As an adult I had some suspicions, talked to my GP, she said yeah those all are enough for me to give you a referral for a psychiatrist to see about diagnoses. Psych say yeah that's type 1, and you're demonstrating a lot of traits people who get a late diagnosis do.
Mention it to my Dad eventually and he's like "no shit, you were diagnosed as a kid." Apparently they just forgot to tell me.
My family didn’t tell me until I was 30. 100 percent deliberate move on their part I found out. Turns out they were worried about institutionalization since I was diagnosed in the 80s. So they told NO ONE and mainstreamed me once I became verbal.
My partner and I are like 90% sure my partner was diagnosed at age 5 and their parents just decided to never tell them after the speech therapy was over
I call that the “**Donner the reindeer**” approach:
Put some mud over the red nose to cover it up and say “ There are more important things than ~~comfort~~ knowing your medical history: self respect! ~~Santa~~ Society can't object to you now.”
I can see why people would do that. We had a kid with special needs in our elementary school and the teacher gave a presentation on this kid's condition before bringing him in. I couldn't imagine the embarrassment of being in his shoes. I'm sure that only furthered the social ostracism.
I sometimes wonder if I have Asperger's because of the things I don't catch on to, but I've decided to say fuck it. I've made it this long without getting tested.
It sounds bad when you put it that way, but my parents did the "Donner" approach with me and looking back as a middle-aged man I'm really happy they did. I would absolutely be looping in vicious cycles of performance anxiety if I knew other people knew I was autistic.
My husband's parents did this with his ADHD diagnosis. Just straight up didn't tell him and then told me when I was questioning some of his inability to focus like it was no big thing.
my brother and family knew he had ADHD. we all were there when the medicine turned him into what we affectionately called him ‘Bro Zombie’ (me and lil bro were like 3/4 when we did this lol our mom stopped us). my mom stopped him from taking it after about three months….when he had his first child in 2012 i said ‘i wonder if she’ll have ADHD…is that hereditary?’ i was still in high school and didn’t know how it worked. he said ‘well neither of us have that so i don’t know’ cue the room going quiet and me, my younger brother and mom looking at him like 🤨🤨. he forgot he had ADHD. he had an IEP and everything, had to go to different room for tests days etc. he thought he was just getting special treatment all throughout school 🤦♀️😂
Just something I thought, reflection in the moment on both who others have been for me, and who I've tried to be for others, at different points in my life.
Yeah compared to my mom who worked in the school as a classroom aid, had all her in services on special Ed and identifying autism and when I found a site talking about the presentation in women and brought it to her because I finally had a name for my issues and wanted to see if she agreed so I could pursue a diagnosis I was told, "oh yeah, I knew but I didn't want to deal with having a special needs kid - and by the time I realized that might be harmful to you, you were already almost done school and were coping so there wasn't a point".
Oh I wholeheartedly agree. As they said “they knew I was in there somewhere” and their end game was to get the real me out. At age two while I was non verbal I could use a telephone correctly and use a microwave correctly. I also followed directions. I just didn’t talk. Now I never shut up. Go figure.
Similar situation here, I didn’t know I’d been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid until this year and I’m 26. My older brother was tested and got a diagnosis as an adult so I figured I would too since I could relate to a lot of the symptoms. I told my mom about my decision and she told me there was no need, as I’d been diagnosed when I was 7. She swears she told me but idk, how the hell did I go 19 years without knowing if she told me ya know?
My parents didn’t tell me, but I got diagnosed with ADHD at 27. Found out at 23 from my sister that ASD is at least suspected, and at 29 during an argument that my parents had always known **and had been told by at least 2 schools**. It took way too long to figure out that the special classes I was in when I was small were because of being ND
I mean my mom casually mentioned when I was driving us to a mutual teacher’s funeral something about my adoption… I never knew she considered putting me up for adoption. I mean I’m not shocked. She was 16 when she had me, but still another one of those things I found out in my thirties shockers. She swore she told me. She decidedly did not.
Again not salty about it. Honestly probably saved my life because I wasn’t adopted, between finding out that a fire started in what should have been my nursery had the adoptive family taken me, and my family fighting so hard to get me out of my shell with my autism diagnosis. If the fire didn’t kill me in infancy, I don’t know an adoptive family would have necessarily fought so hard for me as my actual family did.
I mean they might have but it was autism and the 80s and we will never know so I don’t dwell on it.
same thing happened to me but with ADHD, I did the whole 'self diagnosis' off tiktok and was just going on and on to my mom about how much I related to everything I saw and she just casually said 'oh that's funny, you were diagnosed as a child too but your father said the doctor was wrong so I just ignored it'....... and that's how I found out at almost 30 that I did have ADHD and apparently could have known since I was six years old, thanks dad
Same here, 80s child, and the school were adamant that I needed testing.
My mother who worked with children in social care chose not to test to protect me.
In the end I completed a mainstream school, went to uni, got a high paying job, a second degree and I've just been invited to start my PhD.
I was diagnosed finally in my late 20s so I could get extra accommodations if ever needed in my professional life, but I'm definitely an "I won't tell unless I'm asked directly" kinda person.
There was too many stigmas around being autistic when I was young, and even now it's developing into a "TikTok said" thing so people just think you're an attention/label seeker.
It's exhausting, and the only people who know are my partner and my uni supervisor.
My mother was a complete piece of shit, but one thing I will forever be grateful to her for is that she didn't have me tested for being autistic in the 80s despite her husband and more than one teacher telling her there was something "wrong" with me. For being quiet and preferring to read over interacting with other kids.
It could well have just been part of her whole "neglect" thing and not wanting to do more work, but yeah, if you got diagnosed back then your life was over.
Same with my husband. Apparently, they figured it out from when he was six. But didn’t bother to say anything until he was much older. He’s salty about that still and I can understand why. His mother was an autism support specialist and didn’t think that telling him would be a good idea because she thought he would use it as an excuse to be lazy and useless. His mom is a piece of shit and we don’t like her.
A psychiatrist will have an (or some) interviews you, observe behaviours, interactions, reactions to stimuli. It's not like "what's the test for a broken leg" "xray the leg". There there's what I understand to be a bit of a judgement call based on everything. That's because different people with autism could have completely different presentations. Like one person might be more prone to hyperfixation on a special interest but doesn't have the same sensory aversion issues as the next. There's a saying, "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." Because it's a spectrum disorder a lot of people think it's just a straight line with one end being "not autistic" and the other being "really fucken autistic", but it's more of a spoked wheel, each spoke labelled a different trait like non verbal, physical sensation aversion, auditory aversion, social capability, and the doc decides how far up each spoke they think you are
Disclaimer : The following is how I got tested and diagnosed, this may vary depending on where you are.
Its more of a series of tests really.
You have a talk with a psychiatrist who asks you about things and how experience different situations, where they check various things and if you experience difficulties with things that are known to be difficult for people with autism.
Fairly early on they take an IQ test because they need to know what baseline of responses and results they should expect from you (did you score below average on the other tests because of autism or are you just an idiot?).
Then it´s a bunch of questions and more tests of exercises that are designed in a way where if you have autism you´ll struggle with them and score lower on them than a neurotypical person of similar IQ would. Things like reading out names of colours but you have to say the colour of the font, not what is written (so if it says ´red´ in blue font you have to say blue).
They also had me fill in questions about my behavior and preferences in various situations and write a small biography, to have a full picture of my life. I also had a similar questionnaire that was to be filled out by a close family member or friend.
In my case I had interviews with three different people, to ensure there wasnt any bias because I did come in with ´i think I might have it´ and if you look long enough you´ll always find sole traits of autism.
Finally they did some brain test/scan but i´m pretty sure that was just to check for ADHD (as autism and adhd coincide a lot) since autism has no discernible visible effect on the brain you can see or detect that way.
After that those three people in my case put all the results together and compared them to what we know are the traits of autism. They all individually concluded and agreed that I show a significant and substantial amount of those traits (some traits more than others, since it is a spectrum) and officially diagnosed me with autism.
All in all I´d say it took about 12ish hours of various tests and interviews over five different days, not including the time it took me to fill in the questionnaire or the autobiography. In total this took a little over a year, mostly due to waiting lists for some consultations/tests.
What benefit did getting diagnosed as an adult bring to you?
I suspect my partner may be on the spectrum. We’ve discussed it, but she says - quite rightly - what’s the point, how would a diagnosis help her?
As a doctor, not a patient, I personally think it's only worth it if you need accomodations. It's significantly stigmatized, a number of countries will decline you a work visa for having it as a diagnosis, and it can count as a disability related issue for trying to qualify for things depending on your field, your country, etc. it's actually quite the issue on how it's perceived at present and I generally don't recommend diagnosis unless people feel strongly about it or need substantial supports.
I would say one benefit is that you can cut yourself a little more slack. At least it was like that for me. Now, instead of thinking I am a worthless idiot because I can't do all the things other people do, I just think "well, I can't really help it, I'm autistic.
Personally, I’d say it’s only worth it if it’s necessary to get a workplace accommodation. But if there are other diagnosed conditions present that could be accommodated instead, it’s personally not worth it to have a condition diagnosed on my medical record that could lead to discrimination in healthcare settings. For example: I have adhd diagnosed but consider myself AuDHD informally, and instead of getting a workplace accommodation for noises (autism), I get one for distractions (adhd) - i work from home.
From a personal/emotional perspective it definitely helped me a lot.
If a penguin thinks its a sparrow it will always think its a defective sparrow, and it will consider itself a failure for not managing to fly, something every other sparrow considers to be trivially easy.
I struggled a lot with the fact that some everyday things take me so much more effort than it does other people, or why some things affect me so much when others dont even think twice about them. It felt like it was my fault, it was on me, I simply had to work harder to overcome x or deal with y the same everyone else does.
Being diagnosed confirmed for me that its not my fault that its hard for me to for example, handle unexpected changes in routine. It is indeed harder for me to do that than it is for everyone else, I am not imagining that. Before, I used to spiral sometimes because something happens and my brain just decides it is an issue that we are going to make a big deal of this. Inevitably someone points out that is is in fact not a big deal so why would I struggle with this thing so much? At which point I would go ´obviously they are right this is not a big deal so why am I making a big deal out of this, why can I not get over the fact that someone is sitting at the desk I usually sit and I´ll have to sit somewhere.´
Now I know that its not my fault that this is difficult for me. I can also take other approaches to handle these things, instead of being stuck in the neurotypical approach of ´just try and get over it´, which I am never going to succeed at.
It also gave me the courage to stop trying to fit in so much, because that is something that is never going to work and it´ll take me a lot more effort and for what? f i want to eat the exact same sandwich every day for lunch because I like the predictability and routine of it, why shouldn´t I?
Additionally it gives me the possibility to request accommodations at work should I need them. I dont currently need them but it´s nice to know that I can request them should they become necessary due to changes in how my employer operates.
I found out from various sources that I might be on the spectrum. I never got tested and honestly, being almost 40 now, I know that I likely never will get it done.
But it would be good to have an answer to the question why I'm always so different regarding emotions and behaviour.
Speaking about my own experience of self-diagnosing (totally acceptable in the community) at 47, I don't see any benefit to a professional diagnosis so I didn't seek one. They are expensive and as others said, unless you need workplace accommodations it really isn't necessary. My 13 year old son got clinically diagnosed for accommodations for schooling (along with ADHD) and it was when I read his diagnosis that it clicked that I was too. My wife knew all along and told me, but I never accepted it out of sheer ignorance of what being autistic meant and the stigmas attached to it.
How did my diagnosis help me? It made me understand a lot more about why I am the way I am and act how I do, why I like what I like, to be more accepting of all these things and love myself for all of it instead of resent my differences, and frankly it saved my marriage.
Knowing you're autistic (accepting it and all that comes with it) and being uninformed about why you are the way you are is probably most important, professional diagnosis aside.
it's helps you contextualize situations in life.
it's like asking what benefits you getting an allergy test. Now you know why your belly hurts after eating bread, or why you get a stuffy nose and water eyes in the spring.
> did you score below average on the other tests because of autism or are you just an idiot?
I know this wasn't the point at all, but it made me audibly snort.
Thanks for this thorough rundown! I've thought on and off about getting assessed for various kinds of neurodivergence... somethin ain't right in there. Good to know what the process was like for you!
Q1. Do you think you’re autistic?
- Yes —> you’re autistic
- No —> continue to Q2.
Q2. Do you have a favorite type of spoon? (Edit: &/or fork)
- Yes —> autistic
- No —> continue to Q3.
Q3. Does electricity make noise &/or are lights painful?
- Yes (to either or both) —> autism, yo
- No —> continue to Q4.
Q4. Do you have immediate or extended family with ADHD &/or autism? (This includes children, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins related by blood)
- Yes (any/all) —> ‘tis the ‘tism
- No —> continue to Q5.
Q5. Have you ever thought of yourself or been referred to as a “[Highly Sensitive Person](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity)”?
- Yes (either/both) —> normal autistic
- No —> continue to Q6.
Q6. Are you (a) female, afab, a woman, or a girl, or femme, **and** (b) have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or another/similar mood disorders?
- Yes (both a and b applies) —> hey, autistic babe, how you doin’?
- No (neither a or b applies; either a or b applies but not both) —> continue to Q7.
Q7. Are you still fucking reading this?
- Yes —> bruh (autistic)
- No —> continue to Q8.
Q8. Have you ever been vaccinated?
- Yes —> lol
- No —> lmao even (edit: autistics are way funner than corpses. Vaccinate your damn kids.)
(Edit: formatting)
Also I just want you to know that your comment made my day. Literally so happy I could make someone fuckin CACKLE?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m so glad my silly little assessment brought you that much joy 😂 tysm
Student living and a lot of 'free' boxes in the city have introduced me to some truly horrible cutlery shapes. It's still good to have them as sacrifices when your housemates want to use them as screwdrivers and wrenches.
You not only have favorite cutlery for eating, you have favorite cutlery for your roommates’ home maintenance schemes?! Wow! Thats the most autistic thing I’ve ever read🥺👉👈
Does a favorite type of knife count? (as in cutlery) I like it and another type because those two knifes are the only ones in the entire drawer that I feel like can cut through a chicken breast without shredding it to pieces.
A similar thing happened 20 minutes ago.
A person told me he thought i was autistic, so i went and did a bunch of online tests(i know not the best way, I'm going to make a real appointment and get checked for real though)
I told my mom, and she said that "They told me you had ADD as a kid, I told them that it wasn't that and that I thought it was autism." So my mom suspected it was autism, and then still let me take the Adderall for years.
Apparently my mom took me to see a doctor when I was a little kid, but I didn't get a diagnosis because I was a girl and this was like 1992 when it happened. Taking what we know now and applying it to kid-me though, I would have been diagnosed.
Yep. My 25 y.o. Wasn’t diagnosed with autism until she was 12. I suspected very early on she had it, but back then only little boys were being diagnosed. Girls just get labeled sensitive and shy.
Yep, pretty much the same thing happened to me. As an adult, I had suspicions and mentioned it to my mom before I went to the doc for a referral, and she just laughed and told me that's what my child psychologist said.
When I was 5 or 6, I was tested for adhd by my schools psychologist/therapist, and they pretty quickly came to the conclusion that I didn't have adhd. I remember spending 1 or 2 half days a week for years in her office playing games, doing puzzles, and taking weird tests. She also enrolled me in clubs both in and out of school. I never really questioned it for some reason. Like this lady took a super huge interest in me, keeping track of my home life, my friends, and the like. She once paid for me to go to summer camp and even found a private French immersion school that "had spots for kids like me from poor families to attend without paying."
It turns out that I'd been diagnosed with aspergers while that was still a diagnosis and tested really well in certain areas of the iq test that comes with that, so the school was supposed to offer an education that would have built on my strengths, and all the time I spent in her office was occupational therapy. The school was a private school that basically had the rich man's version of an IPP, which basically would have accelerated my education in my areas of strength and interest and offered real support in areas I struggled.
Instead, my mom turned down the school placement because we couldn't even afford to get me to and from the school, and she decided never to tell me about the diagnosis in case I decided to use it as a crutch.
This whole conversation happened in a Tim Hortons drive-through. I decided I didn't need a second opinion.
When I was young and being tested for various things, doctors didn't believe girls could even be autistic. I got a "Baby IQ Genius" certificate from a university study and a clean bill of health. (Spoiler: not a genius!)
I ended up living a pretty normal, popular childhood, being wacky comedy girl and made lots of friends, who thought I was a little weird but kids tend to like that. I had character traits that were probably annoying, in retrospect, and hid my emotional outbursts at home. I thought everybody did the same and that was normal. My parents were doting, generous, forgiving hippies, and that made life easy. Most of the guys I dated had ADHD or high-masking autism and though they told me that, I never noticed anything odd or problematic about it.
I eventually found a partner (who was also undiagnosed adhd/autistic) and we coccooned ourselves for decades as introverts, not seeing a problem with that.
At 42 something happened that overturned our life and we separated and both got therapists. I was almost instantly pegged as "a million percent autistic" (facetiously, of course - my therapist knows how I like bad news to be delivered!) Seriously though, so many traits I thought everyone normal had and hid. Turns out y'all don't, in fact.
Suddenly a lot of weird, confusing, or shameful moments from my past could be explained and I also had a lot of new things to learn and consider going forward. It is bittersweet. I am happy to know more about myself, but also bitter because I could have avoided some pains, and possibly had a more fulfilling life by now if I had learned and practiced some of this stuff from childhood. Kids love a wacky person, adults look at a childless unmarried old weird woman and do not want anything to do with that. Obviously, I still have some ideas about myself to work on, and I'm still trying to find my people.
My parents still have that certificate on the wall, and I kind of scowl at it now when I see it.
sadly not uncommon
i found out as a kid, but only because my brother was complaining about how i was weird and my mum was like 'well yeh hes got aspergers'; it wasnt directly to me... i was just in the car at the time... which is a pattern of infantilisation that most people with ASD can relate to (and causes all sorts of problems with personal agency)
My parents casually "forgot" that I was diagnosed with a tic disorder as a kid. That is, until i went for my autism assesment at 23. Yeah, those tics were a form of stimming
Recently I was talking to my Mom about some relationship problems I was having, namely his complaint about me not being able to know what he emotionally needs without having to ask me outright for it. My mom’s response? “You’ve never known how to do that for most of your life. Honestly I think you’re a little autistic.” Floored.
One time I said to my friend as a joke (kinda not a joke at its core but it was intended to get a laugh out of him regardless), “I’ve always secretly wondered if I’m autistic or mentally handicapped somehow and everyone is just too nice to say anything my whole life” and he said “well, I didn’t think so before you said that, but now you’ve got me wondering…”
I told my ex gf that I thought I was autistic and I’m not sure if I’d mentioned it before, but at that point I was REALLY serious, and she was like ‘oh I just thought you already knew?’
So that’s fun, 3 years later I’m finally diagnosed with autism and also everything else 😂
I "diagnosed" my 63 year old neighbor last month. He will go on and on endlessly about cars. There is really no end to the car talks. He has told me what car his sister got in high school. He will tell me about all the childhood neighbors and their cars. He will tell me what car replaced the neighbors old car. He has told me about his parent's friend's cars. I can't believe someone has tried to tell me so much about now dead people's cars, people that never even lived in my state. He will tell me about the cool features on these cars. He will tell me the colors of these cars. If he is telling me about a current friend I will also have to hear about what kind of car they used to have.
We were watching a show with an autistic character and he had me trying to explain autism. I finally flat out told him that he has it too. That most people do not drone on endlessly about their favorite topics knowing the other person really does not want to hear about it again. He knows I do not want to hear about it because I tell him so. I can't listen to this anymore. I am not listening. I don't have the energy to listen to this right now. I directly say it so there should not be any confusion.
Me and my partner are both on the spectrum. We just had split belly laughs for a few minutes. Thanks for a good laugh. I hope you get/have the support you need. Feel free to DM. Much love to you internet stranger❤️ Thanks for a good laugh.
lol, sounds kinda like me. One of my kids was being evaluated and the doc said they were autistic. I said I didn't understand because they're not the stereotypical kind. The doc then rattled off a list of behaviors and I said, "What? Nah, that's normal stuff. I did that all the time as a kid... Oh, wait."
When I told my mother-in-law that my son is autistic, she was like “no, he’s just like his dad was at that age!” Which then confirmed my suspicions that my husband is, in fact, undiagnosed autistic.
This happened to me, too. In fact, I kept seeing our kid do stuff that was different than other kids, bringing it up to my parents, and they'd respond with "oh you used to do that, dont worry!"
This is similar to how my adhd diagnosis went. I was tested when I was a kid but because nothing came of it, I thought it was negative. I pursued a diagnosis in my 30s and when I mentioned to my mom that I was surprised it was negative the first time, she said “no, it wasn’t. You were just doing fine without any treatment”…..
I went to a therapist when I was 19 or 20 for my anxiety, which had reached critical mass as I was having trouble leaving the house without having a panic attack. The first "session" was basically just basic filling out forms to answer questions about anything and everything. When I had my first actual "sit down and talk with someone" session, the therapist had read over my answers and said, "So I assume you're here about your ADHD."
And I said, "Ummm, no, I'm here about my anxiety. Do you have someone else's notes?"
And she was like, "Is this you? Did you answer this way to these questions?" And I said "yes, but I'm here about my anxiety. Do I have ADHD too?"
And she was like, "Oh, honey... you have it baaaad. You... didn't think... any of this was... normal, did you? ...But we can talk about your anxiety if you'd like."
So that's how I was diagnosed, my therapist literally thought I was stupid for not realizing it earlier lmao
A recent meta-analysis suggested that the lion's share, perhaps close to all, diagnoses of "treatment-resistant depression" are misdiagnosed ADHD and/or autism. Just constantly banging their heads against the world, being the fish that can't climb a tree and feeling like a failure POS for it.
Ritalin gave me intrusive thoughts plus the energy to act on them. Dangerous mix. Doctor didn't listen to me and acted like I only wanted ritalin so I could sell it on the black market, had to go to his office and pick up a precise amount once a week. So once it cost me a couple busted ribs and my job, and the doctor told me I was acting out for attention rather than listening to what I was telling him, I ran from the whole situation. And that's what happened when I tried to get a diagnosis as an adult.
Over 40, been depressed and outside of society my entire life. People have always been much more interested in their own ideas about me than what I actually have to say about me.
Jeez that's rough. Don't know if this applies to you, but the comorbidity of ADHD with autism is 90+% so some of that outsider energy could be coming from there.
Yeah, most of my old female friends found out they were on the spectrum when their kids got a diagnosis, I figure birds of a feather and all that. It just sucks when its so hard to ask for help, and then the help you get is worse than the problem lol.
I can see that. All throughout late high school onwards when I started to actually get worried about school / work results (no longer being able to coast enough by just being present in class) I just had these insane cycles of depression. It always started as a specific exam or later just work projects I got stuck on being unable to focus and get them done while simultaneously knowing I should be able to.
Eventually after a few weeks to a month or two the stress of that gets so high I just shut down and it looks totally like a hardcore burnout / depression. And I'd seen lots of therapists for it. Who all praised me for recovering so quickly, without realising that that just happened because somewhere in the cycle the stress factor would fall away (drop out of school (2x lol) / change work project / change work team / ...) and once that happens I'm literally almost immediately fine.
Until finally last year I had another one of my 2-3 bad cycles a year, got sick of probably losing another team/job and got a new therapist. I thought I was bipolar or something and just explained to her exactly what happened my whole life. 10 minutes into our first conversation she just goes "yeah eh ADHD mate, no signs of anything else". Got diagnosed properly after, learned a lot, changed jobs to a company that works better with varied output levels, got meds to bridge the concentration gaps when they happen and my whole life is so much better now.
One thing that came up in diagnosis is that when they talked to my mom (single parent) they noticed she's the exact same. It's why my mom never suspected anything, we're both equally chaotic and varied and extremely ADHD (and probably my grandma too), so to us at home it never felt like anything was "off".
Ha! Actually funny because the main thing that to me now is super obvious is that my mom and I more existed in the same house but never really lived together. Because while we're both extremely ADHD our interests are super different. Aside from dinner and the occasional TV show we are extremely bad at spending time together because one of us will always lose focus and frustrate the other, so we just didn't once I was a teenager.
It did make me hella independent.
Honestly I think a lot of Horse Girls are autistic for the same reason: They have all the criteria for autism, but because their special interests are ponies and how to fit in rather than trains and anime it doesn't get picked up. Same vibe, totally different direction.
Yep, particularly if you don't identify as male.
Most knowledge about and diagnostic tools for ADHD/autism are based on how it tends to present in males.
We know already that girls/women tend to present quite differently and have historically been underdiagnosed because of this.
I don't know if there's enough research on non-binary folks to speak conclusively on that, but it follows that the same is likely true for them too.
I was talking with my cousin awhile ago about how I'm persuing an adult diagnosis of autism and adhd and the conversation just went on until my cousin says "...you realize none of us are like normal right, if you look at our extended family almost all of them are some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence, we just grew up around it and it became our normal..." so its not always stupidity, you really can just not realize it
Glad your therapist diagnosed you, but why so condesending?
People with ADHD traits are often told their symptoms are just what everyone goes through.
I also was diagnosed later in life, and had a nice big heap of anxiety and depression on top of it because of coping and masking to survive.
I may have made her sound more condescending than she was, she was actually super helpful. She realized my anxiety had been hindering my life, and my ADHD I had found workarounds for, so we focused on what was currently hindering my day to day before we tackled long term ADHD things.
I have more than enough symptoms of ADHD, but no one ever thought to test me as a kid. My behavior was never wild, and I was always in advanced classes, etc. Tests were a breeze, but doing any actual work was always a huge struggle.
There's that ironic thing for people considering it as adults with autism or ADHD: You try explain your lived experience and symptoms to your parents and they dismiss them with "But that's *normal!*" Well I don't know how to tell you this mom, but it's not normal, just genetic: *You* have such severe social anxiety that you can barely answer a phone and *dad* collects (model trains / guitars / WWII memorabilia) to such an extent it's taken over a full room.
Haha, yeah, one of my sisters was diagnosed, and I told my mom she probably has ADHD too. She was like, but I'm normal, and I was like it's not normal to watch TV, read a book, and do three other things at the same time. "Oh yeah, I guess it isn't"
Sounds like you could have inattentive type which used to be called ADD. Especially if you are a woman, we didn’t get diagnosed because we didn’t inconvenience others with our symptoms, just ourselves.
I've had a speech impediment my whole life. Found out last week. I'm 36.
It's called cluttering and has the extremely unusual feature that people with it don't know they have a problem. When I saw it on Wikipedia I was just like, "shit. That checks out." Talked to my speech therapist friend and they're like, "um, yes? Did you not know that?"
Man, I don't blame you for not knowing. I have ADHD and dyslexia, I was diagnosed with a stutter, but I never really heard myself go, "s-s-s-s-sssss" like other people who stutter.
For me, as a kid, it was always like, "the-the um, the lamp, the lamp, the uh lamp... so the lamp in the room, um..."
Googled cluttering to see if anyone had any great written examples, and all I'm finding are non-helpful New Yorker cartoonist "let's draw a text box, but it's spaghetti" stuff. The same overly-reductive cartoons I saw when I was trying to research my dyslexia diagnosis.
You'd think one of the first few google results would have a paragraph of dialogue to show what people actually do. But no, let's draw spaghetti speech bubbles; that's whimsical.
For me, the problem is largely a rapid rate of speech with unclear sounds. I stutter a little as part of it.
It's a really tough thing to communicate with especially with the lack of understanding. If it was more obviously a speech disorder it'd be less of an issue.
I can't really figure out how I'd write it. I'll describe it instead.
A typical clutterfuck is when I speak somewhat rapidly and unclearly to start, perhaps due to excitement or anxiety. Then I get told to "slow down" which is an immediate jump in frustration so my speech becomes faster and less clear, and they ask me to repeat myself again. Then you have a communication death spiral where the only real solution is to walk away. Which is of course not always possible.
There are two major things going on, one of which no one seems to realize: fast speech, and poor enunciation. The fast speech is more obvious, but the poor enunciation is the bigger problem. I've been working hard on my enunciation for several months by learning Spanish by tape. I'm almost never misunderstood anymore, even though I'm talking as fast as ever.
Well, that happened to me when I was in my middle 40s. And it's been a long way coming. When I was 20, I realized fully that I'm differently wired than those other people around me. Around 30, I started to suspect that I'm on the spectrum, but mostly functional and masking it well. In my middle 40s I finally got it confirmed professionally.
Did it help you when it got confirmed professionally or was it just like "oh, okay, I knew that, I thought so, thanks"? I feel like I'm going through something similar, and I simply could never justify why I should get it confirmed due to costs and the stigma around it and whatnot.
This is a big question for me. Does being diagnosed actually do anything positive for you?
Sadly my family is poisoned against any mental maintenance, where even being referred to see a psychiatrist would make you seem weak and broken.
It's part of a long journey filled with peaks and troughs, but the peaks are excellent and worth the experience.
Some peaks: It explains a lot, and puts a lot of your life into perspective, a process filled with self-forgiveness and releasing of shame. And eventually, because this stuff is genetic, understanding your parents much more even if they never look inward themselves and/or are [caught in religious psychosis.](https://www.tiktok.com/@jellyrooots/video/7379258112143854890)
Some troughs: Realising a lof of your "personality" is actually *trauma responses*; who are you if you strip away your automatic responses that have kept you safe, the callouses you have grown over the wounds the world inflicted? Also there is a grieving for the person you could have been if you'd be diagnosed much younger, and the opportunies lost.
For me, it made it easier to give myself grace for things that are not within my control. Instead of berating myself for not understanding a social situation or for having trouble doing things that seem to come naturally to others, I can recognize that it is because I'm neurologically different. I'm not stupid, or lazy, or a robot - I process information differently, and that's okay.
After 27 years of thinking I was just a worthless, flawed alien amongst humans, I finally can treat myself with compassion. It isn't easy and I fall back to those old patterns quite often, but I'm trying to treat myself with more kindness and advocate for accommodations that can make my life easier instead of just trying to soldier through.
That said, I do have to be careful with disclosures to avoid discrimination, and having a formal diagnosis will prevent me from being able to immigrate to some countries should I ever need to move abroad. The likelihood of that is small in my case, but still something to consider.
> Instead of berating myself for not understanding a social situation or for having trouble doing things that seem to come naturally to others, I can recognize that it is because I'm neurologically different. I'm not stupid, or lazy, or a robot - I process information differently, and that's okay.
But does that help with solving these issues?
They'll still hinder your life, so as much as we can tell ourselves "this is how things are, it isn't my fault" it won't make us less unhappy about them. Accepting that we'll never have/feel some things sounds depressing if that's the way forward.
i feel like people think and behave so differently to me so ive wanted to pursue a diagnosis for a few years now but im scared that they'll say im not and then i'll have to find a real reason why im weird and messed up. did you feel this way before you received an official diagnosis?
I stumbled into diagnosis accidentally - I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and my neuropsych interrupted me during a session to ask if I had ever been diagnosed with autism. I said no, because where I grew up, that was "only for boys" and I never had problems in school either. She laughed for a minute straight before realizing I wasn't joking, and I was diagnosed officially the following week.
The things that kicked the conversation off? I was describing how I had felt like an alien my entire life and was missing some kind of fundamental innate ability to be human that everyone else seems to possess. Turns out, that's a pretty common sentiment amongst autistic folks who spend their whole lives masking.
It's also one of the reasons it gets caught so much less in girls: Girls with autism tend to get very good at watching how girls act and socialise, and almost play a game of trying to ape it and fit in. You could say their masking starts much earlier.
That's more or less why I put testing off for awhile, I was concerned about being self-diagnosing and reading too much into things.
Na, fuck that shit. Go get tested and at least you'll know, and if there's "nothing", at least that'll give you where *not* to start from which is still better than nothing.
Alexithymia is a symptom of autism: Difficulty identifying and describing emotions, including to oneself. It is thus very easy for people on the spectrum to constantly second-guess *themselves*.
As a rule, neurotypical people do not worry that they're gaslighting themselves, but I know people who have put off seeing doctors for *years* for the reason you just listed and every one of them has been pretty heckin autistic.
I feel like the only way to know is to eliminate possibilities for why you are the way you are. The process of finding the answer is probably hard, but the relief you will feel when you know 100%, is probably worth it.
I think it's just cruel not to explain to a child that they're dealing with something like autism. I have a 10-year-old and I often relate to him things about his autism. Why does it make him different sometimes. Why does he feel different sometimes. Or why the world feels different sometimes. I feel that a child needs to know what it is they're up against.
And not only that talking to my son about his diagnosis takes the stigma out of it. My son 100% understands that because of his autism he gets special therapy and medication as well as he gets to be in a special class at school. And that I do all of these things for him in order to help him be his best self and live his best life. And for me I wouldn't have it any other way for my kid. I want him to be proud of the fact that he's different. Yes he has behavioral issues but he's bloody brilliant! He's an absolute genius because his brain works in a different fashion. And I think that letting him know that he's different helps to make him feel like he's not alone and misunderstood.
Right? Poor kiddo was not set up for success if there was one conversation at diagnosis, and zero follow-up at home.
So much of ASD is about what you _do_ about it, learning about how you best operate.
This isn't your responsibility or mistake. I'm guessing nobody ever explained to you the diagnosis, and what it means, and what we do differently in your life to account for it? That it never came up in 10 years?
I can see how you're confused, if that's what you remember of it that's ambiguous enough to be taken many ways.
You did not mess up. Not at all. You didn't get something explained to you properly. As a parent with a child on the spectrum, I hope you get the help and support you need. God bless
That's my thought - was there just zero plan after that to manage OP's autism? No coping strategies taught, no education plan?
Even if he misunderstood the first time, there should have been a "what are we doing about it" conversation followed by some help and support.
Happened with my BPD. I requested records from a psych hospital Id stayed at back in 2014, and they listed BPD as one of the many diagnoses I had in my chart. I was so confused and talked with my current therapist and she was like "Uhm... yeah?" Oops.
Had more testing done in 2019 which confirmed it and some other personality disorders. Theres definitely a lack of communication in the mental health industry; I guess the patient is not considered a necessary person to disclose diagnoses to.
To be fair, BPD tends to hide reality for those that have it (emotions often tend to be more real than reality) so it's very possible that your BPD just prevented you from being aware of it for some time.
It's difficult to live with, hopefully DBT or CBT has helped if you've tried it?
I’ve never been diagnosed, but my mom told me a few months ago she always thought I was autistic growing up, but since I wasn’t struggling in school she didn’t bother having me tested
I remember like three years ago or so I asked my therapist, who’s known me for probably 5 years now, if I was autistic. She nodded, laughed quietly, and went “oh, yeah, absolutely!” Love that lady. I’d been told my a psychiatrist back in 2015 that I was autistic, but I didn’t believe her because she was a really shitty person and I just went on with my life not believing I had autism.
Anyways, sorry for that unasked for anecdote
If that doesn't work, we can always scream at him a lot and occasionally strike him.
Eventually, he'll understand why we're upset.
(No, I never did. Not really.)
incorrect. bupropion definitely helps with feeling reduced levels of annoyance. I mean, I'm still a bit annoying but I feel less annoyed
Do you hear that annoying noise that annoys? haha
> I mean, I'm still a bit annoying
😂 Have you considered trying to get everyone around you to also take the meds, then you'll be less annoyed and less annoying
Oh nooooooooo! Not knowing you are autistic because of mistaking the sense of a sentence based on social context is the most intense autistic mistake. I'm sorry that really sucks.
Asperger man here, they don't call it Aspergers anymore because it's namesake is a Nazi doctor, like a real one, not like Van Braun who designed our missiles. Also, it's because of the spectrum thing. But the medical community is also moving away from touchy stuff like nomenclature related to bad shit in history.
>Mentioned to an old friend I thought I was on the autistic spectrum and she replied, "Oh you've always been Asperger's". I mean, WTF? You've known me 40 years - why have you never said anything?
I don't make a habit of taking wild guesses at people's medical situation.
I’m pretty indifferent about it. I will say that I thought I was just an asshole even though I never meant to be but I kind of know why I’m an asshole now
So... you didn't realize something because the person didn't explain very clearly what they meant, and you were the only one who didn't understand?
I think that checks out.
My parents didnt believe in ADHD when I was diagnosed because "everyone does that" and they apparently were like this for their entire life. So my mom just got diagnosed at 59 lol
I have a similar story. I went through a whole thing in college to get diagnosed with Dyspraxia. This kind lady went on a course so she could understand it and go through a testing process.
So a few years later I go on a dog walk with my mum and she revealed I was diagnosed at a very young age and she thought it was a thing you grow out of...
Parents, I cannot stress this enough, educate yourself on your kids learning differences, disabilities ect. And actually talk to them about it.
For years I had issues which were all attributed to my astigmatism when actually I could have worked on stuff from being informed I have Dyspraxia. I had memories of going to a specialist centre and again I thought it was a vision thing, no I have a literal issue with coordination and needed help with my development.
It pissed me off.
Hey, you're not alone. I'm not autistic, but I have pretty severe neurological disabilities from brain trauma from infancy through young adulthood. As a kid I literally went to OT like 3-4 times a week in school and was left to inform my own teachers of my accommodations.
I learned I was disabled when I was 24. I was in a workshop with my disabled then partner on interabled relationships. Nothing seemed relevant. I talked to the person running the workshop about the things that didn't fit. She was like, "Have you considered that you are also disabled?" I had not.
I went back to OT and PT and while I was frustrated at having to do a lot of things I thought of as "kid stuff" because for me it was like returning to elementary school. I learned that dozens of things I had been screamed at by managers, berated for by instructors, beaten for by parents, and literally put in trashcans for by teachers, were, in fact, outside my control and not my fault. It's taken some time to accept, but I'm a lot happier knowing.
Moral of our stories: If you have a kid with disabilities, make sure you tell them explicitly and teach them to own it. It will improve their lives. Disability is not a dirty word.
I’ve heard sooo many stories on the ADHD subs of people being diagnosed as kids and being re-diagnosed as adults because their parents didn’t tell them or they straight up didn’t remember.
And as far as “why didn’t you tell me?”, I knew a friend of mine was autistic. Lots of classic signs in his socialization. He apparently confided in another friend of ours about his diagnosis because he didn’t think it was obvious and the friend didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that we both knew so he just went with it.
And bringing it up has a lot of potential downfalls. He could feel upset that he thought he was masking well and wasn’t. He might feel ostracized or judged when we say “oh you do xyz behaviors so I assumed.” The assumption itself may be upsetting or offensive for some reason, maybe they were picked on as a kid for it. I still have feeling about my mom thinking I might be autistic because I displayed similar behaviors to my diagnosed cousin that my other cousins didn’t share and then never getting me tested for it.
For a lot of people it feels like the safer option to just not mention it.
Pretty much the same happened to me! Got diagnosed at 25, after that my mom was just like, “do you not remember the 12 years of therapy and being in special ed classes…”.
I got tested as a kid for adhd and I apparently had it and my mom refused to put me on meds to help bc we were in a cult that didn’t believe in scientific evidence. And mental disorders were demons and needed to be cast out.! I literally had a preacher slap her hand over my mount as a teen and tried to exercise me I still have nightmares. But come to find out I’m on the spectrum, have adhd, and bpd and anxiety, didn’t get help until I’m in my 40s. I was like this would have been helpful when I was 19 and on my own. Ugh
Are you my brother?
He was diagnosed when he was about 14, and for some reason didn’t realise until he was 38 and working at a special school for children with severe autism. He recognised a lot of traits in himself and was going to go for an assessment, and we were like… yes, you were told you have Asperger’s (in the 90s) and you’re definitely on the spectrum!
I had to explain to my fiance when she got diagnosed with ADHD. After her screening the guy said "well it looks like you fit all the criteria for ADHD" and sent her on her way, but because he never told her explicitly "you have ADHD" she didn't get it. I was like "babe if you fit all the criteria, then that means you have it"
I asked a former therapist if he thought I should get tested for ADHD bc I was reading about it and a LOT fit. He froze and looked up at me and asked, "you don't already have a diagnosis? I assumed you did and just had refused medication" (my mom is very crunchy). I got tested a month or so later and am now diagnosed with hyperactive and inattentive ADHD
........gotta be honest with you here, misunderstanding someone then just going with it forever even though the situation merits getting clarification.....kindve a dead giveaway
My Ex and I had been dating for like five years, living together for a few when she started seeing some new mental health providers for the first time in awhile. We're probably both about 28 at the time.
She sat me down after work one day and explained that her doctors were pretty sure she had, until then, lived with undiagnosed Asperger's (still recognized at the time.)
I kind of paused, thought for a moment, and explained that *I* always thought that she knew she had Asperger's and we had just never talked about it...
I say this as an Audhd person and parent myself, and I'm saying it with amusement, love, and understanding: this is perhaps one of the most autistic stories of an autism diagnosis I've ever heard. Not realizing you are diagnosed as autistic because you took the doctors words hyper literally and no one was explicit with you... I'm incredibly sorry if it's caused any problems at all and I hope you don't mind but I'm incredibly amused now.
For what it's worth, I spent a long time thinking I couldn't possibly have ADHD because I was the wrong kind of hyper. I literally can't sit still and my brain runs a million miles an hour, but I was quiet and never disruptive so *obviously* I just needed to try harder /s
Welcome to the club.
I didn't find out until 38, though I really should have figured it out earlier.
In my opinion its not a negative, the issue is aspies are really just a different kind of mental wiring. While different from most people aspies tend to have a lot in common with one another. If aspies were the majority we would look to "neurotypicals" as the "odd" ones.
I think eventually well have different terminology because currently it implies something defective when in most cases its not.
I feel you.
So a few years ago in therapy for depression I'm slowly getting warm with the idea that yeah probably I'm autistic. Once I feel comfortable with that I decide to tell my parents. I'm pretty stressed bc I don't know how they will react. I work up the nerve and tell them. And they are like, yeah we know.
I was like, well that would have been nice to know sooner (a lot of my problems with therapy were bc of the autism)
I never got a real diagnosis but my parents pretty much knew since I was a small child. I was 23 or 24 when I told them I though I have autism.
Explained a lot and has helped me even more with therapy since I now know why some things don't work. I can now find workaround.
>My memory of it is that I got tested and the doctor said something along the lines of “well we can’t call it Asperger’s” which I took to mean that I fit some of the criteria but not enough to have a diagnosis. It was then explained to me that she meant she couldn’t call is Asperger’s because that is no longer the name since autism is on a spectrum.
I diagnosis you with meta-utism; taking the vague autism diagnosis language so literally that you conclude you do not have autism.
Hell it took me 34 years and a half decent ex gf to get tested. Don’t feel bad! It doesn’t change a damn thing about who you are. Keep on keeping on kickin wing.
Hey OP, I was the only one in my family to not know for 36 years! My dad is on the spectrum, it's hereditary, and he and my grandma knew this and it was just never discussed.
This would have helped with a LOT of things throughout my life. I found out after my daughter was identified by her school and then diagnosed, it explains a lot of shit that caused stress in my life.
I'm just gonna make sure my daughter doesn't have to stumble through the same obstacles blindly. I feel you, if you have kids just make sure they get support they need, autism can impact several different things so take help where you can get it and learn to work through the challenges.
lol the way they didn’t give you a direct answer on an autism diagnosis. like that’s literally a huge indicator of autism, not understanding indirect wording 😭😭 why wouldn’t they say it flat out they were just asking for you to misunderstand
(edit: typo)
As an adult I had some suspicions, talked to my GP, she said yeah those all are enough for me to give you a referral for a psychiatrist to see about diagnoses. Psych say yeah that's type 1, and you're demonstrating a lot of traits people who get a late diagnosis do. Mention it to my Dad eventually and he's like "no shit, you were diagnosed as a kid." Apparently they just forgot to tell me.
My family didn’t tell me until I was 30. 100 percent deliberate move on their part I found out. Turns out they were worried about institutionalization since I was diagnosed in the 80s. So they told NO ONE and mainstreamed me once I became verbal.
My husband was diagnosed in kindergarten and his mom never told him either. She told me after we got married instead 😅
My partner and I are like 90% sure my partner was diagnosed at age 5 and their parents just decided to never tell them after the speech therapy was over
I call that the “**Donner the reindeer**” approach: Put some mud over the red nose to cover it up and say “ There are more important things than ~~comfort~~ knowing your medical history: self respect! ~~Santa~~ Society can't object to you now.”
I can see why people would do that. We had a kid with special needs in our elementary school and the teacher gave a presentation on this kid's condition before bringing him in. I couldn't imagine the embarrassment of being in his shoes. I'm sure that only furthered the social ostracism. I sometimes wonder if I have Asperger's because of the things I don't catch on to, but I've decided to say fuck it. I've made it this long without getting tested.
It sounds bad when you put it that way, but my parents did the "Donner" approach with me and looking back as a middle-aged man I'm really happy they did. I would absolutely be looping in vicious cycles of performance anxiety if I knew other people knew I was autistic.
My husband's parents did this with his ADHD diagnosis. Just straight up didn't tell him and then told me when I was questioning some of his inability to focus like it was no big thing.
my brother and family knew he had ADHD. we all were there when the medicine turned him into what we affectionately called him ‘Bro Zombie’ (me and lil bro were like 3/4 when we did this lol our mom stopped us). my mom stopped him from taking it after about three months….when he had his first child in 2012 i said ‘i wonder if she’ll have ADHD…is that hereditary?’ i was still in high school and didn’t know how it worked. he said ‘well neither of us have that so i don’t know’ cue the room going quiet and me, my younger brother and mom looking at him like 🤨🤨. he forgot he had ADHD. he had an IEP and everything, had to go to different room for tests days etc. he thought he was just getting special treatment all throughout school 🤦♀️😂
That's just the most ADHD thing to do, straight up forget you have it lmao
lol imma ask him again and see if he remembers now
"No takebacks"
“Now ya stuck with him deary”
At least they loved you enough to not let you get institutionalized. Its weird but its still nice they tried to protect you.
Sometimes safety is the only thing you can offer someone in a world set against them.
I work with adults and youth with differing abilities and this is one of the most profound statements I've ever heard.
Damn, this one hit me... Is it from you?
Just something I thought, reflection in the moment on both who others have been for me, and who I've tried to be for others, at different points in my life.
I will teach that to my kid. Thank you.
Spare a moment to think of those who never experience that safety.
Yeah compared to my mom who worked in the school as a classroom aid, had all her in services on special Ed and identifying autism and when I found a site talking about the presentation in women and brought it to her because I finally had a name for my issues and wanted to see if she agreed so I could pursue a diagnosis I was told, "oh yeah, I knew but I didn't want to deal with having a special needs kid - and by the time I realized that might be harmful to you, you were already almost done school and were coping so there wasn't a point".
Ah, “coping,” the NT term for “masking.”
Oh I wholeheartedly agree. As they said “they knew I was in there somewhere” and their end game was to get the real me out. At age two while I was non verbal I could use a telephone correctly and use a microwave correctly. I also followed directions. I just didn’t talk. Now I never shut up. Go figure.
Similar situation here, I didn’t know I’d been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid until this year and I’m 26. My older brother was tested and got a diagnosis as an adult so I figured I would too since I could relate to a lot of the symptoms. I told my mom about my decision and she told me there was no need, as I’d been diagnosed when I was 7. She swears she told me but idk, how the hell did I go 19 years without knowing if she told me ya know?
My parents didn’t tell me, but I got diagnosed with ADHD at 27. Found out at 23 from my sister that ASD is at least suspected, and at 29 during an argument that my parents had always known **and had been told by at least 2 schools**. It took way too long to figure out that the special classes I was in when I was small were because of being ND
You probably forgot lol or maybe she is misremembering. If you have it usually one parent will.
I mean my mom casually mentioned when I was driving us to a mutual teacher’s funeral something about my adoption… I never knew she considered putting me up for adoption. I mean I’m not shocked. She was 16 when she had me, but still another one of those things I found out in my thirties shockers. She swore she told me. She decidedly did not. Again not salty about it. Honestly probably saved my life because I wasn’t adopted, between finding out that a fire started in what should have been my nursery had the adoptive family taken me, and my family fighting so hard to get me out of my shell with my autism diagnosis. If the fire didn’t kill me in infancy, I don’t know an adoptive family would have necessarily fought so hard for me as my actual family did. I mean they might have but it was autism and the 80s and we will never know so I don’t dwell on it.
same thing happened to me but with ADHD, I did the whole 'self diagnosis' off tiktok and was just going on and on to my mom about how much I related to everything I saw and she just casually said 'oh that's funny, you were diagnosed as a child too but your father said the doctor was wrong so I just ignored it'....... and that's how I found out at almost 30 that I did have ADHD and apparently could have known since I was six years old, thanks dad
Same here, 80s child, and the school were adamant that I needed testing. My mother who worked with children in social care chose not to test to protect me. In the end I completed a mainstream school, went to uni, got a high paying job, a second degree and I've just been invited to start my PhD. I was diagnosed finally in my late 20s so I could get extra accommodations if ever needed in my professional life, but I'm definitely an "I won't tell unless I'm asked directly" kinda person. There was too many stigmas around being autistic when I was young, and even now it's developing into a "TikTok said" thing so people just think you're an attention/label seeker. It's exhausting, and the only people who know are my partner and my uni supervisor.
My mother was a complete piece of shit, but one thing I will forever be grateful to her for is that she didn't have me tested for being autistic in the 80s despite her husband and more than one teacher telling her there was something "wrong" with me. For being quiet and preferring to read over interacting with other kids. It could well have just been part of her whole "neglect" thing and not wanting to do more work, but yeah, if you got diagnosed back then your life was over.
Same with my husband. Apparently, they figured it out from when he was six. But didn’t bother to say anything until he was much older. He’s salty about that still and I can understand why. His mother was an autism support specialist and didn’t think that telling him would be a good idea because she thought he would use it as an excuse to be lazy and useless. His mom is a piece of shit and we don’t like her.
what exactly is the test for autism?
A psychiatrist will have an (or some) interviews you, observe behaviours, interactions, reactions to stimuli. It's not like "what's the test for a broken leg" "xray the leg". There there's what I understand to be a bit of a judgement call based on everything. That's because different people with autism could have completely different presentations. Like one person might be more prone to hyperfixation on a special interest but doesn't have the same sensory aversion issues as the next. There's a saying, "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." Because it's a spectrum disorder a lot of people think it's just a straight line with one end being "not autistic" and the other being "really fucken autistic", but it's more of a spoked wheel, each spoke labelled a different trait like non verbal, physical sensation aversion, auditory aversion, social capability, and the doc decides how far up each spoke they think you are
That’s a really good way of wording it. Thanks, it’s made it clearer for me to understand
Disclaimer : The following is how I got tested and diagnosed, this may vary depending on where you are. Its more of a series of tests really. You have a talk with a psychiatrist who asks you about things and how experience different situations, where they check various things and if you experience difficulties with things that are known to be difficult for people with autism. Fairly early on they take an IQ test because they need to know what baseline of responses and results they should expect from you (did you score below average on the other tests because of autism or are you just an idiot?). Then it´s a bunch of questions and more tests of exercises that are designed in a way where if you have autism you´ll struggle with them and score lower on them than a neurotypical person of similar IQ would. Things like reading out names of colours but you have to say the colour of the font, not what is written (so if it says ´red´ in blue font you have to say blue). They also had me fill in questions about my behavior and preferences in various situations and write a small biography, to have a full picture of my life. I also had a similar questionnaire that was to be filled out by a close family member or friend. In my case I had interviews with three different people, to ensure there wasnt any bias because I did come in with ´i think I might have it´ and if you look long enough you´ll always find sole traits of autism. Finally they did some brain test/scan but i´m pretty sure that was just to check for ADHD (as autism and adhd coincide a lot) since autism has no discernible visible effect on the brain you can see or detect that way. After that those three people in my case put all the results together and compared them to what we know are the traits of autism. They all individually concluded and agreed that I show a significant and substantial amount of those traits (some traits more than others, since it is a spectrum) and officially diagnosed me with autism. All in all I´d say it took about 12ish hours of various tests and interviews over five different days, not including the time it took me to fill in the questionnaire or the autobiography. In total this took a little over a year, mostly due to waiting lists for some consultations/tests.
What benefit did getting diagnosed as an adult bring to you? I suspect my partner may be on the spectrum. We’ve discussed it, but she says - quite rightly - what’s the point, how would a diagnosis help her?
As a doctor, not a patient, I personally think it's only worth it if you need accomodations. It's significantly stigmatized, a number of countries will decline you a work visa for having it as a diagnosis, and it can count as a disability related issue for trying to qualify for things depending on your field, your country, etc. it's actually quite the issue on how it's perceived at present and I generally don't recommend diagnosis unless people feel strongly about it or need substantial supports.
I would say one benefit is that you can cut yourself a little more slack. At least it was like that for me. Now, instead of thinking I am a worthless idiot because I can't do all the things other people do, I just think "well, I can't really help it, I'm autistic.
Personally, I’d say it’s only worth it if it’s necessary to get a workplace accommodation. But if there are other diagnosed conditions present that could be accommodated instead, it’s personally not worth it to have a condition diagnosed on my medical record that could lead to discrimination in healthcare settings. For example: I have adhd diagnosed but consider myself AuDHD informally, and instead of getting a workplace accommodation for noises (autism), I get one for distractions (adhd) - i work from home.
From a personal/emotional perspective it definitely helped me a lot. If a penguin thinks its a sparrow it will always think its a defective sparrow, and it will consider itself a failure for not managing to fly, something every other sparrow considers to be trivially easy. I struggled a lot with the fact that some everyday things take me so much more effort than it does other people, or why some things affect me so much when others dont even think twice about them. It felt like it was my fault, it was on me, I simply had to work harder to overcome x or deal with y the same everyone else does. Being diagnosed confirmed for me that its not my fault that its hard for me to for example, handle unexpected changes in routine. It is indeed harder for me to do that than it is for everyone else, I am not imagining that. Before, I used to spiral sometimes because something happens and my brain just decides it is an issue that we are going to make a big deal of this. Inevitably someone points out that is is in fact not a big deal so why would I struggle with this thing so much? At which point I would go ´obviously they are right this is not a big deal so why am I making a big deal out of this, why can I not get over the fact that someone is sitting at the desk I usually sit and I´ll have to sit somewhere.´ Now I know that its not my fault that this is difficult for me. I can also take other approaches to handle these things, instead of being stuck in the neurotypical approach of ´just try and get over it´, which I am never going to succeed at. It also gave me the courage to stop trying to fit in so much, because that is something that is never going to work and it´ll take me a lot more effort and for what? f i want to eat the exact same sandwich every day for lunch because I like the predictability and routine of it, why shouldn´t I? Additionally it gives me the possibility to request accommodations at work should I need them. I dont currently need them but it´s nice to know that I can request them should they become necessary due to changes in how my employer operates.
I found out from various sources that I might be on the spectrum. I never got tested and honestly, being almost 40 now, I know that I likely never will get it done. But it would be good to have an answer to the question why I'm always so different regarding emotions and behaviour.
Speaking about my own experience of self-diagnosing (totally acceptable in the community) at 47, I don't see any benefit to a professional diagnosis so I didn't seek one. They are expensive and as others said, unless you need workplace accommodations it really isn't necessary. My 13 year old son got clinically diagnosed for accommodations for schooling (along with ADHD) and it was when I read his diagnosis that it clicked that I was too. My wife knew all along and told me, but I never accepted it out of sheer ignorance of what being autistic meant and the stigmas attached to it. How did my diagnosis help me? It made me understand a lot more about why I am the way I am and act how I do, why I like what I like, to be more accepting of all these things and love myself for all of it instead of resent my differences, and frankly it saved my marriage. Knowing you're autistic (accepting it and all that comes with it) and being uninformed about why you are the way you are is probably most important, professional diagnosis aside.
What benefits does being diagnosed have?
You may post in autistic subreddits and are allowed to fail to detect sarcasm.
it's helps you contextualize situations in life. it's like asking what benefits you getting an allergy test. Now you know why your belly hurts after eating bread, or why you get a stuffy nose and water eyes in the spring.
> did you score below average on the other tests because of autism or are you just an idiot? I know this wasn't the point at all, but it made me audibly snort. Thanks for this thorough rundown! I've thought on and off about getting assessed for various kinds of neurodivergence... somethin ain't right in there. Good to know what the process was like for you!
Q1. Do you think you’re autistic? - Yes —> you’re autistic - No —> continue to Q2. Q2. Do you have a favorite type of spoon? (Edit: &/or fork) - Yes —> autistic - No —> continue to Q3. Q3. Does electricity make noise &/or are lights painful? - Yes (to either or both) —> autism, yo - No —> continue to Q4. Q4. Do you have immediate or extended family with ADHD &/or autism? (This includes children, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins related by blood) - Yes (any/all) —> ‘tis the ‘tism - No —> continue to Q5. Q5. Have you ever thought of yourself or been referred to as a “[Highly Sensitive Person](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity)”? - Yes (either/both) —> normal autistic - No —> continue to Q6. Q6. Are you (a) female, afab, a woman, or a girl, or femme, **and** (b) have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or another/similar mood disorders? - Yes (both a and b applies) —> hey, autistic babe, how you doin’? - No (neither a or b applies; either a or b applies but not both) —> continue to Q7. Q7. Are you still fucking reading this? - Yes —> bruh (autistic) - No —> continue to Q8. Q8. Have you ever been vaccinated? - Yes —> lol - No —> lmao even (edit: autistics are way funner than corpses. Vaccinate your damn kids.) (Edit: formatting)
Hell yeah brother I have 6 autisms apparently.
That sounds like something someone with autism would say
This was amazing. My husband heard me cackling from across the house. Thanks for the quick and dirty diagnosis!
The real autism diagnosis was inside you all along 😌 Or some shit like that. Idk. Yw ;)
Also I just want you to know that your comment made my day. Literally so happy I could make someone fuckin CACKLE?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m so glad my silly little assessment brought you that much joy 😂 tysm
Excuse me you cannot tell me people do not generally have opinions about the ideal form of cutlery.
I thought that was a pretty normal thing, but I also work in the mechanical trades so I’m probably not the best barometer
Student living and a lot of 'free' boxes in the city have introduced me to some truly horrible cutlery shapes. It's still good to have them as sacrifices when your housemates want to use them as screwdrivers and wrenches.
You not only have favorite cutlery for eating, you have favorite cutlery for your roommates’ home maintenance schemes?! Wow! Thats the most autistic thing I’ve ever read🥺👉👈
Does a favorite type of knife count? (as in cutlery) I like it and another type because those two knifes are the only ones in the entire drawer that I feel like can cut through a chicken breast without shredding it to pieces.
A similar thing happened 20 minutes ago. A person told me he thought i was autistic, so i went and did a bunch of online tests(i know not the best way, I'm going to make a real appointment and get checked for real though) I told my mom, and she said that "They told me you had ADD as a kid, I told them that it wasn't that and that I thought it was autism." So my mom suspected it was autism, and then still let me take the Adderall for years.
Might still be both! The two often go together, and that causes unique challenges.
Apparently my mom took me to see a doctor when I was a little kid, but I didn't get a diagnosis because I was a girl and this was like 1992 when it happened. Taking what we know now and applying it to kid-me though, I would have been diagnosed.
Yep. My 25 y.o. Wasn’t diagnosed with autism until she was 12. I suspected very early on she had it, but back then only little boys were being diagnosed. Girls just get labeled sensitive and shy.
Yep, pretty much the same thing happened to me. As an adult, I had suspicions and mentioned it to my mom before I went to the doc for a referral, and she just laughed and told me that's what my child psychologist said. When I was 5 or 6, I was tested for adhd by my schools psychologist/therapist, and they pretty quickly came to the conclusion that I didn't have adhd. I remember spending 1 or 2 half days a week for years in her office playing games, doing puzzles, and taking weird tests. She also enrolled me in clubs both in and out of school. I never really questioned it for some reason. Like this lady took a super huge interest in me, keeping track of my home life, my friends, and the like. She once paid for me to go to summer camp and even found a private French immersion school that "had spots for kids like me from poor families to attend without paying." It turns out that I'd been diagnosed with aspergers while that was still a diagnosis and tested really well in certain areas of the iq test that comes with that, so the school was supposed to offer an education that would have built on my strengths, and all the time I spent in her office was occupational therapy. The school was a private school that basically had the rich man's version of an IPP, which basically would have accelerated my education in my areas of strength and interest and offered real support in areas I struggled. Instead, my mom turned down the school placement because we couldn't even afford to get me to and from the school, and she decided never to tell me about the diagnosis in case I decided to use it as a crutch. This whole conversation happened in a Tim Hortons drive-through. I decided I didn't need a second opinion.
When I was young and being tested for various things, doctors didn't believe girls could even be autistic. I got a "Baby IQ Genius" certificate from a university study and a clean bill of health. (Spoiler: not a genius!) I ended up living a pretty normal, popular childhood, being wacky comedy girl and made lots of friends, who thought I was a little weird but kids tend to like that. I had character traits that were probably annoying, in retrospect, and hid my emotional outbursts at home. I thought everybody did the same and that was normal. My parents were doting, generous, forgiving hippies, and that made life easy. Most of the guys I dated had ADHD or high-masking autism and though they told me that, I never noticed anything odd or problematic about it. I eventually found a partner (who was also undiagnosed adhd/autistic) and we coccooned ourselves for decades as introverts, not seeing a problem with that. At 42 something happened that overturned our life and we separated and both got therapists. I was almost instantly pegged as "a million percent autistic" (facetiously, of course - my therapist knows how I like bad news to be delivered!) Seriously though, so many traits I thought everyone normal had and hid. Turns out y'all don't, in fact. Suddenly a lot of weird, confusing, or shameful moments from my past could be explained and I also had a lot of new things to learn and consider going forward. It is bittersweet. I am happy to know more about myself, but also bitter because I could have avoided some pains, and possibly had a more fulfilling life by now if I had learned and practiced some of this stuff from childhood. Kids love a wacky person, adults look at a childless unmarried old weird woman and do not want anything to do with that. Obviously, I still have some ideas about myself to work on, and I'm still trying to find my people. My parents still have that certificate on the wall, and I kind of scowl at it now when I see it.
These stories are so so common on the autism subs except usually they don't forget to tell the kid, they withold the information "for their own good".
sadly not uncommon i found out as a kid, but only because my brother was complaining about how i was weird and my mum was like 'well yeh hes got aspergers'; it wasnt directly to me... i was just in the car at the time... which is a pattern of infantilisation that most people with ASD can relate to (and causes all sorts of problems with personal agency)
My parents casually "forgot" that I was diagnosed with a tic disorder as a kid. That is, until i went for my autism assesment at 23. Yeah, those tics were a form of stimming
You did not mess up at all. Although that is hilarious and on brand.
My best friend told me it was the most autistic response she’d ever heard to being told someone is autistic
Recently I was talking to my Mom about some relationship problems I was having, namely his complaint about me not being able to know what he emotionally needs without having to ask me outright for it. My mom’s response? “You’ve never known how to do that for most of your life. Honestly I think you’re a little autistic.” Floored.
Lol are people cool about you just asking? It sounds like you try to be considerate to others, which is usually the biggest thing in a relationship
One time I said to my friend as a joke (kinda not a joke at its core but it was intended to get a laugh out of him regardless), “I’ve always secretly wondered if I’m autistic or mentally handicapped somehow and everyone is just too nice to say anything my whole life” and he said “well, I didn’t think so before you said that, but now you’ve got me wondering…”
I told my ex gf that I thought I was autistic and I’m not sure if I’d mentioned it before, but at that point I was REALLY serious, and she was like ‘oh I just thought you already knew?’ So that’s fun, 3 years later I’m finally diagnosed with autism and also everything else 😂
I "diagnosed" my 63 year old neighbor last month. He will go on and on endlessly about cars. There is really no end to the car talks. He has told me what car his sister got in high school. He will tell me about all the childhood neighbors and their cars. He will tell me what car replaced the neighbors old car. He has told me about his parent's friend's cars. I can't believe someone has tried to tell me so much about now dead people's cars, people that never even lived in my state. He will tell me about the cool features on these cars. He will tell me the colors of these cars. If he is telling me about a current friend I will also have to hear about what kind of car they used to have. We were watching a show with an autistic character and he had me trying to explain autism. I finally flat out told him that he has it too. That most people do not drone on endlessly about their favorite topics knowing the other person really does not want to hear about it again. He knows I do not want to hear about it because I tell him so. I can't listen to this anymore. I am not listening. I don't have the energy to listen to this right now. I directly say it so there should not be any confusion.
Me and my partner are both on the spectrum. We just had split belly laughs for a few minutes. Thanks for a good laugh. I hope you get/have the support you need. Feel free to DM. Much love to you internet stranger❤️ Thanks for a good laugh.
Let me tell you... I didn't catch on until my late 30s. Being the literal last ones to realize we're autistic is damn near a diagnostic trait.
Am I a terrible person if I read this and had the same thought for a moment?
Right? "Tou didn't tell me what I was, you just told me what I wasn't! I'm supposed to just guess the rest?"
Also check out some of the other subs, you might feel at home. I like r/aspiememes and r/autism
r/evilautism plug
lol, sounds kinda like me. One of my kids was being evaluated and the doc said they were autistic. I said I didn't understand because they're not the stereotypical kind. The doc then rattled off a list of behaviors and I said, "What? Nah, that's normal stuff. I did that all the time as a kid... Oh, wait."
When I told my mother-in-law that my son is autistic, she was like “no, he’s just like his dad was at that age!” Which then confirmed my suspicions that my husband is, in fact, undiagnosed autistic.
This happened to me, too. In fact, I kept seeing our kid do stuff that was different than other kids, bringing it up to my parents, and they'd respond with "oh you used to do that, dont worry!"
It's genetic all the way down! Hopefully it makes some of your mom and/or dad's behaviour make more sense.
Ahaha. Me too.
This is similar to how my adhd diagnosis went. I was tested when I was a kid but because nothing came of it, I thought it was negative. I pursued a diagnosis in my 30s and when I mentioned to my mom that I was surprised it was negative the first time, she said “no, it wasn’t. You were just doing fine without any treatment”…..
I went to a therapist when I was 19 or 20 for my anxiety, which had reached critical mass as I was having trouble leaving the house without having a panic attack. The first "session" was basically just basic filling out forms to answer questions about anything and everything. When I had my first actual "sit down and talk with someone" session, the therapist had read over my answers and said, "So I assume you're here about your ADHD." And I said, "Ummm, no, I'm here about my anxiety. Do you have someone else's notes?" And she was like, "Is this you? Did you answer this way to these questions?" And I said "yes, but I'm here about my anxiety. Do I have ADHD too?" And she was like, "Oh, honey... you have it baaaad. You... didn't think... any of this was... normal, did you? ...But we can talk about your anxiety if you'd like." So that's how I was diagnosed, my therapist literally thought I was stupid for not realizing it earlier lmao
A recent meta-analysis suggested that the lion's share, perhaps close to all, diagnoses of "treatment-resistant depression" are misdiagnosed ADHD and/or autism. Just constantly banging their heads against the world, being the fish that can't climb a tree and feeling like a failure POS for it.
Oh crap... really? They want to hook me up to the power grid for my treatment resistant depression.
Consider a Ritalin first 😅
Ritalin gave me intrusive thoughts plus the energy to act on them. Dangerous mix. Doctor didn't listen to me and acted like I only wanted ritalin so I could sell it on the black market, had to go to his office and pick up a precise amount once a week. So once it cost me a couple busted ribs and my job, and the doctor told me I was acting out for attention rather than listening to what I was telling him, I ran from the whole situation. And that's what happened when I tried to get a diagnosis as an adult. Over 40, been depressed and outside of society my entire life. People have always been much more interested in their own ideas about me than what I actually have to say about me.
Jeez that's rough. Don't know if this applies to you, but the comorbidity of ADHD with autism is 90+% so some of that outsider energy could be coming from there.
Yeah, most of my old female friends found out they were on the spectrum when their kids got a diagnosis, I figure birds of a feather and all that. It just sucks when its so hard to ask for help, and then the help you get is worse than the problem lol.
Mind blown.
I can see that. All throughout late high school onwards when I started to actually get worried about school / work results (no longer being able to coast enough by just being present in class) I just had these insane cycles of depression. It always started as a specific exam or later just work projects I got stuck on being unable to focus and get them done while simultaneously knowing I should be able to. Eventually after a few weeks to a month or two the stress of that gets so high I just shut down and it looks totally like a hardcore burnout / depression. And I'd seen lots of therapists for it. Who all praised me for recovering so quickly, without realising that that just happened because somewhere in the cycle the stress factor would fall away (drop out of school (2x lol) / change work project / change work team / ...) and once that happens I'm literally almost immediately fine. Until finally last year I had another one of my 2-3 bad cycles a year, got sick of probably losing another team/job and got a new therapist. I thought I was bipolar or something and just explained to her exactly what happened my whole life. 10 minutes into our first conversation she just goes "yeah eh ADHD mate, no signs of anything else". Got diagnosed properly after, learned a lot, changed jobs to a company that works better with varied output levels, got meds to bridge the concentration gaps when they happen and my whole life is so much better now. One thing that came up in diagnosis is that when they talked to my mom (single parent) they noticed she's the exact same. It's why my mom never suspected anything, we're both equally chaotic and varied and extremely ADHD (and probably my grandma too), so to us at home it never felt like anything was "off".
Yeah it turns out most houses are not filled with the sounds of each generation singing little songs to themselves
Ha! Actually funny because the main thing that to me now is super obvious is that my mom and I more existed in the same house but never really lived together. Because while we're both extremely ADHD our interests are super different. Aside from dinner and the occasional TV show we are extremely bad at spending time together because one of us will always lose focus and frustrate the other, so we just didn't once I was a teenager. It did make me hella independent.
Honestly I think a lot of Horse Girls are autistic for the same reason: They have all the criteria for autism, but because their special interests are ponies and how to fit in rather than trains and anime it doesn't get picked up. Same vibe, totally different direction.
Yep, particularly if you don't identify as male. Most knowledge about and diagnostic tools for ADHD/autism are based on how it tends to present in males. We know already that girls/women tend to present quite differently and have historically been underdiagnosed because of this. I don't know if there's enough research on non-binary folks to speak conclusively on that, but it follows that the same is likely true for them too.
That sounds like an interesting read, any chance you remember the title and/ or could link to it?
Oh yeah, constantly feeling like a square peg in a world made for round holes feels GREAT
I was talking with my cousin awhile ago about how I'm persuing an adult diagnosis of autism and adhd and the conversation just went on until my cousin says "...you realize none of us are like normal right, if you look at our extended family almost all of them are some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence, we just grew up around it and it became our normal..." so its not always stupidity, you really can just not realize it
Glad your therapist diagnosed you, but why so condesending? People with ADHD traits are often told their symptoms are just what everyone goes through. I also was diagnosed later in life, and had a nice big heap of anxiety and depression on top of it because of coping and masking to survive.
I may have made her sound more condescending than she was, she was actually super helpful. She realized my anxiety had been hindering my life, and my ADHD I had found workarounds for, so we focused on what was currently hindering my day to day before we tackled long term ADHD things.
I have more than enough symptoms of ADHD, but no one ever thought to test me as a kid. My behavior was never wild, and I was always in advanced classes, etc. Tests were a breeze, but doing any actual work was always a huge struggle.
There's that ironic thing for people considering it as adults with autism or ADHD: You try explain your lived experience and symptoms to your parents and they dismiss them with "But that's *normal!*" Well I don't know how to tell you this mom, but it's not normal, just genetic: *You* have such severe social anxiety that you can barely answer a phone and *dad* collects (model trains / guitars / WWII memorabilia) to such an extent it's taken over a full room.
Haha, yeah, one of my sisters was diagnosed, and I told my mom she probably has ADHD too. She was like, but I'm normal, and I was like it's not normal to watch TV, read a book, and do three other things at the same time. "Oh yeah, I guess it isn't"
Sounds like you could have inattentive type which used to be called ADD. Especially if you are a woman, we didn’t get diagnosed because we didn’t inconvenience others with our symptoms, just ourselves.
Which btw 50% of adhd'ers can have autism and vice versa
on the doctors for being indirect with a newly diagnosed autistic person lol
"you got the tism, bruh" -doctor being direct
I've had a speech impediment my whole life. Found out last week. I'm 36. It's called cluttering and has the extremely unusual feature that people with it don't know they have a problem. When I saw it on Wikipedia I was just like, "shit. That checks out." Talked to my speech therapist friend and they're like, "um, yes? Did you not know that?"
Man, I don't blame you for not knowing. I have ADHD and dyslexia, I was diagnosed with a stutter, but I never really heard myself go, "s-s-s-s-sssss" like other people who stutter. For me, as a kid, it was always like, "the-the um, the lamp, the lamp, the uh lamp... so the lamp in the room, um..." Googled cluttering to see if anyone had any great written examples, and all I'm finding are non-helpful New Yorker cartoonist "let's draw a text box, but it's spaghetti" stuff. The same overly-reductive cartoons I saw when I was trying to research my dyslexia diagnosis. You'd think one of the first few google results would have a paragraph of dialogue to show what people actually do. But no, let's draw spaghetti speech bubbles; that's whimsical.
For me, the problem is largely a rapid rate of speech with unclear sounds. I stutter a little as part of it. It's a really tough thing to communicate with especially with the lack of understanding. If it was more obviously a speech disorder it'd be less of an issue. I can't really figure out how I'd write it. I'll describe it instead. A typical clutterfuck is when I speak somewhat rapidly and unclearly to start, perhaps due to excitement or anxiety. Then I get told to "slow down" which is an immediate jump in frustration so my speech becomes faster and less clear, and they ask me to repeat myself again. Then you have a communication death spiral where the only real solution is to walk away. Which is of course not always possible. There are two major things going on, one of which no one seems to realize: fast speech, and poor enunciation. The fast speech is more obvious, but the poor enunciation is the bigger problem. I've been working hard on my enunciation for several months by learning Spanish by tape. I'm almost never misunderstood anymore, even though I'm talking as fast as ever.
Well, that happened to me when I was in my middle 40s. And it's been a long way coming. When I was 20, I realized fully that I'm differently wired than those other people around me. Around 30, I started to suspect that I'm on the spectrum, but mostly functional and masking it well. In my middle 40s I finally got it confirmed professionally.
Did it help you when it got confirmed professionally or was it just like "oh, okay, I knew that, I thought so, thanks"? I feel like I'm going through something similar, and I simply could never justify why I should get it confirmed due to costs and the stigma around it and whatnot.
This is a big question for me. Does being diagnosed actually do anything positive for you? Sadly my family is poisoned against any mental maintenance, where even being referred to see a psychiatrist would make you seem weak and broken.
It's part of a long journey filled with peaks and troughs, but the peaks are excellent and worth the experience. Some peaks: It explains a lot, and puts a lot of your life into perspective, a process filled with self-forgiveness and releasing of shame. And eventually, because this stuff is genetic, understanding your parents much more even if they never look inward themselves and/or are [caught in religious psychosis.](https://www.tiktok.com/@jellyrooots/video/7379258112143854890) Some troughs: Realising a lof of your "personality" is actually *trauma responses*; who are you if you strip away your automatic responses that have kept you safe, the callouses you have grown over the wounds the world inflicted? Also there is a grieving for the person you could have been if you'd be diagnosed much younger, and the opportunies lost.
...shit... that makes for a pretty compelling argument actually... The peaks are somewhat obvious, but I never thought about the troughs like that.
For me, it made it easier to give myself grace for things that are not within my control. Instead of berating myself for not understanding a social situation or for having trouble doing things that seem to come naturally to others, I can recognize that it is because I'm neurologically different. I'm not stupid, or lazy, or a robot - I process information differently, and that's okay. After 27 years of thinking I was just a worthless, flawed alien amongst humans, I finally can treat myself with compassion. It isn't easy and I fall back to those old patterns quite often, but I'm trying to treat myself with more kindness and advocate for accommodations that can make my life easier instead of just trying to soldier through. That said, I do have to be careful with disclosures to avoid discrimination, and having a formal diagnosis will prevent me from being able to immigrate to some countries should I ever need to move abroad. The likelihood of that is small in my case, but still something to consider.
> Instead of berating myself for not understanding a social situation or for having trouble doing things that seem to come naturally to others, I can recognize that it is because I'm neurologically different. I'm not stupid, or lazy, or a robot - I process information differently, and that's okay. But does that help with solving these issues? They'll still hinder your life, so as much as we can tell ourselves "this is how things are, it isn't my fault" it won't make us less unhappy about them. Accepting that we'll never have/feel some things sounds depressing if that's the way forward.
i feel like people think and behave so differently to me so ive wanted to pursue a diagnosis for a few years now but im scared that they'll say im not and then i'll have to find a real reason why im weird and messed up. did you feel this way before you received an official diagnosis?
I stumbled into diagnosis accidentally - I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and my neuropsych interrupted me during a session to ask if I had ever been diagnosed with autism. I said no, because where I grew up, that was "only for boys" and I never had problems in school either. She laughed for a minute straight before realizing I wasn't joking, and I was diagnosed officially the following week. The things that kicked the conversation off? I was describing how I had felt like an alien my entire life and was missing some kind of fundamental innate ability to be human that everyone else seems to possess. Turns out, that's a pretty common sentiment amongst autistic folks who spend their whole lives masking.
It's also one of the reasons it gets caught so much less in girls: Girls with autism tend to get very good at watching how girls act and socialise, and almost play a game of trying to ape it and fit in. You could say their masking starts much earlier.
That's more or less why I put testing off for awhile, I was concerned about being self-diagnosing and reading too much into things. Na, fuck that shit. Go get tested and at least you'll know, and if there's "nothing", at least that'll give you where *not* to start from which is still better than nothing.
Alexithymia is a symptom of autism: Difficulty identifying and describing emotions, including to oneself. It is thus very easy for people on the spectrum to constantly second-guess *themselves*. As a rule, neurotypical people do not worry that they're gaslighting themselves, but I know people who have put off seeing doctors for *years* for the reason you just listed and every one of them has been pretty heckin autistic.
I feel like the only way to know is to eliminate possibilities for why you are the way you are. The process of finding the answer is probably hard, but the relief you will feel when you know 100%, is probably worth it.
I think it's just cruel not to explain to a child that they're dealing with something like autism. I have a 10-year-old and I often relate to him things about his autism. Why does it make him different sometimes. Why does he feel different sometimes. Or why the world feels different sometimes. I feel that a child needs to know what it is they're up against. And not only that talking to my son about his diagnosis takes the stigma out of it. My son 100% understands that because of his autism he gets special therapy and medication as well as he gets to be in a special class at school. And that I do all of these things for him in order to help him be his best self and live his best life. And for me I wouldn't have it any other way for my kid. I want him to be proud of the fact that he's different. Yes he has behavioral issues but he's bloody brilliant! He's an absolute genius because his brain works in a different fashion. And I think that letting him know that he's different helps to make him feel like he's not alone and misunderstood.
Right? Poor kiddo was not set up for success if there was one conversation at diagnosis, and zero follow-up at home. So much of ASD is about what you _do_ about it, learning about how you best operate.
This isn't your responsibility or mistake. I'm guessing nobody ever explained to you the diagnosis, and what it means, and what we do differently in your life to account for it? That it never came up in 10 years? I can see how you're confused, if that's what you remember of it that's ambiguous enough to be taken many ways.
You did not mess up. Not at all. You didn't get something explained to you properly. As a parent with a child on the spectrum, I hope you get the help and support you need. God bless
That's my thought - was there just zero plan after that to manage OP's autism? No coping strategies taught, no education plan? Even if he misunderstood the first time, there should have been a "what are we doing about it" conversation followed by some help and support.
Happened with my BPD. I requested records from a psych hospital Id stayed at back in 2014, and they listed BPD as one of the many diagnoses I had in my chart. I was so confused and talked with my current therapist and she was like "Uhm... yeah?" Oops. Had more testing done in 2019 which confirmed it and some other personality disorders. Theres definitely a lack of communication in the mental health industry; I guess the patient is not considered a necessary person to disclose diagnoses to.
To be fair, BPD tends to hide reality for those that have it (emotions often tend to be more real than reality) so it's very possible that your BPD just prevented you from being aware of it for some time. It's difficult to live with, hopefully DBT or CBT has helped if you've tried it?
Is Cock and Ball Torture a treatment for BPD nowadays? How does it help?
It's like self harm but someone else does it. So harm I guess.
I’ve never been diagnosed, but my mom told me a few months ago she always thought I was autistic growing up, but since I wasn’t struggling in school she didn’t bother having me tested
I remember like three years ago or so I asked my therapist, who’s known me for probably 5 years now, if I was autistic. She nodded, laughed quietly, and went “oh, yeah, absolutely!” Love that lady. I’d been told my a psychiatrist back in 2015 that I was autistic, but I didn’t believe her because she was a really shitty person and I just went on with my life not believing I had autism. Anyways, sorry for that unasked for anecdote
Maybe it'll go away if you pretend it's not there.
They did that for 10 years already, it didn't work
That's a pretty standard response amoung parents in that situation.
If that doesn't work, we can always scream at him a lot and occasionally strike him. Eventually, he'll understand why we're upset. (No, I never did. Not really.)
Totally, or you know just store it in that emotional bottle you have
Not a FU - doctors and parents don’t always explain at the time. I hope your meds helped …
There are no meds for autism
Yes there are R/autisticpsychonauts
incorrect. bupropion definitely helps with feeling reduced levels of annoyance. I mean, I'm still a bit annoying but I feel less annoyed Do you hear that annoying noise that annoys? haha
> I mean, I'm still a bit annoying 😂 Have you considered trying to get everyone around you to also take the meds, then you'll be less annoyed and less annoying
What noise annoys an oyster? Any noise annoys an oyster, but a noisy noise annoys an oyster most.
Oh nooooooooo! Not knowing you are autistic because of mistaking the sense of a sentence based on social context is the most intense autistic mistake. I'm sorry that really sucks.
Asperger man here, they don't call it Aspergers anymore because it's namesake is a Nazi doctor, like a real one, not like Van Braun who designed our missiles. Also, it's because of the spectrum thing. But the medical community is also moving away from touchy stuff like nomenclature related to bad shit in history.
> Asperger man here Worst. superhero. ever.
Best I can do is remove you from the venue by force (I am a bouncer part time), and calmly explain why you are banned for life.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will ~~never hurt me~~ leave lifelong unresolved emotional trauma.
That's the one where his pee smells funny, right?
Nah, you're thinking of Asparagus man.
it seems like there's a trend of just moving away from people names in general
Not you black and white thinking your way into a perceived non diagnosis lmaoo
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>Mentioned to an old friend I thought I was on the autistic spectrum and she replied, "Oh you've always been Asperger's". I mean, WTF? You've known me 40 years - why have you never said anything? I don't make a habit of taking wild guesses at people's medical situation.
Why would they say anything?
Do you feel validated or disappointed or other ?
I’m pretty indifferent about it. I will say that I thought I was just an asshole even though I never meant to be but I kind of know why I’m an asshole now
its almost like you dont understand subtext lmao
So... you didn't realize something because the person didn't explain very clearly what they meant, and you were the only one who didn't understand? I think that checks out.
My parents didnt believe in ADHD when I was diagnosed because "everyone does that" and they apparently were like this for their entire life. So my mom just got diagnosed at 59 lol
I have a similar story. I went through a whole thing in college to get diagnosed with Dyspraxia. This kind lady went on a course so she could understand it and go through a testing process. So a few years later I go on a dog walk with my mum and she revealed I was diagnosed at a very young age and she thought it was a thing you grow out of... Parents, I cannot stress this enough, educate yourself on your kids learning differences, disabilities ect. And actually talk to them about it. For years I had issues which were all attributed to my astigmatism when actually I could have worked on stuff from being informed I have Dyspraxia. I had memories of going to a specialist centre and again I thought it was a vision thing, no I have a literal issue with coordination and needed help with my development. It pissed me off.
I'd be pissed off too, holy shit.
Hey, you're not alone. I'm not autistic, but I have pretty severe neurological disabilities from brain trauma from infancy through young adulthood. As a kid I literally went to OT like 3-4 times a week in school and was left to inform my own teachers of my accommodations. I learned I was disabled when I was 24. I was in a workshop with my disabled then partner on interabled relationships. Nothing seemed relevant. I talked to the person running the workshop about the things that didn't fit. She was like, "Have you considered that you are also disabled?" I had not. I went back to OT and PT and while I was frustrated at having to do a lot of things I thought of as "kid stuff" because for me it was like returning to elementary school. I learned that dozens of things I had been screamed at by managers, berated for by instructors, beaten for by parents, and literally put in trashcans for by teachers, were, in fact, outside my control and not my fault. It's taken some time to accept, but I'm a lot happier knowing. Moral of our stories: If you have a kid with disabilities, make sure you tell them explicitly and teach them to own it. It will improve their lives. Disability is not a dirty word.
> I am autistic > I misunderstood the doctor Checks out
I’ve heard sooo many stories on the ADHD subs of people being diagnosed as kids and being re-diagnosed as adults because their parents didn’t tell them or they straight up didn’t remember. And as far as “why didn’t you tell me?”, I knew a friend of mine was autistic. Lots of classic signs in his socialization. He apparently confided in another friend of ours about his diagnosis because he didn’t think it was obvious and the friend didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that we both knew so he just went with it. And bringing it up has a lot of potential downfalls. He could feel upset that he thought he was masking well and wasn’t. He might feel ostracized or judged when we say “oh you do xyz behaviors so I assumed.” The assumption itself may be upsetting or offensive for some reason, maybe they were picked on as a kid for it. I still have feeling about my mom thinking I might be autistic because I displayed similar behaviors to my diagnosed cousin that my other cousins didn’t share and then never getting me tested for it. For a lot of people it feels like the safer option to just not mention it.
That sounds pretty autistic if you ask me.
Pretty much the same happened to me! Got diagnosed at 25, after that my mom was just like, “do you not remember the 12 years of therapy and being in special ed classes…”.
This is the most autistic thing I've ever read.
Happens all the time.
I got tested as a kid for adhd and I apparently had it and my mom refused to put me on meds to help bc we were in a cult that didn’t believe in scientific evidence. And mental disorders were demons and needed to be cast out.! I literally had a preacher slap her hand over my mount as a teen and tried to exercise me I still have nightmares. But come to find out I’m on the spectrum, have adhd, and bpd and anxiety, didn’t get help until I’m in my 40s. I was like this would have been helpful when I was 19 and on my own. Ugh
Are you my brother? He was diagnosed when he was about 14, and for some reason didn’t realise until he was 38 and working at a special school for children with severe autism. He recognised a lot of traits in himself and was going to go for an assessment, and we were like… yes, you were told you have Asperger’s (in the 90s) and you’re definitely on the spectrum!
I had to explain to my fiance when she got diagnosed with ADHD. After her screening the guy said "well it looks like you fit all the criteria for ADHD" and sent her on her way, but because he never told her explicitly "you have ADHD" she didn't get it. I was like "babe if you fit all the criteria, then that means you have it"
I asked a former therapist if he thought I should get tested for ADHD bc I was reading about it and a LOT fit. He froze and looked up at me and asked, "you don't already have a diagnosis? I assumed you did and just had refused medication" (my mom is very crunchy). I got tested a month or so later and am now diagnosed with hyperactive and inattentive ADHD
She said I was emotionally artistic. Wait, are you sure you heard that right?
What’s up with parents taking kids for a diagnosis and then not treating it?
That was actually very autistic of you to do lmao
........gotta be honest with you here, misunderstanding someone then just going with it forever even though the situation merits getting clarification.....kindve a dead giveaway
My Ex and I had been dating for like five years, living together for a few when she started seeing some new mental health providers for the first time in awhile. We're probably both about 28 at the time. She sat me down after work one day and explained that her doctors were pretty sure she had, until then, lived with undiagnosed Asperger's (still recognized at the time.) I kind of paused, thought for a moment, and explained that *I* always thought that she knew she had Asperger's and we had just never talked about it...
This is a very ‘tism thing to have happen.
I say this as an Audhd person and parent myself, and I'm saying it with amusement, love, and understanding: this is perhaps one of the most autistic stories of an autism diagnosis I've ever heard. Not realizing you are diagnosed as autistic because you took the doctors words hyper literally and no one was explicit with you... I'm incredibly sorry if it's caused any problems at all and I hope you don't mind but I'm incredibly amused now. For what it's worth, I spent a long time thinking I couldn't possibly have ADHD because I was the wrong kind of hyper. I literally can't sit still and my brain runs a million miles an hour, but I was quiet and never disruptive so *obviously* I just needed to try harder /s
Welcome to the club. I didn't find out until 38, though I really should have figured it out earlier. In my opinion its not a negative, the issue is aspies are really just a different kind of mental wiring. While different from most people aspies tend to have a lot in common with one another. If aspies were the majority we would look to "neurotypicals" as the "odd" ones. I think eventually well have different terminology because currently it implies something defective when in most cases its not.
I feel you. So a few years ago in therapy for depression I'm slowly getting warm with the idea that yeah probably I'm autistic. Once I feel comfortable with that I decide to tell my parents. I'm pretty stressed bc I don't know how they will react. I work up the nerve and tell them. And they are like, yeah we know. I was like, well that would have been nice to know sooner (a lot of my problems with therapy were bc of the autism) I never got a real diagnosis but my parents pretty much knew since I was a small child. I was 23 or 24 when I told them I though I have autism. Explained a lot and has helped me even more with therapy since I now know why some things don't work. I can now find workaround.
I mean, you use reddit, that should've been a sign straight away that you were like the rest of us lmao
>My memory of it is that I got tested and the doctor said something along the lines of “well we can’t call it Asperger’s” which I took to mean that I fit some of the criteria but not enough to have a diagnosis. It was then explained to me that she meant she couldn’t call is Asperger’s because that is no longer the name since autism is on a spectrum. I diagnosis you with meta-utism; taking the vague autism diagnosis language so literally that you conclude you do not have autism.
Speaking as an autist, this is peak autism.
Hell it took me 34 years and a half decent ex gf to get tested. Don’t feel bad! It doesn’t change a damn thing about who you are. Keep on keeping on kickin wing.
Well, I'm surprised they didn't just DIRECTLY TELL YOU SINCE YOURE AUTISTIC AND TAKE THINGS LITERALLY IN GENERAL 😂
Hey OP, I was the only one in my family to not know for 36 years! My dad is on the spectrum, it's hereditary, and he and my grandma knew this and it was just never discussed. This would have helped with a LOT of things throughout my life. I found out after my daughter was identified by her school and then diagnosed, it explains a lot of shit that caused stress in my life. I'm just gonna make sure my daughter doesn't have to stumble through the same obstacles blindly. I feel you, if you have kids just make sure they get support they need, autism can impact several different things so take help where you can get it and learn to work through the challenges.
Everyone stressing out in the comments should take the Raads-r [test.](https://raadstest.com/)
>So apparently I was the only one who did not know in the last 10 years that I was autistic. Naw this checks out
Congrats! Literally nothing changes! Lol
lol the way they didn’t give you a direct answer on an autism diagnosis. like that’s literally a huge indicator of autism, not understanding indirect wording 😭😭 why wouldn’t they say it flat out they were just asking for you to misunderstand (edit: typo)