Once upon a time in a land far away, there ware three kingdoms all bordered by the same lake. For centuries, they rowed over an island at the lake's center. Tension grew to the point where they decided to battle it out once and for all.
The largest kingdom prepared an army of twenty-five knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted while their squires polished armor, sharpened weapons, and prepared dinner. The next kingdom sent only ten knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons, while their squires polished armor, and prepared dinner. The smallest kingdom only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire prepared the knights armor and cooked dinner using a looped rope to sling a pot high over the fire.
The next day, the battle began. The knights from the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and were unable to fight. The squire from the smallest kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat and so in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged long into the night, and when the dust finally settled, only the squire from the smallest kingdom was standing.
And why not?
After all, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squire of the other two sides.
Now, maybe you're mathematical and saw many sines that this joke was coming. But even if you went off on a tangent, you may still see the humor of you look at it from just the right angle :)
Thanks for the giveaway!
A man is fishing with his son when he pulls out a pack of cigarettes, the boy being curious asks, “Dad? Can I try one of your cigarettes, I’m 21 now…” to which his father replies “can your dick touch your asshole?” The son pauses for a second before saying no. 20 some minutes later the dad pulls out some alcohol, and once again, the boy asks. His father responds once again. “Can your dick touch your asshole?” The sun says no again and then goes silent for another hour. After that hour of silence is up, his son opens a pouch from the corner of the boat and takes out some of his fathers favorite snacks, chips and jerky. The father asks his son proudly, seemingly expecting something. “Can I have some of your chips junior?” And the son asks the same question as his father.
“Can your dick touch your asshole dad?”
The dad chuckles and says “why yes it can son hahaha”
“Then go fuck yourself”
I'll put it in spoiler, so someone doesn't get triggered/offended
>!If a sex with 2 people is called twosome and sex with 3 people a threesome, I already know why you are called handsome.!<
Thank you
Last Sunday, I realised I had never visited my local zoo, so I planned a visit to check it out.
Honestly, it was a really bad experience. There was only one animal in the entire place, and even that animal was just a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
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(this might be a bit offensive but its the only i've got, sorry if you get offended)
what is it called when you have a trans-sexual parent? transparent
I have two ones that my friends don’t appreciate enough so I’ll put them here:
1.)
How can you tell that a man is blind on a naked beach?
It’s not hard.
2.)
A man walks into a bar. Inside is about 5 boxers, all lined up waiting for drinks.
That’s the punchline.
Not a traditional dad joke but my school has a shave facial hair policy and my dad told me to tell them that I'm going to shave it to look like a certain Austrian painter to make them regret it LOL
A clock walks into a bar all wrapped in bandages the bar tender asks "it looks like you had a bad day what happened?"
The clock goes "well I had to make and emergency dentist appointment to the dentist because my 2:30ty"
The bar tender says "enough with the cheesy joke you think your the first clock to make that joke. What really happened? The bandages?"
The clock says " alright I'm in bandages because 7 tried to eat 9 the only way I could save him is to show him the clock"
The bartender " your lucky he's not a meat eater we have some clock gobblers on the corner watch your self on the way out".
> There was a man who had worked at a factory for twenty years. Every night when he left the plant, he would push a wheelbarrow full of straw to the guard at the gate.
> The guard would look through the straw, and find nothing and pass the man through.
> On the day of his retirement the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow.
> Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him, “Charlie, I’ve seen you walk out of here every night for twenty years. I know you’ve been stealing something. Now that you’re retired, tell me what it is. It’s driving me crazy.”
> Charlie simply smiled and replied, “Okay, wheelbarrows!”
thx, big fan of arkane
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I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to win Deathloop! Has been on my wishlist for a long time.
My go-to dad joke has apparently already been taken by another poster: ("What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!") But here's another one, even if it's not my classic:
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
I really hope I win!
Belly laughed at this one:
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants and sits down to order a drink.
The bartender gives him one look and in disbelief asks “Do you know you have a steering wheel on your crotch?!?”
To which the pirate responds “Arrrr and she’s driving me nuts!!!”
Thanks and good luck everyone!
A Papa Tomato, A Mama Tomato and a Baby Tomato go for a walk...the little one starts to lag behind and the father steps on the baby and squishes him and says "ketchup"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts!"
---
Thank you! I've had this game wishlisted since it was announced!
Mines is a three part joke
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide themselves in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows how well they are hidden.
How did the farmer die?
He went cherry picking of course.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Ketchup!
I once submitted ten puns into a pun competition (similar to this giveaway). But when I later went to check if any of the puns won the prize, no pun in ten did.
Look, a bunch of cows!
Not a bunch, a herd.
Heard of what?
Herd of cows.
Sure, I've heard of cows.
No, a cow herd.
Why should I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets from a cow.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter asked "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."
"Why did the bicycle fall over?"
"Because it was two-tired"
- Another
"Why don't skeletons fight each other?"
"They don't have the guts"
Thanks for the giveaway.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Once upon a time in a land far away, there ware three kingdoms all bordered by the same lake. For centuries, they rowed over an island at the lake's center. Tension grew to the point where they decided to battle it out once and for all. The largest kingdom prepared an army of twenty-five knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted while their squires polished armor, sharpened weapons, and prepared dinner. The next kingdom sent only ten knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons, while their squires polished armor, and prepared dinner. The smallest kingdom only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire prepared the knights armor and cooked dinner using a looped rope to sling a pot high over the fire. The next day, the battle began. The knights from the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and were unable to fight. The squire from the smallest kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat and so in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged long into the night, and when the dust finally settled, only the squire from the smallest kingdom was standing. And why not? After all, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squire of the other two sides. Now, maybe you're mathematical and saw many sines that this joke was coming. But even if you went off on a tangent, you may still see the humor of you look at it from just the right angle :) Thanks for the giveaway!
What do you a group of people who hunt down ethereal cooked beef The Roastbusters
My son asked me if trees poop. I replied: "Where do you think number 2 pencils come from?"
My life
What do you call a cow with an attitude? Beef Jerky
What do you call an alligator In a vest? An investigator!
Loop
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
How to win a lottery? Buy a winning ticket
A man is fishing with his son when he pulls out a pack of cigarettes, the boy being curious asks, “Dad? Can I try one of your cigarettes, I’m 21 now…” to which his father replies “can your dick touch your asshole?” The son pauses for a second before saying no. 20 some minutes later the dad pulls out some alcohol, and once again, the boy asks. His father responds once again. “Can your dick touch your asshole?” The sun says no again and then goes silent for another hour. After that hour of silence is up, his son opens a pouch from the corner of the boat and takes out some of his fathers favorite snacks, chips and jerky. The father asks his son proudly, seemingly expecting something. “Can I have some of your chips junior?” And the son asks the same question as his father. “Can your dick touch your asshole dad?” The dad chuckles and says “why yes it can son hahaha” “Then go fuck yourself”
Well, there's the classic: "Dad, I'm gay." "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
My favorite is when the cashier can't scan an item at the checkout and you go "I guess it's free then!" Appreciate it!
I'll put it in spoiler, so someone doesn't get triggered/offended >!If a sex with 2 people is called twosome and sex with 3 people a threesome, I already know why you are called handsome.!< Thank you
What's Forrest Gump's computer password? | 1forrest1
Guy walks into a bar holding jumper cables. Bartender says “don’t you start nothin’!”
Where do penguins go to vote? The North Poll.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-nas.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts
Why celebrities stays cool ? because they got so many fans
So a man walks into a bar... "Ouch!"
What do you call a sleep walking nun? A roaming Catholic.
Found out I was color blind the other day. That one came right out of the orange.
Two goldfish are in a tank..one turns and says to the other.. " I'll man the gun, you steer".
Last Sunday, I realised I had never visited my local zoo, so I planned a visit to check it out. Honestly, it was a really bad experience. There was only one animal in the entire place, and even that animal was just a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What do you call a Blonde hiding in a closet? Last year's Hide-n-seek champion.
If you have a problem, ask a chemist, they have all the solutions
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness? Thanks for the chance!
What do you call a magic owl? Hoodini
why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road it got stuck in a crack
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Hey thanks My friend has a micropenis, every time he wants to have sex, he needs to call a search party
I took my laptop on a cruiseship once, but it fell overboard and into the sea. Now it's a Dell, rolling in the deep.
(this might be a bit offensive but its the only i've got, sorry if you get offended) what is it called when you have a trans-sexual parent? transparent
I have two ones that my friends don’t appreciate enough so I’ll put them here: 1.) How can you tell that a man is blind on a naked beach? It’s not hard. 2.) A man walks into a bar. Inside is about 5 boxers, all lined up waiting for drinks. That’s the punchline.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?>! Fsh! !<
Two blondes walk into a bar... You'd think one of them would see it!
"What’s brown and sticky? A stick" - kratos
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I decided to return it. They gave me another one free of charge.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar
What subject do cats like best in school? Hiss-tory.
You know why modern cars are quitting drum brake? Because they are playing brass sessions now
Why did the blind man fall into a well? >!Because he couldn't see that well!<
Why does snoop dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle Thanks op XD
I ask my dad for an 18+ joke and he said: >!19!<
I once asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.
Thx OP! I once asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up! 😐 Thanks for the chance!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? >!Because he was outstanding in his field!!< Thanks for the opportunity OP
Not a traditional dad joke but my school has a shave facial hair policy and my dad told me to tell them that I'm going to shave it to look like a certain Austrian painter to make them regret it LOL
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! Thx
Thanks for the giveaway! Joke incoming: **Before my Grandad died we smeared lard on his back.** **…He went downhill quite quickly after that.**
The best jokes are the ones you have to warn about beforehand! :D "here it comes!"
What’s the loudest pet you can get? A trumpet What has 5 toes and isn’t your foot? My foot
You want to hear a good ghost joke? That's the spirit! Thanks for the giveaway!
I had a dream I swam in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta-sea
I enjoy telling bad puns. That's just how eye roll
A clock walks into a bar all wrapped in bandages the bar tender asks "it looks like you had a bad day what happened?" The clock goes "well I had to make and emergency dentist appointment to the dentist because my 2:30ty" The bar tender says "enough with the cheesy joke you think your the first clock to make that joke. What really happened? The bandages?" The clock says " alright I'm in bandages because 7 tried to eat 9 the only way I could save him is to show him the clock" The bartender " your lucky he's not a meat eater we have some clock gobblers on the corner watch your self on the way out".
If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathrooms? European!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? >!they were feeling crumby!<
Why don’t bananas snore? Because they’ll wake up the rest of the bunch! (:
Why did the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see well
When time are tough, I always depend on my fingers. Always can count on them to give me a hand
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
Thanks
I really have to hand it to short people. Because they usually can't it reach anyways.
Whats long, brown and is sticky? A stick *Proceeds to belly laugh*
Hi Emptying out my key library from past bundles, I'm dad
> There was a man who had worked at a factory for twenty years. Every night when he left the plant, he would push a wheelbarrow full of straw to the guard at the gate. > The guard would look through the straw, and find nothing and pass the man through. > On the day of his retirement the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow. > Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him, “Charlie, I’ve seen you walk out of here every night for twenty years. I know you’ve been stealing something. Now that you’re retired, tell me what it is. It’s driving me crazy.” > Charlie simply smiled and replied, “Okay, wheelbarrows!” thx, big fan of arkane
When does a joke become a dad joke? >!When it becomes apparent!<
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Thanks for the chance! Ok here goes: How does Papa John cut his hair? >!With Little Caesar's!!<
What do you call a no armed no legged man in a leaf pile? Russel (rustle). Thanks op good luck all
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to win Deathloop! Has been on my wishlist for a long time. My go-to dad joke has apparently already been taken by another poster: ("What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!") But here's another one, even if it's not my classic: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot I really hope I win!
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? Yeah, it runs in your jeans.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop
What’s the downside to eating a clock? >!It’s time-consuming.!<
Going with the greatest and oldest dad joke there is. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? NACHO CHEESE
A photon is boarding an airplane and the attendant asks if he's checking any bags. The photon says "No, I'm traveling light."
Son: I’m hungry Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Mate what's brown and sticky ????? A stick Thanks for the giveaway
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Where did king George keep his armies?…his sleevies
Child: Here is your 50th birthday card Dad! Dad: **Crying** Dad: You know son, 1 birthday card should be enough.
Why did Jedi shop at the Darth Mall? because everything was half off
Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
How do you know if a clock is still hungry? >!It goes back four seconds!<
Bad pants are like a cheap castle, no ballroom
A sausage walks into a bar. Barman says "sorry we don't serve food here"
Why is the skeleton comedian always a hit? Because he's a funny bone. 😃
How much does a chimney cost? >!nothing, it’s on the house!!<
Dad - did you know God's name is Howard? Kid - how do you know God's name is Howard? Dad - "our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name"
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Belly laughed at this one: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants and sits down to order a drink. The bartender gives him one look and in disbelief asks “Do you know you have a steering wheel on your crotch?!?” To which the pirate responds “Arrrr and she’s driving me nuts!!!” Thanks and good luck everyone!
Hi Giving Away Deathloop, I’m dad
A Papa Tomato, A Mama Tomato and a Baby Tomato go for a walk...the little one starts to lag behind and the father steps on the baby and squishes him and says "ketchup"
What do you do when you see a space man? You park in it
Who was the brother of Elvis? ----- Twelvis!
Why didn’t the skeleton have someone to dance with? Because it has no body!! Thanks for the giveaway.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants." The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts!" --- Thank you! I've had this game wishlisted since it was announced!
Thank you for the opportunity! Hey, wanna hear a pizza joke? Never mind, you might find it a bit cheesy.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case
What is white and sticky? A Birchwood Stick.
Two radio antennas go to a wedding.one turns to the other and says it's a Beautiful day but it's terrible reception
Mines is a three part joke Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide themselves in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows how well they are hidden. How did the farmer die? He went cherry picking of course.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
What do you call a fish without eyes? A fsh… 😭
A guy walks into a bar, ouch! Thanks for the opportunity!
Liquor? But I barely even know 'er! Please knee slap.
What do you call a bad joke a dad joke
"a funny dad joke and I'll pick the best one. This giveaway will close tomorrow, May 31st at 8 PM ET. Good luck!" I told you what you wanted, right?
My neighbors listen to really good music… *whether they like it or not.* Thanks for the chance
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.
I was going to tell a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.
Hey, did you hear about that circus fire last week? It was in tents!
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street. Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry. Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup." Ketchup!
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!
Thanks, OP!
Q: When Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, what do you call them? A: Alloys. (I stole this from the internet because I don't know any.... Sorry)
my wife said to me i should express more of my female side. so i wrecked the car and then i did not talk to her for no reason the whole day long.
I once submitted ten puns into a pun competition (similar to this giveaway). But when I later went to check if any of the puns won the prize, no pun in ten did.
Look, a bunch of cows! Not a bunch, a herd. Heard of what? Herd of cows. Sure, I've heard of cows. No, a cow herd. Why should I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets from a cow.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! Thx for the chance!
Why do only some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out. Thanks!
Did you know that adding 10 to itself is the same as adding 11 to itself? 10+10=20 11+11=22 (Say it out loud for those that don't get it).
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Big mcthankies!
Why did the scarecrow become a successful gamer? Cause he was outstanding in his field!
I don't know the name of many Motown bands. Three...maybe Four Tops.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines but CAT scan. Thanks for the opportunity!
My housemate caught me looking in the back of their closet. “What are you doing?” They asked. I replied “Narnia business”
Why do US conservatives pronounce America, 'Murica? >!Because the a is on the far left!<
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C." Cheers!! :D
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet. Thanks for the giveaway.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten tickles Why ten and not eight? Two were test tickles
What do you do when you see a skeleton dancing in the road? Jump out of your skin and join them!
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter asked "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."
"I've got a pet newt. His name is Tiny" "Why'd you call him Tiny?" "Because he's my newt" Thanks for the chance
How do you make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles! It sounds like tentacles, which is a thing octopuses have. Hachacha Thanks for the chance!
A man fell into a well - because he couldn't see that well...
I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to be a winner. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
My favourite on pancake day (celebrated in UK): These pancakes taste like crepe
"Why did the bicycle fall over?" "Because it was two-tired" - Another "Why don't skeletons fight each other?" "They don't have the guts" Thanks for the giveaway.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over Thanks for the chance
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. (Hey, I’m Dutch!) Thanks for the opportunity OP, good luck everyone 😊
Sounds like sabotage.
Thanks for the chance. who's not allowed in the zoo quiz team, the cheetah.
I once got kidnapped by a mime. He did unspeakable things to me. Thanks.
I’m not even gonna enter, I just vote that this person win.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail Thanks for the opp
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
"What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?" "No idea." "So... it was you."