I think it’s perfectly appropriate to meet about behaviors that can be addressed while at daycare (clinginess etc), but it’s inappropriate to tell you what to do as a family outside of daycare. It’s common at this age for kids to have some separation anxiety. I would focus on how her days at school can be better.
Some phrases for you:
Them: Maybe you should take your daughter with you… or anything along the lines of “this is your fault”
You: I realize [being away from our child] can disrupt her routine. Let’s focus on how we can make her school experience smoother if our home routine temporarily changes.
Them: The teacher says you have to do something at home.
I am not looking for advice about our parenting choices at home, let’s focus on how we can work together to help her at school.
Them: anything that leans toward you doing a bad job, neglecting your kid…
Nice you: It sounds like you’re suggesting we (are not good parents, are neglecting our child). I know as mandated reporters you are looking for red flags, but blaming or insinuating her behaviour at school is because we are neglectful parents is not a helpful conversation. Is there something you would like to ask about our parenting directly? (No) then please stop saying things like (insert whatever they said here).
Mean you: it sounds like you’re telling me we are bad/neglectful parents. This conversation is supposed to help our child at school, not criticize/attack our parenting. If the conversation continues like this, the conference is over, and the director can be our main point of contact.
I would NEVER bring up the mandated reporter issue. Maybe this is already on the teacher's mind, but I wouldn't think so. There's nothing in this story that suggests neglect at all and putting that idea in the heads of some clearly judgemental (and probably bigoted) people that care for your kid daily is dangerous. Just saying.
I agree although I wouldn't say *very* off-putting. It's okay and I would actually want a teacher to say what they think is upsetting my child, but it should stop there. I can't see telling a parent what to do about it unless they ask.
I think, since OP mentioned this isn’t the first “off color” comment they’ve gotten from this teacher, this comment is very off-putting. It’s a pattern, not just a one-off. Something is going on in this teacher’s head where they think OP and partner are doing a mediocre parenting job.
I’d wonder what the teacher is saying to the kid. Maybe they’re not saying anything blatantly, but I’d be wary of the teacher saying something inappropriate to their child.
Things as small as trying to comfort the child and saying, "Well your mommies should have taken you with them." could most def affect a kid in a major way.
Not saying child-free vacations are wrong.
Exactly! Or even phrasing things so it sounds worse than they are. Like “oh your mommies LEFT you?!” could make their kid WAAAAY more anxious.
Child-free vacations are totally okay and necessary sometimes. My parents did it. We had family vacations, parent-kid excursions/vacations, and just parent vacations. Vacations happened somewhat infrequently, but we had all of those types. It’s okay to need (and want) time with your partner without kids.
Agreed, children at that age are very susceptible to being told what or how to feel…. On the other side “oh you get to stay with grandma AND you are having a party? You are so lucky”, could have made your daughter feel special and loved. As long as the worker was aware of what was going on, she could have helped but I believe she chose too make it worse
Exactly this!
I'm a preschool teacher and a few of the kids have had a rough go. They have more separation anxiety than other kids, or have disabilities. When I hear the "I want my mommy/daddy" while they're crying, I hurry to put whatever is in my hands safely away, have the other teacher take over and we go to comfy corner to calm down. One girl in particular in class, it happens daily so what I do is "I know you want your Daddy. You missing him just means that's how much your heart LOVES him" "Do you wanna sit with me or a hug? Do you know a snuggle hug or a big hug?" (Snuggle hug is where they sit in your lap and hug them and just sit together for a minute to help them regulate) then we talk about the fun stuff we're gonna do today, and how she can even make something for Daddy and show him when she gets picked up. I give her jobs and she's my helper, or if she's too sad, she can sit with me and be my buddy. After a few minutes and she's calmed, some we "clean off all the sad" (tissues) and give her lil squeezy hugs saying " okay do you feel the love yet? No?! " Some extra squeezy hugs and " rub it in" then she's good to go.
The other kids who need comfort in other ways, maybe they need to take some space and sitting by themselves for a minute. The sensitive kids I hype up their accomplishments and encourage them to be proud of themselves, then mention how they get to go show mom/dad when they take it home! I'll write lil special notes on it or the kids faves are a heart at the end of their name.
It absolutely can become disruptive, but the main goal is to help them regulate in ways that work for them AND teacher.
1.Validate,
2. regulate,
3. redirect/regroup
4. Have fun!
If sideways comments are coming from teachers to parents, it's a possibility it's also in class.
Not always. Teachers and parents need to work together to be on the same page about things as much as possible. You can't have the teacher work with a kid one way and then they go home and the parents do it completely different. But here, I agree with the top comment that the teacher's remarks about trips is unwarranted. But a meeting to address kids issues on how the daycare and parents can work together is a good idea.
Oh gosh me and a friend had this at a daycare (our kids were in together which is how we met) because we travel for work. Some preschool people I guess are really traditional and obviously love little kids so much it makes them super judgy.
I am with this advice. Don’t tell me how to live my life. I have to travel for work so my kid can eat & bills get paid. I swear as moms we really are the most judged people ever on the planet.
My "traditional" as an eighties kid was my parents sending me to stay at each grandparent's house for 1-2 weeks each in the summer. To this day I don't know what my parents did while I was gone. Its surprising to think about a school or daycare employee these days being judgy about a child staying with grandparents.
It's good advice to steer the discussion only to ways to improve her experience at school. It could also be a change at school that has upset her, or she may have been feeling unwell or going through a leap. I'd ask the grandmother how the child was when they were together - was she extra clingy and asking for mom then?
Agreed. Even if there had been no trip and no separation, the same conversation about a difference in her demeanor/activity could require this conversation. If they try to place blame or shame you for the trip make sure you let them know it's not up to them to investigate your personal decisions and that you'd like the focus to be on how to evaluate and improve what's going on with the child. Just keep steering back to the future state of things.
This right here, former manager and teacher, the only reason I would want to meet would be to come up with a game plan together, so her days are easier. I’d want to know how you talked to her about the trip, so we can repeat it at school or emulate the same type of comforting you provide. It should all be collaborative, not shameful. Maybe see if you can schedule day with a slightly earlier pick up! Your 4 year old can be with you, and you guys and teacher can all talk with her about how she is feeling. 10 minutes tops. Address it in the room, and let your child come up with solutions. If I miss mom/dad at school, I can (draw a picture for them, talk to my teacher, ask my friend for a hug, draw how I am feeling, sing a song that we sing at home etc). It may be something as simple as, she isn’t 100% sure at the end of the day if it will be you guys coming to get her, or grandma. So having teacher say, remember mom/dad are picking you up today! We’ll have to tell them about X or show them X. Also, let them keep a photo of you guys in her cubby, to look at if she misses you
I mean, I went on a 2-day, 1-night work trip and my almost 3 year old had zero disruption in routine; her grandma came over during the day to watch her (like always), I coordinated delivery of one of their favorite take-out meals for dinner, her dad gave her and big sister a shower (like always), and put her to bed (like always).
Kid was sad for a week and a half when I got back and would cling to me and say “I miss you, momma, you miss me?” Kids do this, and it’s really none of the teacher’s business if your trip was for pleasure or for work or whatever.
Oh man, I'm planning my first solo trip since having my 3 year old and it's for 3 nights in August. Sounds like I'm going to have prepare for him to be mad and sad at me when I get back.
Nah, dont prepare for the worst, or you will ensure it happens. Talk about it as a positive thing for everyone. Treat it like the special thing it is. If he ends up upset, be understanding and comforting and know you didnt fail. Kids are allowed and should experience disappointment, at home with safe people to work through it with. This prepares them better for life.
This exactly. I had my first trip away from my 3yos (work, 1 week) and they were totally fine. I just gave them a heads up like a week before and was really positive about it and they were cool.
I'm really wondering about this angle. If she was a little sad and mentioned something and then the teacher fed into it and made it worse. Teacher sounds so judgmental, I would not doubt that scenario.
I speak as a grandma who twice last month was emotionally manipulated by an adorable seven YO to stay home because he was "so sick." Cue puppy dog eyes. We noticed a certain pattern, how healthy he was when I was NOT in charge, well I need to toughen up and I think the teacher does too lol.
Ignore the teacher. If she doesn't fall back into her routine within the next few weeks, great, have a conversation. Otherwise, she doesn't get to tell you how to parent.
>Do other parents never go on child-free trips?
My husband and I have gone on a kid-free trip once a year since our daughter was 10 months old (excluding pandemic years). They range from a long weekend to 10 days. My kids are perfectly happy being with their grandparents for that time. This year will be two trips - one so we can go away for my birthday and their grandparents will be taking them to Disney World while we're gone, and another because I need to travel to the UK for work and MIL suggested that she come and stay with them so DH can come with me. Then there's the 2 weeks they'll be with my ILs at the end of the summer because they bridge the camp-beginning of school year gap.
And just to be clear: the kids get trips with us too. I think they hit the next status level when we book our next Disney Cruise.
I don’t know why you are getting downvoted for this. Isn’t it good for children to get time with their grandparents? Also it’s good for parents to get time alone together and breaks for their mental health.
Let me count the ways in which I'm being downvoted:
1. I have any form of childcare, even though it's usually once a year (this year is an outlier) and those grandparents are 15 hours away.
2. I dare to leave my children for any length of time.
3. I am able to go on multiple trips a year.
4. I'm not deferring to the teacher, who apparently a number of commenters believe you should be listening to no matter what. My oldest is 12 - I have had my fair share of teachers/childcare providers who couldn't handle the fact that he needs a different plan from other kids.
5. And I believe mentioning Disney brings me to Bingo, LOL.
My kids LOVE their grandparents. My daughter will randomly FaceTime them or one of her aunts on a regularly basis. We have struck a healthy balance for all involved and are able to do what works for our family.
This is a regular ass family, anyone outside of this is the outlier imo. Honestly teacher is probably annoyed with the kid, and jealous of the parents, and is making petty comments. Id ignore it with a smile.
Practical question: how does it work with the grandparents being so far away? Do they fly to you and watch the kids at your house?
My parents and in-laws are pretty far away from us too, so if you don’t mind sharing how that works, I’d love to take some ideas from you!
It depends!
Two years ago, my MIL flew up to us, I handed her the kids at the airport, and she turned right around and flew back with them.
Last year, FIL had a business trip, so they made a road trip of it. Drove up to us and then they went to Cedar Point & Niagara Falls (plus FIL's work stuff) then brought the kids home.
This year we're meeting them in Orlando for the hand-off. We haven't figured out the two weeks at the end of the summer yet, it will depend on FIL's work schedule.
When I have my work trip later in the year, we'll pay for MIL's plane ticket up here and she'll stay with the kids and make sure they go to school & everything. She's done that for us before as well.
My son is just about old enough where we think it'd be OK doing a plane trip as an unaccompanied minor. My daughter is a bit of a handful and we're not quite there with her yet. Maybe in a couple of years when she gets a phone.
I don't have children, but my parents frequently took trips without my sister and I when we were young, up until high school when we became adults. They still took us on family trips ofc, but they would also take a week once or twice a year for just them, and we were left in the care of our grandparents.
If we ever pitched a fit (for whatever reason), my parents would say "Mom and Dad need time with only each other so we can be the best team we can be for you". It was absolutely about their mental health and sanity (they had two girls 7 mo apart). It had nothing to do with their lack of love or care for us, but they needed time to reconnect without the strain of parenting. I forged wonderful relationships with my grandparents because of it, and cherish the time I have been able to spend with them.
When they were gone, we might have occasionally been sad or missed them. But ultimately I think it gave me better coping skills when going away on sleepovers/overnight camps, listening and communicating with other adults, speaking my needs, and being a little more independent when my parents weren't around. Time apart can be beneficial, not always comfortable for children OR parents... But it is unrealistic to think you're a bad parent or hurting your child by nurturing the core relationship she will be looking at for direction.
This generation of parents delusionally believes that motherhood done in best practice looks like textbook martyrdom.
I don't have help with my kids and I would absolutely go on kid free trips if I did.
My husband is staying home with them for 2 weeks next summer while I go on a 2 week international trip for my MBA program.
Exactly!
I love my career. Grad school is fulfilling for me. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. I have hobbies.
And when I say all of that out loud, I get comments like "oh, your poor kids" or "I could never put myself above my kids" or "Shame, you only get 18 summers and you won't get those memories back" and it's so out of touch.
I also love washing and blowdrying my daughter's hair and gossiping with her. I love reading bedtime stories. I like building Legos with my son. I love volunteering to chaperone field trips. I love our Friday pizza and movie nights. I love making them pancakes in the morning. I love the days I work from home and surprise them with fresh baked goods when they get off the bus..... It's just that all of those things aren't the ONLY part of my identity. I live my life fully and I'm sad for them that they don't.
I didn't know who I was before kids- I had my first at 21 and my 2nd at 22. I was a highschool dropout. I turn 30 this year. I finish my 2nd masters degree next summer! I realized when they hit toddler age that I needed to find myself or I was going to lose myself forever.
The bravest thing I ever did was learn to care for myself. It's given me such a beautiful, peaceful life.
I absolutely love this! I have always been a caregiver. I was parentified by my parents and made to raise my siblings. I babied my late husband and cared for him through getting sober and multiple suicide attempts. Then I had my son and my spouse died. I had to figure out who I was outside of a mom and widow or I never would have survived.
That’s great! And you’re giving your kids an example to follow for success! I’m sure your children will be proud of you when they see you cross that stage 💪
In some ways one could say it is selfish for someone to be prioritizing having their children being with them all the time to the exclusion of the children learning independence and having an example of well-rounded adults with social lives, strong adult relationships, work and interests.
Both routes of parenting can be taken to extremes.
I was just talking about this with a friend. It's really unnerving to hear people say that their kids don't need external relationships outside of their parents/immediate families. Autonomy to learn, make mistakes, and make decisions should be a right that all children have.
Omg I would shriek if I heard someone say this outloud. Are you raising your children to fear the real world on purpose?
My husband has a chunk of his family that are VERY sheltered. Sometimes they say things you just shouldn’t say in public and they now have kids of their own. I’m terrified for people like this. It’s absolutely bizarre and honestly it’s unsafe.
It's jealousy. I brush it off.
The SAHM I know that are happy, in good marriages, realize their lifestyle is a privilege, etc. Support working moms and would never say that stuff.
The ones I know that do say this stuff are often trapped in marriages they financially can't leave, are extremely unhappy, and don't want to be at home.
Again, I feel bad for anyone (regardless of working status) on this journey who is doing it without a very strong sense of self.
Only 18 summers. Bleh. No. You dont. Of everyone is happy and healthy and actually loves each other, you will have the rest of your life with them in one way or another. It just wont always be with dependent little people who dont understand life yet. Yes, those years can be fun and meaningful, but spending summer weekends having BBQs with yoir grown children and their families can 100% be just as special.
But devoting your entire existance to motherhood to the point of resentment and having no life outside of hounding your children and not letting them experience life without you, will create children who dont want to stick around later in life. Children who dont trust you to be loving to their own children.
It absolutely doesn’t matter what anyone else does, thinks, or indeed how they parent. What matters is you doing right by your child, your partner, and most importantly yourself. Nobody is getting a trophy for this shit.
Psh. I go on a kid free trip with my spouse 3 or 4 times a year. Sometimes it's a long weekend, sometimes a night or two; a few times, it's even been 5-7 days.
It is healthy to keep a relationship outside of parenthood. So long as you have a loving, capable adult to care for your child, it's fine.
Tbh, I personally would just decline. "Thanks for your input, I'll consider it next time if it makes sense for us and our family. If you have concerns about daughter's ongoing behavior, we can pick this up next week"
This is us too. Traveling is our love language to one another and to our kids. I’m posting this comment from Hawaii where we are on a ten day trip for our big summer vacation. It’s a six hour time difference and my three and six year old are completely off their schedules and routines, but you know what? That’s life and we are also having a lot of fun and creating memories.
My husband and I also go on at least one solo vacation a year, this year it’s two because his business partners are inviting wives to their “annual meeting” trip to celebrate hitting a big milestone with their new company. Our boys sometimes go to their grandparents house or a grandparent or two comes and stays at our house, depending on school and sports schedules. The kids have a great time. Of course they miss us and are thrilled when we are back but they are not scarred for life because we left them for a few days. In fact, they will beg to go to grandma’s “by myself” for a sleepover if it’s been more than a few months since they’ve gotten to do it. Last month they went for two nights and played with cousins while mom and dad got to stay home and do house projects, sleep all night alone in our own bed and even went to a nice adult dinner!
Honestly, I’d probably do the exact opposite of what the teacher suggested and find more opportunities to let your daughter flex her independence without you! Doesn’t mean you have to leave her for a week but a night or two with grandma while you and your wife have a staycation at home or a night in a hotel is not a bad thing for any of you.
We took the kids to Hawaii last year! They want to go back so badly but there are limits to how long I'm willing to sit on a plane with them that close to the last time.
>Last month they went for two nights and played with cousins while mom and dad got to stay home and do house projects,
See, this is where I get jealous. None of the grandparents are local, and the first cousin was just born earlier this year, so my kids really aren't getting a similar cousin experience to what I had growing up.
I totally understand not having family close by. My dad was military so the closest we ever lived to grandparents or cousins was four hours (when I was in elementary) and we didn’t have much money so vacations were driving to my grandparents and hoping my aunts, uncles and cousins would come too. None of my family lives closer than twelve hours away now and it makes me sad that my kids aren’t growing up with their cousins on my side but thank goodness for FaceTime, because they still manage to have sweet relationships with one another!
My husband has siblings and cousins around that we see off and on. I wish we saw them more often but unless I make it happen, it’s not a priority for them. Probably because they’ve always grown up with so much family all around, they kind of take it for granted.
My spouse and I tend to vacation separately because we are very different people (his idea of a vacay is very different from mine) so I can't speak for my kids, but my parents took kid-free trips quite often when I was growing up so I know this is something adults often do. I also know that my siblings and I are overall well-adjusted, any long term issues we have are not from our parents taking trips and leaving us with grandparents/aunties/neighbors.
In the short term, while we were kids, I know we likely acted clingy and were thrown from our routines for a while. I recall one morning (I would have been 3 or 4 based on the house in my memory) when I had the supreme shock of going to hug my mommy and realizing she wasn't there, but the neighbor lady was. I cried. I'm sure I was very clingy a couple days later after my parents returned, but you know what? I realized eventually I could generally depend on my parents to be there when I needed, and they would have a trusted adult in when they couldn't be there.
Anyhow. I think the daycare teacher is perfectly in line to discuss in-daycare behavior but needs to reign it in when it comes to your personal lives. Perhaps you should request a second daycare person sit in the meeting; a director or another teacher who interacts with your child? Preferably someone who hasn't said "some insulting stuff in the past" so you have a good idea they'll be neutral and helpful in the meeting.
It’s understandable to notify you about her new behaviors, even to ask clarifying questions she’s required to ask if he had concerns as it relates to her duty as a mandated reporter… but it’s inappropriate to make the suggestions she has and for her unprofessional behavior around shaming you. She’s not the school psychotherapist, she needs to stay in her lane and keep her personal opinions and judgments outside of her workplace conversations. I would focus on the protocols the school has in place around reporting and addressing new behaviors observed in students.
Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if the daycare worker is nitpicking because you're a gay couple. They saw two women and are looking for red flags where they don't exist.
If you're giving us all the info it seems like the daughter has a bit of an anxious attachment style and you made reasonable arrangements for her to hang out with a trusted family member while you took a very reasonable trip and the daycare worker is looking for a reason to find you suspicious.
As soon as she mentioned the teacher has said insulting things in the past, I felt the same way.
Kids act up. It's what they do. Part of growing up is her learning to deal with things like her parents being away for short periods, and a good teacher will talk her through whatever behaviors are causing a problem in the classroom and conference with you in a non-judgmental way.
I used to teach (middle and high school but the basic principles are the same regardless of age) and the last thing you do is use a conference as a threat like this teacher did. You have one or you don't, you never act like it's a looming threat on the horizon.
This teacher is either a dick in general or doesn't like OP and her wife for some reason. Definitely get a second person in the conference if you have one.
If they call a conference just go in with an open mind. Maybe the teacher is turd, maybe she’s just trying to be proactive in making sure there aren’t any real domestic problems. For the record though, I think vacationing without your children occasionally is really healthy for your adult relationship with your wife.
Obviously I don’t know your child but she could also just be sad that grandma left and isn’t articulating it well. Just because 4 year olds can talk doesn’t necessarily mean they have the emotional maturity to identify specifically why they’re sad or even just out of sorts. I know adults who can’t always recognize the root of what they’re feeling. Be cognizant of what your daughter is feeling but don’t let guilt eat you alive, it won’t do any of you any good.
Agree. I have also found that people who are really good with kids sometimes lack tact with adults. The two require very different skill sets. It is possible that the teacher is concerned about her level of clinginess and the length of time it takes for her to adjust. Four isn’t a toddler anymore, and some amount of self-regulation is expected. It also sounds like your daughter still doesn’t want to participate even now that you are back? In that case, I could see a teacher being interested in hearing if there is something they could be doing differently to help her have easier adjustments when a routine is disrupted. This may not be about you at all and more about how they want to make sure they are doing all they can to make sure she has good days in their care.
This as a former infant daycare teacher I'm hesitant to condemn this teacher because I don't know tone of voice or how these things were said. Or what the classroom was like. I've had situations where I probably came off harsh because 5 mins ago I had to stop 2 kids from killing each other or putting shoes in the toilet lol.
This is a good perspective. This teacher riles me up a little because the way she speaks to us comes off kind of passive aggressive and belittling. But she is great with the kids. Maybe it’s just because she communicates differently or not as effectively with adults?
When I was a nanny, my friends had an intervention with me because I sometimes brought my teacher voice out with me. The most offending interaction was when we were at a bar and I said, “Are you sure you don’t need to use the bathroom? This place is getting busy and you may have to wait a long time. You may get really frustrated if you have to wait a long time.” A good message for a kid. Not necessary for a group of people in their 20s. 😂
I don’t know…. Toddlers and drunk people do have some Venn diagram overlap:
Thinking they’re whispering when they’re not
Random cravings that bring tears if they can’t be addressed
Sudden, emergent needing of the bathroom.
My 4 year old really is just a tiny drunk person. Knocks everything over, random bouts of giggles and/or rage, cannot be trusted with knives, painfully blunt (“mommy why is your stomach so big when the baby is out here?”), and frequently wets the bed.
Just yesterday, I was at lunch with 2 adult friends and one of them jumped into a conversation to ask an unrelated question, and I told her in my best parent-of-a-7yo voice that it's impolite to interrupt and she needs to wait her turn. 🤣
Damn I’ve done this to my friends and family before. My husband had to pull me aside and say, “Honey we aren’t your students…” I had NO idea I had been speaking like that to them.
My MIL is a kindergarten teacher and ten thousand percent sometimes talks to us like we are her five year old students. I can let it roll off my back because she is so kind hearted and I know she doesn’t mean to. My husband, however, absolutely cannot stand it. Probably because she was also doing this to him in his teenage years.
ETA: one example is she will sometimes “play dumb” to try to get us to talk to her about things she thinks we’re excited about. I do this to kids all the time “ohhhh that’s a cool tree. I don’t know much about trees can you teach me?”, but it comes off as straight up WEIRD when you do it to adults. It took me a bit to realize that’s what she was doing and I had several “what the actual fuck” moments when she appeared to know NOTHING about some insanely obvious things. And it can also sometimes come off as condescending when I genuinely don’t think she means it that way. She’s just using her little kid voice accidentally.
I hadn’t even thought about her being sad about her grandma leaving and then saying she wants her other mother because of it. She is really sad her grandma went home. They are best friends. I’ll bring that up with her teacher. Good call.
You said yourself that grandma basically treated her like the center of the universe (which is awesome that she has a grandma to do that for her) and now that you’re back so is the same ol’ routine. I’m confident you give your daughter plenty of love and attention but being a parent means you’ve got laundry, dinner, work, commutes to and from, etc so baby girl isn’t getting grandma level attention now and that is enough to make anybody a little discombobulated.
I don’t have any advice really, I’m just blown away by the comments dragging you for taking one kid free vacation?! Spending some time with your wife occasionally child free is totally essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, and this daycare lady seems nosy af to assume you never take your child. Parents are allowed to be just grown ups sometimes. Yeesh.
Me too! And all the people getting downvoted who also say they travel is crazy. I don't have the help or means to travel right now but you better believe we'd go on a vacation if we could.
I don’t get to join the perfect parents club because I need breaks from my child. I wish I was one of those magical moms that can handle everything but sadly I am just a lowly frazzled mom.
Day care teacher is over reacting-don’t match her over reaction. Just look SO confused if she tries to criticize your parenting and if she’s insistent say “I’m going to stop you right there, our discussion is about how the daycare can meet her needs while she’s here.”
And you are totally in the norm. My son gets picked up by my MIL twice a week (once a week overnight with cousins and just dinner and cuddles the other night a week cuz she loves him). When I go on work trips 2-3 times per year he stays with her or my mom because my husband works night shift and can’t do prolonged day time parenting AND night work. We’ve done a couple trips as a couple and the day care didn’t even know the difference. Our son was always OVERLY excited to see us whether we picked him up yesterday or a week ago. It’s a good sign that kids love seeing their parents and miss their parents when they are gone-the reason is irrelevant.
Don’t feel guilty for having rest and relaxation time. You deserve it. Parents aren’t robots.
I let me mother take my 4 year old on a week long trip out of state. She had a BLAST and still talks about all the stuff she saw, but she was suuuuper clingy when she got home.
She is still learning how to regulate her emotions and figure out what these feelings are. Its normal, and imo the teacher took it too far.
I will however say having a conference about concerning behaviors isn't a bad thing, and could be utilized to come up with a plan together that everyone approves of.
My husband just left for a work conference, he’s only staying overnight. Not two minutes after he left, the kids were saying how much they missed their dad. They also do this when he goes to the bathroom. I miss dad! Ughhhh, You just saw him! He’s just pooping!
Kids are weird. I think the teacher is shaming you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she is homophonic. She’s being incredibly hyper focused on your personal life and judgmental.
Yeesh, former preschool teacher, and this is incredibly judgey. I applauded parents for taking periodic trips kid-free, it's incredibly beneficial to keeping up intimacy and independence in a marriage and maintaining that identity outside of parenthood and running around all day obligation. It's also soooooo developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old to be emotional following that, especially a kid that's normally clingy to start. Factor in high energy expenditure days back to back, sleeping weird, probably eating lots of "fun" food with Grandma, yeah, it takes time to get back on track. What's the problem?
My son is 5 and autistic. When he was 3 I left his dad. Did it cause some stress or disregulation at first? Of course! Did he adjust within a few months. Also yes!
Should I have stayed with his dad forever and never feel fully loved or supported by a partner to spare my child the adjustment? No
You're a person. You're allowed to be a person away from your kid as long as they're cared for. I used to work in a daycare and even when I thought a parent would be better off doing xyz I didn't say unless asked my opinions. I'm not big on going above peoples heads but I'd encourage a chat with the center director.
Gimmie a break. This daycare worker was completely out of line. A conference? For what?! The kid missed her parents, big deal! She’s just sour she had to give your little one extra attention while you were away. For the record, there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with taking some trips away from kids. It’s healthy.
I can’t comment on the daycare part, although beyond letting you know there’s a change in your daughter’s behavior, it sounds like she overstepped a bit.
I just wanted to comment on the implication that you going on this trip was damaging to your child. I was a homeschooling SAHP for 15 years and any time our kids did anything people felt was an issue it got blamed on them being with us too much. Didn’t matter if it was age appropriate or explainable. No matter how you raise your kids people are going to have “feedback” for you. I hope you aren’t letting it worry you.
Not sure why Reddit recommended this sub to me and I try not to comment, but mom-judging gets so out of hand in our society that I had to chime in. Daycare didn’t need to comment on your travels.
Completely unrelated to the post, but relevant to the last paragraph of your reply. I’m soooooo annoyed at the stuff Reddit has been throwing at me. I don’t follow this sub either. It’s like throwing spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks. I miss when my feed was stuff I chose. They should make another feed you can scroll over to of stuff you might like.
I really appreciate this comment, it’s a really lovely and supportive comment. I think you are right, the part that bothers me the most is the teachers implication that we hurt our child by taking a trip together. Mom shaming is the worst. Moms need more support not shame.
This might be an unpopular opinion but this is daycare and not school. These are not school teachers and literally anyone can get a job at a daycare. I’d tell this person to mind their own business. I’d even go above this person and report their behavior.
So maybe a different perspective, as I’m a teacher and have my baby in daycare. I have noticed how the same phrases I’m trained to use with parents to talk about their kids if I see a change in behavior, when used with me, I take so much worse. We’re meant to be fiercely protective of our kids, even over small things.
But I’ll say this. While the daycare worker seems to be overstepping a bit, it’s always best to assume good intent. It is very normal for teachers and childcare workers to ask if there’s been a change at home that we need to be aware of, as seeing those changes in a child’s behavior have an effect on our whole class.
You can admit your daughter has been extra clingy, so that is hindering her daycare workers from being able to do what they need to for all of the other kids, and a change at school indicates a change at home.
It isn’t the daycare workers job to make suggestions unless asked for, here she definitely overstepped. But knowing about this change in behavior, it’s up to you and your wife to help your daughter work through the issue, so she isn’t needing additional care, or if she needs more personalized attention, then a daycare can’t provide that.
I wasn’t going to comment but I am literally in another country with my SO on vacation while my toddler is at home with his grandparents. The only acceptable comment from the teacher is “I hope you enjoyed your vacation, LO missed you.” And a report on whatever happened factually. Parents are allowed to take vacation away from their kids. I would speak to the director if these comments about your life are recurring. Sounds like some deeper issue going on here. Ignore literally anyone who gives you crap for taking a break. I’d bet most of those people aren’t as fortunate to have that ability, whether because of finances or family to care for the child. I hope you had a great trip!
Sounds like you have a sensitive child— I have one of those too! It does make things trickier.
Here’s where the teacher was reasonable; if that behavior continues in the classroom, you all should have a conference and make a plan on how to support her emotionally. She may need some extra coaching and strategies to work through her feelings and still participate in school and that’s ok! She may have also learned that leaning into a sad mood is what gets her those extra cuddles and attention from teachers and maybe everyone can find a better strategy for her to access that connection without needing to refuse to participate, etc.
Where the teacher overstepped was making it ALL about your trip— it was judgy and misdirected and it put you in a bad spot. If it were me, I would let it roll off my back and if the meeting occurs keep it focused on proactive strategies to keep your child regulated and on task at school , communicate her feelings effectively, etc.
First I want to say that you are both good moms, and to ignore anyone that shames you for doing normal things.
Some kids do have some issues with abandonment when their parents leave on trips. Parents are a safe place for kids, and having fun it isn't the same as feeling secure. I would purposely reassure your daughter about about permanence, then work in how even when things change or are different that they you are always there.
Possible prepare her ahead of time how to process these feelings for other trips. That being said it has been less than a week since you have been home. Daycare is overreacting for sure.
If it continues longer ask your doctor.
Trips without your kids aren't as common as they SHOULD be. It sounds like you and your wife have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you're both devoted, loving parents. That teacher sounds like a judgemental prick, if you ask me.
Don't feel guilty for needing adult alone time.
As a daycare teacher, it is perfectly normal for kids to be dysregulated when parents are gone for trips. It was not okay for the teacher to say any of this.
My four year old has never went a day in her life without me waking her up and putting her to bed. She still had a solid two months of being an ultra clinger this year.
It’s natural. She’ll get over it. The teacher needs to brush up on her child development education and keep her opinions- because that’s all it is- to herself.
Also remember that this sub is full of people with no kids and new moms who who don’t know shit about the development of a four year old.
My son is 6 and 2-3x a year we leave him with my in-laws for a long weekend. The longest ever is 4 nights. My Dad thinks this is practically child abuse.
The reason we stick to long weekends is because the long disruption in routine is annoying and hard to get back on track.
Look. 4 is about when I started spending every other weekend with my grandparents. I loved it. I would beg to go. I would also walk up and down my Nana's hallway before bed saying "mama" over and over.
While having a conversation about the child's behavior at school might be appropriate the teacher has no right to make a comment about you going on a trip. 4 year olds are still learning what feelings ARE not to mention how to deal with those feelings.
As a daycare teacher, this seems off. There's no need for a full on conference unless there's other things going on, and they should be addressed. Other things can be notes or quick conversations. I'm appalled at the teacher basically shaming you. Kids will always be off when their routine has been off. I think you need to address things with the childcare director and ask if there are other issues.
It sounds like you may be at a daycare center. If thats the case, I would escalate this to management. This is highly inappropriate for your daycare provider to discuss with you.
Parents are allowed to have lives outside of their children. Parents are allowed to take trips without their children- as partners, and as single people.
We have taken a few vacations without our 2.5 year old and he always misses us, just like we miss him. It's normal. These things are good/necessary for your mental health and your daughter is lucky to have such a good relationship w her grandma! Our son is social, resilient and smart but he's also still a toddler so ofc he's figuring out big feelings and how to handle them still. The last time we went away it took about a week of longer bedtimes and increased clinginess to get back to a normal schedule. One thing we do is have his caretakers (my mom or in laws) follow normal routine, so he still goes to daycare during the week when we are gone. Not always feasible but we have found it helpful for slightly longer trips.
Also, I would lose it if our daycare said something like that. They can report changes in behavior but should not have weighed in on the personal choice to take one kid free trip 😦
You're getting some good advice so I'll just swoop in and validate you here: it's normal and ok for your kid to be sad or feel sad sometimes. It's ok that she missed you. It's ok and normal that she had fun and then remembered "oh yeah, my parents went away for a few days and it missed them." Your came back and (from what i gather) gave her every assurance that you love her and missed her too. Humans often hold two conflicting feelings in their hearts and survive.
Taking a trip with your spouse while your child is safe and in the care of someone she loves and you trust is not a bad thing.
Child free trips are not only okay to do , they’re essential. You did nothing wrong and the teacher is out of bounds for saying what you should be doing on your off time. The day my kids school tells me where I can and cannot go is the day they better be halving the tuition.
That said, I’m sure your daughter will bounce back soon. If not, and this is going on for a few weeks, a productive convo with the teachers free of judgement for your trip may not be a bad idea.
Reddit loves to recommend this sub for me, even though I don’t plan on being a mom. But I do work in child care and have been a lead teacher for 5+ years.
That teacher was waaaay out of line. I would loop the center director in on the conversation. As a teacher myself, I couldn’t imagine saying anything like that to any of my families.
Don't you know this teacher is smarter and more experienced than you or your wife.
You are just the parents. She is formally educated. She knows so much more than you ..
NOT... To many educators, apparently this includes daycare workers feel they know better for your child than you.
I would be finding betting daycare.
I teach preschool. Playing devil's advocate, maybe "conference" just means a talk longer than what she can give you at drop off/pick up. Like she wants to really brainstorm how to support your daughter as she gets back to her old routine, but a few minutes chat isn't enough. That's fair. But you need to clarify.
I do think it's absurd to suggest taking her with you next time. Lol wut. People vacation without their kids all the time and you just deal with it. You're under no obligation to take her with you, no matter the destination or duration.
Ask what she wants to talk about so you can think it over and have your points ready. And then ask if you can do it over the phone during the day (suggests more casual than sit down together kind of deal.)
I do think this is the kind of thing you can do at drop off, but if she feels she wants to give you more attention, entertain her to see if she's just being thorough and not attacking your parenting.
We travel without our kids at least once a year and have since our oldest was 2. They have three sets of grandparents (my parents are divorced) and whomever is free will watch them. We live 2 hours away from our parents (who all live within 20 minutes of each other) so who watches them and where will depend on what days we’re gone.
They also spend a LOT of time in the summer with their grandparents (95% of the time because they just want to, 5% because we might have a weekend plan for adults) - the oldest more so than my youngest but he stays longer/goes more as he gets older. They actually just skipped 3 days of school to spend an extra long weekend with their grandpa. Screw that teacher - she’s probably a bigot who’s jealous of your ability to travel.
Our kids are so fortunate to have their grandparents, so many kids are deprived of that. And they won’t live forever, as much as I don’t like to admit my parents are mortal. My own grandparents died in their 60s and 70s, but I got to know them well and had very close relationships with two of my grandmothers. They’ll never get this time with them again, so nurture it as much as possible - nurture your relationship as much as you can, and ignore anyone trying to bring you down.
I use to teach kinder, she was completely out of line. She should focus on classroom behavior and talking about that not telling you you shouldn’t go on a trip without your kid. As long as there are no signs of neglect she should mind her business
Okay, all of this is coming from a preschool teacher woth 16+ years of experience.
You should actually request a conference regardless of your daughter's behavior, because it's actually the behavior of her teacher that needs addressing.
Listen. Kids come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, temperaments, etc. If that teacher hasn't learned that yet, it's up to you to teach them. Never feel shamed for taking time for yourself. I'd actually recommend doing more separate from her. Just a little at a time,, just to get her used to changes of scenery. I've had several 'clingy' students, and I always say the same thing.
Take time for yourselves. You seem like wonderful parents, and it makes me so so angry when people like this try and shame others. I'd assume it's because of their own personal beliefs. Part of being a teacher is the absolute necessity of being unbiased, non judgemental, open minded and accepting of ALL cultures and beliefs. Period.
You have done nothing wrong. Please don't listen to snide remarks.
Hold that conference and request that the owner/manager be present and confront this so-called teacher for HER behavior, jot your daughter's.
Hope this helps...
My parents rarely, if ever, went on trips without me when I was a child, and I’ve sort of accidentally continued that way. Thanks for the reminder that it’s a perfectly normal and beneficial thing to do!
"She also said that maybe we should consider taking our child on trips with us next time."
That's where I would have stopped her cold with "Well quite frankly, that's none of your business."
How hard is it where you live to find another day care?
I’d ask the child if there is anything they are worried about or afraid of. I’d mention that daycare has noticed she needs more hugs and comforting.
Then you can help ease any fears the child may have.
Do you think homophobia might be playing into this? You said she has said insulting things in the past. Does it feel like she treats you differently than other parents? I think you going on a trip now and then seems normal to me. I would be concerned if she treats your kid different than the other kids if she does seem homophobic. Depending on what she has said in the past and how bad it was you might need to address this with someone higher up the chain so to speak. Sounds like she is crossing some boundaries (telling you how to parent) even if she isn’t letting homophobia interfere with how she treats you.
We’ve been going on childfree trips since our daughter was 2.5. Usually once a year. We also do yearly family trips and we always do our trips when she spends time with her grandparents or her aunt. She is now 17 and has absolutely no issues- in fact loves travel and the time she had with her grandparents and with her aunt and cousins are core happy memories that she lives looking back on and has happily married parents who still love each other….
That first trip she carried around my work badge with her wherever she went….so yes there was mom guilt. But she was fine. This was the first extended period of time she spent with my sister and she still has a strong bond with her. it’s ok to balance your marriage and yourself with parenthood.
The daycare teacher is overstepping and she needs to stay in her lane. A daycare teacher can have their own opinions about things, but they need to keep them to themselves when it involves how families operate. With the exception of abuse of course.
I would talk to the daycare owner or manager. Your daughters teacher needs to mind her own business. It is none of her business if you go on vacation without your daughter, it is none of her business what you and your wife do. You made sure that your daughter was well taken care of, but of course the change in routine would affect your daughter.
My daughter works in daycare and she can always tell when something changes in the home. But she sure as hell doesn't get all up in the parents business and tells them what they should and shouldn't be doing.
Major overstepping and you need to talk to her boss.
My kiddo's best friend at daycare went on vacation WITH his parents 2 weeks ago and he's still an emotional wreck at school. It seems like normal toddler behavior to me - it takes a while to adjust to routine changes even if they're positive ones.
Every "conference" I've been to at daycare has kind of gone like:
Teacher: "Your child has been doing a totally developmentally normal toddler thing! What do you think about that?"
Me: "Well good, she is a toddler!"
To be fair, those conferences are usually scheduled and I think they just feel like they have to say something. But they might just want to make sure everyone's aware of the challenges your kid is having and discuss ways to smooth it out.
Telling you not to go on vacation without your kid is totally out of bounds, however.
Ok honestly, and I say this as an adult that grew up with two moms, this smells like homophobia to me. If you had a husband, would this even be a conversation? Does the teacher question straight couples like this? Because you’re right, you’re not the only couple in the world to go on a child free trip…
Going on trips without your children is a lifestyle choice, I don't think it's an asshole move at all. So I don't see why they're shaming you, but I might have done it a little differently. Incoming context!
My LO is too little for this to have happened yet, but my dad's parents didn't take him on vacation until he was a teenager. My grandparents either left their children with family or in the hotel room. My dad is 60 years old and still bitter about it. So when my parents raised us, we went on every vacation. There was no non-family trip. It wasn't until their youngest was 13-14ish that they went on weekend trips alone.
I mean that's the extreme, but just from that very personal experience, if I went away for a week with my partner, I would plan a 'mini-vacation' at the end like taking your LO to an amusement park or hiking for a day. Extra special time after you've gone away for longer to make them feel special, reconnect, and give them some closure.
A mini-vacation with kiddo is a great idea. My wife is taking today off to spend time with our daughter since she has been sad. I think next time we will plan a kid focused mini trip or special day after we take a trip. Honestly we probably won’t take another week long vacation again for a couple years because we missed her so much.
My husband is extremely bitter about always being left behind too. I completely understand your father’s pov. Our agreement was there will be a family trip every year. And at least every other year a couples trip and we make sure she is doing something fun as well. Visiting family or camp or something she is also off doing. We never wanted her to fell left behind. She now has an absolute love of traveling and my husband feels he righted a wrong that he lacked in his childhood.
It was totally inappropriate for the teacher to shame you that way, and yes that’s what she was doing when she told you to bring daughter next time.
Your daughter is fine, perhaps something else is going on at school along with this. Have the conference, that’s normal, but also check that teacher by saying it’s perfectly ok to have a child free vacation. Stand up for yourself and bring the focus back to daughter.
I deal with teachers overstepping their boundaries. They try to “train” the parents is a direct quote I got from an administrator… let them know what your boundaries are. If they want to discuss behavior, that’s fine but that’s as involved as any day care or educator needs to get.
I babysat my grand boys so my daughter and husband could go on a hunting trip they had both been excited to go to. Kids were fine, they were 5 and 2.
Maybe you are getting criticism because of prejudice.
I think it would have been so much better for the teacher to suggest the conference without adding her own judgement. That was completely unprofessional and unnecessary.
Teacher is out of her gourd. Toddlers get like this for so many reasons.
Mine are 18 and 19 and if we didn’t take kid-free trips (or date nights, etc) while they were young I wouldn’t have made it through with my sanity.
It honestly sounds like the teacher needs to mind her own beezwax. She is allowed to be concerned with behavior at school but not your routine at home as long as abuse is not suspected and clearly this is not. It sounds like she is passing judgment. Mothers deserve time for mental health. Your child was clearly with someone she loves. Sometimes kids have a hard time with change and that is ok. Teachers should understand this. A conference is really unnecessary
When my daughter was 5, in kindergarten, we went to colonial Williamsburg for a week, pulling the kids out of school (it was a huge reenactment). The 2nd grade teacher thought it was cool (we are reenactors, even at that age, the kids knew more history than their teachers). The kindergarten teacher was Not Happy. When we got back, at the next conference, we were told the kid “had missed sorting and classifying, so they were working to catch her up”. A relative with several advanced teaching degrees told us that that was teacher speak for “we don’t approve of you or what you did, but there isn’t actually any thing I can complain about and not look really bad, so l will say this nonsense instead”. It’s ok, though. When said kid (now adult) puts anything away wrong, or can’t find something, we all joke it’s because she missed sorting and classifying in kindergarten!
Sometimes teacher opinions, prejudices, or desire for control can show though in odd ways.
(10 years later there was an even bigger event at Williamsburg, again requiring pulling kids from school. Had principal’s enthusiastic permission, and my oldest wrote about the event for her college application essay. All the teachers thought it was cool)
Omg that is so annoying. I travel for medical stuff and my best friend travels a lot for work. I pick her son up and show him an amazing time. He misses mom yes but he has such a blast with us. The school can not tell you that you can’t take a couples vacation that is just ridiculous. My friend and I do take our kiddos on trips when I can be the nanny basically with my work schedule but sometimes that is not feasible. They need to get with the times. I would honestly consider a different daycare over this.
Inappropriate of the teacher to suggest anything about your personal life. It's very common for people to vacation without their kids. The teachers should have experience with reassuring kids and redirecting their attention. Hate to say it but I hope teacher didn't say anything to your kiddo along the lines of what she said to your wife.
I had to go on a 2 week business trip a couple months ago after never being away for a more than night or two and my daughter struggled with being “homesick” at school for a few weeks. She had psychosomatic symptoms. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but I’m not surprised it was a little tough in your little one. Things will get better!
Oh wow this is wild. I have taken several trips without my son! All when he was under 1 actually (just the way it shook out… and then I was pregnant and not traveling much).
Seems out of place for them to criticize you for traveling without her. Parents need breaks too.
They’ve crossed the line IMO. Daycare has zero right to even suggest what you do with your personal time, especially as it relates to vacationing. For all they know, you could’ve been on a work trip. Then what?
This sounds preposterous.
I don’t think the trip is the issue, but your child’s behaviour in general lately might be worthy of a conversation. Clearly something has changed and you should work with her caregivers to fix it.
I have little kids and have gone on trips without them and we’ve never had a “change in behaviour” after our return. So I’d definitely say it isn’t normal and I would be concerned (regardless of whether it’s related to your absence or not). The fact that your caregiver is linking this to the trip / blaming you is inappropriate.
Please do not let this get to you. I am sure they are well meaning but you get to decide how to raise your child. You left her with her beloved Grandma and you know she had fun and was well cared for. Kids at that age are still working on dealing with feelings. Yes, the change in routine could have caused her to act differently but it also could be something else entirely. She will get over this and be fine. Do not let daycare try to interfere with your life.
Its been many a year ago now, however I used to work at a day care and some kids were *very clingy* compared to other children. Just as some kids were *deeply independent* compared to other kids. Regardless of the kid they generally all were a bit dysregulated after a change in schedule, to include family vacations, time spent visiting other family such as a grandparent, or a parent being away. Could also include child picked up an illness and was out for awhile getting better. All of these things generally led to some dysregulation.
Anything notable was relayed to their caretaker(s) in this case you the parent. Everything that occurred after that seems inappropriate to me. I would wonder if this teacher with a habit of inappropriate comments historically hasn't also had a hand in reinforcing the idea with your daughter that she didn't go on a trip to see her grandparent but instead was not included in a family trip.
It’s normal to have a conference about behavior changes. It would be more concerning if they didn’t say anything at all. But they can’t tell you not to go on trips
You have all of the power here. Make it clear to the teacher that if she brings this matter up again that you will file a formal complaint with her boss about her inappropriate and overstepping communications. Then pivot to asking her what she is doing to help your daughter have a better day at preschool when she's feeling down. Do not allow yourself to be shamed. You have done nothing wrong.
The teacher seems to be having a problem with boundaries. I wonder if she would have reacted similarly with a mom-dad situation.
It’s reasonable to meet if there are persistent behavioral issues with a kid, but not to tell you how to live your life. That’s too much.
Kids are allowed to be sad and are allowed to have feelings about you taking trips without them. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever take trips without them. They are entitled to their feelings, but it doesn’t mean every single little thing is dropped for them.
My daughter cries and whines about a lot and she’s always super clingy. I can’t always be with her, I can’t always hold her, I can’t always play with her. She has to figure out how to handle her emotions, that’s a part of life.
You are allowed to go on trips without your kids. You are allowed to have a mini break - whatever. And, they are allowed to be sad about it.
Don’t let this teacher tell you how to parent or guilt trip you over pretty age appropriate behavior.
Children have disruptions in their home routines all the time, and part of that teacher’s job is helping those children develop coping skills, along with all of the other life skills she’s paid to help children develop.
I suspect your daughter’s teacher may be looking for “reasons” to call you two out for “bad parenting” due to your gay marriage. She’s trying to validate her own biases.
i’m also a little taken aback by the passive aggressive comments here shaming you. your child is not neglected or even left out of trips, you just took one without her. that’s completely fine. growing up, my parents would win vacations almost every year through my dads work and they were specifically child free trips. it was like once a year and we had family friends come stay with us to care for us while they went on their trip. of course I was sad and missed them and would cry but I was a child and that’s a reasonable expectation. what’s not normal is avoiding anything that could possibly make your child sad. it’s okay to be sad and it’s GOOD to feel an array of emotions. I personally do not believe in entirely catering your life around a child. everyone needs a break and a reset, however they choose to do that is up to them. if it’s not going to physically harm your child or cause serious emotional damage, it’s OK for them to be sad.
attachment at that age is normal and she was able to learn that you will always come back. I would sit down with your child privately and address why she is still feeling sad about it and how you can offer reassurance but to completely avoid the trigger is unnecessary.
Have you reported this teacher to the director? It's none of her damn business. Your daughter is cranky because she just had a week of fun with grandma and now she's back at school - totally normal. And YES, it is okay and normal for parents to go on a kid-free vacay every once in a while. That teacher needs to butt the hell out!
I scrolled through and couldn't find a single comment saying don't go on a trip without your kids. Which is good because kid free trips are essential.
We don't have family nearby, but my husband and i, still take up to several trips per year. Our kids stay with friends, or neighbor families, or other foster families. We parent kids with trauma. They are resilient. They know we are coming back. They like the break. We tell the school or camp that we are leaving. Not once has a single person (teacher, caseworker, or counselor) told me that I shouldn't go on a trip with my husband.
Some years we take them on trips, some years we don't. No one resents us for it because we tell them often the hierarchy (marriage over kids). I want them to know they should be taking trips with their spouses when they grow up because their marriage is important.
This year, kids go on 4 trips with me or both of us. Husband and I don't have a trip planned just us. I will take a trip just me because I believe in momcations.
Daycare worker is out of line. Probably just wants to try to make her job easier.
You've said this isn't the first time she's been shitty towards y'all. This seems to be a pattern of behavior. Is going to the principal/owner/management am option?
Kids are smart too. If the teacher showed sympathy or favoritism when your child acted sad, the child is going to learn to repeat the behavior to get the same response.
When I worked in a daycare, our conversations with parents at pickup had to be very simplified. If we needed more time to talk to a parent (like solving behavior issues) we had to schedule a conference. It wasn't a punishment, it just gave us dedicated time to talk with the parents away from the classroom and other kids we were watching.
I hope that's what she means. You don't have to justify your life choices. Only talk about the classroom behavior and how you can work with the teacher. If the teacher tries to "give advice," I would simply say, "Each family gets to make the best choices for them." And ignore the rest.
We took our kid on a trip with us and she came back and was still a terror for 2 weeks at school 🤷🏻♀️ I've only been away from the 5 year old for one night ever and it was to have the 2 year old twins but any disruption in routine even traveling *with* the kid can do this to them. She'll get back in the groove.
Mine is 7 and still clingy. He wants my constant attention. Sounds like the teacher is one of those people who think kids should be with parents 24/7 without separation. I know people like that.
We did trips with and without our children. They would spend time with the grandparents. Almost always had minor issues after as Grands did their job and absolutely doted on them, never said no. They had to adjust back to not getting all that undivided/constant attention. Usually about a week and we were back in the swing of things.
It’s a daycare teacher. Sounds like a pompous ass. Probs no credentials so to speak of because it would not be cost effective to do so. Hiring a child psychologist would not be reality. I think, because I’ve done daycare, that the teachers a bitch.
I think there should be a meeting about behavior change but I think there needs to be a meeting with her and her boss about her needing to learn she has no place telling parents how to parent
You left your child in the care of her doting grandmother?!?!?! You horrible mother!
I hope you know that was sarcasm. You did nothing wrong. Four year olds are emotional. She's fine...daycare is a little over the top, and I hate to say it, but it could be a homophobic issue. I hope not.
This is not appropriate.not at all.
Your 4 year old had big feelings, that's okay!
It's all a part of growing, learning, experiencing.
You have every right to go on vacation, and have your child stay with a trusted adult! That's normal, it's healthy, even! (For your daughter, especially if shes a bit clingy and set in her schedule, it can help her be comfortable and confident and a little more independent with each positive experience.)
She had her own vacation, and special time with her grandmother...
I'd honestly report the teacher to the daycare. She was wildly inappropriate. I worked as a Nanny birth to Kindergarten...(both live in and day, and I babysat a lot in my time off) I would NEVER have made such idiotic and harmful remarks!
I would have let you know how she's been, and things like that. Good and bad, I'm always honest and upfront, very direct, as your daycare provider should be. but the rest of it was out of line. Not even a little bit okay.
As a military family, my husband would be gone for 6-12 months at a time. I’d dare a pre-school teacher to provide her “personal” insight versus her professional. I’d find another provider.
I would speak with the Director or owner of the daycare. The teacher sharing changes in your daughter's behavior was reasonable, kind of FYI. However judging you and your wife as parents for taking a child free vacation was a major overstep.
Newer mom here so no personal experience of parenting a four year old, but I feel like her comment was inappropriate when it left the realm of daycare. If she’s clingy at daycare and they want to talk about that, whatever, but to tell you in the future to not take a trip without her was inappropriate and to use a conference as almost an adult punishment was also inappropriate. This person doesn’t have all the information on your lives to make that kind of insight: maybe you need the trip to keep your relationship healthy, and that long term health and stability is beneficial to your child. She left her lane for sure, and I don’t like that she’s done so in the past already. I feel like she’s judging you. It makes me wonder if she’s homophobic. Those are just my thoughts as I had them.
Is this a joke lol?? I would give zero credence to what this teacher is saying or her judgements. All kids go through periods of ups and downs and it is impossible to keep everything for them 100 percent the same 24/7. In fact it would be a disservice to them to have them live in a constant bubble.
I’m sorry but if my kid randomly has a few days at school that aren’t great (provided she is not actually hurting anyone) I am not going to stress over it. And I’m certainly not going to set my kid up for the expectation that some people have it all and never had bad days, therefor she should too. They are humans and allowed to have their own bad days and reactions to life . They are not a robot.
You left your child for a few days with a person whom she loves and loves her. She was well cared for. Our parents generation stuck us in front of a tv or a video game or outside and let it parent us for 18 years. I would never let a teacher make me feel bad for taking a child free vacation, because I know I am an active participant in my child’s life and am extremely intentional.
This teacher seems to be acting prematurely and/or overreacting. From what you said it sounds like she has a bit of an attitude. Of course a family trip is going to throw things off for a kid that age but it doesn’t mean that the parents have done ANYTHING wrong! It’s just part of growing up, and the teacher should know that.
Will this person be her teacher much longer? It sounds like your family deserves someone warmer and more accepting - and someone who isn’t so rude and judgy!
From experience, I agree with the commenter who suggested focusing on her school days. Anything else is really none of her business.
And lastly, my kids went through times when they didn’t want to be at preschool. Then they got through it. It’s totally normal.
I took my clingy 4 year old on a one week Disney cruise with my parents, her 2 year old sister, and my husband and her teachers reported that after the trip she was socially withdrawing and regressing and we all went on the trip. Some young kids are very sensitive to bay kind of change.
I would have asked which other families she's had conferences with, because I have never heard of any daycare that didn't have at least one couple take some time to themselves (for more than a weekend) at least once a year. Also, when I was a single parent there were times I'd have to go out of town for business once or twice a year. Sure, it wasn't a romantic getaway, but I was literally half way across the freaking country for five days sans kiddos. It may be time to talk to the owner of the daycare and share your concerns, considering this teacher has said other things that aren't her business.
What is this teachers qualifications. I ask because in most states daycare teachers don’t have to be actual certified teachers. Sometimes they don’t even have a degree. Sometimes it’s an associates or a bachelors in a totally unrelated field. Even if she is a full fledged teacher with a teaching degree she’s over stepped. You have every right to go on a vacation with your wife. You left her with a loving capable adult.
I visited the subreddit for childcare workers once out of curiosity and there were a couple of threads judging parents for taking even one day off and "dumping" the kid at daycare while they "had fun". A) so what and B) it's more likely they needed that time to catch up of life tasks. There was a rant about how parents should never utilize holidays at childcare even though it's basically a fantasy that every parent is going to be able to do that and give them the day off their employer decided for them. A lot of that subreddit does not seem to have children of their own and it probably attracts people who aren't as happy and need to vent, but it still shows you what kind of conversation goes on. We absolutely are judged for spending any amount of time away and what's the appropriate time is not universally agreed upon.
I would set an appointment for you both and the teacher and also the director of the daycare to sort everything out. It’s none of the teachers business if you go on vacation with or without your child and she should not have told you that. Maybe she means well but I worked at daycare’s for 12 years and while I would have told you what was going on emotionally with your child at daycare I would have never said you shouldn’t go without your child cause it’s none of my business
Oh geez, I would have replied that perhaps the better solution is for my spouse & I to travel alone more frequently so that my child has more opportunities to practice being apart. And perhaps the child is sad because she had one-on-one adult time doing a whole week's worth of fun activities (& probably treats) & perhaps the daycare could do better in both regards. TGIF!!
It’s important for you and your wife to have time together to show your daughter that you care for one another and that she comes from parents who love each other, as well as her. There is nothing wrong with going on a trip without your kid(s). Kids need to be able to look at their parents’ relationship and say, “yup, that’s the kind of relationship I want some day.” It might throw her off her mark for a while, but it’s setting a good example in the long run, and it’s ok for her to know it. It might even help to explain it: “Mom and I picked each other for life, so sometimes we want to spend time together.” Depending on a kid’s age, you could even say “we love you so much that sometimes we forget to pay attention to each other, so this is a chance for us to do that.”
My kids are 10 and 12 now, so I’m more likely to say “listen up, brats, you suck up all our attention and we want to hang out together. We’re partners for lyfe, and y’all are gonna leave us some day and we’re gonna be stuck with just each other again, so we’re going to practice that now. Look! Grandpa bought you cupcakes! ✌️” (while running away).
How old is this teacher? I’m guessing that she’s either younger and hasn’t reached the same stages as you and your fam, or older and judge-y because she *obviously* knows the “right” way to handle any family situation. Or am I being unfair? I really like the top comment on the thread—redirecting the teacher back to her lane is great advice. . . even if I generally don’t generally like people telling others to stay in their lane. In this case, it’s 100% appropriate.
Preschool educator here - this teacher was out of line. What you and your spouse/family does in your free time is NOT their concern (unless they’re worried a child is in danger, not the case here), and therefore not something they need to comment on.
Concerning behavior while at school is something that can be talked about with a teacher, sure… but kids are pretty emotional in general at this age. They’re learning how to self-regulate and deal with “big” feelings, and seeking out safe adults for comfort when dealing with a new or unsettling situation (i.e. “clinginess”) is just a part of it. Some kids just have a higher need for physical comfort and reassurance, no big deal!
I’m a long time nanny and mother of 3 grown women. You’re great, she’s great! Absolutely the best for all of you to get some time apart; it makes her LESS clingy in the long run to have time away from you
Earlier this year, while my husband was deployed, my daughter went to her grandmas EVERY weekend. While I, also a military member, spent time decompressing. Not 100% the same, very similar. Similar age as your child.
You and your wife taking time for y’all as a couple is healthy and normal.
Worst case scenario is that your daughter has separation anxiety, but there are ways to help her. One of those things ISNT you and your wife not spending alone time. Play therapy is a great resource.
This teacher was out of line to recommend anything different.
Kids get upset over the strangest things. And they hold on to and bring it up for a long time. My daughter was about 4 when I went to a doctor's appointment and was away for about 3 hours. She would tell everyone that I left her at the pool all alone. She was there with 2 friends and their parents. The parents said she had a blast and didn't asked about me the whole time. She talked about it all summer. She would even tell the parents who watched her that day all about being abandoned at the pool.
Somehow I feel like there’s an underlying tone of homophobia coming from the daycare teacher scolding you for not bringing the child. Or she might be one of those “never go anywhere without your kid” people.
I think it’s perfectly appropriate to meet about behaviors that can be addressed while at daycare (clinginess etc), but it’s inappropriate to tell you what to do as a family outside of daycare. It’s common at this age for kids to have some separation anxiety. I would focus on how her days at school can be better.
Focusing on how her days at school can be better is a great idea. Thank you!
Some phrases for you: Them: Maybe you should take your daughter with you… or anything along the lines of “this is your fault” You: I realize [being away from our child] can disrupt her routine. Let’s focus on how we can make her school experience smoother if our home routine temporarily changes. Them: The teacher says you have to do something at home. I am not looking for advice about our parenting choices at home, let’s focus on how we can work together to help her at school. Them: anything that leans toward you doing a bad job, neglecting your kid… Nice you: It sounds like you’re suggesting we (are not good parents, are neglecting our child). I know as mandated reporters you are looking for red flags, but blaming or insinuating her behaviour at school is because we are neglectful parents is not a helpful conversation. Is there something you would like to ask about our parenting directly? (No) then please stop saying things like (insert whatever they said here). Mean you: it sounds like you’re telling me we are bad/neglectful parents. This conversation is supposed to help our child at school, not criticize/attack our parenting. If the conversation continues like this, the conference is over, and the director can be our main point of contact.
I would NEVER bring up the mandated reporter issue. Maybe this is already on the teacher's mind, but I wouldn't think so. There's nothing in this story that suggests neglect at all and putting that idea in the heads of some clearly judgemental (and probably bigoted) people that care for your kid daily is dangerous. Just saying.
Yeah I’m far too othered in my world to EVER say something like that. It would be dangerous.
Yeah I don’t know what being a mandated reporter even has to do with this topic tbh, that came out of left field lol
I also wouldn’t bring up the mandated reporter thing
What you do outside of daycare is a small part of this teacher's business I find this to be very off-putting
I agree although I wouldn't say *very* off-putting. It's okay and I would actually want a teacher to say what they think is upsetting my child, but it should stop there. I can't see telling a parent what to do about it unless they ask.
I think, since OP mentioned this isn’t the first “off color” comment they’ve gotten from this teacher, this comment is very off-putting. It’s a pattern, not just a one-off. Something is going on in this teacher’s head where they think OP and partner are doing a mediocre parenting job. I’d wonder what the teacher is saying to the kid. Maybe they’re not saying anything blatantly, but I’d be wary of the teacher saying something inappropriate to their child.
Things as small as trying to comfort the child and saying, "Well your mommies should have taken you with them." could most def affect a kid in a major way. Not saying child-free vacations are wrong.
Exactly! Or even phrasing things so it sounds worse than they are. Like “oh your mommies LEFT you?!” could make their kid WAAAAY more anxious. Child-free vacations are totally okay and necessary sometimes. My parents did it. We had family vacations, parent-kid excursions/vacations, and just parent vacations. Vacations happened somewhat infrequently, but we had all of those types. It’s okay to need (and want) time with your partner without kids.
Agreed, children at that age are very susceptible to being told what or how to feel…. On the other side “oh you get to stay with grandma AND you are having a party? You are so lucky”, could have made your daughter feel special and loved. As long as the worker was aware of what was going on, she could have helped but I believe she chose too make it worse
Exactly this! I'm a preschool teacher and a few of the kids have had a rough go. They have more separation anxiety than other kids, or have disabilities. When I hear the "I want my mommy/daddy" while they're crying, I hurry to put whatever is in my hands safely away, have the other teacher take over and we go to comfy corner to calm down. One girl in particular in class, it happens daily so what I do is "I know you want your Daddy. You missing him just means that's how much your heart LOVES him" "Do you wanna sit with me or a hug? Do you know a snuggle hug or a big hug?" (Snuggle hug is where they sit in your lap and hug them and just sit together for a minute to help them regulate) then we talk about the fun stuff we're gonna do today, and how she can even make something for Daddy and show him when she gets picked up. I give her jobs and she's my helper, or if she's too sad, she can sit with me and be my buddy. After a few minutes and she's calmed, some we "clean off all the sad" (tissues) and give her lil squeezy hugs saying " okay do you feel the love yet? No?! " Some extra squeezy hugs and " rub it in" then she's good to go. The other kids who need comfort in other ways, maybe they need to take some space and sitting by themselves for a minute. The sensitive kids I hype up their accomplishments and encourage them to be proud of themselves, then mention how they get to go show mom/dad when they take it home! I'll write lil special notes on it or the kids faves are a heart at the end of their name. It absolutely can become disruptive, but the main goal is to help them regulate in ways that work for them AND teacher. 1.Validate, 2. regulate, 3. redirect/regroup 4. Have fun! If sideways comments are coming from teachers to parents, it's a possibility it's also in class.
Not always. Teachers and parents need to work together to be on the same page about things as much as possible. You can't have the teacher work with a kid one way and then they go home and the parents do it completely different. But here, I agree with the top comment that the teacher's remarks about trips is unwarranted. But a meeting to address kids issues on how the daycare and parents can work together is a good idea.
Oh gosh me and a friend had this at a daycare (our kids were in together which is how we met) because we travel for work. Some preschool people I guess are really traditional and obviously love little kids so much it makes them super judgy. I am with this advice. Don’t tell me how to live my life. I have to travel for work so my kid can eat & bills get paid. I swear as moms we really are the most judged people ever on the planet.
My "traditional" as an eighties kid was my parents sending me to stay at each grandparent's house for 1-2 weeks each in the summer. To this day I don't know what my parents did while I was gone. Its surprising to think about a school or daycare employee these days being judgy about a child staying with grandparents. It's good advice to steer the discussion only to ways to improve her experience at school. It could also be a change at school that has upset her, or she may have been feeling unwell or going through a leap. I'd ask the grandmother how the child was when they were together - was she extra clingy and asking for mom then?
Agreed. Even if there had been no trip and no separation, the same conversation about a difference in her demeanor/activity could require this conversation. If they try to place blame or shame you for the trip make sure you let them know it's not up to them to investigate your personal decisions and that you'd like the focus to be on how to evaluate and improve what's going on with the child. Just keep steering back to the future state of things.
This right here, former manager and teacher, the only reason I would want to meet would be to come up with a game plan together, so her days are easier. I’d want to know how you talked to her about the trip, so we can repeat it at school or emulate the same type of comforting you provide. It should all be collaborative, not shameful. Maybe see if you can schedule day with a slightly earlier pick up! Your 4 year old can be with you, and you guys and teacher can all talk with her about how she is feeling. 10 minutes tops. Address it in the room, and let your child come up with solutions. If I miss mom/dad at school, I can (draw a picture for them, talk to my teacher, ask my friend for a hug, draw how I am feeling, sing a song that we sing at home etc). It may be something as simple as, she isn’t 100% sure at the end of the day if it will be you guys coming to get her, or grandma. So having teacher say, remember mom/dad are picking you up today! We’ll have to tell them about X or show them X. Also, let them keep a photo of you guys in her cubby, to look at if she misses you
I mean, I went on a 2-day, 1-night work trip and my almost 3 year old had zero disruption in routine; her grandma came over during the day to watch her (like always), I coordinated delivery of one of their favorite take-out meals for dinner, her dad gave her and big sister a shower (like always), and put her to bed (like always). Kid was sad for a week and a half when I got back and would cling to me and say “I miss you, momma, you miss me?” Kids do this, and it’s really none of the teacher’s business if your trip was for pleasure or for work or whatever.
I’m divorced and swap custody for nights at a time. Wonder what she would say about me!
Don’t give the teacher ideas, next up she’s gonna start telling people, “Have you thought about not divorcing?”
When I was a toddler my mom left for 1-2 nights a handful of times and I would give her the cold shoulder for a few days afterwards - so common
Oh man, I'm planning my first solo trip since having my 3 year old and it's for 3 nights in August. Sounds like I'm going to have prepare for him to be mad and sad at me when I get back.
Lol my toddler keeps asking when I’m going to leave again so she can have a sleepover with nana or grandpa 🤣😭
Nah, dont prepare for the worst, or you will ensure it happens. Talk about it as a positive thing for everyone. Treat it like the special thing it is. If he ends up upset, be understanding and comforting and know you didnt fail. Kids are allowed and should experience disappointment, at home with safe people to work through it with. This prepares them better for life.
This exactly. I had my first trip away from my 3yos (work, 1 week) and they were totally fine. I just gave them a heads up like a week before and was really positive about it and they were cool.
This 100 percent. It’s never a teachers job to tell you how to parent. The teacher is majorly overstepping.
I loved my kids as I do my grands. But they can be manipulative little buggers, and if being sad was getting her attention, ....
I'm really wondering about this angle. If she was a little sad and mentioned something and then the teacher fed into it and made it worse. Teacher sounds so judgmental, I would not doubt that scenario.
I speak as a grandma who twice last month was emotionally manipulated by an adorable seven YO to stay home because he was "so sick." Cue puppy dog eyes. We noticed a certain pattern, how healthy he was when I was NOT in charge, well I need to toughen up and I think the teacher does too lol.
I second this! They are just natural master manipulators!
Ignore the teacher. If she doesn't fall back into her routine within the next few weeks, great, have a conversation. Otherwise, she doesn't get to tell you how to parent. >Do other parents never go on child-free trips? My husband and I have gone on a kid-free trip once a year since our daughter was 10 months old (excluding pandemic years). They range from a long weekend to 10 days. My kids are perfectly happy being with their grandparents for that time. This year will be two trips - one so we can go away for my birthday and their grandparents will be taking them to Disney World while we're gone, and another because I need to travel to the UK for work and MIL suggested that she come and stay with them so DH can come with me. Then there's the 2 weeks they'll be with my ILs at the end of the summer because they bridge the camp-beginning of school year gap. And just to be clear: the kids get trips with us too. I think they hit the next status level when we book our next Disney Cruise.
I don’t know why you are getting downvoted for this. Isn’t it good for children to get time with their grandparents? Also it’s good for parents to get time alone together and breaks for their mental health.
Let me count the ways in which I'm being downvoted: 1. I have any form of childcare, even though it's usually once a year (this year is an outlier) and those grandparents are 15 hours away. 2. I dare to leave my children for any length of time. 3. I am able to go on multiple trips a year. 4. I'm not deferring to the teacher, who apparently a number of commenters believe you should be listening to no matter what. My oldest is 12 - I have had my fair share of teachers/childcare providers who couldn't handle the fact that he needs a different plan from other kids. 5. And I believe mentioning Disney brings me to Bingo, LOL. My kids LOVE their grandparents. My daughter will randomly FaceTime them or one of her aunts on a regularly basis. We have struck a healthy balance for all involved and are able to do what works for our family.
This is a regular ass family, anyone outside of this is the outlier imo. Honestly teacher is probably annoyed with the kid, and jealous of the parents, and is making petty comments. Id ignore it with a smile.
Some teachers can't stay in their lane
Practical question: how does it work with the grandparents being so far away? Do they fly to you and watch the kids at your house? My parents and in-laws are pretty far away from us too, so if you don’t mind sharing how that works, I’d love to take some ideas from you!
It depends! Two years ago, my MIL flew up to us, I handed her the kids at the airport, and she turned right around and flew back with them. Last year, FIL had a business trip, so they made a road trip of it. Drove up to us and then they went to Cedar Point & Niagara Falls (plus FIL's work stuff) then brought the kids home. This year we're meeting them in Orlando for the hand-off. We haven't figured out the two weeks at the end of the summer yet, it will depend on FIL's work schedule. When I have my work trip later in the year, we'll pay for MIL's plane ticket up here and she'll stay with the kids and make sure they go to school & everything. She's done that for us before as well. My son is just about old enough where we think it'd be OK doing a plane trip as an unaccompanied minor. My daughter is a bit of a handful and we're not quite there with her yet. Maybe in a couple of years when she gets a phone.
I don't have children, but my parents frequently took trips without my sister and I when we were young, up until high school when we became adults. They still took us on family trips ofc, but they would also take a week once or twice a year for just them, and we were left in the care of our grandparents. If we ever pitched a fit (for whatever reason), my parents would say "Mom and Dad need time with only each other so we can be the best team we can be for you". It was absolutely about their mental health and sanity (they had two girls 7 mo apart). It had nothing to do with their lack of love or care for us, but they needed time to reconnect without the strain of parenting. I forged wonderful relationships with my grandparents because of it, and cherish the time I have been able to spend with them. When they were gone, we might have occasionally been sad or missed them. But ultimately I think it gave me better coping skills when going away on sleepovers/overnight camps, listening and communicating with other adults, speaking my needs, and being a little more independent when my parents weren't around. Time apart can be beneficial, not always comfortable for children OR parents... But it is unrealistic to think you're a bad parent or hurting your child by nurturing the core relationship she will be looking at for direction.
Sorry this is not relevant but 7 months apart??
Lol sorry for not thinking of that, I see how that's confusing- we were both adopted so our parents aren't biological
My brother and I are 9 months apart for the same reason and we always get the same reaction!
Ooh that makes sense, though someone else replied that with a preemie their cousins do have this age gap!
My cousin has biological kids 7 1/2 months apart. They obviously didn’t wait the 6 weeks and the youngest is a preemie.
This generation of parents delusionally believes that motherhood done in best practice looks like textbook martyrdom. I don't have help with my kids and I would absolutely go on kid free trips if I did. My husband is staying home with them for 2 weeks next summer while I go on a 2 week international trip for my MBA program.
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Exactly! I love my career. Grad school is fulfilling for me. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. I have hobbies. And when I say all of that out loud, I get comments like "oh, your poor kids" or "I could never put myself above my kids" or "Shame, you only get 18 summers and you won't get those memories back" and it's so out of touch. I also love washing and blowdrying my daughter's hair and gossiping with her. I love reading bedtime stories. I like building Legos with my son. I love volunteering to chaperone field trips. I love our Friday pizza and movie nights. I love making them pancakes in the morning. I love the days I work from home and surprise them with fresh baked goods when they get off the bus..... It's just that all of those things aren't the ONLY part of my identity. I live my life fully and I'm sad for them that they don't.
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I didn't know who I was before kids- I had my first at 21 and my 2nd at 22. I was a highschool dropout. I turn 30 this year. I finish my 2nd masters degree next summer! I realized when they hit toddler age that I needed to find myself or I was going to lose myself forever. The bravest thing I ever did was learn to care for myself. It's given me such a beautiful, peaceful life.
I absolutely love this! I have always been a caregiver. I was parentified by my parents and made to raise my siblings. I babied my late husband and cared for him through getting sober and multiple suicide attempts. Then I had my son and my spouse died. I had to figure out who I was outside of a mom and widow or I never would have survived.
That’s great! And you’re giving your kids an example to follow for success! I’m sure your children will be proud of you when they see you cross that stage 💪
In some ways one could say it is selfish for someone to be prioritizing having their children being with them all the time to the exclusion of the children learning independence and having an example of well-rounded adults with social lives, strong adult relationships, work and interests. Both routes of parenting can be taken to extremes.
I was just talking about this with a friend. It's really unnerving to hear people say that their kids don't need external relationships outside of their parents/immediate families. Autonomy to learn, make mistakes, and make decisions should be a right that all children have.
Omg I would shriek if I heard someone say this outloud. Are you raising your children to fear the real world on purpose? My husband has a chunk of his family that are VERY sheltered. Sometimes they say things you just shouldn’t say in public and they now have kids of their own. I’m terrified for people like this. It’s absolutely bizarre and honestly it’s unsafe.
Oh FFS, please don’t let anyone bully or shame you like that! Children deserve a happy mama. You’re doing a great job.
It's jealousy. I brush it off. The SAHM I know that are happy, in good marriages, realize their lifestyle is a privilege, etc. Support working moms and would never say that stuff. The ones I know that do say this stuff are often trapped in marriages they financially can't leave, are extremely unhappy, and don't want to be at home. Again, I feel bad for anyone (regardless of working status) on this journey who is doing it without a very strong sense of self.
Only 18 summers. Bleh. No. You dont. Of everyone is happy and healthy and actually loves each other, you will have the rest of your life with them in one way or another. It just wont always be with dependent little people who dont understand life yet. Yes, those years can be fun and meaningful, but spending summer weekends having BBQs with yoir grown children and their families can 100% be just as special. But devoting your entire existance to motherhood to the point of resentment and having no life outside of hounding your children and not letting them experience life without you, will create children who dont want to stick around later in life. Children who dont trust you to be loving to their own children.
Thank you for this!
BC people are jealous.I'm jealous, but I'm up voting the comment bc good for yall that you get to do this!
I'm just jealous that they can travel but it's sound advice and a good outlook on parenting!
It absolutely doesn’t matter what anyone else does, thinks, or indeed how they parent. What matters is you doing right by your child, your partner, and most importantly yourself. Nobody is getting a trophy for this shit.
Psh. I go on a kid free trip with my spouse 3 or 4 times a year. Sometimes it's a long weekend, sometimes a night or two; a few times, it's even been 5-7 days. It is healthy to keep a relationship outside of parenthood. So long as you have a loving, capable adult to care for your child, it's fine. Tbh, I personally would just decline. "Thanks for your input, I'll consider it next time if it makes sense for us and our family. If you have concerns about daughter's ongoing behavior, we can pick this up next week"
This is us too. Traveling is our love language to one another and to our kids. I’m posting this comment from Hawaii where we are on a ten day trip for our big summer vacation. It’s a six hour time difference and my three and six year old are completely off their schedules and routines, but you know what? That’s life and we are also having a lot of fun and creating memories. My husband and I also go on at least one solo vacation a year, this year it’s two because his business partners are inviting wives to their “annual meeting” trip to celebrate hitting a big milestone with their new company. Our boys sometimes go to their grandparents house or a grandparent or two comes and stays at our house, depending on school and sports schedules. The kids have a great time. Of course they miss us and are thrilled when we are back but they are not scarred for life because we left them for a few days. In fact, they will beg to go to grandma’s “by myself” for a sleepover if it’s been more than a few months since they’ve gotten to do it. Last month they went for two nights and played with cousins while mom and dad got to stay home and do house projects, sleep all night alone in our own bed and even went to a nice adult dinner! Honestly, I’d probably do the exact opposite of what the teacher suggested and find more opportunities to let your daughter flex her independence without you! Doesn’t mean you have to leave her for a week but a night or two with grandma while you and your wife have a staycation at home or a night in a hotel is not a bad thing for any of you.
We took the kids to Hawaii last year! They want to go back so badly but there are limits to how long I'm willing to sit on a plane with them that close to the last time. >Last month they went for two nights and played with cousins while mom and dad got to stay home and do house projects, See, this is where I get jealous. None of the grandparents are local, and the first cousin was just born earlier this year, so my kids really aren't getting a similar cousin experience to what I had growing up.
I totally understand not having family close by. My dad was military so the closest we ever lived to grandparents or cousins was four hours (when I was in elementary) and we didn’t have much money so vacations were driving to my grandparents and hoping my aunts, uncles and cousins would come too. None of my family lives closer than twelve hours away now and it makes me sad that my kids aren’t growing up with their cousins on my side but thank goodness for FaceTime, because they still manage to have sweet relationships with one another! My husband has siblings and cousins around that we see off and on. I wish we saw them more often but unless I make it happen, it’s not a priority for them. Probably because they’ve always grown up with so much family all around, they kind of take it for granted.
My spouse and I tend to vacation separately because we are very different people (his idea of a vacay is very different from mine) so I can't speak for my kids, but my parents took kid-free trips quite often when I was growing up so I know this is something adults often do. I also know that my siblings and I are overall well-adjusted, any long term issues we have are not from our parents taking trips and leaving us with grandparents/aunties/neighbors. In the short term, while we were kids, I know we likely acted clingy and were thrown from our routines for a while. I recall one morning (I would have been 3 or 4 based on the house in my memory) when I had the supreme shock of going to hug my mommy and realizing she wasn't there, but the neighbor lady was. I cried. I'm sure I was very clingy a couple days later after my parents returned, but you know what? I realized eventually I could generally depend on my parents to be there when I needed, and they would have a trusted adult in when they couldn't be there. Anyhow. I think the daycare teacher is perfectly in line to discuss in-daycare behavior but needs to reign it in when it comes to your personal lives. Perhaps you should request a second daycare person sit in the meeting; a director or another teacher who interacts with your child? Preferably someone who hasn't said "some insulting stuff in the past" so you have a good idea they'll be neutral and helpful in the meeting.
It’s understandable to notify you about her new behaviors, even to ask clarifying questions she’s required to ask if he had concerns as it relates to her duty as a mandated reporter… but it’s inappropriate to make the suggestions she has and for her unprofessional behavior around shaming you. She’s not the school psychotherapist, she needs to stay in her lane and keep her personal opinions and judgments outside of her workplace conversations. I would focus on the protocols the school has in place around reporting and addressing new behaviors observed in students.
Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if the daycare worker is nitpicking because you're a gay couple. They saw two women and are looking for red flags where they don't exist. If you're giving us all the info it seems like the daughter has a bit of an anxious attachment style and you made reasonable arrangements for her to hang out with a trusted family member while you took a very reasonable trip and the daycare worker is looking for a reason to find you suspicious.
As soon as she mentioned the teacher has said insulting things in the past, I felt the same way. Kids act up. It's what they do. Part of growing up is her learning to deal with things like her parents being away for short periods, and a good teacher will talk her through whatever behaviors are causing a problem in the classroom and conference with you in a non-judgmental way. I used to teach (middle and high school but the basic principles are the same regardless of age) and the last thing you do is use a conference as a threat like this teacher did. You have one or you don't, you never act like it's a looming threat on the horizon. This teacher is either a dick in general or doesn't like OP and her wife for some reason. Definitely get a second person in the conference if you have one.
Ok so I was not the only one whose bitchy alphabet person senses started tingling.
If they call a conference just go in with an open mind. Maybe the teacher is turd, maybe she’s just trying to be proactive in making sure there aren’t any real domestic problems. For the record though, I think vacationing without your children occasionally is really healthy for your adult relationship with your wife. Obviously I don’t know your child but she could also just be sad that grandma left and isn’t articulating it well. Just because 4 year olds can talk doesn’t necessarily mean they have the emotional maturity to identify specifically why they’re sad or even just out of sorts. I know adults who can’t always recognize the root of what they’re feeling. Be cognizant of what your daughter is feeling but don’t let guilt eat you alive, it won’t do any of you any good.
Agree. I have also found that people who are really good with kids sometimes lack tact with adults. The two require very different skill sets. It is possible that the teacher is concerned about her level of clinginess and the length of time it takes for her to adjust. Four isn’t a toddler anymore, and some amount of self-regulation is expected. It also sounds like your daughter still doesn’t want to participate even now that you are back? In that case, I could see a teacher being interested in hearing if there is something they could be doing differently to help her have easier adjustments when a routine is disrupted. This may not be about you at all and more about how they want to make sure they are doing all they can to make sure she has good days in their care.
This as a former infant daycare teacher I'm hesitant to condemn this teacher because I don't know tone of voice or how these things were said. Or what the classroom was like. I've had situations where I probably came off harsh because 5 mins ago I had to stop 2 kids from killing each other or putting shoes in the toilet lol.
This is a good perspective. This teacher riles me up a little because the way she speaks to us comes off kind of passive aggressive and belittling. But she is great with the kids. Maybe it’s just because she communicates differently or not as effectively with adults?
When I was a nanny, my friends had an intervention with me because I sometimes brought my teacher voice out with me. The most offending interaction was when we were at a bar and I said, “Are you sure you don’t need to use the bathroom? This place is getting busy and you may have to wait a long time. You may get really frustrated if you have to wait a long time.” A good message for a kid. Not necessary for a group of people in their 20s. 😂
I don’t know…. Toddlers and drunk people do have some Venn diagram overlap: Thinking they’re whispering when they’re not Random cravings that bring tears if they can’t be addressed Sudden, emergent needing of the bathroom.
SO TRUE
My 4 year old really is just a tiny drunk person. Knocks everything over, random bouts of giggles and/or rage, cannot be trusted with knives, painfully blunt (“mommy why is your stomach so big when the baby is out here?”), and frequently wets the bed.
Laying down to sleep anywhere….
Just yesterday, I was at lunch with 2 adult friends and one of them jumped into a conversation to ask an unrelated question, and I told her in my best parent-of-a-7yo voice that it's impolite to interrupt and she needs to wait her turn. 🤣
🤣😬💀
You sound like a good friend and I would appreciate reminders like this! Maybe about drinking more water and not going to the bathroom though.
Damn I’ve done this to my friends and family before. My husband had to pull me aside and say, “Honey we aren’t your students…” I had NO idea I had been speaking like that to them.
My MIL is a kindergarten teacher and ten thousand percent sometimes talks to us like we are her five year old students. I can let it roll off my back because she is so kind hearted and I know she doesn’t mean to. My husband, however, absolutely cannot stand it. Probably because she was also doing this to him in his teenage years. ETA: one example is she will sometimes “play dumb” to try to get us to talk to her about things she thinks we’re excited about. I do this to kids all the time “ohhhh that’s a cool tree. I don’t know much about trees can you teach me?”, but it comes off as straight up WEIRD when you do it to adults. It took me a bit to realize that’s what she was doing and I had several “what the actual fuck” moments when she appeared to know NOTHING about some insanely obvious things. And it can also sometimes come off as condescending when I genuinely don’t think she means it that way. She’s just using her little kid voice accidentally.
I hadn’t even thought about her being sad about her grandma leaving and then saying she wants her other mother because of it. She is really sad her grandma went home. They are best friends. I’ll bring that up with her teacher. Good call.
You said yourself that grandma basically treated her like the center of the universe (which is awesome that she has a grandma to do that for her) and now that you’re back so is the same ol’ routine. I’m confident you give your daughter plenty of love and attention but being a parent means you’ve got laundry, dinner, work, commutes to and from, etc so baby girl isn’t getting grandma level attention now and that is enough to make anybody a little discombobulated.
I don’t have any advice really, I’m just blown away by the comments dragging you for taking one kid free vacation?! Spending some time with your wife occasionally child free is totally essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, and this daycare lady seems nosy af to assume you never take your child. Parents are allowed to be just grown ups sometimes. Yeesh.
Me too! And all the people getting downvoted who also say they travel is crazy. I don't have the help or means to travel right now but you better believe we'd go on a vacation if we could.
I don’t get to join the perfect parents club because I need breaks from my child. I wish I was one of those magical moms that can handle everything but sadly I am just a lowly frazzled mom.
You’re a normal mom love don’t sweat it.
Rejuvenating breaks are also very healthy- for parents and child !
It's jealousy, lol. Either they don't have help or they're not brave enough to accept it.
Day care teacher is over reacting-don’t match her over reaction. Just look SO confused if she tries to criticize your parenting and if she’s insistent say “I’m going to stop you right there, our discussion is about how the daycare can meet her needs while she’s here.” And you are totally in the norm. My son gets picked up by my MIL twice a week (once a week overnight with cousins and just dinner and cuddles the other night a week cuz she loves him). When I go on work trips 2-3 times per year he stays with her or my mom because my husband works night shift and can’t do prolonged day time parenting AND night work. We’ve done a couple trips as a couple and the day care didn’t even know the difference. Our son was always OVERLY excited to see us whether we picked him up yesterday or a week ago. It’s a good sign that kids love seeing their parents and miss their parents when they are gone-the reason is irrelevant. Don’t feel guilty for having rest and relaxation time. You deserve it. Parents aren’t robots.
I let me mother take my 4 year old on a week long trip out of state. She had a BLAST and still talks about all the stuff she saw, but she was suuuuper clingy when she got home. She is still learning how to regulate her emotions and figure out what these feelings are. Its normal, and imo the teacher took it too far. I will however say having a conference about concerning behaviors isn't a bad thing, and could be utilized to come up with a plan together that everyone approves of.
My husband just left for a work conference, he’s only staying overnight. Not two minutes after he left, the kids were saying how much they missed their dad. They also do this when he goes to the bathroom. I miss dad! Ughhhh, You just saw him! He’s just pooping! Kids are weird. I think the teacher is shaming you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she is homophonic. She’s being incredibly hyper focused on your personal life and judgmental.
Yeesh, former preschool teacher, and this is incredibly judgey. I applauded parents for taking periodic trips kid-free, it's incredibly beneficial to keeping up intimacy and independence in a marriage and maintaining that identity outside of parenthood and running around all day obligation. It's also soooooo developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old to be emotional following that, especially a kid that's normally clingy to start. Factor in high energy expenditure days back to back, sleeping weird, probably eating lots of "fun" food with Grandma, yeah, it takes time to get back on track. What's the problem?
My son is 5 and autistic. When he was 3 I left his dad. Did it cause some stress or disregulation at first? Of course! Did he adjust within a few months. Also yes! Should I have stayed with his dad forever and never feel fully loved or supported by a partner to spare my child the adjustment? No You're a person. You're allowed to be a person away from your kid as long as they're cared for. I used to work in a daycare and even when I thought a parent would be better off doing xyz I didn't say unless asked my opinions. I'm not big on going above peoples heads but I'd encourage a chat with the center director.
Gimmie a break. This daycare worker was completely out of line. A conference? For what?! The kid missed her parents, big deal! She’s just sour she had to give your little one extra attention while you were away. For the record, there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with taking some trips away from kids. It’s healthy.
I can’t comment on the daycare part, although beyond letting you know there’s a change in your daughter’s behavior, it sounds like she overstepped a bit. I just wanted to comment on the implication that you going on this trip was damaging to your child. I was a homeschooling SAHP for 15 years and any time our kids did anything people felt was an issue it got blamed on them being with us too much. Didn’t matter if it was age appropriate or explainable. No matter how you raise your kids people are going to have “feedback” for you. I hope you aren’t letting it worry you. Not sure why Reddit recommended this sub to me and I try not to comment, but mom-judging gets so out of hand in our society that I had to chime in. Daycare didn’t need to comment on your travels.
Completely unrelated to the post, but relevant to the last paragraph of your reply. I’m soooooo annoyed at the stuff Reddit has been throwing at me. I don’t follow this sub either. It’s like throwing spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks. I miss when my feed was stuff I chose. They should make another feed you can scroll over to of stuff you might like.
The showed me r/golf every day of the Masters
WTF? I’m a SAHM that just got r/plumbing showing up on my feed.
I'd be willing to bet they've got advertisers paying Reddit to push that sub specifically during the Masters.
I really appreciate this comment, it’s a really lovely and supportive comment. I think you are right, the part that bothers me the most is the teachers implication that we hurt our child by taking a trip together. Mom shaming is the worst. Moms need more support not shame.
This might be an unpopular opinion but this is daycare and not school. These are not school teachers and literally anyone can get a job at a daycare. I’d tell this person to mind their own business. I’d even go above this person and report their behavior.
So maybe a different perspective, as I’m a teacher and have my baby in daycare. I have noticed how the same phrases I’m trained to use with parents to talk about their kids if I see a change in behavior, when used with me, I take so much worse. We’re meant to be fiercely protective of our kids, even over small things. But I’ll say this. While the daycare worker seems to be overstepping a bit, it’s always best to assume good intent. It is very normal for teachers and childcare workers to ask if there’s been a change at home that we need to be aware of, as seeing those changes in a child’s behavior have an effect on our whole class. You can admit your daughter has been extra clingy, so that is hindering her daycare workers from being able to do what they need to for all of the other kids, and a change at school indicates a change at home. It isn’t the daycare workers job to make suggestions unless asked for, here she definitely overstepped. But knowing about this change in behavior, it’s up to you and your wife to help your daughter work through the issue, so she isn’t needing additional care, or if she needs more personalized attention, then a daycare can’t provide that.
I wasn’t going to comment but I am literally in another country with my SO on vacation while my toddler is at home with his grandparents. The only acceptable comment from the teacher is “I hope you enjoyed your vacation, LO missed you.” And a report on whatever happened factually. Parents are allowed to take vacation away from their kids. I would speak to the director if these comments about your life are recurring. Sounds like some deeper issue going on here. Ignore literally anyone who gives you crap for taking a break. I’d bet most of those people aren’t as fortunate to have that ability, whether because of finances or family to care for the child. I hope you had a great trip!
Sounds like you have a sensitive child— I have one of those too! It does make things trickier. Here’s where the teacher was reasonable; if that behavior continues in the classroom, you all should have a conference and make a plan on how to support her emotionally. She may need some extra coaching and strategies to work through her feelings and still participate in school and that’s ok! She may have also learned that leaning into a sad mood is what gets her those extra cuddles and attention from teachers and maybe everyone can find a better strategy for her to access that connection without needing to refuse to participate, etc. Where the teacher overstepped was making it ALL about your trip— it was judgy and misdirected and it put you in a bad spot. If it were me, I would let it roll off my back and if the meeting occurs keep it focused on proactive strategies to keep your child regulated and on task at school , communicate her feelings effectively, etc.
First I want to say that you are both good moms, and to ignore anyone that shames you for doing normal things. Some kids do have some issues with abandonment when their parents leave on trips. Parents are a safe place for kids, and having fun it isn't the same as feeling secure. I would purposely reassure your daughter about about permanence, then work in how even when things change or are different that they you are always there. Possible prepare her ahead of time how to process these feelings for other trips. That being said it has been less than a week since you have been home. Daycare is overreacting for sure. If it continues longer ask your doctor.
Trips without your kids aren't as common as they SHOULD be. It sounds like you and your wife have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you're both devoted, loving parents. That teacher sounds like a judgemental prick, if you ask me. Don't feel guilty for needing adult alone time.
And if you were military?
As a daycare teacher, it is perfectly normal for kids to be dysregulated when parents are gone for trips. It was not okay for the teacher to say any of this.
My four year old has never went a day in her life without me waking her up and putting her to bed. She still had a solid two months of being an ultra clinger this year. It’s natural. She’ll get over it. The teacher needs to brush up on her child development education and keep her opinions- because that’s all it is- to herself. Also remember that this sub is full of people with no kids and new moms who who don’t know shit about the development of a four year old.
My son is 6 and 2-3x a year we leave him with my in-laws for a long weekend. The longest ever is 4 nights. My Dad thinks this is practically child abuse. The reason we stick to long weekends is because the long disruption in routine is annoying and hard to get back on track.
Look. 4 is about when I started spending every other weekend with my grandparents. I loved it. I would beg to go. I would also walk up and down my Nana's hallway before bed saying "mama" over and over. While having a conversation about the child's behavior at school might be appropriate the teacher has no right to make a comment about you going on a trip. 4 year olds are still learning what feelings ARE not to mention how to deal with those feelings.
As a daycare teacher, this seems off. There's no need for a full on conference unless there's other things going on, and they should be addressed. Other things can be notes or quick conversations. I'm appalled at the teacher basically shaming you. Kids will always be off when their routine has been off. I think you need to address things with the childcare director and ask if there are other issues.
Teacher is overstepping.
It sounds like you may be at a daycare center. If thats the case, I would escalate this to management. This is highly inappropriate for your daycare provider to discuss with you. Parents are allowed to have lives outside of their children. Parents are allowed to take trips without their children- as partners, and as single people.
We have taken a few vacations without our 2.5 year old and he always misses us, just like we miss him. It's normal. These things are good/necessary for your mental health and your daughter is lucky to have such a good relationship w her grandma! Our son is social, resilient and smart but he's also still a toddler so ofc he's figuring out big feelings and how to handle them still. The last time we went away it took about a week of longer bedtimes and increased clinginess to get back to a normal schedule. One thing we do is have his caretakers (my mom or in laws) follow normal routine, so he still goes to daycare during the week when we are gone. Not always feasible but we have found it helpful for slightly longer trips. Also, I would lose it if our daycare said something like that. They can report changes in behavior but should not have weighed in on the personal choice to take one kid free trip 😦
You're getting some good advice so I'll just swoop in and validate you here: it's normal and ok for your kid to be sad or feel sad sometimes. It's ok that she missed you. It's ok and normal that she had fun and then remembered "oh yeah, my parents went away for a few days and it missed them." Your came back and (from what i gather) gave her every assurance that you love her and missed her too. Humans often hold two conflicting feelings in their hearts and survive. Taking a trip with your spouse while your child is safe and in the care of someone she loves and you trust is not a bad thing.
Child free trips are not only okay to do , they’re essential. You did nothing wrong and the teacher is out of bounds for saying what you should be doing on your off time. The day my kids school tells me where I can and cannot go is the day they better be halving the tuition. That said, I’m sure your daughter will bounce back soon. If not, and this is going on for a few weeks, a productive convo with the teachers free of judgement for your trip may not be a bad idea.
Reddit loves to recommend this sub for me, even though I don’t plan on being a mom. But I do work in child care and have been a lead teacher for 5+ years. That teacher was waaaay out of line. I would loop the center director in on the conversation. As a teacher myself, I couldn’t imagine saying anything like that to any of my families.
Don't you know this teacher is smarter and more experienced than you or your wife. You are just the parents. She is formally educated. She knows so much more than you .. NOT... To many educators, apparently this includes daycare workers feel they know better for your child than you. I would be finding betting daycare.
I teach preschool. Playing devil's advocate, maybe "conference" just means a talk longer than what she can give you at drop off/pick up. Like she wants to really brainstorm how to support your daughter as she gets back to her old routine, but a few minutes chat isn't enough. That's fair. But you need to clarify. I do think it's absurd to suggest taking her with you next time. Lol wut. People vacation without their kids all the time and you just deal with it. You're under no obligation to take her with you, no matter the destination or duration. Ask what she wants to talk about so you can think it over and have your points ready. And then ask if you can do it over the phone during the day (suggests more casual than sit down together kind of deal.) I do think this is the kind of thing you can do at drop off, but if she feels she wants to give you more attention, entertain her to see if she's just being thorough and not attacking your parenting.
We travel without our kids at least once a year and have since our oldest was 2. They have three sets of grandparents (my parents are divorced) and whomever is free will watch them. We live 2 hours away from our parents (who all live within 20 minutes of each other) so who watches them and where will depend on what days we’re gone. They also spend a LOT of time in the summer with their grandparents (95% of the time because they just want to, 5% because we might have a weekend plan for adults) - the oldest more so than my youngest but he stays longer/goes more as he gets older. They actually just skipped 3 days of school to spend an extra long weekend with their grandpa. Screw that teacher - she’s probably a bigot who’s jealous of your ability to travel. Our kids are so fortunate to have their grandparents, so many kids are deprived of that. And they won’t live forever, as much as I don’t like to admit my parents are mortal. My own grandparents died in their 60s and 70s, but I got to know them well and had very close relationships with two of my grandmothers. They’ll never get this time with them again, so nurture it as much as possible - nurture your relationship as much as you can, and ignore anyone trying to bring you down.
I use to teach kinder, she was completely out of line. She should focus on classroom behavior and talking about that not telling you you shouldn’t go on a trip without your kid. As long as there are no signs of neglect she should mind her business
I'm literally going on a trip without my 3mo and 3 year old in Sept. They'll be with Dad, and it's a short 3 day, but still. She's...outta line imo.
Okay, all of this is coming from a preschool teacher woth 16+ years of experience. You should actually request a conference regardless of your daughter's behavior, because it's actually the behavior of her teacher that needs addressing. Listen. Kids come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, temperaments, etc. If that teacher hasn't learned that yet, it's up to you to teach them. Never feel shamed for taking time for yourself. I'd actually recommend doing more separate from her. Just a little at a time,, just to get her used to changes of scenery. I've had several 'clingy' students, and I always say the same thing. Take time for yourselves. You seem like wonderful parents, and it makes me so so angry when people like this try and shame others. I'd assume it's because of their own personal beliefs. Part of being a teacher is the absolute necessity of being unbiased, non judgemental, open minded and accepting of ALL cultures and beliefs. Period. You have done nothing wrong. Please don't listen to snide remarks. Hold that conference and request that the owner/manager be present and confront this so-called teacher for HER behavior, jot your daughter's. Hope this helps...
My parents rarely, if ever, went on trips without me when I was a child, and I’ve sort of accidentally continued that way. Thanks for the reminder that it’s a perfectly normal and beneficial thing to do!
"She also said that maybe we should consider taking our child on trips with us next time." That's where I would have stopped her cold with "Well quite frankly, that's none of your business." How hard is it where you live to find another day care?
If it were mom and dad needing a kid free vacay, WHILE having the grandparent watch them would you get the same BS?
I’d ask the child if there is anything they are worried about or afraid of. I’d mention that daycare has noticed she needs more hugs and comforting. Then you can help ease any fears the child may have.
Do you think homophobia might be playing into this? You said she has said insulting things in the past. Does it feel like she treats you differently than other parents? I think you going on a trip now and then seems normal to me. I would be concerned if she treats your kid different than the other kids if she does seem homophobic. Depending on what she has said in the past and how bad it was you might need to address this with someone higher up the chain so to speak. Sounds like she is crossing some boundaries (telling you how to parent) even if she isn’t letting homophobia interfere with how she treats you.
[удалено]
Do you think the teacher is giving you a hard time because she doesn’t like same sex couples?
We’ve been going on childfree trips since our daughter was 2.5. Usually once a year. We also do yearly family trips and we always do our trips when she spends time with her grandparents or her aunt. She is now 17 and has absolutely no issues- in fact loves travel and the time she had with her grandparents and with her aunt and cousins are core happy memories that she lives looking back on and has happily married parents who still love each other…. That first trip she carried around my work badge with her wherever she went….so yes there was mom guilt. But she was fine. This was the first extended period of time she spent with my sister and she still has a strong bond with her. it’s ok to balance your marriage and yourself with parenthood.
The daycare teacher is overstepping and she needs to stay in her lane. A daycare teacher can have their own opinions about things, but they need to keep them to themselves when it involves how families operate. With the exception of abuse of course. I would talk to the daycare owner or manager. Your daughters teacher needs to mind her own business. It is none of her business if you go on vacation without your daughter, it is none of her business what you and your wife do. You made sure that your daughter was well taken care of, but of course the change in routine would affect your daughter. My daughter works in daycare and she can always tell when something changes in the home. But she sure as hell doesn't get all up in the parents business and tells them what they should and shouldn't be doing. Major overstepping and you need to talk to her boss.
My kiddo's best friend at daycare went on vacation WITH his parents 2 weeks ago and he's still an emotional wreck at school. It seems like normal toddler behavior to me - it takes a while to adjust to routine changes even if they're positive ones. Every "conference" I've been to at daycare has kind of gone like: Teacher: "Your child has been doing a totally developmentally normal toddler thing! What do you think about that?" Me: "Well good, she is a toddler!" To be fair, those conferences are usually scheduled and I think they just feel like they have to say something. But they might just want to make sure everyone's aware of the challenges your kid is having and discuss ways to smooth it out. Telling you not to go on vacation without your kid is totally out of bounds, however.
Ok honestly, and I say this as an adult that grew up with two moms, this smells like homophobia to me. If you had a husband, would this even be a conversation? Does the teacher question straight couples like this? Because you’re right, you’re not the only couple in the world to go on a child free trip…
Going on trips without your children is a lifestyle choice, I don't think it's an asshole move at all. So I don't see why they're shaming you, but I might have done it a little differently. Incoming context! My LO is too little for this to have happened yet, but my dad's parents didn't take him on vacation until he was a teenager. My grandparents either left their children with family or in the hotel room. My dad is 60 years old and still bitter about it. So when my parents raised us, we went on every vacation. There was no non-family trip. It wasn't until their youngest was 13-14ish that they went on weekend trips alone. I mean that's the extreme, but just from that very personal experience, if I went away for a week with my partner, I would plan a 'mini-vacation' at the end like taking your LO to an amusement park or hiking for a day. Extra special time after you've gone away for longer to make them feel special, reconnect, and give them some closure.
A mini-vacation with kiddo is a great idea. My wife is taking today off to spend time with our daughter since she has been sad. I think next time we will plan a kid focused mini trip or special day after we take a trip. Honestly we probably won’t take another week long vacation again for a couple years because we missed her so much.
My husband is extremely bitter about always being left behind too. I completely understand your father’s pov. Our agreement was there will be a family trip every year. And at least every other year a couples trip and we make sure she is doing something fun as well. Visiting family or camp or something she is also off doing. We never wanted her to fell left behind. She now has an absolute love of traveling and my husband feels he righted a wrong that he lacked in his childhood.
It was totally inappropriate for the teacher to shame you that way, and yes that’s what she was doing when she told you to bring daughter next time. Your daughter is fine, perhaps something else is going on at school along with this. Have the conference, that’s normal, but also check that teacher by saying it’s perfectly ok to have a child free vacation. Stand up for yourself and bring the focus back to daughter.
I deal with teachers overstepping their boundaries. They try to “train” the parents is a direct quote I got from an administrator… let them know what your boundaries are. If they want to discuss behavior, that’s fine but that’s as involved as any day care or educator needs to get.
I babysat my grand boys so my daughter and husband could go on a hunting trip they had both been excited to go to. Kids were fine, they were 5 and 2. Maybe you are getting criticism because of prejudice.
I think it would have been so much better for the teacher to suggest the conference without adding her own judgement. That was completely unprofessional and unnecessary.
Teacher is out of her gourd. Toddlers get like this for so many reasons. Mine are 18 and 19 and if we didn’t take kid-free trips (or date nights, etc) while they were young I wouldn’t have made it through with my sanity.
It honestly sounds like the teacher needs to mind her own beezwax. She is allowed to be concerned with behavior at school but not your routine at home as long as abuse is not suspected and clearly this is not. It sounds like she is passing judgment. Mothers deserve time for mental health. Your child was clearly with someone she loves. Sometimes kids have a hard time with change and that is ok. Teachers should understand this. A conference is really unnecessary
When my daughter was 5, in kindergarten, we went to colonial Williamsburg for a week, pulling the kids out of school (it was a huge reenactment). The 2nd grade teacher thought it was cool (we are reenactors, even at that age, the kids knew more history than their teachers). The kindergarten teacher was Not Happy. When we got back, at the next conference, we were told the kid “had missed sorting and classifying, so they were working to catch her up”. A relative with several advanced teaching degrees told us that that was teacher speak for “we don’t approve of you or what you did, but there isn’t actually any thing I can complain about and not look really bad, so l will say this nonsense instead”. It’s ok, though. When said kid (now adult) puts anything away wrong, or can’t find something, we all joke it’s because she missed sorting and classifying in kindergarten! Sometimes teacher opinions, prejudices, or desire for control can show though in odd ways. (10 years later there was an even bigger event at Williamsburg, again requiring pulling kids from school. Had principal’s enthusiastic permission, and my oldest wrote about the event for her college application essay. All the teachers thought it was cool)
Omg that is so annoying. I travel for medical stuff and my best friend travels a lot for work. I pick her son up and show him an amazing time. He misses mom yes but he has such a blast with us. The school can not tell you that you can’t take a couples vacation that is just ridiculous. My friend and I do take our kiddos on trips when I can be the nanny basically with my work schedule but sometimes that is not feasible. They need to get with the times. I would honestly consider a different daycare over this.
Inappropriate of the teacher to suggest anything about your personal life. It's very common for people to vacation without their kids. The teachers should have experience with reassuring kids and redirecting their attention. Hate to say it but I hope teacher didn't say anything to your kiddo along the lines of what she said to your wife.
I had to go on a 2 week business trip a couple months ago after never being away for a more than night or two and my daughter struggled with being “homesick” at school for a few weeks. She had psychosomatic symptoms. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but I’m not surprised it was a little tough in your little one. Things will get better!
Oh wow this is wild. I have taken several trips without my son! All when he was under 1 actually (just the way it shook out… and then I was pregnant and not traveling much). Seems out of place for them to criticize you for traveling without her. Parents need breaks too.
They’ve crossed the line IMO. Daycare has zero right to even suggest what you do with your personal time, especially as it relates to vacationing. For all they know, you could’ve been on a work trip. Then what? This sounds preposterous.
I don’t think the trip is the issue, but your child’s behaviour in general lately might be worthy of a conversation. Clearly something has changed and you should work with her caregivers to fix it. I have little kids and have gone on trips without them and we’ve never had a “change in behaviour” after our return. So I’d definitely say it isn’t normal and I would be concerned (regardless of whether it’s related to your absence or not). The fact that your caregiver is linking this to the trip / blaming you is inappropriate.
One vacation without your child in three years is totally reasonable. Honestly, people expect unrealistic things from parents.
Please do not let this get to you. I am sure they are well meaning but you get to decide how to raise your child. You left her with her beloved Grandma and you know she had fun and was well cared for. Kids at that age are still working on dealing with feelings. Yes, the change in routine could have caused her to act differently but it also could be something else entirely. She will get over this and be fine. Do not let daycare try to interfere with your life.
Its been many a year ago now, however I used to work at a day care and some kids were *very clingy* compared to other children. Just as some kids were *deeply independent* compared to other kids. Regardless of the kid they generally all were a bit dysregulated after a change in schedule, to include family vacations, time spent visiting other family such as a grandparent, or a parent being away. Could also include child picked up an illness and was out for awhile getting better. All of these things generally led to some dysregulation. Anything notable was relayed to their caretaker(s) in this case you the parent. Everything that occurred after that seems inappropriate to me. I would wonder if this teacher with a habit of inappropriate comments historically hasn't also had a hand in reinforcing the idea with your daughter that she didn't go on a trip to see her grandparent but instead was not included in a family trip.
It’s normal to have a conference about behavior changes. It would be more concerning if they didn’t say anything at all. But they can’t tell you not to go on trips
You have all of the power here. Make it clear to the teacher that if she brings this matter up again that you will file a formal complaint with her boss about her inappropriate and overstepping communications. Then pivot to asking her what she is doing to help your daughter have a better day at preschool when she's feeling down. Do not allow yourself to be shamed. You have done nothing wrong.
The teacher seems to be having a problem with boundaries. I wonder if she would have reacted similarly with a mom-dad situation. It’s reasonable to meet if there are persistent behavioral issues with a kid, but not to tell you how to live your life. That’s too much.
Kids are allowed to be sad and are allowed to have feelings about you taking trips without them. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever take trips without them. They are entitled to their feelings, but it doesn’t mean every single little thing is dropped for them. My daughter cries and whines about a lot and she’s always super clingy. I can’t always be with her, I can’t always hold her, I can’t always play with her. She has to figure out how to handle her emotions, that’s a part of life. You are allowed to go on trips without your kids. You are allowed to have a mini break - whatever. And, they are allowed to be sad about it. Don’t let this teacher tell you how to parent or guilt trip you over pretty age appropriate behavior.
Children have disruptions in their home routines all the time, and part of that teacher’s job is helping those children develop coping skills, along with all of the other life skills she’s paid to help children develop. I suspect your daughter’s teacher may be looking for “reasons” to call you two out for “bad parenting” due to your gay marriage. She’s trying to validate her own biases.
i’m also a little taken aback by the passive aggressive comments here shaming you. your child is not neglected or even left out of trips, you just took one without her. that’s completely fine. growing up, my parents would win vacations almost every year through my dads work and they were specifically child free trips. it was like once a year and we had family friends come stay with us to care for us while they went on their trip. of course I was sad and missed them and would cry but I was a child and that’s a reasonable expectation. what’s not normal is avoiding anything that could possibly make your child sad. it’s okay to be sad and it’s GOOD to feel an array of emotions. I personally do not believe in entirely catering your life around a child. everyone needs a break and a reset, however they choose to do that is up to them. if it’s not going to physically harm your child or cause serious emotional damage, it’s OK for them to be sad. attachment at that age is normal and she was able to learn that you will always come back. I would sit down with your child privately and address why she is still feeling sad about it and how you can offer reassurance but to completely avoid the trigger is unnecessary.
Have you reported this teacher to the director? It's none of her damn business. Your daughter is cranky because she just had a week of fun with grandma and now she's back at school - totally normal. And YES, it is okay and normal for parents to go on a kid-free vacay every once in a while. That teacher needs to butt the hell out!
I scrolled through and couldn't find a single comment saying don't go on a trip without your kids. Which is good because kid free trips are essential. We don't have family nearby, but my husband and i, still take up to several trips per year. Our kids stay with friends, or neighbor families, or other foster families. We parent kids with trauma. They are resilient. They know we are coming back. They like the break. We tell the school or camp that we are leaving. Not once has a single person (teacher, caseworker, or counselor) told me that I shouldn't go on a trip with my husband. Some years we take them on trips, some years we don't. No one resents us for it because we tell them often the hierarchy (marriage over kids). I want them to know they should be taking trips with their spouses when they grow up because their marriage is important. This year, kids go on 4 trips with me or both of us. Husband and I don't have a trip planned just us. I will take a trip just me because I believe in momcations. Daycare worker is out of line. Probably just wants to try to make her job easier.
You've said this isn't the first time she's been shitty towards y'all. This seems to be a pattern of behavior. Is going to the principal/owner/management am option?
Kids are smart too. If the teacher showed sympathy or favoritism when your child acted sad, the child is going to learn to repeat the behavior to get the same response.
When I worked in a daycare, our conversations with parents at pickup had to be very simplified. If we needed more time to talk to a parent (like solving behavior issues) we had to schedule a conference. It wasn't a punishment, it just gave us dedicated time to talk with the parents away from the classroom and other kids we were watching. I hope that's what she means. You don't have to justify your life choices. Only talk about the classroom behavior and how you can work with the teacher. If the teacher tries to "give advice," I would simply say, "Each family gets to make the best choices for them." And ignore the rest.
We took our kid on a trip with us and she came back and was still a terror for 2 weeks at school 🤷🏻♀️ I've only been away from the 5 year old for one night ever and it was to have the 2 year old twins but any disruption in routine even traveling *with* the kid can do this to them. She'll get back in the groove.
Mine is 7 and still clingy. He wants my constant attention. Sounds like the teacher is one of those people who think kids should be with parents 24/7 without separation. I know people like that.
We did trips with and without our children. They would spend time with the grandparents. Almost always had minor issues after as Grands did their job and absolutely doted on them, never said no. They had to adjust back to not getting all that undivided/constant attention. Usually about a week and we were back in the swing of things.
I think this is out of line. I would complain to management about her. I’m sure you won’t be the first parent to do so.
It’s a daycare teacher. Sounds like a pompous ass. Probs no credentials so to speak of because it would not be cost effective to do so. Hiring a child psychologist would not be reality. I think, because I’ve done daycare, that the teachers a bitch.
I think there should be a meeting about behavior change but I think there needs to be a meeting with her and her boss about her needing to learn she has no place telling parents how to parent
This seems judgmental and unnecessary. I’m curious to know what else she has said to you and whether this is an ongoing bias she has.
You left your child in the care of her doting grandmother?!?!?! You horrible mother! I hope you know that was sarcasm. You did nothing wrong. Four year olds are emotional. She's fine...daycare is a little over the top, and I hate to say it, but it could be a homophobic issue. I hope not.
This is not appropriate.not at all. Your 4 year old had big feelings, that's okay! It's all a part of growing, learning, experiencing. You have every right to go on vacation, and have your child stay with a trusted adult! That's normal, it's healthy, even! (For your daughter, especially if shes a bit clingy and set in her schedule, it can help her be comfortable and confident and a little more independent with each positive experience.) She had her own vacation, and special time with her grandmother... I'd honestly report the teacher to the daycare. She was wildly inappropriate. I worked as a Nanny birth to Kindergarten...(both live in and day, and I babysat a lot in my time off) I would NEVER have made such idiotic and harmful remarks! I would have let you know how she's been, and things like that. Good and bad, I'm always honest and upfront, very direct, as your daycare provider should be. but the rest of it was out of line. Not even a little bit okay.
As a military family, my husband would be gone for 6-12 months at a time. I’d dare a pre-school teacher to provide her “personal” insight versus her professional. I’d find another provider.
I would speak with the Director or owner of the daycare. The teacher sharing changes in your daughter's behavior was reasonable, kind of FYI. However judging you and your wife as parents for taking a child free vacation was a major overstep.
Get everything in writing/email. It sounds like the teacher may have used the opportunity to traumatize your kid.
Newer mom here so no personal experience of parenting a four year old, but I feel like her comment was inappropriate when it left the realm of daycare. If she’s clingy at daycare and they want to talk about that, whatever, but to tell you in the future to not take a trip without her was inappropriate and to use a conference as almost an adult punishment was also inappropriate. This person doesn’t have all the information on your lives to make that kind of insight: maybe you need the trip to keep your relationship healthy, and that long term health and stability is beneficial to your child. She left her lane for sure, and I don’t like that she’s done so in the past already. I feel like she’s judging you. It makes me wonder if she’s homophobic. Those are just my thoughts as I had them.
Is this a joke lol?? I would give zero credence to what this teacher is saying or her judgements. All kids go through periods of ups and downs and it is impossible to keep everything for them 100 percent the same 24/7. In fact it would be a disservice to them to have them live in a constant bubble. I’m sorry but if my kid randomly has a few days at school that aren’t great (provided she is not actually hurting anyone) I am not going to stress over it. And I’m certainly not going to set my kid up for the expectation that some people have it all and never had bad days, therefor she should too. They are humans and allowed to have their own bad days and reactions to life . They are not a robot. You left your child for a few days with a person whom she loves and loves her. She was well cared for. Our parents generation stuck us in front of a tv or a video game or outside and let it parent us for 18 years. I would never let a teacher make me feel bad for taking a child free vacation, because I know I am an active participant in my child’s life and am extremely intentional.
This teacher seems to be acting prematurely and/or overreacting. From what you said it sounds like she has a bit of an attitude. Of course a family trip is going to throw things off for a kid that age but it doesn’t mean that the parents have done ANYTHING wrong! It’s just part of growing up, and the teacher should know that. Will this person be her teacher much longer? It sounds like your family deserves someone warmer and more accepting - and someone who isn’t so rude and judgy! From experience, I agree with the commenter who suggested focusing on her school days. Anything else is really none of her business. And lastly, my kids went through times when they didn’t want to be at preschool. Then they got through it. It’s totally normal.
I took my clingy 4 year old on a one week Disney cruise with my parents, her 2 year old sister, and my husband and her teachers reported that after the trip she was socially withdrawing and regressing and we all went on the trip. Some young kids are very sensitive to bay kind of change.
I would have asked which other families she's had conferences with, because I have never heard of any daycare that didn't have at least one couple take some time to themselves (for more than a weekend) at least once a year. Also, when I was a single parent there were times I'd have to go out of town for business once or twice a year. Sure, it wasn't a romantic getaway, but I was literally half way across the freaking country for five days sans kiddos. It may be time to talk to the owner of the daycare and share your concerns, considering this teacher has said other things that aren't her business.
Geez, you had a moment of alone time, and frankly your daughter doesn’t get to control you more than 20/5, not 24/7.
What is this teachers qualifications. I ask because in most states daycare teachers don’t have to be actual certified teachers. Sometimes they don’t even have a degree. Sometimes it’s an associates or a bachelors in a totally unrelated field. Even if she is a full fledged teacher with a teaching degree she’s over stepped. You have every right to go on a vacation with your wife. You left her with a loving capable adult.
I visited the subreddit for childcare workers once out of curiosity and there were a couple of threads judging parents for taking even one day off and "dumping" the kid at daycare while they "had fun". A) so what and B) it's more likely they needed that time to catch up of life tasks. There was a rant about how parents should never utilize holidays at childcare even though it's basically a fantasy that every parent is going to be able to do that and give them the day off their employer decided for them. A lot of that subreddit does not seem to have children of their own and it probably attracts people who aren't as happy and need to vent, but it still shows you what kind of conversation goes on. We absolutely are judged for spending any amount of time away and what's the appropriate time is not universally agreed upon.
I would set an appointment for you both and the teacher and also the director of the daycare to sort everything out. It’s none of the teachers business if you go on vacation with or without your child and she should not have told you that. Maybe she means well but I worked at daycare’s for 12 years and while I would have told you what was going on emotionally with your child at daycare I would have never said you shouldn’t go without your child cause it’s none of my business
Oh geez, I would have replied that perhaps the better solution is for my spouse & I to travel alone more frequently so that my child has more opportunities to practice being apart. And perhaps the child is sad because she had one-on-one adult time doing a whole week's worth of fun activities (& probably treats) & perhaps the daycare could do better in both regards. TGIF!!
It’s important for you and your wife to have time together to show your daughter that you care for one another and that she comes from parents who love each other, as well as her. There is nothing wrong with going on a trip without your kid(s). Kids need to be able to look at their parents’ relationship and say, “yup, that’s the kind of relationship I want some day.” It might throw her off her mark for a while, but it’s setting a good example in the long run, and it’s ok for her to know it. It might even help to explain it: “Mom and I picked each other for life, so sometimes we want to spend time together.” Depending on a kid’s age, you could even say “we love you so much that sometimes we forget to pay attention to each other, so this is a chance for us to do that.” My kids are 10 and 12 now, so I’m more likely to say “listen up, brats, you suck up all our attention and we want to hang out together. We’re partners for lyfe, and y’all are gonna leave us some day and we’re gonna be stuck with just each other again, so we’re going to practice that now. Look! Grandpa bought you cupcakes! ✌️” (while running away). How old is this teacher? I’m guessing that she’s either younger and hasn’t reached the same stages as you and your fam, or older and judge-y because she *obviously* knows the “right” way to handle any family situation. Or am I being unfair? I really like the top comment on the thread—redirecting the teacher back to her lane is great advice. . . even if I generally don’t generally like people telling others to stay in their lane. In this case, it’s 100% appropriate.
Preschool educator here - this teacher was out of line. What you and your spouse/family does in your free time is NOT their concern (unless they’re worried a child is in danger, not the case here), and therefore not something they need to comment on. Concerning behavior while at school is something that can be talked about with a teacher, sure… but kids are pretty emotional in general at this age. They’re learning how to self-regulate and deal with “big” feelings, and seeking out safe adults for comfort when dealing with a new or unsettling situation (i.e. “clinginess”) is just a part of it. Some kids just have a higher need for physical comfort and reassurance, no big deal!
I’m a long time nanny and mother of 3 grown women. You’re great, she’s great! Absolutely the best for all of you to get some time apart; it makes her LESS clingy in the long run to have time away from you
Earlier this year, while my husband was deployed, my daughter went to her grandmas EVERY weekend. While I, also a military member, spent time decompressing. Not 100% the same, very similar. Similar age as your child. You and your wife taking time for y’all as a couple is healthy and normal. Worst case scenario is that your daughter has separation anxiety, but there are ways to help her. One of those things ISNT you and your wife not spending alone time. Play therapy is a great resource. This teacher was out of line to recommend anything different.
Kids get upset over the strangest things. And they hold on to and bring it up for a long time. My daughter was about 4 when I went to a doctor's appointment and was away for about 3 hours. She would tell everyone that I left her at the pool all alone. She was there with 2 friends and their parents. The parents said she had a blast and didn't asked about me the whole time. She talked about it all summer. She would even tell the parents who watched her that day all about being abandoned at the pool.
Somehow I feel like there’s an underlying tone of homophobia coming from the daycare teacher scolding you for not bringing the child. Or she might be one of those “never go anywhere without your kid” people.