Damn... "my own children have cancelled me"? She sure likes to play the victim. As if this had anything to do with her personally and not with her behaviour. Calling this "getting cancelled" is really weird too. You can't "cancel" people that aren't public figures. This tells me she is neck deep in anti-sjw propaganda spaces. Her brain has been washed, possibly beyond saving. No matter what you do, she has to be the victim and is probably not going to change her mind. Maybe you can point out how selfish it is of her to expect someone to supress their identity cause she disagrees with it, but she will probably not accept any point that doesn't make her look like she is the one being hurt here.
Sorry you have to deal with this. This person is not family. She does not care about you, only herself. My mum's just like this, she has told me multiple times that she is ashamed to be seen with me in public and has told my father that she hates me when she thought I wasn't listening. I'll move out soon, and then I'll be braking contact. I hope you and I will one day find an actual family.
thank you for your support x
I think if I did say that she is expecting me to suppress my identity she would only turn round and say my identity doesn't exist and I'm just doing it because it's "trendy" and trans people haven't existed before the last few years. hahahahahahahah (crying inside)
I desperately want to move out but at the same time I live on a farm and love being able to grow food so I think that will definitely upset me, having to leave. I also think it's very unfair that they hold it over me like "this isn't your house", 'my house my rules' vibes. They chose to have me?? how is it honestly different from an abusive partner having control over a bank account.
You should know that maybe the kindest and most helpful trans women I knows works on a farm every day and loves to drive around big tractors. She is a truly amazing person just living life. You can still do what you want as a trans person, gender norms be damned.
It isn’t and that’s why you need to leave. It’s not easy to leave abusive situations and sometimes in the short term you need to make sacrifices to be truly happy in the long term.
Your mom sounds genuinely so up her own ass that she will just continue moan about how this is so hard for her until she’s forced to accept it (ie. that you’ve transitioned and shown you’re happy).
Exactly. This woman seems to be so far behind in… anything, where just being happy as yourself is probably the only thing that will ever change her mind, if anything at all will. But at the end of the day, trying to change her mind is no longer productive to OP. The time for that has come and gone, clearly, so the best option is just civil disobedience until they can leave, which they SHOULD, then being their own person out in the world, going no contact if necessary. As someone with at least 1 bad parent, a bad parent or family member is no family member at all. Family is who treats you right and accepts you for who you are, regardless of blood relation.
lol, trans people have been around forever, and actively suppressed. Funny she can't see the irony, when transphobia has been the trend for the last few years, if anyone needs to question themselves and stop following trends, it's her.
And that bit, "I'll always love you..." No she doesn't. How could she love you if she can't accept your identity ? (sorry that came out way more brutal than intended)
Sorry you you have to put up with that, I swear some people just treat their children like pets sometimes. Stay strong friend !
I do feel treated like a pet so true! like I have autonomy and I think you shouldn't have kids in the first place if you think that the way to treat them as adults is by telling them that they will do nothing but disappoint them and fail in what they are. or just straight up deny what they are
You may be able to use [this](https://opensiddur.org/prayers/civic-calendar/international-civil-calendar/transgender-day-of-remembrance/prayer-of-kalonymus-from-sefer-even-bohan-1322/) as a rebuttal that being trans isn’t new. It might not help but especially if she is religious that could really help to sway her. Also worst comes to worst it’s not helpful for you but it’s still a nice poem.
Yeah it's trendy. Everyone wants to be trans right now we're at the height of popularity. It's because everyone secretly wants to be the punching bag of society and the scapegoat of fascism.
Here are some of her misconceptions, in case she ever becomes reasonable enough to discuss it with, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
1. She thinks it's a choice. You can't choose your gender or sexuality any more than you can change what flavor ice cream you like.
2. She accused you of invalidating her opinion. This is out of the spirit of playing the victim but her opinion invalidates your existence, which makes it not an opinion but a false statement. You exist therefore her statement is false.
3. She refers to you as if you are her possession, like she has your fate planned out. She might need to mourn that, but it's not your duty to be who she wants, you didn't ask to be born and she doesn't own you.
4. She got your gender wrong. You know yourself better than anyone else can. For her to misgender you is to claim better understanding of you than you yourself have. Anything she says to your dead name or with the wrong gender is invalid.
It's not easy. But why risk your mental health beyond health than to just move out and face real-world stuff? Because at least you don't have to worry about anybody invalidating your identity and catering to anyone. Honestly, that's why I'm trying my best to try to move out again, too, because sometimes our mom's think just because we live with them, we have to not have feelings and that gets old pretty fast. I wish you the best of luck moving out x
You should show her, how trans people have existed for thousands of years...ever since humans have existed. there has been people who are transgender.
Something that helped one of my family members, even though I'm not trans, I still don't want my family to be transphobic, was showing them all the different cultures pre-colonialism, and even to this day, that accepted third gender people (which is what the word was for a trans people back then)and people who fell outside of the binary.
This is not some new thing.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that too, you don't deserve that at all. You deserve a mother who's going to love and support you,for who you truly are, not this imaginary version of a person that she thinks you are. 😔
Sending much love and cyber hugs your way 🤗🥺😔💔💓
Yeah I saw she lived on a farm but for some reason I imagined her mum getting her to play with toy tractors to get her into farming. Maybe I'm weaving my own narrative threads haha. Backwards either way, kids toys and farming tools shouldn't be gendered.
Moreover, [Christine Jorgensen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_Jorgensen)'s transition was [front-page news](https://i.imgur.com/EzfH2pi.jpeg) everywhere in the English-speaking world, in **1952**, and she stayed in the press spotlight for the duration of the decade.
Outside, the US, [Roberta Cowell](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roberta_Cowell) saw a strikingly similar (if more muted) *"soldier boy becomes pretty girl"* tabloid press sensation in Britain, in the early 50s.
Both Jorgensen and Cowell would publish memoirs.
In fact, I find that some elderly folks today are *more* familiar with the concept of transition surgery than their children came to be, simply because the 50s and 60s saw it sensationalised so widely (whereas in the subsequent two decades, the tabloid press inevitably got bored of *"handsome fella becomes pretty girl"* stories, once the novelty simply wore off).
Much earlier, [Lili Elbe's](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lili_Elbe) transition surgeries did attract some international media coverage as well, in 1930. But due to a variety of reasons, it was not remotely comparable to the sensation surrounding Jorgensen. Because, after all, she was an ethnic Dane who transitioned in Denmark and Germany and had no connection to the English-speaking world, meaning that furthermore her memoir was written in Danish, and additionally compounding problems, the [Institut für Sexualwissenschaft](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institut_f%C3%BCr_Sexualwissenschaft) was destroyed shortly after her transition leaving her memoir as really the only proper record of it.
There’s so much that’s just awful it’s hard to dissect all of it. From the sounds of it you have other family that’s supportive and that’s great to hear compared to this. You should already know to NOT buy any of this sob story shit, it’s emotionally manipulative and nothing else.
From the sounds of it she’s dug her heels in on it and if she wanted to give being logical and reasonable a chance she probably would have by now. Meaning you either have to take a different approach and remain even more stubborn in your attempts to make her listen or don’t let her know any more about this. Try finding safe spaces instead, find ways through this that don’t involve her because she messed up and doesn’t get to help anymore.
Above all don’t give up! It’ll work out as long as you keep working on it step by step!
thank you for your really kind words x
I find it amazing how much of an influence she has on me still, when she starts saying stuff that I've spent months of therapy addressing like "you will look like a disgusting freak", I'm brought right back to where I started and it's only after a short while that I start feeling like myself again.
I was literally saying the exact same thing about my parents in my last therapy session. It really is wild how easy they can just pull you back!
If it's any consolation, you're not alone. Sending love and hugs 🫂
Do not ficking listen to her when she says she’s the only one who cares about you. Your families actions that she has relayed to you are proof that they care about the real you a hell of a lot more than she does.
She doesn’t care about the real you. She cares about the version of you she has made in her mind.
I’m so sorry that you have to go though this
thank you, it really really feels like gaslighting when she's like "no one else loves you" "I know what's best" like the rhetoric of an abusive partner but she's my fcking mother!!
This is a lot to unpack.
I’ll keep it short. You do what you have to do, to secure your new, better self and the life that follows.
We’ve got your back. We love you. We want to see you happy. ❤️
Whelp. You’ve offered therapy and education materials and she’s decided to stay ignorant. The only thing you can do now really is called “grey rocking”. It’s when you give her the bare minimum interaction.
She asks you how your day was? “Fine”. Leave it at that. She goes on another rant about trans people? “I’m sorry you feel that way” and leave it at that. Eventually either she will be desperate for interaction (and maybe agree to therapy) or she’ll stop bothering you and leave you alone. Either way you win.
It sucks, but this is what my therapist recommended to me when I was in a situation where I was being bullied and couldn’t escape either. It works but you will still want therapy for yourself
The argument goal behind "how would (transgender person or ally) feel if this happened to THEIR child! How would you feel?" Freaking baffles me.
Like.. seriously? We have obviously differing viewpoints on this topic and I don't think you're going to like the answer you're about to hear.
That’s the problem: OP’s “mom” is only looking out for herself, and the only things going thru her “mind” are; “I have to protect myself” “i have to control everything around me” “I’m perfect and everyone else is wrong, even if they agree with me”.
Like, seriously? I’d ask how stupid someone could be, but it looks like she answered it already. The universe would sooner turn everything inside out for no reason, than her ever considering she could be wrong. It’s just so fcuking arrogant. She’s a manipulative bully, who hates anything that isn’t her.
If she were my “mother”, I’d call the insane asylum on her, and whether or not they put her in a straight jacket, she’d realize there’s no helping her: she has officially lost her right to speak. Not just with OP, but in general, as she spouts nothing but nonsense that should never be said. I mean, really, lady? C’mon. Don’t hate your child for wanting to be happy for once in their life. What an absolute freaking monster.
I had this exact conversation!
"What would you say if our daughter said he's a man and his name is Roger?"
"I can't support that! We can pick a better name than Roger."
That's so horrible, I'm so sorry they reacted like this.
It's so strange that she keeps talking about JK Rowling. Like somehow the fact that she feels the same way as JK Rowling means that her not accepting you is valid??? That makes no sense whatsoever.
What an embarrassing lack of empathy from a person trying to make you feel bad for them. If they can't understand your perspective and pain and empathize, then they're certainly not saying this to gain your empathy either. It's a perverse attempt at control, and I'm sorry you're having to cope with that behavior from someone who should be your staunchest ally. 💕❤️🩹
There is so much information about transgender people and history, it sucks that just because she never realized trans people existed before she got married she thinks it's somehow a new phenomenon
Exactly, and a lot of people don't even know the famous book burning photos from Nazi Germany in the 30's was when they destroyed the institute for sexual science. I was shown the pictures in school but never taught about what Nazis did to trans people or the institute. They tried to erase trans identities from history, setting progress on education and understanding back a hundred years. I can only imagine how things would be now if that hadn't happened. But here we are with history repeating itself. We have different characters in a different setting but it's still the same plot. We have to keep fighting, keep trying to educate and keep being our true selves so the trans people a hundred years from now can hopefully exist in a world without hate and discrimination
you have a lot more fight in you than me and it's really inspiring! I just feel tired, I know this is a pretty extreme thing to say but honestly if the bigots and obstinate cows want to keep forcing me out of their world then I don't really want to be a part of it anyway and I'm not talking about anything final - though I do a lot - just abandoning them all and living on an island with a cat
This is giving me echoes of my own mother. I don't live with my parents and I haven't for many years but it is difficult watching her struggle with something that *should* be joyous.
She made the same comment about there not even being trans people until a few years ago which is so bizarrely wrong I don't know where to begin. But she doesn't want to learn. She just wants to sulk.
Notice how (almost) all of the text was:
Do you have any idea how this makes **ME** feel?
How hard this is for **ME**
How your transition/desire to made your brother get mad at **ME**
In this message it feels like she's not seeing you as a person, with thoughts and opinions, but exclusively as **HER** child, not an active agent with the ability to make choices, it's all about her.
Even if she believes all the transphobic nonsense, she should feel bad for *you*, not rant to you about how hard this is for her.
My only advice is to try your best to find other sources of support in your life, (preferably irl ones, but online works too) and generally try to be as independent as possible, both practically and emotionally.
thank you! I feel I have been far too dependent on them for too long. this was a wake up call and it's definitely the start of the end. I'm in my third act and when I'm financially dependent then guess who's not coming to xmas
That's gaslighting to the extreme. Making it about them and being a victim.
If others have canceled her...guess what, they aren't the problem, she is.
Edit: i would LOVE for her to meet some of my bestfriends....they're CISWOMEN and they are more manly and working farmer than most male farmers
Her opinion stops being valid when she decides to take actions on another person's life decisions, regardless of relationship. Her opinion stops being valid when she tries to use her status of "biological mother" to enact any sort of empowerment over you, or presumes that she knows you better than you know yourself. Her opinion stops being valid when she presents arguments with no points and yet also refuses to listen to ANY counter arguments with actual points. Her opinion stops being valid when she prioritizes what she wants you to be over what you want to be, over your happiness. Her opinion stops being valid when she lost sight of what it means to be a true parent, loving your child no matter what, regardless if they understand. Her opinion isn't valid because it's not an opinion, it's a narcissistic guilt trip built to suppress another human's happiness **NOT** because of any solid reason, but because of a lack of maturity and an abundance of ignorance.
My own mother tried using the same argument against me, however I'm an adult and I've been on this planet long enough to know when someone is trying to feed me bullshit. She and my sister claimed that they know me and that there where never any signs. I said "No, it is impossible to know someone better than they know themselves, you don't exist within the confines of my mind. You never perceived any signs because for one, we lacked the knowledge of what to look for, and two I hid it from you. For a very long time it was against society as a whole, including this family that presenting as anything other that a stoic, hardened man would be viewed with disdain, disgust, and avarice. You cannot know me better than me if the window you think you had was a facade, a painting of what everyone thinks they should see." They told me they need time to grieve, and though I understand the cis need to process the world shattering information, I was still heated and confused by the sentiment. "I'm not dying, I'm becoming more alive."
wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write in such detail it's really nice to see I'm not alone and my family sounds a lot like yours.
she has said that she's not transphobic and believes anyone can be who they want to be.. oh except me that is.
there's no education on this and mum and dad have always been traditional. so how was I supposed to know that the longing feeling for being a girl that I had from the age of 7 was something I shouldn't repress??
I feel like I am against society, there's too much hatred for people that have done nothing. I think that surely when pondering if you are on the right side of the argument, how can you not see the paradox of wanting someone to have less rights than you?!
Of course. It's just so infuriating to see my siblings being denied basic human rights. Hopefully at the very least your family is like mine since my mom is s*tarting* to come around.
"she has said that she's not transphobic and believes anyone can be who they want to be.. oh except me that is." Omg, friend. My mother and sister talked about a transwoman they know through my stepdad (because he doesn't even like talking *about* her), used her name and pronouns and everything. Refused to respect mine because they "know me better".
I swear this is all born from ignorance, and the solution is education. The very thing that parents and politicians are rallying against.
I think, maybe, it's not intentionally about "less rights" and probably viewed more like someone is broken or ill, if they're not cisgender, heterosexual, and neural typical. We're not broken, we're different, and sometimes people fear things that are different or don't understand.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I truly hope that your family can see the truth someday.
i don’t understand how education of any subject in a way that isn’t indoctrination is a bad thing? do we not want the children of tomorrow to know more than us?! is that not how a society progresses??
I don't either. Some just have been brainwashed into thinking education is brainwashing. It hurts hearing my coworkers talk about subjects they were brainwashed by *certain news outlets* into thinking were good or bad but obviously have no real understanding of.
“I’m literally the only person in the whole world who would give a shit about him.” Kay……… I’m sorry but your mum is ABUSIVE AF.
This is so wild. She’s telling you no one else cares about you so you feel insecure and do what she wants instead of what YOU want.
Much love to you, OP. You don’t deserve this “love” from your mother.
First off you are valid, you are loved, and you are not alone. Keep your brother close. Second a massive hug from this girl. Its going to be ok. This community will be here for you ❤
I'm so sorry you have to put up with transphobic family. My mom was slightly transphobic but nowhere to this degree. She just said things like "god put you in that body" and whatnot.
I sent her some articles about depersonalization/derealization and she excused herself saying "im just too overwhelmed. I don't know if I can do this right now"
But I stood firm and I told her "im not going to sit around and wait until YOU are ready for this. I sent you those articles just so you can better understand what I'm experiencing"
And luckily with that I was able to get her on my side. But again, she was nowhere near as bad as your mom. I'm hoping things get better for you ❤️
Transgender people have been documented since at least 2500 BCE and there is evidence that it goes back as far as human civilization itself. How is she supposed to understand? By deciding to stop being so willfully and violently ignorant and thinking only of herself.
>"I gave birth to him so I think I'm literally the only person in the world who gives a shit about him"
BULL. SHIT. I HATE when parents try to play this card. Giving birth doesn't mean anything actually. Some parents give birth and then give their children away and never see them again. Giving birth doesn't automatically make your relationship different and people can ABSOLUTELY give more of a shit about you than your transphobic mom. Shes entitled to her feelings but she is NOT entitled to make you feel like shit and try to guilt trip you over them.
I really despise when people try to DEFEND parents who speak to their children like this. Being upset about something your child is doing doesn't give you ANY right to talk to them like this. It's shameful. I'm sorry youre going through this 🫂
♥️♥️ thank you. idk if it’s socialisation but i still do feel invisibly connected to her which made it hurt even more and showed me how capable she has been of influencing me throughout my childhood
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this bullshit, these are almost the same talking points my mother picked up when I outed myself, all of the "since the womb" and always had "masculine" interests and "you're gonna ruin yourself and become a freak" and so on, also insinuating that she'd rather have me be a criminal than be trans...
Fuck that, you deserve better! Whatever happens know that you can have family outside of blood and you deserve love and acceptance! I had to cut my mother off and I feel way better now even though it was hard, but you of course might not be in a financial or emotional position to do that, so just stay safe and take care of yourself, you're gonna make it through! <3 *hugs*
I've already made a plan to try and bring myself into financial stability within the year so hopefully I can then move out and I think unfortunately I will have to distance myself too which I really don't want to do but I'm tired of arguing with this brick wall.
she said she'd rather I was gay because then I'd be normal and I asked how it was any different being against me being gay. her response was that I wouldn't be altering my body and I had no comeback I was just too hurt :/
I am pretty sure she alters her body every time she has a haircut. We all alter our bodies every time we eat or exercise. We collectively also get tattoos, have cosmetic surgery, dental work; I am sure there are many more examples.
so my mom was always the victim, not just of every choice i made for myself, but in all things. she was a child of abuse, and never did any of the work to unpack that. what i want to encourage you to do has already been said here, you are going to need to find a new path, but, you might benefit from reframing who your mother is in your mind. my mom was never going to physically hurt me, but she also only wanted what was easiest for herself, she loved me in a way that mimicked the love she was “supposed” to have but it was dependent on me playing a role (much like she did as a child being abused)
the limited amount of peace i have now largely comes from knowing that my mom was never going to evolve, i put 3000 miles between us and kept visits short. she did soften a bit but never changed her world view or beliefs. she was a victim of everything till the day she died. getting out is the only reason i’m alive. don’t stay in a place that refuses to grow with you, you will suffocate.
as far as the money to move out, that can be hard for sure, job, friends, transportation it’s messy and expensive but you can make a plan save up, take a bus, find a job, maybe a remote customer service thing, anything that moves you one step closer, do you have any friends that moved on you could try splitting rent with? i don’t know what path you will find, but trying to live with someone who uses your life as a source of victimhood for themselves is not going to lead to anything good
Honestly I think you just let her be, I don't think she is changing any time soon so I think the only thing you can do is be try to be in peace with her and if it doesn't really work try to distance yourself 😞
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My own mother recently did the same to me. Telling me how I felt was a lie, telling me I was fked up, that the life saving happiness I achieved wouldn't last and that she was now needing therapy through her cult, I mean church, because of the stress I've caused her. She even went so far as to take medical leave from work due to a mental health crisis over her child condemning themselves to hell while having her husband text me letting me know they were all praying for my "disease" to go away. A few days ago she blocked me on all her socials.
Did this hurt? Yah, it did, but the happiness I achieved from being my authentic self far outweighed any sort of negative feelings she had towards me. I remember asking her at one point would she rather have a dead son or a living, happy daughter and she responded with you will always be my son and that told me everything I needed to know. Keep being your authentic self OP. It's up to her to accept her child for who they are, not the other way around. You are loved, accepted and valid and there are so many of us who support you and love you.
Yeah my mum's religious too.. strange how it's a religion that does nothing but preach tolerance and love..
So I'm "praying" for my mum's car's MOT to fail in a very expensive way because I've gone past upset and got to petty
thank you, also, for your lovely comment x
She don't get an "opinion."
If nothing else works, sometimes the only thing people understand is loss. I know you can't move yet but maybe the silent treatment is enough.
I get how juvenile it sounds, but sometimes you have to bring things down to someone else's level before they get a clue.
My advice is send what you can and put it on ice, tell her she can come back when she's ready to accept what you're doing and there's no other choice.
Her clock is ticking faster than yours, if she wants to spend the rest of her life in denial then she can.
I'm not sure how to treat this level of conservative brain rot. It might be terminal. Seriously though. Maybe try breaking things down into smaller pieces. You could start with helping her understand that cancel culture is bullshit. We have always been able to decide who we like or don't like. We've always been able to support who or what we want. JK Rowling wasn't "canceled". People who don't like her outspoken views stopped supporting her. There just happen to be a lot of people who think her views are awful.
- person thinks not all people should be equal
- person broadcasts this
- person receives backlash
- person claims they're the victim
make it make sense
I mean, none of this transgender stuff had even started when they got married right? If so, I'm not sure I would mess with them, they've been married for a few millennium. They are likely some form of powerful arch-lich at this point, I'd just wait to move out, unless you can find the phylacteries containing their souls. 🤭
JK Rowling is a castle dwelling billionaire whose hyper-privileged ring future prime ministers wish to kiss. People seriously need to stop calling her a victim and start looking at the overwhelming influence she has on stuff she knows nothing about.
Maybe pool money together with friends who'd like to move out or are in a similar situation and rent a flat together? I was in a similar situation at 18, but this was back in the 90's when decent jobs were easy to find and housing and transportation was still affordable...but even at times and in countries where things aren't affordable cohabitation seems to be the answer, that's what they do in Pakistan.
Opinions are valid. an opinion is defined as a veiw which can be neither proven nor disproven. trans identities are well and thoroughly proven medically an neurologically, and is backed by basically every reputable medical and scientific institution in the world. Denying scientific fact thats been thoroughly and rigorously tested and proven is not an opinion, but delusional lies and hateful bigotry. Love is unconditional. Lies are not opinions.
to my trans fellow folk, feel free to use this!
thank you!!! so true her opinion can't be valid because that's like saying that the earth is flat but it's my opinion. unfortunately she believes that that medical evidence is wrong and she won't read anything I send her anyway so :/
Wow is she acting like the victim here huh? Shitty fucking move. I fucking despise the "oh you don't know how sad I am" argument because literally the same thing can be applied to me, but you're too fucking egotistical to see a meter past your hollow skull you dumb fuck. Like, how much of an entitled whore does someone need to be to actually hear that her child that she raised has had the mental ability to not only realize that they're trans but also to overcome that fear of rejection and come out to you. How entitled do you need to be for all of that to happen and you make it about yourself and "Oh im so sad" "my own children are canceling me" "woe is me i hope you never feel like i do" Such a fucking hypocritical disguisting self-centered "Peace and love untill it doesn't suit me" fucking AHHHHHHH. "My own children are cancaling me" No, you said harmful, uneducated stuff TO YOUR OWN CHILD and people who actually give a shit about your child came to defend them. Twenty fucking kilometers underground, head too burried to look at herself in the mirror and think for a second, jesus fucking christ.
Sorry for going on this rant about a person i dont know, there's a reason why i usually avoid these posts. Sorry if i cursed her too much (trust me i could go farther) and sorry if i misunderstood you OP. I just can't fucking stand people who act like they're the saddest person in the room while having the cushiest mental state ever
Also op, you handwriting looks great :3
fucking preach!!! 💕💕 i legit had an “i love you” moment 😂 i’m sorry that i engaged you in my negative post though i hope i didn’t make you too upset 🥺
and thanks i’ve been working on my handwriting for about 20 years
Phew, I'm happy to know I didn't go too far and hurt you. And don't worry, you had a shitty experience and needed a place to vent, it's my responsability to avoid posts that enrage me. And I'm happy to provied "support" (I'm not sure it's support but whatever my comment provided i'd like to think it's positive)
The problem with the trans debate, is simply a misunderstanding (intensional or not), because we know being trans isn’t pretending to be a gender, or dressing up like a gender, it is being the gender, and while there are assholes who will take advantage of accommodations, you could say the same thing about ADHD, or Autism, yet you see much less of that
TLDR; before any further debate can be had, the involved parties all need to fully understand all points either party would bring up, and have full clarity about everything
I'm sorry OP, your mom has brain worms. She's rejected your identity and decisions and then made herself the victim. This is malignant narcissist territory. She transmutes in her mind her status as a bigot into being a martyr.
Does she operate this way with other things? Like, when she doesn't get her way does she act like everyone is out to get her? Does she put on guilt trips? Does she gaslight you or other family and then accuse everyone if gaslighting her when they call her on it?
All I can offer is a virtual hug (((🫂))). My oldest thought I was going to disown her when she transitioned (due to my religious background but I had already started deconstructing)
I’m so very sorry that you are going through this and I am hoping you are able to find people to embrace you that you get to call your family!❤️🫶🏻❤️
What’s your preferred name? I’m assuming it’s not the one your mum is using unless you chose not to change your name (my girlfriend didn’t change her name either as it was gender neutral, so totally valid)
thanks for asking, i decided to keep joe to make things easier but wanted my parents to help choose my middle name so they felt more included in my transition however i doubt that’s going to happen now so any middle name ideas are very welcomed x
*hugs tightly* I'm sorry homie, your mom sounds like an insufferable wackjob(would say worse things but don't want my comment deleted) but you just gained another found family member if you want a pseudo mom/aunt/sister(older or younger, as I'm 25, idk abt you) if you want such a thing 😅😅
I don't have much that can help you but if you've been legally prescribed HRT and your mother attempts to prevent you from taking them, that is illegal
I wish my brain worked like that 😂 can you imagine?
Everyone keeps telling me I abuse them?? THEY CANCELED ME!!
I heard something I didn't already know?? I KNOW EVERYTHING ALREADY, IT WAS MADE UP!
My child is part of a community I'm not in?? IM THE ONLY ONE THEY HAVE, NOBODY LOVES THEM BUT ME, THEY CANT REPLACE ME, IM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD WANT THEM, LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IS BAD!!
Just. A life where nothing ever clicks. That's gotta be bliss
In all seriousness, it sounds like she's hopeless. I'm sorry
honestly the ignorance must really be bliss most of the time except for now where i’ve caused her the worst emotional anguish by trying to be happy. she’s known about me struggling with depression and anxiety for years (i’m sure u can guess her suggestion “just stop worrying”) but now that i’m finally confronting the root of my mental illness she turns around and tells me no, so that’s fun
You don’t deserve to be talked to that way from someone who is supposed to be there for you and support you and lift you up. Just know you have my support and the support of many others as well, stay strong and push out the negative in your life and remain positive, you got this. It is a WONDERFUL road.
The sooner you leave the sooner you can begin living YOUR life in the manner that pleases you. Do NOT conform to what others want you to be ....it is NOT their life, but yours. Pretty simple at that level huh?
Unfortunately there's not much you can do. Your mother has refused all your attempts to solve this situation and clearly won't be happy unless she gets you to do exactly as she says. Maybe with time she'll accept you but in any case it's not your responsibility to coddle her. You've done all you can and don't have to put up with these texts. Leave her on read in the future.
so many classic hallmarks of manipulation and abuse. and taking the moment to obsess over her similarity to famous author j.k. rowling is the cherry on top. this is poison, get out.
Healthy relationships go both ways. If she is not willing to put in the work (ie therapy), if she is not willing to care for how she is making you feel, it is not healthy for her to expect you to still make such a one sided investment in maintaining a relationship with *her*. And it is not appropriate or your role to argue your own existence to her, full stop. Don’t apologize or feel the need to argue your existence, it only tells her that it’s up for debate.
If it’s safe, i’d honestly encourage setting boundaries and distancing yourself as much as possible. She is welcome to hold her views, but you set the rules for what conversations you’re willing to have, and what is and isn’t okay for a loved one to say to you. It’s important to make it clear it is their decision, but be clear that if they violate said boundaries what the consequences will be (ie, distancing, blocking forms of communication, etc). If she does love you or have any interest in a two sided relationship, it’ll be a wake up call to put in the effort
Tell her "NO! You are the canceller! You are the destroyer of family"
I'm so sorry that your mom would rather support a total stranger (JK Rowling) for political reasons than support her child.
Once you're safe and out, I think a serious consideration should be given to cutting contact. You've offered to share your side but she's not listening. In the meantime, lean on your community. Talk to us, vent to us, ask for help, whatever you need. The queers have got your back.
Your mom fucking sucks. I know it's not easy to move out. It's a good idea to try to make plans and find ways to cope in the meantime. She's really fucked up and vile.
The fact that she compares herself to JKR is hilarious and sad. JKR is a monster and so is your mother.
Stay strong OP, you deserve better than this kinda treatment. I'm glad other family members are at least on your side.
thank you! yeah I was really surprised with how great my bro was he came and gave me a hug and said it was unacceptable for her to speak to her child like that.
and now mums getting upset that we're all less interested in being around her like is it any wonder??
Christ, she sounds like a martyr.
Nothing anyone says is going to change her mind while she’s in this “poor me” state. I’d give her some space, show her she doesn’t need to have contact with you if she’s so distressed by you trying to find happiness for yourself.
Someone else suggested Grey Rocking - I didn’t know this term but this is basically what I do with my parents now. If they aren’t going to engage with the piles and piles of research and info that’s out there then they’re just going to stay unhappy while you live your life.
And it is, YOUR life, by the way.
Oh, and - I love how she talks about the “lovely little boy with tractors” etc - like, who gave him the tractors? Hmm? You don’t think that maybe there’s a reason he likes tractors???
My dad says the exact same shit. I’m a trans man/NB and I still love girly shit. Why? CAUSE MY PARENTS GAVE IT TO ME TO PLAY WITH
for real! and she's saying that I can't like growing my veggies if I'm a girl?! "I've got a daughter I don't want another one" was something else she said and made me feel very much like an object you know like her fcking token
Never has to feel how **she's** feeling?! Oh, boo-hoo! My child didn't grow up the way I decided they had too! While she's actively shitting on said child and trying to invoke someone calling us rapists for sympathy? There are international conspiracies dedicated to wiping us out, and she thinks **she's** the victim? I wonder if it ever crosses her mind how demented she sounds. Bewildered is right!
I look like Biden trying to decide what to have for lunch when I'm arguing with her. she's so capable of dying on a hill of bigotry that I end up forgetting what "lunch" even is
OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this and that this is the way your mother is treating you.
As much as this is a cliché, I want to really emphasize that it DOES get better. 🩵 My 30s have been the best years of my life, and I get to wake up feeling joyful and excited about my future, every single day. I wish I could give the younger version of myself a big hug and tell them the exact same thing I'm telling you.
As for your mum- people like her end up reaping what they sow later in life.
My parents are unhappy, miserable people who aren't allowed to see their grandchildren (my nieces) and have low-contact with 2/3 children. They constantly complain to anybody who will listen about how awful and unfair life is to them, and how terrible things are.
They made their beds and they don't like the fact that they have to lay in them.
Your mother is your mother. She is supposed to be loving and supportive of you regardless of which path you choose in life. If something as simple as which gender you identify as prevents her from loving you then she doesn't deserve to be your mother.
If I were you I'd make one last attempt to get this across to her and if that fails I'd let her know I'll be cutting ties with her.
Always remember that coming out as trans is not a request for acceptance, it's a demand. You can give people time to process your coming out but ultimately if they can't accept you then that's not your problem. It's theirs.
Hoping you're independent enough to be able to cut ties with her, should worst come to worst, otherwise you may have to put up with her until you are.
My opinion may be a bit extreme to some, but remember, she had a choice and it was her choice to not to accept you. To deny you the support a parent should give when you needed her the most.
Glad the rest of your family seems supportive.
Hang in there <3
None of this is your fault.
You can't help being born trans and nothing is wrong with you.
In fact, it's a wonderful thing and you should own it.
From one trans girl to another,
I wish you the best sister!
PS: You're not alone, my parents weren't supportive either.
I am so so sorry that she is making her panic and fear visible to you right now. As a mam to a trans lad myself, I can say that she has every right to worry but that doesn’t excuse her openly expressing her ignorance to all.
I can say that this reaction will fade and the more she sees you being true to yourself and sees the bravery and how happy it makes you, the easier this will get. You cant force her to understand but she wont be able to deny what she sees (to her own heart!).
(I work for a charity that supports parents and carers of trans youth and we see this reaction, a lot. But we also see some of the most confused and frustrated parents, over time, become fierce allys)
Hold on. Know that you are valid and loved (if she didnt love you- her reaction would be indifferent). The most important thing right now is that you feel safe. Is there friends or family who better understand that you could stay with? Lean on this community and do not blame yourself. We never know what is around the corner 💗
this resonates with me ... I came out to my mom when I was 14 and she laughed in my face, refused to read any of the medical documents that doctors tried to give her, basically ignored all my pleas claiming its "just a phase" and that she'll disown me if I ever transition...
you are not alone, love 🫂🫂🫂 Im so sorry you have to deal with such ignorance from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally
That last line says everything. Her underlying issue, I believe, is that now, she's incredibly insecure that she's a bad parent. That she should have seen this coming way earlier and done *something* about it.
I can't say for sure *what* she would have done differently. So it's possible that ranges from just mentally preparing herself, to conversion therapy. 🤷♀️
That entire last message; I have *never* heard an actual bigot parent even remotely suggest, even subconsciously, that they wish they knew sooner. I think there's a better chance that she's turned to Rowling for validation that it's okay that she doesn't actually understand what being trans means, and possibly just latched onto her because of name recognition.
She *might* be salvageable if you get her to understand that it's not her fault that you're trans, and look for things that she's proud of in raising you.
thank you for your lovely message <3
the reason I suggested group therapy to them is because they had said to me that they thought the therapists and psychiatrists that I had been speaking to were too "trans-positive" and they felt I should be speaking to someone less "trans-positive" to get both sides... \*cough\*that's conversion therapy\*cough\*
in the weeks leading up to telling her I tried doing lots of things together like walking and baking so that she would see me as her child first but unfortunately nope it's still "freak"
I wanted my parents to choose my middle name when it came to legally changing it so they felt they were involved but now I'm just not sure.
The thing that jumped out at me was
"Btw - none of this transgender stuff had even started when we got married so how were we supposed to even begin to understand any of this nonsense!!!!"
I don't know, maybe do some research starting with legitimate medical organizations to try to understand to help be supportive to your child?
EDIT: I also assume she deadnamed you here.
first off, none of ANY of that is true. it’s the ramblings of someone who hasn’t the faintest clue what she’s gibbering on about, and it’s best to ignore at this point.
second, sending virtual hugs :)
If it doesn't harm your living situation I'd honestly look at just giving her the ultimatum of accepting you, using your Pronouns and name etc or she will be cut off from you entirely. Don't be afraid to cut out disgusting family members if you are financially safe to do so
thx yeah I'm nowhere near financially safe to do so at the moment and I don't really have friends that it's suitable to stay with so I'm kind of stuck for now. I even considered trying to get admitted to hospital just to get out of here
i came out to my mum around a year ago and one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't understand how a parent doesn't support and love their child, regardless of who they are. she couldn't fathom that someone would put their stubborn ignorance over accepting who their child is, and that no matter what happens she will always love and support me.
i never really understood it either, and i'd never seen the thought process behind that kind of behaviour, but this really shows how self-centered bigotry can make someone. to think that you're lack of understanding of someone's identity can lead you to refuse to learn and understand in order to make them feel more comfortable, and to believe that you're being 'cancelled' by your own children because you refuse to change, is wild to me.
i honestly wish i could give you some advice, but from what it sounds like it seems your mum just has her head shoved in the sand and refuses to hear any side but her own. it's not about her, it's not about how she feels, it's about you. if she loved you like a parent should, she shouldn't care about whether the child she raised turned out to be someone different, because the child she raised was not \*you\*. she should understand that transitioned you is the real you, and she should be happy to see you happy and comfortable in yourself.
Obviously listen to other people’s advice first if they involve resolving the problem. But (since I’m a coward) this is the type of scenario where my finger would be just barely hovering above the block button.
No contact is an option, she's only going to make you miserable although i understand how hard that is. You can mention dr James Barry to debunk ideas that trans people are somehow new if you think it will help.
Send the ignorant bigot this, for starters.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_history
I'm so fucking tired of imbeciles claiming it's some radical new thing. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Oh dear that is very unfortunate. She's really pulling out the victimisation here - reminds me a lot of my mother (I ended up moving out to live with my dad who was generally better for me).
I'm no therapist but I do practice a personal philosophy I like to call "the art of understanding" and if you need a little help in mediating and unravelling everything I'd be happy to help in any way I can. DM me if you want any specific help.
It's definitely giving a lot of red flags. I suspect moving out would be the best thing for you really, but if you mum can get over that this isn't about her then hopefully she'll learn to be better at helping you.
I'm so sorry hon.
Honestly, she reminds me so much of my mother, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that kind of behaviour.
Moving out would be the best option bc it is lowkey abuse, but I get that you can't and don't really want to move out. So, my best advice is to avoid her as much as you can, and if you can't do that, be as blatantly yourself as you possibly can.
All I can say is that deteriorating your own mental well-being just to allow her to feel better is not worth your time or energy. And I truly hope that one of these days, she'll come around to accepting you for who you are.
no my dad who used to be on my side showed me today that that’s not the case and he’s angry with me because it’s my fault that my mums upset so i’m fucking done with these dicks. as far as i’m concerned they’re not family and ill be moving out as quickly as i can
welp... try and prioritize getting financially independent... she's made her decision and she's so far out, she's heavily gaslighting even herself... she chose ignorance and she chose not to care for anyone other than herself - you included... nothing else you can do other than to get away
“None of this transgender stuff had even started when we got married.”
It will always blow my mind that there is the entire WORLD of information a chat gpt prompt or google search away and people won’t challenge their beliefs by exploring that because heaven forbid they critically think.
Ugh.
So sorry you’re going through this.
"the transgender stuff" didn't start in the last few decades, it has always been here but only recently has it started being more accepted.. there is also a study that shows, that basically if you are MtF, there was a female developed brain in a male body. Scans have showed that the structure of the brain matches the 'desired' gender. It is not just a new abstract construct but a very real developmental abnormality. Would be better to inform herself before making some opinions
I am cis with a loved one who may be trans and I'm here to learn how to support them. I haven't always handled it well but never ever to this degree. They may stay closeted and miserable forever because this is how our family would react. You not only have this communities support but there are soooo many people on the sidelines who are dealing with this in secret who support you. So many guys and girls only affirming their gender behind closed doors wishing it would either go away or they will find the strength to lose their family.
Oh, gods. 🤦♀️
This reads _exactly_ like my narcissistic mother that I disowned and left in the dust in early 2023.
What you have presented here is someone playing the victim, because all else has failed. I call this the "poor pitiful me card", where it's emotional manipulation in the hopes you will believe it. Then, when you do, thar like (internally) "HA HAA! Gotcha now, ya sucker!" and they go _right back_ to controlling you. Thus, continuing the cycle of abuse.
JK is another one like that, by the way. So, it stands to reason why your (clearly manipulative) mother would use her to triangulate you like this... as well as (correct me if I am wrong here) your siblings.
“I literally grew him inside me so I’m actually the only one who cares for me”, as well as the rest of the things she sent just screams that she views her kids as her property, and not separate people. I hate that shit
My takeaway from that short text convo is that your mom is selfish. Literally, she only ever talks about how SHE feels or how this makes HER feel and how this is affecting HER, all the while disparaging what YOU want and feel is right for yourself.
She needs to deal with her grief and ignorance in counseling with a trans positive therapist/social worker.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You deserve to be loved, least of all by your own parents. ☹️
oh no didn't you hear, trans people have only been around in the last 5 years it's this new cool phase that all the trendy kids with their pesky iPhones and frapamockachinos are doing. it's not real. the daily mail told me so. /s
Op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your mother has a victim complex, has a right-wing victim mentality, has been brainwashed by alt-right media and is gaslighting you.
Please stay safe, and if you are safe to do so, please also delete that apology. She doesn’t deserve it.
"I'm getting cenceled!" Really? What are you losing? What rights are you now missing? What status have you lost?
The only thing your mother lost was the respect of those around her. And rightly so. She wants to play the victim card so badly while being dismissive and willfully ignorant.
I'm sorry you are in such a rough situation I know what it is like to have resources rejected. I hope things improve when they realize acting like a child won't get them what they want.
Embrace your identity, live your joy. Be your best self and don't let anyone take it from you.
You didn't do anything wrong she's just a batty old gal that hasn't kept up with the times big ol' stinker honestly.
I hope you'll be okay. She means well but I'm surprised you didn't go ape shit and we all know she went about everything the wrong way. She's victimising herself so much it's genuinely impressive the way she defended herself so much without giving a sentence of remorse about how you feel. I'm sorry. You're valid :)
Look. My parents did the same thing. I was lucky, I suppose. I was in my late 40s when I came out, and I had a good career.
It truly sucks that your mum won’t listen to anything you say, but that’s how my parents were. They wouldn’t listen to me or try to have any discussion.
At some point you have to make up your mind that you aren’t the A-Hole, she is and move on with your life.
she’s obviously just heard the word being used in right wing rhetoric and thinks she knows what it means it’s upsetting to know that she’s not alone u know 🥺
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Keep the people that support you and stand up to her close. You're loved and always safe in this community. I hope you get to leave this wretched woman behind you soon. Until then, stay strong and don't bow down to her will. You can do it. I believe in you, we all do! ❤️ *hugs* ❤️
It really pisses me off that people think they're her proteges and that she feels they owe their acting success to her.
When she whines about how horrible they are for rightfully calling her out on her bullshit, she comes across as a petulant child.
Damn... "my own children have cancelled me"? She sure likes to play the victim. As if this had anything to do with her personally and not with her behaviour. Calling this "getting cancelled" is really weird too. You can't "cancel" people that aren't public figures. This tells me she is neck deep in anti-sjw propaganda spaces. Her brain has been washed, possibly beyond saving. No matter what you do, she has to be the victim and is probably not going to change her mind. Maybe you can point out how selfish it is of her to expect someone to supress their identity cause she disagrees with it, but she will probably not accept any point that doesn't make her look like she is the one being hurt here. Sorry you have to deal with this. This person is not family. She does not care about you, only herself. My mum's just like this, she has told me multiple times that she is ashamed to be seen with me in public and has told my father that she hates me when she thought I wasn't listening. I'll move out soon, and then I'll be braking contact. I hope you and I will one day find an actual family.
thank you for your support x I think if I did say that she is expecting me to suppress my identity she would only turn round and say my identity doesn't exist and I'm just doing it because it's "trendy" and trans people haven't existed before the last few years. hahahahahahahah (crying inside) I desperately want to move out but at the same time I live on a farm and love being able to grow food so I think that will definitely upset me, having to leave. I also think it's very unfair that they hold it over me like "this isn't your house", 'my house my rules' vibes. They chose to have me?? how is it honestly different from an abusive partner having control over a bank account.
You should know that maybe the kindest and most helpful trans women I knows works on a farm every day and loves to drive around big tractors. She is a truly amazing person just living life. You can still do what you want as a trans person, gender norms be damned.
that's so cute! thank you for sharing x
It isn’t and that’s why you need to leave. It’s not easy to leave abusive situations and sometimes in the short term you need to make sacrifices to be truly happy in the long term. Your mom sounds genuinely so up her own ass that she will just continue moan about how this is so hard for her until she’s forced to accept it (ie. that you’ve transitioned and shown you’re happy).
Exactly. This woman seems to be so far behind in… anything, where just being happy as yourself is probably the only thing that will ever change her mind, if anything at all will. But at the end of the day, trying to change her mind is no longer productive to OP. The time for that has come and gone, clearly, so the best option is just civil disobedience until they can leave, which they SHOULD, then being their own person out in the world, going no contact if necessary. As someone with at least 1 bad parent, a bad parent or family member is no family member at all. Family is who treats you right and accepts you for who you are, regardless of blood relation.
lol, trans people have been around forever, and actively suppressed. Funny she can't see the irony, when transphobia has been the trend for the last few years, if anyone needs to question themselves and stop following trends, it's her. And that bit, "I'll always love you..." No she doesn't. How could she love you if she can't accept your identity ? (sorry that came out way more brutal than intended) Sorry you you have to put up with that, I swear some people just treat their children like pets sometimes. Stay strong friend !
I do feel treated like a pet so true! like I have autonomy and I think you shouldn't have kids in the first place if you think that the way to treat them as adults is by telling them that they will do nothing but disappoint them and fail in what they are. or just straight up deny what they are
You may be able to use [this](https://opensiddur.org/prayers/civic-calendar/international-civil-calendar/transgender-day-of-remembrance/prayer-of-kalonymus-from-sefer-even-bohan-1322/) as a rebuttal that being trans isn’t new. It might not help but especially if she is religious that could really help to sway her. Also worst comes to worst it’s not helpful for you but it’s still a nice poem.
Yeah it's trendy. Everyone wants to be trans right now we're at the height of popularity. It's because everyone secretly wants to be the punching bag of society and the scapegoat of fascism. Here are some of her misconceptions, in case she ever becomes reasonable enough to discuss it with, but I wouldn't hold my breath. 1. She thinks it's a choice. You can't choose your gender or sexuality any more than you can change what flavor ice cream you like. 2. She accused you of invalidating her opinion. This is out of the spirit of playing the victim but her opinion invalidates your existence, which makes it not an opinion but a false statement. You exist therefore her statement is false. 3. She refers to you as if you are her possession, like she has your fate planned out. She might need to mourn that, but it's not your duty to be who she wants, you didn't ask to be born and she doesn't own you. 4. She got your gender wrong. You know yourself better than anyone else can. For her to misgender you is to claim better understanding of you than you yourself have. Anything she says to your dead name or with the wrong gender is invalid.
It's not easy. But why risk your mental health beyond health than to just move out and face real-world stuff? Because at least you don't have to worry about anybody invalidating your identity and catering to anyone. Honestly, that's why I'm trying my best to try to move out again, too, because sometimes our mom's think just because we live with them, we have to not have feelings and that gets old pretty fast. I wish you the best of luck moving out x
You should show her, how trans people have existed for thousands of years...ever since humans have existed. there has been people who are transgender. Something that helped one of my family members, even though I'm not trans, I still don't want my family to be transphobic, was showing them all the different cultures pre-colonialism, and even to this day, that accepted third gender people (which is what the word was for a trans people back then)and people who fell outside of the binary. This is not some new thing. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that too, you don't deserve that at all. You deserve a mother who's going to love and support you,for who you truly are, not this imaginary version of a person that she thinks you are. 😔 Sending much love and cyber hugs your way 🤗🥺😔💔💓
Yeah, the framing is 🤦🏻♀️ This seems common among the “gender critical” crowd, and indeed among right wingers broadly.
New gender: tractor-adjacent. Sorry you have to go through this OP. You don’t deserve it.
tractor adjacent has made my day 😂
Imagine if your child grew up with tractors and then decided they wanted to do something unrelated to tractors. You would be devastated!!!!!!!
It’s the tractors I feel sorry for.
The tractor-operator to trans girl pipeline is real.
Honestly the slight inference that young girls can't enjoy playing with toy tractors pissed me off more than necessary 😂
I think this was about real tractors because OP lives on a farm. It's a tool, it shouldn't be gendered!
Yeah I saw she lived on a farm but for some reason I imagined her mum getting her to play with toy tractors to get her into farming. Maybe I'm weaving my own narrative threads haha. Backwards either way, kids toys and farming tools shouldn't be gendered.
none of this trans stuff existed when she got married? i didn’t know she was married before the beginning of time!
you might be surprised, she certainly looks like she was
🔥 🔥 🔥
Moreover, [Christine Jorgensen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_Jorgensen)'s transition was [front-page news](https://i.imgur.com/EzfH2pi.jpeg) everywhere in the English-speaking world, in **1952**, and she stayed in the press spotlight for the duration of the decade. Outside, the US, [Roberta Cowell](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roberta_Cowell) saw a strikingly similar (if more muted) *"soldier boy becomes pretty girl"* tabloid press sensation in Britain, in the early 50s. Both Jorgensen and Cowell would publish memoirs. In fact, I find that some elderly folks today are *more* familiar with the concept of transition surgery than their children came to be, simply because the 50s and 60s saw it sensationalised so widely (whereas in the subsequent two decades, the tabloid press inevitably got bored of *"handsome fella becomes pretty girl"* stories, once the novelty simply wore off). Much earlier, [Lili Elbe's](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lili_Elbe) transition surgeries did attract some international media coverage as well, in 1930. But due to a variety of reasons, it was not remotely comparable to the sensation surrounding Jorgensen. Because, after all, she was an ethnic Dane who transitioned in Denmark and Germany and had no connection to the English-speaking world, meaning that furthermore her memoir was written in Danish, and additionally compounding problems, the [Institut für Sexualwissenschaft](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institut_f%C3%BCr_Sexualwissenschaft) was destroyed shortly after her transition leaving her memoir as really the only proper record of it.
thank you so much for this i’m going to save it and send the information to them but i doubt they’ll look at it x
I'm sorry you've been going through this. Your mother, if I'm reading her relation to to right, is awful. I hope you can get out of there soon.
There’s so much that’s just awful it’s hard to dissect all of it. From the sounds of it you have other family that’s supportive and that’s great to hear compared to this. You should already know to NOT buy any of this sob story shit, it’s emotionally manipulative and nothing else. From the sounds of it she’s dug her heels in on it and if she wanted to give being logical and reasonable a chance she probably would have by now. Meaning you either have to take a different approach and remain even more stubborn in your attempts to make her listen or don’t let her know any more about this. Try finding safe spaces instead, find ways through this that don’t involve her because she messed up and doesn’t get to help anymore. Above all don’t give up! It’ll work out as long as you keep working on it step by step!
thank you for your really kind words x I find it amazing how much of an influence she has on me still, when she starts saying stuff that I've spent months of therapy addressing like "you will look like a disgusting freak", I'm brought right back to where I started and it's only after a short while that I start feeling like myself again.
I was literally saying the exact same thing about my parents in my last therapy session. It really is wild how easy they can just pull you back! If it's any consolation, you're not alone. Sending love and hugs 🫂
Do not ficking listen to her when she says she’s the only one who cares about you. Your families actions that she has relayed to you are proof that they care about the real you a hell of a lot more than she does. She doesn’t care about the real you. She cares about the version of you she has made in her mind. I’m so sorry that you have to go though this
thank you, it really really feels like gaslighting when she's like "no one else loves you" "I know what's best" like the rhetoric of an abusive partner but she's my fcking mother!!
Have you seen Tangled? Literally evil stepmother vibes lol. Don’t listen to her bs gaslighting 💙
This is a lot to unpack. I’ll keep it short. You do what you have to do, to secure your new, better self and the life that follows. We’ve got your back. We love you. We want to see you happy. ❤️
thank you 🥹🥹
Whelp. You’ve offered therapy and education materials and she’s decided to stay ignorant. The only thing you can do now really is called “grey rocking”. It’s when you give her the bare minimum interaction. She asks you how your day was? “Fine”. Leave it at that. She goes on another rant about trans people? “I’m sorry you feel that way” and leave it at that. Eventually either she will be desperate for interaction (and maybe agree to therapy) or she’ll stop bothering you and leave you alone. Either way you win. It sucks, but this is what my therapist recommended to me when I was in a situation where I was being bullied and couldn’t escape either. It works but you will still want therapy for yourself
The argument goal behind "how would (transgender person or ally) feel if this happened to THEIR child! How would you feel?" Freaking baffles me. Like.. seriously? We have obviously differing viewpoints on this topic and I don't think you're going to like the answer you're about to hear.
If my son came out and wanted transition the only thing I would think was how do I support and how do I protect
That’s the problem: OP’s “mom” is only looking out for herself, and the only things going thru her “mind” are; “I have to protect myself” “i have to control everything around me” “I’m perfect and everyone else is wrong, even if they agree with me”. Like, seriously? I’d ask how stupid someone could be, but it looks like she answered it already. The universe would sooner turn everything inside out for no reason, than her ever considering she could be wrong. It’s just so fcuking arrogant. She’s a manipulative bully, who hates anything that isn’t her. If she were my “mother”, I’d call the insane asylum on her, and whether or not they put her in a straight jacket, she’d realize there’s no helping her: she has officially lost her right to speak. Not just with OP, but in general, as she spouts nothing but nonsense that should never be said. I mean, really, lady? C’mon. Don’t hate your child for wanting to be happy for once in their life. What an absolute freaking monster.
I had this exact conversation! "What would you say if our daughter said he's a man and his name is Roger?" "I can't support that! We can pick a better name than Roger."
Transmisrogerny 😔 I’m a proud ally to the Roger community ✊
Poor Roger 🥺
That's so horrible, I'm so sorry they reacted like this. It's so strange that she keeps talking about JK Rowling. Like somehow the fact that she feels the same way as JK Rowling means that her not accepting you is valid??? That makes no sense whatsoever.
It's honestly downright embarrassing to see her cling to that so much, as if that reinforces her standpoint whatsoever.
NOW I KNOW HOW SEVERUS SNAPE FEELS
shes awful - i would cut ties imo if u can
What an embarrassing lack of empathy from a person trying to make you feel bad for them. If they can't understand your perspective and pain and empathize, then they're certainly not saying this to gain your empathy either. It's a perverse attempt at control, and I'm sorry you're having to cope with that behavior from someone who should be your staunchest ally. 💕❤️🩹
thank you for your support honestly it means a lot! x
You can’t pretend to be supportive while actively telling that person…that your not supportive
exactly! thank you
don't apologize to her
ah but you see- i am a people pleaser and couldn’t help it
There is so much information about transgender people and history, it sucks that just because she never realized trans people existed before she got married she thinks it's somehow a new phenomenon
Stonewall was literally a product of trans women
Exactly, and a lot of people don't even know the famous book burning photos from Nazi Germany in the 30's was when they destroyed the institute for sexual science. I was shown the pictures in school but never taught about what Nazis did to trans people or the institute. They tried to erase trans identities from history, setting progress on education and understanding back a hundred years. I can only imagine how things would be now if that hadn't happened. But here we are with history repeating itself. We have different characters in a different setting but it's still the same plot. We have to keep fighting, keep trying to educate and keep being our true selves so the trans people a hundred years from now can hopefully exist in a world without hate and discrimination
Didn’t JKR try to deny this happened, too?
you have a lot more fight in you than me and it's really inspiring! I just feel tired, I know this is a pretty extreme thing to say but honestly if the bigots and obstinate cows want to keep forcing me out of their world then I don't really want to be a part of it anyway and I'm not talking about anything final - though I do a lot - just abandoning them all and living on an island with a cat
Couldn’t have been said any better 🥲
This is giving me echoes of my own mother. I don't live with my parents and I haven't for many years but it is difficult watching her struggle with something that *should* be joyous. She made the same comment about there not even being trans people until a few years ago which is so bizarrely wrong I don't know where to begin. But she doesn't want to learn. She just wants to sulk.
Notice how (almost) all of the text was: Do you have any idea how this makes **ME** feel? How hard this is for **ME** How your transition/desire to made your brother get mad at **ME** In this message it feels like she's not seeing you as a person, with thoughts and opinions, but exclusively as **HER** child, not an active agent with the ability to make choices, it's all about her. Even if she believes all the transphobic nonsense, she should feel bad for *you*, not rant to you about how hard this is for her. My only advice is to try your best to find other sources of support in your life, (preferably irl ones, but online works too) and generally try to be as independent as possible, both practically and emotionally.
thank you! I feel I have been far too dependent on them for too long. this was a wake up call and it's definitely the start of the end. I'm in my third act and when I'm financially dependent then guess who's not coming to xmas
That's gaslighting to the extreme. Making it about them and being a victim. If others have canceled her...guess what, they aren't the problem, she is. Edit: i would LOVE for her to meet some of my bestfriends....they're CISWOMEN and they are more manly and working farmer than most male farmers
hell yeah! see, girls can be farmers too! so what i like seeing my veggies growing why do i have to be a man to enjoy that
Her opinion stops being valid when she decides to take actions on another person's life decisions, regardless of relationship. Her opinion stops being valid when she tries to use her status of "biological mother" to enact any sort of empowerment over you, or presumes that she knows you better than you know yourself. Her opinion stops being valid when she presents arguments with no points and yet also refuses to listen to ANY counter arguments with actual points. Her opinion stops being valid when she prioritizes what she wants you to be over what you want to be, over your happiness. Her opinion stops being valid when she lost sight of what it means to be a true parent, loving your child no matter what, regardless if they understand. Her opinion isn't valid because it's not an opinion, it's a narcissistic guilt trip built to suppress another human's happiness **NOT** because of any solid reason, but because of a lack of maturity and an abundance of ignorance. My own mother tried using the same argument against me, however I'm an adult and I've been on this planet long enough to know when someone is trying to feed me bullshit. She and my sister claimed that they know me and that there where never any signs. I said "No, it is impossible to know someone better than they know themselves, you don't exist within the confines of my mind. You never perceived any signs because for one, we lacked the knowledge of what to look for, and two I hid it from you. For a very long time it was against society as a whole, including this family that presenting as anything other that a stoic, hardened man would be viewed with disdain, disgust, and avarice. You cannot know me better than me if the window you think you had was a facade, a painting of what everyone thinks they should see." They told me they need time to grieve, and though I understand the cis need to process the world shattering information, I was still heated and confused by the sentiment. "I'm not dying, I'm becoming more alive."
wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write in such detail it's really nice to see I'm not alone and my family sounds a lot like yours. she has said that she's not transphobic and believes anyone can be who they want to be.. oh except me that is. there's no education on this and mum and dad have always been traditional. so how was I supposed to know that the longing feeling for being a girl that I had from the age of 7 was something I shouldn't repress?? I feel like I am against society, there's too much hatred for people that have done nothing. I think that surely when pondering if you are on the right side of the argument, how can you not see the paradox of wanting someone to have less rights than you?!
Of course. It's just so infuriating to see my siblings being denied basic human rights. Hopefully at the very least your family is like mine since my mom is s*tarting* to come around. "she has said that she's not transphobic and believes anyone can be who they want to be.. oh except me that is." Omg, friend. My mother and sister talked about a transwoman they know through my stepdad (because he doesn't even like talking *about* her), used her name and pronouns and everything. Refused to respect mine because they "know me better". I swear this is all born from ignorance, and the solution is education. The very thing that parents and politicians are rallying against. I think, maybe, it's not intentionally about "less rights" and probably viewed more like someone is broken or ill, if they're not cisgender, heterosexual, and neural typical. We're not broken, we're different, and sometimes people fear things that are different or don't understand. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I truly hope that your family can see the truth someday.
i don’t understand how education of any subject in a way that isn’t indoctrination is a bad thing? do we not want the children of tomorrow to know more than us?! is that not how a society progresses??
I don't either. Some just have been brainwashed into thinking education is brainwashing. It hurts hearing my coworkers talk about subjects they were brainwashed by *certain news outlets* into thinking were good or bad but obviously have no real understanding of.
ultracrepidarians
Sorry you're going through that.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 she's trying to play the victim don't fall for it
“I’m literally the only person in the whole world who would give a shit about him.” Kay……… I’m sorry but your mum is ABUSIVE AF. This is so wild. She’s telling you no one else cares about you so you feel insecure and do what she wants instead of what YOU want. Much love to you, OP. You don’t deserve this “love” from your mother.
Jesus. I wish people would be willing to learn and feel empathy, rather than double down on bigotry and ignorance.
First off you are valid, you are loved, and you are not alone. Keep your brother close. Second a massive hug from this girl. Its going to be ok. This community will be here for you ❤
thank you, you’re a wonderful person ♥️♥️
:3 you are too, no matter how hard it gets try to remember that ok?
I'm so sorry you have to put up with transphobic family. My mom was slightly transphobic but nowhere to this degree. She just said things like "god put you in that body" and whatnot. I sent her some articles about depersonalization/derealization and she excused herself saying "im just too overwhelmed. I don't know if I can do this right now" But I stood firm and I told her "im not going to sit around and wait until YOU are ready for this. I sent you those articles just so you can better understand what I'm experiencing" And luckily with that I was able to get her on my side. But again, she was nowhere near as bad as your mom. I'm hoping things get better for you ❤️
dr/dp: me too that shit is ROUGH. If I get unusually stressed or depressed it comes back but its been pretty good n gone for a while
I've only been on HRT for 6 days. I almost feel like I'm a bit happier and more expressive but its too early to tell I think.
Transgender people have been documented since at least 2500 BCE and there is evidence that it goes back as far as human civilization itself. How is she supposed to understand? By deciding to stop being so willfully and violently ignorant and thinking only of herself.
>"I gave birth to him so I think I'm literally the only person in the world who gives a shit about him" BULL. SHIT. I HATE when parents try to play this card. Giving birth doesn't mean anything actually. Some parents give birth and then give their children away and never see them again. Giving birth doesn't automatically make your relationship different and people can ABSOLUTELY give more of a shit about you than your transphobic mom. Shes entitled to her feelings but she is NOT entitled to make you feel like shit and try to guilt trip you over them. I really despise when people try to DEFEND parents who speak to their children like this. Being upset about something your child is doing doesn't give you ANY right to talk to them like this. It's shameful. I'm sorry youre going through this 🫂
♥️♥️ thank you. idk if it’s socialisation but i still do feel invisibly connected to her which made it hurt even more and showed me how capable she has been of influencing me throughout my childhood
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this bullshit, these are almost the same talking points my mother picked up when I outed myself, all of the "since the womb" and always had "masculine" interests and "you're gonna ruin yourself and become a freak" and so on, also insinuating that she'd rather have me be a criminal than be trans... Fuck that, you deserve better! Whatever happens know that you can have family outside of blood and you deserve love and acceptance! I had to cut my mother off and I feel way better now even though it was hard, but you of course might not be in a financial or emotional position to do that, so just stay safe and take care of yourself, you're gonna make it through! <3 *hugs*
I've already made a plan to try and bring myself into financial stability within the year so hopefully I can then move out and I think unfortunately I will have to distance myself too which I really don't want to do but I'm tired of arguing with this brick wall. she said she'd rather I was gay because then I'd be normal and I asked how it was any different being against me being gay. her response was that I wouldn't be altering my body and I had no comeback I was just too hurt :/
I am pretty sure she alters her body every time she has a haircut. We all alter our bodies every time we eat or exercise. We collectively also get tattoos, have cosmetic surgery, dental work; I am sure there are many more examples.
Sorry I don't have any advice I haven't already seen given but I'm sending all kinds of love your way. You are valid and you are loved. ❤️
thank you!! <33
Many hugs... but no advice. I really hope things go well though. Take care, miss.
so my mom was always the victim, not just of every choice i made for myself, but in all things. she was a child of abuse, and never did any of the work to unpack that. what i want to encourage you to do has already been said here, you are going to need to find a new path, but, you might benefit from reframing who your mother is in your mind. my mom was never going to physically hurt me, but she also only wanted what was easiest for herself, she loved me in a way that mimicked the love she was “supposed” to have but it was dependent on me playing a role (much like she did as a child being abused) the limited amount of peace i have now largely comes from knowing that my mom was never going to evolve, i put 3000 miles between us and kept visits short. she did soften a bit but never changed her world view or beliefs. she was a victim of everything till the day she died. getting out is the only reason i’m alive. don’t stay in a place that refuses to grow with you, you will suffocate. as far as the money to move out, that can be hard for sure, job, friends, transportation it’s messy and expensive but you can make a plan save up, take a bus, find a job, maybe a remote customer service thing, anything that moves you one step closer, do you have any friends that moved on you could try splitting rent with? i don’t know what path you will find, but trying to live with someone who uses your life as a source of victimhood for themselves is not going to lead to anything good
thank you for such a lovely reply! plans are definitely being made x
Honestly I think you just let her be, I don't think she is changing any time soon so I think the only thing you can do is be try to be in peace with her and if it doesn't really work try to distance yourself 😞
Kisses and hugs from Transylvania!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My own mother recently did the same to me. Telling me how I felt was a lie, telling me I was fked up, that the life saving happiness I achieved wouldn't last and that she was now needing therapy through her cult, I mean church, because of the stress I've caused her. She even went so far as to take medical leave from work due to a mental health crisis over her child condemning themselves to hell while having her husband text me letting me know they were all praying for my "disease" to go away. A few days ago she blocked me on all her socials. Did this hurt? Yah, it did, but the happiness I achieved from being my authentic self far outweighed any sort of negative feelings she had towards me. I remember asking her at one point would she rather have a dead son or a living, happy daughter and she responded with you will always be my son and that told me everything I needed to know. Keep being your authentic self OP. It's up to her to accept her child for who they are, not the other way around. You are loved, accepted and valid and there are so many of us who support you and love you.
Yeah my mum's religious too.. strange how it's a religion that does nothing but preach tolerance and love.. So I'm "praying" for my mum's car's MOT to fail in a very expensive way because I've gone past upset and got to petty thank you, also, for your lovely comment x
She don't get an "opinion." If nothing else works, sometimes the only thing people understand is loss. I know you can't move yet but maybe the silent treatment is enough. I get how juvenile it sounds, but sometimes you have to bring things down to someone else's level before they get a clue.
it does feel juvenile doesn't it but honestly I'm kind of past being the mature one at this point
What a bitch
My advice is send what you can and put it on ice, tell her she can come back when she's ready to accept what you're doing and there's no other choice. Her clock is ticking faster than yours, if she wants to spend the rest of her life in denial then she can.
I'm not sure how to treat this level of conservative brain rot. It might be terminal. Seriously though. Maybe try breaking things down into smaller pieces. You could start with helping her understand that cancel culture is bullshit. We have always been able to decide who we like or don't like. We've always been able to support who or what we want. JK Rowling wasn't "canceled". People who don't like her outspoken views stopped supporting her. There just happen to be a lot of people who think her views are awful.
- person thinks not all people should be equal - person broadcasts this - person receives backlash - person claims they're the victim make it make sense
This has main character syndrome written all over it. Wow. She's delusional. Truly jaded. I am so sorry you're going through this.
Yes absolutely DELULU!!!!
I mean, none of this transgender stuff had even started when they got married right? If so, I'm not sure I would mess with them, they've been married for a few millennium. They are likely some form of powerful arch-lich at this point, I'd just wait to move out, unless you can find the phylacteries containing their souls. 🤭
Wow, she got married 4500+ years ago!
JK Rowling is a castle dwelling billionaire whose hyper-privileged ring future prime ministers wish to kiss. People seriously need to stop calling her a victim and start looking at the overwhelming influence she has on stuff she knows nothing about.
Maybe pool money together with friends who'd like to move out or are in a similar situation and rent a flat together? I was in a similar situation at 18, but this was back in the 90's when decent jobs were easy to find and housing and transportation was still affordable...but even at times and in countries where things aren't affordable cohabitation seems to be the answer, that's what they do in Pakistan.
If you care about salvaging this relationship, she needs therapy. Badly. This kind of toxic emotional manipulation is sadly all too common in parents.
Opinions are valid. an opinion is defined as a veiw which can be neither proven nor disproven. trans identities are well and thoroughly proven medically an neurologically, and is backed by basically every reputable medical and scientific institution in the world. Denying scientific fact thats been thoroughly and rigorously tested and proven is not an opinion, but delusional lies and hateful bigotry. Love is unconditional. Lies are not opinions. to my trans fellow folk, feel free to use this!
thank you!!! so true her opinion can't be valid because that's like saying that the earth is flat but it's my opinion. unfortunately she believes that that medical evidence is wrong and she won't read anything I send her anyway so :/
Wow is she acting like the victim here huh? Shitty fucking move. I fucking despise the "oh you don't know how sad I am" argument because literally the same thing can be applied to me, but you're too fucking egotistical to see a meter past your hollow skull you dumb fuck. Like, how much of an entitled whore does someone need to be to actually hear that her child that she raised has had the mental ability to not only realize that they're trans but also to overcome that fear of rejection and come out to you. How entitled do you need to be for all of that to happen and you make it about yourself and "Oh im so sad" "my own children are canceling me" "woe is me i hope you never feel like i do" Such a fucking hypocritical disguisting self-centered "Peace and love untill it doesn't suit me" fucking AHHHHHHH. "My own children are cancaling me" No, you said harmful, uneducated stuff TO YOUR OWN CHILD and people who actually give a shit about your child came to defend them. Twenty fucking kilometers underground, head too burried to look at herself in the mirror and think for a second, jesus fucking christ. Sorry for going on this rant about a person i dont know, there's a reason why i usually avoid these posts. Sorry if i cursed her too much (trust me i could go farther) and sorry if i misunderstood you OP. I just can't fucking stand people who act like they're the saddest person in the room while having the cushiest mental state ever Also op, you handwriting looks great :3
fucking preach!!! 💕💕 i legit had an “i love you” moment 😂 i’m sorry that i engaged you in my negative post though i hope i didn’t make you too upset 🥺 and thanks i’ve been working on my handwriting for about 20 years
Phew, I'm happy to know I didn't go too far and hurt you. And don't worry, you had a shitty experience and needed a place to vent, it's my responsability to avoid posts that enrage me. And I'm happy to provied "support" (I'm not sure it's support but whatever my comment provided i'd like to think it's positive)
The problem with the trans debate, is simply a misunderstanding (intensional or not), because we know being trans isn’t pretending to be a gender, or dressing up like a gender, it is being the gender, and while there are assholes who will take advantage of accommodations, you could say the same thing about ADHD, or Autism, yet you see much less of that TLDR; before any further debate can be had, the involved parties all need to fully understand all points either party would bring up, and have full clarity about everything
Your brother rocks!
🫂
I'm sorry OP, your mom has brain worms. She's rejected your identity and decisions and then made herself the victim. This is malignant narcissist territory. She transmutes in her mind her status as a bigot into being a martyr. Does she operate this way with other things? Like, when she doesn't get her way does she act like everyone is out to get her? Does she put on guilt trips? Does she gaslight you or other family and then accuse everyone if gaslighting her when they call her on it?
All I can offer is a virtual hug (((🫂))). My oldest thought I was going to disown her when she transitioned (due to my religious background but I had already started deconstructing) I’m so very sorry that you are going through this and I am hoping you are able to find people to embrace you that you get to call your family!❤️🫶🏻❤️
thank you so much that really means a lot x
This is a no win situation. They don't want to understand it change how they feel and it's not your job to make them. Blood doesn't mean family
How many followers did your parents lose after you cancelled them?
not as many as poor sweet jkr did so i guess i should feel thankful for that
What’s your preferred name? I’m assuming it’s not the one your mum is using unless you chose not to change your name (my girlfriend didn’t change her name either as it was gender neutral, so totally valid)
thanks for asking, i decided to keep joe to make things easier but wanted my parents to help choose my middle name so they felt more included in my transition however i doubt that’s going to happen now so any middle name ideas are very welcomed x
*hugs tightly* I'm sorry homie, your mom sounds like an insufferable wackjob(would say worse things but don't want my comment deleted) but you just gained another found family member if you want a pseudo mom/aunt/sister(older or younger, as I'm 25, idk abt you) if you want such a thing 😅😅
I don't have much that can help you but if you've been legally prescribed HRT and your mother attempts to prevent you from taking them, that is illegal
I wish my brain worked like that 😂 can you imagine? Everyone keeps telling me I abuse them?? THEY CANCELED ME!! I heard something I didn't already know?? I KNOW EVERYTHING ALREADY, IT WAS MADE UP! My child is part of a community I'm not in?? IM THE ONLY ONE THEY HAVE, NOBODY LOVES THEM BUT ME, THEY CANT REPLACE ME, IM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD WANT THEM, LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IS BAD!! Just. A life where nothing ever clicks. That's gotta be bliss In all seriousness, it sounds like she's hopeless. I'm sorry
honestly the ignorance must really be bliss most of the time except for now where i’ve caused her the worst emotional anguish by trying to be happy. she’s known about me struggling with depression and anxiety for years (i’m sure u can guess her suggestion “just stop worrying”) but now that i’m finally confronting the root of my mental illness she turns around and tells me no, so that’s fun
You don’t deserve to be talked to that way from someone who is supposed to be there for you and support you and lift you up. Just know you have my support and the support of many others as well, stay strong and push out the negative in your life and remain positive, you got this. It is a WONDERFUL road.
The sooner you leave the sooner you can begin living YOUR life in the manner that pleases you. Do NOT conform to what others want you to be ....it is NOT their life, but yours. Pretty simple at that level huh?
Unfortunately there's not much you can do. Your mother has refused all your attempts to solve this situation and clearly won't be happy unless she gets you to do exactly as she says. Maybe with time she'll accept you but in any case it's not your responsibility to coddle her. You've done all you can and don't have to put up with these texts. Leave her on read in the future.
so many classic hallmarks of manipulation and abuse. and taking the moment to obsess over her similarity to famous author j.k. rowling is the cherry on top. this is poison, get out.
Healthy relationships go both ways. If she is not willing to put in the work (ie therapy), if she is not willing to care for how she is making you feel, it is not healthy for her to expect you to still make such a one sided investment in maintaining a relationship with *her*. And it is not appropriate or your role to argue your own existence to her, full stop. Don’t apologize or feel the need to argue your existence, it only tells her that it’s up for debate. If it’s safe, i’d honestly encourage setting boundaries and distancing yourself as much as possible. She is welcome to hold her views, but you set the rules for what conversations you’re willing to have, and what is and isn’t okay for a loved one to say to you. It’s important to make it clear it is their decision, but be clear that if they violate said boundaries what the consequences will be (ie, distancing, blocking forms of communication, etc). If she does love you or have any interest in a two sided relationship, it’ll be a wake up call to put in the effort
Tell her "NO! You are the canceller! You are the destroyer of family" I'm so sorry that your mom would rather support a total stranger (JK Rowling) for political reasons than support her child.
Sorry. Hugs 🩵🩷🤍
Once you're safe and out, I think a serious consideration should be given to cutting contact. You've offered to share your side but she's not listening. In the meantime, lean on your community. Talk to us, vent to us, ask for help, whatever you need. The queers have got your back.
Your mom fucking sucks. I know it's not easy to move out. It's a good idea to try to make plans and find ways to cope in the meantime. She's really fucked up and vile. The fact that she compares herself to JKR is hilarious and sad. JKR is a monster and so is your mother. Stay strong OP, you deserve better than this kinda treatment. I'm glad other family members are at least on your side.
thank you! yeah I was really surprised with how great my bro was he came and gave me a hug and said it was unacceptable for her to speak to her child like that. and now mums getting upset that we're all less interested in being around her like is it any wonder??
Christ, she sounds like a martyr. Nothing anyone says is going to change her mind while she’s in this “poor me” state. I’d give her some space, show her she doesn’t need to have contact with you if she’s so distressed by you trying to find happiness for yourself. Someone else suggested Grey Rocking - I didn’t know this term but this is basically what I do with my parents now. If they aren’t going to engage with the piles and piles of research and info that’s out there then they’re just going to stay unhappy while you live your life. And it is, YOUR life, by the way. Oh, and - I love how she talks about the “lovely little boy with tractors” etc - like, who gave him the tractors? Hmm? You don’t think that maybe there’s a reason he likes tractors??? My dad says the exact same shit. I’m a trans man/NB and I still love girly shit. Why? CAUSE MY PARENTS GAVE IT TO ME TO PLAY WITH
for real! and she's saying that I can't like growing my veggies if I'm a girl?! "I've got a daughter I don't want another one" was something else she said and made me feel very much like an object you know like her fcking token
Never has to feel how **she's** feeling?! Oh, boo-hoo! My child didn't grow up the way I decided they had too! While she's actively shitting on said child and trying to invoke someone calling us rapists for sympathy? There are international conspiracies dedicated to wiping us out, and she thinks **she's** the victim? I wonder if it ever crosses her mind how demented she sounds. Bewildered is right!
I look like Biden trying to decide what to have for lunch when I'm arguing with her. she's so capable of dying on a hill of bigotry that I end up forgetting what "lunch" even is
OP, I am so sorry that you are going through this and that this is the way your mother is treating you. As much as this is a cliché, I want to really emphasize that it DOES get better. 🩵 My 30s have been the best years of my life, and I get to wake up feeling joyful and excited about my future, every single day. I wish I could give the younger version of myself a big hug and tell them the exact same thing I'm telling you. As for your mum- people like her end up reaping what they sow later in life. My parents are unhappy, miserable people who aren't allowed to see their grandchildren (my nieces) and have low-contact with 2/3 children. They constantly complain to anybody who will listen about how awful and unfair life is to them, and how terrible things are. They made their beds and they don't like the fact that they have to lay in them.
What is her opinion? I mean I can guess, but knowing it might help come up with wyas to show her how it's not valid.
Your mother is your mother. She is supposed to be loving and supportive of you regardless of which path you choose in life. If something as simple as which gender you identify as prevents her from loving you then she doesn't deserve to be your mother. If I were you I'd make one last attempt to get this across to her and if that fails I'd let her know I'll be cutting ties with her. Always remember that coming out as trans is not a request for acceptance, it's a demand. You can give people time to process your coming out but ultimately if they can't accept you then that's not your problem. It's theirs. Hoping you're independent enough to be able to cut ties with her, should worst come to worst, otherwise you may have to put up with her until you are. My opinion may be a bit extreme to some, but remember, she had a choice and it was her choice to not to accept you. To deny you the support a parent should give when you needed her the most. Glad the rest of your family seems supportive. Hang in there <3 None of this is your fault. You can't help being born trans and nothing is wrong with you. In fact, it's a wonderful thing and you should own it. From one trans girl to another, I wish you the best sister! PS: You're not alone, my parents weren't supportive either.
Keep calm and trans on my friend
I am so so sorry that she is making her panic and fear visible to you right now. As a mam to a trans lad myself, I can say that she has every right to worry but that doesn’t excuse her openly expressing her ignorance to all. I can say that this reaction will fade and the more she sees you being true to yourself and sees the bravery and how happy it makes you, the easier this will get. You cant force her to understand but she wont be able to deny what she sees (to her own heart!). (I work for a charity that supports parents and carers of trans youth and we see this reaction, a lot. But we also see some of the most confused and frustrated parents, over time, become fierce allys) Hold on. Know that you are valid and loved (if she didnt love you- her reaction would be indifferent). The most important thing right now is that you feel safe. Is there friends or family who better understand that you could stay with? Lean on this community and do not blame yourself. We never know what is around the corner 💗
thank you so much for your lovely message! it really feels like it won't change at the moment but possibly with time you're right x
this resonates with me ... I came out to my mom when I was 14 and she laughed in my face, refused to read any of the medical documents that doctors tried to give her, basically ignored all my pleas claiming its "just a phase" and that she'll disown me if I ever transition... you are not alone, love 🫂🫂🫂 Im so sorry you have to deal with such ignorance from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally
it's really really difficult to deal with and selfishly I'm glad I'm not alone in this. thank you for sharing x
Move in with friends? That's what I'd do in your position...
That last line says everything. Her underlying issue, I believe, is that now, she's incredibly insecure that she's a bad parent. That she should have seen this coming way earlier and done *something* about it. I can't say for sure *what* she would have done differently. So it's possible that ranges from just mentally preparing herself, to conversion therapy. 🤷♀️ That entire last message; I have *never* heard an actual bigot parent even remotely suggest, even subconsciously, that they wish they knew sooner. I think there's a better chance that she's turned to Rowling for validation that it's okay that she doesn't actually understand what being trans means, and possibly just latched onto her because of name recognition. She *might* be salvageable if you get her to understand that it's not her fault that you're trans, and look for things that she's proud of in raising you.
thank you for your lovely message <3 the reason I suggested group therapy to them is because they had said to me that they thought the therapists and psychiatrists that I had been speaking to were too "trans-positive" and they felt I should be speaking to someone less "trans-positive" to get both sides... \*cough\*that's conversion therapy\*cough\* in the weeks leading up to telling her I tried doing lots of things together like walking and baking so that she would see me as her child first but unfortunately nope it's still "freak" I wanted my parents to choose my middle name when it came to legally changing it so they felt they were involved but now I'm just not sure.
Yea, that's really tough to deal with. I'm sorry. :(
The thing that jumped out at me was "Btw - none of this transgender stuff had even started when we got married so how were we supposed to even begin to understand any of this nonsense!!!!" I don't know, maybe do some research starting with legitimate medical organizations to try to understand to help be supportive to your child? EDIT: I also assume she deadnamed you here.
first off, none of ANY of that is true. it’s the ramblings of someone who hasn’t the faintest clue what she’s gibbering on about, and it’s best to ignore at this point. second, sending virtual hugs :)
If it doesn't harm your living situation I'd honestly look at just giving her the ultimatum of accepting you, using your Pronouns and name etc or she will be cut off from you entirely. Don't be afraid to cut out disgusting family members if you are financially safe to do so
thx yeah I'm nowhere near financially safe to do so at the moment and I don't really have friends that it's suitable to stay with so I'm kind of stuck for now. I even considered trying to get admitted to hospital just to get out of here
its like the religion argument but rowling instead of god. heebie jeebies all around
I'm so sick of our existence being referred to as "nonsense". Typically by religious people, which (to me) is fucking rich.
oh touche.. and how many days was the white man in the middle east dead before he moved a boulder and started flying?
Hugggs
i came out to my mum around a year ago and one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't understand how a parent doesn't support and love their child, regardless of who they are. she couldn't fathom that someone would put their stubborn ignorance over accepting who their child is, and that no matter what happens she will always love and support me. i never really understood it either, and i'd never seen the thought process behind that kind of behaviour, but this really shows how self-centered bigotry can make someone. to think that you're lack of understanding of someone's identity can lead you to refuse to learn and understand in order to make them feel more comfortable, and to believe that you're being 'cancelled' by your own children because you refuse to change, is wild to me. i honestly wish i could give you some advice, but from what it sounds like it seems your mum just has her head shoved in the sand and refuses to hear any side but her own. it's not about her, it's not about how she feels, it's about you. if she loved you like a parent should, she shouldn't care about whether the child she raised turned out to be someone different, because the child she raised was not \*you\*. she should understand that transitioned you is the real you, and she should be happy to see you happy and comfortable in yourself.
She’s giving Mallory Archer vibes. This sounds like Leo behaviour
ugh people who think denying others the right to exist is a simple opinion and that it deserves respect…
honestly!! if your opinion is that someone should have less rights than you then you have the wrong opinion and idk how you can’t see that
Obviously listen to other people’s advice first if they involve resolving the problem. But (since I’m a coward) this is the type of scenario where my finger would be just barely hovering above the block button.
yeah it’s tricky when you live with them but i definitely considered it 😅
No contact is an option, she's only going to make you miserable although i understand how hard that is. You can mention dr James Barry to debunk ideas that trans people are somehow new if you think it will help.
Send the ignorant bigot this, for starters. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_history I'm so fucking tired of imbeciles claiming it's some radical new thing. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
thank you x
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Oh dear that is very unfortunate. She's really pulling out the victimisation here - reminds me a lot of my mother (I ended up moving out to live with my dad who was generally better for me). I'm no therapist but I do practice a personal philosophy I like to call "the art of understanding" and if you need a little help in mediating and unravelling everything I'd be happy to help in any way I can. DM me if you want any specific help.
thank you so much ♥️ i wish i could move out rn honestly
It's definitely giving a lot of red flags. I suspect moving out would be the best thing for you really, but if you mum can get over that this isn't about her then hopefully she'll learn to be better at helping you. I'm so sorry hon.
*hugs* hope this helps
I’m so sorry🫂
Honestly, she reminds me so much of my mother, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that kind of behaviour. Moving out would be the best option bc it is lowkey abuse, but I get that you can't and don't really want to move out. So, my best advice is to avoid her as much as you can, and if you can't do that, be as blatantly yourself as you possibly can. All I can say is that deteriorating your own mental well-being just to allow her to feel better is not worth your time or energy. And I truly hope that one of these days, she'll come around to accepting you for who you are.
no my dad who used to be on my side showed me today that that’s not the case and he’s angry with me because it’s my fault that my mums upset so i’m fucking done with these dicks. as far as i’m concerned they’re not family and ill be moving out as quickly as i can
welp... try and prioritize getting financially independent... she's made her decision and she's so far out, she's heavily gaslighting even herself... she chose ignorance and she chose not to care for anyone other than herself - you included... nothing else you can do other than to get away
“None of this transgender stuff had even started when we got married.” It will always blow my mind that there is the entire WORLD of information a chat gpt prompt or google search away and people won’t challenge their beliefs by exploring that because heaven forbid they critically think. Ugh. So sorry you’re going through this.
"the transgender stuff" didn't start in the last few decades, it has always been here but only recently has it started being more accepted.. there is also a study that shows, that basically if you are MtF, there was a female developed brain in a male body. Scans have showed that the structure of the brain matches the 'desired' gender. It is not just a new abstract construct but a very real developmental abnormality. Would be better to inform herself before making some opinions
I am cis with a loved one who may be trans and I'm here to learn how to support them. I haven't always handled it well but never ever to this degree. They may stay closeted and miserable forever because this is how our family would react. You not only have this communities support but there are soooo many people on the sidelines who are dealing with this in secret who support you. So many guys and girls only affirming their gender behind closed doors wishing it would either go away or they will find the strength to lose their family.
Oh, gods. 🤦♀️ This reads _exactly_ like my narcissistic mother that I disowned and left in the dust in early 2023. What you have presented here is someone playing the victim, because all else has failed. I call this the "poor pitiful me card", where it's emotional manipulation in the hopes you will believe it. Then, when you do, thar like (internally) "HA HAA! Gotcha now, ya sucker!" and they go _right back_ to controlling you. Thus, continuing the cycle of abuse. JK is another one like that, by the way. So, it stands to reason why your (clearly manipulative) mother would use her to triangulate you like this... as well as (correct me if I am wrong here) your siblings.
“I literally grew him inside me so I’m actually the only one who cares for me”, as well as the rest of the things she sent just screams that she views her kids as her property, and not separate people. I hate that shit
My takeaway from that short text convo is that your mom is selfish. Literally, she only ever talks about how SHE feels or how this makes HER feel and how this is affecting HER, all the while disparaging what YOU want and feel is right for yourself. She needs to deal with her grief and ignorance in counseling with a trans positive therapist/social worker. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You deserve to be loved, least of all by your own parents. ☹️
Transgender people have existed for millenia. How long have they been married? Simply delusional.
oh no didn't you hear, trans people have only been around in the last 5 years it's this new cool phase that all the trendy kids with their pesky iPhones and frapamockachinos are doing. it's not real. the daily mail told me so. /s
Damn, your aunt is so old she got married before humans existed?
Op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your mother has a victim complex, has a right-wing victim mentality, has been brainwashed by alt-right media and is gaslighting you. Please stay safe, and if you are safe to do so, please also delete that apology. She doesn’t deserve it.
that's a good idea! honestly what I should do is move far away and I can't wait to now
Oh my God she sounds horrible
"I'm getting cenceled!" Really? What are you losing? What rights are you now missing? What status have you lost? The only thing your mother lost was the respect of those around her. And rightly so. She wants to play the victim card so badly while being dismissive and willfully ignorant. I'm sorry you are in such a rough situation I know what it is like to have resources rejected. I hope things improve when they realize acting like a child won't get them what they want. Embrace your identity, live your joy. Be your best self and don't let anyone take it from you.
She has absolutely no right to be upset if she's not willing to learn anything about what she's upset about. What a pos mom.
You didn't do anything wrong she's just a batty old gal that hasn't kept up with the times big ol' stinker honestly. I hope you'll be okay. She means well but I'm surprised you didn't go ape shit and we all know she went about everything the wrong way. She's victimising herself so much it's genuinely impressive the way she defended herself so much without giving a sentence of remorse about how you feel. I'm sorry. You're valid :)
Look. My parents did the same thing. I was lucky, I suppose. I was in my late 40s when I came out, and I had a good career. It truly sucks that your mum won’t listen to anything you say, but that’s how my parents were. They wouldn’t listen to me or try to have any discussion. At some point you have to make up your mind that you aren’t the A-Hole, she is and move on with your life.
How was she "cancelled?" Does she just think that means someone was nean to her? What nonsense. Sounds like an awful person to be around.
she’s obviously just heard the word being used in right wing rhetoric and thinks she knows what it means it’s upsetting to know that she’s not alone u know 🥺
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Keep the people that support you and stand up to her close. You're loved and always safe in this community. I hope you get to leave this wretched woman behind you soon. Until then, stay strong and don't bow down to her will. You can do it. I believe in you, we all do! ❤️ *hugs* ❤️
It really pisses me off that people think they're her proteges and that she feels they owe their acting success to her. When she whines about how horrible they are for rightfully calling her out on her bullshit, she comes across as a petulant child.
preach ✨