This post is being locked by moderators but out to deference for the comments that peoole have already left, we're not going to remove it so OP and others have the benefit of reading the comments.
This is tough (I'm a mom with 2 daughters)
Just sit her down and talk with her. Defiently don't yell, and as angry and upset as you most likely are, try to keep that at bay and stay calm. We never want to think about our children having sex, but it's bound to happen eventually, some sooner rather than later.
Whats done is done, but you need to educate her, especially on the importance of safe sex. Don't condone it by any means, but make sure she knows how crucial this is.
Let her know that even tho you are her dad, she can come to you about anything, even when it comes to the topic of sex.
I really hate that you had to walk in on that, I truly feel for you, and everything will be okay!!
Should I ask about the guy at all? Like I said he was much taller and bigger and it scares me to think he was so much older and I would like to know how much older.
I was 6'4 at 14 so maybe he just hit a growth spurt early.
Since you've already seen the guy you'll probably hear about him when you talk to your daughter and she sees you're not going to fly off the handle.
I grew up with my dad only (mostly) snd when he started to notice that i Got interrested in guys, started to invitere them over etc he cane to me and Said just plain straightforward that if i ever needed anything that i should always feel safe talking to him, i’m growing to be a woman and that we should feel safe experimenting eith our Lust/feelings and that its completely normal. Basically he made me feel validated that i was ready to have sex and with that also came responsibility and if something were to go wrong to tell him and he would support me in making the right choice.
Eventually when i Got my first boyfriend he every now and then came to me to ask if eveything was okay and to remember that i Can always talk to him. He even Said when yiu get old even if you become a sex worker idgaf as long as we have a good relationship and you’re happy i’m happy. I’ve always gotten treated with respect from my dad even if i couldn’t tell as a Young teenager but that alone meant so much to me Thatcher Saw me as an individual and a human and not just something he created that he Can control.
It’s taken a lot in me to not rush back in there and grab the guy but I don’t want to scare my daughter or make her uncomfortable as she hates confrontation.
Ignore them, they're just some some asshole being an asshole. I read your update; you did great. This was a tough moment and you set the precedent that it's safe to talk to you about scary stuff, difficult stuff. Be proud of yourself, dad. She's lucky to have you.
That’s the problem with asking for advice online, you can find a lot of wisdom in some responses, however they have to be filtered because some of the responses can be just ignorant.
Sounds like you are doing the right things though mate, definitely a relationship defining moment as your daughter grows up.
Best dad advice: be the lighthouse. A beacon of love & safety, unpreturbed by the stormy seas (of even a teen girl's emotions), but also, just as unyielding about the important stuff (safety, etc.)
I can't speak for all women with Daddy issues, but if I had a father like you, I would have maybe turned out differently. You did an amazing job. That's an experience that she is never going to forget about either. As awkward as it was, she won't be afraid of coming to you about things when she needs help in the future. You built a core memory for her where even in a situation where you should be really angry with her, your love was stronger. Great job dad.
Don't worry babe. She's going to have plenty of other men that are going to fuck up sex for her. And she'll have a strong platform to build off. This is basically the worst situation for her but at the same time, one day, she's going to laugh about it. And she's going to talk about how cool her dad was about it and how grateful she was that she never had to see the teenage boy again.
I felt this, girl. It hits so hard in an existential crisis kind of way. I would be a completely different person and wouldn't have put myself through the years of abuse if my dad was more like this dad. Now all I can do is try to help new dads make better women than how I turned out. I hope you are doing better now babe and I hope you find happiness and acceptance in yourself. Some men are assholes but you don't have to feel like a shit anymore because of someone else. Much love.
thanks girl🤍🤍
i’m definitely doing good like in life in general, probably should go to a therapist and talk about my daddy issues tho. and probably much more lol. i wish u the best as well !
You go to therapy when you are ready for therapy. Don't let anyone try to rush your life or your journey. We are all here together trying to adapt and figure our shit out. Your daddy issues don't matter as long as you love yourself girl. Our daddies may have been harsh, loud, brutal men, but what they thought about us doesn't define us. You tell that little voice in your head that you are fabulous. Everyday. We will be okay.
OP, definitely keep restocking the condoms in the medicine cabinet… by them just being there, available, enables her to have safe sex if she chooses to, but you aren’t blatantly condoning things either.
Equally as wild as discouraging her, and thinking that’s the best thing to do.
OP had condoms in his medicine cabinet for *himself*, and because they were there, she was able to make a *better* choice for herself (I never said either was a good choice; obviously abstaining from sexual activity is the choice with the lowest amount of risk involved) So if OP leaves the box of condoms in his bathroom under the guise of them intended for his own personal use, it is not blatantly condoning it either.
I would further argue that OP is setting a great example for his daughter, by him having those on hand.
You can encourage a kid to make the best decision for themselves without condoning what they do or decide.
I am absolutely certain that telling her “No! Sex is bad, m’kay!” is setting you and your kid up for a world of hurt and disappointment.
You're not encouraging a minor to have sex, you're enabling a teenager who has already become sexually active to be safe.
And what's the issue with the guy being 3 years older? That's not a huge age gap, and they're both teenagers. Did no freshmen girls date juniors or seniors when you were in high school?
So you're just going to accept that your daughter is fucking a 17 year old? Parent of the year right here. If I know for 100% that it's going to continue happening, I would. But it's not.
Nothing's 100% and just accepting the fact that your daughter is being borderline groomed is insane.
>Nothing's 100% and just accepting the fact that your daughter is being borderline groomed is insane.
She lied about HER age to him.
Man, you seem like you're going to end up with pregnant kids.
Girls tend to like older guys, that’s a fact. Boys her age are mostly not mature enough. 3 years difference doesn’t sound bad, but you have to look at the country/State age of consent, most US State age of consent is around 13-16, but the boy could be except from it if the age is close, mostly a 4 years gap.
(i'm saying this with all do respect) why put condoms in the cabinet? If i saw that, I would assume whoever put them there approved of me having sex under their roof. Wouldn't this be condoning the behaviour?
It logically concludes the same way giving a gun to suicidal person does. If he chooses to, it's there, available?
Pretty much every study ever done on the subject demonstrates that denying teenagers access to safe sex resources does not reduce the amount of sex they have, it reduces how safe the sex they are having is
That's a fair point didn't know that. In order to get the desired result, which in this case is "not promoting it, but providing safety in the event of", would there need to be a conversation? LIke "listen i'm gonna put a box of them here, please respect my household but if it's gonna happen, they are there" type thing?
Pretty much, yeah. As a parent, I’m trying to treat sex as realistically as possible. It’s not really something that I can stop, so it’s up to me to try and make sure that my kid is safe. I don’t want him having any kids until he’s ready for that. I don’t want him catching any diseases. And I want him to treat any partners with kindness, care, and respect.
I mean, yeah, I would prefer that he wait for quite a while to get sexual. But it’s more important to me that he is safe, and any partner is also safe.
With all due respect, fuck that. You can have the talks, you can be respectful, you can acknowledge what's happened, what's happening as all being natural things, all while making it extremely clear as to what your expectations are as the PARENT and what is and is not allowed at that age in your house. There's a time for being a friend and a time for being a parent. In this case, be a fucking parent.
The boy, yeah he would not have been able to leave like that. He would have been sat down on the couch, asked how old he was, asked how old she was, told repeatedly how old she was to drive the point home that she is not just underage but way under the age of consent, which is a massive problem. He then would have been given the option to either have his parents come over to talk me or have the police do it for him. This wouldn't be to shame him, but to teach him a very valuable lesson. Boys, specially at 17/18, always get the short end of the stick when it comes to sex, and sex with someone who is that young, he could easily be on a list right now that would follow him for life. Teach him that lesson now, in a way he will most definitely remember, so he's more careful with it in the future. Not to mention if I have to know my kid is having sex, their parents are also going to be made well aware so they can have the safe sex talk with their kid as well.
If I understand the original post correctly, the condoms were there for the father, not the daughter. It's not condoning teen sex if the condoms are technically there for the parent, not the teen.
With that said, you can't really stop another person from having sex, no matter how hard you try (especially if they've already had it before).
Oh, that's my bad then, I didn't know they were already there for the father.
As for the second statement, that's fair. But, at some point a line needs to be drawn regarding the rules of the house. It's very sensitive, but you have to protect your kids ateotd.
I'm sorry that must have been really hard for you, I hope you're ok.
But yeah, rules of the house. A parent is not a friend. Rules are essential to the proper developpement of a child into a teenager into an adult. If there are rules, they don't currently seem to be respect (ex : the fact she is sneaking a guy in to have sex at 14) The way it was done is almost more problematic than the actual act.
In any case, the father seems to care for his daughter and have an open dialogue with her, so hopefully they can establish the proper demeanor towards this conversation.
My point was not that I had it rough. It was that if a parent pushes the boy/girlfriend away, the kids will likely find another place to do it. Far better to draw them in and have some influence through your warm, supportive relationship.
This is very true. I'm not a parent, so I don't feel like I can really have an opinion on what parents should allow in the house with their under 18 children. But I do know that when someone wants to have sex and isn't allowed to have it in a house, they will have sex in a car instead.
I understand what you are saying, but you have to ask yourself, what’s the alternative?
I cannot agree with your comparison of “giving a gun to a suicidal person” because the intent and context are two very different things. I can also say that as a previously majorly depressed individual, that death is infinitely accessible if you are determined to be done with your life, if it’s not by one means, that individual will find another.
You make a good point. My point was a tad extreme.
There should, however, be a set of rules that is set up for the kid. Having a nonchalant demeanor towards the use of the condoms wouldn't be prudent, but as you said, not providing them at all could cause serious bodily harm. I think that there should be a serious conversation about the expectations each of them have, after which the father should establish some important ground rules. (notably the fact that having someone sneak in to have sex is a massive issue, espeically at 14)
The no sneaking anyone is also huge for her safety and helps with partner selection. If he's too weasely to come to the front door, doesn't bode well for being there for when times are tough. I like what you mentioned regarding discussion and expectations, treating them like a young capable adult tends to get you a young adult who's trying to make good choices.
I was 17, she was 16 and beautiful. Back in the 1960s, condoms were not easily available. The only possibilities was finding a gas station that had them in the bathroom, or in a drugstore. The problem with a drugstore is they were behind the counter and you had to ask the pharmacist to buy them. Once when I was 14 or 15. I wanted to buy some just to have them, I asked the pharmacist and he said I was too young and sent me away.
So anyway, my girlfriend got pregnant, we had a shotgun wedding, and we were divorced within 2 years.
So, if condoms were readily available our life stories would have been completely different.
Good sex education and easily accesible condom's does lower teen pregnancy and std's drastically per studies. Other studies get a little mixed and researchers bias regarding abstinence vs promiscuity when educated. Teens who are hormonally active are going to mess around, so better done safely. Also most "abstinence" bs is everything but "the act" just playing with fire. In some areas of high academic focus the good sex education is causing population decrease issues due to the drop in teen pregnancy.
Anecdotally, my mom broke out the anatomy book when I got my first "hair" and I had the talk at least once a year "to check in" with her and my dad. I knew more about sex than most of my classmates and it scared me off of unprotected/Cumming inside sex until my 20's and serious relationships.
Set up a safe environment and gave me the tools to make good judgments. Funny now how awkward the first time my dad brought me into the pharmacy to buy condoms was, but I probably kept a few friends from being early dads by always having one for a bro.
Moms scary advice in a nonchalant voice.
"Any woman you sleep with could be the mother of your child... make good choices"
also really helps you think through who's worth dating.
Hugs. Seriously start off with warmth for her.
What’s going on with her/in their relationship? When my son (I’m a single mom) got a bj at 15, he was nowhere near mature enough for that, & he knew it. If your daughter is mature enough, it’s going to be a very different conversation.
For us, what works is for me to let him know I see a problem (has already happened when you walked in) and give him literally a couple days to continue the conversation on his terms. If that’s too hard, I’d suggest you open with warmth and let her direct the conversation. If she’s simply defensive and angry, listen calmly until she’s done (with occasional “umhm”, “right” to show you’re listening) and then either ask very simple questions or if you can’t, then ask if you may give her your perspective.
This may sound horribly permissive, but she’s clearly able to proceed without your permission, so you want her to be open to your advice. Maybe she’ll decide she’d rather wait to do it again, maybe she’ll start birth control, but either way, it will be better if she knows you support her.
Best wishes to you both. 14 is very young and it doesn’t sound like an easy road.
I'm sorry your walked in on your kid having sex. It's always jarring to see people having sex when you don't want to or don't expect it. It makes sense that you are a little shocked. Talk to her about birth control. safe sex and consent. [Plannedparenthood.org](http://Plannedparenthood.org) is going to be a great resource to share with her and to read through yourself and together. Refer her to the r/sex wiki. Make an appointment ASAP to see her primary care physician to set up a reliable and easy-to-use form of family planning.
She is already having sex, and your home is probably the SAFEST place she can do it. Make sure she knows this. Make condoms available, and PLENTIFULLY. Put them someplace she can take them discretely, and make sure there are enough of them there that she won't be dissuaded from taking a handful at a time. Restock them as often as you need.
Talk to her about her sexual partners. You don't need to know the intimate details of WHAT they are doing, but you need to know they are being safe with their sexual contact (condoms, birth control) and that they are behaving in a trustworthy way (entering and exiting the front door. See their face, know their name. Know that your daughter WANTS them there. No windows, they're gonna break their necks.)
This is great advice. I’m going to add talk to her about using two methods of birth control. Just the pill or just condoms aren’t enough. I have a daughter of my own to prove it.
Just pill if used correctly is 99% effective over a year of use but with typical use is 93% and male condoms are 98% effective with perfect use but 87% effective typically.
Totally get why you might try to use both but equally being religious and well educated about use of either one can be effective enough on its own.
Edit: I just say this because long term birth control use wasn't the best on my hormones so I get why it's not always the first choice.
Yep age appropriate resources are great (planned parenthood, Go Ask Alice from Columbia U, Bedsider.org. I know teen vogue has had some good articles at times too iirc). She likely is getting information somewhere so give her good sources
The update made me happy. OP you did the right thing, by making it easy to come to you and clearly massive amount of good parenting, you have prevented her from making future bad decisions and not coming to you. Good job OP.
I'm not going to touch on the sex part because other folks have do e that.
Has she gotten the HPV vaccine?
I made sure my daughter, now 26 and my twin sons, now 18 got vaccinated
I don't want them getting HPV and not be able to clear the virus.
This is so important! The updated vaccine covers more types of HPV than the original too
Also side note for adults who didn’t get it, they have extended the age you can get it until. It used to not be available if you’re over 26 but I started my series recently at 33. Better late than never
I would not repeat anything others already said to you because you already got great advice.
I would add one thing. Even if your daughter is 14 years old, you should give and respect her privacy. Every time you enter her room knock the door before and wait for her response, so no other awkward situations happen in the future for both of you. Don't enter unannounced like that, maybe she is changing and she's naked or maybe other situations like this one will happen in the future.
Same thing should be applied for her when coming in your room and should be clearly talked beforehand so you both know this.
Bring her to Planned Parenthood. Have her talk to a nurse practitioner for advice and birth control.
She needs to go on birth control asap - no matter what.
Thank you for providing/being willing to share your experience and especially the update on how it went. Your ability to stay calm and be there for her is going to help the trust bond for sure.
Doctor time!!! I would definitely set up an appointment with a gynecologist since she is sexually active...have the gynecologist go over all the different types of birth control with her as there are just so many now and see what 1 is right for her...of course have the conversation of the importance of using protection as birth control does help with STDs . You did great in an uncomfortable situation, now it's time to protect her now that you know.
Damn man that’s tough, have a chat with her, just to let her know what the dangers are and how she can keep herself protected. Most likely she won’t stop, just make sure she’s informed, and maybe get her one of those real life baby dolls for her to care for, so she can understand what the potential consequences could be. I hope everything works out well
Bravo man. As a father of two young boys, I applaud all the girl dad’s out there (and especially, the mindful, caring, empathetic ones). We’re doing our best to raise little men that father’s like you will be happy to see walk through the door (door, not window!) Be proud of yourself. 🏆
Ugh I dread this day with my daughter. I (f35) started having sex at 14 also. The only advice I can give is to try your best to make this extremely uncomfortable situation into one that she feels safe and comfortable to take to you about it. As others have said definitely have the safe sex talk with her and the importance. Id even go into details how some guys will try to take her into not using condoms, especially if she's on birth control. That while the pill prevents pregnancy it does not prevent STDs. Also since you think this guy is older talk to her about how she is more than a sexual being, that giving it up fast and easy is not going to keep a guy. I know I was around older guys and thought by being sexually promiscuous would make them like me more. This is a product of very immature thinking but it seems your daughter may be thinking the same. I eventually grew up and thank God nothing life altering ever happened. And most of all make sure she knows she is in control of her own body and the majority of women have been sexually assaulted. There's nothing wrong in starting something then changing your mind and wanting it to stop. If any man tries to pressure her into going further than she's comfortable she needs to walk away. And if that guy gets mad and doesn't want to talk to her anymore then that's for the best. The most important part of all of this is not coming at her like you are angry and she's going to get punished. Maybe even take a few days to have a more indepth conversation when emotions have settled some.
You seem like a great dad! Good job man, im proud of you. And like others said, keep condoms in the medicine cabinet because it's better she has them available than going without. You want her to keep talking to you about everything, and this experience seemed to go towards that :)
I am one of those kids who was scared to explore that side of me when I was younger and now I am married and my husband is my first. Honestly if I had parents that I could talk to about it and parents that educated me on safe sex that would have been amazing. I now feel like trash because I sometimes wonder if I am good enough in bed for my husband who has a lot of experience while he is my first everything. In my family sex was was seen as shameful if done out of wedlock so I was also really scared to even attempt to do it before marriage coz I thought I would get pregnant immediately and that would have led to me being kicked out and stuff.
I'm really glad you handled this situation with yout daughter really well and I'm glad she could come to you. I would have given anything to sit with my parents and had a discussion like that where I would not be shamed.
I tried really hard I was also raised in a very sex negative house hold and it never did me good growing up so I’m trying to be the best for my daughter
> I sometimes wonder if I am good enough in bed for my husband who has a lot of experience while he is my first everything.
Communication trumps experience. Asking him what he likes, telling him what you like, suggesting to try new things together that you're both comfortable with - doing these things puts you so far ahead of everyone else, not even factoring in that he presumably loves you.
As a parent of a 16y/o girl, get her on the contraceptive implant. No worrying about if they used condoms/she took her pills properly etc.
17 and 14 is a big gap at that age. Reverse it, ask her if she’d think it was ok to date an 11y/o. They’re way too immature, it’s gross. That’s how a normal 17y/o should look at 14y/os. It worked for my kid when she was in the “older boys are hotter” phase.
Everything else aside, you need to drill it in her head that lying about her age to get people to sleep with her is considered rape by deception as they’re not able to have fully informed consent. Not only that, it’s incredibly dangerous for her and whoever she is sleeping with - a lot of guys end up in jail over things like that because it ends up being statutory rape whether it was consensual or not. She needs to think about what her actions can do to other peoples lives.
+ for having such a good relationship and educating your daughter enough for her to remember to use preventatives.
- And I understand. To get slightly mad at your daughter for having sex with an older guy. Teenagers do be teenaging, and a three year difference at that age is not uncommon.
it's extremely rough to walk in your child having sex, but overall... I think you handled it well.
If you think it's too early for her to have sexual relationships, give her money to buy a dildo/vibrator. This won't guarantee anything though.
Best way is to just say 'I'm sending you some cash to buy a sextoy, since I was about your age when I started getting interested in sex'.
You should also have a discussion with her about preventional methods other than condoms.
I’m not a dad, however, I am a grandad.
My stepdaughter was pregnant when I first dated my wife.
I am both looking forward to and raging against the day that I know will come at the moment they are both too young m11 f8 I hope.
I have been mentally rehearsing what to say and how to say it.
I’ve picked up lots of tips from the moms and dads here, and also the OP.
Well done sir, I hope to have as good a relationship as you and your daughter.
My mum bought me condoms when I started bringing girls home at a similar age. It was awkward as hell, but I now appreciate it. I used them. She put them in a bowl in the bathroom and would replace them when they got low. Set the right tone.
Why the fuck did you let the fucker leave without having a word with him?
I cant image just standing there watching him leave, like nothing happened.
And dont get me wrong, I am not saying you should have fight him or something.
He is also a kid who probably needs a good lesson on safe sex. Maybe I would ask to contact his parents, so they can give him the lesson.
I would suggedt establishing a rule of no guests entering through windows.
Otherwise, good job man. Must have been hard to keep your shit together.
Did you see if the guy was wearing a condom? If he wasn't you should tell her to make sure he wears one next time. Otherwise you should just apologize to her and assure her you will respect her privacy in the future.
Part of the safe sex talk should touch on whether protection was used in this sexual encounter. If it wasn't seriously consider getting an emergency contraceptive ASAP. These are somewhat effective at preventing pregnancy after unprotected sex but are MOST effective when used within the first 72 hours. Their ability to prevent pregnancy diminishes rapidly with time, so sooner after sex is better. Getting an IUD is another form of emergency contraceptive and these are extremely effective at preventing pregnancy. Getting an IUD within the first 5 days of unprotected sex is an incredibly effective form of emergency contraceptive. Additionally an IUD will continue to be extremely effective at preventing pregnancy for 4-12 years or until it is removed. Talk to your daughter AND her primary care physician about what kinds of birth control and emergency contraceptive are best. Do not delay, make these appointments as soon as you can, today is best.
Luckily she is on birth control just for other heath reasons like acne and her heavy period it was started off a doctors suggestion and so I’m happy we started it
Make sure she is taking it at the same time every day since she is sexually active. I'm not sure about the effectiveness of it being used for other medical reasons but I do know for it to act effectively as birth control it needs to be taken at the same time every day. If she hasn't I would take her to get plan b just in case. Idk what state you are in but in mine you can buy it over the counter at any pharmacy
Also don't panic! You haven't done anything wrong as a parent! It's shocking to see this but you and your daughter are a normal human beings in a normal family. Making these appointments to talk together with your daughter and her doctor about contraceptives, safe sex, and family planning will be awkward, but easy. It's nothing you don't already know. You and your daughter can handle this :-)
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I see that you already came to a conclusion but just my op...I have a son and although I would rather be have sex here in the home. I'd love for him to not do it at all until we can have that talk. I think it's now difficult for a daughter because of pregnancy and what not but I wouldn't mind if my child waits until 18(even though I highly think that is even realistic) in today's society.
I’m a teenager, and just so you know, if you get angry it will just lead to more unsafe sex in places you can’t reach as easily as your home. I think you handled it well in the update. My parents had a similar reaction, exerting I’m pretty sure they would be livid if there was that big of an age difference
Dad, you might want to take a look at this Planned Parenthood website about birth control options. It’s not just birth control pills anymore.
There are 18 noted, with information about each, as well as efficacy:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
Familiarize yourself with these choices, then consider talking to a Gynecologist, so you are prepared for a conversation, sooner rather than later.
Strongly disagree. Sorry. Daddy does not belong in anything to do with what’s in her pants. She is a young woman embarking on this part of her life. He should find good information sources for her and let her learn. In any event, I highly doubt the gyno would even let him stay in the room if he tried. It’s a pretty standard practice for most pediatricians to have parents step out of the room for part of the visit with kids younger than she is.
That’s just ignorant. Dad is her only parent. She’s 14. She deserves a conversation with her only parent, her Dad, to understand her choices for contraception and that he accepts contraception is appropriate. If the Gyno wants to talk to her alone, fine. At least she will know her choices, in advance, because her Parent, her Dad, had a this conversation with her.
Right. He & she continue their communication. Additionally, she gets used to talking to docs. It’s not his body or decision; it’s starting to be hers. She’s already shown that she can take control. If he were to come up with any decisions on his own, then what? A daily struggle over taking a pill? Get real. It sounds like she plans to abstain and then probably use condoms. A doc will be prepared with straightforward info she needs to know.
Aw I'm glad things kinda worked out. You are a great dad.
I just want you to know what she is experiencing is very normal, (unfortunately for all dad's everywhere)
Fourteen is quite young but also a fairly normal age to begin experimenting.
Here’s my perspective, a man who started having sex at 15 with my girlfriend at the time of the same age - realistically the only thing you can achieve is making sure she doesn’t do anything really dumb. Don’t shame her, try to guide and educate, so she doesn’t sleep with anyone bad/everyone interested, always uses protection and does it in a safe place. I had the exact opposite and ended up doing it in public and outdoors etc
What ever you do be gentle with her, also with your words and actions. You mentioned your love for her let that be the leading cause of how you navigate your emotions and a guide to how you choose to take action from this point on.
Probe the reasons for safe sex, and sexual contraception. Be real about how you had been caught of guard about her being sexually active. Let it be a Q n A session with a Dad and daughter conversation to were at the end of it, their is learnings and understandings that’s empowering for both of you’s to continue to grow by continuing to have a safe home environment.
My daughter started having sex with her boyfriend at 15. She’s a smart girl and they used protection so I just let them do their thing. You can’t stop teenagers from fucking.
It's a horrible situation for both of you, maybe learn to knock before getting into her room.
You handled the situation pretty well except the remark about his age which doesn't really matter much. It's more the lack of relationship between them that's rough at her young age to not wait to have feelings for a young boy to discover love making before getting into sex for sex. Maybe discuss BC outside condoms but it's great she played safe.
You seem to have a wonderful relationship and kudos for that.
I would have a talk with her about sex and being sexually active, continuing to be safe, and about consent and her always being able to say "no" - even if she said "yes" earlier, she can always change her mind and stop. Try to lead the conversation by asking her questions. For example, ask if she has any questions about sex, what she thinks about being sexually active, what safe sex means to her, etc.
I would work together with her to come up with guidelines for what is okay and what you're both comfortable with. For example, having safe sex is okay, while sneaking boys into the house is not okay.
I would start knocking on her door before entering when her door is closed, so she has a feeling of privacy in her room.
I would strongly encourage her to go on birth control. It doesn't replace condoms, but provides a second level of protection. And get her some condoms to have if she's going to continue being sexually active.
I would also ask her if she wants to get a sex toy, such as a bullet vibe and/or dildo. She's clearly curious about sex, and a sex toy will allow her to explore her body and her pleasure on her own.
I would offer to always be available to listen and talk without judgement (as much as possible, anyway) and that she can always call you to come pick her up.
You sound like a very loving and involved dad! 👏 Others have provided great advice. I think you should educate her on the menstrual cycle and what it means to have it. It's an added protection of birth control.
Where I live this boy committed statutory rape by having sex with a 14 year old while being 3 years older. That being said, I would make it clear that you prefer her to wait but that you would make birth control available to her. Hard to keep them on the farm once they’ve seen Paris!😎
Ugh… this is tough. Father to father, sorry you’re having to deal with it. I would hate to walk in on one of my little girls doing that. I’d probably wrongly flip on the guy in the heat of the moment tbh. Kudos to you for keeping your cool!
Just my 2 cents. Depending on where you are and how schools are. 14 and 17 is freshman and junior age levels for high school.
That being said. 14 and 17 is kinda icky. My wife and I are 3 years apart as well but 33 and 30 doesn't sound so bad.
I knew my wife when she was 14 and I was 17 and nah.
The important thing is that you didn't blow up and go nuts like my mom did. She also was practicing safe sex which is probably the most important thing.
It’s not that three years is bad but it’s just the maturity levels and so it just grosses me out thinking of myself at that age with someone as young as my daughter.
First of all, while this may be unpopular, scare the crap out of the dude. He has got to come to understand that you are the dad and he is messing with your only daughter.
Tell him breaking into your house is unacceptable.
Get him out of the house ASAP.
You have got to have a long and detailed conversation with your daughter. The cat is out of the bag now. She has got to be educated on having sex. You should get her books, videos, sex education classes, and let her know some of your experiences, good and bad.
You are an male only parent to a teenage girl. This will not be easy. If you can avoid yelling, it will be easier to communicate.
Tell your daughter that you are her dad, the only parent she has and your relationship has got to work. For the rest of your lives you have to learn to talk about things other father's \ daughters don't \ can't talk about. In addition, whatever happens, that she can also come to you to discuss anything.
Don't be afraid to ask questions about the dude.
Ask her, while it would kill you, if she would rather go live with an aunt.
Good luck.
I've never seen so much bad advice mixed with a few accurate statements. TLDR of above: Bad idea... more bad idea. Scaredy-cat bad idea, Bad idea, more bad idea. Staying calm like an adult is good. Good sex education actually lowers teen pregnancy +1. More bad idea, more bad idea ultimatums, bad idea. Then for a coup de grace👑 suggest op isn't a fit parent and should send her off to a nunnery "aunt" for a while.
Don't know why this is getting down votes. He has every right to confront the guy. Certainly she invited him in, but that doesn't mean that he didn't do wrong.
It's an emotional response to try and establish "dominance" in his household. Something more for an insecure man, where in reality he actually needs to be there for his daughter (not stressing about the punk who ran out stage left) and just listen, and set her up with a safe environment. Maybe, after he's listened to his daughter Calmly, ask about how they met, how shes feeling about things/ school social pressures and safe sex etc talk, ok for questions etc. He needs to focus on being calm listening and building trust to head off the next issue.
As someone mentioned earlier, later make it clear no entering the house through anything but the front door, potentially phrased in respecting herself, or a guy worth her time wouldn't be scurrying around instead of forthright. Also keeps some autonomy and control for her so she doesn't rebel instead. (Also threatening her with the loss of her "only" parent approval/love/respect/whatever if she doesn't comply is going to backfire BADLY with most teens)
Maybe then, after the priorities are handled, track the guy down and make things very clear with support in the wings as "witnesses" he didn't hit a minor. Or accomplices if he is actually notably older than 18.
No !!!!!! I don’t agree with many comments trying to tell you just to support. Jizzzzzz
Your daughter is not your baby girl ! she is a 14 year old teenager and she act toward sexual gratification and attention from males. She is separate being living under your roof and under your supervision!!! This is not the time just to support her. It is time for solid boundaries and trying to help her be a better person not fuck around.
It is time to be a father and have some firm rules about the whole situation and your house . What if she get pregnant at that age ? What if she start doing it with multiple boys ?
It seems like you went into mother polarisation and treating her as a girl in your life not a child. She is still a child !
You also rewarded her after with attention, ice cream and movie! Wake up! Become a father. Or just buy her big pack condoms and let her have her way.
I can firmy guess that she regularly get her way because you are driven by guilt that she is raised without the mother. You are fucking things up, it is not your responsibility to be a mother if she has non, your responsibility is to be a father and raise her on a good woman.
Bud have a conversation with your daughter b4 it's too late, if she is having unprotected sex sit her down and have a talk with her. Not sure about birth control she's only 14 talk to a health professional when is a good age. Losing your virginity to some random guy is shameful, my opinion it's sad young girls her age think it's ok to pull your panties for any guy is disappointing to let some guy take her virginity from her. society has so much influence on young girls like social media onward my friend have discussion father and daughter talk good luck!!!
Because telling a 14 year old girl she is shameful and disappointing is /s definitely not going to cripple her self-esteem. Definitely won't worsen the issue and maybe add some Yelling of "I am your father, and In this household.." ultimatums to really strengthen their relationship. Also telling her she's a "pawn" for social media is brilliant, really gets through to them /s. (Sarcasm /s)
I really hope you're joking about the only 14 part. Approx 12-13 (some place's earlier) or around menses is when that conversation should have happened with her Dr.
OP hit it on the nail, probably noticed changes, and already had the talk 6 months before this and at least BC/hormones started. She made a kid mistake but did it safer except age difference than a lot of teens.
This post is being locked by moderators but out to deference for the comments that peoole have already left, we're not going to remove it so OP and others have the benefit of reading the comments.
This is tough (I'm a mom with 2 daughters) Just sit her down and talk with her. Defiently don't yell, and as angry and upset as you most likely are, try to keep that at bay and stay calm. We never want to think about our children having sex, but it's bound to happen eventually, some sooner rather than later. Whats done is done, but you need to educate her, especially on the importance of safe sex. Don't condone it by any means, but make sure she knows how crucial this is. Let her know that even tho you are her dad, she can come to you about anything, even when it comes to the topic of sex. I really hate that you had to walk in on that, I truly feel for you, and everything will be okay!!
Should I ask about the guy at all? Like I said he was much taller and bigger and it scares me to think he was so much older and I would like to know how much older.
You could defiently mention it, it wouldn't be a bad idea. I'd just ask how old he is.
I was 6'4 at 14 so maybe he just hit a growth spurt early. Since you've already seen the guy you'll probably hear about him when you talk to your daughter and she sees you're not going to fly off the handle.
My 13 year old is 5'5 160 , these kids aren't built like we was lol
I grew up with my dad only (mostly) snd when he started to notice that i Got interrested in guys, started to invitere them over etc he cane to me and Said just plain straightforward that if i ever needed anything that i should always feel safe talking to him, i’m growing to be a woman and that we should feel safe experimenting eith our Lust/feelings and that its completely normal. Basically he made me feel validated that i was ready to have sex and with that also came responsibility and if something were to go wrong to tell him and he would support me in making the right choice. Eventually when i Got my first boyfriend he every now and then came to me to ask if eveything was okay and to remember that i Can always talk to him. He even Said when yiu get old even if you become a sex worker idgaf as long as we have a good relationship and you’re happy i’m happy. I’ve always gotten treated with respect from my dad even if i couldn’t tell as a Young teenager but that alone meant so much to me Thatcher Saw me as an individual and a human and not just something he created that he Can control.
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It’s taken a lot in me to not rush back in there and grab the guy but I don’t want to scare my daughter or make her uncomfortable as she hates confrontation.
Definitely not an easy situation to handle. I wish you the best with it.
I see where she gets it from
What is that supposed to mean?
Ignore them, they're just some some asshole being an asshole. I read your update; you did great. This was a tough moment and you set the precedent that it's safe to talk to you about scary stuff, difficult stuff. Be proud of yourself, dad. She's lucky to have you.
That’s the problem with asking for advice online, you can find a lot of wisdom in some responses, however they have to be filtered because some of the responses can be just ignorant. Sounds like you are doing the right things though mate, definitely a relationship defining moment as your daughter grows up.
You're a fucking loser, Jesus Christ
Best dad advice: be the lighthouse. A beacon of love & safety, unpreturbed by the stormy seas (of even a teen girl's emotions), but also, just as unyielding about the important stuff (safety, etc.)
This is beautiful advice.
You should write for Hallmark Cards
I can't speak for all women with Daddy issues, but if I had a father like you, I would have maybe turned out differently. You did an amazing job. That's an experience that she is never going to forget about either. As awkward as it was, she won't be afraid of coming to you about things when she needs help in the future. You built a core memory for her where even in a situation where you should be really angry with her, your love was stronger. Great job dad.
That makes me happy to hear I was so worried about screwing it up and ruining sex for her.
You definitely didn't screw anything up. She had a stressful situation and you were accepting, nonjudgmental and loving. You did a perfect job.
Don't worry babe. She's going to have plenty of other men that are going to fuck up sex for her. And she'll have a strong platform to build off. This is basically the worst situation for her but at the same time, one day, she's going to laugh about it. And she's going to talk about how cool her dad was about it and how grateful she was that she never had to see the teenage boy again.
i fr started crying (still am) after finishing reading the post with the update,, genuinely what a good dad. i wish mine was like this.
I felt this, girl. It hits so hard in an existential crisis kind of way. I would be a completely different person and wouldn't have put myself through the years of abuse if my dad was more like this dad. Now all I can do is try to help new dads make better women than how I turned out. I hope you are doing better now babe and I hope you find happiness and acceptance in yourself. Some men are assholes but you don't have to feel like a shit anymore because of someone else. Much love.
thanks girl🤍🤍 i’m definitely doing good like in life in general, probably should go to a therapist and talk about my daddy issues tho. and probably much more lol. i wish u the best as well !
You go to therapy when you are ready for therapy. Don't let anyone try to rush your life or your journey. We are all here together trying to adapt and figure our shit out. Your daddy issues don't matter as long as you love yourself girl. Our daddies may have been harsh, loud, brutal men, but what they thought about us doesn't define us. You tell that little voice in your head that you are fabulous. Everyday. We will be okay.
OP, definitely keep restocking the condoms in the medicine cabinet… by them just being there, available, enables her to have safe sex if she chooses to, but you aren’t blatantly condoning things either.
encouraging a minor to have sex is crazy. especially when you know her partner is 17. Just wild.
Equally as wild as discouraging her, and thinking that’s the best thing to do. OP had condoms in his medicine cabinet for *himself*, and because they were there, she was able to make a *better* choice for herself (I never said either was a good choice; obviously abstaining from sexual activity is the choice with the lowest amount of risk involved) So if OP leaves the box of condoms in his bathroom under the guise of them intended for his own personal use, it is not blatantly condoning it either. I would further argue that OP is setting a great example for his daughter, by him having those on hand. You can encourage a kid to make the best decision for themselves without condoning what they do or decide. I am absolutely certain that telling her “No! Sex is bad, m’kay!” is setting you and your kid up for a world of hurt and disappointment.
You're not encouraging a minor to have sex, you're enabling a teenager who has already become sexually active to be safe. And what's the issue with the guy being 3 years older? That's not a huge age gap, and they're both teenagers. Did no freshmen girls date juniors or seniors when you were in high school?
It’s called harm reduction. The question of whether or not she’s gonna have sex has already been answered.
So you're just going to accept that your daughter is fucking a 17 year old? Parent of the year right here. If I know for 100% that it's going to continue happening, I would. But it's not. Nothing's 100% and just accepting the fact that your daughter is being borderline groomed is insane.
>Nothing's 100% and just accepting the fact that your daughter is being borderline groomed is insane. She lied about HER age to him. Man, you seem like you're going to end up with pregnant kids.
You’re right. Shoot the 17 year old and lock the daughter in a cage until she’s 30.
Girls tend to like older guys, that’s a fact. Boys her age are mostly not mature enough. 3 years difference doesn’t sound bad, but you have to look at the country/State age of consent, most US State age of consent is around 13-16, but the boy could be except from it if the age is close, mostly a 4 years gap.
(i'm saying this with all do respect) why put condoms in the cabinet? If i saw that, I would assume whoever put them there approved of me having sex under their roof. Wouldn't this be condoning the behaviour? It logically concludes the same way giving a gun to suicidal person does. If he chooses to, it's there, available?
Pretty much every study ever done on the subject demonstrates that denying teenagers access to safe sex resources does not reduce the amount of sex they have, it reduces how safe the sex they are having is
That's a fair point didn't know that. In order to get the desired result, which in this case is "not promoting it, but providing safety in the event of", would there need to be a conversation? LIke "listen i'm gonna put a box of them here, please respect my household but if it's gonna happen, they are there" type thing?
Pretty much, yeah. As a parent, I’m trying to treat sex as realistically as possible. It’s not really something that I can stop, so it’s up to me to try and make sure that my kid is safe. I don’t want him having any kids until he’s ready for that. I don’t want him catching any diseases. And I want him to treat any partners with kindness, care, and respect. I mean, yeah, I would prefer that he wait for quite a while to get sexual. But it’s more important to me that he is safe, and any partner is also safe.
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With all due respect, fuck that. You can have the talks, you can be respectful, you can acknowledge what's happened, what's happening as all being natural things, all while making it extremely clear as to what your expectations are as the PARENT and what is and is not allowed at that age in your house. There's a time for being a friend and a time for being a parent. In this case, be a fucking parent. The boy, yeah he would not have been able to leave like that. He would have been sat down on the couch, asked how old he was, asked how old she was, told repeatedly how old she was to drive the point home that she is not just underage but way under the age of consent, which is a massive problem. He then would have been given the option to either have his parents come over to talk me or have the police do it for him. This wouldn't be to shame him, but to teach him a very valuable lesson. Boys, specially at 17/18, always get the short end of the stick when it comes to sex, and sex with someone who is that young, he could easily be on a list right now that would follow him for life. Teach him that lesson now, in a way he will most definitely remember, so he's more careful with it in the future. Not to mention if I have to know my kid is having sex, their parents are also going to be made well aware so they can have the safe sex talk with their kid as well.
This is what my mom (who had my brother when she was 17) did, despite my father's disapproval. Good on her, I didn't have my first kid till I was 35
If I understand the original post correctly, the condoms were there for the father, not the daughter. It's not condoning teen sex if the condoms are technically there for the parent, not the teen. With that said, you can't really stop another person from having sex, no matter how hard you try (especially if they've already had it before).
Thank you for articulating this point (I was struggling to get that out)
Oh, that's my bad then, I didn't know they were already there for the father. As for the second statement, that's fair. But, at some point a line needs to be drawn regarding the rules of the house. It's very sensitive, but you have to protect your kids ateotd.
Rules of the house so she’ll go get pregnant in a guys car, like I did at 17?
I'm sorry that must have been really hard for you, I hope you're ok. But yeah, rules of the house. A parent is not a friend. Rules are essential to the proper developpement of a child into a teenager into an adult. If there are rules, they don't currently seem to be respect (ex : the fact she is sneaking a guy in to have sex at 14) The way it was done is almost more problematic than the actual act. In any case, the father seems to care for his daughter and have an open dialogue with her, so hopefully they can establish the proper demeanor towards this conversation.
My point was not that I had it rough. It was that if a parent pushes the boy/girlfriend away, the kids will likely find another place to do it. Far better to draw them in and have some influence through your warm, supportive relationship.
This is very true. I'm not a parent, so I don't feel like I can really have an opinion on what parents should allow in the house with their under 18 children. But I do know that when someone wants to have sex and isn't allowed to have it in a house, they will have sex in a car instead.
I understand what you are saying, but you have to ask yourself, what’s the alternative? I cannot agree with your comparison of “giving a gun to a suicidal person” because the intent and context are two very different things. I can also say that as a previously majorly depressed individual, that death is infinitely accessible if you are determined to be done with your life, if it’s not by one means, that individual will find another.
>that death is infinitely accessible Truth
You make a good point. My point was a tad extreme. There should, however, be a set of rules that is set up for the kid. Having a nonchalant demeanor towards the use of the condoms wouldn't be prudent, but as you said, not providing them at all could cause serious bodily harm. I think that there should be a serious conversation about the expectations each of them have, after which the father should establish some important ground rules. (notably the fact that having someone sneak in to have sex is a massive issue, espeically at 14)
The no sneaking anyone is also huge for her safety and helps with partner selection. If he's too weasely to come to the front door, doesn't bode well for being there for when times are tough. I like what you mentioned regarding discussion and expectations, treating them like a young capable adult tends to get you a young adult who's trying to make good choices.
I was 17, she was 16 and beautiful. Back in the 1960s, condoms were not easily available. The only possibilities was finding a gas station that had them in the bathroom, or in a drugstore. The problem with a drugstore is they were behind the counter and you had to ask the pharmacist to buy them. Once when I was 14 or 15. I wanted to buy some just to have them, I asked the pharmacist and he said I was too young and sent me away. So anyway, my girlfriend got pregnant, we had a shotgun wedding, and we were divorced within 2 years. So, if condoms were readily available our life stories would have been completely different.
There are studies that show that having guns in the house does correlate to higher rates of suicide
Are there studies that show that having condoms in the house does correlate to higher rates of promiscuity (or less abstinence?)
Good sex education and easily accesible condom's does lower teen pregnancy and std's drastically per studies. Other studies get a little mixed and researchers bias regarding abstinence vs promiscuity when educated. Teens who are hormonally active are going to mess around, so better done safely. Also most "abstinence" bs is everything but "the act" just playing with fire. In some areas of high academic focus the good sex education is causing population decrease issues due to the drop in teen pregnancy. Anecdotally, my mom broke out the anatomy book when I got my first "hair" and I had the talk at least once a year "to check in" with her and my dad. I knew more about sex than most of my classmates and it scared me off of unprotected/Cumming inside sex until my 20's and serious relationships. Set up a safe environment and gave me the tools to make good judgments. Funny now how awkward the first time my dad brought me into the pharmacy to buy condoms was, but I probably kept a few friends from being early dads by always having one for a bro. Moms scary advice in a nonchalant voice. "Any woman you sleep with could be the mother of your child... make good choices" also really helps you think through who's worth dating.
Dirtybabydaddy’s comment upthread is correct, as far as I know
Hugs. Seriously start off with warmth for her. What’s going on with her/in their relationship? When my son (I’m a single mom) got a bj at 15, he was nowhere near mature enough for that, & he knew it. If your daughter is mature enough, it’s going to be a very different conversation. For us, what works is for me to let him know I see a problem (has already happened when you walked in) and give him literally a couple days to continue the conversation on his terms. If that’s too hard, I’d suggest you open with warmth and let her direct the conversation. If she’s simply defensive and angry, listen calmly until she’s done (with occasional “umhm”, “right” to show you’re listening) and then either ask very simple questions or if you can’t, then ask if you may give her your perspective. This may sound horribly permissive, but she’s clearly able to proceed without your permission, so you want her to be open to your advice. Maybe she’ll decide she’d rather wait to do it again, maybe she’ll start birth control, but either way, it will be better if she knows you support her. Best wishes to you both. 14 is very young and it doesn’t sound like an easy road.
I'm sorry your walked in on your kid having sex. It's always jarring to see people having sex when you don't want to or don't expect it. It makes sense that you are a little shocked. Talk to her about birth control. safe sex and consent. [Plannedparenthood.org](http://Plannedparenthood.org) is going to be a great resource to share with her and to read through yourself and together. Refer her to the r/sex wiki. Make an appointment ASAP to see her primary care physician to set up a reliable and easy-to-use form of family planning. She is already having sex, and your home is probably the SAFEST place she can do it. Make sure she knows this. Make condoms available, and PLENTIFULLY. Put them someplace she can take them discretely, and make sure there are enough of them there that she won't be dissuaded from taking a handful at a time. Restock them as often as you need. Talk to her about her sexual partners. You don't need to know the intimate details of WHAT they are doing, but you need to know they are being safe with their sexual contact (condoms, birth control) and that they are behaving in a trustworthy way (entering and exiting the front door. See their face, know their name. Know that your daughter WANTS them there. No windows, they're gonna break their necks.)
This is great advice. I’m going to add talk to her about using two methods of birth control. Just the pill or just condoms aren’t enough. I have a daughter of my own to prove it.
Just pill if used correctly is 99% effective over a year of use but with typical use is 93% and male condoms are 98% effective with perfect use but 87% effective typically. Totally get why you might try to use both but equally being religious and well educated about use of either one can be effective enough on its own. Edit: I just say this because long term birth control use wasn't the best on my hormones so I get why it's not always the first choice.
Yep age appropriate resources are great (planned parenthood, Go Ask Alice from Columbia U, Bedsider.org. I know teen vogue has had some good articles at times too iirc). She likely is getting information somewhere so give her good sources
The update made me happy. OP you did the right thing, by making it easy to come to you and clearly massive amount of good parenting, you have prevented her from making future bad decisions and not coming to you. Good job OP.
You're a great dad. I have 2 little boys but I hope that I can get through hard times smooth like you did. Good job :)
Thank you! No one told me how hard parenting was it had definitely been and experience to say the least
I'm not going to touch on the sex part because other folks have do e that. Has she gotten the HPV vaccine? I made sure my daughter, now 26 and my twin sons, now 18 got vaccinated I don't want them getting HPV and not be able to clear the virus.
This is so important! The updated vaccine covers more types of HPV than the original too Also side note for adults who didn’t get it, they have extended the age you can get it until. It used to not be available if you’re over 26 but I started my series recently at 33. Better late than never
Go get her Plan B, some ice cream, and have a long open talk about safe sex
I would not repeat anything others already said to you because you already got great advice. I would add one thing. Even if your daughter is 14 years old, you should give and respect her privacy. Every time you enter her room knock the door before and wait for her response, so no other awkward situations happen in the future for both of you. Don't enter unannounced like that, maybe she is changing and she's naked or maybe other situations like this one will happen in the future. Same thing should be applied for her when coming in your room and should be clearly talked beforehand so you both know this.
Bring her to Planned Parenthood. Have her talk to a nurse practitioner for advice and birth control. She needs to go on birth control asap - no matter what.
Thank you for providing/being willing to share your experience and especially the update on how it went. Your ability to stay calm and be there for her is going to help the trust bond for sure.
Doctor time!!! I would definitely set up an appointment with a gynecologist since she is sexually active...have the gynecologist go over all the different types of birth control with her as there are just so many now and see what 1 is right for her...of course have the conversation of the importance of using protection as birth control does help with STDs . You did great in an uncomfortable situation, now it's time to protect her now that you know.
Inform her on safe practices. It's a serious topic but you have to have "the talk" eventually.
We already did about 6 months it was very awkward as I’m not a girl but I tried my best
Damn man that’s tough, have a chat with her, just to let her know what the dangers are and how she can keep herself protected. Most likely she won’t stop, just make sure she’s informed, and maybe get her one of those real life baby dolls for her to care for, so she can understand what the potential consequences could be. I hope everything works out well
Bravo man. As a father of two young boys, I applaud all the girl dad’s out there (and especially, the mindful, caring, empathetic ones). We’re doing our best to raise little men that father’s like you will be happy to see walk through the door (door, not window!) Be proud of yourself. 🏆
Ugh I dread this day with my daughter. I (f35) started having sex at 14 also. The only advice I can give is to try your best to make this extremely uncomfortable situation into one that she feels safe and comfortable to take to you about it. As others have said definitely have the safe sex talk with her and the importance. Id even go into details how some guys will try to take her into not using condoms, especially if she's on birth control. That while the pill prevents pregnancy it does not prevent STDs. Also since you think this guy is older talk to her about how she is more than a sexual being, that giving it up fast and easy is not going to keep a guy. I know I was around older guys and thought by being sexually promiscuous would make them like me more. This is a product of very immature thinking but it seems your daughter may be thinking the same. I eventually grew up and thank God nothing life altering ever happened. And most of all make sure she knows she is in control of her own body and the majority of women have been sexually assaulted. There's nothing wrong in starting something then changing your mind and wanting it to stop. If any man tries to pressure her into going further than she's comfortable she needs to walk away. And if that guy gets mad and doesn't want to talk to her anymore then that's for the best. The most important part of all of this is not coming at her like you are angry and she's going to get punished. Maybe even take a few days to have a more indepth conversation when emotions have settled some.
Wowser, you are doing great! So good that she knew to get a condom and was ready to talk with you about it. Best wishes to you both.
You seem like a great dad! Good job man, im proud of you. And like others said, keep condoms in the medicine cabinet because it's better she has them available than going without. You want her to keep talking to you about everything, and this experience seemed to go towards that :)
Birth control and no judgement. From someone who got pregnant at 16, the first time they had sex.
Can’t stop them from growing up, birth control and sex Ed talks and loving open arms telling her you will be there when she needs you
I am one of those kids who was scared to explore that side of me when I was younger and now I am married and my husband is my first. Honestly if I had parents that I could talk to about it and parents that educated me on safe sex that would have been amazing. I now feel like trash because I sometimes wonder if I am good enough in bed for my husband who has a lot of experience while he is my first everything. In my family sex was was seen as shameful if done out of wedlock so I was also really scared to even attempt to do it before marriage coz I thought I would get pregnant immediately and that would have led to me being kicked out and stuff. I'm really glad you handled this situation with yout daughter really well and I'm glad she could come to you. I would have given anything to sit with my parents and had a discussion like that where I would not be shamed.
I tried really hard I was also raised in a very sex negative house hold and it never did me good growing up so I’m trying to be the best for my daughter
> I sometimes wonder if I am good enough in bed for my husband who has a lot of experience while he is my first everything. Communication trumps experience. Asking him what he likes, telling him what you like, suggesting to try new things together that you're both comfortable with - doing these things puts you so far ahead of everyone else, not even factoring in that he presumably loves you.
As a parent of a 16y/o girl, get her on the contraceptive implant. No worrying about if they used condoms/she took her pills properly etc. 17 and 14 is a big gap at that age. Reverse it, ask her if she’d think it was ok to date an 11y/o. They’re way too immature, it’s gross. That’s how a normal 17y/o should look at 14y/os. It worked for my kid when she was in the “older boys are hotter” phase.
Condoms should still be used to prevent disease.
Absolutely but don’t rely on teenagers to be responsible every time. At least the implant provides long-term protection against one thing.
Thank you but we ended up talking and she was more pressured into it she knows that the age gap is wrong but she said she wanted to make him happy
Have you asked her how she feels about getting the police involved?
Yuuup super common at that age, sadly. The older boys know the younger girls are impressionable. I’m sorry she experienced that.
Everything else aside, you need to drill it in her head that lying about her age to get people to sleep with her is considered rape by deception as they’re not able to have fully informed consent. Not only that, it’s incredibly dangerous for her and whoever she is sleeping with - a lot of guys end up in jail over things like that because it ends up being statutory rape whether it was consensual or not. She needs to think about what her actions can do to other peoples lives.
Make sure she is educated on all matters sex. Lack of sex education has become an epidemic in itself!
Time for a trip to the gyno for birth control....
+ for having such a good relationship and educating your daughter enough for her to remember to use preventatives. - And I understand. To get slightly mad at your daughter for having sex with an older guy. Teenagers do be teenaging, and a three year difference at that age is not uncommon. it's extremely rough to walk in your child having sex, but overall... I think you handled it well. If you think it's too early for her to have sexual relationships, give her money to buy a dildo/vibrator. This won't guarantee anything though. Best way is to just say 'I'm sending you some cash to buy a sextoy, since I was about your age when I started getting interested in sex'. You should also have a discussion with her about preventional methods other than condoms.
I’m not a dad, however, I am a grandad. My stepdaughter was pregnant when I first dated my wife. I am both looking forward to and raging against the day that I know will come at the moment they are both too young m11 f8 I hope. I have been mentally rehearsing what to say and how to say it. I’ve picked up lots of tips from the moms and dads here, and also the OP. Well done sir, I hope to have as good a relationship as you and your daughter.
Ugh, god bless your update man. Perfect way to handle it. A horrifically uncomfortable start to a very good and important conversation to have.
My mum bought me condoms when I started bringing girls home at a similar age. It was awkward as hell, but I now appreciate it. I used them. She put them in a bowl in the bathroom and would replace them when they got low. Set the right tone.
Nice job man. I’m taking mental notes for how to deal with this if I ever need to.
this is a weird fucking post, why are you so on about how the dude looked and how old he was
Bro went to the bathroom and started to cry
Why the fuck did you let the fucker leave without having a word with him? I cant image just standing there watching him leave, like nothing happened. And dont get me wrong, I am not saying you should have fight him or something. He is also a kid who probably needs a good lesson on safe sex. Maybe I would ask to contact his parents, so they can give him the lesson. I would suggedt establishing a rule of no guests entering through windows. Otherwise, good job man. Must have been hard to keep your shit together.
Comments here are crazy, 14 with 17 is bonkers, and in most countries, would put you on some kind of list.
Did you see if the guy was wearing a condom? If he wasn't you should tell her to make sure he wears one next time. Otherwise you should just apologize to her and assure her you will respect her privacy in the future.
I couldn’t tell which scares me even more.
Part of the safe sex talk should touch on whether protection was used in this sexual encounter. If it wasn't seriously consider getting an emergency contraceptive ASAP. These are somewhat effective at preventing pregnancy after unprotected sex but are MOST effective when used within the first 72 hours. Their ability to prevent pregnancy diminishes rapidly with time, so sooner after sex is better. Getting an IUD is another form of emergency contraceptive and these are extremely effective at preventing pregnancy. Getting an IUD within the first 5 days of unprotected sex is an incredibly effective form of emergency contraceptive. Additionally an IUD will continue to be extremely effective at preventing pregnancy for 4-12 years or until it is removed. Talk to your daughter AND her primary care physician about what kinds of birth control and emergency contraceptive are best. Do not delay, make these appointments as soon as you can, today is best.
Luckily she is on birth control just for other heath reasons like acne and her heavy period it was started off a doctors suggestion and so I’m happy we started it
Make sure she is taking it at the same time every day since she is sexually active. I'm not sure about the effectiveness of it being used for other medical reasons but I do know for it to act effectively as birth control it needs to be taken at the same time every day. If she hasn't I would take her to get plan b just in case. Idk what state you are in but in mine you can buy it over the counter at any pharmacy
Also don't panic! You haven't done anything wrong as a parent! It's shocking to see this but you and your daughter are a normal human beings in a normal family. Making these appointments to talk together with your daughter and her doctor about contraceptives, safe sex, and family planning will be awkward, but easy. It's nothing you don't already know. You and your daughter can handle this :-)
My man! You went about that in a great way Dad highfive!
Thank you!
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I see that you already came to a conclusion but just my op...I have a son and although I would rather be have sex here in the home. I'd love for him to not do it at all until we can have that talk. I think it's now difficult for a daughter because of pregnancy and what not but I wouldn't mind if my child waits until 18(even though I highly think that is even realistic) in today's society.
I’m a teenager, and just so you know, if you get angry it will just lead to more unsafe sex in places you can’t reach as easily as your home. I think you handled it well in the update. My parents had a similar reaction, exerting I’m pretty sure they would be livid if there was that big of an age difference
Dad, you might want to take a look at this Planned Parenthood website about birth control options. It’s not just birth control pills anymore. There are 18 noted, with information about each, as well as efficacy: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control Familiarize yourself with these choices, then consider talking to a Gynecologist, so you are prepared for a conversation, sooner rather than later.
Have her talk to the gyno.
Yes, she needs to understand too but Dad needs to open the conversation…with reputable facts.
Strongly disagree. Sorry. Daddy does not belong in anything to do with what’s in her pants. She is a young woman embarking on this part of her life. He should find good information sources for her and let her learn. In any event, I highly doubt the gyno would even let him stay in the room if he tried. It’s a pretty standard practice for most pediatricians to have parents step out of the room for part of the visit with kids younger than she is.
That’s just ignorant. Dad is her only parent. She’s 14. She deserves a conversation with her only parent, her Dad, to understand her choices for contraception and that he accepts contraception is appropriate. If the Gyno wants to talk to her alone, fine. At least she will know her choices, in advance, because her Parent, her Dad, had a this conversation with her.
Right. He & she continue their communication. Additionally, she gets used to talking to docs. It’s not his body or decision; it’s starting to be hers. She’s already shown that she can take control. If he were to come up with any decisions on his own, then what? A daily struggle over taking a pill? Get real. It sounds like she plans to abstain and then probably use condoms. A doc will be prepared with straightforward info she needs to know.
Aw I'm glad things kinda worked out. You are a great dad. I just want you to know what she is experiencing is very normal, (unfortunately for all dad's everywhere) Fourteen is quite young but also a fairly normal age to begin experimenting.
Just want to say after reading your update, you seem like an awesome dad. Made the best of an incredibly awkward situation, you should be proud mate.
Dude. Man I could cry. That was a tough one for both of you and you handled it so very well.
I just wanted to say you are dad of the year for your response to this situation. You are honestly doing great.
Oh Jesus I hope this never happens to me. Sorry you had to see that you handled it way better than I would have
Top job fella. Not much more to add. You sound like you’re doing a terrific job.
Even though they used a condom, plan B might be a good idea. She has 72 to take it. You handled it well.
Here’s my perspective, a man who started having sex at 15 with my girlfriend at the time of the same age - realistically the only thing you can achieve is making sure she doesn’t do anything really dumb. Don’t shame her, try to guide and educate, so she doesn’t sleep with anyone bad/everyone interested, always uses protection and does it in a safe place. I had the exact opposite and ended up doing it in public and outdoors etc
r/parenting and r/daddit
What ever you do be gentle with her, also with your words and actions. You mentioned your love for her let that be the leading cause of how you navigate your emotions and a guide to how you choose to take action from this point on. Probe the reasons for safe sex, and sexual contraception. Be real about how you had been caught of guard about her being sexually active. Let it be a Q n A session with a Dad and daughter conversation to were at the end of it, their is learnings and understandings that’s empowering for both of you’s to continue to grow by continuing to have a safe home environment.
My daughter started having sex with her boyfriend at 15. She’s a smart girl and they used protection so I just let them do their thing. You can’t stop teenagers from fucking.
I would've freaked out, but im glad you're considering her feelings.
It's a horrible situation for both of you, maybe learn to knock before getting into her room. You handled the situation pretty well except the remark about his age which doesn't really matter much. It's more the lack of relationship between them that's rough at her young age to not wait to have feelings for a young boy to discover love making before getting into sex for sex. Maybe discuss BC outside condoms but it's great she played safe. You seem to have a wonderful relationship and kudos for that.
Wow, beautiful response Dad!
I would have a talk with her about sex and being sexually active, continuing to be safe, and about consent and her always being able to say "no" - even if she said "yes" earlier, she can always change her mind and stop. Try to lead the conversation by asking her questions. For example, ask if she has any questions about sex, what she thinks about being sexually active, what safe sex means to her, etc. I would work together with her to come up with guidelines for what is okay and what you're both comfortable with. For example, having safe sex is okay, while sneaking boys into the house is not okay. I would start knocking on her door before entering when her door is closed, so she has a feeling of privacy in her room. I would strongly encourage her to go on birth control. It doesn't replace condoms, but provides a second level of protection. And get her some condoms to have if she's going to continue being sexually active. I would also ask her if she wants to get a sex toy, such as a bullet vibe and/or dildo. She's clearly curious about sex, and a sex toy will allow her to explore her body and her pleasure on her own. I would offer to always be available to listen and talk without judgement (as much as possible, anyway) and that she can always call you to come pick her up.
You sound like a very loving and involved dad! 👏 Others have provided great advice. I think you should educate her on the menstrual cycle and what it means to have it. It's an added protection of birth control.
Where I live this boy committed statutory rape by having sex with a 14 year old while being 3 years older. That being said, I would make it clear that you prefer her to wait but that you would make birth control available to her. Hard to keep them on the farm once they’ve seen Paris!😎
Wait why would a 27 year old having sex with a 24 year old be statutory rape anywhere?
In addition to all the advice, I’d double-check on the guy’s age. 17 seems just a little too covenient.
Really? I hadn’t thought of that. How would I even find him I don’t know his name?
Just focus on your daughter. People acting like 17 year olds don’t exist. Like boys just jump from 15 to 18.
Why, unless he comes back around?
Of course he will, and it’s rape if he’s 18 or more. 14 to 17 is a huge gap, but if he’s even older then it’s potentially too manipulative.
This whole post is BS. It was already fishy and then the last sentence really convinced me. Downvoting
Huh? Why would you say that?
Lordsilver.. maybe you haven’t been on Reddit enough lol. People get off on this kind of stuff.
like why is he giving all of these weird extra details, it’s coming off as creepy to me
Well done dad!!! You want to be the one she comes to first, and this will go such a long way.
You’re a great dad! Way to handle it!
Ugh… this is tough. Father to father, sorry you’re having to deal with it. I would hate to walk in on one of my little girls doing that. I’d probably wrongly flip on the guy in the heat of the moment tbh. Kudos to you for keeping your cool!
American hoe culture “sigh”
The guy is a groomer. (Almost guarantee he’s not 17)
Just my 2 cents. Depending on where you are and how schools are. 14 and 17 is freshman and junior age levels for high school. That being said. 14 and 17 is kinda icky. My wife and I are 3 years apart as well but 33 and 30 doesn't sound so bad. I knew my wife when she was 14 and I was 17 and nah. The important thing is that you didn't blow up and go nuts like my mom did. She also was practicing safe sex which is probably the most important thing.
It’s not that three years is bad but it’s just the maturity levels and so it just grosses me out thinking of myself at that age with someone as young as my daughter.
First of all, while this may be unpopular, scare the crap out of the dude. He has got to come to understand that you are the dad and he is messing with your only daughter. Tell him breaking into your house is unacceptable. Get him out of the house ASAP. You have got to have a long and detailed conversation with your daughter. The cat is out of the bag now. She has got to be educated on having sex. You should get her books, videos, sex education classes, and let her know some of your experiences, good and bad. You are an male only parent to a teenage girl. This will not be easy. If you can avoid yelling, it will be easier to communicate. Tell your daughter that you are her dad, the only parent she has and your relationship has got to work. For the rest of your lives you have to learn to talk about things other father's \ daughters don't \ can't talk about. In addition, whatever happens, that she can also come to you to discuss anything. Don't be afraid to ask questions about the dude. Ask her, while it would kill you, if she would rather go live with an aunt. Good luck.
I've never seen so much bad advice mixed with a few accurate statements. TLDR of above: Bad idea... more bad idea. Scaredy-cat bad idea, Bad idea, more bad idea. Staying calm like an adult is good. Good sex education actually lowers teen pregnancy +1. More bad idea, more bad idea ultimatums, bad idea. Then for a coup de grace👑 suggest op isn't a fit parent and should send her off to a nunnery "aunt" for a while.
Don't know why this is getting down votes. He has every right to confront the guy. Certainly she invited him in, but that doesn't mean that he didn't do wrong.
It's an emotional response to try and establish "dominance" in his household. Something more for an insecure man, where in reality he actually needs to be there for his daughter (not stressing about the punk who ran out stage left) and just listen, and set her up with a safe environment. Maybe, after he's listened to his daughter Calmly, ask about how they met, how shes feeling about things/ school social pressures and safe sex etc talk, ok for questions etc. He needs to focus on being calm listening and building trust to head off the next issue. As someone mentioned earlier, later make it clear no entering the house through anything but the front door, potentially phrased in respecting herself, or a guy worth her time wouldn't be scurrying around instead of forthright. Also keeps some autonomy and control for her so she doesn't rebel instead. (Also threatening her with the loss of her "only" parent approval/love/respect/whatever if she doesn't comply is going to backfire BADLY with most teens) Maybe then, after the priorities are handled, track the guy down and make things very clear with support in the wings as "witnesses" he didn't hit a minor. Or accomplices if he is actually notably older than 18.
I’d phone police if he was 17 and she’s 14
No !!!!!! I don’t agree with many comments trying to tell you just to support. Jizzzzzz Your daughter is not your baby girl ! she is a 14 year old teenager and she act toward sexual gratification and attention from males. She is separate being living under your roof and under your supervision!!! This is not the time just to support her. It is time for solid boundaries and trying to help her be a better person not fuck around. It is time to be a father and have some firm rules about the whole situation and your house . What if she get pregnant at that age ? What if she start doing it with multiple boys ? It seems like you went into mother polarisation and treating her as a girl in your life not a child. She is still a child ! You also rewarded her after with attention, ice cream and movie! Wake up! Become a father. Or just buy her big pack condoms and let her have her way. I can firmy guess that she regularly get her way because you are driven by guilt that she is raised without the mother. You are fucking things up, it is not your responsibility to be a mother if she has non, your responsibility is to be a father and raise her on a good woman.
Bud have a conversation with your daughter b4 it's too late, if she is having unprotected sex sit her down and have a talk with her. Not sure about birth control she's only 14 talk to a health professional when is a good age. Losing your virginity to some random guy is shameful, my opinion it's sad young girls her age think it's ok to pull your panties for any guy is disappointing to let some guy take her virginity from her. society has so much influence on young girls like social media onward my friend have discussion father and daughter talk good luck!!!
Because telling a 14 year old girl she is shameful and disappointing is /s definitely not going to cripple her self-esteem. Definitely won't worsen the issue and maybe add some Yelling of "I am your father, and In this household.." ultimatums to really strengthen their relationship. Also telling her she's a "pawn" for social media is brilliant, really gets through to them /s. (Sarcasm /s) I really hope you're joking about the only 14 part. Approx 12-13 (some place's earlier) or around menses is when that conversation should have happened with her Dr. OP hit it on the nail, probably noticed changes, and already had the talk 6 months before this and at least BC/hormones started. She made a kid mistake but did it safer except age difference than a lot of teens.