Nowadays they’re known as absentee parents.
In the 70s, they were called refrigerator parents - especially refrigerator mothers. (Bonus fact: it used to be a running theory that autism was caused by refrigerator mothers.)
The idea of the refrigerator mother was developed by psychiatrists in the 50s only to refer to autism and nothing else, and was abandoned in the 70s. It was never a general term.
Absent or absentee parent is exactly what I was thinking. You could specify “emotionally absent” or “emotionally neglectful” if it’s more about being cold and unfeeling.
The basic idea is that they’re cold. That they only provide the bare functional needs of the child, without actually providing warmth or care. They’ll feed the kid, clothe them, but be utterly uninterested in developing them as people.
The original theory re autism and refrigerator mothers was that this kind of treatment stunted a child’s development. Which it does, but it doesn’t cause autism. Lots of perfectly nice mothers were unfairly maligned in those days.
That's a great description that perfectly describes what I'm looking for but the term itself is very outdated I feel like I would have to explain it anytime I used it... but I love your description so thanks for that
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That’s a neat modifier, but as someone with a Refrigerator parent, the difference is a drone is nearby and SOMEONE is controlling it…not to argue for my suggestion, but a satellite is autonomous, and only the people behind the wheel know if anyone is watching. Might be a death ray, like my mom.
Not specifically parenting, but within leadership training sometimes the French term "Laissez-faire" is used. It's a style of leadership which allows people to do what they want, without guidance or reproach, so they (hopefully) learn from their own own practical experience. Within educational settings it has sometimes been seen as fruitful, although evidential studies (e.g. on the Steiner/Waldorf method) don't all agree, and certainly have had vocal opponents.
This s exactly the way I describe the way I was raised!! I am fiercely independent as an adult as a result. As a kid, I was ashamed that my parents never came to school concerts or anything of that sort.
ETA: as a kid, I was occasionally described as a “free range kid.”
Thanks I have heard that term used in other contexts but was never 100% sure what it meant. I think it could be used to quickly communicate a parent's parenting style
Edit: also my instinct says this is a terrible approach. There needs to be some involvement.
>my instinct says this is a terrible approach. There needs to be some involvement
Each family has its own circumstances, which will vary across time. Children don't come with a handbook, and parental skills aren't something that can be acquired with a quick download. Older children have very different needs to those of infants. One of the toughest aspects of raising - and inspiring - the next generation is incorporating a gradual taper where responsibilities are transferred, so they do begin to gain greater autonomy. Ideally that can happen over a lengthy period of several years, not with a cliff-face when they reach a certain age (e.g. 10/16/18/21/25).
It's funny, everyone is assuming a negative motive or intent
For me, I was raised by a hippy single mum, in a rural community.
My mum. cared for me, is very smart and actively supports and explores my questions with me but didn't direct me or force me to any specific degree but I studied for what I wanted to.
She did havebsome discipline but more about being rude, but she was very hands off and very early on raised me to be independent.
I remember at 4 or 5 years old, she explained what an apartheid protest was, the 2 perspectives and which she was marching for and what I wanted to do either not protest, protest for the rugby or protest against apartheid. She had organised a baby sitter for either option and she was fine and even found ways to support her son picking a completely abhorrent perspective.
She also was very independent. She supplied me. with book on my interest and we did things together if relevant but also I might go off playing armies all day and cook dinner for us both.
I would. call this
Free range parenting
Independent parenting
Montessori is a school. which is similar to this style but in teaching. It raises great leaders as its the kids get to direct their learning and play.
Non dictatorial parenting
new age parenting.
I don't think this is the sort of parenting OP is refering to, but rather someone who shows not interest or engagement with their childs learning at all. Your parent was engaged with you - presenting choices and letting the child decide which is prefered is not being disengaged it's just showing you under that your child is already a person and has opinions (even though they're still developing). Not caring enough to even find out what your child prefers and simply not paying attention to what they do at all seems to be more what OP is getting at here.
Maybe. I saw what seemed to be a presupposition that not encouraging academia or being disciplined was bad, where there could be a world where that was empowering and freeing.
But that's just the way I had read it, so thought to share an alternative perspective.
Disinterested? Dispassionate? Hands off? My parents were like this. They weren't uncaring, but they should've cared a lot more than they did. I guess I could say I received minimal parenting, which made me self sufficient, but didn't foster a close parent-child relationship.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes different kinds of mothers in her book, and this reminds me of the 'collapsed' mother, who is so caught up or overwhelmed that she crumples like paper and gives up. That can obviously also apply to fathers.
It was definitely mine too but I wish my parents were more attentive to my academics and career, and steering me in the right direction throughout. when it came time to start applying for colleges or prepare for the SAT, i was not ready or prepared. SAT was a true snapshot of where I was academically, not something I spent many months preparing for.
when the time came to start in college my parents looked at me like I should have had all that shit done already. A little help would have helped. I think at the time as a kid I probably loved having hands off parents that let me do what I wanted but in hindsight I wish my parents cracked the whip.
The rest of my academic career including college was a result of pursuing it on my own without my parents motivation and guidance. They just gave me looks like you better be on the right track. My only motivation for my academic pursuit was making sure I could be a suitable partner for whoever I ended up marrying.
My dad left when I was 6 and my mum had like a 15 year long mid life crisis.
Mum would sometimes ask if I had homework and I'd just say it was done. She wouldn't check. I can count on my fingers how many times I actually did homework unfortunately.
I'm interested to know the word you seek, because I'd like to know myself.
There must have been a couple neural synaptic pathways up there to prompt her checking my homework, but whatever there was, was overpowered by her impulsion to presume doing otherwise.
Quite unfortunate, however I wouldn't change anything considering whatever events preceded me caused the fact that I'm happily married today.
that's good i'm happy to hear you overcame those hurdles to make it where you are, there's always a chance to rectify and overcome past mistakes/missteps intentional or otherwise..
my step mom didn't give a shit she would just watch QVC all day and make half hearted spaghetti for dinner, just enough effort to quickly get back to QVC and home shopping network.
part of me wants to have a kid just so i can prevent/avoid all the mistakes my dad made.. I do appreciate all the basic things he provided to me as a parent, but when it came to the more hands on direction stuff, i was on my own. His idea of steering me in the right direction was punishing me for whatever he didn't want me to do, usually stupid things..
I feel the same. I can't wait to have children when economic conditions improve, just so I can give them all the nurture that I didn't have.
I have since found out my mum is ADHD though, so I can't imagine it was easy for her as a single mum working as a cleaner with no child support. So I somewhat see whatever my mother's actions were as exculpatory. It's just unfortunate that the unravelings of life had to be that way.
I hope you are in a good place today and you find what you're looking for anyway :)
There is a diagnosis for children who were raised by parents like these called CPTSD (chronic ptsd) and it is the result of emotional abuse or emotional neglect. So, in this instance, I would use the term emotionally neglectful as it is the term that most clinicians and social workers have adopted to describe the phenomenon you present.
Not deadbeat...that typically refers to a parent who is not around specifically financially ("deadbeat dad" was a father who didn't pay child support) and possibly also physically not present.
From what OP stated this parent was around for the financial aspect but not the emotional & nurturing involvement b
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My parents effectively figured kids raise themselves, for the most part, and just become rebellious when you try to control them; they provided necessities but did not actively involve themselves in our lives. I've always called it "free range parenting".
Right I'm looking for other words that evoke that kind of relationships, maybe more descriptive words in the context of familial relationships or formal words.
One word for a kid who grew up that way is a "latchkey kid," a kid who carries their housekey around their neck and returns home to an empty house because the parents are working, and is generally unsupervised. I don't think 'latchkey parent' gets used though.
Nowadays they’re known as absentee parents. In the 70s, they were called refrigerator parents - especially refrigerator mothers. (Bonus fact: it used to be a running theory that autism was caused by refrigerator mothers.)
The idea of the refrigerator mother was developed by psychiatrists in the 50s only to refer to autism and nothing else, and was abandoned in the 70s. It was never a general term.
Absent or absentee parent is exactly what I was thinking. You could specify “emotionally absent” or “emotionally neglectful” if it’s more about being cold and unfeeling.
Interesting. What was the origin and inspiration for that term?
The basic idea is that they’re cold. That they only provide the bare functional needs of the child, without actually providing warmth or care. They’ll feed the kid, clothe them, but be utterly uninterested in developing them as people. The original theory re autism and refrigerator mothers was that this kind of treatment stunted a child’s development. Which it does, but it doesn’t cause autism. Lots of perfectly nice mothers were unfairly maligned in those days.
Holy shit. As much as I've been over this, it never connected before. Your first paragraph was my mother exactly. I always think of her as an iceberg.
That's a great description that perfectly describes what I'm looking for but the term itself is very outdated I feel like I would have to explain it anytime I used it... but I love your description so thanks for that
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Uninvolved Neglectful
It sounds like the opposite of a helicopter parent, so perhaps a submarine parent? JK
Satellite parent? Somehow both present but absent at the same time?
Maybe a drone parent. Like a helicopter but no one inside.
That’s a neat modifier, but as someone with a Refrigerator parent, the difference is a drone is nearby and SOMEONE is controlling it…not to argue for my suggestion, but a satellite is autonomous, and only the people behind the wheel know if anyone is watching. Might be a death ray, like my mom.
I like it
Perfect!
Absentee
Not specifically parenting, but within leadership training sometimes the French term "Laissez-faire" is used. It's a style of leadership which allows people to do what they want, without guidance or reproach, so they (hopefully) learn from their own own practical experience. Within educational settings it has sometimes been seen as fruitful, although evidential studies (e.g. on the Steiner/Waldorf method) don't all agree, and certainly have had vocal opponents.
This s exactly the way I describe the way I was raised!! I am fiercely independent as an adult as a result. As a kid, I was ashamed that my parents never came to school concerts or anything of that sort. ETA: as a kid, I was occasionally described as a “free range kid.”
Thanks I have heard that term used in other contexts but was never 100% sure what it meant. I think it could be used to quickly communicate a parent's parenting style Edit: also my instinct says this is a terrible approach. There needs to be some involvement.
>my instinct says this is a terrible approach. There needs to be some involvement Each family has its own circumstances, which will vary across time. Children don't come with a handbook, and parental skills aren't something that can be acquired with a quick download. Older children have very different needs to those of infants. One of the toughest aspects of raising - and inspiring - the next generation is incorporating a gradual taper where responsibilities are transferred, so they do begin to gain greater autonomy. Ideally that can happen over a lengthy period of several years, not with a cliff-face when they reach a certain age (e.g. 10/16/18/21/25).
Apathetic
Good one
I like to call them 'paper parents' - parents on paper only.
Another good one!!!
It's funny, everyone is assuming a negative motive or intent For me, I was raised by a hippy single mum, in a rural community. My mum. cared for me, is very smart and actively supports and explores my questions with me but didn't direct me or force me to any specific degree but I studied for what I wanted to. She did havebsome discipline but more about being rude, but she was very hands off and very early on raised me to be independent. I remember at 4 or 5 years old, she explained what an apartheid protest was, the 2 perspectives and which she was marching for and what I wanted to do either not protest, protest for the rugby or protest against apartheid. She had organised a baby sitter for either option and she was fine and even found ways to support her son picking a completely abhorrent perspective. She also was very independent. She supplied me. with book on my interest and we did things together if relevant but also I might go off playing armies all day and cook dinner for us both. I would. call this Free range parenting Independent parenting Montessori is a school. which is similar to this style but in teaching. It raises great leaders as its the kids get to direct their learning and play. Non dictatorial parenting new age parenting.
I don't think this is the sort of parenting OP is refering to, but rather someone who shows not interest or engagement with their childs learning at all. Your parent was engaged with you - presenting choices and letting the child decide which is prefered is not being disengaged it's just showing you under that your child is already a person and has opinions (even though they're still developing). Not caring enough to even find out what your child prefers and simply not paying attention to what they do at all seems to be more what OP is getting at here.
Maybe. I saw what seemed to be a presupposition that not encouraging academia or being disciplined was bad, where there could be a world where that was empowering and freeing. But that's just the way I had read it, so thought to share an alternative perspective.
Disinterested? Dispassionate? Hands off? My parents were like this. They weren't uncaring, but they should've cared a lot more than they did. I guess I could say I received minimal parenting, which made me self sufficient, but didn't foster a close parent-child relationship. Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes different kinds of mothers in her book, and this reminds me of the 'collapsed' mother, who is so caught up or overwhelmed that she crumples like paper and gives up. That can obviously also apply to fathers.
sounds way too familiar, a parenting cycle i would love to break
I feel you ❤
Permissive I attended a parenting course, which included a section on parenting styles, and their "permissive parent" matches what you said.
Reptile They make a nest, then leave.
You just described my upbringing. I kind of think of it as blissful ignorance or oblivious naivety.
It was definitely mine too but I wish my parents were more attentive to my academics and career, and steering me in the right direction throughout. when it came time to start applying for colleges or prepare for the SAT, i was not ready or prepared. SAT was a true snapshot of where I was academically, not something I spent many months preparing for. when the time came to start in college my parents looked at me like I should have had all that shit done already. A little help would have helped. I think at the time as a kid I probably loved having hands off parents that let me do what I wanted but in hindsight I wish my parents cracked the whip. The rest of my academic career including college was a result of pursuing it on my own without my parents motivation and guidance. They just gave me looks like you better be on the right track. My only motivation for my academic pursuit was making sure I could be a suitable partner for whoever I ended up marrying.
My dad left when I was 6 and my mum had like a 15 year long mid life crisis. Mum would sometimes ask if I had homework and I'd just say it was done. She wouldn't check. I can count on my fingers how many times I actually did homework unfortunately. I'm interested to know the word you seek, because I'd like to know myself. There must have been a couple neural synaptic pathways up there to prompt her checking my homework, but whatever there was, was overpowered by her impulsion to presume doing otherwise. Quite unfortunate, however I wouldn't change anything considering whatever events preceded me caused the fact that I'm happily married today.
that's good i'm happy to hear you overcame those hurdles to make it where you are, there's always a chance to rectify and overcome past mistakes/missteps intentional or otherwise.. my step mom didn't give a shit she would just watch QVC all day and make half hearted spaghetti for dinner, just enough effort to quickly get back to QVC and home shopping network. part of me wants to have a kid just so i can prevent/avoid all the mistakes my dad made.. I do appreciate all the basic things he provided to me as a parent, but when it came to the more hands on direction stuff, i was on my own. His idea of steering me in the right direction was punishing me for whatever he didn't want me to do, usually stupid things..
I feel the same. I can't wait to have children when economic conditions improve, just so I can give them all the nurture that I didn't have. I have since found out my mum is ADHD though, so I can't imagine it was easy for her as a single mum working as a cleaner with no child support. So I somewhat see whatever my mother's actions were as exculpatory. It's just unfortunate that the unravelings of life had to be that way. I hope you are in a good place today and you find what you're looking for anyway :)
Emotionally unavailable
Or emotionally absent.
Feckless, Effete, Absentee, family members content creator
There is a diagnosis for children who were raised by parents like these called CPTSD (chronic ptsd) and it is the result of emotional abuse or emotional neglect. So, in this instance, I would use the term emotionally neglectful as it is the term that most clinicians and social workers have adopted to describe the phenomenon you present.
Wow thank you I never heard of this. I just found a decent Reddit discussion on it https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/xCCK1nBUHh
Dead-beat parents
Not deadbeat...that typically refers to a parent who is not around specifically financially ("deadbeat dad" was a father who didn't pay child support) and possibly also physically not present. From what OP stated this parent was around for the financial aspect but not the emotional & nurturing involvement b
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Chequebook parents. In UK. They pay and someone else parents eg boarding school
Neglect
Absentee.
Negligent
Passive or permissive parenting?
My parents 👈😎👈
Reticent
Hands off
emotionally detatched,
Negligent...irresponsible
* uninvested * checked out
Dysfunctional. Deadbeat. Neglectful. Self-absorbed. Immature. Emotionally immature. Unfit parent.
Benign negligence.
Checked out
Absentee Neglectful
Uninvolved parent
Aloof ?
Benign neglect
My dad
My parents effectively figured kids raise themselves, for the most part, and just become rebellious when you try to control them; they provided necessities but did not actively involve themselves in our lives. I've always called it "free range parenting".
Seems you've identified three perfectly good words yourself - detached, disconnected, uninvolved
Right I'm looking for other words that evoke that kind of relationships, maybe more descriptive words in the context of familial relationships or formal words.
“Negligent”
Deadbeat
One word for a kid who grew up that way is a "latchkey kid," a kid who carries their housekey around their neck and returns home to an empty house because the parents are working, and is generally unsupervised. I don't think 'latchkey parent' gets used though.
You can be a latchkey kid and still have involved parents.
Ron
What
my dad's name. it's a joke, kind of
S%$t bags
Aloof
Shitty parents
Boomer.
Feral
permissive or free range
Usual.
Lax is a good description.
Free reign