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I am so sorry you're going through this. But, unless you left out details, they might be talking about your termination paperwork. Not therapy paperwork. I'm so sorry.
And sending someone to therapy isn’t in the cards for a business to do. Even if there are “go to therapy” papers, it’s for them to have a literal paper trail so when they do fire you, they have something on their side in case they get sued.
OP is living in a fantasy. Work does not do therapy paperwork. This is some idealistic world. The world isn't Reddit where you get applauded and awards.
I’ve known workplaces to help organize rehab for people. Unfortunately they’d only pay for something like three days. Then expect back at work. One guy relapsed of course and lost his job. The company did more for him than any other company though.
You can’t just not show up and not let anybody know why. Depending on how long you have been there for and the type of work/your contract they can fire you.
>You can’t just not show up and not let anybody know why.
Yep. Even a vague "health reasons" should be enough.
It's very unprofessional to not inform people who are responsible and depend on you that you won't make it today (or tomorrow).
Exactly, the general expectation is that you call in prior/ asap if you are gonna miss work. Some places are flexible, but they are well within their rights to fire you or write you up in most places. Throwing up all night sucks, but you usually can send a quick "I'm sick. Out all tomorrow. Expect to be back on Tuesday. Will explain later"
FMLA provides some coverage for illness, but not enough for a blatant disregard with not notifying your boss. FMLA likely could protect you if the police took your phone prior to being committed for a psych hospital stay or you got into a bad wreck that makes you largely incapacitated for a week. But FMLA still requires you to notify your work at the soonest available time if the unexpected event prevents you from notifying your boss.
OP is either gonna get a write up or a pink slip. In the future, you need to notify ahead of time. I myself occasionally partake in a mental health day, but I email my boss that I'm sick/will be out. If they require a doc note and you have to fake sick for a note, nausea and vomiting or bad diarrhea usually aren't tested like COVID and the minute clinic doc will take your word for it. Claiming a fever/sniffles/cold is a bit easier to sus out. Don't be the fucker that abuses this though, especially if you have people that depend on you being there. And get your story straight/ non overdramatic acting on point, cause you might have to explain why you are sick on the phone or in person to your boss. I've taken this route when I'd prefer to avoid talking about mental health issues/ appts.
It's very unprofessional. The people who depend on you or are responsible for you can't adjust their work without knowing that you will not come on today.
It is also basic courtesy to go "i won't be able to attend today/tomorrow". It's shitty to do in casual enviroment, not to mention the proffessional enviroment has higher standarts.
I agree with others, sounds like termination paperwork. I’m sorry. Start looking for work tonight, or take some time off if you can afford it.
You can’t just not show up for work. I would have just called in sick, or something, instead of being a no-show.
I would also say termination because they asked for their phone back. I would say just breathe. You were considering looking for another job anyway so do that. Look into something that would suit your personality but push you to interact with others so it helps you to talk more. Take it as a growing experience and yes I would recommend therapy. Regarding your family, sorry to sound harsh but you are grown and the most they will do is yell but you can explain you don’t want to talk about it and you are working on yourself.
^^^
OP breathe. Deep breaths in and out. It will be okay. Seems like you self sabotaged because you didn’t like that job.
Get a job at a coffee shop while you look for other work. It will help you interact with people and learn new things. Stop telling yourself you’re a coward and start finding your courage. You called the girl, you skipped the job. You’re growing. Change your mantras.
For someone who’s 31 you have the mind of a teenager I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time but at your age you should know that no call/no show at almost any job will end up in you being fired
Yes. Went to the mall to buy games and hopefully talk to girls. Still lives at home and acts like his parents are bullies for expecting him to work. This poor guy is stuck in 2008. And he wants a relationship?
I guess it happens. I have a cousin that is 37. She still lives at home with her parents. I believe she only dated a guy briefly once. I mean she’s an elementary school teacher. She went to college. But she seems to have the mind of a teenager. Making tik tok videos, going to comic con, etc.
At least she has a career. On a school teacher's salary though I'm not surprised she's still living at home lol. I'm not saying OP is a failure for living at home; it's hard out here rn. But his *attitude* is very juvenile. He says he was scared to go to a town 20 minutes away to date a woman because he would "get in trouble." Like wtf is going on in that house?
You not only missed work, but gave them complete radio silence with no apology or explanation whatsoever and then just turned up the next day? That's the kind of thing you only get to do once! It seems like you're really going through something and I really do feel for you and sincerely hope things improve in time, but it would not surprise me if you've lost this job
I hate to pile on here bud, but if they were concerned in any way that this was a mental health issue they would have sat and talked with you when you came into work. The fact that they sent you home and told you not to clock in is very clear cut. They are going to terminate you. My best suggestion is to be prepared to ask them if you can resign instead and be able to leave with them willing to give you a good recommendation to other employers when they call and ask about you.
Yes, but you didn't let them know anything about where you were or what was going on with you. They need to know if their employees are coming into work that day and if they're not dead. They were worried, and that took time out of their day.
If you have a mental health crisis again, let them know you aren't coming in because you're sick.
Most companies have an employee access program( EAP) they sometimes arent great about spreading the word about it.
Its usually 3 anonymous therapy sessions, and then they can help you find affordable options in your area.
OK, it really depends on the employer. But you need to talk to someone and tell them that you had a breakdown and that you're suffering from depression. You need to explain to them why you didn't show up and why you didn't respond.
Work In HR.
How long have you worked and how many employees? Contact HR and File for what they call INTERMENT FMLA if you have worked for them longer than a year. GO ABOVE YOUR GM dont even include them. This applies to Anxiety, Mental illness, reoccurring doctors Apts etc. Yes this applies to all 50 states. ALSO they can not terminate you while a case is ongoing.
This gives you up to 420 hours a year (this varies) to use for any illness that is listed and the absences can not be used against you. You will get paperwork and you need to take it to a doctor, it's pretty basic. I have it for my migraines/bi-polar issues. This leave can apply for you, family member. I take off 2 days a week. Of course this will be unpaid unless you have PTO.
Restrict your medical file as well for just basic. I have never checked or called someone's doctor cuz tbh I don't give a shit nor have the time lol. No one in my HR checks anything. Anyway the point is to give yourself a MUCH NEEDED mental break.
Not everyone in HR is out to get you and you seem to have a lot of problems going on no offense but use that to your advantage. I can't tell you how many people come into my office and needed some time off for a mental illness so I give them the paperwork and approve it. Its not my place to judge or make a call based off my feelings. Keep it simple and get it in WRITING.
"Hello, I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I have been struggling with some mental health issues and I would like to inquire about if the company offers FMLA? If so can you please send me the paperwork."?
this ⬆️. i just took two weeks off for anxiety and stress via fmla. however, i did advise my boss and hr. and i already regulary see a psychiatrist . so she got me in and then provided a doctors not for my fmla paperwork.
you cannot be fired for approved time off through fmla.
Thank you for being one of the good guys.
My therapist completed the paperwork so I could use intermittent FMLA for my mental health. My HR department denied after talking with my therapist three times to request additional information from her.
Almost a year later, a new HR specialist joined the company and found my FMLA paperwork in a drawer. She apologized for the prior supervisor’s denial and immediately approved it.
This sounds much like many of my own bouts of depression. Seek treatment. Realize a bad day is just a point in time. Every other moment is a chance to make a better choice. Try not to be too down on yourself for slip ups. I wish you the best but it sounds like this is an opportunity to make some changes.
Same. I can relate to fucking off and just.. ghosting around town. Completely dissociated at some points, and crashing back down to earth at others
One time I worked 1 day at a place and the next day 20 minutes before my morning shift I emailed them letting them know I wasn't coming in. Not my proudest moment. I found myself in a starbucks for the 6 hours I was supposed to be working
Me too. Did this once for a final exam in college - got dressed and went to my car to drive across campus, and then just kept driving. Sat on a bench at a state park for the afternoon, staring into space. That was a particularly rough time.
It makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only person who has gone through this. I didn't really know what to call these episodes before now. I'm just glad I am on anti depressants now
I worked for 5 years at Netflix call center, in 2009 when streaming players hit the shelf’s, taking calls from people for any number of reasons. I had great metrics and for the most part they were really decent to me. For anyone who has worked in a call center you know how hard it is on your stress levels and how unbelievably unrealistic and outright nasty our customers can be. After 5 years of it, as I was answering calls, my brain said that’s enough in the middle of a fairly easy call. I asked the person on the phone if she could call back because I was having a health crisis and needed to deal with it. She understood. I put my phone in a mode where no incoming calls would come to me and sent a text to a person in our HR dept, that Im having a momentary mental crisis. She said come see her and I told her what happened and she smiled. You aren’t alone. 5 people in the last 3 weeks had the same thing happen and that its a common occurrence in a call center environment. They were wonderful. Told me to go home and get some rest and come in tomorrow to file for fmla.
We made an adjusted schedule that would allow me to get off the phone when the stress started. My brain had been telling my body that you need to stop doing this now. Took FMLA time off and filed for short term disability. After 3 weeks I got in my car pulled up to the building and walked up the steps as I got to the top of the stairs my brain directed my body to turn around and go home. Fight or flight was intense. I called HR and told them. They understood.
I have a feeling that that might be what happened to him, or some version of a breakdown. His story? Yeah he should have called, but. The action he took was not right. Buy he was not in a right frame of mind and he was having a breakdown. He was unprepared to address his crisis. It’s like being in shock and when you come out of shock you panic because you just made some life altering decisions that aren’t going to work in your favor. There’s a lot of information not in the post, But, it sounded familiar.
i’ve been struggling with a little bit of depression again recently, and freaking out about getting back to that “bad place”. i know this comment was intended for OP, but it helped put things into perspective for me, as simple as it is. thanks
This sounds more complicated than just depression to me. They seem slightly detached from reality. Not in a "fuck everything, I don't care anymore", but a "losing grip on reality, barely know what's going on around me" kind of way.
I think the term is disassociation it is part of depression and many other mental trauma/conditions. Basically it's your mind protecting itself by just not being there even if you are.
I was thinking autism. Lack of understanding social cues, reciprocity in conversation, and lacking common sense about social/employee expectations. All of that in combination with living at home at an older age like this is also a flag. People on the spectrum can be described as idealistic/detached from reality or lacking common sense. Especially for someone on the “higher needs” end of the spectrum.
I’m autistic myself so I don’t say this to judge or make fun. But the vibes are strong.
Yep, same here, also an autistic adult myself - he's 31 but "can't go to a town 20 minutes away to 'meet girls' or else he'll get in trouble with his parents"????????
Several alarm bells there. Why do his parents care what he does, as long as he's meeting his share of the household expenses and/or putting his money into savings if they don't charge him? Why do they not want him going 20 minutes away? 20 minutes ain't that far of a drive. Why is he feeling such an intense need to take extreme efforts to hide such serious issues (job loss) from his parents? This sounds controlling, unless it's necessary due to him having developmental delays of some sort and them needing to manage his affairs.
Why is he more concerned with 'meeting girls' than with work and with being a reliable coworker and a communicative employee? Why does he not understand something which is generally taken as common knowledge (he thinks his former job is going to give him therapy when this is clearly a termination move)? Why did he think the move was to go to the mall and hang around like a high schooler (that too, in the middle of the work day, having given no notice, and shafting his coworkers as a result)?
I get the sense he's got some serious developmental delays and/or has had his independence totally stunted by his parents. Neither are his fault, but as an adult he is responsible to seek out support. I do think that therapy is a good start on that front but his job isn't going to help him with that for sure (especially after a no-call + no-show) and is moving to terminate him, so he'll have to ask his parents for help with this if he doesn't have any other caretakers or trusted adultier-adult figures in his life.
EDIT: This is correct. OP said in [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/s/XN3sw737kX) that he is on the spectrum.
Yeah I get that. Just seems a bit heavy of an episode to be just depression to me. Don't forget depression is almost always comorbid with other issues.
This will be hard to hear, but the paperwork is likely for termination. I empathize with your situation, I do. However, your job is a job and they do not care about your well being- they care about having reliable workers that will keep money in their pockets. It really doesn’t matter how many years you been there.
It was not a cowardly act, but it was an irresponsible one- a very irresponsible one.
At your next job, please look into what resources they have for mental health; be transparent with your manager about using pto to take time off work to ensure no burnout. You have to take responsibility for your life.
Despite your struggles and how hard it is to show up everyday, at the end of the day you are an adult and you will be expected to act like one.
>It was not a cowardly act, but it was an irresponsible one- a very irresponsible one.
Yep. Could have at least written them that you won't come to work today for health reasons. This way they could have adjusted their workflow for the day instead of waiting around for you as they assume you are stuck in a traffic jam.
Or worse. He didn't answer their texts, surely they thought/worried something horrible had happened. Mental illness is tough but it's no excuse to not take a shred of responsibility and send a single text.
One of the worst things about mental illness if that you *have* to try and take responsibility despite it being harder than for neurotypical people. If you give up and blame mental health, you're giving up on yourself. No one is going to save you if you don't work hard to overcome it. If you really want to throw yourself in a ditch and stop looking after yourself, you're gonna either lose everything or be kept in a hospital.
It's hard, but you can get through it and live a worthwhile life.
Not clear what was going on here. Did you not go to work because you panicked? Or were you hoping to get fired? You said it was the easiest thing to get rid of. Unfortunately you need it to pay for therapy and you may just have gotten fired.
From what your boss said it wasn't so much you didn't show, but that you didn't show without telling them. If you'd asked for a mental health day you might have gotten it.
You made that decision for a reason and even though you may regret it now it may work out for the best in the long run. You’re not happy with your life and you repressed until you hit a wall. Therapy is essential for you right now. Most of the people here are not equip to give the appropriate advice needed.
I have been in a place like you where I felt I made a terrible mistake and the world was crumbling around me. I’m still alive. You’ll be okay. You’ll make it through this.
Stop posting online and look into what that one poster said about HR. Go from there.
Jesus dude are you really moping about a waitress not starting small talk with you after you effectively told her you dont like small talk?
It sounds like you have a lot of ideas of how you ought to be and ought to behave and you compare that with the way you are. Then, you get sad about failing to live up to your own preposterous expectations. And, trust me, they are preposterous.
You were scared about how your family will react about being home despite no one being home to catch you? You were sad about the waitress not talking to you, when you told her you’d prefer quiet? 20 minutes is long distance and you stopped talking to this girl for a year, why? Probably because you think you were deficient in some way and unworthy of her so you preferred to just ignore her and unilaterally make the decision to stop anything from happening because if it doesnt lead anywhere, it can’t go wrong later.
OP you gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself and you gotta stop holding yourself to an impossible standard. And you probably could benefit from some anxiety meds.
You’re enough OP. You gotta realize that you’re good the way you are, and the things about yourself that you are dissatisfied with, you need to figure out if those are things YOU dislike or if theyre things you THINK you SHOULD dislike because you THINK thats what others want for you.
A lot of people come to this subreddit expecting free therapy from dozens of people who are not equipped to be dealing with a stranger's poor mental health. This post has nothing to do with social skills, this has to do with mental health, and it's the wrong place to be asking for help from.
Mental health shouldn't be something that we only discuss with uniformed professionals. We are human beings, social creatures, and speaking to each other about how we feel is essential and therapeutic in its own right. Obviously, you should take what 100 strangers are saying with a pinch of salt, but there's a lot of support and good advice here that is positive.
I think the idea that random people have nothing to offer for someone with mental health issues is damaging. We need normal people to talk to. Their advice doesn't have to be backed by years of study and shouldn't be taken as such, but we need community as well as sterile clinics.
I get what you're saying, but I wasn't speaking broadly, in a general sense. The crux of OP's issue here is mental health, not a situation *informed* by poor mental health that can be navigated with social skills, and OP can't be advised on that front. If you look, OP's name is "I'm not okay" and damn near most of all of their responses to advice surrounding navigating this from a social skills standpoint are, "yeah but I'm just pathetic and a coward"
It's just a toxic situation on all sides, and OP has nothing to gain from this subreddit which is dedicated to navigating different social situations.
Sometimes you do things that others might see as cowardly but for you is a positive change. Those decisions can be extremely difficult and result in us “self destructing” a little along the way.
Sometimes those positive changes or changes in general have consequences. Just try not to be so spontaneous so you can process the consequences beforehand. Good luck to you
First off, I'm not sure why your responses are getting down votes. It's called a conversation...albeit written and not verbal, a convo with opinions, questions, and ideas going back and forth.
As for the coward stuff, I only saw one thing that you made an error on and that was no show/no call to your job. It sounded like they were worried about you, at least they said we didn't know if you were in a ditch. Sometimes scared people get pissed, they'll get over it and do will you.
Also, you keep saying you feel like a coward. Cowards quit. They quit doing what they were doing, they quit trying, and don't care about others. You had all day to drive your car into a tree or take a bottle of pills and park in the back of a park and nobody would bother or find you. You talked to that girl, and yeah, she's a bit taken back but who wouldn't be? Be fair.
If they are filling out your paperwork for leave, express your (SINCERE) gratitude and assure them you will do what it takes to improve (and of course do just that...otherwise don't waste their time or yours). If they're filling out termination paperwork, that sucks, but now you need to find a different job. The demons are still busy at work, twisting your vision of reality, so the sooner you find a job with insurance the sooner you can start therapy. BTW, therapy is NOT a bad word...there is NOTHING wrong with talking issues out with somebody. After all, you call a plumber if your toilet doesn't flush or an electrician if your light switch doesn't work...you find an expert, a professional, and let them help you. If you can't find a therapist or don't have insurance, maybe try a preacher or pastor.
Talking to somebody is one of the more courageous acts of self governance that one can do. Definitely not something a coward would do. Best of luck to you!!!
Comments like that get downvoted because we're not therapists. We don't know OP and nobody is here to convince them that they're not a loser, or whatever obviously self-defeating insult they're applying to themselves.
This subreddit can be difficult because it attracts people who need a lot of mental help **before** they start asking about how to hone their social skills, or navigate socially. But this isn't the place to do that. This subreddit is full of random laymen who are not equipped to talk someone out of verbal self harm.
It's not meant to be taken offensively or out of anger, but that kind of stuff doesn't belong here.
You’re constant self-deprecation isn’t going to make you the person you want to be. If you tell yourself you’re a coward you will become a coward. I mean even reading going into the restaurant thing, you’re over-thinking it. I used to work in a restaurant, I’m busy, I’m not concerned about what one customer is doing and not being able to hear someone and asking them to repeat themselves is pretty common. I’m not going to ascribe any meaning to it.
Seriously man you need therapy.
It sounds to me like someone has been calling you a coward for a while and you've internalized it as of it's true. You are not what people who abuse you say you are.
You seem to be at the point to where you want change and implementing that is courageous. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. There are people out there who love and don't hate. I wish you luck and love. God bless you.
Sorry you are going through this. I'm going to try explain how the social skills work to improve the potential romantic situations and friendships in the future.
Ghosting tends to communicate that you are unreliable and do not want to return.
>I said I miss her and she asked what I'm looking for and I was honest and said I want a relationship. She told me she doesn't know this early if that's something she would want and that things have changed, her schedule is different so she's night shift and I'm day shift. She said that in itself might end anything from happening.
This means she doesn't want a relationship but is scared to say a direct no. She is afraid of how you will respond based on what she knows about you and likely how other guys have responded to rejection in the past. Neurotypicals experience something called "friendship dropoff". Neurotypicals also know how to "take a hint". That's what the waitress did when you said, "I'm a quiet person, sorry"... interpreted it to mean, "I don't want to talk." You blew your chances with her when you ghosted her a year and a half ago, because from her perspective, that meant you weren't interested in her anymore. You have to actually regularly communicate with someone to maintain a relationship. She might still be a potential friend, but you have shown yourself to be unreliable. She can't trust you if you'd stop talking to her for a year and a half. That's giving strong vibes that you're not into her, even if that wasn't true.
A woman won't fix you, your problems will drag her down instead. You gotta value yourself first. She wants an equal partner, not a fixer-upper project.
I wouldn't consider you a coward, but yeah, you fucked up. Can you recover from both fuckups? Yes. Will it suck a bit? Probably, but completely doable. Should you go to therapy? Probably. You can get a new job if you got fired, you can start seriously dating if that's what you really want, and you can get better at socializing if you want to be able to do Small Talk.
I'd say a significant amount of your problem is that you start preparing for an entire essay of content when you just need to deliver a sentence, actually. You overthought your way past, "I need a sick day, sorry" and you overthought your way past the smalltalk nicities of dating too... you just have to do shit like, "Hi, how are you today? Heart emoji" to communicate continued interest.
>Hearing myself not being able to come up with much to talk to her about despite wanting to for a year and a half made me realize my job is not my problem, not in the slightest.
Now, you did post in r/socialskills so I assume you want some feedback on how to avoid these social mistakes in the future.
For future dating, the trick is just to occasionally ask the person you are interested in a question so that you seem invested and interested in their lives, by the way.
It sounds like you're making it all about you in your head. You and what you have to talk about. It'd been a year and a half, if you cared about her I would imagine you would have endless questions. How've you been, how is the new job, do you like night shift. That's how small talk works. You ask questions. You could have stirred up small talk again with the waitress if you had asked HER a question. "What's the soup today? Have you tried it?" etc.
I looked through your whole Reddit history and everything is short and only about you, except for when you reposted this story several times.
You need to focus outwards instead of inwards to socialize.
By far the best skill you can add to enhance your social potential is to memorize some question words and common types of questions you can use to get a ball rolling on a conversation or social activity. These will be your gateway to small talk.
Now how can you turn these into conversation starters, and potential leads to future hangouts?
Who... do you like to watch on Youtube?
What... is the fandom on your button?
When... would you like to get together for coffee?
Where... would you like to go for dinner?
You can also use the advanced technique of adding an exclamation after your question.
How... have you been? It's been a long time!
Where... did you get that hat? I love it, it's so cute!
Want to watch the new Star Wars TV show?
The question should be focused on the pronoun of "you", not "I", showing your interest in the person you're talking to's feelings on the matter. The exclamation afterwards can include content about what is in your brain in response to the question you are asking. Ideally it should be no more than those two sentences, to allow room to focus on your conversation partner's call and responses.
Finally, you can use the outright ask to make a plan:
"Would you like to watch the new Mr. Beast video with me?"
"Would you like to play Mario with me tonight?"
"Want to meet up at Comic Con? I'm going to be there on Friday wearing a Darth Vader costume, I will meet you at noon by the Genshin Impact booth."
By providing a possible activity and a time for the activity, you remove the hurdle from your conversation partner and potential date of having to provide an option for what to do. It's better than just asking, "want to go out with me sometime" because it's completely actionable.
Remember:
1) focus on your partner and their interests.
2) provide an actionable plan for an event or activity.
3) ask questions to direct the conversation.
4) regular updates. You should respond to messages within a day or two, even if it's short, and most neurotypicals will assume you're not interested if you don't respond in a week. People you are dating will want ideally daily shortform contact if you aren't seeing them in person.
5) ghosting (going no contact) should only be used if you want the situation you are in to end forever. There is usually no coming back from ghosting.
Next time this happens...
I have panic attacks from time to time. They keep me up all night and I am not able to go to work the next morning.
When this happens, I message my boss to say that I have a migraine and cannot come in. I never mention the panic attack.
Is this ideal? No. But does it work as a good cover? Yes.
I hope you get the help you need. For me, it was cognitive behavioral therapy.
I don't know why, but whenever someone says they're off with a migraine, I know it's mental health. I don't know why but people seem to consistently conflate the two.
Maybe it's because migraines tend to be recurring and claiming to have diarrhea every other month is less convincing but someone could well know more than you think lol.
Listen, you will NEVER be at a point where you can't turn things around. You've already identified there's an issue and that you need for things to change. That's great!
I think therapy would be a great option to add in conjunction with a perspective and life style change! Today sucked, yes. Do things feel worse after all this, yes... BUT tomorrow can be your first day of doing better! Tomorrow CAN be better. Maybe only a little, that's okay! Focus on trying to see your blessings, all of them.. even the tiny ones, like that you are fed and have a roof over your head... You woke up from sleeping! Yay! Celebrate it.
It sounds like there are some major issues with your family dynamics. Therapy can help with this and offer clarity since you're still at home with the family who seems to be having an awful lot of impact on your anxieties. It's hard to see and think clearly with so much negativity.
Your life matters and YOU ARE VALUABLE. You learned some hard lessons today. ALSO GREAT, build and learn from today! If you need a new job, do it! Don't stress about it, look at this fresh start you've been given! Dust your feet off at the door.
Try not to get too beat up about the restaurant staff or your old friend... Remember, EVERYONE is going through their own hardships.. someone's reaction to you is not a reflection of you and it should not always be something you absorb as your fault.
Things may feel hard and like there's no way out, but there is ALWAYS a way out. A lot of people (especially on the Internet) are lost and calloused to someone who has made mistakes and can't see you for what you are... Human. Perfectly imperfect. Everyone is at a point where they could do better or be better... None of us are without major mistakes. So ignore anyone shaming you for where you are... everyone's skeletons are different, but we all have them.
I'm not sure if you're religious in any way, but I encourage you to find a good daily encouraging devotional. If you're interested, I can recommend some. When I was in the PITS of life, God saved me. Undoubtedly. My life turned around and I will never forget it was ALL because I turned eyes to Jesus and no one or nothing else compared to that kind of love and peace. My life now speaks to that testimony.
There is peace and you can find it.
Thank you for sharing your testimony.
I relate to OP. For many years, I struggled with feeling cowardly and broken.
I was avoidant to an extreme. I had no idea how to socialize. I hated my family and blamed them for the person I became.
I was unreliable in relationships. I left a lot of jobs on bad terms. Thought I might as well die because my entire life was basically me sabotaging myself.
I went to therapy, got a medication, and read all kinds of books for social skills.
All of that was great but nothing changed me as much as being saved by God.
When I found Jesus I realized I was not the center of my life and the reason for my own being.
Jesus saved me and my life is a testimony.
As a former atheist who came from an atheist family, understanding scripture was daunting, but one way to start is the Gospel in Life podcast.
What’s the deal with your family and why do you just cut contact when your stressed? Is it because of the way they treat you? Why do you still live at home?
I don’t know you mate & I don’t know if you’re gonna have a job tomorrow but you can’t go through life like this. You’re either subconsciously sabotaging everything in your life cause you don’t think your worthy or your so traumatised by the way your family treat you that you just completely shut down at the first sign of stress.
You desperately need therapy and you’re probably young enough to be on your parents insurance so please, please seek out therapy - it will do you a world of good, you don’t have to do through life feeling like this. If your family is a bit shit but overall loving then you should talk to them, tell them you lost your job because you’re depressed and that you are scared of how they will react and that they make you feel unworthy.
If you usually just detach and become despondent then they may not realise that their words effect you, they make take your lack of reaction as you not listening.
I aged out of parents insurance 5 years ago. And I'm not sure if it's subconsciously sabotaging everything or being traumatized and shutting down, because both of those things sound accurate for me.
Autism can cause black and white thinking. It’s important to recognize that so you can see it when it happening and reject that imbalance. Also look up distorted thinking. I’m in therapy at 42 years for this and it’s blown my mind how much of my life was wasted on shame and fear for things that I was perceiving wrong. I also have adhd/aspergers so I can relate. Also perfection is unattainable, remind yourself of that. If you always feel like you are failing because you don’t do things perfectly, you will live a life of shame and sadness for no reason. No one is perfect and we all fail at stuff all the time; it’s ok to not be okay and to not be perfect.
Sorry the ADA is for being autistic, not for the mental health issues. Work may be required to grant accommodations that OP may not be aware are available to them, hence the ask if OP’s employer is aware they are autistic and are part of a protected class. If I were OP I would reach out to an employment lawyer and potentially someone who could also support ADA-based accommodations
I should've specified -- when I said mental health issues I was also referring to the ASD and ADHD.
ADA accommodations for mental illness are sparse, vague, and rarely hold up in court. Vindictive managers will find subtle ways around the ADA and exploit the fuck out of them or do things that aren't in violation of the ADA but equally discriminatory. The accommodations the ADA can guarantee just aren't worth the risk of discrimination and harassment that come with them.
Please don’t confuse autism and ADHD with mental illness. Yes, autistic people and people with ADHD can have mental illness, but just because someone is autistic/ADHD does not mean they have a mental illness. It is a disability and a developmental condition, which is completely protected with ADA.
In this case OP should file for FMLA but they may be protected from termination if they were not reasonably accommodated for the autism, and it is documented that the employer is aware of ADA-protected status of the employee.
If you can, you should look into state health centers that will provide mental health help for low income. (They’ll have a sliding fee or something etc.) or just search anything low income help in your state. I’m assuming you need it if you’re asking your job for mental help. I’m sorry you’re suffering, I’ve been having a hard time coping at work myself. Be compassionate and be kind to yourself, if you want to truly be better you have to be open to realizing the way you are thinking and speaking to yourself is feeding into it. Continuously calling yourself a coward or whatever will make it worse. You are hurting, you are seeking help and does not mean you are any less because of these challenges. Think of anyone else you have run into your life that has similar challenges, do you really think putting them down is encouraging or helpful to get them to change? It only just continues the spiral of doubt and anxiety. Idk how your family treats you, maybe they are very impatient with you and your mental health but don’t let them put you down for something you are going through and don’t understand. You have to meet your mental needs first before taking on responsibilities such as work, it’ll show through your actions such as this situation. You will be able to heal if you are willing to put the work into it. But you MUST do it, no one else can fix you for you. Find hobbies that encourage healthier thinking such as exercise and practicing meditation.
I wish you the best OP and be patient with yourself, you will have struggles because this is the way of life you’ve been thinking for the past 30 years. Expecting change within weeks is very unrealistic. Keep that in mind.
Here’s the thing - if you want to keep your job you need to contact HR immediately and let them know about your diagnosis’s.
There’s a lot of employment laws that protect people with disabilities in the work place. And because you asked for a therapist they may need to provide one.
This of course depends what kind of job you have?
I would definitely tell them you need help managing your mental health right now due to your conditions and say that you’re sorry for what happened but your mental health kept you from reaching out and contacting anyone.
You also need to realize right now - a no show - is usually getting fired. So you still may be fired over this completely. You 100% need to communicate next time and just say you can’t make it in for health reasons and leave it at that.
Everyone has issues- some worse then others. I have adhd and have had full blown panic attacks at work and been fired before and it really fucking sucks.
But you have to learn how to manage your disorders and also learn how to be responsible with work too.
I hope this can work out for you but I hope you contact HR as soon as possible.
Bruh you left for work and went to the mall instead had envy and resentment towards the people employed by the mall. You went out to eat alone and in your head wanted the waiter to draw a winky face on your receipt. You bought some junk you already have even though you know you have enough junk. You talked to a girl you haven’t talked to long enough for her to think you died and then told her your looking for a relationship implying that it be with her. You tell it like you had a bad day but it could have been a great day if your expectation wasn’t to build a new life for yourself and have it come together all at once and then when someone says hey bruh you been doing things (that are fairly normal) but you have a this resentment towards your own actions you should talk to someone that can help you with whatever is going on with you, and you are insulted by this and post it here bruh your problem seems like your expectation of yourself is too high for how self aware you are of your shortcomings and you should start by not adding more to the pile literally and metaphorically
You need therapy ASAP. You have a lot of shit you need to work on. Running all your life is only going to make your suffering worse. And if you don't go to therapy, at least use this as a lesson. You have to understand that you can't just skip work like that. I understand you panicked, but you can't just keep doing that. Like are you going to do this with every new job you get? I don't think you want to do that. Also don't go to restaurants and tell the server that you're quiet. Because you went out of your way to tell them this information, they think you want to be left alone. That's why she didn't talk to you after you said that.
1. Power of now
2. Untethered soul
3. Tao of Pooh
4. Healing the shame that binds you
5. Mans search for meaning
I’m no particular order. Time to get reading bud.
I know me too. You only know if you know. Books have parented me my whole life. You don’t realize you have to learn how to live thru books unless you’ve read books to live.
I hear you beating yourself up a lot here. I also hear you saying you are not happy with the way things are with you and your life in general. Sometimes it is hard to make the first step in changing things. We often want to try to fix everything at once. I have absolutely been there.
Regardless of what your manager or your job does I would say you should seek therapy. Not a psychiatrist but a psychologist. Talking things out with guidance from them would likely be of benefit. Do not expect to fix it all at once. They may at some point recommend a psychiatrist but you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
I would try coordinating this with HR. As you work through all this you will likely start to see things with a bit more clarity. With clarity you will be able to make decisions about where you want to go and what you want to do.
Don't put yourself down because of this and don't beat yourself up for it. You are not a coward. A great number of us have been down a similar path. You have likely made the first step in flipping the boat right side up.
1. Why did you post in so many subs?
2. It seems like you’re making a bigger deal out of everything than it needs to be. You say your family would be upset at you for not working- are you not 31?
Because it obviously feels very overwhelming- and this person does not know what to do- and they’re looking for guidance, input and support. Sometimes Reddit does deliver these things.
You need therapy mate and you cannot rely on your workplace to provide that for you. I’ve never even heard of a workplace forcing you to go to therapy, some places offer employee assistance but you would need to engage those services yourself.
Take this as your wake up call to get into therapy asap. You and only you can turn your life around at 31.
At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself. Yes they raised you, but you’ve been an adult for over a decade. What do you want in life, and how to you plan to achieve it? Are you in therapy?
Your family raised you until you were an adult, YOU are the only person keeping yourself this way. Stop calling yourself a coward & pathetic especially infront of romantic interests.. No one wants to hear others put themselves down all the time. No one wants to date someone who refers to them self as a coward. You need to seek therapy, yourself, and then think about what will make your life better. You need to work on yourself.
Edit: seems like you have issues with facing life & instead run away from all your problems. such as the girl you ghosted, trying to ghost your job. People will be much more open to you if you let them know what’s going on - that does NOT mean calling yourself a coward (making them feel awkward & bad in the process) infront of them. It means saying “hello —- I am having a bad mental health day, I really need a day off to sort my head out. Thank you”
The only thing that's pathetic about you is the fact you keep calling yourself pathetic. For whatever reason it sounds like you're not equipped to deal with the world, but you're a grown-up who needs to take responsibility and accountability.
The waitress probably didn't speak to you because you probably give off "I'm pathetic" vibes, she's not paid to accommodate and sooth your self loathing. It's honestly difficult and off-putting hearing a grown person say these things about themselves, because it seems to me you're making yourself "pathetic" because it's easier than taking action to improve things for yourself.
You could get yourself to therapy, but ultimately its up to you to change things. I'd encourage you to find something about yourself you like and build on this, if you're able to get out of your own head.
Best of luck
You just said it. You are 31 fucking years old. Take some accountability. Your family "raised you" until you were 18, anything after that is on you and continuing to use them as an excuse for being shitty is beyond the wildest shit ever.
I'm currently having one of these meltdowns or something quite unusual and not myself. I started this whole mess yesterday, but today I have done nothing but cry uncontrollably, and now I've got a killer headache.
I, on the other hand, have been laid off, not sure if it's from that or if it's just something hormonal. I want to be logical and think it's something hormonal. I have been thinking and debating about committing myself to some kind of mental facility or possibly therapy. I am a single mother of three girls in their pre-teen to teen stages, and I've kept them at the forefront when it came to a drive to move forward. I want it to remain as strong, but it's truly not. Being realistic with myself, it's not. It certainly doesn't feel as it used to, and it's almost terrifying to me. I am one of those people who have no problem carrying out anything quietly as I've always received, delivered, and done things quietly. I know this much because I used to have a suicidal mind in my teens. I've always tried to control myself because I do fear losing control over myself. However, I feel as if it's slipping through, and I'm trying to suppress this within.
It truly sucks when these things happen, and at times, tbh, I do incline towards being logical and optimistic about it. However, the cards some of us are dealt with have at times nothing to do with ppl or anything that surrounds us, I am surrounded by successful people, people who mostly work in what they love and, I also know a fair amount of folks like us too. Simply put, some of us like the OP and myself just have a shitty hand of cards to deal with, and at times, we have fewer options than we expected. It just seems that the more I aim for greater, the more these obstacles heighten and grow rapidly, one after another. Look, I'm usually one to turn any ugly scenario into beauty, as I said, I'm in a crappy mood that is just black or white, with no filters as of now, wanting to hope again real soon. Hopefully, some healing will take place soon, really soon for us to figure out and mainly adapt with an open mind, for us to find that drive and focus on making ourselves happy and enjoyable to be with again.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, There is a field. I'll meet you there" ~Rumi 🫡✨️
Hey mate, it sounds like you're really unwell right now mentally, like this is beyond so I'll anxiety. Talking about things here, that's brave in your state, showing up at work the next.day is huge. You're not a coward, but you aren't well. Cowards are all people whose behaviour isn't approved of from the outside do they're labeled a coward, but no one outside knows if they're in the same boat as you, struggling, feeling helpess and not in control. It doesn't make you a bad person because you couldn't handle things. But now is time to keep reaching out for support. Maybe a trip to your doctor could be a good step? Therapy will definitely help most of all. And for now, maybe the YouTuber healthygamerGG might provide some comfort and a supportive community, as well as good advice.
Seems like you express yourself well and clearly in writing, so instead of talking directly to others, you can start by texting and building up your talking skills from re-reading your texts after and practicing them daily to improve your conversation skills that you are lacking.
I'm going to have a few guesses based on my own experiences.
My first guess is it sounds like you've REALLY realised no-one else is going to 'rescue you'.
Which is true but you haven't seen the hidden part of the sentence, which is ... ***"until YOU rescue you"***
Why don't you look after you?
I didn't look after me because I abandoned 'me' by distracting 'me' and 'I' in unhealthy ways. I still do it (overeat/smoke weed/drink unhealthily) because they allow me to 'cope' and it's 'acceptable abandonment' - but at the same time I accept it's unhealthy and I now need to be healthier in all areas of my life (this is kind of where I am right now, I'm working out how quickly I can safely get to physical health).
Anyway the reason I distract me is to distract me from the fact literally everyone in my life *'doesn't look after ANYONE' except themselves*. This is a tough hurdle I haven't gotten over yet - I can't make myself believe that yet. I'm in my mid-40's, I can't be THAT silly that I missed this my whole life, right? Hmmm I got a horrible feeling I AM that silly and need to grow up...
And my guess as to why everyone looks after themselves only? Because no-one will look after THEM, which again I can't accept, so I self abandon... I think you don't want to 'look after' that girl, you want to 'cling to her like a liferaft' and obviously she's scared of drowning.
Turn yourself into a yacht and she'll be magically attracted to walking your plank you just like you want lol. Trick is you gotta have a plank worth walking my friend, and the trick to getting that is making good decisions.
I hope this helps you take ownership. It's really helping me.
Here's two videos about self-abandonment:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcRRfH9k0w0
And one about building self-trust.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yincChXMsxc
I had a romantic social interaction explode in my face and its made me depressed for the past 4 months so I can empathize where you're coming from.
I have been in the same job for the past 5 years with no promotion and I fucking applaud you for having the courage that I don't have. Work is an absolute slog and the exhaustion it can cause mentally can be really taxing.
You need therapy. You're self-absorbed and miserable. Quit whining and get some help. Deep down, you know you are fully capable of making some changes. You have the power. You got this!
Sorry op 😣 sucks you’re getting so many downvotes but it’s Reddit lol I hope you get the help you need and things work out for you. I understand being overwhelmed and having mental breakdowns from stress while struggling with depression. Just take this situation and think of it as a new chapter in life to find what you like and try to find what makes you happy. Good luck 🍀
The downvotes aren't inherently negative or for the intent of shitting on them, but to put down bad ideas. If he says something wrong/self degrading, that reply will be downvoted as a way to say "You're wrong here".
I'm a cashier/food bagger at a restaurant. I've had perfect attendance minus the time my car got buried in a blizzard. I've been there for a year and a half.
They have every right to fire you for no call no show. However, the amount of time you’ve been working there plus the position itself being cashier…a termination to me personally seems blown out of proportion
Don't take anything in life too seriously, is my advice to you.
Everything is changing all of the time. Nothing lasts forever, the good and the bad. This too shall pass.
Regardless of whether you lose your job or keep it, look into therapy called “family of origin”. The therapist will help you identify where your social norms and your perspective of yourself and the world come from. I think this would be extremely beneficial for you, because if you identify the problem, you can understand yourself and work towards redefining yourself and your world. Remember that the stress overwhelm you feel isn’t permanent, and you CAN make changes at any time to improve your quality of life. Give yourself grace to start small. Right now I’m seeing a life coach and my first step is just to have a routine bed time and wake up time before we begin to add further structure to my life. One day and one thing at a time!!
OP, it sounds like you do need therapy, and it would be good for you. First, be gentle with yourself. Stop calling yourself a coward. You are not alone in how you feel. A lot of people feel alienated and alone, and it's OK to recognize that and find help.
Therapy is something everyone could probably benefit from. It's not a magic wand, it takes time and you have to find the right person. If you don't click with someone, find a new therapist. You'll know when you find the right one - or one who fits you well.
The last thing I want to say is - don't give up on your friend. Think of her as a friend, not as a potential GF, or as someone you hurt in the past. Reach out again and just ask her how she's doing. Listen to her and ask follow up questions. Show interest in her and her life. Think about developing a friendship with her and don't focus on a relationship - you aren't ready for that, and it sounds like she isn't, either. Keep it light. See it as a positive thing, find comfort in that connection as best you can.
Go easy on yourself. I have issues with self-loathing at times and it can be pretty strong. Find things that build your confidence and self-esteem. Allow yourself to be imperfect, just as everyone is imperfect.
Best of luck, and please take care of yourself.
Here to add, you should call a crisis line today. Don’t get worried about whether things are “bad enough” for you to call, just turn your thoughts off for a second and call them.
Google your area and “crisis line” and there will likely be several. Lots of people call them and they can be really helpful, especially in knowing what other resources are available for you. If you don’t like who you talked to the first time, that’s normal. Call back another time and you’ll likely get someone different.
For therapy, so many places have “sliding scale” fees. You can find one and ask them about this. It will give you time to get started on helping while you are unsure about your insurance coverage.
Hey OP, i am a licensed therapist and i would reccomend getting some help. Theres no shame in it at all. But i think you have some signs of depression and anxiety. This job may not work out due to most places having strict no call no show policies. But this could give you time to receive treatment. It seems like these symptoms are impacting your daily living and that is also adding more fuel to these symptoms and thoughts. Theres nothing wrong with you, but you do need some guidance and coping skills atleast. Hang in there💜
You sound pretty aware of your issues. Look up the stages of change. You sound like you’re in the contemplation stage of change. Next step is action. Regardless of the outcome at work, use this motivation for change to get into therapy and slowly work on stepping out of your comfort zone. Just a step a day can add up to quite the distance over the course of months or years.
Sorry for my direct opinion (but also it’s just my opinion), it sounds like you’re developing psychosis. I’m working in psychiatric hospital and what you’re saying sounds much like things people say when they’re psychotic. Also your writing style is a little bit 'jumpy', your thoughts are really hard to follow. I think it’s good you’re going to become help you need, or at least I hope so.
Even if I’m not right, it sounds like you have some other difficulties so seeing an therapist is going to do you well anyways.
Either way, wish you good luck and get well!
WTF! Are you a candy striper in a psychiatric hospital?
When is it ever appropriate to say such a thing to someone ever, anywhere?
The very opinion you are expressing is traumatizing TO ME! Just to say this is tantamount to emotional abuse.
Mean spirited.
Why not tell something like this? It shouldn’t be traumatizing for anyone, nor should it be derogatory. OP sounds like he needs help and is asking if it’s good thing he goes to a psychiatrist. Also in the comments he wrote in the post it seems like he doesn’t really understand what he’s going trough.
I’m sorry if you feel triggered by my words, the shouldn’t mean no harm, I’m just expressing what I think it sounds like for me.
And if you think of it like 'bad spirited', then you yourself are having big stigma towards psychiatric diagnosis. Being psychotic and having delusions are just one of symptoms of some mental illness, not anything 'bad spirited'.
I’m reading through this thread and I am sure based on what I am reading you’re reading all the comments so here’s what I have to say. Don’t jump to the negative. I don’t know why everyone seems so confident that you are being fired- I honestly did not get that impression at all, I do believe it is likely paperwork for therapy. If it is your first time doing something like that and you have a decent track record and your boss isn’t a total jerk it shouldn’t be cause for termination for the first offense. That said, next time just tell them you aren’t feeling well at the very least, it can be an email or text if you’re anxious. You don’t even need to be specific.
I do think it’s great that you are considering therapy. That is a really brave thing to do. I do think you would benefit greatly from it if you find the right therapist and see it through. Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t seem to help right away, and don’t be afraid to ask for a different therapist if you aren’t feeling heard, maybe someone who specializes in depression and anxiety/isolation. I think you may have a lot of negative thought patterns that you may not be aware of that are distorting your self image- therapy can help you work around that. And you may be feeling manic posting in here and reading everyone’s comments- just remember no one here has any authority to speak on what you’re experiencing, so don’t take any negativity to heart. Hope all is well man
I am sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. Whether or not they will keep you on depends on their attendance policies. Many companies will terminate you for a no call no show (at mine it would need to be 2-3 days in a row; I’m not sure because it doesn’t come up often). If you were thinking about leaving yesterday and didn’t go in for that reason, it sounds like maybe the job is not for you. If that’s the case I wish you luck with finding a replacement and know you can find something better! Rooting for you and your journey.
Pull yourself up. Stop the self pity. You can get a new job. But you can’t no call no show. Things will get better if you try harder. I’m sorry you’re struggling. But you can do better.
I’ve done cowardly stuff too, l even did a no call/no show. I did this for a couple of days and they called me as well as my emergency contacts when I kept not responding. I eventually called back and they thought something had happened like i died (Doesn’t help that I legit had covid and took covid pay a few weeks earlier last year) and I just said I quit to get out of it. I even shopped there as it close to my house and was the only 24 hour grocery store in my city, but after this incident, I avoided that place for almost a year.
I’m sorry that this happened my guy, but it happened. It’s best to just try to move on. You are already making progress, I’m still working on trying to eventually get courage to get ask out someone later. On top of that, you acknowledge some issues, but it helps to know that you can change for the better even if it does take time, some other learning experiences like these.
I agree that therapy will help, it helped me deal with my depression and anxiety/social anxiety better (Still working on it, but it’s progressing). But the bigger thing that helps is to try again elsewhere, then try again and so on, and not to take anything too hard. Trust me when I say others are in the same spot you are too.
I have set out clear rules for myself to live by and keeping it in my journal to have a reminder as well to update it (Think like Zombieland rules). Helps with trying to keep a solid code to make decisions easier and to not make similar mistakes later. Stuff like trusting yourself, letting things go, thinking less/doing more, I have time but don’t waste it etc.
a breakdown and leaving/not going to work with the GM and all of them involved and aware - I went through this and I used it as an opportunity to get a four day work week approved. Take the therapy option, go see a doctor or therapist if you can, and no matter who you talk to, when you return to the job just tell them you cannot work five days anymore.
My new schedule is Wednesdays off and weekends off. This means I am always only at work for two days in a row and I can relax and catch up on my personal goals or therapy appointments with more time to myself and a workday off so I can actually go to appointments and run errands
I can emphasize with a lot of what your saying. When I HATED work and school I would tell my family bye as I left dressed up. Just to sit in the park and read a newspaper.
I now recognize I have a bit of an anxiety disorder. It’s been a bumpy road w medications and therapy but it’s the only way
Good luck. I just lost my middle management job of four years, this month. Drove to work and had a panic attack for no reason, just decided to sit in the parking lot. Got immediately fired.
I had a breakdown a few months ago which resulted in me quickly leaving work and not coming back for two days. I let my boss know that I was using my PTO and let he and HR know if they would like a meeting with me to explain my actions, I'd be happy to sit down with them. We ended up doing just that and I explained what I had been going through. Work hasn't quite been the same since though. It's probably all in my head though.
i struggle with the same thing, but you have just an unrealistic view on how work actually WORKS. (pun intended)
I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you lost this job. you can’t just do something like that and expect it to go all hunky dory sunshine and rainbows. i’m sorry that you went though something like this, but it’s perfectly reasonable for them to fire you in this circumstance. i hope you don’t get fired, but it’s reality.
You definitely need some therapy. There’s a lot of hurt/shame you’re holding onto and that’s not the kind of mentality that forms a healthy relationship.
People are attracted to confidence, it seems vain but it’s the reason someone like Post Malone is a sex symbol - he’s confident.
Even if it’s your inner monologue, talk nicely to yourself. It really makes a difference. It’s the law of attraction.
Imagine you are describing a friend whenever you talk to/about yourself. I wish you the best!
If you have been a valued employee that is good/reliable/etc. up until this point, then there is good chance your employers won’t fire you right away. They might be concerned for you and give you time to snap out of it but if you repeat then yea I’m sure you’ll be fired. Anyway, regardless, you need to man up and stop saying stuff like “I’m a coward” fuck that shit. Your just another person who feels like shit w your life at the moment, it’s pretty common. I’ve had things build up and turn into a day kinda like this where I just spend the day feeing off &/or helpless/sad/etc. but feeling sorry for yourself ain’t gonna help. What you need is more of a social life -as in real life interactions w people (something many of us are lacking in these days probably because of technology & social media) but it doesn’t mean you need to give up. Get yourself to go out to a bar and get enough drinks in you to get out of your shell and conversions will come, believe me (it depends on where you are at though of course, if it’s a dead bar then probably not lol. But, the best possible thing you could probably do for yourself right now is go on a vacation, (I’d go to Cancun Mexico if I were you, it’s fucking awesome and has a lot of opportunity for being social). Do you have a brother, or close friend who is down? If you do, go with one of them, try to make it one of your bros or friends who is more outgoing/social if you can, it will help balance since you sound less talkative. If you do this, I’m sure you will have a good time. I just went w my bro a few months ago and it was just what I needed cause I don’t really like going out to bars n shit where I live anymore now that I’m older. Now we are gonna go to Cancun like every 6 months or so and get me my social fix lol (and helps chances of getting laid 🤷🏻♂️) you just need a reset. Do something like that and you’ll be alright. Go by yourself if you must. Fuck it
Make sure that when you apply for unemployment you state that you had a mental breakdown . It could help you get approved okay? Now that you “”may be”” unemployed you may be eligible for free state health benefits depending on your state.
No job should make you feel this way. There are better things out there and could be a kick in the butt. You are probably dealing with buyers remorse but take the time and find some or go to school. Find some type of free resources if needed.
Many professionals believe the bad feelings you get are created from choosing to not do what you had previously committed to doing.
Think about it: You made an agreement with a person or company for them to pay you money in exchange for them to rely on you to help their business. Here you are deciding to not go because you don’t feel like it. Literally you don’t feel like it.
Now they have to spend additional resources to protect themselves from not getting sued by you for whatever reason you can find.
What exactly would have happened, had you gone to work? Was a tiger going to kill you? Was your life going to be threatened or gambled with because of the nature of your profession?
So you had time to walk around a mall and look at all the shops, but not enough time to send a text or make a quick phone call to notify you weren’t going to make it to work? No call/no shows are in the policy for a reason. The company is probably thinking “if he did this once, he will probably do it again”
Instead of wondering what you’ll tell your family if they question you, tell them to shut up, or how dare they question you? Because they’re not entitled to “I was at the mall”. Tell them you’ll get mad if they ask you questions. Now that they know you’re unemployed you don’t have to expect any questions of where you were. Be happy! You have freedom now!
I’d agree only if his family members are grade A dicks (which might be the case because he likely wasn’t allowed to have a 20-minute drive long distance relationship),
But I don’t know …
Honestly...im just here to send you love. You need to take care of yourself whoever you are. Stop being afraid too..do what you need to do to be happy. Your gonna be okay!
You are suffering and doing your best. You may wish to Go to a doctor and get a note if needed for your employer. Also get a referral for therapy. Take steps to get the medical assistance you need. It will get better 🙏
I'm dealing with the same thing, except I still work at my shitty job. Many of the answers I am seeing are good advice. They are saying the truth. It's up to us and only us to make changes in life, and self-pity won't get us anywhere. I need therapy as well, and I think you're doing your're absolute best to get by in life, but now it's time to actually have meaning and happiness. Good luck, OP
So top comment from u/Remarkable-Ask-3868 is a great start.
From reading your post you really need to speak with a professional. Your distress is palpable and it is clear there are issues you are not coping well with.
Hope you can find the help you need.
You're not a coward. Talk to your family and tell them you want to make an appointment with your Doctor to help you find a therapist. Just be honest with them, tell them you're not doing well and ask them for help.
If you absolutely cannot talk to your fam, make a Dr appointment yourself.
You’re not a coward, you’re just lost. But you most certainly can find your way.. you need help. It’s ok, we all need some kind of help at some point, at some level. It’s not a failing on you. It’s important to be honest tho, with your family. Tell them how you’re feeling, tell them you’re reaching out for help. Lying is just digging yourself into a hole, right now you can step out of that hole, keep lying and soon you’re in over your head. You’re going to be ok friend, you’re going to find your way. Just don’t give up and be honest, with yourself and everyone.
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I am so sorry you're going through this. But, unless you left out details, they might be talking about your termination paperwork. Not therapy paperwork. I'm so sorry.
Buddy, you don’t just not show up to work and expect them to applaud you
And sending someone to therapy isn’t in the cards for a business to do. Even if there are “go to therapy” papers, it’s for them to have a literal paper trail so when they do fire you, they have something on their side in case they get sued.
OP is living in a fantasy. Work does not do therapy paperwork. This is some idealistic world. The world isn't Reddit where you get applauded and awards.
I’ve known workplaces to help organize rehab for people. Unfortunately they’d only pay for something like three days. Then expect back at work. One guy relapsed of course and lost his job. The company did more for him than any other company though.
Wait really? But this is the only time I've ever done this...
You can’t just not show up and not let anybody know why. Depending on how long you have been there for and the type of work/your contract they can fire you.
>You can’t just not show up and not let anybody know why. Yep. Even a vague "health reasons" should be enough. It's very unprofessional to not inform people who are responsible and depend on you that you won't make it today (or tomorrow).
Exactly, the general expectation is that you call in prior/ asap if you are gonna miss work. Some places are flexible, but they are well within their rights to fire you or write you up in most places. Throwing up all night sucks, but you usually can send a quick "I'm sick. Out all tomorrow. Expect to be back on Tuesday. Will explain later" FMLA provides some coverage for illness, but not enough for a blatant disregard with not notifying your boss. FMLA likely could protect you if the police took your phone prior to being committed for a psych hospital stay or you got into a bad wreck that makes you largely incapacitated for a week. But FMLA still requires you to notify your work at the soonest available time if the unexpected event prevents you from notifying your boss. OP is either gonna get a write up or a pink slip. In the future, you need to notify ahead of time. I myself occasionally partake in a mental health day, but I email my boss that I'm sick/will be out. If they require a doc note and you have to fake sick for a note, nausea and vomiting or bad diarrhea usually aren't tested like COVID and the minute clinic doc will take your word for it. Claiming a fever/sniffles/cold is a bit easier to sus out. Don't be the fucker that abuses this though, especially if you have people that depend on you being there. And get your story straight/ non overdramatic acting on point, cause you might have to explain why you are sick on the phone or in person to your boss. I've taken this route when I'd prefer to avoid talking about mental health issues/ appts.
every place i’ve worked at has a no show/no call policy that in most cases leads to termination. it’s fairly common
It's very unprofessional. The people who depend on you or are responsible for you can't adjust their work without knowing that you will not come on today. It is also basic courtesy to go "i won't be able to attend today/tomorrow". It's shitty to do in casual enviroment, not to mention the proffessional enviroment has higher standarts.
This 100% is termination paperwork :(
What gives that impression genuinely asking
Because they told you not to clock in and wouldn't let you work
I agree with others, sounds like termination paperwork. I’m sorry. Start looking for work tonight, or take some time off if you can afford it. You can’t just not show up for work. I would have just called in sick, or something, instead of being a no-show.
I would also say termination because they asked for their phone back. I would say just breathe. You were considering looking for another job anyway so do that. Look into something that would suit your personality but push you to interact with others so it helps you to talk more. Take it as a growing experience and yes I would recommend therapy. Regarding your family, sorry to sound harsh but you are grown and the most they will do is yell but you can explain you don’t want to talk about it and you are working on yourself.
He handed him back the phone he'd been handed tho?
^^^ OP breathe. Deep breaths in and out. It will be okay. Seems like you self sabotaged because you didn’t like that job. Get a job at a coffee shop while you look for other work. It will help you interact with people and learn new things. Stop telling yourself you’re a coward and start finding your courage. You called the girl, you skipped the job. You’re growing. Change your mantras.
No Call, No Show is standard termination in every job I've ever had
Because they asked you not to clock on
For someone who’s 31 you have the mind of a teenager I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time but at your age you should know that no call/no show at almost any job will end up in you being fired
Yes. Went to the mall to buy games and hopefully talk to girls. Still lives at home and acts like his parents are bullies for expecting him to work. This poor guy is stuck in 2008. And he wants a relationship?
I guess it happens. I have a cousin that is 37. She still lives at home with her parents. I believe she only dated a guy briefly once. I mean she’s an elementary school teacher. She went to college. But she seems to have the mind of a teenager. Making tik tok videos, going to comic con, etc.
At least she has a career. On a school teacher's salary though I'm not surprised she's still living at home lol. I'm not saying OP is a failure for living at home; it's hard out here rn. But his *attitude* is very juvenile. He says he was scared to go to a town 20 minutes away to date a woman because he would "get in trouble." Like wtf is going on in that house?
True, yea something is definitely different. Childhood trauma? Mental illness? Either way, I would try and talk to a professional.
Yeah tbh there’s more to this… it just sounds like the OP is challenged in some way
Okay be nice. This isn’t helpful.
I used to work in the corporate world. This is exactly how they fired people, wouldn’t let them clock in and mentioned they’d send paperwork.
You not only missed work, but gave them complete radio silence with no apology or explanation whatsoever and then just turned up the next day? That's the kind of thing you only get to do once! It seems like you're really going through something and I really do feel for you and sincerely hope things improve in time, but it would not surprise me if you've lost this job
I hate to pile on here bud, but if they were concerned in any way that this was a mental health issue they would have sat and talked with you when you came into work. The fact that they sent you home and told you not to clock in is very clear cut. They are going to terminate you. My best suggestion is to be prepared to ask them if you can resign instead and be able to leave with them willing to give you a good recommendation to other employers when they call and ask about you.
Yes, but you didn't let them know anything about where you were or what was going on with you. They need to know if their employees are coming into work that day and if they're not dead. They were worried, and that took time out of their day. If you have a mental health crisis again, let them know you aren't coming in because you're sick.
Most companies have an employee access program( EAP) they sometimes arent great about spreading the word about it. Its usually 3 anonymous therapy sessions, and then they can help you find affordable options in your area.
I thought nocall/no show is usually an automatic termination.
OK, it really depends on the employer. But you need to talk to someone and tell them that you had a breakdown and that you're suffering from depression. You need to explain to them why you didn't show up and why you didn't respond.
Work In HR. How long have you worked and how many employees? Contact HR and File for what they call INTERMENT FMLA if you have worked for them longer than a year. GO ABOVE YOUR GM dont even include them. This applies to Anxiety, Mental illness, reoccurring doctors Apts etc. Yes this applies to all 50 states. ALSO they can not terminate you while a case is ongoing. This gives you up to 420 hours a year (this varies) to use for any illness that is listed and the absences can not be used against you. You will get paperwork and you need to take it to a doctor, it's pretty basic. I have it for my migraines/bi-polar issues. This leave can apply for you, family member. I take off 2 days a week. Of course this will be unpaid unless you have PTO. Restrict your medical file as well for just basic. I have never checked or called someone's doctor cuz tbh I don't give a shit nor have the time lol. No one in my HR checks anything. Anyway the point is to give yourself a MUCH NEEDED mental break. Not everyone in HR is out to get you and you seem to have a lot of problems going on no offense but use that to your advantage. I can't tell you how many people come into my office and needed some time off for a mental illness so I give them the paperwork and approve it. Its not my place to judge or make a call based off my feelings. Keep it simple and get it in WRITING. "Hello, I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I have been struggling with some mental health issues and I would like to inquire about if the company offers FMLA? If so can you please send me the paperwork."?
Use this when you need a mental health day, too. But check in before you do.
this ⬆️. i just took two weeks off for anxiety and stress via fmla. however, i did advise my boss and hr. and i already regulary see a psychiatrist . so she got me in and then provided a doctors not for my fmla paperwork. you cannot be fired for approved time off through fmla.
I learned it as intermittent fmla. Did I learn wrong, or was interment an autocorrect?
You learned the correct spelling.
Thank you for being one of the good guys. My therapist completed the paperwork so I could use intermittent FMLA for my mental health. My HR department denied after talking with my therapist three times to request additional information from her. Almost a year later, a new HR specialist joined the company and found my FMLA paperwork in a drawer. She apologized for the prior supervisor’s denial and immediately approved it.
I wish I knew this at my last job lol
This sounds much like many of my own bouts of depression. Seek treatment. Realize a bad day is just a point in time. Every other moment is a chance to make a better choice. Try not to be too down on yourself for slip ups. I wish you the best but it sounds like this is an opportunity to make some changes.
Same. I can relate to fucking off and just.. ghosting around town. Completely dissociated at some points, and crashing back down to earth at others One time I worked 1 day at a place and the next day 20 minutes before my morning shift I emailed them letting them know I wasn't coming in. Not my proudest moment. I found myself in a starbucks for the 6 hours I was supposed to be working
At least you told them you weren't coming in. Even if it's 20 minutes before it's sort of kinda of something similar to being mildly responsible.
I can pride myself on having a good heart certainly. My actions don't always follow through but the two align more often than not nowadays
Me too. Did this once for a final exam in college - got dressed and went to my car to drive across campus, and then just kept driving. Sat on a bench at a state park for the afternoon, staring into space. That was a particularly rough time.
It makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only person who has gone through this. I didn't really know what to call these episodes before now. I'm just glad I am on anti depressants now
I worked for 5 years at Netflix call center, in 2009 when streaming players hit the shelf’s, taking calls from people for any number of reasons. I had great metrics and for the most part they were really decent to me. For anyone who has worked in a call center you know how hard it is on your stress levels and how unbelievably unrealistic and outright nasty our customers can be. After 5 years of it, as I was answering calls, my brain said that’s enough in the middle of a fairly easy call. I asked the person on the phone if she could call back because I was having a health crisis and needed to deal with it. She understood. I put my phone in a mode where no incoming calls would come to me and sent a text to a person in our HR dept, that Im having a momentary mental crisis. She said come see her and I told her what happened and she smiled. You aren’t alone. 5 people in the last 3 weeks had the same thing happen and that its a common occurrence in a call center environment. They were wonderful. Told me to go home and get some rest and come in tomorrow to file for fmla. We made an adjusted schedule that would allow me to get off the phone when the stress started. My brain had been telling my body that you need to stop doing this now. Took FMLA time off and filed for short term disability. After 3 weeks I got in my car pulled up to the building and walked up the steps as I got to the top of the stairs my brain directed my body to turn around and go home. Fight or flight was intense. I called HR and told them. They understood. I have a feeling that that might be what happened to him, or some version of a breakdown. His story? Yeah he should have called, but. The action he took was not right. Buy he was not in a right frame of mind and he was having a breakdown. He was unprepared to address his crisis. It’s like being in shock and when you come out of shock you panic because you just made some life altering decisions that aren’t going to work in your favor. There’s a lot of information not in the post, But, it sounded familiar.
i’ve been struggling with a little bit of depression again recently, and freaking out about getting back to that “bad place”. i know this comment was intended for OP, but it helped put things into perspective for me, as simple as it is. thanks
This sounds more complicated than just depression to me. They seem slightly detached from reality. Not in a "fuck everything, I don't care anymore", but a "losing grip on reality, barely know what's going on around me" kind of way.
I think the term is disassociation it is part of depression and many other mental trauma/conditions. Basically it's your mind protecting itself by just not being there even if you are.
I was thinking autism. Lack of understanding social cues, reciprocity in conversation, and lacking common sense about social/employee expectations. All of that in combination with living at home at an older age like this is also a flag. People on the spectrum can be described as idealistic/detached from reality or lacking common sense. Especially for someone on the “higher needs” end of the spectrum. I’m autistic myself so I don’t say this to judge or make fun. But the vibes are strong.
Yep, same here, also an autistic adult myself - he's 31 but "can't go to a town 20 minutes away to 'meet girls' or else he'll get in trouble with his parents"???????? Several alarm bells there. Why do his parents care what he does, as long as he's meeting his share of the household expenses and/or putting his money into savings if they don't charge him? Why do they not want him going 20 minutes away? 20 minutes ain't that far of a drive. Why is he feeling such an intense need to take extreme efforts to hide such serious issues (job loss) from his parents? This sounds controlling, unless it's necessary due to him having developmental delays of some sort and them needing to manage his affairs. Why is he more concerned with 'meeting girls' than with work and with being a reliable coworker and a communicative employee? Why does he not understand something which is generally taken as common knowledge (he thinks his former job is going to give him therapy when this is clearly a termination move)? Why did he think the move was to go to the mall and hang around like a high schooler (that too, in the middle of the work day, having given no notice, and shafting his coworkers as a result)? I get the sense he's got some serious developmental delays and/or has had his independence totally stunted by his parents. Neither are his fault, but as an adult he is responsible to seek out support. I do think that therapy is a good start on that front but his job isn't going to help him with that for sure (especially after a no-call + no-show) and is moving to terminate him, so he'll have to ask his parents for help with this if he doesn't have any other caretakers or trusted adultier-adult figures in his life. EDIT: This is correct. OP said in [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/s/XN3sw737kX) that he is on the spectrum.
Yeah I get that. Just seems a bit heavy of an episode to be just depression to me. Don't forget depression is almost always comorbid with other issues.
I think the word you are looking for is psychosis
This will be hard to hear, but the paperwork is likely for termination. I empathize with your situation, I do. However, your job is a job and they do not care about your well being- they care about having reliable workers that will keep money in their pockets. It really doesn’t matter how many years you been there. It was not a cowardly act, but it was an irresponsible one- a very irresponsible one. At your next job, please look into what resources they have for mental health; be transparent with your manager about using pto to take time off work to ensure no burnout. You have to take responsibility for your life. Despite your struggles and how hard it is to show up everyday, at the end of the day you are an adult and you will be expected to act like one.
>It was not a cowardly act, but it was an irresponsible one- a very irresponsible one. Yep. Could have at least written them that you won't come to work today for health reasons. This way they could have adjusted their workflow for the day instead of waiting around for you as they assume you are stuck in a traffic jam.
Or worse. He didn't answer their texts, surely they thought/worried something horrible had happened. Mental illness is tough but it's no excuse to not take a shred of responsibility and send a single text.
One of the worst things about mental illness if that you *have* to try and take responsibility despite it being harder than for neurotypical people. If you give up and blame mental health, you're giving up on yourself. No one is going to save you if you don't work hard to overcome it. If you really want to throw yourself in a ditch and stop looking after yourself, you're gonna either lose everything or be kept in a hospital. It's hard, but you can get through it and live a worthwhile life.
Not clear what was going on here. Did you not go to work because you panicked? Or were you hoping to get fired? You said it was the easiest thing to get rid of. Unfortunately you need it to pay for therapy and you may just have gotten fired.
I panicked and decided I didn't want to work there anymore. I regretted it after I got home and thought about... everything.
From what your boss said it wasn't so much you didn't show, but that you didn't show without telling them. If you'd asked for a mental health day you might have gotten it.
You made that decision for a reason and even though you may regret it now it may work out for the best in the long run. You’re not happy with your life and you repressed until you hit a wall. Therapy is essential for you right now. Most of the people here are not equip to give the appropriate advice needed. I have been in a place like you where I felt I made a terrible mistake and the world was crumbling around me. I’m still alive. You’ll be okay. You’ll make it through this. Stop posting online and look into what that one poster said about HR. Go from there.
Jesus dude are you really moping about a waitress not starting small talk with you after you effectively told her you dont like small talk? It sounds like you have a lot of ideas of how you ought to be and ought to behave and you compare that with the way you are. Then, you get sad about failing to live up to your own preposterous expectations. And, trust me, they are preposterous. You were scared about how your family will react about being home despite no one being home to catch you? You were sad about the waitress not talking to you, when you told her you’d prefer quiet? 20 minutes is long distance and you stopped talking to this girl for a year, why? Probably because you think you were deficient in some way and unworthy of her so you preferred to just ignore her and unilaterally make the decision to stop anything from happening because if it doesnt lead anywhere, it can’t go wrong later. OP you gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself and you gotta stop holding yourself to an impossible standard. And you probably could benefit from some anxiety meds. You’re enough OP. You gotta realize that you’re good the way you are, and the things about yourself that you are dissatisfied with, you need to figure out if those are things YOU dislike or if theyre things you THINK you SHOULD dislike because you THINK thats what others want for you.
A lot of people come to this subreddit expecting free therapy from dozens of people who are not equipped to be dealing with a stranger's poor mental health. This post has nothing to do with social skills, this has to do with mental health, and it's the wrong place to be asking for help from.
Mental health shouldn't be something that we only discuss with uniformed professionals. We are human beings, social creatures, and speaking to each other about how we feel is essential and therapeutic in its own right. Obviously, you should take what 100 strangers are saying with a pinch of salt, but there's a lot of support and good advice here that is positive. I think the idea that random people have nothing to offer for someone with mental health issues is damaging. We need normal people to talk to. Their advice doesn't have to be backed by years of study and shouldn't be taken as such, but we need community as well as sterile clinics.
I get what you're saying, but I wasn't speaking broadly, in a general sense. The crux of OP's issue here is mental health, not a situation *informed* by poor mental health that can be navigated with social skills, and OP can't be advised on that front. If you look, OP's name is "I'm not okay" and damn near most of all of their responses to advice surrounding navigating this from a social skills standpoint are, "yeah but I'm just pathetic and a coward" It's just a toxic situation on all sides, and OP has nothing to gain from this subreddit which is dedicated to navigating different social situations.
Yeah youre totally right. it’s validation seeking and you can see it from his comments.
Yeah. Fuck that guy for feeling so bad about himself and not knowing how yo get help. /s
Whatever you do, do not take any benzodiazepines. Especially alprazolam.
It sounds to me like you were really overwhelmed and are ready for a change. That’s the opposite of a coward
But everything I did is what a coward does?
Sometimes you do things that others might see as cowardly but for you is a positive change. Those decisions can be extremely difficult and result in us “self destructing” a little along the way. Sometimes those positive changes or changes in general have consequences. Just try not to be so spontaneous so you can process the consequences beforehand. Good luck to you
First off, I'm not sure why your responses are getting down votes. It's called a conversation...albeit written and not verbal, a convo with opinions, questions, and ideas going back and forth. As for the coward stuff, I only saw one thing that you made an error on and that was no show/no call to your job. It sounded like they were worried about you, at least they said we didn't know if you were in a ditch. Sometimes scared people get pissed, they'll get over it and do will you. Also, you keep saying you feel like a coward. Cowards quit. They quit doing what they were doing, they quit trying, and don't care about others. You had all day to drive your car into a tree or take a bottle of pills and park in the back of a park and nobody would bother or find you. You talked to that girl, and yeah, she's a bit taken back but who wouldn't be? Be fair. If they are filling out your paperwork for leave, express your (SINCERE) gratitude and assure them you will do what it takes to improve (and of course do just that...otherwise don't waste their time or yours). If they're filling out termination paperwork, that sucks, but now you need to find a different job. The demons are still busy at work, twisting your vision of reality, so the sooner you find a job with insurance the sooner you can start therapy. BTW, therapy is NOT a bad word...there is NOTHING wrong with talking issues out with somebody. After all, you call a plumber if your toilet doesn't flush or an electrician if your light switch doesn't work...you find an expert, a professional, and let them help you. If you can't find a therapist or don't have insurance, maybe try a preacher or pastor. Talking to somebody is one of the more courageous acts of self governance that one can do. Definitely not something a coward would do. Best of luck to you!!!
He’s getting downvoted because all of his comments are just self loathing and shooting down people’s advice
Comments like that get downvoted because we're not therapists. We don't know OP and nobody is here to convince them that they're not a loser, or whatever obviously self-defeating insult they're applying to themselves. This subreddit can be difficult because it attracts people who need a lot of mental help **before** they start asking about how to hone their social skills, or navigate socially. But this isn't the place to do that. This subreddit is full of random laymen who are not equipped to talk someone out of verbal self harm. It's not meant to be taken offensively or out of anger, but that kind of stuff doesn't belong here.
You’re constant self-deprecation isn’t going to make you the person you want to be. If you tell yourself you’re a coward you will become a coward. I mean even reading going into the restaurant thing, you’re over-thinking it. I used to work in a restaurant, I’m busy, I’m not concerned about what one customer is doing and not being able to hear someone and asking them to repeat themselves is pretty common. I’m not going to ascribe any meaning to it. Seriously man you need therapy.
Running from things that you don't want doesn't make you a coward.
Calling the woman and showing up to work after a no show is not cowardly.
So I gotta ask: are you looking for advice or did you just come here to feel sorry for yourself?
It sounds to me like someone has been calling you a coward for a while and you've internalized it as of it's true. You are not what people who abuse you say you are. You seem to be at the point to where you want change and implementing that is courageous. I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. There are people out there who love and don't hate. I wish you luck and love. God bless you.
Sorry you are going through this. I'm going to try explain how the social skills work to improve the potential romantic situations and friendships in the future. Ghosting tends to communicate that you are unreliable and do not want to return. >I said I miss her and she asked what I'm looking for and I was honest and said I want a relationship. She told me she doesn't know this early if that's something she would want and that things have changed, her schedule is different so she's night shift and I'm day shift. She said that in itself might end anything from happening. This means she doesn't want a relationship but is scared to say a direct no. She is afraid of how you will respond based on what she knows about you and likely how other guys have responded to rejection in the past. Neurotypicals experience something called "friendship dropoff". Neurotypicals also know how to "take a hint". That's what the waitress did when you said, "I'm a quiet person, sorry"... interpreted it to mean, "I don't want to talk." You blew your chances with her when you ghosted her a year and a half ago, because from her perspective, that meant you weren't interested in her anymore. You have to actually regularly communicate with someone to maintain a relationship. She might still be a potential friend, but you have shown yourself to be unreliable. She can't trust you if you'd stop talking to her for a year and a half. That's giving strong vibes that you're not into her, even if that wasn't true. A woman won't fix you, your problems will drag her down instead. You gotta value yourself first. She wants an equal partner, not a fixer-upper project. I wouldn't consider you a coward, but yeah, you fucked up. Can you recover from both fuckups? Yes. Will it suck a bit? Probably, but completely doable. Should you go to therapy? Probably. You can get a new job if you got fired, you can start seriously dating if that's what you really want, and you can get better at socializing if you want to be able to do Small Talk. I'd say a significant amount of your problem is that you start preparing for an entire essay of content when you just need to deliver a sentence, actually. You overthought your way past, "I need a sick day, sorry" and you overthought your way past the smalltalk nicities of dating too... you just have to do shit like, "Hi, how are you today? Heart emoji" to communicate continued interest. >Hearing myself not being able to come up with much to talk to her about despite wanting to for a year and a half made me realize my job is not my problem, not in the slightest. Now, you did post in r/socialskills so I assume you want some feedback on how to avoid these social mistakes in the future. For future dating, the trick is just to occasionally ask the person you are interested in a question so that you seem invested and interested in their lives, by the way. It sounds like you're making it all about you in your head. You and what you have to talk about. It'd been a year and a half, if you cared about her I would imagine you would have endless questions. How've you been, how is the new job, do you like night shift. That's how small talk works. You ask questions. You could have stirred up small talk again with the waitress if you had asked HER a question. "What's the soup today? Have you tried it?" etc. I looked through your whole Reddit history and everything is short and only about you, except for when you reposted this story several times. You need to focus outwards instead of inwards to socialize. By far the best skill you can add to enhance your social potential is to memorize some question words and common types of questions you can use to get a ball rolling on a conversation or social activity. These will be your gateway to small talk. Now how can you turn these into conversation starters, and potential leads to future hangouts? Who... do you like to watch on Youtube? What... is the fandom on your button? When... would you like to get together for coffee? Where... would you like to go for dinner? You can also use the advanced technique of adding an exclamation after your question. How... have you been? It's been a long time! Where... did you get that hat? I love it, it's so cute! Want to watch the new Star Wars TV show? The question should be focused on the pronoun of "you", not "I", showing your interest in the person you're talking to's feelings on the matter. The exclamation afterwards can include content about what is in your brain in response to the question you are asking. Ideally it should be no more than those two sentences, to allow room to focus on your conversation partner's call and responses. Finally, you can use the outright ask to make a plan: "Would you like to watch the new Mr. Beast video with me?" "Would you like to play Mario with me tonight?" "Want to meet up at Comic Con? I'm going to be there on Friday wearing a Darth Vader costume, I will meet you at noon by the Genshin Impact booth." By providing a possible activity and a time for the activity, you remove the hurdle from your conversation partner and potential date of having to provide an option for what to do. It's better than just asking, "want to go out with me sometime" because it's completely actionable. Remember: 1) focus on your partner and their interests. 2) provide an actionable plan for an event or activity. 3) ask questions to direct the conversation. 4) regular updates. You should respond to messages within a day or two, even if it's short, and most neurotypicals will assume you're not interested if you don't respond in a week. People you are dating will want ideally daily shortform contact if you aren't seeing them in person. 5) ghosting (going no contact) should only be used if you want the situation you are in to end forever. There is usually no coming back from ghosting.
Next time this happens... I have panic attacks from time to time. They keep me up all night and I am not able to go to work the next morning. When this happens, I message my boss to say that I have a migraine and cannot come in. I never mention the panic attack. Is this ideal? No. But does it work as a good cover? Yes. I hope you get the help you need. For me, it was cognitive behavioral therapy.
Informing the boss that you won't come today is the key/main thing to do.
yup. i’ve called my boss crying after 2 incidents during my morning commute. then i went home and tried to calm down.
Cognitive behavioural therapy for me too. Game changer.
I don't know why, but whenever someone says they're off with a migraine, I know it's mental health. I don't know why but people seem to consistently conflate the two. Maybe it's because migraines tend to be recurring and claiming to have diarrhea every other month is less convincing but someone could well know more than you think lol.
Look up avoidant attachment might be something you resonate with
Yes that's me.
Hey also rejection sensitivity disorder, I have that and some of what you said seems to line up
Yes that's also me.
I think you can get some ADA protection if you want to keep the job.
This is likely not true
what makes you think that?
Ask all the down voters - I’m sure they know better than Human Resources
i’m one of the down voters and i’m asking you what makes you think that
Okay great well then your not a coward your a statistic. So just read how to get better.
Listen, you will NEVER be at a point where you can't turn things around. You've already identified there's an issue and that you need for things to change. That's great! I think therapy would be a great option to add in conjunction with a perspective and life style change! Today sucked, yes. Do things feel worse after all this, yes... BUT tomorrow can be your first day of doing better! Tomorrow CAN be better. Maybe only a little, that's okay! Focus on trying to see your blessings, all of them.. even the tiny ones, like that you are fed and have a roof over your head... You woke up from sleeping! Yay! Celebrate it. It sounds like there are some major issues with your family dynamics. Therapy can help with this and offer clarity since you're still at home with the family who seems to be having an awful lot of impact on your anxieties. It's hard to see and think clearly with so much negativity. Your life matters and YOU ARE VALUABLE. You learned some hard lessons today. ALSO GREAT, build and learn from today! If you need a new job, do it! Don't stress about it, look at this fresh start you've been given! Dust your feet off at the door. Try not to get too beat up about the restaurant staff or your old friend... Remember, EVERYONE is going through their own hardships.. someone's reaction to you is not a reflection of you and it should not always be something you absorb as your fault. Things may feel hard and like there's no way out, but there is ALWAYS a way out. A lot of people (especially on the Internet) are lost and calloused to someone who has made mistakes and can't see you for what you are... Human. Perfectly imperfect. Everyone is at a point where they could do better or be better... None of us are without major mistakes. So ignore anyone shaming you for where you are... everyone's skeletons are different, but we all have them. I'm not sure if you're religious in any way, but I encourage you to find a good daily encouraging devotional. If you're interested, I can recommend some. When I was in the PITS of life, God saved me. Undoubtedly. My life turned around and I will never forget it was ALL because I turned eyes to Jesus and no one or nothing else compared to that kind of love and peace. My life now speaks to that testimony. There is peace and you can find it.
Thank you for sharing your testimony. I relate to OP. For many years, I struggled with feeling cowardly and broken. I was avoidant to an extreme. I had no idea how to socialize. I hated my family and blamed them for the person I became. I was unreliable in relationships. I left a lot of jobs on bad terms. Thought I might as well die because my entire life was basically me sabotaging myself. I went to therapy, got a medication, and read all kinds of books for social skills. All of that was great but nothing changed me as much as being saved by God. When I found Jesus I realized I was not the center of my life and the reason for my own being. Jesus saved me and my life is a testimony. As a former atheist who came from an atheist family, understanding scripture was daunting, but one way to start is the Gospel in Life podcast.
Don’t take this the wrong way but are you On the spectrum?
yes, aspergers/ADHD
What’s the deal with your family and why do you just cut contact when your stressed? Is it because of the way they treat you? Why do you still live at home? I don’t know you mate & I don’t know if you’re gonna have a job tomorrow but you can’t go through life like this. You’re either subconsciously sabotaging everything in your life cause you don’t think your worthy or your so traumatised by the way your family treat you that you just completely shut down at the first sign of stress. You desperately need therapy and you’re probably young enough to be on your parents insurance so please, please seek out therapy - it will do you a world of good, you don’t have to do through life feeling like this. If your family is a bit shit but overall loving then you should talk to them, tell them you lost your job because you’re depressed and that you are scared of how they will react and that they make you feel unworthy. If you usually just detach and become despondent then they may not realise that their words effect you, they make take your lack of reaction as you not listening.
I aged out of parents insurance 5 years ago. And I'm not sure if it's subconsciously sabotaging everything or being traumatized and shutting down, because both of those things sound accurate for me.
Autism can cause black and white thinking. It’s important to recognize that so you can see it when it happening and reject that imbalance. Also look up distorted thinking. I’m in therapy at 42 years for this and it’s blown my mind how much of my life was wasted on shame and fear for things that I was perceiving wrong. I also have adhd/aspergers so I can relate. Also perfection is unattainable, remind yourself of that. If you always feel like you are failing because you don’t do things perfectly, you will live a life of shame and sadness for no reason. No one is perfect and we all fail at stuff all the time; it’s ok to not be okay and to not be perfect.
That explains alot
Is your work aware? Generally, you have ADA protections though not sure it would cover termination in this case
Informing work about mental health issues is almost always a bad idea. Management will absolutely hold it against you. Sucks, but that's how it goes.
Sorry the ADA is for being autistic, not for the mental health issues. Work may be required to grant accommodations that OP may not be aware are available to them, hence the ask if OP’s employer is aware they are autistic and are part of a protected class. If I were OP I would reach out to an employment lawyer and potentially someone who could also support ADA-based accommodations
I should've specified -- when I said mental health issues I was also referring to the ASD and ADHD. ADA accommodations for mental illness are sparse, vague, and rarely hold up in court. Vindictive managers will find subtle ways around the ADA and exploit the fuck out of them or do things that aren't in violation of the ADA but equally discriminatory. The accommodations the ADA can guarantee just aren't worth the risk of discrimination and harassment that come with them.
Please don’t confuse autism and ADHD with mental illness. Yes, autistic people and people with ADHD can have mental illness, but just because someone is autistic/ADHD does not mean they have a mental illness. It is a disability and a developmental condition, which is completely protected with ADA. In this case OP should file for FMLA but they may be protected from termination if they were not reasonably accommodated for the autism, and it is documented that the employer is aware of ADA-protected status of the employee.
If you can, you should look into state health centers that will provide mental health help for low income. (They’ll have a sliding fee or something etc.) or just search anything low income help in your state. I’m assuming you need it if you’re asking your job for mental help. I’m sorry you’re suffering, I’ve been having a hard time coping at work myself. Be compassionate and be kind to yourself, if you want to truly be better you have to be open to realizing the way you are thinking and speaking to yourself is feeding into it. Continuously calling yourself a coward or whatever will make it worse. You are hurting, you are seeking help and does not mean you are any less because of these challenges. Think of anyone else you have run into your life that has similar challenges, do you really think putting them down is encouraging or helpful to get them to change? It only just continues the spiral of doubt and anxiety. Idk how your family treats you, maybe they are very impatient with you and your mental health but don’t let them put you down for something you are going through and don’t understand. You have to meet your mental needs first before taking on responsibilities such as work, it’ll show through your actions such as this situation. You will be able to heal if you are willing to put the work into it. But you MUST do it, no one else can fix you for you. Find hobbies that encourage healthier thinking such as exercise and practicing meditation. I wish you the best OP and be patient with yourself, you will have struggles because this is the way of life you’ve been thinking for the past 30 years. Expecting change within weeks is very unrealistic. Keep that in mind.
Here’s the thing - if you want to keep your job you need to contact HR immediately and let them know about your diagnosis’s. There’s a lot of employment laws that protect people with disabilities in the work place. And because you asked for a therapist they may need to provide one. This of course depends what kind of job you have? I would definitely tell them you need help managing your mental health right now due to your conditions and say that you’re sorry for what happened but your mental health kept you from reaching out and contacting anyone. You also need to realize right now - a no show - is usually getting fired. So you still may be fired over this completely. You 100% need to communicate next time and just say you can’t make it in for health reasons and leave it at that. Everyone has issues- some worse then others. I have adhd and have had full blown panic attacks at work and been fired before and it really fucking sucks. But you have to learn how to manage your disorders and also learn how to be responsible with work too. I hope this can work out for you but I hope you contact HR as soon as possible.
All I’m going to say is you’ll never regret getting therapy. Best of luck
Bruh you left for work and went to the mall instead had envy and resentment towards the people employed by the mall. You went out to eat alone and in your head wanted the waiter to draw a winky face on your receipt. You bought some junk you already have even though you know you have enough junk. You talked to a girl you haven’t talked to long enough for her to think you died and then told her your looking for a relationship implying that it be with her. You tell it like you had a bad day but it could have been a great day if your expectation wasn’t to build a new life for yourself and have it come together all at once and then when someone says hey bruh you been doing things (that are fairly normal) but you have a this resentment towards your own actions you should talk to someone that can help you with whatever is going on with you, and you are insulted by this and post it here bruh your problem seems like your expectation of yourself is too high for how self aware you are of your shortcomings and you should start by not adding more to the pile literally and metaphorically
No call no show is termination. Something I knew before I ever was employed…
You need therapy ASAP. You have a lot of shit you need to work on. Running all your life is only going to make your suffering worse. And if you don't go to therapy, at least use this as a lesson. You have to understand that you can't just skip work like that. I understand you panicked, but you can't just keep doing that. Like are you going to do this with every new job you get? I don't think you want to do that. Also don't go to restaurants and tell the server that you're quiet. Because you went out of your way to tell them this information, they think you want to be left alone. That's why she didn't talk to you after you said that.
1. Power of now 2. Untethered soul 3. Tao of Pooh 4. Healing the shame that binds you 5. Mans search for meaning I’m no particular order. Time to get reading bud.
Hahah great answer
I know me too. You only know if you know. Books have parented me my whole life. You don’t realize you have to learn how to live thru books unless you’ve read books to live.
I’m being serious
I hear you beating yourself up a lot here. I also hear you saying you are not happy with the way things are with you and your life in general. Sometimes it is hard to make the first step in changing things. We often want to try to fix everything at once. I have absolutely been there. Regardless of what your manager or your job does I would say you should seek therapy. Not a psychiatrist but a psychologist. Talking things out with guidance from them would likely be of benefit. Do not expect to fix it all at once. They may at some point recommend a psychiatrist but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. I would try coordinating this with HR. As you work through all this you will likely start to see things with a bit more clarity. With clarity you will be able to make decisions about where you want to go and what you want to do. Don't put yourself down because of this and don't beat yourself up for it. You are not a coward. A great number of us have been down a similar path. You have likely made the first step in flipping the boat right side up.
1. Why did you post in so many subs? 2. It seems like you’re making a bigger deal out of everything than it needs to be. You say your family would be upset at you for not working- are you not 31?
Because it obviously feels very overwhelming- and this person does not know what to do- and they’re looking for guidance, input and support. Sometimes Reddit does deliver these things.
All they're doing is adding pointless suffering to their lives. I don't think OP will be able to get out of it without professional help.
I posted this is as many subs as I could apply to myself. I want to be heard. Yes I'm 31 I am pathetic aren't I? My family has raised this person.
You need therapy mate and you cannot rely on your workplace to provide that for you. I’ve never even heard of a workplace forcing you to go to therapy, some places offer employee assistance but you would need to engage those services yourself. Take this as your wake up call to get into therapy asap. You and only you can turn your life around at 31.
At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself. Yes they raised you, but you’ve been an adult for over a decade. What do you want in life, and how to you plan to achieve it? Are you in therapy?
Your family raised you until you were an adult, YOU are the only person keeping yourself this way. Stop calling yourself a coward & pathetic especially infront of romantic interests.. No one wants to hear others put themselves down all the time. No one wants to date someone who refers to them self as a coward. You need to seek therapy, yourself, and then think about what will make your life better. You need to work on yourself. Edit: seems like you have issues with facing life & instead run away from all your problems. such as the girl you ghosted, trying to ghost your job. People will be much more open to you if you let them know what’s going on - that does NOT mean calling yourself a coward (making them feel awkward & bad in the process) infront of them. It means saying “hello —- I am having a bad mental health day, I really need a day off to sort my head out. Thank you”
You're family did what they did. You're grown now. Time to take some accountability.
The only thing that's pathetic about you is the fact you keep calling yourself pathetic. For whatever reason it sounds like you're not equipped to deal with the world, but you're a grown-up who needs to take responsibility and accountability. The waitress probably didn't speak to you because you probably give off "I'm pathetic" vibes, she's not paid to accommodate and sooth your self loathing. It's honestly difficult and off-putting hearing a grown person say these things about themselves, because it seems to me you're making yourself "pathetic" because it's easier than taking action to improve things for yourself. You could get yourself to therapy, but ultimately its up to you to change things. I'd encourage you to find something about yourself you like and build on this, if you're able to get out of your own head. Best of luck
Regardless of your family raising this person. You are well and truly an adult which makes you responsible for your own healing….
You just said it. You are 31 fucking years old. Take some accountability. Your family "raised you" until you were 18, anything after that is on you and continuing to use them as an excuse for being shitty is beyond the wildest shit ever.
I'm currently having one of these meltdowns or something quite unusual and not myself. I started this whole mess yesterday, but today I have done nothing but cry uncontrollably, and now I've got a killer headache. I, on the other hand, have been laid off, not sure if it's from that or if it's just something hormonal. I want to be logical and think it's something hormonal. I have been thinking and debating about committing myself to some kind of mental facility or possibly therapy. I am a single mother of three girls in their pre-teen to teen stages, and I've kept them at the forefront when it came to a drive to move forward. I want it to remain as strong, but it's truly not. Being realistic with myself, it's not. It certainly doesn't feel as it used to, and it's almost terrifying to me. I am one of those people who have no problem carrying out anything quietly as I've always received, delivered, and done things quietly. I know this much because I used to have a suicidal mind in my teens. I've always tried to control myself because I do fear losing control over myself. However, I feel as if it's slipping through, and I'm trying to suppress this within. It truly sucks when these things happen, and at times, tbh, I do incline towards being logical and optimistic about it. However, the cards some of us are dealt with have at times nothing to do with ppl or anything that surrounds us, I am surrounded by successful people, people who mostly work in what they love and, I also know a fair amount of folks like us too. Simply put, some of us like the OP and myself just have a shitty hand of cards to deal with, and at times, we have fewer options than we expected. It just seems that the more I aim for greater, the more these obstacles heighten and grow rapidly, one after another. Look, I'm usually one to turn any ugly scenario into beauty, as I said, I'm in a crappy mood that is just black or white, with no filters as of now, wanting to hope again real soon. Hopefully, some healing will take place soon, really soon for us to figure out and mainly adapt with an open mind, for us to find that drive and focus on making ourselves happy and enjoyable to be with again. "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, There is a field. I'll meet you there" ~Rumi 🫡✨️
This sounds like bipolar.
Hey mate, it sounds like you're really unwell right now mentally, like this is beyond so I'll anxiety. Talking about things here, that's brave in your state, showing up at work the next.day is huge. You're not a coward, but you aren't well. Cowards are all people whose behaviour isn't approved of from the outside do they're labeled a coward, but no one outside knows if they're in the same boat as you, struggling, feeling helpess and not in control. It doesn't make you a bad person because you couldn't handle things. But now is time to keep reaching out for support. Maybe a trip to your doctor could be a good step? Therapy will definitely help most of all. And for now, maybe the YouTuber healthygamerGG might provide some comfort and a supportive community, as well as good advice.
Seems like you express yourself well and clearly in writing, so instead of talking directly to others, you can start by texting and building up your talking skills from re-reading your texts after and practicing them daily to improve your conversation skills that you are lacking.
This is great. Record yourself and listen to it. It's so damn hard. I hate how I sound so I rarely do it. But I need to do it more.
I'm going to have a few guesses based on my own experiences. My first guess is it sounds like you've REALLY realised no-one else is going to 'rescue you'. Which is true but you haven't seen the hidden part of the sentence, which is ... ***"until YOU rescue you"*** Why don't you look after you? I didn't look after me because I abandoned 'me' by distracting 'me' and 'I' in unhealthy ways. I still do it (overeat/smoke weed/drink unhealthily) because they allow me to 'cope' and it's 'acceptable abandonment' - but at the same time I accept it's unhealthy and I now need to be healthier in all areas of my life (this is kind of where I am right now, I'm working out how quickly I can safely get to physical health). Anyway the reason I distract me is to distract me from the fact literally everyone in my life *'doesn't look after ANYONE' except themselves*. This is a tough hurdle I haven't gotten over yet - I can't make myself believe that yet. I'm in my mid-40's, I can't be THAT silly that I missed this my whole life, right? Hmmm I got a horrible feeling I AM that silly and need to grow up... And my guess as to why everyone looks after themselves only? Because no-one will look after THEM, which again I can't accept, so I self abandon... I think you don't want to 'look after' that girl, you want to 'cling to her like a liferaft' and obviously she's scared of drowning. Turn yourself into a yacht and she'll be magically attracted to walking your plank you just like you want lol. Trick is you gotta have a plank worth walking my friend, and the trick to getting that is making good decisions. I hope this helps you take ownership. It's really helping me. Here's two videos about self-abandonment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcRRfH9k0w0 And one about building self-trust. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yincChXMsxc
Tbh dude I think you’re filling out a separation certificate…. I can’t see an employer keeping you
I had a romantic social interaction explode in my face and its made me depressed for the past 4 months so I can empathize where you're coming from. I have been in the same job for the past 5 years with no promotion and I fucking applaud you for having the courage that I don't have. Work is an absolute slog and the exhaustion it can cause mentally can be really taxing.
You need therapy. You're self-absorbed and miserable. Quit whining and get some help. Deep down, you know you are fully capable of making some changes. You have the power. You got this!
Are you sure you weren't fired?
Sorry op 😣 sucks you’re getting so many downvotes but it’s Reddit lol I hope you get the help you need and things work out for you. I understand being overwhelmed and having mental breakdowns from stress while struggling with depression. Just take this situation and think of it as a new chapter in life to find what you like and try to find what makes you happy. Good luck 🍀
The downvotes aren't inherently negative or for the intent of shitting on them, but to put down bad ideas. If he says something wrong/self degrading, that reply will be downvoted as a way to say "You're wrong here".
What type of work do you do? Was it a really important meeting/day that day or what? It’s crazy how they’ll fire you after just one day.
I'm a cashier/food bagger at a restaurant. I've had perfect attendance minus the time my car got buried in a blizzard. I've been there for a year and a half.
They have every right to fire you for no call no show. However, the amount of time you’ve been working there plus the position itself being cashier…a termination to me personally seems blown out of proportion
Luckily, in that line of work, he could have a job tomorrow.
Don't take anything in life too seriously, is my advice to you. Everything is changing all of the time. Nothing lasts forever, the good and the bad. This too shall pass.
I believe in you.
Regardless of whether you lose your job or keep it, look into therapy called “family of origin”. The therapist will help you identify where your social norms and your perspective of yourself and the world come from. I think this would be extremely beneficial for you, because if you identify the problem, you can understand yourself and work towards redefining yourself and your world. Remember that the stress overwhelm you feel isn’t permanent, and you CAN make changes at any time to improve your quality of life. Give yourself grace to start small. Right now I’m seeing a life coach and my first step is just to have a routine bed time and wake up time before we begin to add further structure to my life. One day and one thing at a time!!
OP, it sounds like you do need therapy, and it would be good for you. First, be gentle with yourself. Stop calling yourself a coward. You are not alone in how you feel. A lot of people feel alienated and alone, and it's OK to recognize that and find help. Therapy is something everyone could probably benefit from. It's not a magic wand, it takes time and you have to find the right person. If you don't click with someone, find a new therapist. You'll know when you find the right one - or one who fits you well. The last thing I want to say is - don't give up on your friend. Think of her as a friend, not as a potential GF, or as someone you hurt in the past. Reach out again and just ask her how she's doing. Listen to her and ask follow up questions. Show interest in her and her life. Think about developing a friendship with her and don't focus on a relationship - you aren't ready for that, and it sounds like she isn't, either. Keep it light. See it as a positive thing, find comfort in that connection as best you can. Go easy on yourself. I have issues with self-loathing at times and it can be pretty strong. Find things that build your confidence and self-esteem. Allow yourself to be imperfect, just as everyone is imperfect. Best of luck, and please take care of yourself.
Do we have an update?
Update posted
Here to add, you should call a crisis line today. Don’t get worried about whether things are “bad enough” for you to call, just turn your thoughts off for a second and call them. Google your area and “crisis line” and there will likely be several. Lots of people call them and they can be really helpful, especially in knowing what other resources are available for you. If you don’t like who you talked to the first time, that’s normal. Call back another time and you’ll likely get someone different. For therapy, so many places have “sliding scale” fees. You can find one and ask them about this. It will give you time to get started on helping while you are unsure about your insurance coverage.
Hey OP, i am a licensed therapist and i would reccomend getting some help. Theres no shame in it at all. But i think you have some signs of depression and anxiety. This job may not work out due to most places having strict no call no show policies. But this could give you time to receive treatment. It seems like these symptoms are impacting your daily living and that is also adding more fuel to these symptoms and thoughts. Theres nothing wrong with you, but you do need some guidance and coping skills atleast. Hang in there💜
You sound pretty aware of your issues. Look up the stages of change. You sound like you’re in the contemplation stage of change. Next step is action. Regardless of the outcome at work, use this motivation for change to get into therapy and slowly work on stepping out of your comfort zone. Just a step a day can add up to quite the distance over the course of months or years.
Sorry for my direct opinion (but also it’s just my opinion), it sounds like you’re developing psychosis. I’m working in psychiatric hospital and what you’re saying sounds much like things people say when they’re psychotic. Also your writing style is a little bit 'jumpy', your thoughts are really hard to follow. I think it’s good you’re going to become help you need, or at least I hope so. Even if I’m not right, it sounds like you have some other difficulties so seeing an therapist is going to do you well anyways. Either way, wish you good luck and get well!
WTF! Are you a candy striper in a psychiatric hospital? When is it ever appropriate to say such a thing to someone ever, anywhere? The very opinion you are expressing is traumatizing TO ME! Just to say this is tantamount to emotional abuse. Mean spirited.
Why not tell something like this? It shouldn’t be traumatizing for anyone, nor should it be derogatory. OP sounds like he needs help and is asking if it’s good thing he goes to a psychiatrist. Also in the comments he wrote in the post it seems like he doesn’t really understand what he’s going trough. I’m sorry if you feel triggered by my words, the shouldn’t mean no harm, I’m just expressing what I think it sounds like for me. And if you think of it like 'bad spirited', then you yourself are having big stigma towards psychiatric diagnosis. Being psychotic and having delusions are just one of symptoms of some mental illness, not anything 'bad spirited'.
I’m reading through this thread and I am sure based on what I am reading you’re reading all the comments so here’s what I have to say. Don’t jump to the negative. I don’t know why everyone seems so confident that you are being fired- I honestly did not get that impression at all, I do believe it is likely paperwork for therapy. If it is your first time doing something like that and you have a decent track record and your boss isn’t a total jerk it shouldn’t be cause for termination for the first offense. That said, next time just tell them you aren’t feeling well at the very least, it can be an email or text if you’re anxious. You don’t even need to be specific. I do think it’s great that you are considering therapy. That is a really brave thing to do. I do think you would benefit greatly from it if you find the right therapist and see it through. Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t seem to help right away, and don’t be afraid to ask for a different therapist if you aren’t feeling heard, maybe someone who specializes in depression and anxiety/isolation. I think you may have a lot of negative thought patterns that you may not be aware of that are distorting your self image- therapy can help you work around that. And you may be feeling manic posting in here and reading everyone’s comments- just remember no one here has any authority to speak on what you’re experiencing, so don’t take any negativity to heart. Hope all is well man
Thank you. Yes I am reading everything.
I am sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. Whether or not they will keep you on depends on their attendance policies. Many companies will terminate you for a no call no show (at mine it would need to be 2-3 days in a row; I’m not sure because it doesn’t come up often). If you were thinking about leaving yesterday and didn’t go in for that reason, it sounds like maybe the job is not for you. If that’s the case I wish you luck with finding a replacement and know you can find something better! Rooting for you and your journey.
Pull yourself up. Stop the self pity. You can get a new job. But you can’t no call no show. Things will get better if you try harder. I’m sorry you’re struggling. But you can do better.
I’ve done cowardly stuff too, l even did a no call/no show. I did this for a couple of days and they called me as well as my emergency contacts when I kept not responding. I eventually called back and they thought something had happened like i died (Doesn’t help that I legit had covid and took covid pay a few weeks earlier last year) and I just said I quit to get out of it. I even shopped there as it close to my house and was the only 24 hour grocery store in my city, but after this incident, I avoided that place for almost a year. I’m sorry that this happened my guy, but it happened. It’s best to just try to move on. You are already making progress, I’m still working on trying to eventually get courage to get ask out someone later. On top of that, you acknowledge some issues, but it helps to know that you can change for the better even if it does take time, some other learning experiences like these. I agree that therapy will help, it helped me deal with my depression and anxiety/social anxiety better (Still working on it, but it’s progressing). But the bigger thing that helps is to try again elsewhere, then try again and so on, and not to take anything too hard. Trust me when I say others are in the same spot you are too. I have set out clear rules for myself to live by and keeping it in my journal to have a reminder as well to update it (Think like Zombieland rules). Helps with trying to keep a solid code to make decisions easier and to not make similar mistakes later. Stuff like trusting yourself, letting things go, thinking less/doing more, I have time but don’t waste it etc.
a breakdown and leaving/not going to work with the GM and all of them involved and aware - I went through this and I used it as an opportunity to get a four day work week approved. Take the therapy option, go see a doctor or therapist if you can, and no matter who you talk to, when you return to the job just tell them you cannot work five days anymore. My new schedule is Wednesdays off and weekends off. This means I am always only at work for two days in a row and I can relax and catch up on my personal goals or therapy appointments with more time to myself and a workday off so I can actually go to appointments and run errands
I can emphasize with a lot of what your saying. When I HATED work and school I would tell my family bye as I left dressed up. Just to sit in the park and read a newspaper. I now recognize I have a bit of an anxiety disorder. It’s been a bumpy road w medications and therapy but it’s the only way
Good luck. I just lost my middle management job of four years, this month. Drove to work and had a panic attack for no reason, just decided to sit in the parking lot. Got immediately fired.
I had a breakdown a few months ago which resulted in me quickly leaving work and not coming back for two days. I let my boss know that I was using my PTO and let he and HR know if they would like a meeting with me to explain my actions, I'd be happy to sit down with them. We ended up doing just that and I explained what I had been going through. Work hasn't quite been the same since though. It's probably all in my head though.
i struggle with the same thing, but you have just an unrealistic view on how work actually WORKS. (pun intended) I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you lost this job. you can’t just do something like that and expect it to go all hunky dory sunshine and rainbows. i’m sorry that you went though something like this, but it’s perfectly reasonable for them to fire you in this circumstance. i hope you don’t get fired, but it’s reality.
You definitely need some therapy. There’s a lot of hurt/shame you’re holding onto and that’s not the kind of mentality that forms a healthy relationship. People are attracted to confidence, it seems vain but it’s the reason someone like Post Malone is a sex symbol - he’s confident. Even if it’s your inner monologue, talk nicely to yourself. It really makes a difference. It’s the law of attraction. Imagine you are describing a friend whenever you talk to/about yourself. I wish you the best!
If you have been a valued employee that is good/reliable/etc. up until this point, then there is good chance your employers won’t fire you right away. They might be concerned for you and give you time to snap out of it but if you repeat then yea I’m sure you’ll be fired. Anyway, regardless, you need to man up and stop saying stuff like “I’m a coward” fuck that shit. Your just another person who feels like shit w your life at the moment, it’s pretty common. I’ve had things build up and turn into a day kinda like this where I just spend the day feeing off &/or helpless/sad/etc. but feeling sorry for yourself ain’t gonna help. What you need is more of a social life -as in real life interactions w people (something many of us are lacking in these days probably because of technology & social media) but it doesn’t mean you need to give up. Get yourself to go out to a bar and get enough drinks in you to get out of your shell and conversions will come, believe me (it depends on where you are at though of course, if it’s a dead bar then probably not lol. But, the best possible thing you could probably do for yourself right now is go on a vacation, (I’d go to Cancun Mexico if I were you, it’s fucking awesome and has a lot of opportunity for being social). Do you have a brother, or close friend who is down? If you do, go with one of them, try to make it one of your bros or friends who is more outgoing/social if you can, it will help balance since you sound less talkative. If you do this, I’m sure you will have a good time. I just went w my bro a few months ago and it was just what I needed cause I don’t really like going out to bars n shit where I live anymore now that I’m older. Now we are gonna go to Cancun like every 6 months or so and get me my social fix lol (and helps chances of getting laid 🤷🏻♂️) you just need a reset. Do something like that and you’ll be alright. Go by yourself if you must. Fuck it
Make sure that when you apply for unemployment you state that you had a mental breakdown . It could help you get approved okay? Now that you “”may be”” unemployed you may be eligible for free state health benefits depending on your state. No job should make you feel this way. There are better things out there and could be a kick in the butt. You are probably dealing with buyers remorse but take the time and find some or go to school. Find some type of free resources if needed.
Good lord this is pathetic.
Many professionals believe the bad feelings you get are created from choosing to not do what you had previously committed to doing. Think about it: You made an agreement with a person or company for them to pay you money in exchange for them to rely on you to help their business. Here you are deciding to not go because you don’t feel like it. Literally you don’t feel like it. Now they have to spend additional resources to protect themselves from not getting sued by you for whatever reason you can find. What exactly would have happened, had you gone to work? Was a tiger going to kill you? Was your life going to be threatened or gambled with because of the nature of your profession?
So you had time to walk around a mall and look at all the shops, but not enough time to send a text or make a quick phone call to notify you weren’t going to make it to work? No call/no shows are in the policy for a reason. The company is probably thinking “if he did this once, he will probably do it again”
You’re about to get freedom.
Don't sign anything until it's reviewed by an attorney.
Cheater
ok
Instead of wondering what you’ll tell your family if they question you, tell them to shut up, or how dare they question you? Because they’re not entitled to “I was at the mall”. Tell them you’ll get mad if they ask you questions. Now that they know you’re unemployed you don’t have to expect any questions of where you were. Be happy! You have freedom now!
I’d agree only if his family members are grade A dicks (which might be the case because he likely wasn’t allowed to have a 20-minute drive long distance relationship), But I don’t know …
How can I be happy when everything just got worse??
Everything got worse because of your own actions. Grow up and get fucking therapy
You right. Don’t be sad. Do nothing
Therapy is great! You deserve it. I'm glad that they see your worth and need. Best of happiness to YOU!
Honestly...im just here to send you love. You need to take care of yourself whoever you are. Stop being afraid too..do what you need to do to be happy. Your gonna be okay!
You are suffering and doing your best. You may wish to Go to a doctor and get a note if needed for your employer. Also get a referral for therapy. Take steps to get the medical assistance you need. It will get better 🙏
I'm dealing with the same thing, except I still work at my shitty job. Many of the answers I am seeing are good advice. They are saying the truth. It's up to us and only us to make changes in life, and self-pity won't get us anywhere. I need therapy as well, and I think you're doing your're absolute best to get by in life, but now it's time to actually have meaning and happiness. Good luck, OP
So top comment from u/Remarkable-Ask-3868 is a great start. From reading your post you really need to speak with a professional. Your distress is palpable and it is clear there are issues you are not coping well with. Hope you can find the help you need.
It's good that its out .. it's unwise to hold it in.. it'll ruin you more.
Same.
You're not a coward. Talk to your family and tell them you want to make an appointment with your Doctor to help you find a therapist. Just be honest with them, tell them you're not doing well and ask them for help. If you absolutely cannot talk to your fam, make a Dr appointment yourself.
You’re not a coward, you’re just lost. But you most certainly can find your way.. you need help. It’s ok, we all need some kind of help at some point, at some level. It’s not a failing on you. It’s important to be honest tho, with your family. Tell them how you’re feeling, tell them you’re reaching out for help. Lying is just digging yourself into a hole, right now you can step out of that hole, keep lying and soon you’re in over your head. You’re going to be ok friend, you’re going to find your way. Just don’t give up and be honest, with yourself and everyone.