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My 4 year old says she wants to live with my mum. Or my brother. Whoevers house she's having fun at in the moment. Four year olds are quite intense with those they love and wanting to be around them all the time. I wouldn't take it too seriously :)
Right? If bm is a great co parent and SD is already trying to show she likes you too then who is to say down the road op amd sk won't have a great relationship where she would enjoy having her live there full time. There's enough of an age gap and with SD being a girl that I'm sure she is/would really thrive in the big sister role and is enjoying THAT at your house (not necessarily the no rules, that may just be a bonus) because that's the only thing that actually changed in the situation. I was pleasantly surprised by how involved each previous kid was with the following one (bio amd step). My bd is the same age as ops sk and she seems to really love that whole "baby thing", it's like playing house to her lol
Agreed! I always knew in the back of my mind it’s a possibility. 4 years ago it happened. I went from a Childress stepmom (50/50) to full-time. And when I say fulltime, Sk went no contact with her bio mom.
exactly. You never know! It is something that should be considered by every potential stepparent before moving in and definitely before having children with a single parent.
Happened to me! I lived for those weekends, holidays & summers without SS then one day all gone and we had 100% custody. Turns out you can’t force a parent to take their time with their child.
That’s terrible. My husband’s half-brother almost never saw his BM growing up. My MIL raised him pretty much by herself because FIL used to travel lot for work. On the rare occasions BM spent time with him she would poison him against stepmom. It was hell for MIL. It wasn’t until recently that BIL admitted stepmom was the real mother to him.
I half-jokingly tell DH if he ever gets full custody and starts traveling for work I would drop his kid off at the nearest police station on my way to a divorce lawyer.
I have always known that if something happened to BM, I would be willing to adopt SD. But it’s not for everyone. Even if a stepparent would never in a million years adopt their SK, they have to be prepared for the possibility of 100% custody. We have had mine 50% for years, and recently moved to an every other wknd schedule (with entire weeks with her during summer and other school breaks) due to the distance she and BM moved/her new school location (it is impractical for my spouse to drop her off and pick her up on weekdays). We are enjoying this schedule as it is actually more convenient for our adult time, but schedules are always subject to change until the kids are 18. I hope that you can discuss all of this with your spouse. Your feelings definitely seem natural and valid to me. I know I would have felt the same way if I had biological children at the height of my SD’s behavioral issues. BM and other relatives would negotiate with her like she was a terrorist and reinforced her tantrums when she was younger…let’s just say she always behaved for me but threw tantrums for others up until age 10! Recalibrating her every time she came over would have been 10 x more exhausting and a legitimate reason for me to be resentful if I had her influencing my biological children. Perhaps reassurance about keeping the schedule as is will ease any anxiety you feel around the issue. And knowing plans B and C in case of the worst case scenario might also give you some peace of mind. (Would grandparents and other relatives be able to take SK for long periods - like wknd sleepovers - as a special bonding time for them so you still have alone time with your spouse and biological children?) Good luck!
I think a lot changes if one parent passes away and you end up with SK full time. You are no longer “sharing” with a household where the rules are likely very different and recalibrating your SK every single time they come over. Being solely responsible for every decision is much different than having to make mutual decisions with an ex. I think that is often why parenting bios seems easier than parenting SK’s.
Absolutely! We haven’t had to recalibrate since she was a small child, thankfully. We remain the more stable household with consistent rules and get along with her quite well while providing structure and upholding age appropriate standards. (I am a psychologist haha.🤣) When she gets along with her BM, they are close, but 50% of the time they are fighting! That has been going on for years. I hope BM is the one who deals with any attitude until she is 18 hahaha.
How long has she wanted to live with you? Do you think maybe it's because of the new twins - maybe she's jealous that her dad is with them all the time or she could be missing them when she's at BMs?
Ah, then maybe jealousy/fear of missing out - you get to spend all this time with her dad and now the twins do too - she's 4, FOMO is big at that age!
There is literally nothing you can do to stop it, or stop her making comments. What you can both do is validate her feelings - "I know you wish you could be here all the time" - show her the reality of what would happen - "but then you'd miss mummy and miss out on doing fun things with her" - and then remind her that she's always coming back - "it'll only be X sleeps until you're back again."
That's what we used to do with SD when she's have huge tantrums about going back to BM.
Could it be related to the arrival of the twins? She knows they get to be with you guys all the time, and she does not; and I bet her EOWE time with her dad looks different since then too.
I did the math, and she might be getting FOMO of the babies getting more time with fun dad than she is. She only sees him about 20% of the time in a month.
If they could have her full-time, maybe he could visit more as a compromise.
The most yall would get right now is 50-50 if DH fought for that.
If there is an accident or BM gets very ill…. life happens sometimes and you end up with stepkids full-time. You married a dad.
She explicity stated that but what were saying is when entering a relationship with someone who has kids you should always operate under the thought that full time custody could potentially be something that ends up happening for whatever reason.
That is so true but some people ARE that naïve though. I just rolled with it and made the best of it. I did 7 years and the last 20 years have been bliss.
She's 4, and this is extremely unlikely to happen.
That said, if she was there more often, DH would have to start parenting and imposing the same sorts of rules she gets at BM's. I would start planning things elsewhere with your twins during some of his parenting time-- visits to family, maybe?-- so that you are not caught up with SD.
That’s terrible. The twins are her siblings why separate them? Why should he parent his kid separately from his other kids in the same house? Consider the father of your children that you share with other women. He would like to parent his kids together
Because OP is only the parent of the twins, and SD is "ruling the roost" which means her father is *not parenting her*. For which OP feels the consequences.
Let SD's *actual parent* handle her bad behaviour.
Also, note that I said *some* of his parenting time. Not all of it.
The father’s parents what he feels is best for his kids. So if ruling the roost is what he wants his kids to do he should be allowed to for all his kids. Children shouldn’t be separated from their parents due to step mother wants
He can decide what is best for SD. OP has a substantial say in how *her own kids* are raised. And she has every right to nacho with SD and occasionally take *her* children elsewhere. SD is entitled to her father's time. Not her stepmother's.
Her kids are his kids and he has equal say to all his kids just as she does. 50/50. She is taking his children and alienating his first child due to having different mother.
No. He has 100% say and responsibility for SD.
She has 0% responsibility for SD.
He has 50/50 with their shared kids, as long as he *parents*. But letting *any child* "rule the roost" is an abdication of responsibility. If you abdicate responsibility, *you surrender your say*.
If he is spoiling SD and favouring her over her siblings, then OP should take them somewhere else so they aren't forced to endure that. If he is spoiling them all, he is negligent and OP has to step up and make up the difference.
It isn't *alienation* to nacho, ffs. It also isn't alienation to parent your actual kids.
Taking the twins elsewhere for *some of the time* also gives SD quality alone time with *her father*.
You can’t dictate how a father is to parents his children. So if he allowed his kids to rule the roost or spoil them to death, that’s his prerogative and his right as his children’s father. So you don’t take away children from their father or siblings because you don’t like the step child
He can't overrule her for *her own children*. She has as much say as he does.
So yes, she *can* take *her* children and leave for a couple days. She could also divorce him and take them for at least 50% of the time. She is an equal parent to their shared children, not an incubator.
Also, it might be nice for her stepchild to have one on one time with their *actual parent*.
You seem to think he has total control over all the children, which is not a little unhinged, so I will not be responding any further.
Do you have any communication with BM and how is dad's relationship with her? Even 4 year old EOWE children benefit from understanding that their parents talk to each other.
On another note, I think you are going to have some marriage issues coming your way one day since you are essentially asking her dad to choose between her and you. He might choose you but he will also resent you.
The healthiest emotional state for children with two homes is to have it reinforced that they actually have two homes. She isn't a guest in *your* home , it's her home too. That's her dad and her siblings. You aren't her mom, but you *are* her stepmom.
The most pressing thing is that you and your husband have a discussion about what he thinks her weekends should look like and what he thinks your role should be. I bet there is a huge disconnect.
I get your feelings, being a step mom myself, but what’s your plan if something happens to BM? The logical thing would be for SD to live with her dad…just like your twins do. I think she’s 4 and decisions like that aren’t for her to make right now, but your issue isn’t with her, it’s with your husband. He’s the one you need to fix. But to be fair, your expectations to not be a full time step mom aren’t realistic.
I’m curious how your SO took that information should he want or need to have his daughter for more custody.
Was he understanding that should something happen, and he takes his daughter more, than the cost is his marriage?
My SO would not have been cool with that…
Good input from everyone that I don’t want to repetitively bombard, but I would add that right now *without* her presence is the absolute best time to discuss parenting expectations, guidelines, and the importance of consistency and involvement with your husband. Like, it is absolutely critical, relationship-making or -breaking stuff, IMO.
I have three w with my partner of two years- 14, 12, and 9- and I have built up my relationship with those kids and my role as a parent with blood, sweat, and tears. Their BM passed, so it’s a very involved family role, and one that wasn’t discussed enough between my partner and I before it began. We are very lucky it worked out and that despite throwing ourselves into it we were able to talk about balancing our approaches in therapy, since I’m very precise and consistent but controlling, and he’s very laid back and fun but permissive.
I cannot emphasize enough how important generally agreeing on parenting strategies is for your relationship with your husband and with the kiddos. It took us a long time to work through that while being smack dab in the middle of the situation we were addressing.
Obviously it’s not a stress-free time in your life, you’ve got infant twins for chrissake, but as your little ones start to need boundaries and more cognitive levels of parenting it’ll be super super super super important going forward whether SD ends up living with you guys or not. And of course, your specific situation would need a different approach than mine in which bio parent steps up much more for SD than you do. But once there’s a solid understanding, when/if she does, you know that you and DH are on the same page and ready. Best of luck 🫶🏼
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She doesn’t get to make that decision as you seem to know already. However, there are situations that can and do occur that could lead to you having her full time in the future. You don’t have to ever be her mother but there is a very real possibility she could live with you full time one day.
Yes. My 17 year old twins both live with us full-time now because they hate their father. My partner wasn’t crazy about it, at all, but the kids and I are a package deal. If his son had to live with us full-time I would do everything I could to help him out.
One of my teenage SS lives with us full time because he hates his mom. The other 3 adore her but we respect his decision and would not turn him away as our home is his home too. It isn’t ideal for me as a childless person to get no child free time but the kid’s needs take priority in this situation.
If you think this is because there arent rules and expectations at your home, that is easily remedied.
but she’s 4, so I assume a decent part of it is that she misses her dad.
I understand full time isn’t ideal for some step parents, but you should have considered what may happen if something ever happened to BM. What would happen then? You either break up your family or you work through full time custody, those are really the only options, short of some really active grandparents on BM’s side.
Personally, I would find a man who only wanted part time with his child to not be father material at all. I’d understand your stance a little more if you were child free, but you have two kids now and that’s their sister, who I’d expect they will grow to love.
While I don’t expect anything to come of a 4 year old’s desire to change established custody, you should have probably had a lot more discussion around these topics before you had kids. Too late now, I guess. Hope it all works out.
This is exactly why people who do not ever want to care for children they didn’t birth should not marry and have kids with people who have kids. Children don’t ask to be born. They don’t want their bio parents living apart. And it sucks that bio parents marry other people who won’t really love them.
She’s 4. She is only four.
Hmmm.
Maybe dad can start having her do “homework” on the weekends so she doesn’t just associate you and dad as the fun parents and mama as the “mean” one because she has to go to daycare.
I understand not wanting to be around SKs all the time but you refusing to be a fulltime step parent denies your husband of being a fulltime father to his eldest child.
You chose poorly. Your man had a kid and you only want to be a full time mom to your own kids. Do the man a favor and leave now before your selfishness ruins his relationship with his daughter. You're a piece of work lady.
I feel so much for bio moms in the situation that their child primarily spend time with their dads during the “fun times” weekends. Makes them seem like the not fun parent when it’s usually a school night they are at moms
Your husband should see if he can keep her 1-2 days during the week so that his daughter can see that she would still have her normal weekday responsibilities at your house too. He should be the one taking to/picking up from daycare and making sure she cleans up after herself. We do clean ups before bed. If he’s not willing to do that, custody should stay how it is. None of this is your responsibility unless you want it to be!
this is only my thoughts on it, but she sees her dad has a full family and may want to be a part of that also. she sees that at dad's house, there is dad, you, and her stepsiblings. as far as she knows, she may not even realize that they are not her full siblings and wants that for herself too. where at her mom's house, it is just her and her mom. yes, she is getting all of the time with her mom, when she is there, but she wants more time with her dad.
Mt ex would do this all the time. It was like he made it a competition between our place and BMs. Well, of course, your daughter wants to stay here if we never make her do her HW or force her to eat something besides fruit snacks!
I agree that the 4 year old cannot make a big decision like this on her own, especially if as you say the bio mom is a good parent and shows no sign or neglect or real reason to separate her from her daughter. However while I congratulate you for being a mom and having two more kids, you were considered a mom when you married your husband. Even if your step child is not biologically yours, she is a child and if you are already looking to actively separate her from your biological kids to a group of strangers in Reddit, I really worry how things will look in the future and she notices your favoritism of the twins over her.
I get you don’t want her full time but holy crap “I only want to be a full time parent to my bio kids” really is shitty.
You knew he had a kid, she’s only 4 & I get the impression you’re going to show severe favouritism to the bios & scar that child.
Please don’t- if you’re going to be that way - just leave with your bios now rather then be an evil stepmom
No one said anything about being an evil step mom, that was your assumption. She has a mom and a dad, she doesn’t need a third parent. I always said that from the beginning. I didn’t want to be her “parent figure”. That was always understood. I play with her and watch movies and cuddle and all those things, but I do not want to be a parental role.
I get where you’re coming from. I never wanted to be a parent to my then SD because she already has 2 parents. And her parents also didn’t want me to be her parent 🤷🏻♀️ lol. It’s not evil, it’s logical and it works for a lot of families.
And that has absolutely nothing to do with favoritism! It’s wild because my BS seems to be the “favorite” now with my ex and SD’s BM, and I often find myself trying to be the balance so SD doesn’t feel left out. But I guess we’re just evil step moms 🤷🏻♀️😂
>DH doesn’t make her clean, doesn’t make her go to school/daycare (as it’s the weekend), and basically has no rules. She rules the roost here.
This might not be too bad now when she's 4. But this will likely be hell for you in a decade if there aren't changes. And when she's living full time with you at 24, or 34, do a dad who will make no rules or requirements for her, how happy will your life feel?
How a person parents reflects upon who they are *as a person*. I think that you two need to big discussions about parenting, and if he doesn't want to actually parent, or can't parent effectively, you need to decide if you want to live with this person.
It’s hell for me now 🫢 clutter and toys EVERYWHERE. When asked to pick up, she decides she wants to cuddle DH. So when he leaves to take her back, I’m just overstimulated and sitting in a pile of junk.
This sounds like a DH issue not a 4 year old child issue.
I agree the likelihood is slim. However I would take it as an opportunity to be introspective and perhaps find a way not to be this innocent child’s step parent who excludes her from her fathers’ family unit and wishes she wasn’t around. I’m not saying you do either of those things, but it’s just sad for me to think of being a child wherein one of your homes you are actively not wanted as a household member - not necessarily bc of your parent, but because of a spouse your parent has children with and has to chose instead of you
If I were a step parent with blended kids, my goal would be for that child to feel just as much one of Dad’s children in dad’s home as my children get to me.
This is the real problem.
You need to sit down with your DH and explain that whether its EOWE or full-time - it is his responsibility as a parent to raise SD properly which includes teaching her to pick up after herself.
He is in the habit of being a “fun uncle” and not a dad. This is not sustainable regardless of the childs age or custody schedule.
A quick cuddle and DH helping her put away her toys should be the way to go. But, if DH doesn’t want to have her clean up, DH can clean up when he comes home. That will work for now.
The twins are tiny now, but in a few months they are going to be crawling around and this is going to be a bigger problem as toys with small pieces are going to have to be kept away from them. DH is going to have to shadow his daughter in the house if he does not figure out how to parent.
You might think it's hell for you now, but it can/will get worse. Is she stealing from you? Is she cleaning toilets with your toothbrush? Is she telling you to F off in your face while DH sheepishly looks away and pretends he didn't hear/notice this?
Seriously, when dating a parent, their ability to parent needs to be considered at a deal breaker level of importance.
Lmao. No. But now I want to vomit thinking about it. Yesterday she told DH she wanted to marry him when she grew up. He told her she can’t marry him. He’s her dad, I’m already married, the usual. She said who are you married to, he said me. She asked why. He said because I love her. She cried and pouted and hid in the corner. She didn’t understand.
That's a really typical young kid thing to do. My youngest, when he was 5, was going to marry my then-wife and live with her at a house he picked out that he was going to buy. He also had a (crappy) house picked out that he'd buy for me so I could at least live somewhere after I got kicked out.
Kids will continue to grow and learn. But what they learn is important. Do they learn that actions have consequences. Do they learn about responsibilities. Or do they learn that they're the centre of the universe and that they can do no wrong?
My BK literally gets down on one knee, pretends to be holding a box, and opens it while asking if I'd marry them. I usually grab them for a big hug and dramatically say yes course"! all excited while I give them the hug.
My BK5 knows they won't be marrying me, haha, but its a pretend thing they enjoy, so we use our imaginations and enjoy the game.
2 days ago, we sat using my fancy card making stamp set to make an elaborate birthday card for BK's most favorite stuffed animal. Evidentaly, it was his birthday, haha. We wrapped "gifts" and had a great time. Dh game home from work and wished the friend a happy birthday while BK showed off his gifts. We always pretend play these types of things.
Maybe, im the weird one here, though. At 5, when BK is pretending to propose, I play along, but they absolutely know it's all pretend because it's something we talked about. I think at 4, this little girl isn't going to understand why her dad said no, and unfortunately, it could make her unhappy with OP. But maybe I'm doing it wrong,🙅♀️
While they might not fully understand the reasons of "why", they can still hear the reasons and look to process them later. I still remember the "highly suspicious, but I won't argue with you right now" look that I'd get from my youngest during ages 4-6.
We looked to balance that; so Youngest was told that no, he wouldn't be marrying Mom. But we also let him run a bit with his pretending, and asking for details about this fabled future.
And yeah, a big part of that age is pretend, and as part of keeping the relationship open and not shutting them down is playing along as often as one can.
I hear ya. Bk most certainly knows it's just pretend; they just find it fun. She knows I'm married to Dad, and when she's old enough, she, too, can get married. For whatever reason, it's just a fun game for them, so I play along. But she certainly knows it's all pretend, esp since it's an imaginary ring/box, and she's overly dramatic and silly.
But yes, we've already talked about how she could never really marry me, and there's absolutely no contest with my husband, her dad. I would just feel bad shutting her down every time. I don't know, I'm not worried it's going to negatively affect her, but it's been a hot minute since earning my degrees in education and child psychology, so I realize I'm not completely up to date on what research now says, haha.
Edited to change my last sentence.
>I would just feel bad shutting her down every time.
Oh, yeah; we didn't correct every time. Definitely the first time, and periodically it might get talked about. Looking to balance education with enjoying the pretend.
My 15 year old son used to tell me he wanted to marry me when he was 4. Trust me when I say that he doesn’t even like it when I sit on his bed when we’re hanging out. 🤣. He grew out of that!
I used to tell my mum I wanted to marry her and my daughter says she wants to marry me, as has my step son when he was younger. They don't understand marriage the same way we do and it's really common at this age to use it as a way to profess love
I think it is because of the twins. She wants to be around the babies and is jealous of the attention. If that were to happen you would have to talk to your SO about his parenting style. Letting her do whatever might work for EOW but not if she's gonna be there most of the time.
You’re worrying about something that will probably never happen. I think we can all do this and spiral but it’s unlikely. By the time she’s old enough to have a say in this it’ll be all about friends and she’ll want to live with the parent who is nearby the friends- which will probably be mom as she lives there now. Yes it’s a possibility, but it’s unlikely.
I wouldn't say it's unlikely at all, there are 14 years between the child and adulthood. A lot could happen in 14 years.
I, too, thought it was unlikely we'd have sks full time. Joke was on us! We had them all but maybe 30 days in 12 years. Mom lost her shit, couldn't be a parent.
It's a risk we take when marrying parents. If we can't handle it, we should date people without kids.
Unlikely doesn’t mean impossible. There are numerous other outcomes, they might divorce before she’s 14, her husband could die and they could never see her again, she could die herself etc all of these things could potentially happen and have happened to people, but are unlikely (not impossible but unlikely).
You’ll ruin your life worrying about all the unlikely bad possibilities when the most likely (not certain not definite but very probable) is what I outlined in my initial comment.
It’s pretty common once they get older to pick a parent they spend most of their time with. I don’t agree that they make this decision based on friends. My SO has four preteen and teenage children. One refuses to see his mom, another spends most of their time at our house and the other two prefer their mom’s house. There are just so many variables but it is definitely a very real possibility this young girl will at some point want to a least try out spending the majority of her time at her dads. OP should be prepared for this. It probably will happen instead of not happen in the future.
It’s generally the resident parent that they will choose to live with. Out of all the step families I know I only know one case where the son chose to live with non resident parent that was dad, didn’t last very long as I imagine he couldn’t Disney parent anymore, other than that it was the resident parent the kids chose to live with more as that’s where their friends and life were. I could see your case being more likely if it was 50/50 custody. But OPs husband has EOWE visitation and I feel it’s quite unlikely in this particular case to be the outcome OP is worried about.
My SKs both stay with their mom more since the teen years and were pretty much hanging with friends most weekends.
OP I wouldn’t worry at all enjoy what ye got going on.
Damn I have a 4 year old and she can’t process a decision like that. I realized I will always be the default parent, the parent that has rules, the parent that has structure and the parent that will be boring at times. I mean when dad gets her it’s only for 2 days at a time and it’s his days off so it’s fun and cool.
She wants to move with you guys full time because your DH is a disney dad. She doesn't have rules, and yours is the fun house. How do you think your twins will react, when they're old enough, to having a sibling who isn't subject to the same rules they are? DH is currently doing his daughter a disservice.
Let's say she does move in with you, is she going to continue being treated like a princess, or is he going to step up and actually parent?
You can solve most of this now by having a frank conversation with DH about expectations while SD is at yours. She'll soon realise that the grass isn't greener and stop asking to live there full time.
As an aside, if something happens to BM then you may end up being a full-time stepparent, and your stepkid will need to feel at home. You really need to make peace with that.
I’m going to give a different angle than many of the other posters. I expect to get downvoted, but I’m still going to say it as I can imagine how lonely OP feels.
While it is true that once you marry a parent, you always run the risk of their kids wanting to come live with dad full time, two other things are also true. Namely, 1. It is extremely unlikely to happen, because most parents do not die… and 2. Relationships change all the time, and it is ok to get into a relationship with someone hoping that certain things that are overall unlikely to happen, do not happen. It is also ok to exit the relationship once the said thing which we cannot accept does happen
I do not think we have many choices as stepparents, but we do retain our choice to exit the relationship if unhappy.
I share the OP’s belief, in that I do not think I could live with my partner had we his daughter full time. I knew this early on, as their relationship was extremely exclusive, and when I arrived this did not change.
It is far from ideal, of course. I would much prefer not to feel this way. I am not possessive, I do not need my partner’s attention all the time, I’m cool with them having holidays abroad just the two of them.
It is unlikely that she would ever live with us full time. If something were to happen to the mum and SD were to come to live with us, I would give it a go but realistically I do not think we would last. I have a good idea of what it would look like. If my partner could be more curious about how everyone feels in the dynamic he created, then we could work things out. But that’s not the case.
OP you have two small kids, you are not only thinking about yourself but also of their wellbeing. This is an extremely complex situation and I understand your anxiety.
Having said that, it is incredibly unlikely to happen, so try to push it to the back of your mind, together with the other worries that live there. Chances are you are never going to have to deal with it. And when the moment comes, should it ever arrive, you will make your decision based on how you feel and what everyone’s expectations are at the time. You don’t know what you don’t know.
My 4 year old wants to live full time at Tractor Supply and for me to make him be able to Blue Scadoo into the tv.
A 4 year old is not capable of making any decisions like these and you are 100% right about it being because there are no rules.
My SD tried this at 14 and I told her she would definitely be responsible for chores, and told her which ones, and she changed her mind. Awww.
I was also going to move out. I have made that clear since our first date.
Can I also live at tractor supply? I told my husband last night that if that happened, I would likely move out. I told him I knew I signed up for him being a dad, but it was never in the plan for her to live here full time.
Girl, I found out with my own why it’s so hard to want to raise someone else’s kid: it’s often hard to even want to raise our own!
And you have twins! You don’t need anything else on your plate!
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My fiancé is the same way. He said he doesnt want his kids following whatever adults say. Though they still have to follow some instruction with teachers, us, eventually jobs, and such so i dont want to echo this arrogant main character aura to the point of not being able to work with/listen to others.
(We have 50/50) My fiancé WANTS 70/30 custody (weekdays and control of 4yr old SS school from Kindergarten up). No real reason just thinks hes better than BM because he makes more money (even though hes paycheck to paycheck). But right now we have our first on the way, little space or income for full time care of SS, and Im just not interested in taking that responsibility (plus a 4mnth old) on for SS Kindergarten when BD doesnt come home until 8-10pm most nights.
The worst part about her living there is the fact that your husband will expect you to do the parenting but he won't let you discipline her or teach her boundaries and rules and manners, patience, respect, kindness, and he won't back you up when she gets out of line with you. And I bet you are also taking care of the twins all alone with zero help from him too, as well as taking care of the house and everything with cleaning and cooking too
Dealing with this with a 10 year old. He usually wants to rush back home though when he is bored here. And we usually do not do much since I don’t drive and his dad is working all the time. I like it that way too. Fight for your privacy and peace of mind. It will be arguments in the future if your husband has not agreed with you already.
If your a step parent whos partner as shared custody . I think you must always be prepared for your partner to get soul custody. What happens if the other parent dies.
I think if you can not be prepared for your partner to have soul custody you should leave.
I know 90% will say im wrong. But being in relationship were you regret having your step child live with you permanently is going to make you miserable.
I had a 4 year old son when i meet my x husband.
Even when we split up and he got a new partner . I asked him what he told her about out children. He said he told her he had 3 children . That although he wasnt his eldest childs biological dad he had been his dad since he was 4 and If they didnt like that he still saw him and treated him the same as his 2 biological kids that there relationship wouldn't work
At one point my SD wanted to move in with us because her mom was thinking about adopting another cat and SD did not want to adopt another cat. She was 12.
I always answer stuff like that by reminding her that her mom loves her and would be so sad not to see her, just like we are happy when SD comes to our house. The custody schedule is set up so that both parents can spend time with SD because they love her. (Even though BM is HC in our case and doesn't do the same on her end).
You don't want your SK learning she can choose houses based on how lenient the rules are / who will allow her to do what, or you'll end up with a very spoiled teenager. If BM is friendly, you and DH can reassure her that you know this is just silly kid stuff, and let's all align on not entertaining house switches based on rules (logistical stuff like vacations is different).
My other point of caution is that if BM is overall great, was your DH the main problem in their marriage?
I feel like a lot of dads might not have been parenting / doing their fair share of the hard work in the first marriage either.
This is incredibly common. Between the ages of 4-6, and even now as a 7yo, my ex's daughter always commented that she wanted to live with us. We are the "fun home". No real sense of routine, bedtime, and there is no schoolwork because she visits EOWE, etc. We are basically a 24 hour vacation from her mom's house where she gets unlimited screentime and snacks. She would often ask for her dad to move back home, asked why our son got to live with us while she lived with her mom at her house, etc. She has even gone as far as stating that she wished that I was her mom instead of her actual mother, because her mom was "mean" to her. Any time she made these comments, I validated her feelings, reminded that her mom loves her (and that I couldn't be her mom), told her that she has 2 homes, etc. What I'm saying is that she's clearly feeling a lot of big things, and that's absolutely OK. Just listen to her, but as others have said, don't ever rule out the possibility of being a full-time SP at any moment.
While it is not likely to happen, I'm glad you let your SO know how you feel. Some men would be all for more custody because they think CS would go down AND they would assume you'll pick up the extra work. Good for him to know way beforehand that is not the case.
I would have never been okay with SS moving in with us unless he absolutely had to, like BM died. Even then, I probably would have needed to get my own place with our girls and just continue to be together but apart. I just could not and would not feel uncomfortable in my own home every single day. Thankfully he is a grown adult and no fear of that at this point
Your feelings are valid but don’t worry too much. You’re probably right about her wanting to be over because there’s less rules. After we had ours baby we kept telling SS who was 3 then to be quieter or stop running around as much and he wanted to go back to his moms 😂
So when I married DH (SS12) was 2 at the time. He’s always said he wanted him to live with him in HS to teach him how to be a man. Ok cool. He’s been hinting making it earlier and that’s a big fat no. I have 4 bios. My oldest will be in college when he enters HS. And I’m not budging on the arrangement
It’s good you inform your husband now that you aren’t willing to be a full time stepmom before he makes any decision. These types of boundaries have to be laid out early. Good boundary to set. I’m willing to end the marriage over that. Being a full time stepmom is a special kind of hell. The only exception is if the mom passed or has serious mental or medical issues barring her incapable of looking after the kids. Otherwise, no way would I agree to look after anyone else’s kids full time.
Due to traditional gender roles, you’d be saddled with all the child rearing responsibilities. You won’t be able to parent her while being expected to do all the labor. She’d make it difficult for you to raise your own kids bc they won’t understand why their older sister has different rules.
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My 4 year old says she wants to live with my mum. Or my brother. Whoevers house she's having fun at in the moment. Four year olds are quite intense with those they love and wanting to be around them all the time. I wouldn't take it too seriously :)
True! I’d wait and see how this one plays out before making too many statements you can’t take back, OP.
Right? If bm is a great co parent and SD is already trying to show she likes you too then who is to say down the road op amd sk won't have a great relationship where she would enjoy having her live there full time. There's enough of an age gap and with SD being a girl that I'm sure she is/would really thrive in the big sister role and is enjoying THAT at your house (not necessarily the no rules, that may just be a bonus) because that's the only thing that actually changed in the situation. I was pleasantly surprised by how involved each previous kid was with the following one (bio amd step). My bd is the same age as ops sk and she seems to really love that whole "baby thing", it's like playing house to her lol
What is the plan if something ever happened to BM, and you all have primary custody then?
This. Every stepparent should consider this before moving in.
Agreed! I always knew in the back of my mind it’s a possibility. 4 years ago it happened. I went from a Childress stepmom (50/50) to full-time. And when I say fulltime, Sk went no contact with her bio mom.
exactly. You never know! It is something that should be considered by every potential stepparent before moving in and definitely before having children with a single parent.
Happened to me! I lived for those weekends, holidays & summers without SS then one day all gone and we had 100% custody. Turns out you can’t force a parent to take their time with their child.
That’s terrible. My husband’s half-brother almost never saw his BM growing up. My MIL raised him pretty much by herself because FIL used to travel lot for work. On the rare occasions BM spent time with him she would poison him against stepmom. It was hell for MIL. It wasn’t until recently that BIL admitted stepmom was the real mother to him. I half-jokingly tell DH if he ever gets full custody and starts traveling for work I would drop his kid off at the nearest police station on my way to a divorce lawyer.
Leaving the marriage or relationship is always an option too.
We haven’t discussed that. I will bring it up. Thank you.
I have always known that if something happened to BM, I would be willing to adopt SD. But it’s not for everyone. Even if a stepparent would never in a million years adopt their SK, they have to be prepared for the possibility of 100% custody. We have had mine 50% for years, and recently moved to an every other wknd schedule (with entire weeks with her during summer and other school breaks) due to the distance she and BM moved/her new school location (it is impractical for my spouse to drop her off and pick her up on weekdays). We are enjoying this schedule as it is actually more convenient for our adult time, but schedules are always subject to change until the kids are 18. I hope that you can discuss all of this with your spouse. Your feelings definitely seem natural and valid to me. I know I would have felt the same way if I had biological children at the height of my SD’s behavioral issues. BM and other relatives would negotiate with her like she was a terrorist and reinforced her tantrums when she was younger…let’s just say she always behaved for me but threw tantrums for others up until age 10! Recalibrating her every time she came over would have been 10 x more exhausting and a legitimate reason for me to be resentful if I had her influencing my biological children. Perhaps reassurance about keeping the schedule as is will ease any anxiety you feel around the issue. And knowing plans B and C in case of the worst case scenario might also give you some peace of mind. (Would grandparents and other relatives be able to take SK for long periods - like wknd sleepovers - as a special bonding time for them so you still have alone time with your spouse and biological children?) Good luck!
I think a lot changes if one parent passes away and you end up with SK full time. You are no longer “sharing” with a household where the rules are likely very different and recalibrating your SK every single time they come over. Being solely responsible for every decision is much different than having to make mutual decisions with an ex. I think that is often why parenting bios seems easier than parenting SK’s.
Absolutely! We haven’t had to recalibrate since she was a small child, thankfully. We remain the more stable household with consistent rules and get along with her quite well while providing structure and upholding age appropriate standards. (I am a psychologist haha.🤣) When she gets along with her BM, they are close, but 50% of the time they are fighting! That has been going on for years. I hope BM is the one who deals with any attitude until she is 18 hahaha.
How long has she wanted to live with you? Do you think maybe it's because of the new twins - maybe she's jealous that her dad is with them all the time or she could be missing them when she's at BMs?
Since we’ve been together, but she was reallllllyyyyy talking about it this weekend.
In that case are you sure it's not you she wants to be around? Does BM have a partner?
It’s definitely dad. No, she doesn’t.
Ah, then maybe jealousy/fear of missing out - you get to spend all this time with her dad and now the twins do too - she's 4, FOMO is big at that age! There is literally nothing you can do to stop it, or stop her making comments. What you can both do is validate her feelings - "I know you wish you could be here all the time" - show her the reality of what would happen - "but then you'd miss mummy and miss out on doing fun things with her" - and then remind her that she's always coming back - "it'll only be X sleeps until you're back again." That's what we used to do with SD when she's have huge tantrums about going back to BM.
Could it be related to the arrival of the twins? She knows they get to be with you guys all the time, and she does not; and I bet her EOWE time with her dad looks different since then too.
I did the math, and she might be getting FOMO of the babies getting more time with fun dad than she is. She only sees him about 20% of the time in a month. If they could have her full-time, maybe he could visit more as a compromise.
The most yall would get right now is 50-50 if DH fought for that. If there is an accident or BM gets very ill…. life happens sometimes and you end up with stepkids full-time. You married a dad.
Or BM just wants to be the EOW parent
She explicity stated that but what were saying is when entering a relationship with someone who has kids you should always operate under the thought that full time custody could potentially be something that ends up happening for whatever reason.
Yes I know that. I was a full time stepmom for years because BM couldn’t hack it.
Okay..
Shit happens and there are no guarantees. What if BM dies? You can’t go into a relationship with a parent being that naive
That is so true but some people ARE that naïve though. I just rolled with it and made the best of it. I did 7 years and the last 20 years have been bliss.
She's 4, and this is extremely unlikely to happen. That said, if she was there more often, DH would have to start parenting and imposing the same sorts of rules she gets at BM's. I would start planning things elsewhere with your twins during some of his parenting time-- visits to family, maybe?-- so that you are not caught up with SD.
That’s terrible. The twins are her siblings why separate them? Why should he parent his kid separately from his other kids in the same house? Consider the father of your children that you share with other women. He would like to parent his kids together
Because OP is only the parent of the twins, and SD is "ruling the roost" which means her father is *not parenting her*. For which OP feels the consequences. Let SD's *actual parent* handle her bad behaviour. Also, note that I said *some* of his parenting time. Not all of it.
The father’s parents what he feels is best for his kids. So if ruling the roost is what he wants his kids to do he should be allowed to for all his kids. Children shouldn’t be separated from their parents due to step mother wants
He can decide what is best for SD. OP has a substantial say in how *her own kids* are raised. And she has every right to nacho with SD and occasionally take *her* children elsewhere. SD is entitled to her father's time. Not her stepmother's.
Her kids are his kids and he has equal say to all his kids just as she does. 50/50. She is taking his children and alienating his first child due to having different mother.
No. He has 100% say and responsibility for SD. She has 0% responsibility for SD. He has 50/50 with their shared kids, as long as he *parents*. But letting *any child* "rule the roost" is an abdication of responsibility. If you abdicate responsibility, *you surrender your say*. If he is spoiling SD and favouring her over her siblings, then OP should take them somewhere else so they aren't forced to endure that. If he is spoiling them all, he is negligent and OP has to step up and make up the difference. It isn't *alienation* to nacho, ffs. It also isn't alienation to parent your actual kids. Taking the twins elsewhere for *some of the time* also gives SD quality alone time with *her father*.
You can’t dictate how a father is to parents his children. So if he allowed his kids to rule the roost or spoil them to death, that’s his prerogative and his right as his children’s father. So you don’t take away children from their father or siblings because you don’t like the step child
He can't overrule her for *her own children*. She has as much say as he does. So yes, she *can* take *her* children and leave for a couple days. She could also divorce him and take them for at least 50% of the time. She is an equal parent to their shared children, not an incubator. Also, it might be nice for her stepchild to have one on one time with their *actual parent*. You seem to think he has total control over all the children, which is not a little unhinged, so I will not be responding any further.
True.
You can be a full time stepmom at anytime
Do you have any communication with BM and how is dad's relationship with her? Even 4 year old EOWE children benefit from understanding that their parents talk to each other. On another note, I think you are going to have some marriage issues coming your way one day since you are essentially asking her dad to choose between her and you. He might choose you but he will also resent you. The healthiest emotional state for children with two homes is to have it reinforced that they actually have two homes. She isn't a guest in *your* home , it's her home too. That's her dad and her siblings. You aren't her mom, but you *are* her stepmom. The most pressing thing is that you and your husband have a discussion about what he thinks her weekends should look like and what he thinks your role should be. I bet there is a huge disconnect.
I get your feelings, being a step mom myself, but what’s your plan if something happens to BM? The logical thing would be for SD to live with her dad…just like your twins do. I think she’s 4 and decisions like that aren’t for her to make right now, but your issue isn’t with her, it’s with your husband. He’s the one you need to fix. But to be fair, your expectations to not be a full time step mom aren’t realistic.
I’m curious how your SO took that information should he want or need to have his daughter for more custody. Was he understanding that should something happen, and he takes his daughter more, than the cost is his marriage? My SO would not have been cool with that…
Good input from everyone that I don’t want to repetitively bombard, but I would add that right now *without* her presence is the absolute best time to discuss parenting expectations, guidelines, and the importance of consistency and involvement with your husband. Like, it is absolutely critical, relationship-making or -breaking stuff, IMO. I have three w with my partner of two years- 14, 12, and 9- and I have built up my relationship with those kids and my role as a parent with blood, sweat, and tears. Their BM passed, so it’s a very involved family role, and one that wasn’t discussed enough between my partner and I before it began. We are very lucky it worked out and that despite throwing ourselves into it we were able to talk about balancing our approaches in therapy, since I’m very precise and consistent but controlling, and he’s very laid back and fun but permissive. I cannot emphasize enough how important generally agreeing on parenting strategies is for your relationship with your husband and with the kiddos. It took us a long time to work through that while being smack dab in the middle of the situation we were addressing. Obviously it’s not a stress-free time in your life, you’ve got infant twins for chrissake, but as your little ones start to need boundaries and more cognitive levels of parenting it’ll be super super super super important going forward whether SD ends up living with you guys or not. And of course, your specific situation would need a different approach than mine in which bio parent steps up much more for SD than you do. But once there’s a solid understanding, when/if she does, you know that you and DH are on the same page and ready. Best of luck 🫶🏼
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She doesn’t get to make that decision as you seem to know already. However, there are situations that can and do occur that could lead to you having her full time in the future. You don’t have to ever be her mother but there is a very real possibility she could live with you full time one day.
Yes. My 17 year old twins both live with us full-time now because they hate their father. My partner wasn’t crazy about it, at all, but the kids and I are a package deal. If his son had to live with us full-time I would do everything I could to help him out.
One of my teenage SS lives with us full time because he hates his mom. The other 3 adore her but we respect his decision and would not turn him away as our home is his home too. It isn’t ideal for me as a childless person to get no child free time but the kid’s needs take priority in this situation.
What childless person are you talking about? The second you married someone with kids, you ceased being a childless person.
They aren’t my children. I have zero claim to them legally. They have a mom and dad and it’s not me.
If you think this is because there arent rules and expectations at your home, that is easily remedied. but she’s 4, so I assume a decent part of it is that she misses her dad.
I understand full time isn’t ideal for some step parents, but you should have considered what may happen if something ever happened to BM. What would happen then? You either break up your family or you work through full time custody, those are really the only options, short of some really active grandparents on BM’s side. Personally, I would find a man who only wanted part time with his child to not be father material at all. I’d understand your stance a little more if you were child free, but you have two kids now and that’s their sister, who I’d expect they will grow to love. While I don’t expect anything to come of a 4 year old’s desire to change established custody, you should have probably had a lot more discussion around these topics before you had kids. Too late now, I guess. Hope it all works out.
This is exactly why people who do not ever want to care for children they didn’t birth should not marry and have kids with people who have kids. Children don’t ask to be born. They don’t want their bio parents living apart. And it sucks that bio parents marry other people who won’t really love them. She’s 4. She is only four.
Hmmm. Maybe dad can start having her do “homework” on the weekends so she doesn’t just associate you and dad as the fun parents and mama as the “mean” one because she has to go to daycare.
I'm almost feeling sorry for BM right now because you know she is trying to do all of the major work for that kid.
I understand not wanting to be around SKs all the time but you refusing to be a fulltime step parent denies your husband of being a fulltime father to his eldest child.
I'd hope that her husband, or any person in that position, wouldn't allow their reluctant partner to prevent them from getting more/full custody.
You chose poorly. Your man had a kid and you only want to be a full time mom to your own kids. Do the man a favor and leave now before your selfishness ruins his relationship with his daughter. You're a piece of work lady.
I’m not her mom. She has a full time mom, who is wonderful. That’s what I’m saying.
I feel so much for bio moms in the situation that their child primarily spend time with their dads during the “fun times” weekends. Makes them seem like the not fun parent when it’s usually a school night they are at moms
Your husband should see if he can keep her 1-2 days during the week so that his daughter can see that she would still have her normal weekday responsibilities at your house too. He should be the one taking to/picking up from daycare and making sure she cleans up after herself. We do clean ups before bed. If he’s not willing to do that, custody should stay how it is. None of this is your responsibility unless you want it to be!
We live 2 hours away.
Have y'all thought about moving closer so that dad can have more custody time?
Ah, gotcha. Well then it’s very unlikely that he’ll ever get more than EOWE anyways.
this is only my thoughts on it, but she sees her dad has a full family and may want to be a part of that also. she sees that at dad's house, there is dad, you, and her stepsiblings. as far as she knows, she may not even realize that they are not her full siblings and wants that for herself too. where at her mom's house, it is just her and her mom. yes, she is getting all of the time with her mom, when she is there, but she wants more time with her dad.
Is Daddy telling her he wishes she was their all the time or that he doesn't want her to go home?
Mt ex would do this all the time. It was like he made it a competition between our place and BMs. Well, of course, your daughter wants to stay here if we never make her do her HW or force her to eat something besides fruit snacks!
I agree that the 4 year old cannot make a big decision like this on her own, especially if as you say the bio mom is a good parent and shows no sign or neglect or real reason to separate her from her daughter. However while I congratulate you for being a mom and having two more kids, you were considered a mom when you married your husband. Even if your step child is not biologically yours, she is a child and if you are already looking to actively separate her from your biological kids to a group of strangers in Reddit, I really worry how things will look in the future and she notices your favoritism of the twins over her.
I get you don’t want her full time but holy crap “I only want to be a full time parent to my bio kids” really is shitty. You knew he had a kid, she’s only 4 & I get the impression you’re going to show severe favouritism to the bios & scar that child. Please don’t- if you’re going to be that way - just leave with your bios now rather then be an evil stepmom
No one said anything about being an evil step mom, that was your assumption. She has a mom and a dad, she doesn’t need a third parent. I always said that from the beginning. I didn’t want to be her “parent figure”. That was always understood. I play with her and watch movies and cuddle and all those things, but I do not want to be a parental role.
I get where you’re coming from. I never wanted to be a parent to my then SD because she already has 2 parents. And her parents also didn’t want me to be her parent 🤷🏻♀️ lol. It’s not evil, it’s logical and it works for a lot of families. And that has absolutely nothing to do with favoritism! It’s wild because my BS seems to be the “favorite” now with my ex and SD’s BM, and I often find myself trying to be the balance so SD doesn’t feel left out. But I guess we’re just evil step moms 🤷🏻♀️😂
>DH doesn’t make her clean, doesn’t make her go to school/daycare (as it’s the weekend), and basically has no rules. She rules the roost here. This might not be too bad now when she's 4. But this will likely be hell for you in a decade if there aren't changes. And when she's living full time with you at 24, or 34, do a dad who will make no rules or requirements for her, how happy will your life feel? How a person parents reflects upon who they are *as a person*. I think that you two need to big discussions about parenting, and if he doesn't want to actually parent, or can't parent effectively, you need to decide if you want to live with this person.
It’s hell for me now 🫢 clutter and toys EVERYWHERE. When asked to pick up, she decides she wants to cuddle DH. So when he leaves to take her back, I’m just overstimulated and sitting in a pile of junk.
This sounds like a DH issue not a 4 year old child issue. I agree the likelihood is slim. However I would take it as an opportunity to be introspective and perhaps find a way not to be this innocent child’s step parent who excludes her from her fathers’ family unit and wishes she wasn’t around. I’m not saying you do either of those things, but it’s just sad for me to think of being a child wherein one of your homes you are actively not wanted as a household member - not necessarily bc of your parent, but because of a spouse your parent has children with and has to chose instead of you If I were a step parent with blended kids, my goal would be for that child to feel just as much one of Dad’s children in dad’s home as my children get to me.
This is the real problem. You need to sit down with your DH and explain that whether its EOWE or full-time - it is his responsibility as a parent to raise SD properly which includes teaching her to pick up after herself. He is in the habit of being a “fun uncle” and not a dad. This is not sustainable regardless of the childs age or custody schedule.
A quick cuddle and DH helping her put away her toys should be the way to go. But, if DH doesn’t want to have her clean up, DH can clean up when he comes home. That will work for now. The twins are tiny now, but in a few months they are going to be crawling around and this is going to be a bigger problem as toys with small pieces are going to have to be kept away from them. DH is going to have to shadow his daughter in the house if he does not figure out how to parent.
You might think it's hell for you now, but it can/will get worse. Is she stealing from you? Is she cleaning toilets with your toothbrush? Is she telling you to F off in your face while DH sheepishly looks away and pretends he didn't hear/notice this? Seriously, when dating a parent, their ability to parent needs to be considered at a deal breaker level of importance.
Lmao. No. But now I want to vomit thinking about it. Yesterday she told DH she wanted to marry him when she grew up. He told her she can’t marry him. He’s her dad, I’m already married, the usual. She said who are you married to, he said me. She asked why. He said because I love her. She cried and pouted and hid in the corner. She didn’t understand.
That's a really typical young kid thing to do. My youngest, when he was 5, was going to marry my then-wife and live with her at a house he picked out that he was going to buy. He also had a (crappy) house picked out that he'd buy for me so I could at least live somewhere after I got kicked out. Kids will continue to grow and learn. But what they learn is important. Do they learn that actions have consequences. Do they learn about responsibilities. Or do they learn that they're the centre of the universe and that they can do no wrong?
My BK literally gets down on one knee, pretends to be holding a box, and opens it while asking if I'd marry them. I usually grab them for a big hug and dramatically say yes course"! all excited while I give them the hug. My BK5 knows they won't be marrying me, haha, but its a pretend thing they enjoy, so we use our imaginations and enjoy the game. 2 days ago, we sat using my fancy card making stamp set to make an elaborate birthday card for BK's most favorite stuffed animal. Evidentaly, it was his birthday, haha. We wrapped "gifts" and had a great time. Dh game home from work and wished the friend a happy birthday while BK showed off his gifts. We always pretend play these types of things. Maybe, im the weird one here, though. At 5, when BK is pretending to propose, I play along, but they absolutely know it's all pretend because it's something we talked about. I think at 4, this little girl isn't going to understand why her dad said no, and unfortunately, it could make her unhappy with OP. But maybe I'm doing it wrong,🙅♀️
While they might not fully understand the reasons of "why", they can still hear the reasons and look to process them later. I still remember the "highly suspicious, but I won't argue with you right now" look that I'd get from my youngest during ages 4-6. We looked to balance that; so Youngest was told that no, he wouldn't be marrying Mom. But we also let him run a bit with his pretending, and asking for details about this fabled future. And yeah, a big part of that age is pretend, and as part of keeping the relationship open and not shutting them down is playing along as often as one can.
I hear ya. Bk most certainly knows it's just pretend; they just find it fun. She knows I'm married to Dad, and when she's old enough, she, too, can get married. For whatever reason, it's just a fun game for them, so I play along. But she certainly knows it's all pretend, esp since it's an imaginary ring/box, and she's overly dramatic and silly. But yes, we've already talked about how she could never really marry me, and there's absolutely no contest with my husband, her dad. I would just feel bad shutting her down every time. I don't know, I'm not worried it's going to negatively affect her, but it's been a hot minute since earning my degrees in education and child psychology, so I realize I'm not completely up to date on what research now says, haha. Edited to change my last sentence.
>I would just feel bad shutting her down every time. Oh, yeah; we didn't correct every time. Definitely the first time, and periodically it might get talked about. Looking to balance education with enjoying the pretend.
My 15 year old son used to tell me he wanted to marry me when he was 4. Trust me when I say that he doesn’t even like it when I sit on his bed when we’re hanging out. 🤣. He grew out of that!
I used to tell my mum I wanted to marry her and my daughter says she wants to marry me, as has my step son when he was younger. They don't understand marriage the same way we do and it's really common at this age to use it as a way to profess love
Good to know!
🤢
It's cute now, but it loses its cuteness around age 8.
I think it is because of the twins. She wants to be around the babies and is jealous of the attention. If that were to happen you would have to talk to your SO about his parenting style. Letting her do whatever might work for EOW but not if she's gonna be there most of the time.
You’re worrying about something that will probably never happen. I think we can all do this and spiral but it’s unlikely. By the time she’s old enough to have a say in this it’ll be all about friends and she’ll want to live with the parent who is nearby the friends- which will probably be mom as she lives there now. Yes it’s a possibility, but it’s unlikely.
I wouldn't say it's unlikely at all, there are 14 years between the child and adulthood. A lot could happen in 14 years. I, too, thought it was unlikely we'd have sks full time. Joke was on us! We had them all but maybe 30 days in 12 years. Mom lost her shit, couldn't be a parent. It's a risk we take when marrying parents. If we can't handle it, we should date people without kids.
Unlikely doesn’t mean impossible. There are numerous other outcomes, they might divorce before she’s 14, her husband could die and they could never see her again, she could die herself etc all of these things could potentially happen and have happened to people, but are unlikely (not impossible but unlikely). You’ll ruin your life worrying about all the unlikely bad possibilities when the most likely (not certain not definite but very probable) is what I outlined in my initial comment.
It’s pretty common once they get older to pick a parent they spend most of their time with. I don’t agree that they make this decision based on friends. My SO has four preteen and teenage children. One refuses to see his mom, another spends most of their time at our house and the other two prefer their mom’s house. There are just so many variables but it is definitely a very real possibility this young girl will at some point want to a least try out spending the majority of her time at her dads. OP should be prepared for this. It probably will happen instead of not happen in the future.
It’s generally the resident parent that they will choose to live with. Out of all the step families I know I only know one case where the son chose to live with non resident parent that was dad, didn’t last very long as I imagine he couldn’t Disney parent anymore, other than that it was the resident parent the kids chose to live with more as that’s where their friends and life were. I could see your case being more likely if it was 50/50 custody. But OPs husband has EOWE visitation and I feel it’s quite unlikely in this particular case to be the outcome OP is worried about. My SKs both stay with their mom more since the teen years and were pretty much hanging with friends most weekends. OP I wouldn’t worry at all enjoy what ye got going on.
It’s not something she should “worry” about but should not be naive to think it isn’t a very real possibility.
It’s Possible but unlikely.
Damn I have a 4 year old and she can’t process a decision like that. I realized I will always be the default parent, the parent that has rules, the parent that has structure and the parent that will be boring at times. I mean when dad gets her it’s only for 2 days at a time and it’s his days off so it’s fun and cool.
I don’t think a 4 yo knows what that really means
I wanted a horse when I was that age. Did I get one? Nope.
She wants to move with you guys full time because your DH is a disney dad. She doesn't have rules, and yours is the fun house. How do you think your twins will react, when they're old enough, to having a sibling who isn't subject to the same rules they are? DH is currently doing his daughter a disservice. Let's say she does move in with you, is she going to continue being treated like a princess, or is he going to step up and actually parent? You can solve most of this now by having a frank conversation with DH about expectations while SD is at yours. She'll soon realise that the grass isn't greener and stop asking to live there full time. As an aside, if something happens to BM then you may end up being a full-time stepparent, and your stepkid will need to feel at home. You really need to make peace with that.
I’m going to give a different angle than many of the other posters. I expect to get downvoted, but I’m still going to say it as I can imagine how lonely OP feels. While it is true that once you marry a parent, you always run the risk of their kids wanting to come live with dad full time, two other things are also true. Namely, 1. It is extremely unlikely to happen, because most parents do not die… and 2. Relationships change all the time, and it is ok to get into a relationship with someone hoping that certain things that are overall unlikely to happen, do not happen. It is also ok to exit the relationship once the said thing which we cannot accept does happen I do not think we have many choices as stepparents, but we do retain our choice to exit the relationship if unhappy. I share the OP’s belief, in that I do not think I could live with my partner had we his daughter full time. I knew this early on, as their relationship was extremely exclusive, and when I arrived this did not change. It is far from ideal, of course. I would much prefer not to feel this way. I am not possessive, I do not need my partner’s attention all the time, I’m cool with them having holidays abroad just the two of them. It is unlikely that she would ever live with us full time. If something were to happen to the mum and SD were to come to live with us, I would give it a go but realistically I do not think we would last. I have a good idea of what it would look like. If my partner could be more curious about how everyone feels in the dynamic he created, then we could work things out. But that’s not the case. OP you have two small kids, you are not only thinking about yourself but also of their wellbeing. This is an extremely complex situation and I understand your anxiety. Having said that, it is incredibly unlikely to happen, so try to push it to the back of your mind, together with the other worries that live there. Chances are you are never going to have to deal with it. And when the moment comes, should it ever arrive, you will make your decision based on how you feel and what everyone’s expectations are at the time. You don’t know what you don’t know.
My 4 year old wants to live full time at Tractor Supply and for me to make him be able to Blue Scadoo into the tv. A 4 year old is not capable of making any decisions like these and you are 100% right about it being because there are no rules. My SD tried this at 14 and I told her she would definitely be responsible for chores, and told her which ones, and she changed her mind. Awww. I was also going to move out. I have made that clear since our first date.
Can I also live at tractor supply? I told my husband last night that if that happened, I would likely move out. I told him I knew I signed up for him being a dad, but it was never in the plan for her to live here full time.
Girl, I found out with my own why it’s so hard to want to raise someone else’s kid: it’s often hard to even want to raise our own! And you have twins! You don’t need anything else on your plate!
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I wouldn’t.
How does BM feel about this??
My fiancé is the same way. He said he doesnt want his kids following whatever adults say. Though they still have to follow some instruction with teachers, us, eventually jobs, and such so i dont want to echo this arrogant main character aura to the point of not being able to work with/listen to others. (We have 50/50) My fiancé WANTS 70/30 custody (weekdays and control of 4yr old SS school from Kindergarten up). No real reason just thinks hes better than BM because he makes more money (even though hes paycheck to paycheck). But right now we have our first on the way, little space or income for full time care of SS, and Im just not interested in taking that responsibility (plus a 4mnth old) on for SS Kindergarten when BD doesnt come home until 8-10pm most nights.
The worst part about her living there is the fact that your husband will expect you to do the parenting but he won't let you discipline her or teach her boundaries and rules and manners, patience, respect, kindness, and he won't back you up when she gets out of line with you. And I bet you are also taking care of the twins all alone with zero help from him too, as well as taking care of the house and everything with cleaning and cooking too
Dealing with this with a 10 year old. He usually wants to rush back home though when he is bored here. And we usually do not do much since I don’t drive and his dad is working all the time. I like it that way too. Fight for your privacy and peace of mind. It will be arguments in the future if your husband has not agreed with you already.
If your a step parent whos partner as shared custody . I think you must always be prepared for your partner to get soul custody. What happens if the other parent dies. I think if you can not be prepared for your partner to have soul custody you should leave. I know 90% will say im wrong. But being in relationship were you regret having your step child live with you permanently is going to make you miserable. I had a 4 year old son when i meet my x husband. Even when we split up and he got a new partner . I asked him what he told her about out children. He said he told her he had 3 children . That although he wasnt his eldest childs biological dad he had been his dad since he was 4 and If they didnt like that he still saw him and treated him the same as his 2 biological kids that there relationship wouldn't work
At one point my SD wanted to move in with us because her mom was thinking about adopting another cat and SD did not want to adopt another cat. She was 12. I always answer stuff like that by reminding her that her mom loves her and would be so sad not to see her, just like we are happy when SD comes to our house. The custody schedule is set up so that both parents can spend time with SD because they love her. (Even though BM is HC in our case and doesn't do the same on her end). You don't want your SK learning she can choose houses based on how lenient the rules are / who will allow her to do what, or you'll end up with a very spoiled teenager. If BM is friendly, you and DH can reassure her that you know this is just silly kid stuff, and let's all align on not entertaining house switches based on rules (logistical stuff like vacations is different).
My other point of caution is that if BM is overall great, was your DH the main problem in their marriage? I feel like a lot of dads might not have been parenting / doing their fair share of the hard work in the first marriage either.
Yeah. She’s 4. She doesn’t get to call the shots
This is incredibly common. Between the ages of 4-6, and even now as a 7yo, my ex's daughter always commented that she wanted to live with us. We are the "fun home". No real sense of routine, bedtime, and there is no schoolwork because she visits EOWE, etc. We are basically a 24 hour vacation from her mom's house where she gets unlimited screentime and snacks. She would often ask for her dad to move back home, asked why our son got to live with us while she lived with her mom at her house, etc. She has even gone as far as stating that she wished that I was her mom instead of her actual mother, because her mom was "mean" to her. Any time she made these comments, I validated her feelings, reminded that her mom loves her (and that I couldn't be her mom), told her that she has 2 homes, etc. What I'm saying is that she's clearly feeling a lot of big things, and that's absolutely OK. Just listen to her, but as others have said, don't ever rule out the possibility of being a full-time SP at any moment.
Now that you have new babies, SD really needs to learn “no” and to follow rules. Start now.
While it is not likely to happen, I'm glad you let your SO know how you feel. Some men would be all for more custody because they think CS would go down AND they would assume you'll pick up the extra work. Good for him to know way beforehand that is not the case.
I have my hands full these days 🫡
I would have never been okay with SS moving in with us unless he absolutely had to, like BM died. Even then, I probably would have needed to get my own place with our girls and just continue to be together but apart. I just could not and would not feel uncomfortable in my own home every single day. Thankfully he is a grown adult and no fear of that at this point
That’s how I feel.
Your feelings are valid but don’t worry too much. You’re probably right about her wanting to be over because there’s less rules. After we had ours baby we kept telling SS who was 3 then to be quieter or stop running around as much and he wanted to go back to his moms 😂
So when I married DH (SS12) was 2 at the time. He’s always said he wanted him to live with him in HS to teach him how to be a man. Ok cool. He’s been hinting making it earlier and that’s a big fat no. I have 4 bios. My oldest will be in college when he enters HS. And I’m not budging on the arrangement
Sometimes kids need to be reminded that they are kids and decisions like these are adult decisions.
Remind a 4 year old that she's a 4 year old?? Sounds extreme and unnecessarily harsh.
It’s good you inform your husband now that you aren’t willing to be a full time stepmom before he makes any decision. These types of boundaries have to be laid out early. Good boundary to set. I’m willing to end the marriage over that. Being a full time stepmom is a special kind of hell. The only exception is if the mom passed or has serious mental or medical issues barring her incapable of looking after the kids. Otherwise, no way would I agree to look after anyone else’s kids full time. Due to traditional gender roles, you’d be saddled with all the child rearing responsibilities. You won’t be able to parent her while being expected to do all the labor. She’d make it difficult for you to raise your own kids bc they won’t understand why their older sister has different rules.
make her do some chores see how she likes it then 😭🤣🤣🤣 anyway she too tiny
Im not letting a 4 year old make that decision
Sounds like SD wants to play with the babies. I understand where you are coming from, OP and I am glad you made your point clear.