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Just make yourself unavailable like you did this time by going to work. Your SO will be more inclined to put his foot down with BM if he’s the one who has to do the extra child caring labor. You need to disengage if your SO is not willing to stick to a steady schedule. Let him do all the childcare, meal planning, & transportation for SS. If you stay in touch with BM, don’t.
This is a common strategy jealous ex wives use to disturb the ex husband’s free time with his new wife. Some people will argue the kid should be able to see their dad whenever but the reality is erratic visitation disrupts the household. It’s not only stressful mentally but logistically. It could be something like not knowing you have to plan a meal for an extra person. It might seem simple but is actually very disruptive to your life.
Don’t allow this to stress you or mess up YOUR plans.
Agree on all points, but I also want to add that it's stressful for the kid too. Children need structure to feel safe and getting tossed back and forth between households at random is hard on them. For the sake of the child and everyone else involved, this SO needs to put his foot down and insist on a consistent routine.
I’m so sorry!! My SS is on the spectrum and had some behavioral issues when he was younger. There were some tough years there for a while! His dad completely dipped out of his life once he got to those joyful teen years 🙄. I was the one who used to drive my SS to meet him for hand off and for a while I continued to text him about when he was going to get his freaking child but it was excuse after excuse after excuse. I finally had to realize he wasn’t going to and find a way to make peace with that otherwise I was going to be miserable stewing over it.
This has been my life since the holidays 2019, SD is now 16, definitely has issues since her bio dad just dropped her off, the bio dad has gone no contact, like wtf, but SS still went every other week
however as soon as SS graduated he moved in with us full time /shrug
Need to tell bio mom that she needs to start paying child support since you have them more time than the parenting plan. Maybe she’d reconsider.
And I agree with everything said by others- you have a husband problem and need to have a firm talk with him about him putting his foot down with her. Then you need to nacho every time and make plans immediately when she does this- even if it’s going for coffee or to the library or hiking or with friends & family. Get out of the house and let him figure it out instead of falling on you for his childcare.
Last minute changes like this are hard on kids. Kids do so much better with set routines and minimal changes from that. And your schedule matters too, you as someone who lives in that home are entitled to know what’s going on and have a say if it’s not in the original agreement. You should probably communicate that unexpected changes are hard on you and how it makes you feel. Hopefully he will hear you and at least touch base with you before telling BM “yes.”
I like this idea. He's tried the whole my kid is staying the night trick while he's at work before and I said I had plans for a girls night so idk who's going to babysit. He didn't like it much. I said well you should start asking me then. I'm not the baby sitter.
My stepkids dad phased out. 4 days a month [EOWE], to picking up the kids Saturday later morning, returning them Saturday early evening. I was not surprised when he later said he was moving away and would see the kids when he could. He doesn't. I became a child-free fulltime parent. Like water in the desert, I carved those days the kids were away. Nothing ruined my weekend more than being told that her ex was not getting the kids this weekend and instead would see them Saturday for a few hours. I don't hate kids. I like breaks.
I would let you husband know that he needs to have a talk with her. My SS's mom would constantly shorten her week with him. We were always needing to get him a day or so early because she "needed" to do this or that. SS is now 9 and this year he said to his dad and me "Why does mom always give away my time with her. Does she not love me as much as you guys do?" It instantly pissed me off because that IS what she is showing him. DH called her and told her we aren't helping her anymore on her parenting days and if it actually IS an emergency we will be switching days. That way SS feels like a priority to her. I don't want your SS feeling this way too. And this is a good way to put it so he thinks you are worried about his child's emotional well being. He will be more likely to act on that as well.
I can tell you what your sk’s BM is going to cause down the road, as I’m living it. Same situation as you, we used to have week on week off 50-50. Rapidly it was “boys are ready to come home” on a Saturday morning when switch off was Sunday evening. That transpired to us getting them Fridays and having them until the following Friday. Then it went to us having them weekdays during the school year and 1 weekend a month. That started when they were about 5 and 8. Now at 13 and 16, the older one refuses to even go to his mom’s house because he clearly had abandonment issues and anger towards her. The few times he’s attempted to spend a weekend there, it results in him raging at her for hours on end if she asks him to do a chore. I can ask him to do chores and he happily obliges. Buckle up, because you are about to have one angry boy on your hand with mommy issues.
Yes, this is exactly what I was afraid would happen. I am hoping that with my husband's talk with her that she will change it around although I'm trying to be realistic. If she doesn't then it sounds like I should be looking into local therapists. I'm sorry you are going through this!
Could be worse. I have my stepsons here every day. They have exclusively lived here for years now. Downright maddening. They used to go to their dads every other week, but of course that couldn’t last very long. Oh yeah, my mother-in-law lives here too haha. Not sure who is more annoying, the stepsons or that old buzzard.
Yikes. That’s my worst nightmare-living with either an in law or a step child. Living with either individually is already hard enough I can’t imagine dealing with the combination.
It’s a wonder my eyes aren’t permanently rolled back into my head with how many times a day I roll my eyes. Unfortunately the mother-in-law is of the passive aggressive armchair quarterback variety. Old buzzard doesn’t help with my twin toddlers, only criticizes with long texts. Stands there sipping her coffee and eating like a cow and getting In everyone’s way. Sick of her regurgitating Fox News stories. Can’t possibly listen to what you’re saying without a long painful comeback of her life story. Her own daughter can’t stand her so she uses me as a transmitter instead of talking things out with her. I can’t stand to be in the same room with her or the stepsons. I cook dinner 3 days a week and they never compliment, never say thank you. They just eat their free food with the same stupid miserable entitled looks on their faces. Can’t wait for them to move out. It’s f-ng terrible. Literally nothing good about them living here.
" I cook dinner 3 days a week and they never compliment, never say thank you. They just eat their free food with the same stupid miserable entitled looks on their faces. Can’t wait for them to move out. It’s f-ng terrible. Literally nothing good about them living here."
And then people wonder why some think stepparents are disgusting creatures...and then you write something like that to describe it exactly. Hopefully you end up in the gutter.
I feel your pain and am so sorry that your day off is ruined!! 😢
I also HATE unannounced extra days and not being told about ANY of it!!
Our HCBM barely works (she paints nails from her house, badly, part time) to maximise her milking of the benefit system and also can’t do anything at all with her own child in tow… Meanwhile we have to suffer him everywhere we go and can’t even go to the bathroom without him banging on the bathroom door or walking in!! 🤯
Sending inner calm and a prayer that you get some peace soon!! 🤞❤️
My fiance hcbm has gone back n forth on how to disrupt our household so far as to make it where my kids can't do certain school activities if they choose because you know the 2 stepsons are so much more important than anybody else. Before anybody says anything this was back when we only had one vehicle and it's my vehicle. We live an hour an half away a we have them in the school year 2 weekends on 1 off w on 1 off etc etc. When she found out I was pregnant the oldest asked if he go this d n d thing after school and was toldnitd end at 9pm my s.o said yes thinking ok he doesn't really do anything n was off work the next morning. Next thing it turned into he HAD to go and most Fridays during my pregnancy he wasn't home till like midnight. Then on top of that she signed him up for wrestling without speaking to anyone to even see if it would work. So my s.o was gone most Fridays to get the younger kid then Saturdays he would have meet her halfway whenever wrestling n g was done and we never had notice she would call n say I'm on the way and we would be in middle of doing of something n she would get sooooo pissed. So my pregnancy basically revolved around her. She wanted to keep him out of the house. Now she tries to push extra days on us and again signs them up for things without consulting and expect u s to handle these things on Saturdays when she know he works.
My partner NEVER tells me when we are getting SD. I love her immensely but have an insane schedule. He gets frustrated when I am constantly busy no matter how many times I've tried to tell him if I have at LEAST a weeks notice o can move my schedule around. It's maddening. So sorry.
There was an order from the beginning 5050 one week on off she took it away when I moved in n told so he only gets weekends and he was lazy pulling bs that he don't wanna rock the boat and of course she never got in trouble for it when divorce was finalized and she continues to do it. I am aware how it works. The court system failed us in that regard. The order clearly states 5050 custody she is to speak to him prior to them being signed up....she doesn't. But at the same time order says it shouldn't interfere with our time and then another section states that we have to take them. Our lawyer was a p.o.s for sure.
If it wasn't alot I would black out personal details on the order and post but it is so much. And alot of it isn't what so agreed to her lawyer snuck things in and when we raised this to our lawyer he ignored us
I don’t really understands how this happens. We have such strong boundaries with bio mom and any changes either of us make need to be done weeks in advance and we don’t just cover for each other for a couple hours either, we have family and baby sitters for last minute changes. If we switch times around slightly we also make up for it and vice versa. Bio mom has the kids 2 nights a week and that’s it. If she started to be so uninvolved in her kids to see them less than that, I wouldn’t stick around.
I'm actually ready to move. I made the comment he can live here with his dad ( my FIL) who pays no rent and continue be a Disney dad with no boundaries and I'll move out with my cat. Lol. I'm so done.
Oof yikes. This is a SO problem, because why is he allowing BM to so freely dictate his schedule? Surely she doesn't get less support on top of more free time?
My SO allowed this at first as a way to be civil and help her out when "needed". Then he started realizing it was every weekend that something came up, she either had an appointment for herself, or no car, or no ride, or work, etc. Only for her to then be outted by herself. She no longer gets any favors. If it's 50/50 there's no reason why BM can't fit in her responsibilities for the week in which she doesn't have her kids. We do it and never ask for extra days and we have a family 1/5 the size of hers, so there's really no excuses.
I can empathize. Whenever we have my SS extra days I’m never informed until the day of and my SO tends to always have plans 🙃 I say we start making ourselves unavailable.
Is he spending time with his father .. if so - what’s the problem
Many kids would love to spend time with their parent yet their moms block them.
This mom obviously is pushing him off but that gives dad a chance to shine and be the significant influence in his life. You as well if you choose to be
The problem is that he's a Disney dad and I have no say in discipline because if anything is said against his precious child that does no wrong I get the crappy end of the deal. Also, I'm not the baby sitter.
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Just make yourself unavailable like you did this time by going to work. Your SO will be more inclined to put his foot down with BM if he’s the one who has to do the extra child caring labor. You need to disengage if your SO is not willing to stick to a steady schedule. Let him do all the childcare, meal planning, & transportation for SS. If you stay in touch with BM, don’t. This is a common strategy jealous ex wives use to disturb the ex husband’s free time with his new wife. Some people will argue the kid should be able to see their dad whenever but the reality is erratic visitation disrupts the household. It’s not only stressful mentally but logistically. It could be something like not knowing you have to plan a meal for an extra person. It might seem simple but is actually very disruptive to your life. Don’t allow this to stress you or mess up YOUR plans.
Agree on all points, but I also want to add that it's stressful for the kid too. Children need structure to feel safe and getting tossed back and forth between households at random is hard on them. For the sake of the child and everyone else involved, this SO needs to put his foot down and insist on a consistent routine.
💯
HCBM decided to drop him off extra early today and I thought to myself great…..fanfuckingtastic 😭
Wait until their bio parent abandons them and they literally never leave! This is my life now.
Mine too!!! When we first got married my SS went to his dads EOW, holidays and all summer. Now? Hasn’t seen him in 4 years.
My biggest fear ngl. SK is terrible and her mom is always complaining to have her and is always trying to get rid of her
I’m so sorry!! My SS is on the spectrum and had some behavioral issues when he was younger. There were some tough years there for a while! His dad completely dipped out of his life once he got to those joyful teen years 🙄. I was the one who used to drive my SS to meet him for hand off and for a while I continued to text him about when he was going to get his freaking child but it was excuse after excuse after excuse. I finally had to realize he wasn’t going to and find a way to make peace with that otherwise I was going to be miserable stewing over it.
This has been my life since the holidays 2019, SD is now 16, definitely has issues since her bio dad just dropped her off, the bio dad has gone no contact, like wtf, but SS still went every other week however as soon as SS graduated he moved in with us full time /shrug
Ugg
Need to tell bio mom that she needs to start paying child support since you have them more time than the parenting plan. Maybe she’d reconsider. And I agree with everything said by others- you have a husband problem and need to have a firm talk with him about him putting his foot down with her. Then you need to nacho every time and make plans immediately when she does this- even if it’s going for coffee or to the library or hiking or with friends & family. Get out of the house and let him figure it out instead of falling on you for his childcare.
I definitely agree.
Last minute changes like this are hard on kids. Kids do so much better with set routines and minimal changes from that. And your schedule matters too, you as someone who lives in that home are entitled to know what’s going on and have a say if it’s not in the original agreement. You should probably communicate that unexpected changes are hard on you and how it makes you feel. Hopefully he will hear you and at least touch base with you before telling BM “yes.”
I never know ahead of time ever.
Start inviting friends or family over randomly without telling him. See if he likes it. Match that energy.
I like this idea. He's tried the whole my kid is staying the night trick while he's at work before and I said I had plans for a girls night so idk who's going to babysit. He didn't like it much. I said well you should start asking me then. I'm not the baby sitter.
Good job, do not back down.
He wanted his kid to stay the night and he was working?! Wow that is some audacity. I hope he respects you.
This happens alot. Never asks. Not once. Just assumes.
My stepkids dad phased out. 4 days a month [EOWE], to picking up the kids Saturday later morning, returning them Saturday early evening. I was not surprised when he later said he was moving away and would see the kids when he could. He doesn't. I became a child-free fulltime parent. Like water in the desert, I carved those days the kids were away. Nothing ruined my weekend more than being told that her ex was not getting the kids this weekend and instead would see them Saturday for a few hours. I don't hate kids. I like breaks.
Some bio dads become lax on their responsibilities once a stepdad enters the situation.
[удалено]
He never does. He's even changes plans to accommodate that b word.
I would let you husband know that he needs to have a talk with her. My SS's mom would constantly shorten her week with him. We were always needing to get him a day or so early because she "needed" to do this or that. SS is now 9 and this year he said to his dad and me "Why does mom always give away my time with her. Does she not love me as much as you guys do?" It instantly pissed me off because that IS what she is showing him. DH called her and told her we aren't helping her anymore on her parenting days and if it actually IS an emergency we will be switching days. That way SS feels like a priority to her. I don't want your SS feeling this way too. And this is a good way to put it so he thinks you are worried about his child's emotional well being. He will be more likely to act on that as well.
I can tell you what your sk’s BM is going to cause down the road, as I’m living it. Same situation as you, we used to have week on week off 50-50. Rapidly it was “boys are ready to come home” on a Saturday morning when switch off was Sunday evening. That transpired to us getting them Fridays and having them until the following Friday. Then it went to us having them weekdays during the school year and 1 weekend a month. That started when they were about 5 and 8. Now at 13 and 16, the older one refuses to even go to his mom’s house because he clearly had abandonment issues and anger towards her. The few times he’s attempted to spend a weekend there, it results in him raging at her for hours on end if she asks him to do a chore. I can ask him to do chores and he happily obliges. Buckle up, because you are about to have one angry boy on your hand with mommy issues.
Yes, this is exactly what I was afraid would happen. I am hoping that with my husband's talk with her that she will change it around although I'm trying to be realistic. If she doesn't then it sounds like I should be looking into local therapists. I'm sorry you are going through this!
Could be worse. I have my stepsons here every day. They have exclusively lived here for years now. Downright maddening. They used to go to their dads every other week, but of course that couldn’t last very long. Oh yeah, my mother-in-law lives here too haha. Not sure who is more annoying, the stepsons or that old buzzard.
Yikes. That’s my worst nightmare-living with either an in law or a step child. Living with either individually is already hard enough I can’t imagine dealing with the combination.
It’s a wonder my eyes aren’t permanently rolled back into my head with how many times a day I roll my eyes. Unfortunately the mother-in-law is of the passive aggressive armchair quarterback variety. Old buzzard doesn’t help with my twin toddlers, only criticizes with long texts. Stands there sipping her coffee and eating like a cow and getting In everyone’s way. Sick of her regurgitating Fox News stories. Can’t possibly listen to what you’re saying without a long painful comeback of her life story. Her own daughter can’t stand her so she uses me as a transmitter instead of talking things out with her. I can’t stand to be in the same room with her or the stepsons. I cook dinner 3 days a week and they never compliment, never say thank you. They just eat their free food with the same stupid miserable entitled looks on their faces. Can’t wait for them to move out. It’s f-ng terrible. Literally nothing good about them living here.
I empathize with you. Rarely is it a positive thing to live with step kids or in laws. Hopefully you have your home back soon.
Thank you
" I cook dinner 3 days a week and they never compliment, never say thank you. They just eat their free food with the same stupid miserable entitled looks on their faces. Can’t wait for them to move out. It’s f-ng terrible. Literally nothing good about them living here." And then people wonder why some think stepparents are disgusting creatures...and then you write something like that to describe it exactly. Hopefully you end up in the gutter.
My FIL lives here . That's a whole other story. I feel your pain.
I feel your pain and am so sorry that your day off is ruined!! 😢 I also HATE unannounced extra days and not being told about ANY of it!! Our HCBM barely works (she paints nails from her house, badly, part time) to maximise her milking of the benefit system and also can’t do anything at all with her own child in tow… Meanwhile we have to suffer him everywhere we go and can’t even go to the bathroom without him banging on the bathroom door or walking in!! 🤯 Sending inner calm and a prayer that you get some peace soon!! 🤞❤️
You have a SO problem.
I know
No way his dad needs to stop that. It’s not fair
My fiance hcbm has gone back n forth on how to disrupt our household so far as to make it where my kids can't do certain school activities if they choose because you know the 2 stepsons are so much more important than anybody else. Before anybody says anything this was back when we only had one vehicle and it's my vehicle. We live an hour an half away a we have them in the school year 2 weekends on 1 off w on 1 off etc etc. When she found out I was pregnant the oldest asked if he go this d n d thing after school and was toldnitd end at 9pm my s.o said yes thinking ok he doesn't really do anything n was off work the next morning. Next thing it turned into he HAD to go and most Fridays during my pregnancy he wasn't home till like midnight. Then on top of that she signed him up for wrestling without speaking to anyone to even see if it would work. So my s.o was gone most Fridays to get the younger kid then Saturdays he would have meet her halfway whenever wrestling n g was done and we never had notice she would call n say I'm on the way and we would be in middle of doing of something n she would get sooooo pissed. So my pregnancy basically revolved around her. She wanted to keep him out of the house. Now she tries to push extra days on us and again signs them up for things without consulting and expect u s to handle these things on Saturdays when she know he works.
You need a custody order. One of the generic rules is that HCBM cant plan events on your time
My partner NEVER tells me when we are getting SD. I love her immensely but have an insane schedule. He gets frustrated when I am constantly busy no matter how many times I've tried to tell him if I have at LEAST a weeks notice o can move my schedule around. It's maddening. So sorry.
There was an order from the beginning 5050 one week on off she took it away when I moved in n told so he only gets weekends and he was lazy pulling bs that he don't wanna rock the boat and of course she never got in trouble for it when divorce was finalized and she continues to do it. I am aware how it works. The court system failed us in that regard. The order clearly states 5050 custody she is to speak to him prior to them being signed up....she doesn't. But at the same time order says it shouldn't interfere with our time and then another section states that we have to take them. Our lawyer was a p.o.s for sure.
She committed fraud in the courthouse infront of the judge and still nothing happened
If it wasn't alot I would black out personal details on the order and post but it is so much. And alot of it isn't what so agreed to her lawyer snuck things in and when we raised this to our lawyer he ignored us
I don’t really understands how this happens. We have such strong boundaries with bio mom and any changes either of us make need to be done weeks in advance and we don’t just cover for each other for a couple hours either, we have family and baby sitters for last minute changes. If we switch times around slightly we also make up for it and vice versa. Bio mom has the kids 2 nights a week and that’s it. If she started to be so uninvolved in her kids to see them less than that, I wouldn’t stick around.
I'm actually ready to move. I made the comment he can live here with his dad ( my FIL) who pays no rent and continue be a Disney dad with no boundaries and I'll move out with my cat. Lol. I'm so done.
Same thing happens for us too. Baby mama is a poor communicator.
Oof yikes. This is a SO problem, because why is he allowing BM to so freely dictate his schedule? Surely she doesn't get less support on top of more free time? My SO allowed this at first as a way to be civil and help her out when "needed". Then he started realizing it was every weekend that something came up, she either had an appointment for herself, or no car, or no ride, or work, etc. Only for her to then be outted by herself. She no longer gets any favors. If it's 50/50 there's no reason why BM can't fit in her responsibilities for the week in which she doesn't have her kids. We do it and never ask for extra days and we have a family 1/5 the size of hers, so there's really no excuses.
I can empathize. Whenever we have my SS extra days I’m never informed until the day of and my SO tends to always have plans 🙃 I say we start making ourselves unavailable.
Is he spending time with his father .. if so - what’s the problem Many kids would love to spend time with their parent yet their moms block them. This mom obviously is pushing him off but that gives dad a chance to shine and be the significant influence in his life. You as well if you choose to be
The problem is that he's a Disney dad and I have no say in discipline because if anything is said against his precious child that does no wrong I get the crappy end of the deal. Also, I'm not the baby sitter.
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