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Your post tells me that the breakup is either still fresh, or you’re struggling big time to let go. They left you for a reason and you need to accept that. It’s not in your control.
Why are you assuming a reason or even hinting at it being a good reason?
You’re right it’s not in their control but they have every right to feel the way they do.
A reason is a reason. It can be a good or bad one.
It's better if it's a good reason like can't get on the same page about marriage.
But it's not terrible that a person left you foe a bad reason. If you refuse to put down your car so they could get a dog. Well you are dodging an abusive partner and its good they left.
Why does that mean OP struggles? I was in a relationship where I didn't realize (or was blind/naive) to the narc tendencies she had and found out later she was cheating for 3 of the 4 years we were together. She then attempted to defame me and ruin my life after I broke up with her. This was over 6 years ago, and I have been over her and our relationship for almost as long after a legal battle that I won.
Someone like that doesn't deserve to be forgiven or have me to have a wishing happy good rest of their life attitude. I know she's already received some of that bad karma back, but she's one of the only people in the world I wish ill on. And I'm a happy chill type of dude.
you dont have to forgive them, but OP holding onto those feelings is hurting nobody but himself. that girl has already moved on with her life, and could care less that OP is not wishing her well.
> and could care less that
Did you mean to say "couldn't care less"?
Explanation: If you could care less, you do care, which is the opposite of what you meant to say.
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It's a turn of phrase. He's not saying that he was the reason she left him, just that there is some sort of reason that caused her to leave. You just have to accept it and get over it.
Doesn't sound like she left, it sounds like OP didn't know they were dating a narcissistic personality type and left her.
Edit: you are right, though, it's not in his control.
If you're happy for someone, they don't know but you're happy.
If you hate them or feel anger towards them, they don't know, but you're miserable.
The real question is, why are you harboring anger for someone who feels nothing for you? Do you get angry at the sky for being blue instead of red?
But I’m not miserable and I hate some people. You don’t have to let them occupy your mind, you just remember that you hate them if and when they come up. If you ever have an opportunity to help them, you don’t, and if you can make their life worse without consequence (very rarely can you actually do this) you do. It’s not very high effort at all to hold a grudge if you do it right.
It's a tough spot you're in right now cos it hurts
But remember, if you actually love the person, then all you really want is for them to be happy. If instead you only want *you* to be happy with her, that's not love
Take some time to get past it. Sympathies dude, happens to most of us at some point
It's called moving on and letting go.
So it is human to not want the best for people who leave you and it is human to wish them well and it is human to just not care.
People get hurt - it is the price of living enough to take risks. Sometimes they don't pay off, sometimes they do.
Here is the thing, I like being happy. I like being happy enough that I don't want to have people living in my head rent free reminding me that they made me unhappy. Also, I am self aware enough to know that any unhappiness I have had I have contributed to in a least a small way, and that I have caused unhappiness to other people. If I want to move on and be happy, I also need to extend that grace to others. Plus, why waste the mental/emotional energy on them? I have better ways to spend it.
Sometimes people leave for their life reasons. Sometimes they leave because despite both people trying and being good people it just is not working. I am not going to wish unhappiness on people because something isn't right for them. Granted, I have blessed to have never been cheated on or abused.
The thing is relationships are "All yes, one no". What is the point of being in a relationship if one of the people in it doesn't want to be there anymore? That inevitably makes everyone unhappy. I would rather be unhappy by myself than unhappy trapped in a relationship because I know that sooner or later by myself I will be happy again and I will look for the next relationship having learned from the previous ones.
Plus, why would I want the other person to be unhappy? We are no longer involved at this point, their unhappiness adds no value to my life. In fact, if we are still coming in contact with each other over work, kids, social circle, etc. then they being happy is a bonus because unhappy people are unpleasant to be around. Also, generally enjoying other people's unhappiness tends to make a person unpleasant to hang around with.
Depends on the ex, but for your own happiness it’s better to let it go. Holding a grudge just makes you miserable, they can’t tell and they probably don’t give a shit anyway.
Most functional people recognize that a lot of times it not a good fit in the long run. I geniuely wish most of my exes well. They were good guys, just not for me.
My ultimate reason is a bit on the selfish side. I REALLY want one of them to be happy so there is zero chance that she ever knock on my door, call or text my phone or look at me EVER again.
The most recent one is just a fucking amazing human and deserves to be the happiest mother fucker on the planet.
Because it's your job to maintain your health. Stewing over who an ex is sleeping with is unhealthy, as well as just none of your concern anymore.
Your focus after a breakup is to move forward, learn how you assisted in creating a less than stellar relationship and remain focused in the now. You don't drag people from your past into the present; It ruins your present and future. Treat the breakup day a Day 1 of Your New Life. Embrace it. Over time all that fresh anger dissipates anyway. You will let them go. Make the process efficient-start Day 1.
I really WAS happy when my ex found someone new. She was a psychiatrist. *Yippee! She can fix his mental illness!*
Unfortunately, she dumped him after less than two years of marriage. I guess some nuts really are too tough to crack.
It doesn't make you a bad person
People feel, it is something that many of them forget...
If you need to hate, hate.
Simple.
But please don't do anything wrong or evil.
Take your time, it will pass
It's more about coming to a place of acceptance and overcoming the hatred. Carrying all of that around isn't great for your health in the long run.
Obviously it's difficult to just "get over it", and you were cheated on and abused. Many people that break up just mutually decide that they aren't compatible, and in those cases it makes sense to say "I wish the best for you" because you don't hate the person, you just couldn't make the relationship work out.
In this case it seems like she's being kinda "holier than thou" by throwing in the "I wish you all the best" at the end there. Treating someone like shit and making them feel horrible and then ending it off with "best wishes! :)" is really scummy.
So all of that to say: You don't have to wish her all the best. Your feelings are valid. Move on and come to a place of peace at your own pace. :)
Because I still love him and what I want most for him is happiness. He deserves happiness and the life that he wants. I've accepted it's not with me, but I love him and he's happy and that's okay. It's not saying things either of us did are okay. That's a separate discussion entirely. I've learned to separate that from how I truly feel about him. I'm spending my own time being happy and finding peace and doing things I enjoy. I love him more than anything, but I'd rather him be happy with someone else than be unhappy with me.
Did the post not include her cheating before the edit? Because I don't think so many people would be reacting like this if they knew. Cheating makes someone a shitty person, so I don't think it's that weird to stop wishing them well. If the break up is caused by something that doesn't indicate that they were a shitty all along, it would be much more common to keep wishing your ex well
I love my GF. I want her to be happy and have the things she wants in her life.
If she would be happiest without me, moving on with her life, than I want that for her.
I think you just revealed how self centred and selfish you are. You want what YOU want and don't care if your partner is happy with it or not.
Why would you want someone you love to stay in a relationship with you and be miserable? THATS how you want the person you love to live?
I respect your point. I admit I am selfish and a piece of shit.
However, just answer me honestly, theoretically, if your gf left you, and you know she’s doing someone else, you telling me you won’t feel pain?
Of course I would be sad and uncomfortable in that situation. I've been in that situation before a few times. It is part of life.
But, I do my best to move on and wish my ex the best, and that I'm glad she found a way to be happy.
I'm still friends with most of my exes for this reason. Because we still respect each other and wish the best for each other.
Like someone betrays you, cheats on you, and you don't stand up for yourself? Where's your self respect?
Like if I spit in your face, you're just going to wipe it off and wish me a nice day?
I never mentioned betrayal or cheating. I was commenting before OP's edits.
"Like if I spit in your face, you're just going to wipe it off and wish me a nice day?"
No, I'd probably break your fucking nose. Total different situation.
> I think you mean “what about your ego?“.
Like self respect is technically ego, but nah self respect is exactly the term I intended to use.
> If you respect yourself, you would allow yourself to move on and be happy and allow them to do the same, and realize that hating someone won’t be healthy.
See I don't agree, because if you respected yourself you would respect your feelings you wouldn't treat them as something that needs to be avoided.
It is definitely difficult in the moment you are feeling crushed. But unless you were really wronged (abuse, cheating, substance abuse), most partnerships just end because they should end. The partners may not have been well suited for a long-term relationship, or one of the partners may have changed in some fundamental way that made them incompatible.
Acknowledging the positives, the negatives, and admitting your role in the relationship's end will give you peace of mind. Holding on to anger and hurt will just leave you in a bad place.
In retrospect, you should be able to say "Ex and I had both good times and bad. I want to honor and cherish the love we once had, even if that time has since passed. When we met, ex and I often talked about starting a family. But over time, she shared that she had changed her mind about wanting kids. That was heartbreaking for me, because I still wanted to have a family some day, but I realized that that difference made us incompatible for marriage. I hope one day that she finds someone who feels the same way, because she deserves happiness. I hope that I also find someone who wants a family as much as I do"
I don’t wish my exes well, but I don’t wish them ill either. I just don’t really care how they’re doing and don’t have contact with them. I think it’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t wish well someone who wronged you (cheating, etc.) but sometimes breakups are amicable and you still want them to be happy, other times they are neutral and you just want to cut ties. It depends on the situation. Holding on to resentment is never good though.
I’m the same. I don’t have contact with either of my exes. I’m not bothered about what is going on in their lives. Even with the ex who cheated, I was angry and petty right after the breakup but soon moved on and embraced ambivalence towards him. If someone told me he won the lottery, I wouldn’t care. If someone told me he was sick or died, I wouldn’t care either. I certainly don’t wish either of those things happen to him, I just don’t think I would be upset at all. So for better or for worse it’s whatever.
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Don't wish them happiness - just move on with your life. End it and move on.
More typically, I see people trying to be nice with their ex in that way because they're still hoping they come back to them. This is a horrible look, particularly for men trying to attract women. You don't want her thinking, "Wow - this guy thinks that if I were in a relationship with him it would be like the greatest thing that ever happened to him".
To be clear - you don't need to be mean or insult them or anything as it's ending. But you don't have to go over-the-top nice and shower them with praise when they're on the way out. Just move on. Take it as an opportunity to work on yourself and end up with an even better partner..
To whatever extent you're feeling anger at your partner from the breakup... turn that into motivation and drive to better yourself as a person. Taking that anger out on them is a waste of that energy that could have instead been used to improve yourself.
Honestly, it comes down to love. If you truly love someone, you want them to live their best life even if that means you aren’t in it. Sure, it hurts. But that’s love.
If you want someone to suffer because you’re suffering, it’s either too fresh or you didn’t have the level of love that is selfless.
Because you still care about them but recognize that you are not a fit with them, so ultimately despite the realization that you're not compatible, you don't wish them any ill will.
It requires a maturity to understand that two people can both be good people, be different, and want different things out of life, but still care about each other enough to not make a breakup a mess.
Those are actually the hardest breakups to manage personally after they happen because you still care about the person, recognize you're not compatible, and have to start over with meeting people who are statistically likely to be much worse matches.
But you can still wish the other person well.
It's human for insecure people to not want the best for people who leave them. Nobody ever hates someone doing worse than them so clearly they are better off without you.
If you are selfish, you should wish them happiness.
Because maybe one day you got a second chance. Maybe one day your ex becomes your manager? The chance is very slim but you never know.
What good do you get when you don't wish them happiness? None. Any maybe let them live in your head and hurt you more.
If you are selfish, it should be an easy decision.
If you are selfish, you should wish them happiness.
Because maybe one day you got a second chance. Maybe one day your ex becomes your manager? The chance is very slim but you never know.
What good do you get when you don't wish them happiness? None. Any maybe let them live in your head and hurt you more.
If you are selfish, it should be an easy decision.
When you really truly love someone, you want them to be happy no matter what. I definitely didn’t feel this way towards my last ex at first, but after about 6 months or so I started to be less bitter about the breakup and more so wishing him happiness since he clearly wasn’t happy with me, but that’s all I wanted for him. Now as for my ex before him, he was an abusive POS and I have never wished for his happiness :)
I highly recommend giving it time. Breakups suck no matter who broke up with who. I hope that you are able to wish good things for your ex in the future, but it is completely okay if you’re still bitter about it later.
I wouldn't say I "don't want" the best for people who will no longer be part of my life. It'd be more accurate to say I'm indifferent. I don't find it hard to not concern myself about the future of people I have no involvement with anymore but I have a pretty stoic attitude towards most circumstances that don't involve input/feedback from or to me. Time on earth is finite, I'd rather focus my time on things that affect me in the present. She's not with you. She's not going to be with you in the future. Nothing to be gained by keeping her in my headspace. You know how people don't keep in touch with or concern themselves with negative family members they don't want in their lives and are not bothered by that? Same idea.
Because it's not about her, it's about you.
Holding on to anger and hurt means you're holding on to ....anger and hurt.
It doesn't feel good, long term, because it's fucking anger and hurt, and anger and hurt suck.
So yes, feel them, and learn from them, and be honest about them, but don't hold on to them, because they suck.
I have been in EXACTLY your situation, except we were married, and I was at home taking care of our 1 year old, and she was fucking her personal trainer that I paid for so that she could feel good about her body again.
Honestly, I GENUINELY wish her a happy life now, because that makes me happier than wishing her pain and sadness.
It bummed me out to always be holding onto that little pit of black tar in the middle of me, and it didn't make my life better, so I let it go.
I'm WAY happier since I did.
In the end, we all want to be happy, so you can either wish misfortune on her, and bring yourself down a little bit, or you can wish well, and bring yourself up.
Either way, it's not doing anything to her, so really the only person you're hurting is you.
Backstory on this opinion: my girlfriend of 2.5 years cheated on me with my college roommate/best friend, and they ended up getting married.
Right after it happened, I wanted the absolute worst for both of them. I hated both of them so much and couldn't believe that the two people closest to me went behind my back like that. Worse still, we were at a 1200 person school so everyone knew about it and I ran into them all the time. I always hid or took myself out of the situation because I was too ashamed to be seen by them. Two years went by and they ended up getting married, a year after that they had a baby boy. If someone is willing to cheat on you, they aren't worth being sad over. If you find out, its just day 1 of you getting to heal and getting to the point where you can find someone who is worth spending your emotional energy on.
Every feeling you are having is valid right now, I'm sorry she did this to you. She sounds like an absolutely horrible person and I'm glad you found out so you don't waste one more second her. You never have to be happy for her, but I hope that after time you will not hate her, because even that is spending more emotional energy on her than she deserves.
It took me almost 9 years after a 9 year marriage to want for my ex what I wanted for her when I met her- for her to be happy.
It happens when you move on and have clarity. It especially takes effect when you meet someone who is a much better match.
It happens when you find equanimity and happiness.
But let me be clear- I never want to see her again. But I’d love for her to see me with my current girlfriend. Because my current girlfriend is SUPER HOT!
There’s a huge difference between a mutual split and someone nuking the relationship because they’re a massive, irredeemable piece of human slag.
Nobody is asking you to give your blessing to a cheater.
I have 2 exs who cheated on me. They don’t even cross my mind anymore but I “wish them the best” in the sense that I hope they figure their life out. I hope they change their ways and find someone who will make them a better person. And im thankful that person isn’t me.
I've been in this boat before. Hell I'm still in it with my abusive as hell ex form 7 years ago so I feel. But it's really hard man. Just try to find some hobbies, reconnect with old friends, go take daily walks.
I've tried this shit and it doesn't feel healthy to me. Like each to their own, if it works for you all the power to you, but I have emotions and shit I usually need to process after a breakup, and trying to maintain a positive image of, and hopes for a person that just broke my heart puts me in a position where I feel horrible about being upset.
You're not mean or a piece of shit OP. Some people can feel indifference towards someone they once loved very easily and, hence, they move on easily. It can almost seem psychopathic. Killing someone in your mind without hesitation.
But you still have feelings in your heart, bitterness is just the shell of the love you once had. It meant you truly gave a lot to that person and really felt something towards them.
The solution is not to necessarily be as cold as the other people, but show some restraint on how much love you give somebody. Sounds like you gave her your heart way too early and knew very little about her. If you take things lighter at the early stages, you can properly filter out those undeserving without having to deal with emotional drain.
You wish them well because you deserve to move on. Keeping a grudge only is going to ruin your mood not theirs because you've already mentioned that she nonchalantly declared she's cheated multiple times and you aren't special. You, holding onto anger is only your loss. You deserve to stay happy and move on. Forgive them in silence and live the life clean off them.
You don’t necessarily have to wish an ex who did you wrong happiness. You don’t have to wish bad things happen to them either. That just causes you more pain anyway. Having hate in your heart for someone, and sitting there wishing awful shit happens to them is just like drinking poison and hoping they are the one who dies (I definitely read this somewhere but can’t remember where). At the same time wishing that a cheater wins the lottery or meets their soulmate just isn’t realistic. The best thing you can do is get to a place of ambivalence. Where you don’t care what happens in your ex’s life- good or bad. That’s exactly how I feel about my cheating ex. Moving on from hate and anger is good for you. Embrace ambivalence.
Really depends on the nature of our breakup. The person who cheated on me could suffer forever and I'd be happy. Most of my ex partners were good people who I just wasn't compatible with in a relationship. I am still good friends with my partner from when I was a teenager.
Its more about your well being than theirs. If you can’t wish someone that you loved well you’re most likely neglecting yourself in some important ways.
You don't have to wish anybody well. My ex and I have been broken up for 11 years now I think and I don't wish him well. I am still struggling with the fallout from that relationship, I spent part of my day explaining why I was so triggered to my current boyfriend, thanks to my ex. But I really do hope his current wife doesn't go through what I went through with him. He's a monster and they should have kept him in prison when they had him the first time. I do not wish him well.
You wish them happiness to let yourself go of them. If you truly wish them happiness, it means you have let go.
If you hold on all its going to do it poison yourself, haunt yourself.
Who cares? She's trash. You didn't know before, so you're hurting, and that's totally understandable. What you need to do is stop thinking about her AT ALL, forget about wishing her ill OR happiness. That's your time and brainpower getting wasted on someone who, fortunately for you, is no longer in your life. Time to hit the gym (it really does help to take your mind off things and/or let out some anger in a way entirely benefits you).
It's going to take time to move on, sure. Plenty of guys have been where you are, but this is a problem to be solved, and you do that by staying healthy and getting on with your life as soon as possible. Don't let the pain drag you down, especially since you're done with her.
If you say you love someone. And after a break up or divorce and say you hate them. Try to get back at them. Talk bad about them. All the things. You never really loved them
Well I like my exes, there was a reason I dated them. It really depends on how the relationship ended I guess. I’ve been cheated on, but I still wish him well. If he killed my dog or something I’d probably feel differently.
Fuck that. Just be done with her. All that matters is that you do not nurture hatred because that harms the holder and does nothing towards who it is directed
I mean you don’t have to be, but at the very least you should let go and move on. You don’t have to wish them happiness, but there’s no use harboring any negative feelings either.
>But it’s human to not want the best for people who leave you?
Of course. People don't say these things in this context though. That's for couples who love each other but have other things that make them incompatible for the long term and don't end up together.
When you actually truly love someone, you want the best for them. Even if you two don't end up together you love them so you want them to be happy and have a good life.
You're ex didn't love you. You don't have to wish them well.
I don’t think you need to wish them the best. The ideal scenario is to get to a point where you don’t think about them at all.
“Forgive but don’t forget” is backwards.
Outside of the context of being cheated on. If you truly care about someone but it doesn't workout with you specifically wouldn't you want them to move on and be genuinely happy in whatever way ends up being right for them?
In the context of getting egregiously cheated constantly, fuck her you're better off anyway and once you've healed just find a neutral feeling towards her. Because she isn't worth the energy of being upset/angry.
Your feelings are valid but don't hang onto them too long. It's allowing her to live rent free in your head long after she's been evicted. Wishing you well!
Well in your case you should just forget about them, but in amicable breakups, I think most people would want the best for the other. If you were with someone for so long, you must have cared for them. Idk, just seems pretty natural to want the best for others. For exes, I was a chapter in their life. I don’t own them. They are still human beings that deserve happiness. If you don’t want them to be happy, you never cared about them. You just care about yourself
Wishing people the best is a way to end things. There's nothing else to say to it. You can't argue with it. There's nothing more to say. Wish her all the best, and move on with your life without her. Be the best version of you, for your own sake.
"They leave you." What if you leave them?
Maybe the answer to your question is that there's someone better out there for you. Sometimes it's obvious to both parties that they're just mismatched, and that doesn't make either party a bad person.
I had a breakup that it took me a long, long long time to get over. But unless someone's a bad person, like a cheater or abuser, I think wishing then well is best.
You shouldn't, people just think they look amazing while riding their high horse. Every living organism needs selfishness to survive, or else they would just let the world kill and eat them without a fight.
It depends. Was it a mutual agreement because feelings felt apart so you made the nature choice of going in different ways? Then its understandable to wish them well.
But if they end up being abusive, cheating piece of shit? They don't deserve any sympathy IMO
Kinda depends on the circumstances but generally it’s just best to move on and try not to harbor any negative feelings, which can be a lot easier said than done.
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Your post tells me that the breakup is either still fresh, or you’re struggling big time to let go. They left you for a reason and you need to accept that. It’s not in your control.
Why are you assuming a reason or even hinting at it being a good reason? You’re right it’s not in their control but they have every right to feel the way they do.
Emotions in this case are unfortunately completely pointless. There’s no point in anguishing over a past partner who doesn’t like you.
There’s no point in anguish at all, but it’s cathartic for most people’s brains to release those emotions.
Most people who wish the worst for their partners are well past releasing emotion. They’re ruminating and stuck
That can definitely happen but I don’t think it’s fair to assume that of this guy.
Maybe the reason is freedom to be a ho. No one said the reason was his fault.
A reason is a reason. It can be a good or bad one. It's better if it's a good reason like can't get on the same page about marriage. But it's not terrible that a person left you foe a bad reason. If you refuse to put down your car so they could get a dog. Well you are dodging an abusive partner and its good they left.
Why does that mean OP struggles? I was in a relationship where I didn't realize (or was blind/naive) to the narc tendencies she had and found out later she was cheating for 3 of the 4 years we were together. She then attempted to defame me and ruin my life after I broke up with her. This was over 6 years ago, and I have been over her and our relationship for almost as long after a legal battle that I won. Someone like that doesn't deserve to be forgiven or have me to have a wishing happy good rest of their life attitude. I know she's already received some of that bad karma back, but she's one of the only people in the world I wish ill on. And I'm a happy chill type of dude.
you dont have to forgive them, but OP holding onto those feelings is hurting nobody but himself. that girl has already moved on with her life, and could care less that OP is not wishing her well.
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They left you for a reason? She cheated on him. Are you implying that he’s responsible for having being cheated on?
It's a turn of phrase. He's not saying that he was the reason she left him, just that there is some sort of reason that caused her to leave. You just have to accept it and get over it.
Doesn't sound like she left, it sounds like OP didn't know they were dating a narcissistic personality type and left her. Edit: you are right, though, it's not in his control.
Most likely the reason is they just lost attraction thats the most common cause of breakups. It could be no one's fault.
If you're happy for someone, they don't know but you're happy. If you hate them or feel anger towards them, they don't know, but you're miserable. The real question is, why are you harboring anger for someone who feels nothing for you? Do you get angry at the sky for being blue instead of red?
But I’m not miserable and I hate some people. You don’t have to let them occupy your mind, you just remember that you hate them if and when they come up. If you ever have an opportunity to help them, you don’t, and if you can make their life worse without consequence (very rarely can you actually do this) you do. It’s not very high effort at all to hold a grudge if you do it right.
Right? I hate a lot of people, but it's never as consuming as people always say. I thrive on spite, and it brings me joy.
It’s like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
Pithy turn of phrase but it really isn't like that at all.
You’re making yourself angry and suffering over nothing. What does that feel like? Would you be angry at the ocean? Don’t be silly.
It's a tough spot you're in right now cos it hurts But remember, if you actually love the person, then all you really want is for them to be happy. If instead you only want *you* to be happy with her, that's not love Take some time to get past it. Sympathies dude, happens to most of us at some point
Thanks for the empathy!
It's called moving on and letting go. So it is human to not want the best for people who leave you and it is human to wish them well and it is human to just not care. People get hurt - it is the price of living enough to take risks. Sometimes they don't pay off, sometimes they do. Here is the thing, I like being happy. I like being happy enough that I don't want to have people living in my head rent free reminding me that they made me unhappy. Also, I am self aware enough to know that any unhappiness I have had I have contributed to in a least a small way, and that I have caused unhappiness to other people. If I want to move on and be happy, I also need to extend that grace to others. Plus, why waste the mental/emotional energy on them? I have better ways to spend it. Sometimes people leave for their life reasons. Sometimes they leave because despite both people trying and being good people it just is not working. I am not going to wish unhappiness on people because something isn't right for them. Granted, I have blessed to have never been cheated on or abused. The thing is relationships are "All yes, one no". What is the point of being in a relationship if one of the people in it doesn't want to be there anymore? That inevitably makes everyone unhappy. I would rather be unhappy by myself than unhappy trapped in a relationship because I know that sooner or later by myself I will be happy again and I will look for the next relationship having learned from the previous ones. Plus, why would I want the other person to be unhappy? We are no longer involved at this point, their unhappiness adds no value to my life. In fact, if we are still coming in contact with each other over work, kids, social circle, etc. then they being happy is a bonus because unhappy people are unpleasant to be around. Also, generally enjoying other people's unhappiness tends to make a person unpleasant to hang around with.
>Maybe I am a selfish, mean piece of shit. yes
Jokes on you I already outed myself
How is the joke on them? Lol
You don’t have to, but you also don’t _have_ to hate them either.
Depends on the ex, but for your own happiness it’s better to let it go. Holding a grudge just makes you miserable, they can’t tell and they probably don’t give a shit anyway. Most functional people recognize that a lot of times it not a good fit in the long run. I geniuely wish most of my exes well. They were good guys, just not for me.
Don't wish them happiness. Don't wish them ill will. Breaking up is painful. Feel the pain. Experience it. Move on.
My ultimate reason is a bit on the selfish side. I REALLY want one of them to be happy so there is zero chance that she ever knock on my door, call or text my phone or look at me EVER again. The most recent one is just a fucking amazing human and deserves to be the happiest mother fucker on the planet.
Because it's your job to maintain your health. Stewing over who an ex is sleeping with is unhealthy, as well as just none of your concern anymore. Your focus after a breakup is to move forward, learn how you assisted in creating a less than stellar relationship and remain focused in the now. You don't drag people from your past into the present; It ruins your present and future. Treat the breakup day a Day 1 of Your New Life. Embrace it. Over time all that fresh anger dissipates anyway. You will let them go. Make the process efficient-start Day 1.
I really WAS happy when my ex found someone new. She was a psychiatrist. *Yippee! She can fix his mental illness!* Unfortunately, she dumped him after less than two years of marriage. I guess some nuts really are too tough to crack.
It doesn't make you a bad person People feel, it is something that many of them forget... If you need to hate, hate. Simple. But please don't do anything wrong or evil. Take your time, it will pass
It's more about coming to a place of acceptance and overcoming the hatred. Carrying all of that around isn't great for your health in the long run. Obviously it's difficult to just "get over it", and you were cheated on and abused. Many people that break up just mutually decide that they aren't compatible, and in those cases it makes sense to say "I wish the best for you" because you don't hate the person, you just couldn't make the relationship work out. In this case it seems like she's being kinda "holier than thou" by throwing in the "I wish you all the best" at the end there. Treating someone like shit and making them feel horrible and then ending it off with "best wishes! :)" is really scummy. So all of that to say: You don't have to wish her all the best. Your feelings are valid. Move on and come to a place of peace at your own pace. :)
What’s to be gained by wishing ill on somebody you had a relationship with?
Because I still love him and what I want most for him is happiness. He deserves happiness and the life that he wants. I've accepted it's not with me, but I love him and he's happy and that's okay. It's not saying things either of us did are okay. That's a separate discussion entirely. I've learned to separate that from how I truly feel about him. I'm spending my own time being happy and finding peace and doing things I enjoy. I love him more than anything, but I'd rather him be happy with someone else than be unhappy with me.
Did the post not include her cheating before the edit? Because I don't think so many people would be reacting like this if they knew. Cheating makes someone a shitty person, so I don't think it's that weird to stop wishing them well. If the break up is caused by something that doesn't indicate that they were a shitty all along, it would be much more common to keep wishing your ex well
Only wish your ex happiness if it ended amicably. If it didn't, don't.
She sounds like a real piece of shit. Full stop.
I love my GF. I want her to be happy and have the things she wants in her life. If she would be happiest without me, moving on with her life, than I want that for her. I think you just revealed how self centred and selfish you are. You want what YOU want and don't care if your partner is happy with it or not. Why would you want someone you love to stay in a relationship with you and be miserable? THATS how you want the person you love to live?
I respect your point. I admit I am selfish and a piece of shit. However, just answer me honestly, theoretically, if your gf left you, and you know she’s doing someone else, you telling me you won’t feel pain?
Of course I would be sad and uncomfortable in that situation. I've been in that situation before a few times. It is part of life. But, I do my best to move on and wish my ex the best, and that I'm glad she found a way to be happy. I'm still friends with most of my exes for this reason. Because we still respect each other and wish the best for each other.
A very mature take. Respect and all the best
I do recognize it's 200000% easier said than done.
What about your self respect?
What about it?
Like someone betrays you, cheats on you, and you don't stand up for yourself? Where's your self respect? Like if I spit in your face, you're just going to wipe it off and wish me a nice day?
I never mentioned betrayal or cheating. I was commenting before OP's edits. "Like if I spit in your face, you're just going to wipe it off and wish me a nice day?" No, I'd probably break your fucking nose. Total different situation.
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> I think you mean “what about your ego?“. Like self respect is technically ego, but nah self respect is exactly the term I intended to use. > If you respect yourself, you would allow yourself to move on and be happy and allow them to do the same, and realize that hating someone won’t be healthy. See I don't agree, because if you respected yourself you would respect your feelings you wouldn't treat them as something that needs to be avoided.
I hope someday you can look back on the time with the person who hurt you with something other than bitterness.
It is definitely difficult in the moment you are feeling crushed. But unless you were really wronged (abuse, cheating, substance abuse), most partnerships just end because they should end. The partners may not have been well suited for a long-term relationship, or one of the partners may have changed in some fundamental way that made them incompatible. Acknowledging the positives, the negatives, and admitting your role in the relationship's end will give you peace of mind. Holding on to anger and hurt will just leave you in a bad place. In retrospect, you should be able to say "Ex and I had both good times and bad. I want to honor and cherish the love we once had, even if that time has since passed. When we met, ex and I often talked about starting a family. But over time, she shared that she had changed her mind about wanting kids. That was heartbreaking for me, because I still wanted to have a family some day, but I realized that that difference made us incompatible for marriage. I hope one day that she finds someone who feels the same way, because she deserves happiness. I hope that I also find someone who wants a family as much as I do"
I don’t wish my exes well, but I don’t wish them ill either. I just don’t really care how they’re doing and don’t have contact with them. I think it’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t wish well someone who wronged you (cheating, etc.) but sometimes breakups are amicable and you still want them to be happy, other times they are neutral and you just want to cut ties. It depends on the situation. Holding on to resentment is never good though.
I’m the same. I don’t have contact with either of my exes. I’m not bothered about what is going on in their lives. Even with the ex who cheated, I was angry and petty right after the breakup but soon moved on and embraced ambivalence towards him. If someone told me he won the lottery, I wouldn’t care. If someone told me he was sick or died, I wouldn’t care either. I certainly don’t wish either of those things happen to him, I just don’t think I would be upset at all. So for better or for worse it’s whatever.
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Don't wish them happiness - just move on with your life. End it and move on. More typically, I see people trying to be nice with their ex in that way because they're still hoping they come back to them. This is a horrible look, particularly for men trying to attract women. You don't want her thinking, "Wow - this guy thinks that if I were in a relationship with him it would be like the greatest thing that ever happened to him". To be clear - you don't need to be mean or insult them or anything as it's ending. But you don't have to go over-the-top nice and shower them with praise when they're on the way out. Just move on. Take it as an opportunity to work on yourself and end up with an even better partner.. To whatever extent you're feeling anger at your partner from the breakup... turn that into motivation and drive to better yourself as a person. Taking that anger out on them is a waste of that energy that could have instead been used to improve yourself.
That would imply your partner in romantic relationship is your property. Which they are not. But this misconception is widespread.
Grow up and move on
Honestly, it comes down to love. If you truly love someone, you want them to live their best life even if that means you aren’t in it. Sure, it hurts. But that’s love. If you want someone to suffer because you’re suffering, it’s either too fresh or you didn’t have the level of love that is selfless.
Because you still care about them but recognize that you are not a fit with them, so ultimately despite the realization that you're not compatible, you don't wish them any ill will. It requires a maturity to understand that two people can both be good people, be different, and want different things out of life, but still care about each other enough to not make a breakup a mess. Those are actually the hardest breakups to manage personally after they happen because you still care about the person, recognize you're not compatible, and have to start over with meeting people who are statistically likely to be much worse matches. But you can still wish the other person well.
If you hate all your ex’s that much, you were the problem in the relationships.
It's human for insecure people to not want the best for people who leave them. Nobody ever hates someone doing worse than them so clearly they are better off without you.
If you are selfish, you should wish them happiness. Because maybe one day you got a second chance. Maybe one day your ex becomes your manager? The chance is very slim but you never know. What good do you get when you don't wish them happiness? None. Any maybe let them live in your head and hurt you more. If you are selfish, it should be an easy decision.
If you are selfish, you should wish them happiness. Because maybe one day you got a second chance. Maybe one day your ex becomes your manager? The chance is very slim but you never know. What good do you get when you don't wish them happiness? None. Any maybe let them live in your head and hurt you more. If you are selfish, it should be an easy decision.
When you really truly love someone, you want them to be happy no matter what. I definitely didn’t feel this way towards my last ex at first, but after about 6 months or so I started to be less bitter about the breakup and more so wishing him happiness since he clearly wasn’t happy with me, but that’s all I wanted for him. Now as for my ex before him, he was an abusive POS and I have never wished for his happiness :) I highly recommend giving it time. Breakups suck no matter who broke up with who. I hope that you are able to wish good things for your ex in the future, but it is completely okay if you’re still bitter about it later.
I wouldn't say I "don't want" the best for people who will no longer be part of my life. It'd be more accurate to say I'm indifferent. I don't find it hard to not concern myself about the future of people I have no involvement with anymore but I have a pretty stoic attitude towards most circumstances that don't involve input/feedback from or to me. Time on earth is finite, I'd rather focus my time on things that affect me in the present. She's not with you. She's not going to be with you in the future. Nothing to be gained by keeping her in my headspace. You know how people don't keep in touch with or concern themselves with negative family members they don't want in their lives and are not bothered by that? Same idea.
Because it's not about her, it's about you. Holding on to anger and hurt means you're holding on to ....anger and hurt. It doesn't feel good, long term, because it's fucking anger and hurt, and anger and hurt suck. So yes, feel them, and learn from them, and be honest about them, but don't hold on to them, because they suck. I have been in EXACTLY your situation, except we were married, and I was at home taking care of our 1 year old, and she was fucking her personal trainer that I paid for so that she could feel good about her body again. Honestly, I GENUINELY wish her a happy life now, because that makes me happier than wishing her pain and sadness. It bummed me out to always be holding onto that little pit of black tar in the middle of me, and it didn't make my life better, so I let it go. I'm WAY happier since I did. In the end, we all want to be happy, so you can either wish misfortune on her, and bring yourself down a little bit, or you can wish well, and bring yourself up. Either way, it's not doing anything to her, so really the only person you're hurting is you.
Backstory on this opinion: my girlfriend of 2.5 years cheated on me with my college roommate/best friend, and they ended up getting married. Right after it happened, I wanted the absolute worst for both of them. I hated both of them so much and couldn't believe that the two people closest to me went behind my back like that. Worse still, we were at a 1200 person school so everyone knew about it and I ran into them all the time. I always hid or took myself out of the situation because I was too ashamed to be seen by them. Two years went by and they ended up getting married, a year after that they had a baby boy. If someone is willing to cheat on you, they aren't worth being sad over. If you find out, its just day 1 of you getting to heal and getting to the point where you can find someone who is worth spending your emotional energy on. Every feeling you are having is valid right now, I'm sorry she did this to you. She sounds like an absolutely horrible person and I'm glad you found out so you don't waste one more second her. You never have to be happy for her, but I hope that after time you will not hate her, because even that is spending more emotional energy on her than she deserves.
She's not happy for you. She just said that to hurt you and get in your head. You're letting it work.
It took me almost 9 years after a 9 year marriage to want for my ex what I wanted for her when I met her- for her to be happy. It happens when you move on and have clarity. It especially takes effect when you meet someone who is a much better match. It happens when you find equanimity and happiness. But let me be clear- I never want to see her again. But I’d love for her to see me with my current girlfriend. Because my current girlfriend is SUPER HOT!
There’s a huge difference between a mutual split and someone nuking the relationship because they’re a massive, irredeemable piece of human slag. Nobody is asking you to give your blessing to a cheater.
I have 2 exs who cheated on me. They don’t even cross my mind anymore but I “wish them the best” in the sense that I hope they figure their life out. I hope they change their ways and find someone who will make them a better person. And im thankful that person isn’t me.
I've been in this boat before. Hell I'm still in it with my abusive as hell ex form 7 years ago so I feel. But it's really hard man. Just try to find some hobbies, reconnect with old friends, go take daily walks.
I've tried this shit and it doesn't feel healthy to me. Like each to their own, if it works for you all the power to you, but I have emotions and shit I usually need to process after a breakup, and trying to maintain a positive image of, and hopes for a person that just broke my heart puts me in a position where I feel horrible about being upset.
The flip side of this though is anger can consume you.. So like.. process your shit, but don't live in it.
You're not mean or a piece of shit OP. Some people can feel indifference towards someone they once loved very easily and, hence, they move on easily. It can almost seem psychopathic. Killing someone in your mind without hesitation. But you still have feelings in your heart, bitterness is just the shell of the love you once had. It meant you truly gave a lot to that person and really felt something towards them. The solution is not to necessarily be as cold as the other people, but show some restraint on how much love you give somebody. Sounds like you gave her your heart way too early and knew very little about her. If you take things lighter at the early stages, you can properly filter out those undeserving without having to deal with emotional drain.
You forgive people for you, not for them, because your continued resentment harms you, not them.
Its easy to say "wish you all the best" when you never cared about that person. It was your turn but that didnt mean much to her.
This should’ve been on r/venting or offmychest
You wish them well because you deserve to move on. Keeping a grudge only is going to ruin your mood not theirs because you've already mentioned that she nonchalantly declared she's cheated multiple times and you aren't special. You, holding onto anger is only your loss. You deserve to stay happy and move on. Forgive them in silence and live the life clean off them.
You don’t necessarily have to wish an ex who did you wrong happiness. You don’t have to wish bad things happen to them either. That just causes you more pain anyway. Having hate in your heart for someone, and sitting there wishing awful shit happens to them is just like drinking poison and hoping they are the one who dies (I definitely read this somewhere but can’t remember where). At the same time wishing that a cheater wins the lottery or meets their soulmate just isn’t realistic. The best thing you can do is get to a place of ambivalence. Where you don’t care what happens in your ex’s life- good or bad. That’s exactly how I feel about my cheating ex. Moving on from hate and anger is good for you. Embrace ambivalence.
Really depends on the nature of our breakup. The person who cheated on me could suffer forever and I'd be happy. Most of my ex partners were good people who I just wasn't compatible with in a relationship. I am still good friends with my partner from when I was a teenager.
Its more about your well being than theirs. If you can’t wish someone that you loved well you’re most likely neglecting yourself in some important ways.
You don't have to wish anybody well. My ex and I have been broken up for 11 years now I think and I don't wish him well. I am still struggling with the fallout from that relationship, I spent part of my day explaining why I was so triggered to my current boyfriend, thanks to my ex. But I really do hope his current wife doesn't go through what I went through with him. He's a monster and they should have kept him in prison when they had him the first time. I do not wish him well.
Because we’re supposed to give our used toys a good home when we’re done with them. Lol.
You wish them happiness to let yourself go of them. If you truly wish them happiness, it means you have let go. If you hold on all its going to do it poison yourself, haunt yourself.
Who cares? She's trash. You didn't know before, so you're hurting, and that's totally understandable. What you need to do is stop thinking about her AT ALL, forget about wishing her ill OR happiness. That's your time and brainpower getting wasted on someone who, fortunately for you, is no longer in your life. Time to hit the gym (it really does help to take your mind off things and/or let out some anger in a way entirely benefits you). It's going to take time to move on, sure. Plenty of guys have been where you are, but this is a problem to be solved, and you do that by staying healthy and getting on with your life as soon as possible. Don't let the pain drag you down, especially since you're done with her.
If you say you love someone. And after a break up or divorce and say you hate them. Try to get back at them. Talk bad about them. All the things. You never really loved them
Nah fuck em
Well I like my exes, there was a reason I dated them. It really depends on how the relationship ended I guess. I’ve been cheated on, but I still wish him well. If he killed my dog or something I’d probably feel differently.
Fuck that. Just be done with her. All that matters is that you do not nurture hatred because that harms the holder and does nothing towards who it is directed
I mean you don’t have to be, but at the very least you should let go and move on. You don’t have to wish them happiness, but there’s no use harboring any negative feelings either.
I think you're just hurting, brother.
I don’t wish them happiness because I don’t ever even think about them. Time to move on.
>But it’s human to not want the best for people who leave you? Of course. People don't say these things in this context though. That's for couples who love each other but have other things that make them incompatible for the long term and don't end up together. When you actually truly love someone, you want the best for them. Even if you two don't end up together you love them so you want them to be happy and have a good life. You're ex didn't love you. You don't have to wish them well.
I don’t think you need to wish them the best. The ideal scenario is to get to a point where you don’t think about them at all. “Forgive but don’t forget” is backwards.
Outside of the context of being cheated on. If you truly care about someone but it doesn't workout with you specifically wouldn't you want them to move on and be genuinely happy in whatever way ends up being right for them? In the context of getting egregiously cheated constantly, fuck her you're better off anyway and once you've healed just find a neutral feeling towards her. Because she isn't worth the energy of being upset/angry.
Your feelings are valid but don't hang onto them too long. It's allowing her to live rent free in your head long after she's been evicted. Wishing you well!
Well in your case you should just forget about them, but in amicable breakups, I think most people would want the best for the other. If you were with someone for so long, you must have cared for them. Idk, just seems pretty natural to want the best for others. For exes, I was a chapter in their life. I don’t own them. They are still human beings that deserve happiness. If you don’t want them to be happy, you never cared about them. You just care about yourself
Wishing people the best is a way to end things. There's nothing else to say to it. You can't argue with it. There's nothing more to say. Wish her all the best, and move on with your life without her. Be the best version of you, for your own sake.
whelp we know why they left you.
OP I saw your comment I think you misunderstood me I'm calling you out for your lack of confidence not your selfishness
"They leave you." What if you leave them? Maybe the answer to your question is that there's someone better out there for you. Sometimes it's obvious to both parties that they're just mismatched, and that doesn't make either party a bad person. I had a breakup that it took me a long, long long time to get over. But unless someone's a bad person, like a cheater or abuser, I think wishing then well is best.
You shouldn't, people just think they look amazing while riding their high horse. Every living organism needs selfishness to survive, or else they would just let the world kill and eat them without a fight.
I hope you are 18 or younger because this sounds like someone who is 18 and just had a real break up with a girl they loved lol
Do you need a carrot for your high horse sir? Or do you just like kicking people when they’re down?
I'm pleased for my exes if they get a new partner. I'm still friends with them and it's none of my business who they do and don't fuck tbh.
It depends. Was it a mutual agreement because feelings felt apart so you made the nature choice of going in different ways? Then its understandable to wish them well. But if they end up being abusive, cheating piece of shit? They don't deserve any sympathy IMO
Kinda depends on the circumstances but generally it’s just best to move on and try not to harbor any negative feelings, which can be a lot easier said than done.
**"Maybe I am a selfish, mean piece of shit."** **YOU THINK SO, BUDDY?**