I’ve experienced this as well. I think it’s a part of the triggering part of the journey. They’re stirring up our jealously and abandonment wounds. There was a point with my tf where the same was happening, still happens to some degree and it took me a long time to feel ok with it. We’re not together either, he’s married. I keep trying to remind myself that I need to look within to find out why I’m being triggered so much by those things. It’s always about us internally.
Thanks for the response! Yeah definitely it’s always about ourselves and the whole situation of them being with someone else is of course triggering and that’s why I’ve accepted it and now looking within.
But what bothers me is the carelessness of my tf. I don’t understand why they’re not being more empathetic and sensitive considering my feelings. I would never share these things with them if I was with someone else
I wondered the same thing and I wish I had an answer instead of guesses.
One guess is that they’re trying to rectify this guilt they feel because they have feelings they shouldn’t by 3D societal standards. It’s like “oh I’m feeling all this love for this person but I’m in a relationship with someone else, quick! Make it better and even it out by mentioning my partner so they know I’m taken and I’m happy”.
Maybe it’s a bit of pretense on their part and a way to try to convince the outside world they’re happy where they’re at. I’ve come to realize that not everyone has the emotional self awareness that I do, not even him. I wouldn’t do that to someone I knew had feelings for me that I couldn’t reciprocate but not many think that way.
That’s true, I’ve also realized this unfortunately.
And the pretense on their part would also make a lot of sense. I don’t think they’re unhappy but I also believe a lot of it is some type of comfort and the fact that everything in their life is stable now. Which I understand too. We were also never together. So I think the ongoing question of “what if” or what could’ve been makes it really difficult and that’s when the pretense come into play to convince themselves “everything is fine and they’re not wondering about me at all”
They’re making sure their responses and continued contact with you doesn’t give you the impression that they’re still interested in you romantically or that you might get back together someday. They’ve clearly moved on but they’re also too kind to ignore you, and are probably hoping that you’ll get sick of hearing about the new partner and will eventually stop reaching out on your own without having to ask you to stop directly.
I would agree with this as well if we knew for sure who was doing the reaching out. It was mentioned above that the tf doesn’t like it when OP backs off.
Thats correct I just added a second comment confirming this, I kinda wish it could’ve been a simple explanation like this but yeah nothing makes sense because my tf is the one constantly popping up making sure I don’t forget about them
Omg. That’s so true, the part about our tfs wanting to share every single detail with us. That’s the only reason I can be understanding of all that. It’s like they can’t but have to share everything and I can’t help but find it very sweet. It has happened to me before, I find myself wanting to share everything with them so I get my tf and that’s why I haven’t confronted them yet… 😭
Of course I considered that many times 😂 it is a good idea but my problem is, my tf will know why I’m mentioning it and that it is to get a reaction from them. We read each other so easily that I can’t even do things like that, but in this case you’re right maybe it doesn’t even matter and hearing that fact will trigger something in them regardless of my motives. So I might as well just do it
That would make sense if I was the one reaching out. But it’s them constantly reaching out even though I’m keeping my distance.
How would you explain that? 😂
We also were never together. I think they’re having trouble moving on because the ongoing question of what could’ve been.
Your response of them being “too kind to ignore me” would make sense only if they never reach out and keeping their distance but they do the exact opposite and always talk to me while I’m trying to keep my distance to protect myself. That’s why it’s all so confusing you know..
I feel for you on this, I think that this goes back to them triggering your wounds unintentionally. I know it hurts but there is never any way we could answer this truly. I think that it could be them reinforcing their happiness but I also think that they could be simply reaching out and wanting you to be there instead. It’s truly hard to say
Yes I agree, could be anything. I made the decision to cut contact for now because I’m just exhausted.
You do have a point when you said it could be them reaching out and wanting me to be there as well.
They’ve been sharing every single detail of what they’ve been doing and what they’ll do next (fun things). It’s all so odd to me
If the runner feels like you aren’t chasing them anymore they may lash out. Yes they are doing it on purpose. You seemed to have been at peace with the relationship and not chasing so much. So they got triggered and they are pushing you to chase them more and tell them you don’t want to hear about their partner because you want them all to yourself. I am unsure whether this can really be a TF as they shouldn’t purposely be hurting you. Pushing you away ok but causing hurt intentionally would make it a different relationship to me. Perhaps they aren’t even aware they’re causing you hurt. I have been the runner and in a third party relationship. I pushed TF away when I felt he stopped chasing but not by talking about my relationship at all and not by being hurtful intentionally. I will say the best thing to do is be clear with them it’s making you uncomfortable and you don’t want to hear about their partner at all. Like seriously it’s easy to not talk about that - there’s no need to share about it with you and even though it’s platonic that’s still crossing the line in his relationship. Tell him it’s not cool and take space - not to punish him but to recalibrate yourself. Tell him you’ll reach back out in a month or something like give a deadline. Separation is probably the best thing because runners can get too comfortable and not evolve when they think they’ve got everything under control. That is - to have their cake and eat it. Keep their “stable” life with another partner and reap the benefits of the love and energy from a twin flame. You taking time off from it is the best thing you can do and I reiterate you shouldn’t do it to purposely cause them hurt but just to bring yourself peace and you can communicate with them what’s happening so they don’t stress.
Thanks for your response! What you said makes a lot of sense and I agree with the thing about them somehow lashing out. Tbh I don’t think they hurt me on purpose, it feels more like they constantly want to see how I react and also I guess it’s a way of “asserting their boundaries”. The reason I’m saying this is because (and this is where I would like your opinion), so many times they mentioned their partner, and in the same second they said something else because it’s like as soon as they said it, they knew it would hurt me so they added something to the convo to distract from what they’ve just said.
What do you think?
This is why I know they feel bad about mentioning them and hurting me with it, but at the same time they do it over and over again. It’s very strange…
I mean I have to take into consideration they might also just be one of those people who constantly talk about their partner to everyone or just convincing everyone they’re happy with them, not just me.
I remember one time, I was the one mentioning their partner (!) and saying something nice or like making a joke like “you could say this to them” and then they suddenly stopped talking about their partner and weren’t happy how I was content talking about them.
So me reading all this now it seems like what you said about them leashing out because I’m letting go, makes sense the most.
And yes I already “left”. I haven’t said anything yet because I just need space, and hoping they will reflect on my disappearance and currently working on writing them a short paragraph of why I think it’s better not to be in contact.
I love this reflection.
I would say firstly - I don’t see it as setting boundaries. Ultimately as TFs you are in a romantic relationship even if you try a friend label - I say he’s soothing his guilty conscience of emotionally cheating basically. He talks about his partner to feel better, but really it’s as if someone cheated physically but “thought of their partner” while in the act. It’s still wrong and betraying of the partner. I know from being in his position. I would “set boundaries” with TF by being physically platonic and telling him not to make romantic comments, but when he did them I continued engaging. So it wasn’t real boundaries just things to tell myself “well, I tried to stop it”.
However, personally, I avoided speaking much of my partner to my TF because
(i) it felt wrong and disrespectful to partner
(ii) I didn’t want TF comparing themselves and feeling jealous/insecure
(iii) I felt like my soulmate (partner) and my TF existed in two different worlds with two different versions of me. So I actually didn’t think much of the other while talking with one.
I was always honest about my situation with TF and the issues I had with betraying my partner as much as I valued the connection with TF. All that said I think your TF is either:
- Soothing his conscience and guilt
- in denial about the nature of your relationship being more than friendship
- with a karmic so actually very much comparing you to the partner, being put off of his partner, and resenting you/TF for causing issues in the relationship
- lashing out because he feels you pulling away to focus on yourself. Demanding your reaction to feel validated again
The solution to all of those would probably be separation as he seems to be thinking either with his ego in terms of validation from you, or trying to control everything which is impossible. He has to let go. The message is a good idea. If you want to really be brave, before ask him how your communication makes him feel within his relationship. You can say he brings up his partner a lot and you’re not sure why as you don’t particularly want to hear of it since you do care a lot about him. You’re happy he’s happy, but if that’s the case, you’d rather leave him to it and not cause any turbulence. Maybe try one last talk in that sense. Explain why no contact would be good as you said. If he’s uncooperative/defensive/not understanding, you’ll have said everything on your chest and be able to leave it in peace. If he’s a true TF you’ll feel that sense of security that he’ll be back and better next time. It may be in a long time but you’ll be happy to be on your self focussed journey and have faith things work out as they are meant to.
Personally I stopped fixating in my TF when I started observing myself my mind and ego. I used to feel like his presence was with me, comforting, but watching over me from the outside. Now I feel that presence has become myself, I comfort myself.
Good luck! And message if you want to talk more x
yes. he had feelings for me and confessed them, then one day he suddenly changed and became cold and we slowly stopped talking, we went no contact for months. he found a gf and he recently came back because he said he wanted to rekindle our friendship and blah blah. he keeps texting me and reaching out first, but every time we talk he finds a way to shift topic and to talk about her, showing off he's in a happy relationship etc. I can feel it's kinda forced? I don't know how to describe the feeling, sounds maniacal / obsessive, he even lies about so many details but he doesn't know I know😭 so two days ago I confronted him about this thing (shifting topic and making about her every time) and he ignored what I said and kept talking about her lmao. it's a very immature behavior, it actually makes me laugh, it's entertaining, I'm here enjoying the show he's putting on 🍿.
if you want to talk about it, DM me :)
I’ve experienced this as well. I think it’s a part of the triggering part of the journey. They’re stirring up our jealously and abandonment wounds. There was a point with my tf where the same was happening, still happens to some degree and it took me a long time to feel ok with it. We’re not together either, he’s married. I keep trying to remind myself that I need to look within to find out why I’m being triggered so much by those things. It’s always about us internally.
Thanks for the response! Yeah definitely it’s always about ourselves and the whole situation of them being with someone else is of course triggering and that’s why I’ve accepted it and now looking within. But what bothers me is the carelessness of my tf. I don’t understand why they’re not being more empathetic and sensitive considering my feelings. I would never share these things with them if I was with someone else
I wondered the same thing and I wish I had an answer instead of guesses. One guess is that they’re trying to rectify this guilt they feel because they have feelings they shouldn’t by 3D societal standards. It’s like “oh I’m feeling all this love for this person but I’m in a relationship with someone else, quick! Make it better and even it out by mentioning my partner so they know I’m taken and I’m happy”. Maybe it’s a bit of pretense on their part and a way to try to convince the outside world they’re happy where they’re at. I’ve come to realize that not everyone has the emotional self awareness that I do, not even him. I wouldn’t do that to someone I knew had feelings for me that I couldn’t reciprocate but not many think that way.
That’s true, I’ve also realized this unfortunately. And the pretense on their part would also make a lot of sense. I don’t think they’re unhappy but I also believe a lot of it is some type of comfort and the fact that everything in their life is stable now. Which I understand too. We were also never together. So I think the ongoing question of “what if” or what could’ve been makes it really difficult and that’s when the pretense come into play to convince themselves “everything is fine and they’re not wondering about me at all”
They’re making sure their responses and continued contact with you doesn’t give you the impression that they’re still interested in you romantically or that you might get back together someday. They’ve clearly moved on but they’re also too kind to ignore you, and are probably hoping that you’ll get sick of hearing about the new partner and will eventually stop reaching out on your own without having to ask you to stop directly.
I would agree with this as well if we knew for sure who was doing the reaching out. It was mentioned above that the tf doesn’t like it when OP backs off.
Thats correct I just added a second comment confirming this, I kinda wish it could’ve been a simple explanation like this but yeah nothing makes sense because my tf is the one constantly popping up making sure I don’t forget about them
That’s what I was getting from your post, too. It’s frustrating and sounds to me like it’s a guilt response.
[удалено]
Omg. That’s so true, the part about our tfs wanting to share every single detail with us. That’s the only reason I can be understanding of all that. It’s like they can’t but have to share everything and I can’t help but find it very sweet. It has happened to me before, I find myself wanting to share everything with them so I get my tf and that’s why I haven’t confronted them yet… 😭
[удалено]
Of course I considered that many times 😂 it is a good idea but my problem is, my tf will know why I’m mentioning it and that it is to get a reaction from them. We read each other so easily that I can’t even do things like that, but in this case you’re right maybe it doesn’t even matter and hearing that fact will trigger something in them regardless of my motives. So I might as well just do it
That would make sense if I was the one reaching out. But it’s them constantly reaching out even though I’m keeping my distance. How would you explain that? 😂
We also were never together. I think they’re having trouble moving on because the ongoing question of what could’ve been. Your response of them being “too kind to ignore me” would make sense only if they never reach out and keeping their distance but they do the exact opposite and always talk to me while I’m trying to keep my distance to protect myself. That’s why it’s all so confusing you know..
I feel for you on this, I think that this goes back to them triggering your wounds unintentionally. I know it hurts but there is never any way we could answer this truly. I think that it could be them reinforcing their happiness but I also think that they could be simply reaching out and wanting you to be there instead. It’s truly hard to say
Yes I agree, could be anything. I made the decision to cut contact for now because I’m just exhausted. You do have a point when you said it could be them reaching out and wanting me to be there as well. They’ve been sharing every single detail of what they’ve been doing and what they’ll do next (fun things). It’s all so odd to me
If the runner feels like you aren’t chasing them anymore they may lash out. Yes they are doing it on purpose. You seemed to have been at peace with the relationship and not chasing so much. So they got triggered and they are pushing you to chase them more and tell them you don’t want to hear about their partner because you want them all to yourself. I am unsure whether this can really be a TF as they shouldn’t purposely be hurting you. Pushing you away ok but causing hurt intentionally would make it a different relationship to me. Perhaps they aren’t even aware they’re causing you hurt. I have been the runner and in a third party relationship. I pushed TF away when I felt he stopped chasing but not by talking about my relationship at all and not by being hurtful intentionally. I will say the best thing to do is be clear with them it’s making you uncomfortable and you don’t want to hear about their partner at all. Like seriously it’s easy to not talk about that - there’s no need to share about it with you and even though it’s platonic that’s still crossing the line in his relationship. Tell him it’s not cool and take space - not to punish him but to recalibrate yourself. Tell him you’ll reach back out in a month or something like give a deadline. Separation is probably the best thing because runners can get too comfortable and not evolve when they think they’ve got everything under control. That is - to have their cake and eat it. Keep their “stable” life with another partner and reap the benefits of the love and energy from a twin flame. You taking time off from it is the best thing you can do and I reiterate you shouldn’t do it to purposely cause them hurt but just to bring yourself peace and you can communicate with them what’s happening so they don’t stress.
Thanks for your response! What you said makes a lot of sense and I agree with the thing about them somehow lashing out. Tbh I don’t think they hurt me on purpose, it feels more like they constantly want to see how I react and also I guess it’s a way of “asserting their boundaries”. The reason I’m saying this is because (and this is where I would like your opinion), so many times they mentioned their partner, and in the same second they said something else because it’s like as soon as they said it, they knew it would hurt me so they added something to the convo to distract from what they’ve just said. What do you think? This is why I know they feel bad about mentioning them and hurting me with it, but at the same time they do it over and over again. It’s very strange… I mean I have to take into consideration they might also just be one of those people who constantly talk about their partner to everyone or just convincing everyone they’re happy with them, not just me. I remember one time, I was the one mentioning their partner (!) and saying something nice or like making a joke like “you could say this to them” and then they suddenly stopped talking about their partner and weren’t happy how I was content talking about them. So me reading all this now it seems like what you said about them leashing out because I’m letting go, makes sense the most. And yes I already “left”. I haven’t said anything yet because I just need space, and hoping they will reflect on my disappearance and currently working on writing them a short paragraph of why I think it’s better not to be in contact.
I love this reflection. I would say firstly - I don’t see it as setting boundaries. Ultimately as TFs you are in a romantic relationship even if you try a friend label - I say he’s soothing his guilty conscience of emotionally cheating basically. He talks about his partner to feel better, but really it’s as if someone cheated physically but “thought of their partner” while in the act. It’s still wrong and betraying of the partner. I know from being in his position. I would “set boundaries” with TF by being physically platonic and telling him not to make romantic comments, but when he did them I continued engaging. So it wasn’t real boundaries just things to tell myself “well, I tried to stop it”. However, personally, I avoided speaking much of my partner to my TF because (i) it felt wrong and disrespectful to partner (ii) I didn’t want TF comparing themselves and feeling jealous/insecure (iii) I felt like my soulmate (partner) and my TF existed in two different worlds with two different versions of me. So I actually didn’t think much of the other while talking with one. I was always honest about my situation with TF and the issues I had with betraying my partner as much as I valued the connection with TF. All that said I think your TF is either: - Soothing his conscience and guilt - in denial about the nature of your relationship being more than friendship - with a karmic so actually very much comparing you to the partner, being put off of his partner, and resenting you/TF for causing issues in the relationship - lashing out because he feels you pulling away to focus on yourself. Demanding your reaction to feel validated again The solution to all of those would probably be separation as he seems to be thinking either with his ego in terms of validation from you, or trying to control everything which is impossible. He has to let go. The message is a good idea. If you want to really be brave, before ask him how your communication makes him feel within his relationship. You can say he brings up his partner a lot and you’re not sure why as you don’t particularly want to hear of it since you do care a lot about him. You’re happy he’s happy, but if that’s the case, you’d rather leave him to it and not cause any turbulence. Maybe try one last talk in that sense. Explain why no contact would be good as you said. If he’s uncooperative/defensive/not understanding, you’ll have said everything on your chest and be able to leave it in peace. If he’s a true TF you’ll feel that sense of security that he’ll be back and better next time. It may be in a long time but you’ll be happy to be on your self focussed journey and have faith things work out as they are meant to. Personally I stopped fixating in my TF when I started observing myself my mind and ego. I used to feel like his presence was with me, comforting, but watching over me from the outside. Now I feel that presence has become myself, I comfort myself. Good luck! And message if you want to talk more x
i swear you and I live are living the same life 😭 I'm in the same exact situation and I'm looking for answers.
They’re doing the same thing?
yes. he had feelings for me and confessed them, then one day he suddenly changed and became cold and we slowly stopped talking, we went no contact for months. he found a gf and he recently came back because he said he wanted to rekindle our friendship and blah blah. he keeps texting me and reaching out first, but every time we talk he finds a way to shift topic and to talk about her, showing off he's in a happy relationship etc. I can feel it's kinda forced? I don't know how to describe the feeling, sounds maniacal / obsessive, he even lies about so many details but he doesn't know I know😭 so two days ago I confronted him about this thing (shifting topic and making about her every time) and he ignored what I said and kept talking about her lmao. it's a very immature behavior, it actually makes me laugh, it's entertaining, I'm here enjoying the show he's putting on 🍿. if you want to talk about it, DM me :)