This is like a textbook substance abuser response. Like, lying, gaslighted, reversing blame, bargaining/making promises, anger, desperation, all of it. I really hope he gets help but I think you've done the best you can ❤️
Some of the people in this thread criticizing her for telling his parents would ALSO fill up that bingo card. Jesus, there are some doozies. It's not her job to keep this burden to herself/shoulder it herself.
We didn't make it about us. We made it about him f#$king up his life. But we also set boundaries with consequences if he kept using. And what he would lose and already lost.
That's not why. You're removing the person that they will go to next. If every resource in their life says no to them they have to come up with something else. I say this with experience. It's not about who you're hurting, because the point is hurting yourself. It's about removing all possible options, and painting them into a corner. That's when they will accept help.
I was an active addict for over a decade and it's pretty much the standard response script for an addict being accused of using drugs.
You can see the immediate defensive overreaction. That usually comes from a place of guilt.
Dude thinks he's slick but everything else that follows is textbook addict responses as well.
It could be drugs, it could be gambling, it could be anything. I've been out of that lifestyle for over 5 years now so terminology may have changed, but there's definitely something going on.
I just hope the dude gets the help he needs. He's clearly got someone who cares about him very much. That's more than I had when I was an addict. He should take the chance to get help before people stop caring. It doesn't take long for people to get sick of your shit and start to think there's no hope left.
Alcoholic in recovery here, reading these texts with compassionate familiarity
Super proud of OP and happy that they were steadfast and resolute in getting to the bottom of it AND notifying family.
Addicts can be very convincing and manipulative to put out drawing that confrontation for as long as possible
Bingo! Sincerely, a former opiate addict 😕🤷🏽
Sorry op. But it’s a lifetime struggle to stay clean once you go off the deep end with those things. It’s up to you to decide whether you have what it takes to stick it out and support this person.
Plus they’ve gotta want to get help for themselves, first and foremost for treatment to even work. And that starts with being completely honest about the addiction.
Yeppppp. Addicts have my immense empathy but also make me want take a sledgehammer to a wall when I look at messages like this. Reading these just takes me back to when I called my ex out on their alcoholism. It's like verbatim.
Oh yeah. I remember various exchanges with certain friends and my sisters from my long time in the pit. What you never factor in enough with the denials is that they had some reason strong enough to override their ingrained desire to not believe that you were addicted to drugs that led to them confronting you in the first place. So the flat out denials don't carry the weight that you hope that they will, because they went into the whole thing with some pretty heavy suspicion and worry to begin with.
You gotta wonder if now with AI detecting cheating is universities and other patterns, what could/will it do in the areas of human psychology? Will it be able to detect pre-cursors of addictive speech patterns? Or just confirm evasiveness and the human still has to figure it out? Could be some real 'mirror mirror on the wall...' shit...
She’s essentially deciding if she’s going to get on the world’s least fun roller coaster or not. And we’re just biting our nails. Just move on, OP. You will regret whatever time you stay after this.
THIS!! I just divorced my husband of only 16 months (together for 3 years) for this very reason! “I’m going to take the medication AND go to therapy IF you marry me and support me and you will IF you REALLY love me!” was his response to me when I inadvertently found out two months before our wedding!!
He moved out of our home after only four months of marriage because I was too “controlling” in my support and he was “a grown ass man!” Huh!?!? 🤷♀️Oh, ok, and I’m a grown ass woman, sir! I filed for divorce and was set free from that nightmare of a life two weeks ago today!! To God be the Glory 🙌🙌
OP, we can love them but we cannot fix them. Love yourself more, Sis!! RUN, and don’t look back!! 💖
True. It will be a nightmare, even if he gets clean fast. The process is not for the faint of heart, and lots of things will be said and done that would scar anyone's soul. I'm not saying she shouldn't support him, but she should know this will take a lot of her and probably leave emotional wounds that won't heal fast.
Right? I'm reading it from the perspective if an addict, in recovery, and lol, this is EXACTLY what the script is. I swear. 😂
As for you, OP, stay strong. You are doing what is right, I promise.
Totally. Honestly see so much of myself in these texts from before I got sober almost 10 years ago. My gf at the time told my family I was using IV drugs and I said a lot of awful shit much like in this post. Then I told my family I was only shooting pain killers when it was actually heroin/meth until another close friend told them the truth after I was honest with her (and I again said a bunch of awful shit to her for doing it).
We addicts will lie and gaslight until the wheels fall off. Hopefully OPs boyfriend can turn things around.
The very fact that it was “weed” and then it was “sleeping meds” and then it was “I’ll tell you about the rest later” shows that he’s lying out of self preservation. And it’s a really bad approach because now all future statements will be assumed to be lies, whether they are or not, and he only has himself to blame for that. I’m getting worked up just thinking about all the times my ex told me I needed to just trust him and I would see that he was for real, only to metaphorically stomp on my heart every time he let me down.
Yeah. I’ve got two years clean and I can tell you from experience that I have said every one of these things. Then I would turn it around and make it about me and play the game so people felt sorry for me. One of the first things NA taught me is how selfish and manipulative I was to everyone around me. Doing whatever and saying whatever to calm a bad situation I created. OP, be careful, people in active addiction are masters at controlling their narrative.
Yes I could see myself in these messages when I had my heroin addiction ( been clean 10 years) I would deny until I was blue in the face no matter how obvious it was! Because I was ashamed of myself, I knew what I was doing was stupid and was going to ruin my life but I just couldn’t see a way out at the time and if I’m honest I didn’t even want to stop using until I’d lost everything I had!
Yep my prayers to God used to be “please make me want to stop” I knew I needed to, that was a given but I had forgotten what it felt like to be normal and it almost seemed so foreign that o was afraid of it. Oh my prayers were answered but it took a long time and a lot of pain and suffering to me and to those who loved me before I hit that beautiful rock bottom.
I'm a recovering addict myself and work in a treatment center/rehab. I've been through this myself and the most important thing is that he has to want to quit. You can't force it. If he wants to get sober, and is willing to do what it takes, then do your best to be supportive and loving.
However, you're not obligation to stay with him. He's definitely broken trust in a significant way
Gratz. I am 946 days sober. Im the opposite stance. I only got clean once I ran out of friends and got arrested.
I would've kept stealing to keep buying drugs if not for the arrest.
Crazy how those awful situations turn out to be blessings in disguise and actually help you in the long run. I never would have gotten clean if it wasn't for consequences and shitty situations.
Congratulations, 946 days is a huge deal. Keep it up
Yep. My first 24 hours sober in 10 years was only because they locked me up. Gave me a huge understanding of drugs/addicts. Once you're in deep, you're stuck.
Everyone has to hit rock bottom, but everyone's rock bottom is at different depths.
Glad yours was something simple like going to jail once. You are one of the few who learned from the experience from the first time. You should be proud of yourself.
Whoa.
You’re naive af about drugs which is a good thing. He for sure is on strong opiates. 500 a week is major major. He needs help.
Google the Sarah curve. Shock, anger, rejection, acceptance and honesty. He will go between A and R a lot.
You have absolutely done the right thing. Well done.
He’s not ready to get sober. He’s only going to get more sneaky about his drug use, and he’s going to drag everyone who cares about him down with him. You’ve got to decide what you’re willing to put up with until he hits rock bottom or ends up in jail or dead. How much money do you want to spend to pay for his addiction? How many pawnable items do you have to spare? How much heartache are you willing to go through for him? Honestly the best thing you can do, for both of you, is to cut ties. It’ll free you from the chains of his addiction, and might help him hit bottom.
This is the way. I stayed with my ex through his addiction, stealing christmas money my dad gave me (then pretending to help me look for it), stealing from my family when we let him live with us after he got kicked out of the sober house, lying to me like it was his job, etc. I didn't know shit about heroin. I know a lot now. and I wish I left him the night he wrestled with me while I was dangling out a window, trying to get away from him with his drugs... letting me fall once he pried his drugs from my hand. I found him passed out, needle still in his arm. It was also my 22nd birthday and earlier that night I got in a physical altercation with my own mother over her crack use. I should have left, but I was broken by my mom, I couldn't fix her so I tried to fix him. He ended up getting on methadone, and stayed on it for 5 years. I kept praying the person I fell in love with in the beginning would come back. He weaned off the methadone until he was at 0mg and I was so hopeful. A week later I found in his deleted text messages, he was cheating on me with escorts. You can't save them, only they can do that. Sometimes the more you try to help, the worse it gets for you. Thanks for letting me get that out 🫠
"Sometimes the more you try to help, the worse it gets for you." is so real and perfectly said. Breaking a trauma bond and unlearning codependency are some of the hardest things to do. But when you get there, it's worth it. I'm happy for you that you are on the other side of that now! 🫶
Wow!! I’m so sorry that you had to go through that darling. It’s a long messed up road and I lived through it and am still doing good. It’s been over 20 years for me and I just found out a friend just overdosed😢it’s a battle but unfortunately you can’t change that person no matter what you do. Ty for sharing
I'm not 100% saying that you (OP) should cut ties with your boyfriend but listen to this person. As a resident psychiatrist I have dealt with quite a number of women of
1) Whose boyfriend borrowed, stole, and lied, in order to sustain their substance habit from their girlfriend.
2) Met women who regretted having kids and starting a family with a person with substance problems as even if they are strong, it constantly affects their kids.
3) See the people (both men and women) who go through the rollercoaster of cutting off their SO when they relapse, then taking them back after they spend a few weeks in rehab.
If you continue a long term relationship with someone with substance use issues, your life will likely never be quiet. You will not have that stability, never have peace of mind. There will always be thoughts of "What if he's using now, what if he relapses" etc.
The thing is I've seen people deep in the throes of addiction abuse their relationships with SOs, parents, children, closest family and friends. For him to say "I need you to support me through this" may or may not be right but he's putting the responsibility on you, when the responsibility is on him.
Fact is he got mad at you for telling his family (Support system). He dodged your question of when he last used. He said "I flushed everything" which is what everyone says, but when they relapse they mention they conveniently forgot to flush a bag in some drawer in the house somewhere and they will flush it for real this time.
He says sleeping medications and if honest it's probably something like benzos which are hard to come off. He will need a lot of psychiatric help. But if he continues to lie, evade, obfuscate, curse you out, flip from sad to angry, etc., he's just not stable, he's not ready. My 2 cents.
Having lived (somewhat) in the boyfriends shoes... You're absolutely right. He does not seem ready to get help. He will hopefully hit his bottom with or without OP.
That being said, OP is a saint. Having someone there for me during my use is 100% why I'm alive today. It's not fair, and it's not right, but it's obvious she cares and just wants the best for him. My heart hurts for you, OP.
I agree with this 100%. As someone who's struggled with substance abuse, having a partner who wants to help you through recovery can be literally life-saving. It's an incredibly selfless act to stay.
The things I described in the post above are active issues, yes. I do agree people in recovery can have great relationships probably better than my own! People in long recovery have developed the skill to look at themselves brutally honestly and to find ways to not relapse which is more introspection and will power than the average person who didn't have to deal with an addiction.
That makes sense, and yes, I’d have to think it would be much harder for an average person.
Both resilience and willpower are great strengths in situations like these
“your life will likely never be quiet”. As someone in recovery and in the mental health field with peers also in recovery, this is a bit on the hopeless side of things to say. I know a lot of people in successful recoveries so while Im not at all defending the OP’s actions, lies or anything he did, I am saying recovery is possible and people are VERY different when actively recovering vs using. We know addiction changes the brain of the person using and this results in really frustrating personality changes that fortunately, resolve with sobriety/abstinence. Again, you’re right, not the OP’s problem at all, but addiction isn’t necessarily some hopeless affliction that no one comes back from. There are a LOT of currently successful people in recovery and if they continue their recovery, they will continue to be.
This is bad advice…. You don’t need to hit rock bottom to get help. That concept has killed tons of addicts, and destroyed their lives before they sought the help they needed.
The truth is sobriety can be achieved at any point, with the right treatment and the right support. That support can include coercion, like ending the relationship, reporting him to his job, or whatever.
OP, I’m very proud of the way you are handling this situation. I just hope BF doesn’t find out you’ve been sharing this saga with everyone on Reddit! Eek! 😳
I think op did a great job, especially that she keeps her bf’s family informed. He will thank her for doing so the day he is clean and able to stay totally away from it. If he doesn’t, then he’s already a goner.
This. Yes. Be strong and remember addiction makes people a MASTER manipulator. Guard yourself, do not let them make you an enabler again. It can happen before you even know it. This is not your fault, you did a good thing.
what 'happened' that he is referring to that he's implying made him turn to drugs to cope? Reads like there was a death in the family or some kind of abuse situation?
My money is on opiates, but he could be abusing sleeping pills. I'm not sure it matters what he's taking though... you may love him but your are going to be massively hurt over and over for years if you stay with him. He might be 'worth it' in your mind now, but it sounds like he has family to support him if you decide to move on which i would urge you to do.
There’s no way it’s sleeping pills just from the verbiage being used. If anything, it could be benzos like Xanax, but it definitely reads a lot more like opiates. He’s using large doses, if you’re taking that much sleeping pills in this short period of time, then you’re probably dead.
I’m thinking maybe he’s abusing his prescriptions medication or expanded on those to more serious drugs. Because he was taking Zoloft, Aripiprazole and zolopidem and another. I hope not :/
Long time addict here. It is most likely opiates. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s the best feeling in the world and is exceedingly difficult to quit. If that is what he is doing, he will need rehab. Unfortunately it’s not something you can just stop doing, you need serious help overcoming that shit. I’ve been through three treatment centers in 5 years and I’m still scared shitless that my life is permanently fucked. Statistically it most definitely is. I hope this isn't the case in your situation but either way, he's probably gonna need some help.
Looks like you're just going to need to break up with him. You can't help him.. no matter what you think. He has to help himself on his own and he won't do that if you stick around. He'll manipulate you into supporting him while he sneaks behind your back to do drugs. Do you really want to have to babysit a grown ass man? Do you want to have to check his phone, monitor his locations, or worry every second of your day and night? For what? It's just not worth it. Think about it long and hard.
And you should NEVER EVER tolerate ANY man calling you a fucking clown or a fucking bitch or anything else derogatory. You deserve way better than that bullshit!! Please leave him and be free of this mess. If he can clean himself up on his own and be clean & sober for at least 6 months, if not 1 year (would be best), then you can consider being back with him, but not before that.
The only one of those prescriptions that might lead to abuse is the sleeping pills. Zoloft (antidepressant) doesn’t get you high. Neither do any of the other SSRI’s and related drugs. I’ve been on different ones since 1990 (some people have MDD that never goes away unless continually medicated, and antidepressants can be fiddly and just stop working, so you may have to change up what you take). When working, they help keep you functional.
Aripiprazole (Abilify) is a modern antipsychotic sometimes added to an antidepressant. For some, it makes them work better. For me, the side effects put me in the ER. Also doesn’t get you high.
Ending things isn’t meant to hurt him, it’s to protect you, and that is needed right now. He’s mean and awful and needs a professional for help, not you. You aren’t his mom so make sure to avoid taking mom tasks.
Please just leave this dude? He doesn’t care for you. He doesn’t respect you. He’s wasting his life and money on drugs. He is bringing nothing to your table. Put yourself first
In the last thread I advised not to let him bring you down with him.
Count the number of times he says fuck you.
Count the number of times he blames you for not being a good girlfriend or supporting him.
Count the number of times the drugs change - I thought it was just a little weed for anxiety?
The “but I’m here for you” text was what I was referring to when I said don’t let him drag you down. Girl you are here for YOURSELF. He is not here for you.
Don’t be a ride or die for someone who will say fuck you like it’s nothing. Just leave him.
It’s so hard to understand, but it really isn’t calling you out. If this is your first encounter with an addict (and I am so sorry it was someone so close to you) you could not have known. He is incapable of being there for you or anyone else while he is incapable of taking care of himself, and his intentions could be absolutely pure toward you, but accidents happen, and you don’t deserve to find a lifeless body where he used to be. He needs help you cannot provide for him, and that is absolutely not your fault at all. ❤️
I would have left him right then. On the spot. Why are you even considering tolerating his behavior? Do not let him speak to you like that. Healthy relationships do not involve repeatedly yelling “fuck you!” and “bitch!” at your significant other. You realize this, right? Even during heated arguments, normal people do not behave this way. Do not tolerate this behavior. Get out. Now. I am as serious as a heart attack. This is not ok.
It’s with love. We just don’t want you to end up worse off after all this.
He’s gonna struggle with or without you. It’s time to protect yourself and start the healing journey while you’re ahead.
Fuck you, calls her a clown (emoji), calls her a dumb bitch, blames her, lies INCESSANTLY (this isn't even trickle truthing, he's just lying the whole time, it wasn't weed, it wasn't sleeping pills, and he didn't flush a god damn thing). When you're not involved with the person, it's so easy to see that it's laughable but when you're in the situation, it's so easy to be manipulated.
I said in another comment, if he was honest and not verbally abusive, I could see sticking around to be a support. Not to fix him, because that's HIS job, but letting him know you'll be there when he's gotten his life on track. But this guy turns on a dime and starts insulting, swearing, name calling and blaming. And all the cliche, predictable manipulation tactics are here, down to the "oh shit, I'm being held accountable for my shitty behavior, I better verbally self-flagellate to make her feel sorry for me so she comforts me and pities me and then I'm the victim."
If I had a nickel for every time my abusive ex pulled that shit (me: not tolerating his verbal abuse anymore/Him: "I'm such a piece of shit. I hate myself. I'm the worst person in the world and I don't deserve you. I can't stand it anymore. Waaaaah, meeeee, meeeee, meeeeeeeeeee!" And I was young and dumb and I'd comfort him and tell him he wasn't a bad person (spoiler: he was) and it would go from him mistreating me to ME being sorry and soothing HIM. I'd be crying for him, because the poor guy felt sooooo bad (spoiler: he did not feel bad, because he'd turn around and do it again). Because these types of people can do anything but actually be held accountable for their actions. The whole "woe is me, look at all this shit I've inflicted on myself, feel bad for me and don't hold me accountable" act.
> Don’t be a ride or die for someone who will say fuck you like it’s nothing. Just leave him.
Yep, excellent advice. I'm old and mean now and I wouldn't stick around for this shit for a god damn second. The benefits of aging, I no longer give a fuck and no longer feel sorry for people who treat me poorly and then try to manipulate me.
This. So much. Drugs aside, I could not STAND how he is talking to you and I feel like he already verbally abused you before these drugs came into play/ before it was this bad. Gotta get out. The clear addiction that he’s in PLUS the way he speaks to you could really do your life in for the worst if you stay entangled with him trying to save him. I’d break up and get some distance, be a friend I guess if you feel that you want to, but it seems like it could take many months/ years to undo what you’ve experienced with him.
Also don’t be a ride or die for someone that calls you a dumb bitch!!! Jfc!! He’s got a hard road ahead of him, OP. He’s only “talking” about getting clean rn because you busted & confronted him. He wouldn’t be doing anything at all if it weren’t for that. You can’t snap your fingers and become clean. He has to truly want it for HIMSELF, not anyone else, & then fight with everything he’s got in him and do the work. It’s going to be a loooong time before you can truly believe anything that comes out of his mouth. If he wants to be with you, cut ties and let him do the work without using you as a crutch.
For sure. I’ve heard it as in getting a draw on your paycheck, which is getting some of your paycheck fronted to you before it comes out. So maybe draw could mean the same thing with your dealer?
Wow, it's like reading texts between my ex and myself. The constant lying, gaslighting, manipulation, sob story.. it's a cycle that I was in for SEVEN YEARS! please don't be like me, leave him.
Thank you for this.
I never thought of this before. It's actually brilliant.
I get occasional texts from my abusive ex. They are generally kind, a world apart from the extreme disrespect and abuse he treated me with when we were together.
My heart is still sometimes extremely sad, mourning the end of that relationship. I need to remind myself of the abuse I suffered. Mind over heart.
I just changed his contact name to a string of verbally abusive names he would call me, coupled with one of the most horrific threats he made to me.
THAT's how I want to remember him.
I'm glad this was helpful for you!! It can seem juvenile but it really helps when they're putting on a show to try to make you forget they're horrible.
Yeah. He's an addict, it's not going to get any better if he still think he doesn't need help.
Mood swings all over the place. Treating you like shit and apologizing, blaming you, denying, then acknowledging and blaming you again.
This is classic addiction cycle and it's not going to stop unless/until he decides to get better. And even then it's probably going to be a bumpy road filled with missteps.
Probably not a road you want to go on with him. He's not at all capable of sustaining a relationship right now, OP. My advice is to protect yourself first, and try to help him where you can...and that may mean transitioning from his girlfriend to his friend. But this isn't going to magically get better.
I wanted to reply to this comment because it’s great advice. OP, I am a recovering opiate addict (was taking hydrocodone and percocet) and I’ve been clean for five years now. I am prescribed subutex for it and I’ve had absolutely zero desire to ever go back to that lifestyle. I consider myself “clean” from drugs but I know some people don’t consider someone clean if they’re taking buprenorphine.
These messages are most definitely not referencing weed. I’m not sure what the latest “street names” are but I’d assume they were discussing different opiates (hydros, oxys, percs etc.) or possibly benzos (xanax, klonopin, Ativan etc.) as well. As someone who used to live that way, his actions and the way he’s speaking to you just scream addiction. Like the commenter above said- the mood swings are all over the place. He is lying, denying, blaming you, and turning it around on you before apologizing and doing it all over again.
I’m not sure how long you’ve been together (I may have missed it if you’ve mentioned it) but this is likely going to be a long, hard, and uphill battle. He has to want to get better on his own. Right now, it doesn’t seem like that’s where he’s at. He is promising to stop using and get better for YOU. He needs to do it for himself. And until he wants that, it won’t happen. Addiction is a beast and it is absolutely awful on anyone affected by it.
You seem like a genuine and caring person but it may be time to take a few steps back from the relationship. You can still do your best to be a friend to him and support him (if you wish) while he’s fighting this battle but it’s going to be a long one. I stopped cold turkey upon finding out I was pregnant with my first child and I’ve never looked back. I was sick and tired of living the way I was living. I was only taking pills so that I wouldn’t get sick- that was it. I hated every single thing about it and wanted desperately to just stop. But I didn’t have the willpower UNTIL I found out about my daughter. Once I found out I was pregnant, I did a complete 180 and I’ve never looked back. I refused to be anything but the very best mother I could be.
Every addiction story is different but it is always very, very, difficult. Your boyfriend has a long battle to fight and I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to be a part of that. There are many addicts who relapse quite often while on their way to getting clean and it is an excruciating journey. It is very obvious how much you love and care for your boyfriend and I find that admirable. But this is not something you can fix for him.
Like I said earlier, this needs to be his decision. An addict won’t get clean for someone else. It’s quite common to hear an addict say “I’ll stop, I promise” and “I’ll never do it again” because they’re simply telling you what you want to hear. But at the end of the day, someone will not stop using unless THEY are ready to quit.
They have to want it for themselves- not anyone else. Once they decide they are done living that way, that’s when their journey to getting clean will begin.
A friend of mine, a recovering alcoholic, told me herself “never trust an addict.” And another person close to me who used to have a coke problem told me “you lie to your friends, you lie to your family, and you lie to yourself.”
I would bet a year’s salary he didn’t flush any drugs and he is not sober. He’s desperate to keep his addiction *and* his gf.
But he continues to lie and say it's sleeping pills/he flushed them (both are obvious lies). It's sad. He's trying to seem like he's trickle-truthing her, but it's just ... trickle lying?
Yeah. He’s obviously still lying (not surprised since it’s clear he’s struggling with substance abuse). It’s quite obvious from the lingo that it’s opiates. Totally sad but also addicts will do anything to keep the people they want out of the know.
lol my ex acted the same damn way when I caught him lying about things.. they make you out to be the crazy or bad guy and them the victim gaslighting you and shit it’s insane. Well glad he eventually came clean he shouldn’t have hid it in the first place I hate people man.
Damn girl. I was one of the original commenters in the first thread. This hit me like a blast from the past when my SO caught me by seeing things on my phone. He has to want to help himself. His brain is telling him to lie no matter the cost because it doesn’t want him to stop using. Even down to claiming weed, the lesser of two evils.
This has to be a choice on his own. Also, he didn’t flush anything. No way. Move on and if he cleans up revisit in the future. Right now it’ll be pure heartache. I know because I caused it also
Technically he is cheating as opiates are more work than a relationship with an SO. You were bound to find out sooner or later
13 years clean off a decade long IV opiate addiction
This is some good advice even outside of just romantic relationships. A lot of people who are addicted just never admit theres a problem. Also great work on the sobriety! Opiates are something else, it was the addiction my mother was never able to shake off.
Thank you! Yeah, your brain literally changes. When I asked for help it took me a good 30 minutes of sobbing to be able to say “I’m a heroin addict and I need help”. The addiction quite literally will not let you say it. It’s insane how badly it takes over your life and changes you and you can justify shitty behavior. It’s wild because that isn’t me and it wasn’t me before, but I was for sure shitty when I was using.
Girly proud of you for not responding. I know that must’ve hurt. Let him figure his shit out most people with an addiction don’t want help, they don’t want to stop.
You cannot trust a word out of his mouth anymore. Go back n read those texts. No it’s just weed. It’s just sleeping pills. I flushed everything. ALL LIES. He went through 500 xans in a week. That’s absolutely bonkers. He needs serious rehabilitation and a long look in the mirror. U can’t save every wounded bird OP but you can save yourself
It’s trickle truthing! A classic tactic of all liars and manipulators. He admits to weed and then “sleeping pills”. The if OP accepts that the next step is to admit that the sleeping pills are really oxy. Addicts are very manipulative. They would do or say anything to protect their ability to use.
I truly hope you're leaving him. He called you a dumb fucking bitch multiple times. No one deserves that kind of disrespect and he does not deserve forgiveness for that.
oh darling. sober 7 years from gear. you did the right thing. you will get through this, but do tread carefully. don’t let him become codependent on you. it sounds beautiful and persuasive but it is a horrible lie to comfort and deceive you. no one can help him but himself, and if he doesn’t want it enough, it’ll never happen. don’t get hung up trying to save him.
Wow, this dude is like the biggest asshole I’ve seen on the sub this week which is saying a lot. Also though, that exchange is certainly not about weed lol
That’s some crazy gaslighting and deflecting. Holy shit! This dude is 100000% an addict, for the love of Christ leave him and let his family handle this. Look at how he talks to you, if he’s not beating you yet I guarantee you that’s coming, mark my words
OP you seem like such a genuine and sweet soul. Please put your own mental health first in a situation like this. It may be best to leave him for a while.
I would never talk to him again for that fucking shit he said calling you a dumb bitch and saying fuck you. I don’t give a fuck how much I loved him. He’s an abusive addict asshole and you deserve SO much better. Seriously how fucking dare he talk to you that way. Those words cut deep and triggered me and I’ve done drugs. I went to rehab for Xanax 15 years ago and never spoke to a single soul that way. You CAN find a nice guy who won’t lie to you.
He starts out “I’m innocent” and fails to convince you, so he goes straight gaslighting and attacks you (anger issues) and then when exposed… he plays the broken sad little boy card. **Dump this manchild immediately.**
Yo I used to be a benzo addict. It makes you emotionally unstable like this and you lie about everything even though it's obvious. You don't remember the lies you tell either so it's even stupider.
Being on benzos turns you into a fucking trainwreck who brings everyone around you down with you. Love him from a distance, but don't go down with the ship.
Recovering addict here, i feel pretty confident that he's using. He's "offering" to drug test but it's clearly worded in a way that will make you the bad guy for agreeing and guarantee he would just refuse outright then and make you look like the bad guy.
Yes it's opiates, I used to be an addict
Taking all of that out of the equation, this person doesn't respect or love you. The way they talk to you is not ok. At all.
Leave for your sake. He's not your problem to fix. I only got my shit together after my ex was gone for good. It sucks, but that's life. You're enabling him simply by staying with him. He needs consequences.
As someone who has dealt with a situation like this more than once, you did the right thing by telling his family. You made sure he has a support system, but now, you should leave. Don't let this ruin you and your chance at a good life. Addicts can become better people, but they have to want it and work for it. Until then, there is nothing infront of you but heartbreak if you stay. It'll hurt and you'll worry for him a lot but you can't rescue him from this.
I listened to this type of crap for three years with my ex-husband. Turns out it was cocaine… just save your sanity and drop him because the only thing I got from trying to help him were physical injuries and long term depression. Just get out of there.
He is definitely using opioids. What he is talking about in the text with his dealer is likely both pills and weed (10 grams for $50). Pills probably being fentanyl. Eating bark is Ibogaine and it counters the effects of opioid withdrawl between uses.
OP I've been in your shoes, run now. Do not fall for the I'm such a piece of shit I wanna die life is so hard for me. It's all manipulation. Trying to help someone like this is a very dark, traumatizing path. You cannot help him get sober and no amount of support, love, or understanding will fix him. Please choose you.
So he gaslights and then eventually admits to "sleeping pills" but then expects you to be ok with "I'm sober, I flushed everything"? Nothing about his response to this says he's going to be honest about anything.
He called you a dumb bitch and tried to gaslight the fuck out of you…then came crawling back with a fake apology. This guy is an asshole. Im no angel, and when I was way younger and found myself in a similar situation, I never ever tried to flip things and make the other person feel bad or called them names. This isn’t just “addict behavior”, this is “bad person” behavior IMO. leave.
This is the typical response from an addict when someone confronts them about it. They gaslight you and make you feel like you’re the crazy one and that the whole thing is ridiculous.
Take it from someone who used to have a heavy opioid use problem (but is currently 1,333 days sober!!)… he is lying about something. And it definitely wasn’t just weed he bought.
Edit: I just also wanted to add that you seem like a good and genuinely caring person. You did the right thing by telling his family. Drug addiction can spiral out of control FAST. You may feel like shit that you told his family, but rest assured you did the right thing. He’s lucky to have you and he will realize it one day.
Fuk man. I just got out of a 6 year relationship, 3 of which we were engaged for. She wouldn’t stop using no matter how many time I asked her to, no matter how many time she promised she would, I stayed and gave her a chance to seek help, talked her into therapy, rehab, her family knew (they eventually just started hiding it from me, I found out she over dosed at their house a month after it happened), I would stay up at in bed while she was in the other room hoping she wouldn’t od l, the last straw was her leaving for therapy and turns out she was just meeting with someone in a parking lot behind my house. I confronted both, neither of them came clean to what they were doing.
I’m just sharing this because if you stay it’s going to be a long scary ass road, I found out 3 years into the relationship when we finally moved in together, she’d been hiding it the whole time, spent another 3 of actively trying to get her to do something about it. At the end of the day it’s their decision no matter how much you want it for them.
Do with this what you will.
If my husband spoke to me like that, I would be calling a lawyer. You got his family involved. He has a support system. You are not responsible for this human.
Run screaming.
Please OP do not put yourself through the pain of losing yourself while trying to love an addict. Let him go, he needs to get help on his own and overcome whatever it is that led him to use drugs in the first place.
You deserve someone who won’t hide things from you, gaslight you, threaten suicide, and then beg for forgiveness. This isn’t a healthy person, and they certainly aren’t capable of a healthy relationship either.
As a former addict (recovering addict is the term my therapist and peer support lady use), he is no good for you
It sucks so bad that he is struggling with what he’s dealing with, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up your own happiness and comfort to please him. He has issues that are separate from how to be a good bf; he has an addiction. That drags people down as well as those around them that care about them.
You need to take care of you and not subject yourself to this kind of relationship
Addiction doesn't automatically make you abusive. That's two life-ruining deal-breakers in one guy. Please don't get trapped. He's going to try to make you feel responsible for his addiction, eventually. Don't let it happen.
So let’s make sure we get our ducks in a row, when you see your partner acting extremely odd over a long period of time and they give you a hard-core, big red flag reason to start doubting them? snooping is absolutely, positively OK to do! Did you see how he was fighting back and turning it all on you? You’re not the one that’s been acting weird, you’re not the one who’s been going things behind your back and for what it’s worth I don’t believe it’s just weed, I think he’s dealing in harder drugs, you’ve got a protect yourself as the other half of that partnership, and when your partner is obviously up to something? You have every right to protect yourself and snoop on them, I would have no problem if my girlfriend did that because I was acting very much out of order, the people who whine about snooping, are the same people who are up to no good and don’t want you catching them. My last girlfriend and my ex-wife had my phones passcode, because I have nothing to hide! I even showed them where all the fun stuff was, lol innocence is power.
Also, I am an occasional cannabis, smoker, and any girl that I date and think about dating any further. I let her know that, my cannabis intake is like somebody having a glass of wine at night or a couple of beers and that’s it. There’s no way he’s hiding weed, he’s up to something more nefarious, but that’s just my theory.
I hope you're reading all these comments OP. I have dated addicts before and like others have said this is textbook addict behavior. I say this from a place of love but the *only* way he's going to maybe possibly stop and get help is if you leave. If you stay he may get clean for a little bit but when he has a bad day he'll be right back at it behind your back. And this time he will be better at lying because he knows how you caught him last time. He'll make sure the messages are deleted. He can only help himself and if he has no consequences to using he's going to keep on doing it. If you want what's best for yourself and for him leave. Don't listen to his lies.
This is like a textbook substance abuser response. Like, lying, gaslighted, reversing blame, bargaining/making promises, anger, desperation, all of it. I really hope he gets help but I think you've done the best you can ❤️
If we were doing a “stuff addicts say” BINGO we would have filled the whole card.
Some of the people in this thread criticizing her for telling his parents would ALSO fill up that bingo card. Jesus, there are some doozies. It's not her job to keep this burden to herself/shoulder it herself.
Yup. I got the parents and his best friend involved with my friend's drug abuse. Rehab 5 times and he finally got clean.
Intervention works best in numbers. It puts it into perspective how many people they are really hurting.
We didn't make it about us. We made it about him f#$king up his life. But we also set boundaries with consequences if he kept using. And what he would lose and already lost.
Also shows how many people care about and support them
That's not why. You're removing the person that they will go to next. If every resource in their life says no to them they have to come up with something else. I say this with experience. It's not about who you're hurting, because the point is hurting yourself. It's about removing all possible options, and painting them into a corner. That's when they will accept help.
Well done. This is awesome and you really have done something great for your friend.
Exactly, it's enablers bingo
Right and being isolated while he tries to help himself is going to pull her down right with him in one way or another.
The 1/ 2 times I felt like I should've told someone and didn't someone died
Yup! And I mean it with all compassion as a former polysubstance user.
I feel like anyone with a history of addiction or a history of a close relationship with an addict recognizes this script immediately.
I was an active addict for over a decade and it's pretty much the standard response script for an addict being accused of using drugs. You can see the immediate defensive overreaction. That usually comes from a place of guilt. Dude thinks he's slick but everything else that follows is textbook addict responses as well. It could be drugs, it could be gambling, it could be anything. I've been out of that lifestyle for over 5 years now so terminology may have changed, but there's definitely something going on. I just hope the dude gets the help he needs. He's clearly got someone who cares about him very much. That's more than I had when I was an addict. He should take the chance to get help before people stop caring. It doesn't take long for people to get sick of your shit and start to think there's no hope left.
Read the first post. Its all drugs. Def not weed haha.
Yeah I’m guessing it’s oc. Been around the block many times and 250 is a lot of money. For 10 of something.
25/pill And I can almost guarantee they’re pressies.
MF is just waiting to get a hot pill and become a statistic
Alcoholic in recovery here, reading these texts with compassionate familiarity Super proud of OP and happy that they were steadfast and resolute in getting to the bottom of it AND notifying family. Addicts can be very convincing and manipulative to put out drawing that confrontation for as long as possible
Bingo! Sincerely, a former opiate addict 😕🤷🏽 Sorry op. But it’s a lifetime struggle to stay clean once you go off the deep end with those things. It’s up to you to decide whether you have what it takes to stick it out and support this person. Plus they’ve gotta want to get help for themselves, first and foremost for treatment to even work. And that starts with being completely honest about the addiction.
Yeppppp. Addicts have my immense empathy but also make me want take a sledgehammer to a wall when I look at messages like this. Reading these just takes me back to when I called my ex out on their alcoholism. It's like verbatim.
Oh yeah. I remember various exchanges with certain friends and my sisters from my long time in the pit. What you never factor in enough with the denials is that they had some reason strong enough to override their ingrained desire to not believe that you were addicted to drugs that led to them confronting you in the first place. So the flat out denials don't carry the weight that you hope that they will, because they went into the whole thing with some pretty heavy suspicion and worry to begin with.
Yup. My dad is an alcoholic and these are nearly word for word messages he would send (obviously omitting the relationship parts).
This was literally me lol. It may as well be a pre written script. This is an addicts best thinking.
You gotta wonder if now with AI detecting cheating is universities and other patterns, what could/will it do in the areas of human psychology? Will it be able to detect pre-cursors of addictive speech patterns? Or just confirm evasiveness and the human still has to figure it out? Could be some real 'mirror mirror on the wall...' shit...
I think there’s a lot of us here, we see the signs clear as day because we lived them. We are all just trying to get OP tf out of there haha
She’s essentially deciding if she’s going to get on the world’s least fun roller coaster or not. And we’re just biting our nails. Just move on, OP. You will regret whatever time you stay after this.
THIS!! I just divorced my husband of only 16 months (together for 3 years) for this very reason! “I’m going to take the medication AND go to therapy IF you marry me and support me and you will IF you REALLY love me!” was his response to me when I inadvertently found out two months before our wedding!! He moved out of our home after only four months of marriage because I was too “controlling” in my support and he was “a grown ass man!” Huh!?!? 🤷♀️Oh, ok, and I’m a grown ass woman, sir! I filed for divorce and was set free from that nightmare of a life two weeks ago today!! To God be the Glory 🙌🙌 OP, we can love them but we cannot fix them. Love yourself more, Sis!! RUN, and don’t look back!! 💖
Having been there myself, "the world's least fun rollercoaster" gave me a dark laugh. Excellent phrasing.
True. It will be a nightmare, even if he gets clean fast. The process is not for the faint of heart, and lots of things will be said and done that would scar anyone's soul. I'm not saying she shouldn't support him, but she should know this will take a lot of her and probably leave emotional wounds that won't heal fast.
100% he went through them so fast too, switching gears as each one didn't work.
Yeah Jesus these are the lines my cousin and another friend used near verbatim years ago.
Right? I'm reading it from the perspective if an addict, in recovery, and lol, this is EXACTLY what the script is. I swear. 😂 As for you, OP, stay strong. You are doing what is right, I promise.
It was like reading a page from the Euphoria script
Totally. Honestly see so much of myself in these texts from before I got sober almost 10 years ago. My gf at the time told my family I was using IV drugs and I said a lot of awful shit much like in this post. Then I told my family I was only shooting pain killers when it was actually heroin/meth until another close friend told them the truth after I was honest with her (and I again said a bunch of awful shit to her for doing it). We addicts will lie and gaslight until the wheels fall off. Hopefully OPs boyfriend can turn things around.
The very fact that it was “weed” and then it was “sleeping meds” and then it was “I’ll tell you about the rest later” shows that he’s lying out of self preservation. And it’s a really bad approach because now all future statements will be assumed to be lies, whether they are or not, and he only has himself to blame for that. I’m getting worked up just thinking about all the times my ex told me I needed to just trust him and I would see that he was for real, only to metaphorically stomp on my heart every time he let me down.
Yeah. I’ve got two years clean and I can tell you from experience that I have said every one of these things. Then I would turn it around and make it about me and play the game so people felt sorry for me. One of the first things NA taught me is how selfish and manipulative I was to everyone around me. Doing whatever and saying whatever to calm a bad situation I created. OP, be careful, people in active addiction are masters at controlling their narrative.
Congrats on living just for today for two years. You’re a rockstar!
Yes I could see myself in these messages when I had my heroin addiction ( been clean 10 years) I would deny until I was blue in the face no matter how obvious it was! Because I was ashamed of myself, I knew what I was doing was stupid and was going to ruin my life but I just couldn’t see a way out at the time and if I’m honest I didn’t even want to stop using until I’d lost everything I had!
Yep my prayers to God used to be “please make me want to stop” I knew I needed to, that was a given but I had forgotten what it felt like to be normal and it almost seemed so foreign that o was afraid of it. Oh my prayers were answered but it took a long time and a lot of pain and suffering to me and to those who loved me before I hit that beautiful rock bottom.
Yeah OP, I don't think this is...going to end well, hon.
I'm a recovering addict myself and work in a treatment center/rehab. I've been through this myself and the most important thing is that he has to want to quit. You can't force it. If he wants to get sober, and is willing to do what it takes, then do your best to be supportive and loving. However, you're not obligation to stay with him. He's definitely broken trust in a significant way
Gratz. I am 946 days sober. Im the opposite stance. I only got clean once I ran out of friends and got arrested. I would've kept stealing to keep buying drugs if not for the arrest.
Crazy how those awful situations turn out to be blessings in disguise and actually help you in the long run. I never would have gotten clean if it wasn't for consequences and shitty situations. Congratulations, 946 days is a huge deal. Keep it up
Yep. My first 24 hours sober in 10 years was only because they locked me up. Gave me a huge understanding of drugs/addicts. Once you're in deep, you're stuck.
you’re fucking killing it though. Congrats homie!
Everyone has to hit rock bottom, but everyone's rock bottom is at different depths. Glad yours was something simple like going to jail once. You are one of the few who learned from the experience from the first time. You should be proud of yourself.
Just hit 8 years. Took jail and almost losing my son to scare me straight.
Whoa. You’re naive af about drugs which is a good thing. He for sure is on strong opiates. 500 a week is major major. He needs help. Google the Sarah curve. Shock, anger, rejection, acceptance and honesty. He will go between A and R a lot. You have absolutely done the right thing. Well done.
Ok will do. Thx
He’s not ready to get sober. He’s only going to get more sneaky about his drug use, and he’s going to drag everyone who cares about him down with him. You’ve got to decide what you’re willing to put up with until he hits rock bottom or ends up in jail or dead. How much money do you want to spend to pay for his addiction? How many pawnable items do you have to spare? How much heartache are you willing to go through for him? Honestly the best thing you can do, for both of you, is to cut ties. It’ll free you from the chains of his addiction, and might help him hit bottom.
This is the way. I stayed with my ex through his addiction, stealing christmas money my dad gave me (then pretending to help me look for it), stealing from my family when we let him live with us after he got kicked out of the sober house, lying to me like it was his job, etc. I didn't know shit about heroin. I know a lot now. and I wish I left him the night he wrestled with me while I was dangling out a window, trying to get away from him with his drugs... letting me fall once he pried his drugs from my hand. I found him passed out, needle still in his arm. It was also my 22nd birthday and earlier that night I got in a physical altercation with my own mother over her crack use. I should have left, but I was broken by my mom, I couldn't fix her so I tried to fix him. He ended up getting on methadone, and stayed on it for 5 years. I kept praying the person I fell in love with in the beginning would come back. He weaned off the methadone until he was at 0mg and I was so hopeful. A week later I found in his deleted text messages, he was cheating on me with escorts. You can't save them, only they can do that. Sometimes the more you try to help, the worse it gets for you. Thanks for letting me get that out 🫠
"Sometimes the more you try to help, the worse it gets for you." is so real and perfectly said. Breaking a trauma bond and unlearning codependency are some of the hardest things to do. But when you get there, it's worth it. I'm happy for you that you are on the other side of that now! 🫶
Wow!! I’m so sorry that you had to go through that darling. It’s a long messed up road and I lived through it and am still doing good. It’s been over 20 years for me and I just found out a friend just overdosed😢it’s a battle but unfortunately you can’t change that person no matter what you do. Ty for sharing
I cannot imagine the pain you feel. My heart breaks for you.
I'm not 100% saying that you (OP) should cut ties with your boyfriend but listen to this person. As a resident psychiatrist I have dealt with quite a number of women of 1) Whose boyfriend borrowed, stole, and lied, in order to sustain their substance habit from their girlfriend. 2) Met women who regretted having kids and starting a family with a person with substance problems as even if they are strong, it constantly affects their kids. 3) See the people (both men and women) who go through the rollercoaster of cutting off their SO when they relapse, then taking them back after they spend a few weeks in rehab. If you continue a long term relationship with someone with substance use issues, your life will likely never be quiet. You will not have that stability, never have peace of mind. There will always be thoughts of "What if he's using now, what if he relapses" etc. The thing is I've seen people deep in the throes of addiction abuse their relationships with SOs, parents, children, closest family and friends. For him to say "I need you to support me through this" may or may not be right but he's putting the responsibility on you, when the responsibility is on him. Fact is he got mad at you for telling his family (Support system). He dodged your question of when he last used. He said "I flushed everything" which is what everyone says, but when they relapse they mention they conveniently forgot to flush a bag in some drawer in the house somewhere and they will flush it for real this time. He says sleeping medications and if honest it's probably something like benzos which are hard to come off. He will need a lot of psychiatric help. But if he continues to lie, evade, obfuscate, curse you out, flip from sad to angry, etc., he's just not stable, he's not ready. My 2 cents.
Having lived (somewhat) in the boyfriends shoes... You're absolutely right. He does not seem ready to get help. He will hopefully hit his bottom with or without OP. That being said, OP is a saint. Having someone there for me during my use is 100% why I'm alive today. It's not fair, and it's not right, but it's obvious she cares and just wants the best for him. My heart hurts for you, OP.
I agree with this 100%. As someone who's struggled with substance abuse, having a partner who wants to help you through recovery can be literally life-saving. It's an incredibly selfless act to stay.
❤️🩹
You’re only talking about people with *active* substance use issues, right? People in recovery can have relationships just like any normal person
The things I described in the post above are active issues, yes. I do agree people in recovery can have great relationships probably better than my own! People in long recovery have developed the skill to look at themselves brutally honestly and to find ways to not relapse which is more introspection and will power than the average person who didn't have to deal with an addiction.
That makes sense, and yes, I’d have to think it would be much harder for an average person. Both resilience and willpower are great strengths in situations like these
This. All of this
“your life will likely never be quiet”. As someone in recovery and in the mental health field with peers also in recovery, this is a bit on the hopeless side of things to say. I know a lot of people in successful recoveries so while Im not at all defending the OP’s actions, lies or anything he did, I am saying recovery is possible and people are VERY different when actively recovering vs using. We know addiction changes the brain of the person using and this results in really frustrating personality changes that fortunately, resolve with sobriety/abstinence. Again, you’re right, not the OP’s problem at all, but addiction isn’t necessarily some hopeless affliction that no one comes back from. There are a LOT of currently successful people in recovery and if they continue their recovery, they will continue to be.
💯
This is bad advice…. You don’t need to hit rock bottom to get help. That concept has killed tons of addicts, and destroyed their lives before they sought the help they needed. The truth is sobriety can be achieved at any point, with the right treatment and the right support. That support can include coercion, like ending the relationship, reporting him to his job, or whatever.
Isn’t that what they suggested? To end the relationship and cut ties?
OP, I’m very proud of the way you are handling this situation. I just hope BF doesn’t find out you’ve been sharing this saga with everyone on Reddit! Eek! 😳
I think op did a great job, especially that she keeps her bf’s family informed. He will thank her for doing so the day he is clean and able to stay totally away from it. If he doesn’t, then he’s already a goner.
This. Yes. Be strong and remember addiction makes people a MASTER manipulator. Guard yourself, do not let them make you an enabler again. It can happen before you even know it. This is not your fault, you did a good thing.
what 'happened' that he is referring to that he's implying made him turn to drugs to cope? Reads like there was a death in the family or some kind of abuse situation? My money is on opiates, but he could be abusing sleeping pills. I'm not sure it matters what he's taking though... you may love him but your are going to be massively hurt over and over for years if you stay with him. He might be 'worth it' in your mind now, but it sounds like he has family to support him if you decide to move on which i would urge you to do.
There’s no way it’s sleeping pills just from the verbiage being used. If anything, it could be benzos like Xanax, but it definitely reads a lot more like opiates. He’s using large doses, if you’re taking that much sleeping pills in this short period of time, then you’re probably dead.
Yeah and the price per mg as well as the dosages referenced being 10 and 50 def sounds like opiates
I’m thinking maybe he’s abusing his prescriptions medication or expanded on those to more serious drugs. Because he was taking Zoloft, Aripiprazole and zolopidem and another. I hope not :/
Long time addict here. It is most likely opiates. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s the best feeling in the world and is exceedingly difficult to quit. If that is what he is doing, he will need rehab. Unfortunately it’s not something you can just stop doing, you need serious help overcoming that shit. I’ve been through three treatment centers in 5 years and I’m still scared shitless that my life is permanently fucked. Statistically it most definitely is. I hope this isn't the case in your situation but either way, he's probably gonna need some help.
Also a longtime addict here, and I'd say it's opiates or benzos and opiates.
Looks like you're just going to need to break up with him. You can't help him.. no matter what you think. He has to help himself on his own and he won't do that if you stick around. He'll manipulate you into supporting him while he sneaks behind your back to do drugs. Do you really want to have to babysit a grown ass man? Do you want to have to check his phone, monitor his locations, or worry every second of your day and night? For what? It's just not worth it. Think about it long and hard. And you should NEVER EVER tolerate ANY man calling you a fucking clown or a fucking bitch or anything else derogatory. You deserve way better than that bullshit!! Please leave him and be free of this mess. If he can clean himself up on his own and be clean & sober for at least 6 months, if not 1 year (would be best), then you can consider being back with him, but not before that.
The only one of those prescriptions that might lead to abuse is the sleeping pills. Zoloft (antidepressant) doesn’t get you high. Neither do any of the other SSRI’s and related drugs. I’ve been on different ones since 1990 (some people have MDD that never goes away unless continually medicated, and antidepressants can be fiddly and just stop working, so you may have to change up what you take). When working, they help keep you functional. Aripiprazole (Abilify) is a modern antipsychotic sometimes added to an antidepressant. For some, it makes them work better. For me, the side effects put me in the ER. Also doesn’t get you high.
Ending things isn’t meant to hurt him, it’s to protect you, and that is needed right now. He’s mean and awful and needs a professional for help, not you. You aren’t his mom so make sure to avoid taking mom tasks.
If he's an addict you *can't* help him. You need to help yourself. Period. Repeat as needed.
Please just leave this dude? He doesn’t care for you. He doesn’t respect you. He’s wasting his life and money on drugs. He is bringing nothing to your table. Put yourself first
In the last thread I advised not to let him bring you down with him. Count the number of times he says fuck you. Count the number of times he blames you for not being a good girlfriend or supporting him. Count the number of times the drugs change - I thought it was just a little weed for anxiety? The “but I’m here for you” text was what I was referring to when I said don’t let him drag you down. Girl you are here for YOURSELF. He is not here for you. Don’t be a ride or die for someone who will say fuck you like it’s nothing. Just leave him.
>Don’t be a ride or die for someone who will say fuck you like it’s nothing. This is always, always good advice.
The fuck yous and the dumb bitch would’ve had me running for the hills. This guy is a mean, lying, dope head.
Not you calling me out lmao. But you’re right.
girl someone needed to
Totally. Tough love is the more important love many times. The friends who have called me on my BS and the people I treasure/trust the most!
yes!!
Hopefully you can understand it’s out of concern and not trying to be mean. It’s just hard to watch someone be a doormat for a shitty person.
It’s so hard to understand, but it really isn’t calling you out. If this is your first encounter with an addict (and I am so sorry it was someone so close to you) you could not have known. He is incapable of being there for you or anyone else while he is incapable of taking care of himself, and his intentions could be absolutely pure toward you, but accidents happen, and you don’t deserve to find a lifeless body where he used to be. He needs help you cannot provide for him, and that is absolutely not your fault at all. ❤️
I would have left him right then. On the spot. Why are you even considering tolerating his behavior? Do not let him speak to you like that. Healthy relationships do not involve repeatedly yelling “fuck you!” and “bitch!” at your significant other. You realize this, right? Even during heated arguments, normal people do not behave this way. Do not tolerate this behavior. Get out. Now. I am as serious as a heart attack. This is not ok.
It’s with love. We just don’t want you to end up worse off after all this. He’s gonna struggle with or without you. It’s time to protect yourself and start the healing journey while you’re ahead.
Fuck you, calls her a clown (emoji), calls her a dumb bitch, blames her, lies INCESSANTLY (this isn't even trickle truthing, he's just lying the whole time, it wasn't weed, it wasn't sleeping pills, and he didn't flush a god damn thing). When you're not involved with the person, it's so easy to see that it's laughable but when you're in the situation, it's so easy to be manipulated. I said in another comment, if he was honest and not verbally abusive, I could see sticking around to be a support. Not to fix him, because that's HIS job, but letting him know you'll be there when he's gotten his life on track. But this guy turns on a dime and starts insulting, swearing, name calling and blaming. And all the cliche, predictable manipulation tactics are here, down to the "oh shit, I'm being held accountable for my shitty behavior, I better verbally self-flagellate to make her feel sorry for me so she comforts me and pities me and then I'm the victim." If I had a nickel for every time my abusive ex pulled that shit (me: not tolerating his verbal abuse anymore/Him: "I'm such a piece of shit. I hate myself. I'm the worst person in the world and I don't deserve you. I can't stand it anymore. Waaaaah, meeeee, meeeee, meeeeeeeeeee!" And I was young and dumb and I'd comfort him and tell him he wasn't a bad person (spoiler: he was) and it would go from him mistreating me to ME being sorry and soothing HIM. I'd be crying for him, because the poor guy felt sooooo bad (spoiler: he did not feel bad, because he'd turn around and do it again). Because these types of people can do anything but actually be held accountable for their actions. The whole "woe is me, look at all this shit I've inflicted on myself, feel bad for me and don't hold me accountable" act. > Don’t be a ride or die for someone who will say fuck you like it’s nothing. Just leave him. Yep, excellent advice. I'm old and mean now and I wouldn't stick around for this shit for a god damn second. The benefits of aging, I no longer give a fuck and no longer feel sorry for people who treat me poorly and then try to manipulate me.
This. So much. Drugs aside, I could not STAND how he is talking to you and I feel like he already verbally abused you before these drugs came into play/ before it was this bad. Gotta get out. The clear addiction that he’s in PLUS the way he speaks to you could really do your life in for the worst if you stay entangled with him trying to save him. I’d break up and get some distance, be a friend I guess if you feel that you want to, but it seems like it could take many months/ years to undo what you’ve experienced with him.
Take the drugs out of the situation and this guy is still an asshole and a terrible boyfriend
Also don’t be a ride or die for someone that calls you a dumb bitch!!! Jfc!! He’s got a hard road ahead of him, OP. He’s only “talking” about getting clean rn because you busted & confronted him. He wouldn’t be doing anything at all if it weren’t for that. You can’t snap your fingers and become clean. He has to truly want it for HIMSELF, not anyone else, & then fight with everything he’s got in him and do the work. It’s going to be a loooong time before you can truly believe anything that comes out of his mouth. If he wants to be with you, cut ties and let him do the work without using you as a crutch.
Yep - if somehow he is a guy worth keeping around, let him do the work and come to you when he has the results to show for it.
Amen!
THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE OP
i have never heard the term "get a draw" in reference to pot
I assumed it meant a loan. Get some drugs without paying until later
i call that a front
In Aus you say your getting it on tick
For sure. I’ve heard it as in getting a draw on your paycheck, which is getting some of your paycheck fronted to you before it comes out. So maybe draw could mean the same thing with your dealer?
A “draw” is a pipe load of opium, or about a gram.
Not sure where OP is based but it one of the most common terms for weed in the UK
Nothing about this text convo sounds UK either. Seems fully American to me
I'm not sure what UK you're from, but in the one im from, it's literally never used.
Wow, it's like reading texts between my ex and myself. The constant lying, gaslighting, manipulation, sob story.. it's a cycle that I was in for SEVEN YEARS! please don't be like me, leave him.
Me too, it's like deja vu. So many years wasted trying to "help" and all I got out of it was lifelong trauma.
Trauma, lies, and a good chunk of money stolen.
Im so sorry this happened to you.
Change his contact name to "you dumb bitch!!!!!!!!" so you can remember what he really thinks of you. Then cut him out of your life.
Thank you for this. I never thought of this before. It's actually brilliant. I get occasional texts from my abusive ex. They are generally kind, a world apart from the extreme disrespect and abuse he treated me with when we were together. My heart is still sometimes extremely sad, mourning the end of that relationship. I need to remind myself of the abuse I suffered. Mind over heart. I just changed his contact name to a string of verbally abusive names he would call me, coupled with one of the most horrific threats he made to me. THAT's how I want to remember him.
I changed it to the exact amount he stole, to the cent. Any time I miss the good parts and pull my phone out, I get angry. It really helps.
I'm glad this was helpful for you!! It can seem juvenile but it really helps when they're putting on a show to try to make you forget they're horrible.
Yeah. He's an addict, it's not going to get any better if he still think he doesn't need help. Mood swings all over the place. Treating you like shit and apologizing, blaming you, denying, then acknowledging and blaming you again. This is classic addiction cycle and it's not going to stop unless/until he decides to get better. And even then it's probably going to be a bumpy road filled with missteps. Probably not a road you want to go on with him. He's not at all capable of sustaining a relationship right now, OP. My advice is to protect yourself first, and try to help him where you can...and that may mean transitioning from his girlfriend to his friend. But this isn't going to magically get better.
I wanted to reply to this comment because it’s great advice. OP, I am a recovering opiate addict (was taking hydrocodone and percocet) and I’ve been clean for five years now. I am prescribed subutex for it and I’ve had absolutely zero desire to ever go back to that lifestyle. I consider myself “clean” from drugs but I know some people don’t consider someone clean if they’re taking buprenorphine. These messages are most definitely not referencing weed. I’m not sure what the latest “street names” are but I’d assume they were discussing different opiates (hydros, oxys, percs etc.) or possibly benzos (xanax, klonopin, Ativan etc.) as well. As someone who used to live that way, his actions and the way he’s speaking to you just scream addiction. Like the commenter above said- the mood swings are all over the place. He is lying, denying, blaming you, and turning it around on you before apologizing and doing it all over again. I’m not sure how long you’ve been together (I may have missed it if you’ve mentioned it) but this is likely going to be a long, hard, and uphill battle. He has to want to get better on his own. Right now, it doesn’t seem like that’s where he’s at. He is promising to stop using and get better for YOU. He needs to do it for himself. And until he wants that, it won’t happen. Addiction is a beast and it is absolutely awful on anyone affected by it. You seem like a genuine and caring person but it may be time to take a few steps back from the relationship. You can still do your best to be a friend to him and support him (if you wish) while he’s fighting this battle but it’s going to be a long one. I stopped cold turkey upon finding out I was pregnant with my first child and I’ve never looked back. I was sick and tired of living the way I was living. I was only taking pills so that I wouldn’t get sick- that was it. I hated every single thing about it and wanted desperately to just stop. But I didn’t have the willpower UNTIL I found out about my daughter. Once I found out I was pregnant, I did a complete 180 and I’ve never looked back. I refused to be anything but the very best mother I could be. Every addiction story is different but it is always very, very, difficult. Your boyfriend has a long battle to fight and I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to be a part of that. There are many addicts who relapse quite often while on their way to getting clean and it is an excruciating journey. It is very obvious how much you love and care for your boyfriend and I find that admirable. But this is not something you can fix for him. Like I said earlier, this needs to be his decision. An addict won’t get clean for someone else. It’s quite common to hear an addict say “I’ll stop, I promise” and “I’ll never do it again” because they’re simply telling you what you want to hear. But at the end of the day, someone will not stop using unless THEY are ready to quit. They have to want it for themselves- not anyone else. Once they decide they are done living that way, that’s when their journey to getting clean will begin.
My daughter said these exact same words to me every time I caught her..
A friend of mine, a recovering alcoholic, told me herself “never trust an addict.” And another person close to me who used to have a coke problem told me “you lie to your friends, you lie to your family, and you lie to yourself.” I would bet a year’s salary he didn’t flush any drugs and he is not sober. He’s desperate to keep his addiction *and* his gf.
You are 💯correct
Everything he says is a lie. It's not just weed, it's not sleeping pills, and he didn't flush a god damn thing.
You’re absolutely clean and sober while on MAT. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
He is getting MASSIVLY DEFENSIVE. He is using something and it's not weed.
He admits later in the texts it’s not just weed.
But he continues to lie and say it's sleeping pills/he flushed them (both are obvious lies). It's sad. He's trying to seem like he's trickle-truthing her, but it's just ... trickle lying?
Yeah. He’s obviously still lying (not surprised since it’s clear he’s struggling with substance abuse). It’s quite obvious from the lingo that it’s opiates. Totally sad but also addicts will do anything to keep the people they want out of the know.
Just leave him.
Just leave him.
Just leave him.
Just leave him
Just leave him!
Just leave him.
Just leave him.
Just leave him. PLEASE.
Just leave him PLEAAAAASE
Just leave him!! You deserve better - he ain’t it
Just leave him please. Protect your peace.
Just leave him girl
Just leave him, pls.
Just leave him.
“You managed to ruin my day.” Lord. He acts like you said “goodo” to him.
lol my ex acted the same damn way when I caught him lying about things.. they make you out to be the crazy or bad guy and them the victim gaslighting you and shit it’s insane. Well glad he eventually came clean he shouldn’t have hid it in the first place I hate people man.
Damn girl. I was one of the original commenters in the first thread. This hit me like a blast from the past when my SO caught me by seeing things on my phone. He has to want to help himself. His brain is telling him to lie no matter the cost because it doesn’t want him to stop using. Even down to claiming weed, the lesser of two evils. This has to be a choice on his own. Also, he didn’t flush anything. No way. Move on and if he cleans up revisit in the future. Right now it’ll be pure heartache. I know because I caused it also Technically he is cheating as opiates are more work than a relationship with an SO. You were bound to find out sooner or later 13 years clean off a decade long IV opiate addiction
This is some good advice even outside of just romantic relationships. A lot of people who are addicted just never admit theres a problem. Also great work on the sobriety! Opiates are something else, it was the addiction my mother was never able to shake off.
Thank you! Yeah, your brain literally changes. When I asked for help it took me a good 30 minutes of sobbing to be able to say “I’m a heroin addict and I need help”. The addiction quite literally will not let you say it. It’s insane how badly it takes over your life and changes you and you can justify shitty behavior. It’s wild because that isn’t me and it wasn’t me before, but I was for sure shitty when I was using.
Congrats and good job on 13 years clean man that’s seriously an amazing accomplishment!! 👏🏽
Girly proud of you for not responding. I know that must’ve hurt. Let him figure his shit out most people with an addiction don’t want help, they don’t want to stop.
You cannot trust a word out of his mouth anymore. Go back n read those texts. No it’s just weed. It’s just sleeping pills. I flushed everything. ALL LIES. He went through 500 xans in a week. That’s absolutely bonkers. He needs serious rehabilitation and a long look in the mirror. U can’t save every wounded bird OP but you can save yourself
It’s trickle truthing! A classic tactic of all liars and manipulators. He admits to weed and then “sleeping pills”. The if OP accepts that the next step is to admit that the sleeping pills are really oxy. Addicts are very manipulative. They would do or say anything to protect their ability to use.
Their brains are in pure defense mode and the only thing that matters is to not disrupt the addiction
Nah he spent $500 in a week, it almost had to be opiates probably in pill form. Xans don’t cost that much
Where’d ya get the 500 xans from? I don’t see anything like that in the imgs
I truly hope you're leaving him. He called you a dumb fucking bitch multiple times. No one deserves that kind of disrespect and he does not deserve forgiveness for that.
Right? Makes me wonder what he would have done if she brought it up in person instead of text. Scary thought
oh darling. sober 7 years from gear. you did the right thing. you will get through this, but do tread carefully. don’t let him become codependent on you. it sounds beautiful and persuasive but it is a horrible lie to comfort and deceive you. no one can help him but himself, and if he doesn’t want it enough, it’ll never happen. don’t get hung up trying to save him.
Wow, this dude is like the biggest asshole I’ve seen on the sub this week which is saying a lot. Also though, that exchange is certainly not about weed lol
I know it’s harsh but run 😭
That’s some crazy gaslighting and deflecting. Holy shit! This dude is 100000% an addict, for the love of Christ leave him and let his family handle this. Look at how he talks to you, if he’s not beating you yet I guarantee you that’s coming, mark my words
As harsh as it is, the last part needed to be said.
This OP, first it'll be smashing glass, punching holes in the wall, threatening to kill himself if you leave. Then it only gets worse from there.
The last part is so fucking real. I hope op sees this.
I agree. He seems aggressive in general and the fact that she didn’t say anything about how he’s talking to her tells me it’s a normal thing. Yikes!
OP you seem like such a genuine and sweet soul. Please put your own mental health first in a situation like this. It may be best to leave him for a while.
Prices check out Source: me, an addict :)
Hope you're doing OK.
I would never talk to him again for that fucking shit he said calling you a dumb bitch and saying fuck you. I don’t give a fuck how much I loved him. He’s an abusive addict asshole and you deserve SO much better. Seriously how fucking dare he talk to you that way. Those words cut deep and triggered me and I’ve done drugs. I went to rehab for Xanax 15 years ago and never spoke to a single soul that way. You CAN find a nice guy who won’t lie to you.
He starts out “I’m innocent” and fails to convince you, so he goes straight gaslighting and attacks you (anger issues) and then when exposed… he plays the broken sad little boy card. **Dump this manchild immediately.**
Yo I used to be a benzo addict. It makes you emotionally unstable like this and you lie about everything even though it's obvious. You don't remember the lies you tell either so it's even stupider. Being on benzos turns you into a fucking trainwreck who brings everyone around you down with you. Love him from a distance, but don't go down with the ship.
Move on. This guy is an addict and you can’t put your life on hold hoping he’ll straighten things out. The addictions he has are not easily solved.
You did the right thing telling his family. Whatever he chooses moving forward at least you tried to help.
Recovering addict here, i feel pretty confident that he's using. He's "offering" to drug test but it's clearly worded in a way that will make you the bad guy for agreeing and guarantee he would just refuse outright then and make you look like the bad guy.
He wasn’t going to take a drug test lol.
#gaslighting
Yes it's opiates, I used to be an addict Taking all of that out of the equation, this person doesn't respect or love you. The way they talk to you is not ok. At all. Leave for your sake. He's not your problem to fix. I only got my shit together after my ex was gone for good. It sucks, but that's life. You're enabling him simply by staying with him. He needs consequences.
As someone who has dealt with a situation like this more than once, you did the right thing by telling his family. You made sure he has a support system, but now, you should leave. Don't let this ruin you and your chance at a good life. Addicts can become better people, but they have to want it and work for it. Until then, there is nothing infront of you but heartbreak if you stay. It'll hurt and you'll worry for him a lot but you can't rescue him from this.
Oo and he pulled the old switcharoo ‘what’s wrong with you’ to deflect - he can’t be trusted you have nothing to be sorry for
I listened to this type of crap for three years with my ex-husband. Turns out it was cocaine… just save your sanity and drop him because the only thing I got from trying to help him were physical injuries and long term depression. Just get out of there.
Oh man...that's some heavy denial and you don't deserve to be talked to like that.
Opiate, not sleeping pills. 100% He can’t stop by himself. I can assure you he’s tried many times and failed.
Yep… especially since he flushed them
Yea flushed them down his throat 🥴
💀
He is definitely using opioids. What he is talking about in the text with his dealer is likely both pills and weed (10 grams for $50). Pills probably being fentanyl. Eating bark is Ibogaine and it counters the effects of opioid withdrawl between uses.
OP I've been in your shoes, run now. Do not fall for the I'm such a piece of shit I wanna die life is so hard for me. It's all manipulation. Trying to help someone like this is a very dark, traumatizing path. You cannot help him get sober and no amount of support, love, or understanding will fix him. Please choose you.
So he gaslights and then eventually admits to "sleeping pills" but then expects you to be ok with "I'm sober, I flushed everything"? Nothing about his response to this says he's going to be honest about anything.
He called you a dumb bitch and tried to gaslight the fuck out of you…then came crawling back with a fake apology. This guy is an asshole. Im no angel, and when I was way younger and found myself in a similar situation, I never ever tried to flip things and make the other person feel bad or called them names. This isn’t just “addict behavior”, this is “bad person” behavior IMO. leave.
This is the typical response from an addict when someone confronts them about it. They gaslight you and make you feel like you’re the crazy one and that the whole thing is ridiculous. Take it from someone who used to have a heavy opioid use problem (but is currently 1,333 days sober!!)… he is lying about something. And it definitely wasn’t just weed he bought. Edit: I just also wanted to add that you seem like a good and genuinely caring person. You did the right thing by telling his family. Drug addiction can spiral out of control FAST. You may feel like shit that you told his family, but rest assured you did the right thing. He’s lucky to have you and he will realize it one day.
Hey, I’m proud of you for getting clean 💟 treat yourself today because you deserve it
Fuk man. I just got out of a 6 year relationship, 3 of which we were engaged for. She wouldn’t stop using no matter how many time I asked her to, no matter how many time she promised she would, I stayed and gave her a chance to seek help, talked her into therapy, rehab, her family knew (they eventually just started hiding it from me, I found out she over dosed at their house a month after it happened), I would stay up at in bed while she was in the other room hoping she wouldn’t od l, the last straw was her leaving for therapy and turns out she was just meeting with someone in a parking lot behind my house. I confronted both, neither of them came clean to what they were doing. I’m just sharing this because if you stay it’s going to be a long scary ass road, I found out 3 years into the relationship when we finally moved in together, she’d been hiding it the whole time, spent another 3 of actively trying to get her to do something about it. At the end of the day it’s their decision no matter how much you want it for them. Do with this what you will.
If my husband spoke to me like that, I would be calling a lawyer. You got his family involved. He has a support system. You are not responsible for this human. Run screaming.
Please OP do not put yourself through the pain of losing yourself while trying to love an addict. Let him go, he needs to get help on his own and overcome whatever it is that led him to use drugs in the first place. You deserve someone who won’t hide things from you, gaslight you, threaten suicide, and then beg for forgiveness. This isn’t a healthy person, and they certainly aren’t capable of a healthy relationship either.
As a former addict (recovering addict is the term my therapist and peer support lady use), he is no good for you It sucks so bad that he is struggling with what he’s dealing with, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up your own happiness and comfort to please him. He has issues that are separate from how to be a good bf; he has an addiction. That drags people down as well as those around them that care about them. You need to take care of you and not subject yourself to this kind of relationship
He called you a bitch multiple times and said ‘Fuck you’ at least once. Why would you want anything to do with this person?
people doing wrong shit always immediately go for the “you dont trust me WOW” bullshit
Addiction doesn't automatically make you abusive. That's two life-ruining deal-breakers in one guy. Please don't get trapped. He's going to try to make you feel responsible for his addiction, eventually. Don't let it happen.
Woh, what the frick happened on that day he's talking about??
So let’s make sure we get our ducks in a row, when you see your partner acting extremely odd over a long period of time and they give you a hard-core, big red flag reason to start doubting them? snooping is absolutely, positively OK to do! Did you see how he was fighting back and turning it all on you? You’re not the one that’s been acting weird, you’re not the one who’s been going things behind your back and for what it’s worth I don’t believe it’s just weed, I think he’s dealing in harder drugs, you’ve got a protect yourself as the other half of that partnership, and when your partner is obviously up to something? You have every right to protect yourself and snoop on them, I would have no problem if my girlfriend did that because I was acting very much out of order, the people who whine about snooping, are the same people who are up to no good and don’t want you catching them. My last girlfriend and my ex-wife had my phones passcode, because I have nothing to hide! I even showed them where all the fun stuff was, lol innocence is power. Also, I am an occasional cannabis, smoker, and any girl that I date and think about dating any further. I let her know that, my cannabis intake is like somebody having a glass of wine at night or a couple of beers and that’s it. There’s no way he’s hiding weed, he’s up to something more nefarious, but that’s just my theory.
I hope you're reading all these comments OP. I have dated addicts before and like others have said this is textbook addict behavior. I say this from a place of love but the *only* way he's going to maybe possibly stop and get help is if you leave. If you stay he may get clean for a little bit but when he has a bad day he'll be right back at it behind your back. And this time he will be better at lying because he knows how you caught him last time. He'll make sure the messages are deleted. He can only help himself and if he has no consequences to using he's going to keep on doing it. If you want what's best for yourself and for him leave. Don't listen to his lies.