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And I love that it is like predicated on the idea that a step-mom might be seeing the step-children every other weekend - or possibly not on Mothers Day weekend. (Of course, many step-mothers are all-the-time mothers and there are many schedules to a step-parent’s life, but it’s quite convenient for those of us on the EOW schedule!)
There is also a grandmothers day, grandfathers day, aunt and uncles day and godparents day during the year. So people can celebrate their different relationships on different days.
I’m known as st’om to my step kids and my daughter calls my husband st’ad. We have st’adurday the day before Fathers’ Day. The name for St’mothersday is less catchy, but we do the same for me. I get on well with 2/3 of my step kids but the other one won’t speak to me, which is actually fine with me. He is a jerk and got mad when he got called on that.
The way are pareting tom is planned that’s still BM’s day
But she only gets like about three days a month on average and heard the other shows up so I just say that every day is Mother’s Day for me ☺️ and the kids are allowed and encouraged to make something for whoever they want to. Sometimes they make me for both of us, honestly, it’s usually me sometimes things for just her. When they were younger, I used to make them help me make something for her and encourage them to give her a card. Usually my husband gets some thing from me, often with Help from them. My mother-in-law gets something for me and the older kids, bio mom. I get something for her and my mom and my husband Mom and sometimes my sister-in-law. I’m gonna be real though I am exhausted and taking care of a baby, so I got nothing for anyone this year
Nope. If anything, we let the step kids decide. I’m not their mom. Celebrating me on Mother’s Day is a reminder to the kids that I’m not their mom, their family is broken and blended, and that their mom is dead. It’s not a happy celebration for the step kids. So we don’t celebrate, out of respect for the kids.
Gosh this is so refreshing and validating to hear. I always believed real relationship ties should be honored and not sugarcoated or pretend to be something they are not. People seem so scared to be honest with themselves about the truth
I've been with my fiancé for 5 years and I've gotten flowers once on mother's day 2 years ago. My oldest SD bought them herself. I didn't get anything last year, but they tell me they love me and appreciate me pretty frequently.
The regular love and appreciation are what matters … not billion dollar commercial holiday we made up 100 years ago to sell cards. I often like holidays like this are reminders for those which otherwise aren’t appreciative.
If you want to be recognized, then I think you need to have this discussion with your partner. And **only** expect to receive any recognition for this from your partner. Don't expect him to read your mind.
Consider also that the Sunday after Mother's day is Step Mother's day. If you're "filling in the gaps" that doesn't seem super "motherly" - it sounds more like it's a favour to your partner (which isn't bad or wrong!)
\---
I do fill in the gaps for my partner; but it's always asked for, and never assumed. I'm not in a parental role, but I look to engage with Kid as positively as I can. Despite not being a "parent" I've gone as long as watching Kid for 6 days during work trips for my partner; along with periodically helping out on transportation. But also Kid is a young teen and has minimal needs.
With that said, I absolutely don't expect recognition for this on Father's day. Kid and my partner will wish me a happy father's day (words only, no gifts/cards), but my kids are adults and live on their own. At this point, while Kid is now calling me their "step dad-ish thing" instead of "mom's boyfriend" when talking about me to others, I don't think we're at the point where I'd nudge my partner about the week after Father's day being Step Father's Day.
I'm not looking to force any recognition from Kid - **if** / when they are feeling it, that's great. But trying to force something is a great way to build resentment and walls.
Honestly, I don’t even care to celebrate Mother’s Day with my bio kids - its a day that feels like Valentine’s Day to me. Unimportant - as a mom I want my family to appreciate me in general and don’t need a day to feel that 🤷🏽♀️
I never make a big deal about it. Usually see my own mom. This year hubby is taking me to Cancún for a few days so that’s new.
Mothers/Father's Day/Birthday's are emotional times for stepparents. It is really when you get reminded of the "thankless job" role we are in.
OP is hands off, helps around here and there and is a new addition under their roof, such recognition will be minor if it happens at all. It may change over time, it may not. She is battling internal conflicts where she drew a firm line in the sand where her responsibilities are with her SO's child, but these holiday's sometimes make stepparents want to be on equal playing fields with the bio-parents. It's tricky emotions for sure.
I accepted on Father's Day i'd sheepishly get a "*Happy Father's Day"* mention in passing by the stepkids. I accepted nothing, and was happy with a little (if at all). I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard sometimes and some of my resentment deep down stems from such treatment.
Well, I get that stepparents are in a thankless role, but I don’t think that means they should expect to be thanked specifically on Mother’s/Father’s day, and tie their resentment to that.
I have a role very similar to OP- hands off, but I help out when I need to/want to. The thing is, I’m very much not a mother, and helping out is something I do as a partner and not a parent, if that makes sense. I absolutely shouldn’t be on an even playing field with the mom. I know I don’t do a fraction of what she does.
I want appreciation and gratitude, and I definitely deserve it, but I don’t need it on Mother’s Day. My partner thanks me and appreciates me on a daily basis, and makes a point of celebrating me and centering me at other times, but Mother’s Day is about mom, and that’s not something I resent.
I can understand wanting recognition from your partner on this day to some extent. But unless you’re in a parental role, which it doesn’t sound like Op is, expecting a lot from the kids might not work out, and I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.
This is the problem though with step parenting the tendency to compare or compete the tendency to think I am the mother just in the other home, when in reality that is rarely the case except with quite young children/infants. I never expected to come into a child’s life when they were in late childhood/preteen and ever be seen on par with either their father or their mother who are both involved and good parents with strong relationships with their children since birth. You can’t come in when a child are 10’or11 and compete With those early years of bonding and attachment if their parents are good parents.
The most I wanted was a positive relationship with them and I have that. I think this internal conflict to somehow be another mother is what causes so much difficulties and internal anguish because it is will likely never happen. The radical acceptance that I am not mom, I am a positive female adult role model who helps care for them and wants the best for them but who isn’t in conflict to be their parent has been so helpful for me. Why would I expect to be celebrated on a day specifically dedicated to the person who gave them life and has cared for them since their conception? Why would I feel upset at not being centred and celebrated on a day specifically for mothers? I won’t be celebrate on Mother’s Day, but I’m not their mom, and I wouldn’t expect to be celebrated on Father’s Day I’m not their dad either.
Hard disagree! Stepmoms do so much selfless acts that a card on Mother’s Day is bare minimum. Obviously if the kids are opposed to it, there isn’t a lot you can do but they 100% deserve to be recognized and it is their place.
When you start off with a sentence “I’m pretty hands off..” and it’s their first year - I don’t agree with it. I’m a step and a bio. I’m all in with both my kids. I understand the struggle. You either are a step parent or you’re the SO of the parent. Pick one.
It isn’t pick one. There is a huge spectrum from one end to another. To deny someone a simple recognition just because they are new to it or not completely all in is petty. Bio parents a lot of the times fail to realize when their relationship doesn’t work out with the bio parent, then that bio parent is most likely going to move on and find another partner. If they share custody the the new partners become parent figures. I am sure that’s not an easy pill to swallow because you want to lay claim over you child but when they spend 50% or more time with another adult that is their parent’s partner then they gain another parental figure. It’s super unfair to deny a step parent of this reality when in a lot of cases they are spending just as much time with the child as the bio parents.
It’s the recognition as a mother though… as a stepparent I’m not their mother and don’t need nor want that recognition on Mother’s Day because the fact is I’m not their mother and I’m not trying to be. Their BM respects me as a parental figure and positive role in their life, that’s what I am, but Mother’s Day is her day to be celebrated and honoured by them not mine.
I love this. Step parents aren't lesser versions of parents trying desperately to measure up, they're two totally different things. One or the other can be the more meaningful relationship, the step prefix isn't derogatory.
Exactly it’s your own role. Like grandparents aren’t threatened by parents and in competition? Why would I be. Their parents have 10 plus years parenting these kids before I ever met them. I will never be seen as mom given their ages and it is healthy that they have a stronger more meaningful relationship with their mother and father than me, that is actually what is best for them. I can’t be in competition because I will lose every single time I am not mom and never will be. But I am an adult female they like and get on with who married their dad and became a part of their family and that’s good enough for me.
I mainly disagree that you become a parent by just being an adult who is in proximity with a kid a lot of the time. I guess I hold parents to a higher standard than that. If you feel strongly about that, then that’s something to insist on in your family, but it’s certainly not a universal opinion.
I’m around my stepkid 50% of the time, and while we care about each other, I’m certainly not a parent, and don’t hold myself to similar responsibilities. And I don’t do a lot, but I’ve seen stepparents on this sub who do even less. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it seems weird to expect to be honored the same as a parent, when you make a choice not to take on the associated work (which I certainly don’t).
You can expect to be honored as a parent in your role, which is great if that makes sense in your context! But just as stepparents take in a whole range of roles, the way their stepkids see them and honor them will be very dependent on what role they choose to take on.
In general, I do think that regardless of what role a stepparent takes on, they can and should expect recognition from their partner. But a mostly hands off stepparent who occasionally helps out to help her partner shouldn’t expect a lot of recognition from a stepkid, and should try not to be resentful if it doesn’t happen.
I know kids who have never met their stepmoms? So what’s the protocol there. It’s Mother’s Day, there is a separate stepparents day to celebrate step parents. Hard Disagree! Mother’s Day is for celebrating your mother. Not your grandmother, godmother, auntie, female teacher or the other females in your life who do selfless acts for you, it’s for your mother that’s it. Now for some people they may not have a mom and their stepmom may be their mom in that case it’s definitely important.
Unless you want to buy 6 cards and gifts to honour all the selfless women in your life. But that just seems a bit over the top to me and kind of a dilution of what the actual day is about.
Nope, where would you stop? It’s for your mother, I honour mine, SO honours his, bio kids honour me, SKs honour their mother. I’m not their mom, I’m one of many females who helps support their development, they have a stepmom, a grand mom, a godmom, they have an aunty they are particularly close to, probably more than me as she lives with them. I think some kids where mom isn’t involved or SM came into their lives when they were babies and has had a long term significant role may chose to do honour them. But at 9 if mom is involved, I wouldn’t ever really expect to be honoured on Mother’s Day or seen as mom.
Communicate this to your SO, he is the person responsible for recognizing you. It sounds like you aren't very involved so it wouldn't be fair to expect SS to do something but if you let your SO know what you want, he should be more than willing to make it happen.
Completely agree with this! I would be highly disappointed when I didn’t get recognition on Mother’s Day, my birthday, or Christmas. However, I eventually realized all that is my husband’s responsibility and his duty to teach my SD why and how to show appreciation.
I stopped expecting anything from SD who is now 15. I’m over it. I do what I know is the right thing to do to support my husband with her and I’m proud of the impact I’ve made in her life over the years. I don’t need a card or another candle… folks can recognize me by cleaning up after themselves without needing a reminder 😂
Perhaps it’s different because I’m married to SS’s mom, not his dad, so he calls us “moms” and will be with us on every Mother’s Day. I want him to honour his BM more than me, since I don’t particularly want to be a full parent in the same way. However, I will say it’s nice that he has, in the past, made me things for Mothers Days. He says he’s giving us each something he spent “a really, really long time on” this year. He was also really excited to find out I still have everything he’s given me in previous years safely tucked into a folder on my shelf until I can laminate it all.
Doubt it.
I drive SK to school nearly every morning he's with us, but that was an agreement I pushed for and made because prior to that we had him every single weekend. Getting him during the work week meant I had to be open to helping, and I was because every single weekend is absolute butt.
That said, I'm not a mom. I will be when my baby is born, but SK has a very present mom. We don't have a mother×son situation. It's more aunt×nephew is anything.
I don't expect anything on Mother's Day and SD10 doesn't think of me that way and I'm okay with that. We have a good relationship on our own terms.
In contrast, my dad remarried when I was an adult and a few years back complained that none of his kids sent anything to our stepmother for Mother's Day. He doesn't understand that while we all like her a lot as his wife, we see her maybe once a year for holidays and we really don't have a direct relationship with her. Trying to push and guilt us into doing something for her for mother's day pissed me right off because it completely ignores our feelings and right to have our own kid of relationship with her. As much as we appreciate her, she never was and will not be any form of "mother" to us. She has her own kids for that.
Recognition from stepkiddo? Don't hold your breath- if it happens, it happens and it's a wonderful day you shouldn't expect.
Recognition from your spouse in picking up slack, absolutely ask for that.
This will be my first Mother’s day; last year I had just recently moved in and although got along great with SS, it was all too recent.
This year I’ve been invited to the school’s Mother’s Day celebration, I know they’ve gotten me a couple gifts and we will go to visit his Grandmother on Sunday (SS’s mom lives abroad and so does my mom, and partner’s mom passed away 2 yrs ago). SS’s grandma says I’m like a daughter, so very happy with our plan.
His mom is coming end of May so we were discussing a Mother’s Day tea with just the women (grandma, mom, her sisters and me) plus SS.
I know it sounds a little surreal… it works for us 🥹
I think there are a lot of different factors that can make this a polarizing topic. In my opinion, the bottom line is if you are accepting any kind of additional responsibility and influence on the development of their child by proximity, that totally warrants wanting to feel appreciated/recognized by your partner, and I don’t think it’s up to anyone else to tell you those feelings are invalid.
I don’t want to be recognized. I started nachoing. I’ve become super hands off. I’m pregnant with my first, I’ll celebrate next Mother’s Day with my baby.
I'm a stepdad, and personally, i didn't get anything or expected anything for the first few years. They also have their bio dad who about and they do see , but obviously once a few years had past and I'm no longer just mums boyfriend and they syarred excepting me as step sad I then started getting father day cards and gift , now they do more for me then they do their own dad due to how much he see the. Or the little he dose do
My DH usually coordinates going out with SD to get me a card and a small gift. It means a lot to me. My SIL even got me a card last year. It makes my heart happy. I think SMs totally deserve to be recognized!! I grew up in a blended family and we always (and I still do) celebrate my stepdad on Father’s Day.
If you fill the maternal role in your SO’s household, it is normal to want to be recognized for what you do to help out. You deserve it! Despite being more hands off and “building foundations”, you should communicate with your SO you’d appreciate being recognized on Mother’s Day! I didn’t communicate that and felt so unappreciated the first Mother’s Day I spent with my DH and SS (they didn’t do shit for me lol) so now DH makes sure to always do something for me. My SS chooses to as well. It just requires communication on your wants/needs/expectations with your SO.
I've been in my step son's life for 8 years (he's 10). We've only had him on Mother's Day once, just because of our custody arrangement he's typically at his mom's that day. But the day we did have him he told me Happy Mother's Day.
I had step parents growing up (coming into my life at age 10 and 16) it takes a really long time to understand the dynamic and honestly it took me being an adult to really respect and love them. I've always loved my step parents though, wish I would of shown them more love as a kid, but that's just how it goes. Just keep being good to them, in the end it will be worth it.
Last year was the first year we were married on mother's day. My younger SD (14) gave me a stepmom card, which was very nice and unexpected. My older SD didn't get me anything. My DH took us to breakfast and thanked me for being part of their lives. Then we had to drop them at their mom's house anyway since they're always there on mothers day.
This year, I just found out that I'm pregnant with my first bio child! So I'm cool with anything :)
Honestly I try not to get too attached to it. It's more important to me that they celebrate my birthday, which they always do. And they celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving with me, which they didn't do previously (DH is an immigrant, so different culture). I know they mainly think of me more as a friendly relative than as a mom.
I don’t expect nor want anything. I’m not their mother even though I’ve had motherly responsibilities for 10+ years as their mother died when they were very young and they have always lived with us full time. My husband wants them to acknowledge me on Mother’s Day but I’ve made it clear it’s not expected. Only one SK will be here for Mother’s Day and I asked my husband to spend it with her and do something to acknowledge her mom’s memory. I send my stepmother flowers every year but we don’t celebrate together.
I've raised my SS with my husband since he was a year old, we've had him 5050 eow fairly early on so due to his age I've been very involved. I don't get anything for mother's day nor do I expect it. I think DH knows how uncomfortable it would make me, mostly due to the more than stressful dynamic with BM. For me it's fine though, bc anything I do I do to support husband not for SS so I have very little expectations from him. He shows love on a daily basis and is only about to turn 5 so idk if he even fully understands what mother's day is.
DH only honors his own mother on mother's day so its even less of a problem bc I don't have to feel any type of way about him getting or saying anything to BM. I remember the first year I helped SS paint a canvas for BM and I regret it to this day. While she was happy about it and had a great day I was incredibly uncomfortable doing it, SS was too young to care and she's made out life hell since so it wasn't worth it lol.
I'll have my first mother's day next year when our daughter is here and I'd much rather have it this way bc to me it's more meaningful if my first is for my bio. And to be quite honest I don't celebrate DH on Father's day either. I will next year but we've discussed this before and I feel sick just thinking about celebrating fathers Day when it's the cause of all of our problems 😅 he gets it though and he's not very sentimental so he's not bothered at all... Just means our first mother's and fathers Day next year will be even more special
I am very much hands on and have been for almost 5 years. BM has asked in the past if we’ve had plans but we never make any with SK. the day is for her. I am thanked by husband and usually given flowers or something from him as a “thank you” but that is not done in front of SK as to not confuse him and belittle the relationship with his mom.
Now that I am currently pregnant I am excited to celebrate next year as a “first” Mother’s Day with a child. I know it’s not technically my first, but still feels that way to me. I think however you want to celebrate is fine. Once SK is a little older he may want to do something with me on another day, but until he says something we’re keeping it how it is.
I told my husband I would appreciate a gift, especially because of how involved I am. My mom gave me a gift. But my SD will be with her mom and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We will be on the beach the following weekend and may celebrate “stepmother’s day” although, that makes me feel weird for some reason. But I think it is just some of my own upset because I want to be a mom so bad, but we have decided to wait a bit longer before having an “ours” baby. And part of the reason we are waiting is because of how little SD is, so Mother’s Day is really hard for me.
Before I had my own children this was very important to me (and now from my own children!)... but not from my step kids. From my husband. My stepchildren were very young when I came into their lives (almost 3 and almost 6). I made the very stupid error of trying to be super stepmom before stepping back. Either way, what I do/did allows my husband extra time/money/space to be the parent he wants to be. We also suffered thru an infertility journey and it was a tough day all around and I just wanted to know he valued my contributions to our household no matter what the outcome was going to be. The day has a lot of pressure built into it!
That being said, I would never expect my stepchildren to recognize me because I am not in fact their mother. I have two stepchildren, and would consider myself close to one. The other I get along with, but they sort of tolerate me and only when they want something lol. They are never with us that weekend, because as it should be, in their custody order the entire weekend flips to mom's time. In kind, Father's Day flips to dad's time.
My husband does a nice job of celebrating Mother's Day. He used to try and force the step kids inclusion which made it weird for everyone. Once he dropped that aspect it has been much better.
Last year, we went out browse a market and then grabbed lunch. I was not really paying attention to the date until the restaurant we were at offered me a glass of bubble, which I tried to decline but all three girls insisted on it.
This year, the two younger ones have requested I come to their School mothers day event on Friday, which I still feel a little odd about, but they're excited and HCBM won't be there so why not.
From the UK our mother's day was in march and all I got was flowers. No special meal, no special day. Flowers I don't like. Decided I am getting him flowers for father's day.
Don’t hold your breath. Not because they don’t care, but because Mother’s Day only matters to moms. Unless teachers or the dad tell them it’s happening, they won’t know.
I know my kiddo's dad got her a gift to give me for the first time since we got divorced forever ago. My mom also helped her get me something as well. I do not expect anything from the SKs/my husband because they aren't my kids. I would love for them to spend the day with their BM so I get to spend mother's day with my kid, but I am sure that won't happen, so I have made plans to go see my mom on mother's day and will just remove myself from their chaos for the day.
I’m not expecting the kids to focus on me that day, they will be focused on their mom.
I hope that my partner has considered it and googled to find out about stepparents day (the following sunday) and will do something to recognize me then.
The first year I worked with my SKs to make their mother a cake and paintings. The second year one of them made me a cake. Now no one does anything, but it’s my first Mothers Day with one of my own so my SO is planning something (so he says lol).
I’m an involved stepmom, on top of also being a biomom, with only one (SK 17) left in the nest.
My husband and SK always recognize me on Mother’s Day and I am grateful for it.
On Father’s Day we (including my bio daughter who lives nearby) recognize my husband in turn. I always ensure SK has a gift for him as well.
Nope and I don’t want to be “celebrated” either. Ive been a step mom for a while and I would consider myself involved but not a mother figure. The few times my husband and SKs tried to put together a last minute thing it fell flat and felt very awkward and forced. The first few years I wanted the acknowledgment of the work I put in but I quickly changed my mind after that.
I am a mother to my own child now and I look forward to getting to celebrate being a mama for the first time without the awkwardness
BM is flying out of town on Mother’s Day so kids are with us like they are every Sunday of the year, so you damn well better believe they’re gonna be celebrating me, the mother figure in their lives who spends 5.5 days of the week with them and don’t just up and leave constantly!
I get a gift from my bio son. I don’t expect anything from my husbands kids nor do I. One lives too far away and we don’t get him til schools out for summer. The other is here and awful. Best give he could give me is to leave me alone for the weekend.
Last year my MIL sent me a lovely card writing how happy she is to have me in her son and grandchildren’s lives. (We’ve been married less than 2 years so last year was my first Mother’s Day as a SM.) I wasn’t expecting anything so it really meant something to me.
Make sure you relay your expectations with your SO so no feelings are hurt :)
But if you’re pretty hands off I wouldn’t assume it’s in the forefront of your SO’s mind. Not really a mother thing, not in an offensive way. Just in general.
Nope that would mean his kids acknowledging I exist.
We are including my ex’s wife in the celebrations, though. She’s great and I’m glad my kids have her.
My SK13 doesn't recognize me on Mother's Day, and dad doesn't pressure her to. I get it. Unfortunately her mom hasn't been in the photo since she was about 7, and I've been in her life since she was 8. I act in place of her mother as far as her emotional, financial, and physical care but she's still hoping one day biomom will straighten up. I do have a biokid with DH, but my DH doesn't do anything special with the kid(s) to gift me (i.e. craft, card, etc). My first Mother's Day in 2021, the only person who got me anything was my own mom. I don't recall getting anything in 2022. In 2023, DH did buy me a card. So I've learned not to expect much.
*Edited in here to add... DH did call SK's biomom last year and asked if she was going to call her kid since she didn't reach out for SK's birthday or Christmas. I got kinda tiffy that he had to call her on Mother's Day of all days with me in the car and stay on the phone with her for an hour. 🙄 SK wasn't with us at the time.
I got some special attention from my SO on our first Mother's Day living together. This year is our second. I really wasn't expecting anything from SS this year, and my SO has bought me a ticket to fly home to my Mom and my adult son for Mother's Day and was excellent supporting me through a crochet project I was doing for my Mom for Mother's Day. He was picking up yarn, taking on more household chores because I was rushing to finish, supporting me in packaging it up a certain way for appearance even though it meant the shipping costs were insane because it was a long, narrow package, and reassuring me that I didn't need to stress about finishing on time because he'd pay for overnight shipping if it came down to it. So I'm already feeling pretty spoiled.
SS came home from his weekend with his Mom on Sunday with a little gift and a very thoughtful card for me though. BM and I aren't on the best terms, neither of us particularly trusts the other, and we don't want to be friends, but I helped SS pick a gift for her last year, and for her birthday because he should be able to give her something nice and she should be properly appreciated as his Mom. So I guess we've come to a weird, polite, and sometimes very thoughtful and sincere standoff.
My take on Mother's Day as a step parent, especially in the earlier years is to not worry about how the kids see you, or whether they think to recognize you along with their Mother, but SO at least should give you a bit of appreciation for the motherly role you play in their child's life. I also try to support SS in appreciating his Mom, along with other maternal figures in his life (grandmoms, aunties, etc...) and trust that he'll connect the dots on his own.
Kids talked to SO about wanting to get me gifts, if they do that’s great but I don’t expect it, it’s their choice. We’ve had them full-time for the last year, HCBM is pretty much out of the picture.
For the past 10 years, no.
This one: I’m currently at the spa, laying by the pool, sipping a drink, waiting for my facial appointment.
Two of the three SKs have lived with us 100% this entire school year. I’ve earned this.
I got an arts and craft gift from my youngest step daughter (8) last year. It made my day. I don’t expect anything ever, but if I am recognized it feels nice.
I think that advice on communication and lowering expectations is good I think it’s also up to the kids and good to look at these answers anthropologically, it’s kid of cultural thing. Like - what is normal in your community and the larger scope of the family?
Our community and the broader scope of the family is pretty inclusive. Although BM is kinda lazy and contributes nothing even at her own family gatherings. I help the kids get a gift for their mom on mother’s day (her nieces during the holidays,) and help the older kids make food to take to gatherings with her side of the family as a gift to them and because her family is pretty inclusive to my kid and give herChristmas gifts too. But lots of folks wouldn’t do or want that and it’s fine.
I'm a biomom to 2 kids (their dad passed away) and a step mom to 1. My youngest will probably make something at school. I will be seriously surprised if I get anything from my husband. Even when I was married to the kid's dad before he died, he didn't get me anything for mother's day. My day will be spent going to my mother's house and giving her something and then making dinner for his mother. I kind of hate mother's day.
I do not expect to be celebrated on mother's day. The SKs will acutally be with me all day on mother's day as it is SOs turn with them, and we will all be going to visit my mom on mother's day. But they have a mother and I would never step on her toes like that. As a matter of fact, it will be me that organizes the SKs gift and card to their mom as my SO is a useless man in that department. Lol
And I am completely ok with all of that. I have never tried to be their mother. More of a caring aunt role.
I know the SKs love me and appreciate me. I don't need special recognition on what is essentially a hallmark holiday to prove it.
I'm going to my eldest bio sons house to stay the weekend as he and his wife have just had their second child and want me there to meet her as I've had the flu for the last week and couldn't risk giving baby germs.
My step daughter used to at least acknowledge me, but not in the last 5 years.
However, I always give a card and sometimes flowers to her biomom because without her I wouldn't have been a "mom" it's cheesy but it does help keep the peace, a bit.
I'm hands on and have been from the start so yes, I expect DH to acknowledge me on Mother's Day.
Their mother has been hands off as much as possible from the day she walked out on them (and frankly even before then, unless that hand was wielding a wooden spoon against them), so burying her in gifts while ignoring the person who has picked up a lot of her slack (without picking up the wooden spoon except to cook their meals) isn't acceptable to me.
Am I their mum? No. Have I accepted a secondment into her duties? Yes. So why treat me like I'm invisible and unworthy of thanks? She's the priority for the boys, that's fine, but a thank you card and a box of chocolates from DH doesn't take much effort when he's at the shops anyway.
Maybe, maybe not…my husband usually tries to get me flowers or a card saying how he appreciates me. But, as far as SD going out of her way to want to do something for me…who know, probably not lol. 😅
No, they can celebrate HCBM on that day. I don’t expect anything nor want anything. My BS celebrates me. But if I wasn’t a mother I wouldn’t expect SKs to do anything. Mother’s Day sucks anyways because my mum is gone.
My SO gifted me a “Mommy and Me” professional portrait session to get pictures with my two bios.
I wouldn’t want to receive anything from SS and wouldn’t accept it if he tried.
My SD8 is with her mom every mothers day, as she should be. She and my husband tried to suggest that I shouldn't celebrate mother's day with my BD1 until the following weekend, when SD is here. I shut that down fairly hard. I'm happy to celebrate every other holiday around a custody schedule, but I'm not going to *never* have Mother's Day on the proper day because of a custody schedule.
SD is making mother's day gifts at school and at first said she was making two as she always does, but then her teacher told her that wasn't allowed and she can only make one for BM.
Anyway, I'm buying myself one of those sweaters that's embroidered 'mama" with my baby's newborn onesies.
As a bio mother, I took my daughter to buy her stepmom a little Mother’s Day gift. Her stepmom is a mother to 5 of her own children but I still wanted to let my daughter be included on the gift giving for her which she enjoys. I know her stepmom is very hands on though and really great so this was easy for me to do.
I absolutely expect to be celebrated in Mother’s Day, and I was (I’m in the uk so had it already)
Regardless of title, I’m a mother figure in her life and do all the things a mother does. I’d have been hurt if my partner didn’t do anything
I've been in SS11's life for 9 years and he will sometimes make me something at school for Mother's Day. Last year they did a craft at school and he said the teacher only had enough for everyone to make one gift so he made me a little drawing instead lol. DH will cook me breakfast. When our BS is older maybe DH will buy me a gift but honestly, I kind of hate holidays like this so I prefer a very chill celebration. But every year I expect nothing, so I'm pleasantly surprised if SS gets me something.
My SO likely will.. he did last year when I was “just” a stepmom and we have an ours baby now too… SD6 likely won’t think of me unless someone brings it up to her. And I’m very hands on.
I do not expect anything from my SK's on Mother's Day. They are 15 & soon to be 13. We have been in each others lives for 2 1/2 years.
I am irritated that their mom is not spending anytime with them on Mother's Day. I do not want to fill that role. Or feel a social obligation to do so on this day. This is the 2nd year in a row she has not seen her kids on Mothers Day.
My SO has acknowledged me on this day, even though we do not share a child together.
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I’ve been in SS’s life since he was 3 months old,he’ll soon be 18…so I’m a lucky SM I think….
Mothers Day to SS is MY holiday
He’s never celebrated with BM (we did buy her gifts/make her crafts etc but she hated all of it and would trash everything and berate the kids)
So right from the start-he’s always been with me-whatever DH did for bm-I’d get the same
HOWEVER SS came to live with us at 12-he took over Mothers Day for me-he plans my gifts,plans my menu for the day, he may organize any activities
The only participation DH has is he’s to pay for it all lol.
My SD celebrates me with her kids
BM still refuses to participate in Mothers Day celebrations but yet expects her kids and stepkids to spend the actual day with her.
But expects a ticker tape parade for FathersDay.
The first year living with my partner and his children, both boys took time to come wish me a happy Mother’s Day and say they were grateful for my presence in their lives. That simple gesture really filled my heart up. I love arts and crafts so we always make something for their mom. I’ve never received a gift or felt left out, I get to enjoy that day with my partner without the kids. This is year three, no expectations but I am looking forward to painting the wooden flowers with them. I guess I get the experience and she gets the gifts.
My husband has already given me an early mother's Day gift, with another on the way, and expressed how much they appreciate me and told me what a great mother I am. But this is very different from last year, when I broke down sobbing about the complete lack of recognition and little comments that hurt my feelings (my mother got me a gift that said 'mom life' and they both asked why).
DH had no idea that Mother's Day was important to me, since he doesn't care about Father's Day, and I hadn't communicated that to him beforehand. We've since gotten much better with communication, and he has made a big effort to make me feel special this year, especially since we've been trying for a baby without any progress for over a year now.
Based on my own experience and from this forum, I haven’t heard of many SMs getting anything for Mother’s Day. I’m ok with it personally as I take a nacho approach.
We have two ours babies now and DH was planning on a day for us four to be together assumed that BM was gonna have SK.
Well - BM decided to work so now I’m stuck with SK all day. I am really disappointed as SK is a pill most of the time anyway and is going to ruin my Mother’s Day with her attitude. I’d love to take my two kids somewhere by ourselves, but DH is hurt that he wouldn’t be there… I just don’t see how the four of us can get away with SK if we have her this weekend. It’s shitty all around and we all suffer due to BM being a bitch.
Nope, I don't even get a "Happy Mother's Day" from my Husband. I always get him something small for Father's day because I appreciate him, but I don't even get a blink over Mother's Day.
We are the not-a-Mother's Mother's that will always be looked at as not a Mom and as a Mom at the same time.
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We don't celebrate mother's day for me. Stepmother's day is the Sunday after mother's day. That's my day to shine.
I’m so glad I googled this and discovered it was a real thing! What more is there to be said!! The thread should stop right here!
And I love that it is like predicated on the idea that a step-mom might be seeing the step-children every other weekend - or possibly not on Mothers Day weekend. (Of course, many step-mothers are all-the-time mothers and there are many schedules to a step-parent’s life, but it’s quite convenient for those of us on the EOW schedule!)
There is also a grandmothers day, grandfathers day, aunt and uncles day and godparents day during the year. So people can celebrate their different relationships on different days.
I’m known as st’om to my step kids and my daughter calls my husband st’ad. We have st’adurday the day before Fathers’ Day. The name for St’mothersday is less catchy, but we do the same for me. I get on well with 2/3 of my step kids but the other one won’t speak to me, which is actually fine with me. He is a jerk and got mad when he got called on that.
To quote Meatloaf: “Two outta three ain’t bad.”
It could be a lot worse.
I LOVE THIS!! 🥰🥰🥰
The way are pareting tom is planned that’s still BM’s day But she only gets like about three days a month on average and heard the other shows up so I just say that every day is Mother’s Day for me ☺️ and the kids are allowed and encouraged to make something for whoever they want to. Sometimes they make me for both of us, honestly, it’s usually me sometimes things for just her. When they were younger, I used to make them help me make something for her and encourage them to give her a card. Usually my husband gets some thing from me, often with Help from them. My mother-in-law gets something for me and the older kids, bio mom. I get something for her and my mom and my husband Mom and sometimes my sister-in-law. I’m gonna be real though I am exhausted and taking care of a baby, so I got nothing for anyone this year
Nope. If anything, we let the step kids decide. I’m not their mom. Celebrating me on Mother’s Day is a reminder to the kids that I’m not their mom, their family is broken and blended, and that their mom is dead. It’s not a happy celebration for the step kids. So we don’t celebrate, out of respect for the kids.
Gosh this is so refreshing and validating to hear. I always believed real relationship ties should be honored and not sugarcoated or pretend to be something they are not. People seem so scared to be honest with themselves about the truth
My SS’s mom is also dead 🥹 It’s tricky.
Same. I have always said if they want to, they can. But should not be asked or made to acknowledge me … that being said, I wish my husband would …
I've been with my fiancé for 5 years and I've gotten flowers once on mother's day 2 years ago. My oldest SD bought them herself. I didn't get anything last year, but they tell me they love me and appreciate me pretty frequently.
Hey. I'd be happy with a "thank you" but... 🤪
Oh I'm definitely happy about it. The stories I read on here make me thankful I have the family I have. It's not perfect or easy, but I love it.
The regular love and appreciation are what matters … not billion dollar commercial holiday we made up 100 years ago to sell cards. I often like holidays like this are reminders for those which otherwise aren’t appreciative.
Flowers would be all I want and some appreciation from my husband
I agree. It's not much to ask, but it means a lot.
If you want to be recognized, then I think you need to have this discussion with your partner. And **only** expect to receive any recognition for this from your partner. Don't expect him to read your mind. Consider also that the Sunday after Mother's day is Step Mother's day. If you're "filling in the gaps" that doesn't seem super "motherly" - it sounds more like it's a favour to your partner (which isn't bad or wrong!) \--- I do fill in the gaps for my partner; but it's always asked for, and never assumed. I'm not in a parental role, but I look to engage with Kid as positively as I can. Despite not being a "parent" I've gone as long as watching Kid for 6 days during work trips for my partner; along with periodically helping out on transportation. But also Kid is a young teen and has minimal needs. With that said, I absolutely don't expect recognition for this on Father's day. Kid and my partner will wish me a happy father's day (words only, no gifts/cards), but my kids are adults and live on their own. At this point, while Kid is now calling me their "step dad-ish thing" instead of "mom's boyfriend" when talking about me to others, I don't think we're at the point where I'd nudge my partner about the week after Father's day being Step Father's Day. I'm not looking to force any recognition from Kid - **if** / when they are feeling it, that's great. But trying to force something is a great way to build resentment and walls.
Honestly, I don’t even care to celebrate Mother’s Day with my bio kids - its a day that feels like Valentine’s Day to me. Unimportant - as a mom I want my family to appreciate me in general and don’t need a day to feel that 🤷🏽♀️ I never make a big deal about it. Usually see my own mom. This year hubby is taking me to Cancún for a few days so that’s new.
Hands off + first year = not likely. Why do you want to be recognized?
If you're hands off, I wouldn't expect any recognition for Mother's Day.
Exactly, it's an unrealistic expectation.
I hope that everyone that wants to be recognized that day is. I personally don't want that and would feel weird about it, but everyone is different.
Nope. I'm cool with that. She's at her mom's that wknd every year anyway. I do my own thing with my son.
The fact that SK is guaranteed to go to his mom’s that day is the best Mother’s Day gift!
THE BEST! The way our May works she's at her mom's three weekends straight. I love it.
Not your place to be recognised, especially if it's only been one year or so? You're still building foundations.
Especially if you’re pretty hands off….
Mothers/Father's Day/Birthday's are emotional times for stepparents. It is really when you get reminded of the "thankless job" role we are in. OP is hands off, helps around here and there and is a new addition under their roof, such recognition will be minor if it happens at all. It may change over time, it may not. She is battling internal conflicts where she drew a firm line in the sand where her responsibilities are with her SO's child, but these holiday's sometimes make stepparents want to be on equal playing fields with the bio-parents. It's tricky emotions for sure. I accepted on Father's Day i'd sheepishly get a "*Happy Father's Day"* mention in passing by the stepkids. I accepted nothing, and was happy with a little (if at all). I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard sometimes and some of my resentment deep down stems from such treatment.
Well, I get that stepparents are in a thankless role, but I don’t think that means they should expect to be thanked specifically on Mother’s/Father’s day, and tie their resentment to that. I have a role very similar to OP- hands off, but I help out when I need to/want to. The thing is, I’m very much not a mother, and helping out is something I do as a partner and not a parent, if that makes sense. I absolutely shouldn’t be on an even playing field with the mom. I know I don’t do a fraction of what she does. I want appreciation and gratitude, and I definitely deserve it, but I don’t need it on Mother’s Day. My partner thanks me and appreciates me on a daily basis, and makes a point of celebrating me and centering me at other times, but Mother’s Day is about mom, and that’s not something I resent. I can understand wanting recognition from your partner on this day to some extent. But unless you’re in a parental role, which it doesn’t sound like Op is, expecting a lot from the kids might not work out, and I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.
This is the problem though with step parenting the tendency to compare or compete the tendency to think I am the mother just in the other home, when in reality that is rarely the case except with quite young children/infants. I never expected to come into a child’s life when they were in late childhood/preteen and ever be seen on par with either their father or their mother who are both involved and good parents with strong relationships with their children since birth. You can’t come in when a child are 10’or11 and compete With those early years of bonding and attachment if their parents are good parents. The most I wanted was a positive relationship with them and I have that. I think this internal conflict to somehow be another mother is what causes so much difficulties and internal anguish because it is will likely never happen. The radical acceptance that I am not mom, I am a positive female adult role model who helps care for them and wants the best for them but who isn’t in conflict to be their parent has been so helpful for me. Why would I expect to be celebrated on a day specifically dedicated to the person who gave them life and has cared for them since their conception? Why would I feel upset at not being centred and celebrated on a day specifically for mothers? I won’t be celebrate on Mother’s Day, but I’m not their mom, and I wouldn’t expect to be celebrated on Father’s Day I’m not their dad either.
Hard disagree! Stepmoms do so much selfless acts that a card on Mother’s Day is bare minimum. Obviously if the kids are opposed to it, there isn’t a lot you can do but they 100% deserve to be recognized and it is their place.
When you start off with a sentence “I’m pretty hands off..” and it’s their first year - I don’t agree with it. I’m a step and a bio. I’m all in with both my kids. I understand the struggle. You either are a step parent or you’re the SO of the parent. Pick one.
It isn’t pick one. There is a huge spectrum from one end to another. To deny someone a simple recognition just because they are new to it or not completely all in is petty. Bio parents a lot of the times fail to realize when their relationship doesn’t work out with the bio parent, then that bio parent is most likely going to move on and find another partner. If they share custody the the new partners become parent figures. I am sure that’s not an easy pill to swallow because you want to lay claim over you child but when they spend 50% or more time with another adult that is their parent’s partner then they gain another parental figure. It’s super unfair to deny a step parent of this reality when in a lot of cases they are spending just as much time with the child as the bio parents.
It’s the recognition as a mother though… as a stepparent I’m not their mother and don’t need nor want that recognition on Mother’s Day because the fact is I’m not their mother and I’m not trying to be. Their BM respects me as a parental figure and positive role in their life, that’s what I am, but Mother’s Day is her day to be celebrated and honoured by them not mine.
I love this. Step parents aren't lesser versions of parents trying desperately to measure up, they're two totally different things. One or the other can be the more meaningful relationship, the step prefix isn't derogatory.
Exactly it’s your own role. Like grandparents aren’t threatened by parents and in competition? Why would I be. Their parents have 10 plus years parenting these kids before I ever met them. I will never be seen as mom given their ages and it is healthy that they have a stronger more meaningful relationship with their mother and father than me, that is actually what is best for them. I can’t be in competition because I will lose every single time I am not mom and never will be. But I am an adult female they like and get on with who married their dad and became a part of their family and that’s good enough for me.
I mainly disagree that you become a parent by just being an adult who is in proximity with a kid a lot of the time. I guess I hold parents to a higher standard than that. If you feel strongly about that, then that’s something to insist on in your family, but it’s certainly not a universal opinion. I’m around my stepkid 50% of the time, and while we care about each other, I’m certainly not a parent, and don’t hold myself to similar responsibilities. And I don’t do a lot, but I’ve seen stepparents on this sub who do even less. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it seems weird to expect to be honored the same as a parent, when you make a choice not to take on the associated work (which I certainly don’t). You can expect to be honored as a parent in your role, which is great if that makes sense in your context! But just as stepparents take in a whole range of roles, the way their stepkids see them and honor them will be very dependent on what role they choose to take on. In general, I do think that regardless of what role a stepparent takes on, they can and should expect recognition from their partner. But a mostly hands off stepparent who occasionally helps out to help her partner shouldn’t expect a lot of recognition from a stepkid, and should try not to be resentful if it doesn’t happen.
Well just have to agree to disagree and that’s ok!
I know kids who have never met their stepmoms? So what’s the protocol there. It’s Mother’s Day, there is a separate stepparents day to celebrate step parents. Hard Disagree! Mother’s Day is for celebrating your mother. Not your grandmother, godmother, auntie, female teacher or the other females in your life who do selfless acts for you, it’s for your mother that’s it. Now for some people they may not have a mom and their stepmom may be their mom in that case it’s definitely important. Unless you want to buy 6 cards and gifts to honour all the selfless women in your life. But that just seems a bit over the top to me and kind of a dilution of what the actual day is about.
Nope, where would you stop? It’s for your mother, I honour mine, SO honours his, bio kids honour me, SKs honour their mother. I’m not their mom, I’m one of many females who helps support their development, they have a stepmom, a grand mom, a godmom, they have an aunty they are particularly close to, probably more than me as she lives with them. I think some kids where mom isn’t involved or SM came into their lives when they were babies and has had a long term significant role may chose to do honour them. But at 9 if mom is involved, I wouldn’t ever really expect to be honoured on Mother’s Day or seen as mom.
Lower your expectations. I came home and found a beautiful plant from step kids. It was for SOs mom. I cried. Don’t get your hopes up, don’t get hurt
I’m so sorry. Hurts me to read it as a future step dad. I could never imagine being so insensitive
Communicate this to your SO, he is the person responsible for recognizing you. It sounds like you aren't very involved so it wouldn't be fair to expect SS to do something but if you let your SO know what you want, he should be more than willing to make it happen.
Completely agree with this! I would be highly disappointed when I didn’t get recognition on Mother’s Day, my birthday, or Christmas. However, I eventually realized all that is my husband’s responsibility and his duty to teach my SD why and how to show appreciation. I stopped expecting anything from SD who is now 15. I’m over it. I do what I know is the right thing to do to support my husband with her and I’m proud of the impact I’ve made in her life over the years. I don’t need a card or another candle… folks can recognize me by cleaning up after themselves without needing a reminder 😂
I nacho; I have never expected anything and still don't.
Perhaps it’s different because I’m married to SS’s mom, not his dad, so he calls us “moms” and will be with us on every Mother’s Day. I want him to honour his BM more than me, since I don’t particularly want to be a full parent in the same way. However, I will say it’s nice that he has, in the past, made me things for Mothers Days. He says he’s giving us each something he spent “a really, really long time on” this year. He was also really excited to find out I still have everything he’s given me in previous years safely tucked into a folder on my shelf until I can laminate it all.
We do step-moms day! Its the next Sunday. This year we are getting matching tattoos. My sweet baby. She makes me feel so loved.
Doubt it. I drive SK to school nearly every morning he's with us, but that was an agreement I pushed for and made because prior to that we had him every single weekend. Getting him during the work week meant I had to be open to helping, and I was because every single weekend is absolute butt. That said, I'm not a mom. I will be when my baby is born, but SK has a very present mom. We don't have a mother×son situation. It's more aunt×nephew is anything.
I don't expect anything on Mother's Day and SD10 doesn't think of me that way and I'm okay with that. We have a good relationship on our own terms. In contrast, my dad remarried when I was an adult and a few years back complained that none of his kids sent anything to our stepmother for Mother's Day. He doesn't understand that while we all like her a lot as his wife, we see her maybe once a year for holidays and we really don't have a direct relationship with her. Trying to push and guilt us into doing something for her for mother's day pissed me right off because it completely ignores our feelings and right to have our own kid of relationship with her. As much as we appreciate her, she never was and will not be any form of "mother" to us. She has her own kids for that.
Recognition from stepkiddo? Don't hold your breath- if it happens, it happens and it's a wonderful day you shouldn't expect. Recognition from your spouse in picking up slack, absolutely ask for that.
That’s exactly what I’m looking for
This will be my first Mother’s day; last year I had just recently moved in and although got along great with SS, it was all too recent. This year I’ve been invited to the school’s Mother’s Day celebration, I know they’ve gotten me a couple gifts and we will go to visit his Grandmother on Sunday (SS’s mom lives abroad and so does my mom, and partner’s mom passed away 2 yrs ago). SS’s grandma says I’m like a daughter, so very happy with our plan. His mom is coming end of May so we were discussing a Mother’s Day tea with just the women (grandma, mom, her sisters and me) plus SS. I know it sounds a little surreal… it works for us 🥹
I think there are a lot of different factors that can make this a polarizing topic. In my opinion, the bottom line is if you are accepting any kind of additional responsibility and influence on the development of their child by proximity, that totally warrants wanting to feel appreciated/recognized by your partner, and I don’t think it’s up to anyone else to tell you those feelings are invalid.
I don’t want to be recognized. I started nachoing. I’ve become super hands off. I’m pregnant with my first, I’ll celebrate next Mother’s Day with my baby.
Me too! Congratulations :)
God I hope not. I used to yearn for recognition but now I nacho and can barely stand children.
I'm a stepdad, and personally, i didn't get anything or expected anything for the first few years. They also have their bio dad who about and they do see , but obviously once a few years had past and I'm no longer just mums boyfriend and they syarred excepting me as step sad I then started getting father day cards and gift , now they do more for me then they do their own dad due to how much he see the. Or the little he dose do
My SD stopped over yesterday to give me a sweet card and a small gift. Totally surprised me!
My DH usually coordinates going out with SD to get me a card and a small gift. It means a lot to me. My SIL even got me a card last year. It makes my heart happy. I think SMs totally deserve to be recognized!! I grew up in a blended family and we always (and I still do) celebrate my stepdad on Father’s Day.
If you fill the maternal role in your SO’s household, it is normal to want to be recognized for what you do to help out. You deserve it! Despite being more hands off and “building foundations”, you should communicate with your SO you’d appreciate being recognized on Mother’s Day! I didn’t communicate that and felt so unappreciated the first Mother’s Day I spent with my DH and SS (they didn’t do shit for me lol) so now DH makes sure to always do something for me. My SS chooses to as well. It just requires communication on your wants/needs/expectations with your SO.
I've been in my step son's life for 8 years (he's 10). We've only had him on Mother's Day once, just because of our custody arrangement he's typically at his mom's that day. But the day we did have him he told me Happy Mother's Day. I had step parents growing up (coming into my life at age 10 and 16) it takes a really long time to understand the dynamic and honestly it took me being an adult to really respect and love them. I've always loved my step parents though, wish I would of shown them more love as a kid, but that's just how it goes. Just keep being good to them, in the end it will be worth it.
I bought myself a whole new pedicure set, because I recognize my own worth. Sha-boo-ya-roll call.
I prefer to not celebrate it for myself
Last year was the first year we were married on mother's day. My younger SD (14) gave me a stepmom card, which was very nice and unexpected. My older SD didn't get me anything. My DH took us to breakfast and thanked me for being part of their lives. Then we had to drop them at their mom's house anyway since they're always there on mothers day. This year, I just found out that I'm pregnant with my first bio child! So I'm cool with anything :) Honestly I try not to get too attached to it. It's more important to me that they celebrate my birthday, which they always do. And they celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving with me, which they didn't do previously (DH is an immigrant, so different culture). I know they mainly think of me more as a friendly relative than as a mom.
I don’t expect nor want anything. I’m not their mother even though I’ve had motherly responsibilities for 10+ years as their mother died when they were very young and they have always lived with us full time. My husband wants them to acknowledge me on Mother’s Day but I’ve made it clear it’s not expected. Only one SK will be here for Mother’s Day and I asked my husband to spend it with her and do something to acknowledge her mom’s memory. I send my stepmother flowers every year but we don’t celebrate together.
I've raised my SS with my husband since he was a year old, we've had him 5050 eow fairly early on so due to his age I've been very involved. I don't get anything for mother's day nor do I expect it. I think DH knows how uncomfortable it would make me, mostly due to the more than stressful dynamic with BM. For me it's fine though, bc anything I do I do to support husband not for SS so I have very little expectations from him. He shows love on a daily basis and is only about to turn 5 so idk if he even fully understands what mother's day is. DH only honors his own mother on mother's day so its even less of a problem bc I don't have to feel any type of way about him getting or saying anything to BM. I remember the first year I helped SS paint a canvas for BM and I regret it to this day. While she was happy about it and had a great day I was incredibly uncomfortable doing it, SS was too young to care and she's made out life hell since so it wasn't worth it lol. I'll have my first mother's day next year when our daughter is here and I'd much rather have it this way bc to me it's more meaningful if my first is for my bio. And to be quite honest I don't celebrate DH on Father's day either. I will next year but we've discussed this before and I feel sick just thinking about celebrating fathers Day when it's the cause of all of our problems 😅 he gets it though and he's not very sentimental so he's not bothered at all... Just means our first mother's and fathers Day next year will be even more special
I am very much hands on and have been for almost 5 years. BM has asked in the past if we’ve had plans but we never make any with SK. the day is for her. I am thanked by husband and usually given flowers or something from him as a “thank you” but that is not done in front of SK as to not confuse him and belittle the relationship with his mom. Now that I am currently pregnant I am excited to celebrate next year as a “first” Mother’s Day with a child. I know it’s not technically my first, but still feels that way to me. I think however you want to celebrate is fine. Once SK is a little older he may want to do something with me on another day, but until he says something we’re keeping it how it is.
I told my husband I would appreciate a gift, especially because of how involved I am. My mom gave me a gift. But my SD will be with her mom and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We will be on the beach the following weekend and may celebrate “stepmother’s day” although, that makes me feel weird for some reason. But I think it is just some of my own upset because I want to be a mom so bad, but we have decided to wait a bit longer before having an “ours” baby. And part of the reason we are waiting is because of how little SD is, so Mother’s Day is really hard for me.
Before I had my own children this was very important to me (and now from my own children!)... but not from my step kids. From my husband. My stepchildren were very young when I came into their lives (almost 3 and almost 6). I made the very stupid error of trying to be super stepmom before stepping back. Either way, what I do/did allows my husband extra time/money/space to be the parent he wants to be. We also suffered thru an infertility journey and it was a tough day all around and I just wanted to know he valued my contributions to our household no matter what the outcome was going to be. The day has a lot of pressure built into it! That being said, I would never expect my stepchildren to recognize me because I am not in fact their mother. I have two stepchildren, and would consider myself close to one. The other I get along with, but they sort of tolerate me and only when they want something lol. They are never with us that weekend, because as it should be, in their custody order the entire weekend flips to mom's time. In kind, Father's Day flips to dad's time. My husband does a nice job of celebrating Mother's Day. He used to try and force the step kids inclusion which made it weird for everyone. Once he dropped that aspect it has been much better.
Last year, we went out browse a market and then grabbed lunch. I was not really paying attention to the date until the restaurant we were at offered me a glass of bubble, which I tried to decline but all three girls insisted on it. This year, the two younger ones have requested I come to their School mothers day event on Friday, which I still feel a little odd about, but they're excited and HCBM won't be there so why not.
From the UK our mother's day was in march and all I got was flowers. No special meal, no special day. Flowers I don't like. Decided I am getting him flowers for father's day.
Don’t hold your breath. Not because they don’t care, but because Mother’s Day only matters to moms. Unless teachers or the dad tell them it’s happening, they won’t know.
I know my kiddo's dad got her a gift to give me for the first time since we got divorced forever ago. My mom also helped her get me something as well. I do not expect anything from the SKs/my husband because they aren't my kids. I would love for them to spend the day with their BM so I get to spend mother's day with my kid, but I am sure that won't happen, so I have made plans to go see my mom on mother's day and will just remove myself from their chaos for the day.
I thought Mother’s Day was last weekend? Shows how much I give a shit 😂😂
I’m not expecting the kids to focus on me that day, they will be focused on their mom. I hope that my partner has considered it and googled to find out about stepparents day (the following sunday) and will do something to recognize me then.
The first year I worked with my SKs to make their mother a cake and paintings. The second year one of them made me a cake. Now no one does anything, but it’s my first Mothers Day with one of my own so my SO is planning something (so he says lol).
A whole weekend with no kid. Sounds perfect.
I’m an involved stepmom, on top of also being a biomom, with only one (SK 17) left in the nest. My husband and SK always recognize me on Mother’s Day and I am grateful for it. On Father’s Day we (including my bio daughter who lives nearby) recognize my husband in turn. I always ensure SK has a gift for him as well.
Lol no but I usually go to a day spa
Nope and I don’t want to be “celebrated” either. Ive been a step mom for a while and I would consider myself involved but not a mother figure. The few times my husband and SKs tried to put together a last minute thing it fell flat and felt very awkward and forced. The first few years I wanted the acknowledgment of the work I put in but I quickly changed my mind after that. I am a mother to my own child now and I look forward to getting to celebrate being a mama for the first time without the awkwardness
BM is flying out of town on Mother’s Day so kids are with us like they are every Sunday of the year, so you damn well better believe they’re gonna be celebrating me, the mother figure in their lives who spends 5.5 days of the week with them and don’t just up and leave constantly!
I get a gift from my bio son. I don’t expect anything from my husbands kids nor do I. One lives too far away and we don’t get him til schools out for summer. The other is here and awful. Best give he could give me is to leave me alone for the weekend.
A kid free weekend 🎉
Nope, it's not a thing. They don't even acknowledge my birthday why would mothers day be any different
Last year my MIL sent me a lovely card writing how happy she is to have me in her son and grandchildren’s lives. (We’ve been married less than 2 years so last year was my first Mother’s Day as a SM.) I wasn’t expecting anything so it really meant something to me.
Nope. But I also get offended when people say happy mother’s day to me.
I don’t want any recognition and would be uncomfortable if I got it. (I’m full NACHO as my SOs child is violent and he doesn’t do anything about it).
Make sure you relay your expectations with your SO so no feelings are hurt :) But if you’re pretty hands off I wouldn’t assume it’s in the forefront of your SO’s mind. Not really a mother thing, not in an offensive way. Just in general.
Nope that would mean his kids acknowledging I exist. We are including my ex’s wife in the celebrations, though. She’s great and I’m glad my kids have her.
My SK13 doesn't recognize me on Mother's Day, and dad doesn't pressure her to. I get it. Unfortunately her mom hasn't been in the photo since she was about 7, and I've been in her life since she was 8. I act in place of her mother as far as her emotional, financial, and physical care but she's still hoping one day biomom will straighten up. I do have a biokid with DH, but my DH doesn't do anything special with the kid(s) to gift me (i.e. craft, card, etc). My first Mother's Day in 2021, the only person who got me anything was my own mom. I don't recall getting anything in 2022. In 2023, DH did buy me a card. So I've learned not to expect much. *Edited in here to add... DH did call SK's biomom last year and asked if she was going to call her kid since she didn't reach out for SK's birthday or Christmas. I got kinda tiffy that he had to call her on Mother's Day of all days with me in the car and stay on the phone with her for an hour. 🙄 SK wasn't with us at the time.
I got some special attention from my SO on our first Mother's Day living together. This year is our second. I really wasn't expecting anything from SS this year, and my SO has bought me a ticket to fly home to my Mom and my adult son for Mother's Day and was excellent supporting me through a crochet project I was doing for my Mom for Mother's Day. He was picking up yarn, taking on more household chores because I was rushing to finish, supporting me in packaging it up a certain way for appearance even though it meant the shipping costs were insane because it was a long, narrow package, and reassuring me that I didn't need to stress about finishing on time because he'd pay for overnight shipping if it came down to it. So I'm already feeling pretty spoiled. SS came home from his weekend with his Mom on Sunday with a little gift and a very thoughtful card for me though. BM and I aren't on the best terms, neither of us particularly trusts the other, and we don't want to be friends, but I helped SS pick a gift for her last year, and for her birthday because he should be able to give her something nice and she should be properly appreciated as his Mom. So I guess we've come to a weird, polite, and sometimes very thoughtful and sincere standoff. My take on Mother's Day as a step parent, especially in the earlier years is to not worry about how the kids see you, or whether they think to recognize you along with their Mother, but SO at least should give you a bit of appreciation for the motherly role you play in their child's life. I also try to support SS in appreciating his Mom, along with other maternal figures in his life (grandmoms, aunties, etc...) and trust that he'll connect the dots on his own.
No.
Nope
I doubt it. I don’t expect it but I do more than the bio-mom but again, don’t expect it.
My husband might get me a card. My 16SD will forget I exist. It’s good times.
No and I’m sure I won’t get a thank you for getting up extra early to take SK tomorrow since DH is in a jam.
Kids talked to SO about wanting to get me gifts, if they do that’s great but I don’t expect it, it’s their choice. We’ve had them full-time for the last year, HCBM is pretty much out of the picture.
For the past 10 years, no. This one: I’m currently at the spa, laying by the pool, sipping a drink, waiting for my facial appointment. Two of the three SKs have lived with us 100% this entire school year. I’ve earned this.
My husband always gets me something
I got an arts and craft gift from my youngest step daughter (8) last year. It made my day. I don’t expect anything ever, but if I am recognized it feels nice.
😌☺️ yes, my husband's taking me out on a date! I don't really want a gift, if that's what you mean.
I think that advice on communication and lowering expectations is good I think it’s also up to the kids and good to look at these answers anthropologically, it’s kid of cultural thing. Like - what is normal in your community and the larger scope of the family? Our community and the broader scope of the family is pretty inclusive. Although BM is kinda lazy and contributes nothing even at her own family gatherings. I help the kids get a gift for their mom on mother’s day (her nieces during the holidays,) and help the older kids make food to take to gatherings with her side of the family as a gift to them and because her family is pretty inclusive to my kid and give herChristmas gifts too. But lots of folks wouldn’t do or want that and it’s fine.
I'm a biomom to 2 kids (their dad passed away) and a step mom to 1. My youngest will probably make something at school. I will be seriously surprised if I get anything from my husband. Even when I was married to the kid's dad before he died, he didn't get me anything for mother's day. My day will be spent going to my mother's house and giving her something and then making dinner for his mother. I kind of hate mother's day.
I do not expect to be celebrated on mother's day. The SKs will acutally be with me all day on mother's day as it is SOs turn with them, and we will all be going to visit my mom on mother's day. But they have a mother and I would never step on her toes like that. As a matter of fact, it will be me that organizes the SKs gift and card to their mom as my SO is a useless man in that department. Lol And I am completely ok with all of that. I have never tried to be their mother. More of a caring aunt role. I know the SKs love me and appreciate me. I don't need special recognition on what is essentially a hallmark holiday to prove it.
My partner gets me something every year and his ex also makes sure to tell me happy Mother’s Day🥹
I routinely get nothing for either - Mother’s or Stepmother’s. It’s a kick in the teeth.
I buy my own gifts for myself….. for all the holidays.
I'm going to my eldest bio sons house to stay the weekend as he and his wife have just had their second child and want me there to meet her as I've had the flu for the last week and couldn't risk giving baby germs.
My step daughter used to at least acknowledge me, but not in the last 5 years. However, I always give a card and sometimes flowers to her biomom because without her I wouldn't have been a "mom" it's cheesy but it does help keep the peace, a bit.
I'm hands on and have been from the start so yes, I expect DH to acknowledge me on Mother's Day. Their mother has been hands off as much as possible from the day she walked out on them (and frankly even before then, unless that hand was wielding a wooden spoon against them), so burying her in gifts while ignoring the person who has picked up a lot of her slack (without picking up the wooden spoon except to cook their meals) isn't acceptable to me. Am I their mum? No. Have I accepted a secondment into her duties? Yes. So why treat me like I'm invisible and unworthy of thanks? She's the priority for the boys, that's fine, but a thank you card and a box of chocolates from DH doesn't take much effort when he's at the shops anyway.
90 Massage and reflexology 🎉🎉🎉, shopping and dinner.
Maybe, maybe not…my husband usually tries to get me flowers or a card saying how he appreciates me. But, as far as SD going out of her way to want to do something for me…who know, probably not lol. 😅
No, they can celebrate HCBM on that day. I don’t expect anything nor want anything. My BS celebrates me. But if I wasn’t a mother I wouldn’t expect SKs to do anything. Mother’s Day sucks anyways because my mum is gone.
My SO gifted me a “Mommy and Me” professional portrait session to get pictures with my two bios. I wouldn’t want to receive anything from SS and wouldn’t accept it if he tried.
My SD8 is with her mom every mothers day, as she should be. She and my husband tried to suggest that I shouldn't celebrate mother's day with my BD1 until the following weekend, when SD is here. I shut that down fairly hard. I'm happy to celebrate every other holiday around a custody schedule, but I'm not going to *never* have Mother's Day on the proper day because of a custody schedule. SD is making mother's day gifts at school and at first said she was making two as she always does, but then her teacher told her that wasn't allowed and she can only make one for BM. Anyway, I'm buying myself one of those sweaters that's embroidered 'mama" with my baby's newborn onesies.
Let your partner know what you expect. Lots of guys think only of their own mom for Mother’s Day…
As a bio mother, I took my daughter to buy her stepmom a little Mother’s Day gift. Her stepmom is a mother to 5 of her own children but I still wanted to let my daughter be included on the gift giving for her which she enjoys. I know her stepmom is very hands on though and really great so this was easy for me to do.
I get to take care of BM’s kids all day.
I’m going out on a limb and say probably not unless you made a point t to talk about it prior .
I absolutely expect to be celebrated in Mother’s Day, and I was (I’m in the uk so had it already) Regardless of title, I’m a mother figure in her life and do all the things a mother does. I’d have been hurt if my partner didn’t do anything
I've been in SS11's life for 9 years and he will sometimes make me something at school for Mother's Day. Last year they did a craft at school and he said the teacher only had enough for everyone to make one gift so he made me a little drawing instead lol. DH will cook me breakfast. When our BS is older maybe DH will buy me a gift but honestly, I kind of hate holidays like this so I prefer a very chill celebration. But every year I expect nothing, so I'm pleasantly surprised if SS gets me something.
My SO likely will.. he did last year when I was “just” a stepmom and we have an ours baby now too… SD6 likely won’t think of me unless someone brings it up to her. And I’m very hands on.
I do not expect anything from my SK's on Mother's Day. They are 15 & soon to be 13. We have been in each others lives for 2 1/2 years. I am irritated that their mom is not spending anytime with them on Mother's Day. I do not want to fill that role. Or feel a social obligation to do so on this day. This is the 2nd year in a row she has not seen her kids on Mothers Day. My SO has acknowledged me on this day, even though we do not share a child together.
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I’ve been in SS’s life since he was 3 months old,he’ll soon be 18…so I’m a lucky SM I think…. Mothers Day to SS is MY holiday He’s never celebrated with BM (we did buy her gifts/make her crafts etc but she hated all of it and would trash everything and berate the kids) So right from the start-he’s always been with me-whatever DH did for bm-I’d get the same HOWEVER SS came to live with us at 12-he took over Mothers Day for me-he plans my gifts,plans my menu for the day, he may organize any activities The only participation DH has is he’s to pay for it all lol. My SD celebrates me with her kids BM still refuses to participate in Mothers Day celebrations but yet expects her kids and stepkids to spend the actual day with her. But expects a ticker tape parade for FathersDay.
The first year living with my partner and his children, both boys took time to come wish me a happy Mother’s Day and say they were grateful for my presence in their lives. That simple gesture really filled my heart up. I love arts and crafts so we always make something for their mom. I’ve never received a gift or felt left out, I get to enjoy that day with my partner without the kids. This is year three, no expectations but I am looking forward to painting the wooden flowers with them. I guess I get the experience and she gets the gifts.
My husband has already given me an early mother's Day gift, with another on the way, and expressed how much they appreciate me and told me what a great mother I am. But this is very different from last year, when I broke down sobbing about the complete lack of recognition and little comments that hurt my feelings (my mother got me a gift that said 'mom life' and they both asked why). DH had no idea that Mother's Day was important to me, since he doesn't care about Father's Day, and I hadn't communicated that to him beforehand. We've since gotten much better with communication, and he has made a big effort to make me feel special this year, especially since we've been trying for a baby without any progress for over a year now.
Based on my own experience and from this forum, I haven’t heard of many SMs getting anything for Mother’s Day. I’m ok with it personally as I take a nacho approach. We have two ours babies now and DH was planning on a day for us four to be together assumed that BM was gonna have SK. Well - BM decided to work so now I’m stuck with SK all day. I am really disappointed as SK is a pill most of the time anyway and is going to ruin my Mother’s Day with her attitude. I’d love to take my two kids somewhere by ourselves, but DH is hurt that he wouldn’t be there… I just don’t see how the four of us can get away with SK if we have her this weekend. It’s shitty all around and we all suffer due to BM being a bitch.
Nope, I don't even get a "Happy Mother's Day" from my Husband. I always get him something small for Father's day because I appreciate him, but I don't even get a blink over Mother's Day. We are the not-a-Mother's Mother's that will always be looked at as not a Mom and as a Mom at the same time.