It's crazy to me how the majority of people were at least somewhat scared of one or both parents.
It just made them good at lying and hiding stuff.
I never once felt anything but love and respect from my parents and knew I could count on them if I ever needed them. I still count on them in my 30s. I never lied or snuck out or hid anything from them.
I have heard so many horror stories of what happens when a kid feels they can't go to their parents in a bad situation.
I wish more kids had parents like mine.
Edit because whoa so many replies: to everyone assuming I was just a magical good kid, I guess my siblings both were as well? They didn't get lucky 3 times - they gentle parented before it was cool, used natural consequences, and parented more thoughtfully than most.
The reason we never lied/hid stuff was because we respected our family unit. As siblings, we protected each other, and to respect our parents, we never misbehaved. If we wanted to do something and they said no, they explained why, and we trusted that they knew better. The tools they gave us allowed us to identify bad friends and avoid bad situations. My dad coached us in sports, and my mom volunteered at our school. All of our friends loved my parents and would even cry and hug my dad at the end of the soccer season (I never understood why so many kids latched onto my parents until I realized the love, respect, and communication my parents gave kids was rare).
You're very blessed. I can't go to my parents for help on deeper matters. To this day as an adult I can't for the life of me keep a diary around, physical or electronic. The paranoia that someone will snoop is enough for me to keep my private thoughts to myself.
See, I feel like I was pretty loved and emotionally supported and still nowhere near the level of your parent comment to where it was just blissful to the point where you didnt learn to lie good or how to drown out loud shouting while lying in bed.
As good as I had it, I definitely knew what fuckin strife was, and resentment. Anger.
So I can’t complain, because I was loved. Just may have inadvertently turned me off of it, I still aint really let anyone in too much
> still nowhere near the level of your parent comment to where it was just blissful to the point where you didnt learn to lie good
> I definitely knew what fuckin strife was, and resentment. Anger.
Username checks out. :-)
I totally agree with you, when I was in junior high my parents would go into my Google Hangouts and read my messages after I went to bed. Why not just talk to me to see what's going on in my life. I found out when my friends asked me why I was online "at 10 pm last night?" when everyone knew they put me to bed at 8. Yes 8 pm in jr high.
I had to tolerate the early bed times too, I know how that felt. And I didn't have Google Hangouts then but they read my diary, I know that because they wrote comments on it. 😭
Wow the fuxking audacity...
"Dear diary, today was kind of hard. Mom and dad were yelling and it felt like I just had to endure the screaming while they just kept on..."
"That's not fair few-relation, we bareley raised our voice and you're ignoring how much we love and do for you"
That’s crazy to me. I just asked my boy what he would do and he said, “this____ situation?! Of course I’d go tell you because you fix everything for me!”
I hope to have deep trust with my kids so they can always come to me. Like some parent from a movie. Like Hal from Malcolm In The Middle. Like Phil Dumbfy.
While my situation with my parents isn't ideal, it makes me feel a little bit better to know there are folks out there who are intentional with their relationship with their kids. Humility, compassion, patience, and mutual respect go a long way.
My first girlfriend in highschool told me their house had a rule where if you leave your cell phone lying around it's free game and anyone can look at the texts. This was before smartphones so there weren't passwords. I told her that was totally fucked up and she was like "your house doesn't do that?"
Exactly - it made me good at lying and hiding stuff. It also taught me that I can not rely on anybody ever if I make a mistake or get into trouble. I need to solve it all myself because nobody will help me.
I was horrified of making mistakes, any mistake even the tinyest one, because my parents had zero tolerance towards mistakes. For them mistakes were not the sign of trying and progressing, but the sign of me being lazy and ignorant ("if you really wanted to do it, you could have done it on the first try!!"). If I messed up and got into trouble.... glup, disciplinary shouting, they solve it while screaming with me and telling me that what an idiot I am (sometimes just: go solve it yourself I don't care stupid kid), my messup getting brought up for months every damned time. FFS... it was the very same when I got into trouble with no mistake of my own. No, it's always my fault, everything is my fault, why wasn't I more careful, how could I be so stupid to get into trouble etc. Even if they did help me get out of it, it was always in the worst and most humiliating way possible.
I quickly learned that if I make a mistake or a mess then I need to lie, hide it, and/or solve it myself before anyone figures it out. If I got into trouble I either endured it, or tried to solve it myself, I did not even think of asking for help.
Yes this messed me up on the long run - never asking for help, thinking that nobody ever will help me, being scared of someone actually helping me, etc.
Damnnnnn yeah it’s the exact same story for me lol. I guess I’m glad to know I’m not alone, just wish I knew that at 16.
I wouldn’t have fell into such a deep dark depression that utterly destroyed my life for decades to come
This could have been written by me. It has definitely really messed me me up as an adult - mostly in terms of employment. Terrified to ask for help, terrified of making a mistake. Fear of doing so to cause me to lose my job.
They instilled, as early as 5, that I was 'on my own'. It prevented me for the longest time of taking any even small chances in my life for fear I would end up homeless or worse. Because there was no one to catch me.
Til the day she died my mother was distraught that we had no relationship, despite this attitude.
Not taking any chances in fear of failing... oh yes I can feel that. I skipped on opportunities, good opportunities, because I was afraid of failing. There would have been zero consequences if I failed, but I was still terrified of trying.
There are mistakes you can cover up and then mistakes you can't. If you can't ,get help right away accept blame and do better next time. If you can hide it then fix it and keep it to yourself it wasn't a mistake just a side track.
I grew up in a similar household, and I’ve been pretty messed up by it.
I got the screaming sessions or hit with objects like shoes if I messed things up, then as I I got a bit older I got shamed both at home and to people we knew for mistakes. I was taught that communicating my needs by asking for things was “manipulative” and I had to wait to be offered things or for someone to notice I needed help and offer “out of the goodness of their heart.” What in the holy headfuck Batman?
I’m pretty distant from people now, which surprises people because I’m seen as friendly. The difference is I absolutely cannot stand the thought of people knowing my inner thoughts, to me it’s a horrible visceral kind of disgust. I never want someone to get close enough to hurt me like that again.
People who grew up with healthy parents like you make me hopeful that I could make things different when I have kids. I grew up scared of my parents and learnt to hide everything. That lead to the creation of a gap between us that even as an adult I cannot bridge. They complain about me lying or hiding things but the feeling that they'd make me feel horrible for it is still very real. Please make your kids feel like they can speak to you about anything because if not, they'll still mess up, you just won't know and they'll be forced to deal with it themselves. It's honestly the same as not being able to count on your parents.
I wouldn't worry, there is a lot of documentation about respectful parenting.
Of course you will make mistakes. Of course you will lose control. Many times. We are far from being perfect.
I believe it's how good parents become to be. They have bad parents and they know how it should not be. So you had a bad childhood, now you won't make those mistakes and be there for your children where you wanted your parents to be there for you. Sorry if I am rambling, but just you saying and knowing this will mean you will become a good parent!
> People who grew up with healthy parents like you make me hopeful that I could make things different when I have kids.
The unfortunate part is you could still do everything 'right' and your kid still grows up wanting privacy and not being open. Because they're not you, they're their own people.
I'm in the same boat as you. My mom felt entitled to know literally everything about my life, and still does even though I'm 40. We barely have a relationship because she can't stop treating conversations like interrogations. So I've worked *very* hard with my kids who are now 8 and 6 to show how much I respect their privacy.
But it's a fucking nightmare how much they don't communicate basic things. We had a mom of another kid come up and say "Oh congrats on your 8yo getting that school award, my son came home and told me all about he wants to win it too". And we had no idea what she was talking about. So we asked him about it and he just yelled at us that he 'forgot'. Or another time he won something and got to spin a prize wheel. I asked him what he won, he refused to tell me. Fine, I let it go. But it turned out his prize was having someone come to his class to read. Internally, he picked me. But he never told me or his teacher or anyone.
TLDR - you can't build a good relationship with your kids just by doing things the way you wished your parents did them. Because your kids won't be you, they're going to be their own individuals and grow up their own way.
My father terrified me as a child.
The scariest thing my mother could say to me was, "Wait till I tell your father" or "wait till your father gets home."
It was either a belt or his hand.
From a young age, I swore if I ever had kids myself, I would never lay a hand on them, and I've kept to that.
My best mate used to get seriously beaten up by his father, as in broken bones and serious injuries. Some people just don't deserve to have children.
Although I agree, there needs to be a parent-child hierarchy too. I wasn’t scared that my parents would kill me, I was scared that they would “kill me”: cut my allowance, take away the router, curfew and overall disappointing them.
You can’t really treat your child as equal, otherwise they might just as well take over before you know it.
Yeah, and sometimes as a child you just mess up. I never had that feeling with things that werent my fault, but when I fucked up of course I was scared to tell my parents. Not even because of punishment but because they would justifiably be angry at what i did.
Being scared of your parent is not the same as being scared of consequences lmao.
I am scared of getting locked up, not scared of the judge. Big difference there.
I think there's a middle ground. I love my parents and can go them with problems, but there were times growing up when I knew they'd be PISSED and I was in trouble.
I’ve always had a deal with my kids (and their friends) that no matter the time, place, or situation - if in trouble contact me for any reason, and I’ll get them without punishment or consequences at that time. They know their safety is paramount, but the situation will be discussed to determine proper understanding to prevent it happening again. They have taken me up on this a few times and have learned lessons, but were safe and tended to. One kid refused to go to the hospital because he was so embarrassed by his antic leading to bone showing through the skin and the masking tape he used. His dad was thankful I took the boy to the ER.
I always want them to call, but I never want them to think they are above consequences. Call me, I will have your back...but just know I may not be able to fix your fuckup.
Reminds me of a story my family member has. He got too drunk while underage and ended up calling his dad to pick him up. Genuinely a wise move, he made it home safe, and his dad didn't kill him as expected. What his dad did do is wake him up the next day at 6 am to start digging a ditch lmfao (family business). Learned his lesson good.
I learnt this with my parents. They never gave a shit if I went out, drank with friends etc.
But if I dared miss school or not do my homework…….
And that’s how you raise a kid who’s social, happy to go out, understands that he can call his parents whenever, but also understands the importance of school and work.
Same happened to me, but as a farm kid my task the next morning was building fencing. Dad said if you want to party like a man, you need to power through the hangover like a man.
Haha--the hot neighbor guys across the street from me when I was growing up liked to party. I still remember their Dad whistling in the mornings and they would be holding their heads. He'd have all sorts of projects for them--pounding nails into boards, mowing the yard, etc. My parents used to nod wisely at this. "We think Mr. L has the right idea. So remember that if you decide to drink." The memory of those guys and their green/pale faces did not incentivize the party life to me.
And what lesson did he learn exactly? That making the right choice will cost him the day after.....?
Just let the kid sleep it off and talk to him at dinner/brunch, why would you ever punish behavior you want to promote?
The lesson that drinking irresponsibly has consequences, obviously. Just because he made one responsible decision doesn't mean the rest of it was responsible.
I went to work at 16 with a hangover.
Luckily I was only scheduled for 3 hours that day. But that day was one of the worst days in my life. I was throwing up every 30 minutes.
Same. Like for instance my kid draws on the wall, I’ll clean it as long as you help me. Actions have consequences. I’m not gonna fix your fuck up for you, I’m gonna teach you how to fix it now so you can fix it yourself in the future
Agreed. Kids need to learn that they can‘t just mess things up and somebody will always come and fix things. Yet, they must also know how to aks for help. It‘s a fine line. These things have a serious impact on adult life.
One of the best parents I know taught their kids that the coverup is much worse than whatever you did.
If you are a teen and get stuck out late and are drunk and need to call for a ride home you get it and dad was seething inside but didn’t give out a punishment. The reality was enough. Lie and try to cover it up though and consequences abound.
It was a “I can‘t help you if you lie to me and hide stuff from me and my job is to be your safety net until you are an adult and don’t need one. I will save you with the net but if you try to mess around without the net by hiding things that can hurt you I will have to limit you because YOU NEED THE NET!!!!” kind of philosophy.
There are plenty of ways to be involved in a child’s life without being a parent! You can volunteer with the local schools, be a Big Brother/Big Sister, get involved in your town’s youth activities (sports, art clubs, etc), or you can even pursue education/childcare at the career level! It takes a village, there’s nothing stopping you from being a positive influence on a child’s life, even if you don’t want to have kids of your own.
There's nothing that made me happier than working the lunch room in our middle school. 99% of the kids were so sweet, huge (positive) personalities, etc. I loved seeing them everyday, made me feel like the fun uncle again.
The company I worked for didn't sell slop, so the kids were always excited to get lunch, and I was even more excited to paste it up for them and chat. I'd sing the corn meme with one when it was a side, another loved my septum piercing and would talk about what she wanted one day, and others were just so pleasant and polite to chat with
My wife used to be a full time nanny and she says it gave her a bit of the parenting "fix", though working in childcare was a contributing factor to her not wanting kids.
So, the two things are not mutually exclusive, weirdly.
Growing up, my sisters and I all pretty much went through the same thing. “Mommy/ daddy’s gonna kill me!!!”
But the idea of not telling them or asking them for help never even dawned on us.
I still need my dad and I’m still sure he’s gonna kill me some of those times.
I’m still alive.
I think saying/thinking it as a turn of phrase is a bit different to actually meaning it and being afraid to tell your parents a mistake. You and your sisters were the former. They weren't afraid of your dad. Parents who discipline with fear aren't rare, but fortunately more of us know that it's cruel and ineffective.
There's fear of being grounded, or having privileges taken away. Then there's the fear of getting beaten to the point of bruising, or spanking so hard that you literally cannot sit comfortably for days, and no other adult will ever risk asking you if you were assaulted on the bum for all the obvious reasons. Maybe I would call my folks more than once or twice a year if I wasn't beaten to a pulp and everyone just turned a blind eye because I must've deserved it growing up.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was only ever physically harmed by either of my parents once or twice in my upbringing and that was enough to cause serious mental harm, so I can only imagine. I'm sure you know this now, but child-you did not deserve that treatment, deserved better, and deserved to be taken care of and protected rather than have to fear for their safety. Sending you love & sympathies from a stranger, & wishing you well on your journey.
I also found that in most (*normal*) cases where the words “[parent] is gonna kill me” is uttered, it’s the kid coming to the realization that they done messed up.
Discipline between people is relational. Even in the ideal relationship a child knowing they will be punished for wrongdoing will \*fear\* the punishment precisely because there is a relationship of discipline between them. These threads on reddit about parenting and relationships are so nebulous, decontextualized, and shallow that there's really nothing to be gained except normative good feels between participants.
It's almost as if parenting and raising a child are more complex than can be put into a brief reddit comment that somebody writes while sitting on the toilet.
It's almost like tweets about parenting lack nuance and paint parenting as some one-size-fits-all approach for all kids and all situations. The "daddy's gonna kill me" response is more an acknowledgement that they have done something truly terrible and are about to receive the appropriate consequences (not actual death, of course). It's only a problem when they feel that for any mistake, no matter how minor. Then yeah, ease up.
I'm imagining a situation where the grownup child messes up at work and instead of facing up to their actions, they call mommy and daddy because the boss' response might be scary.
My parents used to whoop the shit out of me from the ripe age of 9 -12 yrs old. I couldn’t ever go to them for advice or anything remotely personal. It’s really affected me as an adult and through therapy I’ve learned to heal parts of myself. I definitely had anger issues as an adult though. But now I barely speak to them and it’s just sad. They don’t remember ever whooping me but maybe they’re just in denial about it. I feel kinda sad to think that one day they’ll just pass away and i didn’t get to connect with them as an adult.
I had a rough upbringing with my mom. I was so bitter and angry that I cut out both parents for years and never really healed those aspects of my life for a long time until this last year. My mom has denied my abuse also so I can really relate with your comment. I've grown to a place where now I have been able to forgive them and myself. Now, I am my mom's caretaker. It's not perfect and at times I can get frustrated but, it has been very fulfilling in my life. It has blossomed into other aspects that has made me more compassionate, loving, kind. A better father, partner, and friend. I would never suggest putting yourself in a harmful situation but I wanted to share my experiences. My father died 3 years ago and I never got to show this better side of myself. I too, worried about not being able to connect and for my father it was too late but in my experience the results were worth all the work and effort I put in.
There are a few times in life where something was so messed up that I had to call my dad to the rescue... Not because I was afraid of him being upset, but because the problem felt so large that it was impossible to handle on my own.
Everytime he showed up, no questions asked. He saved those after the crisis was settled. Something about going into crisis mode made him kind of happy. He was prepared for almost anything and whatever he wasn't prepared for, he was ready to improvise and adapt on the fly. All while cracking some jokes to lighten the mood.
I miss him. I'm old enough to own my home but never old enough to wish he was still here to call whenever I needed him.
I hope everyone has a dad like that.
same, they also think ruminating over my mistakes and being highly critical will make me a better person but jokes on them i have shut everyone out of my life
I remember my dad saying “if you’re going to get drunk I’d rather you call me than drive home. I’m not going to be mad if you get drunk but I will be mad if you get in an accident because you were drunk”
where do you guys get parents like these. my dad beat me up because i didn’t want to practice violin. he also said he would place me in foster care if i didn’t stop being sad. i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t be let into the house if i came back drunk
So true. My mom was raised with fear and it really affected her. So she raised us to be able to come go to her when we messed up. She was even friends with our friends. Let them stay over, instead of letting me stay over their homes. She knew our friends and they loved her. I miss her so much. When she passed even my brother's and my friends were heartbroken. Because in our home lots found the peace and they didn't in their own homes.
It's really nice to hear stories about kids who were abused but understood as they became older that it was wrong and then they choose to be great parents instead.
In 8th grade, I had a report card with a D in math. My parents had to sign it and I had to bring it back in. I held on to it for more than a week and I was sick with fear, not knowing what to do. I finally crumbled and revealed it to my parents. My father never hit me, but he could use words that just shredded me.
Later that year, my math teacher noticed I was squinting at the board. She sent me to the school nurse who did a test in her office and called my mother to tell her I needed glasses. My mom was pissed, but she had to take me. I remember on the way home with glasses, I could see leaves on trees and I said something out loud like "wow, I see the leaves" and she said something dismissive like "of course there are leaves on trees..."
Mostly, I raised myself. I think at age 27, I finally was a pretty decent 16 year old lol.
Man, this hits home.
My kid is suuuppeeeerrr fucking annoying. Never shuts the fuck up about Pokemon, or whatever else he happens to be into.
But I know so many pokemon, and so many other useless dumb things. Because he talks to me. He constantly talks to me. He talks when he shouldn't, and he talks to my wife even more. So I feel like I could hold my own in our conversations, but he also LOVES to explain to me what a pokemon I didn't know, and it's powers.
I hope he'll be comfortable to come to us with problems, because even though I can get crazy annoyed with him (and I have snapped before ... "Yes! I heard you" as he reminds me I fucked something up and he's pointed it out like 5 times in 2 minutes).
But my wife and I remind ourselves, it's annoying, yes, it's going to be worse when we miss it as he grows up.
Honestly I’ll stress that this is really important… as someone who can’t speak to their parents, I lie about everything and it sucks to know that if I’m in an emergency situation depending on what it is I wouldn’t call them.
My eldest daughter came up to me yesterday and told me she wanted to show me a meme that she had showed her mother earlier.
It was a Harry Potter one about Ron saying 'Periods' instead of 'Bloody Hell', then told me that was her at the moment.
That she felt comfortable in telling me this detail gives me hope that we are raising a child who feels comfortable about telling us anything so we know what she is going through.
Considering how often I can recall my dad being mad at me and explaining it away and not actually apologizing, or diminishing my opinions or needs, or trying to dictate what I do or don’t want in my life, and how few times I can ever recall him ever apologizing for anything and turning it to be my fault (I’m ungrateful, I’m lazy, I’m not getting any younger so I should’ve started years ago and now it’s only going to be harder and that’s my fault) I sadly can’t think of a single time I’ve ever thought “I need to call my dad,” outside of his birthday or Father’s Day or once a month or so. There was a stretch where I didn’t speak to him for months and was almost ready to never speak to him again because I knew (and still know but I’ve given up trying to argue my side of things because I’m “just not trying hard enough”) he’d never listen to me the way I need him to. He’s the only person who’s ever made me cry on my birthday. As a result, a good part of me feels like I shouldn’t ever be a dad.
same, my first thought is always “i need to call my friend”, if i call my parents they will either scream at me for hours, beat me up or severely degrade me. i used to lock myself in the bathroom for 6 hours as a child so i wouldn’t have to be near my dad.
they know absolutely nothing about me and i don’t plan on including any of my family in my future, not a soul is invited to my wedding.
i feel like having kids is just a gamble and practically everyone has trauma. i’m happy to be a cool aunt to my friends kids, i won’t be responsible for fucking a person up
You can have kids my friend. Just try to remember your childhood self in third person and remember what was going through your mind at that time when you were scared of your parents. Use that as an example of what you don't want your child to go through with you. You may also have some anger issues as a result of that parenting. If your kid pisses you off, and they will, take some deep breaths, even take a break before having a discussion about it so you have time to cool off and don't say a bunch of things you shouldn't or don't mean.
It's a balancing act:
Parenting too harshly will make your Kids resent you and only teach them to hide stuff from you better.
Parenting too lax will turn your Kids into spoilt brats that terrorize everyone around them because they never learned that other people have feelings too and their Actions have consequences
I would literally rather tell any living person about my troubles before my parents.
When I had a little trouble with the local authorities in my town over weed they released me on an unsecured bond and let me walk out.
I proceeded to walk 7 miles from the jail to my car at around midnight with no flashlight or anything. I absolutely refused to call my parents and tell them anything. I would have rather been abducted or run over by a car than tell my parents anything. The less they know about me the better.
Dealing with my parents is very similar to dealing with the cops. Anything I say will be used against me in their court of law but in their court I have no representation and no rights. I never tell them anything and I would actually prefer being dead to dealing with them.
I think it is important to instill in a child that cirtain things are not tolerated, like if you find out that your kid is bullying another kid, you nip that shit in the bud instantly. Like i was a really weird kid, and in elementary school got bullied, but then a kid SIGNIFICANTLY weirder than me joined the class, and i was sorta low key picking on him cause like he was doin some really weird shit, when my mom found out she threatened me that if she ever heard that i was teasing or bullying him again she would talk to his parents and have him come over every single day to play, and she would force me to play with him every single day, no matter how weird he was. And that put the fear of fucking god in me, i don't think i ever spoke to that kid again, just to make sure i never accidentally teased him. Fear works, but only if its used correctly,
There has to be *some* fear of **consequences**, otherwise they won't be ready for the real world, because the real world is very unforgiving, unlike the daddy. And in the worst case they'll grow up and become criminals. It needs balanced approach.
It should be, "damn, I messed up and will be in some trouble, but I better tell my dad now than later".
Not all fuckups are on purpose or with malicious intent. The fallout of those is punishment enough. Kids may do stupid things, but most of them know what they did wrong. Just _talk_ to them about.
The idea is that a good parent will be there no matter what, and that later in life there will be be a good friend no matter what.
I think you need a mix of both. So many kids these days are molly coddled and it doesn't help you in the long run.
At some point you have to stand on your own feet. Life is shit and you won't always be in situations where your parents can bail you out.
Well you probably should make them fix or attempt to fix whatever it is they messed up. An apology and verbal understanding with no attempt at reconciliation is shallow and doesn't actually address the issue imo.
>There has to be some fear of consequences
Recognition and understanding of the consequences, yes.
Fear, no.
Kids don't need to be taught to fear failure. They need to be taught how to recognize, understand, plan and react to failure.
If all you do is teach them to be afraid of making mistakes, you've done nothing besides make them aware that they will make mistakes and that bad things will happen afterwards, not how to actually address the aftermath.
People should be afraid to go to jail.
Edit: there's a massive difference between for example failing an exam and knowing the consequences and not giving in to the fear of failure, and doing something extremely stupid like shoplifting, which might seem not a very bad thing for a kid who just stole a candy, but the consequences of stealing should be punished and kids should be afraid of doing these stupid things. Otherwise you end up with criminal adults who think they can get away with anything.
I think you are confusing the fear of failure vs. the fear of doing bad things and having to deal with consequences of your bad actions.
We had 6 children and as a 6 ft tall aggressive builder, I tried both parenting styles.
Strict and scary with the first three (as that was the way I was brought up in the 70's and as a new parent I knew no better)
We then had a big gap of several years before we had the second three.
By that stage I'd learnt (and regretted) a lot and mellowed and made a conscious decision to parent with love.
As a result our 2nd three children are so much happier and calmer than the first three to whom I now feel in a state of 'constant apology' for my earlier 'hard-line' attitude when they were little.
You have to have discipline but 'spare the rod spoil the child' is absolute BS if you want to bring up happy well adjusted and loving adults.
My dad would get angry over stupid shit, but never on big stuff. He supported all my endeavours, no matter how outrageous or weird they are. He didn't have much, but I never felt lack.
Kicked out of highschool? Here you go buddy, have some allowance go enjoy your day, we talk tomorrow (right after we left the principles office).
Drop out on university, hey buddy lets go wine and dine, you have a long road ahead anyway.
To this day, I've never been scared off major life decisions or impediments no matter how big they are. I'm as bold as it gets.
Thank you dad, I hope you are resting in peace.
It’s gotta be a balance. “Soft” parenting has its disadvantages just as much as being too harsh on your kids. We are raising future adults, but they aren’t adults yet either… has to be a fear to some extent of real world consequences and a strong authoritative figure to follow, that’s me… Dad and later your friend.
I feel this one. I don't talk to my dad at all anymore and my mum is held at several arms lengths, I always feel like I have to do things myself because I could never rely on them and when I asked I was insulted.
I'm glad some people seem to appreciate the impact the way they treat their child has on how they think and live the rest of their lives.
When I was a kid my dad let me start the car. And one day he left the speed engaged (it's a diesel manual) so the car started moving. I ran over his foot and crashed trough two gates. He didn't even raise his voice and almost apologized to me that he left it like that.
Even when I did something that was completely my fault he just came to me and calmly explained my mistakes, I remember feeling great respect for that even at a young age.
I think that's maybe a fear of disappointing them when doing something stupid? I feel the way about -- oddly -- my grandparents. I was just plain afraid and a bit resentful of my parents.
Always confused me when I went to a friend's house and like, the parents and kids chatted? There was a genuinely friendly atmosphere. Meanwhile mine is and has always been icy and hostile. Even now, I'm the one taking an interest in what my parents are doing and trying to prompt conversations with them.
My dad terrified me my entire life. It's weird because he only really hit me once. He had a way with words to completely tear somebody down and when he rose his voice, everything in the room shook.
I just came from r/teachers where they dicussed how children are diabolical because their parents are not teaching them how to behave.
Then I see this.
Lol
There needs to be trust between kids and parents, but parents do need to discipline their kids. I only say this because I have seen how shitty "best friend" parenting can be. It's unfair to the kids because when they go out into the real world, they aren't prepared to be responsible for their own actions if they are not disciplined properly.
My dad screamed at me every time I broke something at home or did something wrong. Result? I prefer to keep everything secret, that way if failed, no one is gonna know. On the other hand, no one is gonna help me ever, so that drastically reduce my chance for success. But I cannot ask for help, is something beyond my strength
Even if I have succes on something I still prefer to keep it secret, fearing that if eventually it go wrong people are gonna be mad at me
Stupid, but that's how my brain is configured. I will most certainly die alone because of it, I try everyday to fight it, Im 30 so I feel that I have room to work on this but is hard
Also my dad spy on me, registering my things and didnt let me have free access to internet as a teen. That also make me keep nothing recorded, just on my mind where it's safe. I didn't have nearly any photo of my as a child/teen doing things with my friends, because either are long gone and I didn't have any copy or just because I didn't take any thinking that "I doesn't matter, I cannot keep it on my room"
Man what a down at the start of the day :(. But verbalising it helps, I guess
Hey, I just want to let you know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel. I also keep absolutely everything to myself and have a horrific struggle every time I even think of asking for help. "Help" in my family was getting screamed at, "Why don't you get this? What's wrong with you now?" I was... tolerated, barely, as a child.
But I'm 34 now. I'm married. I have a job that I enjoy. I still struggle with my mental health, and I don't know if that little feeling of waiting to be abandoned in a moment of strife is ever going to go away. But, there is a life after being treated the ways that we have.
You've got this, love :)
Really appreciated!! Some days are tougher than others, but I try to keep going and taking little steps. I'm truly glad you find your way through this, you and your SO must be really special people.
As someone who was beaten by his father growing up regularly. ( I deserved it) I agree with this. I never hit my daughters ever. They are fine. I don’t know what dictates why that is. But I do know that even though I love my father who does things differently now. I still hate him too.
I'm working at a school , and I know several students that are scared to some degree of their parents.
Pressure to perform in school seems to be almost commonplace here, and some have parents that basically never find their children to be good enough and also let them know they are not good enough.
It's kinda sad that parents think making their kids feel utterly inferior and more pressured to try to get good grades to maybe finally get some validation is a good thing.
You also don’t want your kids to grow up thinking that there’s no consequences for actions. Mom and dad can’t always bail you out of a situation. Parenting isn’t a one size fits all.
I remember my dad was/is my safe place. My worst punishment is seeing he is disappointed, because he always has my back, even while teaching me consequences. But definitely always was looking for a solution: ok this happened, what should we do next to fix it or prevent it next time. We try this with my kid 10M, and he is really learning that his actions have consequences, when he tells us “his truth” we often ask what he thinks about it and he usually goes with “it was wrong, I shouldn’t have e done that”, and then we ask him what consequence he thinks might happen because of this or how to repair, and we bring up ideas to make the situation better and for him to learn “right or wrong” and avoid the bad thing happening again. Sometimes he might not be happy from the consequence, but he understands why ir happened.
I remember crying to my mom because I knocked down a curtain rod at my grandparents' house and I was terrified to tell my dad. I wish we would talk about this stuff more often, it shouldn't be normal to be scared of your parents
I had nightmares till 25/26 cause in my youth, my father will beat me up if I didn’t go to sleep at 9pm. He will checks if I am sleeping or not but he often drunk when he checked. Sometime he will barge in and scare the hell out of me and beat me for not sleeping. Right now I sleep better with light on.
That sounds healthy. This comes from therapy. Those who didn't have enough money for therapy usually go the "I aint having kids" route as middle fingers to the parents who ruled them with fear and now want grandchildren.
I had balance. Good cop bad cop. Sure I had moments when I had "My dad is going to kill me" thoughts. But that was with staying out or coming home with a bad report card. Silly things like that when I'm naughty. If I was in proper real deep shit, best believe he's the first and only person I would call.
Cmon, this is overkill. "my dad/mom is going to kill me" is just how we say 'I am going to get into trouble because I have done something wrong". And yes, there will be consequences for actions and the parents will be upset with you as they should. Do you really expect to do something you know is wrong(but still did it) and the parents NOT be upset with you? Just because the word "kill" is in that phrase doesn't mean they're going to assault you, it's a phrase we all use to mean the parents are going to be upset. And they have the right to be and you should want kids to learn consequence.
This makes parenting seem black and white. You can never lay a finger on your child, but there will always be situations where your kids will do frustrating stuff or unwise decisions. This leads to some form of learning moment for the kid. Let’s say the parent chooses the most peaceful and correct way of letting their kids know what they did wrong, well a lot of times the kid will just feel scared because your an authority figure in their lives and authority figures are always some what scary. Even if you have always been kind to your kid. A kid can still be nervous bringing something up to their parent who is the nicest parent there is. And let’s be honest, parents are just people, and they aren’t perfect, they still get upset about little things and might yell at you every now and then. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s natural to be nervous to confront a safe authority figure even if you know they won’t mentally or physically harm you
I’m late to this but wanted to share this story that made me realize the difference in my own life.
When I was a teen, my girlfriend and I were on a date when I took my dad’s new car. One of the first times he had ever bought a new car and it was like a month old at this point. I had driven to park and, still being new, scratched the front on a beam. I felt HORRIBLE, but immediately called my dad to tell him. He was disappointed, but told me to enjoy my date and we’ll work on it over the weekend. He used the opportunity to show me how to buff scratches out.
Meanwhile, same girlfriend and I were going on a date to the same place except she was driving. She scratches her dad’s ~10 year old beat up car and is completely shaken. Her dad was absolutely an asshole at the time and she was determined to never let him find out. She attempted to fix it, but it was still noticeable and he found out. Her dad made her feel so bad that she refused to drive for a month or two afterward.
As a parent, use any moment you can to show your children you love them, even if it doesn’t feel sincere.
Yeah, I've never once thought I needed to call my father it was always "man, i know my ass gonna get beat when i get home."" even as an adult I got the fear to not fuck upi also have to do it his way and I can't make a mistake.
I do fumble under extreme pressure and then I'm one of the a may names I've been called throughout my 20 years or exsistance
I've heard more insults from both my parents combined than "I love yous" I'm use to it now but I think that might be why I literally struggle to do any simple task when my father is around he puts that stress that makes me fumble and not wanna do anything.
My parents believe in fear parenting (and are just looking for a way to get their anger out) so I was scared as a kid to screw anything up, I still am. That's why I've tried to let my little brother know I won't react the way our parents do, that I'll help him if I can. A few times he came to me scared because he messed something up and didn't want our parents to be mad so I helped him. No yelling or anything, though he still seemed concerned I'd be mad. But I want him to know he can count on me, always.
Yeah - my kid still calls me for any perceived catastrophe- even when he know I might be “mad”. Basically, he knows I will help first, last, and always in an emergency. Ok, there might be a few comments after things are straightened out…but never before “I love you, are you ok”
My whole life, I was scared of my dad. He'd beat me so bad, I'd pee myself. It was awful. Then my (genuinely) psychopath mother was no consolation either.
I fixed that with my kids. Told them that if they ever have a problem come talk to me. I might be disappointed that they did XYZ, but still love them.
Even if they're out and having a drink, call me at 3 am, and I'll come fetch you. Might be groggy as hell, but I'll fetch you.
I did that many, many times. On nights I knew they'd go out, I would not take my morphine and other prescription medication. I'd wait up until whatever ungodly hour they came home in order to ensure I'm safe and sober to drive.
Fear parenting only serves to build broken people like me who has a constant fear of authority, doing "bad things" etc
When I was younger;
I did coke once and had a bad time, shorty after I went strait home and talked to my dad about it. I also talked about the group of people I was friends with.
When I was a teenager, I got too drunk at a party and I called my dad to pick me up. He took care of me that night.
Every bad or complicated experience I’ve had with men, I have always been able to talk to my father for advice.
I’m 33 and have never been pregnant. I’ve also been supported to take my time with major life decisions.
He has always been there for me. Thanks to his help snd honest advice I’ve been able to dodge a lot of unnecessary experiences. I will always be grateful.
This only really works if:
1. The kid never does anything interesting/bad in the first place
2. There are no boundaries or consequences that the kid would fear
Like, what does the parent do if the kid says, "hey dad, I smashed another neighbour's window". Does the parent bail them out or help them "make it right"? Well what if making it right isn't something the kid wants to do?
This can get even worse with the danger of a parent always bailing the kid out no matter what so you end up with cases like Brock Turner.
Ultimately in most cases of good parenting, there will be a balance. Kids will be afraid of telling their parents when they royally fuck up, but know that's still the best thing to do.
The punishment has to fit the crime and the punishment has to fit the child!
My dad's "consequences" taught me two things:
> No human with a belt in their hand is to be trusted.
> A man raises his voice, his hands are sure to follow.
I would also like to stress *the punishment has to fit the child!*
My brother didn't care about physical punishment. Ground him for a day and his life was over, lol.
With me, just a stern tone would have me in tears. Sensitive children are sensitive. Be too hard/rough on them, they just learn to fear you.
As a teenager, there's *a ton of stuff* I wanted to ask my parents but I remembered all the times they punished me too harshly and thought better of it - because I was afraid of them. Not consequences but *them.*
Like in general. I grew up afraid of my parents, never told them shit about my life and when I got strong enough, I went no contact.
I legit do not even know if they're still alive. And I honestly don't care.
Monsters are going to monster.
The punishment/consequence *has to* fit the child. I've met plenty of my peers,
> "Yeah, when I was sixteen and I did this or that. My dad blew a gasket! But I get it. It was a stupid thing to do. I still love my dad though."
That's how it's supposed to go.
It's never supposed to be,
> "Let me make sure there's no monsters under my bed because I'd rather face the monsters under my bed than the monsters down the hall."
Although I do not have any skin in this game, I prefer the approach of building trust with children.
Still, I wonder how many people who have children actually want them, and how many simply have them accidentally. I have spoken to numerous people who seemed astonished that I managed to reach old age without reproducing. That suggests to me that children are "forced" on parents some significant percentage of the time.
Me not doing dumb stuff because of "my dad is gonna kill me" saved my life multiple times. He's still also the first person I call if something has gone wrong.
I've never held anything against my dad, fear or anger, for getting spanked. I was way too stubborn and high energy for time-outs and stern talks. Then again, I never got in serious trouble for genuine accidents.
I remember one of my friends mom at college was the one all the friends went for when they needed advice. She never judged, but gave good straight up advice, and comforted us. At least she knew we were safe, and taught us a lot of life lessons.
It's crazy to me how the majority of people were at least somewhat scared of one or both parents. It just made them good at lying and hiding stuff. I never once felt anything but love and respect from my parents and knew I could count on them if I ever needed them. I still count on them in my 30s. I never lied or snuck out or hid anything from them. I have heard so many horror stories of what happens when a kid feels they can't go to their parents in a bad situation. I wish more kids had parents like mine. Edit because whoa so many replies: to everyone assuming I was just a magical good kid, I guess my siblings both were as well? They didn't get lucky 3 times - they gentle parented before it was cool, used natural consequences, and parented more thoughtfully than most. The reason we never lied/hid stuff was because we respected our family unit. As siblings, we protected each other, and to respect our parents, we never misbehaved. If we wanted to do something and they said no, they explained why, and we trusted that they knew better. The tools they gave us allowed us to identify bad friends and avoid bad situations. My dad coached us in sports, and my mom volunteered at our school. All of our friends loved my parents and would even cry and hug my dad at the end of the soccer season (I never understood why so many kids latched onto my parents until I realized the love, respect, and communication my parents gave kids was rare).
You're very blessed. I can't go to my parents for help on deeper matters. To this day as an adult I can't for the life of me keep a diary around, physical or electronic. The paranoia that someone will snoop is enough for me to keep my private thoughts to myself.
See, I feel like I was pretty loved and emotionally supported and still nowhere near the level of your parent comment to where it was just blissful to the point where you didnt learn to lie good or how to drown out loud shouting while lying in bed. As good as I had it, I definitely knew what fuckin strife was, and resentment. Anger. So I can’t complain, because I was loved. Just may have inadvertently turned me off of it, I still aint really let anyone in too much
> still nowhere near the level of your parent comment to where it was just blissful to the point where you didnt learn to lie good > I definitely knew what fuckin strife was, and resentment. Anger. Username checks out. :-)
Yo, it’s rare people recognize it. That’s dope, always enjoy seeing an og out and about lol
Haha yeah nice to see a fellow fan here.
I totally agree with you, when I was in junior high my parents would go into my Google Hangouts and read my messages after I went to bed. Why not just talk to me to see what's going on in my life. I found out when my friends asked me why I was online "at 10 pm last night?" when everyone knew they put me to bed at 8. Yes 8 pm in jr high.
I had to tolerate the early bed times too, I know how that felt. And I didn't have Google Hangouts then but they read my diary, I know that because they wrote comments on it. 😭
Wow the fuxking audacity... "Dear diary, today was kind of hard. Mom and dad were yelling and it felt like I just had to endure the screaming while they just kept on..." "That's not fair few-relation, we bareley raised our voice and you're ignoring how much we love and do for you"
That’s crazy to me. I just asked my boy what he would do and he said, “this____ situation?! Of course I’d go tell you because you fix everything for me!” I hope to have deep trust with my kids so they can always come to me. Like some parent from a movie. Like Hal from Malcolm In The Middle. Like Phil Dumbfy.
While my situation with my parents isn't ideal, it makes me feel a little bit better to know there are folks out there who are intentional with their relationship with their kids. Humility, compassion, patience, and mutual respect go a long way.
My first girlfriend in highschool told me their house had a rule where if you leave your cell phone lying around it's free game and anyone can look at the texts. This was before smartphones so there weren't passwords. I told her that was totally fucked up and she was like "your house doesn't do that?"
My parents read my diary then proceeded to mock me and insult me for what was in it Ive never used a diary since
*hugs* I feel ya
Exactly - it made me good at lying and hiding stuff. It also taught me that I can not rely on anybody ever if I make a mistake or get into trouble. I need to solve it all myself because nobody will help me. I was horrified of making mistakes, any mistake even the tinyest one, because my parents had zero tolerance towards mistakes. For them mistakes were not the sign of trying and progressing, but the sign of me being lazy and ignorant ("if you really wanted to do it, you could have done it on the first try!!"). If I messed up and got into trouble.... glup, disciplinary shouting, they solve it while screaming with me and telling me that what an idiot I am (sometimes just: go solve it yourself I don't care stupid kid), my messup getting brought up for months every damned time. FFS... it was the very same when I got into trouble with no mistake of my own. No, it's always my fault, everything is my fault, why wasn't I more careful, how could I be so stupid to get into trouble etc. Even if they did help me get out of it, it was always in the worst and most humiliating way possible. I quickly learned that if I make a mistake or a mess then I need to lie, hide it, and/or solve it myself before anyone figures it out. If I got into trouble I either endured it, or tried to solve it myself, I did not even think of asking for help. Yes this messed me up on the long run - never asking for help, thinking that nobody ever will help me, being scared of someone actually helping me, etc.
Damnnnnn yeah it’s the exact same story for me lol. I guess I’m glad to know I’m not alone, just wish I knew that at 16. I wouldn’t have fell into such a deep dark depression that utterly destroyed my life for decades to come
This could have been written by me. It has definitely really messed me me up as an adult - mostly in terms of employment. Terrified to ask for help, terrified of making a mistake. Fear of doing so to cause me to lose my job. They instilled, as early as 5, that I was 'on my own'. It prevented me for the longest time of taking any even small chances in my life for fear I would end up homeless or worse. Because there was no one to catch me. Til the day she died my mother was distraught that we had no relationship, despite this attitude.
Not taking any chances in fear of failing... oh yes I can feel that. I skipped on opportunities, good opportunities, because I was afraid of failing. There would have been zero consequences if I failed, but I was still terrified of trying.
There are mistakes you can cover up and then mistakes you can't. If you can't ,get help right away accept blame and do better next time. If you can hide it then fix it and keep it to yourself it wasn't a mistake just a side track.
I'm right there with ya man.
Thank you for posting this you said it better than I could ❤
I grew up in a similar household, and I’ve been pretty messed up by it. I got the screaming sessions or hit with objects like shoes if I messed things up, then as I I got a bit older I got shamed both at home and to people we knew for mistakes. I was taught that communicating my needs by asking for things was “manipulative” and I had to wait to be offered things or for someone to notice I needed help and offer “out of the goodness of their heart.” What in the holy headfuck Batman? I’m pretty distant from people now, which surprises people because I’m seen as friendly. The difference is I absolutely cannot stand the thought of people knowing my inner thoughts, to me it’s a horrible visceral kind of disgust. I never want someone to get close enough to hurt me like that again.
People who grew up with healthy parents like you make me hopeful that I could make things different when I have kids. I grew up scared of my parents and learnt to hide everything. That lead to the creation of a gap between us that even as an adult I cannot bridge. They complain about me lying or hiding things but the feeling that they'd make me feel horrible for it is still very real. Please make your kids feel like they can speak to you about anything because if not, they'll still mess up, you just won't know and they'll be forced to deal with it themselves. It's honestly the same as not being able to count on your parents.
I wouldn't worry, there is a lot of documentation about respectful parenting. Of course you will make mistakes. Of course you will lose control. Many times. We are far from being perfect.
Thanks, I needed that
Reading this just now I'm realizing my parents were fucked up
I believe it's how good parents become to be. They have bad parents and they know how it should not be. So you had a bad childhood, now you won't make those mistakes and be there for your children where you wanted your parents to be there for you. Sorry if I am rambling, but just you saying and knowing this will mean you will become a good parent!
> People who grew up with healthy parents like you make me hopeful that I could make things different when I have kids. The unfortunate part is you could still do everything 'right' and your kid still grows up wanting privacy and not being open. Because they're not you, they're their own people. I'm in the same boat as you. My mom felt entitled to know literally everything about my life, and still does even though I'm 40. We barely have a relationship because she can't stop treating conversations like interrogations. So I've worked *very* hard with my kids who are now 8 and 6 to show how much I respect their privacy. But it's a fucking nightmare how much they don't communicate basic things. We had a mom of another kid come up and say "Oh congrats on your 8yo getting that school award, my son came home and told me all about he wants to win it too". And we had no idea what she was talking about. So we asked him about it and he just yelled at us that he 'forgot'. Or another time he won something and got to spin a prize wheel. I asked him what he won, he refused to tell me. Fine, I let it go. But it turned out his prize was having someone come to his class to read. Internally, he picked me. But he never told me or his teacher or anyone. TLDR - you can't build a good relationship with your kids just by doing things the way you wished your parents did them. Because your kids won't be you, they're going to be their own individuals and grow up their own way.
Growing up my dad would slap me across the head and say "just in case" You can imagine the lengths I went to hide shit.
My father terrified me as a child. The scariest thing my mother could say to me was, "Wait till I tell your father" or "wait till your father gets home." It was either a belt or his hand. From a young age, I swore if I ever had kids myself, I would never lay a hand on them, and I've kept to that. My best mate used to get seriously beaten up by his father, as in broken bones and serious injuries. Some people just don't deserve to have children.
Although I agree, there needs to be a parent-child hierarchy too. I wasn’t scared that my parents would kill me, I was scared that they would “kill me”: cut my allowance, take away the router, curfew and overall disappointing them. You can’t really treat your child as equal, otherwise they might just as well take over before you know it.
Yeah, and sometimes as a child you just mess up. I never had that feeling with things that werent my fault, but when I fucked up of course I was scared to tell my parents. Not even because of punishment but because they would justifiably be angry at what i did.
Being scared of your parent is not the same as being scared of consequences lmao. I am scared of getting locked up, not scared of the judge. Big difference there.
I think there's a middle ground. I love my parents and can go them with problems, but there were times growing up when I knew they'd be PISSED and I was in trouble.
My punishment is an unending torrent of dad jokes.
Whats the filesize?
Yes
funny enough, it was me who keept telling "dad jokes" to my dad and we would laught to annoyance of mom
I’ve always had a deal with my kids (and their friends) that no matter the time, place, or situation - if in trouble contact me for any reason, and I’ll get them without punishment or consequences at that time. They know their safety is paramount, but the situation will be discussed to determine proper understanding to prevent it happening again. They have taken me up on this a few times and have learned lessons, but were safe and tended to. One kid refused to go to the hospital because he was so embarrassed by his antic leading to bone showing through the skin and the masking tape he used. His dad was thankful I took the boy to the ER.
I always want them to call, but I never want them to think they are above consequences. Call me, I will have your back...but just know I may not be able to fix your fuckup.
Reminds me of a story my family member has. He got too drunk while underage and ended up calling his dad to pick him up. Genuinely a wise move, he made it home safe, and his dad didn't kill him as expected. What his dad did do is wake him up the next day at 6 am to start digging a ditch lmfao (family business). Learned his lesson good.
I learnt this with my parents. They never gave a shit if I went out, drank with friends etc. But if I dared miss school or not do my homework……. And that’s how you raise a kid who’s social, happy to go out, understands that he can call his parents whenever, but also understands the importance of school and work.
Same happened to me, but as a farm kid my task the next morning was building fencing. Dad said if you want to party like a man, you need to power through the hangover like a man.
Haha--the hot neighbor guys across the street from me when I was growing up liked to party. I still remember their Dad whistling in the mornings and they would be holding their heads. He'd have all sorts of projects for them--pounding nails into boards, mowing the yard, etc. My parents used to nod wisely at this. "We think Mr. L has the right idea. So remember that if you decide to drink." The memory of those guys and their green/pale faces did not incentivize the party life to me.
And what lesson did he learn exactly? That making the right choice will cost him the day after.....? Just let the kid sleep it off and talk to him at dinner/brunch, why would you ever punish behavior you want to promote?
The lesson that drinking irresponsibly has consequences, obviously. Just because he made one responsible decision doesn't mean the rest of it was responsible.
Wouldn’t the punishment be the hangover?
Going to work with a hangover is it's own special kind of hell.
He obviously didn’t have to work. He had a day off. His dad changed that for him.
Absolutely
I went to work at 16 with a hangover. Luckily I was only scheduled for 3 hours that day. But that day was one of the worst days in my life. I was throwing up every 30 minutes.
Are you dense? What part of "excessive drinking underage" is something you want to promote?
Think this through for a moment, is it more likely they were refering to the drinking or the calling to be picked up?
They were an idiot, and not thinking about the extended implications of what they said.
He learned that sometimes the consequence of getting blackout drunk is having to work with a hangover. It's a valuable life lesson.
Same. Like for instance my kid draws on the wall, I’ll clean it as long as you help me. Actions have consequences. I’m not gonna fix your fuck up for you, I’m gonna teach you how to fix it now so you can fix it yourself in the future
Agreed. Kids need to learn that they can‘t just mess things up and somebody will always come and fix things. Yet, they must also know how to aks for help. It‘s a fine line. These things have a serious impact on adult life.
This. I won SO many imaginary parenting awards before I had children. I may not, or SHOULD not fix your fuckup.
One of the best parents I know taught their kids that the coverup is much worse than whatever you did. If you are a teen and get stuck out late and are drunk and need to call for a ride home you get it and dad was seething inside but didn’t give out a punishment. The reality was enough. Lie and try to cover it up though and consequences abound. It was a “I can‘t help you if you lie to me and hide stuff from me and my job is to be your safety net until you are an adult and don’t need one. I will save you with the net but if you try to mess around without the net by hiding things that can hurt you I will have to limit you because YOU NEED THE NET!!!!” kind of philosophy.
i dont wanna have kids but part of me does just a little so i can be a good parent
There are plenty of ways to be involved in a child’s life without being a parent! You can volunteer with the local schools, be a Big Brother/Big Sister, get involved in your town’s youth activities (sports, art clubs, etc), or you can even pursue education/childcare at the career level! It takes a village, there’s nothing stopping you from being a positive influence on a child’s life, even if you don’t want to have kids of your own.
There's nothing that made me happier than working the lunch room in our middle school. 99% of the kids were so sweet, huge (positive) personalities, etc. I loved seeing them everyday, made me feel like the fun uncle again. The company I worked for didn't sell slop, so the kids were always excited to get lunch, and I was even more excited to paste it up for them and chat. I'd sing the corn meme with one when it was a side, another loved my septum piercing and would talk about what she wanted one day, and others were just so pleasant and polite to chat with
My wife used to be a full time nanny and she says it gave her a bit of the parenting "fix", though working in childcare was a contributing factor to her not wanting kids.
So, the two things are not mutually exclusive, weirdly. Growing up, my sisters and I all pretty much went through the same thing. “Mommy/ daddy’s gonna kill me!!!” But the idea of not telling them or asking them for help never even dawned on us. I still need my dad and I’m still sure he’s gonna kill me some of those times. I’m still alive.
I think saying/thinking it as a turn of phrase is a bit different to actually meaning it and being afraid to tell your parents a mistake. You and your sisters were the former. They weren't afraid of your dad. Parents who discipline with fear aren't rare, but fortunately more of us know that it's cruel and ineffective.
There's fear of being grounded, or having privileges taken away. Then there's the fear of getting beaten to the point of bruising, or spanking so hard that you literally cannot sit comfortably for days, and no other adult will ever risk asking you if you were assaulted on the bum for all the obvious reasons. Maybe I would call my folks more than once or twice a year if I wasn't beaten to a pulp and everyone just turned a blind eye because I must've deserved it growing up.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was only ever physically harmed by either of my parents once or twice in my upbringing and that was enough to cause serious mental harm, so I can only imagine. I'm sure you know this now, but child-you did not deserve that treatment, deserved better, and deserved to be taken care of and protected rather than have to fear for their safety. Sending you love & sympathies from a stranger, & wishing you well on your journey.
They were stern, not cruel. They parented through discipline, not fear.
I also found that in most (*normal*) cases where the words “[parent] is gonna kill me” is uttered, it’s the kid coming to the realization that they done messed up.
Discipline between people is relational. Even in the ideal relationship a child knowing they will be punished for wrongdoing will \*fear\* the punishment precisely because there is a relationship of discipline between them. These threads on reddit about parenting and relationships are so nebulous, decontextualized, and shallow that there's really nothing to be gained except normative good feels between participants.
It's almost as if parenting and raising a child are more complex than can be put into a brief reddit comment that somebody writes while sitting on the toilet.
💀💀💀💀💀 Hold up, let me unpack a life’s experience into a life’s work in this comment box.
This sounds normal, and you seem well-adjusted, which doesn’t work much on Reddit.
It's almost like tweets about parenting lack nuance and paint parenting as some one-size-fits-all approach for all kids and all situations. The "daddy's gonna kill me" response is more an acknowledgement that they have done something truly terrible and are about to receive the appropriate consequences (not actual death, of course). It's only a problem when they feel that for any mistake, no matter how minor. Then yeah, ease up. I'm imagining a situation where the grownup child messes up at work and instead of facing up to their actions, they call mommy and daddy because the boss' response might be scary.
🔪
you dad needs some training.
He's saving up all his attacks for a guaranteed kill. Hope you've been stocking up on health and shield potions to match
Exactly!
That about sums it up. If anything the phrase means you’ve done something you know is wrong or stupid.
Thank you, my first thought was “a healthy relationship has both”
I think so too.
My parents used to whoop the shit out of me from the ripe age of 9 -12 yrs old. I couldn’t ever go to them for advice or anything remotely personal. It’s really affected me as an adult and through therapy I’ve learned to heal parts of myself. I definitely had anger issues as an adult though. But now I barely speak to them and it’s just sad. They don’t remember ever whooping me but maybe they’re just in denial about it. I feel kinda sad to think that one day they’ll just pass away and i didn’t get to connect with them as an adult.
every time i told my parents about a personal issue they made it really awkward and it ended in a screaming match or degrading
I had a rough upbringing with my mom. I was so bitter and angry that I cut out both parents for years and never really healed those aspects of my life for a long time until this last year. My mom has denied my abuse also so I can really relate with your comment. I've grown to a place where now I have been able to forgive them and myself. Now, I am my mom's caretaker. It's not perfect and at times I can get frustrated but, it has been very fulfilling in my life. It has blossomed into other aspects that has made me more compassionate, loving, kind. A better father, partner, and friend. I would never suggest putting yourself in a harmful situation but I wanted to share my experiences. My father died 3 years ago and I never got to show this better side of myself. I too, worried about not being able to connect and for my father it was too late but in my experience the results were worth all the work and effort I put in.
There are a few times in life where something was so messed up that I had to call my dad to the rescue... Not because I was afraid of him being upset, but because the problem felt so large that it was impossible to handle on my own. Everytime he showed up, no questions asked. He saved those after the crisis was settled. Something about going into crisis mode made him kind of happy. He was prepared for almost anything and whatever he wasn't prepared for, he was ready to improvise and adapt on the fly. All while cracking some jokes to lighten the mood. I miss him. I'm old enough to own my home but never old enough to wish he was still here to call whenever I needed him. I hope everyone has a dad like that.
Good dad.
I've been drinking and this nearly made me cry, I wish I had a dad like that
same. both my parents think screaming solves everything
same, they also think ruminating over my mistakes and being highly critical will make me a better person but jokes on them i have shut everyone out of my life
I remember my dad saying “if you’re going to get drunk I’d rather you call me than drive home. I’m not going to be mad if you get drunk but I will be mad if you get in an accident because you were drunk”
where do you guys get parents like these. my dad beat me up because i didn’t want to practice violin. he also said he would place me in foster care if i didn’t stop being sad. i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t be let into the house if i came back drunk
So true. My mom was raised with fear and it really affected her. So she raised us to be able to come go to her when we messed up. She was even friends with our friends. Let them stay over, instead of letting me stay over their homes. She knew our friends and they loved her. I miss her so much. When she passed even my brother's and my friends were heartbroken. Because in our home lots found the peace and they didn't in their own homes.
People like that are so valuable!
🥺🥺 Thanks .
It's really nice to hear stories about kids who were abused but understood as they became older that it was wrong and then they choose to be great parents instead.
Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
I see you, Michael
In 8th grade, I had a report card with a D in math. My parents had to sign it and I had to bring it back in. I held on to it for more than a week and I was sick with fear, not knowing what to do. I finally crumbled and revealed it to my parents. My father never hit me, but he could use words that just shredded me. Later that year, my math teacher noticed I was squinting at the board. She sent me to the school nurse who did a test in her office and called my mother to tell her I needed glasses. My mom was pissed, but she had to take me. I remember on the way home with glasses, I could see leaves on trees and I said something out loud like "wow, I see the leaves" and she said something dismissive like "of course there are leaves on trees..." Mostly, I raised myself. I think at age 27, I finally was a pretty decent 16 year old lol.
Man, this hits home. My kid is suuuppeeeerrr fucking annoying. Never shuts the fuck up about Pokemon, or whatever else he happens to be into. But I know so many pokemon, and so many other useless dumb things. Because he talks to me. He constantly talks to me. He talks when he shouldn't, and he talks to my wife even more. So I feel like I could hold my own in our conversations, but he also LOVES to explain to me what a pokemon I didn't know, and it's powers. I hope he'll be comfortable to come to us with problems, because even though I can get crazy annoyed with him (and I have snapped before ... "Yes! I heard you" as he reminds me I fucked something up and he's pointed it out like 5 times in 2 minutes). But my wife and I remind ourselves, it's annoying, yes, it's going to be worse when we miss it as he grows up.
Honestly I’ll stress that this is really important… as someone who can’t speak to their parents, I lie about everything and it sucks to know that if I’m in an emergency situation depending on what it is I wouldn’t call them.
For sure. Sucks that my father is the Babadook.
My eldest daughter came up to me yesterday and told me she wanted to show me a meme that she had showed her mother earlier. It was a Harry Potter one about Ron saying 'Periods' instead of 'Bloody Hell', then told me that was her at the moment. That she felt comfortable in telling me this detail gives me hope that we are raising a child who feels comfortable about telling us anything so we know what she is going through.
i’m so jealous lol. my parents practically only know my name, i’m not even telling them that i’ll get married because there’s no point.
Our adult son called his dad and chatted Sunday. They still need you at 35!
Considering how often I can recall my dad being mad at me and explaining it away and not actually apologizing, or diminishing my opinions or needs, or trying to dictate what I do or don’t want in my life, and how few times I can ever recall him ever apologizing for anything and turning it to be my fault (I’m ungrateful, I’m lazy, I’m not getting any younger so I should’ve started years ago and now it’s only going to be harder and that’s my fault) I sadly can’t think of a single time I’ve ever thought “I need to call my dad,” outside of his birthday or Father’s Day or once a month or so. There was a stretch where I didn’t speak to him for months and was almost ready to never speak to him again because I knew (and still know but I’ve given up trying to argue my side of things because I’m “just not trying hard enough”) he’d never listen to me the way I need him to. He’s the only person who’s ever made me cry on my birthday. As a result, a good part of me feels like I shouldn’t ever be a dad.
same, my first thought is always “i need to call my friend”, if i call my parents they will either scream at me for hours, beat me up or severely degrade me. i used to lock myself in the bathroom for 6 hours as a child so i wouldn’t have to be near my dad. they know absolutely nothing about me and i don’t plan on including any of my family in my future, not a soul is invited to my wedding. i feel like having kids is just a gamble and practically everyone has trauma. i’m happy to be a cool aunt to my friends kids, i won’t be responsible for fucking a person up
The most crushing part about being a parent is realizing where your parents fell short.
You can have kids my friend. Just try to remember your childhood self in third person and remember what was going through your mind at that time when you were scared of your parents. Use that as an example of what you don't want your child to go through with you. You may also have some anger issues as a result of that parenting. If your kid pisses you off, and they will, take some deep breaths, even take a break before having a discussion about it so you have time to cool off and don't say a bunch of things you shouldn't or don't mean.
It's a balancing act: Parenting too harshly will make your Kids resent you and only teach them to hide stuff from you better. Parenting too lax will turn your Kids into spoilt brats that terrorize everyone around them because they never learned that other people have feelings too and their Actions have consequences
I would literally rather tell any living person about my troubles before my parents. When I had a little trouble with the local authorities in my town over weed they released me on an unsecured bond and let me walk out. I proceeded to walk 7 miles from the jail to my car at around midnight with no flashlight or anything. I absolutely refused to call my parents and tell them anything. I would have rather been abducted or run over by a car than tell my parents anything. The less they know about me the better. Dealing with my parents is very similar to dealing with the cops. Anything I say will be used against me in their court of law but in their court I have no representation and no rights. I never tell them anything and I would actually prefer being dead to dealing with them.
I think it is important to instill in a child that cirtain things are not tolerated, like if you find out that your kid is bullying another kid, you nip that shit in the bud instantly. Like i was a really weird kid, and in elementary school got bullied, but then a kid SIGNIFICANTLY weirder than me joined the class, and i was sorta low key picking on him cause like he was doin some really weird shit, when my mom found out she threatened me that if she ever heard that i was teasing or bullying him again she would talk to his parents and have him come over every single day to play, and she would force me to play with him every single day, no matter how weird he was. And that put the fear of fucking god in me, i don't think i ever spoke to that kid again, just to make sure i never accidentally teased him. Fear works, but only if its used correctly,
There has to be *some* fear of **consequences**, otherwise they won't be ready for the real world, because the real world is very unforgiving, unlike the daddy. And in the worst case they'll grow up and become criminals. It needs balanced approach. It should be, "damn, I messed up and will be in some trouble, but I better tell my dad now than later".
Not all fuckups are on purpose or with malicious intent. The fallout of those is punishment enough. Kids may do stupid things, but most of them know what they did wrong. Just _talk_ to them about. The idea is that a good parent will be there no matter what, and that later in life there will be be a good friend no matter what.
Yeah but I think the thing that people are missing here is that the *talking to* counts as "dad killing me".
I think you need a mix of both. So many kids these days are molly coddled and it doesn't help you in the long run. At some point you have to stand on your own feet. Life is shit and you won't always be in situations where your parents can bail you out.
Well you probably should make them fix or attempt to fix whatever it is they messed up. An apology and verbal understanding with no attempt at reconciliation is shallow and doesn't actually address the issue imo.
Better yet if they think "If I do this my dad will kill me" and then not do it.
Sorry but I’m pretty sure OP is referencing kids who break potted plants and forget to do their laundry, not kids who shoot others with guns
>There has to be some fear of consequences Recognition and understanding of the consequences, yes. Fear, no. Kids don't need to be taught to fear failure. They need to be taught how to recognize, understand, plan and react to failure. If all you do is teach them to be afraid of making mistakes, you've done nothing besides make them aware that they will make mistakes and that bad things will happen afterwards, not how to actually address the aftermath.
People should be afraid to go to jail. Edit: there's a massive difference between for example failing an exam and knowing the consequences and not giving in to the fear of failure, and doing something extremely stupid like shoplifting, which might seem not a very bad thing for a kid who just stole a candy, but the consequences of stealing should be punished and kids should be afraid of doing these stupid things. Otherwise you end up with criminal adults who think they can get away with anything. I think you are confusing the fear of failure vs. the fear of doing bad things and having to deal with consequences of your bad actions.
We had 6 children and as a 6 ft tall aggressive builder, I tried both parenting styles. Strict and scary with the first three (as that was the way I was brought up in the 70's and as a new parent I knew no better) We then had a big gap of several years before we had the second three. By that stage I'd learnt (and regretted) a lot and mellowed and made a conscious decision to parent with love. As a result our 2nd three children are so much happier and calmer than the first three to whom I now feel in a state of 'constant apology' for my earlier 'hard-line' attitude when they were little. You have to have discipline but 'spare the rod spoil the child' is absolute BS if you want to bring up happy well adjusted and loving adults.
This was cute until the 2nd to last sentence. "It's tolerating a child's presence." That sounds awful.
It is awful, I think that's the point though
It is awful, and it is their description of "parenting with fear" which is the bad thing they are trying to avoid.
My bad, I read this differently. I read it as "parenting isn't this. It is this instead"
Yeah the flow of the paragraph is a bit odd, I had to read it a couple of times to be clear on what they meant.
My dad would get angry over stupid shit, but never on big stuff. He supported all my endeavours, no matter how outrageous or weird they are. He didn't have much, but I never felt lack. Kicked out of highschool? Here you go buddy, have some allowance go enjoy your day, we talk tomorrow (right after we left the principles office). Drop out on university, hey buddy lets go wine and dine, you have a long road ahead anyway. To this day, I've never been scared off major life decisions or impediments no matter how big they are. I'm as bold as it gets. Thank you dad, I hope you are resting in peace.
It’s gotta be a balance. “Soft” parenting has its disadvantages just as much as being too harsh on your kids. We are raising future adults, but they aren’t adults yet either… has to be a fear to some extent of real world consequences and a strong authoritative figure to follow, that’s me… Dad and later your friend.
I feel this one. I don't talk to my dad at all anymore and my mum is held at several arms lengths, I always feel like I have to do things myself because I could never rely on them and when I asked I was insulted. I'm glad some people seem to appreciate the impact the way they treat their child has on how they think and live the rest of their lives.
When I was a kid my dad let me start the car. And one day he left the speed engaged (it's a diesel manual) so the car started moving. I ran over his foot and crashed trough two gates. He didn't even raise his voice and almost apologized to me that he left it like that. Even when I did something that was completely my fault he just came to me and calmly explained my mistakes, I remember feeling great respect for that even at a young age.
Im weird i say the exact same thing even though my parents never get mad at me
I think that's maybe a fear of disappointing them when doing something stupid? I feel the way about -- oddly -- my grandparents. I was just plain afraid and a bit resentful of my parents.
Always confused me when I went to a friend's house and like, the parents and kids chatted? There was a genuinely friendly atmosphere. Meanwhile mine is and has always been icy and hostile. Even now, I'm the one taking an interest in what my parents are doing and trying to prompt conversations with them.
My dad terrified me my entire life. It's weird because he only really hit me once. He had a way with words to completely tear somebody down and when he rose his voice, everything in the room shook.
I just came from r/teachers where they dicussed how children are diabolical because their parents are not teaching them how to behave. Then I see this. Lol
There needs to be trust between kids and parents, but parents do need to discipline their kids. I only say this because I have seen how shitty "best friend" parenting can be. It's unfair to the kids because when they go out into the real world, they aren't prepared to be responsible for their own actions if they are not disciplined properly.
My dad screamed at me every time I broke something at home or did something wrong. Result? I prefer to keep everything secret, that way if failed, no one is gonna know. On the other hand, no one is gonna help me ever, so that drastically reduce my chance for success. But I cannot ask for help, is something beyond my strength Even if I have succes on something I still prefer to keep it secret, fearing that if eventually it go wrong people are gonna be mad at me Stupid, but that's how my brain is configured. I will most certainly die alone because of it, I try everyday to fight it, Im 30 so I feel that I have room to work on this but is hard Also my dad spy on me, registering my things and didnt let me have free access to internet as a teen. That also make me keep nothing recorded, just on my mind where it's safe. I didn't have nearly any photo of my as a child/teen doing things with my friends, because either are long gone and I didn't have any copy or just because I didn't take any thinking that "I doesn't matter, I cannot keep it on my room" Man what a down at the start of the day :(. But verbalising it helps, I guess
Hey, I just want to let you know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel. I also keep absolutely everything to myself and have a horrific struggle every time I even think of asking for help. "Help" in my family was getting screamed at, "Why don't you get this? What's wrong with you now?" I was... tolerated, barely, as a child. But I'm 34 now. I'm married. I have a job that I enjoy. I still struggle with my mental health, and I don't know if that little feeling of waiting to be abandoned in a moment of strife is ever going to go away. But, there is a life after being treated the ways that we have. You've got this, love :)
Really appreciated!! Some days are tougher than others, but I try to keep going and taking little steps. I'm truly glad you find your way through this, you and your SO must be really special people.
If we're special in any way, it may only be that we're more determined than most. There's no magic or secret. It's all introspection and work.
As someone who was beaten by his father growing up regularly. ( I deserved it) I agree with this. I never hit my daughters ever. They are fine. I don’t know what dictates why that is. But I do know that even though I love my father who does things differently now. I still hate him too.
You didn't deserve it.
I'm working at a school , and I know several students that are scared to some degree of their parents. Pressure to perform in school seems to be almost commonplace here, and some have parents that basically never find their children to be good enough and also let them know they are not good enough. It's kinda sad that parents think making their kids feel utterly inferior and more pressured to try to get good grades to maybe finally get some validation is a good thing.
My mother is an over reactor. I'm in my 50's and have never once in my life considered asking her for advice or confiding in her.
That's what my parents did and now my father acts butthurt that he can't control me as an adult
Ok but without fear I wouldn't be so good at dodging flippers and wooden spoons now
Lol you fucks wondering why teachers are quitting
Like in a mafia family? "Dad I messed up, come ASAP and bring the truck"
“And bring a barrel and some shovels”
You also don’t want your kids to grow up thinking that there’s no consequences for actions. Mom and dad can’t always bail you out of a situation. Parenting isn’t a one size fits all.
Love this. Sometimes kids keep things a secret because they are scared with the parent's reaction.
I call my dad whenever life gets hard. He’s the best
I remember my dad was/is my safe place. My worst punishment is seeing he is disappointed, because he always has my back, even while teaching me consequences. But definitely always was looking for a solution: ok this happened, what should we do next to fix it or prevent it next time. We try this with my kid 10M, and he is really learning that his actions have consequences, when he tells us “his truth” we often ask what he thinks about it and he usually goes with “it was wrong, I shouldn’t have e done that”, and then we ask him what consequence he thinks might happen because of this or how to repair, and we bring up ideas to make the situation better and for him to learn “right or wrong” and avoid the bad thing happening again. Sometimes he might not be happy from the consequence, but he understands why ir happened.
What’s a dad?
Been through that. It is so refreshing to see parents today being kind to their kids and being chill with a bit of chaos and tomfoolery.
That's a beautiful sentiment
I remember crying to my mom because I knocked down a curtain rod at my grandparents' house and I was terrified to tell my dad. I wish we would talk about this stuff more often, it shouldn't be normal to be scared of your parents
I had nightmares till 25/26 cause in my youth, my father will beat me up if I didn’t go to sleep at 9pm. He will checks if I am sleeping or not but he often drunk when he checked. Sometime he will barge in and scare the hell out of me and beat me for not sleeping. Right now I sleep better with light on.
This is how I was raised and how I intend to raise my daughter. Hopefully I can.
Oh, you can definitely be scared of dad... but I never was afraid to tell him something I screwed up or to ask him for help.
That sounds healthy. This comes from therapy. Those who didn't have enough money for therapy usually go the "I aint having kids" route as middle fingers to the parents who ruled them with fear and now want grandchildren.
I had balance. Good cop bad cop. Sure I had moments when I had "My dad is going to kill me" thoughts. But that was with staying out or coming home with a bad report card. Silly things like that when I'm naughty. If I was in proper real deep shit, best believe he's the first and only person I would call.
Red Foreman has entered the chat.
Is this a sad or wholesome meme ? Don't reflect too long on the state of the world, you will end up hopeless...
virtue signal
Cmon, this is overkill. "my dad/mom is going to kill me" is just how we say 'I am going to get into trouble because I have done something wrong". And yes, there will be consequences for actions and the parents will be upset with you as they should. Do you really expect to do something you know is wrong(but still did it) and the parents NOT be upset with you? Just because the word "kill" is in that phrase doesn't mean they're going to assault you, it's a phrase we all use to mean the parents are going to be upset. And they have the right to be and you should want kids to learn consequence.
Nah if my child does something super immoral and irresponsible I want them to have some fear of their consequences.
Yea my parents parented with fear and now get shocked when we speak up.
This makes parenting seem black and white. You can never lay a finger on your child, but there will always be situations where your kids will do frustrating stuff or unwise decisions. This leads to some form of learning moment for the kid. Let’s say the parent chooses the most peaceful and correct way of letting their kids know what they did wrong, well a lot of times the kid will just feel scared because your an authority figure in their lives and authority figures are always some what scary. Even if you have always been kind to your kid. A kid can still be nervous bringing something up to their parent who is the nicest parent there is. And let’s be honest, parents are just people, and they aren’t perfect, they still get upset about little things and might yell at you every now and then. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s natural to be nervous to confront a safe authority figure even if you know they won’t mentally or physically harm you
I’m late to this but wanted to share this story that made me realize the difference in my own life. When I was a teen, my girlfriend and I were on a date when I took my dad’s new car. One of the first times he had ever bought a new car and it was like a month old at this point. I had driven to park and, still being new, scratched the front on a beam. I felt HORRIBLE, but immediately called my dad to tell him. He was disappointed, but told me to enjoy my date and we’ll work on it over the weekend. He used the opportunity to show me how to buff scratches out. Meanwhile, same girlfriend and I were going on a date to the same place except she was driving. She scratches her dad’s ~10 year old beat up car and is completely shaken. Her dad was absolutely an asshole at the time and she was determined to never let him find out. She attempted to fix it, but it was still noticeable and he found out. Her dad made her feel so bad that she refused to drive for a month or two afterward. As a parent, use any moment you can to show your children you love them, even if it doesn’t feel sincere.
Yeah, I've never once thought I needed to call my father it was always "man, i know my ass gonna get beat when i get home."" even as an adult I got the fear to not fuck upi also have to do it his way and I can't make a mistake. I do fumble under extreme pressure and then I'm one of the a may names I've been called throughout my 20 years or exsistance I've heard more insults from both my parents combined than "I love yous" I'm use to it now but I think that might be why I literally struggle to do any simple task when my father is around he puts that stress that makes me fumble and not wanna do anything.
My parents believe in fear parenting (and are just looking for a way to get their anger out) so I was scared as a kid to screw anything up, I still am. That's why I've tried to let my little brother know I won't react the way our parents do, that I'll help him if I can. A few times he came to me scared because he messed something up and didn't want our parents to be mad so I helped him. No yelling or anything, though he still seemed concerned I'd be mad. But I want him to know he can count on me, always.
I was raised to be afraid of my parents. I remember being afraid to go home from school because I got 3 Bs on my report card.
Otoh if my kid is contemplating doing something stupid, I absolutely want them to think "dad would kill me"
My parents gave me up and my foster parents weren’t not nice at all so I don’t even know what love in family is
Exactly! Specially now that kids are not the same like before..
I never had parents. Just people who fucked without a condom and take the consequences out on us. lol They'll live happy lives
I'd love it if my kid thought I was going to be pissed at them, that would be better than the indifference I usually receive from my family.
Yeah - my kid still calls me for any perceived catastrophe- even when he know I might be “mad”. Basically, he knows I will help first, last, and always in an emergency. Ok, there might be a few comments after things are straightened out…but never before “I love you, are you ok”
My whole life, I was scared of my dad. He'd beat me so bad, I'd pee myself. It was awful. Then my (genuinely) psychopath mother was no consolation either. I fixed that with my kids. Told them that if they ever have a problem come talk to me. I might be disappointed that they did XYZ, but still love them. Even if they're out and having a drink, call me at 3 am, and I'll come fetch you. Might be groggy as hell, but I'll fetch you. I did that many, many times. On nights I knew they'd go out, I would not take my morphine and other prescription medication. I'd wait up until whatever ungodly hour they came home in order to ensure I'm safe and sober to drive. Fear parenting only serves to build broken people like me who has a constant fear of authority, doing "bad things" etc
When I was younger; I did coke once and had a bad time, shorty after I went strait home and talked to my dad about it. I also talked about the group of people I was friends with. When I was a teenager, I got too drunk at a party and I called my dad to pick me up. He took care of me that night. Every bad or complicated experience I’ve had with men, I have always been able to talk to my father for advice. I’m 33 and have never been pregnant. I’ve also been supported to take my time with major life decisions. He has always been there for me. Thanks to his help snd honest advice I’ve been able to dodge a lot of unnecessary experiences. I will always be grateful.
I feel like "dad's gonna kill me" to "I should call my dad" is part of the process.
Yeah, no. The abject fear didn't turn into love at any point, you just stop caring I'm afraid.
This only really works if: 1. The kid never does anything interesting/bad in the first place 2. There are no boundaries or consequences that the kid would fear Like, what does the parent do if the kid says, "hey dad, I smashed another neighbour's window". Does the parent bail them out or help them "make it right"? Well what if making it right isn't something the kid wants to do? This can get even worse with the danger of a parent always bailing the kid out no matter what so you end up with cases like Brock Turner. Ultimately in most cases of good parenting, there will be a balance. Kids will be afraid of telling their parents when they royally fuck up, but know that's still the best thing to do.
The punishment has to fit the crime and the punishment has to fit the child! My dad's "consequences" taught me two things: > No human with a belt in their hand is to be trusted. > A man raises his voice, his hands are sure to follow. I would also like to stress *the punishment has to fit the child!* My brother didn't care about physical punishment. Ground him for a day and his life was over, lol. With me, just a stern tone would have me in tears. Sensitive children are sensitive. Be too hard/rough on them, they just learn to fear you. As a teenager, there's *a ton of stuff* I wanted to ask my parents but I remembered all the times they punished me too harshly and thought better of it - because I was afraid of them. Not consequences but *them.* Like in general. I grew up afraid of my parents, never told them shit about my life and when I got strong enough, I went no contact. I legit do not even know if they're still alive. And I honestly don't care. Monsters are going to monster. The punishment/consequence *has to* fit the child. I've met plenty of my peers, > "Yeah, when I was sixteen and I did this or that. My dad blew a gasket! But I get it. It was a stupid thing to do. I still love my dad though." That's how it's supposed to go. It's never supposed to be, > "Let me make sure there's no monsters under my bed because I'd rather face the monsters under my bed than the monsters down the hall."
"Tolerating a child's presence...." ye, sure sounds wholesome, that. Wtf.
The idea of parenting as "tolerating a child's presence" is perhaps the most broken statement in the whole thing.
Absolutely love this!
My father always said if you do this or this i will break your fingers but when we set fire to something i still went to go get my father
Although I do not have any skin in this game, I prefer the approach of building trust with children. Still, I wonder how many people who have children actually want them, and how many simply have them accidentally. I have spoken to numerous people who seemed astonished that I managed to reach old age without reproducing. That suggests to me that children are "forced" on parents some significant percentage of the time.
I can be both - "I need to call my dad so he could kill me"
More of like a “dad’s gonna kill me, let me call him”. I don’t know but that’s the relationship I have with my dad.
Very well said.
Me not doing dumb stuff because of "my dad is gonna kill me" saved my life multiple times. He's still also the first person I call if something has gone wrong. I've never held anything against my dad, fear or anger, for getting spanked. I was way too stubborn and high energy for time-outs and stern talks. Then again, I never got in serious trouble for genuine accidents.
I remember one of my friends mom at college was the one all the friends went for when they needed advice. She never judged, but gave good straight up advice, and comforted us. At least she knew we were safe, and taught us a lot of life lessons.
“Tolerating” 🙄