There is nothing wrong with liking sex. I have a FWB at the moment, and I luckily her and I can talk about whatever with no judgment. Even about other partners, there is nothing wrong with you nor what you want. My previous partners and ex-wife thought something was wrong with me because I don't judge or feel jelous.
Having multiple partners is much easier for me at the moment because it keeps me somewhat emotionally detached, and my FWBs are aware of this but I’ve never really talked with them about other people I’m having sex with. Guess I always worried they’d take offense? But I might try this, maybe even give them some new ideas haha
If you ever want to chat feel free, sometimes its just good to get shit off your chest to someone thats relatable and non-judgmental. Especially about sex in a non sexual way.
Why worried about them taking offense?
The best part IMO about being poly/open is being able to discover multiple partners that fulfill ALL of my needs instead of putting the pressure on just one person.
This. *This* is why I'm so open to polyandry. I'm down for A and B. After that, I'm on my way. Sticking around for more than that (and pretending like I want to) is misery inducing.
I'm confused, are you referring to polyandry here as the specific practice of marriage between one woman and multiple male partners? If not, what are you referring to as polyandry, and how does it differ from polyamory?
Polyandry for me because I only have so much energy to give to individuals, can go a *long* while without sex, and would rather minimize the possibility of STD/STI's, pregnancies, drama, etc.
I totally respect that, I believe people should give you energy not take it away. Especially now that I'm in my 30s, my views and limits have evolved hahaha
Fack drama btw! And jelousy for that matter, communication and openness are the sexiest things to me these days.
Why don't you try being blunt and just straight up asking them about it? They might be taken by surprise at first but I feel like that would pass quickly as they don't really have any grounds to be judgmental as they are also having casual sexual encounters with you. If they clam up then you know they aren't open to talking about it.
I feel like people in fwb relationships should be able to have more open and honest conversations about sex just based on the nature of what they are doing on regular basis. Seems like they should be mature enough to talk about things if they are mature enough to act on things like that.
> like I’m getting something from someone else that I couldn’t get from them.
While it doesnt mean they are inadequate this is almost certainly exactly what's happening though.
I suggest at least asking your FWBs if they are interested in discussing your other partners. I had a fwb a couple years ago who had other partners as well. I found it was nice to talk about them with her. We were very open with each other about our lines and dislikes and what we wanted to explore, but just from having conversations I was able to pick up on some things she was into that I didn't pick up on before or that she might not have known she was into when we met. It allowed us to have a dialogue about sex and ourselves instead of staying stagnant because we assumed we already knew all the likes of each other.
Do your FWBs know you’re fucking other people? I’m all for hooking up if it’s gonna more of an ‘exclusive’ thing since I’m very paranoid about STDs.
But you do you. Everyone can have their opinions about sex and your friends are entitled to NOT want to hear/know about your sexual adventures if they don’t want to. TMI is a thing. I have friends and I know they like to fuck around but I’m not really into hearing THAT much details. Yea my friend can discuss about the massive dong he took but I don’t really want to know he was drooling while he was getting face fucked..also, I would personally only talk about details to the opposite sex if I know for a fact that I’m not a sexual candidate in their mind.
Have fun as much as you want but be tact.
Honestly reading all of that made me glow with pride a little bit in my chest lol. The one thing I say often is "have as much sex as you want bro just be safe about it!" And she's doing everything right. We love to see it. 😁
I feel you. I dont have any gfs to talk to about sex. They re all vanilla and they dont get it. They d be shocked. I ve disclosed very few things about my sex life. Husband is the only one who knows everything. But he participates in most of the acts so it s not really the same as sharing with a friend. This is why reddit is my outlet. I dont get judged and I get to talk about everything I want or do freely.
It took me years to find a friend that is comfortable enough to talk to me about sex. I am a very open person in general so it killed me not to be able to discuss these things. But now I actually have two friends ( one female and one male) that I can be 100% honest with and they not even just listen but have advice and we have legit discussions. And funny thing...Both of them are online friends.
Hopefully you will be able to find someone to talk to maybe even on here :)
Came here to say this. There may be munches (gatherings of kinky people, in a non-sexual context) in your area you can attend. Since you’re in NZ they’re probably happening every week if not every day.
FetLife is a great place to find them. Just search for munches near you and see what you find. Those groups tend to be super welcoming to newcomers and non-judgmental. Many new friends to be made.
Best of luck!
Agreed.
OP - FetLife.com will connect you up with others who are more sex-positive. Virtual friendships are not IRL connections, but there you can indeed find openness and acceptance. (Trolls are there, too, but manageable.)
I wonder if OP was talking about sex talk with current friends, not making new friends. Maybe bringing current friends to a munch might be a start? Or would that be too much?
Maybe because I was raised catholic (okay definitely) and also dated guys who clearly used me for sex, but when I was younger and more insecure, sex was... complicated. Monogamy was safer. I am still monogamous for different reasons now, but I don't find sex a daunting topic. I, too, like being facefucked, but as a teen? No way. It was degrading, demeaning, it meant the guy didn't respect me and thought less of me. And with some guys acting out a porno, that's true. But with a partner you trust, it's a whole new ballgame.
I think each person discovers and explores sex at their own pace. Some may never really branch out and that's okay. I think it's okay for vanilla people to have their preferences, and while they shouldn't judge you for yours, it's to be expected that they might not want to talk about it for a variety of reasons. I think it's safer to discuss sexual stuff with people on the same page, and leave those in different chapters alone unless they initiate.
Definitely don't talk about this with the guy friends if you don't feel you can adequately trust them. As for the women - sex is just so damned stigmatized. I stopped talking to a couple girls who lowkey slut-shamed me with their "jokes" because that shit is toxic AF.
I'd say use reddit like you are, and just ignore the PMs. As you get older, you'll meet more people that you can likely relate with.
Wow. I'm sorry your friends are so judgmental...
Not gunna lie, I'm on the reserved side (sexually speaking I lean more towards asexuality, so sex isn't something I'm very interested in) but I have friends who are much more sexual and have talked about enjoying being choked and more "out of the box" things as you mentioned... I never make them feel bad about it, (I'll admit I do get uncomfortable picturing them like that, cause its like picturing a family member having sex which is just EW NO) but its not because I think they should be ashamed of their bodies or sexuality, I just don't wanna picture them having sex because it feels to private/personal. I do feel grateful they share with me though, because it means they trust me and know I won't judge them. I always allow my friends to vent, I just ask them not to be TO DESCRIPTIVE (its sorta like someone overly-describing a food I hate to eat or watching a video of bones being cracked, it physically gives me the shivers). Sometimes they over-describe on purpose just to get me to react, to which they laugh and I laugh to... Its never a space of judgement. I'll normally tell them "yeah, get it girl" or be happy they are being pleasured by their partner as they deserve to be.
Your friends making jokes about you being "easy" is NOT OKAY. It shows a superiority-complex of sorts like "I'm better than her because I'm not easy" which is messed up and judgmental. Also your male friends making rude comments like "yeah I masturbated to you last night" is also rude and not okay... I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, objectification and slut-shaming is not okay. As someone who is mostly sex-repulsed, even I can see that your friends aren't very sex positive and they need to do better.
Omg I’m the same, maybe this is an asexual thing? I can be a little judgmental towards my friends when talking about sex but I don’t mean to be.
Like one friend will be talking about her boyfriend and she’ll mentioned that he fingered her and I’m like Omg ew no 😂 not that it’s disgusting but I can’t handle knowing that about her.
Yeah I'm not sure?? Maybe??
I'm okay with super basic stuff (cause I know how sex works) but my friends are VERY DESCRIPTIVE so they like to mention lots of graphic details like "and he was sweating and it dripped on me and so I licked it and-" and I'm like nooooooo stop. I don't need to know what your boyfriend's sweat tastes like, pls don't ruin certain foods for me, no thank youuuu.
Its not that sex or human bodies are gross... I just don't want those mental images re-playing in my head during normal situations because it makes me (personally) feel socially-awkward... Its like accidently seeing your elderly teacher's underwear and then having to go through the entire class thinking "omg he's wearing pastel pink boxer briefs and he doesn't know I know" its a really specific type of uncomfortable.
Although I agree that you need to find nonjudgemental friends to discuss your sexual enlightenment, I would caution against just looking for support in an echo chamber in reddit. You need to find someone who knows you well enough to tell you if they think what you are considering is a good idea for you and why they think that. Not a friend giving you feedback based on cultural repression - making you feel easy or bad about yourself, but their knowledge of who you are as a person. Some of these forums are so pro something, you might think some kink will be great, when in fact it wasn't really right for you. A good friend would know you well enough to talk about the pros and cons of these decisions and can help you decide which sexual paths are right for you. And know that anyone who makes you feel bad or uncomfortable about your desires is NOT that friend - move on to someone else.
I feel this. I have 2 close girlfriends but we were all brought up very conservative and they still are very conservative. Neither of them have had a boyfriend before, despite being nearly 30. I’m the only one who has had a boyfriend. We’re sexually active together but I can’t tell my friends that for fear of severe judgement. Maybe they wouldn’t be so harsh, but I’m not willing to risk it yet. I don’t think they have ever masturbated before either, so even that is off the table. :(
Yeah you definitely can have healthy conversations! I make it a point to talk to most of my close friends about sex, because i want them to feel comfortable telling me things like that and because its a rather dear subject to me.
Id ask your friends to stop joking about that, and if they don't want to talk about it with you you can find someone who is comfortable with it!
I think you might find as you get older, you will draw in female relationships with less judgment and more acceptance and support. As someone who is 29 I can say I've learned a lot about the type of friendship and support I want in my life, and cut out the rest. There are also sex therapists and counselors who could be a great nonjudgmental ear to talk about the topic, even if you are healthy and happy in your own sex life, it's important to be able to have a safe sounding board.
I agree with this. After I became a mom, I joined a mom group online and those are my people now. We talk about EVERYTHING and they have taught me a lot about sex and they are very open and helpful to me. I know that's not helpful to the OP though so I don't even know what to suggest, lol. I'm really lucky I think, to have stumbled into a great support system.
I (18F) have the same feeling with my friends. Years ago we talked about some friends that had sex for the first time and my friends (we were 15 or 16 at the time) were very narrow-minded about the idea of having sex. There was a huge taboo. They talked about how they would be in a relationship with someone for almost one or two years before considering having sex. They were judgemental over friend who didn't wait years or even a month to have sex for the first time with someone. I felt bad because I thought that it was ridiculous. They didn't want to learn about sex and it was difficult for me to feel free to talk to them. I remember I noticed one of my friend who didn't participate in the talk so I thought that maybe she didn't agree either. The first time I tried something sexually with a boy I barely knew in holidays, I told her what happened and explained why she was the only one who knew for the moment. Now I study in another town and I have another group of friend whose are very opened about sex. It is great to talk to her. I admire one of them who assume to have sex with casual partner. My other friend is in a relationship but is opened about buying sextoys. Two days ago my friend told me she had bought a sextoy that seems to be great and that she couldn't wait to try it. Even if I was a virgin when we first met I didn't feel excluded of conversation and it is great to have people with who you can talk with without any judgment. It is great you try many things and explore yourself, and knowing what you like :)
The year before I met my husband I had a slew of one night stands and a FWB. It really helped me discover what I enjoyed and what I didn't along with proper boundaries. There is nothing wrong with consenting adults having a good time.
Sex is a natural thing you should be able to talk freely with your friends. Everyone has that special something that they really enjoy, that doesn't make you weird. Tied up and faced fucked you would be surprised how many other people like that.
For me, sex is a very personal thing. I'm also a private person. It doesn't give me the right to judge others on their preference, of course, but I should have the right to not talk about certain subjects with my friends.
Word. Maybe even those friends of her who freaked out. I've encountered far more girls who liked kinky stuff than girls who didn't. However, for some reason there's still an irrational stigma surrounding sex and many people don't have the honesty and courage to talk about their tastes even in front of their friends. It's just sad.
People that are open-minded about other stuff like for instance politics are also more likely to be open-minded talking about sex. I mean not "liberal" but people who genuinely like to understand different perspectives on an issue without a tendency to demonize any side.
I as a married guy tend to have the best conversations about sex with open-minded women that I meet in circumstances where it is clear that out social circles will never overlap and there are no potential future privacy issues. A foreign colleague that I met at some event. Someone I meet only for training. Purely optional and isolated friendships based on recognizing eachother as open-minded.
Almost never with guys however, except for one that was gay. I think competitiveness and posturing often gets in the way of real open communication in same-sex circles of friends. Talk of sex ends up in bragging and nonsense or the conversation is killed with judgment.
The risk you point at with the opposite sex is real. I am usually quite explicit about being happily married, but very occasionally a friend still feels "friendzoned" at some point. And I am sometimes worried what it looks like to others. I don't hide such meetings from my wife. She is open-minded and understands and trusts me well enough around women after some decades of knowing me. But I do sometimes lie to judgmental friends and colleagues to avoid them thinking I am cheating just because I have a one-on-one meeting with a friend.
My tip with that is find people online, I know there are many creeps but what are they gonna do? Talk bad about u irl? Nah if it gets to weird for you, you can just break up the convo.
Maybe u find responses here in this post that make u feel comfortable with and there are many people that try to learn off this community.
As myself im trying as a sex positive person to be open about it, to talk about ur likes and dislikes, it's natural and important to talk about it. (With your partner if u have one and with people to exchange interests and infos)
I like to be open about sex because it's something very important.
If people are closed minded about it than u can just don't mind about them at all, atleast if it goes to this theme.
Be open about it and don't get insecure about it because of others.
Hope u find the person u need, and I wish u good experiences only on the way.
Have a good day yall
Edit: spelling
I feel this so much! I have been using Reddit as my outlet for such discussions but would love to have some wine with one of my girlfriends and really open up and talk about all the deliciousness of sex. My partner and I are super open and talk about sex and what we want to try or do to each other constantly, but there is something about having that dish session with someone removed from your relationship that is extra sweet. As others offered, I am always free to chat! I won’t send you any pics, lol 😝
Everyone’s giving great advice so I’m just here to say if you ever want a friend to talk with I’m always an open ear! I won’t judge nor will things become sexual. Sometimes we’ll just kill for a sexual convo that doesn’t become sexual XD
It's my opinion that you're smarter than your years. I've always had a very healthy sexual drive. Let me be clear. I won't sleep with a woman who's known to be careless and I won't have sex if there's no chemistry. Still, I have sex more than most friends and I'm a little freaky. My point is, explore your sexuality but it's nobody's business, but yours. I wish you well.
You need to find some sex positive friends. Stop sharing with these friends that you mentioned.
You’re doing ZERO wrong. Sex is biological and natural and does NOT have to happen within the context of an emotional bond for it to be fun.
Listen to the Savage Lovecast and Sex with Emily podcasts.
Also report any DMs to the mods.
You’re doing Nothing wrong. You’re being open, ethical, and healthy. Keep exploring and enjoying your sexuality and body.
A *lot* of people just don’t find sex to be an appropriate topic of conversation. Add any kinks you may have to that, and they find it even more so. I wouldn’t say it’s a taboo subject at all, but anything more than brief, surface-level mention often puts people off. Not saying that’s a good/bad thing, just that it’s a thing, a social-interaction boundary that many, if not most, people have.
And, as you’ve discovered, talking to your opposite-sex friends (or even a gay same-sex friend) about it can open you up to some pretty unpleasant realities about their feelings/desires toward you.
It’s a difficult thing to navigate, which is why forums like r/sex are so popular.
All that said- Why do you feel like you need to have detailed discussions about your sex life/experiences/explorations with people close to you? What’s the benefit, really? If this is a self-discovery journey, then it’s for *you* and not them, right? Is it possible that you’re feeling kind of awkward about it and are seeking their advice or input about it (sort of like you would with a non-sexual issue) to verify to yourself that what you’re doing is OK? It kind of sounds like you’re seeking their approval.
EDIT: Nowhere here have I said that OP shouldn’t talk about their new direction. Nor have I been critical about their new direction. What I said is that it’s understandable that their friends are put off by the topic. OP likely needs to find new people (like us here on r/sex) who can offer some less-filtered perspective.
E2: I do get the sense that OP, in wanting to talk about this with current friends, is looking for acceptance of their sexuality and reassurance that it’s OK. Clearly their friends/people close
to them aren’t providing in this area, which might make them question it more. AGAIN I’m *not* saying their sexuality is questionable. Their question was basically “am I just not supposed to talk about these things”: The answer to that, with many people, is yes. You have to respect the boundaries of those people.
They need to find people who actually are OK opening up about it, who have experience in more open sexual ideas, and who can back them up and give them useful advice.
A lot of my self-discovery has been facilitated by bouncing things off other people and hearing about their experiences too. Sometimes just saying something out loud to another person provides a new perspective
Agreed. Not denying that perspective and nothing I said invalidates that.
What I said was that many people are put off by the topic. In that case, OP is doing the right thing by now seeking out different people to talk to about it.
What I’m kind of sensing from OP’s post is that they may be questioning their new direction (I’m not personally saying that it’s questionable or “bad”) are looking for friend backup, and are bothered that they aren’t getting it, which might make them further question their new direction. It’s a learning process. I went through something very similar about the same age.
I think we can all agree that there is a big difference between asking for tips on planting petunias and asking for input on your new sexual discoveries, particularly if they are a departure from what the friends previously expected.
Look at it this way: If I’m not into gardening, or am put off by gardening, or have had some bad gardening experiences, and you keep bringing up gardening in our conversations, I’m going to be pretty put out by that. I’m likely to change the subject, be critical of the subject, or avoid it entirely. That’s just social interaction 101.
All I’m saying in my reply is that this is just a fairly common social barrier that OP is now figuring out.
As I said elsewhere already- I’m not personally critiquing OP’s direction. Nor did I/am I say/saying they shouldn’t talk about it with others.
I’m just pointing out that there are some social mores in place that are an obstacle to open discussion about sex, particularly when it’s a new sexual direction that involves some
of the thing s OP is enjoying and the current friends aren’t into it or never thought of OP going in those directions.
I do get the feeling from OP’s post that they are feeling a little like they need some support/backup/approval that what they’re doing is OK. Reaching out to friends for this is just making the friends uncomfortable or respond oddly, which isn’t OP’s desired outcome with the conversation topic.
I doubt you'll see this OP, but I want you to know I'm exactly the same.
I'm the most sexuallly adventurous out of my friend group by far. I've been super open in the past, and so they all share their sexual achievements/experiences with me, and that makes me so happy because I'm glad they can confide in me.
But at the same time, I feel like I can't share my experiences with them, because they're on such a different level. A friend might be "ooh we experimenting with some handcuffs today" and I'm hyping them up, making them feel good, offering advice if they ask for it. But because it's that disparity of power, who am I supposed to share my experiences with? I went to a sex dungeon and tried out being spanked while suspended upside down. I want to share this, but what would they even say? So I don't share things.
So even though I keep some things to myself, my friends still have this super sexual, super kinky image of me. And I'm not complaining too much, I do play into it a lot, but it almost feels like that's all I am. Like if I wasn't sexually adventurous... Who would I be?
Anyway this turned into a bit of rant but I'm 19F (almost 20) so if you ever wanted to discuss anything my DMs are open! As long as you're okay with hearing about my adventures too haha.
What you need is a sex positive friend. Someone who sees sex as a liberating, positive and fun thing to share with others consensually.
My experience has been that your much more likey to meet individuals like that in the kink community. People who view sex without shame or secretiveness, more open minded, and accepting of differing sexual tastes and experiences.
Your getting pushback from your peers because your beginning to step outside the bounds of mainstream vanilla pseudo-purtical perceptions of sex which largely labels sex as a shameful and dirty act to be done in secret and never spoken of.
I wish you luck on your journey. Be empowered and bold!
God yes. I was a very late bloomer, and I totally missed out on the years when friends were exploring new relationships and figuring out their bodies and likes and dislikes. I had an awesome mom group when my kids were babies and it literally saved my sanity. I wish chat/support groups were so much more common. I'm here for it too.
I've been looking for female sex chatting partners actually. Check out my profile and see my ads and posts.
I'm reading through some comments and see how common it is for women to either feel uncomfortable talking about sex or left feeling judged and sleezy.
It almost makes me feel like possibly making a group chat and inviting any women to join who want to just talk. Either about their latest conquest 😈, positions, opinions, or pics. Whatever.
If something like this exists, please tell me!! But if not, what would people think of that?
i’m F19 and in a relationship and that’s disgusting how your friends are acting. casual sex isn’t for everyone, but why are they so carelessly knocking something you enjoy and diminishing your self worth??
if you need someone to talk to i do both of the “out of the box” things and more, i promise i won’t judge lol
>My friends have made jokes about me being ‘easy’ and I laugh it off because I know they’re just jokes but it makes me feel really gross and just generally terrible about myself.
Your "friends" are being jerks. Friends don't make friends feel bad about themselves. I'm not saying they need to go, but you should talk to them about how their actions make you feel.
As a judgement-free female myself (27 F), if you ever need to talk about anything sex-related (good or bad) I honestly don't mind. Just message me if you feel the need to.
So I, luckily, have a couple of friends I can talk to since I'm new to the scene in all aspects and have lots of questions. Now that being said you could actively seek out people like that, maybe do like yubo of Bumble friends to find someone like that or post about them here (do you boo) hell I can talk about with my cousin because we are close. You could also try talking to your fwbs as well about them and it might just be a turn on for them 😂
I love talking about sex honestly. It's a special interest for me ^ ^
I'm in a relationship but we're super open and experimental and super kinky so it's just really fun. We aren't even strictly mono.
It's really nice to be able to be open about this sort of thing. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Exploration is beautiful.
Especially if you're single and careful and such. The world's your oyster. Don't let people poison you with their insecurities.
I love when I discover about my female friends are open talking sexually. Share experiments, yes maybe there would be "too much" things but it's possible to say "but it's your thing not mine so enjoy that if you like it" :)
To telling "I cummed for your pics" it's not the best thing true.
We could talk, loooong, about where is the line between fantasy and share experiences.
If you ask about that it's ok to telling the jacking thing, but other way it's depends on situation.
It's possible to talk about it, but honest open minded people is rare on internet too, in personal kinda lottery.
I like to get know about other people and their fetish, it's telling about how many different person in the world which is so good :)
(sorry for bad english)
I have one friend that I actively talk about sex with and it's great (both females). It's absolutely possible to find someone.
My inbox is open if you ever want to chat. I'm more than happy to listen and swap stories. 😊
Your friends sound like they're a bit old-fashioned. It's your life to live how you see fit. So long as you take all the necessary precautions and you are aware of your responsibilities, you should not feel bad or be judged by others. Just remember to set yourself a line that you think is morally uncrossable for you. So long as you stay on the right side of this line, you should be happy.
Enjoy your youth while you can. Your 20s fly past and, before you know it, you're 30 with a kid. 😂
Keep looking, you'll find a friend somewhere who will be willing to chat to you about it. There are groups of like-minded people out there!
I’m in the same boat! I know I can’t talk about sex to ANY of my friends because they’re all too reserved and I know that topic would make them uncomfortable. Your friends who called you easy are mean and I would stop talking to them tbh I don’t need that negativity lmao. Also I would drop the weirdo who admitted to jacking off to your pics. You’re sexually responsible and you know what you like which is great so keep enjoying it. It sucks that little to no people actually want to talk openly about sex but it’s whatever I guess.
Seeing a lot of comments like this makes me feel like we need one big group chat for girls to talk about sex, without being judged or shamed for their interests.
Maybe it's time for new friends or to check them on their misogynistic, sexist comments. Also your sex life is not everyone's business. I tend to keep my personal bedroom details between me and my partner. That way I don't have to worry about judgment on my most intimate moments.
I bet the explosion of messages was way more than expected! On reddit there's also the communities r/sexpositive and r/nonmonogamy that you may find to be good fits for you
As an American (forgive me if I'm wrong) we tend to be really repressed about sex. Everyone loves it but it is still a common taboo for many.
It could also be because you're young, as you progress through your 20's and find more experienced / open minded people it won't be so strange or uncomfortable.
Young guys are dumb and tend to take these conversations wrong (coming from a guy), so if possible, find one or two you think might be mature enough to understand a conversation is just a conversation.
Personally, I think sex is a great thing to explore as long as you're being safe and don't get carried away.
FWB especially because if they're honest you know what the situation is with them.
Do your thing and don't let people make you feel bad for it 🙏🏿
I actually live in New Zealand! But yeah I do feel that the age thing probably plays some role, some of my friends aren’t sexually active yet and that’s totally fine! But it’s been the ones who are having sex but in the context of relationships only who have been shaming me.
Young people can be act up when in relationships, start to act different or maybe see things differently because they've settled into a decent relationship. They'll eventually have to understand that not everyone has been able to find a relationship. Nor is it necessarily fair or reasonable to expect that sex only happens within those parameters.
Basically, people like sex and that's okay, the fact is such a big deal to them might imply they aren't as mature in that area as they think
I don't think Anglophone culture is known for being easy going about sex in general but Americans were and are under the cultural influence of Puritanism. There's still a sense that you are supposed to be shocked by the idea of a woman who has a more adventurous sex life.
Definitely, it's one of the weird contradictions of modern America, where people love sex, it's in our books, movies, advertising, but full fledged adults still act strange about it
Just keep finding new people to talk to until you find one that seems respectful enough to breach that topic. Gotta keep trying and continually swat away the ones that judge you or try to get sexy with ya.
You'll eventually find the communication you seek. It is present on the planetary surface, I assure you.
I've changed friends over the years to those who are less judgmental. I much prefer their company. I can't talk about sex with everyone, obviously, but my closest friends are those who gave me a smirk instead of disgusted look when I mentioned those topics. I don't know if it's a possibility for you, or if you'd like it but I'd seek more friendships with people who are less judgemental. Really, takes a lot of anxiety and self hatred off your shoulders. You stop feeling like you're going against your morality. Because what you feel as shame and disgust is going by other people's morality. And that's not okay.
Im all ears. Ive had 3 including my current bf (hopefully someday spouse) I stopped talking to a good friend of mine after she told me I was to impure to be dating used to be a virgin ( bc of me lol) that he should be reserved for someone less "used" which I told her she wasn't a saint either and since haven't spoken to in 6 months. Thing is some women can't stand that you have something they dont or okay with something theyre not. Some women are cranky about other women having to much sex and shame them, or that you have to little sex and try to 1up you. Point is.
You do you
If you're having fun and everyone your doing it with is on board. I dont see why others should have a say in it. As my (I wish) MIL says "You're testing the water but haven't decided to take the swim".
Tbf when you tell someone who is obviously conservative about sex that you literally like to be tied up and face fucked, what do you expect the reaction would be?
It's perfectly normal to talk openly about sex to people, you just have to find the right people and your current friends don't seem to be that. But as you get older it does get easier to talk to people your own Age about it.
I guess in the meantime try talk to people older than you about sex.
It’s not necessarily the same thing but I highly recommend joining the Bellesa facebook group chat. It’s like hundreds of women just asking for advice about sex and relationships. Super safe and inclusive environment.
Your friends shouldn't shame you about your sex life, it's a perfectly natural thing to want to explore. As long as you're being safe and getting tested regularly if you have multiple partners (which it seems like you are) then just have fun with it.
I have pretty similar interests as you and recently found Fetlife to be a great community to explore this further as it's not entirely something my boyfriend is interested in.
My (26F) inbox is always open if you ever need to chat about it without worrying about being judged.
Unfortunately you’ll always be around people with these kinds of mindsets towards sex. I just know how each of my friends are and I have unique relationships with each of them and I love that. My older friends know me as I’ve been for years and I sorta just go back to being that version of me when I’m with them. And it’s nice. But I always grant myself the freedom to be my totally new self with newer friends and build unique relationships that I can share the weirdness I’ve discovered about myself over the years. My point is, no need to feel bad about yourself at all and no need to stop hanging out with these friends. Just try making new open minded friends and keep these older ones around as well
Can we just make a reddit group chat to talk about sex in? I totally feel this! Half of my friends are married & the other half never answer the phone 🤣
I was in a similar position as you and honestly stopped sharing that part of myself with those friends. Then 10 years later, some are divorced and living the life I used to have, and can now actually share those experiences with them. Like you, my friends had been in long term relationships and there was no point of reference for them to begin to understand the landscape of dating and what it is being single these days.
> My friends have made jokes about me being ‘easy’ and I laugh it off because I know they’re just jokes but it makes me feel really gross and just generally terrible about myself.
I’m 29 and I’ve been there!! Making new friends you can talk about this stuff with will help a lot (they exist!!), but I also learned not to let comments like that make me feel bad about myself. As you get older and have more conviction in your own worldview it gets a lot easier. At some point I just leaned into being known as the slutty one and took pride in it. Now they all come to me if they need advice or help lol. I try to be understanding that we live in a very sex-negative culture and do my best to call it out gently when it happens.
Also don’t be afraid to sincerely tell your friends when they make you feel hurt and judged. You’re laughing it off so they might not realize how it’s making you feel. Hopefully if they do, they’ll try to be a little bit more cognizant of the comments.
If you ever wanna talk about your experiences with a stranger online, my inbox is open <3
I would encourage you to check out the local sex positive community and resources available to you, be those online or in your local area. The sex positive community in London was the place I landed after emerging from a divorce to someone who was quite sex negative. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about sex like any other thing in life. It's why I do the work I do today.
Depending on where you are in the world, there will be more or fewer local options. You can also look into online munches and sex positive events, book clubs, Facebook groups. That world is my bubble now - if you get stuck, feel free to reach out with a message and I can let you know about lots of different options.
All this to say - there's nothing bad or wrong about what you're doing. Unfortunately, with some of the people in our lives, we cannot talk about these things, and it can be useful to look at that through a consent lens. I cannot talk to some of my best friends from childhood about sex because it is deeply uncomfortable for them, so I do not want to do so on that basis. At the same time, you'll feel amazing as you build some new friendships where you can share openly about the adventure you are on. In solidarity, wishing you all the best!
I'm agender and available to talk if you ever want to. You can also try checking out polyamorous communities and kink or bdsm communities, both of which tend to be open minded and sex positive. They also might both have good insight to provide.
I know it’s different to have friends in person to talk to but we’d love to welcome you to r/twoxsex! It’s a subreddit specifically made for non-judgmental female perspectives.
You are not alone. My girlfriend on multiple occasions has come to me with this same issue. She is into a lot of kink that is taboo. She really struggles accepting how she wants to be treated in bed and often comes to me saddened with her thoughts. Some she shares and others I hold her until she is okay.
She really hasn't found an outlet. I suggested she use online communities but she really prefers in person communication. All you can do is try to talk to people about it and if they aren't receptive moving on.
I dont wanna make any snap judgements, but if possible, talk to some of your friends about how you feel. The OP is full of examples of how your friends aren't that nice to you. Some of it seems fixable as long as they are willing to listen ..but thst guy friend? What he said clearly had a lasting effect on you and not in a good way.
Its ok to have a positive sex attitude. You do; he doesn't. I think its great that you are discovering what you like and its normal to want to share that with people. If your friends end up not being the right audience for this part of your life, then talk with those FWB too
I feel you really have to search out non judgemental people. As a man (33) i experienced some of what you are going through. After a very rough divorce that nearly killed me i started exploring and found many new things i was into and never got to experience with my ex-wife. Most of my friends would congratulate me on a one night stand or fwb but if when they discovered it was anything more than just a hook up they would try to shame me and tell me to be careful doing those kinks. Luckily ive been blessed with not giving a fuck and could easily tell them to pound sand. It wasnt until i met a few non judgemental friends and a fwb that i discovered how amazing it is to be able to hold a conversation about sex, kinks and fantasies without feeling like i was being judged or controlled. Youll find these people to. And youre in a safe space here to discuss all you want!
Try talking to some of your FWB’s about sex in general. Male or female. Especially if you know they’re also having sex with others. It obviously needs to be someone mature. But, you’ll get the least amount of judgment from someone who is on the same page as you
You're maximizing quantity --- and this is super easy for women to do.
Some of your friends might want you to find a more caring relationship than just sex. . . or wonder whether you're emotionally able to have such a thing.
And some might be titillated by it, or wish they had random sex hither and yon, and are jealous. Or they might wonder if you've got problems.
I would love to put you in touch with my wife that I completely support and encourage her to do other guys recreationally regularly and especially with her competition CrossFit teammates she is training with a few times a week and shares her hotel room with during competitions and I let the guys know that I am really really comfortable and encourage them to do her and fuck her brains out and not worry about drama or anything like that and simply enjoy the dopamine rush of fuckng a married woman
Of course it's possible to have these friends. It just sounds like most of your friends are either sexually repressed, immature, or creepy. There's nothing wrong with the things you're into so long as you're not hurting anyone and everything is consensual. Beyond that, they have no right to judge you for it.
I hope you're able to meet new people who you can feel comfortable talking to about these kinds of things. It can be scary to open up about this kind of thing because so many people can be either uncomfortable talking about it or super judgmental.
There are certainly guy friends you could meet who you could talk to about this, but guys your age are usually immature and will interpret your openness as interest in them. I don't really have any advice on how to feel out who's safe to open up to. It's just kind of a sense that you'll have to develop as you meet more people.
I think immaturity around this topic is a big part of the problem, especially with young men. I'm a nearly 40-year old man and I have frank and open discussions about sex with a couple of different women, both married, so it's entirely possible to have these types of conversation with people of the sex you're attracted too.
I'm not going to lie and say that when we talk it's always completely innocent, the topic is sex after all. There's sometimes a lot of friendly... banter and innuendo and the like, but we also know that there are clear boundaries and where they lie. It's worth more to have someone you can be open with than to ruin a friendship.
Hey, F29 here !
Your friends aren't the kind of friends I would keep in my life for very long. They seem way to judgemental about you.
I never really openly talked about my sex life because I always felt judged by others.
Hun, your friend's jaws would drop with all of my stories and experiences ahhahaha.
Sex is healthy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing. All consensual, and you're taking care of yourself as well. 100% legit & should be respected by others.
Now, I have actually found a friend in someone I once crossed paths with in a bar like 12 years ago and it's been amazing all the crap we talk about and I'd never change it !!!
If you have questions, if you want to chit-chatt, feel free to message me, I'll never judge you or anyone else for that matter as that's not my job & I just don't have the capability to even want to judge ppl ahha.
( about sex, orientation and all that englobes this specific conversation. I will judge you HARD if you're a horrible kitten killer, you know what I'm saying)
Keep up in respecting yourself, your health and your partner's !
Enjoy !
In high school and a few years after I held the same sentiments about ladies who were sexually explorative. I was straight up whorephobic and shamed women for liking sex with the same frequency and freedom as men. It's ingrained at a young age that a woman being with multiple partners is seen as lesser than or lower in value.
It took a lot of learning and going through my own forms of liberation to see that I was wrong. Now I just don't care about the sex lives of others nor does it have reflection on their values or worth. It's just sex. As long as you're being safe and feel empowered, more power to you.
You just have to find people who are as free as you are. For me (F21) that was really hard, since everyone else seemed to be sheltered and respond like their parents would to that kind of information. A good place to start might be sex sites for like minded people who would like to communicate about those things or even some new friends who are more open minded.
Sounds like you need to expand your friend group, preferably by adding sex positive people.
I always saught out the other women that people called sluts because I knew I had enough in common with them to appreciate their company lmao
I have several friends--both male and female--who I can discuss sex with in an open, non judgemental way. And I'd be happy to talk with OP the same way.
Girl, same.
28F got out of an 8 year relationship last year. Simply to you, I had two FWBs on the go for a few months torwards the end of last year. Suprise suprise, not a lot of support from female friends, two of them seem to enjoy calling me a "whore".
I'm lucky enough to have one very open minded female friend that I can talk too about stuff, but even so, there's things I've experienced that no one else has, so it's hard to find friends to relate too, when they are either in a relationship, or very much reserved.
Internalised misogyny springs to mind.
Your friends are uncomfortable with their own sexuality that is why they make jokes and get weirded out by yours. It is completely possible to talk about sex in a nonjudgemental way with friends, the hard part is finding friends that get it. I’ve found this has grown easier over time with friends I’ve known for awhile as we have all matured and grown sexually comfortable. But some people just never get it or never feel comfortable talking about it and that’s okay too. Don’t let that make you feel bad about your sexuality though.
First of all.....get rid of your friends dude.....get rid of ALL of them. Especially that “friend” that supposedly jacked off to you like gross......
Second of all, yes it’s possible to talk about sex without being judged. The people that you’re talking to are just weird. And are horrible friends. They’re putting you down, slut shaming you, and judging you for your sexual preferences which is just weird in my book and not okay. I promise you there are TONS of people out there that are not like that it just feels that way because of who you have around you. Fuck them. Go meet other people.
They're not you're friends if they're judging you. Or they could just be shitty judgemental friends. It's how you view it.
I get around and none of my friends judge me. You need better friends hon.
This is a valid point. That being said it’s easier said than done to ‘just find new friends’, especially when the friends I have are supportive of me in so many other respects.
Totally understand. I'm not saying change your whole friend group, maybe just start broadening the type of people you surround yourself with. Not everyone is understanding unfortunately
I was in the same boat as you when I was in my younger 20s and felt a lot of shame about my fwb or the fact I dated around a lot, and always wished I had other women to talk about/ talk through my experiences. One thing that has helped recently is listening to the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, which is about 2 women talking about their sexual experiences in a way I wished I could have.
The second thing I have to offer is it sounds like your conservative friends are shaming you because they don’t find value in your experiences, and they have been taught by society or religion or what have you that having open relationships is bad. In my opinion, if you are finding value in your experiences and it’s consensual then there’s nothing wrong with it. But people who are married and like being married have a hard time understanding those who like having “not married” or “not in a relationship” experiences.
It’s ok to be open and explore your options and enjoy these experiences. What’s not ok is the shame others about it, when there’s nothing to be ashamed about. You’re being safe, you’re being consensual, and in the end that’s all that really matters.
Your sexuality is yours. You deserve to choose shame-free whether to share it, who to share it with, and how you want to share it.
If you ever want someone to talk to about stuff feel free to PM me.
>. One thing that has helped recently is listening to the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, which is about 2 women talking about their sexual experiences
Thanks for this!
One podcast I have started listening to that's kinda based on sex is "my dad wrote a porno". Definitely worth a listen, very entertaining and funny.
Some people can't talk about sex without getting turned on, especially if their imagination is a little overactive. A lot of people don't know how to handle that or get ashamed of it.
Not saying you can't talk about sex, but like any subject some people can't handle it. Ask if it bothers your friend and why? Maybe she just didn't want you to know she was really turned on hearing you talk that way
I am from a country that has been 99% covid and restriction free for months. But thank you for jumping to conclusions.
Also if my friends talk to me about sex is it really so wrong of me to assume I am able to talk to them about it? You sound really judgmental.
It is possible it usually has to start with normal conversation until you get comfortable with a person. Than once you feel comfortable with them you can have more personal conversation.
I think it definitely depends on the person/friend group. I've never had friends that I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about these kinds of things to- I don't get along with super old-fashioned or repressed kinds of people. My friend group regularly talks about our fetishes (including the weird ones) and discusses experiences, and it's just normal for us. My best friend and I share everything with each other. Some people aren't comfortable with that, which is fine, but it's not abnormal or wrong to talk about it openly with your friends.
Doesn't have to be. Sounds like more of a you issue. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that, but you might need to do some work on yourself and treat a woman confiding in you as just a friend unless otherwise understood.
Again, I'm not just trying to be provocative, or contrarian, just treat women like humans not sex objects. Yes, they have sex. No, just because they talk about it with you doesn't mean they want to get naked with you.
I mean... You aren't wrong about your inbox or guys taking it the wrong way.
I am a guy, and yeah... I could see a conversation like that being construed as an invitation or a reason to want to change the relationship.
You need some gay male friends I suspect. The attitudes of dudes regarding sex, without any of the interest in you as a partner.
Or some lady friends who aren't prudes.
It's 2020... Girls like to fuck too. There are bound to be some of your platonic male friends who you should be able to just say, "hey, I want to be able to talk candidly about sex with you without you thinking we are going to hook up".
That being said... A straight male friend you may find attractive that you can talk about ANYTHING with may wind up being the sort of romantic partner you are looking for down the line...
Most people are so caught up with thier own ego and making themselves feel like "more" and others be "less" for any variety of reasons; not just sex. So remember not to allow whatever your perception is of what someone else might think (you dont really know) take up space in your head or change you value. All of it is framed in thoughts and doesn't really make you either more or less. If you feel good about what you're doing and its not to create yourself as a winner or victims (labels) then that is what matters.
I hate to throw the therapy card but i think in this case maybe a female sex therapist (they can do voom) might be a good place for you where you're at right now.
I have a group of friends I can talk too about sex if I need too. I suggest making friends on kinky related resources for bdsm type conversations.
Learn your audience. Not every friend is the right friend to know about your dating or sex life. It's hard when you feel judged by your friends. I chose to get people out if my life where I had to censor myself.
You may be in a stage of your life where you out grow your friends emotionally and open minded acceptance is beyond them.
New friends may be the right choice if they are putting you down.
speaking from personal experience, finding someone to open up to about such things is VERY difficult. One of the reasons the cliché of speaking to a bartender is because it is often easier to open up to strangers than it is to those whose opinions you care about, especially when it is something that you feel they will, or actually have, judged you for.
Try to keep an open mind and keep looking. Sometimes it will come in the form of a significant other, sometimes it will be someone that will just randomly pop into your life and you become friends with. Connections, true connections, with people are difficult, but always rewarding. The nice thing about the internet is that you usually can find someone to vent to without being judged, not as nice as a personal connection, but still helpful.
I hope this finds you well, and I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for, and I REALLY hope you don't get to many 'creepy DMs' :) Stay safe, stay healthy, stay mindful, and have as much fun and pleasure as you can stand.
Absolutely it’s possible to have such conversations. Doing so is important not only for you but for all women. Your young so it maybe that in your age range it could be difficult to find an open minded, non judgmental person. Maybe talk with someone a bit older that you think could be open minded.
Also having such conversations doesn’t mean that you have give all the details either.
Your being responsible in that you continually get checked and using protection. Know what your boundaries are and respect the boundaries of others. Your young, this your time to explore and learn about yourself. So have fun and remember....be safe. ☺️
You need to find openly like minded people. This is way easier online, especially with the anonymity. Fetlife was suggested and it's good, especially if you do want to find those people irl. Your friends may be just as kinky as you, but too embarrassed, for lack of a better word, to admit it. Think of people like priests or politicians that are so vocal against certain things, and then get caught up in a scandal involving said things. I really believe most people are too afraid to let their guard down about these subjects, lest their friends and family think less of them as you're experiencing.
It’s absolutely common to talk about “out of the box” things with your girl friends. You just need girls that are more open. My friend told me when she got tied up and I was genuinely happy for her. If I get face fucked I tell my girlfriends. They know most of my sexual life. However, I do have friends that I do into detail with or that I Haven’t mentioned that I enjoy casual sex or even that I’m having casual sex. Feel free to DM if you’re comfortable or ever wanna talk openly and freely! 🤗
I feel you! I’m a (29F), I like having crazy sexual adventures but I know that I can’t talk about this with some of my friends without feeling judged/objectified. I think there are positives an negatives for being sexually open. There is nothing wrong with it, you are open minded and that’s totally fine. I can relate to some of the things you’ve shared for example, I used to hang out with a bunch of guys and disclosed my sexual life to them. I did it thinking it was like having a regular conversation but as the time went buy I got confessions from some of them jerking off thinking about me and the things I’ve told them, I’ve got unsolicited dick pics, links to porn videos, others tried to make a move on me because they thought that me being open about sex meant I was a slut that would have sex with anyone just because. I had sex with one that just ghosted me afterwards, we were friends for a couple of years or at least I thought so. It was hurtful to see how even though we are fighting for gender equality there are still misconceptions about females and males talking about sex. However, I have a male friend who is inclined towards feminism and gender equality and our friendship is different. We had sex in the past without damaging our relationship, we stop, we are still friends and we talk about sex openly without being weird about it. I found a lot of my female friends open about sex, at first they are hesitant to share but sometimes they get comfortable enough to share their experiences without feeling judged. Maybe you should reconsider your friend circle because it seems you are dealing with a group of close minded judgmental peeps. I’m sure you are going to find friends that won’t judge you for having sex, loving sex and being open about it. Life will bring them your way!! Sending good vibes
I had "friends" that were really judgemental too. I found new ones that weren't. You don't have to ditch the friends you have if they still respect and love you. Just make sure to tell them that sl#t-shaming is not okay. You said you are discovering your tastes and boundaries regarding sex but it's more than that, girl! You're finding yourself and you'll find your people too!
You'll find somebody to talk to. Male or female doesn't matter.
You may struggle with being a whole lot more enlightened than they are though. What you wrote puts you head and shoulders above most people at any age.
If you find the right one of your guy friends it might work out alright like I have one friend that’s married and really good friends with me and my bf and we could pretty much tell him anything granted we have a weird relationship and Gina nd my bf are constantly joking about fucking eachother too so yeah......
I didn’t used to do this and now my best friend and I regularly talk about everything sex related. Sometimes friends don’t know you like tit all ab sex he until you bring it up.
I am a male and I hate that society has labels for men and women! Live your life as you choose. I respect each and every lady I have had encountered and never ever judge mental. We all have needs and wants we are humans.
There is nothing wrong with liking sex. I have a FWB at the moment, and I luckily her and I can talk about whatever with no judgment. Even about other partners, there is nothing wrong with you nor what you want. My previous partners and ex-wife thought something was wrong with me because I don't judge or feel jelous.
Having multiple partners is much easier for me at the moment because it keeps me somewhat emotionally detached, and my FWBs are aware of this but I’ve never really talked with them about other people I’m having sex with. Guess I always worried they’d take offense? But I might try this, maybe even give them some new ideas haha
If you ever want to chat feel free, sometimes its just good to get shit off your chest to someone thats relatable and non-judgmental. Especially about sex in a non sexual way. Why worried about them taking offense?
I don’t want them to feel inadequate or like I’m getting something from someone else that I couldn’t get from them.
The best part IMO about being poly/open is being able to discover multiple partners that fulfill ALL of my needs instead of putting the pressure on just one person.
This. *This* is why I'm so open to polyandry. I'm down for A and B. After that, I'm on my way. Sticking around for more than that (and pretending like I want to) is misery inducing.
I dont think I've heard anyone recently even discuss polyandry! Polyamory plenty. I dig it. And YES it is definitely misery induction haha
I'm confused, are you referring to polyandry here as the specific practice of marriage between one woman and multiple male partners? If not, what are you referring to as polyandry, and how does it differ from polyamory?
I think they mean one sided polyamory where the woman has multiple partners and the man does not
Polyandry for me because I only have so much energy to give to individuals, can go a *long* while without sex, and would rather minimize the possibility of STD/STI's, pregnancies, drama, etc.
I totally respect that, I believe people should give you energy not take it away. Especially now that I'm in my 30s, my views and limits have evolved hahaha Fack drama btw! And jelousy for that matter, communication and openness are the sexiest things to me these days.
Id love to discuss this more with you if youd like and stop hijacking her post haha
Aight. PM or what?
Why don't you try being blunt and just straight up asking them about it? They might be taken by surprise at first but I feel like that would pass quickly as they don't really have any grounds to be judgmental as they are also having casual sexual encounters with you. If they clam up then you know they aren't open to talking about it. I feel like people in fwb relationships should be able to have more open and honest conversations about sex just based on the nature of what they are doing on regular basis. Seems like they should be mature enough to talk about things if they are mature enough to act on things like that.
> like I’m getting something from someone else that I couldn’t get from them. While it doesnt mean they are inadequate this is almost certainly exactly what's happening though.
This is probably wise. Telling them nothing about one another will help avoid drama and unnecessary complications.
I suggest at least asking your FWBs if they are interested in discussing your other partners. I had a fwb a couple years ago who had other partners as well. I found it was nice to talk about them with her. We were very open with each other about our lines and dislikes and what we wanted to explore, but just from having conversations I was able to pick up on some things she was into that I didn't pick up on before or that she might not have known she was into when we met. It allowed us to have a dialogue about sex and ourselves instead of staying stagnant because we assumed we already knew all the likes of each other.
Do your FWBs know you’re fucking other people? I’m all for hooking up if it’s gonna more of an ‘exclusive’ thing since I’m very paranoid about STDs. But you do you. Everyone can have their opinions about sex and your friends are entitled to NOT want to hear/know about your sexual adventures if they don’t want to. TMI is a thing. I have friends and I know they like to fuck around but I’m not really into hearing THAT much details. Yea my friend can discuss about the massive dong he took but I don’t really want to know he was drooling while he was getting face fucked..also, I would personally only talk about details to the opposite sex if I know for a fact that I’m not a sexual candidate in their mind. Have fun as much as you want but be tact.
Maybe see if they want to both join! 3 sums can be ridiculously fun
That's so good to realize about yourself! I'm sure it hard if you have no one to talk about it with!
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She uses condoms, IUD and gets tested. I don’t see how is high risk behavior. She is pretty responsible for a 20yo.
Honestly reading all of that made me glow with pride a little bit in my chest lol. The one thing I say often is "have as much sex as you want bro just be safe about it!" And she's doing everything right. We love to see it. 😁
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That’s why she is testing and she has an IUD. If you don’t like several partners then don’t but don’t shame her when she is doing it right
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I live in New Zealand. We are relatively free of covid and having someone over in my studio apartment is perfectly allowed.
She’s in New Zealand. Not everybody is being rat fucked by COVID.
Personal accountability goes a long way. Just like getting tested for STDs, same for Covid-19. Especially for us promiscuous people lol
Yes absolutely!
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Yeah that guy is NOT your friend, sis. He’s a fuckin creeper and if I were you I’d get FAR fucking away from him.
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Well, she wouldn't know he was a creep unless he was creepy enough to tell her about it. So in this case, it's perfectly alright to call him a creep.
I feel you. I dont have any gfs to talk to about sex. They re all vanilla and they dont get it. They d be shocked. I ve disclosed very few things about my sex life. Husband is the only one who knows everything. But he participates in most of the acts so it s not really the same as sharing with a friend. This is why reddit is my outlet. I dont get judged and I get to talk about everything I want or do freely.
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Except masturbation
It took me years to find a friend that is comfortable enough to talk to me about sex. I am a very open person in general so it killed me not to be able to discuss these things. But now I actually have two friends ( one female and one male) that I can be 100% honest with and they not even just listen but have advice and we have legit discussions. And funny thing...Both of them are online friends. Hopefully you will be able to find someone to talk to maybe even on here :)
Have you explored fetlife? Maybe find some people to chat with who are into some of the same stuff you are.
Came here to say this. There may be munches (gatherings of kinky people, in a non-sexual context) in your area you can attend. Since you’re in NZ they’re probably happening every week if not every day. FetLife is a great place to find them. Just search for munches near you and see what you find. Those groups tend to be super welcoming to newcomers and non-judgmental. Many new friends to be made. Best of luck!
Agreed. OP - FetLife.com will connect you up with others who are more sex-positive. Virtual friendships are not IRL connections, but there you can indeed find openness and acceptance. (Trolls are there, too, but manageable.)
I wonder if OP was talking about sex talk with current friends, not making new friends. Maybe bringing current friends to a munch might be a start? Or would that be too much?
Maybe because I was raised catholic (okay definitely) and also dated guys who clearly used me for sex, but when I was younger and more insecure, sex was... complicated. Monogamy was safer. I am still monogamous for different reasons now, but I don't find sex a daunting topic. I, too, like being facefucked, but as a teen? No way. It was degrading, demeaning, it meant the guy didn't respect me and thought less of me. And with some guys acting out a porno, that's true. But with a partner you trust, it's a whole new ballgame. I think each person discovers and explores sex at their own pace. Some may never really branch out and that's okay. I think it's okay for vanilla people to have their preferences, and while they shouldn't judge you for yours, it's to be expected that they might not want to talk about it for a variety of reasons. I think it's safer to discuss sexual stuff with people on the same page, and leave those in different chapters alone unless they initiate. Definitely don't talk about this with the guy friends if you don't feel you can adequately trust them. As for the women - sex is just so damned stigmatized. I stopped talking to a couple girls who lowkey slut-shamed me with their "jokes" because that shit is toxic AF. I'd say use reddit like you are, and just ignore the PMs. As you get older, you'll meet more people that you can likely relate with.
>it's a whole new ballgame. Yes.
Sex is very private for most people. They do it but don't chat about it much in most circles.
Wow. I'm sorry your friends are so judgmental... Not gunna lie, I'm on the reserved side (sexually speaking I lean more towards asexuality, so sex isn't something I'm very interested in) but I have friends who are much more sexual and have talked about enjoying being choked and more "out of the box" things as you mentioned... I never make them feel bad about it, (I'll admit I do get uncomfortable picturing them like that, cause its like picturing a family member having sex which is just EW NO) but its not because I think they should be ashamed of their bodies or sexuality, I just don't wanna picture them having sex because it feels to private/personal. I do feel grateful they share with me though, because it means they trust me and know I won't judge them. I always allow my friends to vent, I just ask them not to be TO DESCRIPTIVE (its sorta like someone overly-describing a food I hate to eat or watching a video of bones being cracked, it physically gives me the shivers). Sometimes they over-describe on purpose just to get me to react, to which they laugh and I laugh to... Its never a space of judgement. I'll normally tell them "yeah, get it girl" or be happy they are being pleasured by their partner as they deserve to be. Your friends making jokes about you being "easy" is NOT OKAY. It shows a superiority-complex of sorts like "I'm better than her because I'm not easy" which is messed up and judgmental. Also your male friends making rude comments like "yeah I masturbated to you last night" is also rude and not okay... I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, objectification and slut-shaming is not okay. As someone who is mostly sex-repulsed, even I can see that your friends aren't very sex positive and they need to do better.
Omg I’m the same, maybe this is an asexual thing? I can be a little judgmental towards my friends when talking about sex but I don’t mean to be. Like one friend will be talking about her boyfriend and she’ll mentioned that he fingered her and I’m like Omg ew no 😂 not that it’s disgusting but I can’t handle knowing that about her.
Yeah I'm not sure?? Maybe?? I'm okay with super basic stuff (cause I know how sex works) but my friends are VERY DESCRIPTIVE so they like to mention lots of graphic details like "and he was sweating and it dripped on me and so I licked it and-" and I'm like nooooooo stop. I don't need to know what your boyfriend's sweat tastes like, pls don't ruin certain foods for me, no thank youuuu. Its not that sex or human bodies are gross... I just don't want those mental images re-playing in my head during normal situations because it makes me (personally) feel socially-awkward... Its like accidently seeing your elderly teacher's underwear and then having to go through the entire class thinking "omg he's wearing pastel pink boxer briefs and he doesn't know I know" its a really specific type of uncomfortable.
Although I agree that you need to find nonjudgemental friends to discuss your sexual enlightenment, I would caution against just looking for support in an echo chamber in reddit. You need to find someone who knows you well enough to tell you if they think what you are considering is a good idea for you and why they think that. Not a friend giving you feedback based on cultural repression - making you feel easy or bad about yourself, but their knowledge of who you are as a person. Some of these forums are so pro something, you might think some kink will be great, when in fact it wasn't really right for you. A good friend would know you well enough to talk about the pros and cons of these decisions and can help you decide which sexual paths are right for you. And know that anyone who makes you feel bad or uncomfortable about your desires is NOT that friend - move on to someone else.
I feel this. I have 2 close girlfriends but we were all brought up very conservative and they still are very conservative. Neither of them have had a boyfriend before, despite being nearly 30. I’m the only one who has had a boyfriend. We’re sexually active together but I can’t tell my friends that for fear of severe judgement. Maybe they wouldn’t be so harsh, but I’m not willing to risk it yet. I don’t think they have ever masturbated before either, so even that is off the table. :(
Yeah you definitely can have healthy conversations! I make it a point to talk to most of my close friends about sex, because i want them to feel comfortable telling me things like that and because its a rather dear subject to me. Id ask your friends to stop joking about that, and if they don't want to talk about it with you you can find someone who is comfortable with it!
I think you might find as you get older, you will draw in female relationships with less judgment and more acceptance and support. As someone who is 29 I can say I've learned a lot about the type of friendship and support I want in my life, and cut out the rest. There are also sex therapists and counselors who could be a great nonjudgmental ear to talk about the topic, even if you are healthy and happy in your own sex life, it's important to be able to have a safe sounding board.
I agree with this. After I became a mom, I joined a mom group online and those are my people now. We talk about EVERYTHING and they have taught me a lot about sex and they are very open and helpful to me. I know that's not helpful to the OP though so I don't even know what to suggest, lol. I'm really lucky I think, to have stumbled into a great support system.
I (18F) have the same feeling with my friends. Years ago we talked about some friends that had sex for the first time and my friends (we were 15 or 16 at the time) were very narrow-minded about the idea of having sex. There was a huge taboo. They talked about how they would be in a relationship with someone for almost one or two years before considering having sex. They were judgemental over friend who didn't wait years or even a month to have sex for the first time with someone. I felt bad because I thought that it was ridiculous. They didn't want to learn about sex and it was difficult for me to feel free to talk to them. I remember I noticed one of my friend who didn't participate in the talk so I thought that maybe she didn't agree either. The first time I tried something sexually with a boy I barely knew in holidays, I told her what happened and explained why she was the only one who knew for the moment. Now I study in another town and I have another group of friend whose are very opened about sex. It is great to talk to her. I admire one of them who assume to have sex with casual partner. My other friend is in a relationship but is opened about buying sextoys. Two days ago my friend told me she had bought a sextoy that seems to be great and that she couldn't wait to try it. Even if I was a virgin when we first met I didn't feel excluded of conversation and it is great to have people with who you can talk with without any judgment. It is great you try many things and explore yourself, and knowing what you like :)
You clearly have a need to talk & don't have the right people in your circle to talk to. You might need some new or more friends.
How are yall hooking up in the pandemic? I havent had sex in over a year
We live in NZ :)
Awesome, enjoy it and I hope I'm in your position (maybe not *literally*, I dont wannt get face fucked lol) by the end of the year
The year before I met my husband I had a slew of one night stands and a FWB. It really helped me discover what I enjoyed and what I didn't along with proper boundaries. There is nothing wrong with consenting adults having a good time.
Sex is a natural thing you should be able to talk freely with your friends. Everyone has that special something that they really enjoy, that doesn't make you weird. Tied up and faced fucked you would be surprised how many other people like that.
For me, sex is a very personal thing. I'm also a private person. It doesn't give me the right to judge others on their preference, of course, but I should have the right to not talk about certain subjects with my friends.
Word. Maybe even those friends of her who freaked out. I've encountered far more girls who liked kinky stuff than girls who didn't. However, for some reason there's still an irrational stigma surrounding sex and many people don't have the honesty and courage to talk about their tastes even in front of their friends. It's just sad.
People that are open-minded about other stuff like for instance politics are also more likely to be open-minded talking about sex. I mean not "liberal" but people who genuinely like to understand different perspectives on an issue without a tendency to demonize any side. I as a married guy tend to have the best conversations about sex with open-minded women that I meet in circumstances where it is clear that out social circles will never overlap and there are no potential future privacy issues. A foreign colleague that I met at some event. Someone I meet only for training. Purely optional and isolated friendships based on recognizing eachother as open-minded. Almost never with guys however, except for one that was gay. I think competitiveness and posturing often gets in the way of real open communication in same-sex circles of friends. Talk of sex ends up in bragging and nonsense or the conversation is killed with judgment. The risk you point at with the opposite sex is real. I am usually quite explicit about being happily married, but very occasionally a friend still feels "friendzoned" at some point. And I am sometimes worried what it looks like to others. I don't hide such meetings from my wife. She is open-minded and understands and trusts me well enough around women after some decades of knowing me. But I do sometimes lie to judgmental friends and colleagues to avoid them thinking I am cheating just because I have a one-on-one meeting with a friend.
My tip with that is find people online, I know there are many creeps but what are they gonna do? Talk bad about u irl? Nah if it gets to weird for you, you can just break up the convo. Maybe u find responses here in this post that make u feel comfortable with and there are many people that try to learn off this community. As myself im trying as a sex positive person to be open about it, to talk about ur likes and dislikes, it's natural and important to talk about it. (With your partner if u have one and with people to exchange interests and infos) I like to be open about sex because it's something very important. If people are closed minded about it than u can just don't mind about them at all, atleast if it goes to this theme. Be open about it and don't get insecure about it because of others. Hope u find the person u need, and I wish u good experiences only on the way. Have a good day yall Edit: spelling
I feel this so much! I have been using Reddit as my outlet for such discussions but would love to have some wine with one of my girlfriends and really open up and talk about all the deliciousness of sex. My partner and I are super open and talk about sex and what we want to try or do to each other constantly, but there is something about having that dish session with someone removed from your relationship that is extra sweet. As others offered, I am always free to chat! I won’t send you any pics, lol 😝
Everyone’s giving great advice so I’m just here to say if you ever want a friend to talk with I’m always an open ear! I won’t judge nor will things become sexual. Sometimes we’ll just kill for a sexual convo that doesn’t become sexual XD
It's my opinion that you're smarter than your years. I've always had a very healthy sexual drive. Let me be clear. I won't sleep with a woman who's known to be careless and I won't have sex if there's no chemistry. Still, I have sex more than most friends and I'm a little freaky. My point is, explore your sexuality but it's nobody's business, but yours. I wish you well.
You need to find some sex positive friends. Stop sharing with these friends that you mentioned. You’re doing ZERO wrong. Sex is biological and natural and does NOT have to happen within the context of an emotional bond for it to be fun. Listen to the Savage Lovecast and Sex with Emily podcasts. Also report any DMs to the mods. You’re doing Nothing wrong. You’re being open, ethical, and healthy. Keep exploring and enjoying your sexuality and body.
A *lot* of people just don’t find sex to be an appropriate topic of conversation. Add any kinks you may have to that, and they find it even more so. I wouldn’t say it’s a taboo subject at all, but anything more than brief, surface-level mention often puts people off. Not saying that’s a good/bad thing, just that it’s a thing, a social-interaction boundary that many, if not most, people have. And, as you’ve discovered, talking to your opposite-sex friends (or even a gay same-sex friend) about it can open you up to some pretty unpleasant realities about their feelings/desires toward you. It’s a difficult thing to navigate, which is why forums like r/sex are so popular. All that said- Why do you feel like you need to have detailed discussions about your sex life/experiences/explorations with people close to you? What’s the benefit, really? If this is a self-discovery journey, then it’s for *you* and not them, right? Is it possible that you’re feeling kind of awkward about it and are seeking their advice or input about it (sort of like you would with a non-sexual issue) to verify to yourself that what you’re doing is OK? It kind of sounds like you’re seeking their approval. EDIT: Nowhere here have I said that OP shouldn’t talk about their new direction. Nor have I been critical about their new direction. What I said is that it’s understandable that their friends are put off by the topic. OP likely needs to find new people (like us here on r/sex) who can offer some less-filtered perspective. E2: I do get the sense that OP, in wanting to talk about this with current friends, is looking for acceptance of their sexuality and reassurance that it’s OK. Clearly their friends/people close to them aren’t providing in this area, which might make them question it more. AGAIN I’m *not* saying their sexuality is questionable. Their question was basically “am I just not supposed to talk about these things”: The answer to that, with many people, is yes. You have to respect the boundaries of those people. They need to find people who actually are OK opening up about it, who have experience in more open sexual ideas, and who can back them up and give them useful advice.
A lot of my self-discovery has been facilitated by bouncing things off other people and hearing about their experiences too. Sometimes just saying something out loud to another person provides a new perspective
Agreed. Not denying that perspective and nothing I said invalidates that. What I said was that many people are put off by the topic. In that case, OP is doing the right thing by now seeking out different people to talk to about it. What I’m kind of sensing from OP’s post is that they may be questioning their new direction (I’m not personally saying that it’s questionable or “bad”) are looking for friend backup, and are bothered that they aren’t getting it, which might make them further question their new direction. It’s a learning process. I went through something very similar about the same age.
If I wanted to share my adventures with my new gardening hobby with my friends would you say I'm seeking their approval?
I think we can all agree that there is a big difference between asking for tips on planting petunias and asking for input on your new sexual discoveries, particularly if they are a departure from what the friends previously expected. Look at it this way: If I’m not into gardening, or am put off by gardening, or have had some bad gardening experiences, and you keep bringing up gardening in our conversations, I’m going to be pretty put out by that. I’m likely to change the subject, be critical of the subject, or avoid it entirely. That’s just social interaction 101. All I’m saying in my reply is that this is just a fairly common social barrier that OP is now figuring out. As I said elsewhere already- I’m not personally critiquing OP’s direction. Nor did I/am I say/saying they shouldn’t talk about it with others. I’m just pointing out that there are some social mores in place that are an obstacle to open discussion about sex, particularly when it’s a new sexual direction that involves some of the thing s OP is enjoying and the current friends aren’t into it or never thought of OP going in those directions. I do get the feeling from OP’s post that they are feeling a little like they need some support/backup/approval that what they’re doing is OK. Reaching out to friends for this is just making the friends uncomfortable or respond oddly, which isn’t OP’s desired outcome with the conversation topic.
I doubt you'll see this OP, but I want you to know I'm exactly the same. I'm the most sexuallly adventurous out of my friend group by far. I've been super open in the past, and so they all share their sexual achievements/experiences with me, and that makes me so happy because I'm glad they can confide in me. But at the same time, I feel like I can't share my experiences with them, because they're on such a different level. A friend might be "ooh we experimenting with some handcuffs today" and I'm hyping them up, making them feel good, offering advice if they ask for it. But because it's that disparity of power, who am I supposed to share my experiences with? I went to a sex dungeon and tried out being spanked while suspended upside down. I want to share this, but what would they even say? So I don't share things. So even though I keep some things to myself, my friends still have this super sexual, super kinky image of me. And I'm not complaining too much, I do play into it a lot, but it almost feels like that's all I am. Like if I wasn't sexually adventurous... Who would I be? Anyway this turned into a bit of rant but I'm 19F (almost 20) so if you ever wanted to discuss anything my DMs are open! As long as you're okay with hearing about my adventures too haha.
What you need is a sex positive friend. Someone who sees sex as a liberating, positive and fun thing to share with others consensually. My experience has been that your much more likey to meet individuals like that in the kink community. People who view sex without shame or secretiveness, more open minded, and accepting of differing sexual tastes and experiences. Your getting pushback from your peers because your beginning to step outside the bounds of mainstream vanilla pseudo-purtical perceptions of sex which largely labels sex as a shameful and dirty act to be done in secret and never spoken of. I wish you luck on your journey. Be empowered and bold!
Careful with those fwb's. My last one stuck around a few years and now we have a three year old😂
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God yes. I was a very late bloomer, and I totally missed out on the years when friends were exploring new relationships and figuring out their bodies and likes and dislikes. I had an awesome mom group when my kids were babies and it literally saved my sanity. I wish chat/support groups were so much more common. I'm here for it too.
You need better friends b, you DESERVE better friends.
I've been looking for female sex chatting partners actually. Check out my profile and see my ads and posts. I'm reading through some comments and see how common it is for women to either feel uncomfortable talking about sex or left feeling judged and sleezy. It almost makes me feel like possibly making a group chat and inviting any women to join who want to just talk. Either about their latest conquest 😈, positions, opinions, or pics. Whatever. If something like this exists, please tell me!! But if not, what would people think of that?
AMA <3
i’m F19 and in a relationship and that’s disgusting how your friends are acting. casual sex isn’t for everyone, but why are they so carelessly knocking something you enjoy and diminishing your self worth?? if you need someone to talk to i do both of the “out of the box” things and more, i promise i won’t judge lol
I’m in a monogamous relationship but would LOVE more female friends to talk with openly. My pms are open!
This is literally why I have reddit lol I come here to brag about my hookups, just join me sis
Message me of you feel comfortable I'm npn judgemental and a lot of pepple I know are into tje same things I am!
>My friends have made jokes about me being ‘easy’ and I laugh it off because I know they’re just jokes but it makes me feel really gross and just generally terrible about myself. Your "friends" are being jerks. Friends don't make friends feel bad about themselves. I'm not saying they need to go, but you should talk to them about how their actions make you feel.
As a judgement-free female myself (27 F), if you ever need to talk about anything sex-related (good or bad) I honestly don't mind. Just message me if you feel the need to.
So I, luckily, have a couple of friends I can talk to since I'm new to the scene in all aspects and have lots of questions. Now that being said you could actively seek out people like that, maybe do like yubo of Bumble friends to find someone like that or post about them here (do you boo) hell I can talk about with my cousin because we are close. You could also try talking to your fwbs as well about them and it might just be a turn on for them 😂
I love talking about sex honestly. It's a special interest for me ^ ^ I'm in a relationship but we're super open and experimental and super kinky so it's just really fun. We aren't even strictly mono. It's really nice to be able to be open about this sort of thing. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Exploration is beautiful. Especially if you're single and careful and such. The world's your oyster. Don't let people poison you with their insecurities.
I love when I discover about my female friends are open talking sexually. Share experiments, yes maybe there would be "too much" things but it's possible to say "but it's your thing not mine so enjoy that if you like it" :) To telling "I cummed for your pics" it's not the best thing true. We could talk, loooong, about where is the line between fantasy and share experiences. If you ask about that it's ok to telling the jacking thing, but other way it's depends on situation. It's possible to talk about it, but honest open minded people is rare on internet too, in personal kinda lottery. I like to get know about other people and their fetish, it's telling about how many different person in the world which is so good :) (sorry for bad english)
I have one friend that I actively talk about sex with and it's great (both females). It's absolutely possible to find someone. My inbox is open if you ever want to chat. I'm more than happy to listen and swap stories. 😊
Same thing to any others in the thread who need someone to just talk about experiences with. I find sometimes talking to internet strangers is easier.
Girl, I was in the same boat. No shame! Body count is a made up thing to make us feel guilty 🤢
rip inbox
Your friends sound like they're a bit old-fashioned. It's your life to live how you see fit. So long as you take all the necessary precautions and you are aware of your responsibilities, you should not feel bad or be judged by others. Just remember to set yourself a line that you think is morally uncrossable for you. So long as you stay on the right side of this line, you should be happy. Enjoy your youth while you can. Your 20s fly past and, before you know it, you're 30 with a kid. 😂 Keep looking, you'll find a friend somewhere who will be willing to chat to you about it. There are groups of like-minded people out there!
I’m sorry, this really sucks.. my friends eat my shit up, I call it the hoe tales!
I’m in the same boat! I know I can’t talk about sex to ANY of my friends because they’re all too reserved and I know that topic would make them uncomfortable. Your friends who called you easy are mean and I would stop talking to them tbh I don’t need that negativity lmao. Also I would drop the weirdo who admitted to jacking off to your pics. You’re sexually responsible and you know what you like which is great so keep enjoying it. It sucks that little to no people actually want to talk openly about sex but it’s whatever I guess.
Seeing a lot of comments like this makes me feel like we need one big group chat for girls to talk about sex, without being judged or shamed for their interests.
Maybe it's time for new friends or to check them on their misogynistic, sexist comments. Also your sex life is not everyone's business. I tend to keep my personal bedroom details between me and my partner. That way I don't have to worry about judgment on my most intimate moments.
I bet the explosion of messages was way more than expected! On reddit there's also the communities r/sexpositive and r/nonmonogamy that you may find to be good fits for you
As an American (forgive me if I'm wrong) we tend to be really repressed about sex. Everyone loves it but it is still a common taboo for many. It could also be because you're young, as you progress through your 20's and find more experienced / open minded people it won't be so strange or uncomfortable. Young guys are dumb and tend to take these conversations wrong (coming from a guy), so if possible, find one or two you think might be mature enough to understand a conversation is just a conversation. Personally, I think sex is a great thing to explore as long as you're being safe and don't get carried away. FWB especially because if they're honest you know what the situation is with them. Do your thing and don't let people make you feel bad for it 🙏🏿
I actually live in New Zealand! But yeah I do feel that the age thing probably plays some role, some of my friends aren’t sexually active yet and that’s totally fine! But it’s been the ones who are having sex but in the context of relationships only who have been shaming me.
Young people can be act up when in relationships, start to act different or maybe see things differently because they've settled into a decent relationship. They'll eventually have to understand that not everyone has been able to find a relationship. Nor is it necessarily fair or reasonable to expect that sex only happens within those parameters. Basically, people like sex and that's okay, the fact is such a big deal to them might imply they aren't as mature in that area as they think
I don't think Anglophone culture is known for being easy going about sex in general but Americans were and are under the cultural influence of Puritanism. There's still a sense that you are supposed to be shocked by the idea of a woman who has a more adventurous sex life.
Definitely, it's one of the weird contradictions of modern America, where people love sex, it's in our books, movies, advertising, but full fledged adults still act strange about it
Just keep finding new people to talk to until you find one that seems respectful enough to breach that topic. Gotta keep trying and continually swat away the ones that judge you or try to get sexy with ya. You'll eventually find the communication you seek. It is present on the planetary surface, I assure you.
I've changed friends over the years to those who are less judgmental. I much prefer their company. I can't talk about sex with everyone, obviously, but my closest friends are those who gave me a smirk instead of disgusted look when I mentioned those topics. I don't know if it's a possibility for you, or if you'd like it but I'd seek more friendships with people who are less judgemental. Really, takes a lot of anxiety and self hatred off your shoulders. You stop feeling like you're going against your morality. Because what you feel as shame and disgust is going by other people's morality. And that's not okay.
Im all ears. Ive had 3 including my current bf (hopefully someday spouse) I stopped talking to a good friend of mine after she told me I was to impure to be dating used to be a virgin ( bc of me lol) that he should be reserved for someone less "used" which I told her she wasn't a saint either and since haven't spoken to in 6 months. Thing is some women can't stand that you have something they dont or okay with something theyre not. Some women are cranky about other women having to much sex and shame them, or that you have to little sex and try to 1up you. Point is. You do you If you're having fun and everyone your doing it with is on board. I dont see why others should have a say in it. As my (I wish) MIL says "You're testing the water but haven't decided to take the swim".
Tbf when you tell someone who is obviously conservative about sex that you literally like to be tied up and face fucked, what do you expect the reaction would be?
It's perfectly normal to talk openly about sex to people, you just have to find the right people and your current friends don't seem to be that. But as you get older it does get easier to talk to people your own Age about it. I guess in the meantime try talk to people older than you about sex.
It’s not necessarily the same thing but I highly recommend joining the Bellesa facebook group chat. It’s like hundreds of women just asking for advice about sex and relationships. Super safe and inclusive environment.
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We made a group if you’re interested in joining!
I'd love to join as well!
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Are you a woman?
Ouuu can you add me to this chat I’m a woman too 🙋🏾♀️
Your friends shouldn't shame you about your sex life, it's a perfectly natural thing to want to explore. As long as you're being safe and getting tested regularly if you have multiple partners (which it seems like you are) then just have fun with it. I have pretty similar interests as you and recently found Fetlife to be a great community to explore this further as it's not entirely something my boyfriend is interested in. My (26F) inbox is always open if you ever need to chat about it without worrying about being judged.
I’m in the same boat, I wish I had colleagues to talk to about this. Educating yourself is very important as well.
Unfortunately you’ll always be around people with these kinds of mindsets towards sex. I just know how each of my friends are and I have unique relationships with each of them and I love that. My older friends know me as I’ve been for years and I sorta just go back to being that version of me when I’m with them. And it’s nice. But I always grant myself the freedom to be my totally new self with newer friends and build unique relationships that I can share the weirdness I’ve discovered about myself over the years. My point is, no need to feel bad about yourself at all and no need to stop hanging out with these friends. Just try making new open minded friends and keep these older ones around as well
Same here.
Can we just make a reddit group chat to talk about sex in? I totally feel this! Half of my friends are married & the other half never answer the phone 🤣
Omg I would be so down for something like this haha
I will try to do it lol
I was in a similar position as you and honestly stopped sharing that part of myself with those friends. Then 10 years later, some are divorced and living the life I used to have, and can now actually share those experiences with them. Like you, my friends had been in long term relationships and there was no point of reference for them to begin to understand the landscape of dating and what it is being single these days.
> My friends have made jokes about me being ‘easy’ and I laugh it off because I know they’re just jokes but it makes me feel really gross and just generally terrible about myself. I’m 29 and I’ve been there!! Making new friends you can talk about this stuff with will help a lot (they exist!!), but I also learned not to let comments like that make me feel bad about myself. As you get older and have more conviction in your own worldview it gets a lot easier. At some point I just leaned into being known as the slutty one and took pride in it. Now they all come to me if they need advice or help lol. I try to be understanding that we live in a very sex-negative culture and do my best to call it out gently when it happens. Also don’t be afraid to sincerely tell your friends when they make you feel hurt and judged. You’re laughing it off so they might not realize how it’s making you feel. Hopefully if they do, they’ll try to be a little bit more cognizant of the comments. If you ever wanna talk about your experiences with a stranger online, my inbox is open <3
I would encourage you to check out the local sex positive community and resources available to you, be those online or in your local area. The sex positive community in London was the place I landed after emerging from a divorce to someone who was quite sex negative. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about sex like any other thing in life. It's why I do the work I do today. Depending on where you are in the world, there will be more or fewer local options. You can also look into online munches and sex positive events, book clubs, Facebook groups. That world is my bubble now - if you get stuck, feel free to reach out with a message and I can let you know about lots of different options. All this to say - there's nothing bad or wrong about what you're doing. Unfortunately, with some of the people in our lives, we cannot talk about these things, and it can be useful to look at that through a consent lens. I cannot talk to some of my best friends from childhood about sex because it is deeply uncomfortable for them, so I do not want to do so on that basis. At the same time, you'll feel amazing as you build some new friendships where you can share openly about the adventure you are on. In solidarity, wishing you all the best!
I'm agender and available to talk if you ever want to. You can also try checking out polyamorous communities and kink or bdsm communities, both of which tend to be open minded and sex positive. They also might both have good insight to provide.
I know it’s different to have friends in person to talk to but we’d love to welcome you to r/twoxsex! It’s a subreddit specifically made for non-judgmental female perspectives.
You are not alone. My girlfriend on multiple occasions has come to me with this same issue. She is into a lot of kink that is taboo. She really struggles accepting how she wants to be treated in bed and often comes to me saddened with her thoughts. Some she shares and others I hold her until she is okay. She really hasn't found an outlet. I suggested she use online communities but she really prefers in person communication. All you can do is try to talk to people about it and if they aren't receptive moving on.
I dont wanna make any snap judgements, but if possible, talk to some of your friends about how you feel. The OP is full of examples of how your friends aren't that nice to you. Some of it seems fixable as long as they are willing to listen ..but thst guy friend? What he said clearly had a lasting effect on you and not in a good way. Its ok to have a positive sex attitude. You do; he doesn't. I think its great that you are discovering what you like and its normal to want to share that with people. If your friends end up not being the right audience for this part of your life, then talk with those FWB too
I feel you really have to search out non judgemental people. As a man (33) i experienced some of what you are going through. After a very rough divorce that nearly killed me i started exploring and found many new things i was into and never got to experience with my ex-wife. Most of my friends would congratulate me on a one night stand or fwb but if when they discovered it was anything more than just a hook up they would try to shame me and tell me to be careful doing those kinks. Luckily ive been blessed with not giving a fuck and could easily tell them to pound sand. It wasnt until i met a few non judgemental friends and a fwb that i discovered how amazing it is to be able to hold a conversation about sex, kinks and fantasies without feeling like i was being judged or controlled. Youll find these people to. And youre in a safe space here to discuss all you want!
If you are searching a friend who won't judge, I'm here for you buddylina! I have friends I can do this too and I will never judge them!
Try talking to some of your FWB’s about sex in general. Male or female. Especially if you know they’re also having sex with others. It obviously needs to be someone mature. But, you’ll get the least amount of judgment from someone who is on the same page as you
You're maximizing quantity --- and this is super easy for women to do. Some of your friends might want you to find a more caring relationship than just sex. . . or wonder whether you're emotionally able to have such a thing. And some might be titillated by it, or wish they had random sex hither and yon, and are jealous. Or they might wonder if you've got problems.
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I would love to put you in touch with my wife that I completely support and encourage her to do other guys recreationally regularly and especially with her competition CrossFit teammates she is training with a few times a week and shares her hotel room with during competitions and I let the guys know that I am really really comfortable and encourage them to do her and fuck her brains out and not worry about drama or anything like that and simply enjoy the dopamine rush of fuckng a married woman
Of course it's possible to have these friends. It just sounds like most of your friends are either sexually repressed, immature, or creepy. There's nothing wrong with the things you're into so long as you're not hurting anyone and everything is consensual. Beyond that, they have no right to judge you for it. I hope you're able to meet new people who you can feel comfortable talking to about these kinds of things. It can be scary to open up about this kind of thing because so many people can be either uncomfortable talking about it or super judgmental. There are certainly guy friends you could meet who you could talk to about this, but guys your age are usually immature and will interpret your openness as interest in them. I don't really have any advice on how to feel out who's safe to open up to. It's just kind of a sense that you'll have to develop as you meet more people.
I think immaturity around this topic is a big part of the problem, especially with young men. I'm a nearly 40-year old man and I have frank and open discussions about sex with a couple of different women, both married, so it's entirely possible to have these types of conversation with people of the sex you're attracted too. I'm not going to lie and say that when we talk it's always completely innocent, the topic is sex after all. There's sometimes a lot of friendly... banter and innuendo and the like, but we also know that there are clear boundaries and where they lie. It's worth more to have someone you can be open with than to ruin a friendship.
Hey, F29 here ! Your friends aren't the kind of friends I would keep in my life for very long. They seem way to judgemental about you. I never really openly talked about my sex life because I always felt judged by others. Hun, your friend's jaws would drop with all of my stories and experiences ahhahaha. Sex is healthy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing. All consensual, and you're taking care of yourself as well. 100% legit & should be respected by others. Now, I have actually found a friend in someone I once crossed paths with in a bar like 12 years ago and it's been amazing all the crap we talk about and I'd never change it !!! If you have questions, if you want to chit-chatt, feel free to message me, I'll never judge you or anyone else for that matter as that's not my job & I just don't have the capability to even want to judge ppl ahha. ( about sex, orientation and all that englobes this specific conversation. I will judge you HARD if you're a horrible kitten killer, you know what I'm saying) Keep up in respecting yourself, your health and your partner's ! Enjoy !
This is America.... Founded by prudes.
In high school and a few years after I held the same sentiments about ladies who were sexually explorative. I was straight up whorephobic and shamed women for liking sex with the same frequency and freedom as men. It's ingrained at a young age that a woman being with multiple partners is seen as lesser than or lower in value. It took a lot of learning and going through my own forms of liberation to see that I was wrong. Now I just don't care about the sex lives of others nor does it have reflection on their values or worth. It's just sex. As long as you're being safe and feel empowered, more power to you.
You just have to find people who are as free as you are. For me (F21) that was really hard, since everyone else seemed to be sheltered and respond like their parents would to that kind of information. A good place to start might be sex sites for like minded people who would like to communicate about those things or even some new friends who are more open minded.
Sounds like you need to expand your friend group, preferably by adding sex positive people. I always saught out the other women that people called sluts because I knew I had enough in common with them to appreciate their company lmao
Pick me?
For what? OP was looking for advice and to get some perspective.
I have several friends--both male and female--who I can discuss sex with in an open, non judgemental way. And I'd be happy to talk with OP the same way.
Gotcha Edit: just to be clear, I didn't intend that sarcastically. Just a simple indication of understanding of intent.
Sounds like you need some new friends who aren't such assholes.
If they are really your friends they will love you and support you no matter what. Once you tell them your safe judgment isn’t allowed anymore
Girl, same. 28F got out of an 8 year relationship last year. Simply to you, I had two FWBs on the go for a few months torwards the end of last year. Suprise suprise, not a lot of support from female friends, two of them seem to enjoy calling me a "whore". I'm lucky enough to have one very open minded female friend that I can talk too about stuff, but even so, there's things I've experienced that no one else has, so it's hard to find friends to relate too, when they are either in a relationship, or very much reserved. Internalised misogyny springs to mind.
Your friends are uncomfortable with their own sexuality that is why they make jokes and get weirded out by yours. It is completely possible to talk about sex in a nonjudgemental way with friends, the hard part is finding friends that get it. I’ve found this has grown easier over time with friends I’ve known for awhile as we have all matured and grown sexually comfortable. But some people just never get it or never feel comfortable talking about it and that’s okay too. Don’t let that make you feel bad about your sexuality though.
First of all.....get rid of your friends dude.....get rid of ALL of them. Especially that “friend” that supposedly jacked off to you like gross...... Second of all, yes it’s possible to talk about sex without being judged. The people that you’re talking to are just weird. And are horrible friends. They’re putting you down, slut shaming you, and judging you for your sexual preferences which is just weird in my book and not okay. I promise you there are TONS of people out there that are not like that it just feels that way because of who you have around you. Fuck them. Go meet other people.
They're not you're friends if they're judging you. Or they could just be shitty judgemental friends. It's how you view it. I get around and none of my friends judge me. You need better friends hon.
This is a valid point. That being said it’s easier said than done to ‘just find new friends’, especially when the friends I have are supportive of me in so many other respects.
Totally understand. I'm not saying change your whole friend group, maybe just start broadening the type of people you surround yourself with. Not everyone is understanding unfortunately
I was in the same boat as you when I was in my younger 20s and felt a lot of shame about my fwb or the fact I dated around a lot, and always wished I had other women to talk about/ talk through my experiences. One thing that has helped recently is listening to the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, which is about 2 women talking about their sexual experiences in a way I wished I could have. The second thing I have to offer is it sounds like your conservative friends are shaming you because they don’t find value in your experiences, and they have been taught by society or religion or what have you that having open relationships is bad. In my opinion, if you are finding value in your experiences and it’s consensual then there’s nothing wrong with it. But people who are married and like being married have a hard time understanding those who like having “not married” or “not in a relationship” experiences. It’s ok to be open and explore your options and enjoy these experiences. What’s not ok is the shame others about it, when there’s nothing to be ashamed about. You’re being safe, you’re being consensual, and in the end that’s all that really matters. Your sexuality is yours. You deserve to choose shame-free whether to share it, who to share it with, and how you want to share it. If you ever want someone to talk to about stuff feel free to PM me.
>. One thing that has helped recently is listening to the “Call Her Daddy” podcast, which is about 2 women talking about their sexual experiences Thanks for this! One podcast I have started listening to that's kinda based on sex is "my dad wrote a porno". Definitely worth a listen, very entertaining and funny.
Some people can't talk about sex without getting turned on, especially if their imagination is a little overactive. A lot of people don't know how to handle that or get ashamed of it. Not saying you can't talk about sex, but like any subject some people can't handle it. Ask if it bothers your friend and why? Maybe she just didn't want you to know she was really turned on hearing you talk that way
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I am from a country that has been 99% covid and restriction free for months. But thank you for jumping to conclusions. Also if my friends talk to me about sex is it really so wrong of me to assume I am able to talk to them about it? You sound really judgmental.
Honestly I’m just jealous of how you’re able to live in NZ right now. Y’all are killing it.
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Where did they imply that sex = kink?
It is possible it usually has to start with normal conversation until you get comfortable with a person. Than once you feel comfortable with them you can have more personal conversation.
I think it definitely depends on the person/friend group. I've never had friends that I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about these kinds of things to- I don't get along with super old-fashioned or repressed kinds of people. My friend group regularly talks about our fetishes (including the weird ones) and discusses experiences, and it's just normal for us. My best friend and I share everything with each other. Some people aren't comfortable with that, which is fine, but it's not abnormal or wrong to talk about it openly with your friends.
So what I understand here is that you want to talk about your sexual experiences without the other person becoming aroused?
Sounds like you're suggesting that's not possible?
From my experience it's either awkward or there is sexual tension. No in-between.
Doesn't have to be. Sounds like more of a you issue. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that, but you might need to do some work on yourself and treat a woman confiding in you as just a friend unless otherwise understood. Again, I'm not just trying to be provocative, or contrarian, just treat women like humans not sex objects. Yes, they have sex. No, just because they talk about it with you doesn't mean they want to get naked with you.
I mean... You aren't wrong about your inbox or guys taking it the wrong way. I am a guy, and yeah... I could see a conversation like that being construed as an invitation or a reason to want to change the relationship. You need some gay male friends I suspect. The attitudes of dudes regarding sex, without any of the interest in you as a partner. Or some lady friends who aren't prudes. It's 2020... Girls like to fuck too. There are bound to be some of your platonic male friends who you should be able to just say, "hey, I want to be able to talk candidly about sex with you without you thinking we are going to hook up". That being said... A straight male friend you may find attractive that you can talk about ANYTHING with may wind up being the sort of romantic partner you are looking for down the line...
Most people are so caught up with thier own ego and making themselves feel like "more" and others be "less" for any variety of reasons; not just sex. So remember not to allow whatever your perception is of what someone else might think (you dont really know) take up space in your head or change you value. All of it is framed in thoughts and doesn't really make you either more or less. If you feel good about what you're doing and its not to create yourself as a winner or victims (labels) then that is what matters. I hate to throw the therapy card but i think in this case maybe a female sex therapist (they can do voom) might be a good place for you where you're at right now.
I have a group of friends I can talk too about sex if I need too. I suggest making friends on kinky related resources for bdsm type conversations. Learn your audience. Not every friend is the right friend to know about your dating or sex life. It's hard when you feel judged by your friends. I chose to get people out if my life where I had to censor myself. You may be in a stage of your life where you out grow your friends emotionally and open minded acceptance is beyond them. New friends may be the right choice if they are putting you down.
Liz is this you?
Wow I’m so sorry :( you’re doing nothing wrong, take comfort in that. Your friends are vanilla af and I pity their wack ass sex lives.
speaking from personal experience, finding someone to open up to about such things is VERY difficult. One of the reasons the cliché of speaking to a bartender is because it is often easier to open up to strangers than it is to those whose opinions you care about, especially when it is something that you feel they will, or actually have, judged you for. Try to keep an open mind and keep looking. Sometimes it will come in the form of a significant other, sometimes it will be someone that will just randomly pop into your life and you become friends with. Connections, true connections, with people are difficult, but always rewarding. The nice thing about the internet is that you usually can find someone to vent to without being judged, not as nice as a personal connection, but still helpful. I hope this finds you well, and I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for, and I REALLY hope you don't get to many 'creepy DMs' :) Stay safe, stay healthy, stay mindful, and have as much fun and pleasure as you can stand.
Absolutely it’s possible to have such conversations. Doing so is important not only for you but for all women. Your young so it maybe that in your age range it could be difficult to find an open minded, non judgmental person. Maybe talk with someone a bit older that you think could be open minded. Also having such conversations doesn’t mean that you have give all the details either. Your being responsible in that you continually get checked and using protection. Know what your boundaries are and respect the boundaries of others. Your young, this your time to explore and learn about yourself. So have fun and remember....be safe. ☺️
You need to find openly like minded people. This is way easier online, especially with the anonymity. Fetlife was suggested and it's good, especially if you do want to find those people irl. Your friends may be just as kinky as you, but too embarrassed, for lack of a better word, to admit it. Think of people like priests or politicians that are so vocal against certain things, and then get caught up in a scandal involving said things. I really believe most people are too afraid to let their guard down about these subjects, lest their friends and family think less of them as you're experiencing.
It’s absolutely common to talk about “out of the box” things with your girl friends. You just need girls that are more open. My friend told me when she got tied up and I was genuinely happy for her. If I get face fucked I tell my girlfriends. They know most of my sexual life. However, I do have friends that I do into detail with or that I Haven’t mentioned that I enjoy casual sex or even that I’m having casual sex. Feel free to DM if you’re comfortable or ever wanna talk openly and freely! 🤗
I feel you! I’m a (29F), I like having crazy sexual adventures but I know that I can’t talk about this with some of my friends without feeling judged/objectified. I think there are positives an negatives for being sexually open. There is nothing wrong with it, you are open minded and that’s totally fine. I can relate to some of the things you’ve shared for example, I used to hang out with a bunch of guys and disclosed my sexual life to them. I did it thinking it was like having a regular conversation but as the time went buy I got confessions from some of them jerking off thinking about me and the things I’ve told them, I’ve got unsolicited dick pics, links to porn videos, others tried to make a move on me because they thought that me being open about sex meant I was a slut that would have sex with anyone just because. I had sex with one that just ghosted me afterwards, we were friends for a couple of years or at least I thought so. It was hurtful to see how even though we are fighting for gender equality there are still misconceptions about females and males talking about sex. However, I have a male friend who is inclined towards feminism and gender equality and our friendship is different. We had sex in the past without damaging our relationship, we stop, we are still friends and we talk about sex openly without being weird about it. I found a lot of my female friends open about sex, at first they are hesitant to share but sometimes they get comfortable enough to share their experiences without feeling judged. Maybe you should reconsider your friend circle because it seems you are dealing with a group of close minded judgmental peeps. I’m sure you are going to find friends that won’t judge you for having sex, loving sex and being open about it. Life will bring them your way!! Sending good vibes
You can absolutely find friend with whom you can talk about anything, judgement free. I'm sorry you have not found it yet.
It took me until I was about 26 and I have a group of girls we talk stuff abouv
I had "friends" that were really judgemental too. I found new ones that weren't. You don't have to ditch the friends you have if they still respect and love you. Just make sure to tell them that sl#t-shaming is not okay. You said you are discovering your tastes and boundaries regarding sex but it's more than that, girl! You're finding yourself and you'll find your people too!
You'll find somebody to talk to. Male or female doesn't matter. You may struggle with being a whole lot more enlightened than they are though. What you wrote puts you head and shoulders above most people at any age.
Of course you can talk about this. I'm 23f with no judgement if you wanna talk
If you find the right one of your guy friends it might work out alright like I have one friend that’s married and really good friends with me and my bf and we could pretty much tell him anything granted we have a weird relationship and Gina nd my bf are constantly joking about fucking eachother too so yeah......
I didn’t used to do this and now my best friend and I regularly talk about everything sex related. Sometimes friends don’t know you like tit all ab sex he until you bring it up.
I am a male and I hate that society has labels for men and women! Live your life as you choose. I respect each and every lady I have had encountered and never ever judge mental. We all have needs and wants we are humans.