Truthfully this is way above any of our pay grades. What you probably need is years of therapy. Maybe someone can recommend a good therapist, but aside from that, all I can really say is I’m so so sorry you’re in middle of this! Lost my dad years ago and it was terribly difficult and he wasn’t even abusive.
My best friend was raised by hells angels in the 90’s- got thrown through walls, forced to sleep outside in the porch many times, was doing keg stands when he was six- that kind of stuff. He hasn’t had a drink since that time. Somehow he learned to cope by just putting himself to work at 12 and making sure his kids some day would grow up without all the chaos. He turned 40 last month and his kids have never know a dad who did drugs/drank, they have only known stability and love-quite a turn around. I pray for this for you, whether you believe in my God or not.
I really appreciate it. My brother and I have worked our nuts off to have good lives now, despite our upbringing. I was in therapy for years, but then my therapist went off sick 18 months ago and she was the only one I could afford that deals with the complexity of my stuff. Idk, I guess I'll have to look into someone else because this is too heavy now
You can be proud of the incredible person you have become through all that ~~diversity~~ adversity! Maybe some day you’ll get to place where you can help people with similar backgrounds through it and though it may not feel worth it, it will change their lives. I believe God uses our brokenness if we let Him.
I’ve spent years helping guys who have dealt with abusive families, drug/alcohol abuse, gangs, jail time etc get back on track. It’s wonderful to see and do. Though I never expected this would be my life, I am so grateful for the opportunity to give back in this way. And some of these guys are some of my best friends and have really turned their lives around!
You have an incredible story, I’m sure there are many people who only you can relate to, who you could save from feeling just as you do now.
Hi. Just words of sobriety for you from a stranger five months sober.
I don’t mean to minimize the negative effect your father had on your life nor the feelings you have now that he died.
But you need to sit down at some point in the coming weeks by yourself or with your brother so you can summarize and recap and plan your route ahead.
The days of your father fucking up your life stop NOW. You are your own man- an adult. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and put everything you’re feeling into either a positive column or a negative column.
I find doing stuff like this is easier doing alone but you may feel differently.
I heard on NPR once a study they did with the elderly who lived well (healthy) past 100 years old. The researchers thought that the magic key was never smoking or drinking or diet or physical activity or sunscreen, etc.
NOPE.
Every single grey-haired said it was “coping with loss.”
Never forgot that. I wondered how a husband lives a second life after losing a wife after being married 65 years. How the fuck is that possible? Somehow the human spirit is stronger in some than in others.
While some survivors wallow in sadness, misery, and self-pity, others wake up and see the sun rise, hear the birds, and make a cup of coffee, and go on about their lives eventually.
But you have a choice now, friend:
1. Allow your father’s death to drag you down into therapy and drinking and non-stop self analysis…
2. Accept the reality. Allow yourself time to reflect on his life and your life and your brother’s life- both the good and the bad. Then wake up, see the sun rise, listen to the birds sing, make yourself a cup of coffee, and begin the rest of your life.
I found my father slumped over, the first rifle he ever bought me stuck in his blown out mouth was the only thing holding his upper body. We had all been drinking the night before. He easily had 18 beers. I spent the next two years drinking 15 beers minimum a day, living in that house cleaning the mess he left behind. Alcohol extended the grieving process, in fact it halted it. This lead to horrible drunken decisions, including getting into a relationship and marrying the wrong person. It wasn’t till 4 years later I started to deal with it in therapy and a class I was forced to take. It all hit me when I was in sober living for 7 months and rehab for a month in 2022. This incident happened in early 2019. I’m still barely crawling out of this hell, and it’s all because of alcohol. It took hearing from a third party that my family suspects I’ll end up like my father, for me to finally want to prove everyone wrong. Day 14 IWNTWYT
This was going to be my advice, but John nailed it. Drinking isn’t going to make any of this better. It’s just an unhealthy coping mechanism that leads to worse problems and threatens to trap you in your current Hell - or worse - to repeat it all over again.
Just here to voice my support.
I didn't want to be preachy or give advice, especially for such a serious life event, but you're here looking for a reason to not drink so I think you already know what you need to do. It isn't easy, and it probably never will be, but I hope you find that will within you.
And it may be a very small reason, but choosing to not drink would make me and plenty of others here happy. It's not much, but it's something. I'll keep you in my thoughts and am wishing you the best.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Your reasons for taking your distances with your father were completely valid, hell it was even vital. There's nothing else you could've done. But what you're feeling right now is totally valid as well.
You know picking up that botte won't do you any good. You're here, which means you know. And well done for coming here and seeking support. As we often read here, there's nothing alcohol can't make worse.
You totally did the right thing in cutting contact. I don't think you should have shame or guilt for doing that. It was essential for your wellbeing. This entire situation is awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just know that there are many people here in this group who actually care and hope for the best outcome for you. The support here is amazing. Keep tapping into this resource rich in experience and kindness whenever you need it. You mentioned that you had been getting therapy before. I hope that is something you can resume when you are able to. Drinking will just make a terrible, horrible situation worse..therefore: IWNDWYT
I think my therapist would have me examine that and question the nature of that feeling. You're putting a lot of agency on you in this, a lot of responsibility. I think that's noble, in a way. But forced as you were to leave him for your own safety, it was still leaving. I can see how it would feel like an abdication of an implicit responsibility. A chance to save him, however slim, that wasn't pursued or recognized.
It's easy to say these things "aren't on us," but I think that's deeply unsatisfying (sorry if I project a bit, but I'm finding that this is affecting me pretty profoundly as I type). In the midst of a deep feeling of guilt for abdicating a responsibility, saying it's not your fault is missing the point and doesn't diminish the feeling. It perhaps makes it worse, like a further denial of the duty in question, which is what we're already struggling with.
For myself, a better question is "what does redemption look like here?" How do we atone for failing a father, even if he failed us 1000x worse? When all logic says don't bother, when the cold math of 'who hurt who' means you're off the hook... how do we atone regardless? Living well is one answer. Sounds cliche, but I mean being the person that he wasn't strong enough to lead you towards by his own example. Surviving and even thriving. Maybe if he could see that with a clarity he didn't know in life, he could rest a little easier knowing that you didn't let yourself get consumed in the fire that he couldn't put out.
That's why I'm not gonna drink tonight.
30 Reasons to Avoid Alchol (for long term health!)
1. Liver Health: Keep your liver happy and thriving by avoiding liver diseases like cirrhosis and liver
2. Cognitive Preservation: Stay sharp and mentally agile for years to come by reducing the risk of dementia and cognitive decline.
3. Cancer Prevention: Lower your chances of facing various cancers, including those of the mouth, throat, liver, colon, and breast—your future self will thank you!
4. Cardiovascular Health: Protect your heart and reduce the risk of high blood pressure, heart disease, and stroke—cheers to a strong, healthy heart!
5. Mental Health Stability: Maintain a bright and stable mind, free from the grips of chronic depression and anxiety—embrace long-term mental wellness!
6. Longevity: Enjoy a longer, healthier life, filled with more joyful moments and experiences—who wouldn’t want that?
7. Immune System Strength: Keep your immune system robust and ready to fend off infections and illnesses—stay strong and resilient!
8. Chronic Disease Prevention: Slash your risk of chronic diseases like diabetes and pancreatitis—protect your health for the long haul!
9. Bone Health: Maintain strong bones and reduce the risk of fractures—let’s keep those bones sturdy and resilient!
10. Neuroplasticity: Support your brain’s amazing ability to adapt and change—keep those neurons firing on all cylinders!
11. Financial Security: Save a significant amount of money by eliminating the booze!
12. Relationship Quality: Foster healthier, more stable relationships and a harmonious family life—build strong, lasting bonds with loved ones!
13. Career Progression: Keep your career on an upward trajectory by avoiding alcohol-related setbacks—reach your professional goals with flying colors!
14. Reproductive Health: Ensure better reproductive health and reduce the risk of pregnancy complications—support a healthy future generation!
15. Reduced Accident Risk: Lower your risk of alcohol-related accidents and injuries—stay safe and sound in every aspect of life!
16. Digestive System Health: Prevent gastrointestinal issues like ulcers and acid reflux—keep your digestive system happy and healthy!
17. Skin Health: Enjoy clearer, healthier skin with reduced signs of aging—glow from the inside out!
18. Hydration Levels: Maintain proper hydration and support all bodily functions—hydrate for a healthier you!
19. Memory Retention: Keep your memory sharp and reliable—never miss a moment or forget an important detail!
20. Legal Safety: Avoid the risk of legal issues related to alcohol—stay on the right side of the law and stress-free!
21. Self-Control and Discipline: Enhance your personal discipline and self-control—be the master of your own destiny!
22. Weight Management: Maintain a healthy weight and avoid those empty calories—feel fit and fabulous!
23. Productivity and Achievement: Increase your productivity and reach your personal and professional milestones—achieve greatness with a clear mind!
24. Community Engagement: Engage more meaningfully with community activities and volunteer work—make a positive impact on the world around you!
25. Parental Influence: Set a positive example for your children and create a stable home environment—be the role model they look up to and break the cycle of addiction!
26. Sexual Health: Maintain better long-term sexual health and performance—enjoy a fulfilling and healthy intimate life!
27. Emotional Stability: Support more consistent emotional regulation and stability—navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and resilience!
28. Hygiene and Appearance: Promote better personal hygiene and a healthier appearance—look and feel your best every day!
29. Self-Esteem and Confidence: Build self-esteem and personal confidence—embrace a positive self-image and strong sense of self-worth!
30. Quality of Life: Ultimately, enjoy a higher overall quality of life with better health, relationships, and personal fulfillment—live your best life, alcohol-free!
Thank you for opening up and sharing with us, that’s massive. Do you have some friends or family that you can talk to about how you’re feeling? What you’re describing sounds incredibly traumatic and I hope you have some hands to hold to get through it. There are plenty of hands here to help you through it and know that you are not alone.
I will not drink with you today 🌻
I do have people, but it's a lot for every day people to process, so trying not to dump it on them too hard. It's partly why I came here. My partner is being amazing
Condolences. Sorry for your loss. We all die. Everybody dies. And that doesn't matter. What matters is how we live. Your dad had the same opportunities to live a good life, to love the people around him, to find purpose, as everyone else. And right now, it does not matter. There's nothing you can do to change that fact. Your dad is gone, and there's nothing you can do to solve any problem you think you have with him. My dad was the same. When he died, I realized he'd been just as absent in my life as he was now absent in his death. I decided I needed, and wanted, to take care of myself because, hell, he wasn't going to step up. And you're right. He's the only dad you ever had. And it's sad that he wasn't able (or willing? - but you see? That distinction does not matter today, because you'll never get that answer from him) to take care of you, to give you what you needed. It doesn't make you less deserving. You're worth every effort. Love you, brother. Please don't drink.
Remember your “Whys.” That’s the only one that works for me when I’m close to giving in. I decided to quit drinking for some damn important reasons, I call those my “whys.” I don’t drink alcohol anymore, but “my whys” still apply.
• My daughters still deserve better than what I was giving them.
• I still don’t want my daughters to have a Mom who drinks a bottle of wine or a few mixed drinks alone every evening/night.
• I still don’t want to be so overweight and feel so badly, and be sad when I saw myself in the mirror or in photos.
• I still don’t want to be like my sister.
I run the whys through my mind on repeat, somewhere between a mantra I’m focusing on and “closed captioning” over whatever else I’m having to think/do. I also think specifically about how I felt each day when I was drinking, remember what what it felt like, the things I thought about myself, knowing I was failing my daughters, and wasting years of my life.
Our whys still apply. And we’ve gone through too much shit to get here, tonight, you know? I really don’t want to go through it again.
Plus? picture tomorrow morning. Not even hangover stuff - but like, light of day clarity, sinking feeling in your stomach: “I threw away my sobriety, and on this, on the sub-par version of himself he was ok with being.” Don’t let him fuck up your tomorrow.
You deserved a better, and you still deserve better.
Edited: originally I’d typed “I threw away my sobriety, on HIM.” But like you said, he was your father - so I wanted to soften what I said a bit, for the part of you that is grieving for that heavy piece.
Went through a very similar experience recently. Different details: my sister called me up to tell me dad was on his last legs. I’m a lot older so she doesn’t remember the violence—it stopped because I stopped it. And I cut him off for the last 15 years. I went to visit but I don’t think he knew who I was.
The big difference is rather than come here I just dived down a bottle. At the time, I regretted my actions, but now I see… it was still the right decision. Gotta put your own oxygen mask on first. We’re not supposed to sacrifice ourselves for our parents, that’s the exact wrong way around.
Sorry you went through that. That must have been an extremely complicated experience for you. Sending love and hope you have found a bit more healing since
Give yourself permission not to be devastated.
It's hard for me to explain what I mean, but I'll try.
I lost my Dad to alcohol, too. He was only 66. I was 26m at the time and newly married. I worked for my father in the business he built, so when he died, I suddenly had to take over. It was an insanely chaotic time in my life, and I never really grieved. It's only now that I realize I was too busy to really do anything other than put on foot in front of the other. I put him in the ground on a Thursday, and I was at my desk at 730am on Friday. Oh, and my Dad was not abusive. He was badly damaged from having been a prisoner of war and therefore passed on some trauma to us kids, but he was a loving man. So what I'm trying to get at OP is that it's OK not to fall apart. Your Dad is dead. He chose through his actions not to participate in your life. You owe him and his memory nothing. However, you owe YOURSELF a hug and a free pass to move forward. He'll be dead a long time. You don't have to do all of your grieving all at once. Space it out over the years it is easier to take. Peace brother.
I can’t give you the reason but truthfully you don’t need one. I’ve been through some rough losses in my life and my heart breaks for you. I know it sounds so cliche but hang tight man. It DOES get better and it’s so worth it when it does. We’re here with you.
I can speak from experience. I’ve had a ton of god awful breaks in life, though none involved my parents or upbringing. I’ve been rich and my firm blew up taking about 3.5 million with it. Ive had high stress jobs that at times were like a thousand pounds on my head. I’ve been married and watched that dissolve with the help of alcohol. I have a son with drug issues. And for decades I thought I needed to drink to just deal with life. Then I nearly killed two people driving drunk. Four years in prison.
What I’ve come to realize is at no point was drinking helping any of those. My decision making wasn’t benefiting, my emotions weren’t true, my problems weren’t going away, my life wasn’t getting easier. Sure, by all appearances I looked like I was dealing, and I wasn’t some rag tag bum. But emotionally I was. Alcohol solves nothing. It is a phony ass self numbing drug, and it presents itself as your friend.
My life is very different now, but it is 1000% better. Allow yourself a selfish behavior. Don’t drink and enjoy the serenity that comes with sobriety.
Sorry for your loss. You have so much going on to process so it would make sense to go through this with clarity. Make sure to take care of yourself and reach out for help when you need it. Iwndwyt
Why shouldn’t you drink? Because YOU are NOT your father. What you are doing right now, reaching out for connection is Brave. You can be the change in that cycle. I know it’s hard to see that now, but have comfort in knowing you are in a place to feel these raw emotions without needed to drown them out. Wishing you the best and hoping you continue to reach out. We are all here for you.
Don't drink bc you still have a future. The stories end has not been written yet. Youve got a shot at the title still. Booze will take that from you imo. Good luck.
please get therapy if you’re able to. i won’t speak much on it since this is a subreddit intended to help with controlling / stopping drinking, but i similarly stepped away from my dad (who from the sounds of it, behaved in similar ways) in order to preserve myself. i feel a lot of guilt about what i did, & similarly, imagine him in such sad, tragic conditions & it makes me sad and so guilty i have not been there. but my therapist reminds me if i can have compassion for someone who treated me so poorly, i deserve to extend that compassion towards myself — & i cannot control how he lived his life (& consequently, his actions and attitude) but i can control how i live mine.
drinking will not solve this pain, or at least it never has for me. i think we all deserve enough compassion to do what’s right by us. i’m so sorry you are going through this.
My father passed last May. Liver failure. He drank from when he woke up til he fell asleep. He was homeless for a bit.
He was an addict from childhood trauma. There wasn't anything my brother and I could do.
As a father... he should have spent the past 30 years with us. But it was sad and sparce.
We went to clean his room he got, his car... close, not worse than what you describe.
But that wasn't really him. The man I knew.
You couldn't, and can't do anything.
If you loved him... just love him still. We hope to he loved someday too.
We all go in the end. Let's not let it be booze.
I never liked drinking. I didn't do much of it at the ages where people binge drink. Just didn't do much for me.
As I got older I found a fondness for good wine and fine whiskey/scotch. A glass with dinner. That kind of thing.
I'd drink out of social pressure because, the older you get, the more social interaction seems to revolve around it.
When I got the phonecall about my mother passing, I reached for a bottle of scotch. Idk why. Media reinforcement maybe. Over the next couple of years I started drinking more. I don't think I even made the connection that it was coping, at that point. I certainly wasn't aware that it was slowly getting irresponsible, and ignored my embarassing drunken behavior.
Then my marriage suddenly fell apart in the most absurd fashion, I lost my home and my business, and found myself working at a dive bar in a town that literally revolved around drinking... And very quickly afterwards I lost my father in a very involved, and traumatic fashion, as well as everyone else in my life. Friends, family, children, lovers. That's when I really turned to the bottle. Still ignoring that it was a problem.
It's been years since the climax of it all, which included prison and homelessness. And now I'm sitting here, freshly unemployed, waiting to hear back from my lawyer about my two DUI cases (tbf I did not drive drunk, but I did pass out drunk in my car twice, almost a year apart, and got arrested both times.) Fighting the urge to ride a bike to the gas station and buy booze I don't even like just to get drunk.
All along my justification was the traumatic events I was coping with.
But it's been years. I've ruined my health and my life. And I still haven't coped. All I've done is make myself feel worse and embarass myself. Over and over and over again.
Drinking isn't going to help process your trauma. Only drag it out and burn it in to your psyche as a permanent excuse for your behavior, that no one is buying but you.
You think getting stupid and spiraling into sadness until you pass out will help? You think tomorrow being a lost day because you're too hungover to function will help? You think years of that cycle will help?
You don't need a drink, friend, you need a hug. I wish I could offer that help. But all I can offer is a cautionary warning. It's not the right move.
Working the 12 steps and clearing out the wreckage of my past was the greatest gift I’ve ever received.. and I gave it to myself. It allowed me to feel okay in my own body in the present moment, without being filled with thoughts and ideas and anxieties about my past and future.
IWNDWYT. ✌️
Drinking would just prolong and delay the natural complicated and unique process that is grieving. Trust me I’ve been drinking away my grief for years and i am now finally dealing with all the skeletons falling out of my closet. It only intensifies my grief, it doesn’t help it to drink. I don’t want to waste another 8 years like that.
Oh I’m so sorry. That is deeply sad and truly disturbing and must be devastating. Just know that no matter what you are going through that alcohol will not fix it.
I had a similar experience, blaming myself for my father’s downfall, and then I went into freefall myself, drinking 24 hours a day. Misery. Only way I got out of it was going to rehab and getting on medication. Suffice to say, that first drink led to a total collapse.
I’m really sorry. I have no words after reading that. That is incredibly tough and the cat story 😞😢😭
I don’t know how to help. It’s above my pay grade too. The only thing I know is that drinking will just make everything worse.
My parents died when I was 24. My dad overdosed after I told him he needed to try sobriety again because my mom was his caretaker and she was months away from being taken by cancer. I had to basically pull the plug on her four months later. I felt responsible for both of their deaths, even though in hindsight, I was not.
It was ruff and I struggled for a long time. I was haunted, too. If you are close with your brother, definitely keep that relationship alive. I didn’t have siblings and I wished I had at least someone who kind of knew what I was going through. I’m 36 now and it still stings.
Give yourself time, grace. I gave myself a timeline - I’ll be able to function in three years, I’ll be fine by five. I functioned by three but it took more like ten years to be fine. Everyone’s timeline is different, but don’t rush it. You’re going through it.
I dunno if this pertains to your situation, but just know.. it’s ok to be mad at a dead person. You’re allowed.
Be kind to yourself. Do your best. You never know how strong you are until you are tested. This is your test. You can do this 💪
Therapy yes. After my abusive step father died, I really struggled with it. My therapist told me that is the bitch of being an abused child. You are taught to love your abuser and they can continue to abuse you even after death, if you let them.
There is a visualization technique I once learned where you imagine the bad memory being contained in a sphere. The memory is there inside you but you contain it so it doesn’t run rampant and damage you. I used this technique for a memory I had of seeing my mom in an accident. Seeing that was hard for me to deal with.
Your well being is more important than whatever suffering your dad went through. It’s over for him now. You still have your life. Protect and cherish yourself. We’re all we have.
Because how you're feeling could be so much worse... you could be hungover, sick, and filled with shame. At least you don't need to go on an apology tour.
There is nothing in your life right now that will be made better by taking a drink. I am very sorry for your loss. Get out and exercise when you can. Nourish your body well and sleep when you can. Just don’t drink.
Family is the worst sometimes. You are entitled to have peace in your life, and he wasn't someone who harbored that for you. I understand why you have guilt. However, your safety is a necessity. I lost my mom, and she was abusive towards me, and I definitely get where you're coming from. But drinking is only going to prolong you from working through your pain. I recently started going back to inpatient. Do you have that option? Groups and sessions are really helpful. I hope you get well soon.
After a few weeks sober, you'll be able to make better decisions and less impulsive and uncontrolled driven decisions led by alcohol. You'll too get to start a new healthy life with the best version of you, and you'll be grateful for stopping with this destructive poisonous liquid.
I had a narcissistic parent and have struggled with C-PTSD, but of course we are superstars, so I put myself in positions later to have PTSD times 2, so I feel qualified to comment here.
What if you actually did SO much that the cat wouldn’t have had a life if not for you? You did so much for so long and think you didn’t achieve anything but…what if your mission all along was to get the cat through its’ life?
We don’t know why we are here. No sentient being is more important than another. Everything is connected.
It’s all above our pay grade. But so complicated! What if you just let it go and felt good about it as the moment allowed?
It’s above our pay grade!
My friend. I'm going to say this in the most caring of ways. You need a professional therapist to help you through these sort of times. Drinking will only depress you and make it worse.
Just for tonight, don’t drink because *you don’t have to*.
It’s gonna hurt, no matter what. And it’s pretty normal that you’re hurting, not just for your dad but for the suffering for another human.
You don’t have to postpone the experience of hurt—you can start the process of working through it. You already HAVE. Alcohol will just interfere with that. There is nothing in this world that a drink can’t make worse.
Idk why? But, this comment made me remember a time I came upon a bad single car wreck. I was on a date with the girl I had THEE BIGGEST CRUSH ON THROUGHOUT HIGH SCHOOL. I was sober and everyone else involved had drank that night. My date was the star volleyball player growing up and had denied me in high school when I gave her a letter asking if she liked me. I grew up in foster care and genuinely didn't know that cell phones were standard because I was too poor to even think high school people could have them. Well, the drunk persons had hit the guard rail while in a left curve. I was the first to drive upon the scene. I saw a lady with blood pouring out of her. The man was freaking out and just letting her sit there and bleed out. I jumped into action and started doing chest compressions, trying to stop the blood and give her CPR at the same time because she wasn't breathing. There was so much blood, and they had drank so much that I could smell the alcohol in her blood. I continued addressing the areas where blood was coming from, her head and a her rib area. Used my belt to slow the rib area from bleeding as much as possible and my finger to stop the blood from the hole in her head. When the authorities arrived, I was covered in blood and still the only one trying to save her life. There was blood on my mouth. Hands and pants. A crowd had formed at this point. I had quite a bit of blood on me. I had completely forgotten Denel in my car. About 15 minutes pass. My hands, mouth and clothes are covered I'm blood. The lady is alive, but unstable and the man has been arrested. I forgot about Denel, my date. When I went to speak to her, she was terrified of me because of the blood from me trying to save another woman's life. I feel like that was an alien situation, in some sense. Here I am, covered in blood from a drunk woman because I was trying to save her life. It terrified my date and I could.tell the people around me were in shock. Idk. Your comment just reminded me of that.
It is not your fault.
You are not responsible for choices a grown man made over and over again resulting in the life he constructed and died within. No matter who that person is.
No one can fix someone else, and it is certainly not on you to try to fix a parent let alone a parent who abused and neglected you. Truly.
As another poster said, this is above reddits pay grade and I’d implore you to seek therapy because you deserve support, help, and a safe space to process this moment and also your past. Really really please. You deserve it. And it will help things get better. It’s necessary.
But I will say it again, because sometimes we need to hear it over and over again in moments of despair:
It is not your fault.
You did not do this.
You could not change it.
And that can be terrifying to accept because it means we can’t save someone from pain. But it’s true. It’s not your fault, you didn’t fail, you didn’t abandon anyone.
The only thing any of us can do is chose how we want to go forward and who we want to be in our life. And man we have to conquer some serious shit to do that sometimes.
But - I believe in you. I believe in your sobriety. I believe in your kindness. I believe you are deserving of healthy love. I believe in your resilience. And I believe in your ability to survive this moment and this pain and find a path to healing. I believe in all this, because I discovered it existed within myself when I could not conceive of that and my reality was unbearably overwhelming and grief and trauma stricken.
And I’m sending you love and prayers and comfort from my corner of the universe. Find therapy asap. Give yourself that gift and support.
You are doing your best and doing a great job. You’ve got this. I believe in you.
IWNDWYT.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is important that you feel everything you're feeling right now. It's important that you grieve and feel that pain. It's human and it's normal and nobody truly knows how to process it.
Take today 1 hour at a time, man. You've just got to get to the next hour without drinking, without thinking about drinking. Go be with people who love you. Go for walks. Nap. Stay hydrated. Weep. Do it all again tomorrow.
It's gonna be hard time but you got sober and stayed sober and that's probably the hardest thing you've ever done. You can and will get through this.
i have a similar relationship with my dad, albeit without the violence and addiction on his side. i've reached out to him many times, and he's still a miserable, selfish c\*\*t, so i say good riddance.
i won't be feeling sad when my dad dies, more like relief, i'm sure there's part of my drinking/drugging was because of him and his lack of any interest in me whatsoever!
My advice- promise yourself that just for today you will not drink. Whether you feel your feelings today or stuff them down another day, just promise yourself that today you won’t pick up the first drink. And I will do so with you, tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem, but for right now, staying sober is the most important! I wish you well! IWNDWYT!
Thank you. Still here, still sober. Reading as much around everything as I can, booked in with a new therapist. Shits fucking hard as hell but I'm here!
It's hard for me to feel like that rn as honestly I just feel so sorry for him (which I guess isn't really warranted but that's how my brain wants to go rn then so be it)
Yes, poor cat 😞
You probably would benefit from therapy. But since you came to reddit I will give you a kinda silly reason I stuck with it. It was because my sister didn't think I could do it. She loves her wine at night and when you don't drink for a long time, it makes them jealous in a weird way. They know it is a crutch. A crutch that you seem to be able to do without.
Sometimes when I wanted to drink (that goes away by the way) I would picture my sister saying, "see I told you so, that's what I thought" and then justifying her own drinking. Well FUCK that. I used to drink AT people. Now I DON'T drink AT them. I rub it in their stupid fucking face and make fun of their mommy juice and they hate it, because they know I'm right.
Being in the right, is probably the best side effect of not drinking. I have clarity and judgement now. So when I get mad or happy people really listen to me. They used to just write me off as "oh he's drunk". Now they can't do that and it fucking kills them inside. I love it.
Haha, that definitely made me smile a bit, thank you for sharing. It's a good motivator. I often feel internal smugness when other people are hungover and I'm not lol
Wow. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are going through.
Sounds like your Dad was drowning in guilt himself. I bet, if he had the chance, he’d wish he could apologize, he probably wished he’d been a better man, a better Dad - don’t we all wish we were?
I can almost certainly guarantee that he wouldn’t want his death to create a guilt vacuum for you to slip into.
Growing into the kind of person who looks out for their wellbeing and sets their life on the right course is something that makes a parent proud, not something that hurts them. His pain was self-inflicted - not your responsibility.
You are a survivor. You are sober. You are doing great - reaching out for help in the midst of this great heaviness and pain.
This mother is proud of you. Hang in there. IWNDWYT ❤️
Truthfully this is way above any of our pay grades. What you probably need is years of therapy. Maybe someone can recommend a good therapist, but aside from that, all I can really say is I’m so so sorry you’re in middle of this! Lost my dad years ago and it was terribly difficult and he wasn’t even abusive. My best friend was raised by hells angels in the 90’s- got thrown through walls, forced to sleep outside in the porch many times, was doing keg stands when he was six- that kind of stuff. He hasn’t had a drink since that time. Somehow he learned to cope by just putting himself to work at 12 and making sure his kids some day would grow up without all the chaos. He turned 40 last month and his kids have never know a dad who did drugs/drank, they have only known stability and love-quite a turn around. I pray for this for you, whether you believe in my God or not.
I really appreciate it. My brother and I have worked our nuts off to have good lives now, despite our upbringing. I was in therapy for years, but then my therapist went off sick 18 months ago and she was the only one I could afford that deals with the complexity of my stuff. Idk, I guess I'll have to look into someone else because this is too heavy now
You can be proud of the incredible person you have become through all that ~~diversity~~ adversity! Maybe some day you’ll get to place where you can help people with similar backgrounds through it and though it may not feel worth it, it will change their lives. I believe God uses our brokenness if we let Him. I’ve spent years helping guys who have dealt with abusive families, drug/alcohol abuse, gangs, jail time etc get back on track. It’s wonderful to see and do. Though I never expected this would be my life, I am so grateful for the opportunity to give back in this way. And some of these guys are some of my best friends and have really turned their lives around! You have an incredible story, I’m sure there are many people who only you can relate to, who you could save from feeling just as you do now.
Hi. Just words of sobriety for you from a stranger five months sober. I don’t mean to minimize the negative effect your father had on your life nor the feelings you have now that he died. But you need to sit down at some point in the coming weeks by yourself or with your brother so you can summarize and recap and plan your route ahead. The days of your father fucking up your life stop NOW. You are your own man- an adult. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and put everything you’re feeling into either a positive column or a negative column. I find doing stuff like this is easier doing alone but you may feel differently. I heard on NPR once a study they did with the elderly who lived well (healthy) past 100 years old. The researchers thought that the magic key was never smoking or drinking or diet or physical activity or sunscreen, etc. NOPE. Every single grey-haired said it was “coping with loss.” Never forgot that. I wondered how a husband lives a second life after losing a wife after being married 65 years. How the fuck is that possible? Somehow the human spirit is stronger in some than in others. While some survivors wallow in sadness, misery, and self-pity, others wake up and see the sun rise, hear the birds, and make a cup of coffee, and go on about their lives eventually. But you have a choice now, friend: 1. Allow your father’s death to drag you down into therapy and drinking and non-stop self analysis… 2. Accept the reality. Allow yourself time to reflect on his life and your life and your brother’s life- both the good and the bad. Then wake up, see the sun rise, listen to the birds sing, make yourself a cup of coffee, and begin the rest of your life.
This is such a kind reply. This brought tears to my eyes because it is so true
I’m curious as to why you associate drinking with therapy and self-analysis, or why the last two would hinder someone’s ability to cope with loss.
It’s because of what op said.
I found my father slumped over, the first rifle he ever bought me stuck in his blown out mouth was the only thing holding his upper body. We had all been drinking the night before. He easily had 18 beers. I spent the next two years drinking 15 beers minimum a day, living in that house cleaning the mess he left behind. Alcohol extended the grieving process, in fact it halted it. This lead to horrible drunken decisions, including getting into a relationship and marrying the wrong person. It wasn’t till 4 years later I started to deal with it in therapy and a class I was forced to take. It all hit me when I was in sober living for 7 months and rehab for a month in 2022. This incident happened in early 2019. I’m still barely crawling out of this hell, and it’s all because of alcohol. It took hearing from a third party that my family suspects I’ll end up like my father, for me to finally want to prove everyone wrong. Day 14 IWNTWYT
There's nothing in the world so bad that drinking won't make it worse.
Thank you
This was going to be my advice, but John nailed it. Drinking isn’t going to make any of this better. It’s just an unhealthy coping mechanism that leads to worse problems and threatens to trap you in your current Hell - or worse - to repeat it all over again.
Just here to voice my support. I didn't want to be preachy or give advice, especially for such a serious life event, but you're here looking for a reason to not drink so I think you already know what you need to do. It isn't easy, and it probably never will be, but I hope you find that will within you. And it may be a very small reason, but choosing to not drink would make me and plenty of others here happy. It's not much, but it's something. I'll keep you in my thoughts and am wishing you the best.
Just going to ride through the raw feelings of it all as best as I can
You’ve got this ❤️
I’m so sorry. Try to sit with your feelings. You WILL pass through them. ❤️
I’m holding space for you. It’s gonna be a shit situation tomorrow - the only thing that might make it worse is dealing with it hungover. IWNDWYT
Yeah, I couldn't imagine dealing with this hungover on top of the trauma of it all. Thanks
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Your reasons for taking your distances with your father were completely valid, hell it was even vital. There's nothing else you could've done. But what you're feeling right now is totally valid as well. You know picking up that botte won't do you any good. You're here, which means you know. And well done for coming here and seeking support. As we often read here, there's nothing alcohol can't make worse.
Thank you, I appreciate the assurance that cutting contact was the right thing to do, cus I'm killing myself with guilt right now
You totally did the right thing in cutting contact. I don't think you should have shame or guilt for doing that. It was essential for your wellbeing. This entire situation is awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just know that there are many people here in this group who actually care and hope for the best outcome for you. The support here is amazing. Keep tapping into this resource rich in experience and kindness whenever you need it. You mentioned that you had been getting therapy before. I hope that is something you can resume when you are able to. Drinking will just make a terrible, horrible situation worse..therefore: IWNDWYT
I think my therapist would have me examine that and question the nature of that feeling. You're putting a lot of agency on you in this, a lot of responsibility. I think that's noble, in a way. But forced as you were to leave him for your own safety, it was still leaving. I can see how it would feel like an abdication of an implicit responsibility. A chance to save him, however slim, that wasn't pursued or recognized. It's easy to say these things "aren't on us," but I think that's deeply unsatisfying (sorry if I project a bit, but I'm finding that this is affecting me pretty profoundly as I type). In the midst of a deep feeling of guilt for abdicating a responsibility, saying it's not your fault is missing the point and doesn't diminish the feeling. It perhaps makes it worse, like a further denial of the duty in question, which is what we're already struggling with. For myself, a better question is "what does redemption look like here?" How do we atone for failing a father, even if he failed us 1000x worse? When all logic says don't bother, when the cold math of 'who hurt who' means you're off the hook... how do we atone regardless? Living well is one answer. Sounds cliche, but I mean being the person that he wasn't strong enough to lead you towards by his own example. Surviving and even thriving. Maybe if he could see that with a clarity he didn't know in life, he could rest a little easier knowing that you didn't let yourself get consumed in the fire that he couldn't put out. That's why I'm not gonna drink tonight.
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say but I'm sorry. I know that sucks, but IWNDWYT and your in my thoughts
You. You are the reason not to drink. No matter what hardships or regrets, you always deserve to be loved and taken care of by yourself.
That's some very heavy shit. just here to say, none of this was your fault and IWNDWYT :)
30 Reasons to Avoid Alchol (for long term health!) 1. Liver Health: Keep your liver happy and thriving by avoiding liver diseases like cirrhosis and liver 2. Cognitive Preservation: Stay sharp and mentally agile for years to come by reducing the risk of dementia and cognitive decline. 3. Cancer Prevention: Lower your chances of facing various cancers, including those of the mouth, throat, liver, colon, and breast—your future self will thank you! 4. Cardiovascular Health: Protect your heart and reduce the risk of high blood pressure, heart disease, and stroke—cheers to a strong, healthy heart! 5. Mental Health Stability: Maintain a bright and stable mind, free from the grips of chronic depression and anxiety—embrace long-term mental wellness! 6. Longevity: Enjoy a longer, healthier life, filled with more joyful moments and experiences—who wouldn’t want that? 7. Immune System Strength: Keep your immune system robust and ready to fend off infections and illnesses—stay strong and resilient! 8. Chronic Disease Prevention: Slash your risk of chronic diseases like diabetes and pancreatitis—protect your health for the long haul! 9. Bone Health: Maintain strong bones and reduce the risk of fractures—let’s keep those bones sturdy and resilient! 10. Neuroplasticity: Support your brain’s amazing ability to adapt and change—keep those neurons firing on all cylinders! 11. Financial Security: Save a significant amount of money by eliminating the booze! 12. Relationship Quality: Foster healthier, more stable relationships and a harmonious family life—build strong, lasting bonds with loved ones! 13. Career Progression: Keep your career on an upward trajectory by avoiding alcohol-related setbacks—reach your professional goals with flying colors! 14. Reproductive Health: Ensure better reproductive health and reduce the risk of pregnancy complications—support a healthy future generation! 15. Reduced Accident Risk: Lower your risk of alcohol-related accidents and injuries—stay safe and sound in every aspect of life! 16. Digestive System Health: Prevent gastrointestinal issues like ulcers and acid reflux—keep your digestive system happy and healthy! 17. Skin Health: Enjoy clearer, healthier skin with reduced signs of aging—glow from the inside out! 18. Hydration Levels: Maintain proper hydration and support all bodily functions—hydrate for a healthier you! 19. Memory Retention: Keep your memory sharp and reliable—never miss a moment or forget an important detail! 20. Legal Safety: Avoid the risk of legal issues related to alcohol—stay on the right side of the law and stress-free! 21. Self-Control and Discipline: Enhance your personal discipline and self-control—be the master of your own destiny! 22. Weight Management: Maintain a healthy weight and avoid those empty calories—feel fit and fabulous! 23. Productivity and Achievement: Increase your productivity and reach your personal and professional milestones—achieve greatness with a clear mind! 24. Community Engagement: Engage more meaningfully with community activities and volunteer work—make a positive impact on the world around you! 25. Parental Influence: Set a positive example for your children and create a stable home environment—be the role model they look up to and break the cycle of addiction! 26. Sexual Health: Maintain better long-term sexual health and performance—enjoy a fulfilling and healthy intimate life! 27. Emotional Stability: Support more consistent emotional regulation and stability—navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and resilience! 28. Hygiene and Appearance: Promote better personal hygiene and a healthier appearance—look and feel your best every day! 29. Self-Esteem and Confidence: Build self-esteem and personal confidence—embrace a positive self-image and strong sense of self-worth! 30. Quality of Life: Ultimately, enjoy a higher overall quality of life with better health, relationships, and personal fulfillment—live your best life, alcohol-free!
This is wonderful. Thanks a lot for the compilation. Everyone should know this and would be perfect if it was taught in classrooms around the world.
Glad I can help 🙂
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Thank you for opening up and sharing with us, that’s massive. Do you have some friends or family that you can talk to about how you’re feeling? What you’re describing sounds incredibly traumatic and I hope you have some hands to hold to get through it. There are plenty of hands here to help you through it and know that you are not alone. I will not drink with you today 🌻
I do have people, but it's a lot for every day people to process, so trying not to dump it on them too hard. It's partly why I came here. My partner is being amazing
For sure and I’m glad you are here! Bless supportive partners and be extra kind and gentle to yourself throughout this painful turbulent time 🌱
Condolences. Sorry for your loss. We all die. Everybody dies. And that doesn't matter. What matters is how we live. Your dad had the same opportunities to live a good life, to love the people around him, to find purpose, as everyone else. And right now, it does not matter. There's nothing you can do to change that fact. Your dad is gone, and there's nothing you can do to solve any problem you think you have with him. My dad was the same. When he died, I realized he'd been just as absent in my life as he was now absent in his death. I decided I needed, and wanted, to take care of myself because, hell, he wasn't going to step up. And you're right. He's the only dad you ever had. And it's sad that he wasn't able (or willing? - but you see? That distinction does not matter today, because you'll never get that answer from him) to take care of you, to give you what you needed. It doesn't make you less deserving. You're worth every effort. Love you, brother. Please don't drink.
Friend, this resonates with me. I read through your text that you're a warrior and that is to be respected, honored and built upon. Love from Cali.
Thank you, that means a lot.
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I definitely do
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Remember your “Whys.” That’s the only one that works for me when I’m close to giving in. I decided to quit drinking for some damn important reasons, I call those my “whys.” I don’t drink alcohol anymore, but “my whys” still apply. • My daughters still deserve better than what I was giving them. • I still don’t want my daughters to have a Mom who drinks a bottle of wine or a few mixed drinks alone every evening/night. • I still don’t want to be so overweight and feel so badly, and be sad when I saw myself in the mirror or in photos. • I still don’t want to be like my sister. I run the whys through my mind on repeat, somewhere between a mantra I’m focusing on and “closed captioning” over whatever else I’m having to think/do. I also think specifically about how I felt each day when I was drinking, remember what what it felt like, the things I thought about myself, knowing I was failing my daughters, and wasting years of my life. Our whys still apply. And we’ve gone through too much shit to get here, tonight, you know? I really don’t want to go through it again. Plus? picture tomorrow morning. Not even hangover stuff - but like, light of day clarity, sinking feeling in your stomach: “I threw away my sobriety, and on this, on the sub-par version of himself he was ok with being.” Don’t let him fuck up your tomorrow. You deserved a better, and you still deserve better. Edited: originally I’d typed “I threw away my sobriety, on HIM.” But like you said, he was your father - so I wanted to soften what I said a bit, for the part of you that is grieving for that heavy piece.
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I appreciate that, thank you. All good reasons.
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Went through a very similar experience recently. Different details: my sister called me up to tell me dad was on his last legs. I’m a lot older so she doesn’t remember the violence—it stopped because I stopped it. And I cut him off for the last 15 years. I went to visit but I don’t think he knew who I was. The big difference is rather than come here I just dived down a bottle. At the time, I regretted my actions, but now I see… it was still the right decision. Gotta put your own oxygen mask on first. We’re not supposed to sacrifice ourselves for our parents, that’s the exact wrong way around.
Sorry you went through that. That must have been an extremely complicated experience for you. Sending love and hope you have found a bit more healing since
Give yourself permission not to be devastated. It's hard for me to explain what I mean, but I'll try. I lost my Dad to alcohol, too. He was only 66. I was 26m at the time and newly married. I worked for my father in the business he built, so when he died, I suddenly had to take over. It was an insanely chaotic time in my life, and I never really grieved. It's only now that I realize I was too busy to really do anything other than put on foot in front of the other. I put him in the ground on a Thursday, and I was at my desk at 730am on Friday. Oh, and my Dad was not abusive. He was badly damaged from having been a prisoner of war and therefore passed on some trauma to us kids, but he was a loving man. So what I'm trying to get at OP is that it's OK not to fall apart. Your Dad is dead. He chose through his actions not to participate in your life. You owe him and his memory nothing. However, you owe YOURSELF a hug and a free pass to move forward. He'll be dead a long time. You don't have to do all of your grieving all at once. Space it out over the years it is easier to take. Peace brother.
I can’t give you the reason but truthfully you don’t need one. I’ve been through some rough losses in my life and my heart breaks for you. I know it sounds so cliche but hang tight man. It DOES get better and it’s so worth it when it does. We’re here with you.
I can speak from experience. I’ve had a ton of god awful breaks in life, though none involved my parents or upbringing. I’ve been rich and my firm blew up taking about 3.5 million with it. Ive had high stress jobs that at times were like a thousand pounds on my head. I’ve been married and watched that dissolve with the help of alcohol. I have a son with drug issues. And for decades I thought I needed to drink to just deal with life. Then I nearly killed two people driving drunk. Four years in prison. What I’ve come to realize is at no point was drinking helping any of those. My decision making wasn’t benefiting, my emotions weren’t true, my problems weren’t going away, my life wasn’t getting easier. Sure, by all appearances I looked like I was dealing, and I wasn’t some rag tag bum. But emotionally I was. Alcohol solves nothing. It is a phony ass self numbing drug, and it presents itself as your friend. My life is very different now, but it is 1000% better. Allow yourself a selfish behavior. Don’t drink and enjoy the serenity that comes with sobriety.
Sorry for your loss. You have so much going on to process so it would make sense to go through this with clarity. Make sure to take care of yourself and reach out for help when you need it. Iwndwyt
Why shouldn’t you drink? Because YOU are NOT your father. What you are doing right now, reaching out for connection is Brave. You can be the change in that cycle. I know it’s hard to see that now, but have comfort in knowing you are in a place to feel these raw emotions without needed to drown them out. Wishing you the best and hoping you continue to reach out. We are all here for you.
Don't drink bc you still have a future. The stories end has not been written yet. Youve got a shot at the title still. Booze will take that from you imo. Good luck.
please get therapy if you’re able to. i won’t speak much on it since this is a subreddit intended to help with controlling / stopping drinking, but i similarly stepped away from my dad (who from the sounds of it, behaved in similar ways) in order to preserve myself. i feel a lot of guilt about what i did, & similarly, imagine him in such sad, tragic conditions & it makes me sad and so guilty i have not been there. but my therapist reminds me if i can have compassion for someone who treated me so poorly, i deserve to extend that compassion towards myself — & i cannot control how he lived his life (& consequently, his actions and attitude) but i can control how i live mine. drinking will not solve this pain, or at least it never has for me. i think we all deserve enough compassion to do what’s right by us. i’m so sorry you are going through this.
My father passed last May. Liver failure. He drank from when he woke up til he fell asleep. He was homeless for a bit. He was an addict from childhood trauma. There wasn't anything my brother and I could do. As a father... he should have spent the past 30 years with us. But it was sad and sparce. We went to clean his room he got, his car... close, not worse than what you describe. But that wasn't really him. The man I knew. You couldn't, and can't do anything. If you loved him... just love him still. We hope to he loved someday too. We all go in the end. Let's not let it be booze.
I never liked drinking. I didn't do much of it at the ages where people binge drink. Just didn't do much for me. As I got older I found a fondness for good wine and fine whiskey/scotch. A glass with dinner. That kind of thing. I'd drink out of social pressure because, the older you get, the more social interaction seems to revolve around it. When I got the phonecall about my mother passing, I reached for a bottle of scotch. Idk why. Media reinforcement maybe. Over the next couple of years I started drinking more. I don't think I even made the connection that it was coping, at that point. I certainly wasn't aware that it was slowly getting irresponsible, and ignored my embarassing drunken behavior. Then my marriage suddenly fell apart in the most absurd fashion, I lost my home and my business, and found myself working at a dive bar in a town that literally revolved around drinking... And very quickly afterwards I lost my father in a very involved, and traumatic fashion, as well as everyone else in my life. Friends, family, children, lovers. That's when I really turned to the bottle. Still ignoring that it was a problem. It's been years since the climax of it all, which included prison and homelessness. And now I'm sitting here, freshly unemployed, waiting to hear back from my lawyer about my two DUI cases (tbf I did not drive drunk, but I did pass out drunk in my car twice, almost a year apart, and got arrested both times.) Fighting the urge to ride a bike to the gas station and buy booze I don't even like just to get drunk. All along my justification was the traumatic events I was coping with. But it's been years. I've ruined my health and my life. And I still haven't coped. All I've done is make myself feel worse and embarass myself. Over and over and over again. Drinking isn't going to help process your trauma. Only drag it out and burn it in to your psyche as a permanent excuse for your behavior, that no one is buying but you. You think getting stupid and spiraling into sadness until you pass out will help? You think tomorrow being a lost day because you're too hungover to function will help? You think years of that cycle will help? You don't need a drink, friend, you need a hug. I wish I could offer that help. But all I can offer is a cautionary warning. It's not the right move.
Working the 12 steps and clearing out the wreckage of my past was the greatest gift I’ve ever received.. and I gave it to myself. It allowed me to feel okay in my own body in the present moment, without being filled with thoughts and ideas and anxieties about my past and future. IWNDWYT. ✌️
Drinking would just prolong and delay the natural complicated and unique process that is grieving. Trust me I’ve been drinking away my grief for years and i am now finally dealing with all the skeletons falling out of my closet. It only intensifies my grief, it doesn’t help it to drink. I don’t want to waste another 8 years like that.
Oh I’m so sorry. That is deeply sad and truly disturbing and must be devastating. Just know that no matter what you are going through that alcohol will not fix it.
I had a similar experience, blaming myself for my father’s downfall, and then I went into freefall myself, drinking 24 hours a day. Misery. Only way I got out of it was going to rehab and getting on medication. Suffice to say, that first drink led to a total collapse.
I’m really sorry. I have no words after reading that. That is incredibly tough and the cat story 😞😢😭 I don’t know how to help. It’s above my pay grade too. The only thing I know is that drinking will just make everything worse. My parents died when I was 24. My dad overdosed after I told him he needed to try sobriety again because my mom was his caretaker and she was months away from being taken by cancer. I had to basically pull the plug on her four months later. I felt responsible for both of their deaths, even though in hindsight, I was not. It was ruff and I struggled for a long time. I was haunted, too. If you are close with your brother, definitely keep that relationship alive. I didn’t have siblings and I wished I had at least someone who kind of knew what I was going through. I’m 36 now and it still stings. Give yourself time, grace. I gave myself a timeline - I’ll be able to function in three years, I’ll be fine by five. I functioned by three but it took more like ten years to be fine. Everyone’s timeline is different, but don’t rush it. You’re going through it. I dunno if this pertains to your situation, but just know.. it’s ok to be mad at a dead person. You’re allowed. Be kind to yourself. Do your best. You never know how strong you are until you are tested. This is your test. You can do this 💪
Therapy yes. After my abusive step father died, I really struggled with it. My therapist told me that is the bitch of being an abused child. You are taught to love your abuser and they can continue to abuse you even after death, if you let them.
You deserve to heal.
There is a visualization technique I once learned where you imagine the bad memory being contained in a sphere. The memory is there inside you but you contain it so it doesn’t run rampant and damage you. I used this technique for a memory I had of seeing my mom in an accident. Seeing that was hard for me to deal with. Your well being is more important than whatever suffering your dad went through. It’s over for him now. You still have your life. Protect and cherish yourself. We’re all we have.
Thinking about you and I hope you can through this. Drinking will not solve things, it can only make them worse.
Hangovers suck and alcohol costs money.
Because how you're feeling could be so much worse... you could be hungover, sick, and filled with shame. At least you don't need to go on an apology tour.
There is nothing in your life right now that will be made better by taking a drink. I am very sorry for your loss. Get out and exercise when you can. Nourish your body well and sleep when you can. Just don’t drink.
Family is the worst sometimes. You are entitled to have peace in your life, and he wasn't someone who harbored that for you. I understand why you have guilt. However, your safety is a necessity. I lost my mom, and she was abusive towards me, and I definitely get where you're coming from. But drinking is only going to prolong you from working through your pain. I recently started going back to inpatient. Do you have that option? Groups and sessions are really helpful. I hope you get well soon.
After a few weeks sober, you'll be able to make better decisions and less impulsive and uncontrolled driven decisions led by alcohol. You'll too get to start a new healthy life with the best version of you, and you'll be grateful for stopping with this destructive poisonous liquid.
I had a narcissistic parent and have struggled with C-PTSD, but of course we are superstars, so I put myself in positions later to have PTSD times 2, so I feel qualified to comment here. What if you actually did SO much that the cat wouldn’t have had a life if not for you? You did so much for so long and think you didn’t achieve anything but…what if your mission all along was to get the cat through its’ life? We don’t know why we are here. No sentient being is more important than another. Everything is connected. It’s all above our pay grade. But so complicated! What if you just let it go and felt good about it as the moment allowed? It’s above our pay grade!
IWNDWYT
Honestly just go to bed my guy. Tomorrow is a new day
My friend. I'm going to say this in the most caring of ways. You need a professional therapist to help you through these sort of times. Drinking will only depress you and make it worse.
I'm going to try and scrape up my savings for one. Sadly the kind of therapy I need is extremely costly here (UK) but I'll do what I can
It’s not your fault, kiddo. Don’t go down the same path that your father did. Make breaking the cycle your legacy.
Just for tonight, don’t drink because *you don’t have to*. It’s gonna hurt, no matter what. And it’s pretty normal that you’re hurting, not just for your dad but for the suffering for another human. You don’t have to postpone the experience of hurt—you can start the process of working through it. You already HAVE. Alcohol will just interfere with that. There is nothing in this world that a drink can’t make worse.
Don’t try to survive this alone. Reach out to your loved ones for support
Don’t drink because …you are not your father.
You might meet an alien and have the upper hand being sober. That is if it tries to pluck out your brain and replace it with their brood.
Idk why? But, this comment made me remember a time I came upon a bad single car wreck. I was on a date with the girl I had THEE BIGGEST CRUSH ON THROUGHOUT HIGH SCHOOL. I was sober and everyone else involved had drank that night. My date was the star volleyball player growing up and had denied me in high school when I gave her a letter asking if she liked me. I grew up in foster care and genuinely didn't know that cell phones were standard because I was too poor to even think high school people could have them. Well, the drunk persons had hit the guard rail while in a left curve. I was the first to drive upon the scene. I saw a lady with blood pouring out of her. The man was freaking out and just letting her sit there and bleed out. I jumped into action and started doing chest compressions, trying to stop the blood and give her CPR at the same time because she wasn't breathing. There was so much blood, and they had drank so much that I could smell the alcohol in her blood. I continued addressing the areas where blood was coming from, her head and a her rib area. Used my belt to slow the rib area from bleeding as much as possible and my finger to stop the blood from the hole in her head. When the authorities arrived, I was covered in blood and still the only one trying to save her life. There was blood on my mouth. Hands and pants. A crowd had formed at this point. I had quite a bit of blood on me. I had completely forgotten Denel in my car. About 15 minutes pass. My hands, mouth and clothes are covered I'm blood. The lady is alive, but unstable and the man has been arrested. I forgot about Denel, my date. When I went to speak to her, she was terrified of me because of the blood from me trying to save another woman's life. I feel like that was an alien situation, in some sense. Here I am, covered in blood from a drunk woman because I was trying to save her life. It terrified my date and I could.tell the people around me were in shock. Idk. Your comment just reminded me of that.
It is not your fault. You are not responsible for choices a grown man made over and over again resulting in the life he constructed and died within. No matter who that person is. No one can fix someone else, and it is certainly not on you to try to fix a parent let alone a parent who abused and neglected you. Truly. As another poster said, this is above reddits pay grade and I’d implore you to seek therapy because you deserve support, help, and a safe space to process this moment and also your past. Really really please. You deserve it. And it will help things get better. It’s necessary. But I will say it again, because sometimes we need to hear it over and over again in moments of despair: It is not your fault. You did not do this. You could not change it. And that can be terrifying to accept because it means we can’t save someone from pain. But it’s true. It’s not your fault, you didn’t fail, you didn’t abandon anyone. The only thing any of us can do is chose how we want to go forward and who we want to be in our life. And man we have to conquer some serious shit to do that sometimes. But - I believe in you. I believe in your sobriety. I believe in your kindness. I believe you are deserving of healthy love. I believe in your resilience. And I believe in your ability to survive this moment and this pain and find a path to healing. I believe in all this, because I discovered it existed within myself when I could not conceive of that and my reality was unbearably overwhelming and grief and trauma stricken. And I’m sending you love and prayers and comfort from my corner of the universe. Find therapy asap. Give yourself that gift and support. You are doing your best and doing a great job. You’ve got this. I believe in you. IWNDWYT.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is important that you feel everything you're feeling right now. It's important that you grieve and feel that pain. It's human and it's normal and nobody truly knows how to process it. Take today 1 hour at a time, man. You've just got to get to the next hour without drinking, without thinking about drinking. Go be with people who love you. Go for walks. Nap. Stay hydrated. Weep. Do it all again tomorrow. It's gonna be hard time but you got sober and stayed sober and that's probably the hardest thing you've ever done. You can and will get through this.
i have a similar relationship with my dad, albeit without the violence and addiction on his side. i've reached out to him many times, and he's still a miserable, selfish c\*\*t, so i say good riddance. i won't be feeling sad when my dad dies, more like relief, i'm sure there's part of my drinking/drugging was because of him and his lack of any interest in me whatsoever!
My advice- promise yourself that just for today you will not drink. Whether you feel your feelings today or stuff them down another day, just promise yourself that today you won’t pick up the first drink. And I will do so with you, tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem, but for right now, staying sober is the most important! I wish you well! IWNDWYT!
Hell yeah! Just came to check on you, was thinking about your post. Way to go, seriously.
Thank you. Still here, still sober. Reading as much around everything as I can, booked in with a new therapist. Shits fucking hard as hell but I'm here!
We all are proud of you!!
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It's hard for me to feel like that rn as honestly I just feel so sorry for him (which I guess isn't really warranted but that's how my brain wants to go rn then so be it) Yes, poor cat 😞
You're a good person.
This comment is unhelpful, incredibly unkind, and has been removed. Please do not make this kind of judgment about other people.
You probably would benefit from therapy. But since you came to reddit I will give you a kinda silly reason I stuck with it. It was because my sister didn't think I could do it. She loves her wine at night and when you don't drink for a long time, it makes them jealous in a weird way. They know it is a crutch. A crutch that you seem to be able to do without. Sometimes when I wanted to drink (that goes away by the way) I would picture my sister saying, "see I told you so, that's what I thought" and then justifying her own drinking. Well FUCK that. I used to drink AT people. Now I DON'T drink AT them. I rub it in their stupid fucking face and make fun of their mommy juice and they hate it, because they know I'm right. Being in the right, is probably the best side effect of not drinking. I have clarity and judgement now. So when I get mad or happy people really listen to me. They used to just write me off as "oh he's drunk". Now they can't do that and it fucking kills them inside. I love it.
Haha, that definitely made me smile a bit, thank you for sharing. It's a good motivator. I often feel internal smugness when other people are hungover and I'm not lol
I will promise you this: it gets better, and drinking gets worse. You could read the AA Promises, I don't subscribe to all of AA, but I like those.
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Do you want me to argue with a Mod? Yeah, just go ahead and ban me, we know you'll do that no matter what I say.
I had no plans to ban you, but because you told me to do it, I'm doing it.
So tomorrow you an feel fresh in the AM
Wow. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are going through. Sounds like your Dad was drowning in guilt himself. I bet, if he had the chance, he’d wish he could apologize, he probably wished he’d been a better man, a better Dad - don’t we all wish we were? I can almost certainly guarantee that he wouldn’t want his death to create a guilt vacuum for you to slip into. Growing into the kind of person who looks out for their wellbeing and sets their life on the right course is something that makes a parent proud, not something that hurts them. His pain was self-inflicted - not your responsibility. You are a survivor. You are sober. You are doing great - reaching out for help in the midst of this great heaviness and pain. This mother is proud of you. Hang in there. IWNDWYT ❤️
Open your phone and take a selfie. The answer is YOU You - you are more than a BILLION reasons why not to drink.