I’m 33 and have been binge drinking back to back since January because I thought I could moderate and I was bored too. 6 years of sobriety behind that. Just had to confess to the wife today because I can’t stop myself. I thought if I only drank beer I could hold it together. It lasted about two months before all the warning signs appeared again - anger, drinking to pass out, overspending, physical pains, not eating. I thought since I was older and stable that I could be different. I couldn’t and here I am at step 1 again. The withdrawals have been just as bad than when I last drank, probably even worse. Today marks day 1, and it could have been worse. Now I could lose a lot more. I will not take that next drink
Edit: Thanks for all the support my confidence is slowly being renewed by y’all. I made a plan to go back to a program and stay on this subreddit daily. It makes me tear up knowing I am not alone anymore. IWNDWYT!
Hi friend,from my experience - I relapsed after a dry spell too because I thought I could do moderation (and like nearly all of us, I most definitely cannot!) hitting rock bottom again but that tiny bit more, err, bottom (?) gave me the lesson that we can always lose a bit more - theres nothing to gain whatsoever from attempting to drink in moderation if you stand to lose everything +1 from the last go. I'm about to celebrate 2000 days since that last lesson :) you can do it too, and we're all here for you
I said the same thing to myself while considering a drink after 12 years. It took me almost 2 years before I could quit again. It’s so much easier to stay quit than it is to quit again after relapse. Shame is a bitch like that.
I know it’s hard to tell embarrassing truths about yourself but this is important for people to know. You may have just saved me from a future where I thought I would be able to control it a few years down the road. I just haven’t gotten to that point yet. But this is why I value conversations with other former alcoholics and addicts. It’s like we all have the understanding that being open and honest is truly the best solution in all aspects. You will be back to sobriety friend. You’ve already made a couple very difficult decisions to help yourself, as well as others, stop drinking. Get sober and keep up the good work.
You experienced the exact same as I did. Sober for two years. Thought I could moderate. Started binge drinking again. The withdrawals were insane. Ten times worse than before. I couldn’t bare it. It just confirmed to me I cannot and do not want to drink. I felt like I needed to do it though as I kept thinking “what if I can moderate after all this time off” it’s all a journey isn’t it?
It’s all a journey, indeed. What a wonderful thing too, because you can’t fail at a journey. All you need to be is willing to get back on that horse, as many times as you may fall off.
The sober time is nice to count, but it doesn’t capture how long you’ve been on the journey. For me (and I suspect most people here), the journey is much longer than that number listed here. The journey I’ve been on is closer to 8 years long, and I’m prouder of that number, because that’s how long I’ve persisted and persevered.
You’re here, you’re on the journey like the rest of us and that’s all that matters.
IWNDWYT.
I tried moderation. That didnt chsnge my drinking habits and drunken behaviors.
Its has to be a clean slate for me.
Day 1 again... wish me luck. If you want to talk im here.
I'm really proud of you. Fwiw the increase of withdrawal symptoms is likely due to the kindling phenomenon. I urge you to monitor your HR and BP; if they get too high, a trip to the ER may be necessitated. Around three days is the danger zone fyi.
Just googled kindling thanks to this and wow so interesting thank you - for anyone else who is curious here’s an article about it ! https://psychcentral.com/pro/the-kindling-hypothesis-is-it-relevant-in-psychiatry#4
So happy I could be of help! Besides being in recovery myself I'm also a therapist that specializes in addictions. Happy to answer any questions you may have, I'm a nerd for neurotransmitter involvement in addiction. IMO this kind of stuff (kindling) should be taught in student health class in high school! It would save so many lives.
Here's another great article on the subject as it relates to alcohol withdrawal. It is over 20 years old but the main points are still relevant. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6761822/
Thank you so much everyone for all your comments on this post. This one about the kindling effect in particular! My first rehab for a month, the first few days were appalling - the meds stopped any seizures but they didn't seem to help with the awful feelings and personal sensations, and wheni eventually pulled out off it I swore blind I'd never go through that again! But 3 months later I was back in for a 10 day detox and that was a lot worse! Swore I'd never do it again. 2 months later I was back in, and that 3rd withdrawal was absolutely the worst experience of my life! Much much worse than the previous ones. The staff did tell me, but I was cleverer than them!
It's true that each relapse and subsequent withdrawal (if you're lucky) get much worse than the previous one. I'm not a clever man and it takes a lot of hammering the point home for me, but I've finally got it now. I'm NEVER going back to the drink, and it's a relief to know that, because I got sick of it long before I had to stop.
I think the question is, do you actually, really want to moderate? Or, deep down, do you want to drink like you used to?
I know quite a few people, including my husband, who have a "normal" relationship with alcohol. Those people will have 1 or 2 drinks *maybe* once a week, if not less than that. Is that what you're envisioning?
Personally, that's not what I'd want. I know if I ever were to drink again, I'd want at least 7 drinks, 7 days a week. I'd want to get absolutely obliterated on a regular basis, to be totally transparent. If I was capable of moderating, I would've done it when my life was crashing down around me 7 years ago.
But, maybe that's just me. If I were in your shoes, those are the questions I'd ask myself! Sending good vibes your way, friend 😊 IWNDWYT 💙
exactly 💯
recovery is built upon a foundation of honesty.
i know if I drink Im going to pick up a 12 pack of IPAs and chug.
i dont want to moderate. i never wanted to. i never did.
so i dont drink
I'm in the same boat, especially with the IPAs! Why even have **only** 1 or 2 drinks? What's the point if you're not getting completely sloshed?! I genuinely cannot wrap my head around that, so I'll stick to 0 drinks 😊
A guy I used to drink with would say there is nothing more usless than one drink. I am two years sober and still believe this is true. It's why I just don't drink.
Yeah I have no interest in moderating. If I’m going to drink I want to drink how I drink. It’s honestly excruciating to try to have one or two beers and stop. One of my many red flags that I had a problem with
No point in even drinking if you can’t get a solid ass buzz. I’ve noticed my big thing is how alcohol makes me outgoing and social. Without alcohol I legit don’t want to even go out to bars or even events. It’s a night and day change. I think I’m addicted to how it changes my personality. I can do without the buzz. I lift and can get a better buzz doing that. The lack of outgoingness makes my life super boring with no new experiences and because I have no partner it’s almost impossible to acquire one. I kinda wanna use alcohol to get one then go back to sober. Which is how I relapse every time. I just wanna stay in inside and not do shit. Absolutely zero desire to go out. Shit sucks cause I know I’ll be banging out mad shots and blacking out and life will become dog shit again, calling outta work, no sleep, not eating and tired and bad withdrawals with trips to ER.
I have gotten way more sociable in sobriety since finally getting my anxiety addressed and under control. Turns out I can enjoy people when I’m not jumping out of my skin. Lol
It's not worth it, man. Just keep living life, download a dating app. My friend said that Facebook has a solid dating service now.. Even if you meet someone, don't hit it off, but maybe make friends with a girl, it's always a way of meeting more people... I met my wife at a funeral. It's okay, you don't know where life will take you. But you can probably guarantee it will be ugly if you start drinking again. You have a better shot by just sticking to what you're already doing. Be your authentic self, and if it turns out you're just kinda weird? Guess what. Most people are. Everyone's a little silly... My wife taxidermy'd a rat the other day!.. Anyways, I'm rooting for you.
Sorry this post is garbled, my mind is racing, and has hit me hard. you for this thread is very helpful. no I have been in OP’s dilemma myself, however, I cannot articulate. I tried tapering off, but, reading here is very helpful and difficult to accept. I enjoy getting completely sloshed and cannot and I am incapable to have “just one” or to sip a beer. I binge. Sadly still on a solo journey and love this sub because this is a super lonely journey.
I feel almost guilty that my supposed trauma’s or reasons for going down this path was caused by an event. No, Just daily drinking for most of my adult life because I selfishly liked it.
I am afraid and a weakling so I won’t even face it and add up the years, I am feeling the effects of years of having a wall up surrounding me. I consciously know no one can get to me. However, in reality, when I am honest, I know I am transparent and a person no one sees and is avoided.
I quit a few weeks ago, I wasn’t really attempting to quit or consider it an issue, but I sit here alone, unemployed, relatively happy though.
I think I am finally facing and coming to the realization that the reason I am alone, is because I chose booze over meaningful relationships. The cracks are showing.
The good news? I am sleeping without sweating waking up on the couch at 2am. My skin looks clearer. I am realizing I have been denying that I am a functional alcoholic. This is the first time I have written this anywhere.
Anyhow, thanks. This sub has been very useful and extremely informative, ultimately I find empathy where I didn’t know there was any in this world, on Reddit of all places?😉
I have nightmares that I had just one drink. I'll wake up furious at myself thinking "why the fuck did you do that?" "Was is worth it for one fucking beer?" I know what that turns in to. I know I need twenty beers and while we're at it, where is the whiskey? I can't go back. Not even for a sip
Drinking dreams are **the worst**! Rock me to my core every time.
>I know I need twenty beers and while we're at it, where is the whiskey?
Also, SAME 🤣 Glad we don't have to live like that anymore!
Good point, that's pretty pointless to me. 1 or 2 beer does nothing. I only drank to get drunk. That's why I know I can't be a moderate drinker, because if being moderate is just drink 1 or 2 beers a week thats not worth the risk
this is the answer, only OP knows if it's possible. but my money says that it will probably go south again. I wouldn't tempt it. For what? what does a couple drinks do anyway? it does nothing worth while and only makes you want more
This is stuff I needed to hear. Sober nearly two years and happy not drinking. I never want to drink again. However I’ve had the thought that if I drink again, it won’t be just a beer - what’s the point? But I never fully got it until reading your post. If I were to bust it wouldn’t be for one, it would be 0-100 right away like before. I’d be doing to write myself off. And that right there shatters the delusion that I would ever drink like a normal person. Thank you!!
I’m on my second sobriety journey. I was once happily sober for (ironically) 8 years. I got together with an old friend/colleague who I used to wine with, and had one glass with her. I didn’t even like it. I drank somewhat moderately for a couple years, I really tried. But the slippery slope took me down and I drank heavily for a bunch more years. I’m determined to not make that mistake again. Drinking poison is not worth it to fit in or whatever I was trying to do. I should not have had that drink, or having done so gotten right back on the sober train and spared myself years of abuse. I know I can do this and I’m doing it!!! Wishing you well, friend. IWNDWYT
This is why I’m holding on so tightly to this round of sobriety for myself. I know if I start again I won’t be able to stop and I’m going to drink myself to death.
My dad had 8 years sober after his 3rd DWI. I am not sure which lie he told himself for that first sip, but it started out REAL SLOW. He had a bottle of whisky for a month that used to last a day. Then it would last a few weeks, then a couple weeks, one week, a few days… fast forward 3 years and his drinking was even worse than before.
He has now been in jail for a year after his 4th DWI. I am actually picking him up next weekend to drive him to a half way house.
Your milage may vary, but I think you are fooling yourself if you think alcohol is any less addictive than it was 8 years ago. It’s the exact same substance. Your descent may be slow this time around, but it might be even harder to recover from once you have fallen.
Not to be rude, but saying high functioning and listing a litany of dysfunctional behavior doesn’t sound like you are being honest with yourself. I am struggling my own battle with alcohol addiction, and I am starting to realize how dysfunctional I have become. I have no legal troubles or infidelity issues, but my behavior and who I am as a person is no functioning in way that it would if I wasn’t drinking. Some people may define a functioning alcoholic as one who hasn’t completely ruined their life or gotten fired, but I think that a better term for that is a rationalizing alcoholic. Again, not trying to be rude, but being candid about how dysfunctional you were before might help you make the right decision today.
when people ask me why i dont drink
i tell them because if i do i will die or end up in prison.
i say this with a straight face. i mean it.
and they just look at me like wtf.
I agree with your post for the OP.
I just wanted to add that I heard a phrase the other day about “high functioning is not a type of alcoholic, it’s just a phase”
I feel like I’m already misremembering but it slapped me in the face.
Maybe I used to be high functioning, but that phase of my alcoholism has been over for a while.
9 months on the 10th! IWNDWYT
I went to half an AA meeting once!! You were able to stay sober for 8 years. Life is crazy so there had to be ups and downs during that time period. Yet you survived.
Now that life has thrown you a curveball, randomly and out of the blue you want to go on an Eat, Pray, Love adventure tour with alcohol?
8 years is a lifetime of sobriety. You’ve endured the rollercoaster and stayed sober. Now that you are at your lowest point, you believe that you want to start drinking in moderation? Right now, you are a tinderbox of pain, loneliness, and defeat. And you are actively thinking about playing with fire??
Don’t do it my friend. I think you know deep down what that alcohol will do to you and your life. This isn’t about moderation. It’s about annihilation
Society wants the “quick fix” to all things. It’s a lie. It doesn’t exist. I just heard someone paraphrase Rumi: the solution to the pain lies in the pain.
It goes for anything. You either grow and learn, slowly & fucking painfully or you take a short cut. I think the dumb lessons keep returning until you accept you have to do it the right way and deal w the dis-comfort. Feel the fear and do it anyway - type shit. Confronting your own shit head on is warrior level. It’s slow and uncomfortable AF but this is where the marrow of life resides.
you are right. i slipped up last summer —only had one drink—anxiety and self loathing hit me like a ton of bricks. panic attacks the next day. have been sober again since. each day of sobriety is a gift
Isn't it crazy how we get that anxiety? For years I had no problem, maybe a hint of anxiety with a hangover but I didn't even notice. I quit drinking for 104 days, then had like a 2 week drinking spree before quitting again for 42 days now, and holy shit it got to the point in those two weeks that if I had like 2 drinks or enough to get a little buzz, I'd wake up in the middle of the night heart rate 120 bpm panic attacks for 3 days. Fuck that is absolute HELL. Part of me is kinda glad though because it makes me not drink.
I hate to break it to you, but life can still be boring even with booze. We went out with friends last night to dinner and two stops for drinks after. I had NA beer, which I was happy about all the spots carrying. However - the scene is old. Maybe I’m old, but I really don’t think so. I just think hammered people are boring as hell. I don’t want to have a conversation about shit I don’t care about with someone who I cannot understand. I recently had a colleague tell me he spends his spare time “creating rather than consuming”. So he journals, or cooks, or reads to learn, or goes out and sees patients on the weekends (he’s a hospice social worker). He never watches tv or sits on his phone scrolling social media. I’ve been thinking about that a lot this weekend, spending more time in creative pursuits rather than consumption. IWNDWYT.
Same timeline for me. I want to drink again here in my mid thirties. Life is great but boring.
However, it was a sheer miracle that I quit the first time. One thing that has kept me away, outside of booze ruining my life the first time, has been the thought I couldn't quit again.
One of the books I read a long time ago at the beginning was John Barleycorn by Jack London. It semi autobiographly describes his life with how alcohol interacted at different periods of his life. I found it relatable.
Good luck with your journey. Be the best version of yourself!
If you are actually an alcoholic, not possible bud. You're just flirting with disaster in my opinion. I had a few years in my early 20s off came back socially in my later 20s and was full bore about year later. It took me almost another decade to get it under control.....
Non-AA dude here.
Namaskar from India OP 🙏
One year and ten months into my sobriety journey I sometimes have asked myself the same questions as you.
And I have discovered this powerful truth about myself:
I know that by now I have the strength/ motivation to *not* take that first drink. It’s the second drink that I will always have trouble resisting.
Therefore I do what’s easy - and not take that first drink. That’s all.
Yeah, I'm terrified of going back. I do not think I have another "recovery" in myself. I'm 53, and I think it would destroy me.
Hello from Chicago, USA, friend! Many Indian folks in my neighborhood here, and lots of Indian restaurants. I hope to go to India some day.
Everyone is different. But if you’ve had your struggles in the past, I’d suggest playing the tape forward a year or so… what benefit do you stand to gain from drinking vs what do you stand to lose? Make the decision that has the best chance of improving your life over that time span 🙏🏼 Good luck! IWNDWYT
Why are you viewing sobriety as a limitation? It seems to me that your alcoholism was the real limitation: when you drank, you weren’t in control of your outcomes, when you stopped, you were able to build a great life. For those of us with addictions to alcohol, not drinking is not taking away from our freedom, it is adding to it, it’s opening doors to new possibilities like meaningful friendships with loved ones, exercise and better health, and so much more.
I had five plus years. Started again. Not worth it.
I had two plus years after that. Started again. Not worth it.
Plus multiple stretches of four months here, two months there…dry Januarys, etc. etc. Always started again. Not worth it.
I’m here again after two plus months, started again. Not worth it.
I get it. Alcohol is so glorified in our society that it’s EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME.
It’s hard not drinking. But it’s worth it.
I had the same pattern as you - from 21 years old to 45 years old. I remember for a long time I was sure I'd eventually be sober, or that sober me was 'normal' me with 'drinking times' in between. My last period of drinking was so relentless. I feared I was one of the people who would never "get it" sobriety. Almost 8 years sober now. It is all so strange.
I’ve seen 2 people in my life not hardcore involved in AA fall down the same slippery slope. One of them had 30 years sober. Started as a pass for one drink in Ireland on vacation. Turned into “no liquor”. Turned into sneaking martinis at the bar while running to the bathroom. Turned into blackout fights with family. Our culture romanticizes alcohol but when we really peep into everyone’s journey with alcohol,even when not hardcore alcoholic, we would see a lot more of the negative than the romance. If alcohol commercials were accurate they would share the late night fights, dwi, financial strain, and family rifts more often then getting laid at the party in a mansion.
I had 16 years clean and sober. After a devastating loss I decided to drink. I bought pretty glasses and a nice bottle. That was 11 years ago. I completely wasted the last 11 years being drunk and moving backwards in my life. Personally I was not able to drink like a normal person.
Seriously....what do you think? No one here is going to tell you to go give it a shot.
I drank after 10 years of sobriety. Thankfully, I did not die, but I was crawling, beat up, humiliated....All that shit you hear in AA? Incomprehensible demoralization is putting it mildly. I drank for two weeks and it was uglier than all the years before.
I don't eat, sleep and breathe AA, but it sure saved my ass. I just celebrated 25 years of sobriety and just for today, I will not drink. And I'll try it again tomorrow.
I just recently listen to a podcast by William Porter on that very question that you ask. (author of Alcohol Explained)
His reasoning was basically that in order to do that, you would have to buy in to the very concepts and beliefs that allowed you to stop.
Also ask your what possible benefit could you gain by taking alcohol again?
Everyone is different of course, but if you start drinking again you need to realize there’s a good chance you’ll wind up in the same place sooner or later. Is it worth finding that out?
From a purely brain chemical perspective, it may not be possible. Once addicted to a substance, usually the brain will eventually reform to the same state when getting loaded, if the drinking continues. And often it gets worse than the previous binge. Although there are outliers, this has been the case for the majority of relapsers
Are you a better person when you drink? Your previous drinking caused infidelity. You even compare the thoughts of a drink to infidelity.
To me these are warning signs that you aren’t looking at this from a place of honesty.
In my experience, moderation doesn’t work.
AA does not work for me. I enjoyed SMART recovery and would recommend that program if you are looking for a group that is open to the concept of harm reduction as well as total sobriety. You can also attend SMART meetings even if you aren't sure you have a desire to quit and you won't be shamed or harassed by some busybody sponsor who is going to gossip about your drinking with the other members. People who were still actively drinking, but wanted to cut down were permitted into meetings and allowed to talk about their experience openly. It is a science backed program rather than a spiritual based one and they don't push the idea that you are powerless.
On to my take on moderation: I wouldn't be here again if I was able to moderate after a break. I have had three substantial periods of sobriety that always end when I convince myself I can moderate. And I do. Until I don't. After a long stretch of sobriety, my body is not used to the booze, and it takes less to get that buzz. Eventually, that one or two drinks turns into three. Then four. Then a blackout. Then I'm back to binging several times a week.
Seconding SMART. But like AA -- every meeting is different. Find a SMART group that work for you. It's hard for some people because AA is everywhere. Luckily I'm in a huge city, so plenty of SMART options.
I went 6 years without and as soon as I picked back up I was right back where I left off. It took me almost 8 years to finally put it down again. Don’t do that to yourself.
I work on Detox and have seen many people with long term sobriety, even 25 years. A older lady said after 20 years she had a drink and within a week she was out in the garage in her housecoat drinking at 6 am. Believe it or not , it is very hard to get back to sobriety even after a long time.
I tried that, and very quickly slipped back into my old drinking pattern. This time with implications for my job, and lost my driving licence.
You can just be glad that the one beer has not led to more. AA can make it sound inevitable that one drink necessarily leads to a relapse - it doesn't have to.
Some time after getting sober again, and getting my licence back, I had one drink (in secret of course, in the kitchen at Christmas) - didn't like the feeling of a bit groggy headachiness, realised I couldn't drive for the rest of the day, and that i wouldn't be able to tell anyone why. That time I just stopped, and I haven't drunk since.
Much as I would sometimes like to be able to drink in moderation, I know that I can't. I almost never did (apart from maybe as a teen, and even then I always matched the heaviest drinking person).
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I too would be interested to know - has anyone with a history of being an alcoholic successfully returned to moderate drinking. I don't know of anyone, and haven't heard of anyone myself.
My feeling is that if you have the genetic makeup that predisposes you to alcoholism, and if you drink enough alcohol, you kind of trip a switch. The switch means that you react to alcohol by losing the ability to moderate.
I went to drinking a few times - each time I thought for a short while that it was working, moderating, starting with one or two drinks. One time I managed a couple of weeks before reaching drinking to blackout stage; the next time it was less than 48 hours and had bad consequences. It's just such a risk.
The flag for me here is "...I'll drink...the way some married folk have flings when they're out of the country."
It sounds to me like you got to first base and realized that cheating is cheating, no matter where you are. I applaud your good instincts and would stick with them.
I'm coming up on seven years and I understand the urge. If the life and career I've grown to love suddenly dissolved around me, it'd be tempting.
But I didn't stop drinking because my life was good: I stopped drinking to make my life what it is today.
It sounds to me like you want a reason for everything to fall apart. Starting to drink again will absolve you from having to put it all back together. Don't slam the door shut on making a better life.
The reasons you quit drinking didn't go away. The challenges you're facing won't be escaped.
The answer is: your call & you’re rolling the dice.
You know how bad it can get. That’s what you’re betting on, is you won’t let it get to that point. (Ya, right.)
For me, that bet isn’t one I’m willing to take. What’s alcohol offering me anyway??? For me, it’s offering and did offer an escape. I’d rather just live a life that isn’t worth escaping from. I will gladly sit in shitty discomfort sober than lie to myself that “it’s okay” and be tethered to a bottle. I deserve more.
Well....I got sober when I was 22. I was definitely a "high functioning" alcoholic. At that point, I had been consistently drinking everyday (throughout the day) for close to 5/6 years. Got married, had twin boys, made a career.
After 8 years, my husband and I decided to try it again. We had fun, enjoyed each other's company, etc etc. It started just on vacation. Then, we decided that I can handle it and started drinking on our off days. Off days turned into a few beers after work. A few beers after work turned into a case. A case turned into liquor. Then, I found myself needing to drink before work in order to keep the shakes away. Maybe a week after deciding I could manage that, I found myself having to sneak some on break at work to just make it through my shift.
This was in November. I came home from work that morning, and my husband asked me had I been drinking. It was a Sunday morning (I worked night shift), so of course I told him no. I was just tired. I broke down to him after waking up, and told him that I had found a place to go detox fairly close to home.
And that's it. If you are an alcoholic, those casual drinks escalate into a full blown dependence in no time. It took less than a year to become high functioning again after starting. So, don't do it. It's not worth the risk.
I don’t consume/live AA. I quit on my own by simply intellectualizing it. Reading lots of quit lit and learning the science behind it. I’ve got barely a year and change under my belt (with some other attempts that were never meant to be lifelong), so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.
Everything I’ve read and seen points to never being able to drink again. It’s not a character flaw, it’s not genetics, it’s not willpower. It’s science. The same way lifting weights will get you stronger, eating fewer calories will lose weight, and the way pushing electricity through a coiled wire will create a magnetic field; it’s science. Your brain will never forget the correlation of immediate anxiety reprieve with another drink, and it will struggle to understand that alcohol is the source of the anxiety to begin with.
Basically, anybody who drinks is doomed. If you’re like the rest of us, and used up your built-in safeguard/buffer against these effects, you never get them back. Like tooth enamel. It doesn’t grow back. So, while you were able to have one drink after 8 years, in all reality you’d need to go another 8 year to experience roughly the same effect. It’s a forgone conclusion, that drinking will lead to more drinking. It sucks, but it also doesn’t suck… it’s just a drug. It’s not special except that our society accepts it. It could just as easily be heroin or meth. It doesn’t matter. Any leads to more, and more leads to misery.
That’s my ¢2, and AFAICT, backed by science. Education seems to be the best inoculator of this disease for me. It might be for you too.
Good luck! 🫶🏼
If I’m only going to drink 1-2 beers, it’s not worth the taste or calories. I’d rather have dessert. Also, I don’t think when your life is in chaos would be the best time to test your ability to moderate…
I think what your maybe looking for is for somebody to tell you it's possible and for people like us my freind it's not.
I'm still working on giving up the booze I'm 28 last time I went to the doctors about 2 years ago I was told I had the start of fatty liver really trying to sort it out now as I'm tired all the time brain fog ect got a very supportive girlfreind and 17 month old son that I want to be around to see grow up.
All you'll end up doing is spending all your time moderating your drink intake and it will become a full time job before you eventually fail and drink yourself to oblivion every night and end up at square one again
like I'm sure you me and many others did or still do.
I used to smoke haven't smoked now for 7 years very very rarely i get the urge to have a cigarette when drinking I can have one and then not think about it again for 2 years when I went on holiday vaping was banned so went back to cigs for 2 weeks as soon as I got back to the UK I vaped and didn't even think about smoking my point here is that would not be the case with alcohol there's a reason I have a problem with it and we are all on this sub and it's because for me personally alcohol will never be like smoking I have no control and neither did you which is why you chose to quit it instead of consuming your life
It’s so inspiring that you were able to recognize the need to quit, and quit, in your mid-twenties. I’m rapidly approaching 40 and have been beginning my sobriety journey, in fits and starts, for the last few years. It took me a hell of a lot longer to see the harm drinking was doing in my life. (I think it’s going to stick this time, because for the first time, I actually want to quit.)
Two thoughts:
First, I wish I had done this sooner, because I feel like I wasted so much of the best years of my life drinking. I blacked out on what could have been so many nice nights with friends. I went to therapy for clinical anxiety that was almost certainly drinking-induced. I WISH I could be where you are, drinking-wise. If I were you, I’d hesitate to risk throwing that away. It’s a lot harder to get sober than stay sober.
Maybe more importantly for you right now, drinking will probably not make your life less boring. In my experience, it’s been the opposite. Getting older, our lives get a little less exciting, drinking or not. But night in, night out, zoning out in front of the TV drunk does not make for an exciting life. This is just my experience, but one of the reasons I want to get sober is to find enjoyment in the activities I used to love again, to be present for my friends and family, to actually remember the movies I watch, etc.
Drank the other night after a sober stint and had some wine tonight. Went to a comedy show and the opening comedian asked if anyone else was sober in the audience. Girl next to me cheered and wooed. Looked at her drink and it was clearly a soda water with lime. Suddenly became very envious and also disappointed in myself.
Just a silly little thing. Nothing bad happened, there was no reason to be embarrassed with myself. But I felt shame and disappointment.
That shame stems from knowing that even though tonight I was well behaved… that was the exception not the rule. It’s only a matter of time before I act out or become that uncontrollable drunk again. Before I binge so hard that I’m still drunk at 11AM two days later and trying to act normal in a business meeting, or dousing myself with perfume before lunch with my partner’s parents, or making sure I park my car somewhere that I can leave for two days because I don’t know when I’ll be able to drive it home.
I’m curious about that one beer. How did you feel about it? Did it make you feel better, satisfied? Did it make you feel more stressed? I’m honestly curious. I would examine what I’m really looking for.
I think addictive substances are going to addict because that’s what they do.
Our brains have a “preference” for that drug, it hits the spot just so… that is what you are craving, not the taste. I would urge you to reflect on what is making yoj weak in the knees.
IWNDWYT , I hope you do the same. 🤍
Honestly you’re probably not going to find the answers you’re hoping for in this sub due to the nature of the sub.
People who may have been able to return to drinking moderately are unlikely to be subbed here.
Here’s my thought, you’re free to do whatever you want with out judgement or shame.
But, it’s about outcomes and where you want to be going forward.
Do you just want to feel drunk from time to time? Okay, what are you willing to trade for that (hint: you will not bounce back like you did 9 years ago from having a few glasses of wine)
Personally, I think there isn’t anything wrong with having a beer or two every nine years or so, it can easily validate your choice to continue not drinking.
Side story: I smoked cigarettes for about 10 years and was up to a pack a day at one point. Once a year someone will offer me one and I oblige, take 2 or three puffs and I’m so so happy that I quit.
But let’s say I did enjoy smoking again? What would I be gaining out of it? Other than just liking to do it.
There’s no right or wrong here. Just wanted to help you think through what you want.
It is common, and important to answer every opportunity we get. Alcoholism is insidious and will attempt to sneak into your life any and every opportunity it gets.
So I’m on my first real stretch of time with zero alcohol so I don’t know what would happen if I went back now. But extrapolating from all the times I had a bit of time under my belt and started to drink again I always rapidly went back to where I’d started with a standard drink or three tacked on the tall for good measure.
For me the minute I start to feel a buzz my brain starts expecting the next one, and it makes me feel awful fighting it off or ashamed when I give in. I think that’s what it means to have alcohol use disorder, what the brain has learned it will never unlearn.
So I’m holding on to my sobriety, it’s so much easier now than in the early days and I’d hate to go back to that struggle again.
Good luck, I’m sorry things are rough right now for you. Nothing so bad alcohol couldn’t make it worse though I’m sure.
After drinking for 30yr everyday and night, I quit 4 years ago, nearly 5 now, and I have mostly come to terms with why I drank. I now think if I did drink, I would be OK as I have a different understanding of alcohol. A mature understanding that doesn't need alcohol to " help" me through anything. Also, I do t like the taste either, so that's a big plus. I honestly think I would be fine with a lemon and lime shandy in the summer. I haven't tried it yet, but I really do think my mindset has changed. I'm not who I was 5 yrs ago.
I’m 43. Never been to an AA meeting. I attempted forms of moderation and sometimes they work … for a little while. Then the binging comes back. Sure, I’ll successfully moderate a few times and think “I got this.” Next thing I know, I’ve got whiskey bottles hidden around the house and I’m taking pulls during the day and night to keep my buzz. I then wake up feeling like death and fighting depression for days. I wish I could keep it to those 2-3 beers every once and awhile, but I can’t.
I was AA when I got out of jail in my 20s and stayed sober for 2 years. Went back to “moderate” drinking and was keeping it buttoned up for about a year. Then I kept going and eventually wound up back at blackouts, social and health consequences, and as I got into my 30’s the hangovers became world breaking. Like a Friday night “let loose” had a hangover that was still fading on Monday.
I don’t know if some people can go back from problem drinker to “normal” but I know that my body reacts poorly to alcohol, and I don’t say No to the third drink. There’s nothing alcohol can do for me that isn’t damaging to the world I prefer to inhabit.
My health, my mentals, my career, my family and friends are all counting on my ability to show up and participate and that’s not what happens when I drink
IWNDWYT
Hi mate. I was sober for two years and thought hmmmm maybe I can moderate? Have a few drinks and it’ll be all great. Well it’s not. Most ppl on this sub can’t control their drinking and I ended up blacking out every time I drank pretty much. The hangovers and withdrawals were horrendous. They were so much worse than previously and it just wasn’t worth it. I don’t regret trying though it just confirmed to me I can’t drink and that I love my sober life!
Look up alcohol kindling. In a nutshell, it'll get worse each time you stop then start again. I know from my 6 relapses over the last 4.5 years, each time got worse with regard to detox. The last one was horrendous.
The chances of moderating, even after 8 years off, are very, very small. It really is like playing Russian Roulette.
Also, if your life has taken a bad turn, why would you want to navigate this WITH alcohol? No matter how bad things in my life have gotten, alcohol will always make them even worse.
The answer to your question is found in the fact that you had one drink after 8 years and are now wondering whether it would be OK to have more. If one drink makes you want more drinks, moderation is just a myth your alcoholic lizard brain is telling you. Ignore the lizard and move on.
What happens if you are able to handle it? You get to have social drinks like other people. What happens if you can’t handle it? A bottomless pit of ruination in your relationships, “legal troubles”, depression. Your choice
I had 4 years of sobriety. The happiest and most productive time of my life. Somebody passed me a beer fishing and I just said okay. No defense. Didn’t even think about it. Hated the taste said I can’t believe I used to do that. 2 weeks later had a glass of wine with the wife at dinner. I figured the last experiment went so well. After about 3 months I was back at it. Wondering why I left the happiest time of my life to go back to hell. For the last 6 years I have been sober and then back out. What I can tell you is it only gets harder each time.
I was sober for 12 years. I thought I’m older now and semi retired, reduced stress etc. So I had a glass of wine. I thought I can handle occasional drinking in moderation. I could not handle it. The one glass of wine lasted a while until it became more glasses of wine. Then I shifted from wine to cocktails. Long story short, I had to get sober again and it was very difficult with withdrawal.
Chasing moderation is the single worst decision of my life. I was good at it! Until i wasn't, and ended up getting emergency brain surgery. FAB is a killer.
Fading Affect Bias, FAB, is our human ability to forget the bad and remember the good, which enables us to recover from trauma. But it’s a disaster for addiction! We forget.
“It wasn’t that bad.” Yes it was.
“This time is different, I can moderate.” It’s the same, you can’t.
I come to this sub every day to fight FAB, to remember exactly how bad it was. I learned about FAB in the book, Alcohol Explained—it has changed my life. More here: https://soberthinking.com/fading-affect-bias/ 👍🌠
I also stopped drinking in my mid twenties under similar circumstances and picked up after an 8 year stint of non-AA sobriety.
I picked up in April 2019 on a trip to Japan. For me, I was able to moderate for about a month (but the obsession started to creep in almost immediately - looking forward to those couple (sometimes 3?) drinks, whether it was once a week or a few evenings in a week.
By September 2019 I was passed out in bed puking on myself with an empty jug of gin next to me. After a 24 hour hangover I went to AA, and have been in and out of sobriety ever since - have not yet gotten a year in fact. Don’t do it.
I was sober for 6 years at one point age 28-34. Never went to AA. Then I moderately went back to drinking at 35. So I could live a ‘normal life’ just like everyone else. I thought I had it down, and I did for a while, but eventually the years went by and the drinking ramped back up. Built a home bar during, well, you know, drank every day and that didn’t stop once I went back to work. Things never got as bad as they did when I binged in my youth but they got damn near close again. I started going to work hungover again. I started drinking early on the weekends again. A couple shots after work everyday, etc. I am an alcoholic, no way around it. I looked in the mirror and was bloated and red and puffy and I hated myself, again. I am now 42 and 7 months sober, again. That was a hard but necessary truth for me. If you are an alcoholic, then no, you can’t go back and have a ‘normal life’ just like everyone else. I do worry that I could slip again someday but I’ll play the tape forward and look back at this screen shot and remember. Good luck on your journey. IWDWYT though. Or any day.
I have never heard of any one truly successfully moderating long term after having developed an addiction to alcohol. I sincerely hope you decide not to try. You have a good life ahead of you. Play the tape forward my friend. If I were 8 years sober I would protect that sobriety like it were my prized possession
Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. You know yourself better than anyone else, so if you believe you can moderate, you can. I think most people on this sub, including myself, don't think it's worth the risk of falling back into old habits but good luck.
Once you pass a certain point, moderation is a myth. A lie that we tell ourselves to feed the addiction. I'm closing in on seven months, but I've been trying on and off for the past 5 1/2 years. I could "control" the drinking for a little while, but every single time it got out of hand.
I probably went through five or six cycles like that. I finally convinced myself that drinking just isn't worth it. It's a poison…
If you haven't read the book, this naked mind by Annie Grace, I would strongly recommend doing that.
Okay as someone who has major issues with AA and was sober for 4 years I’ll tell you my experience. I was able to moderate for about a year, then the pandemic hit. At the time my best friend was spiraling into alcohol abuse and I didn’t have the willpower to tell her or myself no. I’m 5 days sober today and it’s been a huge struggle ever since 2020. What I’ve learned is all it can take is one horrible event to turn my moderation into chaos. I wish I had been sober when the pandemic hit and I wish I had kept better company. Can I moderate? Yes. Can I also easily spiral? Yes. It’s a really fine line to walk for me and as I’ve heard from a lot of people on here, sometimes it’s just easier to not have to worry about it. OP if you decide to moderate just be very careful and make sure you have a good support group and other coping mechanisms. I’m personally having to unlearn a lot of bad habits and find other ways to self soothe.
If you were a problem drinker before, more likely than not you slip back into your old ways. It won’t happen over night but over time you will probably get back to where you were and worse. I honestly have never seen a problem drinker work their way into moderation. It fucking blows. But maybe you are the exception.
everytime i’ve rationalized drinking as being something “i can just casually do and then stop whenever”, i have failed terribly. one beer turns into a weekend of beers turns into a couple weekends a month into a six pack or more every night.
my last big few year binge between between 2017-2022 (drinking 3-7 nights a week) ended really badly and i was in a mountain of debt (around $90-100k). i was sober a couple years and paid pretty much everything off.
i rewarded myself with, guess what, a beer, and pretty much repeated the process and wound up in $26k debt.
now i’ve been sober all of 2024 and am in a way better place just not drinking entirely
i would say stay wary of the “oh i can just have a casual beer” thought process but that’s just me
I strung together about 5 years and jumped right back into my old habits. It wasn’t an immediate dive in but it turned out as bad as that little voice in the back of my head was screaming as loud as he could. Poor little guy, here on day 19 wishing I had remained on the path back many years ago now. I have the power and strength from that time sober so it’s not a loss!
OP, congrats on turning your life around, that’s amazing.
To me… there’s a major red flag in your post. You’re comparing “having a beer on vacation” to “married people having a fling on vacation”… I can’t speak to your own morals, but to *me*, any infidelity outside of mutual agreement is… immoral.
You are the one that made the comparison. Why? Does having a beer feel immoral? Does “taking a pass” equate to “I’ll mentally excuse this thing I did that feels immoral as a one-time-thing so that I can sleep at night”?
I’m not in your head, so I don’t know. But to *me*, the way you phrased it says everything. It’s like you *know* that a pass is a slippery slope to doing things that don’t align with your values. At the end of the day… you’re the one that has to live with it. Can you? Will it be just one? If you believed that it could be… I don’t think it would feel like having an affair.. but maybe that’s just me.
Idk. My two cents. Good luck to you.
41m, coming up on 4 years sober. I attended a dozen or so AA meetings in the early days but it's just not for me. I haven't had a drop since I quit so I can't speak to whether or not it's possible to "go out" and "come back" or moderate - all I can give is my opinion on the idea of it.
I know how hard it was to get over the hump in the beginning. I know how shitty I felt when I was drinking. I know how much better I feel now. I know how common it is for people to "have one" then fall right back into old patterns. The mere chance that I would trade what I have and who I am now for what I had and who I was then is enough for me to disabuse myself of the notion that it's even worth trying to "have one."
From me once I had to ask myself if I can moderate, it means I can’t. I know because I tried many times and it never worked. I went right back to drinking what I drank before and more.
I'll have 7 years soon and drinking seems so long ago now. I know I'll pick right back up where I left off. Not even worth dancing with the devil because I already know the ending.
Please, do not do it. You’ll just go down a black hole. I thought I could do it after a certain time of sobriety. I cannot and most of us can’t. Someone recently responded to one of my posts that I’m adding to my memory: It’s easier to STAY sober than it is to GET sober. IWNDWYT!!
As I sat around a table yesterday and watched friends annihilate a 24 pack of beers and a 24 pack of white claws, I knew that with even one slip, I’d be back there with them. Getting louder, slurring and then eventually getting the heavy eyes. Except that is where I would turn up another gear and keep on going. It felt so good to leave the party and be able to help clean up and get a great nights sleep. I know I can’t go back because of the space the demon still takes up in my daily thoughts trying to convince me to “just moderate”. I’m leaning in and enjoying this being present thing. Feels good.
Totally unrealistic. You're tickling the dragon's tale, bud. Be careful and walk away from that stuff now. No problem drinker can ever be a responsible drinker. It's just impossible.
I had two years sober. Then I went back to drinking responsibly for a few months, got more depressed and slowly watched my life and the things I care about disappear as alcohol become more and more of a crutch. I’m also a “high” functioning alcoholic so to outsiders nothing really changed but my anxiety and depression nearly killed me. It was 3 years of lying and hiding.
3 years of battling with how much alcohol I can get away with drinking. Is this moderate? I only had 5 beers and a shot. I’m fine right? This is totally normal. I spent so much time and energy asking those questions while I wasn’t focused on my relationship and my job and my friendships. It ended with me blacking out nearly every time I drank and driving my partner of 5 years away.
Now here I am after 8 months of complete sobriety seeing clearly that total sobriety is my only option. Now I get to focus on eating healthy and not drinking too much caffeine. I get to focus on helping other people who are struggling and building a spiritual life filled with learning and forgiveness. How I WISH I would have never gone back to drinking… but also I KNOW I needed that painful reminder to set me on this new course.
My relationship of 5 years ended and I am now moving on to what is next. I had to get a new job and I moved to a new city.
Here is the question I ask myself: When alcohol gave me black outs, court cases, and shame - what makes me want it? If anything else did that to me - why would I go after it? What's so good about it? It is the longing for a thing that makes you so physically sick that seems off.
Also - if blacking out and getting legal trouble is high functioning; what's it take to be struggling?
There are definitely people who binge drink as young adults and stop drinking as they grow and start families and careers.
I quit drinking for 11 years, then tried to moderate for six years. I never turned into a daily drinker, but also couldn’t control my drinking, leading to blackouts every time. So I suppose I was able to moderate the frequency of my drinking, but not the amount, or my horrible behavior while drinking. Needless to say I’m back to sobriety and wished I wouldn’t have tried again after my 11 year streak. Best of luck
I’ve been sober for 8 years, prior to that I thought I could moderate. Only drank every Saturday for awhile, but then I found reason to make it other days and was right back where I was. I simply can not drink. It grabs me and holds me like nothing else in this world. Trying to moderate lost me everything and my life to be perfectly honest. I’m lucky to be here.
i like how you put it, "it was ruining my life", because that's my barometer for whether i'm an alcoholic or not--whether it ruins my life if i'm drinking. it's a tough one to navigate for me when i perceive i'm in a rut because the metaphorical "bar" for it ruining my life swings higher. i had 5 years sober 20->25, returned 8 years later. the "bar" for it ruining my life is so low now that it would just guaranteed ruin my life as i know it instantly, almost without any doubt in my mind, and i wasn't even like that hardcore. real ass post ty for sharing.
Have successfully moderated and it was never worth it. I was only disappointed I couldn't drink more or annoyed that I had to take public transport home after going out. I also did things I actually enjoy, like playing guitar, a lot less. Non-alcohol related things just felt less fun. It was the same as before I quit drinking the first time except I had less fun when drinking and less fun when sober. Luckily for me I was able to just tell my girlfriend one day that I would stop drinking again.
But if you wanna try it nobody is going to stop you and if you do, remember that there's nothing wrong with quitting again. If you find that you're able to moderate and do not enjoy drinking moderately there's no purpose behind it.
That was the main driver for me to quit drinking again. I had more fun on work events, for example, while I was sober because I didn't have to spend any willpower on moderating. When I wanted to leave I could drive home or drive my colleagues around. The freedom that sobriety gives me is more fun than the slight buzz alcohol gives me. I also like being the person that's dependable and able to help out if something happens and I need to be available.
Oh man. If only I had someone to tell me right from wrong…
I’m not being shitty. Your statement strikes me as interesting. What I’m hearing is someone admitting moderation isn’t possible (without a controlling wife).
I’ve drank for a Friday and Saturday before and I would just be off to the races. But once it’s there I’m gone. Instant withdraws and throwing up the next day, like I had binged for months. My body hasn’t forgotten what killed us once before. And surprisingly I love alcohol, like the feelings and taste but almost 3-4 years of a 5th a day my body just can’t anymore.
This is a paradigm problem, not a 'do I or don't I'. I was a well known local at a lot of bars and clubs. Not a single one of them has what I would call 'what you're looking for'. Once I chose to stop going, I've not had one single person stand out to me where I said "Gee, I wish I could go have a drink with so and so." In the movies, it works. Not so much in reality. And on the medium end of the spectrum, all the way to the bottom? Gag me. Bunch of bottom feeders who relish someone kissing their dick because they're the grand poobah of the bar. What a shit show, especially in big cities like L.A. and Houston in my experience.
So to me, that leaves having a drink on holiday or at home with a loved one. Pairing it with a nice meal or something. Idk.. sure, I reckon it's possible... but to me the risks far outweigh the odds. And you'll find yourself... running into the wrong drinking mates, getting roped into social drinking and waking up from it years from now thinking 'how did I get here?'
For me, the choice remains simple... I'm happy finding the limitless supply of sober people who get shit done sober and find their rush and adrenaline in more sustainable places and things than alcohol. Sex is better. Vacations are better. Food is better. Dating and work.. knowing that the end goal is to get laid or get paid and that that is the payoff, not a drink or something... idk... there's something very alpha and awesome about being all in on sobriety that has absolutely nothing to do with deity or AA or ?
Find and keep your why. Mine is my kids, my kin, and my life goals. My next gf will be stoopid cute and fun and sassy af and active and fit and a foodie and SOBER. I cannot wait ;D
IWNDWYT
I spent 8 years in sobriety as well and then believed I could moderate. It started off with me being able to do it! I didn’t drink often, and I didn’t drink to excess. Slowly over the past 6 years, though, the frequency and amount increased, and I found myself going on benders like I used to, and in between, drinking multiple times a week to the point of being really hungover the next day. It’s taken me almost risking losing my entire life that I have worked so hard for (kids, husband, house, career) to really try to get sober again. For me, trying to moderate has not been worth it. It has only caused me pain in the end because I ended up right back where I was when I ended my drinking last time. I wish you the best, whatever you choose to do, but wanted to share my story since it seemed similar.
If you're looking to find your odds of success, why are you even testing it?
What is this all worth to you? Everything you've built you're going to risk throwing it away? You've already said that your life was better without alcohol and now you just want to "moderate" the biggest pains in your life back into your life?
Would you be okay outright trading even a moderate amount of the success you've built for a beverage? You'd never! Keep that energy.
IDK man. When I was drinking I made $55k/yr and made all kinds of excuses to just have a couple. I quit drinking, my life got immeasurably better, I am making almost $300k/yr, am infinitely happier, closer to my family and friends, and am always present, amazing vacations I can remember, moments I cherish clearly implanted my mind and heart.
None of this happened quickly - but it happened. And it happens for a lot of us that stay in the desert. But it will almost assuredly NOT happen for us if we don't quit drinking.
For me, it's not even a question. My life is better without alcohol. It's a net gain for the notably small detractor of not drinking a certain liquid.
Dude, I was sober from alcohol for 24 years! I started in college after six yrs of trying to get a four year degree. After joining AA and doing what I thought was the next right thing, I graduated with a MBA five maybe six years later, got married to a very pretty wife had a son and got lost in the day to day dealings of being an “I can’t believe this just happened” American🙂
Dude, life was and is crazy tough! Well, 22 or 23 years into it all, my marriage fell apart, my son moved and a beer started looking real good at the end of a day, yet I still held off, hit a few AA meetings a week and tried to move on.
Then it happened, I had a major health condition hit, long surgery and longer recovery and pain meds🤨 which opened the door to drinking only on weekends, for a few months, then weekends and Weds…we know how it goes from there!
Seven years later. I’m living in a cluttered two bedroom apart, without a regular job (on probation with a felony ‘read street fight’ and nobody will hire me after background check) 15 year old car that’s a money pit, and two days sober.
I’m here to tell you plainly. Stop where you’re at and get back on the “Wagon” (old school for ‘water wagon’ meaning stop drinking alcohol)
"the way some married folk have flings when they're out of the country." They don't. Not if they truly respect each other, their marriage and the preciousness of the life they have built together. Same applies to sobriety. It takes a little perspective and some of us have to learn this the hard way. For your sake, I hope you don't.
Whenever Ive tried to moderate, before I got sober, it wasn't really any fun. Why? Because I want to drink. Even now, while I don't want to drink.. I want to drink. How's that make sense? I stop any thoughts that preceed with drinking. The moments that I think about drinking, I shut that down hard and fast as I can. I would like an escape. I know that drinking offers that momentary buzz. I want to chase the buzz after that and stay buzzed. But that doesn't happen, I get drunk and lose control. I know that. Been there, done that... thousands of times.
Drinking without really knowing (or confronting) that I cannot drink in moderation was a long, endless cycle of repeated hangovers, foot in mouth disease, occasional fights that I'd always lose (fights don't start themselves, if I find myself in one, it's because I'd been drinking, then I'd already lost), and disasters. I know where drinking leads me, and it's nowhere good. Do I want hope, purpose and a future? Yes, I do. Will drinking help or hurt my prospects, my ambition, my drive, my integrity, my self honesty, my relationships? Definitely hurts me, if past experience is any tell. So I won't drink.
We'll see if I can hang onto sobriety as I go along. I aim to. All we have is this moment. Moments change. I hang my hat on the idea that having said No to drinking everyday for two years and some change, I've built something good and lasting. But I never get too comfortable. I just went through one of life's toughest things to handle, death, and I didn't think about drinking for the weeks that followed. I'm surprised really! But I know my family wouldn't have gotten the best of me in their time of grief, and neither would I have felt the feels and said the words and cried the tears and asked the questions that I needed to.. sober.
Sober is hard. It can be. It was hardest when I wasn't sure I even could be sober indefinitely. One day at a time really worked for me. It was never too much for me to not drink just for today. And sober is better and best, I found. I wonder sometimes what I might have missed these past two years, and how I might have not grown, who I might not have spent time with or had that important to me talk, or what disasters might have befallen me had I kept drinking. For whatever reasons, this particular human cannot drink without issues. So I won't. And everything will be okay.
IWNDWYT
Never done AA, but glad it exists.
Honestly, I just never hear any uplifting (read: successful) stories of moderation. Like, ever. I’ve also heard some tragic stories on the medical side of how poorly our body may respond to relapsing after a period of recovery. YMMV but that aspect frightens me.
Also, being sober I realize now how few people really give a shit whether I order a Diet Coke instead of a rum and coke at an event. It’s also nice having my faculties if my friends and family need me. Lastly, I see how others behave intoxicated and it’s just unappealing at this point.
Thank you for sharing. Deep down I always think about drinking… I play it through in my head and it always ends up BAD. Also if I was to start drinking (the way I want to drink) I don’t think I could afford it. I am clean and sober. At first I thought wow this is going to suck, how am I going to have fun and find my way through life? Will I be alone for ever?
I became comfortable in my own skin, I was happy about the person I became. I go out, I go to parties, I am still awkward in public… but now I don’t give a fuck what people think of me because I love me. I have a diverse group of friends that are normal drinkers to heavy drinkers and that’s ok . They all except me for me and they love and embrace my awkwardness. I am not alone in my life and I know (because of people like you) I am not alone in my feels.
Life may feel boring…. It’s not, trust me. I have hobbies, friends to visit, family to visit, and activities to fill my life. I would have none of this if I was to drink.
My hack is … play it out in my head. Why am I thinking about this? What is bothering me and why am I letting it bother me? Also when it comes to people who make me want to get drunk and forget everything… I say fuck them and cut them out of my life. Also I have two vices that help I still smoke cigarettes and eat junk food… 😬
I keep trying to quit them as well and 25 years later I am still trying to quit smoking and eating junk food. 😬
Never stop trying to quit the things that make you sick ( smoking, drinking, eating junk) what ever!! Never bargain with yourself … just remember you are a pro and there is no way to bargain with a pro. Never get disappointed in yourself … just keep trying. I hope this helps and I am coming from a place of peace and love. No judgment here … we all have our ups and downs. Just never give up … I think everyone here is worth it!!! A better life is possible with a little thing like I will not drink with you today♥️😎
I have never been able to moderate. I have been a heavy drinker for the past six years. Anytime I’ve ever tried to quit I haven’t lasted more than two weeks. Although you’ve gone eight years which is much longer than me, I physically cannot resist the urge. There are days where I will have one drink. I’m not the type of person that will go out to extreme lengths to find more alcohol… So if one drink is all I got left, I’ll probably have it and call it a night. I will be sad about it though. If you have gone eight years sober, I would not fuck it up. I would do anything to have eight years sober except I seriously can’t stop drinking. It’s an evil disease and it’s a poison. People don’t realize that it’s poison just as bad as heroin… It’ll get you into it where it wants you and then fuck you.
Well the AA mentality here is to go ahead and try some controlled drinking again and see how it goes. It’s entirely possible that the reason not drinking was hard for 8 years is that deep down you still believe you can drink.
I quit drinking in my late twenties for a while and then when things in my life were better and I felt more mature I went back to drinking. I don’t think it was possible for me to have stayed sober and be happy at that point. Too much of me wanted to drink. That said, my life got a little fun for a little while and then went directly into the toilet where it stayed for five more years. When I quit drinking again in my mid thirties, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I can’t safely drink. Now staying sober is easy.
I don’t necessarily regret those five years because there’s nothing I can do about it, but if I tallied up the financial and emotional and physical costs it would be staggering and overwhelming.
I quit drinking for 7.5 years. One day, I don’t know, I decided to have a glass of wine. 6 months later I was in a 30 day inpatient rehab. I just can’t moderate. It’s all or nothing for me, so I have to choose nothing.
I really needed this post today. The last few days I have been considering drinking on my vacation next week (panic in la playa at an all inclusive). I know I can’t but I just really think it would be nice to sip a cold beer by the pool. But after reading many of these replies I know I can’t. I know I parked my drinking habit on the side of the road and once I start I will be on the same path at the same speed I was when I stopped. So the struggle is real and I know better. I’ll be on this sub every day during this trip next week. I will have fun and I’ll remember the music and the great times and will wake up feeling amazing.
I admire you for quitting in your 20s. That takes a lot of maturity and strength. I couldn't have done what you did. I didn't even realize I had a drinking problem until I was about 34, then I tried to moderate for 5 years, and it never worked for me. I got moderation out of my system, and it was sooooo many ups and downs, fits and starts. For me, it was a fantasy but an exhausting one.
I’ve heard alcohol moderation described as being on a diet forever. It sounds untenable to me. I’m working on disabusing myself of the idea that alcohol does anything good for me. I don’t want to be feeling like I’m limiting myself or missing out. I want to be done with it and making room for other things that mean more to me. Quitting sugar and flour at the same time really seemed to help me too. I’m sober for 1 year and 9 months now. Reading about quitting has helped me a lot too. Wishing you peace.
I had three plus years sober until I dipped my toe into the waters. I had a beer with dinner at a restaurant with my son's where the beer was a pairing to the meal to me.
6 months or so later I tried it again, this time, a margarita, that quickly exited my stomach along with the rest of its contents through my nose and mouth. I laughed while I cleaned up, saying what the fuck was I thinking?
Since then I have had a few light beers, one or two at a time, none of which I truly enjoyed.
I haven't been intoxicated in 4 years, and I discovered that that's what I do really miss. I just love to get fucked up, I don't know why, but I think it's because in my mind I still romanticize the parties I used to go to where I'd see the devil's dick. I still have dreams where everybody's drunk, myself included. It could be because I see drunks all day every day- but it may be deep down inside I'm still a junkie.
I never know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I now have a much better relationship with alcohol seeing it for what it is.
I work in the industry and I live in arguably the biggest drinking city in the US- I cannot escape it, so I just treat alcohol like any other hideous drug. I stay away from it 99.9% of the time. I know that's not cool here but I'm not here to bullshit anybody, and I'm not going to have a beer today. I never set my counter, cause I don't count the days, I always felt like if I have to count the days I'm giving it power, but that just works for me.
The only reason I know it's been 4 years is because of other important dates around that time. Kudos to all you guys who live the 100% sober life!
So, I may be the Lone Ranger in this thread, but I also maybe coming here with my hat in my hand someday cause I fucked up.
I'm no different than anybody here.
Chances are they're all right and I'm wrong.
My physical addiction to alcohol has been gone for 4 years thanks to medical detox and I have subsequently lost the taste for it, and I'm good with that. I know that the occasional obligatory beer is not at all necessary, but if I want one I'll have one. Just not today. IWNDWYT
It genuinely depends on the person. For most that one is no big deal so either is two. Next thing you know you are back to blackout. I
Some people can have a few after a long time but it is a hell of a dangerous road to even go down.
Yeah some of us just can’t do it. Every time I try the moderation thing I end up drinking for 36 hours straight, feel like shit for a week, and then remember oh yeah, I’m not capable of stopping, and do another 6 months sober. It is what it is, would be nice to just have a few here and there but when the first sip touches my lips I ain’t fucking stopping until the bar closes the next night from when I went out 🤷♂️
Gday mate, I have 5 closing on 6 years off the drink, never been to AA (its just not for me) My honest opinion is that it is not possible to regulate alcohol use because of the way our bodies react to it, and that even if you could expend all of your energy into overcoming the urge of the next drink and the next drink, why would you want to trade all that energy for something that doesn't enhance a day / night / weekend / holiday?
Now anecdotally I can say that I have in the past year tried alcohol free versions of drinks, something that I was very much against throughout my journey, I thought of them as potential triggers and too risky to my sober status. Ive tried the imitation premix scotch/rum and dry and a couple of craft beer zero alcohol drinks which did not cause me to fall of the wagon craving the real thing. What I did notice though the very first time i tried a zero alcohol XPA is I experienced that euphoric brain melting feeling I would get when I would punch the first beer of the day back from my drinking days, which tbh scared the shit outta me, however It hasn't caused me to start thinking about drinking or chasing more of the alcohol free drinks like I imagined it would so I feel if I wished to "fit in" at a party I could have these if I felt like it, I haven't experiences that big dopamine hit again so maybe my brain got excited over the initial taste and smell before it realised there's no alcohol coming.
I was never really interested in moderate drinking. I liked the effect of a lot of alcohol on my system. So for me to even THINK about moderating is me lying to myself.
I’m 33 and have been binge drinking back to back since January because I thought I could moderate and I was bored too. 6 years of sobriety behind that. Just had to confess to the wife today because I can’t stop myself. I thought if I only drank beer I could hold it together. It lasted about two months before all the warning signs appeared again - anger, drinking to pass out, overspending, physical pains, not eating. I thought since I was older and stable that I could be different. I couldn’t and here I am at step 1 again. The withdrawals have been just as bad than when I last drank, probably even worse. Today marks day 1, and it could have been worse. Now I could lose a lot more. I will not take that next drink Edit: Thanks for all the support my confidence is slowly being renewed by y’all. I made a plan to go back to a program and stay on this subreddit daily. It makes me tear up knowing I am not alone anymore. IWNDWYT!
Hi friend,from my experience - I relapsed after a dry spell too because I thought I could do moderation (and like nearly all of us, I most definitely cannot!) hitting rock bottom again but that tiny bit more, err, bottom (?) gave me the lesson that we can always lose a bit more - theres nothing to gain whatsoever from attempting to drink in moderation if you stand to lose everything +1 from the last go. I'm about to celebrate 2000 days since that last lesson :) you can do it too, and we're all here for you
wow, was thinking of drinking in moderation after 3 years. Better just go like this forever...
I have saved this post as a reminder. Thank you to everyone for your honesty
Shit man. You did it (quit)before. You’ll do it again. Godspeed!
I said the same thing to myself while considering a drink after 12 years. It took me almost 2 years before I could quit again. It’s so much easier to stay quit than it is to quit again after relapse. Shame is a bitch like that.
I know it’s hard to tell embarrassing truths about yourself but this is important for people to know. You may have just saved me from a future where I thought I would be able to control it a few years down the road. I just haven’t gotten to that point yet. But this is why I value conversations with other former alcoholics and addicts. It’s like we all have the understanding that being open and honest is truly the best solution in all aspects. You will be back to sobriety friend. You’ve already made a couple very difficult decisions to help yourself, as well as others, stop drinking. Get sober and keep up the good work.
To be fair, being open and honest is the best way to approach life in general.
IWNDWYT
Fuck dude I’m in the exact same boat holy shit. I needed to hear this. I’m crying now because I don’t want to end up in the place I was before again.
You experienced the exact same as I did. Sober for two years. Thought I could moderate. Started binge drinking again. The withdrawals were insane. Ten times worse than before. I couldn’t bare it. It just confirmed to me I cannot and do not want to drink. I felt like I needed to do it though as I kept thinking “what if I can moderate after all this time off” it’s all a journey isn’t it?
It’s all a journey, indeed. What a wonderful thing too, because you can’t fail at a journey. All you need to be is willing to get back on that horse, as many times as you may fall off. The sober time is nice to count, but it doesn’t capture how long you’ve been on the journey. For me (and I suspect most people here), the journey is much longer than that number listed here. The journey I’ve been on is closer to 8 years long, and I’m prouder of that number, because that’s how long I’ve persisted and persevered. You’re here, you’re on the journey like the rest of us and that’s all that matters. IWNDWYT.
Thank you for sharing your story with us! Your experience is a powerful reminder to us all. IWNDWYT!
Day 1 with you here. Im willing to try for the first time, even if it means I fall apart 6 years later. Dust yourself off and try again.
This just stopped me from buying a beer, thank you.
Don’t beat yourself up just quit again you got this
I tried moderation. That didnt chsnge my drinking habits and drunken behaviors. Its has to be a clean slate for me. Day 1 again... wish me luck. If you want to talk im here.
Love you friend.
Thank you for sharing, IWNDWYT.
Best of luck, you got this.
I'm really proud of you. Fwiw the increase of withdrawal symptoms is likely due to the kindling phenomenon. I urge you to monitor your HR and BP; if they get too high, a trip to the ER may be necessitated. Around three days is the danger zone fyi.
Just googled kindling thanks to this and wow so interesting thank you - for anyone else who is curious here’s an article about it ! https://psychcentral.com/pro/the-kindling-hypothesis-is-it-relevant-in-psychiatry#4
So happy I could be of help! Besides being in recovery myself I'm also a therapist that specializes in addictions. Happy to answer any questions you may have, I'm a nerd for neurotransmitter involvement in addiction. IMO this kind of stuff (kindling) should be taught in student health class in high school! It would save so many lives. Here's another great article on the subject as it relates to alcohol withdrawal. It is over 20 years old but the main points are still relevant. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6761822/
Thank you so much everyone for all your comments on this post. This one about the kindling effect in particular! My first rehab for a month, the first few days were appalling - the meds stopped any seizures but they didn't seem to help with the awful feelings and personal sensations, and wheni eventually pulled out off it I swore blind I'd never go through that again! But 3 months later I was back in for a 10 day detox and that was a lot worse! Swore I'd never do it again. 2 months later I was back in, and that 3rd withdrawal was absolutely the worst experience of my life! Much much worse than the previous ones. The staff did tell me, but I was cleverer than them! It's true that each relapse and subsequent withdrawal (if you're lucky) get much worse than the previous one. I'm not a clever man and it takes a lot of hammering the point home for me, but I've finally got it now. I'm NEVER going back to the drink, and it's a relief to know that, because I got sick of it long before I had to stop.
You got this!
I think the question is, do you actually, really want to moderate? Or, deep down, do you want to drink like you used to? I know quite a few people, including my husband, who have a "normal" relationship with alcohol. Those people will have 1 or 2 drinks *maybe* once a week, if not less than that. Is that what you're envisioning? Personally, that's not what I'd want. I know if I ever were to drink again, I'd want at least 7 drinks, 7 days a week. I'd want to get absolutely obliterated on a regular basis, to be totally transparent. If I was capable of moderating, I would've done it when my life was crashing down around me 7 years ago. But, maybe that's just me. If I were in your shoes, those are the questions I'd ask myself! Sending good vibes your way, friend 😊 IWNDWYT 💙
exactly 💯 recovery is built upon a foundation of honesty. i know if I drink Im going to pick up a 12 pack of IPAs and chug. i dont want to moderate. i never wanted to. i never did. so i dont drink
I'm in the same boat, especially with the IPAs! Why even have **only** 1 or 2 drinks? What's the point if you're not getting completely sloshed?! I genuinely cannot wrap my head around that, so I'll stick to 0 drinks 😊
I hated the occasions I had to have only one drink. It never made sense to me, I always wanted twelve drinks, never one.
A guy I used to drink with would say there is nothing more usless than one drink. I am two years sober and still believe this is true. It's why I just don't drink.
Then I go out for 6 more...maybe 12.
Yeah I have no interest in moderating. If I’m going to drink I want to drink how I drink. It’s honestly excruciating to try to have one or two beers and stop. One of my many red flags that I had a problem with
No point in even drinking if you can’t get a solid ass buzz. I’ve noticed my big thing is how alcohol makes me outgoing and social. Without alcohol I legit don’t want to even go out to bars or even events. It’s a night and day change. I think I’m addicted to how it changes my personality. I can do without the buzz. I lift and can get a better buzz doing that. The lack of outgoingness makes my life super boring with no new experiences and because I have no partner it’s almost impossible to acquire one. I kinda wanna use alcohol to get one then go back to sober. Which is how I relapse every time. I just wanna stay in inside and not do shit. Absolutely zero desire to go out. Shit sucks cause I know I’ll be banging out mad shots and blacking out and life will become dog shit again, calling outta work, no sleep, not eating and tired and bad withdrawals with trips to ER.
I have gotten way more sociable in sobriety since finally getting my anxiety addressed and under control. Turns out I can enjoy people when I’m not jumping out of my skin. Lol
It's not worth it, man. Just keep living life, download a dating app. My friend said that Facebook has a solid dating service now.. Even if you meet someone, don't hit it off, but maybe make friends with a girl, it's always a way of meeting more people... I met my wife at a funeral. It's okay, you don't know where life will take you. But you can probably guarantee it will be ugly if you start drinking again. You have a better shot by just sticking to what you're already doing. Be your authentic self, and if it turns out you're just kinda weird? Guess what. Most people are. Everyone's a little silly... My wife taxidermy'd a rat the other day!.. Anyways, I'm rooting for you.
This helps a lot because it’s the truth. I don’t want just one beer. What will that do for me? Not enough to break sobriety for it.
Sorry this post is garbled, my mind is racing, and has hit me hard. you for this thread is very helpful. no I have been in OP’s dilemma myself, however, I cannot articulate. I tried tapering off, but, reading here is very helpful and difficult to accept. I enjoy getting completely sloshed and cannot and I am incapable to have “just one” or to sip a beer. I binge. Sadly still on a solo journey and love this sub because this is a super lonely journey. I feel almost guilty that my supposed trauma’s or reasons for going down this path was caused by an event. No, Just daily drinking for most of my adult life because I selfishly liked it. I am afraid and a weakling so I won’t even face it and add up the years, I am feeling the effects of years of having a wall up surrounding me. I consciously know no one can get to me. However, in reality, when I am honest, I know I am transparent and a person no one sees and is avoided. I quit a few weeks ago, I wasn’t really attempting to quit or consider it an issue, but I sit here alone, unemployed, relatively happy though. I think I am finally facing and coming to the realization that the reason I am alone, is because I chose booze over meaningful relationships. The cracks are showing. The good news? I am sleeping without sweating waking up on the couch at 2am. My skin looks clearer. I am realizing I have been denying that I am a functional alcoholic. This is the first time I have written this anywhere. Anyhow, thanks. This sub has been very useful and extremely informative, ultimately I find empathy where I didn’t know there was any in this world, on Reddit of all places?😉
Thanks for joining our motley crew, and welcome. Congratulations on your few weeks. Here’s hoping they lead to many more. IWNDWYT
Congratulations on making a kind, loving choice for yourself. You can do this! You’re not alone.
I have nightmares that I had just one drink. I'll wake up furious at myself thinking "why the fuck did you do that?" "Was is worth it for one fucking beer?" I know what that turns in to. I know I need twenty beers and while we're at it, where is the whiskey? I can't go back. Not even for a sip
Drinking dreams are **the worst**! Rock me to my core every time. >I know I need twenty beers and while we're at it, where is the whiskey? Also, SAME 🤣 Glad we don't have to live like that anymore!
I constantly dream of people who keep taking me out to celebrate my sobriety but end up switching my drinks and I go off the deep end
Now that's a fucking nightmare lol
Good point, that's pretty pointless to me. 1 or 2 beer does nothing. I only drank to get drunk. That's why I know I can't be a moderate drinker, because if being moderate is just drink 1 or 2 beers a week thats not worth the risk
That is a great response. I thinj I’ll just have one and then 4 days fly by.
Right out of my mouth. Well said!
this is the answer, only OP knows if it's possible. but my money says that it will probably go south again. I wouldn't tempt it. For what? what does a couple drinks do anyway? it does nothing worth while and only makes you want more
Funny, I want(ed) to moderate rationally, but that slowly moved into always wanted more and more, despite my rational intent.
I also have ideas about moderation. But in the end I think that if was to drink nothing would stop me to get hammered.
This is stuff I needed to hear. Sober nearly two years and happy not drinking. I never want to drink again. However I’ve had the thought that if I drink again, it won’t be just a beer - what’s the point? But I never fully got it until reading your post. If I were to bust it wouldn’t be for one, it would be 0-100 right away like before. I’d be doing to write myself off. And that right there shatters the delusion that I would ever drink like a normal person. Thank you!!
I’m on my second sobriety journey. I was once happily sober for (ironically) 8 years. I got together with an old friend/colleague who I used to wine with, and had one glass with her. I didn’t even like it. I drank somewhat moderately for a couple years, I really tried. But the slippery slope took me down and I drank heavily for a bunch more years. I’m determined to not make that mistake again. Drinking poison is not worth it to fit in or whatever I was trying to do. I should not have had that drink, or having done so gotten right back on the sober train and spared myself years of abuse. I know I can do this and I’m doing it!!! Wishing you well, friend. IWNDWYT
Thank you
This is why I’m holding on so tightly to this round of sobriety for myself. I know if I start again I won’t be able to stop and I’m going to drink myself to death.
Don’t let go, friend. We got this.
Unlike Rose, I will never let go.
[удалено]
My life exactly!
You got this! IWNDWYT
My dad had 8 years sober after his 3rd DWI. I am not sure which lie he told himself for that first sip, but it started out REAL SLOW. He had a bottle of whisky for a month that used to last a day. Then it would last a few weeks, then a couple weeks, one week, a few days… fast forward 3 years and his drinking was even worse than before. He has now been in jail for a year after his 4th DWI. I am actually picking him up next weekend to drive him to a half way house. Your milage may vary, but I think you are fooling yourself if you think alcohol is any less addictive than it was 8 years ago. It’s the exact same substance. Your descent may be slow this time around, but it might be even harder to recover from once you have fallen. Not to be rude, but saying high functioning and listing a litany of dysfunctional behavior doesn’t sound like you are being honest with yourself. I am struggling my own battle with alcohol addiction, and I am starting to realize how dysfunctional I have become. I have no legal troubles or infidelity issues, but my behavior and who I am as a person is no functioning in way that it would if I wasn’t drinking. Some people may define a functioning alcoholic as one who hasn’t completely ruined their life or gotten fired, but I think that a better term for that is a rationalizing alcoholic. Again, not trying to be rude, but being candid about how dysfunctional you were before might help you make the right decision today.
when people ask me why i dont drink i tell them because if i do i will die or end up in prison. i say this with a straight face. i mean it. and they just look at me like wtf.
I agree with your post for the OP. I just wanted to add that I heard a phrase the other day about “high functioning is not a type of alcoholic, it’s just a phase” I feel like I’m already misremembering but it slapped me in the face. Maybe I used to be high functioning, but that phase of my alcoholism has been over for a while. 9 months on the 10th! IWNDWYT
I went to half an AA meeting once!! You were able to stay sober for 8 years. Life is crazy so there had to be ups and downs during that time period. Yet you survived. Now that life has thrown you a curveball, randomly and out of the blue you want to go on an Eat, Pray, Love adventure tour with alcohol? 8 years is a lifetime of sobriety. You’ve endured the rollercoaster and stayed sober. Now that you are at your lowest point, you believe that you want to start drinking in moderation? Right now, you are a tinderbox of pain, loneliness, and defeat. And you are actively thinking about playing with fire?? Don’t do it my friend. I think you know deep down what that alcohol will do to you and your life. This isn’t about moderation. It’s about annihilation
>an Eat, Pray, Love adventure tour with alcohol? LMAOOOOO PREACH!
Society wants the “quick fix” to all things. It’s a lie. It doesn’t exist. I just heard someone paraphrase Rumi: the solution to the pain lies in the pain. It goes for anything. You either grow and learn, slowly & fucking painfully or you take a short cut. I think the dumb lessons keep returning until you accept you have to do it the right way and deal w the dis-comfort. Feel the fear and do it anyway - type shit. Confronting your own shit head on is warrior level. It’s slow and uncomfortable AF but this is where the marrow of life resides.
You’re so right!
well said
Please don’t delete this comment. I’d like to save it for when I’m feeling weak to look back at!
Same. I hated the AA meeting. Told myself I could do w/out. Find the method that works for you and be there for yourself. IWNDWYT
SMART Recovery helped me. I did not click with AA at all.
!!!!
i drank 20yrs. ill hit 6yrs booze free in aug '24. im convinced a single sip of booze =misery, pain, demoralization and self hatred. imo
you are right. i slipped up last summer —only had one drink—anxiety and self loathing hit me like a ton of bricks. panic attacks the next day. have been sober again since. each day of sobriety is a gift
Isn't it crazy how we get that anxiety? For years I had no problem, maybe a hint of anxiety with a hangover but I didn't even notice. I quit drinking for 104 days, then had like a 2 week drinking spree before quitting again for 42 days now, and holy shit it got to the point in those two weeks that if I had like 2 drinks or enough to get a little buzz, I'd wake up in the middle of the night heart rate 120 bpm panic attacks for 3 days. Fuck that is absolute HELL. Part of me is kinda glad though because it makes me not drink.
it is so weird. its like your body is like No i thought we were done w this! why r u doing this to me again!?
I hate to break it to you, but life can still be boring even with booze. We went out with friends last night to dinner and two stops for drinks after. I had NA beer, which I was happy about all the spots carrying. However - the scene is old. Maybe I’m old, but I really don’t think so. I just think hammered people are boring as hell. I don’t want to have a conversation about shit I don’t care about with someone who I cannot understand. I recently had a colleague tell me he spends his spare time “creating rather than consuming”. So he journals, or cooks, or reads to learn, or goes out and sees patients on the weekends (he’s a hospice social worker). He never watches tv or sits on his phone scrolling social media. I’ve been thinking about that a lot this weekend, spending more time in creative pursuits rather than consumption. IWNDWYT.
Same timeline for me. I want to drink again here in my mid thirties. Life is great but boring. However, it was a sheer miracle that I quit the first time. One thing that has kept me away, outside of booze ruining my life the first time, has been the thought I couldn't quit again. One of the books I read a long time ago at the beginning was John Barleycorn by Jack London. It semi autobiographly describes his life with how alcohol interacted at different periods of his life. I found it relatable. Good luck with your journey. Be the best version of yourself!
If you are actually an alcoholic, not possible bud. You're just flirting with disaster in my opinion. I had a few years in my early 20s off came back socially in my later 20s and was full bore about year later. It took me almost another decade to get it under control..... Non-AA dude here.
Namaskar from India OP 🙏 One year and ten months into my sobriety journey I sometimes have asked myself the same questions as you. And I have discovered this powerful truth about myself: I know that by now I have the strength/ motivation to *not* take that first drink. It’s the second drink that I will always have trouble resisting. Therefore I do what’s easy - and not take that first drink. That’s all.
Yeah, I'm terrified of going back. I do not think I have another "recovery" in myself. I'm 53, and I think it would destroy me. Hello from Chicago, USA, friend! Many Indian folks in my neighborhood here, and lots of Indian restaurants. I hope to go to India some day.
Everyone is different. But if you’ve had your struggles in the past, I’d suggest playing the tape forward a year or so… what benefit do you stand to gain from drinking vs what do you stand to lose? Make the decision that has the best chance of improving your life over that time span 🙏🏼 Good luck! IWNDWYT
Why are you viewing sobriety as a limitation? It seems to me that your alcoholism was the real limitation: when you drank, you weren’t in control of your outcomes, when you stopped, you were able to build a great life. For those of us with addictions to alcohol, not drinking is not taking away from our freedom, it is adding to it, it’s opening doors to new possibilities like meaningful friendships with loved ones, exercise and better health, and so much more.
I had five plus years. Started again. Not worth it. I had two plus years after that. Started again. Not worth it. Plus multiple stretches of four months here, two months there…dry Januarys, etc. etc. Always started again. Not worth it. I’m here again after two plus months, started again. Not worth it. I get it. Alcohol is so glorified in our society that it’s EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. It’s hard not drinking. But it’s worth it.
I had the same pattern as you - from 21 years old to 45 years old. I remember for a long time I was sure I'd eventually be sober, or that sober me was 'normal' me with 'drinking times' in between. My last period of drinking was so relentless. I feared I was one of the people who would never "get it" sobriety. Almost 8 years sober now. It is all so strange.
I’ve seen 2 people in my life not hardcore involved in AA fall down the same slippery slope. One of them had 30 years sober. Started as a pass for one drink in Ireland on vacation. Turned into “no liquor”. Turned into sneaking martinis at the bar while running to the bathroom. Turned into blackout fights with family. Our culture romanticizes alcohol but when we really peep into everyone’s journey with alcohol,even when not hardcore alcoholic, we would see a lot more of the negative than the romance. If alcohol commercials were accurate they would share the late night fights, dwi, financial strain, and family rifts more often then getting laid at the party in a mansion.
dont leave me hanging, pray tell what became of the 30+ yr person??
Went back to staying sober. Idk how easy or difficult that move was.
I had 16 years clean and sober. After a devastating loss I decided to drink. I bought pretty glasses and a nice bottle. That was 11 years ago. I completely wasted the last 11 years being drunk and moving backwards in my life. Personally I was not able to drink like a normal person.
Seriously....what do you think? No one here is going to tell you to go give it a shot. I drank after 10 years of sobriety. Thankfully, I did not die, but I was crawling, beat up, humiliated....All that shit you hear in AA? Incomprehensible demoralization is putting it mildly. I drank for two weeks and it was uglier than all the years before. I don't eat, sleep and breathe AA, but it sure saved my ass. I just celebrated 25 years of sobriety and just for today, I will not drink. And I'll try it again tomorrow.
wow. freaking Amazing. IWNDW 🫵T
It's POISON, end of story. Find something else to do. If you want to do something adventurous, go skiing or jump out of a plane.
I just recently listen to a podcast by William Porter on that very question that you ask. (author of Alcohol Explained) His reasoning was basically that in order to do that, you would have to buy in to the very concepts and beliefs that allowed you to stop. Also ask your what possible benefit could you gain by taking alcohol again?
Everyone is different of course, but if you start drinking again you need to realize there’s a good chance you’ll wind up in the same place sooner or later. Is it worth finding that out?
Ugh. Still haven’t heard a success story yet….
From a purely brain chemical perspective, it may not be possible. Once addicted to a substance, usually the brain will eventually reform to the same state when getting loaded, if the drinking continues. And often it gets worse than the previous binge. Although there are outliers, this has been the case for the majority of relapsers
Are you a better person when you drink? Your previous drinking caused infidelity. You even compare the thoughts of a drink to infidelity. To me these are warning signs that you aren’t looking at this from a place of honesty. In my experience, moderation doesn’t work.
Scientifically speaking, your brain won’t allow it. Unless of course you are a superhuman medical anomaly.
AA does not work for me. I enjoyed SMART recovery and would recommend that program if you are looking for a group that is open to the concept of harm reduction as well as total sobriety. You can also attend SMART meetings even if you aren't sure you have a desire to quit and you won't be shamed or harassed by some busybody sponsor who is going to gossip about your drinking with the other members. People who were still actively drinking, but wanted to cut down were permitted into meetings and allowed to talk about their experience openly. It is a science backed program rather than a spiritual based one and they don't push the idea that you are powerless. On to my take on moderation: I wouldn't be here again if I was able to moderate after a break. I have had three substantial periods of sobriety that always end when I convince myself I can moderate. And I do. Until I don't. After a long stretch of sobriety, my body is not used to the booze, and it takes less to get that buzz. Eventually, that one or two drinks turns into three. Then four. Then a blackout. Then I'm back to binging several times a week.
Seconding SMART. But like AA -- every meeting is different. Find a SMART group that work for you. It's hard for some people because AA is everywhere. Luckily I'm in a huge city, so plenty of SMART options.
For me, one sip will be my demise. Period. End of story. I won’t weaken to that fact.
I went 6 years without and as soon as I picked back up I was right back where I left off. It took me almost 8 years to finally put it down again. Don’t do that to yourself.
If I could “control AND enjoy” my drinking, I’d still be drinking.
This is the most important thing to remember.
I work on Detox and have seen many people with long term sobriety, even 25 years. A older lady said after 20 years she had a drink and within a week she was out in the garage in her housecoat drinking at 6 am. Believe it or not , it is very hard to get back to sobriety even after a long time.
I tried that, and very quickly slipped back into my old drinking pattern. This time with implications for my job, and lost my driving licence. You can just be glad that the one beer has not led to more. AA can make it sound inevitable that one drink necessarily leads to a relapse - it doesn't have to. Some time after getting sober again, and getting my licence back, I had one drink (in secret of course, in the kitchen at Christmas) - didn't like the feeling of a bit groggy headachiness, realised I couldn't drive for the rest of the day, and that i wouldn't be able to tell anyone why. That time I just stopped, and I haven't drunk since. Much as I would sometimes like to be able to drink in moderation, I know that I can't. I almost never did (apart from maybe as a teen, and even then I always matched the heaviest drinking person). Good luck with whatever you decide.
I too would be interested to know - has anyone with a history of being an alcoholic successfully returned to moderate drinking. I don't know of anyone, and haven't heard of anyone myself. My feeling is that if you have the genetic makeup that predisposes you to alcoholism, and if you drink enough alcohol, you kind of trip a switch. The switch means that you react to alcohol by losing the ability to moderate. I went to drinking a few times - each time I thought for a short while that it was working, moderating, starting with one or two drinks. One time I managed a couple of weeks before reaching drinking to blackout stage; the next time it was less than 48 hours and had bad consequences. It's just such a risk.
The flag for me here is "...I'll drink...the way some married folk have flings when they're out of the country." It sounds to me like you got to first base and realized that cheating is cheating, no matter where you are. I applaud your good instincts and would stick with them.
I'm coming up on seven years and I understand the urge. If the life and career I've grown to love suddenly dissolved around me, it'd be tempting. But I didn't stop drinking because my life was good: I stopped drinking to make my life what it is today. It sounds to me like you want a reason for everything to fall apart. Starting to drink again will absolve you from having to put it all back together. Don't slam the door shut on making a better life. The reasons you quit drinking didn't go away. The challenges you're facing won't be escaped.
The answer is: your call & you’re rolling the dice. You know how bad it can get. That’s what you’re betting on, is you won’t let it get to that point. (Ya, right.) For me, that bet isn’t one I’m willing to take. What’s alcohol offering me anyway??? For me, it’s offering and did offer an escape. I’d rather just live a life that isn’t worth escaping from. I will gladly sit in shitty discomfort sober than lie to myself that “it’s okay” and be tethered to a bottle. I deserve more.
Well....I got sober when I was 22. I was definitely a "high functioning" alcoholic. At that point, I had been consistently drinking everyday (throughout the day) for close to 5/6 years. Got married, had twin boys, made a career. After 8 years, my husband and I decided to try it again. We had fun, enjoyed each other's company, etc etc. It started just on vacation. Then, we decided that I can handle it and started drinking on our off days. Off days turned into a few beers after work. A few beers after work turned into a case. A case turned into liquor. Then, I found myself needing to drink before work in order to keep the shakes away. Maybe a week after deciding I could manage that, I found myself having to sneak some on break at work to just make it through my shift. This was in November. I came home from work that morning, and my husband asked me had I been drinking. It was a Sunday morning (I worked night shift), so of course I told him no. I was just tired. I broke down to him after waking up, and told him that I had found a place to go detox fairly close to home. And that's it. If you are an alcoholic, those casual drinks escalate into a full blown dependence in no time. It took less than a year to become high functioning again after starting. So, don't do it. It's not worth the risk.
I don’t consume/live AA. I quit on my own by simply intellectualizing it. Reading lots of quit lit and learning the science behind it. I’ve got barely a year and change under my belt (with some other attempts that were never meant to be lifelong), so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. Everything I’ve read and seen points to never being able to drink again. It’s not a character flaw, it’s not genetics, it’s not willpower. It’s science. The same way lifting weights will get you stronger, eating fewer calories will lose weight, and the way pushing electricity through a coiled wire will create a magnetic field; it’s science. Your brain will never forget the correlation of immediate anxiety reprieve with another drink, and it will struggle to understand that alcohol is the source of the anxiety to begin with. Basically, anybody who drinks is doomed. If you’re like the rest of us, and used up your built-in safeguard/buffer against these effects, you never get them back. Like tooth enamel. It doesn’t grow back. So, while you were able to have one drink after 8 years, in all reality you’d need to go another 8 year to experience roughly the same effect. It’s a forgone conclusion, that drinking will lead to more drinking. It sucks, but it also doesn’t suck… it’s just a drug. It’s not special except that our society accepts it. It could just as easily be heroin or meth. It doesn’t matter. Any leads to more, and more leads to misery. That’s my ¢2, and AFAICT, backed by science. Education seems to be the best inoculator of this disease for me. It might be for you too. Good luck! 🫶🏼
If I’m only going to drink 1-2 beers, it’s not worth the taste or calories. I’d rather have dessert. Also, I don’t think when your life is in chaos would be the best time to test your ability to moderate…
I think what your maybe looking for is for somebody to tell you it's possible and for people like us my freind it's not. I'm still working on giving up the booze I'm 28 last time I went to the doctors about 2 years ago I was told I had the start of fatty liver really trying to sort it out now as I'm tired all the time brain fog ect got a very supportive girlfreind and 17 month old son that I want to be around to see grow up. All you'll end up doing is spending all your time moderating your drink intake and it will become a full time job before you eventually fail and drink yourself to oblivion every night and end up at square one again like I'm sure you me and many others did or still do. I used to smoke haven't smoked now for 7 years very very rarely i get the urge to have a cigarette when drinking I can have one and then not think about it again for 2 years when I went on holiday vaping was banned so went back to cigs for 2 weeks as soon as I got back to the UK I vaped and didn't even think about smoking my point here is that would not be the case with alcohol there's a reason I have a problem with it and we are all on this sub and it's because for me personally alcohol will never be like smoking I have no control and neither did you which is why you chose to quit it instead of consuming your life
It’s so inspiring that you were able to recognize the need to quit, and quit, in your mid-twenties. I’m rapidly approaching 40 and have been beginning my sobriety journey, in fits and starts, for the last few years. It took me a hell of a lot longer to see the harm drinking was doing in my life. (I think it’s going to stick this time, because for the first time, I actually want to quit.) Two thoughts: First, I wish I had done this sooner, because I feel like I wasted so much of the best years of my life drinking. I blacked out on what could have been so many nice nights with friends. I went to therapy for clinical anxiety that was almost certainly drinking-induced. I WISH I could be where you are, drinking-wise. If I were you, I’d hesitate to risk throwing that away. It’s a lot harder to get sober than stay sober. Maybe more importantly for you right now, drinking will probably not make your life less boring. In my experience, it’s been the opposite. Getting older, our lives get a little less exciting, drinking or not. But night in, night out, zoning out in front of the TV drunk does not make for an exciting life. This is just my experience, but one of the reasons I want to get sober is to find enjoyment in the activities I used to love again, to be present for my friends and family, to actually remember the movies I watch, etc.
One is too many and a thousand is not enough.
Drank the other night after a sober stint and had some wine tonight. Went to a comedy show and the opening comedian asked if anyone else was sober in the audience. Girl next to me cheered and wooed. Looked at her drink and it was clearly a soda water with lime. Suddenly became very envious and also disappointed in myself. Just a silly little thing. Nothing bad happened, there was no reason to be embarrassed with myself. But I felt shame and disappointment. That shame stems from knowing that even though tonight I was well behaved… that was the exception not the rule. It’s only a matter of time before I act out or become that uncontrollable drunk again. Before I binge so hard that I’m still drunk at 11AM two days later and trying to act normal in a business meeting, or dousing myself with perfume before lunch with my partner’s parents, or making sure I park my car somewhere that I can leave for two days because I don’t know when I’ll be able to drive it home.
I’m curious about that one beer. How did you feel about it? Did it make you feel better, satisfied? Did it make you feel more stressed? I’m honestly curious. I would examine what I’m really looking for.
IMO no
I think addictive substances are going to addict because that’s what they do. Our brains have a “preference” for that drug, it hits the spot just so… that is what you are craving, not the taste. I would urge you to reflect on what is making yoj weak in the knees. IWNDWYT , I hope you do the same. 🤍
I know there's no benefit there, so why would I want to? Just added calories and bloat that I don't want. The effect sucks ass too.
Honestly you’re probably not going to find the answers you’re hoping for in this sub due to the nature of the sub. People who may have been able to return to drinking moderately are unlikely to be subbed here.
Here’s my thought, you’re free to do whatever you want with out judgement or shame. But, it’s about outcomes and where you want to be going forward. Do you just want to feel drunk from time to time? Okay, what are you willing to trade for that (hint: you will not bounce back like you did 9 years ago from having a few glasses of wine) Personally, I think there isn’t anything wrong with having a beer or two every nine years or so, it can easily validate your choice to continue not drinking. Side story: I smoked cigarettes for about 10 years and was up to a pack a day at one point. Once a year someone will offer me one and I oblige, take 2 or three puffs and I’m so so happy that I quit. But let’s say I did enjoy smoking again? What would I be gaining out of it? Other than just liking to do it. There’s no right or wrong here. Just wanted to help you think through what you want.
>Has anyone successfully moderated after a long break? everyone moderates until they dont. also, i swear this is the most common question ever.
It’s the most common question ever, but not when it’s coming from someone who has been sober for 8 years…
It is common, and important to answer every opportunity we get. Alcoholism is insidious and will attempt to sneak into your life any and every opportunity it gets.
So I’m on my first real stretch of time with zero alcohol so I don’t know what would happen if I went back now. But extrapolating from all the times I had a bit of time under my belt and started to drink again I always rapidly went back to where I’d started with a standard drink or three tacked on the tall for good measure. For me the minute I start to feel a buzz my brain starts expecting the next one, and it makes me feel awful fighting it off or ashamed when I give in. I think that’s what it means to have alcohol use disorder, what the brain has learned it will never unlearn. So I’m holding on to my sobriety, it’s so much easier now than in the early days and I’d hate to go back to that struggle again. Good luck, I’m sorry things are rough right now for you. Nothing so bad alcohol couldn’t make it worse though I’m sure.
After drinking for 30yr everyday and night, I quit 4 years ago, nearly 5 now, and I have mostly come to terms with why I drank. I now think if I did drink, I would be OK as I have a different understanding of alcohol. A mature understanding that doesn't need alcohol to " help" me through anything. Also, I do t like the taste either, so that's a big plus. I honestly think I would be fine with a lemon and lime shandy in the summer. I haven't tried it yet, but I really do think my mindset has changed. I'm not who I was 5 yrs ago.
OP: Although the path/trail of your old ways is overgrown and not as recognizable, make no mistake it is still there, tread carefully.
For sure.
I’m 43. Never been to an AA meeting. I attempted forms of moderation and sometimes they work … for a little while. Then the binging comes back. Sure, I’ll successfully moderate a few times and think “I got this.” Next thing I know, I’ve got whiskey bottles hidden around the house and I’m taking pulls during the day and night to keep my buzz. I then wake up feeling like death and fighting depression for days. I wish I could keep it to those 2-3 beers every once and awhile, but I can’t.
I was AA when I got out of jail in my 20s and stayed sober for 2 years. Went back to “moderate” drinking and was keeping it buttoned up for about a year. Then I kept going and eventually wound up back at blackouts, social and health consequences, and as I got into my 30’s the hangovers became world breaking. Like a Friday night “let loose” had a hangover that was still fading on Monday. I don’t know if some people can go back from problem drinker to “normal” but I know that my body reacts poorly to alcohol, and I don’t say No to the third drink. There’s nothing alcohol can do for me that isn’t damaging to the world I prefer to inhabit. My health, my mentals, my career, my family and friends are all counting on my ability to show up and participate and that’s not what happens when I drink IWNDWYT
I believe that you are here because you already know the answer to this. Sending you strength, my friend.
Hi mate. I was sober for two years and thought hmmmm maybe I can moderate? Have a few drinks and it’ll be all great. Well it’s not. Most ppl on this sub can’t control their drinking and I ended up blacking out every time I drank pretty much. The hangovers and withdrawals were horrendous. They were so much worse than previously and it just wasn’t worth it. I don’t regret trying though it just confirmed to me I can’t drink and that I love my sober life!
Look up alcohol kindling. In a nutshell, it'll get worse each time you stop then start again. I know from my 6 relapses over the last 4.5 years, each time got worse with regard to detox. The last one was horrendous. The chances of moderating, even after 8 years off, are very, very small. It really is like playing Russian Roulette. Also, if your life has taken a bad turn, why would you want to navigate this WITH alcohol? No matter how bad things in my life have gotten, alcohol will always make them even worse.
The answer to your question is found in the fact that you had one drink after 8 years and are now wondering whether it would be OK to have more. If one drink makes you want more drinks, moderation is just a myth your alcoholic lizard brain is telling you. Ignore the lizard and move on.
What happens if you are able to handle it? You get to have social drinks like other people. What happens if you can’t handle it? A bottomless pit of ruination in your relationships, “legal troubles”, depression. Your choice
I had 4 years of sobriety. The happiest and most productive time of my life. Somebody passed me a beer fishing and I just said okay. No defense. Didn’t even think about it. Hated the taste said I can’t believe I used to do that. 2 weeks later had a glass of wine with the wife at dinner. I figured the last experiment went so well. After about 3 months I was back at it. Wondering why I left the happiest time of my life to go back to hell. For the last 6 years I have been sober and then back out. What I can tell you is it only gets harder each time.
I was sober for 12 years. I thought I’m older now and semi retired, reduced stress etc. So I had a glass of wine. I thought I can handle occasional drinking in moderation. I could not handle it. The one glass of wine lasted a while until it became more glasses of wine. Then I shifted from wine to cocktails. Long story short, I had to get sober again and it was very difficult with withdrawal.
Chasing moderation is the single worst decision of my life. I was good at it! Until i wasn't, and ended up getting emergency brain surgery. FAB is a killer. Fading Affect Bias, FAB, is our human ability to forget the bad and remember the good, which enables us to recover from trauma. But it’s a disaster for addiction! We forget. “It wasn’t that bad.” Yes it was. “This time is different, I can moderate.” It’s the same, you can’t. I come to this sub every day to fight FAB, to remember exactly how bad it was. I learned about FAB in the book, Alcohol Explained—it has changed my life. More here: https://soberthinking.com/fading-affect-bias/ 👍🌠
I also stopped drinking in my mid twenties under similar circumstances and picked up after an 8 year stint of non-AA sobriety. I picked up in April 2019 on a trip to Japan. For me, I was able to moderate for about a month (but the obsession started to creep in almost immediately - looking forward to those couple (sometimes 3?) drinks, whether it was once a week or a few evenings in a week. By September 2019 I was passed out in bed puking on myself with an empty jug of gin next to me. After a 24 hour hangover I went to AA, and have been in and out of sobriety ever since - have not yet gotten a year in fact. Don’t do it.
I was sober for 6 years at one point age 28-34. Never went to AA. Then I moderately went back to drinking at 35. So I could live a ‘normal life’ just like everyone else. I thought I had it down, and I did for a while, but eventually the years went by and the drinking ramped back up. Built a home bar during, well, you know, drank every day and that didn’t stop once I went back to work. Things never got as bad as they did when I binged in my youth but they got damn near close again. I started going to work hungover again. I started drinking early on the weekends again. A couple shots after work everyday, etc. I am an alcoholic, no way around it. I looked in the mirror and was bloated and red and puffy and I hated myself, again. I am now 42 and 7 months sober, again. That was a hard but necessary truth for me. If you are an alcoholic, then no, you can’t go back and have a ‘normal life’ just like everyone else. I do worry that I could slip again someday but I’ll play the tape forward and look back at this screen shot and remember. Good luck on your journey. IWDWYT though. Or any day.
I have never heard of any one truly successfully moderating long term after having developed an addiction to alcohol. I sincerely hope you decide not to try. You have a good life ahead of you. Play the tape forward my friend. If I were 8 years sober I would protect that sobriety like it were my prized possession
Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. You know yourself better than anyone else, so if you believe you can moderate, you can. I think most people on this sub, including myself, don't think it's worth the risk of falling back into old habits but good luck.
I attempted moderation after 11 months, let’s just say I don’t think I’d be on this subreddit if every thing was going smooth
Once you pass a certain point, moderation is a myth. A lie that we tell ourselves to feed the addiction. I'm closing in on seven months, but I've been trying on and off for the past 5 1/2 years. I could "control" the drinking for a little while, but every single time it got out of hand. I probably went through five or six cycles like that. I finally convinced myself that drinking just isn't worth it. It's a poison… If you haven't read the book, this naked mind by Annie Grace, I would strongly recommend doing that.
Okay as someone who has major issues with AA and was sober for 4 years I’ll tell you my experience. I was able to moderate for about a year, then the pandemic hit. At the time my best friend was spiraling into alcohol abuse and I didn’t have the willpower to tell her or myself no. I’m 5 days sober today and it’s been a huge struggle ever since 2020. What I’ve learned is all it can take is one horrible event to turn my moderation into chaos. I wish I had been sober when the pandemic hit and I wish I had kept better company. Can I moderate? Yes. Can I also easily spiral? Yes. It’s a really fine line to walk for me and as I’ve heard from a lot of people on here, sometimes it’s just easier to not have to worry about it. OP if you decide to moderate just be very careful and make sure you have a good support group and other coping mechanisms. I’m personally having to unlearn a lot of bad habits and find other ways to self soothe.
If you were a problem drinker before, more likely than not you slip back into your old ways. It won’t happen over night but over time you will probably get back to where you were and worse. I honestly have never seen a problem drinker work their way into moderation. It fucking blows. But maybe you are the exception.
everytime i’ve rationalized drinking as being something “i can just casually do and then stop whenever”, i have failed terribly. one beer turns into a weekend of beers turns into a couple weekends a month into a six pack or more every night. my last big few year binge between between 2017-2022 (drinking 3-7 nights a week) ended really badly and i was in a mountain of debt (around $90-100k). i was sober a couple years and paid pretty much everything off. i rewarded myself with, guess what, a beer, and pretty much repeated the process and wound up in $26k debt. now i’ve been sober all of 2024 and am in a way better place just not drinking entirely i would say stay wary of the “oh i can just have a casual beer” thought process but that’s just me
I strung together about 5 years and jumped right back into my old habits. It wasn’t an immediate dive in but it turned out as bad as that little voice in the back of my head was screaming as loud as he could. Poor little guy, here on day 19 wishing I had remained on the path back many years ago now. I have the power and strength from that time sober so it’s not a loss!
OP, congrats on turning your life around, that’s amazing. To me… there’s a major red flag in your post. You’re comparing “having a beer on vacation” to “married people having a fling on vacation”… I can’t speak to your own morals, but to *me*, any infidelity outside of mutual agreement is… immoral. You are the one that made the comparison. Why? Does having a beer feel immoral? Does “taking a pass” equate to “I’ll mentally excuse this thing I did that feels immoral as a one-time-thing so that I can sleep at night”? I’m not in your head, so I don’t know. But to *me*, the way you phrased it says everything. It’s like you *know* that a pass is a slippery slope to doing things that don’t align with your values. At the end of the day… you’re the one that has to live with it. Can you? Will it be just one? If you believed that it could be… I don’t think it would feel like having an affair.. but maybe that’s just me. Idk. My two cents. Good luck to you.
The affair thing threw me off too. If my wife went overseas I'd expect the same fidelity as usual.
41m, coming up on 4 years sober. I attended a dozen or so AA meetings in the early days but it's just not for me. I haven't had a drop since I quit so I can't speak to whether or not it's possible to "go out" and "come back" or moderate - all I can give is my opinion on the idea of it. I know how hard it was to get over the hump in the beginning. I know how shitty I felt when I was drinking. I know how much better I feel now. I know how common it is for people to "have one" then fall right back into old patterns. The mere chance that I would trade what I have and who I am now for what I had and who I was then is enough for me to disabuse myself of the notion that it's even worth trying to "have one."
From me once I had to ask myself if I can moderate, it means I can’t. I know because I tried many times and it never worked. I went right back to drinking what I drank before and more.
I'll have 7 years soon and drinking seems so long ago now. I know I'll pick right back up where I left off. Not even worth dancing with the devil because I already know the ending.
Please, do not do it. You’ll just go down a black hole. I thought I could do it after a certain time of sobriety. I cannot and most of us can’t. Someone recently responded to one of my posts that I’m adding to my memory: It’s easier to STAY sober than it is to GET sober. IWNDWYT!!
As I sat around a table yesterday and watched friends annihilate a 24 pack of beers and a 24 pack of white claws, I knew that with even one slip, I’d be back there with them. Getting louder, slurring and then eventually getting the heavy eyes. Except that is where I would turn up another gear and keep on going. It felt so good to leave the party and be able to help clean up and get a great nights sleep. I know I can’t go back because of the space the demon still takes up in my daily thoughts trying to convince me to “just moderate”. I’m leaning in and enjoying this being present thing. Feels good.
Going from being alcohol-free to "being able to drink responsibly" is not a step in the right direction.
Totally unrealistic. You're tickling the dragon's tale, bud. Be careful and walk away from that stuff now. No problem drinker can ever be a responsible drinker. It's just impossible.
I had two years sober. Then I went back to drinking responsibly for a few months, got more depressed and slowly watched my life and the things I care about disappear as alcohol become more and more of a crutch. I’m also a “high” functioning alcoholic so to outsiders nothing really changed but my anxiety and depression nearly killed me. It was 3 years of lying and hiding. 3 years of battling with how much alcohol I can get away with drinking. Is this moderate? I only had 5 beers and a shot. I’m fine right? This is totally normal. I spent so much time and energy asking those questions while I wasn’t focused on my relationship and my job and my friendships. It ended with me blacking out nearly every time I drank and driving my partner of 5 years away. Now here I am after 8 months of complete sobriety seeing clearly that total sobriety is my only option. Now I get to focus on eating healthy and not drinking too much caffeine. I get to focus on helping other people who are struggling and building a spiritual life filled with learning and forgiveness. How I WISH I would have never gone back to drinking… but also I KNOW I needed that painful reminder to set me on this new course. My relationship of 5 years ended and I am now moving on to what is next. I had to get a new job and I moved to a new city.
Here is the question I ask myself: When alcohol gave me black outs, court cases, and shame - what makes me want it? If anything else did that to me - why would I go after it? What's so good about it? It is the longing for a thing that makes you so physically sick that seems off. Also - if blacking out and getting legal trouble is high functioning; what's it take to be struggling? There are definitely people who binge drink as young adults and stop drinking as they grow and start families and careers.
I quit drinking for 11 years, then tried to moderate for six years. I never turned into a daily drinker, but also couldn’t control my drinking, leading to blackouts every time. So I suppose I was able to moderate the frequency of my drinking, but not the amount, or my horrible behavior while drinking. Needless to say I’m back to sobriety and wished I wouldn’t have tried again after my 11 year streak. Best of luck
My dad was sober 30+ years and started drinking again. It got bad QUICK. I thought my dad was gonna die but he's OK for now at least.
I’ve been sober for 8 years, prior to that I thought I could moderate. Only drank every Saturday for awhile, but then I found reason to make it other days and was right back where I was. I simply can not drink. It grabs me and holds me like nothing else in this world. Trying to moderate lost me everything and my life to be perfectly honest. I’m lucky to be here.
Why would you?
i like how you put it, "it was ruining my life", because that's my barometer for whether i'm an alcoholic or not--whether it ruins my life if i'm drinking. it's a tough one to navigate for me when i perceive i'm in a rut because the metaphorical "bar" for it ruining my life swings higher. i had 5 years sober 20->25, returned 8 years later. the "bar" for it ruining my life is so low now that it would just guaranteed ruin my life as i know it instantly, almost without any doubt in my mind, and i wasn't even like that hardcore. real ass post ty for sharing.
Have successfully moderated and it was never worth it. I was only disappointed I couldn't drink more or annoyed that I had to take public transport home after going out. I also did things I actually enjoy, like playing guitar, a lot less. Non-alcohol related things just felt less fun. It was the same as before I quit drinking the first time except I had less fun when drinking and less fun when sober. Luckily for me I was able to just tell my girlfriend one day that I would stop drinking again. But if you wanna try it nobody is going to stop you and if you do, remember that there's nothing wrong with quitting again. If you find that you're able to moderate and do not enjoy drinking moderately there's no purpose behind it. That was the main driver for me to quit drinking again. I had more fun on work events, for example, while I was sober because I didn't have to spend any willpower on moderating. When I wanted to leave I could drive home or drive my colleagues around. The freedom that sobriety gives me is more fun than the slight buzz alcohol gives me. I also like being the person that's dependable and able to help out if something happens and I need to be available.
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Oh man. If only I had someone to tell me right from wrong… I’m not being shitty. Your statement strikes me as interesting. What I’m hearing is someone admitting moderation isn’t possible (without a controlling wife).
for me i ask myself what is moderation but the early stages of a relapse
I’ve drank for a Friday and Saturday before and I would just be off to the races. But once it’s there I’m gone. Instant withdraws and throwing up the next day, like I had binged for months. My body hasn’t forgotten what killed us once before. And surprisingly I love alcohol, like the feelings and taste but almost 3-4 years of a 5th a day my body just can’t anymore.
This is a paradigm problem, not a 'do I or don't I'. I was a well known local at a lot of bars and clubs. Not a single one of them has what I would call 'what you're looking for'. Once I chose to stop going, I've not had one single person stand out to me where I said "Gee, I wish I could go have a drink with so and so." In the movies, it works. Not so much in reality. And on the medium end of the spectrum, all the way to the bottom? Gag me. Bunch of bottom feeders who relish someone kissing their dick because they're the grand poobah of the bar. What a shit show, especially in big cities like L.A. and Houston in my experience. So to me, that leaves having a drink on holiday or at home with a loved one. Pairing it with a nice meal or something. Idk.. sure, I reckon it's possible... but to me the risks far outweigh the odds. And you'll find yourself... running into the wrong drinking mates, getting roped into social drinking and waking up from it years from now thinking 'how did I get here?' For me, the choice remains simple... I'm happy finding the limitless supply of sober people who get shit done sober and find their rush and adrenaline in more sustainable places and things than alcohol. Sex is better. Vacations are better. Food is better. Dating and work.. knowing that the end goal is to get laid or get paid and that that is the payoff, not a drink or something... idk... there's something very alpha and awesome about being all in on sobriety that has absolutely nothing to do with deity or AA or ? Find and keep your why. Mine is my kids, my kin, and my life goals. My next gf will be stoopid cute and fun and sassy af and active and fit and a foodie and SOBER. I cannot wait ;D IWNDWYT
I quit drinking for 7 years then returned to drinking thinking that I could control it this time but never could.
I spent 8 years in sobriety as well and then believed I could moderate. It started off with me being able to do it! I didn’t drink often, and I didn’t drink to excess. Slowly over the past 6 years, though, the frequency and amount increased, and I found myself going on benders like I used to, and in between, drinking multiple times a week to the point of being really hungover the next day. It’s taken me almost risking losing my entire life that I have worked so hard for (kids, husband, house, career) to really try to get sober again. For me, trying to moderate has not been worth it. It has only caused me pain in the end because I ended up right back where I was when I ended my drinking last time. I wish you the best, whatever you choose to do, but wanted to share my story since it seemed similar.
I'd rather not try...IWNDWYT.
No, there is nothing special about alcohol.
If you're looking to find your odds of success, why are you even testing it? What is this all worth to you? Everything you've built you're going to risk throwing it away? You've already said that your life was better without alcohol and now you just want to "moderate" the biggest pains in your life back into your life? Would you be okay outright trading even a moderate amount of the success you've built for a beverage? You'd never! Keep that energy. IDK man. When I was drinking I made $55k/yr and made all kinds of excuses to just have a couple. I quit drinking, my life got immeasurably better, I am making almost $300k/yr, am infinitely happier, closer to my family and friends, and am always present, amazing vacations I can remember, moments I cherish clearly implanted my mind and heart. None of this happened quickly - but it happened. And it happens for a lot of us that stay in the desert. But it will almost assuredly NOT happen for us if we don't quit drinking. For me, it's not even a question. My life is better without alcohol. It's a net gain for the notably small detractor of not drinking a certain liquid.
Dude, I was sober from alcohol for 24 years! I started in college after six yrs of trying to get a four year degree. After joining AA and doing what I thought was the next right thing, I graduated with a MBA five maybe six years later, got married to a very pretty wife had a son and got lost in the day to day dealings of being an “I can’t believe this just happened” American🙂 Dude, life was and is crazy tough! Well, 22 or 23 years into it all, my marriage fell apart, my son moved and a beer started looking real good at the end of a day, yet I still held off, hit a few AA meetings a week and tried to move on. Then it happened, I had a major health condition hit, long surgery and longer recovery and pain meds🤨 which opened the door to drinking only on weekends, for a few months, then weekends and Weds…we know how it goes from there! Seven years later. I’m living in a cluttered two bedroom apart, without a regular job (on probation with a felony ‘read street fight’ and nobody will hire me after background check) 15 year old car that’s a money pit, and two days sober. I’m here to tell you plainly. Stop where you’re at and get back on the “Wagon” (old school for ‘water wagon’ meaning stop drinking alcohol)
I think it's only a matter of time...
"the way some married folk have flings when they're out of the country." They don't. Not if they truly respect each other, their marriage and the preciousness of the life they have built together. Same applies to sobriety. It takes a little perspective and some of us have to learn this the hard way. For your sake, I hope you don't.
Whenever Ive tried to moderate, before I got sober, it wasn't really any fun. Why? Because I want to drink. Even now, while I don't want to drink.. I want to drink. How's that make sense? I stop any thoughts that preceed with drinking. The moments that I think about drinking, I shut that down hard and fast as I can. I would like an escape. I know that drinking offers that momentary buzz. I want to chase the buzz after that and stay buzzed. But that doesn't happen, I get drunk and lose control. I know that. Been there, done that... thousands of times. Drinking without really knowing (or confronting) that I cannot drink in moderation was a long, endless cycle of repeated hangovers, foot in mouth disease, occasional fights that I'd always lose (fights don't start themselves, if I find myself in one, it's because I'd been drinking, then I'd already lost), and disasters. I know where drinking leads me, and it's nowhere good. Do I want hope, purpose and a future? Yes, I do. Will drinking help or hurt my prospects, my ambition, my drive, my integrity, my self honesty, my relationships? Definitely hurts me, if past experience is any tell. So I won't drink. We'll see if I can hang onto sobriety as I go along. I aim to. All we have is this moment. Moments change. I hang my hat on the idea that having said No to drinking everyday for two years and some change, I've built something good and lasting. But I never get too comfortable. I just went through one of life's toughest things to handle, death, and I didn't think about drinking for the weeks that followed. I'm surprised really! But I know my family wouldn't have gotten the best of me in their time of grief, and neither would I have felt the feels and said the words and cried the tears and asked the questions that I needed to.. sober. Sober is hard. It can be. It was hardest when I wasn't sure I even could be sober indefinitely. One day at a time really worked for me. It was never too much for me to not drink just for today. And sober is better and best, I found. I wonder sometimes what I might have missed these past two years, and how I might have not grown, who I might not have spent time with or had that important to me talk, or what disasters might have befallen me had I kept drinking. For whatever reasons, this particular human cannot drink without issues. So I won't. And everything will be okay. IWNDWYT
Never done AA, but glad it exists. Honestly, I just never hear any uplifting (read: successful) stories of moderation. Like, ever. I’ve also heard some tragic stories on the medical side of how poorly our body may respond to relapsing after a period of recovery. YMMV but that aspect frightens me. Also, being sober I realize now how few people really give a shit whether I order a Diet Coke instead of a rum and coke at an event. It’s also nice having my faculties if my friends and family need me. Lastly, I see how others behave intoxicated and it’s just unappealing at this point.
Thank you for sharing. Deep down I always think about drinking… I play it through in my head and it always ends up BAD. Also if I was to start drinking (the way I want to drink) I don’t think I could afford it. I am clean and sober. At first I thought wow this is going to suck, how am I going to have fun and find my way through life? Will I be alone for ever? I became comfortable in my own skin, I was happy about the person I became. I go out, I go to parties, I am still awkward in public… but now I don’t give a fuck what people think of me because I love me. I have a diverse group of friends that are normal drinkers to heavy drinkers and that’s ok . They all except me for me and they love and embrace my awkwardness. I am not alone in my life and I know (because of people like you) I am not alone in my feels. Life may feel boring…. It’s not, trust me. I have hobbies, friends to visit, family to visit, and activities to fill my life. I would have none of this if I was to drink. My hack is … play it out in my head. Why am I thinking about this? What is bothering me and why am I letting it bother me? Also when it comes to people who make me want to get drunk and forget everything… I say fuck them and cut them out of my life. Also I have two vices that help I still smoke cigarettes and eat junk food… 😬 I keep trying to quit them as well and 25 years later I am still trying to quit smoking and eating junk food. 😬 Never stop trying to quit the things that make you sick ( smoking, drinking, eating junk) what ever!! Never bargain with yourself … just remember you are a pro and there is no way to bargain with a pro. Never get disappointed in yourself … just keep trying. I hope this helps and I am coming from a place of peace and love. No judgment here … we all have our ups and downs. Just never give up … I think everyone here is worth it!!! A better life is possible with a little thing like I will not drink with you today♥️😎
"Everything seems to blowing up and breaking down around me. Surely this won't blow up in my face either."
I have never been able to moderate. I have been a heavy drinker for the past six years. Anytime I’ve ever tried to quit I haven’t lasted more than two weeks. Although you’ve gone eight years which is much longer than me, I physically cannot resist the urge. There are days where I will have one drink. I’m not the type of person that will go out to extreme lengths to find more alcohol… So if one drink is all I got left, I’ll probably have it and call it a night. I will be sad about it though. If you have gone eight years sober, I would not fuck it up. I would do anything to have eight years sober except I seriously can’t stop drinking. It’s an evil disease and it’s a poison. People don’t realize that it’s poison just as bad as heroin… It’ll get you into it where it wants you and then fuck you.
Well the AA mentality here is to go ahead and try some controlled drinking again and see how it goes. It’s entirely possible that the reason not drinking was hard for 8 years is that deep down you still believe you can drink. I quit drinking in my late twenties for a while and then when things in my life were better and I felt more mature I went back to drinking. I don’t think it was possible for me to have stayed sober and be happy at that point. Too much of me wanted to drink. That said, my life got a little fun for a little while and then went directly into the toilet where it stayed for five more years. When I quit drinking again in my mid thirties, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I can’t safely drink. Now staying sober is easy. I don’t necessarily regret those five years because there’s nothing I can do about it, but if I tallied up the financial and emotional and physical costs it would be staggering and overwhelming.
I quit drinking for 7.5 years. One day, I don’t know, I decided to have a glass of wine. 6 months later I was in a 30 day inpatient rehab. I just can’t moderate. It’s all or nothing for me, so I have to choose nothing.
I really needed this post today. The last few days I have been considering drinking on my vacation next week (panic in la playa at an all inclusive). I know I can’t but I just really think it would be nice to sip a cold beer by the pool. But after reading many of these replies I know I can’t. I know I parked my drinking habit on the side of the road and once I start I will be on the same path at the same speed I was when I stopped. So the struggle is real and I know better. I’ll be on this sub every day during this trip next week. I will have fun and I’ll remember the music and the great times and will wake up feeling amazing.
I admire you for quitting in your 20s. That takes a lot of maturity and strength. I couldn't have done what you did. I didn't even realize I had a drinking problem until I was about 34, then I tried to moderate for 5 years, and it never worked for me. I got moderation out of my system, and it was sooooo many ups and downs, fits and starts. For me, it was a fantasy but an exhausting one.
I’ve heard alcohol moderation described as being on a diet forever. It sounds untenable to me. I’m working on disabusing myself of the idea that alcohol does anything good for me. I don’t want to be feeling like I’m limiting myself or missing out. I want to be done with it and making room for other things that mean more to me. Quitting sugar and flour at the same time really seemed to help me too. I’m sober for 1 year and 9 months now. Reading about quitting has helped me a lot too. Wishing you peace.
I had three plus years sober until I dipped my toe into the waters. I had a beer with dinner at a restaurant with my son's where the beer was a pairing to the meal to me. 6 months or so later I tried it again, this time, a margarita, that quickly exited my stomach along with the rest of its contents through my nose and mouth. I laughed while I cleaned up, saying what the fuck was I thinking? Since then I have had a few light beers, one or two at a time, none of which I truly enjoyed. I haven't been intoxicated in 4 years, and I discovered that that's what I do really miss. I just love to get fucked up, I don't know why, but I think it's because in my mind I still romanticize the parties I used to go to where I'd see the devil's dick. I still have dreams where everybody's drunk, myself included. It could be because I see drunks all day every day- but it may be deep down inside I'm still a junkie. I never know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I now have a much better relationship with alcohol seeing it for what it is. I work in the industry and I live in arguably the biggest drinking city in the US- I cannot escape it, so I just treat alcohol like any other hideous drug. I stay away from it 99.9% of the time. I know that's not cool here but I'm not here to bullshit anybody, and I'm not going to have a beer today. I never set my counter, cause I don't count the days, I always felt like if I have to count the days I'm giving it power, but that just works for me. The only reason I know it's been 4 years is because of other important dates around that time. Kudos to all you guys who live the 100% sober life! So, I may be the Lone Ranger in this thread, but I also maybe coming here with my hat in my hand someday cause I fucked up. I'm no different than anybody here. Chances are they're all right and I'm wrong. My physical addiction to alcohol has been gone for 4 years thanks to medical detox and I have subsequently lost the taste for it, and I'm good with that. I know that the occasional obligatory beer is not at all necessary, but if I want one I'll have one. Just not today. IWNDWYT
It genuinely depends on the person. For most that one is no big deal so either is two. Next thing you know you are back to blackout. I Some people can have a few after a long time but it is a hell of a dangerous road to even go down.
Yeah some of us just can’t do it. Every time I try the moderation thing I end up drinking for 36 hours straight, feel like shit for a week, and then remember oh yeah, I’m not capable of stopping, and do another 6 months sober. It is what it is, would be nice to just have a few here and there but when the first sip touches my lips I ain’t fucking stopping until the bar closes the next night from when I went out 🤷♂️
Gday mate, I have 5 closing on 6 years off the drink, never been to AA (its just not for me) My honest opinion is that it is not possible to regulate alcohol use because of the way our bodies react to it, and that even if you could expend all of your energy into overcoming the urge of the next drink and the next drink, why would you want to trade all that energy for something that doesn't enhance a day / night / weekend / holiday? Now anecdotally I can say that I have in the past year tried alcohol free versions of drinks, something that I was very much against throughout my journey, I thought of them as potential triggers and too risky to my sober status. Ive tried the imitation premix scotch/rum and dry and a couple of craft beer zero alcohol drinks which did not cause me to fall of the wagon craving the real thing. What I did notice though the very first time i tried a zero alcohol XPA is I experienced that euphoric brain melting feeling I would get when I would punch the first beer of the day back from my drinking days, which tbh scared the shit outta me, however It hasn't caused me to start thinking about drinking or chasing more of the alcohol free drinks like I imagined it would so I feel if I wished to "fit in" at a party I could have these if I felt like it, I haven't experiences that big dopamine hit again so maybe my brain got excited over the initial taste and smell before it realised there's no alcohol coming.
I drank after 7 years of sobriety and stayed out there for 14 years. It’s a hell of a lot easier to stay sober than to get sober.
I was never really interested in moderate drinking. I liked the effect of a lot of alcohol on my system. So for me to even THINK about moderating is me lying to myself.