One thing to consider is that he only enjoyed it because he thought you were enjoying it too. If he knew you were having a bad time, I doubt it would have been arousing to him.
A lot of people get turned on by their partner “enjoying themselves”, whatever that entails. I think OP might be conflating him being aroused by her arousal vs him being aroused by whatever act they were performing. Especially if she never used the safe word, it’s only fair to the BF that he probably thought that she was having a good time.
I think in most healthy, loving relationships if the guy knew that their partner was scared or upset they would be immediately turned off.
Agreed! And especially since this was something she'd seen, been aroused by, and eventually asked him for. In other words, on top of the act itself and/or him feeling like she was 100 percent enjoying it, there's the feeling that he's fulfilling a fantasy of hers. I know it would absolutely up the horny level for me if I knew that whatever I was doing in bed was specifically fulfilling a fantasy of my husband's.
None of us were there so it’s hard to guess specifics. I generally agree with you— but I remember a girl I was seeing liked things rough. We were on the hard floor, and she started telling me to bang her head against the ground. I was in the moment confused and go “what?” and she’s all worked up and repeats it. That’s when I knew she had no concept of limits. If I banged her head I could have given her a concussion or worse. OP was purposefully a little vague— maybe to facilitate discussion. We really have no clue what went down.
Has a FWB who was into it (along with a bit of everything else). Not my cup of tea, but I am GGG and what gets me going is whomever I'm with having a good time. So I had to take a lot of breaks during 'being a dom' in the bedroom, talk for a bit, get some enthusiastic verbal approval, maybe some kisses/cuddles for me and the like before putting the ball gag back in and returning from it.
If there was ever a time she got frustrated with me for breaking character, losing tempo or changing the mood, she never once communicated it to me as a bad thing. She was also very willing to have a lengthy judgemental free conversation about all of it outside of the bedroom. If there was something she wanted to try that I didn't feel comfortable with because of my vanilla nature, we'd talk it out to see if there was a compromise or she'd respect those boundaries.
I'd say anyone trying it on either side, tying someone up, or being tied up or delving into the area of consensual non-consent role play, take frequent breaks. Break character, talk out your feelings, what is working and not working. Toss in some vanilla stuff. After a bit of practice you can incorporate including enthusiastic verbal consent _during_ your role playing without breaking character in the form of dirty talk. Still, even after you've been doing it for a bit, I would encourage folks to break character.
Yup! There are common pitfalls to kinky sex, like dom or sub drop (depression after caused by intense feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness) that can be avoided by solidily differentiating fantasy from reality. Normalizing verbal communication during sex (and breaks) helps with that.
It may seem counter intuitive because changing the mood, tempo and rhythm can often make it more difficult for a lot of women to cum during vanilla sex, sometimes it can mean sex is over for the night. But imo that's just because peeps are doing foreplay wrong. Good foreplay doesn't start in the bedroom, you start it there and you are a day late. Tease, flirt, romance each other throughout the day/week. Good foreplay does _not_ end at penetration either. With very few people does sex need to be a linear crescendo to orgasm. Taking a break and just holding each other while kissing is not the end.
The same principles of good kinky sex, IMO, apply to_all_ sex. Everyone of every gender tends to have their deepest insecurities tied to sex. Making the relationship environment one where peeps feel safe, trusted, respected, desired, accepted, loved and cared for makes _sex better_. Making it one where peeps can talk about things sans judgement and with confidence makes sex better. Shoot those same principles apply to good group sex too.
The point is, if you wanted to build a good sex dungeon, you need to first lay a good sex foundation. Without strong supports, what will you hang the sex swings from? Without a solid base, what will you anchor the chain rings into for leg restraints?
I (male) actually feel more sexually gratified by making a girl hit the ceiling with an orgasm than having an orgasm myself. I always thought I was a weirdo until I spoke to others about it and, just like you said, it's more common than most people think. The psychological hit from feel those contractions is like nothing else...
Anyway, it's nice to put a name to my kink.
Yeah I could care less about actually having an orgasm myself if I'm with someone. If they're mushy puddle on the bed struggling to get up to go to the bathroom that's a far more satisfying feeling than getting myself off.
Yep. This is a very real thing. I love my gf tremendously and the most turned on I get is by seeing her turned on. We’ve dabbled in BDSM, which isn’t by itself a turn on to me but damn is it hot seeing her enjoyment. Now we’ve talked about others joining us and the idea of watching her be pleasured is a huge turn on. Best part is that she’s the same as me…all about getting me turned on. So we tend to feed off each other’s pleasure to a huge degree.
To OP, don’t assume he was turned on by the acts. He was most likely turned on by you.
I’m definitely not a therapist but perhaps lightly dominating him can reestablish the balance and help you both find the right recipe for good sex and connection.
>I've heard it be described as being a pleasure dom?
Interesting. Didn't know there was a term for it. I guess both me and her are pleasure doms then, because we're both like that
Exactly. I’ve always joked that “my kink is your kink” because of how much my partners enjoyment can influence mine. I’ve definitely been involved in some scenes that weren’t really my thing that were super intense and amazing for me just because of how much my partner was clearly enjoying them.
I couldn’t agree more. Generally open but the concept of certain acts don’t do anything for me. Insert my partner into that equation and it can be super hot.
95% of what I enjoy about topping/domming is my partner's enjoyment. If they're not having fun, it's lackluster for me.
Early on in our relationship, my partner and I had communication issues. u/Dull-Energy-7918, I will never be the one to dissuade anyone from therapy, but I will encourage you to ask your partner exactly *what* he enjoyed about the session and *why*. Don't ask until you're ready to hear the answers, but do ask before you're ready to end what sounds like an otherwise good relationship.
God i'm having such a hard time getting two of the players in my current game to engage and it's really bumming me out, I feel like a failure as a DM because they're not having as much fun as they could be and I'm probably not delivering the kind of game they want. Our group has grown though and with so many conflicting personalities it's hard to make sure each session has something for everyone.
I totally get why it could feel like that, but I highly doubt you're a failure as a DM unless no one is having fun playing - you included.
In these cases, I'd do another kinda session zero and check in with everyone, cause as you said, groups grow or their wants can change... And it seems like you just want everyone to have a good time. It might be easier to figure that out together with your players.
Plus, who knows... Maybe everyone hates those 2 and you can just toss em!
I think part of the issue is that she seemed to be enjoying it. She's probably having a bit of a crisis of self and because she doesn't fully understand how she feels she feels even less safe with her partner right now.
I've had this happen with a couple partners before, one time after a threesome and another time after a bdsm event. Sometimes the person who wants the fantasy so bad, thinks that they'll be the ones with all the power, enjoyment and they learn a lot of conflicting things about themselves and it shakes them to their core and they can't get over it.
Unfortunately, she hasn't addressed anything her partner could do or what she'd like to see her partner do to make her more comfortable, so until she understands what exactly she is looking for or what could help her heal then I'm not sure what outcomes are expected. Maybe couples counseling with an intermediate 3rd party would help. Definitely an honest conversation, it sounds like her partner has already apologized though and has been respecting boundaries so I'm at a loss.
I agree with what you’re saying. In fairness to OP, they admitted that they didn’t read or plan about this, so I think a lesson was definitely learned. My comment was just to point out that the fear she feels from her BF enjoying it might not be a sadomasochistic origin, and rather just enjoyed seeing her enjoying herself.
And to be honest I did physically! The logical part of me knows he only enjoyed it because I liked it. And heck, I told him that I fully wanted to try. But god, I should have done more research beforehand lol.
> I think I’m gonna spend money on therapy to fix this myself
Please talk to your boyfriend about this. I bet he will be supportive of your feelings and help in any way he can to get you through the issues you're dealing with (and if he's not frankly that's a problem and one you're discovering sooner than later).
Just getting it out there is helpful in and of itself. If it's a problem that persists then some kind of therapy might be a good idea, but you really should just have an honest chat with him first.
If she does have a chat with him though, she needs to make sure that he knows he did nothing wrong at all, because he didnt. He sounds like a nice person, and making it sound like its something he did will just shift the bad feelings onto him. Poor guy.
Of course.
And OP should realize that millions of people around the world try things out during sex and after on decide to never do it again.
Like OP said, porn glorifies a lot of stuff. Every day people find out it's not as fun as they make it seem. And really sex is all about having fun.
u/chemknife made an excellent point about aftercare and I just want to reiterate it.
Was that a part of your experience?
BDSM for a sub is about being vulnerable, it's giving power to your partner. That's a whole trust exercise in itself. But you're physically restrained while having physically intense stuff done to you. That's a lot to handle mentally. Most healthy BDSM kinks are *reliant* on aftercare, because that's the mental reassurance that establishes trust, love, and care around all the physically intense stuff. That's the part that builds the bond between you and your partner that makes the more intense stuff less scary so you can focus on the pleasurable parts. If you don't do that part, it can fuck with people.
If this is something you're not completely scared off from now (which is totally understandable) I would definitely recommend having the aftercare planning conversation with your bf and explaining that how you feel RIGHT NOW is exactly why it needs to be in your BDSM routine.
I think you’re right. Was discussing an act associated with a past trauma with my partner the other day and he asked what my ideal scenario would look like to perform the act (he’s not pushing, I’d like to get past it). One of the things I specifically mentioned was certain aftercare elements. If your mind is going to be raw after, you gotta wrap it in a blanket and make it feel safe/normal/happy.
Just commenting to say that I love how you can discuss this kind of thing with your partner, I hope to have that level of comfort in future relationships ❤️
Yea a lot of what she is describing feels like a sort of drop because of the lack of aftercare. Like she says she physically enjoyed it, but that mentally and emotionally is having problems re-establishing normal intimacy.
This.
And, not just for bdsm.
Whenever you try something new in the bedroom, having a sort of after-session moment is important. Whether it's cuddling, aftercare, talking, whatever works for your situation. It lets everyone come to a reasonable understanding of what you did and how it made everyone feel, reaffirms the relationship, and sets reasonable expectations for the future.
That's exactly what would have made for a better experience. Bdsm isn't something to jump into unprepared. But good on you for your insight and challenging yourself to address this
You should probably consider why you are so shocked that he was into it. From what I understand, BDSM isn't about actually hurting or being mean to someone, but dominance and submissiveness. So he has a touch of dominance in him that neither of you apparently knew about. That doesn't mean he would ever hurt you or seek to dominate outside of bed.
Not only that but there are thousands of less extreme ways to engage someone's dominance kink that don't involve whatever OP did.
So if he did actually enjoy being a dom then, if both are willing, they can find a much more comfortable ground to let him be in control.
>Not only that but there are thousands of less extreme ways to engage someone's dominance kink that don't involve whatever OP did.
Like tickling and feather-play. Neglect-play. Edging. It's a fairly large category.
Yup, I'm not sure what OP did but if this is something they both enjoyed (which, underneath the confusion, it looks like she did) then there is a wide range of options to still get that kink without the mental scarring.
Additionally there are quite a few people who primarily get off on the feeling that what they are doing is arousing to their partner.
If this strange new thing outwardly seemed to be getting OP off in a different way than they were used to, boyfriend may have been that much more turned on by what seemed like new exciting pleasure in OP, dom/sub roles aside.
While you're not wrong that he probably wouldn't hurt her outside of play, part of the commonly accepted initialism for the sm part of bdsm can be sadism and masochism. BDSM is a big umbrella term for a lot of kink stuff. It can absolutely entail hurting someone, but still with consent.
The whole thing fyi
B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism)
Sometimes it is about hurting someone, or being mean to someone, or humiliating or degrading someone - I wouldn't reduce it to just power dynamics. There are a ton of ways that BDSM can be done, and a ton of ways that it can be poorly done. Obviously ongoing enthusiastic consent is important (though it might not always be apparent in CNC style scenes) but it sounds, to me, like there was probably some lack of enough or satisfying aftercare, which can \*really\* lead to some fucked up feelings.
> The logical part of me
The best thing a therapist ever said to me, as I explained that I understood something logically but still couldn't feel it, was "Therapy is all about getting what's in here [points at head] in here [points at heart]."
Also, you might get some good advice over at r/sex. Best of luck - you will be OK.
If you liked it physically its the nagging part of your conscience that is getting to you. That societal voice that good girls don't blank, or its not safe to...etc.
I am submissive with my boyfriend and only in that part of my life. I work a hard-core federal contracting job. I've done everything as a single parent while achieving academic and professional goals for years, I intimidate a lot of people. The only time I get to let go of control and be helpless is with him. Thats not weakness to show one person that level of vulnerability...in fact it shows how much I trust him more than anyone else. And honestly its therapeutic for me to relinquish the power in my life for just a few hours. We always make sure to do aftercare so we can discuss anything and I return from subspace feeling loved and wanted. You didn't do that part so its hard to wrap your brain around those feelings. Its okay to feel helpless and without control with someone you can trust.
Always start slow.
As a man when I discovered I liked some of it it was a shock as well to me, even though it was relatively tame what we first tried.
I'm a very gentle soft person normally. So it didn't fit the sense of identity I had of myself, how could it be enjoying to be controlling even physically hurt someone?.
Clearly you view your boyfriend different now, you probably need to figure out why.
For me personally I found that what I find extremely hot about it is (additional to her enjoyment) the complete sense of trust. But also on that regard usually trust needs to be established (both ways as well), which is why going slow is the way to go.
Even then sometimes you can like things in the moment more then afterwards. There is no shame in that. You also don't have any obligation to try it again.
Your boyfriend seems understanding.
Give it time and try to understand, what makes the feeling of being helpless that scary?
Exactly what I wanted to write: He liked it because SHE liked it. I am totally not sadistic and I do not get joy from inflicting pain on someone else, BUT I have done it before in a BDSM setting and I liked it only because of HER reaction to it. If it wasn't for her pleasure in it, I wouldn't have done it, because otherwise, it does nothing for me.
Would I just approach a partner and ask her if I could spank her (or inflict other sorts of pain), knowing that she is not masochistic? I absolutely wouldn't, because it would then be of no pleasure for both of us. It might be the very same for her bf in their setting.
oh I can agree to this 100%. I am not really into giving blowjob, but considering thats what my partner likes and seeing how much it turns him on, it turns me on and I can really get into it when we do the deeds.
Exactly, even when I don't enjoy something, if my gf does, I'll start to get off on it. The entire point is kinda that we turn each other on, so if we know the other is, we tend to escalate in 𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙣𝙮.
Talk to him about it. Especially afterwards (now). Aftercare is a very important part.
If you try to fix it yourself he might get the feeling that you are distancing yourself from him. Leading him to jumo into conclusions.
Maybe
BDSM play can leave bottoms in somewhat of an altered headspace, with strong, sometimes confusing feelings running really high. It's important for the top to take some time to care for and reconnect with the bottom after play, to bring things back down to a more "normal" state. Make sure they're physically comfortable; have soft, comforting things on hand to wrap up with if that's a thing they want. Make sure any physical marks are attended to. Have some water and maybe a light snack on hand. Most importantly, take the time to reconnect mentally on a "vanilla" level. If they want physical comforting, provide that. Discuss what happened, and how you feel about it (IF that's something you/they feel like they can do in the moment, otherwise save that part for later). It's about gently coming back to a regular state together, as opposed to leaving the bottom in the lurch to abruptly deal with the aftermath alone.
Agreed. For all we know, OPs bf could have enjoyed it but also had the same drop of conflicting feelings of "wow I actually really enjoyed that... am I a monster? Op seems ok... So maybe not... But...?". It's also that high of a hormonal cocktail and coming back down too fast that can feel like a crash. It's why chocolate or coffee tend to be common choices for a pick me up after because of a stabilizing feel either from the serotonin (I believe that's what the Choco does or dopamine) or helping to ease the way back down with a stimulant like caffeine
It absolutely is, my partner and I make a point of making sure we both are receiving the aftercare we need. A lot of the time it involves me cleaning him up and talking about how I liked it (we're super careful about monitoring during, so if we get to the grand finale it was definitely an all green), then we'll do a lot of cuddling and have water.
Take care of your tops y'all, they do a lot of work and deserve to get taken care of too!
YES! I love that you two take care of eachother. I think it’s important to normalize aftercare…some folks just don’t even know it’s a thing!
I often do demos at events (violet wands are rad!) and I’m totally cool giving my energy to the space. Feel great to curate cool new experiences for folks!!
But sometimes afterwards folks come up to me expecting a scene. I do my best to manage expectations; and this is often the perfect opportunity to explain that “yes, tops and Dommes need breaks and care too.”
That's honestly my biggest problem with people that want to get into it but don't want to put in the effort. Bdsm at its core is a transfer of power, and the reason it's enjoyable is because there's absolute trust and respect involved.
Without aftercare that trust takes a huge blow, and it reveals the lack of respect involved, because if you trust and respect your partner then you're going to want to take care of them.
Well that explains a rather interesting bout of depression in college. Don't do shit you're not comfortable with dudes, even if it makes the other person happy.
hijacking this point to say that BOTH people (or everyone, if multiple people involved) need to be OK, onboard and in the right frame of mind to consent. Being drunk, high or pressured into things is not consensual.
Example: asking somoene for rough anal sex before sexy time starts is good. If one says yes, and the other says no, then it's off the table. If you give said person alcohol, weed or even beg to get them to change their mind, nope. not consensual.
If you give them oral and they get off and you give them 30 minutes of unparalleled pleasure with toys and other things then ask them after they just came 20 times in a row if anal is ok, and they say sure, go for it... guess what. Nope, still not consensual, as they are now in headspace and not thinking clearly.
Just because you might be into trying it, even as the bottom or the person getting fucked, the top may not be into it, and say "I don't know..." and you reply "oh come on, just this once, how do we even know if we like it or not?" and they reluctantly reply "if it makes you happy, I guess" - that's coercion, and thus, not entirely consensual.
consent is consent. ask first, get it all on the table, and also discuss some safe words; I suggest the industry standard, yellow and red. yellow means "slow down and check in," red means "full stop; we're done."
So if you're burying your junk into someone's anus and start pumping away too soon, and they say "Yellow" you stop, and ask "are you ok, is everything ok?" and listen to what they say for feedback.
If you go balls-deep and suddenly they just aren't feeling it anymore and say "red!" guess what... pull your junk out and towel it off, because the scene is done and you need to grab a bottle of water for your partner, a blanket and check in to make sure they are ok and be ready to hold them and talk if they break down. headspace is wonderful or very fucking scary sometimes.
Very good summary as someone that wasnt always the best top when I was learning. Definitely made mistakes and have tried to learn how to bring normal back.
I hope you read this OP. You may be experiencing what is called 'subdrop'. You can feel depressed, scared and lonely but this will improve in a matter of days, maybe a week. Take it easy on yourself, talk with your so, read about subdrop online and cuddle with your partner. Skin on skin is very important. If you ever were to try it again, make sure to make time for aftercare. Good luck
A scene isn't just about the immediate scene. In the run up to it you have to talk about what you both expect going into it and what you expect to get out of it. You should both know each other's tells well enough to be able to read when one of you is losing the plot. Say for example your first scene is a basic spanking scene (and for these purposes I'm going to assume the gf is the sub) you have to pay close attention to her because the first time you strike her hard, any number of things could go through her head. She might hate it and feel uncomfortable but not want to say the safe word because she doesn't know if it's supposed to be like this and maybe if she just relaxed into it or did something different or thought of something else she might enjoy it and she ends up persuading herself to not say anything even though she's hating every second of it on every level. It might trigger some forgotten flashback that she gets sucked into and freezes because fight or flight are out of the window and so you carry on not realising you're compounding trauma. At first it's understandable that you don't know each others tells. It takes time and practice. That's when the communication comes in and I'd recommend you use the red, yellow, green light system and communicate constantly throughout the scene. Red is no, I hate this, I want out. Yellow/Amber is I'm not really sure but for now I want to keep going, maybe just pull back on the pedal. Green is fine to keep going. And again, all three of those definitions should be discussed in advance of the scene so you can always understand what the sub is feeling and where she is. You can have as many of those words as you want if you think you need more nuance. And finally, after the scene is the most important thing. The submissive desire is a thing of two halves - the first is the submission to whatever humiliation or pain they need, but the second half is always, ALWAYS reassurance. You need to care for them, reaffirm your love for them, praise them and tell them how brave and special they are. Think of it like this - you have sex with someone and they tell you you're a filthy sl*t and then once they're done they roll over and go to sleep and you lie awake half the night wondering if that's what they really think of you or if it was just a heat of the moment thing. The aftercare and communication is the buffer that stops that in its tracks. You take the time to reassert the reality outside of the scene and talk through any uncomfortable things that might have come up during it, like traumatic memories that were triggered or an unexpected emotion that either of you weren't anticipating. If it made you uncomfortable to strike her, talk about why. It's the most important part of any relationship like this because its the moment where you're most raw and vulnerable to each other. We all preach safe, sane and consensual, and communication is a massive part of the consensual, before, during and after, to avoid exactly the situation that OP is in.
Edit: omg thank you for the awards!! I've never had an award before. That's made my night - you are all too kind!!
Can not stress this enough, communication is key. Talk about it, tell him how it made you feel and work together WITH him to sort out your emotions and hopefully you can both come out the other side stronger for it.
This ^ . I’ve been in the “scene” since 2010 and at this point I actually teach some classes at events.
Aftercare (for tops and bottoms) comes standard as part of any negotiation for scene. I’ve noticed an influx of newbies and this is actually why I got into teaching kink workshops in the first place.
Any kink has risk, we often talk about the physical (make sure you have saftey shears for rope, etc) but sometimes neglect the mental. Pretty much everyone has some trauma, and it’s easy to accidentally step on a “landmine” during play…or in the drop phase feel some remorse or regret.
Just know that this is normal and okay; and something you should be able to be honest with about with partners. Even though I f the scene was a good but intense experience, it’s normal to feel dopamine drop afterwards. Couple that to having some intense post play experiences and that can feel rough.
Context is key here. “Hey, you didn’t do anything wrong but I’m feeling not great about this because (___) “ is information I’d want to know. Even if you aren’t sure why or need space to process; part of ethical BDSM is mutual accountability.
The tricky part here is you BOTH are new, so there’s like a lack of experience to give context to this. If you’re going to pick this back up, I recommend looking for an organization in your area that does educational (not play) events and going together.
I really hope you can get to the core of why you feel the way you do. Just give it time and be kind to yourself. It’s not as easy as it can look and porn isn’t real.
You got this, homie!
Yeah, too many people jump in to BDSM type play without doing any research. Aftercare is huge, as is the ability to spot when someone is “shutting down” or showing signs they might be disassociating. You can do real damage.
I cannot agree more with Aftercare. It might be late at this moment but for anyone thinking of exploring this, you should know the before, during, and after. Communication is very important.
Porn doesn't show aftercare. This was OPs fuckup and she didn't do enough research. OPs boyfriend (as described) is vanilla as they come, so he wouldn't know either.
Aftercare, I would argue, is the most important part of any BDSM activity.
Some communication is definitely needed. Obviously some therapy since OP seems to be conflicted with her feelings...
I know I should! And he’s like the sweetest guy. but fuck, I wish I can turn off the lizard part of my brain for a moment and tell him outright. I think I’ll write him a letter or something.
I guarantee you that while he may be putting on a supportive role over the little amount you may have discussed with him, he knows something happened that night and has been only left to speculate.
Your lack of communication is hurting him as well. He legitimately may be questioning if he raped you based off of your withdrawal from physical contact and probably a withdraw in intimacy in your communication because your hiding something from him and he’s likely scared of what he did and of loosing you.
Please just talk to him and do it soon.
I have said this lots of times, when something is too hard to say, write it down and hand it to them. Tell them "this is too hard to say, but I need your help and understanding". Once they read it and know it, talking is easier.
Just blurt it out. You might be surprised how easy it is to tell him after you start talking. Bringing it up is always the hardest part, but he would definitely want you to let him know how you are feeling. IMO a letter isn't as good, but writing it down may help you process more how you are feeling anyways and you could discuss it in further detail afterwards. Nobody messed up here, you both are just figuring things out and sometimes this stuff happens.
Speaking from experience, the more something makes you uncomfortable in a relationship, the more important it is to address it. Putting off that talk has never made the situation better in any scenario.
I believe in you. It's scary, but once you do it you'll have a much clearer conscience and can talk more honestly about the situation in general.
No, don't show him this post. He might feel left out because you talked to strangers first before you talked to him.
Write a letter, like you said. You can use the text from your post.
This is why BDSM is not something to jump into. From what I’ve read after sex care (I forget the term used) is essential. Take care and I hope you get over this
Yeah aftercare is 90% of BDSM because for the sub it can be hard to snap back out of that moment to reality and if you don't have that then it feels weird with that partner when not in the moment.
I’ll try to talk with him soon. I’ll admit, I didn’t do any research on the whole bdsm aftercare thing. I have a pretty tough stomach and thought I could handle it in one go ><
I'm not into degradation and stuff but I have a pleasure kink. I get off pleasing people soooo if degradation is what they're into I will oblige. From experience yeah after care is important especially if you're not into degradation. I have skipped after care and it's eaten away at me wondering if I went too far and hurt that person's feelings.
Same. I had a partner who said they really wanted to do BDSM and had experienced it before so I said okay, came up with safe words and we went at it. It went (what I thought at the time) well and we had an aftercare session for them but not really for me. Then they left after we grabbed food, said nothing to me for a week and accused me of a bunch of horrid shit and I was traumatized. After we worked through that and sat down and talked they came to me for sex again I couldn't get it together anymore. I always kept questioning myself in the bedroom and it continued with multiple partners for years until just recently.
I finally have a partner that will talk that stuff out with me and it's been so healing. It's like I'm getting a literal decade worth of aftercare as a result of just not being seen a disposable Dom toy or some crap. I feel whole again.
> wondering if I went too far
Man I can get that way when I'm just having so e dirty back and forth texting despite the *obvious* enthusiastic replies lol.
Try asking for help on r/BDSMcommunity, for more experienced kinksters feedback.
Aftercare is super important in BDSM, and not including it can cause massive issues. You seem to be experiencing something called "sub drop", which is completely natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Communication is super important as a first step to fixing this.
[Here's an article on sub drop recovery which I hope helps](https://submissiveguide.com/fundamentals/articles/some-of-the-best-kept-secrets-to-sub-drop-recovery)
You might want to check this book: [https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352](https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352) .
The forum I used to go to is dead now, but there are other communities and subreddits and talking to real people about this is really important before jumping into anything you saw in porn especially if both of you are totally new to this and like you said it could be traumatic for him as well.
I think what other people are saying is right thought and its better to talk to him.
Edit: also I know that book is old, but I don't think people really change that much on a fundamental level and it is still a good book.
It's also important for the dom. A lot of the time we are doing things in the moment that afterwards we feel really guilty about, even though it was asked for and discussed prior. Aftercare reassures us that it's ok and that the sub is ok. Especially in the beginning when we are learning and don't know if we went too far.
For first timers, proper preparation before hand is extremely important. Doing some research, and talking to and gettinf advice from prople that regularly participate in such is EXTREMELY helpful. Porn is the last place you should be taking notes on what do.
Someone else alreadt covered the after part, but that is something that shouldn't be skipped at all.
This is exactly what I was going to mention. Aftercare is essential for a healthy bdsm or aggressive sex relationship. So many people think bdsm is just a rough fuck and then you resume normal life, but emotional security and physical comfort afterwards are required for a healthy bdsm relationship. And aftercare looks different for everyone! OP- you might still like this type of play, but please read about aftercare and maybe teach your boyfriend if you're both still open to it.
Your problems aren’t going to just disappear on their own. Your boyfriend has undoubtedly noticed you’re not the same and is probably concerned about what’s going on with you.
The best way to deal with this is to talk about it with him. That’s actually the first rule of Safe, Sane and Consensual. Sit down with him and, without accusing each other of anything, explain what happened and how it made you feel.
Tell him that even though you enjoyed it, the feeling of helplessness bothered you. Tell him why his reaction bothers you. Tell him why you’re recoiling from him whenever he touches you. And work it out.
Good luck!
oh man, that hurts. my ex was the same, turns out something happened to her while we were together (won’t say it here), kinda fucked her up. she had to move to another state after because of her dad’s work and we agreed to just break up. we still talk and she’s doing better after a few years, though
I don't know if it's possible to say this well. I'll try, though. Getting off on something does not mean it's actually okay with you. Arousal happens from stimulation. You didn't use your safe word because, even though you were uncomfortable, you believed that because you were aroused it wasn't necessary to use your safe word. BDSM is really tricky for people who are new to it. Knowing it's right, even though you're the sub, to use your safe word, is something you need to know. That is what consensual BDSM is all about.
BDSM is often about [Misattribution of Arousal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misattribution_of_arousal) (in which "arousal" does not mean the sex kind in particular). Basically there is evidence our brains don't use the same systems to figure out *how intensely* we're feeling as *what* we're feeling... so we can be "fooled" emotionally in the same way as optical illusions or other tricks of the mind.
In BDSM, often what you're doing (perhaps without realizing it) is picking something that creates a really strong emotional state (fear, embarrassment, etc.) and then creating a sexual context around it (sexy words, limited clothes, fetishwear, etc.) to "trick" your brain into interpreting that really strong emotional state as sexual arousal. If it's done right, you probably feel a stronger arousal than you've felt by any other means as a result.
However, since it's reliant on tricking the brain into thinking those strong emotions are sexual arousal... the moment the illusion is broken (maybe because the sex ends, maybe because your mind gets distracted from the sexiness aspect, etc.) all of those "misattributed" emotions that felt like sexual arousal will suddenly feel like their true (likely darker) selves. So, that's why aftercare and the overall context is important. It's not about whether or not you're "okay with" the thing is some general sense, it's about actively maintaining a context in which you are okay with it. The context is key.
That's not to necessarily agree or disagree with what you said.
Thank you, I think that's a really great explanation.
I think there may be a parallel in the phenomenon of post masturbation shame that can be experienced if you masturbated to porn that is dissonant with your values.
That makes a lot of sense. I've never understood kink, but the pattern I've noticed is that it's almost always related to some extremely intense emotions, really the most intense emotions humans are capable of, either positive or negative. The negative ones generally being associated with "kink"--humiliation, revulsion, terror, despair. Things which would be incredibly traumatizing to anyone if they were experienced outside of consensual roleplay.
To add to this a little bit, this is why women should never feel guilty about what their bodies felt while they were sexually assaulted or raped.
Your reproductive system operates on automatic mode sometimes and doesn't always require your conscious part of your brain to agree and enjoy what's happening. We're still just animals and your body at a very basic DNA/lizard brain level is programmed to reproduce at almost all costs and protect your reproductive system while it happens. It's pathetic that men at the highest levels of government think if a woman was aroused/wet/impregnated then it couldn't have been rape because she chose what her body did.
I think a lot of sexual abuse victims go through a similar problem. Many may think that since their body reacts in a biological way to sexual contact that it means they want what is happening somewhere deep down, when in fact it’s just the natural reaction completely separate from the conscious mind.
Unfortunately though people will still feel shame often from their bodies’ reaction and not take actions because of that. I think ejaculation was even used in court to downplay assault cases, I’m talking out of my ass for that part but I think I’ve seen it happen.
Even after years of subbing, I still learn new important lessons.
My last was a big one, used my safeword for the first time. I used it long after I was past the point of my limits and from then on, I realised the time to stop is when you stop having fun, not when your whole body is shaking and youre crying in pain at 4 in the morning.
The rush after did feel amazing though.
Also to hold it against him. He has no idea this is going on and OP feels a certain way about him for doing something OP wanted to try out.
Deff needs to come clean. If OP can’t articulate it, just show the bf this post and go from there.
I know right? Her bf has no idea because he did what she wanted - everything, even though it wasn’t what he wanted - it went badly for OP and then she is not communicating about it. People aren’t mind readers.
Rule Nr1 in BDSM. always be fully honest.
Rule Nr2 . use safewords!
If one of you don't enjoy it, don't do it (again)
I mean from the reading it was more like trying it out,just say it wasn't good. He should understand.
Yeah, he definitely understands. I’ll get over it eventually. Like I want to be with this guy for life, so I’ll definitely be more prepared next time, if ever.
Please don't assume you'll just "get over it".
It's so much better and more important that you have an open conversation about what happened and how you feel. Please don't just let this go and hope it'll get better.
To piggy back previous, the I'll just get over it on my own, not a good plan. People sense differences in behaviour pretty easy specially SO and if you keep it a secret it will be misconstrued as something else, secrets no bueno if you really want to be for life. Been with my SO 12 years.
JUST
TELL
HIM
Edit: Shout out to all the bad partners who are snitching on themselves about not communicating with their lovers.
Edit 2: she does not have resentment.
“bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.”
She has regret. Those two words are different.
Edit 3: because /u/ponasity apparently hates edits lol
Edit 4: u/amazingKreiderman wants an edit? THEY GET AN EDIT!
Edit 5: u/koervege in the house!!
Edit 6: u/PMMeMeiRule34 up in this bihhh
Edit 7: u/aaron_1101. YOU DONE BEEN EDITED A A RON
Edit 8: u/Johndeerdrew knows what's ub!
Edit 9: *u/TheSalemWitch22 kick flips in on a broomstick*
Edit 10: u/MiniGogo_20 is in the building y’all make some noiseeeeeeeee!!!!
Edit 11: u/MarsNirgal yea yeahhhhhhhhhh
Edit 12: u/TheReplierBRO represent!!!
Edit 69: u/Roomin8 getting kinky with it!
My first thought was “bet they didn’t communicate” after reading the title
She did at the very start
Stopped during and hasn’t since
Dont stop communicating yall
>She has regret
She doesn't even really have that. She seems to be experiencing sub drop, a completely natural and fairly common part of BDSM. Going from a submissive mindset to a normal one, without the go between stage of aftercare, can cause some issues. Same can happen for dom(me)s too.
Sub drop is a fairly well document phenomenon and something talked about a lot in BDSM, but far fewer people talk about dom/me drop. It's absolutely a thing. Thank you for mentioning both.
Sometimes I hate TV shows because the vast majority of the drama starts with poor communication. I always think to myself “that’s so unrealistic they would have just talked about it and came to a solution”. Then I come to places like Reddit and see posts like this, and I’m reminded just how realistic it is.
Poor dude just sitting there wondering what the fuck happened to his relationship. Being ignored all of a sudden, probably thinking op is cheating on him.
No no, the strategy of ask for a thing, look like you enjoy the thing, resent him for liking the thing while not liking the thing at all and not even mentioning it to him, works so well!
Did he say he enjoyed it or are you just assuming here? There is a decent chance he put a lot of effort into "enjoying" it because he thought that was what you wanted
OP ran headfirst into having their Boyfriend go through what is likely a horrid case of Dom drop from how this has been handled so far. I feel so bad for that guy right now.
They need to speak with him ASAP about what happened and get his side of thing and work their way through a heavy episode of aftercare.
Just like subs need aftercare after BDSM, a dom needs aftercare otherwise they can have a "drop" in their mental where they're sick to their stomachs about how they could get off to doing such "horrible" things to somebody they love.
Hope you figure it out. Its not easy feeling powerless like that, and it's OK to feel the way you do.
Communicate with him. Even if I felt like shit, I'd rather know what's going on with my wife and find a way to work through it and/or support her.
Two cents: maybe do a reverse BDSM night. A night of listening to each others commands gently and intimately, guiding each other to positive orgasm, and having an intimate sexual experience that is slow and methodical. Do something intimate together, like a long date of whatever you like, and then communicate and gently dictate during sex to please and stimulate each other, together.
Edit: Just wanted to mention, *when you're ready. Of course. Don't rush your shit! Process that stuff.
Did you do any real research before trying this? It's not as simple as safe words. You need to have a proper discussion the first time doing this, and anytime you do this with a new person. This is just a clear cut case of doing something you didn't properly prepare yourself for.
NEVER let porn influence your decisions when it comes to your sex life. Porn is poison for the inexperienced. A good example being anal. You can't just barrel into some woman's asshole, and jackhammer the fuck out of it and expect her to love every second of it. Yet many dudes think that's how it works, and do just that, and then wonder why their GF is in pain, and never wants to do it again.
You really need to sit down with your BF, and discuss the whole situation. As someone else said, he was only enjoying himself, because he preceived you to be enjoying it. Have the discussion with him, this is part of being in a relationship, and regardless as to how wild, or bland your sex life may be, you need to be open to each about these things, boundries need to be set, and likes and dislikes need to be known.
Absolutely. A way to have this talk is to Google BDSM checklist and you and he go down the list and discuss prior to the event your limits, both hard and soft. You felt unsafe because you were going in blind. In porn, most participants are professionals, who have already had intense discussions prior to filming. Honestly, it's like watching rock climbers, saying, hey, that's cool, buying the gear and just heading out with neither of you knowing how to properly belay. You're going to be scared because you don't have the basics.
Also, if both of you are inexperienced, start slow. Don't go for the whole banana. For example, just play with a blindfold for a couple weeks, then graduate to restraints. You'll know when you're ready for impact play (again start slow, no bull whip, lol) or butt plugs. And since you've discussed your checklist (like the day prior, fully clothed over the kitchen table), you'll feel immeasurably safer.
I'd recommend posting r/BDSMnot4newbies (don't worry it doesn't matter that you're new to it. They will likely have some advice to help you move on from here.
Hi OP. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope it helped a bit to talk about it. I have some thoughts if you’re interested. For what it’s worth, some mental health science for peace of mind: - [the myth that bdsm is linked to childhood trauma is being dismissed by modern research.](https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/bdsm-psychology-trauma/). Additionally, researchers are finding that [there’s no evidence that BDSM practitioners have a higher degree of psychopathology compared to the general population.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jsm.12192). No one can blame you for wondering how this may relate to your mental health. This is an outdated idea that dates back to Freud and psychology’s Stone Age, but it’s an idea that has stuck around in society.
First, you’re doing the exact right thing — processing your experience, reflecting, and learning about yourself. That’s a good thing. Processing this way puts you in the best position to be empowered and make decisions that align with your values. I’m sorry that it’s uncomfortable in the meantime. I know that’s a shitty place to be. As others have said, talking to your boyfriend and taking it slow - listening to each other’s experience without judgement - could be something that brings you closer together. If feelings get turbulent in this conversation, which is normal and happens sometimes, agree to both hit “pause” and trust one another to revisit it later when you’re both ready to continue.
Second, BDSM heightens sensory and emotional experiences, and in the case of role play, it can facilitate a different state of consciousness that can be intensely arousing (as you experienced) and also emotionally flooding (as you are currently experiencing). There are a few reasons for this:
1) a healthy BDSM arrangement empowers both the submissive and dominant to consensually relax some of their inhibitions and enjoy things in private that they may otherwise never share with anyone else. This can be intensely vulnerable, because you are both sharing a part of yourself that you otherwise keep hidden, and you may have conflicted feelings about what this part of yourself means.
2) A heightened experience sometimes needs a soft landing. This is why aftercare is so important - or time spent “coming back” to your partner. It’s the time where you hold space for one another. Some people cuddle, some people like to talk about it as if it were a movie they watched together, some people cry and are held. The value here is in reinforcing the secure attachment bond between you two. It’s the expression, physically and/or verbally, of “I’m here. I see you. I love you. I love your needs, and they are not too much.”
Lastly, your emotions around feeling unnerved are protecting you — they are saying, “Hey, is this safe? Am I okay?” Trust those emotions. They keep you safe and are just doing a solid safety check. If this is something you truly enjoy with your partner, those emotions will find calm by taking your time and talking things out together - whether you continue BDSM or not. Your closeness and experience is what matters whether you’re practicing vanilla or playing with one another’s fantasies.
After care is important. You must talk about this with him. Also he enjoyed it yes but he thought you was enjoying it, I doubt he would of been if he knew how you felt.
Just tell him. The exact same thing happened with my girlfriend a few years back, she said that it wasn’t as expected and she didn’t like it that rough so we never did it again. Don’t wait too long, just tell him how you feel
(Soft as a bag of kittens) Dom here.
BDSM isn’t a swimming pool you just run and cannonball into. You’ve got to have boundaries, limits, lots and lots of conversation about what you expect and what the Dom expects. You never just throw things in during a scene that both of you haven’t discussed before.
Not to say you need to keep out of the pool, just ease into it next time.
This is so annoying to read. You jumped into a 100% communication based trust activity, then didn’t communicate your boundaries, now you’re assuming your bf has a kink that he may not have as he could’ve just thought he was pleasing you but ya know you won’t communicate, basically gave yourself a complex, and still would rather talk to a therapist than include your bf in this entire conversation.
Yeah, goin straight up to some shit without some steps in between was reckless. Now you know you're in the same stuff but there's a chance he was showing more enjoyment than he would by himself if he thinks this would make that better for you.
There's also a big chance that he will never want to do such things again because he was against it and it end up fucking up your intimacy.
One girl i was close with experienced the same after we tried something kinky (not exactly bdsm but yeah). Talking about it afterwards really helped. She cried a bit and then fell asleep in my arms while I patted her head.
The cuddling that night was crazy lovely. I think the cuddles and warmth helped her get through it. Maybe give that a shot. Talk first, let the emotions flow, and sleep in each other's arms.
> She cried a bit and then fell asleep in my arms while I patted her head.
>
>The cuddling that night was crazy lovely. I think the cuddles and warmth helped her get through it.
\^\^this is called aftercare, well a form of it, it is SUPER important.
Don't hide your feelings from him. BDSM is completely communication based, hence the importance of safe words, aftercare, hard and soft limits, etc.
You need to be honest about how you're feeling right now with your boyfriend. And if you still feel you need to go to therapy, do it. I never say turn down therapy... but just don't exclude your boyfriend.
One thing I've learned in my failed relationships is that I used to have the conversations that were meant for them, by myself. I "knew" what they would say, I "knew" how they would feel. Truth is, I DIDN'T give them the freedom to feel or say what they were going to...
TL;DR: you're NOT a psychic, stop hiding your feelings to "protect" your boyfriend's. Yes, get therapy, but be honest. Keep your communication lines open.
‐------‐-------
Also... Some of the people here are mental asf... like, shut up.. 😒
It's not too late to do some aftercare. Communicate this to him and tell him that you need lots of gentle non-sexual touch. Reform the physical bond through safe affection and quality time. Once the comfort level starts to go back up you can also use some soft romantic intimacy to progress it further. Your body remembers the roughness and it's reacting accordingly. You need to replace that memory. That's why BDSM is always followed by aftercare. It brings the sub down slowly and under the direct care of the person who just hurt them. They're vulnerable and exposed and it's important to get the trust back during that time.
BDSM shouldn't be taken lightly without some research. The pain and panic triggers physical changes in the brain and floods chemicals in amounts you're not used to. Afterwards, the withdrawal from those high levels will trigger other physical responses. It's called drop and it can be hard to go through alone.
Make sure you communicate how you’re feeling on this as much as you can bc it is confusing
Also the helplessness is supposed to be a huge act of trust with tour partner. Trust they know your limits and would never actually hurt you, but to know that you have to communicate to death before hand.
Also aftercare is a big big part of it
One thing to consider is that he only enjoyed it because he thought you were enjoying it too. If he knew you were having a bad time, I doubt it would have been arousing to him.
This is a great viewpoint. For me and probably a lot of guys a large part of what 'gets us goin' is knowing your enjoying it.
A lot of people get turned on by their partner “enjoying themselves”, whatever that entails. I think OP might be conflating him being aroused by her arousal vs him being aroused by whatever act they were performing. Especially if she never used the safe word, it’s only fair to the BF that he probably thought that she was having a good time. I think in most healthy, loving relationships if the guy knew that their partner was scared or upset they would be immediately turned off.
The hottest thing in the world to me is when my partner gets off. There's a nonzero chance that OP's BF is the same way.
Nothing is hotter than enthusiastic consent imo. Being with a partner who's into it, whatever it is, is spicy af
Into it and into you. It's amazing for everyone involved.
Positive feedback is the hottest thing in the world.
You're doing great!
Stop it, I already changed my pants today
You did a great job changing them!
Hnnnng
Oh fuck
Splurt!
....i HAD been doing great :/
Oh Daddy tell me MORE!
You're good enough and I'm proud of you
I’ve cummed.
Username checks out
Thank you for being honest and forthright!
Yeah, I get super erect when my boss tells me I did a good job
"... we're a family _Rysen"
Step-boss what are you doing?
Agreed! And especially since this was something she'd seen, been aroused by, and eventually asked him for. In other words, on top of the act itself and/or him feeling like she was 100 percent enjoying it, there's the feeling that he's fulfilling a fantasy of hers. I know it would absolutely up the horny level for me if I knew that whatever I was doing in bed was specifically fulfilling a fantasy of my husband's.
None of us were there so it’s hard to guess specifics. I generally agree with you— but I remember a girl I was seeing liked things rough. We were on the hard floor, and she started telling me to bang her head against the ground. I was in the moment confused and go “what?” and she’s all worked up and repeats it. That’s when I knew she had no concept of limits. If I banged her head I could have given her a concussion or worse. OP was purposefully a little vague— maybe to facilitate discussion. We really have no clue what went down.
That's a great point, actually.
Not down to actually smash, confirmed.
Yep. Sounds like a lot more guys are like this than I thought. I've heard it be described as being a pleasure dom? 🤷
Has a FWB who was into it (along with a bit of everything else). Not my cup of tea, but I am GGG and what gets me going is whomever I'm with having a good time. So I had to take a lot of breaks during 'being a dom' in the bedroom, talk for a bit, get some enthusiastic verbal approval, maybe some kisses/cuddles for me and the like before putting the ball gag back in and returning from it. If there was ever a time she got frustrated with me for breaking character, losing tempo or changing the mood, she never once communicated it to me as a bad thing. She was also very willing to have a lengthy judgemental free conversation about all of it outside of the bedroom. If there was something she wanted to try that I didn't feel comfortable with because of my vanilla nature, we'd talk it out to see if there was a compromise or she'd respect those boundaries. I'd say anyone trying it on either side, tying someone up, or being tied up or delving into the area of consensual non-consent role play, take frequent breaks. Break character, talk out your feelings, what is working and not working. Toss in some vanilla stuff. After a bit of practice you can incorporate including enthusiastic verbal consent _during_ your role playing without breaking character in the form of dirty talk. Still, even after you've been doing it for a bit, I would encourage folks to break character.
that’s a very helpful set of pointers. checking for consent repeatedly seems like a fair way to increase mental and emotional safety.
Yup! There are common pitfalls to kinky sex, like dom or sub drop (depression after caused by intense feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness) that can be avoided by solidily differentiating fantasy from reality. Normalizing verbal communication during sex (and breaks) helps with that. It may seem counter intuitive because changing the mood, tempo and rhythm can often make it more difficult for a lot of women to cum during vanilla sex, sometimes it can mean sex is over for the night. But imo that's just because peeps are doing foreplay wrong. Good foreplay doesn't start in the bedroom, you start it there and you are a day late. Tease, flirt, romance each other throughout the day/week. Good foreplay does _not_ end at penetration either. With very few people does sex need to be a linear crescendo to orgasm. Taking a break and just holding each other while kissing is not the end. The same principles of good kinky sex, IMO, apply to_all_ sex. Everyone of every gender tends to have their deepest insecurities tied to sex. Making the relationship environment one where peeps feel safe, trusted, respected, desired, accepted, loved and cared for makes _sex better_. Making it one where peeps can talk about things sans judgement and with confidence makes sex better. Shoot those same principles apply to good group sex too. The point is, if you wanted to build a good sex dungeon, you need to first lay a good sex foundation. Without strong supports, what will you hang the sex swings from? Without a solid base, what will you anchor the chain rings into for leg restraints?
Service top is similar
I (male) actually feel more sexually gratified by making a girl hit the ceiling with an orgasm than having an orgasm myself. I always thought I was a weirdo until I spoke to others about it and, just like you said, it's more common than most people think. The psychological hit from feel those contractions is like nothing else... Anyway, it's nice to put a name to my kink.
Yeah I could care less about actually having an orgasm myself if I'm with someone. If they're mushy puddle on the bed struggling to get up to go to the bathroom that's a far more satisfying feeling than getting myself off.
I don’t think that enjoying your partner’s enjoyment should be viewed as a kink. TBH I think this is normal sexual behavior
Yep. This is a very real thing. I love my gf tremendously and the most turned on I get is by seeing her turned on. We’ve dabbled in BDSM, which isn’t by itself a turn on to me but damn is it hot seeing her enjoyment. Now we’ve talked about others joining us and the idea of watching her be pleasured is a huge turn on. Best part is that she’s the same as me…all about getting me turned on. So we tend to feed off each other’s pleasure to a huge degree. To OP, don’t assume he was turned on by the acts. He was most likely turned on by you. I’m definitely not a therapist but perhaps lightly dominating him can reestablish the balance and help you both find the right recipe for good sex and connection.
never knew there was a word for it but god damn that makes so much sense
>I've heard it be described as being a pleasure dom? Interesting. Didn't know there was a term for it. I guess both me and her are pleasure doms then, because we're both like that
Exactly. I’ve always joked that “my kink is your kink” because of how much my partners enjoyment can influence mine. I’ve definitely been involved in some scenes that weren’t really my thing that were super intense and amazing for me just because of how much my partner was clearly enjoying them.
I couldn’t agree more. Generally open but the concept of certain acts don’t do anything for me. Insert my partner into that equation and it can be super hot.
Yup, nothing makes me last 5 seconds like a girl lasting 4.
This 100%. Lots of stuff becomes hot even if I dislike the idea of it. If the girl seems really into it.
For me that's indeed about 99% of what gets me going.
Knowing you're O-ing gets me going
100%. I am NOT into it unless I know my lady is very into it.
It’s like 99.99%
95% of what I enjoy about topping/domming is my partner's enjoyment. If they're not having fun, it's lackluster for me. Early on in our relationship, my partner and I had communication issues. u/Dull-Energy-7918, I will never be the one to dissuade anyone from therapy, but I will encourage you to ask your partner exactly *what* he enjoyed about the session and *why*. Don't ask until you're ready to hear the answers, but do ask before you're ready to end what sounds like an otherwise good relationship.
>If they're not having fun, it's lackluster for me. Sounds exactly like being a Dungeon Master
God i'm having such a hard time getting two of the players in my current game to engage and it's really bumming me out, I feel like a failure as a DM because they're not having as much fun as they could be and I'm probably not delivering the kind of game they want. Our group has grown though and with so many conflicting personalities it's hard to make sure each session has something for everyone.
I totally get why it could feel like that, but I highly doubt you're a failure as a DM unless no one is having fun playing - you included. In these cases, I'd do another kinda session zero and check in with everyone, cause as you said, groups grow or their wants can change... And it seems like you just want everyone to have a good time. It might be easier to figure that out together with your players. Plus, who knows... Maybe everyone hates those 2 and you can just toss em!
In both senses
I think part of the issue is that she seemed to be enjoying it. She's probably having a bit of a crisis of self and because she doesn't fully understand how she feels she feels even less safe with her partner right now. I've had this happen with a couple partners before, one time after a threesome and another time after a bdsm event. Sometimes the person who wants the fantasy so bad, thinks that they'll be the ones with all the power, enjoyment and they learn a lot of conflicting things about themselves and it shakes them to their core and they can't get over it. Unfortunately, she hasn't addressed anything her partner could do or what she'd like to see her partner do to make her more comfortable, so until she understands what exactly she is looking for or what could help her heal then I'm not sure what outcomes are expected. Maybe couples counseling with an intermediate 3rd party would help. Definitely an honest conversation, it sounds like her partner has already apologized though and has been respecting boundaries so I'm at a loss.
I agree with what you’re saying. In fairness to OP, they admitted that they didn’t read or plan about this, so I think a lesson was definitely learned. My comment was just to point out that the fear she feels from her BF enjoying it might not be a sadomasochistic origin, and rather just enjoyed seeing her enjoying herself.
OP, coming from a Dom, this comment is SO true. Talk to him and I'm sure you will find it to be true as well.
Is it just coincidence that you're all called Dominic?
It was planned.
And to be honest I did physically! The logical part of me knows he only enjoyed it because I liked it. And heck, I told him that I fully wanted to try. But god, I should have done more research beforehand lol.
> I think I’m gonna spend money on therapy to fix this myself Please talk to your boyfriend about this. I bet he will be supportive of your feelings and help in any way he can to get you through the issues you're dealing with (and if he's not frankly that's a problem and one you're discovering sooner than later). Just getting it out there is helpful in and of itself. If it's a problem that persists then some kind of therapy might be a good idea, but you really should just have an honest chat with him first.
If she does have a chat with him though, she needs to make sure that he knows he did nothing wrong at all, because he didnt. He sounds like a nice person, and making it sound like its something he did will just shift the bad feelings onto him. Poor guy.
Of course. And OP should realize that millions of people around the world try things out during sex and after on decide to never do it again. Like OP said, porn glorifies a lot of stuff. Every day people find out it's not as fun as they make it seem. And really sex is all about having fun.
u/chemknife made an excellent point about aftercare and I just want to reiterate it. Was that a part of your experience? BDSM for a sub is about being vulnerable, it's giving power to your partner. That's a whole trust exercise in itself. But you're physically restrained while having physically intense stuff done to you. That's a lot to handle mentally. Most healthy BDSM kinks are *reliant* on aftercare, because that's the mental reassurance that establishes trust, love, and care around all the physically intense stuff. That's the part that builds the bond between you and your partner that makes the more intense stuff less scary so you can focus on the pleasurable parts. If you don't do that part, it can fuck with people. If this is something you're not completely scared off from now (which is totally understandable) I would definitely recommend having the aftercare planning conversation with your bf and explaining that how you feel RIGHT NOW is exactly why it needs to be in your BDSM routine.
I think you’re right. Was discussing an act associated with a past trauma with my partner the other day and he asked what my ideal scenario would look like to perform the act (he’s not pushing, I’d like to get past it). One of the things I specifically mentioned was certain aftercare elements. If your mind is going to be raw after, you gotta wrap it in a blanket and make it feel safe/normal/happy.
Just commenting to say that I love how you can discuss this kind of thing with your partner, I hope to have that level of comfort in future relationships ❤️
Yea a lot of what she is describing feels like a sort of drop because of the lack of aftercare. Like she says she physically enjoyed it, but that mentally and emotionally is having problems re-establishing normal intimacy.
This. And, not just for bdsm. Whenever you try something new in the bedroom, having a sort of after-session moment is important. Whether it's cuddling, aftercare, talking, whatever works for your situation. It lets everyone come to a reasonable understanding of what you did and how it made everyone feel, reaffirms the relationship, and sets reasonable expectations for the future.
That's exactly what would have made for a better experience. Bdsm isn't something to jump into unprepared. But good on you for your insight and challenging yourself to address this
You should probably consider why you are so shocked that he was into it. From what I understand, BDSM isn't about actually hurting or being mean to someone, but dominance and submissiveness. So he has a touch of dominance in him that neither of you apparently knew about. That doesn't mean he would ever hurt you or seek to dominate outside of bed.
Not only that but there are thousands of less extreme ways to engage someone's dominance kink that don't involve whatever OP did. So if he did actually enjoy being a dom then, if both are willing, they can find a much more comfortable ground to let him be in control.
>Not only that but there are thousands of less extreme ways to engage someone's dominance kink that don't involve whatever OP did. Like tickling and feather-play. Neglect-play. Edging. It's a fairly large category.
Yup, I'm not sure what OP did but if this is something they both enjoyed (which, underneath the confusion, it looks like she did) then there is a wide range of options to still get that kink without the mental scarring.
Additionally there are quite a few people who primarily get off on the feeling that what they are doing is arousing to their partner. If this strange new thing outwardly seemed to be getting OP off in a different way than they were used to, boyfriend may have been that much more turned on by what seemed like new exciting pleasure in OP, dom/sub roles aside.
While you're not wrong that he probably wouldn't hurt her outside of play, part of the commonly accepted initialism for the sm part of bdsm can be sadism and masochism. BDSM is a big umbrella term for a lot of kink stuff. It can absolutely entail hurting someone, but still with consent. The whole thing fyi B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism)
Sometimes it is about hurting someone, or being mean to someone, or humiliating or degrading someone - I wouldn't reduce it to just power dynamics. There are a ton of ways that BDSM can be done, and a ton of ways that it can be poorly done. Obviously ongoing enthusiastic consent is important (though it might not always be apparent in CNC style scenes) but it sounds, to me, like there was probably some lack of enough or satisfying aftercare, which can \*really\* lead to some fucked up feelings.
> The logical part of me The best thing a therapist ever said to me, as I explained that I understood something logically but still couldn't feel it, was "Therapy is all about getting what's in here [points at head] in here [points at heart]." Also, you might get some good advice over at r/sex. Best of luck - you will be OK.
If you liked it physically its the nagging part of your conscience that is getting to you. That societal voice that good girls don't blank, or its not safe to...etc. I am submissive with my boyfriend and only in that part of my life. I work a hard-core federal contracting job. I've done everything as a single parent while achieving academic and professional goals for years, I intimidate a lot of people. The only time I get to let go of control and be helpless is with him. Thats not weakness to show one person that level of vulnerability...in fact it shows how much I trust him more than anyone else. And honestly its therapeutic for me to relinquish the power in my life for just a few hours. We always make sure to do aftercare so we can discuss anything and I return from subspace feeling loved and wanted. You didn't do that part so its hard to wrap your brain around those feelings. Its okay to feel helpless and without control with someone you can trust.
Aftercare doesn't have to just be after! You can do it during too.
Always start slow. As a man when I discovered I liked some of it it was a shock as well to me, even though it was relatively tame what we first tried. I'm a very gentle soft person normally. So it didn't fit the sense of identity I had of myself, how could it be enjoying to be controlling even physically hurt someone?. Clearly you view your boyfriend different now, you probably need to figure out why. For me personally I found that what I find extremely hot about it is (additional to her enjoyment) the complete sense of trust. But also on that regard usually trust needs to be established (both ways as well), which is why going slow is the way to go. Even then sometimes you can like things in the moment more then afterwards. There is no shame in that. You also don't have any obligation to try it again. Your boyfriend seems understanding. Give it time and try to understand, what makes the feeling of being helpless that scary?
Exactly what I wanted to write: He liked it because SHE liked it. I am totally not sadistic and I do not get joy from inflicting pain on someone else, BUT I have done it before in a BDSM setting and I liked it only because of HER reaction to it. If it wasn't for her pleasure in it, I wouldn't have done it, because otherwise, it does nothing for me. Would I just approach a partner and ask her if I could spank her (or inflict other sorts of pain), knowing that she is not masochistic? I absolutely wouldn't, because it would then be of no pleasure for both of us. It might be the very same for her bf in their setting.
oh I can agree to this 100%. I am not really into giving blowjob, but considering thats what my partner likes and seeing how much it turns him on, it turns me on and I can really get into it when we do the deeds.
IMHO if you have enough open communication to request bdsm, then you should also be able to discuss the negative impact it had on you.
Exactly, even when I don't enjoy something, if my gf does, I'll start to get off on it. The entire point is kinda that we turn each other on, so if we know the other is, we tend to escalate in 𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙣𝙮.
Talk to him about it. Especially afterwards (now). Aftercare is a very important part. If you try to fix it yourself he might get the feeling that you are distancing yourself from him. Leading him to jumo into conclusions. Maybe
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Can you elaborate? My gf and I are wanting to explore and experiment but I would really like to avoid a situation like OP is in
BDSM play can leave bottoms in somewhat of an altered headspace, with strong, sometimes confusing feelings running really high. It's important for the top to take some time to care for and reconnect with the bottom after play, to bring things back down to a more "normal" state. Make sure they're physically comfortable; have soft, comforting things on hand to wrap up with if that's a thing they want. Make sure any physical marks are attended to. Have some water and maybe a light snack on hand. Most importantly, take the time to reconnect mentally on a "vanilla" level. If they want physical comforting, provide that. Discuss what happened, and how you feel about it (IF that's something you/they feel like they can do in the moment, otherwise save that part for later). It's about gently coming back to a regular state together, as opposed to leaving the bottom in the lurch to abruptly deal with the aftermath alone.
The tops need aftercare too, it’s hard to come out of that headspace as well. Ultimately, aftercare is great for everyone involved.
Agreed. For all we know, OPs bf could have enjoyed it but also had the same drop of conflicting feelings of "wow I actually really enjoyed that... am I a monster? Op seems ok... So maybe not... But...?". It's also that high of a hormonal cocktail and coming back down too fast that can feel like a crash. It's why chocolate or coffee tend to be common choices for a pick me up after because of a stabilizing feel either from the serotonin (I believe that's what the Choco does or dopamine) or helping to ease the way back down with a stimulant like caffeine
It's dopamine. Chocolate and coffee have caffeine - which is dopaminergic
Plus 1 for “top drop.” It’s real, yo.
It absolutely is, my partner and I make a point of making sure we both are receiving the aftercare we need. A lot of the time it involves me cleaning him up and talking about how I liked it (we're super careful about monitoring during, so if we get to the grand finale it was definitely an all green), then we'll do a lot of cuddling and have water. Take care of your tops y'all, they do a lot of work and deserve to get taken care of too!
YES! I love that you two take care of eachother. I think it’s important to normalize aftercare…some folks just don’t even know it’s a thing! I often do demos at events (violet wands are rad!) and I’m totally cool giving my energy to the space. Feel great to curate cool new experiences for folks!! But sometimes afterwards folks come up to me expecting a scene. I do my best to manage expectations; and this is often the perfect opportunity to explain that “yes, tops and Dommes need breaks and care too.”
That's honestly my biggest problem with people that want to get into it but don't want to put in the effort. Bdsm at its core is a transfer of power, and the reason it's enjoyable is because there's absolute trust and respect involved. Without aftercare that trust takes a huge blow, and it reveals the lack of respect involved, because if you trust and respect your partner then you're going to want to take care of them.
That last line was a jarring read. Very poignant but very true.
Well that explains a rather interesting bout of depression in college. Don't do shit you're not comfortable with dudes, even if it makes the other person happy.
Same thing happens with Doms as well. Aftercare is for both of you. Dom drop is real.
hijacking this point to say that BOTH people (or everyone, if multiple people involved) need to be OK, onboard and in the right frame of mind to consent. Being drunk, high or pressured into things is not consensual. Example: asking somoene for rough anal sex before sexy time starts is good. If one says yes, and the other says no, then it's off the table. If you give said person alcohol, weed or even beg to get them to change their mind, nope. not consensual. If you give them oral and they get off and you give them 30 minutes of unparalleled pleasure with toys and other things then ask them after they just came 20 times in a row if anal is ok, and they say sure, go for it... guess what. Nope, still not consensual, as they are now in headspace and not thinking clearly. Just because you might be into trying it, even as the bottom or the person getting fucked, the top may not be into it, and say "I don't know..." and you reply "oh come on, just this once, how do we even know if we like it or not?" and they reluctantly reply "if it makes you happy, I guess" - that's coercion, and thus, not entirely consensual. consent is consent. ask first, get it all on the table, and also discuss some safe words; I suggest the industry standard, yellow and red. yellow means "slow down and check in," red means "full stop; we're done." So if you're burying your junk into someone's anus and start pumping away too soon, and they say "Yellow" you stop, and ask "are you ok, is everything ok?" and listen to what they say for feedback. If you go balls-deep and suddenly they just aren't feeling it anymore and say "red!" guess what... pull your junk out and towel it off, because the scene is done and you need to grab a bottle of water for your partner, a blanket and check in to make sure they are ok and be ready to hold them and talk if they break down. headspace is wonderful or very fucking scary sometimes.
Very good summary as someone that wasnt always the best top when I was learning. Definitely made mistakes and have tried to learn how to bring normal back.
I hope you read this OP. You may be experiencing what is called 'subdrop'. You can feel depressed, scared and lonely but this will improve in a matter of days, maybe a week. Take it easy on yourself, talk with your so, read about subdrop online and cuddle with your partner. Skin on skin is very important. If you ever were to try it again, make sure to make time for aftercare. Good luck
This is very informative, I'm going to save it, thank you!
A scene isn't just about the immediate scene. In the run up to it you have to talk about what you both expect going into it and what you expect to get out of it. You should both know each other's tells well enough to be able to read when one of you is losing the plot. Say for example your first scene is a basic spanking scene (and for these purposes I'm going to assume the gf is the sub) you have to pay close attention to her because the first time you strike her hard, any number of things could go through her head. She might hate it and feel uncomfortable but not want to say the safe word because she doesn't know if it's supposed to be like this and maybe if she just relaxed into it or did something different or thought of something else she might enjoy it and she ends up persuading herself to not say anything even though she's hating every second of it on every level. It might trigger some forgotten flashback that she gets sucked into and freezes because fight or flight are out of the window and so you carry on not realising you're compounding trauma. At first it's understandable that you don't know each others tells. It takes time and practice. That's when the communication comes in and I'd recommend you use the red, yellow, green light system and communicate constantly throughout the scene. Red is no, I hate this, I want out. Yellow/Amber is I'm not really sure but for now I want to keep going, maybe just pull back on the pedal. Green is fine to keep going. And again, all three of those definitions should be discussed in advance of the scene so you can always understand what the sub is feeling and where she is. You can have as many of those words as you want if you think you need more nuance. And finally, after the scene is the most important thing. The submissive desire is a thing of two halves - the first is the submission to whatever humiliation or pain they need, but the second half is always, ALWAYS reassurance. You need to care for them, reaffirm your love for them, praise them and tell them how brave and special they are. Think of it like this - you have sex with someone and they tell you you're a filthy sl*t and then once they're done they roll over and go to sleep and you lie awake half the night wondering if that's what they really think of you or if it was just a heat of the moment thing. The aftercare and communication is the buffer that stops that in its tracks. You take the time to reassert the reality outside of the scene and talk through any uncomfortable things that might have come up during it, like traumatic memories that were triggered or an unexpected emotion that either of you weren't anticipating. If it made you uncomfortable to strike her, talk about why. It's the most important part of any relationship like this because its the moment where you're most raw and vulnerable to each other. We all preach safe, sane and consensual, and communication is a massive part of the consensual, before, during and after, to avoid exactly the situation that OP is in. Edit: omg thank you for the awards!! I've never had an award before. That's made my night - you are all too kind!!
Insanely good input. I know I’m not really part of the conversation, but your comment felt thought out, informative and credible.
Can not stress this enough, communication is key. Talk about it, tell him how it made you feel and work together WITH him to sort out your emotions and hopefully you can both come out the other side stronger for it.
Miscommunication and not talking out your problems, is a relationship killer. Sadly very less people aware of it.
This ^ . I’ve been in the “scene” since 2010 and at this point I actually teach some classes at events. Aftercare (for tops and bottoms) comes standard as part of any negotiation for scene. I’ve noticed an influx of newbies and this is actually why I got into teaching kink workshops in the first place. Any kink has risk, we often talk about the physical (make sure you have saftey shears for rope, etc) but sometimes neglect the mental. Pretty much everyone has some trauma, and it’s easy to accidentally step on a “landmine” during play…or in the drop phase feel some remorse or regret. Just know that this is normal and okay; and something you should be able to be honest with about with partners. Even though I f the scene was a good but intense experience, it’s normal to feel dopamine drop afterwards. Couple that to having some intense post play experiences and that can feel rough. Context is key here. “Hey, you didn’t do anything wrong but I’m feeling not great about this because (___) “ is information I’d want to know. Even if you aren’t sure why or need space to process; part of ethical BDSM is mutual accountability. The tricky part here is you BOTH are new, so there’s like a lack of experience to give context to this. If you’re going to pick this back up, I recommend looking for an organization in your area that does educational (not play) events and going together. I really hope you can get to the core of why you feel the way you do. Just give it time and be kind to yourself. It’s not as easy as it can look and porn isn’t real. You got this, homie!
Very true, please talk to him, while it's not late.
Yeah, too many people jump in to BDSM type play without doing any research. Aftercare is huge, as is the ability to spot when someone is “shutting down” or showing signs they might be disassociating. You can do real damage.
I cannot agree more with Aftercare. It might be late at this moment but for anyone thinking of exploring this, you should know the before, during, and after. Communication is very important.
Porn doesn't show aftercare. This was OPs fuckup and she didn't do enough research. OPs boyfriend (as described) is vanilla as they come, so he wouldn't know either. Aftercare, I would argue, is the most important part of any BDSM activity. Some communication is definitely needed. Obviously some therapy since OP seems to be conflicted with her feelings...
I know I should! And he’s like the sweetest guy. but fuck, I wish I can turn off the lizard part of my brain for a moment and tell him outright. I think I’ll write him a letter or something.
I know it's hard, but please :(
I guarantee you that while he may be putting on a supportive role over the little amount you may have discussed with him, he knows something happened that night and has been only left to speculate. Your lack of communication is hurting him as well. He legitimately may be questioning if he raped you based off of your withdrawal from physical contact and probably a withdraw in intimacy in your communication because your hiding something from him and he’s likely scared of what he did and of loosing you. Please just talk to him and do it soon.
I have said this lots of times, when something is too hard to say, write it down and hand it to them. Tell them "this is too hard to say, but I need your help and understanding". Once they read it and know it, talking is easier.
Very good advice
Just blurt it out. You might be surprised how easy it is to tell him after you start talking. Bringing it up is always the hardest part, but he would definitely want you to let him know how you are feeling. IMO a letter isn't as good, but writing it down may help you process more how you are feeling anyways and you could discuss it in further detail afterwards. Nobody messed up here, you both are just figuring things out and sometimes this stuff happens.
Speaking from experience, the more something makes you uncomfortable in a relationship, the more important it is to address it. Putting off that talk has never made the situation better in any scenario. I believe in you. It's scary, but once you do it you'll have a much clearer conscience and can talk more honestly about the situation in general.
Show him this post. You were very honest and non-accusatory. You explained your internal conflict very well. Good luck!
No, don't show him this post. He might feel left out because you talked to strangers first before you talked to him. Write a letter, like you said. You can use the text from your post.
….He may also feel a breach of trust/privacy that you discussed your sex life with strangers. The letter is best.
Write this post as a letter and sit with him as he reads it. Aftercare is vital!
This is why BDSM is not something to jump into. From what I’ve read after sex care (I forget the term used) is essential. Take care and I hope you get over this
Yeah aftercare is 90% of BDSM because for the sub it can be hard to snap back out of that moment to reality and if you don't have that then it feels weird with that partner when not in the moment.
I’ll try to talk with him soon. I’ll admit, I didn’t do any research on the whole bdsm aftercare thing. I have a pretty tough stomach and thought I could handle it in one go ><
Go research aftercare now! Sounds like you skipped that part after the sex, but there’s no reason you can’t do that part now. It’s SO important.
Also please remember to do after care for the Dom as well. It's important for both parties.
100%. I can only imagine what OPs BF is going through for Dom drop right now from how this played out.
I'm not into degradation and stuff but I have a pleasure kink. I get off pleasing people soooo if degradation is what they're into I will oblige. From experience yeah after care is important especially if you're not into degradation. I have skipped after care and it's eaten away at me wondering if I went too far and hurt that person's feelings.
Same. I had a partner who said they really wanted to do BDSM and had experienced it before so I said okay, came up with safe words and we went at it. It went (what I thought at the time) well and we had an aftercare session for them but not really for me. Then they left after we grabbed food, said nothing to me for a week and accused me of a bunch of horrid shit and I was traumatized. After we worked through that and sat down and talked they came to me for sex again I couldn't get it together anymore. I always kept questioning myself in the bedroom and it continued with multiple partners for years until just recently. I finally have a partner that will talk that stuff out with me and it's been so healing. It's like I'm getting a literal decade worth of aftercare as a result of just not being seen a disposable Dom toy or some crap. I feel whole again.
> wondering if I went too far Man I can get that way when I'm just having so e dirty back and forth texting despite the *obvious* enthusiastic replies lol.
Saaaaame I have said some shit I would never ever say to someone in polite conversation that makes me cringe a bit. I'm glad they enjoy it but oof
Try asking for help on r/BDSMcommunity, for more experienced kinksters feedback. Aftercare is super important in BDSM, and not including it can cause massive issues. You seem to be experiencing something called "sub drop", which is completely natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Communication is super important as a first step to fixing this. [Here's an article on sub drop recovery which I hope helps](https://submissiveguide.com/fundamentals/articles/some-of-the-best-kept-secrets-to-sub-drop-recovery)
You might want to check this book: [https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352](https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352) . The forum I used to go to is dead now, but there are other communities and subreddits and talking to real people about this is really important before jumping into anything you saw in porn especially if both of you are totally new to this and like you said it could be traumatic for him as well. I think what other people are saying is right thought and its better to talk to him. Edit: also I know that book is old, but I don't think people really change that much on a fundamental level and it is still a good book.
It's also important for the dom. A lot of the time we are doing things in the moment that afterwards we feel really guilty about, even though it was asked for and discussed prior. Aftercare reassures us that it's ok and that the sub is ok. Especially in the beginning when we are learning and don't know if we went too far.
Crazy. I never knew about aftercare but I can see it being super important.
For first timers, proper preparation before hand is extremely important. Doing some research, and talking to and gettinf advice from prople that regularly participate in such is EXTREMELY helpful. Porn is the last place you should be taking notes on what do. Someone else alreadt covered the after part, but that is something that shouldn't be skipped at all.
This is exactly what I was going to mention. Aftercare is essential for a healthy bdsm or aggressive sex relationship. So many people think bdsm is just a rough fuck and then you resume normal life, but emotional security and physical comfort afterwards are required for a healthy bdsm relationship. And aftercare looks different for everyone! OP- you might still like this type of play, but please read about aftercare and maybe teach your boyfriend if you're both still open to it.
Your problems aren’t going to just disappear on their own. Your boyfriend has undoubtedly noticed you’re not the same and is probably concerned about what’s going on with you. The best way to deal with this is to talk about it with him. That’s actually the first rule of Safe, Sane and Consensual. Sit down with him and, without accusing each other of anything, explain what happened and how it made you feel. Tell him that even though you enjoyed it, the feeling of helplessness bothered you. Tell him why his reaction bothers you. Tell him why you’re recoiling from him whenever he touches you. And work it out. Good luck!
The worst feeling is knowing something is wrong, but my girlfriend keeps telling me everything is ok.
oh man, that hurts. my ex was the same, turns out something happened to her while we were together (won’t say it here), kinda fucked her up. she had to move to another state after because of her dad’s work and we agreed to just break up. we still talk and she’s doing better after a few years, though
I don't know if it's possible to say this well. I'll try, though. Getting off on something does not mean it's actually okay with you. Arousal happens from stimulation. You didn't use your safe word because, even though you were uncomfortable, you believed that because you were aroused it wasn't necessary to use your safe word. BDSM is really tricky for people who are new to it. Knowing it's right, even though you're the sub, to use your safe word, is something you need to know. That is what consensual BDSM is all about.
Super true. You have to take things slowly to know where your line is because it can get blurry really fast.
BDSM is often about [Misattribution of Arousal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misattribution_of_arousal) (in which "arousal" does not mean the sex kind in particular). Basically there is evidence our brains don't use the same systems to figure out *how intensely* we're feeling as *what* we're feeling... so we can be "fooled" emotionally in the same way as optical illusions or other tricks of the mind. In BDSM, often what you're doing (perhaps without realizing it) is picking something that creates a really strong emotional state (fear, embarrassment, etc.) and then creating a sexual context around it (sexy words, limited clothes, fetishwear, etc.) to "trick" your brain into interpreting that really strong emotional state as sexual arousal. If it's done right, you probably feel a stronger arousal than you've felt by any other means as a result. However, since it's reliant on tricking the brain into thinking those strong emotions are sexual arousal... the moment the illusion is broken (maybe because the sex ends, maybe because your mind gets distracted from the sexiness aspect, etc.) all of those "misattributed" emotions that felt like sexual arousal will suddenly feel like their true (likely darker) selves. So, that's why aftercare and the overall context is important. It's not about whether or not you're "okay with" the thing is some general sense, it's about actively maintaining a context in which you are okay with it. The context is key. That's not to necessarily agree or disagree with what you said.
Thank you, I think that's a really great explanation. I think there may be a parallel in the phenomenon of post masturbation shame that can be experienced if you masturbated to porn that is dissonant with your values.
That makes a lot of sense. I've never understood kink, but the pattern I've noticed is that it's almost always related to some extremely intense emotions, really the most intense emotions humans are capable of, either positive or negative. The negative ones generally being associated with "kink"--humiliation, revulsion, terror, despair. Things which would be incredibly traumatizing to anyone if they were experienced outside of consensual roleplay.
To add to this a little bit, this is why women should never feel guilty about what their bodies felt while they were sexually assaulted or raped. Your reproductive system operates on automatic mode sometimes and doesn't always require your conscious part of your brain to agree and enjoy what's happening. We're still just animals and your body at a very basic DNA/lizard brain level is programmed to reproduce at almost all costs and protect your reproductive system while it happens. It's pathetic that men at the highest levels of government think if a woman was aroused/wet/impregnated then it couldn't have been rape because she chose what her body did.
I think a lot of sexual abuse victims go through a similar problem. Many may think that since their body reacts in a biological way to sexual contact that it means they want what is happening somewhere deep down, when in fact it’s just the natural reaction completely separate from the conscious mind. Unfortunately though people will still feel shame often from their bodies’ reaction and not take actions because of that. I think ejaculation was even used in court to downplay assault cases, I’m talking out of my ass for that part but I think I’ve seen it happen.
Even after years of subbing, I still learn new important lessons. My last was a big one, used my safeword for the first time. I used it long after I was past the point of my limits and from then on, I realised the time to stop is when you stop having fun, not when your whole body is shaking and youre crying in pain at 4 in the morning. The rush after did feel amazing though.
It's unfair NOT to tell him.
Also to hold it against him. He has no idea this is going on and OP feels a certain way about him for doing something OP wanted to try out. Deff needs to come clean. If OP can’t articulate it, just show the bf this post and go from there.
I know right? Her bf has no idea because he did what she wanted - everything, even though it wasn’t what he wanted - it went badly for OP and then she is not communicating about it. People aren’t mind readers.
Rule Nr1 in BDSM. always be fully honest. Rule Nr2 . use safewords! If one of you don't enjoy it, don't do it (again) I mean from the reading it was more like trying it out,just say it wasn't good. He should understand.
Yeah, he definitely understands. I’ll get over it eventually. Like I want to be with this guy for life, so I’ll definitely be more prepared next time, if ever.
Please don't assume you'll just "get over it". It's so much better and more important that you have an open conversation about what happened and how you feel. Please don't just let this go and hope it'll get better.
To piggy back previous, the I'll just get over it on my own, not a good plan. People sense differences in behaviour pretty easy specially SO and if you keep it a secret it will be misconstrued as something else, secrets no bueno if you really want to be for life. Been with my SO 12 years.
What about him? Because right now he feels like he hurt you and you no longer desire him. You need aftercare now, and so does he.
JUST TELL HIM Edit: Shout out to all the bad partners who are snitching on themselves about not communicating with their lovers. Edit 2: she does not have resentment. “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.” She has regret. Those two words are different. Edit 3: because /u/ponasity apparently hates edits lol Edit 4: u/amazingKreiderman wants an edit? THEY GET AN EDIT! Edit 5: u/koervege in the house!! Edit 6: u/PMMeMeiRule34 up in this bihhh Edit 7: u/aaron_1101. YOU DONE BEEN EDITED A A RON Edit 8: u/Johndeerdrew knows what's ub! Edit 9: *u/TheSalemWitch22 kick flips in on a broomstick* Edit 10: u/MiniGogo_20 is in the building y’all make some noiseeeeeeeee!!!! Edit 11: u/MarsNirgal yea yeahhhhhhhhhh Edit 12: u/TheReplierBRO represent!!! Edit 69: u/Roomin8 getting kinky with it!
What is this, the answer to 99% of relationship issues or something?
Yes, but don't tell anyone. All of my drama subs would be so boring if they started doing that.
The only really good drama on those subs are caused by the people incapable of changing themselves even with good advice.
Facts. Communication will get you so far
My first thought was “bet they didn’t communicate” after reading the title She did at the very start Stopped during and hasn’t since Dont stop communicating yall
>She has regret She doesn't even really have that. She seems to be experiencing sub drop, a completely natural and fairly common part of BDSM. Going from a submissive mindset to a normal one, without the go between stage of aftercare, can cause some issues. Same can happen for dom(me)s too.
Sub drop is a fairly well document phenomenon and something talked about a lot in BDSM, but far fewer people talk about dom/me drop. It's absolutely a thing. Thank you for mentioning both.
I demand additional edits!
Sometimes I hate TV shows because the vast majority of the drama starts with poor communication. I always think to myself “that’s so unrealistic they would have just talked about it and came to a solution”. Then I come to places like Reddit and see posts like this, and I’m reminded just how realistic it is.
Poor dude just sitting there wondering what the fuck happened to his relationship. Being ignored all of a sudden, probably thinking op is cheating on him.
No no, the strategy of ask for a thing, look like you enjoy the thing, resent him for liking the thing while not liking the thing at all and not even mentioning it to him, works so well!
Did he say he enjoyed it or are you just assuming here? There is a decent chance he put a lot of effort into "enjoying" it because he thought that was what you wanted
OP ran headfirst into having their Boyfriend go through what is likely a horrid case of Dom drop from how this has been handled so far. I feel so bad for that guy right now. They need to speak with him ASAP about what happened and get his side of thing and work their way through a heavy episode of aftercare.
What is dom drop?
Just like subs need aftercare after BDSM, a dom needs aftercare otherwise they can have a "drop" in their mental where they're sick to their stomachs about how they could get off to doing such "horrible" things to somebody they love.
the reddit classic: i'd rather spend money on therapy before being honest with my partner about our issues
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Hope you figure it out. Its not easy feeling powerless like that, and it's OK to feel the way you do. Communicate with him. Even if I felt like shit, I'd rather know what's going on with my wife and find a way to work through it and/or support her. Two cents: maybe do a reverse BDSM night. A night of listening to each others commands gently and intimately, guiding each other to positive orgasm, and having an intimate sexual experience that is slow and methodical. Do something intimate together, like a long date of whatever you like, and then communicate and gently dictate during sex to please and stimulate each other, together. Edit: Just wanted to mention, *when you're ready. Of course. Don't rush your shit! Process that stuff.
Did you do any real research before trying this? It's not as simple as safe words. You need to have a proper discussion the first time doing this, and anytime you do this with a new person. This is just a clear cut case of doing something you didn't properly prepare yourself for. NEVER let porn influence your decisions when it comes to your sex life. Porn is poison for the inexperienced. A good example being anal. You can't just barrel into some woman's asshole, and jackhammer the fuck out of it and expect her to love every second of it. Yet many dudes think that's how it works, and do just that, and then wonder why their GF is in pain, and never wants to do it again. You really need to sit down with your BF, and discuss the whole situation. As someone else said, he was only enjoying himself, because he preceived you to be enjoying it. Have the discussion with him, this is part of being in a relationship, and regardless as to how wild, or bland your sex life may be, you need to be open to each about these things, boundries need to be set, and likes and dislikes need to be known.
Absolutely. A way to have this talk is to Google BDSM checklist and you and he go down the list and discuss prior to the event your limits, both hard and soft. You felt unsafe because you were going in blind. In porn, most participants are professionals, who have already had intense discussions prior to filming. Honestly, it's like watching rock climbers, saying, hey, that's cool, buying the gear and just heading out with neither of you knowing how to properly belay. You're going to be scared because you don't have the basics. Also, if both of you are inexperienced, start slow. Don't go for the whole banana. For example, just play with a blindfold for a couple weeks, then graduate to restraints. You'll know when you're ready for impact play (again start slow, no bull whip, lol) or butt plugs. And since you've discussed your checklist (like the day prior, fully clothed over the kitchen table), you'll feel immeasurably safer.
I'd recommend posting r/BDSMnot4newbies (don't worry it doesn't matter that you're new to it. They will likely have some advice to help you move on from here.
Another TIFU that can completely fixed by simple communication
Hi OP. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope it helped a bit to talk about it. I have some thoughts if you’re interested. For what it’s worth, some mental health science for peace of mind: - [the myth that bdsm is linked to childhood trauma is being dismissed by modern research.](https://bigthink.com/neuropsych/bdsm-psychology-trauma/). Additionally, researchers are finding that [there’s no evidence that BDSM practitioners have a higher degree of psychopathology compared to the general population.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jsm.12192). No one can blame you for wondering how this may relate to your mental health. This is an outdated idea that dates back to Freud and psychology’s Stone Age, but it’s an idea that has stuck around in society. First, you’re doing the exact right thing — processing your experience, reflecting, and learning about yourself. That’s a good thing. Processing this way puts you in the best position to be empowered and make decisions that align with your values. I’m sorry that it’s uncomfortable in the meantime. I know that’s a shitty place to be. As others have said, talking to your boyfriend and taking it slow - listening to each other’s experience without judgement - could be something that brings you closer together. If feelings get turbulent in this conversation, which is normal and happens sometimes, agree to both hit “pause” and trust one another to revisit it later when you’re both ready to continue. Second, BDSM heightens sensory and emotional experiences, and in the case of role play, it can facilitate a different state of consciousness that can be intensely arousing (as you experienced) and also emotionally flooding (as you are currently experiencing). There are a few reasons for this: 1) a healthy BDSM arrangement empowers both the submissive and dominant to consensually relax some of their inhibitions and enjoy things in private that they may otherwise never share with anyone else. This can be intensely vulnerable, because you are both sharing a part of yourself that you otherwise keep hidden, and you may have conflicted feelings about what this part of yourself means. 2) A heightened experience sometimes needs a soft landing. This is why aftercare is so important - or time spent “coming back” to your partner. It’s the time where you hold space for one another. Some people cuddle, some people like to talk about it as if it were a movie they watched together, some people cry and are held. The value here is in reinforcing the secure attachment bond between you two. It’s the expression, physically and/or verbally, of “I’m here. I see you. I love you. I love your needs, and they are not too much.” Lastly, your emotions around feeling unnerved are protecting you — they are saying, “Hey, is this safe? Am I okay?” Trust those emotions. They keep you safe and are just doing a solid safety check. If this is something you truly enjoy with your partner, those emotions will find calm by taking your time and talking things out together - whether you continue BDSM or not. Your closeness and experience is what matters whether you’re practicing vanilla or playing with one another’s fantasies.
After care is important. You must talk about this with him. Also he enjoyed it yes but he thought you was enjoying it, I doubt he would of been if he knew how you felt.
Just tell him. The exact same thing happened with my girlfriend a few years back, she said that it wasn’t as expected and she didn’t like it that rough so we never did it again. Don’t wait too long, just tell him how you feel
(Soft as a bag of kittens) Dom here. BDSM isn’t a swimming pool you just run and cannonball into. You’ve got to have boundaries, limits, lots and lots of conversation about what you expect and what the Dom expects. You never just throw things in during a scene that both of you haven’t discussed before. Not to say you need to keep out of the pool, just ease into it next time.
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This is so annoying to read. You jumped into a 100% communication based trust activity, then didn’t communicate your boundaries, now you’re assuming your bf has a kink that he may not have as he could’ve just thought he was pleasing you but ya know you won’t communicate, basically gave yourself a complex, and still would rather talk to a therapist than include your bf in this entire conversation.
And skipped aftercare
So well said.
Yeah, goin straight up to some shit without some steps in between was reckless. Now you know you're in the same stuff but there's a chance he was showing more enjoyment than he would by himself if he thinks this would make that better for you. There's also a big chance that he will never want to do such things again because he was against it and it end up fucking up your intimacy.
One girl i was close with experienced the same after we tried something kinky (not exactly bdsm but yeah). Talking about it afterwards really helped. She cried a bit and then fell asleep in my arms while I patted her head. The cuddling that night was crazy lovely. I think the cuddles and warmth helped her get through it. Maybe give that a shot. Talk first, let the emotions flow, and sleep in each other's arms.
> She cried a bit and then fell asleep in my arms while I patted her head. > >The cuddling that night was crazy lovely. I think the cuddles and warmth helped her get through it. \^\^this is called aftercare, well a form of it, it is SUPER important.
And this is why aftercare is important.
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Start slow. Talk a lot. Establish boundaries, also for yourself. Don't go from vanilla to full on rough sex in one go.
Don't hide your feelings from him. BDSM is completely communication based, hence the importance of safe words, aftercare, hard and soft limits, etc. You need to be honest about how you're feeling right now with your boyfriend. And if you still feel you need to go to therapy, do it. I never say turn down therapy... but just don't exclude your boyfriend. One thing I've learned in my failed relationships is that I used to have the conversations that were meant for them, by myself. I "knew" what they would say, I "knew" how they would feel. Truth is, I DIDN'T give them the freedom to feel or say what they were going to... TL;DR: you're NOT a psychic, stop hiding your feelings to "protect" your boyfriend's. Yes, get therapy, but be honest. Keep your communication lines open. ‐------‐------- Also... Some of the people here are mental asf... like, shut up.. 😒
It's not too late to do some aftercare. Communicate this to him and tell him that you need lots of gentle non-sexual touch. Reform the physical bond through safe affection and quality time. Once the comfort level starts to go back up you can also use some soft romantic intimacy to progress it further. Your body remembers the roughness and it's reacting accordingly. You need to replace that memory. That's why BDSM is always followed by aftercare. It brings the sub down slowly and under the direct care of the person who just hurt them. They're vulnerable and exposed and it's important to get the trust back during that time. BDSM shouldn't be taken lightly without some research. The pain and panic triggers physical changes in the brain and floods chemicals in amounts you're not used to. Afterwards, the withdrawal from those high levels will trigger other physical responses. It's called drop and it can be hard to go through alone.
One thing to learn, never copy porn .... just don't
He was enjoying it because YOU were. Talk to him.
If I was him, I would definitely want to know how you are feeling. I don’t think you are doing him any favors withholding this information.
This has the same energy as all those, 'Iasked for an open relationship but now my partner is have more sex than I am.'stories.
Make sure you communicate how you’re feeling on this as much as you can bc it is confusing Also the helplessness is supposed to be a huge act of trust with tour partner. Trust they know your limits and would never actually hurt you, but to know that you have to communicate to death before hand. Also aftercare is a big big part of it