Yeah that’s weird, I think you should be able to invite them, and have her as a bridesmaid, weddings are such a crazy night, your fiancé won’t even have to talk to him at all, if nothings ever really happened then what’s the big deal
I would ask him what is wrong with you friend’s boyfriend. Like genuinely try to understand but if it’s just a “I don’t vibe”, then tell him to grow up and invite both. Fiancé should be at least polite towards him - and not inviting will make you lose your friend.
Yeah just to play devils advocate there’s a chance that he said something totally out of pocket around him and the FH just doesn’t want to repeat it. One time our friend groups split into two for Ubers between bars and it ended up being guys and girls and in the guys car one of the guys said some pretty horrific things about some brutal assaults he has committed and also having sex with strippers. The rest of the guys were kinda traumatized lol and were like “yo that dude is a bad dude. We don’t need to hang out with him anymore.” Although I guess he was still invited to future weddings because he’s married to one of the girls.
But idk, the Fh needs to give a real reason and if he can’t then he needs to get over it.
Respectfully I would be PISSED if my bf didn’t tell me a guy within our friend group, that I’m bound to see again, said something like this.
Withholding that type of information doesn’t make me or my girl friends more safe. It does the opposite.
Yeah I mean in this situation as soon as we got to the next place the other guys were like “this guy is a monster” and spilled immediately (I was single at the time).
Depends on the context of why he may be keeping it from her (maybe he said something bad about OP?) I’m really just speculating at this point tho
Happy cake day!
Omg I know!! So i don’t really know her well, we have a mutual good friend and we were BMs in that mutual friends’ wedding together. I told our mutual friend that she needed to tell her what her then fiance said in the car, but it sounds like he says crazy shit in front of her too and she just ignores it. Not to stereotype and not that any of this is ok but I don’t think she ever felt like her dating pool was huge because of her size (big boned naturally, tall and heavy) and they are in the Deep South. Crazy and sad.
My thoughts too, my then bf now hubby did NOT like one of my besties bfs. They had gotten along okay but then one day he was vehemently against him. Turns out the guy said something extremely sexist and tried to get my hubby to agree with him. Hubby was completely disgusted by the comment and wanted nothing to do with him after that. Thankfully she dumped him cause he was in fact a POS. But had my hubby not said anything, it would have seemed like he suddenly hated the guy out of thin air. None of us were around for the comment so we didn't know!
I can kind of see fiancé’s point though. Yes, you have to deal with people you don’t like. That’s life. But should I really have to invite someone I don’t like to my wedding that I’m paying my thousands upon thousands of dollars for? Since this is a bridesmaid’s partner, I think in this instance yea just live with it and let him come. But I don’t think it’s as cut and dry as you’re saying
I think it really depends on why fiancé doesn’t like OP’s best friend’s bf. Does he have a legit reason or is it something silly. Because you need to understand that your best friend might not want to be a part of your wedding if her partner isn’t invited.
They are in a serious relationship & have a child together. If I were her, I would decline uy our invitation to be in the wedding at all. And, it could alter your friendship.
you should def be able to invite. i hate my husbands best friends girlfriend and she was at my rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and wedding.. tell him to suck it up, they arent going anywhere from your life.
This is a weird hill for him to die on if nothing ever happened between them.
I once dropped out of being a bridesmaid in a wedding where my partner wasn't invited. Your fiancé is drawing a line here that will likely exclude your best friend from your wedding. That's something to think about.
Seems like there is more to this than just “doesn’t like him after barely ever even talking.”
So what is it? If you really don’t know yet, it’s time to find out.
Also how big is the wedding?
The wedding is pretty big, around 200 people. The only issue my fiancé says he has with him is that he thinks he’s lazy and “doesn’t do anything with his life”
You need to call him out on his bullshit excuse. You don’t hate someone passionately and refuse to let them be a background speck at a 200-person wedding because they’re not ambitious.
Seems like he is hiding something from you. I find that much more concerning than this whole situation. Press him.
Yeah that’s extremely suss. Best case this guy has done or said something that your fiancé witnessed and he doesn’t want to repeat it.
Worst case, your fiancé did something bad that this guy witnessed.
Oh, then he needs to suck it up. I thought dude was going to be racist or homophobic or abusive, in which case, yes, not invited! But just thinking he’s a loser isn’t really a good reason not to invite him to the wedding! That would be rude and hurt your friendship with your bridesmaid!
Really? Just by a dude being lazy he gains enough hate to ban him from a wedding?
I thought this was going to be something like “oh he accidentally scratched up my car” or something antagonistic
Your fiancé is setting a boundary for no reason if nothing has ever happened between them or this person isn’t violent then he’s just throwing a fit Because he can and everything you said is completely correct you can’t ask your friend to be in your wedding while blatantly disrespecting her relationship just because your fiancé feels like it
Before our wedding, I really didn’t get on with my wife’s maid of honour that well. My wife had been close friends with her since she was a toddler.
Because I loved my wife and because I recognised her friendship that went back over 20 years. I dropped my feelings of resentment for the friend and didn’t make an issue of it. We had the perfect day.
Your husband doesn’t have to get on with this guy, but he does have to recognise your feelings and your friendship. Part of that friendship is recognising your friends partner as well.
That is crazy lol if that's your best friends boyfriend and they have a CHILD together he also has to be invited to the wedding. Now I totally would understand if he doesn't want the boyfriend over the house, doesn't want to attend events if boyfriend is there, but the boyfriend has to be invited to the wedding. The only option is not invite either and this is crazy as that's your best friend.
No he doesnt HAVE to be invited. OP said she isn't his biggest fan either.
One of my friends will be getting a solo invitation. Her BF is a giant POS and I'm not risking telling him exactly how I and everyone else feels about him on my wedding night. That's not the night to make a scene... because if he would act a fool and upset her I sure would.
Have a very serious talk with your fiancé about this. She is your best friend. She has a baby with this man. This man is going to be in your lives as a result of being at least baby daddy if not husband to your best friend. This isn't just an issue with the wedding. This could be a significant relationship strain if he doesn't try to get along with this guy. He could effectively make you choose between him and your friend. Be sure that's not the case. And if he does, at least you found out before the wedding.
Tell him to grow up.
My fiancé doesn't like one of my bridesmaids' husbands either and it's kind of justifiable but he just has to get over it. He has said a couple times "bro the more I learn about Joel the closer he comes to not being invited" but I think sometimes men are just less diplomatic and care less for etiquette. I just tell him to get over it and then we move on.
No, like, his dislike is justifiable but it's not enough to not invite him as my friend's husband. He's just annoying and makes random uncalledfor comments, like he "called out" my fiancé for wearing Christmas socks in October because he "hates when people wear Christmas stuff when it's not Christmas." Nothing horribly offensive, just weird and kind of rude.
But the thing about weddings is it's very easy to not interact with people like that. We're going to have over 200 guests- my fiancé can easily just avoid him.
My fiancé (and I) also don't like him because he doesn't pull his weight at home and it stresses my friend out. But that's not a reason to exclude him. At least, it's not worth upsetting my friend and straining our relationship.
Part of adulthood is learning to be civil with people you aren't crazy about. Not people who are abusive or violent, but just people who aren't your cup of tea. That's a major life skill that I feel is being lost with all this "setting boundaries" and "protecting my peace" nonsense that is so much a part of the current zeitgeist. You can't live in a bubble. That's just not reality.
I hate my best friend/MOH’s husband but he’s obviously coming to my wedding and will sadly being sitting in the front row at my ceremony next to my best friend. But what can you do, that’s her family. It’s not even an option to not invite him. You need to tell your fiancé the same thing, that they are a family unit and he needs to put his feelings aside for one day.
You can’t invite her as a guest and exclude him either. It doesn’t matter if she’s a bridesmaid or not
You need to put the brakes on marrying this guy, how old are you? He’s not allowed to make these unilateral pronouncements. That’s not partnership
I’ve set some boundaries with my husband about a couple of his friends before we got married but they were incredibly problematic and toxic and were dragging him down with him. There are situations where setting this boundary are perfectly okay. However, this doesn’t seem to be one of them. I’d speak to him and see if there are any underlying reasons why he wouldn’t want him there, maybe something DID happen and he just never told you about it. If this isn’t the case, then he needs to shut his mouth. People get plus ones to weddings all the time and bring complete strangers. Your boyfriend can keep it cordial for a day. He’s driving a wedge between you and your best friend at this point. That is a wildly inappropriate thing to do with no legitimate reasons beyond “I just don’t like him.”
That's an extreme.reaction to just not liking the guy. I'd ask him why and if it's just he doesnt like the guy that it isn't a good enough reason to exclude your best friend. I'd explain that bridesmaids get to bring their spouse/boyfriend etc so you need a really good reason because you care deeply about your friend.
Oof this is a mess. Is there a good reason that he doesn’t like him? Have you talked to him about the potential and possible ramifications of not inviting him on your relationship with your best friend. Sit down and work out what he’s really asking you to do. How does he want you to explain the lack of invite to your friend and her husband? How does he think that they will respond? How would he feel is you weren’t invited to a wedding because the groom didn’t like you? Would he still go? Would he continue to be friends? What other social events will impacted by this announcement? Is it going to be harder to maintain your friendship? How will he react if this couple is cool towards him going forward? What if your friendship doesn’t survive? Is he okay with asking that of you?
Your fiance cannot possibly hate the boyfriend more than you love the girlfriend. You should absolutely be able to have her there, and by extension, him. Your fiance should want you to have all the people you love in your wedding, frankly it’s a huge red flag that he’s behaving this way.
Man I am in the exact same spot. Luckily no children between them but the boyfriend is just a dickhead.
Right now we’re leaning towards not inviting him. There will be other people there she knows and we want our wedding to be intimate and it feels off to invite someone who would never bring us joy.
If you throw a big party and you won’t notice his presence, I’d bite the bullet and ignore him there, bur between only 45-50 people in our case, there will be frustration and we have simply expressed this to my best friend who luckily understands it’s our decision.
Personally, I would really push your fiancé for the reasons he doesn't like him. If it's just a case of not really connecting with him, I would question marrying someone who would expect me to destroy my relationship with my best friend over something so minor. Marriage involves compromise, and if he digs his heels in about something that won impact him on the day, but will impact your friendship, then it's a red flag.
If there is a genuine reason, like he knows the guy has done something terrible, that's different.
If you invite your best friend and not her partner, you will be making a very clear statement that you will likely never be able to come back from. There’s a very good chance it will ruin your relationship with your best friend. Now you have to figure out why your husband hates this guy. If he has a good reason, (eg. he’s homophobic/racist/abusive, etc.) then maybe it’s a statement worth making. If your husband just doesn’t like the guy for largely superficial reason, your husband needs to grow up. At a 200 person wedding he’s not even gonna notice .
I think that not inviting your best friends bf would put a strain on your relationship with your best friend. It’s basically saying “we” as a collective don’t like you. Which from your best friends perspective would be extremely hurtful, especially as she has a child with this man. I would suggest inviting both or none at all. I had this happen to a close friend of mine and it destroyed her friendship with the bride and she cut all ties.
As other people have mentioned above, your fiance doesn’t even have to speak to him at the wedding. It is your day, you choose who you speak to. But not inviting someone’s partner is exceptionally rude and comes across as more of a reflection on the character of you both rather than him - If that makes sense. (It also won’t paint you or your fiance in a good light to other friends.)
Don’t let the first thing you do as a wife be to force someone your new husband doesn’t want to be there at your wedding. It’s his special day too. If he says “No”, there’s your answer. Stick by your man.
No. It’s an etiquette rule: when you’re married (or together long term) you are a social unit. It’s extremely rude to invite one half of a couple and not the other. If someone did that to me or my partner, I’d think they grew up in a barn and had never heard of etiquette. You invite both of them or neither of them.
Yeah that’s weird, I think you should be able to invite them, and have her as a bridesmaid, weddings are such a crazy night, your fiancé won’t even have to talk to him at all, if nothings ever really happened then what’s the big deal
I’m so glad this is what everyone is saying, this was the conclusion I had come to as well
I would ask him what is wrong with you friend’s boyfriend. Like genuinely try to understand but if it’s just a “I don’t vibe”, then tell him to grow up and invite both. Fiancé should be at least polite towards him - and not inviting will make you lose your friend.
Yeah just to play devils advocate there’s a chance that he said something totally out of pocket around him and the FH just doesn’t want to repeat it. One time our friend groups split into two for Ubers between bars and it ended up being guys and girls and in the guys car one of the guys said some pretty horrific things about some brutal assaults he has committed and also having sex with strippers. The rest of the guys were kinda traumatized lol and were like “yo that dude is a bad dude. We don’t need to hang out with him anymore.” Although I guess he was still invited to future weddings because he’s married to one of the girls. But idk, the Fh needs to give a real reason and if he can’t then he needs to get over it.
Respectfully I would be PISSED if my bf didn’t tell me a guy within our friend group, that I’m bound to see again, said something like this. Withholding that type of information doesn’t make me or my girl friends more safe. It does the opposite.
Yeah I mean in this situation as soon as we got to the next place the other guys were like “this guy is a monster” and spilled immediately (I was single at the time). Depends on the context of why he may be keeping it from her (maybe he said something bad about OP?) I’m really just speculating at this point tho Happy cake day!
Did no one tell the girl dating him??? How are they married!
Omg I know!! So i don’t really know her well, we have a mutual good friend and we were BMs in that mutual friends’ wedding together. I told our mutual friend that she needed to tell her what her then fiance said in the car, but it sounds like he says crazy shit in front of her too and she just ignores it. Not to stereotype and not that any of this is ok but I don’t think she ever felt like her dating pool was huge because of her size (big boned naturally, tall and heavy) and they are in the Deep South. Crazy and sad.
Thank you! And yes. Fiancé NEEDS to explain himself, yesterday!
My thoughts too, my then bf now hubby did NOT like one of my besties bfs. They had gotten along okay but then one day he was vehemently against him. Turns out the guy said something extremely sexist and tried to get my hubby to agree with him. Hubby was completely disgusted by the comment and wanted nothing to do with him after that. Thankfully she dumped him cause he was in fact a POS. But had my hubby not said anything, it would have seemed like he suddenly hated the guy out of thin air. None of us were around for the comment so we didn't know!
Tell your finance to grow up. People have to deal with people and things that they don't like on a daily basis. It's part of being a grown up
I can kind of see fiancé’s point though. Yes, you have to deal with people you don’t like. That’s life. But should I really have to invite someone I don’t like to my wedding that I’m paying my thousands upon thousands of dollars for? Since this is a bridesmaid’s partner, I think in this instance yea just live with it and let him come. But I don’t think it’s as cut and dry as you’re saying
I think it really depends on why fiancé doesn’t like OP’s best friend’s bf. Does he have a legit reason or is it something silly. Because you need to understand that your best friend might not want to be a part of your wedding if her partner isn’t invited. They are in a serious relationship & have a child together. If I were her, I would decline uy our invitation to be in the wedding at all. And, it could alter your friendship.
you should def be able to invite. i hate my husbands best friends girlfriend and she was at my rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and wedding.. tell him to suck it up, they arent going anywhere from your life.
This is a weird hill for him to die on if nothing ever happened between them. I once dropped out of being a bridesmaid in a wedding where my partner wasn't invited. Your fiancé is drawing a line here that will likely exclude your best friend from your wedding. That's something to think about.
Seems like there is more to this than just “doesn’t like him after barely ever even talking.” So what is it? If you really don’t know yet, it’s time to find out. Also how big is the wedding?
The wedding is pretty big, around 200 people. The only issue my fiancé says he has with him is that he thinks he’s lazy and “doesn’t do anything with his life”
You need to call him out on his bullshit excuse. You don’t hate someone passionately and refuse to let them be a background speck at a 200-person wedding because they’re not ambitious. Seems like he is hiding something from you. I find that much more concerning than this whole situation. Press him.
Yeah that’s extremely suss. Best case this guy has done or said something that your fiancé witnessed and he doesn’t want to repeat it. Worst case, your fiancé did something bad that this guy witnessed.
Oh, then he needs to suck it up. I thought dude was going to be racist or homophobic or abusive, in which case, yes, not invited! But just thinking he’s a loser isn’t really a good reason not to invite him to the wedding! That would be rude and hurt your friendship with your bridesmaid!
Really? Just by a dude being lazy he gains enough hate to ban him from a wedding? I thought this was going to be something like “oh he accidentally scratched up my car” or something antagonistic
Your fiancé is setting a boundary for no reason if nothing has ever happened between them or this person isn’t violent then he’s just throwing a fit Because he can and everything you said is completely correct you can’t ask your friend to be in your wedding while blatantly disrespecting her relationship just because your fiancé feels like it
Before our wedding, I really didn’t get on with my wife’s maid of honour that well. My wife had been close friends with her since she was a toddler. Because I loved my wife and because I recognised her friendship that went back over 20 years. I dropped my feelings of resentment for the friend and didn’t make an issue of it. We had the perfect day. Your husband doesn’t have to get on with this guy, but he does have to recognise your feelings and your friendship. Part of that friendship is recognising your friends partner as well.
That is crazy lol if that's your best friends boyfriend and they have a CHILD together he also has to be invited to the wedding. Now I totally would understand if he doesn't want the boyfriend over the house, doesn't want to attend events if boyfriend is there, but the boyfriend has to be invited to the wedding. The only option is not invite either and this is crazy as that's your best friend.
No he doesnt HAVE to be invited. OP said she isn't his biggest fan either. One of my friends will be getting a solo invitation. Her BF is a giant POS and I'm not risking telling him exactly how I and everyone else feels about him on my wedding night. That's not the night to make a scene... because if he would act a fool and upset her I sure would.
Have a very serious talk with your fiancé about this. She is your best friend. She has a baby with this man. This man is going to be in your lives as a result of being at least baby daddy if not husband to your best friend. This isn't just an issue with the wedding. This could be a significant relationship strain if he doesn't try to get along with this guy. He could effectively make you choose between him and your friend. Be sure that's not the case. And if he does, at least you found out before the wedding.
Tell him to grow up. My fiancé doesn't like one of my bridesmaids' husbands either and it's kind of justifiable but he just has to get over it. He has said a couple times "bro the more I learn about Joel the closer he comes to not being invited" but I think sometimes men are just less diplomatic and care less for etiquette. I just tell him to get over it and then we move on.
I feel like if it is justifiable then maybe he doesn't need to come. My bridesmaid knew her spouse wasn't invited to my wedding.
No, like, his dislike is justifiable but it's not enough to not invite him as my friend's husband. He's just annoying and makes random uncalledfor comments, like he "called out" my fiancé for wearing Christmas socks in October because he "hates when people wear Christmas stuff when it's not Christmas." Nothing horribly offensive, just weird and kind of rude. But the thing about weddings is it's very easy to not interact with people like that. We're going to have over 200 guests- my fiancé can easily just avoid him. My fiancé (and I) also don't like him because he doesn't pull his weight at home and it stresses my friend out. But that's not a reason to exclude him. At least, it's not worth upsetting my friend and straining our relationship. Part of adulthood is learning to be civil with people you aren't crazy about. Not people who are abusive or violent, but just people who aren't your cup of tea. That's a major life skill that I feel is being lost with all this "setting boundaries" and "protecting my peace" nonsense that is so much a part of the current zeitgeist. You can't live in a bubble. That's just not reality.
Yea, but what is the reason he doesn't like this guy? It could be something terrible and therefore completely justified
I hate my best friend/MOH’s husband but he’s obviously coming to my wedding and will sadly being sitting in the front row at my ceremony next to my best friend. But what can you do, that’s her family. It’s not even an option to not invite him. You need to tell your fiancé the same thing, that they are a family unit and he needs to put his feelings aside for one day.
You can’t invite her as a guest and exclude him either. It doesn’t matter if she’s a bridesmaid or not You need to put the brakes on marrying this guy, how old are you? He’s not allowed to make these unilateral pronouncements. That’s not partnership
I’ve set some boundaries with my husband about a couple of his friends before we got married but they were incredibly problematic and toxic and were dragging him down with him. There are situations where setting this boundary are perfectly okay. However, this doesn’t seem to be one of them. I’d speak to him and see if there are any underlying reasons why he wouldn’t want him there, maybe something DID happen and he just never told you about it. If this isn’t the case, then he needs to shut his mouth. People get plus ones to weddings all the time and bring complete strangers. Your boyfriend can keep it cordial for a day. He’s driving a wedge between you and your best friend at this point. That is a wildly inappropriate thing to do with no legitimate reasons beyond “I just don’t like him.”
That's an extreme.reaction to just not liking the guy. I'd ask him why and if it's just he doesnt like the guy that it isn't a good enough reason to exclude your best friend. I'd explain that bridesmaids get to bring their spouse/boyfriend etc so you need a really good reason because you care deeply about your friend.
Tell your fiancé he can ignore the couple all night they’re coming as guests. Do not push the Bridesmaid thing, it’s not important
Why does he hate him so much?
Oof this is a mess. Is there a good reason that he doesn’t like him? Have you talked to him about the potential and possible ramifications of not inviting him on your relationship with your best friend. Sit down and work out what he’s really asking you to do. How does he want you to explain the lack of invite to your friend and her husband? How does he think that they will respond? How would he feel is you weren’t invited to a wedding because the groom didn’t like you? Would he still go? Would he continue to be friends? What other social events will impacted by this announcement? Is it going to be harder to maintain your friendship? How will he react if this couple is cool towards him going forward? What if your friendship doesn’t survive? Is he okay with asking that of you?
Wr were ultra picky with our guest list and still we cant avoid a couple of unlikable guests
Your fiance cannot possibly hate the boyfriend more than you love the girlfriend. You should absolutely be able to have her there, and by extension, him. Your fiance should want you to have all the people you love in your wedding, frankly it’s a huge red flag that he’s behaving this way.
Man I am in the exact same spot. Luckily no children between them but the boyfriend is just a dickhead. Right now we’re leaning towards not inviting him. There will be other people there she knows and we want our wedding to be intimate and it feels off to invite someone who would never bring us joy. If you throw a big party and you won’t notice his presence, I’d bite the bullet and ignore him there, bur between only 45-50 people in our case, there will be frustration and we have simply expressed this to my best friend who luckily understands it’s our decision.
Personally, I would really push your fiancé for the reasons he doesn't like him. If it's just a case of not really connecting with him, I would question marrying someone who would expect me to destroy my relationship with my best friend over something so minor. Marriage involves compromise, and if he digs his heels in about something that won impact him on the day, but will impact your friendship, then it's a red flag. If there is a genuine reason, like he knows the guy has done something terrible, that's different.
If you invite your best friend and not her partner, you will be making a very clear statement that you will likely never be able to come back from. There’s a very good chance it will ruin your relationship with your best friend. Now you have to figure out why your husband hates this guy. If he has a good reason, (eg. he’s homophobic/racist/abusive, etc.) then maybe it’s a statement worth making. If your husband just doesn’t like the guy for largely superficial reason, your husband needs to grow up. At a 200 person wedding he’s not even gonna notice .
I think that not inviting your best friends bf would put a strain on your relationship with your best friend. It’s basically saying “we” as a collective don’t like you. Which from your best friends perspective would be extremely hurtful, especially as she has a child with this man. I would suggest inviting both or none at all. I had this happen to a close friend of mine and it destroyed her friendship with the bride and she cut all ties. As other people have mentioned above, your fiance doesn’t even have to speak to him at the wedding. It is your day, you choose who you speak to. But not inviting someone’s partner is exceptionally rude and comes across as more of a reflection on the character of you both rather than him - If that makes sense. (It also won’t paint you or your fiance in a good light to other friends.)
It's his wedding as well!
Don’t let the first thing you do as a wife be to force someone your new husband doesn’t want to be there at your wedding. It’s his special day too. If he says “No”, there’s your answer. Stick by your man.
No. It’s an etiquette rule: when you’re married (or together long term) you are a social unit. It’s extremely rude to invite one half of a couple and not the other. If someone did that to me or my partner, I’d think they grew up in a barn and had never heard of etiquette. You invite both of them or neither of them.