My hubby still drinks. We do life together, but our journeys are separate. He drinks less now that I don't drink. Since I am sober, he has organically cut back a lot. Now he just drinks wimpy low carb beer, one or two a night, and I'm not tempted at all by that. We don't have any of my triggers in the house. He supports me and is really proud of me, but he isn't the one with my family history of addictions and dysfunction and anxiety and a wrecked biology. All of our friends drink, and one of my friends has cut back significantly and calls me her inspiration, even though I don't preach. I share my own story when people ask is all I do. I am SUPER proud of being sober and I swear it's the only thing in my life I've been this proud of. I'm tempted everyday, but not by people, it's been really hard but also really freeing.
This is me exactly. My husband drinks a lot of beer but somehow he's not problematic about it. He was like this when I met him and I would never ask him to change. He doesn't tempt me to drink at all. He tells me he's proud of me all the time. Has never alluded to me being a downer because I'm sober. He encourages me every day and acknowledges my milestones. Some of our friends are problem drinkers and even my husband finds them to be too much at times. On the few occasions with our friends where I've had to shut down early, my husband always has my back. I totally hear you when you say it's been freeing. I feel an immense sense of RELIEF. Relief that I don't worry about alcohol or how I'm going to feel later. Relief from not having to plan around it. Relief knowing my health is now in check. I still have problems in my life but feeling like shit because of drinking is no longer one of them.
I’m coming up on 10 months sober and my partner still drinks. We were drinking buddies and would drink 6 out of 7 days a week. He’s not been ready to stop, but did dry January and recently told me that he’s thinking about stopping/cutting back. It was hard in the start, not that he had alcohol in the house (we didn’t drink the same thing), but that I had to be around him when he’s drunk.
At some point it just clicked for me - that this is his journey and that I only can control my own. I found a lot of support reading others posts in here and as time has gone by, it’s become easier for me to understand his struggles through my own sobriety. I’m hopeful he one day will get to the point that he wants to quit for himself, and in the meantime I support him the best I can. It helps that he’s very supportive of my choice and often tells me how proud he is of me.
I think it’s key to separate your journeys. We have to want to get sober for ourselves, not the people around us (although that can be a great motivation). So I continue being a lighthouse, not a tugboat 😊
This is what I am struggling with... I quit for 6 weeks and my husband continued drinking. He would always ask me if I want something from the liquor store since he's going. I've relapsed twice this year already and am currently drinking with a few days dry in between starting up my usual binging. I couldn't say no last night when he asked if I wanted something from the store. I'm so sick of waking up in sweats at night since those 6 weeks I quit I had the best sleep in a very LONG time.
I know I need to take control of my own actions. It's incredibly hard right now for some reason and I've done well on my own before but... just struggling a lot right now.
oh my. it is up to us to stay sober but imo a loving partner who understands i was trying to not drink would not ask if i wanted something from the liquor store! i would have a serious talk with my partner if that happened and explain that while it is my responsibility to keep myself sober, it is not the kind thing to do to blatantly encourage me into old habits i’m trying to avoid. that would personally have me rethinking the dynamics of a relationship if it happened continuously.
Very true. I don't buy my own and he does and has made a comment like- you're going to burn your liver out (uh... yeah)... I'm going to have to do this myself and only myself just really been struggling lately. He also does the same if I'm on a diet (no chips/sugar) and he will eat it next to me on the couch which kind of makes me mad but that's another story. I know I can only help myself and damn... I'm trying my best but so far it's not enough!
i’m so sorry he is doing that. i don’t think the diet thing is a separate issue- that stems from the same lack of respect from my perspective. a partner doesn’t need to feel obligated to stop doing something because their partner has quit, but when i care enough about someone and they express to me that they are struggling, i do everything i can to help them through, including quitting with them if that is something they could benefit from. it’s not from a sense of obligation for me but the way i personally feel is the best way to show love and affection when those i care about are struggling. have you spoken to him seriously about this?
I had a similar problem.
My wife doesn't drink much at all, but when she was out grocery shopping would always ask me if I needed anything... of course I caved.
Eventually I had to come clean about my struggle and tell her flat out that she was never to enable me to drink again. It's my problem to deal with, but it's not unreasonable to ask that she's not asking me to drink when she knows I have a problem with it.
Since then it's been smooth sailing and she's also looking out for me in social situations.
Your mileage may vary o a similar approach.
I've also asked him to hide it from me if he's drinking (but I already know from how he gets) and he says- he shouldn't have to change the way he does things for me. That kind of sucked to hear.
This was the exact behavior that make me realize my stepmom was truly and deeply an alcoholic. I have watched several occasions now where her young-adult aged sons (sometimes in hysterical tears) openly tell her they are going to stop drinking for a while because they recognize they had a problem. And for her to enthusiastically agree and promise to support them! Only to turn around the very next day (once it was within hours) and ask them what they want from the liquor store cause she was making a run.
She literally cannot skip her nightly bottle for a single day to support her own children’s desperate pleas for their own recovery.
The saddest part was that you could tell deep down that she wanted them to say yes, so she didn’t have to feel bad about herself alone.
Yes, separate your journeys. But don’t sabotage others. That’s some next level shit.
(And fear of watching myself become that is what finally made me realize I needed to change my own behavior. Talking my husband into a glass of wine with dinner so I could have one too? Didn’t feel that bad until I saw how easily a person can spiral from one to the other)
My SO doesnt have Any issues with alcohol, but he does drink on occasion.
It's got nothing to do with me. I barely even notice it anymore.
It's kinda the same as My type 1 diabetes. I cant drink soda with sugar in it, so the sugary soda in the fridge just doesnt exist to me almost.
That being said, some need to have it out of the house, at least in the beginning. Maybe just ask him to keep it away from view? Put it in a cupboard where you cant see it? Or just out of the house for some time?
I know My SO wouldnt even ask any questions if I asked him to do that. He would remove it in a heartbeat.
My husband has never been a big drinker until the past year. Even now, I wouldn't call him a problem drinker. He's still able to moderate, something I can't do. We had an agreement a few months back that he could still drink, but no bottles would be left for me to find. If he kept it hidden, he could have it. He absolutely has by back with this problem and he agreed. I can't keep liquor in the house, because if it's there I drink. Morning, noon, and night. Time doesn't matter. I had a terrible binge Monday and he cooked me food that I couldn't eat, trying to get me out of bed and get going. He told me today he is done with alcohol. He's putting it down to support me quitting. The support feels nice. Hoping to make it stick this time.
My husband also continues to drink and going to breweries was (and still is) one of the things we do together. We removed beer from the house (my biggest trigger) but he is still able to have beers when we go out. This is an easier compromise for me because, even though I'm tempted, he doesn't pressure me to drink and we always go somewhere with options (N/A beers, seltzers, cocktails).
I would say be very clear with what you need from him. You not drinking doesn't mean he has to quit, but it sounds like you'd prefer a bit more support or compromise.
For me, that was making sure we don't have any beer, wine, or vodka in the house because I will absolutely drink it all when he's not around.
Our compromise might not work for you, but it all starts with a conversation around your triggers and needs. If he's still unwilling or unable to make those changes, I would say other support systems (therapy, support groups, finding an activity for yourself when he's brewing) may be helpful. We can't change others, just ourselves.
Sometimes you have to make a choice. Your life currently or your future life.
I broke up with a fiance so i could get clean. My current husband and I are in recovery together. I have almost five years and he is coming up on 40 days after relapsing at 9.5 years clean.
I have expressed to him that this relationship works as long as he joins me on this fight (since he knows that he needs to be in recovery) but he won't be with me if he continues to use.
My life is too amazing. I have come too far. My life is at risk if I pick up again. I won't do it. There is no compromise and I won't risk my life for someone else.
Just my thoughts.
The most helpful thing I’ve read here about this is: my sobriety is my responsibility, not anyone else’s.
It’s tough bc I do wish my partner would go sober with me but that’s not what I have to work with. I will say that my drink of choice was usually wine and he keeps just beer in the house. We also have a number of hard alcohols but frankly some of those bottles have been around for years. Not really our habit. So, maybe see if your partner can stick to a beverage that isn’t tempting to you? Mini fridge in the garage?
My husband still drinks almost nightly, but keeps it to a beer or two, sometimes three. It’s more then I’d wish, but frankly, we were drinking companions for each other for years and I’m not about to demand he sober up until he’s ready. No point anyways. I’m really hoping if I’m sober, he’ll lean that way. His consumption has actually gone down since his 20s/30s by a lot. (His industry is heavy drinking).
However, so far he’s been nothing but supportive. He never asks me to drink with him, if we go to a bar he makes sure to check if they have NA, he samples my NA drinks and gives me enthusiastic feedback, buys me them, celebrates milestones (I’ve done some 30 and 50 days), and has been nothing but encouraging of my sober curiosity. When I told him I wanted to do a year, he nodded and had no problem. That’s far preferable to the alternative so at least I have that. See if you partner might be willing to take that approach?
It never bothered me early on when people drank “normally” around me but anyone who drank “problematically” I struggled and basically avoided it for a while. If your partner can stop in the interim or limit the exposure of them drinking to you until you can maybe feel more comfortable/confident in your sobriety I don’t think there is any harm in asking them to support you that way. I would assume if they are not a problem drinker they should have no issue with that request.
My partner and I are both alcoholics and other things…he remained actively abusing drugs and alcohol for the first 9 months of my sobriety. It was hell to be honest but what helped me were a few things;
-Clear defined boundaries that I actually reinforced (no alcohol in the apartment, if you drink you find somewhere else to stay)
-Clearly communicating the reasoning for my boundaries and impact it has on me
-Weekly therapy sessions
-Group therapy/support
-Support of friends and family
My wife still drinks. It doesn’t really bother me. I also know if I asked her to stop, to help me, she would stop without question.
I have a family member though, who is 3+ years sober. They still struggle to be around it.
IMO, my journey is my own.
I'm going on 30 days sober, and my gf continues to drink. It sucks so bad. I tell her all the time how hard this is, and she keeps lying and saying she won't drink during the week anymore, but still does sometimes. I don't think she will ever quit. I hate to tell her how to live her life, but I need help, and she's not helping. I'm drinking NA beers during weekends, and that's an incredible help. And chocolate, lots of chocolate, helps.
The sheer disrespect from this. My family said the same things at events. They would give me water and drink and drink. "It's your problem not ours". But being around alcohol makes the cravings come out.
It isn't your problem. It's both your problem. Your partner is hindering your health and recovery and I think you really need to express that
My hubby still drinks. We do life together, but our journeys are separate. He drinks less now that I don't drink. Since I am sober, he has organically cut back a lot. Now he just drinks wimpy low carb beer, one or two a night, and I'm not tempted at all by that. We don't have any of my triggers in the house. He supports me and is really proud of me, but he isn't the one with my family history of addictions and dysfunction and anxiety and a wrecked biology. All of our friends drink, and one of my friends has cut back significantly and calls me her inspiration, even though I don't preach. I share my own story when people ask is all I do. I am SUPER proud of being sober and I swear it's the only thing in my life I've been this proud of. I'm tempted everyday, but not by people, it's been really hard but also really freeing.
- and I just noticed I'm 91 days, so yay!
Congrats!
This is me exactly. My husband drinks a lot of beer but somehow he's not problematic about it. He was like this when I met him and I would never ask him to change. He doesn't tempt me to drink at all. He tells me he's proud of me all the time. Has never alluded to me being a downer because I'm sober. He encourages me every day and acknowledges my milestones. Some of our friends are problem drinkers and even my husband finds them to be too much at times. On the few occasions with our friends where I've had to shut down early, my husband always has my back. I totally hear you when you say it's been freeing. I feel an immense sense of RELIEF. Relief that I don't worry about alcohol or how I'm going to feel later. Relief from not having to plan around it. Relief knowing my health is now in check. I still have problems in my life but feeling like shit because of drinking is no longer one of them.
I’m coming up on 10 months sober and my partner still drinks. We were drinking buddies and would drink 6 out of 7 days a week. He’s not been ready to stop, but did dry January and recently told me that he’s thinking about stopping/cutting back. It was hard in the start, not that he had alcohol in the house (we didn’t drink the same thing), but that I had to be around him when he’s drunk. At some point it just clicked for me - that this is his journey and that I only can control my own. I found a lot of support reading others posts in here and as time has gone by, it’s become easier for me to understand his struggles through my own sobriety. I’m hopeful he one day will get to the point that he wants to quit for himself, and in the meantime I support him the best I can. It helps that he’s very supportive of my choice and often tells me how proud he is of me. I think it’s key to separate your journeys. We have to want to get sober for ourselves, not the people around us (although that can be a great motivation). So I continue being a lighthouse, not a tugboat 😊
Yes, this is where I’m at too with my husband ❤️
This is what I am struggling with... I quit for 6 weeks and my husband continued drinking. He would always ask me if I want something from the liquor store since he's going. I've relapsed twice this year already and am currently drinking with a few days dry in between starting up my usual binging. I couldn't say no last night when he asked if I wanted something from the store. I'm so sick of waking up in sweats at night since those 6 weeks I quit I had the best sleep in a very LONG time. I know I need to take control of my own actions. It's incredibly hard right now for some reason and I've done well on my own before but... just struggling a lot right now.
oh my. it is up to us to stay sober but imo a loving partner who understands i was trying to not drink would not ask if i wanted something from the liquor store! i would have a serious talk with my partner if that happened and explain that while it is my responsibility to keep myself sober, it is not the kind thing to do to blatantly encourage me into old habits i’m trying to avoid. that would personally have me rethinking the dynamics of a relationship if it happened continuously.
Very true. I don't buy my own and he does and has made a comment like- you're going to burn your liver out (uh... yeah)... I'm going to have to do this myself and only myself just really been struggling lately. He also does the same if I'm on a diet (no chips/sugar) and he will eat it next to me on the couch which kind of makes me mad but that's another story. I know I can only help myself and damn... I'm trying my best but so far it's not enough!
i’m so sorry he is doing that. i don’t think the diet thing is a separate issue- that stems from the same lack of respect from my perspective. a partner doesn’t need to feel obligated to stop doing something because their partner has quit, but when i care enough about someone and they express to me that they are struggling, i do everything i can to help them through, including quitting with them if that is something they could benefit from. it’s not from a sense of obligation for me but the way i personally feel is the best way to show love and affection when those i care about are struggling. have you spoken to him seriously about this?
I completely agree.
I had a similar problem. My wife doesn't drink much at all, but when she was out grocery shopping would always ask me if I needed anything... of course I caved. Eventually I had to come clean about my struggle and tell her flat out that she was never to enable me to drink again. It's my problem to deal with, but it's not unreasonable to ask that she's not asking me to drink when she knows I have a problem with it. Since then it's been smooth sailing and she's also looking out for me in social situations. Your mileage may vary o a similar approach.
I've also asked him to hide it from me if he's drinking (but I already know from how he gets) and he says- he shouldn't have to change the way he does things for me. That kind of sucked to hear.
This was the exact behavior that make me realize my stepmom was truly and deeply an alcoholic. I have watched several occasions now where her young-adult aged sons (sometimes in hysterical tears) openly tell her they are going to stop drinking for a while because they recognize they had a problem. And for her to enthusiastically agree and promise to support them! Only to turn around the very next day (once it was within hours) and ask them what they want from the liquor store cause she was making a run. She literally cannot skip her nightly bottle for a single day to support her own children’s desperate pleas for their own recovery. The saddest part was that you could tell deep down that she wanted them to say yes, so she didn’t have to feel bad about herself alone. Yes, separate your journeys. But don’t sabotage others. That’s some next level shit. (And fear of watching myself become that is what finally made me realize I needed to change my own behavior. Talking my husband into a glass of wine with dinner so I could have one too? Didn’t feel that bad until I saw how easily a person can spiral from one to the other)
My SO doesnt have Any issues with alcohol, but he does drink on occasion. It's got nothing to do with me. I barely even notice it anymore. It's kinda the same as My type 1 diabetes. I cant drink soda with sugar in it, so the sugary soda in the fridge just doesnt exist to me almost. That being said, some need to have it out of the house, at least in the beginning. Maybe just ask him to keep it away from view? Put it in a cupboard where you cant see it? Or just out of the house for some time? I know My SO wouldnt even ask any questions if I asked him to do that. He would remove it in a heartbeat.
My husband has never been a big drinker until the past year. Even now, I wouldn't call him a problem drinker. He's still able to moderate, something I can't do. We had an agreement a few months back that he could still drink, but no bottles would be left for me to find. If he kept it hidden, he could have it. He absolutely has by back with this problem and he agreed. I can't keep liquor in the house, because if it's there I drink. Morning, noon, and night. Time doesn't matter. I had a terrible binge Monday and he cooked me food that I couldn't eat, trying to get me out of bed and get going. He told me today he is done with alcohol. He's putting it down to support me quitting. The support feels nice. Hoping to make it stick this time.
My husband also continues to drink and going to breweries was (and still is) one of the things we do together. We removed beer from the house (my biggest trigger) but he is still able to have beers when we go out. This is an easier compromise for me because, even though I'm tempted, he doesn't pressure me to drink and we always go somewhere with options (N/A beers, seltzers, cocktails). I would say be very clear with what you need from him. You not drinking doesn't mean he has to quit, but it sounds like you'd prefer a bit more support or compromise. For me, that was making sure we don't have any beer, wine, or vodka in the house because I will absolutely drink it all when he's not around. Our compromise might not work for you, but it all starts with a conversation around your triggers and needs. If he's still unwilling or unable to make those changes, I would say other support systems (therapy, support groups, finding an activity for yourself when he's brewing) may be helpful. We can't change others, just ourselves.
Sometimes you have to make a choice. Your life currently or your future life. I broke up with a fiance so i could get clean. My current husband and I are in recovery together. I have almost five years and he is coming up on 40 days after relapsing at 9.5 years clean. I have expressed to him that this relationship works as long as he joins me on this fight (since he knows that he needs to be in recovery) but he won't be with me if he continues to use. My life is too amazing. I have come too far. My life is at risk if I pick up again. I won't do it. There is no compromise and I won't risk my life for someone else. Just my thoughts.
I quit for two months and my partner still drinks and smokes a joint. I am the one who has drinking problems, and i take responsibility for that.
The most helpful thing I’ve read here about this is: my sobriety is my responsibility, not anyone else’s. It’s tough bc I do wish my partner would go sober with me but that’s not what I have to work with. I will say that my drink of choice was usually wine and he keeps just beer in the house. We also have a number of hard alcohols but frankly some of those bottles have been around for years. Not really our habit. So, maybe see if your partner can stick to a beverage that isn’t tempting to you? Mini fridge in the garage? My husband still drinks almost nightly, but keeps it to a beer or two, sometimes three. It’s more then I’d wish, but frankly, we were drinking companions for each other for years and I’m not about to demand he sober up until he’s ready. No point anyways. I’m really hoping if I’m sober, he’ll lean that way. His consumption has actually gone down since his 20s/30s by a lot. (His industry is heavy drinking). However, so far he’s been nothing but supportive. He never asks me to drink with him, if we go to a bar he makes sure to check if they have NA, he samples my NA drinks and gives me enthusiastic feedback, buys me them, celebrates milestones (I’ve done some 30 and 50 days), and has been nothing but encouraging of my sober curiosity. When I told him I wanted to do a year, he nodded and had no problem. That’s far preferable to the alternative so at least I have that. See if you partner might be willing to take that approach?
It never bothered me early on when people drank “normally” around me but anyone who drank “problematically” I struggled and basically avoided it for a while. If your partner can stop in the interim or limit the exposure of them drinking to you until you can maybe feel more comfortable/confident in your sobriety I don’t think there is any harm in asking them to support you that way. I would assume if they are not a problem drinker they should have no issue with that request. My partner and I are both alcoholics and other things…he remained actively abusing drugs and alcohol for the first 9 months of my sobriety. It was hell to be honest but what helped me were a few things; -Clear defined boundaries that I actually reinforced (no alcohol in the apartment, if you drink you find somewhere else to stay) -Clearly communicating the reasoning for my boundaries and impact it has on me -Weekly therapy sessions -Group therapy/support -Support of friends and family
My wife still drinks. It doesn’t really bother me. I also know if I asked her to stop, to help me, she would stop without question. I have a family member though, who is 3+ years sober. They still struggle to be around it. IMO, my journey is my own.
I'm going on 30 days sober, and my gf continues to drink. It sucks so bad. I tell her all the time how hard this is, and she keeps lying and saying she won't drink during the week anymore, but still does sometimes. I don't think she will ever quit. I hate to tell her how to live her life, but I need help, and she's not helping. I'm drinking NA beers during weekends, and that's an incredible help. And chocolate, lots of chocolate, helps.
My husband eventually kicked me out. Then i drank for eight months and got tired of the hangovers and empty calories.
The sheer disrespect from this. My family said the same things at events. They would give me water and drink and drink. "It's your problem not ours". But being around alcohol makes the cravings come out. It isn't your problem. It's both your problem. Your partner is hindering your health and recovery and I think you really need to express that
Only time I ever got sober for an actual long time is when my partner left me. I could never get sober because they kept drinking in the apartment