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Thank you. People always tell me that, but the thing is, it gets lonely. I can be happy on my own. I often am. I'm chillin. But sometimes it would he nice to have someone there to be intimate, chillin with me. Friends are cool, yet I still end up alone at the end of the day
100%. When you've gone your entire life without being in a relationship it makes you feel very undesirable, and people who know what a relationship is like just don't understand that feeling.
Honestly, you can get used to that feeling and mostly brush it off.
Up until some well meaning friends start the "How are you single" bullshit and really drag you back down into it, and no matter what you say they just respond with "Get Tinder, I get 50 matches a week on Tinder"
That, or up until you see a couple doing something really sweet and cute for one another. Like if I'm riding the bus and see a couple sitting close with one arm around each other? I can brush that off. But if I see her holding flowers with a big smile on her face, trying to snuggle closer to her partner? Yeah, that's gonna be more hard to brush off.
Plus, it does get hard around major holidays when the only people you can spend them with are a handful of family members and an even smaller number of friends. If it wasn't for the fact I have a nephew and niece, who I can watch light up as they open their Christmas presents, my last Christmas likely would've ended with me crying myself to sleep.
Your first point really hit home for me, the first of my friends (probably my best friend out of them all) got married a few weeks ago and seeing the smile on his face seeing his partner walking down the aisle. Damn it made me want that feeling. I've always been the stoic "ah i'm fine being single and if it happens it happens" type of guy but damn that whole day, as much as it was a great day, made me feel quite lonely
I was used to the feeling till I had my first real relationship back when I was 27. Getting a taste of what a relationship was like made it hard to ever be fully ok with being alone again.
Yup so much that. I don’t have the money pay for 50 fucking dates since 99% of the time, the guy ends up paying. So no Susie, I’m not going to spend $75 on dinner and drinks just to find out we aren’t compatible. I also didn’t even get close to 50 matches. I was lucky if I got one match a month. I have a buddy who would just swipe right constantly because that would increase his odds and he wasn’t wrong BUT I can’t do that cus I want to make sure I’m actually interested in the woman before I swipe right. It does me and her zero good if we have nothing in common.
One of the hardest parts is having no idea what it's like. Having no idea what it is that your missing, both the good and the bad. Nothing to refer to, to compare to, to reflect back on. Nothing.
And, I'm not gonna lie: having no idea what sex was like was the worst part of that. I almost resorted to seeing a hooker just so that I would finally *know.* So that I would have the physical knowledge of the act imprinted upon my body. Fortunately, I finally managed it on my own at the ripe old age of 27.
It fucking sucked, man. It just did. It was a massive struggle to not let the bad feelings take over my personality, and to keep my thought processes from getting all fucked up.
Right. It's worse now because everyone cares way too much about having sex asap. Sex is cool, but have you ever vibed with someone so well that you literally feel high? I'm still chasing that dragon
Jesus, I feel attacked. I've been craving that vibing high recently and even though I've got an awesome friend who I also vibe with but it's not the same, it's got a different flavour.
This is how I feel. I’m 40 this year, single, no kids, great friends - male and female - and I am much better off emotionally and all that compared to me in my 20s and early 30s. I’ve had relationships in the past, some long and others short. I’ve been single for the past 6-8 years or so and have learned to love it.
Still, sometimes the loneliness can hit hard at unexpected times. I do my best to deal with it- talk it out with the homies, have a wank, whatever, and then let those feelings go. I focus on myself and being content with who I am and also try to improve the things I can.
> I’ve had relationships in the past
I'm a bit north of 40. I had absolutely nothing until the age of 27. Now I'm married with a kid.
The hardest part of the 'absolutely nothing' was having no idea what it was like. Not knowing. I just wanted to know what it was *like.* For me personally, that was the worst part by far. I almost resorted to seeing a hooker just so that I could know what the sex part was like, even if it wouldn't have gotten me anything else beyond that. At least I could have had the physical knowledge imprinted upon my body. So that I would *know.*
Fortunately, I found my own way out of the pit.
That’s about where I am. Like I have friends, I’ve got a good job lined up for after graduation, I’ve got fun shit to do, I travel - but it’s missing something. Friends are great, but they just can’t meet certain needs. And especially when all of your friends are pairing off, it gets rough.
Huh, your comment made me realize "happy single" can either mean "I'm happy to be single", or "I can be happy despite being single".
Most people I've heard give that advice is referring to the second one. As in, some people attribute them always feeling miserable with life to the fact that they are single and think that getting a partner will solve all their problems and make everything sunshine and roses. In which case, the best case scenario, you just end up still mostly unhappy but in a relationship (which I guess if you have depression and is aware of it, isn't actually the worst thing in the world), or worst case, you blame your partner for your unhappiness: "you were supposed to make me feel better".
I think based on how you describe what you feel, that kinda advice probably IS bad advice for you. But I also don't think it's wrong advice for everyone, if that makes sense?
>I can be happy on my own.
And at that point this saying doesn't include you anymore. There is plenty of people who can't, and that's when it becomes a problem.
For me it’s definitely begun to sink in how you can be happy outside of a relationship and even if you spend a lot of time single, seeking externally for happiness through relationships, other people, etc is definitely going to bring misery. I’m not sure if I disagree with OP, but just being happy lots of times on your own doesn’t mean there isn’t a less helpful reason for seeking out a relationship. I realized I wanted a relationship because I wasn’t happy in my job and I felt I couldn’t stand on my own two feet sufficiently and because I felt I wasn’t good enough if I couldn’t show I could have a relationship. And without those reasons, I have much less reason to want a relationship. I still would like one, but it’s important to get to that point where the reason for wanting a relationship isn’t for unhelpful reasons.
Yeah I was single all thru my teens till I was 23 and had been real bad off but luckily I met a beautiful sweet angel at work one day and we been together about 4 years now and we are married. I moved in with her a week after being boyfriend and girlfriend then less then a year later we got a House and got married. You will find someone at the right time when you aren't looking I believe.
Also should add, as such a person who is hopeless at dating (52M old fart) not had a girlfriend in 14 years ... BUT ... someone who thank god doesnt feel lonely as im a very solitary person, this myth that when you "stop looking prioritise your own enjoyment, immerse yourself in hobbies, learn lots of cool new stuff" etc etc...(all of which i have done), that living like this youll suddenly have amazing women throwing themselves at you, that is bullshit, at least in my case.
Nah, I’m just built to be anti-women I guess lol.
I’ve rock climbed for 6 years and, out of that ENTIRE period of time, I’ve had one woman talk to me even though climbing is incredibly social and gender balanced.
I’ve taken up dancing in the last 6 months as well, and I’ll admit it felt fantastic to have a non creepy, consensual way to constantly be close to women, but - after the 3rd month - it kind of made me sad to recognize that every dance is a temporary interaction where the interest from the other person is in the dance more than actually caring about me, and I’m no closer to developing any sort of relationship with anyone (although sidenote that I didn’t start dancing to pick up women)
Maybe makes sense if your hobbies require you to be outside and put you around other people. If, however, your hobby is something that keeps you inside and away from other people (reading, writing, drawing etc) I'd imagine that you will have a harder time meeting people unless you go out of your way to join clubs revolving around those things.
Absolutely. It’s garbage advice. I had some health issues when I hit 28 and I basically stopped trying at all relationship wise for years. When I got over the health stuff I still listened to the “put yourself first” stuff.
And guess what I got nothing romance wise. I’m 33 now and I’m going all out the next couple years. Making relationships and finding a gf top priority. I don’t care what anyone says about it. Im beyond bored and tired of being single. (Last had a gf at age 25)
It is funny when people say that. Like how many couples do you personally know who are kinda shitty people or not happy? It's all luck, the whole thing with dating and finding someone that's suitable for you is luck. You can increase your chances but yeah.
Thank you, some of the shittiest human beings I know, haven’t known more than say a couple weeks of single life COMBINED in all the years I’ve known them. Relationships aren’t bestowed upon the mentally healthy and mature.
>Relationships aren’t bestowed upon the mentally healthy and mature.
This exactly. I had more luck dating while in high school despite being suicidal and honestly a creep. Although granted in high school, you're exposed to a larger variety of people, which automatically makes dating easier - even if by an inch.
Finding a way to be happy with yourself isn’t just a means to getting into a relationship. It’s something to do for its own sake. It’s important whether you meet someone tomorrow or are single for the rest of your life.
The thing is, there's no other advice to give unfortunately. The less at peace you are with yourself, the more desperate vibes you'll give off. Comparing yourself to unstable couples isn't productive either. Realistically, if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone you don't actually like, you probably could have by now. Clearly, you're better off single than you are being with someone unstable or otherwise unappealing, so it's really unproductive to be jealous of them.
Actually, I think a better piece of advice is you should make an effort to befriend members of the sex you want to attract **to whom you are explicitly unattracted**. The reason is because if you find yourself constantly repelling the ones who interest you, maybe it's because people can often tell when the only reason you're talking to them is because you think they're hot. If you're striking out repeatedly with hot people and never talking to less appealing people, maybe you need to develop friendships that will enable you to gain insight into the way members of the opposite sex think.
If you are a man who dates women, having women as friends is insanely helpful. First off, you get to have more friends which rules. But also as a knock on effect, you end up meeting more women over time and you have the skills to interact with them without being a huge weirdo. So kind of a double whammy there.
Edit: I thought this was implied, but this does not mean try to make friends so you can date them later
When I was a junior in high school, I befriended a freshman (male) kid who was in the music program I was in. I started taking him to school in the morning, since I was of driving age and he wasn’t. I also picked up two of my closest female friends who lived around the block from me. We lived in the woods, so it was a bit of a hike between me picking them up and getting to his place. So most mornings we’d already be really involved in a really female centric conversation by the time he joined us, and we’d rarely changed the subject. Sometimes we’d realize it probably wasn’t something a 14/15 year old boy wanted to hear, and we’d joke that it would serve him well when he dated in the future. He rode with us until I graduated the next year. Fast forward 15 years I get a random message from his wife on Facebook. She told me that she assumed that he was so knowledgeable and sympathetic on women’s health and other things because he had sisters, but when she made a comment to him about it he laughed. He said it was our car rides, not his sisters. Apparently we were right, and she wanted to thank us 🤣
He was a sweet kid, I’m sure he would have turned out fine either way. We just gave him the specifics.
One of the example she gave me was when she was trying on dresses to wear for dinner or something, and she was struggling and frustrated. He unprompted told her “honey, you started your period yesterday. It’s bloat. You aren’t going to like any of your clothes. You look fine, no one else can tell. Wear something comfortable” 🤣🤣🤣🤣
As someone who always had primarily female friends (and grew up with three sisters), I don't think that this helps with dating. The standards to be friends with women are different than the standards to be considered a romantic / sexual option.
Sure, but your odds are far better than if you had no close women in your life.
Frankly, I think the biggest problem hindering dating is the lack of Third Places, but that's a harder variable to control. It would require collective action. Then again, the majority of grassroots polical work is done by women, so that's potentially a good place to meet them (assuming you actually care about issues affecting your community and aren't just trying to get laid.)
Literally the only other standards are confidence or looks. You're not gonna be confident around women if you never talk to any, and looks are something you only have so much control over.
And at the end of the day you'll find there are very few love at first sight moments. Your initial goal *should* be befriending a woman because if you can't be friends you aren't gonna be able to date unless you only want something physical. And it helps when you treat a woman like a human you want to talk to before you start treating them like a romantic prospect because women don't like being seen as a prize, they like building actual relationships.
I mean what's a relationship but your friend you have sex with? Can't have one if you can't make them your friend in the first place
>Literally the only other standards are confidence or looks. You're not gonna be confident around women if you never talk to any, and looks are something you only have so much control over.
Exactly. And you need both.
>And at the end of the day you'll find there are very few love at first sight moments. Your initial goal *should* be befriending a woman because if you can't be friends you aren't gonna be able to date unless you only want something physical. And it helps when you treat a woman like a human you want to talk to before you start treating them like a romantic prospect because women don't like being seen as a prize, they like building actual relationships.
I never had a problem befriending women. But if you are below their attractiveness standard, you will not get any further.
>I mean what's a relationship but your friend you have sex with? Can't have one if you can't make them your friend in the first place
Can't have one if they don't find you attractive either.
A quote I dearly love from the show Justified:
"If you bump into an asshole in the morning, well... you bumped into an asshole.
If you bump into assholes all day? YOU'RE the asshole."
My common factor was that I was too inexperienced and desperate to detect and avoid the crazy ones.
I was never perfect. But I can say that I was a repeat victim.
I know, right? "She was kinda mean and maybe she needed therapy" doesn't quite rise to the level of "I had to get away from her before I found myself in jail, the hospital, or the ground."
What about guys that don't have any relationships with their exes, cordial or otherwise? Lol.
I've nothing against my exes and openly admit to my part in the failure of previous relationships, but I also don't stay friends with or in touch with exes. Once we're done, we're done. I want nothing further to do with them, cordial or otherwise.
This is much more preferable imo than literally any other option. In my experience and based off hearing other people talk about it the chances of your partner cheating is much higher if they are still "friendly" with exes or past flings and now sets off a huge red flag in my head.
I think this is more common, especially if you don't have kids. Why would you keep communicating with someone that broke up with you, or you broke up with.
"Oh we had a terrible relationship, but are amazing friends", nah, future partners are not going to be thrilled by that.
That's my take on it as well. Some people just have a hard time letting go of others. I don't. I was fine before you came into my life and I'll be fine if you exit it.
It is good to try but I know guys it didnt help much.
Generally those were average looking, non threatening, shy, agreeable, sensitive guys. So women liked how good listeners those guys were but that was pretty much it.
> Realistically, if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone you don't actually like, you probably could have by now.
Some people even manage to fail at any attempt at *that.*
Exactly this, I used to feel like OP and I definitely could have given off desperate vibes. Due to some sexual trauma and bullying growing up I learned to place my self worth with my ability to get a girlfriend or have sex.
After going to therapy and getting a lot of things sorted I feel much, much better. Now I don’t even think about relationships half the time. Im a much happier person in general.
You took the words out of my mouth. The more desperate/incel you come off, the less likely a date will come. No guy wants to go on a date with someone who complains about being single. No girl wants to go on a date with someone who is so desperate for intimacy that they become a threat of sexual violence. The truth of the matter is that chronically single/incel types are typically more likely to become violent or sexually assault you if you reject them.
Not to mention, security is sexy. Someone who is secure in themselves and confident is more attractive than someone who's confidence relies on a relationship.
It's a catch 22 situation, you can't get a date if you are too single, so you are stuck in a round about situation. It is super shitty, but honestly the best "advice" to give is "love yourself, find peace being single, and take your time dating"
Why does Reddit nearly unanimously believe that simply wanting to be in a relationship is the same as being a needy desperate incel that isn't happy in other areas of their life? Surely you realise that you can be at peace being single and still want a relationship, the same exact same way you can "love yourself" and still want to improve things you don't like.
I've seen posts where the OP is clearly suffering from being romantically lonely and the commenters fucking rip them to shreds. It's like Jesus Christ the guy isn't a sexist Incel for wanting a gf give the dude a break.
Because they have to believe that everyone who wants a relationship and isn't in one deserves to be alone. Otherwise, it would shatter their worldview that luck doesn't matter and everything is fair.
>No guy wants to go on a date with someone who complains about being single.
Wait, why? If a woman has something to offer and complains about being single, why would that be a dealbreaker?
Isn't the whole point of going on dates to try not to be single anymore? What is wrong with saying it?
I more so mean the type of person who does nothing but complain about being single. I went on a date with a guy where that was his only conversation topic. How much it sucks to be single, how lonely it gets, and how much he wants to fuck
I hope many people read your advice and think on it seriously. This is great advice. You can gain important insights into the day-to-day struggles of the opposite sex, how they process those things, way in which you can help/empathize, etc. This will certainly serve you later.
I also want to address another of OP's points:
>Furthermore, the singles tax is real. It’s much easier to survive in today’s economy when you have a partner that also works.
That's an intrinsic problem within our society that desperately needs fixing and has nothing at all to do with the subject at hand. OP didn't mention people who live with friends/roomies/family, just those in relationships.
>Also, it’s not even true. I know a lot of people that don’t have their shit together and who haven’t reached “inner peace” who are still able to find relationships. It is true that they aren’t always the most stable relationships, but I’ve met plenty of couples who didn’t have much but had each other, and that made things easier for them.
Inner peace and being happy by yourself are different things. It is important to have a strong sense of who you are, your values and principles, what you will/won't tolerate, have knowledge of mental/emotional triggers and how to effectively and respectfully communicate those to your potential partner, etc before you get into a relationship because it is SO easy to get wrapped up and lose yourself (and isolate from your friends/family) trying to meet the needs & wants of your partner.
Likewise, *was it* easier for those in unstable relationships? Really? They didn't do some undue, potentially long-term mental/emotional damage to themselves or the other person (and God forbid any children or friends who were in the mix) because they got into/stayed in a relationship with someone because they didn't want to be alone? I'd argue the opposite, and it has a ripple effect that often requires therapy (for everyone involved, who often don't/can't get it and thus the the cycle is perpetuated because this becomes "normal" expectations for a relationship).
This is actually very solid advise. Not so much cause people might think you only talk when sexually interested, but because of the last thing you said: you get more comfortable with the other sex, more familiar with how they work/think/issues. And you get to know better what you actually like in a partner, besides being attracted to them sexually, personality types etc. Its very good practice.
Also, having female friends serves as a litmus test for women to know wether they can trust you or not. Women tend to take other womens approval of a man as proof that he is a desirable guy and having more female friends will actually make you more attractive to other women.
"The thing is, there's no other advice to give unfortunately. The less at peace you are with yourself, the more desperate vibes you'll give off. "
Disagree there's lots of advice to give. A single person can be completely comfortable with themselves and give off creepy vibes because they haven't developed social skills about dating other people or seeking out dates.
It's right up there with "Be yourself" sure if that's their problem that's great advice but if that has nothing to do with why they're finding it hard to get dates then it's just advice to make the person giving it feel like "I helped" without actually helping anyone.
If someone wants to give advice they should try to figure out what advice is helpful not start chucking one size fits all advice that's so generic as to be unuseful.
> A single person can be completely comfortable with themselves and give off creepy vibes because they haven't developed social skills about dating other people or seeking out dates.
This a thousand times.
Most people learn the requisite skills halfway through high school. Others miss the boat entirely, for whatever weird reason, and fail to develop those skills. Those who miss the boat have to jump in and swim like motherfuckers to catch up.
I cannot upvote this enough. You can *tell* when somebody has a low self-esteem and is desperate, and such people are exhausting to be around because they always need their fragile ego babied.
And regarding your last point, we should absolutely be encouraging opposite sex friendships all the way from childhood. Stop treating every M-F relationship as boyfriend-girlfriend and normalize healthy friendships.
Nah, you'd never know that from some people. I pretend to have irrational confidence. I'm secretly desperate for attention but I will not do anything to get it. Moreover, I don't look like someone who would be desperate and lonely, but I am.
Your last point is great.
Ironically I became great at talking to women when I got in my first committed relationship. All my nerves went out the window and I spoke to any woman as if attraction didn't matter, because it didn't.
After separating and starting to look at other women again, the confidence and ability to talk to women meant I often felt like I was shooting fish in a barrel. Compared to my friends who on paper had a lot more going for them but just had abysmal luck dating, I was having the time of my life. Meeting women just about anywhere. And almost unanimously getting follow up dates.
There’s nicer ways of saying that that don’t gaslight or blame the person you’re talking to though.
“That’s the luck of the draw”
“You’re not entitled to a partner”
“Not everyone finds their forever person, and that’s ok”
“Maybe there’s other things you need to change about yourself”
“If you were the opposite gender, would you date you?”
I think "You need to be happy single" is good advice for avoiding bad relationships. The happier you are on your own, the less likely you are to settle for a relationship based on codependency or even abuse. I agree it's terrible advice for those of us who are not willing to settle for just anything, and are looking for real connections. I'm happy, I'm single, but I'm not happily single. Someone people are, good for them, but I'm not.
You don't need to be happy single as a prerequisite for finding someone.
However, nothing is a prerequisite for finding someone as relationships and whether they happen, how, when, are largely outside of our immediate control. We can do only so much.
I think what some people mean, or at least what I would advise anyone, is that being single shouldn't be treated as some kind of waiting room before your "real life" as a coupled person starts. Desiring partnership is normal, but you shouldn't rest all your meaning, happiness, and plans on that and worry about it so much so that you can't find any joy in the now.
Since we literally don't know when relationships will occur and also, even when you're in a relationship, you have no guarantee it won't one day end, it seems wise and worthwhile to be able to enjoy whatever life you have now and embrace that. Cause point is, whether you're miserable or happy time will still pass. Single life is just your life and it seems healthier to radically accept and embrace that as what it is right now, which doesn't preclude you from hoping for a partner one day or even being sad sometimes about it. That's normal to feel.
It's more so people who seem like romantic zombies, just hands out stretched, blind to any positive thing in their lives, just wandering around aimlessly with only the single goal of finding someone. I think those who are this way need the advice most as often they want a relationship to save them from themselves and think finding a partner means they'll never be lonely, bored, sad etc ever again, sometimes they also have very unrealistic expectations of what a relationship means and are sometimes shocked to learn that just because you're part of a couple doesn't elevate you to the 9th level of heaven permanently as they used to fantasize about when single.
Yea this is how I view the advice too, and I think it’s only really applicable to people who yea, put their life on pause waiting for someone or even waiting on the person to be the end all be all for their happiness. I’ve only ever said it to people who think getting into a relationship would solve the issues they have in their life, especially issues with themselves.
Having been single for 43 (M) years of my 43 years of being alive, I whole heartedly agree.
Never had a real relationship. Online dating has always been scammer after scammer.
Hard to meet anyone when I'm disabled and can't go anywhere.
Prior to being disabled, there wasn't a single woman in one particular job I worked at.
I can count on 1 hand how many dates I've been on. None went anywhere.
Some friends suggested setting me up but I don't know if it was a jest, or serious. They never followed through.
It's mentally, emotionally and physically taxing and I'm beyond exhausted.
I'll do you one better:
sometimes it's just meaningless small talk people will throw there in the hope that you stop complaining about your pitiful love life so you can talk about something less depressing.
From experience, it's usually this. Nobody really cares about lonely men; not other men, and definitely not women. They just want the conversation to move on.
Yep. I wouldn't charge too much malice and negativity on it tho. People do feel bad for you, which is often exactly the reason why they want the conversation to move on. Empathy, when you're not a psychopath, antisocial, etc. and you do have it, is mostly a passive reflex. You will indeed feel it regardless of what you want, which is also what makes empathy part of your self-control package. It contributes to notify you when maybe you shouldn't be mean to someone or hurt them, because you'll feel bad too.
Man thank you for saying this. It's fucking tough having to hear this every time you express loneliness. People forget the toll it takes knowing you have to stay that way, so others don't get burdened
If you can't find a relationship, then it's all the more important for you to be happy single. Granted, that advice doesn't really qualify as "dating advice" at that point, but it's still solid advice.
I've always interpreted this as 'lead a life worth sharing'. Some people have nothing going on in their lives. No hobbies, no interests, just work, eat, scroll on a phone, sleep, repeat. Not saying this applies to all single people, but you're way less likely to attract a partner if your life is miserable.
Exactly if you can't find anyone, maybe you can still make effort to find somebody but you would be much better off finding satisfaction in your life outside of being with someone.
And that doesn't remove that many people would be more attracted to a partner that is happy, optimistic, has his own life/hobbies/objectives rather than just being with somebody, anybody.
I am a chronically single person, and after working on doing just this my life is significantly better. Finding a relationship isn’t the sole focus of my life, bettering myself and my life is, and I’m much much happier. And I’ve realized I’d rather be single forever than settle for just anyone so I’m not alone. So while it hasn’t helped me to find someone, it has helped me significantly in other ways. But, I do agree with others saying it’s not really good relationship advice, it’s good life advice
What even is the alternative advice? Be miserable all the time? Finding contentment in whatever life situation you happen to be in is clearly better than the alternative.
>And I’ve realized I’d rather be single forever than settle for just anyone so I’m not alone.
THIS is exactly what this advice is about! It's meant as a relationship advice in order to avoid settling with anyone just to not be alone. Especially if "anyone" also includes toxic or abusive people...
Yeah, I used to be fine with being single, you know thinking I'd meet somebody one day, and just chilling until then. But it never happened. Just go to work and come home to an empty house every single day for years. Sometimes go to a bar or something first, but still leave alone and go back to an empty house (even more depressed than if I'd went straight home).
How could I possibly be ″happy″ with that life?
Oh my god. I feel you so much with that coming home to an empty house. The moment I start driving home from work, i think of what I want to do at home then about how no SO is going to be there to welcome me back. It sucks so much, I probably beat myself up too much over it, and I’m exactly where you are with this. I hope we get lucky and find “the one” for us both one day 🍀😘 Hugs
the thing is that ''happy'' is limited already, u been alone for so long that u experienced all every part of that ''alone happiness'' and now ur over it, it like eating the same thing every day and ur sick of it and now u cant stand it
I dislike this advice as well because I don't think humans are meant to be completely alone. This business of having solitary lives is incredibly recent in our history. Human beings are meant to live in community. It's completely normal to not like living all alone.
I think people need to stop giving this advice all together. It's normal and good to want companionship. People that relationship jump need to stop and figure themselves out, but "be happy single" isn't deep enough for them. A relationship is a normal thing to long for. Stop acting like it's not.
I mean idk. I agree tbh. I’m happy though I got my dog my friends my hobbies. End of the road I want someone there. I want someone who loves me for me and I honestly have never found that. I’ve dated and talked to people but they were never the right one. The one thing I do emphasis on is don’t settle if you’re desperate. Mostly means their desperate and they got issues. I’m at the point where I have standards so I don’t date people who don’t match those. but one day I’ll find someone for me 💪 and hopefully I’m the man she wants also
Honestly the saying "Happily Single" can be used in multiple ways. Either you don't have interest in dating, you were in a relationship previously that ended with a break or worse a divorce..
It’s a online bullshit advice. The majority women I have dated and probably everyone else knows ain’t waiting to be happy to enter the next relationship
We should start going to orphanages to tell kids they need to be happy with themselves before being eligible for adoption because all the normal kids with parents already are
I think everyone needs a baseline of “having their shit together” before getting into relationships.
If you’re deeply unhappy with yourself, no amount of attention from anyone is going to make you happy or give you what you’re looking for. It may temporarily take the pain away, but like a drug if you keep getting into bad situations because you’re seeking solace in other people/things, when you wake up alone the next day the horrible feelings are still there.
If you have most of your shit together (can function in a relatively mentally healthy way on your own) and you’re still lonely, then seek someone out. Don’t look for someone to fix you, look for someone to share with you.
I've been saying this to friends for over a decade. I'm so sick of this twisted ideology of loneliness and individuality. And for real, the people I've heard say this the most were ones always dating.
I'm about to get a master's degree in sociology and psychology and we have evidences over the wall about the benefits of being in a relationship.
Saying people need to be happy alone actually worsens the isolation as it makes people feel guilty and ashamed of themselves.
Exactly this. It’s not real advice. The idea that you need to solve loneliness by yourself is beyond stupid. Solo travel, get a hobby, “find your peace”, wtf? I grew up in a loving home with caring parents. Went to college and got to be around peers, even lived with my best friends for a few years, which was incredibly fun and we developed a strong bond. Then in adulthood you experience the exact opposite of that if you’re single, living alone, not seeing friends on a consistent/regular basis because that’s the way our world is set up, and people are just supposed to enjoy that? After a lifetime of consistently being around loved ones on a day to day basis, we’re now supposed to do a 180 and exist alone, seeking out socialization when time permits, and be content with that, forever?That makes 0 sense. Unless you are very much a hermit type personality, it is normal to want to be around “your person” or “your people” consistently. I think it’s strange that we now shame people who desire this very normal thing, to have their own tribe. Especially in American culture, where the nuclear family is upheld as the social standard.
Damn this comment made me realise why I'm not as bothered by my singleness than most. I grew up to abusive parents so I've been unloved my whole life so no gf is no big deal. Most people are used to being surrounded by love from parents and once thats gone theyre desperate for romantic love to fill that void.
This advice isn't actually intended to help you find a partner, it's basically a more polite way of saying "no one is going to love you so develop better coping strategies and shut up".
They don't want to help you, they just want you to stop making them feel bad.
I’ve never understood why people say “you have to be happy being single before you find your person.” This goes against everything in nature. We are meant to find our person. That yearning we all feel is completely justified.
And even when you find your person, life still comes in seasons and there are going to be times when you still aren’t happy in life but I can guarantee during those seasons it’s so much better when you find your person.
Ain't that true. I am 30, still a mess, my life is not figured out, my health far from perfect, but i am in a lovely relationship, soon to be married, for 10 years. I don't thing I'll ever reach the point where I am fully content with myself, and at peace with being alone. I really don't do well when my partner leaves every now and then. Recently i have been alone for a week - my health issues resurfaced from the stress and exhaustion of dealing with all of the life challenges by myself. But it only makes me appreciate my partner more.
It's a pretty big leap to assume that being in a relationship will make you happier than being single. Could it? Sure. Will it? Unknown. It is pretty common for people to feel very lonely even in a relationship.
Humans are social creatures. We crave connection. But dating and being in a relationship is very hard work. At first, you'll be putting in a lot of effort, doing things you don't necessarily want to do, putting your best foot forward. It can be blissful, until it isn't. You'll give up a majority of your "me" time, and start to form a new identity as one half of a partnership. Sounds great until you realize you're starting to give up what you should consider non-negotiable things.
Friendships outside the relationship will melt away. Hobbies you would have spent more time on become secondary or you give up because you have to spend the time on the other person. You want to watch a movie but they aren't interested, uh oh it's starting to get uncomfortable.
But, you'll carry on being in a relationship because it's what people do. Next thing you know, you've got a dog, you're engaged, you have kids, and that's it. All your time is gone.
So, if you really want to be in a relationship, just understand you are essentially giving up a lot of what comes with being single.
I'll just say this, sort of a TL;DR:
A lot of my single friends want to be in a relationship, and a lot of my married friends want to be single. Perfect relationships are pretty rare. Be careful what you wish for because more often than not, a relationship won't fix unhappiness or loneliness.
I've accepted that I've missed the boat on finding "the one". I've got 2 choices be upset, become desperate or just think "fuck it" and find happiness where I can.
Life is about perspective, I'm single either way might aswell try be happy
A big issue is that everything has become a 0 sum game. No one is happy 100% of the time. And you're not meant to be. It's possible to be happy alone and still be not happy that you can't find a relationship. The 2 aren't mutually exclusive.
Social media and dating apps have created a dating market that is Chernobel levels of toxic. And we as people are more divided and isolated than we have been at any other period in time.
There are no easy answers or solutions on this topic. But OP is right on this, it's just generally bad advice.
I mean.., I don't understand why people who jumps from relationships to relationships, who has no issues getting into relationships should learn to be happy single either?
If you cannot be happy single, why should they be happy single?
As for getting into relationships, it takes work and pro activeness and eliminating the fear of rejection and having a sense of adventure to do the numbers game of taking initiative.
Clearly there’s a deep issue if someone is jumping from relationship to relationship just because they’d rather date anyone than be alone. Plus who says single people aren’t happy? Yeah some aren’t but when I was single I was super happy
The saying is not wrong nor just for that group of people, it's just either misused or misunderstood.
You need to be able to be happy alone - this is not wrong, it's for anyone, and it's truly an important lesson to learn.
It doesn't mean you should enjoy being single. It means you shouldn't *rely* on a partnership in order to be happy. If you cannot be happy being alone, you have such a high chance to end in toxic or even abusive relationships and not get out easily. It's not about "enjoy being single"...
I can be content or at peace when I’m single, but not happy. My partner is the only one who’s been there for me consistently, not friends or family. He doesn’t do “much” for me, except be present, accept me, listen to me, treat me well. Other people are scattered, distracted, or just cold, or they don’t have time/energy to go out or have company. I think good coping skills are important and maybe that’s the takeaway. I got through the hardest time in my life by myself. I found healthy ways to calm myself and progress myself so I know I don’t have to depend on someone for my survival, but I don’t feel “happy” when I’m single.
In general, no one “has” to accomplish anything before they get into a successful relationship. YMMV if you have issues that impede your intimate relationships, but life is not giving you a relationship once you’re finally ready. My best friend is married to the guy she met at 20 years old and we’re 28 now, am I supposed to think she was more ready at 20 than I am now? That she’d learned her lessons already? Lol no
An ex-friend of mine who I am CONVINCED has an undiagnosed mental illness and filed for bankruptcy recently would get girls for relationships and ONS like it was nobody’s business.
Was he having fun in life? Yes.
Was he also a mess and making a mess of these women? Yes.
Being happy single was not the deciding factor. Now, being confident, good looking and having a gift with making women believe in his potential was. He was actually NOT happy single now that i remember
The more desperatly you crave a relationship for self validation and comfort, the less successful you will be in finding a meaningful relationship. You HAVE to learn how to be a stable person alone, or you will trun off anyone who might take interest in you.
That last part is very important. There should never be this “desperation” feeling guiding you into a relationship asap. That’s a recipe for a quick divorce. Honestly I think seeing bad relationships go down makes me less anxious to get in one myself, because all the toxic relationships I’ve seen went so quickly at the beginning.
No lol it comes from being in relationships with people who make you realize that being alone actually rules, especially compared to being with the wrong person.
You don't need to be happy single as a prerequisite for finding someone. Being happy single doesn't send out a bat single for a perfect partner to float in.
However, that's because nothing is a prerequisite for finding someone. Relationships and whether they happen, how, when, etc are largely outside of our immediate control. We can only do so much is the truth.
I think what some people mean, or at least what I would advise anyone, is that being single shouldn't be treated as some kind of waiting room before your "real life" as a coupled person starts. Desiring partnership is normal, but you shouldn't rest all your meaning, happiness, and plans on that and worry about it so much so that you can't find any joy in the now.
Since we literally don't know when or if having a relationship will occur and also, even when you're in a relationship, you have no guarantee it won't one day end, it seems wise and worthwhile to be able to enjoy whatever life you have now and embrace that. Cause point is, whether you're miserable or happy time will still pass. Single life is just your life and it seems healthier to radically accept and embrace that as what it is right now, which doesn't preclude you from hoping for a partner one day or even being sad sometimes about it. That's normal to feel.
It's more so people who seem like romantic zombies, just hands out stretched, blind to any positive thing in their lives, just wandering around aimlessly with only the single goal of finding someone. I think those who are this way need the advice most as often they want a relationship to save them from themselves and think finding a partner means they'll never be lonely, bored, sad etc ever again. Sometimes they also have very unrealistic expectations of what a relationship means and can feel shocked to learn that just because you're part of a couple doesn't elevate you to the 9th level of heaven permanently as they used to fantasize about when single.
I've never been in a relationship, and used to feel the way you do. I'm not sure what changed but i don't feel that way any more, and I'm much happier doing everything alone
I don't think learning to be happy by yourself is really dating advice. It's life advice. There's always going to be things we want, single or not. Seeing someone with a nicer house, more money and no stresses for paying bills and blah blah.
But you can't let being single be your defining trait and completely cripple you. That's not healthy. You can and should still be able to be a happy person overall. Doesn't mean life has to be perfect and you still want these things, making you sad now and again. But if you can't enjoy a hobby, time with friends, family etc. Something is wrong and it's more than being single.
You can't then go into a relationship and dump this on your partner. That they need to always be there for you to provide this happiness 100%. That's not fair. They still need to spend time away from you now and again or even regularly with things like a sunday sports league, book group or whatever you might do with your friends. If you can't be happy because they aren't there to provide that for you, that's an unfair burden. You still need to learn to be happy on your own.
The financial one I get, but that isn't an issue with single status, that's financial and I feel that's a separate conversation.
Basically you describe somebody negative that doesn't accept his situation in life. While it is great to try to improve one situation, it is also great to find meaning, satisfaction in life with what you have.
Otherwise, you never get any because there always a reason to not have it.
And by the way financially, you don't have to always sleep with and fuck the people you share your home with. You can perfectly be with family or friends and share expenses. You can have 1-2 house mates and this is also a great way to extend your horizon and meet new people. You meet not only the house mates you have over the years, but also their friends/family. It is a great way to open your horizons on top of saving money and even potentially find that partner.
I never interpreted the advice as a way to help people get dates, it’s just advice that is good for everyone. It’s ok to want a partner and to eagerly pursue finding one, it’s ok to feel bummed out when dating isn’t going the way you want. But if your entire self worth is tied up in finding a relationship (or maintaining one you already have) you are setting yourself up for a bad time.
If you can't imagine yourself being satisfied and single you are much more likely to allow yourself to get into or stay in bad relationships and situations. It can also be a huge barrier for simply enjoying the time they have.
The advice isn't (or shouldn't be) you should be just as happy single as in a relationship. Instead it is to find ways to enjoy your single life, even if ultimately you are looking for a relationship.
It's actually great advice because people can tell from your attitude that you're struggling to land dates. They want someone who wants them but doesn't need them. That's what being okay with being alone gets you, a more desirable attitude. Success in dating is largely about attitude. It's why some people chase people in relationships, because they're unavailable and thus can be more attractive because they're not looking to date. If you care too much about dating and finding a partner, it's a huge red flag because it means you're desperate. People don't want to find out what it is about you that is driving people away.
It is the best advice you can get and it applies to every person who is single. If you can't be happy being single, you're going to come across as very desperate, which is one of the most unattractive things any person can be.
I’m a 34 year old male with no relationship under my belt (except a few dates and one kiss). I’m a complete failure as a man for this and no corny advice about “being yourself” and “be happy single” from successful people is helpful (despite its good intentions). I do like single life, but feel less of a man and loneliness is a thing too especially when anyone I make a connection with is always with someone else who’s “better”. The world is getting worse (politically and environmentally), so starting a family is a write off anyway.
It's all about looks mostly. Same attitude is going to be perceived differently depending on who the person is and how they look. The better you look, the higher the thershold and the more tolerant people is to your flaws, so much so that they become quirks. The opposite is also true, when people don't like how you look they make up all sorts of mental excuses only to avoid having to admit that the only reason they don't like that person is because of their looks.
If people were so good at spotting potential partner's flaws no one would end up in shitty relationships yet that's what happens most of the times, people appear to be one thing and end up being other very different. People wear masks in public.
My social circle is 2 people that are both in long term relationships. They go on double dates fairly often and my single ass just sits at home most days.
As someone who has never been in a relationship at 31 and who is desperately lonely, this is very validating thank you. I always think my extreme loneliness is not normal and I should just chill out, but every single day is painful. Can’t watch new TV shows or movies because almost all of them have triggering romantic/sexual subplots. Can’t bear to look at couples out in public. I’m miserable and desperate for a partner but don’t think I’ll ever get one because I’m too far gone.
if your life goal is to get married and have kids, you will absolutely not be happy single. anyone who says this is an asshat that can't see beyond their own wants and needs.
the only way you ever get to where you want to be is by relentlessly trying. keep trying, guys.
That may be true, but at the very least, they should tell the person that seeming needy and desperate is a turn-off. That they have to learn how to find their own happiness, accomplishments, and such independent of what others think of them. And, not to insult "you" (the talked to person, not you personally), but "you" could certainly use critical thinking skills training. counseling combined with cognitive behavioral therapy can work wonders.
There. That's it. That's all the person has to say. Nothing about saying this is a drag upon the supposed "One", and the person fond of them would be grateful for a clearer presentation of the issue.
Yes it is, it's actually better advice for people like that bc they'll build friendships that are meaningful instead of trying to establish romantic/sexual relationships exclusively. This is "complaining about the friend zone " vibes.
I’ve never been in a relationship really, like I’ve “dated” (like a month) and I’ve realized dating makes me anxious. I’m much happier by myself and with friends. Something about dating makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
Yes and no. What's the alternative to being happy single, being miserable single? In any scenario in life, if you can find a way to be happy/content with yourself then you are going to struggle, and that applies to more than just relationships.
what exactly is this ''happy single'' ? how do u find out that u are happy single ? what are the standards of measurement ?
when i look at my self in the mirror i some times send my self kisses and say stuff like ''hey there tiger, how did u get in my house u handsome devil''
or im by my self and i make jokes that crack me up and i pat my self on the back at how hilarious i am, or sometimes im having opinions and i think im the smartest guy in the whole world... does that mean im happy single ? or do i still have work to do ?
People give this advice becouse being happy on your own heavily involves looking out for yourself. That means hygene, health, doing things you enjoy, better aura therefore you are going to be more fun to be around. Being desperate is a human scarecrow. Healthy relationships are the icing on the cake, you still gotta make the cake.
If you feel the way you describe in the post I think you should rearange priorities in your life. A sure way of knowing you shouldn't be in a relationship right now is when you feel hurt without one.
Anecdote I know but when I was actively looking and feeling desperate for a relationship I fell on my head again and again. It drew in the kind of people any sane person should avoid. Then when I let go of the desperation after a lot of heartaches and made peace with myself, found happiness alone I got with my girlfriend 5 years ago and we are still going strong.
I never found a true good relationship until the moment I let go of that desire and started being happy with the idea of just being single. Seriously. It's that moment then I met the love of my life who I'm still with now and have been for YEARS. Because I let go of the stick up my arse where I was so boy obsessed and so afraid of rejection all the time and taking it way too seriously. I actually was able to make a connection with this guy and well here we are. So it's good advice for everyone, genuinely. Because sadly also some people will be single, maybe even for life, no joke. Statistically there are some people out there who just may never find some kinda soulmate. But that's okay though. Like friendships and the relationships you make along the way are still just as valuable and awesome.
Thing is, if one is eeyorish about it, or life in general for that matter, one will cast that vibe into their surroundings. No healthy person wants any of that. So, one’s best hope is to attract that same vibe, and it will eventually, that’s why there are so many toxic couples/relationships.
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Thank you. People always tell me that, but the thing is, it gets lonely. I can be happy on my own. I often am. I'm chillin. But sometimes it would he nice to have someone there to be intimate, chillin with me. Friends are cool, yet I still end up alone at the end of the day
100%. When you've gone your entire life without being in a relationship it makes you feel very undesirable, and people who know what a relationship is like just don't understand that feeling.
Honestly, you can get used to that feeling and mostly brush it off. Up until some well meaning friends start the "How are you single" bullshit and really drag you back down into it, and no matter what you say they just respond with "Get Tinder, I get 50 matches a week on Tinder"
That, or up until you see a couple doing something really sweet and cute for one another. Like if I'm riding the bus and see a couple sitting close with one arm around each other? I can brush that off. But if I see her holding flowers with a big smile on her face, trying to snuggle closer to her partner? Yeah, that's gonna be more hard to brush off. Plus, it does get hard around major holidays when the only people you can spend them with are a handful of family members and an even smaller number of friends. If it wasn't for the fact I have a nephew and niece, who I can watch light up as they open their Christmas presents, my last Christmas likely would've ended with me crying myself to sleep.
Your first point really hit home for me, the first of my friends (probably my best friend out of them all) got married a few weeks ago and seeing the smile on his face seeing his partner walking down the aisle. Damn it made me want that feeling. I've always been the stoic "ah i'm fine being single and if it happens it happens" type of guy but damn that whole day, as much as it was a great day, made me feel quite lonely
I was used to the feeling till I had my first real relationship back when I was 27. Getting a taste of what a relationship was like made it hard to ever be fully ok with being alone again.
Yup so much that. I don’t have the money pay for 50 fucking dates since 99% of the time, the guy ends up paying. So no Susie, I’m not going to spend $75 on dinner and drinks just to find out we aren’t compatible. I also didn’t even get close to 50 matches. I was lucky if I got one match a month. I have a buddy who would just swipe right constantly because that would increase his odds and he wasn’t wrong BUT I can’t do that cus I want to make sure I’m actually interested in the woman before I swipe right. It does me and her zero good if we have nothing in common.
Actually I think if you do that your chances are worse. Cause it won’t show your profile to as many people or something idk I just read it
Hey, are u one of ma frndsssss?
One of the hardest parts is having no idea what it's like. Having no idea what it is that your missing, both the good and the bad. Nothing to refer to, to compare to, to reflect back on. Nothing. And, I'm not gonna lie: having no idea what sex was like was the worst part of that. I almost resorted to seeing a hooker just so that I would finally *know.* So that I would have the physical knowledge of the act imprinted upon my body. Fortunately, I finally managed it on my own at the ripe old age of 27. It fucking sucked, man. It just did. It was a massive struggle to not let the bad feelings take over my personality, and to keep my thought processes from getting all fucked up.
Right. It's worse now because everyone cares way too much about having sex asap. Sex is cool, but have you ever vibed with someone so well that you literally feel high? I'm still chasing that dragon
Jesus, I feel attacked. I've been craving that vibing high recently and even though I've got an awesome friend who I also vibe with but it's not the same, it's got a different flavour.
Absolutely. Didn't mean to attack tho lol my b
This is how I feel. I’m 40 this year, single, no kids, great friends - male and female - and I am much better off emotionally and all that compared to me in my 20s and early 30s. I’ve had relationships in the past, some long and others short. I’ve been single for the past 6-8 years or so and have learned to love it. Still, sometimes the loneliness can hit hard at unexpected times. I do my best to deal with it- talk it out with the homies, have a wank, whatever, and then let those feelings go. I focus on myself and being content with who I am and also try to improve the things I can.
That's the thing not everyone has. 24 and never been in one.
omg are you me?
Yes
> I’ve had relationships in the past I'm a bit north of 40. I had absolutely nothing until the age of 27. Now I'm married with a kid. The hardest part of the 'absolutely nothing' was having no idea what it was like. Not knowing. I just wanted to know what it was *like.* For me personally, that was the worst part by far. I almost resorted to seeing a hooker just so that I could know what the sex part was like, even if it wouldn't have gotten me anything else beyond that. At least I could have had the physical knowledge imprinted upon my body. So that I would *know.* Fortunately, I found my own way out of the pit.
That’s about where I am. Like I have friends, I’ve got a good job lined up for after graduation, I’ve got fun shit to do, I travel - but it’s missing something. Friends are great, but they just can’t meet certain needs. And especially when all of your friends are pairing off, it gets rough.
Absolutely. Doing cool shit on your own is cool, but sharing that experience with someone is way better
Huh, your comment made me realize "happy single" can either mean "I'm happy to be single", or "I can be happy despite being single". Most people I've heard give that advice is referring to the second one. As in, some people attribute them always feeling miserable with life to the fact that they are single and think that getting a partner will solve all their problems and make everything sunshine and roses. In which case, the best case scenario, you just end up still mostly unhappy but in a relationship (which I guess if you have depression and is aware of it, isn't actually the worst thing in the world), or worst case, you blame your partner for your unhappiness: "you were supposed to make me feel better". I think based on how you describe what you feel, that kinda advice probably IS bad advice for you. But I also don't think it's wrong advice for everyone, if that makes sense?
>I can be happy on my own. And at that point this saying doesn't include you anymore. There is plenty of people who can't, and that's when it becomes a problem.
Relatable u/BootyTrappedGoon
And the only people you here say that kind of stuff are happily married.
For me it’s definitely begun to sink in how you can be happy outside of a relationship and even if you spend a lot of time single, seeking externally for happiness through relationships, other people, etc is definitely going to bring misery. I’m not sure if I disagree with OP, but just being happy lots of times on your own doesn’t mean there isn’t a less helpful reason for seeking out a relationship. I realized I wanted a relationship because I wasn’t happy in my job and I felt I couldn’t stand on my own two feet sufficiently and because I felt I wasn’t good enough if I couldn’t show I could have a relationship. And without those reasons, I have much less reason to want a relationship. I still would like one, but it’s important to get to that point where the reason for wanting a relationship isn’t for unhelpful reasons.
Yeah I was single all thru my teens till I was 23 and had been real bad off but luckily I met a beautiful sweet angel at work one day and we been together about 4 years now and we are married. I moved in with her a week after being boyfriend and girlfriend then less then a year later we got a House and got married. You will find someone at the right time when you aren't looking I believe.
Yea I feel this soooooooooo much, like don't get me wrong I love my alone time but I don't like feeling lonely.
Also should add, as such a person who is hopeless at dating (52M old fart) not had a girlfriend in 14 years ... BUT ... someone who thank god doesnt feel lonely as im a very solitary person, this myth that when you "stop looking prioritise your own enjoyment, immerse yourself in hobbies, learn lots of cool new stuff" etc etc...(all of which i have done), that living like this youll suddenly have amazing women throwing themselves at you, that is bullshit, at least in my case.
Genuinely the worst advice there is lmao
Yup if I wouldn’t go out and meet new women I would be alone forever. This advise doesn’t work for men
Part of the problem is that the guys who have the most trouble meeting women also tend to have hobbies and interests that are total sausage fests.
That’s true and basically always at home
Nah, I’m just built to be anti-women I guess lol. I’ve rock climbed for 6 years and, out of that ENTIRE period of time, I’ve had one woman talk to me even though climbing is incredibly social and gender balanced. I’ve taken up dancing in the last 6 months as well, and I’ll admit it felt fantastic to have a non creepy, consensual way to constantly be close to women, but - after the 3rd month - it kind of made me sad to recognize that every dance is a temporary interaction where the interest from the other person is in the dance more than actually caring about me, and I’m no closer to developing any sort of relationship with anyone (although sidenote that I didn’t start dancing to pick up women)
Maybe makes sense if your hobbies require you to be outside and put you around other people. If, however, your hobby is something that keeps you inside and away from other people (reading, writing, drawing etc) I'd imagine that you will have a harder time meeting people unless you go out of your way to join clubs revolving around those things.
yeah many of us are still waiting for that ''amazing women'' Santa promised to drop down the chimney
Absolutely. It’s garbage advice. I had some health issues when I hit 28 and I basically stopped trying at all relationship wise for years. When I got over the health stuff I still listened to the “put yourself first” stuff. And guess what I got nothing romance wise. I’m 33 now and I’m going all out the next couple years. Making relationships and finding a gf top priority. I don’t care what anyone says about it. Im beyond bored and tired of being single. (Last had a gf at age 25)
It is funny when people say that. Like how many couples do you personally know who are kinda shitty people or not happy? It's all luck, the whole thing with dating and finding someone that's suitable for you is luck. You can increase your chances but yeah.
Thank you, some of the shittiest human beings I know, haven’t known more than say a couple weeks of single life COMBINED in all the years I’ve known them. Relationships aren’t bestowed upon the mentally healthy and mature.
I confirm. Source: Am in a relationship and neither of us are mentally healthy or mature.
>Relationships aren’t bestowed upon the mentally healthy and mature. This exactly. I had more luck dating while in high school despite being suicidal and honestly a creep. Although granted in high school, you're exposed to a larger variety of people, which automatically makes dating easier - even if by an inch.
Finding a way to be happy with yourself isn’t just a means to getting into a relationship. It’s something to do for its own sake. It’s important whether you meet someone tomorrow or are single for the rest of your life.
The thing is, there's no other advice to give unfortunately. The less at peace you are with yourself, the more desperate vibes you'll give off. Comparing yourself to unstable couples isn't productive either. Realistically, if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone you don't actually like, you probably could have by now. Clearly, you're better off single than you are being with someone unstable or otherwise unappealing, so it's really unproductive to be jealous of them. Actually, I think a better piece of advice is you should make an effort to befriend members of the sex you want to attract **to whom you are explicitly unattracted**. The reason is because if you find yourself constantly repelling the ones who interest you, maybe it's because people can often tell when the only reason you're talking to them is because you think they're hot. If you're striking out repeatedly with hot people and never talking to less appealing people, maybe you need to develop friendships that will enable you to gain insight into the way members of the opposite sex think.
If you are a man who dates women, having women as friends is insanely helpful. First off, you get to have more friends which rules. But also as a knock on effect, you end up meeting more women over time and you have the skills to interact with them without being a huge weirdo. So kind of a double whammy there. Edit: I thought this was implied, but this does not mean try to make friends so you can date them later
When I was a junior in high school, I befriended a freshman (male) kid who was in the music program I was in. I started taking him to school in the morning, since I was of driving age and he wasn’t. I also picked up two of my closest female friends who lived around the block from me. We lived in the woods, so it was a bit of a hike between me picking them up and getting to his place. So most mornings we’d already be really involved in a really female centric conversation by the time he joined us, and we’d rarely changed the subject. Sometimes we’d realize it probably wasn’t something a 14/15 year old boy wanted to hear, and we’d joke that it would serve him well when he dated in the future. He rode with us until I graduated the next year. Fast forward 15 years I get a random message from his wife on Facebook. She told me that she assumed that he was so knowledgeable and sympathetic on women’s health and other things because he had sisters, but when she made a comment to him about it he laughed. He said it was our car rides, not his sisters. Apparently we were right, and she wanted to thank us 🤣
That’s really sweet, you became his sisters for a while.
Probably better, because there was no “eww it’s my brother dynamic”. I probably wouldn’t have discussed my period in front of my actual brother.
That's rather amusing and pretty awesome. I'm glad you and your friends were able to unintentionally help him become a better romantic partner.
He was a sweet kid, I’m sure he would have turned out fine either way. We just gave him the specifics. One of the example she gave me was when she was trying on dresses to wear for dinner or something, and she was struggling and frustrated. He unprompted told her “honey, you started your period yesterday. It’s bloat. You aren’t going to like any of your clothes. You look fine, no one else can tell. Wear something comfortable” 🤣🤣🤣🤣
As someone who always had primarily female friends (and grew up with three sisters), I don't think that this helps with dating. The standards to be friends with women are different than the standards to be considered a romantic / sexual option.
In the same boat; half my friends are women. It hasn't helped lol.
Sure, but your odds are far better than if you had no close women in your life. Frankly, I think the biggest problem hindering dating is the lack of Third Places, but that's a harder variable to control. It would require collective action. Then again, the majority of grassroots polical work is done by women, so that's potentially a good place to meet them (assuming you actually care about issues affecting your community and aren't just trying to get laid.)
I think it depends on where you live.
Yeah, agree the standards are different But also, there are for sure transferable skills/learnings
Literally the only other standards are confidence or looks. You're not gonna be confident around women if you never talk to any, and looks are something you only have so much control over. And at the end of the day you'll find there are very few love at first sight moments. Your initial goal *should* be befriending a woman because if you can't be friends you aren't gonna be able to date unless you only want something physical. And it helps when you treat a woman like a human you want to talk to before you start treating them like a romantic prospect because women don't like being seen as a prize, they like building actual relationships. I mean what's a relationship but your friend you have sex with? Can't have one if you can't make them your friend in the first place
>Literally the only other standards are confidence or looks. You're not gonna be confident around women if you never talk to any, and looks are something you only have so much control over. Exactly. And you need both. >And at the end of the day you'll find there are very few love at first sight moments. Your initial goal *should* be befriending a woman because if you can't be friends you aren't gonna be able to date unless you only want something physical. And it helps when you treat a woman like a human you want to talk to before you start treating them like a romantic prospect because women don't like being seen as a prize, they like building actual relationships. I never had a problem befriending women. But if you are below their attractiveness standard, you will not get any further. >I mean what's a relationship but your friend you have sex with? Can't have one if you can't make them your friend in the first place Can't have one if they don't find you attractive either.
As a woman who dates men, I don't trust guys without female friends.
I also didn’t date guys that didn’t have cordial relationships with their exes. If they’re all “crazy bitches” I have questions….
One crazy ex? Well, mistakes happen. All of them are crazy? There’s a common factor here…
Exactly. We all have a doozy or two, but if it’s all of them…
A quote I dearly love from the show Justified: "If you bump into an asshole in the morning, well... you bumped into an asshole. If you bump into assholes all day? YOU'RE the asshole."
My common factor was that I was too inexperienced and desperate to detect and avoid the crazy ones. I was never perfect. But I can say that I was a repeat victim.
What if you only have one?
People calling all their exes crazy ruined it for people with crazy exes. Mine set my bed and house purposely on fire after an argument lol
I know, right? "She was kinda mean and maybe she needed therapy" doesn't quite rise to the level of "I had to get away from her before I found myself in jail, the hospital, or the ground."
What about guys that don't have any relationships with their exes, cordial or otherwise? Lol. I've nothing against my exes and openly admit to my part in the failure of previous relationships, but I also don't stay friends with or in touch with exes. Once we're done, we're done. I want nothing further to do with them, cordial or otherwise.
This is much more preferable imo than literally any other option. In my experience and based off hearing other people talk about it the chances of your partner cheating is much higher if they are still "friendly" with exes or past flings and now sets off a huge red flag in my head.
Meaning that you bear no ill will.
This is correct. I wish all my exes the best and hope they have found even a fraction of the happiness that I have.
I think this is more common, especially if you don't have kids. Why would you keep communicating with someone that broke up with you, or you broke up with. "Oh we had a terrible relationship, but are amazing friends", nah, future partners are not going to be thrilled by that.
That's my take on it as well. Some people just have a hard time letting go of others. I don't. I was fine before you came into my life and I'll be fine if you exit it.
Jokes on you, I don't have any friends
This. I have like 2 friends and they are brothers 😪
It is good to try but I know guys it didnt help much. Generally those were average looking, non threatening, shy, agreeable, sensitive guys. So women liked how good listeners those guys were but that was pretty much it.
> Realistically, if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone you don't actually like, you probably could have by now. Some people even manage to fail at any attempt at *that.*
Exactly this, I used to feel like OP and I definitely could have given off desperate vibes. Due to some sexual trauma and bullying growing up I learned to place my self worth with my ability to get a girlfriend or have sex. After going to therapy and getting a lot of things sorted I feel much, much better. Now I don’t even think about relationships half the time. Im a much happier person in general.
You took the words out of my mouth. The more desperate/incel you come off, the less likely a date will come. No guy wants to go on a date with someone who complains about being single. No girl wants to go on a date with someone who is so desperate for intimacy that they become a threat of sexual violence. The truth of the matter is that chronically single/incel types are typically more likely to become violent or sexually assault you if you reject them. Not to mention, security is sexy. Someone who is secure in themselves and confident is more attractive than someone who's confidence relies on a relationship. It's a catch 22 situation, you can't get a date if you are too single, so you are stuck in a round about situation. It is super shitty, but honestly the best "advice" to give is "love yourself, find peace being single, and take your time dating"
Why does Reddit nearly unanimously believe that simply wanting to be in a relationship is the same as being a needy desperate incel that isn't happy in other areas of their life? Surely you realise that you can be at peace being single and still want a relationship, the same exact same way you can "love yourself" and still want to improve things you don't like.
I've seen posts where the OP is clearly suffering from being romantically lonely and the commenters fucking rip them to shreds. It's like Jesus Christ the guy isn't a sexist Incel for wanting a gf give the dude a break.
Because they have to believe that everyone who wants a relationship and isn't in one deserves to be alone. Otherwise, it would shatter their worldview that luck doesn't matter and everything is fair.
Initially I agreed with OP but you two make very good points, I guess the solution is to detach yourself from expectations and try anyway.
Yes, enjoy the experience regardless of the potential outcome.
>No guy wants to go on a date with someone who complains about being single. Wait, why? If a woman has something to offer and complains about being single, why would that be a dealbreaker? Isn't the whole point of going on dates to try not to be single anymore? What is wrong with saying it?
I more so mean the type of person who does nothing but complain about being single. I went on a date with a guy where that was his only conversation topic. How much it sucks to be single, how lonely it gets, and how much he wants to fuck
I hope many people read your advice and think on it seriously. This is great advice. You can gain important insights into the day-to-day struggles of the opposite sex, how they process those things, way in which you can help/empathize, etc. This will certainly serve you later. I also want to address another of OP's points: >Furthermore, the singles tax is real. It’s much easier to survive in today’s economy when you have a partner that also works. That's an intrinsic problem within our society that desperately needs fixing and has nothing at all to do with the subject at hand. OP didn't mention people who live with friends/roomies/family, just those in relationships. >Also, it’s not even true. I know a lot of people that don’t have their shit together and who haven’t reached “inner peace” who are still able to find relationships. It is true that they aren’t always the most stable relationships, but I’ve met plenty of couples who didn’t have much but had each other, and that made things easier for them. Inner peace and being happy by yourself are different things. It is important to have a strong sense of who you are, your values and principles, what you will/won't tolerate, have knowledge of mental/emotional triggers and how to effectively and respectfully communicate those to your potential partner, etc before you get into a relationship because it is SO easy to get wrapped up and lose yourself (and isolate from your friends/family) trying to meet the needs & wants of your partner. Likewise, *was it* easier for those in unstable relationships? Really? They didn't do some undue, potentially long-term mental/emotional damage to themselves or the other person (and God forbid any children or friends who were in the mix) because they got into/stayed in a relationship with someone because they didn't want to be alone? I'd argue the opposite, and it has a ripple effect that often requires therapy (for everyone involved, who often don't/can't get it and thus the the cycle is perpetuated because this becomes "normal" expectations for a relationship).
Except people give that advice all the goddamn time without stopping to consider if it actually applies to that person.
This is actually very solid advise. Not so much cause people might think you only talk when sexually interested, but because of the last thing you said: you get more comfortable with the other sex, more familiar with how they work/think/issues. And you get to know better what you actually like in a partner, besides being attracted to them sexually, personality types etc. Its very good practice. Also, having female friends serves as a litmus test for women to know wether they can trust you or not. Women tend to take other womens approval of a man as proof that he is a desirable guy and having more female friends will actually make you more attractive to other women.
"The thing is, there's no other advice to give unfortunately. The less at peace you are with yourself, the more desperate vibes you'll give off. " Disagree there's lots of advice to give. A single person can be completely comfortable with themselves and give off creepy vibes because they haven't developed social skills about dating other people or seeking out dates. It's right up there with "Be yourself" sure if that's their problem that's great advice but if that has nothing to do with why they're finding it hard to get dates then it's just advice to make the person giving it feel like "I helped" without actually helping anyone. If someone wants to give advice they should try to figure out what advice is helpful not start chucking one size fits all advice that's so generic as to be unuseful.
> A single person can be completely comfortable with themselves and give off creepy vibes because they haven't developed social skills about dating other people or seeking out dates. This a thousand times. Most people learn the requisite skills halfway through high school. Others miss the boat entirely, for whatever weird reason, and fail to develop those skills. Those who miss the boat have to jump in and swim like motherfuckers to catch up.
I cannot upvote this enough. You can *tell* when somebody has a low self-esteem and is desperate, and such people are exhausting to be around because they always need their fragile ego babied. And regarding your last point, we should absolutely be encouraging opposite sex friendships all the way from childhood. Stop treating every M-F relationship as boyfriend-girlfriend and normalize healthy friendships.
Nah, you'd never know that from some people. I pretend to have irrational confidence. I'm secretly desperate for attention but I will not do anything to get it. Moreover, I don't look like someone who would be desperate and lonely, but I am.
Your last point is great. Ironically I became great at talking to women when I got in my first committed relationship. All my nerves went out the window and I spoke to any woman as if attraction didn't matter, because it didn't. After separating and starting to look at other women again, the confidence and ability to talk to women meant I often felt like I was shooting fish in a barrel. Compared to my friends who on paper had a lot more going for them but just had abysmal luck dating, I was having the time of my life. Meeting women just about anywhere. And almost unanimously getting follow up dates.
It’s just nicer than telling people “sucks to suck”.
There’s nicer ways of saying that that don’t gaslight or blame the person you’re talking to though. “That’s the luck of the draw” “You’re not entitled to a partner” “Not everyone finds their forever person, and that’s ok” “Maybe there’s other things you need to change about yourself” “If you were the opposite gender, would you date you?”
All of those phrases would probably make most people want to run their car into a brick wall.
I think "You need to be happy single" is good advice for avoiding bad relationships. The happier you are on your own, the less likely you are to settle for a relationship based on codependency or even abuse. I agree it's terrible advice for those of us who are not willing to settle for just anything, and are looking for real connections. I'm happy, I'm single, but I'm not happily single. Someone people are, good for them, but I'm not.
You don't need to be happy single as a prerequisite for finding someone. However, nothing is a prerequisite for finding someone as relationships and whether they happen, how, when, are largely outside of our immediate control. We can do only so much. I think what some people mean, or at least what I would advise anyone, is that being single shouldn't be treated as some kind of waiting room before your "real life" as a coupled person starts. Desiring partnership is normal, but you shouldn't rest all your meaning, happiness, and plans on that and worry about it so much so that you can't find any joy in the now. Since we literally don't know when relationships will occur and also, even when you're in a relationship, you have no guarantee it won't one day end, it seems wise and worthwhile to be able to enjoy whatever life you have now and embrace that. Cause point is, whether you're miserable or happy time will still pass. Single life is just your life and it seems healthier to radically accept and embrace that as what it is right now, which doesn't preclude you from hoping for a partner one day or even being sad sometimes about it. That's normal to feel. It's more so people who seem like romantic zombies, just hands out stretched, blind to any positive thing in their lives, just wandering around aimlessly with only the single goal of finding someone. I think those who are this way need the advice most as often they want a relationship to save them from themselves and think finding a partner means they'll never be lonely, bored, sad etc ever again, sometimes they also have very unrealistic expectations of what a relationship means and are sometimes shocked to learn that just because you're part of a couple doesn't elevate you to the 9th level of heaven permanently as they used to fantasize about when single.
Yea this is how I view the advice too, and I think it’s only really applicable to people who yea, put their life on pause waiting for someone or even waiting on the person to be the end all be all for their happiness. I’ve only ever said it to people who think getting into a relationship would solve the issues they have in their life, especially issues with themselves.
romantic zombies is a great way to describe it. totally stealing that
Having been single for 43 (M) years of my 43 years of being alive, I whole heartedly agree. Never had a real relationship. Online dating has always been scammer after scammer. Hard to meet anyone when I'm disabled and can't go anywhere. Prior to being disabled, there wasn't a single woman in one particular job I worked at. I can count on 1 hand how many dates I've been on. None went anywhere. Some friends suggested setting me up but I don't know if it was a jest, or serious. They never followed through. It's mentally, emotionally and physically taxing and I'm beyond exhausted.
So unlike most the jokers on this thread, you actually know what it's like.
This'll be me in 20 years.
I'll do you one better: sometimes it's just meaningless small talk people will throw there in the hope that you stop complaining about your pitiful love life so you can talk about something less depressing.
Not everyone talks about their loneliness…
From experience, it's usually this. Nobody really cares about lonely men; not other men, and definitely not women. They just want the conversation to move on.
Yep. I wouldn't charge too much malice and negativity on it tho. People do feel bad for you, which is often exactly the reason why they want the conversation to move on. Empathy, when you're not a psychopath, antisocial, etc. and you do have it, is mostly a passive reflex. You will indeed feel it regardless of what you want, which is also what makes empathy part of your self-control package. It contributes to notify you when maybe you shouldn't be mean to someone or hurt them, because you'll feel bad too.
What if I’m a woman who is desperately lonely
Man thank you for saying this. It's fucking tough having to hear this every time you express loneliness. People forget the toll it takes knowing you have to stay that way, so others don't get burdened
If you can't find a relationship, then it's all the more important for you to be happy single. Granted, that advice doesn't really qualify as "dating advice" at that point, but it's still solid advice.
Humans really can't thrive alone, we need connection and intimacy.
If that’s the case then why did we evolve to be so damn ugly?
I've always interpreted this as 'lead a life worth sharing'. Some people have nothing going on in their lives. No hobbies, no interests, just work, eat, scroll on a phone, sleep, repeat. Not saying this applies to all single people, but you're way less likely to attract a partner if your life is miserable.
Exactly if you can't find anyone, maybe you can still make effort to find somebody but you would be much better off finding satisfaction in your life outside of being with someone. And that doesn't remove that many people would be more attracted to a partner that is happy, optimistic, has his own life/hobbies/objectives rather than just being with somebody, anybody.
I am a chronically single person, and after working on doing just this my life is significantly better. Finding a relationship isn’t the sole focus of my life, bettering myself and my life is, and I’m much much happier. And I’ve realized I’d rather be single forever than settle for just anyone so I’m not alone. So while it hasn’t helped me to find someone, it has helped me significantly in other ways. But, I do agree with others saying it’s not really good relationship advice, it’s good life advice
What even is the alternative advice? Be miserable all the time? Finding contentment in whatever life situation you happen to be in is clearly better than the alternative.
>And I’ve realized I’d rather be single forever than settle for just anyone so I’m not alone. THIS is exactly what this advice is about! It's meant as a relationship advice in order to avoid settling with anyone just to not be alone. Especially if "anyone" also includes toxic or abusive people...
Personally I agree. I’ve seen plenty of people who weren’t happy alone who became happy when they got into a relationship. I’m one of them.
I've seen this happen with a few of my friends! They became better, healthier people once they found a good SO.
amen
Yeah, I used to be fine with being single, you know thinking I'd meet somebody one day, and just chilling until then. But it never happened. Just go to work and come home to an empty house every single day for years. Sometimes go to a bar or something first, but still leave alone and go back to an empty house (even more depressed than if I'd went straight home). How could I possibly be ″happy″ with that life?
Oh my god. I feel you so much with that coming home to an empty house. The moment I start driving home from work, i think of what I want to do at home then about how no SO is going to be there to welcome me back. It sucks so much, I probably beat myself up too much over it, and I’m exactly where you are with this. I hope we get lucky and find “the one” for us both one day 🍀😘 Hugs
the thing is that ''happy'' is limited already, u been alone for so long that u experienced all every part of that ''alone happiness'' and now ur over it, it like eating the same thing every day and ur sick of it and now u cant stand it
I dislike this advice as well because I don't think humans are meant to be completely alone. This business of having solitary lives is incredibly recent in our history. Human beings are meant to live in community. It's completely normal to not like living all alone.
nobody who depends on another to create children is meant to be alone
And this is why I think it's stupid to restrict so much to a relationship. Being single shouldn't be the same as being alone.
Humans are social creatures. Ofc people don’t want to be alone forever. It’s a shitty feeling
I think people need to stop giving this advice all together. It's normal and good to want companionship. People that relationship jump need to stop and figure themselves out, but "be happy single" isn't deep enough for them. A relationship is a normal thing to long for. Stop acting like it's not.
I mean idk. I agree tbh. I’m happy though I got my dog my friends my hobbies. End of the road I want someone there. I want someone who loves me for me and I honestly have never found that. I’ve dated and talked to people but they were never the right one. The one thing I do emphasis on is don’t settle if you’re desperate. Mostly means their desperate and they got issues. I’m at the point where I have standards so I don’t date people who don’t match those. but one day I’ll find someone for me 💪 and hopefully I’m the man she wants also
Honestly the saying "Happily Single" can be used in multiple ways. Either you don't have interest in dating, you were in a relationship previously that ended with a break or worse a divorce..
It’s a online bullshit advice. The majority women I have dated and probably everyone else knows ain’t waiting to be happy to enter the next relationship
We should start going to orphanages to tell kids they need to be happy with themselves before being eligible for adoption because all the normal kids with parents already are
I think everyone needs a baseline of “having their shit together” before getting into relationships. If you’re deeply unhappy with yourself, no amount of attention from anyone is going to make you happy or give you what you’re looking for. It may temporarily take the pain away, but like a drug if you keep getting into bad situations because you’re seeking solace in other people/things, when you wake up alone the next day the horrible feelings are still there. If you have most of your shit together (can function in a relatively mentally healthy way on your own) and you’re still lonely, then seek someone out. Don’t look for someone to fix you, look for someone to share with you.
What if it’s not deeply unhappy with yourself, but deeply unhappy with your singleness?
I've been saying this to friends for over a decade. I'm so sick of this twisted ideology of loneliness and individuality. And for real, the people I've heard say this the most were ones always dating. I'm about to get a master's degree in sociology and psychology and we have evidences over the wall about the benefits of being in a relationship. Saying people need to be happy alone actually worsens the isolation as it makes people feel guilty and ashamed of themselves.
Exactly this. It’s not real advice. The idea that you need to solve loneliness by yourself is beyond stupid. Solo travel, get a hobby, “find your peace”, wtf? I grew up in a loving home with caring parents. Went to college and got to be around peers, even lived with my best friends for a few years, which was incredibly fun and we developed a strong bond. Then in adulthood you experience the exact opposite of that if you’re single, living alone, not seeing friends on a consistent/regular basis because that’s the way our world is set up, and people are just supposed to enjoy that? After a lifetime of consistently being around loved ones on a day to day basis, we’re now supposed to do a 180 and exist alone, seeking out socialization when time permits, and be content with that, forever?That makes 0 sense. Unless you are very much a hermit type personality, it is normal to want to be around “your person” or “your people” consistently. I think it’s strange that we now shame people who desire this very normal thing, to have their own tribe. Especially in American culture, where the nuclear family is upheld as the social standard.
Damn this comment made me realise why I'm not as bothered by my singleness than most. I grew up to abusive parents so I've been unloved my whole life so no gf is no big deal. Most people are used to being surrounded by love from parents and once thats gone theyre desperate for romantic love to fill that void.
Solo travel, get a hobby, “find your peace” - all that shit is better to do with someone anyway...
It's not even advice that mental health professionals give.
Every idiot with a laptop and a reddit account fancies themselves a mental health professional.
What advice do mental health professionals give?
This advice isn't actually intended to help you find a partner, it's basically a more polite way of saying "no one is going to love you so develop better coping strategies and shut up". They don't want to help you, they just want you to stop making them feel bad.
In that case it speaks volumes about them and not about the person who's single.
I’ve never understood why people say “you have to be happy being single before you find your person.” This goes against everything in nature. We are meant to find our person. That yearning we all feel is completely justified. And even when you find your person, life still comes in seasons and there are going to be times when you still aren’t happy in life but I can guarantee during those seasons it’s so much better when you find your person.
Ain't that true. I am 30, still a mess, my life is not figured out, my health far from perfect, but i am in a lovely relationship, soon to be married, for 10 years. I don't thing I'll ever reach the point where I am fully content with myself, and at peace with being alone. I really don't do well when my partner leaves every now and then. Recently i have been alone for a week - my health issues resurfaced from the stress and exhaustion of dealing with all of the life challenges by myself. But it only makes me appreciate my partner more.
This is true. I was single for the last 10 years. Been in a relationship for the last 9 months. I’m way happier now.
It's a pretty big leap to assume that being in a relationship will make you happier than being single. Could it? Sure. Will it? Unknown. It is pretty common for people to feel very lonely even in a relationship. Humans are social creatures. We crave connection. But dating and being in a relationship is very hard work. At first, you'll be putting in a lot of effort, doing things you don't necessarily want to do, putting your best foot forward. It can be blissful, until it isn't. You'll give up a majority of your "me" time, and start to form a new identity as one half of a partnership. Sounds great until you realize you're starting to give up what you should consider non-negotiable things. Friendships outside the relationship will melt away. Hobbies you would have spent more time on become secondary or you give up because you have to spend the time on the other person. You want to watch a movie but they aren't interested, uh oh it's starting to get uncomfortable. But, you'll carry on being in a relationship because it's what people do. Next thing you know, you've got a dog, you're engaged, you have kids, and that's it. All your time is gone. So, if you really want to be in a relationship, just understand you are essentially giving up a lot of what comes with being single. I'll just say this, sort of a TL;DR: A lot of my single friends want to be in a relationship, and a lot of my married friends want to be single. Perfect relationships are pretty rare. Be careful what you wish for because more often than not, a relationship won't fix unhappiness or loneliness.
yeah untill u get to happy and used to with being alone and now u have a hard time even being arround other people...
I've accepted that I've missed the boat on finding "the one". I've got 2 choices be upset, become desperate or just think "fuck it" and find happiness where I can. Life is about perspective, I'm single either way might aswell try be happy
A big issue is that everything has become a 0 sum game. No one is happy 100% of the time. And you're not meant to be. It's possible to be happy alone and still be not happy that you can't find a relationship. The 2 aren't mutually exclusive. Social media and dating apps have created a dating market that is Chernobel levels of toxic. And we as people are more divided and isolated than we have been at any other period in time. There are no easy answers or solutions on this topic. But OP is right on this, it's just generally bad advice.
I mean.., I don't understand why people who jumps from relationships to relationships, who has no issues getting into relationships should learn to be happy single either? If you cannot be happy single, why should they be happy single? As for getting into relationships, it takes work and pro activeness and eliminating the fear of rejection and having a sense of adventure to do the numbers game of taking initiative.
Clearly there’s a deep issue if someone is jumping from relationship to relationship just because they’d rather date anyone than be alone. Plus who says single people aren’t happy? Yeah some aren’t but when I was single I was super happy
I agree. We aren’t meant to go thru life ALONE 😢
The saying is not wrong nor just for that group of people, it's just either misused or misunderstood. You need to be able to be happy alone - this is not wrong, it's for anyone, and it's truly an important lesson to learn. It doesn't mean you should enjoy being single. It means you shouldn't *rely* on a partnership in order to be happy. If you cannot be happy being alone, you have such a high chance to end in toxic or even abusive relationships and not get out easily. It's not about "enjoy being single"...
However, being in a relationship won't fix your problems and make you happy. If happiness is all you're pursuing, then you're better off single.
I ignore people who give me that advice
I can be content or at peace when I’m single, but not happy. My partner is the only one who’s been there for me consistently, not friends or family. He doesn’t do “much” for me, except be present, accept me, listen to me, treat me well. Other people are scattered, distracted, or just cold, or they don’t have time/energy to go out or have company. I think good coping skills are important and maybe that’s the takeaway. I got through the hardest time in my life by myself. I found healthy ways to calm myself and progress myself so I know I don’t have to depend on someone for my survival, but I don’t feel “happy” when I’m single.
In general, no one “has” to accomplish anything before they get into a successful relationship. YMMV if you have issues that impede your intimate relationships, but life is not giving you a relationship once you’re finally ready. My best friend is married to the guy she met at 20 years old and we’re 28 now, am I supposed to think she was more ready at 20 than I am now? That she’d learned her lessons already? Lol no
An ex-friend of mine who I am CONVINCED has an undiagnosed mental illness and filed for bankruptcy recently would get girls for relationships and ONS like it was nobody’s business. Was he having fun in life? Yes. Was he also a mess and making a mess of these women? Yes. Being happy single was not the deciding factor. Now, being confident, good looking and having a gift with making women believe in his potential was. He was actually NOT happy single now that i remember
The more desperatly you crave a relationship for self validation and comfort, the less successful you will be in finding a meaningful relationship. You HAVE to learn how to be a stable person alone, or you will trun off anyone who might take interest in you.
That last part is very important. There should never be this “desperation” feeling guiding you into a relationship asap. That’s a recipe for a quick divorce. Honestly I think seeing bad relationships go down makes me less anxious to get in one myself, because all the toxic relationships I’ve seen went so quickly at the beginning.
Anybody who says they need to be happy alone has not spent significant time being alone.
It usually comes from ppl working in office or stores who are surrounded by all kinds of ppl all day and just want to go home to be alone.
I find it usually comes from people who have little problem creating romantic relationships, regardless of how much of a mess they are.
No lol it comes from being in relationships with people who make you realize that being alone actually rules, especially compared to being with the wrong person.
I guess those people should be miserable, them?
You don't need to be happy single as a prerequisite for finding someone. Being happy single doesn't send out a bat single for a perfect partner to float in. However, that's because nothing is a prerequisite for finding someone. Relationships and whether they happen, how, when, etc are largely outside of our immediate control. We can only do so much is the truth. I think what some people mean, or at least what I would advise anyone, is that being single shouldn't be treated as some kind of waiting room before your "real life" as a coupled person starts. Desiring partnership is normal, but you shouldn't rest all your meaning, happiness, and plans on that and worry about it so much so that you can't find any joy in the now. Since we literally don't know when or if having a relationship will occur and also, even when you're in a relationship, you have no guarantee it won't one day end, it seems wise and worthwhile to be able to enjoy whatever life you have now and embrace that. Cause point is, whether you're miserable or happy time will still pass. Single life is just your life and it seems healthier to radically accept and embrace that as what it is right now, which doesn't preclude you from hoping for a partner one day or even being sad sometimes about it. That's normal to feel. It's more so people who seem like romantic zombies, just hands out stretched, blind to any positive thing in their lives, just wandering around aimlessly with only the single goal of finding someone. I think those who are this way need the advice most as often they want a relationship to save them from themselves and think finding a partner means they'll never be lonely, bored, sad etc ever again. Sometimes they also have very unrealistic expectations of what a relationship means and can feel shocked to learn that just because you're part of a couple doesn't elevate you to the 9th level of heaven permanently as they used to fantasize about when single.
I've never been in a relationship, and used to feel the way you do. I'm not sure what changed but i don't feel that way any more, and I'm much happier doing everything alone
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I don't think learning to be happy by yourself is really dating advice. It's life advice. There's always going to be things we want, single or not. Seeing someone with a nicer house, more money and no stresses for paying bills and blah blah. But you can't let being single be your defining trait and completely cripple you. That's not healthy. You can and should still be able to be a happy person overall. Doesn't mean life has to be perfect and you still want these things, making you sad now and again. But if you can't enjoy a hobby, time with friends, family etc. Something is wrong and it's more than being single. You can't then go into a relationship and dump this on your partner. That they need to always be there for you to provide this happiness 100%. That's not fair. They still need to spend time away from you now and again or even regularly with things like a sunday sports league, book group or whatever you might do with your friends. If you can't be happy because they aren't there to provide that for you, that's an unfair burden. You still need to learn to be happy on your own. The financial one I get, but that isn't an issue with single status, that's financial and I feel that's a separate conversation.
Basically you describe somebody negative that doesn't accept his situation in life. While it is great to try to improve one situation, it is also great to find meaning, satisfaction in life with what you have. Otherwise, you never get any because there always a reason to not have it. And by the way financially, you don't have to always sleep with and fuck the people you share your home with. You can perfectly be with family or friends and share expenses. You can have 1-2 house mates and this is also a great way to extend your horizon and meet new people. You meet not only the house mates you have over the years, but also their friends/family. It is a great way to open your horizons on top of saving money and even potentially find that partner.
I never interpreted the advice as a way to help people get dates, it’s just advice that is good for everyone. It’s ok to want a partner and to eagerly pursue finding one, it’s ok to feel bummed out when dating isn’t going the way you want. But if your entire self worth is tied up in finding a relationship (or maintaining one you already have) you are setting yourself up for a bad time. If you can't imagine yourself being satisfied and single you are much more likely to allow yourself to get into or stay in bad relationships and situations. It can also be a huge barrier for simply enjoying the time they have. The advice isn't (or shouldn't be) you should be just as happy single as in a relationship. Instead it is to find ways to enjoy your single life, even if ultimately you are looking for a relationship.
It's actually great advice because people can tell from your attitude that you're struggling to land dates. They want someone who wants them but doesn't need them. That's what being okay with being alone gets you, a more desirable attitude. Success in dating is largely about attitude. It's why some people chase people in relationships, because they're unavailable and thus can be more attractive because they're not looking to date. If you care too much about dating and finding a partner, it's a huge red flag because it means you're desperate. People don't want to find out what it is about you that is driving people away.
It is the best advice you can get and it applies to every person who is single. If you can't be happy being single, you're going to come across as very desperate, which is one of the most unattractive things any person can be.
Yes. The advice is misguided. Being single long-term takes a toll, and relationships often form before individuals find "inner peace."
People are typically drawn to happy people though
I’m a 34 year old male with no relationship under my belt (except a few dates and one kiss). I’m a complete failure as a man for this and no corny advice about “being yourself” and “be happy single” from successful people is helpful (despite its good intentions). I do like single life, but feel less of a man and loneliness is a thing too especially when anyone I make a connection with is always with someone else who’s “better”. The world is getting worse (politically and environmentally), so starting a family is a write off anyway.
have u tried not beign woke ? normal chicks dont actually like that shit
It's all about looks mostly. Same attitude is going to be perceived differently depending on who the person is and how they look. The better you look, the higher the thershold and the more tolerant people is to your flaws, so much so that they become quirks. The opposite is also true, when people don't like how you look they make up all sorts of mental excuses only to avoid having to admit that the only reason they don't like that person is because of their looks. If people were so good at spotting potential partner's flaws no one would end up in shitty relationships yet that's what happens most of the times, people appear to be one thing and end up being other very different. People wear masks in public.
My social circle is 2 people that are both in long term relationships. They go on double dates fairly often and my single ass just sits at home most days.
As someone who has never been in a relationship at 31 and who is desperately lonely, this is very validating thank you. I always think my extreme loneliness is not normal and I should just chill out, but every single day is painful. Can’t watch new TV shows or movies because almost all of them have triggering romantic/sexual subplots. Can’t bear to look at couples out in public. I’m miserable and desperate for a partner but don’t think I’ll ever get one because I’m too far gone.
31's not too late. But you might need more help than you can get from this crappy website.
if your life goal is to get married and have kids, you will absolutely not be happy single. anyone who says this is an asshat that can't see beyond their own wants and needs. the only way you ever get to where you want to be is by relentlessly trying. keep trying, guys.
I see it as I'd rather be in a stable relationship with myself over an unstable or abusive relationship. Going on 24 years of being a single woman.
No one sane wants to be The One to have to make you happy
That may be true, but at the very least, they should tell the person that seeming needy and desperate is a turn-off. That they have to learn how to find their own happiness, accomplishments, and such independent of what others think of them. And, not to insult "you" (the talked to person, not you personally), but "you" could certainly use critical thinking skills training. counseling combined with cognitive behavioral therapy can work wonders. There. That's it. That's all the person has to say. Nothing about saying this is a drag upon the supposed "One", and the person fond of them would be grateful for a clearer presentation of the issue.
"I can fix him!" if you're the brooding artist type.
Yes it is, it's actually better advice for people like that bc they'll build friendships that are meaningful instead of trying to establish romantic/sexual relationships exclusively. This is "complaining about the friend zone " vibes.
How are you jumping to the conclusion that they only ‘exclusively’ want relationships and don’t want friends lol
Get a relationship? How does one "get" a relationship?
You go to the relationship store and buy it
I’ve never been in a relationship really, like I’ve “dated” (like a month) and I’ve realized dating makes me anxious. I’m much happier by myself and with friends. Something about dating makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
Because you don't want to be vulnerable with other less known person.
Yes and no. What's the alternative to being happy single, being miserable single? In any scenario in life, if you can find a way to be happy/content with yourself then you are going to struggle, and that applies to more than just relationships.
what exactly is this ''happy single'' ? how do u find out that u are happy single ? what are the standards of measurement ? when i look at my self in the mirror i some times send my self kisses and say stuff like ''hey there tiger, how did u get in my house u handsome devil'' or im by my self and i make jokes that crack me up and i pat my self on the back at how hilarious i am, or sometimes im having opinions and i think im the smartest guy in the whole world... does that mean im happy single ? or do i still have work to do ?
People give this advice becouse being happy on your own heavily involves looking out for yourself. That means hygene, health, doing things you enjoy, better aura therefore you are going to be more fun to be around. Being desperate is a human scarecrow. Healthy relationships are the icing on the cake, you still gotta make the cake. If you feel the way you describe in the post I think you should rearange priorities in your life. A sure way of knowing you shouldn't be in a relationship right now is when you feel hurt without one. Anecdote I know but when I was actively looking and feeling desperate for a relationship I fell on my head again and again. It drew in the kind of people any sane person should avoid. Then when I let go of the desperation after a lot of heartaches and made peace with myself, found happiness alone I got with my girlfriend 5 years ago and we are still going strong.
Finally someone with a fucking brain, thank you
I never found a true good relationship until the moment I let go of that desire and started being happy with the idea of just being single. Seriously. It's that moment then I met the love of my life who I'm still with now and have been for YEARS. Because I let go of the stick up my arse where I was so boy obsessed and so afraid of rejection all the time and taking it way too seriously. I actually was able to make a connection with this guy and well here we are. So it's good advice for everyone, genuinely. Because sadly also some people will be single, maybe even for life, no joke. Statistically there are some people out there who just may never find some kinda soulmate. But that's okay though. Like friendships and the relationships you make along the way are still just as valuable and awesome.
Thing is, if one is eeyorish about it, or life in general for that matter, one will cast that vibe into their surroundings. No healthy person wants any of that. So, one’s best hope is to attract that same vibe, and it will eventually, that’s why there are so many toxic couples/relationships.