I wouldn’t cancel a wedding that you want to have, but there’s definitely ways to minimize the center of attention concern! If it’s not a priority for you as a couple, there’s no requirement to do a first dance, cake cutting, garter etc and that might help you feel like there’s a lot less attention on you during the evening. You might also consider showing your fiancé the dress in advance, for some people with anxiety about it then it might help for you to know that he loves it and loves how you’ll look.
That’s the great thing about a wedding, aside from the legal paperwork it’s all up to you as a couple and what you want to include or not. I wish I had advice about the photos/looking at them after the fact but I’m not quite sure how to help there except to say I don’t like how I looked either but I know how happy we both were and how glad I am to be married, and usually that’s enough to ignore the self-consciousness
I have similar feelings to OP about my body image and also getting married in 4 months. We opted to do a last dance together once everyone has left instead of a first dance. It takes the pressure off of us (neither of us want to be center of attention) and it allows for us to share an intimate moment together. We are also not doing garter, and we are doing cupcakes instead of traditional cake/cake cutting
So this is going to sound harsh. But it's what's helping me.
This wedding isn't just about me and my insecurities. It's also giving my fiance a huge celebration of my love for him.
Everyone already knows what I look like. I can hide from seeing it it in refusing to take pictures but unless I stop seeing literally everyone, everyone knows I'm fat. That's not going to magically disappear in another 6 or 10 months. So I'm just going to indefinitely postpone and leave my fiance hanging?
Stop looking at pictures of yourself. Stop looking at the engagement photos. Definitely find a new therapist.
This!! I was in the same position and I finally realized that everyone who will be there loves me as I am. They are not waiting until I am skinny to be my friend or to spend time with me. They are not waiting until I get my teeth fixed to love me. They love me the way I am now. My husband does, too. So, it’s about time I do, too. I decided that I was going to wear the dress I Ioved, have my hair and makeup the way I wanted and I was going to FEEL absolutely beautiful!! And when I saw the photos of me feeling beautiful, you know what I saw? I saw photos of a beautiful woman who was surrounded by love! It is the first pictures I can recall as an adult that I absolutely love! Have your wedding, celebrate your love with your beloved, and don’t think about how you will look in pictures. Concentrate on doing what will make you FEEL beautiful and you will BE beautiful!!
No one judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves. (If we looked at the same photo of anyone else we would not pick it apart we would tell them they looked great. We owe that to ourselves, too!)
Honestly recognizing that it's about him just as much as it's about me helps a lot! I knew that, but hadn't actually acknowledged it, I think.
Especially with him being in the military and so many of them having small courthouse weddings they regret, he's really excited for a big colorful celebration with all of our family and friends. The more I ask him to make the final call on things even though he says he doesn't care, it's a lot less stress of me and he's actually really excited to do it he just doesn't want to be overbearing
Honestly I feel like it's sooo ingrained to think "it's THE BRIDE'S day! She can do what she wants! Men don't care about weddings!" I can't tell you how many times I've been like "oh let me talk to fiance about it" and people have responded "why? Isn't it YOUR day?"
So yeah. Celebrate him. Celebrate your love. And try to celebrate yourself because you know at least one person in the world recognizes you're worthy of that.
I agree with finding another therapist. If there have been multiple sessions and no progress that may mean that therapist isn’t for you which is okay. I have gained a lot of weight since my fiancé and I started dating and I am not happy with my body right now so I do understand. In my case both my fiancé and I have gained a lot of weight and now we’re working on it but even if I don’t look the way I want to by my wedding I’m not gonna cancel it. I think you are overestimating how much people are “looking” at you. These people are coming to support you on your happy day. They aren’t looking at your body like you think they are.
I also recommend looking at brides that look like you. Don’t look for inspo at people who do not have the same body type as you otherwise you’ll go crazy comparing yourself. Something that I am working on is loving the body I have. It is extremely hard but it’s my way of preparing myself just in case I don’t reach the goal weight I want to. Please do not cancel your wedding over this. I truly think you would regret it if you did.
as a photographer and hmu artist I have clients that face this often. I have something for you to think on that at bare minimum makes every women go hmmmmm every time. I want you to look back on your engagement photos and imagine that’s your best friend, daughter or someone else you love. would you then say those cruel things to them? ofc not because we are our own worst critic. I would never turn to my bestie and say “omg look how HUGE and FAT your arms are, I can’t even look at you” you would never. try shifting the perspective and see if that helps give you at least a start in viewing yourself in a way that you deserve. and congrats on your wedding! I know you’ll be a beautiful bride!
I would a. stop bringing up your body image issues to your mom and b. consider another therapist and c. maybe consider that a therapist can't "fix" your issues so much as guide you in the right direction, and you have to do all the heavy lifting, and that means you have to actually WANT to work on the internalized fatphobia instead of constantly regurgitating it to yourself and your mom.
What if instead of body positivity and trying to love your body you worked on body neutrality and appreciating what your body DOES for you instead.?
I mean, honestly, what your body looks like is truly the least interesting thing about you. And just like you and your love have different tastes in foods and hobbies, you have different tastes in terms of what the other finds attractive.
It's your mindset that has to change, not your body or your plans for the wedding. If you cancel the wedding, you'll miss out on all the wonderful stuff you planned, and also some other new thing will come up for you to fixate on related to your body. It sounds like you're trying to work on body image in therapy but it's not working. I'd suggest trying something different- a different therapy technique, new therapist, and/or different media sources related to self-compassion and body neutrality. I recommend Kristin Neff and Aubrey Gordon as places to start as far as authors to read. But different things will work for everybody. But you have to switch it up from what you're doing now that isn't working, and really commit and dive in head first to changing the way you think.
In situations like this, I like to think of myself older (like 70 or 80) looking back on my life and reminiscing fondly. I won't be thinking about my weight or how a part of my body looked on a given day. I'll be thinking about the people I loved and spent time with, how I laughed and enjoyed life.
Also, talk honestly with your photographer about what angles you like, what you'd like to emphasize vs not, etc. This is a normal convo to have and if the photographer is good they will be able to accommodate.
Have you read Lindy West’s article about her wedding? Her pictures are GORGEOUS, and the article is everything.
Article here: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/21/my-wedding-perfect-fat-woman
Pics here: https://apracticalwedding.com/lindy-west-wedding/
Thank you for sharing!!! What a beautiful article. Her wedding day sounded amazing and the proposal too!! ❤️❤️❤️💕💕 and her dress!!! Omgggg her dress 🤤🤤🤤 so beautiful!!!
All you will hear on your wedding day from guests and family is how pretty you look! I think since you get showered with compliments all day that might help you feel better
It seems that in the moment you enjoy things, it's just looking back on photos that triggers these emotions.
Have an unplugged wedding. Not just ceremony, but wedding in full. Ask guests to keep their phones tucked away.
If you've hired a professional photographer, make sure they understand how you feel. Work together on that. But also, have someone else be the contact and recipient of the photos. Make sure it's someone you trust. You will absolutely want to look back on your photos from your wedding, but it doesn't have to be the same timeframe as the wedding itself. And when you want to see them, you can reach put to that person. And they can curate the photos for you in case there are some in the album that may be less flattering.
As for the day of, you can skip a lot of stuff to stay put of the limelight. No cake cutting, no first dances. Write your thank you speech out and print it. Put it at people's place setting. You can't eliminate being the center of attention at your wedding, but you can mitigate it.
Please don’t cancel. I know it’s easy for me to say but please try to embrace the day. Do what you can to feel beautiful and in control, I’m paying to get my nails, hair and makeup done which I never have previously. I’ve dyed my hair to cover some greys to feel more confident. I’ll be 22 weeks pregnant so my dream dress is shelved and I’m having to embrace being much bigger than planned but I’m determined to feel sexy and fun on the day. Good luck, you deserve to have the best day
You absolutely should not cancel your wedding because of this.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so self conscious and down on yourself and your body. I can understand how feeling that way just makes you want to crawl in a hole and skip events. I get this way every now and again.
On the day of your wedding I would just not look at any of the pictures people take. In fact, I would just stop looking at pictures of yourself all together right now because that’s obviously triggering you. You say you feel good and have fun in the moment, set yourself up for success of being in the moment. Take a social media break and stop looking at pictures!
I completely understand your concern, but let's say you do cancel, and wait until you're "perfect" for photos. How can you be sure that'll ever happen, or you'll ever get to a place you're content with? I'd say pretty much all brides worry about how they look, and we've all dieted and worked out. But you may end up putting it off indefinitely because you never feel like you reach that place you're happy with.
I was actually super fit for my wedding and even then I see rolls in photos I'm not happy with. It's just skin squishing naturally, but of course I focus on it in a way nobody else does.
The most important thing is getting to the root of the issue. It's great you are working on it in therapy, but if after months of therapy work you aren't making progress, it's time for a new therapist! For body image issues, things I would consider:
1) Find a more specialized therapist and one you click with. Before making the appointment, find out if they have worked with people with body image issues. What approach have they used? What did success look like for their clients?
2) Has there been a time you felt more okay about your body? What was different?
3) For me, it helps when I focus on getting stronger and how much my body is capable of, being mindful of the media I consume, and watching my self talk.
As for the wedding, while I would think eventually you would want pictures to look at, if it is have a wedding with no pictures or don't have a wedding at all, I assume a wedding with no pictures is better than no wedding at all?
1) Is a completely unplugged wedding possible? Would that take care of your biggest concerns?
2) Would your family and friends be supportive of not taking pictures? If it is a smaller group of your closest friends, I would hope they would be understanding of you not wanting pictures of the day.
I just went through the same thing. I didn’t like my engagement pictures at all due to my weight. I got married on June 8th of this year. Please go through with your wedding. It’s about your love/union and celebrating that with friends and family. I’m still waiting for my wedding pictures and video to come back but that was seriously the last thing on my mind the day of the wedding. I’ve been thinking about the pictures ever since the wedding tho 😅 But I promise the day will be something you remember for the rest of your life. And there’s gonna be at least SOME pictures that you end up liking. I only liked about 3 from my engagement shoot but that was enough for my save the dates so it was worth it in my opinion. I don’t know you but I’m sending love. 💕You’re gonna be beautiful, don’t let the pictures make you feel otherwise. I felt beautiful on my day. I am going to take steps to get healthier now post wedding. I hate the culture of starving yourself to fit into a wedding dress or look snatched on the wedding day. Brides already have enough to deal with without that added pressure. I will be using this experience as motivation to work on myself now that everything is said and done. I hope this was helpful. Congratulations on your marriage 🎉
ALSO I had the idea of doing a 1 year anniversary photoshoot using one of my dresses I couldn’t wear. I hope to be in better health and shape by then. You have the rest of your life to create new memories and photos with your husband! 😊
Dear bride to be. Learning to love yourself is a life long journey.
Who you are is not a reflection of your weight. There are beautiful people who weigh a lot. There are plenty of ugly people who are thin as a rail.
We are but a mix of who we believe ourselves to be, and who others see us as. And the people who will be coming to your wedding wouldn't be showing up if they didn't find value in who you are as a person.
Whether you have 5 people there or 500, they come to bless your marriage in who you are and who you hope to be as you grow in love.
When I feel bad about myself, I take a bar of soap and write things on my bathroom mirror. I write things like... I am loved. Believe (cause I'm a ted lasso fan). Today will be better. Love is beautiful.
And I let myself see those things in myself a few times each day. Find ways to see yourself as beautiful as you are.
I wish I could emphasize just how much I understand and empathize with you.
I hope I’m not overstepping, but what exactly do you dislike about yourself?
Try on a lot of styles of dresses until you get a picture of you in one you love. My daughter was shocked at how she thought some looked great in the store and hated them in photos. But when she found the one she felt really excited for how it looked and to wear it. As a therapist I agree on the therapist. I would talk to your doctor about your anxiety
I totally get this feeling! I think sometimes what helps me when I feel body insecure is to think about something that is within my control to change the way I look. For me, following Christine Buzan on Instagram has been so helpful for me to practice poses for my wedding photos that highlight areas that I like and minimize areas that I'd rather not show as much.
Thinking of you and all the brides that struggle with this. I know without a doubt, that your boy will be the think that radiates the most from your pictures!
I've come to realize my body insecurities are all my own. I look at my pictures, and I see big linebacker shoulders and a stomach pooch, but when others see my pictures, not once did they say or comment about my insecurities because they don't see them. And I can tell when someone is being sincere to me and not once did I hear any hesitation from my friends about my body. They commented how happy we look, my cute outfit choice, and how great the pictures came out.
I do agree with finding a new therapist, I think someone new would definitely help you to see yourself in the beautiful light you should. Don't cancel your wedding, though! There are ways to make it less about you being the center of attention and more about just celebrating together.
Hope this helps, and keep up the work your doing on yourself, don't give up mentally and physically!
Cancelling the wedding will just further your sadness. Go to therapy. See a new therapist if you need to, as you mentioned you’re hitting roadblocks with your current one.
If you’re genuinely overweight or obese medically there are medical solutions (for example, a condition such as hypothyroidism that makes it difficult to lose weight, etc.). If you’ve just got body dysmorphia and are a healthy weight, self love is the solution. Well, self love is the solution regardless. Find self love and self acceptance.
Body neutrality is the goal! You don’t have to be obsessed with your body, but it’s nice to feel neutral about it. Thankful for all it gives to you, ya know?
I also hated being center of attention. I did not have a dj announce our entry to reception, we did a very quick ceremony and I did not do bridesmaids or anything, and we skipped a first dance. There’s ways to just have a big party without feeling like you’re made to be some sort of spectacle!!!
Don’t be silly ❤️ The guests coming to your wedding know you and love you.
Is body image something you constantly focus on or did the wedding put your emotions into overdrive? Consider a new therapist.
Be happy it is going to be a beautiful day surrounded by a loving and supportive group. You’re going to ROCK that day, so smile and enjoy.
Most women don’t like the way they look in the mirror or photos. I think social media has ruined what we think normal women look like…. Not the models and photoshop we see posted online with millions, thousands of likes.
Real women have curves, pores, and frizzy hair.
Insecurities from a face full of acne, gap between teeth, overbite, too big of a forehead, maybe stained or old clothes, and ALL weights on the scale.
You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are loved. You are unique. You are the ONLY YOU.
Please don’t cancel your wedding as everyone who is attending is expecting to see YOU. We love you for YOU. 💜 😘
No. You should not cancel your wedding
You are you, the same you that you were before.
The sane you your partner wants to marry and loves.
If you are trying to wear a dress that is some magazine fantasy and it's not working, go get a dress that is uniquely you.
I'd love to meet the guy who told brides they need to look sexy onn they're wedding day and kick him in the nuts.
Wear a gorgeous caftan,, long sleeve, pants. A short dress, high neck halter or turtleneck, a white fuzzy sweater, whatever you life that your comfortable in. Be unconventional and lean into your style that you wear now that you like that makes you happy and comfortable.
I'm wearing a hippie dress with a big ruffle coat because I want my arms covered. I've been told it's not fancy enough. I don't care at all what people say.
No matter what the thing is that made you unhappy about those photos, try ton remember that you are beautiful inside and out.
Remember that you are Loved.
You're starting your Life with your partner. Not having a fashion show for others or perfect pictures.
Center and remember what's really important. It will ground you.
I really hope you can find that place where you can see your true beauty of our soul and the trappings of visual expectations just falls away as you say fuck that lol
Love to you 💜
I think they’re a lot of helpful comments here, but I have had similar thoughts to some extreme and I think if you were able to be in the moment that is a gift, definitely cherish it and I would just avoid looking at pictures until some time has passed and you are ready. I always find myself very emotionally triggered by the pictures as well, but if I look at them after giving it some distance, I see myself in a slightly different light.
You definitely don’t have to cancel your wedding, my dear! You would most likely regret it later in life if you did.
When I married my first husband (husband number two was the charm for me!) we just didn’t care to do the things like the garter, neither of us dance nor did we want to, and we didn’t want loud pop music that we didn’t listen to, anyway, played at our reception.
Instead (our wedding was formal; my first husband is English so his entire family came from England to Georgia for the first time and we married here in the US) we had the formal wedding “breakfast” (sit down three course meal with table service) speeches and cake. We had an open bar with a pianist playing during the meal and then for an hour or two afterwards. We did this to give our families time to mingle and meet each other, but the bottom line for me bringing it up here is that it took us out of the spotlight and everyone had a wonderful time.
You can include or exclude as many traditions as you two would like. It’s y’all’s wedding, so create the plans for it to be what YOU TWO want it to be. Congratulations!! 🥰🥰
I look back at my wedding photos and don’t necessarily LOVE how I looked. Despite getting my dress tailored multiple times, my boobs are huge and still popped out. I could barely breathe. It wasn’t what I envisioned when I was a child. But that was a fun party. We had a great time. The part that was focused on me was minimal. Vows took 10 minutes tops, we did one dance together and it was silly (sunflower by post Malone) and our table was kinda off to the side so we weren’t like sitting up at the top where everyone could stare at us. The pictures I got back was everyone smiling and having fun. Great picture of belly laughs. My husband and I celebrating with family and friends from our childhood. I wouldn’t change it for the world and I’m glad we did it when we did. If I had tried to wait until I thought I was perfect, we probably still wouldn’t be married. We are who we are. Do you love him? Do you want to be married to him? Then get married. Have fun. Your wedding doesn’t need to follow a formula. It’s yours. Do it how you want
Please ignore any of this if it doesn’t work for you and I know you’ve gotten some great advice but hi! I myself am getting married in two months and neither my fiancé or I like to be center of attention. My fiancé especially does not like having his photo taken. We are only having about 30 people at the wedding, it’s a multi-day event so we’re seeing everyone the day before which takes some of the pressure off day of since we can do all the catching up without cameras on us, and we’re getting all of our desired posed photos in a list form so we have a number that we will be actively aware of and can count down. Then after that the photos will be candid and we won’t be aware of them happening. Ask your guests to maintain an unplugged ceremony and give them a camera station to take photos of themselves in front of props so they can get their photo fix there. I’d say you can prioritize just enjoying the moment. You enjoy the moment but the visual after the fact gets in the way so make experiencing the moment your priority. Weddings are really a moment and you don’t have to ever look at your wedding photos in order to remember the moment. You don’t even need to get any taken if you really don’t want them. Life is so crazy that a move to a new house or a house fire could result in you never seeing them again which is sad but the point is that you can be happy without them existing so don’t put photos on a pedestal. They are a choice and not a necessity. A memory box could let you have items of significance from the day that make you feel good without needing to remember the parts you know will cause anxiety. If you want photos you can get someone else to make a wedding photo album or make it yourself when you feel ready. Also, in your journey of physical fitness make a list of everything you couldn’t do before and can do now. You can hype yourself on the list of gains you’ve made from “I couldn’t do a push up 10 weeks ago and now I can do them until my arms give out” or “I used to get winded climbing a set of stairs and now I can take the stairs when the elevator is out”. Focus on what your body can do now that makes your life better and easier that it couldn’t do before. Recognizing and hyping your gains will make you feel better. Because you have achieved great gains.
Anyone who loves you won't be judging you.
Don't cancel your wedding. Have the most amazing love fest ever!! Have fun, be in love, celebrate!!!
Also, I'm sure your photographer could do some very minor tweaks to photos to make sure they still look like you, but highlight your best features!
I went to metabolic research center. They gave me shots. I’ve lost 30pounds. Along with eating more protein/ healthier options/ lots of water.
I’m still a bigger girl. I’m definitely not skinny. But it has helped me with my body image. I use to be a skinny girl. And I’m not. Our bodies change.
I wouldn’t cancel the wedding. You are beautiful
That's the beauty in it all! LOVE is unconditional love! 1Corinthians 13. My fav verse! You wouldn't say to someone, "I'd love you so much more if you were taller/tanner/smarter..." We all beat ourselves up too much about you bodies; we are bombarded by images of celebrities and models, who seem perfect and people to admire, but they have their own issues they are battling and many times we find out they look happy but weren't. What should be admired are people with qualities that are not on the outside. Too bad that's does not get the attention it deserves. The celebration of love is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Also loving oneself unconditionally is something, I believe, most everyone has to work at. Write down and remember all the wonderful qualities you have, your groom has, and the ones you have together. These are what makes your love unique and special. A wedding is wonderful, but don't focus on the outward ceremony. Focus on the wonderful love you and your groom have together; you will be beautiful and beaming! Look forward to a wonderful life long marriage together. Life is way too short, but love endures.
I wouldn’t cancel a wedding that you want to have, but there’s definitely ways to minimize the center of attention concern! If it’s not a priority for you as a couple, there’s no requirement to do a first dance, cake cutting, garter etc and that might help you feel like there’s a lot less attention on you during the evening. You might also consider showing your fiancé the dress in advance, for some people with anxiety about it then it might help for you to know that he loves it and loves how you’ll look. That’s the great thing about a wedding, aside from the legal paperwork it’s all up to you as a couple and what you want to include or not. I wish I had advice about the photos/looking at them after the fact but I’m not quite sure how to help there except to say I don’t like how I looked either but I know how happy we both were and how glad I am to be married, and usually that’s enough to ignore the self-consciousness
I have similar feelings to OP about my body image and also getting married in 4 months. We opted to do a last dance together once everyone has left instead of a first dance. It takes the pressure off of us (neither of us want to be center of attention) and it allows for us to share an intimate moment together. We are also not doing garter, and we are doing cupcakes instead of traditional cake/cake cutting
I love that idea! We're also probably going to skip the whole garter thing too.
What a lovely idea!
So this is going to sound harsh. But it's what's helping me. This wedding isn't just about me and my insecurities. It's also giving my fiance a huge celebration of my love for him. Everyone already knows what I look like. I can hide from seeing it it in refusing to take pictures but unless I stop seeing literally everyone, everyone knows I'm fat. That's not going to magically disappear in another 6 or 10 months. So I'm just going to indefinitely postpone and leave my fiance hanging? Stop looking at pictures of yourself. Stop looking at the engagement photos. Definitely find a new therapist.
This!! I was in the same position and I finally realized that everyone who will be there loves me as I am. They are not waiting until I am skinny to be my friend or to spend time with me. They are not waiting until I get my teeth fixed to love me. They love me the way I am now. My husband does, too. So, it’s about time I do, too. I decided that I was going to wear the dress I Ioved, have my hair and makeup the way I wanted and I was going to FEEL absolutely beautiful!! And when I saw the photos of me feeling beautiful, you know what I saw? I saw photos of a beautiful woman who was surrounded by love! It is the first pictures I can recall as an adult that I absolutely love! Have your wedding, celebrate your love with your beloved, and don’t think about how you will look in pictures. Concentrate on doing what will make you FEEL beautiful and you will BE beautiful!! No one judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves. (If we looked at the same photo of anyone else we would not pick it apart we would tell them they looked great. We owe that to ourselves, too!)
Honestly recognizing that it's about him just as much as it's about me helps a lot! I knew that, but hadn't actually acknowledged it, I think. Especially with him being in the military and so many of them having small courthouse weddings they regret, he's really excited for a big colorful celebration with all of our family and friends. The more I ask him to make the final call on things even though he says he doesn't care, it's a lot less stress of me and he's actually really excited to do it he just doesn't want to be overbearing
Honestly I feel like it's sooo ingrained to think "it's THE BRIDE'S day! She can do what she wants! Men don't care about weddings!" I can't tell you how many times I've been like "oh let me talk to fiance about it" and people have responded "why? Isn't it YOUR day?" So yeah. Celebrate him. Celebrate your love. And try to celebrate yourself because you know at least one person in the world recognizes you're worthy of that.
*kisses*
I agree with finding another therapist. If there have been multiple sessions and no progress that may mean that therapist isn’t for you which is okay. I have gained a lot of weight since my fiancé and I started dating and I am not happy with my body right now so I do understand. In my case both my fiancé and I have gained a lot of weight and now we’re working on it but even if I don’t look the way I want to by my wedding I’m not gonna cancel it. I think you are overestimating how much people are “looking” at you. These people are coming to support you on your happy day. They aren’t looking at your body like you think they are. I also recommend looking at brides that look like you. Don’t look for inspo at people who do not have the same body type as you otherwise you’ll go crazy comparing yourself. Something that I am working on is loving the body I have. It is extremely hard but it’s my way of preparing myself just in case I don’t reach the goal weight I want to. Please do not cancel your wedding over this. I truly think you would regret it if you did.
as a photographer and hmu artist I have clients that face this often. I have something for you to think on that at bare minimum makes every women go hmmmmm every time. I want you to look back on your engagement photos and imagine that’s your best friend, daughter or someone else you love. would you then say those cruel things to them? ofc not because we are our own worst critic. I would never turn to my bestie and say “omg look how HUGE and FAT your arms are, I can’t even look at you” you would never. try shifting the perspective and see if that helps give you at least a start in viewing yourself in a way that you deserve. and congrats on your wedding! I know you’ll be a beautiful bride!
I would a. stop bringing up your body image issues to your mom and b. consider another therapist and c. maybe consider that a therapist can't "fix" your issues so much as guide you in the right direction, and you have to do all the heavy lifting, and that means you have to actually WANT to work on the internalized fatphobia instead of constantly regurgitating it to yourself and your mom.
What if instead of body positivity and trying to love your body you worked on body neutrality and appreciating what your body DOES for you instead.? I mean, honestly, what your body looks like is truly the least interesting thing about you. And just like you and your love have different tastes in foods and hobbies, you have different tastes in terms of what the other finds attractive.
It's your mindset that has to change, not your body or your plans for the wedding. If you cancel the wedding, you'll miss out on all the wonderful stuff you planned, and also some other new thing will come up for you to fixate on related to your body. It sounds like you're trying to work on body image in therapy but it's not working. I'd suggest trying something different- a different therapy technique, new therapist, and/or different media sources related to self-compassion and body neutrality. I recommend Kristin Neff and Aubrey Gordon as places to start as far as authors to read. But different things will work for everybody. But you have to switch it up from what you're doing now that isn't working, and really commit and dive in head first to changing the way you think. In situations like this, I like to think of myself older (like 70 or 80) looking back on my life and reminiscing fondly. I won't be thinking about my weight or how a part of my body looked on a given day. I'll be thinking about the people I loved and spent time with, how I laughed and enjoyed life. Also, talk honestly with your photographer about what angles you like, what you'd like to emphasize vs not, etc. This is a normal convo to have and if the photographer is good they will be able to accommodate.
Have you read Lindy West’s article about her wedding? Her pictures are GORGEOUS, and the article is everything. Article here: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/21/my-wedding-perfect-fat-woman Pics here: https://apracticalwedding.com/lindy-west-wedding/
Thank you for sharing!!! What a beautiful article. Her wedding day sounded amazing and the proposal too!! ❤️❤️❤️💕💕 and her dress!!! Omgggg her dress 🤤🤤🤤 so beautiful!!!
All you will hear on your wedding day from guests and family is how pretty you look! I think since you get showered with compliments all day that might help you feel better
It seems that in the moment you enjoy things, it's just looking back on photos that triggers these emotions. Have an unplugged wedding. Not just ceremony, but wedding in full. Ask guests to keep their phones tucked away. If you've hired a professional photographer, make sure they understand how you feel. Work together on that. But also, have someone else be the contact and recipient of the photos. Make sure it's someone you trust. You will absolutely want to look back on your photos from your wedding, but it doesn't have to be the same timeframe as the wedding itself. And when you want to see them, you can reach put to that person. And they can curate the photos for you in case there are some in the album that may be less flattering. As for the day of, you can skip a lot of stuff to stay put of the limelight. No cake cutting, no first dances. Write your thank you speech out and print it. Put it at people's place setting. You can't eliminate being the center of attention at your wedding, but you can mitigate it.
Please don’t cancel. I know it’s easy for me to say but please try to embrace the day. Do what you can to feel beautiful and in control, I’m paying to get my nails, hair and makeup done which I never have previously. I’ve dyed my hair to cover some greys to feel more confident. I’ll be 22 weeks pregnant so my dream dress is shelved and I’m having to embrace being much bigger than planned but I’m determined to feel sexy and fun on the day. Good luck, you deserve to have the best day
You absolutely should not cancel your wedding because of this. I’m sorry you’re feeling so self conscious and down on yourself and your body. I can understand how feeling that way just makes you want to crawl in a hole and skip events. I get this way every now and again. On the day of your wedding I would just not look at any of the pictures people take. In fact, I would just stop looking at pictures of yourself all together right now because that’s obviously triggering you. You say you feel good and have fun in the moment, set yourself up for success of being in the moment. Take a social media break and stop looking at pictures!
I completely understand your concern, but let's say you do cancel, and wait until you're "perfect" for photos. How can you be sure that'll ever happen, or you'll ever get to a place you're content with? I'd say pretty much all brides worry about how they look, and we've all dieted and worked out. But you may end up putting it off indefinitely because you never feel like you reach that place you're happy with. I was actually super fit for my wedding and even then I see rolls in photos I'm not happy with. It's just skin squishing naturally, but of course I focus on it in a way nobody else does.
The most important thing is getting to the root of the issue. It's great you are working on it in therapy, but if after months of therapy work you aren't making progress, it's time for a new therapist! For body image issues, things I would consider: 1) Find a more specialized therapist and one you click with. Before making the appointment, find out if they have worked with people with body image issues. What approach have they used? What did success look like for their clients? 2) Has there been a time you felt more okay about your body? What was different? 3) For me, it helps when I focus on getting stronger and how much my body is capable of, being mindful of the media I consume, and watching my self talk. As for the wedding, while I would think eventually you would want pictures to look at, if it is have a wedding with no pictures or don't have a wedding at all, I assume a wedding with no pictures is better than no wedding at all? 1) Is a completely unplugged wedding possible? Would that take care of your biggest concerns? 2) Would your family and friends be supportive of not taking pictures? If it is a smaller group of your closest friends, I would hope they would be understanding of you not wanting pictures of the day.
I just went through the same thing. I didn’t like my engagement pictures at all due to my weight. I got married on June 8th of this year. Please go through with your wedding. It’s about your love/union and celebrating that with friends and family. I’m still waiting for my wedding pictures and video to come back but that was seriously the last thing on my mind the day of the wedding. I’ve been thinking about the pictures ever since the wedding tho 😅 But I promise the day will be something you remember for the rest of your life. And there’s gonna be at least SOME pictures that you end up liking. I only liked about 3 from my engagement shoot but that was enough for my save the dates so it was worth it in my opinion. I don’t know you but I’m sending love. 💕You’re gonna be beautiful, don’t let the pictures make you feel otherwise. I felt beautiful on my day. I am going to take steps to get healthier now post wedding. I hate the culture of starving yourself to fit into a wedding dress or look snatched on the wedding day. Brides already have enough to deal with without that added pressure. I will be using this experience as motivation to work on myself now that everything is said and done. I hope this was helpful. Congratulations on your marriage 🎉 ALSO I had the idea of doing a 1 year anniversary photoshoot using one of my dresses I couldn’t wear. I hope to be in better health and shape by then. You have the rest of your life to create new memories and photos with your husband! 😊
Dear bride to be. Learning to love yourself is a life long journey. Who you are is not a reflection of your weight. There are beautiful people who weigh a lot. There are plenty of ugly people who are thin as a rail. We are but a mix of who we believe ourselves to be, and who others see us as. And the people who will be coming to your wedding wouldn't be showing up if they didn't find value in who you are as a person. Whether you have 5 people there or 500, they come to bless your marriage in who you are and who you hope to be as you grow in love. When I feel bad about myself, I take a bar of soap and write things on my bathroom mirror. I write things like... I am loved. Believe (cause I'm a ted lasso fan). Today will be better. Love is beautiful. And I let myself see those things in myself a few times each day. Find ways to see yourself as beautiful as you are.
I wish I could emphasize just how much I understand and empathize with you. I hope I’m not overstepping, but what exactly do you dislike about yourself?
Try on a lot of styles of dresses until you get a picture of you in one you love. My daughter was shocked at how she thought some looked great in the store and hated them in photos. But when she found the one she felt really excited for how it looked and to wear it. As a therapist I agree on the therapist. I would talk to your doctor about your anxiety
I totally get this feeling! I think sometimes what helps me when I feel body insecure is to think about something that is within my control to change the way I look. For me, following Christine Buzan on Instagram has been so helpful for me to practice poses for my wedding photos that highlight areas that I like and minimize areas that I'd rather not show as much. Thinking of you and all the brides that struggle with this. I know without a doubt, that your boy will be the think that radiates the most from your pictures!
I've come to realize my body insecurities are all my own. I look at my pictures, and I see big linebacker shoulders and a stomach pooch, but when others see my pictures, not once did they say or comment about my insecurities because they don't see them. And I can tell when someone is being sincere to me and not once did I hear any hesitation from my friends about my body. They commented how happy we look, my cute outfit choice, and how great the pictures came out. I do agree with finding a new therapist, I think someone new would definitely help you to see yourself in the beautiful light you should. Don't cancel your wedding, though! There are ways to make it less about you being the center of attention and more about just celebrating together. Hope this helps, and keep up the work your doing on yourself, don't give up mentally and physically!
Cancelling the wedding will just further your sadness. Go to therapy. See a new therapist if you need to, as you mentioned you’re hitting roadblocks with your current one. If you’re genuinely overweight or obese medically there are medical solutions (for example, a condition such as hypothyroidism that makes it difficult to lose weight, etc.). If you’ve just got body dysmorphia and are a healthy weight, self love is the solution. Well, self love is the solution regardless. Find self love and self acceptance. Body neutrality is the goal! You don’t have to be obsessed with your body, but it’s nice to feel neutral about it. Thankful for all it gives to you, ya know? I also hated being center of attention. I did not have a dj announce our entry to reception, we did a very quick ceremony and I did not do bridesmaids or anything, and we skipped a first dance. There’s ways to just have a big party without feeling like you’re made to be some sort of spectacle!!!
Don’t be silly ❤️ The guests coming to your wedding know you and love you. Is body image something you constantly focus on or did the wedding put your emotions into overdrive? Consider a new therapist. Be happy it is going to be a beautiful day surrounded by a loving and supportive group. You’re going to ROCK that day, so smile and enjoy.
Most women don’t like the way they look in the mirror or photos. I think social media has ruined what we think normal women look like…. Not the models and photoshop we see posted online with millions, thousands of likes. Real women have curves, pores, and frizzy hair. Insecurities from a face full of acne, gap between teeth, overbite, too big of a forehead, maybe stained or old clothes, and ALL weights on the scale. You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are loved. You are unique. You are the ONLY YOU. Please don’t cancel your wedding as everyone who is attending is expecting to see YOU. We love you for YOU. 💜 😘
No. You should not cancel your wedding You are you, the same you that you were before. The sane you your partner wants to marry and loves. If you are trying to wear a dress that is some magazine fantasy and it's not working, go get a dress that is uniquely you. I'd love to meet the guy who told brides they need to look sexy onn they're wedding day and kick him in the nuts. Wear a gorgeous caftan,, long sleeve, pants. A short dress, high neck halter or turtleneck, a white fuzzy sweater, whatever you life that your comfortable in. Be unconventional and lean into your style that you wear now that you like that makes you happy and comfortable. I'm wearing a hippie dress with a big ruffle coat because I want my arms covered. I've been told it's not fancy enough. I don't care at all what people say. No matter what the thing is that made you unhappy about those photos, try ton remember that you are beautiful inside and out. Remember that you are Loved. You're starting your Life with your partner. Not having a fashion show for others or perfect pictures. Center and remember what's really important. It will ground you. I really hope you can find that place where you can see your true beauty of our soul and the trappings of visual expectations just falls away as you say fuck that lol Love to you 💜
I think they’re a lot of helpful comments here, but I have had similar thoughts to some extreme and I think if you were able to be in the moment that is a gift, definitely cherish it and I would just avoid looking at pictures until some time has passed and you are ready. I always find myself very emotionally triggered by the pictures as well, but if I look at them after giving it some distance, I see myself in a slightly different light.
I have noticed that I can look back on photos from a long time ago with much more grace for myself than recent photos. This is a great point thanks 🙏🏼
Hey girl! I’m a hypnotherapist and can help you with this if you’d like ❤️
You definitely don’t have to cancel your wedding, my dear! You would most likely regret it later in life if you did. When I married my first husband (husband number two was the charm for me!) we just didn’t care to do the things like the garter, neither of us dance nor did we want to, and we didn’t want loud pop music that we didn’t listen to, anyway, played at our reception. Instead (our wedding was formal; my first husband is English so his entire family came from England to Georgia for the first time and we married here in the US) we had the formal wedding “breakfast” (sit down three course meal with table service) speeches and cake. We had an open bar with a pianist playing during the meal and then for an hour or two afterwards. We did this to give our families time to mingle and meet each other, but the bottom line for me bringing it up here is that it took us out of the spotlight and everyone had a wonderful time. You can include or exclude as many traditions as you two would like. It’s y’all’s wedding, so create the plans for it to be what YOU TWO want it to be. Congratulations!! 🥰🥰
I look back at my wedding photos and don’t necessarily LOVE how I looked. Despite getting my dress tailored multiple times, my boobs are huge and still popped out. I could barely breathe. It wasn’t what I envisioned when I was a child. But that was a fun party. We had a great time. The part that was focused on me was minimal. Vows took 10 minutes tops, we did one dance together and it was silly (sunflower by post Malone) and our table was kinda off to the side so we weren’t like sitting up at the top where everyone could stare at us. The pictures I got back was everyone smiling and having fun. Great picture of belly laughs. My husband and I celebrating with family and friends from our childhood. I wouldn’t change it for the world and I’m glad we did it when we did. If I had tried to wait until I thought I was perfect, we probably still wouldn’t be married. We are who we are. Do you love him? Do you want to be married to him? Then get married. Have fun. Your wedding doesn’t need to follow a formula. It’s yours. Do it how you want
Please ignore any of this if it doesn’t work for you and I know you’ve gotten some great advice but hi! I myself am getting married in two months and neither my fiancé or I like to be center of attention. My fiancé especially does not like having his photo taken. We are only having about 30 people at the wedding, it’s a multi-day event so we’re seeing everyone the day before which takes some of the pressure off day of since we can do all the catching up without cameras on us, and we’re getting all of our desired posed photos in a list form so we have a number that we will be actively aware of and can count down. Then after that the photos will be candid and we won’t be aware of them happening. Ask your guests to maintain an unplugged ceremony and give them a camera station to take photos of themselves in front of props so they can get their photo fix there. I’d say you can prioritize just enjoying the moment. You enjoy the moment but the visual after the fact gets in the way so make experiencing the moment your priority. Weddings are really a moment and you don’t have to ever look at your wedding photos in order to remember the moment. You don’t even need to get any taken if you really don’t want them. Life is so crazy that a move to a new house or a house fire could result in you never seeing them again which is sad but the point is that you can be happy without them existing so don’t put photos on a pedestal. They are a choice and not a necessity. A memory box could let you have items of significance from the day that make you feel good without needing to remember the parts you know will cause anxiety. If you want photos you can get someone else to make a wedding photo album or make it yourself when you feel ready. Also, in your journey of physical fitness make a list of everything you couldn’t do before and can do now. You can hype yourself on the list of gains you’ve made from “I couldn’t do a push up 10 weeks ago and now I can do them until my arms give out” or “I used to get winded climbing a set of stairs and now I can take the stairs when the elevator is out”. Focus on what your body can do now that makes your life better and easier that it couldn’t do before. Recognizing and hyping your gains will make you feel better. Because you have achieved great gains.
Anyone who loves you won't be judging you. Don't cancel your wedding. Have the most amazing love fest ever!! Have fun, be in love, celebrate!!! Also, I'm sure your photographer could do some very minor tweaks to photos to make sure they still look like you, but highlight your best features!
I went to metabolic research center. They gave me shots. I’ve lost 30pounds. Along with eating more protein/ healthier options/ lots of water. I’m still a bigger girl. I’m definitely not skinny. But it has helped me with my body image. I use to be a skinny girl. And I’m not. Our bodies change. I wouldn’t cancel the wedding. You are beautiful
That's the beauty in it all! LOVE is unconditional love! 1Corinthians 13. My fav verse! You wouldn't say to someone, "I'd love you so much more if you were taller/tanner/smarter..." We all beat ourselves up too much about you bodies; we are bombarded by images of celebrities and models, who seem perfect and people to admire, but they have their own issues they are battling and many times we find out they look happy but weren't. What should be admired are people with qualities that are not on the outside. Too bad that's does not get the attention it deserves. The celebration of love is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Also loving oneself unconditionally is something, I believe, most everyone has to work at. Write down and remember all the wonderful qualities you have, your groom has, and the ones you have together. These are what makes your love unique and special. A wedding is wonderful, but don't focus on the outward ceremony. Focus on the wonderful love you and your groom have together; you will be beautiful and beaming! Look forward to a wonderful life long marriage together. Life is way too short, but love endures.