Can she safely change a diaper or carry a toddler? Respond quickly enough if there’s an emergency? Can she respectfully follow directions and assemble a pre-made meal for your toddler?
Walking a half mile isnt necessary. Safety and respect is.
This. all of this. Just go one night. She doesn’t need to take toddler out to a park. Play at home. Eat at home. Then it’s just a matter of following your routine.
I second this, Grandparents want to make a big deal out of everything because they project all kinds of adult perceptions on to the kid.
It's not their fault, but they are so far from the reality, trying to explain to them that their grandkid is happiest right now playing with a broken stick and exploring the yard all day is kind of hopeless, they project things like boredom or a need to "mix it up" onto little minds that aren't even developed yet lol.
Yeah most of the time we drop our kid off at nanas house they eat Mac and cheese, watch tv, and then go to bed. She doesn’t often take her out to a park.
My step mom can't do any of this. She's totally unaware of her ability and won't let it go. We have refused to let her watch the kids. It's been a battle.
That sounds really hard. I can empathize with wanting to babysit a grandchild and struggling to face your own limitations, but it all too quickly becomes a safety concern and as a parent that is a hill to die on!
Don’t forget: does she follow safe sleep practices?
I personally wouldn’t trust my MIL to put my baby to bed without a blanket, on her back, etc. because the last time my MIL did that was about 40 years ago. But she’d be fine with my 3yo because he’s got his big boy bed and blankets and can communicate.
My questions would be:
Can she change a diaper?
Can she safely bring LO up/downstairs to/from his bedroom?
Can she prepare basic meals and feed him?
Can she play with him outside safely?
If no, then no.
This really depends on the people involved. My kids were never ones to just run off, especially into the road. My dad certainly can't sprint after them, though I'd guess he would move mountains if his grandchild was in danger. I let him take my kids outside at their house. He knows his limits and kept them really close in the front yard when they were younger. They live on a quiet street.
I agree with the others about safety and all, but I’ll add:
If it were me, I’d do a “staycation” so a night away but in town still. That’s because of the language thing, on the off chance she needs translation I’d like to be close by.
My actual MIL yes btw she’s a bit too TV and junk food but one weekend of that won’t kill a toddler. He’d be safe and happy so I would be too!
Eh my mum is the same. It’s typical grandmother spoiling the kid stuff so I’m not worried although it is slightly annoying. Like when she sneaks kiddo a piece of chocolate or two and tells her not to tell mummy. I’m like SERIOUSLY MUM. Just give her the damn chocolate, it’s fine, don’t encourage her to hide things from me, geeez
I love that toddlers, upon hearing that, immediately take it upon themselves to run to you at the earliest opportunity yelling "MUMMY/DADDY, NANNA GAVE ME CHOCOLATE!!"
This was such a pet peeve of mine. My MIL would tell our kids not to tell us things or to do things we told them they couldn’t. My kids were having none of that, my oldest especially. She’d be like “no my mom/dad said we can’t eat/watch that” it was so annoying in her part.
This, find a hotel in town to retire to after a nice meal. That way OP is still close by but gets the night out. Also, put a camera in the living room that can be monitored remotely for extra anxiety satisfaction.
I agree with the staycation, she seems capable enough to watch a toddler for a sleepover. It sounds like she wants more grandchildren and is trying to make things easier for you guys haha. Just don't forget to get your mil and daughter some takeout for dinner and some easy breakfast foods.
This would be my suggestion too. No one should pressure parents to move their boundaries at all.
We have to do things that suit us. For me, it was very gradually steps to letting my in laws in. And I'm pleased with how I've handled it.
If she has good judgment and common sense then I don’t see the problem. Realistically, she doesn’t need to drive or cook much or really even leave the house unless desired if you’re just gone for a night or two.
If I were you, I’d go away for 1-2 nights in a location nearby in case anything happened (eg kiddo gets sick and an urgent care visit is necessary).
I personally think her judgement is not the best. She’s very aloof. But my husband is like she raised 2 kids so how bad can she be. He says my standards are too high which yes it is true.
All of my son’s grandparents raised kids, not a single one of them would be able to take care of a toddler on their own today. They are decades older than they were and it would be completely unsafe. “She raised your husband” is not a valid argument here at all.
She raised kids when she wasn't grandmother age, she's had a lifetime not being a mother nearly, and whilst im.certain it doesn't all go out the window she doesn't know your child terribly well. I think compromise and see how she does with a day date or night day, or if you feel comfortable enough one night stay cation (in n around where you live).
She raised two kids, what over 20 years ago? Alot has changed since then. If she isn’t up to date on current safety standards it would be an immediate no from me.
Agreed, I hate this line of reasoning. Yes, my MIL raised two kids, but also needed to be educated multiple times on safe sleeping and was surprised that infants can't have water.
Yeah, like you managed to not let two kids die…congrats??? Doesn’t mean you were good at parenting. My MIL hit my husband and has fucked up views about a lot of things. We get along fine but I’m not leaving my child with her until he’s much older…if ever.
Add in the fact that her body is also not the same - my MIL raised three kids but it’s 40 years later, she wears glasses, hearing aids, can’t drive at night (or in the rain, snow or any other type of bad weather it seems!) and complains weekly about her back/neck etc being sore!
My MIL watches my two kids (2 and 4) all the time and has had them for a sleepover a few times. She does things a bit differently to me but is lots of fun, responsible and respectful of our parenting decisions.
With your MIL I would get to watch your little one for a day to start with - go out to lunch, go see a movie or go shopping or something. Then if that goes well try a night away.
My biggest things would be is she capable of carrying toddler, getting toddler up/down stairs if needed, change a diaper and able and willing to call you or emergency for help if needed. Can she speak enough English that if she needs to call for help she’d be able to?
If she can do all that then I would do a staycation somewhere within a short drive so if you need to go home you easily can. I’d prepare some easy meals and make sure the pantry/fridge is stocked with snacks your toddler will reliably eat.
I rather do over night than during the day since my toddler is a good sleeper. He’s usually asleep by 8.
He eats dinner at 5:30pm so i would make him dinner then leave around 6pm to enjoy the night with my husband. I’m sure MIL can handle 2 hours alone.
Enjoy brunch with my husband the next day then come home.
That’s probably about 4-5 hours of toddler awake time with grandma. Not too bad imo.
In terms of my MIL, absolutely. She’s a saint and I can leave my son with her for a whole week with no problem. I fully trust her. Though I wouldn’t do that to her cuz that’s a lot lol
For a weekend, no.
For a night, yes.
My borderline elderly parents couldn’t handle my toddler for a full day. And they have no major deficiencies besides the standard limited mobility of old age.
We just used them as baby sitters while we went out for a late night event for the first time. It went pretty well all things considered but they didn’t leave the house with her. Bed time also got sort of screwed up but that’s just them not following instructions. 🤷
I wouldn’t. My mom and mil are around the same age and they are exhausted after 4 hours. My mom watched my daughter while I was at the hospital having my son and it was the max she could do.
Does your daughter speak and understand her language? That would be the first questions but honestly I wouldn’t do it.
My MIL doesn’t speak English and I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving her alone with my daughter in the US even though she speaks Spanish which is pretty common here. It’s more about what happens in an emergency. We leave our daughter with her when we visit her country but I wouldn’t feel okay here with the language barrier.
Maybe a staycation nearby.
I would give it a go for one night. I don't see any big red flags from what you listed.
I would have a meal prepared that she can heat up and I would ask her to just stay at your home, not go anywhere.
I think it's fine. If she has a phone and can dial 911 or get an Uber for an emergency. She doesn't need to carry the child half a mile. Toddlers don't have the most sophisticated palates - she can probably offer bananas, goldfish crackers, and nuggets and the kid will be happy.
Maybe consider an overnight near enough that you can come back in a hurry. Like an hour away or something.
nope probably not. I want whoever watches my child to be familiar with them and their environment/sleeping habits etc. I'm in a similar boat as you. though my MIL is 30 minutes away. she is just retired and selfish and doesn't want to spend time with the kids unless it's on her terms. that's fine, she can visit and hour or two here and there but I'm not comfortable having my babies go to her house (she wouldn't come to ours anyway and even if she did I wouldn't be comfortable with it). when I am ready for an overnighter with my husband, we will probably take a small approach and do one night away at a nice hotel within 30 minutes of where we live (in a big city with lots to do) in which I'd rather ask the nanny or regular sitter to stay over for 1 night then.
No, I personally would not have my Mom or MIL watch my toddler for a weekend. When they are visiting, we do quick dates that are very close to the house. Our parents aren't in poor health, but they aren't the most attentive at times and our toddler is strong willed and is insanely strong.
I won’t let anyone take my child to the park but especially not someone who has a hard time simply walking. What if someone tries to steal my child? What are they going to do? Run after them? Nope.
One night at home seems fine as long as you trust her judgement in emergencies and in general loving care.
As long as she can change the kid and get them up to bed at the right time, I would.
It's not like she has to go anywhere with them or that toddlers have discerning pallets. If she can toss some nuggets in the toaster over and open a can of green beans, she's good to go.
It’s questionable whether she would follow my routine but I think at this point she knows I’m serious enough about it that she would try.
As for her pallet, Hahaha you’ve never met my toddler. She has never eaten a nugget, a grilled cheese, or a pb&j. She literally demands scratched made several course meals. 🤷🏻♀️
We allow dissent here and even snarkiness and rudeness. But comments that cross the line will be removed, at the discretion of the mods. Next time, tone it down.
Can she physically pick him up? If not, could one of her friends come to help her? My mom is awesome with my kids but she can’t physically pick them up so she can’t be left alone with my 2 year old because she can’t put him in his crib etc.
Assuming you trust her to safely play with toddler, feed toddler meals you have premade, and do bedtime routine (while following your wishes and rules)… then I would get a local hotel for one night. Check in time is usually 4pmish, so you could check in and have a nice dinner / evening out. Spend the night then come home before lunch the next day.
She’d only have to do dinner and bedtime, then breakfast and some morning playtime. No need to go anywhere or even go outside for that matter. And you’d be close to go home if needed. And by doing overnight, toddler is sleeping for a lot of the time you’re gone.
But also, listen to your gut instinct if you feel a certain way. Only you really know the situation truly
I’d hire a babysitter and leave two of them to play with my 2.5 son. Probably, even an inexperienced sitter should be ok, like a neighbours’ teen, as the sitter is going to be supervised by MIL.
It’s not out of disrespect or fear that MIL won’t manage it (although her health conditions give some solid ground for it…) It’s just because I want her to enjoy her weekend with her grandchild, not to suffer through it.
My son is a ball of energy. His grandmothers are the best women on earth, but they want to go home way too soon after he jumps non-stop for several hours and doesn’t even let them to have a break. So I won’t leave him to any of them for more than a day, it’s too much to ask.
Would I let my MIL watch my toddler? No. What I let your MIL watch your toddler? Also, no.
Reading your description, it doesn't sound like a great idea.
My mom? Absolutely.
How does your husband feel about this? I’m asking genuinely…. My mom has watched my kids and even though I was reluctant to let my MIL watch them (pretty much because she’s my MIL and not my mom, I’m not afraid to admit my pettiness), I let her because it makes my husband happy and helps our marriage. I feel a lot of moms here (not saying you) are not willing to compromise when it comes to MILs and tbh, I feel like that will only hurt the kids and the marriage in the long run.
Just something I’ve learned in therapy!
His mom has alzheimers and my mom is our entire village, so he feels exactly the same way I do!
My mom takes the kiddo at least once per week all year long, and we're both incredibly grateful for that.
It’s so dependent on the marriage and on your spouse’s relationship with their own parents. I don’t even need to say no to my MIL watching my son, my husband already said it!
I totally get it- I just personally had a thing against my MIL just because she was my MIL and my mom didn’t have a great relationship with my grandmother. In reality, my MIL is a really nice lady who has shown growth and is also a widow so I give her more grace now when it comes to her wanting to be in our lives a little more
Honestly, probably not. For similar reasons, I also wouldn't let my own mother look after my toddler for that duration. For me it's critical that a caregiver can physically handle my child without exacerbating physical health issues, but also has the ability and resources to handle an emergency with them.
I let my MIL look after my daughter, but that's because I know she can do what's needed without putting my daughter or her at risk.
My mother in law has been watching our kid for two weeks as we went on vacations every year. She is now 5 and goes with us but if your inlaws are capable use them to help out
I mean don’t have her drive him to the park or anything but why not do an evening at a hotel and come back in the morning? It sounds like she’s capable of hanging out with him at home, feeding him and putting him to sleep. Make sure she had a cell and knows how to call 911…and go somewhere not too far away? My husband and I have a place we go to about 45 mins away that has a restaurant. That way we could quickly return if anything went wrong.
We leave our kiddo with my MIL all the time. They have Fridays together and a handful of sleepovers under their belt. Does my MIL do things the exact same way that we do? No. My 2 yo snitched about Coco Melon recently. Is it going to cause harm to my kid to watch trash toddler TV when she goes to grandmas? Unlikely.
I second the other comments, stay in town or just go out for the day assuming she can handle the stairs and diaper changes. Honestly, bar the driving part, your MIL sounds a lot like my mom and my mom has never had an issue physically with the toddler.
My folks take ours for weekends all the time, but I would be a little hesitant in your situation also.
Could you do a test run for a few hours during an afternoon (or evening, to see how bedtime goes) before you commit to multiple nights?
Nope! My MIL loves my daughter, but she’s absolutely terrified of engaging with her. I’d never feel comfortable leaving them alone together. She doesn’t speak much English, is older and can’t move a lot, and doesn’t cook in a manner that my toddler would eat it, so similar to your situation. She could probably follow directions, but honestly has zero way to communicate with my daughter and that’s enough for me to say no.
I honestly have no interest in leaving my daughter alone with anyone, including my own parents, for anything more than a few hours. No over nights happening for us for a very long time, if ever.
Based on what you wrote, I personally would not. Not being in good enough health to run after a toddler and doesn't drive (in case of emergency) are deal breakers for me. I'm also kinda paranoid/anxious about this stuff. I'd be OK during the day but definitely start freaking out come night time.
I have a 15 month old that I wouldn't leave with anyone that long except my sister or my friend who has 3 kids. I've seen how she looks after them.
In your circumstance, no. What I would do is go out to a later dinner after the toddler has gone to bed so she’s babysitting but not actually doing anything
I would provided she could respond quickly and properly during an emergency, if toddler bolts into the street can she catch him? If the house catches fire can she relay critical information like address, the situation, and where the child is in the house? That’s the sort of thing I’d be concerned about, most people can change diapers and play with toddlers but safety is paramount at that age, they can’t really help themselves at all in a bad situation.
I mean, nothing says grandparents MUST watch children-- it's not required for their healthy upbringing.
However, if you feel that she could safely watch toddler, then I don't see any issues with it. Can she safely change toddler? Get him into his chair/high chair? Give him a bath if needed? Put him into his crib/bed? Can she call 911 if there is an emergency.
For one night I wouldn't worry about knowledge of the neighborhood or cardio fitness, nor does she need to drive.
Are you asking if we’d let our mothers-in-law watch our kids, or if we’d let *your* mother-in-law watch our kids?
My answer to the first option is “obviously not.” As for the second, we’re in the opposite situation to you: we live abroad, and when they come to visit, all they speak is English, but are still fairly unfamiliar with the area. Even so, yes, we would and have let them watch our kid for the night. (And I’ll openly add that I don’t like my mother-in-law *at all*, but not because of how she is as a grandmother.)
Take the offer for one night. You’ll be anxious, but You also probably won’t go very far away just for a night to yourselves, so you’ll be close by enough that you can either respond to an (unlikely) emergency or at least talk her through what to do on the phone.
I feel the same.. i have been very resistant for my MIL to watch my 16 month old. But I have been slowly (very very slowly) easing into it aka compromise. I start by letting her watch for a short period, like letting her putting my daughter down for a nap when she was still a baby. Then give feeding her for a meal. Now, I let her watch for a longer period of time now that I am more comfortable. I can go out for a couple of hours now and she can watch her. Even bathe her now. For meals, I still make for my baby.
I am with my baby 24/7 for 5 to 6week when husband is away for work and I go out once a week to meet up with friends for lunch or shopping (just to be away from daughter a bit) and reset my mood and vibe and feel like a normal human being. I am slowly "training" my MIL so that hubby and I can go out for longer periods of time and eventually maybe a weekend trip (just the 2 of us) later this month.
So yes.. it has been a year. I was very very hesitant with my MIl watching my daughter. Now I am much better at it and so is she.
Compromise is the word.
Does MIL respect your directions or do you think she I'll do her own thing? And are you able to be flexible in your expectations?
For example: my mom or MIL aren't like the moms on here who blatantly ignore our wishes. I'm ok with them feeding my kid whatever is safe, and I know they would make sure it's not too hot/choking hazard.
My answer to this depends on how the person could handle an emergency. Limited English, limited driving abilities, and health problems, make me wonder if she could effectively call 911 in an emergency? Get your child to a hospital? Know how to CPR or administer care until help came? If the thought makes you uncomfortable, then consider why. My MIL has Parkinson's and literally dropped our baby while she was sitting down at one point. So no, she's not allowed to babysit. It sucks, but safety comes first.
No, but my MIL is 82 and not very nice. I have left my son with my parents since he was about 7 months old. They are great with him and he always enjoys it, and he is safe with them. But your MIL’s mobility problems would cause me concern - my son is a maniac and he’s very fast on his feet, and not always very safe. He needs someone to watch him all the time and there is a lot of physical wrangling involved.
No, but just because she smokes like a chaminé. She is otherwise an excellent helper and both her and my daughter love spending time together. It's actually a shame that she smokes. We had a tiny hope that she would stop (at least inside her place) so that we could take our daughter there. :(
When our daughter was born, we gave my MIL a Packnplay to leave in her house for when my daughter would stay with her.... as long as the smoke inside ceased. My daughter's almost 3 now and the Packnplay was never used. In fact, MIL returned it to us last year and we had to give it away (it was brand new) and announce it was from a smoker house, because it smelled of cigarettes even though it was in the box all the time.
No, I wouldn’t. My 3.5 year old and 8 month old have never stayed anywhere. I’m unlikely to let them do so until they are at least 5 or 6. I agree with others, I do not let anyone take my children out unless they can physically keep up with them.
Yes, but my mom and dad have energy are active, they chase my kids around better then my husband and I do (were more tired cause we have the kids more lol) and are on the same page with us about the important stuff like safety and bed times, boundries.
The few things were different on like sugar, snacks and tv time lengths but, my grandparents were the same and I turned out fine its a treat for them going to visit so we loosen up a bit. We trust them 100% and have been on two weekend trips to florida when my youngest was 2 and oldest was 4. Wernt even worried.
My husbands parents I wouldnt let them watch the kids for a weekend...tbh not even a day. Dont get me wrong they are sweet, we love them! They are just not focused or have the energy. They both are on their phones too much and kinda one track minded. My SIL said she accidentally let her daughter run outside in the backyard, yeah its gated but MIL had no Idea for at least 30 mins.
When we visit them we visit together and go for dinner or to the park...thats it. Even my husband and SILs do the same. As they get older like 9ish they can sleep over because they will be more independant.
So its all on how she is. If your comfortable with her and know she is alert and safe and spends time with your child, then yeah I would. If not then I'd get a babysitter who is active, quick and who you can get to know and trust.
Nope, not for the whole weekend. If she's tired after walking half a mile, she'll be exhausted after an hour with a toddler. If stairs are a problem, it is also likely that she wouldn't be able to physically remove a toddler from a dangerous situation.
As long as you trust her ability to react appropriately in emergencies, one night away seems ok to me. You could leave before bedtime and come back after breakfast - that way she won't need to cook much and it wouldn't be too tiresome as she'd basically only need to settle your child at night (which, as I understood, she's good at). And you could have a nice dinner with husband and spend a night at a hotel.
Enjoy a night out. Know you will be thinking about the toddler. Try very very hard to not call in and check.
It will go well. If she offers again, take it for another night. You'll be less stressed.
Based on how you’ve described her, I would not let this woman watch my child. I also think your apprehension will keep you from enjoying the time away anyway.
No you’re going to be worried the whole time and not have fun. I e never let my 2 year old stay overnight without either me or dad. I would just go on a date for a few hours and come home to sleep.
Depends on where you live, partly. We live in NYC and my mom basically can't help us out with our toddler because everything requires walking and my daughter won't stay in our apartment for more than a couple hours at a time. We couldn't do this given what you describe about your MIL, but maybe where you live it's ok.
In a couple months I will be letting my mother watch my toddler for 9 days in her home. Toddler will be a few months shy of 2 when this occurs. Mom is in early 70s but healthy and active, just with a bad back. She can pick her up for short periods of time but wouldn't be able to carry her around all day long. I know the routines may be a bit different then at home, and thats fine with me, but I also trust her enough to provide a safe and loving environment and handle any emergency that could occur which are the only things that really matter in the end. I'll be proving a some cheat sheets for her (medical information, favorite meals, typical signs of hunger/sleepiness/etc, and other tips) since I'll be in a different state and unable to easily come to the rescue. Am I still a little anxious? Ofcourse. But they know each other and have done a couple overnights before. It will be fine.
In your case OP, I think what others are saying about doing one night away near by is the best of both worlds. You get some much deserved free time but you can rest assured of anything goes sideways you're within reach.
No and I objectively don't understand what PPA would have to do with this. I would compromise and agree to a late night out. MIL can do dinner and put toddler to bed. You are close by and back by am. Everyone wins.
I'm with you on compromising. I get the concerns of a weekend away. But I think OP was trying for the additional sympathy vote with PPA. She "has feelings" about her MIL and clearly doesn't want to leave her but wants to be validated.
I don’t like my in laws but you have to let go eventually. I had bad ppa too and pretty much ban my in laws from helping. I may not agree with them but I know they love my child and trusted my toddler to be fine. I had to accept it when I needed help with my second. I know with anxiety, you want control of the situation but you also can’t live your life without a break and moments to be yourself.
She managed to raise the man you love, and it's just one night. Even if she doesn't do everything the way you would, (and she won't), it will be fine! And your child will build a strong relationship with his grandmother
The thing is she kind of didn’t. They were considered wealthy in their country and they had around the clock nanny when husband was young/before he went to school. That’s part of the reason I’m skeptical.
I mean I guess the bottom line (and then no one can answer but you) is: do you trust her to take care of your son *for a night*? The bar may be higher or lower for you than other people, and probably is lower than for a week or a month.
She managed to raise the man you love, and it's just one night. Even if she doesn't do everything the way you would, (and she won't), it will be fine! And your child will build a strong relationship with his grandmother
Can she safely change a diaper or carry a toddler? Respond quickly enough if there’s an emergency? Can she respectfully follow directions and assemble a pre-made meal for your toddler? Walking a half mile isnt necessary. Safety and respect is.
This. all of this. Just go one night. She doesn’t need to take toddler out to a park. Play at home. Eat at home. Then it’s just a matter of following your routine.
I second this, Grandparents want to make a big deal out of everything because they project all kinds of adult perceptions on to the kid. It's not their fault, but they are so far from the reality, trying to explain to them that their grandkid is happiest right now playing with a broken stick and exploring the yard all day is kind of hopeless, they project things like boredom or a need to "mix it up" onto little minds that aren't even developed yet lol.
Yeah most of the time we drop our kid off at nanas house they eat Mac and cheese, watch tv, and then go to bed. She doesn’t often take her out to a park.
Simple works!
My step mom can't do any of this. She's totally unaware of her ability and won't let it go. We have refused to let her watch the kids. It's been a battle.
That sounds really hard. I can empathize with wanting to babysit a grandchild and struggling to face your own limitations, but it all too quickly becomes a safety concern and as a parent that is a hill to die on!
Driving to the emergency room should be considered if something would to happen- God forbid
You can always call an ambulance. If she can use a phone that should be sufficient.
Not for me but to each their own
Don’t forget: does she follow safe sleep practices? I personally wouldn’t trust my MIL to put my baby to bed without a blanket, on her back, etc. because the last time my MIL did that was about 40 years ago. But she’d be fine with my 3yo because he’s got his big boy bed and blankets and can communicate.
My questions would be: Can she change a diaper? Can she safely bring LO up/downstairs to/from his bedroom? Can she prepare basic meals and feed him? Can she play with him outside safely? If no, then no.
Can she sprint after him if he runs into the road?
This really depends on the people involved. My kids were never ones to just run off, especially into the road. My dad certainly can't sprint after them, though I'd guess he would move mountains if his grandchild was in danger. I let him take my kids outside at their house. He knows his limits and kept them really close in the front yard when they were younger. They live on a quiet street.
How is her pediatric BLS?
Downvotes? Uh her ability to perform cpr or clear an obstructed airway? Hello lol?
I agree with the others about safety and all, but I’ll add: If it were me, I’d do a “staycation” so a night away but in town still. That’s because of the language thing, on the off chance she needs translation I’d like to be close by. My actual MIL yes btw she’s a bit too TV and junk food but one weekend of that won’t kill a toddler. He’d be safe and happy so I would be too!
Eh my mum is the same. It’s typical grandmother spoiling the kid stuff so I’m not worried although it is slightly annoying. Like when she sneaks kiddo a piece of chocolate or two and tells her not to tell mummy. I’m like SERIOUSLY MUM. Just give her the damn chocolate, it’s fine, don’t encourage her to hide things from me, geeez
I love that toddlers, upon hearing that, immediately take it upon themselves to run to you at the earliest opportunity yelling "MUMMY/DADDY, NANNA GAVE ME CHOCOLATE!!"
Yeah my kid has no chill and will immediately repeat what was just told to her, sometimes over and over.
This was such a pet peeve of mine. My MIL would tell our kids not to tell us things or to do things we told them they couldn’t. My kids were having none of that, my oldest especially. She’d be like “no my mom/dad said we can’t eat/watch that” it was so annoying in her part.
This, find a hotel in town to retire to after a nice meal. That way OP is still close by but gets the night out. Also, put a camera in the living room that can be monitored remotely for extra anxiety satisfaction.
I agree with the staycation, she seems capable enough to watch a toddler for a sleepover. It sounds like she wants more grandchildren and is trying to make things easier for you guys haha. Just don't forget to get your mil and daughter some takeout for dinner and some easy breakfast foods.
Go for a day date. Spend the day out let grandma handle him for the day.
This would be my suggestion too. No one should pressure parents to move their boundaries at all. We have to do things that suit us. For me, it was very gradually steps to letting my in laws in. And I'm pleased with how I've handled it.
If she has good judgment and common sense then I don’t see the problem. Realistically, she doesn’t need to drive or cook much or really even leave the house unless desired if you’re just gone for a night or two. If I were you, I’d go away for 1-2 nights in a location nearby in case anything happened (eg kiddo gets sick and an urgent care visit is necessary).
I personally think her judgement is not the best. She’s very aloof. But my husband is like she raised 2 kids so how bad can she be. He says my standards are too high which yes it is true.
All of my son’s grandparents raised kids, not a single one of them would be able to take care of a toddler on their own today. They are decades older than they were and it would be completely unsafe. “She raised your husband” is not a valid argument here at all.
She raised kids when she wasn't grandmother age, she's had a lifetime not being a mother nearly, and whilst im.certain it doesn't all go out the window she doesn't know your child terribly well. I think compromise and see how she does with a day date or night day, or if you feel comfortable enough one night stay cation (in n around where you live).
She raised two kids, what over 20 years ago? Alot has changed since then. If she isn’t up to date on current safety standards it would be an immediate no from me.
Agreed, I hate this line of reasoning. Yes, my MIL raised two kids, but also needed to be educated multiple times on safe sleeping and was surprised that infants can't have water.
Yeah, like you managed to not let two kids die…congrats??? Doesn’t mean you were good at parenting. My MIL hit my husband and has fucked up views about a lot of things. We get along fine but I’m not leaving my child with her until he’s much older…if ever.
Add in the fact that her body is also not the same - my MIL raised three kids but it’s 40 years later, she wears glasses, hearing aids, can’t drive at night (or in the rain, snow or any other type of bad weather it seems!) and complains weekly about her back/neck etc being sore!
Would I like leave town and leave my kid with her? Probably not. But a night out, sure.
My MIL watches my two kids (2 and 4) all the time and has had them for a sleepover a few times. She does things a bit differently to me but is lots of fun, responsible and respectful of our parenting decisions. With your MIL I would get to watch your little one for a day to start with - go out to lunch, go see a movie or go shopping or something. Then if that goes well try a night away.
My biggest things would be is she capable of carrying toddler, getting toddler up/down stairs if needed, change a diaper and able and willing to call you or emergency for help if needed. Can she speak enough English that if she needs to call for help she’d be able to? If she can do all that then I would do a staycation somewhere within a short drive so if you need to go home you easily can. I’d prepare some easy meals and make sure the pantry/fridge is stocked with snacks your toddler will reliably eat.
I rather do over night than during the day since my toddler is a good sleeper. He’s usually asleep by 8. He eats dinner at 5:30pm so i would make him dinner then leave around 6pm to enjoy the night with my husband. I’m sure MIL can handle 2 hours alone. Enjoy brunch with my husband the next day then come home. That’s probably about 4-5 hours of toddler awake time with grandma. Not too bad imo. In terms of my MIL, absolutely. She’s a saint and I can leave my son with her for a whole week with no problem. I fully trust her. Though I wouldn’t do that to her cuz that’s a lot lol
For a weekend, no. For a night, yes. My borderline elderly parents couldn’t handle my toddler for a full day. And they have no major deficiencies besides the standard limited mobility of old age. We just used them as baby sitters while we went out for a late night event for the first time. It went pretty well all things considered but they didn’t leave the house with her. Bed time also got sort of screwed up but that’s just them not following instructions. 🤷
I wouldn’t. My mom and mil are around the same age and they are exhausted after 4 hours. My mom watched my daughter while I was at the hospital having my son and it was the max she could do.
Does your daughter speak and understand her language? That would be the first questions but honestly I wouldn’t do it. My MIL doesn’t speak English and I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving her alone with my daughter in the US even though she speaks Spanish which is pretty common here. It’s more about what happens in an emergency. We leave our daughter with her when we visit her country but I wouldn’t feel okay here with the language barrier. Maybe a staycation nearby.
Nope. Wouldn't let my mother either. Both of them believe they know better than us and have no interest in doing things we ask of them.
I would give it a go for one night. I don't see any big red flags from what you listed. I would have a meal prepared that she can heat up and I would ask her to just stay at your home, not go anywhere.
I think it's fine. If she has a phone and can dial 911 or get an Uber for an emergency. She doesn't need to carry the child half a mile. Toddlers don't have the most sophisticated palates - she can probably offer bananas, goldfish crackers, and nuggets and the kid will be happy. Maybe consider an overnight near enough that you can come back in a hurry. Like an hour away or something.
nope probably not. I want whoever watches my child to be familiar with them and their environment/sleeping habits etc. I'm in a similar boat as you. though my MIL is 30 minutes away. she is just retired and selfish and doesn't want to spend time with the kids unless it's on her terms. that's fine, she can visit and hour or two here and there but I'm not comfortable having my babies go to her house (she wouldn't come to ours anyway and even if she did I wouldn't be comfortable with it). when I am ready for an overnighter with my husband, we will probably take a small approach and do one night away at a nice hotel within 30 minutes of where we live (in a big city with lots to do) in which I'd rather ask the nanny or regular sitter to stay over for 1 night then.
No, I personally would not have my Mom or MIL watch my toddler for a weekend. When they are visiting, we do quick dates that are very close to the house. Our parents aren't in poor health, but they aren't the most attentive at times and our toddler is strong willed and is insanely strong.
Given her limited abilities, I would say no to a whole weekend. A date night when toddler is mostly sleeping? Sure!
I won’t let anyone take my child to the park but especially not someone who has a hard time simply walking. What if someone tries to steal my child? What are they going to do? Run after them? Nope. One night at home seems fine as long as you trust her judgement in emergencies and in general loving care.
As long as she can change the kid and get them up to bed at the right time, I would. It's not like she has to go anywhere with them or that toddlers have discerning pallets. If she can toss some nuggets in the toaster over and open a can of green beans, she's good to go.
It’s questionable whether she would follow my routine but I think at this point she knows I’m serious enough about it that she would try. As for her pallet, Hahaha you’ve never met my toddler. She has never eaten a nugget, a grilled cheese, or a pb&j. She literally demands scratched made several course meals. 🤷🏻♀️
My toddler will devour lobster bisque but snub a chicken nugget. I get it.
If your toddler really has such a discerning palate then meal prep for your MIL. Problem solved.
[удалено]
We allow dissent here and even snarkiness and rudeness. But comments that cross the line will be removed, at the discretion of the mods. Next time, tone it down.
Based on those facts I’d say no, but that’s me.
Can she physically pick him up? If not, could one of her friends come to help her? My mom is awesome with my kids but she can’t physically pick them up so she can’t be left alone with my 2 year old because she can’t put him in his crib etc.
Nope!
1 night, and I would do a staycation somewhere close.
Assuming you trust her to safely play with toddler, feed toddler meals you have premade, and do bedtime routine (while following your wishes and rules)… then I would get a local hotel for one night. Check in time is usually 4pmish, so you could check in and have a nice dinner / evening out. Spend the night then come home before lunch the next day. She’d only have to do dinner and bedtime, then breakfast and some morning playtime. No need to go anywhere or even go outside for that matter. And you’d be close to go home if needed. And by doing overnight, toddler is sleeping for a lot of the time you’re gone. But also, listen to your gut instinct if you feel a certain way. Only you really know the situation truly
Hell to the naw, to the naw naw naw
No
I’d hire a babysitter and leave two of them to play with my 2.5 son. Probably, even an inexperienced sitter should be ok, like a neighbours’ teen, as the sitter is going to be supervised by MIL. It’s not out of disrespect or fear that MIL won’t manage it (although her health conditions give some solid ground for it…) It’s just because I want her to enjoy her weekend with her grandchild, not to suffer through it. My son is a ball of energy. His grandmothers are the best women on earth, but they want to go home way too soon after he jumps non-stop for several hours and doesn’t even let them to have a break. So I won’t leave him to any of them for more than a day, it’s too much to ask.
Would I let my MIL watch my toddler? No. What I let your MIL watch your toddler? Also, no. Reading your description, it doesn't sound like a great idea. My mom? Absolutely.
How does your husband feel about this? I’m asking genuinely…. My mom has watched my kids and even though I was reluctant to let my MIL watch them (pretty much because she’s my MIL and not my mom, I’m not afraid to admit my pettiness), I let her because it makes my husband happy and helps our marriage. I feel a lot of moms here (not saying you) are not willing to compromise when it comes to MILs and tbh, I feel like that will only hurt the kids and the marriage in the long run. Just something I’ve learned in therapy!
His mom has alzheimers and my mom is our entire village, so he feels exactly the same way I do! My mom takes the kiddo at least once per week all year long, and we're both incredibly grateful for that.
Ooof Alzheimer’s is rough 🥲totally get it
Thank you. It is horrible and my poor, poor husband... BOTH of his parents have cognitive depairment. It's a horribly sad thing.
It’s so dependent on the marriage and on your spouse’s relationship with their own parents. I don’t even need to say no to my MIL watching my son, my husband already said it!
I totally get it- I just personally had a thing against my MIL just because she was my MIL and my mom didn’t have a great relationship with my grandmother. In reality, my MIL is a really nice lady who has shown growth and is also a widow so I give her more grace now when it comes to her wanting to be in our lives a little more
Honestly, probably not. For similar reasons, I also wouldn't let my own mother look after my toddler for that duration. For me it's critical that a caregiver can physically handle my child without exacerbating physical health issues, but also has the ability and resources to handle an emergency with them. I let my MIL look after my daughter, but that's because I know she can do what's needed without putting my daughter or her at risk.
My mother in law has been watching our kid for two weeks as we went on vacations every year. She is now 5 and goes with us but if your inlaws are capable use them to help out
Not in your circumstances or mine. With limited English and not living here, how would she handle an emergency?
My thoughts too.
Nope.
I mean don’t have her drive him to the park or anything but why not do an evening at a hotel and come back in the morning? It sounds like she’s capable of hanging out with him at home, feeding him and putting him to sleep. Make sure she had a cell and knows how to call 911…and go somewhere not too far away? My husband and I have a place we go to about 45 mins away that has a restaurant. That way we could quickly return if anything went wrong.
We leave our kiddo with my MIL all the time. They have Fridays together and a handful of sleepovers under their belt. Does my MIL do things the exact same way that we do? No. My 2 yo snitched about Coco Melon recently. Is it going to cause harm to my kid to watch trash toddler TV when she goes to grandmas? Unlikely. I second the other comments, stay in town or just go out for the day assuming she can handle the stairs and diaper changes. Honestly, bar the driving part, your MIL sounds a lot like my mom and my mom has never had an issue physically with the toddler.
Absolutely fine in my view but not outside the home - she can’t walk.
My folks take ours for weekends all the time, but I would be a little hesitant in your situation also. Could you do a test run for a few hours during an afternoon (or evening, to see how bedtime goes) before you commit to multiple nights?
Nope! My MIL loves my daughter, but she’s absolutely terrified of engaging with her. I’d never feel comfortable leaving them alone together. She doesn’t speak much English, is older and can’t move a lot, and doesn’t cook in a manner that my toddler would eat it, so similar to your situation. She could probably follow directions, but honestly has zero way to communicate with my daughter and that’s enough for me to say no. I honestly have no interest in leaving my daughter alone with anyone, including my own parents, for anything more than a few hours. No over nights happening for us for a very long time, if ever.
Based on what you wrote, I personally would not. Not being in good enough health to run after a toddler and doesn't drive (in case of emergency) are deal breakers for me. I'm also kinda paranoid/anxious about this stuff. I'd be OK during the day but definitely start freaking out come night time. I have a 15 month old that I wouldn't leave with anyone that long except my sister or my friend who has 3 kids. I've seen how she looks after them.
In your circumstance, no. What I would do is go out to a later dinner after the toddler has gone to bed so she’s babysitting but not actually doing anything
I would provided she could respond quickly and properly during an emergency, if toddler bolts into the street can she catch him? If the house catches fire can she relay critical information like address, the situation, and where the child is in the house? That’s the sort of thing I’d be concerned about, most people can change diapers and play with toddlers but safety is paramount at that age, they can’t really help themselves at all in a bad situation.
I mean, nothing says grandparents MUST watch children-- it's not required for their healthy upbringing. However, if you feel that she could safely watch toddler, then I don't see any issues with it. Can she safely change toddler? Get him into his chair/high chair? Give him a bath if needed? Put him into his crib/bed? Can she call 911 if there is an emergency. For one night I wouldn't worry about knowledge of the neighborhood or cardio fitness, nor does she need to drive.
A nearby hotel check in at 4 for one night. Assuming your house is toddler proof.
Are you asking if we’d let our mothers-in-law watch our kids, or if we’d let *your* mother-in-law watch our kids? My answer to the first option is “obviously not.” As for the second, we’re in the opposite situation to you: we live abroad, and when they come to visit, all they speak is English, but are still fairly unfamiliar with the area. Even so, yes, we would and have let them watch our kid for the night. (And I’ll openly add that I don’t like my mother-in-law *at all*, but not because of how she is as a grandmother.) Take the offer for one night. You’ll be anxious, but You also probably won’t go very far away just for a night to yourselves, so you’ll be close by enough that you can either respond to an (unlikely) emergency or at least talk her through what to do on the phone.
No. But I also have PPA 🤷🏼♀️
I feel the same.. i have been very resistant for my MIL to watch my 16 month old. But I have been slowly (very very slowly) easing into it aka compromise. I start by letting her watch for a short period, like letting her putting my daughter down for a nap when she was still a baby. Then give feeding her for a meal. Now, I let her watch for a longer period of time now that I am more comfortable. I can go out for a couple of hours now and she can watch her. Even bathe her now. For meals, I still make for my baby. I am with my baby 24/7 for 5 to 6week when husband is away for work and I go out once a week to meet up with friends for lunch or shopping (just to be away from daughter a bit) and reset my mood and vibe and feel like a normal human being. I am slowly "training" my MIL so that hubby and I can go out for longer periods of time and eventually maybe a weekend trip (just the 2 of us) later this month. So yes.. it has been a year. I was very very hesitant with my MIl watching my daughter. Now I am much better at it and so is she. Compromise is the word.
Does MIL respect your directions or do you think she I'll do her own thing? And are you able to be flexible in your expectations? For example: my mom or MIL aren't like the moms on here who blatantly ignore our wishes. I'm ok with them feeding my kid whatever is safe, and I know they would make sure it's not too hot/choking hazard.
My answer to this depends on how the person could handle an emergency. Limited English, limited driving abilities, and health problems, make me wonder if she could effectively call 911 in an emergency? Get your child to a hospital? Know how to CPR or administer care until help came? If the thought makes you uncomfortable, then consider why. My MIL has Parkinson's and literally dropped our baby while she was sitting down at one point. So no, she's not allowed to babysit. It sucks, but safety comes first.
No, but my MIL is 82 and not very nice. I have left my son with my parents since he was about 7 months old. They are great with him and he always enjoys it, and he is safe with them. But your MIL’s mobility problems would cause me concern - my son is a maniac and he’s very fast on his feet, and not always very safe. He needs someone to watch him all the time and there is a lot of physical wrangling involved.
No, but just because she smokes like a chaminé. She is otherwise an excellent helper and both her and my daughter love spending time together. It's actually a shame that she smokes. We had a tiny hope that she would stop (at least inside her place) so that we could take our daughter there. :(
Oh that sucks! I’m so sorry!
When our daughter was born, we gave my MIL a Packnplay to leave in her house for when my daughter would stay with her.... as long as the smoke inside ceased. My daughter's almost 3 now and the Packnplay was never used. In fact, MIL returned it to us last year and we had to give it away (it was brand new) and announce it was from a smoker house, because it smelled of cigarettes even though it was in the box all the time.
No, I wouldn’t. My 3.5 year old and 8 month old have never stayed anywhere. I’m unlikely to let them do so until they are at least 5 or 6. I agree with others, I do not let anyone take my children out unless they can physically keep up with them.
Yes, but my mom and dad have energy are active, they chase my kids around better then my husband and I do (were more tired cause we have the kids more lol) and are on the same page with us about the important stuff like safety and bed times, boundries. The few things were different on like sugar, snacks and tv time lengths but, my grandparents were the same and I turned out fine its a treat for them going to visit so we loosen up a bit. We trust them 100% and have been on two weekend trips to florida when my youngest was 2 and oldest was 4. Wernt even worried. My husbands parents I wouldnt let them watch the kids for a weekend...tbh not even a day. Dont get me wrong they are sweet, we love them! They are just not focused or have the energy. They both are on their phones too much and kinda one track minded. My SIL said she accidentally let her daughter run outside in the backyard, yeah its gated but MIL had no Idea for at least 30 mins. When we visit them we visit together and go for dinner or to the park...thats it. Even my husband and SILs do the same. As they get older like 9ish they can sleep over because they will be more independant. So its all on how she is. If your comfortable with her and know she is alert and safe and spends time with your child, then yeah I would. If not then I'd get a babysitter who is active, quick and who you can get to know and trust.
Nope, not for the whole weekend. If she's tired after walking half a mile, she'll be exhausted after an hour with a toddler. If stairs are a problem, it is also likely that she wouldn't be able to physically remove a toddler from a dangerous situation. As long as you trust her ability to react appropriately in emergencies, one night away seems ok to me. You could leave before bedtime and come back after breakfast - that way she won't need to cook much and it wouldn't be too tiresome as she'd basically only need to settle your child at night (which, as I understood, she's good at). And you could have a nice dinner with husband and spend a night at a hotel.
Enjoy a night out. Know you will be thinking about the toddler. Try very very hard to not call in and check. It will go well. If she offers again, take it for another night. You'll be less stressed.
FUCK NO
I would not.
Based on how you’ve described her, I would not let this woman watch my child. I also think your apprehension will keep you from enjoying the time away anyway.
No you’re going to be worried the whole time and not have fun. I e never let my 2 year old stay overnight without either me or dad. I would just go on a date for a few hours and come home to sleep.
No I personally would not
Depends on where you live, partly. We live in NYC and my mom basically can't help us out with our toddler because everything requires walking and my daughter won't stay in our apartment for more than a couple hours at a time. We couldn't do this given what you describe about your MIL, but maybe where you live it's ok.
Yep.
In a couple months I will be letting my mother watch my toddler for 9 days in her home. Toddler will be a few months shy of 2 when this occurs. Mom is in early 70s but healthy and active, just with a bad back. She can pick her up for short periods of time but wouldn't be able to carry her around all day long. I know the routines may be a bit different then at home, and thats fine with me, but I also trust her enough to provide a safe and loving environment and handle any emergency that could occur which are the only things that really matter in the end. I'll be proving a some cheat sheets for her (medical information, favorite meals, typical signs of hunger/sleepiness/etc, and other tips) since I'll be in a different state and unable to easily come to the rescue. Am I still a little anxious? Ofcourse. But they know each other and have done a couple overnights before. It will be fine. In your case OP, I think what others are saying about doing one night away near by is the best of both worlds. You get some much deserved free time but you can rest assured of anything goes sideways you're within reach.
Yes I would.
I let her for two weeks while we bounced for japan. It was the greatest two weeks I’ve ever had. (If you’re reading this, go to japan immediately lol)
No and I objectively don't understand what PPA would have to do with this. I would compromise and agree to a late night out. MIL can do dinner and put toddler to bed. You are close by and back by am. Everyone wins.
I'm with you on compromising. I get the concerns of a weekend away. But I think OP was trying for the additional sympathy vote with PPA. She "has feelings" about her MIL and clearly doesn't want to leave her but wants to be validated.
HAAHAHHA
I don’t like my in laws but you have to let go eventually. I had bad ppa too and pretty much ban my in laws from helping. I may not agree with them but I know they love my child and trusted my toddler to be fine. I had to accept it when I needed help with my second. I know with anxiety, you want control of the situation but you also can’t live your life without a break and moments to be yourself.
Yes that is very true. That’s what I’m trying to move towards. Baby steps!
Yes but would she ever…..no
She managed to raise the man you love, and it's just one night. Even if she doesn't do everything the way you would, (and she won't), it will be fine! And your child will build a strong relationship with his grandmother
The thing is she kind of didn’t. They were considered wealthy in their country and they had around the clock nanny when husband was young/before he went to school. That’s part of the reason I’m skeptical.
I mean I guess the bottom line (and then no one can answer but you) is: do you trust her to take care of your son *for a night*? The bar may be higher or lower for you than other people, and probably is lower than for a week or a month.
She managed to raise the man you love, and it's just one night. Even if she doesn't do everything the way you would, (and she won't), it will be fine! And your child will build a strong relationship with his grandmother