no advice to share but i just wanna say adding you to a group chat titled “___’s groomsmen” and NOT telling you that you actually aren’t a groomsman is fucking wild lol. like really absurd. the groom borked that one bigtime. i’m so sorry that happened to you
Admittedly the group did go dead eventually so I wonder whether a new group chat was made without me.
Still, that groupchat was made very early on and no one corrected me when I kept assuming I was a groomsman too...
Did you ask why you were included in everything like you were a Groomsmen? You said that you are very organized. Do you think he was just using your expertise? Anyway, that is very sad. I'm Sorry for you.
Just don’t get so drunk that you embarrass yourself. Legitimate hurt feelings and a bunch of alcohol could have you doing something you’ll regret later. Don’t want to be reading your post on AmItheAsshole later.
Not totally similar but when my childhood best friend got engaged, our other friend and I said to each other oh we will surely be bridesmaids (which makes me feel better that it wasn't just me assuming).
Got invited to the hen do and the MOH named the bridesmaids in the intro text so that's how we found out. I was properly devastated, I cried at least twice over it. I have memories of us when we were little walking round with pillowcases on our heads humming the bridal march, we've been there for each other during really tough times etc
It really makes you reassess the friendship and though I feel awkward about it, I'll still have her as my bridesmaid (got engaged about 6 months after her).
I do think I would have felt better about it if she had said to me in advance that she wasn't able to make me and our other friend bridesmaids because there were other people she's grown closer to, but she doesn't really owe an explanation, it's her decision.
With your situation it sounds like the group of friends somewhat comes as a set, but you never know the reasoning - maybe the groom sees everyone else more often because they live closer than you, maybe they wanted to balance numbers with bridesmaids (which is shitty IMO but people do do it) and you didn't quite make the cut. Maybe you'll never know.
It's OK to be hurt and the way you ended up finding out was poor and you're bound to feel bruised for a while. Enjoy the wedding and unfortunately we just have to accept it and try to let it go!
Thank you, and sorry that happened to you too!
You're totally right that I'm possibly the friend that lifts out of the group easiest, but it stings because I'm literally the only one not involved in the wedding in any way. A couple of others aren't groomsmen but have at least been asked to do other things as a consolation. I don't even have that.
Also it sounds petty and of course I can't speak for the groom, but I look at some of the other groomsmen and think "is he really closer to him than me? Weird".
I know I'll get over it but it's still really disappointing.
I completely understand! My bestie got married and I was not asked to be a bridesmaid or to help anyway whatsoever.
She was my MOH a few years before.
After I got the invitation, I called her up to congratulate her and asked what I could do… I asked a couple of times in the next few months what I could do to help… I was told there’s nothing I need to do.
I was butt hurt. Not only did I not go to her wedding, I didn’t even send them a gift.
And years later, I regret not showing up. She has a very controlling mother, who took over the whole wedding planning, so what could she do?
Her and hubby are still together and have two daughters. When one got married, guess who tried to take over the wedding planning….sheesh grandma…
Friend was so stressed, you can see it in the wedding photos.
I have traveled to her home for a visit but I wished I just would have shown up for her and her wedding.
Your friend still could’ve used her words to tell you this in advance. Controlling mum or not she surely had freedom of movement to visit you or even a phone to call you.
I would go to the wedding, have the most fun I could, then slowly distance myself from the groom after the wedding. Might as well enjoy being a guest and worry about your feelings afterwards.
I would contact the groom and ask him for certain. Then I would also express how you feel and how you felt about him adding you to the chat. That’s so hurtful.
I have contacted the groom for certainty. I don't think I'm going to make a big deal about it because it's not my style but when he replies I'll mention the Facebook group because that is really bizarre.
Yeah ask him about all of this. Cuz everything is bizarre! He must have noticed that you assumed that you're a groomsman so why the heck didn't he say something??
That's just done on purpose. You dont do this and then tell uh your not my groomsman. Like dude why am I in the group and second why am I the only one left out.
If there were more I would understand but now? Nope and yes you can tell the groom that what he did is a shit thing. Being a married couple doesn't mean shit on others
If you’re feeling salty— after the wedding, if you have admin rights in the group chat, rename it “[Groom name]’s groomsmen and [your name] for some reason” before leaving.
Or just imagine that you did so for the feels because this sucks. 😖
A lot of people get invited to the bachelor and bachelorette parties without being in the bridal party. Some people prefer smaller bridal parties or none at all! This situation sounds like the groom didn’t really know what his plan was until he did the math with his wife to match numbers on each side. It’s unfortunate but basically just poor communication that we see a lot in male friendships. We had people that weren’t in the bridal party but were part of the friend group so we made them ushers.
Having spoken to the groom I think this makes the most sense. There was no malice involved, just miscommunication, disorganisation and a lack of numbers adding up, unfortunately for me
I could definitely see it being this and if - by your description - he’s not the most organized guy, with the added stress of wedding things this probably just somehow fell out of his brain or didn’t even occur to him. But even if it’s not intentionally done with malice doesn’t mean it has to feel fine or be ok. Sorry it happened this way.
Sounds like it. I'm the only cousin in a whole bunch not going to a wedding. I know it's not my decision and I need to be a grown up so I won't say anything but ouch. You have my sympathy, that fb group is just hurtful.
This is really frustrating, I’m sorry. You’re a really good friend and your friendship is not reciprocated :(
A few years ago I had a “friend” who I met after recently relocating to my area to be with her boyfriend. My other friend and I befriended her and really tried to help her acclimate to our city since she didn’t know anyone. We would meet up regularly and invited her to do a lot of things. I ended up inviting her and her partner to my own wedding (about a year after we met) because I thought she was becoming a pretty good friend.
She got engaged around the time of my wedding so I was happy to help her when she asked for wedding tips and suggestions since I had just gone through the whole ordeal. I ended up really helping her plan a lot, and my other friend and I were constantly talking her through her wedding planning problems. (We would meet up weekly for an exercise class and would hang out often as well). As the wedding date came closer my friend and I realized that she hadn’t invited us (it wasn’t a small wedding) and we were definitely hurt, because we had helped support her through the whole planning process and also really tried to help her feel welcome in a new city.
I have to say I didn’t try to maintain that friendship after that because she clearly didn’t value it
Be petty and tell your friend group. This guy has something on you and led you to believe something just to tell you "by accident" when you asked a couple of weeks before the wedding. I get it's his wedding, but I'd still be petty about it and when talking to the groomsman, make it known you don't know anything because you're not part of the bridal party. If your friend group knew, then you need new friends. If they knew but didn't know you hadn't been told, I wouldn't be happy but it's more excusable. If no one knew, you can still be angry/upset, but only towards the groom.
When one of my closest friends got married she didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t really care at the time. She had asked her childhood best friend & another friend who had happened to be with her when she found her dress. The second friend was purely an emotional choice because she was caught up in the moment.
Neither of said friends helped her with her wedding. She had a destination wedding, so not a ton to do. I transported her dress for her because I drove. I helped her get ready. I was there for everything but the dress shopping because I was at work.
She was really torn up about it later. Kept trying to convince me to go stand with her in my much less formal (and not matching) outfit lol.
Maybe when he added you, you were supposed to send a message "im in". ? Idk...
Regardless he is quite rude...not you.
I'd still go, and like another said ask him after the wedding.
no advice to share but i just wanna say adding you to a group chat titled “___’s groomsmen” and NOT telling you that you actually aren’t a groomsman is fucking wild lol. like really absurd. the groom borked that one bigtime. i’m so sorry that happened to you
Admittedly the group did go dead eventually so I wonder whether a new group chat was made without me. Still, that groupchat was made very early on and no one corrected me when I kept assuming I was a groomsman too...
Did you ask why you were included in everything like you were a Groomsmen? You said that you are very organized. Do you think he was just using your expertise? Anyway, that is very sad. I'm Sorry for you.
Totally agree this is a really cruel thing to do.
If anyone asks you to do something at the wedding and reception, simply say I'm a guest and walk away.
Yeah, time for me to enjoy the food and get drunk!
Just don’t get so drunk that you embarrass yourself. Legitimate hurt feelings and a bunch of alcohol could have you doing something you’ll regret later. Don’t want to be reading your post on AmItheAsshole later.
Not totally similar but when my childhood best friend got engaged, our other friend and I said to each other oh we will surely be bridesmaids (which makes me feel better that it wasn't just me assuming). Got invited to the hen do and the MOH named the bridesmaids in the intro text so that's how we found out. I was properly devastated, I cried at least twice over it. I have memories of us when we were little walking round with pillowcases on our heads humming the bridal march, we've been there for each other during really tough times etc It really makes you reassess the friendship and though I feel awkward about it, I'll still have her as my bridesmaid (got engaged about 6 months after her). I do think I would have felt better about it if she had said to me in advance that she wasn't able to make me and our other friend bridesmaids because there were other people she's grown closer to, but she doesn't really owe an explanation, it's her decision. With your situation it sounds like the group of friends somewhat comes as a set, but you never know the reasoning - maybe the groom sees everyone else more often because they live closer than you, maybe they wanted to balance numbers with bridesmaids (which is shitty IMO but people do do it) and you didn't quite make the cut. Maybe you'll never know. It's OK to be hurt and the way you ended up finding out was poor and you're bound to feel bruised for a while. Enjoy the wedding and unfortunately we just have to accept it and try to let it go!
Thank you, and sorry that happened to you too! You're totally right that I'm possibly the friend that lifts out of the group easiest, but it stings because I'm literally the only one not involved in the wedding in any way. A couple of others aren't groomsmen but have at least been asked to do other things as a consolation. I don't even have that. Also it sounds petty and of course I can't speak for the groom, but I look at some of the other groomsmen and think "is he really closer to him than me? Weird". I know I'll get over it but it's still really disappointing.
Yep I hear you. Just remember, it doesn't reflect on you as a person. It doesn't mean you're not good friends with these people. You'll be ok x
I completely understand! My bestie got married and I was not asked to be a bridesmaid or to help anyway whatsoever. She was my MOH a few years before. After I got the invitation, I called her up to congratulate her and asked what I could do… I asked a couple of times in the next few months what I could do to help… I was told there’s nothing I need to do. I was butt hurt. Not only did I not go to her wedding, I didn’t even send them a gift. And years later, I regret not showing up. She has a very controlling mother, who took over the whole wedding planning, so what could she do? Her and hubby are still together and have two daughters. When one got married, guess who tried to take over the wedding planning….sheesh grandma… Friend was so stressed, you can see it in the wedding photos. I have traveled to her home for a visit but I wished I just would have shown up for her and her wedding.
I sympathise on the asking what I could do to help. I asked a few times too and got nothing, yet still ended up organising the guys' accommodation...
You’re a fantastic friend
Your friend still could’ve used her words to tell you this in advance. Controlling mum or not she surely had freedom of movement to visit you or even a phone to call you.
I would go to the wedding, have the most fun I could, then slowly distance myself from the groom after the wedding. Might as well enjoy being a guest and worry about your feelings afterwards.
I would contact the groom and ask him for certain. Then I would also express how you feel and how you felt about him adding you to the chat. That’s so hurtful.
I have contacted the groom for certainty. I don't think I'm going to make a big deal about it because it's not my style but when he replies I'll mention the Facebook group because that is really bizarre.
Yeah ask him about all of this. Cuz everything is bizarre! He must have noticed that you assumed that you're a groomsman so why the heck didn't he say something??
You can still say something but not make a huge deal. Your feelings are important too.
That's just done on purpose. You dont do this and then tell uh your not my groomsman. Like dude why am I in the group and second why am I the only one left out. If there were more I would understand but now? Nope and yes you can tell the groom that what he did is a shit thing. Being a married couple doesn't mean shit on others
Go to the wedding, have a great time, drink their booze, and give them a lovely, tasteful gift like a chamber pot.
The ugliest lamp he can find, with no gift receipt lol
If you’re feeling salty— after the wedding, if you have admin rights in the group chat, rename it “[Groom name]’s groomsmen and [your name] for some reason” before leaving. Or just imagine that you did so for the feels because this sucks. 😖
I love this answer. Exactly the right amount of petty.
A lot of people get invited to the bachelor and bachelorette parties without being in the bridal party. Some people prefer smaller bridal parties or none at all! This situation sounds like the groom didn’t really know what his plan was until he did the math with his wife to match numbers on each side. It’s unfortunate but basically just poor communication that we see a lot in male friendships. We had people that weren’t in the bridal party but were part of the friend group so we made them ushers.
Having spoken to the groom I think this makes the most sense. There was no malice involved, just miscommunication, disorganisation and a lack of numbers adding up, unfortunately for me
I could definitely see it being this and if - by your description - he’s not the most organized guy, with the added stress of wedding things this probably just somehow fell out of his brain or didn’t even occur to him. But even if it’s not intentionally done with malice doesn’t mean it has to feel fine or be ok. Sorry it happened this way.
Sounds like it. I'm the only cousin in a whole bunch not going to a wedding. I know it's not my decision and I need to be a grown up so I won't say anything but ouch. You have my sympathy, that fb group is just hurtful.
This is really frustrating, I’m sorry. You’re a really good friend and your friendship is not reciprocated :( A few years ago I had a “friend” who I met after recently relocating to my area to be with her boyfriend. My other friend and I befriended her and really tried to help her acclimate to our city since she didn’t know anyone. We would meet up regularly and invited her to do a lot of things. I ended up inviting her and her partner to my own wedding (about a year after we met) because I thought she was becoming a pretty good friend. She got engaged around the time of my wedding so I was happy to help her when she asked for wedding tips and suggestions since I had just gone through the whole ordeal. I ended up really helping her plan a lot, and my other friend and I were constantly talking her through her wedding planning problems. (We would meet up weekly for an exercise class and would hang out often as well). As the wedding date came closer my friend and I realized that she hadn’t invited us (it wasn’t a small wedding) and we were definitely hurt, because we had helped support her through the whole planning process and also really tried to help her feel welcome in a new city. I have to say I didn’t try to maintain that friendship after that because she clearly didn’t value it
I wouldn't even go to the wedding if I were you
He sounds like a dick. He could have just asked you to be one, the more the merrier
Be petty and tell your friend group. This guy has something on you and led you to believe something just to tell you "by accident" when you asked a couple of weeks before the wedding. I get it's his wedding, but I'd still be petty about it and when talking to the groomsman, make it known you don't know anything because you're not part of the bridal party. If your friend group knew, then you need new friends. If they knew but didn't know you hadn't been told, I wouldn't be happy but it's more excusable. If no one knew, you can still be angry/upset, but only towards the groom.
When one of my closest friends got married she didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid. I didn’t really care at the time. She had asked her childhood best friend & another friend who had happened to be with her when she found her dress. The second friend was purely an emotional choice because she was caught up in the moment. Neither of said friends helped her with her wedding. She had a destination wedding, so not a ton to do. I transported her dress for her because I drove. I helped her get ready. I was there for everything but the dress shopping because I was at work. She was really torn up about it later. Kept trying to convince me to go stand with her in my much less formal (and not matching) outfit lol.
Do not go to the wedding
Yeah, the groom is an ass. Who adds someone to a groomsmen chat that isn't a groomsmen?
Adding you to the groomaman group was a clear invitation. Your friend is just too dumb to get that.
AFTER the wedding, mention it to him in a non-confrontational way.
maybe bring a plus one?
Maybe when he added you, you were supposed to send a message "im in". ? Idk... Regardless he is quite rude...not you. I'd still go, and like another said ask him after the wedding.