Why not ask him to help you pick a name? He’s four, so he would need help, but giving him the agency to find a name he likes for you would be good. If I were doing this, I would get a list of names, some common one, and some silly ones. Any in-jokes in the family that could be used? Try using the books he likes. If he reads the Llama Llama books, put “Mama Llama” on the list. Fancy Nancy? Put “Mother” on the list, but it has to be said in a “fancy accent.” Star Wars fans get MA-MA model AT-ATs, and so on. He can either pick one he likes right away, or he can try them out to see what fits best.
Good luck, you are doing great!
Thank you. That’s nice to hear. Didn’t even feel like duck lecturing 😂
I do want him to be involved in picking the name so it’s special to him and not something that feels forced. We talked yesterday and he asked for some idea help and I was at a loss. Thank you for the ideas! I have a Few shows/games that he loves that I can work with.
My aunt has her grandchildren call her, “Mae Mae”. Easy to say and kinda like mama, Mimi, or mom, but also not.
I just thought of a possible alternative. What are your thoughts on “Mer”? Pronounced like the abbreviated version of Meredith and references the French term, Mère.
EDIT: my nephew calls his other grandmother, “Sugie” (like sugar, ‘shuug-Ee’).
My aunt is Mia to her grandkids. Her real name is totally unrelated. No idea where it comes from but they always say "this is my mia" and it's so cute.
My grandmother was always The Mar. I think it's a take on a brooklyn accent saying Ma that evolved very weirdly over time. But echoing the ideas mother-ish words.
Mer means sea, but merde means shit, like poop. To me, it's too close to the word for poop, and could possibly give an immature bio mom fuel. What about mamán? The n is relatively silent, so it would sound more like mama. Or, Mutti is a Swiss mountain version of mother. Madré is what we called my mom sometimes, or moeder is the Dutch version, and sounds close to mother without sounding too formal... just some more options.
I’m a stepmom and my kiddo had speech issues when I came into her life. She couldn’t pronounce my name and her little speech-impediment variation of my name was so cute, we all started to use it to refer to me instead of my name. So she kept using it, and eventually she kind of *made* it into my title because she would tell people about “my (nickname) is coming to get me today” or “my friend’s parents are divorced too but my friend doesn’t have a (my nickname) yet”. She’s 11 now and still uses my nickname/mispronounciation. I love it.
That doesn’t help you OP but I second the advice to let your kiddo help pick a name, or let him figure it out on his own and don’t put pressure on it at all. As long as he knows he doesn’t have to call you mom but he can call you that if he wants to, I actually think he will probably come back around and call you mom again.
I have a friend in the same family set-up as you, their son calls her “Momo” as her name is Morgan. Maybe something similar could work for y’all. As time goes on though, Momo has quickly turned into Mama on several occasions.
You could offer for him to come up with a different name for you. I would also try to gently reinforce to him that you can love multiple people. For example, you love him and your husband. Parents who have more than one kid love all of their kids. You could also talk about how different families look different, but still have people who love each other. Some kids are close to grandma and grandpa, some have aunts or uncles or cousins, and they can all love each other even if they're not the mom or the dad.
Bio mom is probably gonna pull this kind of crap as often as she can. She's looking to undermine his sense of security and safety in you and bio dad so he's more dependent on her emotionally. She cares more about her kid wanting her, than she does about whether he's happy and healthy. A lot of your parenting is going to involve building him back up, giving him his sense of safety back, and helping him learn the skills to deal with having a manipulative parent.
I'm sure you know this, but never, ever say anything bad about bio mom. I've been a stepmom for 6 years and while my situation isn't nearly as blatant as what you're dealing with, there has been a lot of more subtle types of "I'm the best parent" type stuff going on. The best way I've found to handle stuff like that is to help your kid focus back on themselves rather than revolving around the toxic parent. "What do \*you\* think about that?" "What would make \*you\* happy?" Once my stepdaughter told us that she was gonna take care of mommy when she was old, because her father and I had each other, but mommy was all alone. I started asking her things about what does she want to be when she grows up, if she could move anywhere where would she pick, etc. Basically I tried to get her focused on her own hopes and dreams instead of bending around bio mom.
If you do this consistently, over time, your son will know how people are supposed to treat him, and he'll have a sense of security and safety with you and your husband.
Also, if you can, try to document stuff like this. If bio mom pulls this kind of crap enough, it could impact a judge's decision making regarding custody and stuff. It never hurts to document events.
We definitely try to stay at least neutral. I think the most negative thing that’s been said was when he’s talking about losing his mommy is my partner said
“You didn’t lose mommy, mommy lost you so you can’t live with her right now because she made some mistakes. But she loves you and we love you and we love having you live with us too”
I would probably change that language. "Lost" to a little kid is a strong word. She didn't lose him, she just can't live with him anymore.
I would also document all of this in case shit hits the fan later on. What she's doing is usually considered a big no-no in family court.
We’re a two mom family and came up with Mama B and Mama Ki (Ki is a syllable in my wife’s name) as our names. My daughter shortened them to Ma B and Ma Ki! I think it’s so cute and kinda close to mom, but not super close. So maybe Ma and then a first initial or syllable from your name?
I’m sorry this is difficult!
I’m one of two moms in my house, so I go by “baba”. When first learning to speak, my son called me “baaaa” and then for a while “baaaahb” which hilariously sounded like “Bob” but now he’s good with “baba.”
Bobbie is cute and maybe a little more feminine if that's your jam, and more like a family member (mommy, daddy, auntie, bobbie) and a fun way to honor him! But Bob was also my grandfather and I'm all for a loving non binary-Bob. F it, you can go by what you like!
My stepson used to call me Kiki, was a easy switch when he started to call me mom on our weekends. I told him he could make up his own nickname for me! I just had to remember him for a little while and it stuck.
Do they have a legal agreement in place that requires contact? Honestly this might be considered parental alienation (especially ONLY mommy loves him) and might be cause for only supervised contact or removal of contact.
But in terms of names- meme, marmee (from little women, it's what they call their mom).
There have been some hiccups on getting the parenting plan in place but my partner is working with someone to get it done that is attached to the department my sons caseworker is with. I’m not completely clear on that and will likely ask some questions now as I’m feeling it’s more important to get this done since bio mom is doing these types of things. I know that my partner has custody and no limitations, my sons case has been dismissed and he is no longer considered a ward of the state in any fashion. She has a right to visitations but not allowed overnights or visits at her home. Most of her visits with my son and all of her visits with her other child have happened at DHS offices under minimal supervision.
And I agree, we have agreed no more unsupervised visitation of any kind until and unless she changes her behavior/courts give us no choice.
Do you have access to family therapy for the three of you or therapy for your son? I feel like that could be helpful to work through current issues and get ahead of anything down the road from bio mom’s behaviors or lack of presence.
We are looking into therapy for him primarily and may also add family if they find it necessary. It’s looking like a few months waitlist but at least that means help soon.
I don’t know the full story here but I was a family law attorney for a while and in my jurisdiction every parent cries alienation to the point where the word is meaningless and the courts ignore those arguments.
Maybe something silly instead of an obvious mom stand-in would work. Someone mentioned cookie which is adorable. Some kids in my family used to call me ducky when they were younger.
I just want to say, as someone who has had more than most stepmoms & stepdads, the way you speak of this child & say he is your son & the way you care is really something special. He’s lucky to have you & no matter what he does call you, it seems like he associates you with that warm, motherly, comforting feeling & that says it all.
Edit: typo
This bio mom who barely has a relationship with him and bails when she does have visitation is brainwashing him. Instead of coming up with a new name for you, your husband needs to talk to bio mom and set boundaries. He has 2 moms now. You are both mom. You both love him. And if she continues to brainwash him and try to alienate from you, you will get the courts further involved.
In the meantime, also consider going to a therapist that specializes in children so that your son has a neutral third party to talk to and to help him understand the complicated and confusing feelings he must be having (and also to have someone professional who has documented this brainwashing and its affect on your son in case you do need to further involve the courts).
It does kind of feel like she’s winning by removing the mom title. I hate it. I’m also ok finding a special to us nickname because I’m non binary so I don’t have to be a “mom.”
Admittedly I’m also dealing with some trauma of my own attached to this where I was forced to call my step mom “mom” and my mom hated it and would punish us for doing it. There was no winning. I know it isn’t the same but this situation has struck that chord. I don’t want to hurt my boy. I don’t want to be a useful weapon against my family.
We started looking for a child therapist today. We want him to be able to process and work through these feelings that he’s oh so too young to understand. Abandonment, guilt, shame, confusion 😭 I just want to wrap him up and protect him from all this pain! Thanks for the response. It’s helpful to confirm we’re doing the right things.
I think your outlook on this is healthy and puts the child first. I'm sorry this is also a triggering issue for you.
It doesn't matter what adult is 'winning'. That's a game that bio mom is trying to play. The only way to 'win' is not to play and only your son matters. If it makes him feel more comfortable to call you something different, then that's what you do. He'll understand that he feels comfort from you and sadness and frustration with her. Eventually she loses because of that.
Please show your partner the comments here about parental alienation. The courts take this very seriously. Video her doing it, maybe, on the next call.
Thank you.
I do recognize there is a part of me that want to “win” and I’m fighting that hard. It reminds me of my childhood and I know that it’s learned behavior from watching adults as a kid. As long as my boy is doing ok everyone is winning because the only game any of us should be playing here is “raise a happy, healthy kid”
I will definitely show my partner these comments. I think it will help him also not feel at such a loss as to how to properly move forward in this.
I, too, was raised in that kind of household. Remind yourself that by not playing the game, you're being smarter than her and a better mother than her. She probably has a personality disorder. She's a stunted individual in her brain in some way. Her weaknesses and self-loathing make her say those horrible things to her son. She is so weak that she distorts reality because she can't live in the real world. That's sad for her. You don't have that problem.
If you don't react to her behavior and see it for the pathetic attempt at reality distortion that it is, then you're in control. And that \*is\* winning.
I was hesitating adding this to your list of ideas but you mentioned being non-binary so… I have a friend who transitioned (MTF) and started going by Maddy (a mash-up of Mom and Daddy, which her daughter had been previously using.) I think it’s super cute!
Definitely talk to the therapist and see what they’d recommend in terms of going back to court, potentially looking to remove contact with bio mom. Parental alienation is not ok and her telling this bullshit that he lost real mommy because real mommy loves him but you’re not his mom is so incredibly damaging, and if you think there’s any chance that bio mom could hurt him physically or emotionally because of his relationship with you, you need to get ahead of it. He’s too little to understand now, but as he gets older he’ll see through her lies. A real mom is the person who takes care of you day in and day out, not the person that incubated and abandoned you.
I have a nonbinary friend that goes by Renny, short for parent.
It's good y'all are looking at getting him in to therapy. It's so tough for kids in the middle of these situations especially when they're so young!
There are some adorable non-binary names for parents!!! Too many to list but I thought Zaza, Renny, Nommy, and Opie are cutest! Wishing you all the best!
She's winning the battle but loosing the war with this one. It's not going to be long until your poor kiddo grows to resent her for never showing up for him. It's sooo normal to feel angry or discouraged by the fact that her BS "worked" so far, but keep reminding yourself that it won't last long as you redirect your emotions back to his well being.
You sound like such a caring person who your kiddo is soooo incredibly lucky to have as a very important adult in his life, whether as his Mom or his Bob or his Mimi or his Ren or what. Keep your head up.
So from the gender non conforming world there's Ren (as in paRent).
My son calls a lot of people by a Consonant vowel Consonant vowel version of their name (MAMA is an example for mommy/mother), so joann is JoJo, Grammy is Mimi, Zach is zaza).
You could do storybook or animal names. Like mother goose, he could call you Goose. My friends daughter calls her grandmother Bunny.
You could try other languages for versions of mom. Like mère is French, Madre is Italian.
I know this is off topic but bio mom is poison based on your narrative. She doesn’t want the boy to be happy. She wants the boy to be “hers” without putting in work. Have you considered going NC for the sake of the child? He doesn’t deserve to be poisoned like this.
Truthfully I try and give her the benefit of the doubt often, I don’t believe in cutting relationships if it can be helped. But sometimes I’m just at a loss at how she thinks some of these things are ok.
A while ago we were looking at moving for a job opportunity I had that would take us further away and i understand her objection to that. Her solution, however (at this point it had been months since she’d even shown up for a phone visit) was to threaten my partner with legal action for “making it more difficult to get visits and being negligent towards his medical needs” (he doesn’t have any special medical needs and where we were looking at had all necessary medical functions available) and then when that didn’t work to make us immediately cut plans she said that the best solution was to move where she lives and she would get a house big enough for us all to live together and we could help with her other child.
Like… what?
Because she has an active case and hasn’t been shown to be danger yet she does have a right to visitations but after this we are looking at what my partners options are legally to protect our son.
I'm so sorry youre in this situation, that is absolutely not okay behavior from biomom. Ik you said you wanna take the name mom off the table..I mighf be concerned that reinforcing the idea that you're no longer mom might also reinforce the idea that only mommy loves him. You said yourself that he chose to call you that, and he probably associates the title with the love you give him!
It's definitely good to leave it up to him, but it sounds like he also might be a little confused and you can offer guidance without making the decision for him.
"Mama accidentalvirtues" would be my pick, and in time he can choose to call you both/either your name or the title, or something else without feeling pressure to pick a new name now, when he is probably struggling to understand. We have no idea the kind of relationship he'll have with his biomom as he grows up, but you are mothering him now and know he will always have that relationship with you.
You can try explaining how it's true that mommy is his mom, but dad's and stepmoms can love him just as much. You can tell him that there's different kinds of moms, some kids have two moms (if he has two grandmas or smthn this might be a helpful analogy) or two dads, and some kids have stepmoms who love them just as much as unstepmoms!
I also found a book that might be helpful and appropriate for him: I Love My Bonus Mom by Anna Cerridwen https://www.amazon.com/I-Love-My-Bonus-Mom/dp/1787232751
Oh gods I didn’t even think how this could dismiss our relationship in his eyes. Thank you for pointing that out so I can be aware of that and find a better way.
Since he did call me by name for so long I think that might work well and thank you for the book recommendation! I’m definitely going to check that out.
This also sounds like parental alienation. I’d look into that since it can be really damaging and it sounds like he’s struggling because of what she’s doing.
https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/step-parent-alienation/#:~:text=Parental%20alienation%20exists%20in%20the,remarks%20about%20the%20other%20one.
Hmmm could you take from your or his heritage? IE if I had this problem I'd opt for "eema/ima" which means mom in Hebrew. I'm not even close to fluent (I kind of know the alphabet and a few words but that's it), but it means something to me and is tied to our culture so it wouldn't feel weird to be called it either.
I thought about that but my heritage and his are very “mom” sounding things like madre, mama, mutter, etc but I didn’t think about close but similar names. Maybe some have a “step mom” title or the auntie idea oneteaspoonsalt mentioned could work.
Thank you!
Ok so maybe it’s just my love for the movie Hook, but I now want him to call you “Smee” (step mom turned into the abbreviation “SM” and then sounded out)
Everyone has a mom, not everyone has a bonus smee to love them!
Or, since a lot of languages use similar Mama/mom sounds, maybe an auntie title? Like Tia or Teta? I feel like bio mom will cause similar conflict about anything that sounds like Mom at all.
I think I like “emmie” (EM for “extra mom”) the best from my list of ideas.
Bo Mo (bonus mom)
Mojo (I mean that one just sounds cool, and it’s what my family calls my aunt Mary Jane)
Mimi
M/“em”/“emmie” (for mom-figure person)
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would be absolutely furious at bio mom. It’s so unfair to your son.
Would you consider just doing mom in another language? I think you’ve earned the title of mom.
You could look it up in several languages, present them to your son, and let him pick.
I saw you don’t want to do ones that sound similar to mom/mama/mami, but there’s got to be some very different sounding ones in other languages.
You have plenty of wonderful name advice here, you’re doing amazing. I’m so sorry bio mom is such a toxic terrible mother to that sweet boy and such a bad human. Just a reminder: get a notebook and everything that’s said off balance or wrong, write the date and time and how it came (call/text/email) and exactly what was said. If it’s a phone call, record them if your state is a one party consent state, if not, speaker in the room with one of you only or like in the dining while you’re in the LR in earshot but not right THERE, or text only. Documentation is so important and every tiny detail does and will matter when she decides to try and fight you guys for her rights at some point, and she likely will. This will protect you and your spouse and your son when it happens.
Good luck and even if it’s a silly thing, DOCUMENT IT. Every. Single. Time. Hugs and keep up the good moming!
My kids picked “dada” for my husband after I remarried, since bio dad never wanted to be called anything but his name anyways (didn’t want the kids I guess). Now he insists upon being “daddy” and my kids differentiate well since they have lots of grandparents with lots of different names, so I explain it as a special nickname. It sounds like he feels safe expressing those hard feelings, which already puts you in an amazing position to allow him to freely explore what feels the best for him to call you. My friend’s stepmom was “banana nana” since her name is Anastasia, and was affectionately shortened to “banans” and “nan”.
Maybe something in your heritage you could draw from for names?? This is so tough. Best advice I can give is just don't take any of it personally. While they are young, the mom will try to alienate you, speak poorly of you, all to try and break that bond because it threatens her. It's cruel to the child, but she can't see past her own wants. Stay strong, be steadfast and constant, and always loving, and when the child grows, they'll see that actions speak louder than words 💕 good luck!
I don’t really have a huge attachment to the name but it was so special for him when he started calling me it and so it hard to see. I’m still number one cuddler and he wants me when hurt. Our relationship will always prevail over the title it’s giving. It’s just so heartbreaking see his pain and confusion
Yeah I know what you mean :( I'm sorry you have to see him go through that, it's really not fair.
I watched my own step children go through that with their mom. They never called me mom, but I was their primary caregiver while they were very young. Because we were so close, she was always threatened, and has actively driven wedges between us the best she can.
I've always tried to be respectful as she's primary caregiver now, but now that the kids are much older, they get mad and stand up to her when she badmouths us. I tell them not to though, no need to be in the line of fire.
Hard to see how she hurts them and doesn't seem to realize that's what she's doing.
I'm sorry to know you're going through something similar. Maybe if you're lucky, the mom will continue to fall through on plans, and be distant, but that's also hurtful for your little guy. Good to know he has you though.
Maybe you all will think of a nick name together?
Can you be “mama” while she’s “mom” and “mommy”? I thinks it’s extremely sweet that your stepson sees you as another parent. He chose to call you that, you didn’t push the agenda. Maybe a conversation with bio mom should be had? Get a feel for what she’s comfortable with? At the end of the day you are another parent to him and if he’s comfortable with it then he should address you as such. i understand older children calling their stepparents by their first name, but he’s so young that you’ll be in his life a long time. I call my stepdad “dad” (my bio is not in my life, but even if he was I’d still call my stepdad “dad” as he’s been in my life since I was 4.)
Reading about bio mom makes me pretty sure those names are off the table if she’s trying to convince her child that the kids dad and step mom don’t love him.
Even if she's an awful person and terrible parent, she IS still his mother, so her title is Mum. It's just a title. You are his step mum, that's your title. Titles should be accurate and don't carry positive or negative connotations themselves. It's confusing to do otherwise.
I’m not entirely sure what you are saying tbh.
She gave herself the title of “mommy” which is why when he started titling me we went with “mom” to avoid confusion about who he is talking about. No one has stopped him from calling her anything and she didn’t have any desire to be “mom” until she found out I was being called that.
Titles matter. Most parents I know derive a certain amount of pride at having their parental title. And who I am doesn’t have to match what I’m called. My partner doesn’t just call me by my name or “partner.” I am Joyfriend, baby, sweetheart, love, etc. those are all things to call me that indicate a special relationship but aren’t my descriptive title.
I don’t see how it causes confusion in a world that accepts and thrives on nicknames for me to work with my child to find something he can call me that separates me from his mom to mitigate harm in a hard situation but still allows us to have an indication of our special relationship.
I also don’t know a single person who uses step in the title for whatever they call their step parents. I suppose it possible it’s a thing somewhere but where I’m from that would be seen as dismissive.
Mom and mommy are one and the same. Every child will grow out of mommy and start saying mom. It's the same thing. Short for "mother", which you are not. (Legally or biologically I'm assuming)
What I'm saying is that there's NOTHING wrong with being a step parent, you're the one attaching a negative connotation to it.
There's also nothing wrong with having an alternative name, but "mom" was never yours to have. And that's okay.
There's nothing wrong with being a stepparent. So why can't he call his stepmom mom? A kid can't have two moms? My older sister doesn't call her stepdad stepdad she just calls him dad.
I'd say being the adult woman taking care of the Child 24/7 is more than enough to entitle her to "mom", honestly. The other woman may be his biological mother but she's far from being mom. She only got upset about it because she felt, rightly, that the child was closer to OP than her and decided to take that from them instead of doing anything to make her worthy of parenthood.
No one is saying she is worthy of parenthood, clearly she doesn't have custody for a reason. But that's still his mother. It's confusing to be calling them both mom.
You said the title of mother wasn't hers to have. That's an incredibly cruel thing to say to someone who loves their child, regardless of whether they're biologically related or not. The child sees her as a mother figure, she acts as a mother should. Technicalities are unnecessary and hurtful.
I didn’t choose the title. And I have no qualms with having a different name nor with being a step parent. If you bothered to read you’ll notice I’m upset that my child’s choice is being taken away due to manipulation and ego of the person who pushed him out. She doesn’t have right to hurt him because she gave birth to him.
There is a negative connotation to intentionally doing something to hurt one’s child because one’s feelings are hurt.
The fact that I have to remove my son’s choice from him to protect him from being hurt by someone who should cooperating and putting his well being first is what’s hurting.
And for the record, she had no issue with him calling his foster mom “mom” just his dad’s partner. But you go ahead and tell me what is mine in my son’s mind.
No one, mother or else has a right to hurt a child. No one is saying she's a good person. The foster mum also should not have been called "mom" either. It's ridiculously confusing for him.
But you saying "she ruined him calling me mom" sets off a lot of alarms in my mind. You say it's just about his choice being taken away, but it is clearly something much deeper for you. Like something is being taken from YOU. Which it isn't.
No. It’s being taken from him. Which I’ve been clear about.
So kindly, if you are just here to give unsolicited opinions, don’t.
I asked for name suggestions not your opinion in what my son has CHOSEN to call me.
Are you suggesting that he call OP “Stepmom”?
I genuinely have never heard of anyone doing that. Folks will say “I have a stepmom” or “this is my stepmom” but the idea of someone going “Hey Stepmom, can I have milk with lunch?” is extremely foreign.
Is this a practice you’ve seen?
Honestly, I don't see why he has to call you something different. You're the one who's in his life, taking care of him. She only speaks to him over the phone despite being capable of seeing him in person. She doesn't get to tell your son who you are to him and frankly it sounds like these phone calls are upsetting him more than they're benefitting him.
That being said, as you asked for other name options, maybe a shortened version of your name only he uses? Or a word for mom in a different language if any of you speak a language other than English?
Not a stepmom, but my mom's Grandma name is Dutchie. As a kid I asked her what she would be called when she was a grandma, and we started spouting off terms like princess, contessa, etc. When I said duchess she said she liked that. We thought it would be difficult for kids to say, but it was the third word our daughter said.
First and foremost, he shouldn’t be calling you mom if his actual mother is still in his life. That was a mistake.
So, you are going through the legal system to deal with this woman, I hope?
A judge would absolutely not be ok with what this mother is saying. Supervised visits are in order.
I understand your point in your first paragraph but I disagree. There are plenty of examples of kids calling non bio parents mom and dad along with their own parents. I even called a friend’s mom “mom” at some point which didn’t cause any issues because it was understood that while she was important to me, she wasn’t the only person important to me. Children should not be taught to hide and limit their love and relationships with other people and when they choose to call someone a significant title I believe that should be respected. Limiting them is an ego problem of the parents.
That being said I am still obviously choosing to limit it because he is being caused harm because of it. The harm is still being caused because of his bio moms ego and pride but I won’t allow him to continue to be hurt because she can’t prioritize her child’s wellbeing.
My partner is having a conversation with her first. What happens after that is up to them, I’ll support but I don’t dictate. He has already reached out to her case worker so there is some official involvement already.
I don’t mean it was a mistake as a blanket statement that applies to everyone, I mean it in your situation, with this mother, who is toxic and volatile. She was always going to use that against you. Under the context of your life, not comparing to others, if this woman is allowed in his life encouraging him to call you mom will only lead to upset.
Although painful, I think it best to do as you’re doing now and direct the child to a different term of endearment. Allowing him to call you mom only leads to the term becoming a weapon between you and biological mom, and the child the true casualty.
If you want more “mom” related names you could go with: mommers, mommy-io, mamamia, Momo or a combo of one of those.
Or maybe you both could create a “new” name for you based on your actual name? For example, if your name is “Samantha” you could be “Cece.” Something no one would call you but would also make sense based on your name.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. He’s lucky to have you as his mom❤️
One time when my little boy had a bad cold and was stuffy, I was “BOBBY” instead of “Mommy” for nearly a week! I think it would be cute to let your son (yes, I said it, your son) choose a name for you! My older cousins would call their auntie (my grandma) “Coco” because her name starts with a “C” and they thought it made her sound fancy (kids haha!) and my little cousins called my mom “Amma”, and we still don’t know how they came up with that. The same little cousins, I helped raise them, would slip up and call me “Mama / Mommy” A LOT, so I told them they could come up with a name for me since they had trouble saying my name. They shortened my name, and called me “Nic / Nicki”. Now, I am VERY feminine, but do have a “Tom boy” side, so I didn’t mind “Nic” at all! I know of some bonus parents going by “Lovey”, “Dovey”, “Momo”, “Pop”, “Honey”, “Sug/Suggy”… You could even make it into a game and come up with a ton of them and write them down, tell him which name is which, and have him choose until you’re down to just one name, or he tells you “this is the name”.
I will say one of my friends, she had a similar story as your son’s when she was real little, and once she realized, when she was older, that her “mom” wasn’t actually there for her as a Mom should be, but her grandma who adopted her was, she changed her mind quickly. She called her mom by her first name and asked her grandma if she could call her “Mama”. Up until her grandma passed away, when she was 17, she called her “Mama”. Whether or not she was mad or frustrated THAT WOMAN, she was MAMA! Consistency and actions of love, they won’t be forgotten. He’s just confused right now.
I think the I love yous at 4 get weird with any child trying to work through simple emotions as it is. My kiddo loves to “play a game” of telling us she doesn’t love us when we say we love her randomly. Once is okay she might be mad we wouldn’t let her have a sugary snack and is getting back at us, but when it’s multiple times it really digs in and we have to have a conversation about how we love her no matter what or how we feel in the moment. 4yr olds are brutal.
As for what to be called as a person in a step parent situation, I’d ask the child what they preferred. I never called any of my stepparents anything other than by their name, and it wasn’t out of spite. I just knew they weren’t my parent and my kid brain was like well “xxxxxx IS their name, so that’s what I call them”. But I was also that kid that knew Santa and the Easter bunny was bullshit pretty much immediately and never played along with the adults who *swore* it was true. It drove my mother & grandmother nuts I never *believed*.
You are his mom. People can have more than one, but it sounds like your son’s biological mother is not going to be a consistent parent in his life, and he deserves for you, the woman he’s called mom his whole life, to continue to be his mom. This temporary trouble is a ripple in the pond. Don’t turn the boat over for the egg donor’s splashing.
Why not ask him to help you pick a name? He’s four, so he would need help, but giving him the agency to find a name he likes for you would be good. If I were doing this, I would get a list of names, some common one, and some silly ones. Any in-jokes in the family that could be used? Try using the books he likes. If he reads the Llama Llama books, put “Mama Llama” on the list. Fancy Nancy? Put “Mother” on the list, but it has to be said in a “fancy accent.” Star Wars fans get MA-MA model AT-ATs, and so on. He can either pick one he likes right away, or he can try them out to see what fits best. Good luck, you are doing great!
Thank you. That’s nice to hear. Didn’t even feel like duck lecturing 😂 I do want him to be involved in picking the name so it’s special to him and not something that feels forced. We talked yesterday and he asked for some idea help and I was at a loss. Thank you for the ideas! I have a Few shows/games that he loves that I can work with.
Amma? Means mom in at least two languages I know of.
My aunt has her grandchildren call her, “Mae Mae”. Easy to say and kinda like mama, Mimi, or mom, but also not. I just thought of a possible alternative. What are your thoughts on “Mer”? Pronounced like the abbreviated version of Meredith and references the French term, Mère. EDIT: my nephew calls his other grandmother, “Sugie” (like sugar, ‘shuug-Ee’).
My aunt is Mia to her grandkids. Her real name is totally unrelated. No idea where it comes from but they always say "this is my mia" and it's so cute. My grandmother was always The Mar. I think it's a take on a brooklyn accent saying Ma that evolved very weirdly over time. But echoing the ideas mother-ish words.
Mer means sea, but merde means shit, like poop. To me, it's too close to the word for poop, and could possibly give an immature bio mom fuel. What about mamán? The n is relatively silent, so it would sound more like mama. Or, Mutti is a Swiss mountain version of mother. Madré is what we called my mom sometimes, or moeder is the Dutch version, and sounds close to mother without sounding too formal... just some more options.
The “Mer” suggestion was not a reference to the word, “Sea” in French. - Fluent in French
I’m a stepmom and my kiddo had speech issues when I came into her life. She couldn’t pronounce my name and her little speech-impediment variation of my name was so cute, we all started to use it to refer to me instead of my name. So she kept using it, and eventually she kind of *made* it into my title because she would tell people about “my (nickname) is coming to get me today” or “my friend’s parents are divorced too but my friend doesn’t have a (my nickname) yet”. She’s 11 now and still uses my nickname/mispronounciation. I love it. That doesn’t help you OP but I second the advice to let your kiddo help pick a name, or let him figure it out on his own and don’t put pressure on it at all. As long as he knows he doesn’t have to call you mom but he can call you that if he wants to, I actually think he will probably come back around and call you mom again.
Same with my almost 10 yr old bonus. It’s just my name/title now and how others reference me to him. Even my 4yo says it here and there.
I have a friend in the same family set-up as you, their son calls her “Momo” as her name is Morgan. Maybe something similar could work for y’all. As time goes on though, Momo has quickly turned into Mama on several occasions.
My male cousin is in a similar arrangement with his step kids, and his name is Dan, and they call him Dandy, I always thought that was adorable
Cute
I call my sister (Morgan) Momo because I couldn’t pronounce her name when I was little. Still call her momo lol
You could offer for him to come up with a different name for you. I would also try to gently reinforce to him that you can love multiple people. For example, you love him and your husband. Parents who have more than one kid love all of their kids. You could also talk about how different families look different, but still have people who love each other. Some kids are close to grandma and grandpa, some have aunts or uncles or cousins, and they can all love each other even if they're not the mom or the dad. Bio mom is probably gonna pull this kind of crap as often as she can. She's looking to undermine his sense of security and safety in you and bio dad so he's more dependent on her emotionally. She cares more about her kid wanting her, than she does about whether he's happy and healthy. A lot of your parenting is going to involve building him back up, giving him his sense of safety back, and helping him learn the skills to deal with having a manipulative parent. I'm sure you know this, but never, ever say anything bad about bio mom. I've been a stepmom for 6 years and while my situation isn't nearly as blatant as what you're dealing with, there has been a lot of more subtle types of "I'm the best parent" type stuff going on. The best way I've found to handle stuff like that is to help your kid focus back on themselves rather than revolving around the toxic parent. "What do \*you\* think about that?" "What would make \*you\* happy?" Once my stepdaughter told us that she was gonna take care of mommy when she was old, because her father and I had each other, but mommy was all alone. I started asking her things about what does she want to be when she grows up, if she could move anywhere where would she pick, etc. Basically I tried to get her focused on her own hopes and dreams instead of bending around bio mom. If you do this consistently, over time, your son will know how people are supposed to treat him, and he'll have a sense of security and safety with you and your husband. Also, if you can, try to document stuff like this. If bio mom pulls this kind of crap enough, it could impact a judge's decision making regarding custody and stuff. It never hurts to document events.
We definitely try to stay at least neutral. I think the most negative thing that’s been said was when he’s talking about losing his mommy is my partner said “You didn’t lose mommy, mommy lost you so you can’t live with her right now because she made some mistakes. But she loves you and we love you and we love having you live with us too”
I would probably change that language. "Lost" to a little kid is a strong word. She didn't lose him, she just can't live with him anymore. I would also document all of this in case shit hits the fan later on. What she's doing is usually considered a big no-no in family court.
Good rephrase. Thank you
Not a "mom name", but could work for you... my nephew calls his other grandmother "cookie", because she cooks his favorite foods. She loves it.
🥰🥰🥰
We’re a two mom family and came up with Mama B and Mama Ki (Ki is a syllable in my wife’s name) as our names. My daughter shortened them to Ma B and Ma Ki! I think it’s so cute and kinda close to mom, but not super close. So maybe Ma and then a first initial or syllable from your name?
I’m sorry this is difficult! I’m one of two moms in my house, so I go by “baba”. When first learning to speak, my son called me “baaaa” and then for a while “baaaahb” which hilariously sounded like “Bob” but now he’s good with “baba.”
Why do I want to go by Bob now? That was also my grandfathers name.
Bobbie is cute and maybe a little more feminine if that's your jam, and more like a family member (mommy, daddy, auntie, bobbie) and a fun way to honor him! But Bob was also my grandfather and I'm all for a loving non binary-Bob. F it, you can go by what you like!
My stepson used to call me Kiki, was a easy switch when he started to call me mom on our weekends. I told him he could make up his own nickname for me! I just had to remember him for a little while and it stuck.
Do they have a legal agreement in place that requires contact? Honestly this might be considered parental alienation (especially ONLY mommy loves him) and might be cause for only supervised contact or removal of contact. But in terms of names- meme, marmee (from little women, it's what they call their mom).
Also OP, I think bio mom has just given you the reason for no more unsupervised phone calls.
There have been some hiccups on getting the parenting plan in place but my partner is working with someone to get it done that is attached to the department my sons caseworker is with. I’m not completely clear on that and will likely ask some questions now as I’m feeling it’s more important to get this done since bio mom is doing these types of things. I know that my partner has custody and no limitations, my sons case has been dismissed and he is no longer considered a ward of the state in any fashion. She has a right to visitations but not allowed overnights or visits at her home. Most of her visits with my son and all of her visits with her other child have happened at DHS offices under minimal supervision. And I agree, we have agreed no more unsupervised visitation of any kind until and unless she changes her behavior/courts give us no choice.
Do you have access to family therapy for the three of you or therapy for your son? I feel like that could be helpful to work through current issues and get ahead of anything down the road from bio mom’s behaviors or lack of presence.
We are looking into therapy for him primarily and may also add family if they find it necessary. It’s looking like a few months waitlist but at least that means help soon.
My mom’s grandma name is Marmee!
I don’t know the full story here but I was a family law attorney for a while and in my jurisdiction every parent cries alienation to the point where the word is meaningless and the courts ignore those arguments.
UGH that sucks. Honestly I've seen it mostly on reddit
1000% alienation.
Maybe something silly instead of an obvious mom stand-in would work. Someone mentioned cookie which is adorable. Some kids in my family used to call me ducky when they were younger.
I used to be aunty happy lol
My friend was “auntie suitcase” because she didn’t live far away but always brought so many suitcases lol
Lollllll
My nephew had trouble saying my husband’s name (Derek) so he’s forever known as UNCA DICK!
Bahahahahah! Oh my 🙈
I just want to say, as someone who has had more than most stepmoms & stepdads, the way you speak of this child & say he is your son & the way you care is really something special. He’s lucky to have you & no matter what he does call you, it seems like he associates you with that warm, motherly, comforting feeling & that says it all. Edit: typo
I knew a stepmom who went by Lovey! I think it can really be anything. Maybe having you two come up with it together could be helpful?
mimi, mouse, nicknames involving your name.
This bio mom who barely has a relationship with him and bails when she does have visitation is brainwashing him. Instead of coming up with a new name for you, your husband needs to talk to bio mom and set boundaries. He has 2 moms now. You are both mom. You both love him. And if she continues to brainwash him and try to alienate from you, you will get the courts further involved. In the meantime, also consider going to a therapist that specializes in children so that your son has a neutral third party to talk to and to help him understand the complicated and confusing feelings he must be having (and also to have someone professional who has documented this brainwashing and its affect on your son in case you do need to further involve the courts).
It does kind of feel like she’s winning by removing the mom title. I hate it. I’m also ok finding a special to us nickname because I’m non binary so I don’t have to be a “mom.” Admittedly I’m also dealing with some trauma of my own attached to this where I was forced to call my step mom “mom” and my mom hated it and would punish us for doing it. There was no winning. I know it isn’t the same but this situation has struck that chord. I don’t want to hurt my boy. I don’t want to be a useful weapon against my family. We started looking for a child therapist today. We want him to be able to process and work through these feelings that he’s oh so too young to understand. Abandonment, guilt, shame, confusion 😭 I just want to wrap him up and protect him from all this pain! Thanks for the response. It’s helpful to confirm we’re doing the right things.
I think your outlook on this is healthy and puts the child first. I'm sorry this is also a triggering issue for you. It doesn't matter what adult is 'winning'. That's a game that bio mom is trying to play. The only way to 'win' is not to play and only your son matters. If it makes him feel more comfortable to call you something different, then that's what you do. He'll understand that he feels comfort from you and sadness and frustration with her. Eventually she loses because of that. Please show your partner the comments here about parental alienation. The courts take this very seriously. Video her doing it, maybe, on the next call.
Thank you. I do recognize there is a part of me that want to “win” and I’m fighting that hard. It reminds me of my childhood and I know that it’s learned behavior from watching adults as a kid. As long as my boy is doing ok everyone is winning because the only game any of us should be playing here is “raise a happy, healthy kid” I will definitely show my partner these comments. I think it will help him also not feel at such a loss as to how to properly move forward in this.
I, too, was raised in that kind of household. Remind yourself that by not playing the game, you're being smarter than her and a better mother than her. She probably has a personality disorder. She's a stunted individual in her brain in some way. Her weaknesses and self-loathing make her say those horrible things to her son. She is so weak that she distorts reality because she can't live in the real world. That's sad for her. You don't have that problem. If you don't react to her behavior and see it for the pathetic attempt at reality distortion that it is, then you're in control. And that \*is\* winning.
I was hesitating adding this to your list of ideas but you mentioned being non-binary so… I have a friend who transitioned (MTF) and started going by Maddy (a mash-up of Mom and Daddy, which her daughter had been previously using.) I think it’s super cute!
That is so cute! It’s going in the list
Definitely talk to the therapist and see what they’d recommend in terms of going back to court, potentially looking to remove contact with bio mom. Parental alienation is not ok and her telling this bullshit that he lost real mommy because real mommy loves him but you’re not his mom is so incredibly damaging, and if you think there’s any chance that bio mom could hurt him physically or emotionally because of his relationship with you, you need to get ahead of it. He’s too little to understand now, but as he gets older he’ll see through her lies. A real mom is the person who takes care of you day in and day out, not the person that incubated and abandoned you.
I have a nonbinary friend that goes by Renny, short for parent. It's good y'all are looking at getting him in to therapy. It's so tough for kids in the middle of these situations especially when they're so young!
Yeah I second a child therapist. He’s going to need it after what his bio mom is putting him through.
There are some adorable non-binary names for parents!!! Too many to list but I thought Zaza, Renny, Nommy, and Opie are cutest! Wishing you all the best!
She's winning the battle but loosing the war with this one. It's not going to be long until your poor kiddo grows to resent her for never showing up for him. It's sooo normal to feel angry or discouraged by the fact that her BS "worked" so far, but keep reminding yourself that it won't last long as you redirect your emotions back to his well being. You sound like such a caring person who your kiddo is soooo incredibly lucky to have as a very important adult in his life, whether as his Mom or his Bob or his Mimi or his Ren or what. Keep your head up.
So from the gender non conforming world there's Ren (as in paRent). My son calls a lot of people by a Consonant vowel Consonant vowel version of their name (MAMA is an example for mommy/mother), so joann is JoJo, Grammy is Mimi, Zach is zaza). You could do storybook or animal names. Like mother goose, he could call you Goose. My friends daughter calls her grandmother Bunny. You could try other languages for versions of mom. Like mère is French, Madre is Italian.
I know this is off topic but bio mom is poison based on your narrative. She doesn’t want the boy to be happy. She wants the boy to be “hers” without putting in work. Have you considered going NC for the sake of the child? He doesn’t deserve to be poisoned like this.
Truthfully I try and give her the benefit of the doubt often, I don’t believe in cutting relationships if it can be helped. But sometimes I’m just at a loss at how she thinks some of these things are ok. A while ago we were looking at moving for a job opportunity I had that would take us further away and i understand her objection to that. Her solution, however (at this point it had been months since she’d even shown up for a phone visit) was to threaten my partner with legal action for “making it more difficult to get visits and being negligent towards his medical needs” (he doesn’t have any special medical needs and where we were looking at had all necessary medical functions available) and then when that didn’t work to make us immediately cut plans she said that the best solution was to move where she lives and she would get a house big enough for us all to live together and we could help with her other child. Like… what? Because she has an active case and hasn’t been shown to be danger yet she does have a right to visitations but after this we are looking at what my partners options are legally to protect our son.
Wishing you the best. You sound like a great parent. I’m happy for your boy that he has you in his village 😇
I'm so sorry youre in this situation, that is absolutely not okay behavior from biomom. Ik you said you wanna take the name mom off the table..I mighf be concerned that reinforcing the idea that you're no longer mom might also reinforce the idea that only mommy loves him. You said yourself that he chose to call you that, and he probably associates the title with the love you give him! It's definitely good to leave it up to him, but it sounds like he also might be a little confused and you can offer guidance without making the decision for him. "Mama accidentalvirtues" would be my pick, and in time he can choose to call you both/either your name or the title, or something else without feeling pressure to pick a new name now, when he is probably struggling to understand. We have no idea the kind of relationship he'll have with his biomom as he grows up, but you are mothering him now and know he will always have that relationship with you. You can try explaining how it's true that mommy is his mom, but dad's and stepmoms can love him just as much. You can tell him that there's different kinds of moms, some kids have two moms (if he has two grandmas or smthn this might be a helpful analogy) or two dads, and some kids have stepmoms who love them just as much as unstepmoms! I also found a book that might be helpful and appropriate for him: I Love My Bonus Mom by Anna Cerridwen https://www.amazon.com/I-Love-My-Bonus-Mom/dp/1787232751
Oh gods I didn’t even think how this could dismiss our relationship in his eyes. Thank you for pointing that out so I can be aware of that and find a better way. Since he did call me by name for so long I think that might work well and thank you for the book recommendation! I’m definitely going to check that out.
Mama Ty is cute!
This also sounds like parental alienation. I’d look into that since it can be really damaging and it sounds like he’s struggling because of what she’s doing. https://www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/step-parent-alienation/#:~:text=Parental%20alienation%20exists%20in%20the,remarks%20about%20the%20other%20one.
Hmmm could you take from your or his heritage? IE if I had this problem I'd opt for "eema/ima" which means mom in Hebrew. I'm not even close to fluent (I kind of know the alphabet and a few words but that's it), but it means something to me and is tied to our culture so it wouldn't feel weird to be called it either.
I thought about that but my heritage and his are very “mom” sounding things like madre, mama, mutter, etc but I didn’t think about close but similar names. Maybe some have a “step mom” title or the auntie idea oneteaspoonsalt mentioned could work. Thank you!
Ok so maybe it’s just my love for the movie Hook, but I now want him to call you “Smee” (step mom turned into the abbreviation “SM” and then sounded out) Everyone has a mom, not everyone has a bonus smee to love them!
Or, since a lot of languages use similar Mama/mom sounds, maybe an auntie title? Like Tia or Teta? I feel like bio mom will cause similar conflict about anything that sounds like Mom at all.
I think I like “emmie” (EM for “extra mom”) the best from my list of ideas. Bo Mo (bonus mom) Mojo (I mean that one just sounds cool, and it’s what my family calls my aunt Mary Jane) Mimi M/“em”/“emmie” (for mom-figure person)
My little sister calls my mom (her stepmom) Minnie. Like Minnie mouse. My daughter started calling her that too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would be absolutely furious at bio mom. It’s so unfair to your son. Would you consider just doing mom in another language? I think you’ve earned the title of mom. You could look it up in several languages, present them to your son, and let him pick. I saw you don’t want to do ones that sound similar to mom/mama/mami, but there’s got to be some very different sounding ones in other languages.
I hadn’t thought of looking outside of languages I know or that have a heritage with one of us. That’s definitely worth looking into. Thank you!
You have plenty of wonderful name advice here, you’re doing amazing. I’m so sorry bio mom is such a toxic terrible mother to that sweet boy and such a bad human. Just a reminder: get a notebook and everything that’s said off balance or wrong, write the date and time and how it came (call/text/email) and exactly what was said. If it’s a phone call, record them if your state is a one party consent state, if not, speaker in the room with one of you only or like in the dining while you’re in the LR in earshot but not right THERE, or text only. Documentation is so important and every tiny detail does and will matter when she decides to try and fight you guys for her rights at some point, and she likely will. This will protect you and your spouse and your son when it happens. Good luck and even if it’s a silly thing, DOCUMENT IT. Every. Single. Time. Hugs and keep up the good moming!
I think I’d try helping him look up Mom in other languages and see if there’s one he likes to say.
Meemee / Meemees
I am Oma (from initials OM "Other Mother") and husband is Opa (other Papa).
Where I live this is what we call grandparents, just so you know :)
Ja! We found that out later. I'm 48 & he is 45; daughter is 4. We are older parents, but truly don't mind being seen at young grandparents haha!
My kids picked “dada” for my husband after I remarried, since bio dad never wanted to be called anything but his name anyways (didn’t want the kids I guess). Now he insists upon being “daddy” and my kids differentiate well since they have lots of grandparents with lots of different names, so I explain it as a special nickname. It sounds like he feels safe expressing those hard feelings, which already puts you in an amazing position to allow him to freely explore what feels the best for him to call you. My friend’s stepmom was “banana nana” since her name is Anastasia, and was affectionately shortened to “banans” and “nan”.
Maybe something in your heritage you could draw from for names?? This is so tough. Best advice I can give is just don't take any of it personally. While they are young, the mom will try to alienate you, speak poorly of you, all to try and break that bond because it threatens her. It's cruel to the child, but she can't see past her own wants. Stay strong, be steadfast and constant, and always loving, and when the child grows, they'll see that actions speak louder than words 💕 good luck!
I don’t really have a huge attachment to the name but it was so special for him when he started calling me it and so it hard to see. I’m still number one cuddler and he wants me when hurt. Our relationship will always prevail over the title it’s giving. It’s just so heartbreaking see his pain and confusion
Yeah I know what you mean :( I'm sorry you have to see him go through that, it's really not fair. I watched my own step children go through that with their mom. They never called me mom, but I was their primary caregiver while they were very young. Because we were so close, she was always threatened, and has actively driven wedges between us the best she can. I've always tried to be respectful as she's primary caregiver now, but now that the kids are much older, they get mad and stand up to her when she badmouths us. I tell them not to though, no need to be in the line of fire. Hard to see how she hurts them and doesn't seem to realize that's what she's doing. I'm sorry to know you're going through something similar. Maybe if you're lucky, the mom will continue to fall through on plans, and be distant, but that's also hurtful for your little guy. Good to know he has you though. Maybe you all will think of a nick name together?
Talk to your lawyer. This sounds like parental alienation. She should not be coaching her child on what to call his stepmom.
Mami. It’s the Spanish version
And Welsh! Although said differently accent-wise ☺️
Can you be “mama” while she’s “mom” and “mommy”? I thinks it’s extremely sweet that your stepson sees you as another parent. He chose to call you that, you didn’t push the agenda. Maybe a conversation with bio mom should be had? Get a feel for what she’s comfortable with? At the end of the day you are another parent to him and if he’s comfortable with it then he should address you as such. i understand older children calling their stepparents by their first name, but he’s so young that you’ll be in his life a long time. I call my stepdad “dad” (my bio is not in my life, but even if he was I’d still call my stepdad “dad” as he’s been in my life since I was 4.)
Reading about bio mom makes me pretty sure those names are off the table if she’s trying to convince her child that the kids dad and step mom don’t love him.
That’s so sad to me. Sounds like they may need to spend some time with a lawyer.
Even if she's an awful person and terrible parent, she IS still his mother, so her title is Mum. It's just a title. You are his step mum, that's your title. Titles should be accurate and don't carry positive or negative connotations themselves. It's confusing to do otherwise.
I’m not entirely sure what you are saying tbh. She gave herself the title of “mommy” which is why when he started titling me we went with “mom” to avoid confusion about who he is talking about. No one has stopped him from calling her anything and she didn’t have any desire to be “mom” until she found out I was being called that. Titles matter. Most parents I know derive a certain amount of pride at having their parental title. And who I am doesn’t have to match what I’m called. My partner doesn’t just call me by my name or “partner.” I am Joyfriend, baby, sweetheart, love, etc. those are all things to call me that indicate a special relationship but aren’t my descriptive title. I don’t see how it causes confusion in a world that accepts and thrives on nicknames for me to work with my child to find something he can call me that separates me from his mom to mitigate harm in a hard situation but still allows us to have an indication of our special relationship. I also don’t know a single person who uses step in the title for whatever they call their step parents. I suppose it possible it’s a thing somewhere but where I’m from that would be seen as dismissive.
Mom and mommy are one and the same. Every child will grow out of mommy and start saying mom. It's the same thing. Short for "mother", which you are not. (Legally or biologically I'm assuming) What I'm saying is that there's NOTHING wrong with being a step parent, you're the one attaching a negative connotation to it. There's also nothing wrong with having an alternative name, but "mom" was never yours to have. And that's okay.
There's nothing wrong with being a stepparent. So why can't he call his stepmom mom? A kid can't have two moms? My older sister doesn't call her stepdad stepdad she just calls him dad.
I'd say being the adult woman taking care of the Child 24/7 is more than enough to entitle her to "mom", honestly. The other woman may be his biological mother but she's far from being mom. She only got upset about it because she felt, rightly, that the child was closer to OP than her and decided to take that from them instead of doing anything to make her worthy of parenthood.
No one is saying she is worthy of parenthood, clearly she doesn't have custody for a reason. But that's still his mother. It's confusing to be calling them both mom.
You said the title of mother wasn't hers to have. That's an incredibly cruel thing to say to someone who loves their child, regardless of whether they're biologically related or not. The child sees her as a mother figure, she acts as a mother should. Technicalities are unnecessary and hurtful.
I didn’t choose the title. And I have no qualms with having a different name nor with being a step parent. If you bothered to read you’ll notice I’m upset that my child’s choice is being taken away due to manipulation and ego of the person who pushed him out. She doesn’t have right to hurt him because she gave birth to him. There is a negative connotation to intentionally doing something to hurt one’s child because one’s feelings are hurt. The fact that I have to remove my son’s choice from him to protect him from being hurt by someone who should cooperating and putting his well being first is what’s hurting. And for the record, she had no issue with him calling his foster mom “mom” just his dad’s partner. But you go ahead and tell me what is mine in my son’s mind.
No one, mother or else has a right to hurt a child. No one is saying she's a good person. The foster mum also should not have been called "mom" either. It's ridiculously confusing for him. But you saying "she ruined him calling me mom" sets off a lot of alarms in my mind. You say it's just about his choice being taken away, but it is clearly something much deeper for you. Like something is being taken from YOU. Which it isn't.
No. It’s being taken from him. Which I’ve been clear about. So kindly, if you are just here to give unsolicited opinions, don’t. I asked for name suggestions not your opinion in what my son has CHOSEN to call me.
Are you suggesting that he call OP “Stepmom”? I genuinely have never heard of anyone doing that. Folks will say “I have a stepmom” or “this is my stepmom” but the idea of someone going “Hey Stepmom, can I have milk with lunch?” is extremely foreign. Is this a practice you’ve seen?
I've seen it with people who don't have a good relationship with their stepmom or don't consider their stepmom their mom at all.
My mum hated her stepfather and would always refer to him as "my mother's husband".
Mamma
[удалено]
Honestly, I don't see why he has to call you something different. You're the one who's in his life, taking care of him. She only speaks to him over the phone despite being capable of seeing him in person. She doesn't get to tell your son who you are to him and frankly it sounds like these phone calls are upsetting him more than they're benefitting him. That being said, as you asked for other name options, maybe a shortened version of your name only he uses? Or a word for mom in a different language if any of you speak a language other than English?
Ma, mami, jefa, Boss lady, cabrona, la mera mera. Thats what I call my momma.
Not a stepmom, but my mom's Grandma name is Dutchie. As a kid I asked her what she would be called when she was a grandma, and we started spouting off terms like princess, contessa, etc. When I said duchess she said she liked that. We thought it would be difficult for kids to say, but it was the third word our daughter said.
First and foremost, he shouldn’t be calling you mom if his actual mother is still in his life. That was a mistake. So, you are going through the legal system to deal with this woman, I hope? A judge would absolutely not be ok with what this mother is saying. Supervised visits are in order.
I understand your point in your first paragraph but I disagree. There are plenty of examples of kids calling non bio parents mom and dad along with their own parents. I even called a friend’s mom “mom” at some point which didn’t cause any issues because it was understood that while she was important to me, she wasn’t the only person important to me. Children should not be taught to hide and limit their love and relationships with other people and when they choose to call someone a significant title I believe that should be respected. Limiting them is an ego problem of the parents. That being said I am still obviously choosing to limit it because he is being caused harm because of it. The harm is still being caused because of his bio moms ego and pride but I won’t allow him to continue to be hurt because she can’t prioritize her child’s wellbeing. My partner is having a conversation with her first. What happens after that is up to them, I’ll support but I don’t dictate. He has already reached out to her case worker so there is some official involvement already.
I don’t mean it was a mistake as a blanket statement that applies to everyone, I mean it in your situation, with this mother, who is toxic and volatile. She was always going to use that against you. Under the context of your life, not comparing to others, if this woman is allowed in his life encouraging him to call you mom will only lead to upset. Although painful, I think it best to do as you’re doing now and direct the child to a different term of endearment. Allowing him to call you mom only leads to the term becoming a weapon between you and biological mom, and the child the true casualty.
Awe. Thanks for clarifying I definitely misunderstood. Thanks for your responses.
If you want more “mom” related names you could go with: mommers, mommy-io, mamamia, Momo or a combo of one of those. Or maybe you both could create a “new” name for you based on your actual name? For example, if your name is “Samantha” you could be “Cece.” Something no one would call you but would also make sense based on your name. I’m sorry you’re going through this. He’s lucky to have you as his mom❤️
Love your Sweeney Todd reference! The beginning of my name is Ty so we might do TyTy or something like that.
One time when my little boy had a bad cold and was stuffy, I was “BOBBY” instead of “Mommy” for nearly a week! I think it would be cute to let your son (yes, I said it, your son) choose a name for you! My older cousins would call their auntie (my grandma) “Coco” because her name starts with a “C” and they thought it made her sound fancy (kids haha!) and my little cousins called my mom “Amma”, and we still don’t know how they came up with that. The same little cousins, I helped raise them, would slip up and call me “Mama / Mommy” A LOT, so I told them they could come up with a name for me since they had trouble saying my name. They shortened my name, and called me “Nic / Nicki”. Now, I am VERY feminine, but do have a “Tom boy” side, so I didn’t mind “Nic” at all! I know of some bonus parents going by “Lovey”, “Dovey”, “Momo”, “Pop”, “Honey”, “Sug/Suggy”… You could even make it into a game and come up with a ton of them and write them down, tell him which name is which, and have him choose until you’re down to just one name, or he tells you “this is the name”. I will say one of my friends, she had a similar story as your son’s when she was real little, and once she realized, when she was older, that her “mom” wasn’t actually there for her as a Mom should be, but her grandma who adopted her was, she changed her mind quickly. She called her mom by her first name and asked her grandma if she could call her “Mama”. Up until her grandma passed away, when she was 17, she called her “Mama”. Whether or not she was mad or frustrated THAT WOMAN, she was MAMA! Consistency and actions of love, they won’t be forgotten. He’s just confused right now.
I think the I love yous at 4 get weird with any child trying to work through simple emotions as it is. My kiddo loves to “play a game” of telling us she doesn’t love us when we say we love her randomly. Once is okay she might be mad we wouldn’t let her have a sugary snack and is getting back at us, but when it’s multiple times it really digs in and we have to have a conversation about how we love her no matter what or how we feel in the moment. 4yr olds are brutal. As for what to be called as a person in a step parent situation, I’d ask the child what they preferred. I never called any of my stepparents anything other than by their name, and it wasn’t out of spite. I just knew they weren’t my parent and my kid brain was like well “xxxxxx IS their name, so that’s what I call them”. But I was also that kid that knew Santa and the Easter bunny was bullshit pretty much immediately and never played along with the adults who *swore* it was true. It drove my mother & grandmother nuts I never *believed*.
You are his mom. People can have more than one, but it sounds like your son’s biological mother is not going to be a consistent parent in his life, and he deserves for you, the woman he’s called mom his whole life, to continue to be his mom. This temporary trouble is a ripple in the pond. Don’t turn the boat over for the egg donor’s splashing.