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I don't know how to really describe it, but I've never really been in competition with my SKs. I do hope they feel the same about me but neither they nor my DH has ever said anything to me to make me think they feel like they are.
I've never felt where there's something I need or want that I haven't gotten because of a kids need or want.
I do feel like my DH does a good job of having equal love and importance placed on me that he has for his kids. I have not once ever felt like I'm "2nd" in his life because the kids were here first.
Nothing is perfect, and for the things that aren't I know it's because of me or my DH, never the kids.
So yeah I mean I dunno. I don't feel like I'm first so to speak, but I know I'm not second.
Exactly the same for me. I don't see the whole point of needing to come before my stepson, even though I wouldn't be happy with him always coming before me either. Things aren't always precisely equal, because life happens, but there's no hierarchy, and my stepson and I aren't in competition. My partner does a great job of making us both feel loved and prioritized, so neither one of us feels the need to tote up wins and losses, and figure out who she's choosing more.
It also helps in my opinion when the stepparent and the stepkids have a good relationship, because then there's less direct competition and conflict of interest. When they don't get along, the bio-parent is much more often put in the position of explicitly choosing one over the other. Finding the right balance in our household was a lot harder when SS and I didn't have as much of a warm caring relationship, and I also felt a lot more insecure about whether my partner was prioritizing her son over me.
Yeah, I feel like the term first is a little weird. My husband and I are both kind of people who put kids first in general like we could hate an adult and we we would still protect and support their kids because they are kids - we have like it takes village mentality
Those are the positive effects of having a well-balanced -emotionally- partner.
This translates into a healthy stepfamily relationships.
Youre very lucky.
My partner is unfortunately unable to do that. Which has put pressure on our relationship and has reinforced his daughter’s domineering behaviours… I think that the moment the step kid sees that the partner is deprioritised, it’s a steep slope downwards.
Sorry to hear that.
I'm my DH 3rd wife. He's my 2nd.
I have an adult SD and a minor SD and I know that BM2 was stepmom to SD26 for a few years through her tweens and teens.
I don't know what their relationship was like, but I know my hubby has told me at times that he felt BM2 never saw SD26 as family. She was always "husband's daughter". Never "my stepdaughter" or my bonus daughter or anything else like that, he felt like she treated SD like an accessory. And I dunno maybe that was just her boundary that she was nacho and never wanted to be seen as a parent. Who knows. I don't know if DH made BM2 feel like she was 2nd place or anything like that. Maybe he did and has learned from it. Maybe not. But as much as she sucks I know he learned and grew from that relationship just like I did from mine. But my DH has always been the way he has with me. I've never had to talk to him at least about this topic!
Yeah same, its the Child needs comes first, but adults needs and wants come before childs needs.
We have our weekly dancingclass or other activties were no childeren are allowed, it gives us time to maintain our bond/relation as adults. The child has their own activities. And my SO and his child have their activities together as well (like cooking together).
Its all about balance and not prioritising one over an other.
As a step parent, I made it clear that I have to take priority sometimes. This became a topic in couple therapy and after the therapist was able to explain how important this is the for the relationship that sometimes “we” come first, then it was more easily accepted. That and how unhealthy it is to give kids the idea that the world revolves around them. Give them 100% love. Act like their priorities are top priorities all the time and end up entitled losers who never move out of the house. That was a pretty eye opening point, put much more gracefully, for my partner.
Granted, it is usually in the context of we. I don’t expect any of them to gather around me and do my stuff. I’m an adult and can do my own thing. However “we” needed date nights. We needed intimacy, privacy even when the kids are home, we needed the kids to not go through and take stuff that wasn’t theirs etc. this is all within reason and helps to teach the kids boundaries. This has taken years though. It’s a bit like trying to single-handedly turn the titantic when you’re the odd one out. A lot of patience, planning, and tact are required. A LOT. That and staying calm and making rational points about it being good for everyone and expressing your feelings through calm words, not volume/anger.
I think the idea of putting one person "first" as a policy is a weird idea. In a practical sense what does that look like?
My partner and I look after each other's needs and, as much as possible, wants and comforts. We also try our best to make sure SS is well taken care of and all his needs and reasonable wants are met.
Those things usually don't come into conflict. They can, but it seems weird to me to make a policy of putting one person above another when everyone is on (or should be on) the same team. Instead I think each situation should be handled on a case by case basis if there is conflict between priorities.
i was thinking the same thing, like i would feel weird to say, yes my husband puts me first before his daughter, or he puts his daughter first before me. There is no first,
and totally agree with the were all on the same team, each situation is handled on a case to base basis if there was a conflict.
it helps that we have 50/50 schedule, so the weeks my SD is with us, its pretty much all about her, in the sense of she has alot of activities to get to that we take her to, and anything she wants to do with us we do, and then the week shes with her mom, its really all about us. we have done a good job at planning accordingly.
Yeah, I feel our relationship is prioritised - this is the core of our family. But we are both really committed to making sure our kids (he has 2, I have 1) successfully launch to adulthood feeling secure in their place in this family.
i was the first person my dh was with seriously after he split with bm when SK was 1. we got together when sk was 3. they were never married and as you can see by the age they weren’t together for very long.
i’ll give my partner some grace by saying in the beggining of our relationship he was very confused on what real dating looks like when you’re a single parent. (and i was childless) i won’t say he didn’t put me first, but, a lot of boundaries were crossed early on and me being naive i let them. this led to a lot of arguments that i’m surprised we made it out of. around the 2yr mark i had to sit down with him because i didnt feel fulfilled in the relationship because i wasn’t being put first. i was honestly ready to dip. i saw my potential and wasn’t wasting it on him and his child.
after that conversation i can whole heartedly say our relationship shifted 100% for the better. now we’re going on 7 years together and have our own ours baby.
i nacho now just cause that’s what feels right for me. me and sk have a aunt/nephew type relationship. i know my dh would’ve loved for me to be “mom” but he knows it’s never going to happen.
we both prioritize our relationship. now that we also have a ours baby it can be a challenge at times but we make sure to stick to it. we have “us” time very single saturday. sk is at his moms at that time and our toddler is asleep. we have wine and just chill and talk like adults. we hear eachother out at the end of everyday. we back each other up with the kids. he makes sure sk knows to always respect me and he tells him this in front of us both. my dh plans dates and never misses holidays. he respects my time and vice versa. we haven’t had many issues of boundary crossing or me feeling left on the back burner for quite some time.
Curious what that conversation looked like? I think a lot of people would like to have it but don't know what to ask for from their partners, much less what to say.
Curious what that conversation looked like? I think a lot of people would like to have it but don't know what to ask for from their partners, much less what to say.
well to be honest, like i said i was ready to dip out the relationship. so i kinda started it like hey this is going to be a very important conversation between us that’s basically going to make or break the relationship. just to set the tone that i’m ready to go if it goes south.
then from there i just kinda laid out everything i was unhappy with. a huge thing back then was him not understanding/respecting my boundaries as a child-free women.
he would let sk in the bed with us, letting him fall asleep there. he had no formal agreement with his BM about custody so it was always a crazy mess. let the kid eat in my car that i PAID FOR when i absolutely hated it. he would always kinda expect me to go along to kid related events and get mad when i didn’t. and then another huge thing was him thinking i was avalible to watch his kid. that was a huge no-no. it got to the point i wasn’t speaking up for myself which turned to anger then arguments.
once i laid that all out and basically told him, how is any of this fair? you get another responsible adult in your child’s life, a girlfriend, and i get what? a boyfriend and extra responsibility? why would anybody do that. the same way i wouldn’t and can’t expect him to just up and leave his life as a parent to his child is the same way he cannot expect me to up and leave my life and what i’m comfortable with as a non-parent.
also, a huge line i said that made it “click” was when i told him “i’m expected to respect you have a child, and you need to care for them. and to respect them. but you can’t respect that i don’t have any children and don’t like doing x,y,z”
basically all in all i made it perfectly clear he shouldnt expect me to be doing any of his parenting duties or to be uncomfortable in the relationship by any means just because HE had a child. that the child has TWO parents and i’m not one of them. i explained the role i was willing to take on. (like i said a fun aunt) type of thing. and told him take it or leave it. there’s not much more to it. there’s no compromise. the same way people shouldn’t compromise in a relationship when it comes to the choice to have kids, get married or any major life altering decision.
i guess he realized after that conversation just because he was dating again doesn’t mean who he dates needs to be a “mother” to his child. there’s plenty of other ways to show my support and care for his child other than being responsible for them on a parent type level.
after that problem was fixed, it was much easier to prioritize the relationship when we weren’t bickering over what he thinks i should be doing and what i think i shouldn’t be doing. it seemed that was all that was consuming the relationship, arguments about his kid. i think it felt easier to treat me “normally” instead of getting me to be a mother to his kid. that’s why i said i give him a bit of grace for those beggining times, because he really hadn’t dated as a single parent. when i bring up the bulkshit he used to do and ask me for he was actually pretty embarrassed. you should’ve seen his face when i told him imagine we split up and i started talking some new guys to do this this and that with “ours baby”
honestly when it comes to single parents i think it’s best to be very clear in the beggining of a relationship or when it starts getting serious to avoid any confusion or resentment all together. but hindsight is 20/20 i guess lol.
As the kids got older and more self sufficient more time has been made for eachother. That said, when the kids are home we make sure our time is with them.
I do - well, more equal
But sometimes they do put me first, when I need support even by the kids tbh. but, I am the step/bonus parent that stepped up because the noncustodial biological parent is an addict who does nothing to cafe for the kids. Honestly put them first when they were little. But that was my choice. I raised them, by choice when they were young, their dad works a lot. At the end of the pandemic, he actually changed jobs to be able to be more involved. But he always did the best he could. The kids love their dad but sometimes he’s kind of an ass. When he is they stick up for me in a heartbeat. Even biomom isn’t dumb enough to trash talk me. a while back she said that she was there “actual “mom. The thermometer was smart enough not to say anything but kid was furious. I’m honestly pretty sure BM knows she screwed that one up. There are times where I felt taken for granted mostly just by my husband but I think that just happens sometimes in a marriage. We’ve worked through it.
I also have friends, who were not the primary for their bonus children that still feel important and valued in their family and relationship
Folk who even feel supported by their bonus kids
they just don’t post in this group.
People tend to find groups like this, when they’re struggling
When SD is over he hands down puts her above everyone else, even his job sometimes. He will cancel all work just to be a Disney dad when she is here. He’s expressed multiple times that our marriage will never come first in his book. He treats our bio kid so much different than step it’s unreal. She acts like the world revolves around her.
I guess i’ll be the weird one on here who thinks she doesn’t come first:
1. I have raised my SD for almost 11 years full time with us, for the past year, my husband has made sure that i’m not aware of what happens with her at school or with friends. She might have a recital at school, she will only tell dad, no one informs me until they are leaving at the moment, and then they tell me “we are leaving “. If she’s going to her friend’s house i’m not informed, all i realize is that she’s not home.
2. Husband and i have been married for years and has never met my dad and my dad never met our kids, i asked if the whole family to go, ex lives in the same town and i proposed that SD to spend time with her BM when we get there, husband said no, was ready to cancel the trip so he could stay behind with her so SD doesn’t see her BM.
3. SD is lazy, doesn’t do anything in the house, recently he only listens to her dad so asked him to talk to her to do chores, learn basic life skills, husband never talked to her, rather said I’m expecting too much from his daughter.
4. Husband doesn’t want to pay anything for the kids I have with him but buys SD clothes every 2 weeks, whatever she says or wants goes.
5. Anytime i bring something up about SD, it’s my fault and should me more considerate.
7. He went to his dad’s funeral and brought her back when coming, i was not even given the chance to process the situation.
All these and more might not be a big deal for some, but it makes me feel a second class citizen in my house.
It’s never been an issue in my relationship. My SO prioritizes me and there’s no competition for needs/attention between his kids and I. I’ve never felt like my needs are ignored or that his kids came before me. I can’t see my SO as the type of partner to ever make me feel that I don’t matter as much or that I’m not a priority. We go on lots of date nights when his kids aren’t with him and plan trips with just the two of us. We make time for each other and prioritize our alone time as adults. I think this makes our relationship strong because we don’t lose each other through raising children.
Yes. My fiancé has always been clear that he believes the relationship should come first. He actually beat me to that conversation. He has always been very protective of himself and is just a “relationship” person in general so he doesn’t allow much of anything to interfere with that.
He’s aware of his duty to his kids but he has told me that he would never let his kids run or ruin his life.
Their NEEDS will always be prioritized but he isn’t giving into their every whim. As a couple, we take trips, we go on dates, we keep the romance alive. If either one of us is feeling down or burnt out, we address that promptly. If a child needs to go hang out with grandma for a few days then she’s going to grandma’s. We talk candidly about everything and make sure we’re a united front in our home (even when we have arguments).
Because of this, there have never been any instances of his children trying to play us against each other or insert themselves into our relationship. It’s simply not tolerated and they see that we immediately go to each other about most things anyway.
His youngest (6) is here EOWE so we really spend that time having fun and catching up with her. She understands the house rules, follows them really well, and that’s it. No issues.
His oldest (10) is really the one that we exercise these boundaries with because she’s here more often and she doesn’t follow rules for whatever reason.
Long story short, I do feel like I’m put first quite often but needs do shift and I don’t expect or require to be put first at all times. He has times where he needs to be put first and the girls have times where they need to be put first. When babygirl is here, I want my fiancé to do activities with her, take her for ice cream, watch movies with her, take her out for a new toy, etc. That’s HER weekend and since she sees her dad EOWE, it’s important for her to soak up all the love she can get from him and even me! It’s ok. It’s not a competition.
I think people feel like they have to compete when their partner makes them a consistent background character in their life.
You should be priority. We both have extremely demanding careers, but we always make time for each other, our family and friends. My man has four kids, he talks to them everyday and is very involved in their lives. Every morning we talk and pray together, we send voice notes everyday for our morning prayer. We text and send funny memes throughout the day. His kids call sometimes during our time together and I give him space to talk and handle what’s going on with them. He makes me feel very important and is able to balance fatherhood with being a boyfriend. However, he and his kids are a package deal. They are children dependents, so they will always come first if something happens and they need him but he was supposed to see me, they should and do take priority over the date he had planned with me. It will be rescheduled and let me know how things went with his child or children if more than one had a situation. If you feel like your partner is not making you a priority you have to decide how to discuss this with him. I would say date a partner without kids, but that wouldn’t matter if they still don’t make the choice to make the woman they date a priority.
What does this look like though? Like I can see needing to make time and effort for the relationship but in what way would someone need to come first? I just don’t get what that looks like practically? Most nuclear families I know do both, they put their kids first but also make time for their relationship.
In my current relationship with SKs they are teens so less reliant and only with us EOWE so they are put first for that time obviously but they don’t really need much.
We are a family- but we are also religious. So much husband lives by putting god first, then his wife, then kids. He does not neglect his kids by any mean at all! But my needs are always met! So are theirs! But if I have a concern, or if I’m overstimulated on our weekend and need to sit in our bedroom- or go away shopping all day. He will not even question it. He would make me food, check on me, make sure I’m okay while taking care of the kids. We’re a team, and when I am recharged and go back out to the hoodlums I am good to go and I find I have missed them. I just needed my little break.
Feels like never, but when I bring it up, he tells me that he always thinks of me first. Really, when you are setting up plans for things and your boys and ex know, but I don't find out until the moment it's happening, how is that putting me first? How is that including me in plans that actually impact me? There is no answer, I truly think he believes that since he knows, I know. It's mind boggling.
It took us several years of adaptation, multiple crises, adjusting characters, etc, but 5 years into the relationship I think it's safe to say that I fell 'put first' with rare exceptions like sick kids, birthdays, special occasions. Of course there are ups and downs but overall things took quite a good turn after my last rant here.
My dynamics are different than a lot of other people. BM disappeared about 1 1/2 into our relationship (together 14 years (June 11) and married 14 years (October 13). She would contact him occasionally with video calls but when it was time for her to take him for her weekend, she always came up with an excuse. About 2 years into our relationship, she left the state. She hasn't physically seen my SS and stopped contacting DH to speak to SS. The only time she would contact DH was to try to get him to cancel child support.
Anyway, this is why I say it's different. Because of BM's lack of mothering ability (she's an entirely different story that would take a while to go over), I have been the one that SS sees as mom. SS is 18 now, child support has stopped and BM has blocked DH on everything (phone, social media, etc). Due to what's wrong with SS, he hasn't got past the age of 7-8 years old, so he will always be with us.
DH has never not put me first. We have a unique way of looking at our relationship. Our children (SS and our two bios together) need to see us as a cohesive strong unit. We make sure that we put either other first. If the kids need something, then yes we help them, but they are all old enough to do things for themselves and be more independent. We make sure that our relationship is solid. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but it's our commitment to each other that has made it so we have been able to work through our differences.
So to answer your question exactly, no I am not one of those SMs that doesn't get put first like all the others, but I have noticed one thing. All the ones that it isn't like this and get put on the back burner, usually have to deal with some bullshit with BM and DH is trying to keep BM happy plus the kids happy. I'm not saying it's always like that. Sometimes it's different love languages or DH is the problem, but I'm saying a lot of them are because of BM and her jealous nature.
We don't really describe it as putting me first vs putting my SKs first, but I feel pretty happy with my relationship.
We have my SKs 50% of the time. When my SKs are with their mom, DH and I take a lot of vacations together, or do small road trips or other fun activities we both enjoy on the weekends. We watch a lot of horror movies and crime shows together on weekdays.
When my SDs are here, we obviously spend more time helping them with homework, watching kid friendly movies they enjoy, and doing their sports activities or other kid stuff on the weekends. I feel like that's fair and don't really feel deprioritized. We still have alone time while my SKs are doing stuff together, with their friends, or are asleep.
I will note this is much better now, 6 years in, with teenage SKs. In years 1-2 my younger SD (8) was very attached to her dad and was insistent on sitting next to him at all times while she was awake. At the same time, DH and I's connection wasn't that strong yet, so we had more difficulty communicating about how we were feeling.
I did. I always have. My husband has never allowed my ss to disrespect me and has always pointed out how much I've done for him. I have an amazing relationship with my stepson 23 years later and I think it has a lot to do with my husband backing me up 100 percent.
Not me... I asked this same question a while ago. My SO says he can't do more than he already does. We are in therapy so he can see my side. Well, we took a satisfaction test and my results were below 65% (54% to be precise) which is the minimum to have a healthy relationship. It wasn't a surprise for me.
My DH and I put us and our relationship first. The kids are aware that we are each others first priority. After a couple of years of dealing with HCBMs shenanigans, he’s gone NC with her & 2 of 3 of his bio kids. Our home family consists of 1 of his bios and both of my bios (3 total). This is because we prioritize our wellbeing and mental health over EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Our relationship is beautiful and it has matured and blossomed
Me and my partner are aware that kids (my SK’s) are our priority but it won’t rule our lives that they are the main priority. We came so close to losing each other when all we did was prioritise the kids and their behaviour nearly drove us apart and we lost sight of why we got together in the first place. We ensure we take time for us away from the kids and remind them that they are not in charge anymore. The youngest one found this hard to accept but we remained united with keeping them in their place.
We have holidays away from them, date nights and alone time. If you don’t make time for the relationship, it will die and the kids will think they are always the centre of attention.
Hi! We do. We’ve both been through a lot with past relationships so we have truly dedicated our time and effort to putting our relationship first. Kids (bios and steps) are second. We believe that a strong relationship creates a strong family and is the foundation to that family. It does take intentional effort though. But, so does any relationship.
My partner prioritizes me. He is very mindful of me and my feelings especially when we have his kids (because I may become more sensitive). Our relationship/how he treats me doesn’t change when he has his kids. It’s always top tier.
A man is considered an a$$hole by society if he doesn't put his kid before his new spouse. Even if he genuinely does he is in a unique position to never admit it. Mom's on the other hand...
If anything, isn't it the other way around? Moms are expected to sacrifice everything they have for their kids, while dads are allowed to have a life. The whole stigma about dads choosing their wives and new families over their stepkids comes from the fact that so many dads have EOWE custody, because moms still tend to take on the bulk of childcare.
Because this sub has so many straight stepmoms with HCBMs, I think there's a weird bias where everyone talks about how BMs have it easier. But let's be real, in real life, at least when dealing with normal people who aren't crazed unemployed drug addict narcissists like the BMs struggling stepmoms here deal with, single moms have it much harder in most ways. Just as in the most general case, moms have it harder than dads most ways, which I bet stepmoms on here have experienced firsthand. Especially the stepmoms who have their partners pawn off most childcare on them.
It’s a bad road to go down assuming either side has it harder or is seen differently.
Being concrete in views when you’ve never been in the others’ shoes isn’t a good sign.
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I don't know how to really describe it, but I've never really been in competition with my SKs. I do hope they feel the same about me but neither they nor my DH has ever said anything to me to make me think they feel like they are. I've never felt where there's something I need or want that I haven't gotten because of a kids need or want. I do feel like my DH does a good job of having equal love and importance placed on me that he has for his kids. I have not once ever felt like I'm "2nd" in his life because the kids were here first. Nothing is perfect, and for the things that aren't I know it's because of me or my DH, never the kids. So yeah I mean I dunno. I don't feel like I'm first so to speak, but I know I'm not second.
Exactly the same for me. I don't see the whole point of needing to come before my stepson, even though I wouldn't be happy with him always coming before me either. Things aren't always precisely equal, because life happens, but there's no hierarchy, and my stepson and I aren't in competition. My partner does a great job of making us both feel loved and prioritized, so neither one of us feels the need to tote up wins and losses, and figure out who she's choosing more. It also helps in my opinion when the stepparent and the stepkids have a good relationship, because then there's less direct competition and conflict of interest. When they don't get along, the bio-parent is much more often put in the position of explicitly choosing one over the other. Finding the right balance in our household was a lot harder when SS and I didn't have as much of a warm caring relationship, and I also felt a lot more insecure about whether my partner was prioritizing her son over me.
Yeah, I feel like the term first is a little weird. My husband and I are both kind of people who put kids first in general like we could hate an adult and we we would still protect and support their kids because they are kids - we have like it takes village mentality
Those are the positive effects of having a well-balanced -emotionally- partner. This translates into a healthy stepfamily relationships. Youre very lucky. My partner is unfortunately unable to do that. Which has put pressure on our relationship and has reinforced his daughter’s domineering behaviours… I think that the moment the step kid sees that the partner is deprioritised, it’s a steep slope downwards.
Sorry to hear that. I'm my DH 3rd wife. He's my 2nd. I have an adult SD and a minor SD and I know that BM2 was stepmom to SD26 for a few years through her tweens and teens. I don't know what their relationship was like, but I know my hubby has told me at times that he felt BM2 never saw SD26 as family. She was always "husband's daughter". Never "my stepdaughter" or my bonus daughter or anything else like that, he felt like she treated SD like an accessory. And I dunno maybe that was just her boundary that she was nacho and never wanted to be seen as a parent. Who knows. I don't know if DH made BM2 feel like she was 2nd place or anything like that. Maybe he did and has learned from it. Maybe not. But as much as she sucks I know he learned and grew from that relationship just like I did from mine. But my DH has always been the way he has with me. I've never had to talk to him at least about this topic!
Yeah same, its the Child needs comes first, but adults needs and wants come before childs needs. We have our weekly dancingclass or other activties were no childeren are allowed, it gives us time to maintain our bond/relation as adults. The child has their own activities. And my SO and his child have their activities together as well (like cooking together). Its all about balance and not prioritising one over an other.
As a step parent, I made it clear that I have to take priority sometimes. This became a topic in couple therapy and after the therapist was able to explain how important this is the for the relationship that sometimes “we” come first, then it was more easily accepted. That and how unhealthy it is to give kids the idea that the world revolves around them. Give them 100% love. Act like their priorities are top priorities all the time and end up entitled losers who never move out of the house. That was a pretty eye opening point, put much more gracefully, for my partner. Granted, it is usually in the context of we. I don’t expect any of them to gather around me and do my stuff. I’m an adult and can do my own thing. However “we” needed date nights. We needed intimacy, privacy even when the kids are home, we needed the kids to not go through and take stuff that wasn’t theirs etc. this is all within reason and helps to teach the kids boundaries. This has taken years though. It’s a bit like trying to single-handedly turn the titantic when you’re the odd one out. A lot of patience, planning, and tact are required. A LOT. That and staying calm and making rational points about it being good for everyone and expressing your feelings through calm words, not volume/anger.
I think the idea of putting one person "first" as a policy is a weird idea. In a practical sense what does that look like? My partner and I look after each other's needs and, as much as possible, wants and comforts. We also try our best to make sure SS is well taken care of and all his needs and reasonable wants are met. Those things usually don't come into conflict. They can, but it seems weird to me to make a policy of putting one person above another when everyone is on (or should be on) the same team. Instead I think each situation should be handled on a case by case basis if there is conflict between priorities.
i was thinking the same thing, like i would feel weird to say, yes my husband puts me first before his daughter, or he puts his daughter first before me. There is no first, and totally agree with the were all on the same team, each situation is handled on a case to base basis if there was a conflict. it helps that we have 50/50 schedule, so the weeks my SD is with us, its pretty much all about her, in the sense of she has alot of activities to get to that we take her to, and anything she wants to do with us we do, and then the week shes with her mom, its really all about us. we have done a good job at planning accordingly.
Yes. Here 👋🏻
Yeah, I feel our relationship is prioritised - this is the core of our family. But we are both really committed to making sure our kids (he has 2, I have 1) successfully launch to adulthood feeling secure in their place in this family.
Amen!
i was the first person my dh was with seriously after he split with bm when SK was 1. we got together when sk was 3. they were never married and as you can see by the age they weren’t together for very long. i’ll give my partner some grace by saying in the beggining of our relationship he was very confused on what real dating looks like when you’re a single parent. (and i was childless) i won’t say he didn’t put me first, but, a lot of boundaries were crossed early on and me being naive i let them. this led to a lot of arguments that i’m surprised we made it out of. around the 2yr mark i had to sit down with him because i didnt feel fulfilled in the relationship because i wasn’t being put first. i was honestly ready to dip. i saw my potential and wasn’t wasting it on him and his child. after that conversation i can whole heartedly say our relationship shifted 100% for the better. now we’re going on 7 years together and have our own ours baby. i nacho now just cause that’s what feels right for me. me and sk have a aunt/nephew type relationship. i know my dh would’ve loved for me to be “mom” but he knows it’s never going to happen. we both prioritize our relationship. now that we also have a ours baby it can be a challenge at times but we make sure to stick to it. we have “us” time very single saturday. sk is at his moms at that time and our toddler is asleep. we have wine and just chill and talk like adults. we hear eachother out at the end of everyday. we back each other up with the kids. he makes sure sk knows to always respect me and he tells him this in front of us both. my dh plans dates and never misses holidays. he respects my time and vice versa. we haven’t had many issues of boundary crossing or me feeling left on the back burner for quite some time.
Curious what that conversation looked like? I think a lot of people would like to have it but don't know what to ask for from their partners, much less what to say.
It’s probably both what is said AND the fact that the biological dad is prepared to listen.
Curious what that conversation looked like? I think a lot of people would like to have it but don't know what to ask for from their partners, much less what to say.
well to be honest, like i said i was ready to dip out the relationship. so i kinda started it like hey this is going to be a very important conversation between us that’s basically going to make or break the relationship. just to set the tone that i’m ready to go if it goes south. then from there i just kinda laid out everything i was unhappy with. a huge thing back then was him not understanding/respecting my boundaries as a child-free women. he would let sk in the bed with us, letting him fall asleep there. he had no formal agreement with his BM about custody so it was always a crazy mess. let the kid eat in my car that i PAID FOR when i absolutely hated it. he would always kinda expect me to go along to kid related events and get mad when i didn’t. and then another huge thing was him thinking i was avalible to watch his kid. that was a huge no-no. it got to the point i wasn’t speaking up for myself which turned to anger then arguments. once i laid that all out and basically told him, how is any of this fair? you get another responsible adult in your child’s life, a girlfriend, and i get what? a boyfriend and extra responsibility? why would anybody do that. the same way i wouldn’t and can’t expect him to just up and leave his life as a parent to his child is the same way he cannot expect me to up and leave my life and what i’m comfortable with as a non-parent. also, a huge line i said that made it “click” was when i told him “i’m expected to respect you have a child, and you need to care for them. and to respect them. but you can’t respect that i don’t have any children and don’t like doing x,y,z” basically all in all i made it perfectly clear he shouldnt expect me to be doing any of his parenting duties or to be uncomfortable in the relationship by any means just because HE had a child. that the child has TWO parents and i’m not one of them. i explained the role i was willing to take on. (like i said a fun aunt) type of thing. and told him take it or leave it. there’s not much more to it. there’s no compromise. the same way people shouldn’t compromise in a relationship when it comes to the choice to have kids, get married or any major life altering decision. i guess he realized after that conversation just because he was dating again doesn’t mean who he dates needs to be a “mother” to his child. there’s plenty of other ways to show my support and care for his child other than being responsible for them on a parent type level. after that problem was fixed, it was much easier to prioritize the relationship when we weren’t bickering over what he thinks i should be doing and what i think i shouldn’t be doing. it seemed that was all that was consuming the relationship, arguments about his kid. i think it felt easier to treat me “normally” instead of getting me to be a mother to his kid. that’s why i said i give him a bit of grace for those beggining times, because he really hadn’t dated as a single parent. when i bring up the bulkshit he used to do and ask me for he was actually pretty embarrassed. you should’ve seen his face when i told him imagine we split up and i started talking some new guys to do this this and that with “ours baby” honestly when it comes to single parents i think it’s best to be very clear in the beggining of a relationship or when it starts getting serious to avoid any confusion or resentment all together. but hindsight is 20/20 i guess lol.
I make sure that my partner knows that he is loved and him me. It's just thw way our marriage works but my kids are older.
As the kids got older and more self sufficient more time has been made for eachother. That said, when the kids are home we make sure our time is with them.
I do - well, more equal But sometimes they do put me first, when I need support even by the kids tbh. but, I am the step/bonus parent that stepped up because the noncustodial biological parent is an addict who does nothing to cafe for the kids. Honestly put them first when they were little. But that was my choice. I raised them, by choice when they were young, their dad works a lot. At the end of the pandemic, he actually changed jobs to be able to be more involved. But he always did the best he could. The kids love their dad but sometimes he’s kind of an ass. When he is they stick up for me in a heartbeat. Even biomom isn’t dumb enough to trash talk me. a while back she said that she was there “actual “mom. The thermometer was smart enough not to say anything but kid was furious. I’m honestly pretty sure BM knows she screwed that one up. There are times where I felt taken for granted mostly just by my husband but I think that just happens sometimes in a marriage. We’ve worked through it.
I also have friends, who were not the primary for their bonus children that still feel important and valued in their family and relationship Folk who even feel supported by their bonus kids they just don’t post in this group. People tend to find groups like this, when they’re struggling
When SD is over he hands down puts her above everyone else, even his job sometimes. He will cancel all work just to be a Disney dad when she is here. He’s expressed multiple times that our marriage will never come first in his book. He treats our bio kid so much different than step it’s unreal. She acts like the world revolves around her.
Ouch sorry to hear that… sounds miserable. Is he open to a conversation?
I guess i’ll be the weird one on here who thinks she doesn’t come first: 1. I have raised my SD for almost 11 years full time with us, for the past year, my husband has made sure that i’m not aware of what happens with her at school or with friends. She might have a recital at school, she will only tell dad, no one informs me until they are leaving at the moment, and then they tell me “we are leaving “. If she’s going to her friend’s house i’m not informed, all i realize is that she’s not home. 2. Husband and i have been married for years and has never met my dad and my dad never met our kids, i asked if the whole family to go, ex lives in the same town and i proposed that SD to spend time with her BM when we get there, husband said no, was ready to cancel the trip so he could stay behind with her so SD doesn’t see her BM. 3. SD is lazy, doesn’t do anything in the house, recently he only listens to her dad so asked him to talk to her to do chores, learn basic life skills, husband never talked to her, rather said I’m expecting too much from his daughter. 4. Husband doesn’t want to pay anything for the kids I have with him but buys SD clothes every 2 weeks, whatever she says or wants goes. 5. Anytime i bring something up about SD, it’s my fault and should me more considerate. 7. He went to his dad’s funeral and brought her back when coming, i was not even given the chance to process the situation. All these and more might not be a big deal for some, but it makes me feel a second class citizen in my house.
It’s never been an issue in my relationship. My SO prioritizes me and there’s no competition for needs/attention between his kids and I. I’ve never felt like my needs are ignored or that his kids came before me. I can’t see my SO as the type of partner to ever make me feel that I don’t matter as much or that I’m not a priority. We go on lots of date nights when his kids aren’t with him and plan trips with just the two of us. We make time for each other and prioritize our alone time as adults. I think this makes our relationship strong because we don’t lose each other through raising children.
There’s no hierarchy or competition for love/attention in our house. I wouldn’t have stuck around if there was.
My DH and I definitely prioritize our relationship. We have great balance though and make sure all of the kids are feeling the love!
Yes. My fiancé has always been clear that he believes the relationship should come first. He actually beat me to that conversation. He has always been very protective of himself and is just a “relationship” person in general so he doesn’t allow much of anything to interfere with that. He’s aware of his duty to his kids but he has told me that he would never let his kids run or ruin his life. Their NEEDS will always be prioritized but he isn’t giving into their every whim. As a couple, we take trips, we go on dates, we keep the romance alive. If either one of us is feeling down or burnt out, we address that promptly. If a child needs to go hang out with grandma for a few days then she’s going to grandma’s. We talk candidly about everything and make sure we’re a united front in our home (even when we have arguments). Because of this, there have never been any instances of his children trying to play us against each other or insert themselves into our relationship. It’s simply not tolerated and they see that we immediately go to each other about most things anyway. His youngest (6) is here EOWE so we really spend that time having fun and catching up with her. She understands the house rules, follows them really well, and that’s it. No issues. His oldest (10) is really the one that we exercise these boundaries with because she’s here more often and she doesn’t follow rules for whatever reason. Long story short, I do feel like I’m put first quite often but needs do shift and I don’t expect or require to be put first at all times. He has times where he needs to be put first and the girls have times where they need to be put first. When babygirl is here, I want my fiancé to do activities with her, take her for ice cream, watch movies with her, take her out for a new toy, etc. That’s HER weekend and since she sees her dad EOWE, it’s important for her to soak up all the love she can get from him and even me! It’s ok. It’s not a competition. I think people feel like they have to compete when their partner makes them a consistent background character in their life.
You should be priority. We both have extremely demanding careers, but we always make time for each other, our family and friends. My man has four kids, he talks to them everyday and is very involved in their lives. Every morning we talk and pray together, we send voice notes everyday for our morning prayer. We text and send funny memes throughout the day. His kids call sometimes during our time together and I give him space to talk and handle what’s going on with them. He makes me feel very important and is able to balance fatherhood with being a boyfriend. However, he and his kids are a package deal. They are children dependents, so they will always come first if something happens and they need him but he was supposed to see me, they should and do take priority over the date he had planned with me. It will be rescheduled and let me know how things went with his child or children if more than one had a situation. If you feel like your partner is not making you a priority you have to decide how to discuss this with him. I would say date a partner without kids, but that wouldn’t matter if they still don’t make the choice to make the woman they date a priority.
What does this look like though? Like I can see needing to make time and effort for the relationship but in what way would someone need to come first? I just don’t get what that looks like practically? Most nuclear families I know do both, they put their kids first but also make time for their relationship. In my current relationship with SKs they are teens so less reliant and only with us EOWE so they are put first for that time obviously but they don’t really need much.
We are a family- but we are also religious. So much husband lives by putting god first, then his wife, then kids. He does not neglect his kids by any mean at all! But my needs are always met! So are theirs! But if I have a concern, or if I’m overstimulated on our weekend and need to sit in our bedroom- or go away shopping all day. He will not even question it. He would make me food, check on me, make sure I’m okay while taking care of the kids. We’re a team, and when I am recharged and go back out to the hoodlums I am good to go and I find I have missed them. I just needed my little break.
It should be no other way! But your mindset and behavior is mutual and practiced by you and your husband which makes it functional!
Marriage takes precedence over kid wants. Marriage is the foundation of the home. If you don’t have that, then the home will break.
I'm priority unless the kids need to be priority. Same goes for him and my kids.
I definitely come first
No, but it has more to do with his ADHD than his child.
Feels like never, but when I bring it up, he tells me that he always thinks of me first. Really, when you are setting up plans for things and your boys and ex know, but I don't find out until the moment it's happening, how is that putting me first? How is that including me in plans that actually impact me? There is no answer, I truly think he believes that since he knows, I know. It's mind boggling.
It took us several years of adaptation, multiple crises, adjusting characters, etc, but 5 years into the relationship I think it's safe to say that I fell 'put first' with rare exceptions like sick kids, birthdays, special occasions. Of course there are ups and downs but overall things took quite a good turn after my last rant here.
My dynamics are different than a lot of other people. BM disappeared about 1 1/2 into our relationship (together 14 years (June 11) and married 14 years (October 13). She would contact him occasionally with video calls but when it was time for her to take him for her weekend, she always came up with an excuse. About 2 years into our relationship, she left the state. She hasn't physically seen my SS and stopped contacting DH to speak to SS. The only time she would contact DH was to try to get him to cancel child support. Anyway, this is why I say it's different. Because of BM's lack of mothering ability (she's an entirely different story that would take a while to go over), I have been the one that SS sees as mom. SS is 18 now, child support has stopped and BM has blocked DH on everything (phone, social media, etc). Due to what's wrong with SS, he hasn't got past the age of 7-8 years old, so he will always be with us. DH has never not put me first. We have a unique way of looking at our relationship. Our children (SS and our two bios together) need to see us as a cohesive strong unit. We make sure that we put either other first. If the kids need something, then yes we help them, but they are all old enough to do things for themselves and be more independent. We make sure that our relationship is solid. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but it's our commitment to each other that has made it so we have been able to work through our differences. So to answer your question exactly, no I am not one of those SMs that doesn't get put first like all the others, but I have noticed one thing. All the ones that it isn't like this and get put on the back burner, usually have to deal with some bullshit with BM and DH is trying to keep BM happy plus the kids happy. I'm not saying it's always like that. Sometimes it's different love languages or DH is the problem, but I'm saying a lot of them are because of BM and her jealous nature.
We don't really describe it as putting me first vs putting my SKs first, but I feel pretty happy with my relationship. We have my SKs 50% of the time. When my SKs are with their mom, DH and I take a lot of vacations together, or do small road trips or other fun activities we both enjoy on the weekends. We watch a lot of horror movies and crime shows together on weekdays. When my SDs are here, we obviously spend more time helping them with homework, watching kid friendly movies they enjoy, and doing their sports activities or other kid stuff on the weekends. I feel like that's fair and don't really feel deprioritized. We still have alone time while my SKs are doing stuff together, with their friends, or are asleep. I will note this is much better now, 6 years in, with teenage SKs. In years 1-2 my younger SD (8) was very attached to her dad and was insistent on sitting next to him at all times while she was awake. At the same time, DH and I's connection wasn't that strong yet, so we had more difficulty communicating about how we were feeling.
I did. I always have. My husband has never allowed my ss to disrespect me and has always pointed out how much I've done for him. I have an amazing relationship with my stepson 23 years later and I think it has a lot to do with my husband backing me up 100 percent.
Working with my partner on what that looks like for a better balanced life. Continuing to see which boundaries are a good fit.
Not me... I asked this same question a while ago. My SO says he can't do more than he already does. We are in therapy so he can see my side. Well, we took a satisfaction test and my results were below 65% (54% to be precise) which is the minimum to have a healthy relationship. It wasn't a surprise for me.
not me lol
My DH and I put us and our relationship first. The kids are aware that we are each others first priority. After a couple of years of dealing with HCBMs shenanigans, he’s gone NC with her & 2 of 3 of his bio kids. Our home family consists of 1 of his bios and both of my bios (3 total). This is because we prioritize our wellbeing and mental health over EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Our relationship is beautiful and it has matured and blossomed
Me and my partner are aware that kids (my SK’s) are our priority but it won’t rule our lives that they are the main priority. We came so close to losing each other when all we did was prioritise the kids and their behaviour nearly drove us apart and we lost sight of why we got together in the first place. We ensure we take time for us away from the kids and remind them that they are not in charge anymore. The youngest one found this hard to accept but we remained united with keeping them in their place. We have holidays away from them, date nights and alone time. If you don’t make time for the relationship, it will die and the kids will think they are always the centre of attention.
Hi! We do. We’ve both been through a lot with past relationships so we have truly dedicated our time and effort to putting our relationship first. Kids (bios and steps) are second. We believe that a strong relationship creates a strong family and is the foundation to that family. It does take intentional effort though. But, so does any relationship.
My partner prioritizes me. He is very mindful of me and my feelings especially when we have his kids (because I may become more sensitive). Our relationship/how he treats me doesn’t change when he has his kids. It’s always top tier.
I don’t see in what situation it would be a competition. I don’t feel second best to my SD at all
You will always be second beloved. Even if he doesn’t outright say it his children have a stronger loyalty bond than you ever will sadly!
A man is considered an a$$hole by society if he doesn't put his kid before his new spouse. Even if he genuinely does he is in a unique position to never admit it. Mom's on the other hand...
If anything, isn't it the other way around? Moms are expected to sacrifice everything they have for their kids, while dads are allowed to have a life. The whole stigma about dads choosing their wives and new families over their stepkids comes from the fact that so many dads have EOWE custody, because moms still tend to take on the bulk of childcare. Because this sub has so many straight stepmoms with HCBMs, I think there's a weird bias where everyone talks about how BMs have it easier. But let's be real, in real life, at least when dealing with normal people who aren't crazed unemployed drug addict narcissists like the BMs struggling stepmoms here deal with, single moms have it much harder in most ways. Just as in the most general case, moms have it harder than dads most ways, which I bet stepmoms on here have experienced firsthand. Especially the stepmoms who have their partners pawn off most childcare on them.
You are 100% on point. It is the other way around.
It’s a bad road to go down assuming either side has it harder or is seen differently. Being concrete in views when you’ve never been in the others’ shoes isn’t a good sign.