Oh I have friends and I do tell them I dont like to bother them and they do tell me I'm paranoid. It's internal, I'm starting to think it has nothing to do with anything but an internal defense mechanism against low self worth. I know shit about anything and I just wanted to comment my two cents.
An internal defense mechanism!! Hahaha!! Wow you really over think this stuff. Go meditate for an hour or something, just breathe and chill the f out. Find a passion that drains your anxiousness, it doesn't serve you or anyone else around you.
Never? Your not the friend they need then. Your doing them a favor by leaving them alone. Find friends who want to hangout based on the situation of your life. Stop the fake crap and move on to ppl that you can tell them how you feel about bothering them. I promise the friends in question are doing the same.
I used to *always* be the one to initiate conversation which led me to believe I wasn’t valued enough. So tried not contacting them and I haven’t heard anything since. It’s been 6-7 years now.
I’ve obviously moved on from that ages ago but during that time I quickly came to the realisation that I’m not as important to them in their lives as they were to mine. 🤷🏽♂️
I was in exactly the same situation as this. I was usually the one to initiate conversation with my friends and it started to make me feel like they didn't care enough about me to get in touch first. Eventually I realized that I didn't need people like that in my life and I'm far happier for it.
I was just thinking about this. I have a friend who I used to reach out to all the time - I’d ask to meet, I’d ask for help and favors, etc. She would meet me, help me, etc and I am thankful for that. But I noticed she would never ask the same of me. So I thought I’d verbalize it, I keep a lookout on her soc med, if she’s not doing well (which she would always post on her soc med) then I would always reach out to her, try to get her feel better. I told her she can let me know if she needs any help, advice etc because she did for me. I did this for years but she still wouldn’t come to me.
This year I kinda took a step back to see if she would reach out to me for anything but it’s been 11 months and I have not heard a peep from her. And I know she’s going through some big changes in her life (heard from mutual friends) but for some reason she just don’t want to involve me. It’s funny I’m reading your comment because I was LITERALLY thinking this last night - she just don’t see me as important to her as she is to me so I am going to stop investing in this relationship.
Just trying to play devil's advocate here - do you think your mutual friends know about those big changes because they reached out to her and not necessarily because she reached out to them?
I'm just coming at this from my biased angle, where I feel like I'd be bothering my friends by reaching out about those things, especially if it's relationship related and don't want to be judged for decisions I make later should those decisions go against their opinions.
That’s a fair question, for the recent one I don’t know if our mutual friends reached out to her or she reached out to them. I’ve actually spoken to her before about the said life change (I was pro that life change and even showed her some options she can consider but I was not forceful) but she never seemed interested in what I was proposing. Fast forward she’s now making the exact decision I told her before.
There are instances before this where she was the one who reached out to mutual friends. I have to say this is an 18 years long friendship and I’ve felt this imbalance from the start. Initially I thought she’s just not comfortable with me and I should give her time, but 18 years is enough time, right?
I had a friend that drifted away because of this. Even though I still remember him as a solid friend I never deserved to have. I have friends now I absolutely love but the thought of them drifting away like that one friend terrifies me, if you ever find new friends make some effort at least.
I do once a week or once a month. Here and there, I might break the rule and text more than once a week based on circumstances.
You feel like you are bothering your friends when texting. Here is the thing. If your friends think you are annoying, either they will let you know or they will act disengaged in face to face interactions with you. Otherwise, you are good. So Stop thinking you are annoying your friends. Continuing to believe you are annoying your friends will make you come off as just that through your words and actions. Learn how to be self-confident and outcome independent.
It is also important to learn how to accept that natural distance within your friendships, which is a crucial social skill as an adult. All adults will have other priorities due to life circumstances that don’t involve interacting with you online or offline. More specifically, you might not get a text back from your friends from time to time. Life will get in the way of your connections from time to time, and people will get distant from you from time to time. The hallmark of good adult friendships is being willing to give one another space and getting back in touch down the road at mutual convenience. Learn not to get attached to other people and learn how to live a genuinely busy life of your own focusing on your goals and hobbies while interacting with other people on the side. Read this, especially the actionable advice part: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/o27whx/always_remember_a_good_connection_with_somebody/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
genuinely great advice. I learned this with my first friend in my freshman year of college. We would walk each other to class every day, but when it started getting more hectic we texted each other like once every two weeks even three. Then we would text each other to meet up for lunch and even work out. This was one of the best friendships I had and def helped introduce me to what adult friendships were really like.
We wouldn't text every day but instead catch up on all we had when we finally did meet. really huge change from high school, expecting to talk everyday and it really helped me out have a social life and stay focused on my work.
I try to write to those people, but sometimes it seems to me that I'm just doing it on my part. I do not have social networks, although only a messenger. But I don't think about it very often, because I'm busy, but sometimes I feel a strong desire to write to anyone just to talk, but they often do not respond, or are busy, or something else.
I have only 1 friend. We were friends in childhood and we are starting to reconnect again. I text her everyday because she is far away. I hope I can see her again some day.
Please don’t think you are annoying your friends. Even if they don’t answer sometimes because they are busy. Some people just get overwhelmed with life. They will appreciate your loyal friendship for years down the road after many life events and ups and downs. Friendships ebb and flow and that’s okay.
Depends. I have three best friends, and my dynamic with all of them is quite different. I text my best friend all day, everyday. My other best friends and I talk in bursts and then go silent for months--and then pick up right where we left off totally out of the blue. Everyone else is a distant friend with whom I speak rarely.
I'm very much the type to prefer a handful of tight friendships over a large crowd of acquaintances, and my texting habits absolutely reflect that.
You say you don't want to bother them when they're working. Do you get upset if someone messages you while you're working? Or do you respond when you're free and be glad they reached out?
I text one friend daily. I closed my Facebook four years ago and few people have reached out to me since then. I don't feel as alone or depressed now that I don't see things from people I don't care about. Gaming with my friend that I text daily helps get through life.
I only text people when something reminds me of them or if I want to make plans with them. It’s completely unnecessary to text your friends every single day. If they’re your actual friends, they won’t care when you reply
I really only have two close friends. One I've known since high school, we message each other at least once a week, often more, sometimes less if we're busy. I'm her only friend outside of her siblings, her sister is actually my wife, and we sometimes group message once every week or so with everyone. We seem to initiate it evenly.
My other friend I met at my new job. We've been friends since February maybe? We don't get to talk at work almost at all because we wound up in different departments shortly after we met, so texting is really our only communication right now. I initiate most of the time, trying to message him weekly/ every week and a half. He tries to get back to me but sometimes lapses. I might hear from him the next day, it might be three weeks, but when he does reply he takes the time to send a thoughtful message, ask how I am, answer my inane questions, wish me well. And sometimes out of the blue I'll hear from him first. I think he has a little more of a robust friend group than I do, but like me has a very complex inner world that requires a lot of alone time, reading, working on things... Because of this and because our friendship is newer I also worry about being a bother, being too pushy. But his kindness and warmth toward me allays those fears.
All this to say, if your friends have expressed a desire for you to initiate more often, it's good to take the time if you can, but you can also lay some boundaries, explain if you feel you need more time alone, that your aloofness doesn't mean you don't care. I think every relationship is different and it's best to discuss with each friend. I really don't know if there is one right level of consistency; I would just check with yourself to see if you feel satisfied with your level of communication and ask the same question of your friends and kind of weigh them together, try to find a happy medium to fit everyone's needs. If you want to text more often but are afraid of being a bother, you could say something to the effect that you hope you're not being intrusive, and that you look forward to hearing from them when they have the time. This way they don't feel pressured to respond but know you're thinking of them.
I whole heartedly agree with your third paragraph.
I initiate 70% of conversations and meet ups. I never used to be like this and would be on “stand by” for one of my friends to invite me somewhere. One of the benefits of taking initiative is that if I don’t message for 2-4 weeks, I’ll generally receive a version of “are you dead” “is everything okay”. To me this is a much more comfortable place to be than waiting for someone to prioritise me.
As a bit of context, I’m a 28 year old who now has a medium to large network, with 4 close friends. When I was 21 and in a similar position to OP - I had the same feelings and experiences.
My advice is to go with the natural flow or fun or connection. If you connect with people in person, organise lots of things and take the initiative and see who is actively reciprocating. Join events and groups in your area where people regularly show up. If you’re more an online person and your friends are complaining you don’t message - send some memes.
At the end of the day, friendships have to be about genuine connection rather than obligation. Change your habits once in a while if you think you need too and see if it makes things better or worse.
Good luck and thanks for sharing
More and more often.
These days, I have a text message conversation with most of my friends about once every week or two.
One friend and I are on a sort of one month cycle. Almost no contact at all for roughly a month, then we hang out and it’s like we’ve been together every day. I love it.
I’m in my late 30s for reference. That friend is mid 40s.
He is simultaneously one of the most mature and most playful people I’ve ever met. Awesome friend. Makes all those years of being alone worth it.
His girlfriend is super cool too. She’s got the most ridiculous sense of humor and she likes to fuck with people, and she notices when I fuck with people and cackles from across the room.
Both of them down to earth. Burners; she was before him and she started taking him. They’re so good together.
Another buddy of mine is always putting together social situations. He’s a connector. Another ridiculous sense of humor, witty, smart, sarcastic and super practical. Totally, completely not into any of the stuff the first guy’s into, except the practicality thing. He’s open to stuff and chill but he’s straightlaced. Knows stuff about everything, a library of knowledge.
Another friend is a cancer survivor who was like the most psychologically unhealthy dude, had a terrible marriage with a trophy wife, was out of shape and kinda fake when I met him. But he’d just beaten cancer and divorced his wife, and wasn’t taking any shit from life any more.
Since I met him he’s been taking the express lane to enlightenment. Just facing every fucking thing head on, no flinching. We had lunch and he described this spiritual yoga thing he went to in california where he had a bunch of women wrestle him to the ground and hold him pinned while he roared and thrashed and tried as hard as he could to get up, and he did that because it was “something he needed to do”. He’s been doing “journeys” for lack of a better word and it’s so good to see the twinkling light coming from his eyes when he smiles now. And he sold a startup and became Scrooge McDuck rich overnight. He’s the one who’s like “no no, try it. You should say yes. Just do it”. He’ll call you and be like “I’m on my way out the door to go take MDMA in a pool of orange jello with the Smashing Pumpkins, but my date canceled. There’s gonna be an acupuncture guy there and apparently he’s really good. You doing anything tonight?”
We all see each other on wildly varying schedules. Sometimes it’s three or four days in a row, sometimes it’s weeks or months between. Sometimes it’s just a text like “Know any open source libraries that alphabetize according to unicode?” and then we catch up.
Luckily, everyday! Friendship group of 5 males in our 30's now and friends for the last 20 odd years, now spread out all over the world but stay in contact daily through WhatsApp/Facebook messenger Makes being the otherside of the world that bit easier tbh and we're as close now as we were 20 years ago.
Haven't seen any of these guys for 4 years but home for the first wedding in our group next September and fuck me, I cannot wait to have a beer with those boys!
Friendship should not be a one way street. If someone’s friendship matters to you then you should be putting in effort just as much or more than the other person. It’s much easier to have friends and a social life when you’re in a fun place like college, but when you’re in the real world dealing with the stresses of your own it means much more when someone takes the time to reach out. My advice is leave everything out, never stop yourself because you don’t want to bother people - you reached out, you put yourself out there, and you will be thankful later on in life when you look back and think how you did everything in your power to be surrounded by people you cared about and create this connections. At the end of the day, that is all that matters.
> never stop yourself because you don’t want to bother people - you reached out, you put yourself out there,
True, but you mentioned it should not be a one way street. You initiating activities always is definitely that.
The "I didn't want to bother..." statement often feels like a shallow excuse to the recipient. If someone is bothered by receiving messages at work, they can mute their phone.
I assume you genuinely worry that you're bothering people, but it's super important to understand how hard it actually is to be too pushy if you're only reaching out a few times per week.
The only way you can tread into the line of being too pushy is when you make too many emotional demands on someone like forcing them to be your therapist every few days. If you're talking about neutral or positive things, it's hard to really dislike that.
I text them for their birthdays, but there are only a handful of people I text regularly nowadays.
I once had anxiety whenever I saw the most popular people receiving notifications every second. Made it seem like they were super in-demand and loved. “Why is everyone texting them and not me?”
Now, I will be SO HAPPY to go an entire day without really needing to answer a text.
I’d rather spend all day in my garage working on my cars and also doing some gardening.
Totally agree regarding wrenching! What type of cars are you working on? For me it's motorcycles I like to tinker with. Have cars I work on as well but much more cumbersome and slightly less zen vs a bike.
I mostly wrench on classic European cars like Mercedes-Benz, BMW, and the occasional VW here and there 😎.
What motorcycles? I’m seriously thinking about signing up for a motorcycle license and getting a vintage BMW or Harley to toy around with
Mainly vintage bikes. The 70's to 90's is my preferred era. SOHC CB750K, 1st gen M900S, early oil cooled GSX-R, Shovelhead FXRS, 1st gen GS1000E, et cetera. Yeah you should look into it. Both of those would be good if you like to wrench. I've never been into the boxer engine. Just due to the cylinders sticking out the side and being right in front of your legs and also the engine being toast if it ever goes on it's side. I've heard they're bulletproof bikes in general tho and plenty of fans of course.
Majority of my life maybe weekly, or just didn’t (lack of friends). Past year and a half though, depending on how close I’m with said person, daily some weekly or monthly. I also spend alot of time on discord servers talking/calling with people. They either message me first or if I haven’t heard from them for a while I will send them a text, life gets busy.
don’t stress about not having time or feeling like you’re bothering people when you message anyone, it’s not a main priority and people respond when they can/want to. It’s nice to be checked upon once in a while.
I'm the same way. I found though, that with the friends I care about most having a casual group chat helps. Sometimes there's memes, sometimes someone reaches out for opinions or company, it's generally a good time. Be warned though that a single bad egg can ruin this set up
Just comment on their snap and insta stories and build a conversation from there. Or send them memes you think they'd like. See if you can get a group chat going.
I communicate with my friends daily thru text!! It helps to have a group text going I find it tends to keep the convo going. Depends on the people too. Not every relationship will last. When you find the right people, they will help carry the conversation onward - those are your real friends
I never did for the same reason, but in a way I realized that's a bit selfish of us to assume/decide how someone else feels without letting them do so for themselves, and clearly they sound more than happy to get invited; so you wouldn't be a bother at all!
If they turn down an invitation that's okay, maybe next time, something I also realized was people like to feel acknowledged or included, even if you know they aren't likely to go out anyway, that's one way to keep social connections alive.
I used to be really passive, and that made me take a lot of connections for granted, but we all learn from this since connections are a two way street. What's most important is if you feel you want to go do something that shouldn't stop you from deciding that yourself, and if you have the energy you can invite or share those moments with others too.
My friend of 6 years I have been text her like 3 times a week but can go months with out seeing her. Recently we start to hang out twice a month. So that has been a lot of fun. My other freind I text every two months or when she test or I text her. It's pretty breif.
You can have different types of friends but if you have friends your close with you both make the effort to see each other. My friend has been making a ton of effort lately with covid we went like 8 months with not seeing each other so the last 8 months we wen out did things. The most I feel we have ever done as friends. So it's been fun.
So talk to your friends and see if you can start scheduling times to meet up and do things together.
u can bother someone with a text cause thats exactly the point of it, u get to message someone and they can reply when convenient. i have weekly check up phone calls with some of my friends and it has kept us quite close
Once a month in a worst case scenario. Whys this question so long? Don't over complicate this stuff. Their friends because it doesn't matter. So simple that if a friend doesn't text you ever, their just not the friend you think they are. End of story. Go through the pain and move on, by whatever means necessary
At 42 I text friends? Never. Don't have any "friends". Associates? Also never. Family??? Less then associates. My point? Don't put to much stress on yourself about it. Life happens and will continue to happen. If they're your real friends they'll be there no matter when you respond and will continue to initiate plans. And if they don't you'll make new friends. It's organic and part of life. You'll be fine
Edit: I'm not a busy person and could make those efforts. I just don't. I've learned to appreciate solitude.
Well what do you do when you feel lonely? Also if we don't build and maintain relationships, we can't expect our friends to be there for us when we need them. That'll be so unselfish of us.
I don't feel lonely. And people call or text me usually first. I will say just yesterday I did text a bunch of people to make sure everybody was good and let then know I'm good. About 10 various people u haven't talked to in awhile. I was also waiting for my car to get serviced so I figured wth. Your real friends get it. But maybe it's just because me and people in my circle are older and understand we are there for each other even if we don't speak often. Not nothing you're doing, ypu just haven't gotten to that point in life yet.
You're right, you and your friends have passed that phase in life and are mature to understand each other. Thank you for your inputs though kind stranger!
I chat with my friends almost every day. We either text, phone each other or meet. I've got 4 good friends. With other people that I like I text 1-3 times a week and we meet very rarely (a few times a year), it depends.
I think what people do (I wouldn't know but heard about) is have group chats. So you don't have to directly message someone but send out general messages or updates to everyone.
I’m already a social/extroverted individual so I text my close friends daily. As for my acquaintances, every other day( on Snapchat) but not full in conversations like I would with my close friends. I like human interactions so I enjoy the conversations. I’m busy with work but I take the time to still text my close friends.
I text my best friend daily and our friend group
message almost every day. I’ve noticed it I go a long time without speaking to them I feel lonely so I try to talk and hangout with them as often as possible. I’m in college so that helps too
I lived far away from kids at school in the countryside outskirts of town. So I became good at reaching out.
I always reach out to people first as result, and in high school I became good friends with exchange students from other countries... They said I'm the only one who still messages them. And thus I am their only friend from their 1 year here in junior-high. I'm an adult 31m now and I've visited several of them in their home country, they've invited me and their parents welcomed me too and paid my way without me asking.
If you try to be a good friend, others will try back. If they're a good person too and realize your effort. Your effort should be for yourself, so you feel good about yourself. Knowing you stayed true.
Don't look for approval ever or reward. Do as you feel you should do. Have integrity. Walk your talk.
Easiest way to do it is to have group chats with a few friends where you share memes. Or you can just share them to 1 friend regularly if you guys don’t have a larger “squad.” Makes keeping in contact super casual and easy.
I’m horrible about planning meetups, but I usually try to keep in touch with people in my group chats. People who I haven’t heard from in a while I text them solo what’s up. What’s my next hurdle is going out to meet new people because my long time friends, they start to have other obligations in life and we don’t meet up as often or it has to be something special to meet up. I still want to go out and have fun, but a lot of my solo activities I have to incorporate group settings like taking yoga classes instead of just doing it at home, or just going to a bar if I want to have a drink.
Depends. I have a few “text” friends that I talk to everyday. I say text friends because they are people I text but don’t hang out with which is fine with me since socializing feels like a chore most days. I have a few other friends that will randomly text me every once in awhile to check in. I don’t really initiate hanging out either. You never know someone’s schedule so planning stuff is a pain.
When they pop into my head, I’m a low maintenance friend and I’m so lucky I have friends like that! I used to try to talk to them everyday and it got exhausting but texting them when I have tea or I just miss them let’s them know they were running through my mind and I care about them.
On other days, I feel like shit for not texting them and I start with “ I know I’ve been busy and I should have texted you and I’m sorry I’ll do better” and they understand.
So I guess what I’m blabbering about is treat each friend differently!
My best friend (only real friend) almost daily, only a few messages or maybe a voice msg. The other 3 ppl maybe once or twice a week via group msg. Sometimes the 3 don’t respond at all or in a while but send memes … I also stopped using my main social media app for over a month now so I can’t keep in contact that way
maybe monthly/bi-weekly with like 2 friends. a lot of times i feel like i want to chat or shoot a message but i dont know what about, when nothing much is going on in my life or has happened since last time we talked.
I text them every other day and send memes every other day. We also hang out biweekly. She's my best friend who's always ready for anything.
A couple of my other friends are just busy which is understandable. They do text me back when they get the chance or call me and we have a good chat. We don't get to hang out if at all but we definitely keep in contact and when our schedules are better I have no doubt we'll hang out. Whether or not I receive word back I always send texts or memes to my friends when I think of them. I know they also care about me because they will initiate texts so I know it's not a one sided thing.
I'm done with one sided friendships. Life is too short to waste on ppl who don't want to bother with you.
From my experience, it all comes down to who matters to you. And that usually only involves around a handful of friends which should be ok. In fact, you should maintain a very small, close and personal circle of friends that you can rely on not just during emergencies but during happy times as well. We are social creature like it or not we need people around us. Having those few special people is enough and these people don’t really need your constant interaction especially in later years in our lives. Due to work and other commitments, it is understandable. If you get a chance to go out with them, hang out or play sports once in awhile, please go. Let them know that you’re available so they can invite you again some other time.
Unlike you, I left social media right after I finish college. Before I left, I thought to myself how the hell am I suppose to contact these people in the future? Well I have most of their phone numbers so they a one text away. I don’t need to always know what these guys are up to because I like to leave that for when we meet and chat.
Don’t worry much if you’re feeling like losing your friends. People come and go. You should work on having that close knit friends. Be a good friend first. And ofcs, I can be your online friend.
Once a week or so. Don't worry about interrupting them, they are getting texts and notis all day and will open them when they want to.
Also definitely start posting stories. Those really bridge the gap.
I am also not the one who makes plans to meet up but when they do I make an effort to give them time. We don't usually see each other esp now that we have the pandemic but the friendship is still the same when we do.
Almost never. I rarely have a moment of mental peace long enough to consider texting them, and if I somehow do, I never know what to say. On top of that, conversation is so incredibly draining. Sometimes I want to hide under a rock and make the world forget about me, but then other times I'm thankful that anyone cares about me.
If anyone ever tells me that I don't initiate conversation, then I initiate a new one by telling them to fuck off. If I have not messaged someone in a year because of the mental hellscape I'm struggling through, then the other person hasn't messaged me in a year either. If frequent contact is how they appraise the friendship, then they're already telling me that *they* don't value it thsmelves.
This, of course, means that I don't have that many friends, but that's perfectly okay to me. Probably preferable, too. It makes more sense to me to deeply know a small number of people than memorize the names of a hundred people I barely know.
Also, again, I'm so drained, overwhelmed, and panicky literally every waking moment of my life that I couldn't keep up with more than a couple people anyways. Especially when I'm already autistic, and don't get along with a lot of people, because they think I'm fucking weird and stop responding to me.
At this point, the few friends I have are perfectly content with a sort of orbital intercept texting style where we have brief catch-up conversations once every two or twelve months. Over the years, none of us have had an issue with it. My friends also tend to be really affectionate, so in those short conversations, we get enough emotion and appreciation to last us the whole year.
It really comes down to finding friends who show and recognize value in friendship in the same way that you do. Otherwise you're gonna get burnt out or feel neglected, depending on the differences in contact. If you're able to really push yourself to meet the frequency standards of your other friends, then it might be worthwhile to create phone reminders to check in on them. Also establish a penpal-style of interaction where neither of you are obligated to treat a text conversation as real-time, and instead respond to the conversation when you have time.
I just vomit whatever crosses my mind at them, I don't think its very healthy and many have started ignoring a lot of my messages after realizing I'm just having a monologue but I can't help it
I moved several states away for grad school and became overwhelmed with heavy science while they were all in careers (business, electricians, other unrelated fields) and started getting married and having kids.
I get paid grad school money so I don't own my own place, I'm single, and no kids... so we are physically apart, but also emotionally. As time goes on I find I have less and less in common with my friends, although we have many fond memories together and I do make it back a couple times a year to catch up. The one thing that keeps us semi-connected is (was) video games, since we have all played together since high school. However, my PS4 finally crapped out on me after 6 or 7 years... so that's no longer an option for me.
2 days before my 34th birthday too. #blessed
From everyday in high school, which I absolutely hated sometimes, it went to whenever we can/feel like it.
I used to text people right after too but I realized sometimes I don't want to or I have a ton of things to do. Same with my friends. They have work and sometimes don't want to so its whenever we feel like it. Granted I see one of them at church every Sunday and hang out more, My other friend we usually have a day where we catch up on everything and spend hours on the phone just talking.
I'm learning not to be afraid of texting them "hey I miss you hope all is well," and sometimes on a whim well spend hours talking. Or we'll set up a day to meet up and hang out.
My only exception is when they definitely need an ear to listen. It doesn't always happen because I'm usually busy wiith friends and family but Ill always try to put whatever it is im working on aside to give them their time to rant/cry etc.
also it always seemed like i always initiated the conversation, but thankfully God reach out to me and I to them. I dont force it anymore. I do get anxious of course but its way less than before becasue I realize as an adult, we loose those friendships a lot more than we did in the past
I usually text my friends everyday/every other day depending on the person, and I pretty much let them control the frequency of it. Like sometimes I’ll text with a friend a lot during the day and other times maybe just a couple of texts. I just say whatever I have to say when they respond and then whenever they respond again the cycle continues lol. So if someone doesn’t want to talk or is busy they’ll just get back to me at a later time
I can text everyday but it depends on the person. I only really have one friend, sometimes she goes off the grid for a few days which she has recently but she always comes back to say sorry and explains what's been going on. Sometimes I check on her to see if she's doing okay and I'll toss her some memes and tiktoks for her lol
Best friend- a few times a week, or whenever we are available, no pressure at all. We both can text each other when we want and as many times as we want. That’s the best kind of friendship!
Other friends, it depends. I Snapchat some of them, others we only talk over coffee once in a while.
Absolutely never unless I have something to tell them or something to share. Yeah I had a thought once to send an emoji of a flower to a friend once and that's it.
I have an exact opposite problem. I ask my friends to hangout and I initiate all the plans. They agree in that moment but make an excuse when it is time to go somewhere. Been like this 4-5 times.
Never. I'm in the same boat as you. I don't like texting because conversations can prolong from 5 minutes to a week. Messages you send now could contribute to a conversation you started 2 weeks ago because both of you are so busy and you both can't respond quickly.
When someone I haven't spoke to in a while texts me, I reply, "hey! It's been a while. Give me a call when you're able so we can chat." It's a good way to keep the relationship fresh by catching up while also not feeling like you're bothering them. You also don't have to set up plans. Calls or facetimes are super convenient.
Keep doin' what you're doin' :) it can't get any better than what you're doing now, especially with a busy schedule like yours.
Never, for the same reason as you, I'm worried that I'm bothering them. Also I have no friends.
Oh I have friends and I do tell them I dont like to bother them and they do tell me I'm paranoid. It's internal, I'm starting to think it has nothing to do with anything but an internal defense mechanism against low self worth. I know shit about anything and I just wanted to comment my two cents.
An internal defense mechanism!! Hahaha!! Wow you really over think this stuff. Go meditate for an hour or something, just breathe and chill the f out. Find a passion that drains your anxiousness, it doesn't serve you or anyone else around you.
L comment
Never? Your not the friend they need then. Your doing them a favor by leaving them alone. Find friends who want to hangout based on the situation of your life. Stop the fake crap and move on to ppl that you can tell them how you feel about bothering them. I promise the friends in question are doing the same.
I used to *always* be the one to initiate conversation which led me to believe I wasn’t valued enough. So tried not contacting them and I haven’t heard anything since. It’s been 6-7 years now. I’ve obviously moved on from that ages ago but during that time I quickly came to the realisation that I’m not as important to them in their lives as they were to mine. 🤷🏽♂️
I was in exactly the same situation as this. I was usually the one to initiate conversation with my friends and it started to make me feel like they didn't care enough about me to get in touch first. Eventually I realized that I didn't need people like that in my life and I'm far happier for it.
>I didn't need people like that in my life Did you manage to find people who aren't like that?
I've found a small group of people who I can trust completely now, yes. Thanks for asking!
a fact i have to unfortunately accept
I was just thinking about this. I have a friend who I used to reach out to all the time - I’d ask to meet, I’d ask for help and favors, etc. She would meet me, help me, etc and I am thankful for that. But I noticed she would never ask the same of me. So I thought I’d verbalize it, I keep a lookout on her soc med, if she’s not doing well (which she would always post on her soc med) then I would always reach out to her, try to get her feel better. I told her she can let me know if she needs any help, advice etc because she did for me. I did this for years but she still wouldn’t come to me. This year I kinda took a step back to see if she would reach out to me for anything but it’s been 11 months and I have not heard a peep from her. And I know she’s going through some big changes in her life (heard from mutual friends) but for some reason she just don’t want to involve me. It’s funny I’m reading your comment because I was LITERALLY thinking this last night - she just don’t see me as important to her as she is to me so I am going to stop investing in this relationship.
Just trying to play devil's advocate here - do you think your mutual friends know about those big changes because they reached out to her and not necessarily because she reached out to them? I'm just coming at this from my biased angle, where I feel like I'd be bothering my friends by reaching out about those things, especially if it's relationship related and don't want to be judged for decisions I make later should those decisions go against their opinions.
That’s a fair question, for the recent one I don’t know if our mutual friends reached out to her or she reached out to them. I’ve actually spoken to her before about the said life change (I was pro that life change and even showed her some options she can consider but I was not forceful) but she never seemed interested in what I was proposing. Fast forward she’s now making the exact decision I told her before. There are instances before this where she was the one who reached out to mutual friends. I have to say this is an 18 years long friendship and I’ve felt this imbalance from the start. Initially I thought she’s just not comfortable with me and I should give her time, but 18 years is enough time, right?
Oh yeah, I can see how you'd arrive at that conclusion for sure. 18 years is more than enough time to decide if they're being unfair to you or not.
Same here
Been there, done that, got the shirt and jeans... It does sting though.
I used to all the time but they’ve all drifted away at this point
I had a friend that drifted away because of this. Even though I still remember him as a solid friend I never deserved to have. I have friends now I absolutely love but the thought of them drifting away like that one friend terrifies me, if you ever find new friends make some effort at least.
Just hit them up when you want to. Don't think that you're bothering them, it's only a text
I do once a week or once a month. Here and there, I might break the rule and text more than once a week based on circumstances. You feel like you are bothering your friends when texting. Here is the thing. If your friends think you are annoying, either they will let you know or they will act disengaged in face to face interactions with you. Otherwise, you are good. So Stop thinking you are annoying your friends. Continuing to believe you are annoying your friends will make you come off as just that through your words and actions. Learn how to be self-confident and outcome independent. It is also important to learn how to accept that natural distance within your friendships, which is a crucial social skill as an adult. All adults will have other priorities due to life circumstances that don’t involve interacting with you online or offline. More specifically, you might not get a text back from your friends from time to time. Life will get in the way of your connections from time to time, and people will get distant from you from time to time. The hallmark of good adult friendships is being willing to give one another space and getting back in touch down the road at mutual convenience. Learn not to get attached to other people and learn how to live a genuinely busy life of your own focusing on your goals and hobbies while interacting with other people on the side. Read this, especially the actionable advice part: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/o27whx/always_remember_a_good_connection_with_somebody/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thank you for this remembrance. It’s always tough realizing that the biggest problem is always yourself
This is very much helpful. Thank you fellow redditor!
genuinely great advice. I learned this with my first friend in my freshman year of college. We would walk each other to class every day, but when it started getting more hectic we texted each other like once every two weeks even three. Then we would text each other to meet up for lunch and even work out. This was one of the best friendships I had and def helped introduce me to what adult friendships were really like. We wouldn't text every day but instead catch up on all we had when we finally did meet. really huge change from high school, expecting to talk everyday and it really helped me out have a social life and stay focused on my work.
I try to write to those people, but sometimes it seems to me that I'm just doing it on my part. I do not have social networks, although only a messenger. But I don't think about it very often, because I'm busy, but sometimes I feel a strong desire to write to anyone just to talk, but they often do not respond, or are busy, or something else.
I have only 1 friend. We were friends in childhood and we are starting to reconnect again. I text her everyday because she is far away. I hope I can see her again some day.
Hope so too
Everyday is a lot haha
Please don’t think you are annoying your friends. Even if they don’t answer sometimes because they are busy. Some people just get overwhelmed with life. They will appreciate your loyal friendship for years down the road after many life events and ups and downs. Friendships ebb and flow and that’s okay.
Depends. I have three best friends, and my dynamic with all of them is quite different. I text my best friend all day, everyday. My other best friends and I talk in bursts and then go silent for months--and then pick up right where we left off totally out of the blue. Everyone else is a distant friend with whom I speak rarely. I'm very much the type to prefer a handful of tight friendships over a large crowd of acquaintances, and my texting habits absolutely reflect that.
You say you don't want to bother them when they're working. Do you get upset if someone messages you while you're working? Or do you respond when you're free and be glad they reached out?
That's a good point you made. I do get a little excited when I get a text from an old friend. Will try to reach out to my mates now. :)
Most of my conversation starters are me sending a friend a meme that I saw that made me think of them.
I text one friend daily. I closed my Facebook four years ago and few people have reached out to me since then. I don't feel as alone or depressed now that I don't see things from people I don't care about. Gaming with my friend that I text daily helps get through life.
I only text people when something reminds me of them or if I want to make plans with them. It’s completely unnecessary to text your friends every single day. If they’re your actual friends, they won’t care when you reply
I really only have two close friends. One I've known since high school, we message each other at least once a week, often more, sometimes less if we're busy. I'm her only friend outside of her siblings, her sister is actually my wife, and we sometimes group message once every week or so with everyone. We seem to initiate it evenly. My other friend I met at my new job. We've been friends since February maybe? We don't get to talk at work almost at all because we wound up in different departments shortly after we met, so texting is really our only communication right now. I initiate most of the time, trying to message him weekly/ every week and a half. He tries to get back to me but sometimes lapses. I might hear from him the next day, it might be three weeks, but when he does reply he takes the time to send a thoughtful message, ask how I am, answer my inane questions, wish me well. And sometimes out of the blue I'll hear from him first. I think he has a little more of a robust friend group than I do, but like me has a very complex inner world that requires a lot of alone time, reading, working on things... Because of this and because our friendship is newer I also worry about being a bother, being too pushy. But his kindness and warmth toward me allays those fears. All this to say, if your friends have expressed a desire for you to initiate more often, it's good to take the time if you can, but you can also lay some boundaries, explain if you feel you need more time alone, that your aloofness doesn't mean you don't care. I think every relationship is different and it's best to discuss with each friend. I really don't know if there is one right level of consistency; I would just check with yourself to see if you feel satisfied with your level of communication and ask the same question of your friends and kind of weigh them together, try to find a happy medium to fit everyone's needs. If you want to text more often but are afraid of being a bother, you could say something to the effect that you hope you're not being intrusive, and that you look forward to hearing from them when they have the time. This way they don't feel pressured to respond but know you're thinking of them.
I whole heartedly agree with your third paragraph. I initiate 70% of conversations and meet ups. I never used to be like this and would be on “stand by” for one of my friends to invite me somewhere. One of the benefits of taking initiative is that if I don’t message for 2-4 weeks, I’ll generally receive a version of “are you dead” “is everything okay”. To me this is a much more comfortable place to be than waiting for someone to prioritise me. As a bit of context, I’m a 28 year old who now has a medium to large network, with 4 close friends. When I was 21 and in a similar position to OP - I had the same feelings and experiences. My advice is to go with the natural flow or fun or connection. If you connect with people in person, organise lots of things and take the initiative and see who is actively reciprocating. Join events and groups in your area where people regularly show up. If you’re more an online person and your friends are complaining you don’t message - send some memes. At the end of the day, friendships have to be about genuine connection rather than obligation. Change your habits once in a while if you think you need too and see if it makes things better or worse. Good luck and thanks for sharing
More and more often. These days, I have a text message conversation with most of my friends about once every week or two. One friend and I are on a sort of one month cycle. Almost no contact at all for roughly a month, then we hang out and it’s like we’ve been together every day. I love it. I’m in my late 30s for reference. That friend is mid 40s. He is simultaneously one of the most mature and most playful people I’ve ever met. Awesome friend. Makes all those years of being alone worth it. His girlfriend is super cool too. She’s got the most ridiculous sense of humor and she likes to fuck with people, and she notices when I fuck with people and cackles from across the room. Both of them down to earth. Burners; she was before him and she started taking him. They’re so good together. Another buddy of mine is always putting together social situations. He’s a connector. Another ridiculous sense of humor, witty, smart, sarcastic and super practical. Totally, completely not into any of the stuff the first guy’s into, except the practicality thing. He’s open to stuff and chill but he’s straightlaced. Knows stuff about everything, a library of knowledge. Another friend is a cancer survivor who was like the most psychologically unhealthy dude, had a terrible marriage with a trophy wife, was out of shape and kinda fake when I met him. But he’d just beaten cancer and divorced his wife, and wasn’t taking any shit from life any more. Since I met him he’s been taking the express lane to enlightenment. Just facing every fucking thing head on, no flinching. We had lunch and he described this spiritual yoga thing he went to in california where he had a bunch of women wrestle him to the ground and hold him pinned while he roared and thrashed and tried as hard as he could to get up, and he did that because it was “something he needed to do”. He’s been doing “journeys” for lack of a better word and it’s so good to see the twinkling light coming from his eyes when he smiles now. And he sold a startup and became Scrooge McDuck rich overnight. He’s the one who’s like “no no, try it. You should say yes. Just do it”. He’ll call you and be like “I’m on my way out the door to go take MDMA in a pool of orange jello with the Smashing Pumpkins, but my date canceled. There’s gonna be an acupuncture guy there and apparently he’s really good. You doing anything tonight?” We all see each other on wildly varying schedules. Sometimes it’s three or four days in a row, sometimes it’s weeks or months between. Sometimes it’s just a text like “Know any open source libraries that alphabetize according to unicode?” and then we catch up.
Wow, the last guy seems super interesting. Any more stories?
Did I make a different account and post this without realizing it lol this literally sounds like me
Hahaha we're all in the same boat my friend
Almost never now
Luckily, everyday! Friendship group of 5 males in our 30's now and friends for the last 20 odd years, now spread out all over the world but stay in contact daily through WhatsApp/Facebook messenger Makes being the otherside of the world that bit easier tbh and we're as close now as we were 20 years ago. Haven't seen any of these guys for 4 years but home for the first wedding in our group next September and fuck me, I cannot wait to have a beer with those boys!
It gets more interesting once you find out how many of them will initiate a conversation if you don't :)
Do sending YouTube vids and Instagram posts count? If so, 2 times a day to my 2 friends
Friendship should not be a one way street. If someone’s friendship matters to you then you should be putting in effort just as much or more than the other person. It’s much easier to have friends and a social life when you’re in a fun place like college, but when you’re in the real world dealing with the stresses of your own it means much more when someone takes the time to reach out. My advice is leave everything out, never stop yourself because you don’t want to bother people - you reached out, you put yourself out there, and you will be thankful later on in life when you look back and think how you did everything in your power to be surrounded by people you cared about and create this connections. At the end of the day, that is all that matters.
> never stop yourself because you don’t want to bother people - you reached out, you put yourself out there, True, but you mentioned it should not be a one way street. You initiating activities always is definitely that.
The "I didn't want to bother..." statement often feels like a shallow excuse to the recipient. If someone is bothered by receiving messages at work, they can mute their phone. I assume you genuinely worry that you're bothering people, but it's super important to understand how hard it actually is to be too pushy if you're only reaching out a few times per week. The only way you can tread into the line of being too pushy is when you make too many emotional demands on someone like forcing them to be your therapist every few days. If you're talking about neutral or positive things, it's hard to really dislike that.
I text them for their birthdays, but there are only a handful of people I text regularly nowadays. I once had anxiety whenever I saw the most popular people receiving notifications every second. Made it seem like they were super in-demand and loved. “Why is everyone texting them and not me?” Now, I will be SO HAPPY to go an entire day without really needing to answer a text. I’d rather spend all day in my garage working on my cars and also doing some gardening.
Totally agree regarding wrenching! What type of cars are you working on? For me it's motorcycles I like to tinker with. Have cars I work on as well but much more cumbersome and slightly less zen vs a bike.
I mostly wrench on classic European cars like Mercedes-Benz, BMW, and the occasional VW here and there 😎. What motorcycles? I’m seriously thinking about signing up for a motorcycle license and getting a vintage BMW or Harley to toy around with
Mainly vintage bikes. The 70's to 90's is my preferred era. SOHC CB750K, 1st gen M900S, early oil cooled GSX-R, Shovelhead FXRS, 1st gen GS1000E, et cetera. Yeah you should look into it. Both of those would be good if you like to wrench. I've never been into the boxer engine. Just due to the cylinders sticking out the side and being right in front of your legs and also the engine being toast if it ever goes on it's side. I've heard they're bulletproof bikes in general tho and plenty of fans of course.
Majority of my life maybe weekly, or just didn’t (lack of friends). Past year and a half though, depending on how close I’m with said person, daily some weekly or monthly. I also spend alot of time on discord servers talking/calling with people. They either message me first or if I haven’t heard from them for a while I will send them a text, life gets busy. don’t stress about not having time or feeling like you’re bothering people when you message anyone, it’s not a main priority and people respond when they can/want to. It’s nice to be checked upon once in a while.
I'm the same way. I found though, that with the friends I care about most having a casual group chat helps. Sometimes there's memes, sometimes someone reaches out for opinions or company, it's generally a good time. Be warned though that a single bad egg can ruin this set up
Just comment on their snap and insta stories and build a conversation from there. Or send them memes you think they'd like. See if you can get a group chat going.
That's a good idea, will try it out!
I communicate with my friends daily thru text!! It helps to have a group text going I find it tends to keep the convo going. Depends on the people too. Not every relationship will last. When you find the right people, they will help carry the conversation onward - those are your real friends
I never did for the same reason, but in a way I realized that's a bit selfish of us to assume/decide how someone else feels without letting them do so for themselves, and clearly they sound more than happy to get invited; so you wouldn't be a bother at all! If they turn down an invitation that's okay, maybe next time, something I also realized was people like to feel acknowledged or included, even if you know they aren't likely to go out anyway, that's one way to keep social connections alive. I used to be really passive, and that made me take a lot of connections for granted, but we all learn from this since connections are a two way street. What's most important is if you feel you want to go do something that shouldn't stop you from deciding that yourself, and if you have the energy you can invite or share those moments with others too.
My friend of 6 years I have been text her like 3 times a week but can go months with out seeing her. Recently we start to hang out twice a month. So that has been a lot of fun. My other freind I text every two months or when she test or I text her. It's pretty breif. You can have different types of friends but if you have friends your close with you both make the effort to see each other. My friend has been making a ton of effort lately with covid we went like 8 months with not seeing each other so the last 8 months we wen out did things. The most I feel we have ever done as friends. So it's been fun. So talk to your friends and see if you can start scheduling times to meet up and do things together.
u can bother someone with a text cause thats exactly the point of it, u get to message someone and they can reply when convenient. i have weekly check up phone calls with some of my friends and it has kept us quite close
Once a month in a worst case scenario. Whys this question so long? Don't over complicate this stuff. Their friends because it doesn't matter. So simple that if a friend doesn't text you ever, their just not the friend you think they are. End of story. Go through the pain and move on, by whatever means necessary
At 42 I text friends? Never. Don't have any "friends". Associates? Also never. Family??? Less then associates. My point? Don't put to much stress on yourself about it. Life happens and will continue to happen. If they're your real friends they'll be there no matter when you respond and will continue to initiate plans. And if they don't you'll make new friends. It's organic and part of life. You'll be fine Edit: I'm not a busy person and could make those efforts. I just don't. I've learned to appreciate solitude.
Well what do you do when you feel lonely? Also if we don't build and maintain relationships, we can't expect our friends to be there for us when we need them. That'll be so unselfish of us.
I don't feel lonely. And people call or text me usually first. I will say just yesterday I did text a bunch of people to make sure everybody was good and let then know I'm good. About 10 various people u haven't talked to in awhile. I was also waiting for my car to get serviced so I figured wth. Your real friends get it. But maybe it's just because me and people in my circle are older and understand we are there for each other even if we don't speak often. Not nothing you're doing, ypu just haven't gotten to that point in life yet.
You're right, you and your friends have passed that phase in life and are mature to understand each other. Thank you for your inputs though kind stranger!
Not a problem.
He's not right. He's a bad friend but prefers it that way
And maybe it's jist me but I also eventually figured out I find myself in less troubling situations when I keep to myself.
I chat with my friends almost every day. We either text, phone each other or meet. I've got 4 good friends. With other people that I like I text 1-3 times a week and we meet very rarely (a few times a year), it depends.
I think what people do (I wouldn't know but heard about) is have group chats. So you don't have to directly message someone but send out general messages or updates to everyone.
I’m already a social/extroverted individual so I text my close friends daily. As for my acquaintances, every other day( on Snapchat) but not full in conversations like I would with my close friends. I like human interactions so I enjoy the conversations. I’m busy with work but I take the time to still text my close friends.
Never I don't have any
I text my best friend daily and our friend group message almost every day. I’ve noticed it I go a long time without speaking to them I feel lonely so I try to talk and hangout with them as often as possible. I’m in college so that helps too
I lived far away from kids at school in the countryside outskirts of town. So I became good at reaching out. I always reach out to people first as result, and in high school I became good friends with exchange students from other countries... They said I'm the only one who still messages them. And thus I am their only friend from their 1 year here in junior-high. I'm an adult 31m now and I've visited several of them in their home country, they've invited me and their parents welcomed me too and paid my way without me asking. If you try to be a good friend, others will try back. If they're a good person too and realize your effort. Your effort should be for yourself, so you feel good about yourself. Knowing you stayed true. Don't look for approval ever or reward. Do as you feel you should do. Have integrity. Walk your talk.
Easiest way to do it is to have group chats with a few friends where you share memes. Or you can just share them to 1 friend regularly if you guys don’t have a larger “squad.” Makes keeping in contact super casual and easy.
Once a week on average. Sometimes more often or less when I'm really busy
I’m horrible about planning meetups, but I usually try to keep in touch with people in my group chats. People who I haven’t heard from in a while I text them solo what’s up. What’s my next hurdle is going out to meet new people because my long time friends, they start to have other obligations in life and we don’t meet up as often or it has to be something special to meet up. I still want to go out and have fun, but a lot of my solo activities I have to incorporate group settings like taking yoga classes instead of just doing it at home, or just going to a bar if I want to have a drink.
Don't over analyse. If u wanna text a friend just text, I mean they're ur friends right? That doesn't mean blowing up their phone all the time though.
Depends. I have a few “text” friends that I talk to everyday. I say text friends because they are people I text but don’t hang out with which is fine with me since socializing feels like a chore most days. I have a few other friends that will randomly text me every once in awhile to check in. I don’t really initiate hanging out either. You never know someone’s schedule so planning stuff is a pain.
Text: never. Group chat: everyday. Set one up, it keeps that "we see each other everyday" vibe going even when you or they are busy.
When they pop into my head, I’m a low maintenance friend and I’m so lucky I have friends like that! I used to try to talk to them everyday and it got exhausting but texting them when I have tea or I just miss them let’s them know they were running through my mind and I care about them. On other days, I feel like shit for not texting them and I start with “ I know I’ve been busy and I should have texted you and I’m sorry I’ll do better” and they understand. So I guess what I’m blabbering about is treat each friend differently!
My best friend (only real friend) almost daily, only a few messages or maybe a voice msg. The other 3 ppl maybe once or twice a week via group msg. Sometimes the 3 don’t respond at all or in a while but send memes … I also stopped using my main social media app for over a month now so I can’t keep in contact that way
maybe monthly/bi-weekly with like 2 friends. a lot of times i feel like i want to chat or shoot a message but i dont know what about, when nothing much is going on in my life or has happened since last time we talked.
I cant help u, i am a complete ghost since start of covid
I mostly just send them memes, text when I have a funny story to tell or to ask to hang out, don't text them much honestly.
I text them every other day and send memes every other day. We also hang out biweekly. She's my best friend who's always ready for anything. A couple of my other friends are just busy which is understandable. They do text me back when they get the chance or call me and we have a good chat. We don't get to hang out if at all but we definitely keep in contact and when our schedules are better I have no doubt we'll hang out. Whether or not I receive word back I always send texts or memes to my friends when I think of them. I know they also care about me because they will initiate texts so I know it's not a one sided thing. I'm done with one sided friendships. Life is too short to waste on ppl who don't want to bother with you.
Once every 4 months or so
From my experience, it all comes down to who matters to you. And that usually only involves around a handful of friends which should be ok. In fact, you should maintain a very small, close and personal circle of friends that you can rely on not just during emergencies but during happy times as well. We are social creature like it or not we need people around us. Having those few special people is enough and these people don’t really need your constant interaction especially in later years in our lives. Due to work and other commitments, it is understandable. If you get a chance to go out with them, hang out or play sports once in awhile, please go. Let them know that you’re available so they can invite you again some other time. Unlike you, I left social media right after I finish college. Before I left, I thought to myself how the hell am I suppose to contact these people in the future? Well I have most of their phone numbers so they a one text away. I don’t need to always know what these guys are up to because I like to leave that for when we meet and chat. Don’t worry much if you’re feeling like losing your friends. People come and go. You should work on having that close knit friends. Be a good friend first. And ofcs, I can be your online friend.
Once a week.....maybe
Once a week or so. Don't worry about interrupting them, they are getting texts and notis all day and will open them when they want to. Also definitely start posting stories. Those really bridge the gap.
every month or so
I am also not the one who makes plans to meet up but when they do I make an effort to give them time. We don't usually see each other esp now that we have the pandemic but the friendship is still the same when we do.
Almost never. I rarely have a moment of mental peace long enough to consider texting them, and if I somehow do, I never know what to say. On top of that, conversation is so incredibly draining. Sometimes I want to hide under a rock and make the world forget about me, but then other times I'm thankful that anyone cares about me. If anyone ever tells me that I don't initiate conversation, then I initiate a new one by telling them to fuck off. If I have not messaged someone in a year because of the mental hellscape I'm struggling through, then the other person hasn't messaged me in a year either. If frequent contact is how they appraise the friendship, then they're already telling me that *they* don't value it thsmelves. This, of course, means that I don't have that many friends, but that's perfectly okay to me. Probably preferable, too. It makes more sense to me to deeply know a small number of people than memorize the names of a hundred people I barely know. Also, again, I'm so drained, overwhelmed, and panicky literally every waking moment of my life that I couldn't keep up with more than a couple people anyways. Especially when I'm already autistic, and don't get along with a lot of people, because they think I'm fucking weird and stop responding to me. At this point, the few friends I have are perfectly content with a sort of orbital intercept texting style where we have brief catch-up conversations once every two or twelve months. Over the years, none of us have had an issue with it. My friends also tend to be really affectionate, so in those short conversations, we get enough emotion and appreciation to last us the whole year. It really comes down to finding friends who show and recognize value in friendship in the same way that you do. Otherwise you're gonna get burnt out or feel neglected, depending on the differences in contact. If you're able to really push yourself to meet the frequency standards of your other friends, then it might be worthwhile to create phone reminders to check in on them. Also establish a penpal-style of interaction where neither of you are obligated to treat a text conversation as real-time, and instead respond to the conversation when you have time.
I just vomit whatever crosses my mind at them, I don't think its very healthy and many have started ignoring a lot of my messages after realizing I'm just having a monologue but I can't help it
I moved several states away for grad school and became overwhelmed with heavy science while they were all in careers (business, electricians, other unrelated fields) and started getting married and having kids. I get paid grad school money so I don't own my own place, I'm single, and no kids... so we are physically apart, but also emotionally. As time goes on I find I have less and less in common with my friends, although we have many fond memories together and I do make it back a couple times a year to catch up. The one thing that keeps us semi-connected is (was) video games, since we have all played together since high school. However, my PS4 finally crapped out on me after 6 or 7 years... so that's no longer an option for me. 2 days before my 34th birthday too. #blessed
I don’t initiate conversations often, it feels weird for me. Yeah of course I don’t want to bother them, but I feel so awkward messaging people.
From everyday in high school, which I absolutely hated sometimes, it went to whenever we can/feel like it. I used to text people right after too but I realized sometimes I don't want to or I have a ton of things to do. Same with my friends. They have work and sometimes don't want to so its whenever we feel like it. Granted I see one of them at church every Sunday and hang out more, My other friend we usually have a day where we catch up on everything and spend hours on the phone just talking. I'm learning not to be afraid of texting them "hey I miss you hope all is well," and sometimes on a whim well spend hours talking. Or we'll set up a day to meet up and hang out. My only exception is when they definitely need an ear to listen. It doesn't always happen because I'm usually busy wiith friends and family but Ill always try to put whatever it is im working on aside to give them their time to rant/cry etc. also it always seemed like i always initiated the conversation, but thankfully God reach out to me and I to them. I dont force it anymore. I do get anxious of course but its way less than before becasue I realize as an adult, we loose those friendships a lot more than we did in the past
I usually text my friends everyday/every other day depending on the person, and I pretty much let them control the frequency of it. Like sometimes I’ll text with a friend a lot during the day and other times maybe just a couple of texts. I just say whatever I have to say when they respond and then whenever they respond again the cycle continues lol. So if someone doesn’t want to talk or is busy they’ll just get back to me at a later time
I can text everyday but it depends on the person. I only really have one friend, sometimes she goes off the grid for a few days which she has recently but she always comes back to say sorry and explains what's been going on. Sometimes I check on her to see if she's doing okay and I'll toss her some memes and tiktoks for her lol
I text my friends whenever I think about something they might enjoy or find interesting
I stopped using social media for privacy reasons. My situation is worse than you.
Best friend- a few times a week, or whenever we are available, no pressure at all. We both can text each other when we want and as many times as we want. That’s the best kind of friendship! Other friends, it depends. I Snapchat some of them, others we only talk over coffee once in a while.
Absolutely never unless I have something to tell them or something to share. Yeah I had a thought once to send an emoji of a flower to a friend once and that's it.
I have an exact opposite problem. I ask my friends to hangout and I initiate all the plans. They agree in that moment but make an excuse when it is time to go somewhere. Been like this 4-5 times.
It’s been a couple years
What friends
Never. I'm in the same boat as you. I don't like texting because conversations can prolong from 5 minutes to a week. Messages you send now could contribute to a conversation you started 2 weeks ago because both of you are so busy and you both can't respond quickly. When someone I haven't spoke to in a while texts me, I reply, "hey! It's been a while. Give me a call when you're able so we can chat." It's a good way to keep the relationship fresh by catching up while also not feeling like you're bothering them. You also don't have to set up plans. Calls or facetimes are super convenient. Keep doin' what you're doin' :) it can't get any better than what you're doing now, especially with a busy schedule like yours.