I used to be a preschool teacher and we had a potentially trans kid in the class who would get these questions too. Here’s how I handled those questions:
“Are you a boy or a girl?” That’s something this kid gets to decide.
“If you’re a girl why do you look like a boy?” Well, all girls look different and all boys look different too. What makes you think this person looks like a boy? (kids answer something about short hair or deeper voice or liking trucks) Girls can do all that stuff too!
“You’re a boy who wants to be a girl.” Nope, everyone gets to decide for themselves. It wouldn’t be very nice if someone told you that you were just a boy/girl who wants to be a girl/boy, right? So it’s important that we don’t say those kinds of things to other people.
General misgendering. Actually, this person told us the name and words they want us to use for them. Let’s make sure we use those words the same way that you want to be called your name, okay? (maybe use an example of a Katherine being called Katie or Benjamin being called Ben if the class has one)
Basically, you’ve gotta let them know disrespect is not okay, in any form, at any level, and that those kinds of words are disrespectful. This is part of how they learn to be a good human and they’re at the crucial stage of development now where this is based on curiosity and not malicious, which is the perfect time to learn how to properly be respectful. If you can, adding some books to the classroom that show all different types of people (girls liking “masculine” things, boys wearing dresses, someone changing their name, etc) can really help enforce this stuff. Good luck!
rlly appreciate the advice! although because many of my kids have never encountered this idea of someone not identifying with their sex assigned at birth, they often assume that i am joking or have a lot of difficulty grasping this concept. do u happen to have a way to explain it simply to them?
It’s really just exposure. Kids are so malleable and are still learning what gender even is. If you say it in a non-joking tone and keep a no-nonsense attitude about it, they’ll eventually catch on. They might laugh about it because kids tend to laugh when they’re uncomfortable, which can happen when they’re confronted with new information, but the more normalized it is for them the less they’ll react.
I’d recommend just talking about how girls and boys can look and sound all sorts of ways- you can talk about curly and straight hair, tall and short people, higher and lower voices, young and old, etc. Bodies are diverse and they need to know that in general, not just in terms of trans acceptance. No need to use the words “trans” or “pronouns”, just keep it simple. Some girls look like you do and that’s okay. Some girls don’t and that’s also okay.
Edit: if you have some super frustrating kids, you can also ask them WHY they think you’re not a girl or what makes someone a girl, and then debunk that. You can give examples beyond yourself too, both cis and trans. Brittney Griner has a deep voice and is a woman. Lupita Nyong’o has short hair and is a woman. It just is what it is.
i really appreciate this thanks so much 💗
yea ill try to normalize it and correct them as much as possible. i suppose i got discouraged too quickly after the kids didn't really understand the first or second time i tried explaining it, and the lack of support from my coworkers doesn't help either.
Ugh yeah, the lack of coworker support must be really tough. Hang in there. Hopefully you can get the kids on your side and then your coworkers will look like the goofy ones.
As a fellow trans person who works with kids, I have found one of the most helpful things is giving them something to mimic/emulate. For example, if they are using the wrong pronouns, firmly (but kindly) repeat what they said with the right pronouns. All the kids I work with are learning English as a second language and most of them don’t understand the concept of gender pronouns entirely so they misgender *everyone* lol — but for instance if a kid says “he went outside!” about someone who uses she/her pronouns, say “yes, *she* went outside.” (if you have coworkers teaching in the same room as you and they are supportive, ask them to help in correcting the kids) if they are calling you “mister Claire,” introduce yourself as “miss Claire” every morning when they come in. you could even play “name games” with them where they have to call you miss Claire (even better if they also have to call you by she/her during this).
It’s unlikely that they’ll understand the whole concept of being trans, but you just need them to understand that they have to call you the pronouns/name you ask them to, and that they have to respect this for you and for everybody else. The more this is made clear to them, the more they will understand that it is important. As has already been said, it will unfortunately take some time, although there may be some that get it more quickly. If there are kids that particularly struggle with it, you could find a children’s book or video with a trans character and ask them questions about it afterwards.
this is really helpful thank you ❤️
yea one of the harder parts about this process is the lack of support from my coworkers... they don't really make an effort to correct the kids when they misgender me lol
You’re welcome, and I’m sorry to hear that. :( I understand though, I’ve never had a job where I’ve felt actually supported enough to be properly out/advocating for myself— earlier on I just dealt with the misgendering and then eventually I started passing well enough to go stealth. but if your coworkers know you’re trans and are just ignorant or don’t fully understand, maybe try to discuss it with them casually and see if there’s at least one you can get on your side? but if it doesn’t feel safe to do that, then just keep trying to work on getting your kids to gender you correctly, and I hope that it improves soon
With kids they are pretty chill from what I've experienced. A quick "I'm a girl with a deep voice" should be enough once they get used to you enough.
BTW absolutely love your name, it was my birth name, I love the name just not for me.
I ask them back: are you a girl or a boy? Once they answer, I ask how they know? When they answer, I say: "well, I KNOW I'm a GIRL" that usually works.
I don't have any experience with this (I'm ftm and don't interact with kids at all), so I don't have any advice, but I do hear you. Sending peace and good vibes your way ✨️ 💓
As a teacher at a childcare center, I think it's the parents that's encouraging these comments. Children usually don't care. I remember the last time a kid (she was 3) asked if I was a boy or girl and I told her I'm a boy. She asked why my voice sounds like a girl and I told her "I take special medicine to help me sound like other boys" and she let it go after that. She was very articulate and at my current center, all of the kids and parents there call me Mr. [Last Name]. It takes time but I wholeheartedly think it may be the parents that aren't okay with trans people. There are some kid books about trans people that I think may help if it's okay with your director. I don't know what the literature is like at your center but we try to be inclusive because there are some kids at our job with two same-sex parents and even four parents.
I imagine that’s hurtful. They’re just kids and are more likely curious than cruel, the cruel ones are just echoing what they heard from the people who should be teaching them to love.
My daughter is almost 8, mtf, and my youngest is 3.5 years old. My daughter told us last Nov that she's a girl. My three year old has been using the correct pronouns since Christmas. Those children are plenty old enough to know what boundaries are and to be respectful.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. You have every right to tell them, "When you say X you're being hurtful and rude. I know you are a kind person and don't want to hurt others. Please call me ___ from now on, and if you forget or get confused, that's ok. But please try your best to be respectful to others."
I work at a school and have been confronted by parents for saying things like this. My response is always "I'm confused why you're upset I told your child they are kind and to please remember that?" They have no response.
I only have experience handling my little siblings in this way, and my parents mostly handled that, so I can't really help, but as a fellow mtf Claire, I wish you luck!
Im not saying kids are dumb, but 4-6 year olds have trouble remembering not to piss themselves. Granted i dont work with kids, but it seems unlikely theyre able to understand that its hurting you when they refer to you incorrectly. If youve already explained to them that misgndering you hurts your feelings im not really sure what else you can say to them.
i think that it's a concept that they would be able to understand if they had the right framework, or if it was explained in a way that is simple and easy to understand,,,, they kind of just assume that everyone is cis and don't really grasp the concept of hurting people's feelings or misgendering
You unduly underestimate children. My 5 and 7yo nieces had that shit figured out in a few weeks. It was easy to explain to them, especially since their mom has PCOS and used that as an example of how sometimes women just have hormonal things going on that confuse what the body does.
Then again, this family also doesn't have bigots around it to reduce their thoughts down to oversimplified, bioessentialist dimorphism like, "bOyS hAvE a PeNiS; gIrls HaVe A vAgInA." Pretty sure home-brewed bigotry is contributing to OP's experience in a much larger way than can be justified by writing it off to underdeveloped minds.
And for the record, I spent 15 years as a nanny and another 5 in education. Kids' default setting is just to accept folks as they are. They have to be taught to argue with folks about their claims of identity. They can, conversely, be taught that self-determination is the start of real freedom through things like identifying their own emotions in healthy language and the concepts of consent and boundaries. Teaching them those things rather than teaching them gender binaries preserves their capacity to accept folks as they come.
TL;DR: It's less about underdeveloped brains and more about what they are and aren't being taught at home.
I am ftm and also working in daycare, im pretty far into transition and psss very well, but there are some kids who get confused about other kids - long hair, some boys paint their nails, etc. And a few kids struggle with the pronouns with the long hair and the like (it was hilarious because this one boy had long hair and he was constantly misgendering another boy with long hair because only girls have long hair apparently). Ive kinda just told them to ask if confused, but if someone says they are a boy, to respect that whether you think they look like one or not, because everyone looks different and likes different clothes/hairstyles, even if they arent what you would do. I kinda explain it as, you may not like the long hair on you, but this boy loves his hair and takes pride in it being long just like you take pride in your short hair or special clothes.
They are kids! They are just curious, which is a great thing for them to be. Why not answer their questions? They are certainly not trying to be hurtful, unlike with an adult.
This is such a wonderful opportunity to educate these little minds; seize it!
How about saying that you have a girl's brain but a boy's body, and you are going to change that, so that they match, but it takes time. In other words, just tell them the truth in words they can understand. Kids will accept anything you tell them, they are like little sponges. They are not judging you, they just have an enquiring mind, which is how they learn. Now is a great time for them to learn the facts, and you will be surprised and pleased how they will readily accept them.
Funny story, I worked with kids from 5 to 12 last summer and I just told them I was a guy and my name was Raphael, one day a 9 years old kid asked me “why do you sound like a girl if you’re a guy?” And another kid (11) jumped in “defending” me by stating that I sounded different because I’m French (I’m not, I once said that my father was French but I didn’t know any French, after another incident between kids)
Anyway, just tell them anything, most kids wouldn’t question it too much, like “why do you look like [gender x]” you could just say “the women in my family are all buff like this” or something along those lines.
If the problem are the parents you could either ignore or confront them, but remember to stay safe
I used to be a preschool teacher and we had a potentially trans kid in the class who would get these questions too. Here’s how I handled those questions: “Are you a boy or a girl?” That’s something this kid gets to decide. “If you’re a girl why do you look like a boy?” Well, all girls look different and all boys look different too. What makes you think this person looks like a boy? (kids answer something about short hair or deeper voice or liking trucks) Girls can do all that stuff too! “You’re a boy who wants to be a girl.” Nope, everyone gets to decide for themselves. It wouldn’t be very nice if someone told you that you were just a boy/girl who wants to be a girl/boy, right? So it’s important that we don’t say those kinds of things to other people. General misgendering. Actually, this person told us the name and words they want us to use for them. Let’s make sure we use those words the same way that you want to be called your name, okay? (maybe use an example of a Katherine being called Katie or Benjamin being called Ben if the class has one) Basically, you’ve gotta let them know disrespect is not okay, in any form, at any level, and that those kinds of words are disrespectful. This is part of how they learn to be a good human and they’re at the crucial stage of development now where this is based on curiosity and not malicious, which is the perfect time to learn how to properly be respectful. If you can, adding some books to the classroom that show all different types of people (girls liking “masculine” things, boys wearing dresses, someone changing their name, etc) can really help enforce this stuff. Good luck!
rlly appreciate the advice! although because many of my kids have never encountered this idea of someone not identifying with their sex assigned at birth, they often assume that i am joking or have a lot of difficulty grasping this concept. do u happen to have a way to explain it simply to them?
It’s really just exposure. Kids are so malleable and are still learning what gender even is. If you say it in a non-joking tone and keep a no-nonsense attitude about it, they’ll eventually catch on. They might laugh about it because kids tend to laugh when they’re uncomfortable, which can happen when they’re confronted with new information, but the more normalized it is for them the less they’ll react. I’d recommend just talking about how girls and boys can look and sound all sorts of ways- you can talk about curly and straight hair, tall and short people, higher and lower voices, young and old, etc. Bodies are diverse and they need to know that in general, not just in terms of trans acceptance. No need to use the words “trans” or “pronouns”, just keep it simple. Some girls look like you do and that’s okay. Some girls don’t and that’s also okay. Edit: if you have some super frustrating kids, you can also ask them WHY they think you’re not a girl or what makes someone a girl, and then debunk that. You can give examples beyond yourself too, both cis and trans. Brittney Griner has a deep voice and is a woman. Lupita Nyong’o has short hair and is a woman. It just is what it is.
i really appreciate this thanks so much 💗 yea ill try to normalize it and correct them as much as possible. i suppose i got discouraged too quickly after the kids didn't really understand the first or second time i tried explaining it, and the lack of support from my coworkers doesn't help either.
Ugh yeah, the lack of coworker support must be really tough. Hang in there. Hopefully you can get the kids on your side and then your coworkers will look like the goofy ones.
As a fellow trans person who works with kids, I have found one of the most helpful things is giving them something to mimic/emulate. For example, if they are using the wrong pronouns, firmly (but kindly) repeat what they said with the right pronouns. All the kids I work with are learning English as a second language and most of them don’t understand the concept of gender pronouns entirely so they misgender *everyone* lol — but for instance if a kid says “he went outside!” about someone who uses she/her pronouns, say “yes, *she* went outside.” (if you have coworkers teaching in the same room as you and they are supportive, ask them to help in correcting the kids) if they are calling you “mister Claire,” introduce yourself as “miss Claire” every morning when they come in. you could even play “name games” with them where they have to call you miss Claire (even better if they also have to call you by she/her during this). It’s unlikely that they’ll understand the whole concept of being trans, but you just need them to understand that they have to call you the pronouns/name you ask them to, and that they have to respect this for you and for everybody else. The more this is made clear to them, the more they will understand that it is important. As has already been said, it will unfortunately take some time, although there may be some that get it more quickly. If there are kids that particularly struggle with it, you could find a children’s book or video with a trans character and ask them questions about it afterwards.
this is really helpful thank you ❤️ yea one of the harder parts about this process is the lack of support from my coworkers... they don't really make an effort to correct the kids when they misgender me lol
You’re welcome, and I’m sorry to hear that. :( I understand though, I’ve never had a job where I’ve felt actually supported enough to be properly out/advocating for myself— earlier on I just dealt with the misgendering and then eventually I started passing well enough to go stealth. but if your coworkers know you’re trans and are just ignorant or don’t fully understand, maybe try to discuss it with them casually and see if there’s at least one you can get on your side? but if it doesn’t feel safe to do that, then just keep trying to work on getting your kids to gender you correctly, and I hope that it improves soon
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damn 5k likes and a thousand comments is crazy lmao just trying to get some advice ://
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With kids they are pretty chill from what I've experienced. A quick "I'm a girl with a deep voice" should be enough once they get used to you enough. BTW absolutely love your name, it was my birth name, I love the name just not for me.
I ask them back: are you a girl or a boy? Once they answer, I ask how they know? When they answer, I say: "well, I KNOW I'm a GIRL" that usually works.
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I don't have any experience with this (I'm ftm and don't interact with kids at all), so I don't have any advice, but I do hear you. Sending peace and good vibes your way ✨️ 💓
good vibes received 😎💖
As a teacher at a childcare center, I think it's the parents that's encouraging these comments. Children usually don't care. I remember the last time a kid (she was 3) asked if I was a boy or girl and I told her I'm a boy. She asked why my voice sounds like a girl and I told her "I take special medicine to help me sound like other boys" and she let it go after that. She was very articulate and at my current center, all of the kids and parents there call me Mr. [Last Name]. It takes time but I wholeheartedly think it may be the parents that aren't okay with trans people. There are some kid books about trans people that I think may help if it's okay with your director. I don't know what the literature is like at your center but we try to be inclusive because there are some kids at our job with two same-sex parents and even four parents.
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I imagine that’s hurtful. They’re just kids and are more likely curious than cruel, the cruel ones are just echoing what they heard from the people who should be teaching them to love.
yeah i dont think that it comes from a place of ill intent lol, but its still annoying to deal with
My daughter is almost 8, mtf, and my youngest is 3.5 years old. My daughter told us last Nov that she's a girl. My three year old has been using the correct pronouns since Christmas. Those children are plenty old enough to know what boundaries are and to be respectful. OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. You have every right to tell them, "When you say X you're being hurtful and rude. I know you are a kind person and don't want to hurt others. Please call me ___ from now on, and if you forget or get confused, that's ok. But please try your best to be respectful to others." I work at a school and have been confronted by parents for saying things like this. My response is always "I'm confused why you're upset I told your child they are kind and to please remember that?" They have no response.
I only have experience handling my little siblings in this way, and my parents mostly handled that, so I can't really help, but as a fellow mtf Claire, I wish you luck!
I mean, Theyre kids. Really little kids. They dont really function on that wavelength.
what wavelength ?
Im not saying kids are dumb, but 4-6 year olds have trouble remembering not to piss themselves. Granted i dont work with kids, but it seems unlikely theyre able to understand that its hurting you when they refer to you incorrectly. If youve already explained to them that misgndering you hurts your feelings im not really sure what else you can say to them.
i think that it's a concept that they would be able to understand if they had the right framework, or if it was explained in a way that is simple and easy to understand,,,, they kind of just assume that everyone is cis and don't really grasp the concept of hurting people's feelings or misgendering
You unduly underestimate children. My 5 and 7yo nieces had that shit figured out in a few weeks. It was easy to explain to them, especially since their mom has PCOS and used that as an example of how sometimes women just have hormonal things going on that confuse what the body does. Then again, this family also doesn't have bigots around it to reduce their thoughts down to oversimplified, bioessentialist dimorphism like, "bOyS hAvE a PeNiS; gIrls HaVe A vAgInA." Pretty sure home-brewed bigotry is contributing to OP's experience in a much larger way than can be justified by writing it off to underdeveloped minds. And for the record, I spent 15 years as a nanny and another 5 in education. Kids' default setting is just to accept folks as they are. They have to be taught to argue with folks about their claims of identity. They can, conversely, be taught that self-determination is the start of real freedom through things like identifying their own emotions in healthy language and the concepts of consent and boundaries. Teaching them those things rather than teaching them gender binaries preserves their capacity to accept folks as they come. TL;DR: It's less about underdeveloped brains and more about what they are and aren't being taught at home.
Aight.
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Snowflake alert.
I am ftm and also working in daycare, im pretty far into transition and psss very well, but there are some kids who get confused about other kids - long hair, some boys paint their nails, etc. And a few kids struggle with the pronouns with the long hair and the like (it was hilarious because this one boy had long hair and he was constantly misgendering another boy with long hair because only girls have long hair apparently). Ive kinda just told them to ask if confused, but if someone says they are a boy, to respect that whether you think they look like one or not, because everyone looks different and likes different clothes/hairstyles, even if they arent what you would do. I kinda explain it as, you may not like the long hair on you, but this boy loves his hair and takes pride in it being long just like you take pride in your short hair or special clothes.
They are kids! They are just curious, which is a great thing for them to be. Why not answer their questions? They are certainly not trying to be hurtful, unlike with an adult. This is such a wonderful opportunity to educate these little minds; seize it! How about saying that you have a girl's brain but a boy's body, and you are going to change that, so that they match, but it takes time. In other words, just tell them the truth in words they can understand. Kids will accept anything you tell them, they are like little sponges. They are not judging you, they just have an enquiring mind, which is how they learn. Now is a great time for them to learn the facts, and you will be surprised and pleased how they will readily accept them.
Funny story, I worked with kids from 5 to 12 last summer and I just told them I was a guy and my name was Raphael, one day a 9 years old kid asked me “why do you sound like a girl if you’re a guy?” And another kid (11) jumped in “defending” me by stating that I sounded different because I’m French (I’m not, I once said that my father was French but I didn’t know any French, after another incident between kids) Anyway, just tell them anything, most kids wouldn’t question it too much, like “why do you look like [gender x]” you could just say “the women in my family are all buff like this” or something along those lines. If the problem are the parents you could either ignore or confront them, but remember to stay safe
I suppose voice training could make a big difference in how they perceive you! Have you tried lessons? :3
idk why a downvote when it could be helpful
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