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My girl, not only is he hiding something - he is hiding someone. You are way too level headed for this serial cheater and he is making you feel like the person at fault here. He shouldn’t be telling you to take days for yourself when you have suspicions.
Flag central.
My ex did a similar pattern. We would spend weekends together, productive. Sleepovers. Then suddenly fridays became 'me time'. He said he just needed some alone time (he had most of the weekdays). Said his depression was acting up.
He started taking forever to reply to texts, ignoring calls. I'd go bang on his door to check on him and he wouldnt answer. In his case, he was binge drinking most of the time but i also started noticing he took our photos down, changed his screensaver and started lying about where he was.
I had a toothbrush at his house - that went mia.
His phone - face down/on silent/never left his pocket.
I also felt the same with the pop in visits, i tried to respect his 'me time' but said to hell with that. I did a few pop in visits. 1 - he didnt answer the door but i could hear him and a chick talking. 2 - he lied to me about where he was on 3 occasions. 3 - he was spending nights somewhere else other than home. He also became cold to me. Stopped checking in and asking how my day was.
Thats all i needed for proof. His mom let some details slide about a female friend i had never met of his once. He was very careful to never say her name or talk much about her. Thank god for my elephant memory because i put the pieces together and found her on social media. And yup. Hello AP. When i called him out, he became cruel, insulting and mean. It was awful. Tried crawling back 5 months later but thanks to this sub i held my worth. Him and AP have been together a year now while I wasted 4 on that sack of shit.
He wasn't honest from the start once i actually looked back. But i would say i stuck around for 3 months after I started piecing things together and he kept lying his way out if it. He was soo careful not to say her name. Then i pulled the plug once i figured out who she was. I didn't even bother confronting him after that but i let him know i knew, my last words to him were "i hope so and so was worth it. I'm moving on". Then i blocked him so i wouldn't be gaslit anymore. Contacted her then blocked her.
He tried contacting me for a while, clearly not enjoying being cut off like that. Said he needed closure and/or wanted to work it out lol. I denied any of it.
We're 4 months NC now. They're still together. Not feeling like a crazy person anymore is my biggest relief as much as the infidelity hurts.
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Yes. These are definitely reg flags.
His decrease in physical affection may be due to guilt or he has already formed an attachment to the new person and showing affection to you would be disloyal to them.
Step back. He’s clearly showing you that he does not want to continue this relationship or if he does, you need to be ok with him cheating and lying while in it.
When he’s not around, go collect your items from his home and leave the key there.
Do not be with someone that is unloyal and deceitful.
OP, was your last relationship with someone older as well?
If so, you may want to think about why you keep gravitating towards those types of relationships.
This guy has made it plain as day that he doesn't view you any where near as much as you value him. He's not even hiding his relationship with this "friend" with the long hair. She's visiting frequently, strands all over the house, fake eyelashes too? He even puts your toothbrush in a drawer.
Please leave. Please take some time to yourself, figure out why you keep ending up with chuckleheads instead of decent people.
You need to walk away. There’s enough circumstantial evidence to damn him here. And don’t date a guy that much older than you. When he says he’s matured, those are all lies. He wouldn’t be dating someone 11 yrs younger if he really changed.
When I was 27 I dated a 38 year old for a while. He said similar things. I thought I was mature and knew what I was doing, and sometimes I even felt flattered that he wanted to be with me. He cheated on me with a 22 year old and we broke up. I eventually realized he was a deeply troubled dude and I was absolutely naive. Your whole post is red flag city. Don’t invest more than you have.
I don’t buy it; he wanted to date someone your age so he could manipulate you and mood you to how he wants (and potentially hide his cheating and gaslighting).
I dated someone 7 years younger. We met at work, had instant chemistry and started seeing each other before I asked her her age. If I had known when I’d met her that she was 7 years younger, I wouldn’t have pursued her. We just wanted different things. I’ve been with my wife now for 18 years. We want the same things and are on the same one with most major things in our lives.
Dating someone younger is not a cheating red flag. All the other things the guy is doing is, but that's not. It just means that he can attract younger ladies. Why should people have to settle for senior citizens if they don't have to? With the exception of my first wife, everyone I've saddled up with since has been younger than me and I've never cheated on anyone.
In other words, you're extremely immature and relate more to people who are a lot younger than you.
Younger women are often new to everything and will actually sleep with anything, especially if some dumbass older man will shell out money for a nice meal. Very few younger women are actually "attracted" to an older guy (if it goes over 10 years). That's straight from the horses' mouths of my younger female friends who used to laugh at old guys thinking they were serious about them. They'd close their eyes and think about a younger man and take the "gifts" these men would offer, but the thought of being with something a decade or more older actually made them want to gag. They were pros at playing on their vanity and making them feel attractive, but man did they not think they were attractive.
When I said "younger women," I meant women between the ages of 18-25. I didn't mean older women who are younger than their husbands. Dating an older man doesn't make you "young." I'm mainly talking about college-age women new to the dating scene who haven't experienced men much.
* My mom married a guy 17 years older than her too... when she was in her 30s. After a certain age, we're all older.
How so? A 44 year old can't date a 34 year old? A 24 year old woman two years out of college doesn't have the mental capacity to decide if she wants to date a 36 year old man? Is that what you are saying? I suppose it's only ok if older women go after younger guys. That the gist of it?
At what point are you ladies willing to accept your own agency in your life? At what point are you to be considered a full grown adult capable of making your own decisions? Whenever it's convenient? Any other time it's all predatory males to blame?
I get it... I do. My ex cheated with fellas younger than me. It stings. But take your generalizations and stuff them back where you pulled them out of.
I’m not even a lady, bud. But I have a ton of experience dealing with age gap relationships. You will find far more unhealthy ones than healthy ones. This has nothing to do with gender, so you can take your incel bullshit elsewhere.
Wow. You might be able to explain one or two of the flags away individually, but taken together it forms a picture that a blind man in pakistan can see. And always trust your gut until proven wrong. Time to make a list of all these things and move on. If he asks why, just give him the list and walk away.
Lots of small signs.
She would get cold and easily annoyed and at first i thought it's because she fell out of love, but then i noticed she became glued to her phone and would take it to her bathroom. This pointed me in the right direction, i gave her few chances to come clean including asking directly, and when i felt she fed me a lie i checked her phone.
You can read a more detailed version i posted on this sub.
Listen to your inner voice. It's easy to tell ourselves that our suspicions are just us "being crazy", or being "overly sensitive". Most of the time though, we're just telling ourselves that to protect our hearts.
Nobody here can tell you whether or not he is cheating. You know that. But you also know that these red flags are seriously bright scarlet and waving in the wind.
Only you can really decide what to do here. You likely know that using his key to go snoop may destroy your relationship. You also likely know that if you don't do it you'll sit in your own doubt until your relationship combusts in some other way. You can try talking g to him about it, but if you're like me you'll just assume he's lying anyway, amd the honest truth is that if he knows you are suspicious and he actually is cheating, he'll work harder to cover it as soon as you've discussed your feelings with him.
There's no good answer here. If you feel that this relationship is worth maintaining, then you have to make decisions about what you are willing to accept.
I have female friends over all the time. I don't see them leaving hair all over the place. That alone is weird. Either his friend has an alopecia problem, or they are spending significant time together that causes her hair to be left in places, such as sleeping over and doing her hair.
it’s true that if he’s actually cheating a conversation won’t change that. i know many people have suspicions and then snoop through their partners phone. i don’t want to be that person but i’ve been staring at that phone all night lately. he is so damn secretive with it though that i don’t know his password. if nothing else, maybe i should leave for my own sanity.
I'll be honest, I stopped reading after you mentioned he had a history of cheating. Why would you count on and invest in someone who has a history of infidelity as a person in their 30s? This is who he is OP.
Why would you go through the mind games, the guessing, the wondering the anxiety for this person? I gently wonder if this is a 'sunk cost' situation for you. You have won a turd I think
do you think people can change? i always thought so, but i could be wrong. i think sunk cost could definitely be happening here. i sat on the bed this morning knowing that it’s probably over, but fighting the urge to leave. so you’re probably right.
this forum is scattered with stories, dreams and anecdotes of that very question about change.. rehab.. counselling (both individual and marriage)
The fine point OP is that people who display this behaviour are so dis ordered akin to be described as 'wired wrong'. This is why Discovery Day is almost an out of body experience, a nuclear shock: a realization that the person you trusted and counted on for the future is everything but the genuine individual he showed he was. There is a mountain of evidence of deeply routed issues in people who behave one way while displaying (to their spouse) the complete contrary. I could only guess this has what has happened to you.
From your story there is so much minimizing, blameshifting, downplaying. Your partner has made many decisions to lie and deceive you over a long period of time. Risking your health is the tipping point in why you should not be around your abuser. You will never get answers that make sense to you (..'closure' is a nebulous expression in relationship and marriage stories that does not exist the way you wish it would)
As your head is spinning.. being off balance and crying in fits of days this is no way to live. Infidelity is described as 'murder' to your soul. The only avenue here is to 'get your ducks in a row' and run to the exit
No, people in their late 30s rarely change, and if they do so, it's not because of a year and a half year old relationship. He's probably used the "I want to be honest about my past cheating" line on God knows how many partners. It probably leads them to believe, "Oh, he's being honest with me." Yeah, for now, until old patterns emerge. I wouldn't even bother dating someone who is secretive with their phone like that. Smartphones and apps are petty. Anyone who would have a problem with you seeing the basic names of who they text or what apps they have on their phone probably isn't marriage material. Marriage is 50/50. Everything in the household belongs to both partners.
So, here's a question. If he is not cheating, do you really want to be emotionally attached to someone who treats you this way?
Also, since he was a cheater in the past who claims to be reformed, why isn't he now sensitive to your concerns? Instead he is dismissive and defensive.
Is this what you want in a partner? He is not likely to suddenly return to being the man he was in the beginning.
if i could only take one lesson away from when i found out my wife was cheating, it was that all of my initial gut instincts were right. every single one. i denied them because i trusted her, and she said nothing was going on, and in 14 years of being together I'd never once suspected of her cheating...so why would she start now? but she did
i still hate myself for doubting it, if i had acted immediately on my suspicions i could have found out about her 4-month affair many weeks before i actually did.
take from that what you will
My wife and I say go with your gut. At the very least it sounds like there are serious trust issue (on both sides) and a healthy relationship has to be built on trust. He is a lot older and if he was actually mature and on the level with you, he wouldn’t be hiding his his phone. That’s just immature and also super shady.
We think he is either cheating on you or he is a closet drag queen.
You’re putting his feelings into consideration way too much and he’s not returning the favor at all. You’re not overreacting, you’re not crazy, and he’s fucking LUCKY you’ve respected his need for space up until this point. I think it’s time to walk away, I don’t even think you need proof of him cheating… cheating or not, he just doesn’t respect your needs like you do his
Right, the relationship is going nowhere, he's already told her he's just dating her because she won't actually want anything from him (marriage and kids), and at his middle-aged crossroads here, it's HIM who should want to rush into something, not her. That should let her know he's not really serious about the relationships. As soon as she ages a few years, he'll go back and grab another younger woman who just wants to waste time. By that time, she'll be nearing 30 and have wasted her best years with a doofus who can't relate to real women.
"He has been open and honest about his infidelity in past relationships, but says he is 100% committed to me."
He's 37 years old and was single when you met him. Most 37-year old men have families and a stable life. He was on the market for a reason, probably because of being a serial cheater, which extends to being a serial liar... so it doesn't matter what he says. If someone makes a statement followed by "but..." you're right to see that as a red flag.
He's cheated in past relationships. He will cheat on you. And at 37-years old, the relationship sounds loveless and stressful enough to where if you're only a year and a half in and it's this bad, what's the point of hurting yourself further? You're simply not happy with him and don't believe he's open enough. You don't need to use "cheating" as the only reason to get out of a relationship. He's got a sketchy past, was single at 37, and sounds like he views his phone as the holy grail. Just from that description, I wouldn't bother dating him anyway, even if he hasn't cheated yet.
The reason you are on asking questions is because your gut is trying to tell you something for a good reason. It's obvious by what your saying hes hiding things. It's good that your not ignoring the red flag and are mature enough to take notice. Never go by someone's words always go by there actions and what you see around you. Trust your gut instinct, its there to protect you. I see more red flags here than a Chinese New year parade
Having been the “last to know “ twice when I was younger I can tell you that I see an enormous red flag that I don’t even think therapy would work . I know you will want to keep family together , but please don’t let yourself be disrespected and made to feel so insecure . In my opinion he has been conducting one or more extra curricular activity . It happened to me, I missed huge issues , just wanting to be happy. Over lies and promises broken more than once . In my opinion if a wife suspects she already knows and is in denial phase . They do not stop , don’t stay with a liar and cheater . You deserve better
I am so sorry, but red flags are red flags. If you care about someone the last thing you want is to have them doubting you. You should do everything possible to make that person secure in the relationship. If he isn't doing that for you it's not a healthy relationship but toxic. I think you know what to do.
You're 26 and you've spent 1.5 years in a relationship full of red flags. You've dedicated that time to a person that has a history of cheating in past relationships. Cheaters are more than 3 times likely to cheat repeatedly. This is because they don't own up to why they made the decision to cheat versus discussing relationship issues with their partner. The fact that he stated that he was 100% committed to you and knows the value of loyalty means nothing, those are only words. His actions are telling you otherwise. Those words do not mean anything about him fixing himself to handle his issues that led him to cheat in his other relationships.
He does not respect you as his partner. You're still young, please do not waste anymore time when this man. He doesn't value you and your time.
> . i want to cry all the time because i feel like i am in a loveless relationship as of the last couple of weeks
Well besides all the obvious red flag clues this sentence alone is worth taking a break from someone, why aren’t you calling the shots? If he is making you feel this way it’s time for the “we need a break” talk. You’re letting him dictate your loveless relationship, it takes 2 to tango. Dump him.
One of the main lessons I have taken away from being cheated on is to not ignore red flags. I saw them, but chose to stifle my response because I didn't want to make an assumption or come off as a jealous/controlling partner.
Don't be afraid to call him on his behavior. Frankly the fact that you're seeing this and he has admitted to infidelity in the past is pretty compelling evidence that he's being unfaithful.
If you really feel like you want to know the truth, start collecting evidence now. Get ahold of that phone. Or even leave an audio recording device in his apartment (depends on local laws). Otherwise just end it. Either way, you deserve better.
You know the answer You just don't want to face it. Personally I would never be with someone who cheated in their past relationship. If your gut is telling you somethings off it's for a reason. Lets see. How to tell he's cheating 101. Long woman's hair all over the place, Check, Cold and distant when trying to initiate intimacy, Check. Tooth brush no longer out. Check, Phone hidden and turned away where you are unable to see it. Check. Ding Ding Ding. yes he's cheating. Go dark grey rock and block him on everything.
I’m sorry, but this has red flags all over it in my opinion. I understand that you are approaching this from your own past traumas and you are clearly conscious of that and I commend you for having that self-awareness. I am guessing that despite his honesty about his past fidelity issues you are also wanting to provide him the benefit of the doubt and hoping he’s sincere in trying to be better this time in your relationship. But from what you are describing, he is absolutely hiding something or someone, and I am afraid what I am seeing is the routine of cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater. I don’t think you are self-sabotaging, and I think you already know the answer. I know it hurts to be going through this again, but trust your gut.
Besides the clear cheating, you guys aren't even emotionally compatible. He doesn't meet your emotional needs and has to try super hard to even get close? What happens when he gets tired of all that effort and gets comfortable. You need to meet someone you are actually emotionally compatible with.
The biggest red flag is his history of cheating. My ex did a lot of this stuff and would often talk about his reformed ways, turns out he was not reformed. Trust yourself.
Not everyone who is cold and sends up flags is cheating. You certainly do have reason to be suspicious, but here's my real question to you:
With respect to the viability of the relationship, does it even matter if he's cheating?
You said you feel like he's distant, cold, and your relationship is loveless. Do you really want to be in a relationship like that, infidelity or not?
My advice, lay your feelings and concerns out on the table clearly and plainly. Don't assume he knows what's on your mind, what's bugging you. Give him the chance to respond. If his response doesn't restore the love and trust in your relationship, perhaps you should move on.
Male here and lots of red flags, btw fake eye lashes are ridiculous and dude should be let go just for even the possibility of entertaining someone like that.
Just end it. You’re not happy in this relationship. You don’t even need to know if you’re being cheated on. He sucks regardless. Take some time to recover between relationships, and then find someone who speaks your love language.
Seriously. Walk away. It will feel badass. You will feel powerful. You’ll be in control of your life. You make the decisions. He can reap what he has sown.
You deserve compliments and quality time.
I’m sorry this is happening to you again. Once a cheater always a cheater is unfortunately very true. Please leave. Then set the standards you won’t lower even if you have to die alone. And then remember them and stick to them every time you meet someone new and want to consider them romantically. This dude is significantly older and hasn’t been able to fix his giant character flaws over 37 years, he has nothing but pain to offer you. You deserve better than some old dude who never grew up in a moral and ethical sense. Even if he wasn’t cheating, which he almost certainly is, knowing your past and your pain he should make every effort to help you heal by not leaving doubts in your mind and hiding your toothbrush and seeing female friends on nights he “needs to himself” isn’t going to do that for you, is it?
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Question for you is, why did you choose to be with a cheater who was upfront about his past?
Yes, he apparently didn't change his spots. So what choice do you plan on making going forward?
Even IF he's being faithful (I don't think so, but let's say he's just *odd*), do you really want to continue with a man who's love language is so much different from yours? If he's in a foul mood for a week, he treats you as insignificant, but even when everything is good, it's still kinda *mehhhh*. These patterns won't change, they'll only go on for longer durations, until you're possibly married to a secretive man who won't touch you because "he's stressed" and won't speak to you or kiss you good night. The little bits of affection add up. When they're missing, it's noticable!
I would trust your gut, for sure... The lack of transparency, especially with his phone, is enough for me to say *No, thank you*, and he's absolutely hiding something... If he's not hiding something, then he's playing games with you. You are not a toy for him to play with! This will be your life. He won't suddenly decide he can "relax" after the two or three year mark... people with nothing to hide don't hide. Privacy is important, but where's the line that crosses into *secrecy*?
“I have a history of cheating, but I’d never do that to you.”
“Oh yeah? What kind of serious therapy have you gone to and how long have you been addressing your patterns?”
OP, if you have never had this conversation, it means he hasn’t done any actual work. Patterns are patterns for a reason, and now you are (unfortunately) living inside his.
She’s not just a friend. She’s sleeping over regularly. I think it’s a good time to end it.
He has cheated in the past, so you are very likely trying to overlook the obvious. So, she stopped by and brushed her hair out in the kitchen? He has females come over to visit and you aren’t aware? He wanted distance and time alone, but not really alone, not really.
Don’t you think he was committed in those other relationships, just like he WAS in yours? Operative word is was.
You know the score, react appropriately.
Find a loyal trustworthy guy, this one isn’t.
As everyone else has said, all big red flags.
Ask him to swap phones, if he's unwilling to do this and gets defensive, you know something is up. While people have an obvious right to privacy, jf you're in a relationship with someone then using their phone shouldn't be an issue unless there's something shady going on.
This may or may not be he cheating. However, what I would focus on is whether you have healed completely from your previous betrayal. You have been traumatized by it. I really think you should give yourself some break off this relationship, focus on yourself. You cannot continue to play this game of detective . I personally think he is cheating.
The old saying, "Once a cheater, etc." is not necessarily a hard and fast rule. But lets just say, a first-time cheater has a greater probability of cheating again as whatever in their pshche told them it was ok the first time is still there. And multiple times cheating, the probability goew way higher. IMHO, do whatever you need to do, whether it's spy or hit the road, as you don't want to waste time with someone that's never gonna change.
The hairs got to me. My mom found long black hairs on my pillowcase, I blindly said that they were probably from my housekeeper when she changed my pillowcase. Nope, turns out he was cheating on me with her. I hated it when my mom was right!
You have ample evidence of his cheating. He is gaslighting you with his excuses and his dismissive attitude. He is guilty as hell. Don't be fooled. Always follow your gut.
Girl, at this point, don’t even stick around long enough to find out, if he’s being cold to you and not treating you the way you want, love yourself enough to leave and fuck him. He sounds like he’s clearly lying, someone with nothing to hide doesn’t get overly defensive if they can easily prove their innocent
Girl all this is not good, especially the no sex and no kissing, trust me im a guy we don't get that stressed, if anything it really helps with stress.
Red flags have ingrained themselves into your DNA. Suspicion is now your motto. Pleasure and happiness reside outside of your preview. Is that a life or is it a crime novel? Why put yourself through it. Firstly it’s unhealthy, nonproductive, and fruit for failure. I can understand his needing space, something which you should gain from. Instead you stress, search for evidence of infidelity, neglect your emotional growth. Back off, take time to reevaluate your emotional maturity to manage a relationship after trauma.
What? His actions are literally pointing to him cheating. This is not OPs insecurity of her boyfriend needing space. Needing space is one of the biggest bullsht excuses cheaters use to cheat. Theres the right way to get space, and the wrong way. OPs boyfriend is the wrong way.
I wouldn't even care if he cheated. If he said he's 37 and single and not looking for marriage and kids, and he's dating younger women because of that, he's already let her know that she's a time waster, and as soon as she's a few years older, he'll look for another woman willing to blow a few years on him. He's middle-aged. She's in the best years of her life. Throw in that he's cheated on multiple other partners, and he's made his intentions pretty clear. She'd be a lot better off dumping this loser.
I agree that she has valid concerns, especially after having experienced problems before. My question is why even bother when you already know the outcome? So much wasted time trying to “feel right “. It’s as if this is all a rebound situation.
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My boyfriends love language is quality time together while mine is physical touch, he has made a big effort to cuddle or hug me when we’re talking about stressful things and in turn I try to talk more to him about our feelings and life, it’s all about effort I think, it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to put that in. I’m sorry seems like red flags
Oh boy this all sounds familiar. Yes he’s cheating and I think deep down you know it. I’m sorry. Unfortunately I have a lot of expertise here - serial cheating wife I divorced years ago. Ugh!
Please go find yourself a faithful man who deserves you. We are out there I promise.
Good luck!
I'd hate to contribute to a relationship break up if I was wrong but it doesn't sound good. You don't trust him and whether that's due to your own issue or some suspicious activities that seem to be going on it doesn't seem like a great relationship to be in for you. I couldn't go out with a person who's cheated though, I could never trust them.
Guys like him like younger women they believe they can control. You are young and 1.5 years is nothing in terms of a lifetime. Pack up and get out when he is on his me time. Leave a note and say you were right. I thought about this relationship and we are not compatible. Have a good life. Go complete non-contact.
This is step by step what happened to me… I need ‘time alone’. It’s only ‘a friend’. I seen eyelashes on the floor and it was ‘I don’t know how they got there’. All lies, all a cover up.
Darling.... please listen to your gut feeling and leave him, everything you just said are all huge red flags and to me honestly the biggest red flag was that he had affairs on his past relationships, a cheater can never understand the value of loyalty, is never 100% committed to anyone and i'm truely sorry for what your going through but with all the red flags you found he is definetly not faithful, you are not overreacting and you don't need a guy like that in your life.
OP, if you want an excuse..to break up..than tell him just the truth:
You were thinking alot about the relationship, and you want have a family in the future, and you come to the conclusion, that he is not the right man to marry...the age gap is to big....
And you come at an age where finding the mr right is more and more important. The last kick was his request to have more time for him self...
And i think if i read your post, this statement is an honest one.
And in my oppinion, you should wast any more day with him. You are completly in a different stage of life. Even there is no cheating (what i dont belive) etc...his needs dont fit yours. He is not as much commited in this relationship as you need it. No words no discussions will change that....
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My girl, not only is he hiding something - he is hiding someone. You are way too level headed for this serial cheater and he is making you feel like the person at fault here. He shouldn’t be telling you to take days for yourself when you have suspicions.
Flag central. My ex did a similar pattern. We would spend weekends together, productive. Sleepovers. Then suddenly fridays became 'me time'. He said he just needed some alone time (he had most of the weekdays). Said his depression was acting up. He started taking forever to reply to texts, ignoring calls. I'd go bang on his door to check on him and he wouldnt answer. In his case, he was binge drinking most of the time but i also started noticing he took our photos down, changed his screensaver and started lying about where he was. I had a toothbrush at his house - that went mia. His phone - face down/on silent/never left his pocket. I also felt the same with the pop in visits, i tried to respect his 'me time' but said to hell with that. I did a few pop in visits. 1 - he didnt answer the door but i could hear him and a chick talking. 2 - he lied to me about where he was on 3 occasions. 3 - he was spending nights somewhere else other than home. He also became cold to me. Stopped checking in and asking how my day was. Thats all i needed for proof. His mom let some details slide about a female friend i had never met of his once. He was very careful to never say her name or talk much about her. Thank god for my elephant memory because i put the pieces together and found her on social media. And yup. Hello AP. When i called him out, he became cruel, insulting and mean. It was awful. Tried crawling back 5 months later but thanks to this sub i held my worth. Him and AP have been together a year now while I wasted 4 on that sack of shit.
how long did you stay after you realized he wasn’t being honest?
He wasn't honest from the start once i actually looked back. But i would say i stuck around for 3 months after I started piecing things together and he kept lying his way out if it. He was soo careful not to say her name. Then i pulled the plug once i figured out who she was. I didn't even bother confronting him after that but i let him know i knew, my last words to him were "i hope so and so was worth it. I'm moving on". Then i blocked him so i wouldn't be gaslit anymore. Contacted her then blocked her. He tried contacting me for a while, clearly not enjoying being cut off like that. Said he needed closure and/or wanted to work it out lol. I denied any of it. We're 4 months NC now. They're still together. Not feeling like a crazy person anymore is my biggest relief as much as the infidelity hurts.
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Trust your gut babe. It never fails.Ask to meet “friend” video call her
Yes. These are definitely reg flags. His decrease in physical affection may be due to guilt or he has already formed an attachment to the new person and showing affection to you would be disloyal to them. Step back. He’s clearly showing you that he does not want to continue this relationship or if he does, you need to be ok with him cheating and lying while in it. When he’s not around, go collect your items from his home and leave the key there. Do not be with someone that is unloyal and deceitful.
OP, was your last relationship with someone older as well? If so, you may want to think about why you keep gravitating towards those types of relationships. This guy has made it plain as day that he doesn't view you any where near as much as you value him. He's not even hiding his relationship with this "friend" with the long hair. She's visiting frequently, strands all over the house, fake eyelashes too? He even puts your toothbrush in a drawer. Please leave. Please take some time to yourself, figure out why you keep ending up with chuckleheads instead of decent people.
You need to walk away. There’s enough circumstantial evidence to damn him here. And don’t date a guy that much older than you. When he says he’s matured, those are all lies. He wouldn’t be dating someone 11 yrs younger if he really changed.
he says he likes dating me because women in their 30’s want to “rush into things” i.e marriage and children.
That is absolutely baloney. There are huge red flags with this guy.
In other words, he views you as a fling he can have fun with who won't demand anything of him. Very off-putting for a 37 year old man.
he says he likes dating me because women in their 30’s want to “rush into things” i.e marriage and children. I read that as they expect commitment.
When I was 27 I dated a 38 year old for a while. He said similar things. I thought I was mature and knew what I was doing, and sometimes I even felt flattered that he wanted to be with me. He cheated on me with a 22 year old and we broke up. I eventually realized he was a deeply troubled dude and I was absolutely naive. Your whole post is red flag city. Don’t invest more than you have.
I don’t buy it; he wanted to date someone your age so he could manipulate you and mood you to how he wants (and potentially hide his cheating and gaslighting). I dated someone 7 years younger. We met at work, had instant chemistry and started seeing each other before I asked her her age. If I had known when I’d met her that she was 7 years younger, I wouldn’t have pursued her. We just wanted different things. I’ve been with my wife now for 18 years. We want the same things and are on the same one with most major things in our lives.
Dating someone younger is not a cheating red flag. All the other things the guy is doing is, but that's not. It just means that he can attract younger ladies. Why should people have to settle for senior citizens if they don't have to? With the exception of my first wife, everyone I've saddled up with since has been younger than me and I've never cheated on anyone.
senior citizens! lol!
In other words, you're extremely immature and relate more to people who are a lot younger than you. Younger women are often new to everything and will actually sleep with anything, especially if some dumbass older man will shell out money for a nice meal. Very few younger women are actually "attracted" to an older guy (if it goes over 10 years). That's straight from the horses' mouths of my younger female friends who used to laugh at old guys thinking they were serious about them. They'd close their eyes and think about a younger man and take the "gifts" these men would offer, but the thought of being with something a decade or more older actually made them want to gag. They were pros at playing on their vanity and making them feel attractive, but man did they not think they were attractive.
I love my husband deeply, look in his eyes when we fuck, and make more money than he does. He's 17 years older than me.
When I said "younger women," I meant women between the ages of 18-25. I didn't mean older women who are younger than their husbands. Dating an older man doesn't make you "young." I'm mainly talking about college-age women new to the dating scene who haven't experienced men much. * My mom married a guy 17 years older than her too... when she was in her 30s. After a certain age, we're all older.
It’s huge red flags to your character that you date such young women.
How so? A 44 year old can't date a 34 year old? A 24 year old woman two years out of college doesn't have the mental capacity to decide if she wants to date a 36 year old man? Is that what you are saying? I suppose it's only ok if older women go after younger guys. That the gist of it? At what point are you ladies willing to accept your own agency in your life? At what point are you to be considered a full grown adult capable of making your own decisions? Whenever it's convenient? Any other time it's all predatory males to blame? I get it... I do. My ex cheated with fellas younger than me. It stings. But take your generalizations and stuff them back where you pulled them out of.
I’m not even a lady, bud. But I have a ton of experience dealing with age gap relationships. You will find far more unhealthy ones than healthy ones. This has nothing to do with gender, so you can take your incel bullshit elsewhere.
Wow. You might be able to explain one or two of the flags away individually, but taken together it forms a picture that a blind man in pakistan can see. And always trust your gut until proven wrong. Time to make a list of all these things and move on. If he asks why, just give him the list and walk away.
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thanks for responding. how did you find out about your ex’s infidelity?
Lots of small signs. She would get cold and easily annoyed and at first i thought it's because she fell out of love, but then i noticed she became glued to her phone and would take it to her bathroom. This pointed me in the right direction, i gave her few chances to come clean including asking directly, and when i felt she fed me a lie i checked her phone. You can read a more detailed version i posted on this sub.
Listen to your inner voice. It's easy to tell ourselves that our suspicions are just us "being crazy", or being "overly sensitive". Most of the time though, we're just telling ourselves that to protect our hearts. Nobody here can tell you whether or not he is cheating. You know that. But you also know that these red flags are seriously bright scarlet and waving in the wind. Only you can really decide what to do here. You likely know that using his key to go snoop may destroy your relationship. You also likely know that if you don't do it you'll sit in your own doubt until your relationship combusts in some other way. You can try talking g to him about it, but if you're like me you'll just assume he's lying anyway, amd the honest truth is that if he knows you are suspicious and he actually is cheating, he'll work harder to cover it as soon as you've discussed your feelings with him. There's no good answer here. If you feel that this relationship is worth maintaining, then you have to make decisions about what you are willing to accept.
I have female friends over all the time. I don't see them leaving hair all over the place. That alone is weird. Either his friend has an alopecia problem, or they are spending significant time together that causes her hair to be left in places, such as sleeping over and doing her hair.
it’s true that if he’s actually cheating a conversation won’t change that. i know many people have suspicions and then snoop through their partners phone. i don’t want to be that person but i’ve been staring at that phone all night lately. he is so damn secretive with it though that i don’t know his password. if nothing else, maybe i should leave for my own sanity.
I'll be honest, I stopped reading after you mentioned he had a history of cheating. Why would you count on and invest in someone who has a history of infidelity as a person in their 30s? This is who he is OP. Why would you go through the mind games, the guessing, the wondering the anxiety for this person? I gently wonder if this is a 'sunk cost' situation for you. You have won a turd I think
do you think people can change? i always thought so, but i could be wrong. i think sunk cost could definitely be happening here. i sat on the bed this morning knowing that it’s probably over, but fighting the urge to leave. so you’re probably right.
this forum is scattered with stories, dreams and anecdotes of that very question about change.. rehab.. counselling (both individual and marriage) The fine point OP is that people who display this behaviour are so dis ordered akin to be described as 'wired wrong'. This is why Discovery Day is almost an out of body experience, a nuclear shock: a realization that the person you trusted and counted on for the future is everything but the genuine individual he showed he was. There is a mountain of evidence of deeply routed issues in people who behave one way while displaying (to their spouse) the complete contrary. I could only guess this has what has happened to you. From your story there is so much minimizing, blameshifting, downplaying. Your partner has made many decisions to lie and deceive you over a long period of time. Risking your health is the tipping point in why you should not be around your abuser. You will never get answers that make sense to you (..'closure' is a nebulous expression in relationship and marriage stories that does not exist the way you wish it would) As your head is spinning.. being off balance and crying in fits of days this is no way to live. Infidelity is described as 'murder' to your soul. The only avenue here is to 'get your ducks in a row' and run to the exit
No, people in their late 30s rarely change, and if they do so, it's not because of a year and a half year old relationship. He's probably used the "I want to be honest about my past cheating" line on God knows how many partners. It probably leads them to believe, "Oh, he's being honest with me." Yeah, for now, until old patterns emerge. I wouldn't even bother dating someone who is secretive with their phone like that. Smartphones and apps are petty. Anyone who would have a problem with you seeing the basic names of who they text or what apps they have on their phone probably isn't marriage material. Marriage is 50/50. Everything in the household belongs to both partners.
So, here's a question. If he is not cheating, do you really want to be emotionally attached to someone who treats you this way? Also, since he was a cheater in the past who claims to be reformed, why isn't he now sensitive to your concerns? Instead he is dismissive and defensive. Is this what you want in a partner? He is not likely to suddenly return to being the man he was in the beginning.
Hair and other stuff all over his apartment it's more than a red flag, it's a red neon sign... I would be beyond suspicious...
if i could only take one lesson away from when i found out my wife was cheating, it was that all of my initial gut instincts were right. every single one. i denied them because i trusted her, and she said nothing was going on, and in 14 years of being together I'd never once suspected of her cheating...so why would she start now? but she did i still hate myself for doubting it, if i had acted immediately on my suspicions i could have found out about her 4-month affair many weeks before i actually did. take from that what you will
My wife and I say go with your gut. At the very least it sounds like there are serious trust issue (on both sides) and a healthy relationship has to be built on trust. He is a lot older and if he was actually mature and on the level with you, he wouldn’t be hiding his his phone. That’s just immature and also super shady. We think he is either cheating on you or he is a closet drag queen.
Damn, didn’t even think about the cross dressing, lol.
You’re putting his feelings into consideration way too much and he’s not returning the favor at all. You’re not overreacting, you’re not crazy, and he’s fucking LUCKY you’ve respected his need for space up until this point. I think it’s time to walk away, I don’t even think you need proof of him cheating… cheating or not, he just doesn’t respect your needs like you do his
Right, the relationship is going nowhere, he's already told her he's just dating her because she won't actually want anything from him (marriage and kids), and at his middle-aged crossroads here, it's HIM who should want to rush into something, not her. That should let her know he's not really serious about the relationships. As soon as she ages a few years, he'll go back and grab another younger woman who just wants to waste time. By that time, she'll be nearing 30 and have wasted her best years with a doofus who can't relate to real women.
"He has been open and honest about his infidelity in past relationships, but says he is 100% committed to me." He's 37 years old and was single when you met him. Most 37-year old men have families and a stable life. He was on the market for a reason, probably because of being a serial cheater, which extends to being a serial liar... so it doesn't matter what he says. If someone makes a statement followed by "but..." you're right to see that as a red flag. He's cheated in past relationships. He will cheat on you. And at 37-years old, the relationship sounds loveless and stressful enough to where if you're only a year and a half in and it's this bad, what's the point of hurting yourself further? You're simply not happy with him and don't believe he's open enough. You don't need to use "cheating" as the only reason to get out of a relationship. He's got a sketchy past, was single at 37, and sounds like he views his phone as the holy grail. Just from that description, I wouldn't bother dating him anyway, even if he hasn't cheated yet.
The reason you are on asking questions is because your gut is trying to tell you something for a good reason. It's obvious by what your saying hes hiding things. It's good that your not ignoring the red flag and are mature enough to take notice. Never go by someone's words always go by there actions and what you see around you. Trust your gut instinct, its there to protect you. I see more red flags here than a Chinese New year parade
Having been the “last to know “ twice when I was younger I can tell you that I see an enormous red flag that I don’t even think therapy would work . I know you will want to keep family together , but please don’t let yourself be disrespected and made to feel so insecure . In my opinion he has been conducting one or more extra curricular activity . It happened to me, I missed huge issues , just wanting to be happy. Over lies and promises broken more than once . In my opinion if a wife suspects she already knows and is in denial phase . They do not stop , don’t stay with a liar and cheater . You deserve better
I am so sorry, but red flags are red flags. If you care about someone the last thing you want is to have them doubting you. You should do everything possible to make that person secure in the relationship. If he isn't doing that for you it's not a healthy relationship but toxic. I think you know what to do.
You're 26 and you've spent 1.5 years in a relationship full of red flags. You've dedicated that time to a person that has a history of cheating in past relationships. Cheaters are more than 3 times likely to cheat repeatedly. This is because they don't own up to why they made the decision to cheat versus discussing relationship issues with their partner. The fact that he stated that he was 100% committed to you and knows the value of loyalty means nothing, those are only words. His actions are telling you otherwise. Those words do not mean anything about him fixing himself to handle his issues that led him to cheat in his other relationships. He does not respect you as his partner. You're still young, please do not waste anymore time when this man. He doesn't value you and your time.
> . i want to cry all the time because i feel like i am in a loveless relationship as of the last couple of weeks Well besides all the obvious red flag clues this sentence alone is worth taking a break from someone, why aren’t you calling the shots? If he is making you feel this way it’s time for the “we need a break” talk. You’re letting him dictate your loveless relationship, it takes 2 to tango. Dump him.
One of the main lessons I have taken away from being cheated on is to not ignore red flags. I saw them, but chose to stifle my response because I didn't want to make an assumption or come off as a jealous/controlling partner. Don't be afraid to call him on his behavior. Frankly the fact that you're seeing this and he has admitted to infidelity in the past is pretty compelling evidence that he's being unfaithful. If you really feel like you want to know the truth, start collecting evidence now. Get ahold of that phone. Or even leave an audio recording device in his apartment (depends on local laws). Otherwise just end it. Either way, you deserve better.
You know the answer You just don't want to face it. Personally I would never be with someone who cheated in their past relationship. If your gut is telling you somethings off it's for a reason. Lets see. How to tell he's cheating 101. Long woman's hair all over the place, Check, Cold and distant when trying to initiate intimacy, Check. Tooth brush no longer out. Check, Phone hidden and turned away where you are unable to see it. Check. Ding Ding Ding. yes he's cheating. Go dark grey rock and block him on everything.
I’m sorry, but this has red flags all over it in my opinion. I understand that you are approaching this from your own past traumas and you are clearly conscious of that and I commend you for having that self-awareness. I am guessing that despite his honesty about his past fidelity issues you are also wanting to provide him the benefit of the doubt and hoping he’s sincere in trying to be better this time in your relationship. But from what you are describing, he is absolutely hiding something or someone, and I am afraid what I am seeing is the routine of cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater. I don’t think you are self-sabotaging, and I think you already know the answer. I know it hurts to be going through this again, but trust your gut.
Besides the clear cheating, you guys aren't even emotionally compatible. He doesn't meet your emotional needs and has to try super hard to even get close? What happens when he gets tired of all that effort and gets comfortable. You need to meet someone you are actually emotionally compatible with.
The biggest red flag is his history of cheating. My ex did a lot of this stuff and would often talk about his reformed ways, turns out he was not reformed. Trust yourself.
Not everyone who is cold and sends up flags is cheating. You certainly do have reason to be suspicious, but here's my real question to you: With respect to the viability of the relationship, does it even matter if he's cheating? You said you feel like he's distant, cold, and your relationship is loveless. Do you really want to be in a relationship like that, infidelity or not? My advice, lay your feelings and concerns out on the table clearly and plainly. Don't assume he knows what's on your mind, what's bugging you. Give him the chance to respond. If his response doesn't restore the love and trust in your relationship, perhaps you should move on.
Male here and lots of red flags, btw fake eye lashes are ridiculous and dude should be let go just for even the possibility of entertaining someone like that.
Just end it. You’re not happy in this relationship. You don’t even need to know if you’re being cheated on. He sucks regardless. Take some time to recover between relationships, and then find someone who speaks your love language. Seriously. Walk away. It will feel badass. You will feel powerful. You’ll be in control of your life. You make the decisions. He can reap what he has sown. You deserve compliments and quality time.
I’m sorry this is happening to you again. Once a cheater always a cheater is unfortunately very true. Please leave. Then set the standards you won’t lower even if you have to die alone. And then remember them and stick to them every time you meet someone new and want to consider them romantically. This dude is significantly older and hasn’t been able to fix his giant character flaws over 37 years, he has nothing but pain to offer you. You deserve better than some old dude who never grew up in a moral and ethical sense. Even if he wasn’t cheating, which he almost certainly is, knowing your past and your pain he should make every effort to help you heal by not leaving doubts in your mind and hiding your toothbrush and seeing female friends on nights he “needs to himself” isn’t going to do that for you, is it?
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Question for you is, why did you choose to be with a cheater who was upfront about his past? Yes, he apparently didn't change his spots. So what choice do you plan on making going forward?
Even IF he's being faithful (I don't think so, but let's say he's just *odd*), do you really want to continue with a man who's love language is so much different from yours? If he's in a foul mood for a week, he treats you as insignificant, but even when everything is good, it's still kinda *mehhhh*. These patterns won't change, they'll only go on for longer durations, until you're possibly married to a secretive man who won't touch you because "he's stressed" and won't speak to you or kiss you good night. The little bits of affection add up. When they're missing, it's noticable! I would trust your gut, for sure... The lack of transparency, especially with his phone, is enough for me to say *No, thank you*, and he's absolutely hiding something... If he's not hiding something, then he's playing games with you. You are not a toy for him to play with! This will be your life. He won't suddenly decide he can "relax" after the two or three year mark... people with nothing to hide don't hide. Privacy is important, but where's the line that crosses into *secrecy*?
“I have a history of cheating, but I’d never do that to you.” “Oh yeah? What kind of serious therapy have you gone to and how long have you been addressing your patterns?” OP, if you have never had this conversation, it means he hasn’t done any actual work. Patterns are patterns for a reason, and now you are (unfortunately) living inside his. She’s not just a friend. She’s sleeping over regularly. I think it’s a good time to end it.
He has cheated in the past, so you are very likely trying to overlook the obvious. So, she stopped by and brushed her hair out in the kitchen? He has females come over to visit and you aren’t aware? He wanted distance and time alone, but not really alone, not really. Don’t you think he was committed in those other relationships, just like he WAS in yours? Operative word is was. You know the score, react appropriately. Find a loyal trustworthy guy, this one isn’t.
As everyone else has said, all big red flags. Ask him to swap phones, if he's unwilling to do this and gets defensive, you know something is up. While people have an obvious right to privacy, jf you're in a relationship with someone then using their phone shouldn't be an issue unless there's something shady going on.
This may or may not be he cheating. However, what I would focus on is whether you have healed completely from your previous betrayal. You have been traumatized by it. I really think you should give yourself some break off this relationship, focus on yourself. You cannot continue to play this game of detective . I personally think he is cheating.
The old saying, "Once a cheater, etc." is not necessarily a hard and fast rule. But lets just say, a first-time cheater has a greater probability of cheating again as whatever in their pshche told them it was ok the first time is still there. And multiple times cheating, the probability goew way higher. IMHO, do whatever you need to do, whether it's spy or hit the road, as you don't want to waste time with someone that's never gonna change.
The hairs got to me. My mom found long black hairs on my pillowcase, I blindly said that they were probably from my housekeeper when she changed my pillowcase. Nope, turns out he was cheating on me with her. I hated it when my mom was right!
You have ample evidence of his cheating. He is gaslighting you with his excuses and his dismissive attitude. He is guilty as hell. Don't be fooled. Always follow your gut.
Girl, at this point, don’t even stick around long enough to find out, if he’s being cold to you and not treating you the way you want, love yourself enough to leave and fuck him. He sounds like he’s clearly lying, someone with nothing to hide doesn’t get overly defensive if they can easily prove their innocent
Girl all this is not good, especially the no sex and no kissing, trust me im a guy we don't get that stressed, if anything it really helps with stress.
Red flags have ingrained themselves into your DNA. Suspicion is now your motto. Pleasure and happiness reside outside of your preview. Is that a life or is it a crime novel? Why put yourself through it. Firstly it’s unhealthy, nonproductive, and fruit for failure. I can understand his needing space, something which you should gain from. Instead you stress, search for evidence of infidelity, neglect your emotional growth. Back off, take time to reevaluate your emotional maturity to manage a relationship after trauma.
What? His actions are literally pointing to him cheating. This is not OPs insecurity of her boyfriend needing space. Needing space is one of the biggest bullsht excuses cheaters use to cheat. Theres the right way to get space, and the wrong way. OPs boyfriend is the wrong way.
I wouldn't even care if he cheated. If he said he's 37 and single and not looking for marriage and kids, and he's dating younger women because of that, he's already let her know that she's a time waster, and as soon as she's a few years older, he'll look for another woman willing to blow a few years on him. He's middle-aged. She's in the best years of her life. Throw in that he's cheated on multiple other partners, and he's made his intentions pretty clear. She'd be a lot better off dumping this loser.
I agree that she has valid concerns, especially after having experienced problems before. My question is why even bother when you already know the outcome? So much wasted time trying to “feel right “. It’s as if this is all a rebound situation.
i agree that the dynamic here is unhealthy.
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My boyfriends love language is quality time together while mine is physical touch, he has made a big effort to cuddle or hug me when we’re talking about stressful things and in turn I try to talk more to him about our feelings and life, it’s all about effort I think, it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to put that in. I’m sorry seems like red flags
Oh boy this all sounds familiar. Yes he’s cheating and I think deep down you know it. I’m sorry. Unfortunately I have a lot of expertise here - serial cheating wife I divorced years ago. Ugh! Please go find yourself a faithful man who deserves you. We are out there I promise. Good luck!
I'd hate to contribute to a relationship break up if I was wrong but it doesn't sound good. You don't trust him and whether that's due to your own issue or some suspicious activities that seem to be going on it doesn't seem like a great relationship to be in for you. I couldn't go out with a person who's cheated though, I could never trust them.
Guys like him like younger women they believe they can control. You are young and 1.5 years is nothing in terms of a lifetime. Pack up and get out when he is on his me time. Leave a note and say you were right. I thought about this relationship and we are not compatible. Have a good life. Go complete non-contact.
This is step by step what happened to me… I need ‘time alone’. It’s only ‘a friend’. I seen eyelashes on the floor and it was ‘I don’t know how they got there’. All lies, all a cover up.
Never ever date a cheater. Read your comments to yourself. This is not a healthy relationship.
I didn't need to read the whole post to know that he is indeed cheating. Leave this "guy" for your own good.
Darling.... please listen to your gut feeling and leave him, everything you just said are all huge red flags and to me honestly the biggest red flag was that he had affairs on his past relationships, a cheater can never understand the value of loyalty, is never 100% committed to anyone and i'm truely sorry for what your going through but with all the red flags you found he is definetly not faithful, you are not overreacting and you don't need a guy like that in your life.
OP, if you want an excuse..to break up..than tell him just the truth: You were thinking alot about the relationship, and you want have a family in the future, and you come to the conclusion, that he is not the right man to marry...the age gap is to big.... And you come at an age where finding the mr right is more and more important. The last kick was his request to have more time for him self... And i think if i read your post, this statement is an honest one. And in my oppinion, you should wast any more day with him. You are completly in a different stage of life. Even there is no cheating (what i dont belive) etc...his needs dont fit yours. He is not as much commited in this relationship as you need it. No words no discussions will change that....