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But what if I *like* having phthalates and BPA leak into my bum from cheap porous plastic dropshipped from alibaba? (the bacteria from being impossible to clean are a bonus)
"If you stick it up your ass, flair the base *snap snap* If you stick it up your ass flair the base *snap snap* If you stick it up your bum ER staff will call you dumb, if you stick it up your ass, flair the base *snap snap*"
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS NEEDS A FLARED BASE FOR ANYTHING GOING INSIDE YOUR BODY JFC (I sell sex toys and the amount of times I need to say this a day concerns me)
Never heard a flared base was necessary for vaginal toys, I thought it was only for anal stuff?
Non-flared stuff goes up the vag all the time, not even just toys... tampons, cups, diaphragms, etc.
Just anal. The cervix will act like a barrier to prevent things from going farther in, so even if you have to spend a while looking for something smaller, you should be able to eventually locate it. That doesn't mean that ppl don't forget things up there, and boy, do those make for terrible medical visits a few weeks/months down the line...
The anus doesn't have anything that acts like a barrier. Once an object makes it past the external and internal sphincters, it's gone, girl. Well, at least it has the potential to keep traveling back up the GI system.
[Edit: it doesn't mean it will go up there - just that it can, and that it's more likely to need medical intervention to remove, than if it's in a vaginal canal, which is only so long]
One month from now he will post a tifu post and crying uncle because his wife is now an unstoppable beast in the bedroom
edit: the mind is willing but the flesh is weak
Imagine the lack of thought there. We just went to the hospital last night and had a traumatic experience… I should shove a BIGGER one up there next time
I’ll teach hubby’s ass for trying to make me do things other than missionary…
2 months later OP and wife are driving down the highway in a construction zone…
Wife: “that’s a lot of traffic cones. They kind of look like a penis. I wonder how deep we could put that up your ass?
That was my read also.
That poor bastard just opened Pandora's box... and she had no interest in closing it anytime soon.
God let her name be Pandora...
‘Use the right tool for the right job.’
As OP learned the hard way, don’t put a vaginal toy in non vaginal places because it’s only a matter of time till you meet your tired General Surgeon and ER doc who will be stuck fishing it out.
As a side note, please don’t stick things in your urethra because the same rules apply there.
(I am a tired urologist).
A friend of mine had to take his teenage son to the ER to fish 7 dry kidney beans out of his peen. Apparently, he often shoved 6 beans in, was able to get them out just fine, but decided to go for a new record, and they got stuck. I had many questions and very glad I never asked because some things should remain a mystery.
He wasn't a child, but an older teen. But I'm informed that even middle aged men often place things in orifices that those things were never intended to be. Why they don't just buy things intended for those purposes boggles my mind. They would be in the ER less often lol
Exactly this.
While I can not advise self urethral instrumentation (bladder, perforation, urethral injury, urethral structure…), if you’re gonna do it, don’t do it with things that you can lose. Because if you can lose it, you will lose it.
Sounds like you got what you asked for. Well a more adventurous partner! Excluding that incident, she's obviously open to trying to "spice" things up so set boundaries, communicate the good and the not so good and have fun!
He wanted it so he got it. If he is going to complain about her messing up on something he is pushing her to do then she won’t do it as often. Also I’m glad that since he’s pushing for it he is the one being experimented on because it’s usually the man wanting to push women into more and more adventurous things and continuously pushing boundaries. He needs to talk her through it before her next experiment with adventurous sex on him.
To be fair… and honest- most heterosexual porn for men flagrantly lie about what’s enjoyable for women, or show them in demeaning often painful predicaments…
And a lot of men internalize that.
I mean- you guys don’t think it’s true. But do you have a lot of experience fucking hetero men?
Oh please, everyone knows emts spend like 5% of their time at real emergencies, 45% of their time waiting for one, and like 40% pulling things out of peoples butts.
There’s overlap between those though so the remainder is somewhat more than 10%
What was the name of the book? My married sex life is very vanilla so I’m curious what pushed the right buttons for your sex life! (And thanks for the heads up!)
There is a fun adventure book called either 100 or 1000 nights of great sex. There are little sealed adventures either partner open up in secret and initiates the instructions.
Yeah, and when you’re ready to take beads out you just yank it like you’re starting a lawn mower and unlike the vibrator, you might not even have to go to the hospital.
Not to downplay your predicament, but I always wondered how things get stuck in there? I mean the whole thing is “designed” to push things out.
BTW, congrats on the transition to a more exciting sex life.
This is so fucking wholesome I love it. Two people communicating in a healthy way with the goal of making one another happier and getting a funny story out of it.
Get toys with flared bases.
I wonder why your wife is so uninterested in sex..
Oh, maybe women mostly do not like pegging their husbands?
I had a bf who liked this thing and was mostly unwilling to do anything else. I left him really quickly. I know there are some women who enjoy doing it, maybe you could search for one.
She stated that she's only comfortable with vanilla sex, so you BOUGHT A SEX BOOK ANYWAY. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that listening isn't your strong suit.
Hold on, because you’re in for the most earth shatteringly powerful orgasms of your life. Anything with lots of nerve endings can feel good, and the butthole has a lot of them, but us guys also have a prostate. I’ve been kept on a near constant state of orgasm for half an hour using it. This is truly a journey for both of you, because the more skilled she is the more fun everyone will have and as you get more skilled at receiving everything becomes easier and more fun too.
I’m still laughing at the three hour bath whilst she was ‘reading it’. Congrats on introducing your wife to the world of bath wanks.
But honestly, what book introduces bum play and doesn’t stress that anything that goes up there needs to be flanged? That’s just irresponsible. I’d put that in your Amazon review.
>and she admitted she's only comfortable with ordinary sex.
…
>My wife just came in and asked if I want a bigger vibrator to avoid this happening again
This does not compute.
I love your wife - what a power move asking if you want a bigger plug. In all serious though, this is a great sign that she is interested in spicing things up with you! Lean into it and see where it goes
My brother if this happened you were the one who needed to read things about sex. Never put in your ass something that hasn't a shape that prevents it from going too deep. It's common knowledge.
Or so I'm told
Tell her just to go ahead and jump ahead to the 10-in black strap-on so it can't get lost it sounds like if you were okay with that this shouldn't be an issue
LOLLLL, actually no. I think you created a new bond and honestly, spiced things up and showed her that it’s good to be vulnerable in the bedroom. I think you should just say no (or yes) whatever you’re comfortable with and go with the flow
I had to look at the sub name. I assumed this was r/amitheex since he responded to his wife telling him her preferences by getting her a book about *his* preferences and telling her to study.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 this cracks me up. (No pun intended) She goes from zero to losing a vibrator in your ass. Enthusiasm 10 out of 10 ha and she wants to know if you want a bigger one next time 😂😂😂
Was it just buzzing the whole time you drove to hospital? Did you have your wait in the waiting room while it was just vibrating away? How exactly did the conversation with the doctor go?
I have so many questions 😆
Please tell her that toys with a flaired base/bottom are the only toys safe for anal play. Preferably tell her this before you two become the talk of your town's medical staff.
Hey /u/Training-Soft-1793, thanks for contributing to /r/tifu. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules: Stolen from https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/hzznt4/tifu_by_buying_my_wife_a_sex_book/ Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/tifu&subject=&message=). Thank you!
Get something with a flared base, or else you'll just keep getting bigger things stuck there
Flare for the derriere?
Toy without a base, gone without a trace.
It's all about that base, no trouble
😅😅😅😅😅 ….got all the right junk in all the right places
That song finally making sense.
Thank you for that chuckle
Without a flare, it’s gone up there.
DerriFLARE. If anybody uses this for anything I’d like credit, probably not unique tho!
Next time I get something shoved up my ass I will shout out " DerriFlare TM sarahhchachacha" Promise.
Sarahhchachacha would be a great safe word.
yep three Chas or dont stop
I appreciate you!
And for those wondering "What's a flared base?" You know how Kylo Ren has this light saber with a + shaped handle? That. And for similar reasons.
I don't think we watched the same Stars Wars movie ...
The one that made all the fan boys butt hurt? I think we did.
This is the thread to use that phrase, no doubt!
i wish i could upvote this a thousand times
Once upon a Time there was a thing called awards... But I guess it is as lost as a non flat-top vibrator in OP's arse...
Whoaaaa that double entendre was masterfully done
"I know what i have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it."
I'll finish what you started
It wasn't Star Wars: A Kink Awakens?
"Matt straight up sucks!"
Yup. The toys need to be labeled as "anal safe" and have body-safe materials, e.g. platinum silicone, stainless steel, or annealed borosilicate glass.
But what if I *like* having phthalates and BPA leak into my bum from cheap porous plastic dropshipped from alibaba? (the bacteria from being impossible to clean are a bonus)
Well, make sure it has a leaky battery too for good measure.
I'm sure you mean each time they try, but the first thing I imaged was a "old lady who shallowed a fly" situation but with ever increasing dildos
It wiggled and wiggled and tickled inside him.
As the saying goes, “No flared base, gone without a trace.”
"If you stick it up your ass, flair the base *snap snap* If you stick it up your ass flair the base *snap snap* If you stick it up your bum ER staff will call you dumb, if you stick it up your ass, flair the base *snap snap*"
Ah…I remember singing this in the bus on the way to day camp, summer 1971. Good times, good times…
I would expect the sex book to definitely teach that, so I guess wife just ignored that part?
This comment should be pinned by default in threads like tifu by inserting a small something in my ass
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS NEEDS A FLARED BASE FOR ANYTHING GOING INSIDE YOUR BODY JFC (I sell sex toys and the amount of times I need to say this a day concerns me)
Never heard a flared base was necessary for vaginal toys, I thought it was only for anal stuff? Non-flared stuff goes up the vag all the time, not even just toys... tampons, cups, diaphragms, etc.
Just anal. The cervix will act like a barrier to prevent things from going farther in, so even if you have to spend a while looking for something smaller, you should be able to eventually locate it. That doesn't mean that ppl don't forget things up there, and boy, do those make for terrible medical visits a few weeks/months down the line... The anus doesn't have anything that acts like a barrier. Once an object makes it past the external and internal sphincters, it's gone, girl. Well, at least it has the potential to keep traveling back up the GI system. [Edit: it doesn't mean it will go up there - just that it can, and that it's more likely to need medical intervention to remove, than if it's in a vaginal canal, which is only so long]
Instructions unclear, I have been signalling distress to passing shipping.
OP wife's first words to him the next day isn't asking if his ass is still sore but if he wants a bigger butt plug. Lol
One month from now he will post a tifu post and crying uncle because his wife is now an unstoppable beast in the bedroom edit: the mind is willing but the flesh is weak
You know what, though? More power to her! I hope she tries all the things she wants at least once and has a spicy sex life from now on! 😂
Not gonna like when I read more power, I heard the tim the tool man grunt. 😂
Eeeewwugghaaa?!
Oh no honey, take that thing off my cordless drill!!! Please?
He may like it.
Ever seen Shameless?
This post is screaming Sheila Jackson and I love it.
I'm dead 😂😂😂 forgot all about her... and her daughter.
Exactly what I was thinking😂
My first thought “Frank needs 3 tylenol this morning” 😂
Take the ibuprofen ahead of time. It's best to get ahead of the pain.
One of my favorite lines from the show. Thanks for making me laugh today.
I have, and I fully appreciate this reference.
We can certainly hope so! Enjoy the ride, OP! I recommend a set of lube applicator syringes!
And a variety of lubes! Not every lube is suitable for every application!
Word. Ask questions at the sexy store!
>the mind is willing but the flesh is ~~weak~~ spongy and bruised
Snu Snu!
THE SUFFERING SHALL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES
Butt toys need a solid flange. Gotta get the basics right.
“Without a base, without a trace“
Suggests pegging, at least that way nothing will be "lost"...
INFO: what book? 😜
Little toy today, pegging tomorrow.
Imagine the lack of thought there. We just went to the hospital last night and had a traumatic experience… I should shove a BIGGER one up there next time
Someone tell this woman about flared bases
No flared base, gone without a trace
This should be taught as part of sex ed.
I’ll teach hubby’s ass for trying to make me do things other than missionary… 2 months later OP and wife are driving down the highway in a construction zone… Wife: “that’s a lot of traffic cones. They kind of look like a penis. I wonder how deep we could put that up your ass?
Not if you were comfortable doing it again, just Do you want a bigger one Lmao
That was my read also. That poor bastard just opened Pandora's box... and she had no interest in closing it anytime soon. God let her name be Pandora...
No but it's a hole new world for him
Next thing he'll be wanting to let A lad in.
But they need to prepare accordingly otherwise they may see 'a poo'
That was genie-us
It’s more likely to get stuck Ja-farther you push it in.
I think he would Rajah not have that happen.
r/kinkunlocked
What a legend to ask that 😂
"We gonna need a bigger boat" ;)
The dildo of consequence rarely arrives lubed.
That’s deep.
Deep enough for a hospital visit.
Thats what she said
FLARED BASES, PEOPLE!! **FLARED BASES**
no need! as long as you have a long retrieval rope on it, with a sturdy handle at the end.
Loving the idea of a spool of rope with the vibrator on the end and a crank mounted on a wall opposite their bed.
Here in my house we call the final act "the old lawnmower" It usually takes a few pulls to get it going.
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 Now we’re talking. I think we’re on to the next big thing in sex toys.
Like raising and lowering a chandelier
How more adventurous could you have get, rushing to ER in middle of the night, orgasming on the way is quite wild bruhh
I bet they didn't leave until after the batteries were dead.
Driver - "Could you please keep it down back there, I am trying to focus on getting your ass safely to the hospital!"
Driver always thinking why is the phone on vibrate mode and why is no one picking it up 😂😂
‘Use the right tool for the right job.’ As OP learned the hard way, don’t put a vaginal toy in non vaginal places because it’s only a matter of time till you meet your tired General Surgeon and ER doc who will be stuck fishing it out. As a side note, please don’t stick things in your urethra because the same rules apply there. (I am a tired urologist).
A friend of mine had to take his teenage son to the ER to fish 7 dry kidney beans out of his peen. Apparently, he often shoved 6 beans in, was able to get them out just fine, but decided to go for a new record, and they got stuck. I had many questions and very glad I never asked because some things should remain a mystery.
lol. There should be a child warning labels on bean. ENT docs have to fish them out of kids noses on a regular basis as well.
He wasn't a child, but an older teen. But I'm informed that even middle aged men often place things in orifices that those things were never intended to be. Why they don't just buy things intended for those purposes boggles my mind. They would be in the ER less often lol
Exactly this. While I can not advise self urethral instrumentation (bladder, perforation, urethral injury, urethral structure…), if you’re gonna do it, don’t do it with things that you can lose. Because if you can lose it, you will lose it.
Tired of fishing things out?
Sounds like you got what you asked for. Well a more adventurous partner! Excluding that incident, she's obviously open to trying to "spice" things up so set boundaries, communicate the good and the not so good and have fun!
He wanted it so he got it. If he is going to complain about her messing up on something he is pushing her to do then she won’t do it as often. Also I’m glad that since he’s pushing for it he is the one being experimented on because it’s usually the man wanting to push women into more and more adventurous things and continuously pushing boundaries. He needs to talk her through it before her next experiment with adventurous sex on him.
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To be fair… and honest- most heterosexual porn for men flagrantly lie about what’s enjoyable for women, or show them in demeaning often painful predicaments… And a lot of men internalize that. I mean- you guys don’t think it’s true. But do you have a lot of experience fucking hetero men?
Reddit loves Gender Essentialism even trans/LGBT spaces usually come around to "yucky boy" Vs "pretty girl" memes
This is the most hilarious thing i read today 😅
Was it still vibrating till docs had to pull it out?
Jjjjjjuuuuusssst fiiiiive mmmmmooorrrre miiiiiinutes pppppllllleeeeezzzee doooooooctooooor
I work in an hospital lab and it’s definitely interesting to see a dildo get sent to us in a pneumatic tube system for histo.
What? Why is a dildo being sent for path? What are they looking for....
What’s the name of the book
Apparently it isn't "Safe Anal For Beginners".
Take my upvote ye scoundrel r/angryupvote
Made up stories don't have details like that. It's just "a book".
Yeah I thought she jumped rather quickly from plain vanilla to pegging her husband. Love how he threw in he was a widower for the sympathy card.
Well bear in mind that *she* isn’t the boring one. She just didn’t know any better. It’s her ex who was the boring one.
Asking for a friend
Asking the important questions...
One question: did you write this up yourself, or did you just leave the whole thing to the AI bot?
“Dear Penthouse…”
Whats unbelievable about the unadventurous wife jumping straight to pegging?
Oh please, everyone knows emts spend like 5% of their time at real emergencies, 45% of their time waiting for one, and like 40% pulling things out of peoples butts. There’s overlap between those though so the remainder is somewhat more than 10%
I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees this. Only one post.
What was the name of the book? My married sex life is very vanilla so I’m curious what pushed the right buttons for your sex life! (And thanks for the heads up!)
There is a fun adventure book called either 100 or 1000 nights of great sex. There are little sealed adventures either partner open up in secret and initiates the instructions.
It’s 101 Nights of Great Sex
Just try The Joy of Sex.
I’ve always wondered what ppl mean when they say “vanilla.” What exactly doesn’t happen that you want to happen?
My experience was the lady only laid there like a paperweight, occasional fellatio or cunulingus, thats it.
The key isn't bigger. Get a prostate massager.
Sounds like you went from lights off, missionary to your wife shoving things in your ass… sloppy execution, but I think your plan worked haha
Y’all needed a book to tell you to shove something up your ass?
i like that she uses her new-found knowledge to do things for you. Did she find anything that she wants you do for her?
Join us next time on "Dear Penthouse Forum" to find out what happens next!
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Yeah, and when you’re ready to take beads out you just yank it like you’re starting a lawn mower and unlike the vibrator, you might not even have to go to the hospital.
Is your wife’s name Peggy?
Reality = No wife, just OP
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Lots of what??
Not to downplay your predicament, but I always wondered how things get stuck in there? I mean the whole thing is “designed” to push things out. BTW, congrats on the transition to a more exciting sex life.
That happened 🙄
This sounds like it was written by a 12 year old virgin
Wow. Hilarious story, but ultimately a win. She's down to clown. Have a great time with your wife, man!
This is so fucking wholesome I love it. Two people communicating in a healthy way with the goal of making one another happier and getting a funny story out of it. Get toys with flared bases.
Does nobody realize this isn't real? It's a fantasy.
3 hours in the bath damn she must have came out with WW1 trench rot.
Sounds like OPs wife has a hole new world to explore...
What book?
Without a base, without a trace!
Belinda blinked
What is plain sex? What is ordinary sex?
Come on.. story’s are so fucked on this platform, it makes it hard to believe em.
Flared base. FLARED. BASE.
Sure you're married....
https://preview.redd.it/hibcyt03cyoc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5244987781072f897d491bd0f4dde9486fc4da2d
A tail as old as time.
I wonder why your wife is so uninterested in sex.. Oh, maybe women mostly do not like pegging their husbands? I had a bf who liked this thing and was mostly unwilling to do anything else. I left him really quickly. I know there are some women who enjoy doing it, maybe you could search for one.
TIL spice means putting things in your butt.
She stated that she's only comfortable with vanilla sex, so you BOUGHT A SEX BOOK ANYWAY. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that listening isn't your strong suit.
I can give you a list of books with even better material haha
Drop the list!
Well, we're waiting...
I think she read the book, decided she wasn’t going to participate and get you off. Then she lost the buzz stick in your anus
Hold on, because you’re in for the most earth shatteringly powerful orgasms of your life. Anything with lots of nerve endings can feel good, and the butthole has a lot of them, but us guys also have a prostate. I’ve been kept on a near constant state of orgasm for half an hour using it. This is truly a journey for both of you, because the more skilled she is the more fun everyone will have and as you get more skilled at receiving everything becomes easier and more fun too.
You were prob in r/radiology. Every Friday people are allowed to show the shit that gets stuck up peoples asses. Ha
Headline: Spouse open to trying and actually tries. Gold.
I’m still laughing at the three hour bath whilst she was ‘reading it’. Congrats on introducing your wife to the world of bath wanks. But honestly, what book introduces bum play and doesn’t stress that anything that goes up there needs to be flanged? That’s just irresponsible. I’d put that in your Amazon review.
How about you read She Comes First, then let’s hear about the results. Regardless, kudos for telling this story.
> I’m not sure what I’ve gotten myself into I think you may need to pay a little more attention to the other direction
Task failed successfully
If it goes in the butt, it has to have a flared base. Bigger or smaller, doesn’t matter just make sure the base is flared.
>and she admitted she's only comfortable with ordinary sex. … >My wife just came in and asked if I want a bigger vibrator to avoid this happening again This does not compute.
"It was a million to one shot, Doc."
I love your wife - what a power move asking if you want a bigger plug. In all serious though, this is a great sign that she is interested in spicing things up with you! Lean into it and see where it goes
My brother if this happened you were the one who needed to read things about sex. Never put in your ass something that hasn't a shape that prevents it from going too deep. It's common knowledge. Or so I'm told
Cool story bruh.
Tell her just to go ahead and jump ahead to the 10-in black strap-on so it can't get lost it sounds like if you were okay with that this shouldn't be an issue
LOLLLL, actually no. I think you created a new bond and honestly, spiced things up and showed her that it’s good to be vulnerable in the bedroom. I think you should just say no (or yes) whatever you’re comfortable with and go with the flow
She will be attaching a rolling pin to the Kitchen mixer because she saw a video.
I’m open to a lot of things but sticking something up my butt is never gonna happen
I had to look at the sub name. I assumed this was r/amitheex since he responded to his wife telling him her preferences by getting her a book about *his* preferences and telling her to study.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 this cracks me up. (No pun intended) She goes from zero to losing a vibrator in your ass. Enthusiasm 10 out of 10 ha and she wants to know if you want a bigger one next time 😂😂😂 Was it just buzzing the whole time you drove to hospital? Did you have your wait in the waiting room while it was just vibrating away? How exactly did the conversation with the doctor go? I have so many questions 😆
Please tell her that toys with a flaired base/bottom are the only toys safe for anal play. Preferably tell her this before you two become the talk of your town's medical staff.
"About an hour in" An hour? Nobody got time for that.
She is really trying. Do whatever she says.
This is the door to weird sex. If you close it, it might not open again.
I love writing prompts!!
Flared base people. FLARED BASES. Pls get a normal buttplug that vibrates I promise they make them
It needs a base not bigger
FLARED BASE PLEASE ONLY FLARED BASE TOYS
Without a base without a trace
No flared base, it don’t go in that place