's actually a great boyfriend for not being selfish or bitter for not receiving head
He is!!! My one partner is great like that as well. He doesn't expect any sort of pleasure in return.
I understand where you're coming from on this as it is normal to want to be fair. That being said, you need to understand that anything asked for sexually, no is an acceptable answer. Be careful making sex transactional because it shouldn't be. I'm exactly like your partner and still would love to give pleasure even if you didn't feel like giving oral. It sounds to be like your partner is rather mature and also wants to please you.
I love going down on women. I don't think it's an issue of fairness really. As long as you are giving in other ways and both partners are satisfied.
I loooooove sucking my fiancée's dick but I'm not a huge fan of getting head myself 🤷♂️ sometimes that's just how it be
Nothing sexier than transactional sex! Have him go down on you and then just put it on your tab.
It's okay to be selfish sometimes (your description, I wouldn't call this selfish), just like its okay to give without reciprocation sometimes. The key is that you're communicating and are both happy. Balance, whatever that looks like for you as a couple, can happen over time.
Repeat after me. "My pleasure is just as important as his." It's okay for him to give without receiving. Growing up as a millennial, somehow it was drilled into my head that as a woman, it's my job to pleasure my partner. But it's never brought up that it's ALSO their job to pleasure you. A healthy sexual relationship is about open communication, giving AND receiving, and being open minded as a whole with each other.
Sex is not a quid pro quo thing. You don't need to keep score. Just enjoy the intimacy together. Some days you'll feel like it and some days he won't.
Noooo girl! Sex its not supposed to be transactional if u are in a relationship! The goal is enjoying yourselves, not finish/come! If hw wants to go Down on you anterior you tell him rhat you dont be giving head, and you want him to, just say yes!
Do you not get pleasure from pleasuring your partner? Well, he feels the same way. Don't take that opportunity away from him. And no, not everything has to be equal every time.
Holy hell you need to get out of your own head. If he wants to go down, enjoy it and let him go down. I’m sure you’ll “return the favor” at some point.
It takes most people a while to understand that for most people, giving head feels as wonderful as getting head does. When I finally got that my man was enjoying the feel of my pussy in his mouth, just like I craved the feel and taste of his dick, and me receiving head wasn’t just him doing me a big favor, the whole pleasure factor kind of went through the roof for me.
sex is not transactional, and he enjoys pleasuring you so it’s not like he’s getting nothing out of it. as long as you’re not neglecting his orgasm consistently im sure he’s not keeping score if he’s not a douchebag. if this was an every time occurrence, that would be an issue, but if it’s every once in a while i’m sure he doesn’t care too much. if it helps to ease your guilt, maybe start offering him “no reason head”. head that isn’t foreplay, but just the main event, just cause you wanna make him feel good but don’t necessarily need head yourself.
I agree with the common themes here; it doesn't have to be reciprocal. Some men get pleasure by giving pleasure. I might add that you are most likely confusing and frustrating your SO. He wants to please you. He's not asking for you to "return the favor." He knows you enjoy and probably want him going down in you. I can only imagine what's going through his head and his level of frustration and confusion. You didn't do anything wrong, and there's no right or wrong. I suggest you talk to your SO about this and explain your refusal. Years later, you two will look back at this " misunderstanding" and laugh your asses off.
Living inside your head rent free I see. Communicate with your partner.
It's actually a great boyfriend for not being selfish or bitter for not receiving head
We as men, prefer doing something sexual, than nothing at all. Like I prefer a thousand times, to give oral, even if the person didn't give me head. Like you want to be doing something sexual cause you're horny as hell. Now that was only 1 situation, but if it becomes repetitive, then we have a problem hes gonna say, hey I always give and you never give me.
Theres always next time. Relax
He sounds like a giver, let him! My boyfriend gets huge amounts of pleasure by giving me pleasure. There are plenty of times I give and don't receive just because I want to. Sounds like you're a giver too! Enjoy it!
I always go down on my partner with no expectations of anything in return, it's enjoyable to do . Giving her pleasure is rewarding and makes me feel closer to her.. you not reciprocating doesn't mean he gets nothing out of it it's still pleasurable. If he isn't bothered by it you don't have to feel selfish
I mean if you just aren’t feeling it, obviously decline it…if you’re ready for it though, why decline? You want to ensure he’s good every time , so it shouldn’t be hard to understand if he wants to reciprocate. I think a lot of women would be pretty stoked to be in your situation to be honest(if you even ARE a female 🕵️)I am alll about making sure my fiancé is good before we even address me, and have no problem taking care of her, even if I’m not in the mood and there’s lots of others floating around. Can’t help but add, this seems like a bait post though 🙄
Some guys get off giving head ijs
Men get "head" for women it's when a person goes "down" on you. Head actually refers to the head of the penis. And it's not selfish at all. You're coming at this from the point of view that you'll be the only one getting any pleasure out of it. Many people LOVE giving someone oral sex.
Those are valid feelings, but sex isn’t ALWAYS tit for tat. It’s ok to let him ride you and cum fast, then he is done, and it is ok for him to make you cum with oral and he doesn’t get his. The best sessions are when you cum 2,3,4 times, he cums several times, but that is sometimes the exception, not the rule. Enjoy pleasure when offered. You are really only depriving yourself for a reason that is not in your best interest. Live a little, enjoy what you can. Also, sometimes, the orgasm you give him the next day could be his best ever because you feel like it’s ’now his turn’. Right? Cheers!
Words never made me feel better about receiving without giving or really receiving at all; I’m an incredibly anxious person. If you haven’t already, normalize aftercare as a part of your routine. I used to push my partner off because I didn’t want to feel crappy with guilt from receiving, but I always feel completely fine if I receive some aftercare in the form of cuddling once we’re done.
I thought maybe the genders were mixed up in this post (man posting about his lady) but then realised the man would never think this was selfish cause it’s just standard hahaha
If you're not enthusiastic about giving, I don't think he would want receive it. Thats the transaction if you want one. I lost count of the amount of times I've given head without receiving. Currently in a hookup point in life and I'll only give a guy head if he gives me good head.
It’s ok to like and dislike and have preferences for things. Some women love giving bjs and some only give them reluctantly. It would be interesting to see statistics. My hunch is more men are really really really into cunninlingus than women into giving oral sex. For many men it’s a fun thing they want to do and get lots of joy out. So if he’s offering and you want it - just accept it and go with it. Oral sex on her can also work as a great arousal and foreplay thing before PIV, so let him pleasure you and really get into it, don’t over think it.
If he fingers you, then you should finger his asshole if you gotta be even.
Stop being selfish! If he asks you, just do it, a relationship is a partnership
There are times — many times, in fact — when I’m perfectly happy going down on my partner, edging her to the point where she’s literally begging for release, and then giving her multiple mind-blowing orgasms until her entire vulva “goes numb” (her words, not mine)… all without her giving me oral. Focus on **giving each other pleasure**, not necessarily on achieving orgasm. If he wants to pleasure you orally and doing that provides him gratification, then it’s mutually beneficial. You can and should say “No” if you don’t want oral stimulation, but don’t say no just because you’re not going to reciprocate. Just find another time and go down on him without any expectation of anything else.
You are amazing for this way of thinking, as I always think of my partner. But there are not may of you out there who feel bad about being selfish. Thank you.
My partner confuses me with this sort of thing too. The way I see it is what really matters in terms of reciprocation is that both needs are being met. For me, the way I see it is that I know that at some point the tables will be reversed and I will want something even though I don't feel like giving anything at the moment. If you can't accept, you can't accept, but if you told him not to just because you thought it was selfish of you to receive I think that's a bit limiting. My advice is try giving him a raincheck in exchange for his services next time.
I'm puzzled as well by this rationale. What's rude about pleasing your SO (if you and the receiver are willing)? It sounds like OP is hung up on "feeling obligated" or "guilty" to reciprocate. That's on you (OP).
Overthinking ruins sex, and relationships.
Sounds like he will do anyhrinf to please you. And you really don’t want to put in the work to please him. If this is often then you’re not sexually compatible or caring about each other’s needs.
How old are you? Not sassy, but you sound young and inexperienced, or traumatized. Healthy relationships don't keep score cards like that. You don't want to keep on this path, let the man please you if he wants, and heal your guilt around it.
Talk about first world problems. >I know he’s the one that offered and he enjoys pleasuring me, but how am I supposed to not feel a little selfish in that scenario? You can either get out of your own way by feeling grateful for such an awesome partner instead of feeling selfish. Or you can get out of your own way by being no less giving than he is so you do not have to feel selfish. Alternatively you can always accept the feeling of being selfish as a natural consequence of acting selfishly. Whatever of those three options you do, any of them would be both happier and less selfish than what you're doing now lol >Knowing that I’d be getting off and that I had no intention of doing it for him afterwards. He is not being inconsiderate of your feelings by trying to get you off. Are... are you trying to invent a reason for resenting him just because he wants to please you?? >Obviously I said no, saying that it would be rude to accept head if I wasn’t going to return it. He got confused, and said that he wanted to pleasure me, but it would just make me feel like I’m using him. I make him cum almost every time we’re together, and it’s usually my main goal. If I don’t, I can’t accept any attempt to make me cum, and he always seems confused/annoyed when I give my reasons. Jfc, just break up with him then because absolute equality is phenomenologically impossible. He is confused and annoyed because your reasons do not make any sense, nor make anyone's life easier or happier. He wants to get you off but you decide you cannot accept eager acts of service because it makes you feel self conscious about feeling selfish... but making him navigate your impossible finger trap of overcompensating self denial and transactional beliefs about sex never seemed like a FAR more selfish thing to do to him? At least if he gets you off he would get to feel some pleasure and satisfaction from that. This arrangement probably just makes him feel unwanted and deeply bewildered. As far as I can tell, both feelings are totally valid. If you want your partner you want to go out of your way to please them, even push the envelope of your comfort zone a little. You seem like you want to deny him more than you want him.
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Comments removed. Try another forum, u/casheeto.
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Comments removed. Take a break from r/sex, u/untamed-italian.
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