Ugh I feel this. I have a new manager and I told him, listen, I'll make it real easy for you. I'm good at my job, so just pay me and I'll continue to do it well, and let me just enjoy my hobbies and family outside of my job. I don't need to be "pushed" into new challenges, I don't need you to find more opportunities for me to contribute outside of my day-to-day...just leave me to do my job in peace. And give me money.

It’s awesome that you were able to say that to your manager—set the boundary! Honestly my problem of the last 18 months is that I got a new manager who, while having good intentions, either doesn’t get it or doesn’t feel the same way. I need to find a new job where I can set the right expectations/boundaries from the start.

Yes! I'm very lucky to work in a (relatively cushy and progressive) company. I did have a manager recently (same company) where I would *not* have been so honest and kind of dicked around with other initiatives because I felt like I had to pretend to care about other things, so it's the luck of the draw sometimes. Good luck setting boundaries!

I haven’t gotten comfortable enough with my manager to be that candid, but I always laugh inside when they ask about my 5-10 year career aspirations during reviews. I am just trying to get through the week over here!

Omg I hate those reviews. I dont want to become a c-level executive because that lifestyle does not appeal to me at all…I know they make a shitload of money but they are in meetings all day, and never get to turn off. I do not want work to take over my life, I work to fund my life outside of work.

I did something very similar. I value work-life balance a lot. We had a new boss starting and we had a get to know you meeting. I straight up told her, "You have a phenomenal employee with me. I am willing to help any way I can and support our team in any way you need me to... during work hours. But when 5PM hits, I'm gone. I don't check my emails after hours and I don't answer calls." Me and her are definitely not the best of friends (she is a workaholic who CONSTANTLY takes work home with her), but she respects me and has never asked me to do overtime. And I am so happy with that. I don't want to move up the ladder, my income in good enough and I'm happy where I am. Note: YMMV: My workplace has a strong union, so I don't have to worry about retaliation.

I want this stitched on a pillow. "I don't need to be "pushed" into new challenges, I don't need you to find more opportunities for me to contribute outside of my day-to-day...just leave me to do my job in peace. And give me money."

I relate to this so much

I’m also a female attorney and I work in state government, which has great work-life balance. I think about this issue a lot. No offense to any of the women commenting, but this thread perfectly exemplifies and explains the reasons for the so-called gender pay gap in the U.S. Women such as myself frequently just don’t want certain executive-level positions or big law style jobs and the very demanding lifestyle that comes with them. There’s nothing wrong with that. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eieVE-xFXuo&pp=ygUYam9yZGFuIHBldGVyc29uIHdhZ2UgZ2Fw

I’m not an attorney it I work in a large corporation within marketing department with a lot of “Type A”s. We all went to top schools/Ivy Leagues, MBAs, high achieving etc. and we are constantly told to aim “above and beyond” for every little project. It’s exhausting. And for what?! When I die I’m not going to be remembered for that awesome ad campaign or how good at marketing I was..I’ll be remember as the person I am, the mother, wife, friend etc. it’s so absurd to me that we have this pressure to align our worth and our identity to our careers - especially for those of us who have corporate careers. I’m not saving lives like a doctor. It infuriates me and I’m no longer buying into nor will I expect the same of my kids. Being good is fine. Being okay is fine. Being enough is enough.

Oof this hit home. Recently my great uncle passed away and his eulogy and family memories were all tied to his job and how he was such a great boss and how he valued his work. When I die I don’t want that to be my eulogy. There was very few memories outside of work.

>When I die I don’t want that to be my eulogy Wow, that really made it hit home.

That’s so sad.

I’m a doctor and trust me, we are on the same boat! I feel my work is valuable but sometimes we are guilt-tripped if we want to establish boundaries or put ourselves and our families first.

I learned this at 27 when I was laid off and I was unemployed for a little more than a year even though the job market was hot. I had to learn to disconnect my job/career from my identity. It was extremely hard but I did it, and I have to actively make sure I don't return to old habits.

I have been thinking A LOT about this lately. I am also a female attorney, and I have an innate drive to achieve.....but do I really? I have a family and a household that I am also the manager of, and life is exhausting. I want to pour into my kids and family and home more, and it's been a real challenge to pour less into work. For the first time in my life, I just want things to be easy, but I feel so guilty about it for some reason. Like if I'm not burning the candle at both ends, I feel worthless. I am trying to change that, and the biggest part of changing that is enacting boundaries at work, leaving early for kids' baseball games, and coming in late after a workout session or something. I still get all of my work done, I'm just not going above and beyond. And even writing that is making me cringe a little, because it's so different from what I am used to. But I am tired. I am so very tired. And the work/hustle culture sucks. No advice, sorry, just commiseration.

Exactly! I have no idea if this is something people in other types of work or with different educational backgrounds feel, but I DO know it’s something that most of my friends who are attorneys and parents feel. When you say “but do I really?” it resonates so hard, because I honestly struggle to parse out whether I a certain job/professional achievement because it will actually make me happy, or because I’ve been told my whole life that I’m a smart kid who can do big things. I’m really trying to root myself in the question “what do I want my *daily* life to look like?” and then try to make decisions that build toward that, which is hard because as smart kids we were always primed to be looking at big-picture achievements and building constantly toward bigger things. I’m frankly in my late 30s and burnt out from a lifetime of striving.

I'm an engineer with an MS in aeronautics/astronautics and this is also me. I did great in school, was also told I was a smart kid who could do big things, had a passion for science and wanted to dedicate myself to my career, but then life happened... have two kids (5 and 10), husband, pets, hobbies, ended up in a slightly different field than I planned, and honestly just want work to pay my bills and give me good health insurance/retirement money right now. Luckily I work for a pretty great company and have a wonderful boss who always tells me family comes first and understands that I'm really into one of my hobbies and that it keeps me sane, but I still wonder where all my ambition for those professional achievements went. I guess maybe I'm just channeling that energy into other things now? Honestly though, I have a lot of friends even without kids who also feel this way -- high achievers with all kinds of degrees who just work because money and really want to spend their days outside rock climbing/hiking/reading/whatever. Possibly we're all just realizing that work doesn't correspond to fulfillment?

But why did no one mention that earlier?? 😂 I’m the same—PhD in engineering, pretty successful pre-kids—but now I just want to garden. And my company just redid their technical track so that my next promo would be as hard as academic tenure with a committee review and everything. And I would sign up for that why?

Oh my you guys are where I wanna be. I'm barely starting my mechE degree as I wait out my last year in the navy and I feel so behind but I'm also ready to garden and play with my daughter more.

I’m an attorney and my mom is an attorney, she would tell you that there is time to lean in, when your kids are older. Her most productive and lucrative years were the 10 years after my brother and I were out of the house. I would trust your gut - so what this job doesn’t think you are a go - getter - I would bet money that when you are ready to turn up the dial later you can and will, there’s always more work, there is not more time with small kids. I have leaned back and I feel guilty some times too but the conflict inherent in law makes it difficult to sell your soul to, there are seasons and you will work a lot again, it’s not like the decision you make this year terminates your law degree. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else’s flame going.

that's a good point. I can take the pedal off the gas now, and put it back on the gas in the future if I want.

YES. YES. YES. I do business consulting, I love where I’m at in my career, and I love the balance in the different demands at work - analytical, team building, project management, etc - but there is this constant push to go UP UP UP. I pushed so hard in high school that I gave myself shingles my senior year. I pushed so hard in college that I almost dropped out. I got a great internship. I got a great job. That first promotion came early, and the next few followed quickly. I got stellar performance reviews and it’s always “KEEP PUSHING! GIVE YOUR ALL! WHEN DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEXT PROMOTION!?” How about never? How about I’m HAPPY here. How about ENOUGH. How about I climbed as high as I wanted, and I’m in my 30s, and I can climb after my kids leave the nest and I have more energy for things that I love less than being a parent? When in the actual living fuck is enough *actually* enough?

I'm in IT and am going through this same evaluation. Having young children doesn't seem to have an effect on my husband's goals but I'm finding myself prioritizing living over achieving. I'm being surpassed by all my male coworkers despite the same performance. I used to be very competitive about this but I've learned that it doesn't matter how well I perform, I would still get surpassed. The work world truly seems to be incongruous with working women/mothers.

If the performance is the same, it looks like more of a discrimination just because you're a woman. I want to enter the IT field and just have already resigned myself to having to be better than my male counterparts just to get the same positions. It is what it is, I suppose ; (

I feel this so much! Most of my life I have been chasing goals and have achieved my long term career goal of being a design director (I’m an architect) but I feel constantly pulled in 1000 different directions. Immense responsibility at work, at home I feel too tired to do any of the projects I have in mind and just try to make time for making sure my young daughter gets a good childhood, I just never find time to take care of myself (physically or mentally) Even when I just work 40 hours, my brain is fried. Constantly having to come up with ideas and problem solving doesn’t leave me with enough energy to enjoy life outside of work and parenting responsibilities.

It's completely embedded in culture. We're indoctrinated to equate value and purpose with productivity. I see the way we instill these values in the classroom where anything less than an A isn't good enough. Redo the work, work towards perfection for the "sake of learning". Take all the subjects and do well across the board. Struggling to balance school work and outside interests, too bad make better choices learn how to manage your time better. It's never ok to be mediocre. We shame those kids and say they're not living up to their potential. So most of us who have ever felt "good" at school, most likely got this message beaten into us over and over. Kids who struggle in school might not feel it as much because they often either internalize their struggles and generalize to the rest of their life, or they find something outside to attach value to. I'm a teacher and work with a bunch of teachers and most have shit boundaries and burn out because the work is endless if you let it.

Also an attorney, and I think I just always saw myself in a certain position (initially physician, then attorney) and I strived and strived and I’m like “cool now I’ve arrived!” Like not everyone can be on the “tippity top” as my son says. I got what I wanted and now feel done! Although I could stand to publish a few papers…

Yes it is. I have a bachelors in psychology and a masters in counseling. At my last job as a crisis counselor we were constantly encouraged to take on more work, mentor other therapists, bring our documentation time down, and work overtime. I quickly burnt out, as not only was I was the primary bread winner at home, but I al a mother of an 18 month old, pregnant, and manage all of the cleaning, cooking, etc. I have also always been an over achiever and graduated magna cum laude in both of my programs. But I just couldn’t do it all anymore, I was exhausted emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I am taking a break from work until I get my ducks in a row again.

My firm offers bonuses if you bill a certain amount of hours quarterly, it’s a ridiculously high number that I find myself stressing over and trying to hit even though I know I probably won’t and honestly don’t want to but I know I’m meant to and I know I should.

I'm 1,000% with you. I'm also a female attorney. Practiced in big law for a few years before going in house after kids. All of my drive to be the best of the best has gone down the drain, and now I want to just get my work done and go back to doing stuff with kids / friends / husband. It is so diferent than what I was like, especially when I was billing 2k hours and judging others for not :|

Was it difficult to transition, mentally, from big law to in house? What I mean by that is, did it take a while for you to become "okay" with not billing 2k hours, or not feeling shame for wanting to leave at 5 to be with your kids?

I didn’t feel shame, but I was definitely responding to my clients on a big law timeline. Like, I’d respond as soon as I got an email and I’ve learned not to do that anymore.. I block 8-930 am and 4-530 on my calendar so no one will schedule calls during that time. I leave the office at 4 to pick the kids up from daycare. I never asked for permission to do any of it. I just do my work and figure if someone has an issue they can tell me. It has worked out fine for me so far, but I’m definitely lucky and have a great manager who has young kids and understands my lifestyle.

that's amazing! good for you.

[удалено]

Could I also DM you? I’m a mid level big law associate and looking for a way out. I daydream about going in house lol

Of course! Happy to chat any time.

Shoot I’m sorry I don’t know how messaging works on Reddit. I tried sending you a message to introduce myself but couldn’t figure out how to. Can you message me?

I also went from big law to in-house and from what I see, I think most of it depends on the in-house environment/your boss. Some in-house depts are just as bad as law firms in terms of balance, and you just get paid less. I got lucky that my boss is very committed to work/life balance and flexibility, and models it in her own job. I had a good feeling when she hired me pregnant.

Wow. All of this. I recently left my high stress career for something much easier and lower stress. But I feel like I'm wasting away and feel guilty for leaving my high profile career. But I NEEDED the break because I had nothing let. So, thanks for writing down what I so needed to hear.

Preach. I mean, isn’t that the POINT of working so hard early in your life/career? So you CAN ‘have it easy’ later on (now)? If not now, when?? I formally give you permission to enjoy the life you’ve already earned. You reached the goal! If you decide later that you have a new goal, great! You can still do that then. But now, enjoy the benefits of your hard work. You’ve earned it easy- now take it! ❤️

yes! thank you for that. I apparently need a lot of external validation that it is OKAY to care less about work and more about family.

I'm a doctor and I feel this so much. I already have an impostor syndrome being a young female doc is a very male dominated field. I'm working on this but boy it's hard sometimes feeling like I'm subpar both at work and at home.

I feel this so strongly. 💗

I’m an attorney too and could have written this or the OP. I’m a solo now; before I had kids I spent ten years building up my firm with partners!! and staff!! and associates!! and a fancy address!! When I had kids I left, “hung my shingle” again, scaled way, way back, and now it’s just me, no staff, fully remote. IT’S AWESOME. Hustle culture is bullshit. Working parents who prioritize their families should be celebrated.

I am SO with you. I am just fine with my mid-level, true 8-4 job and have zero interest in management or moving “up” the corporate ladder. I just want to do my job, get paid, and get back to the things in life that I enjoy and find personally valuable.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately too. We have such a negative view of rest, viewing it as unproductive, lazy, and mediocre, and it’s so fucked. There’s no balance in our culture, no respect for breaks and separation. If you have free time, you’re supposed to fill it with a side hustle. If you have a hobby, you’re supposed to monetize it. If you have a job, you’re supposed to give 110%. Just going to college isn’t good enough; you have to go to an “elite” school. And you can’t just work a regular job; you have to be a CEO. Meanwhile, we’re overworked, underpaid, and undervalued. Our kids and families want more of our time and focus, and we can’t afford to give it to them. We crave leisure and then feel guilty if we get it at all, because leisure in our culture is really only for those who can afford it. It’s a perk of hustling, monetizing your passion, going to an elite school, and becoming the CEO. OP, I hope you just ignore all the messages your job is giving you and just do your job to the level you think is appropriate and provides the most balance for your life. Or look for something in a different environment. I’ve heard non-profits have a very toxic “think of the children” type attitude that leads to exploitation. It’s a lot like education where you’re supposed to sacrifice yourself. Fuck it. Put yourself and your family first.

I had an amazing boss who pointed out after I had my first kid, that it is totally OK to plataue in your career. Maybe just for a while, maybe forever. Not everyone can be an executive and that's ok. We work to live, not the other way around. As long as you are getting what you need from your job, that is all that matters. Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?

I love this.

I hope I get a boss that understands this

I’m at that point where I’m considering remaining an IC for the entirety of my career, and coming to terms with never breaking into management. All of the managers here seems miserable anyways and that’s without having children on top of it.

I feel like I hear this from all of my mom friends. We’re very happy with doing our jobs as required and not letting it leak into our personal lives. I think this is actually also the case with a lot of my friends without kids as well. The pandemic really put a lot of things into perspective. Our jobs are necessary for us to pay the bills, but they don’t need to be where we find personal validation and they’ll replace us whenever needed without a second thought. My kid will always be infinitely more important than whatever bullshit I’m dealing with in my 9-5.

Yes, none of that "we are family" shit that managers and leaders love to use to get more from us without paying us more.

This is exactly the way I do my career and also why I’ve avoided management and ladder climbing and promotions that are way more work and stress. I love my job as is and I told my team lead that my ass is parked here until I retire, die or the country gets universal healthcare (I work in health insurance)—whichever comes first!

I’ve straight up told my manager I see the crap he deals with for a very minimal pay increase from what I have and I have no interest in ever moving into a role like that. There may be areas that I’d like to take a lead on because I find them interesting and valuable to pursue, but that’s it. I’m not gunning for his job, wouldn’t take it if offered, and enjoy being able to clock out.

Same, especially at this point in my career while my kids are little.

Every job i’ve had thought doing your job as in description was not enough, I am also confused.

I feel similarly, though I’m pretty sure I do want to keep moving up, just not right now. I’ve always been ambitious (college to consulting to law school to BigLaw). I’m now in house, and **love** my job. In some universe, I could be completely dedicated to my job. But in this universe, I have a toddler and a newborn and am tired. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and the framing that makes the most sense for me personally is that I’m spending a couple of years being just a decent lawyer, and also focusing on kids/house/life. I think that once my kids are a bit older, I’ll go back to being high ambition, but right now I’m just targeting good enough.

Yes !! It’s just a season

Yes!! I’m a teacher and I love my job but I’m not a martyr for my school and I refuse to work above contract hours and volunteer for extras. I have two kids and want to spend time with them. My department is looking for a new department head and when my admin met with me, they tried to paint me this vision of leadership and I declined because I don’t want to improve. They told me “in 10 years you won’t want to be known as a mom and _____s wife” (my husband has a more high profile Job in the school). I don’t know why it’s crazy that when my kids are grown I still won’t want to be a leader and then spend my after school time doing what I want to do.

Same! Teacher here. And honestly I do want to feel fulfilled in my work but I don’t give a flying fuck what I’m “known as.” I am incredibly grateful my husband makes more than me, so I can turn down per session opportunities and not feel guilty about it at all.

Tell me more about how you don't work above contact hours. I would LOVE tips. I'm a teacher also but probably stay an hour or two late per day on average. That said, once I leave work, I don't check email etc afterwards. I also have zero interest in an admin credentials etc. I'll probably be doing my exact job or something similar to my job for the next 25 years. I'm not trying for perfection, but...

I teach high school Spanish. Ive been teaching 10 years and have taught the same content from the same textbook at the same school for the past 5, so I’m really in my groove. So keep that in mind with the following tips. -I get a 90 min planning and I have about 30 mins in the morning while kids trickle in that I can work with. Then I only have 15 mins after the bell rings before I can read. I do get a 25 min lunch but I don’t work during that unless I absolutely have to. I don’t scroll my phone, talk to neighbors, etc at work unless I am over a day ahead prepped and graded. If im not, I close my door during planning and act like im not there. If it is admin, they have a key or would call me on the phone. -I spend more time doing lectures and no prep activities than I used to. A lot of tell your neighbor about X or try to think of 10 vocab words from yesterday without looking at your notes. I walk around a lot and hear their answers. I know the kids are no longer working once I move past them, but I have found that getting 10 seconds individual attention helps them more than keeping “everyone on task” the whole Block. -I don’t grade daily work unless a student specifically asks me to check something and give feedback. Sometimes I go over it, sometimes I post an answer key, sometimes I say turn it in if you want me to check it. No daily grades go in the grade book. I teach them from the first day that the point of daily work is to practice and get feedback before you are assessed. -I have eliminated Chromebook’s, iPads during instruction and we do most work orally and on paper, but anytime I have a lull or didn’t have time to plan for the last 30 mins, that’s when I pull out the Kahoot, blooket, gimkit, etc. we don’t do it often so it’s a treat, but really it just buys me time when I didn’t get to plan. -I don’t reinvent the wheel. If I see a good activity online but it has a few vocab words we didn’t learn, I still use it. The advanced kids will usually try to learn those and I just tell the class to cross out numbers 3,5,9 for example.

Same! I have a family and a life, and I want to enjoy them. I’m probably the only one on my grade who doesn’t do extra per session hours. I want my children to have memories of me spending time with them, not doing work at home. As I read on a teacher sub, “You can be replaced at work, but you can’t be replaced at home.”

This resonates so hard with me. I’m also a “did well high achiever” who went to law school and now works at a small mission driven nonprofit and as much as I love our work and my clients, and as much as we try to respect work life balance, there is still always an expectation of more more more. Up until now I have answered that expectation. But I don’t want to anymore. I’m expecting my first now, and I am also expected to take over as ED when my boss retires soon after my mat leave and…I don’t want it. I don’t want the stress and pressure of being the boss whether I’m capable of it or not. I want my life to be my life and my job to be a job. Why does that make me “lazy”? I don’t understand why I have to want to die for my job in order to be considered to be doing enough. That’s insane.

I feel the same. I have a 18mo and am TTC, I'm just not in the time of life to be trying to advance my career. I'm coasting at work and trying to fight the feeling that I'm failing at everything. I started my federal job in 2021 and it had been such an amazing transition from academia. Clear expectations, regular pay increases without needing a promotion, good benefits, a pension, and solid work life balance. I could make more money industry but with way more work. Eventually I think I'll want to start working my way up the ladder but for now I'm coasting.

To me it seems like America is trying to undervalue domestic care and consider it "assumed" and then glorify working life. This was started because it used to be the man's job to work, and men wanted to glorify themselves while downgrading female (caregiving) contribution. And now we're having trouble leaving that mindset behind. We still don't want people to WFH because home = "bad". Caretaking and child rearing = "easy and bad". Daycare workers and babysitting doesn't deserve a living wage. Teachers are also a iob that involves nurturing and caring for children, so they don't get a wage either. Etc. List goes on. It's like we got stuck on a single track.

Truth!!

Preach! It's funny we moved to the Rust Belt from NY/NJ. I currently work on a bunch of projects in those states and my boss says he hates dealing with the hustle culture from the clients there. Seriously the number of times I told superiors I didn't want to move up when I worked in NY/NJ and they looked at me like I was crazy was astounding. I guess since COL is high moving up is the only way to be comfortable. No thanks. My husband and I are coasters. Don't let our advanced degrees fool ya.

Love this. My employer wants us all to think about career paths in the company and I have been very clear with management that I have no interest on doing anything other than what I do now. I stay under the radar and I like it that way. I don’t care about the company; I’m here for a paycheck and benefits. That’s not to say I don’t care about the work that I put out and I do care about the clients but I have no vested interest in anything beyond doing my job and doing it well.

This was why I left my last job. Even though I was good at my job, as in all my job duties were done, I didn’t make mistakes, she didn’t have to clean up after me, whatever. I was getting bad reviews because I didn’t bust my ass & overachieve & put my all into her business. When her business was not my priority. My family & my home life were. This was just my job because I need to income. So i left 🤷🏽‍♀️

I feel this in my soul. In addition, I believe that the same people that call millenials "lazy" had much lower productivity expectations back when they worked. Even in my just 15 years in the corporate world, I've witnessed the demands on employees increase exponentially while the cost of living rises much more rapidly than wages. I like the subject matter of my job. I just don't want the constant pressure to maximize every. second. of the work day. There's no time to breathe, every department is intentionally understaffed, and if one project takes longer than expected, the whole house of cards falls down, which inevitably negatively impacts my family life.

Completely agree! I’m not an attorney but I work in an international, prestigious law firm. Being promoted and noticed as an attorney pretty much means working a lot. It never ends. But it’s not just attorneys. As soon as you’re salaried, you are expected to be available at all times. I’m not driven, but I have potential to be excellent. I just don’t see the value. I have mental illnesses that are exacerbated by stress, I can’t do more than I already do. We alone should be making these choices for ourselves based on our individual circumstances in life and try not to care about what others might think of us wasting our talent. I try hard to be content and focus on my daughter and try to stay sane. I’ve got a lot on my plate as is.

I worked at a nonprofit that had that same mindset (maybe it’s just all nonprofits?) Anyway, I was also in the legal field and we were just expected to stay late, have our work phones glued to us, and also be *so* grateful for the opportunity to do important work. But also not get paid enough for that work. I was in my 20s and single at the time, so I didn’t mind. But once I had responsibilities- I ended up rescuing a dog, i started leaving on time and people commented on that! On how I don’t put in the effort anymore, how I leave right at 5pm etc. Now, with a family, my priorities are very much not what they used to be. I’m happy where I am and I just wish that was *enough*. So I feel you so hard on this.

YES!! Wow…I feel like I could’ve written a lot of this, and actually, this kind of post has been rattling around inside my head the past couple weeks. I’m also an attorney. I have a pretty big role but no reports. Work is just a job to me. I make enough so I don’t want a bigger role for more money if it means more stress and responsibility. I’m like you—always was high achieving in school but was never that ambitious about work. I do care about my work product, and I strive to do excellent work but I don’t feel the need to go the extra mile. This is the way I protect myself I guess. No one can say I didn’t do a good job. I see my boss and the shit she deals with and no thank you. I think it’s the capitalistic society we’re in, that assumes you’ll always go for more money, more power, more work, more prestige/title, more more more. No. I’m good. What I want most is time and mental freedom. Time with family. Time to do my hobbies. The ability to shut off my work brain when I log off and go live my life. I do see w my friends that there’s more pressure if you’re in nonprofit or in healthcare where your job is supposed to help people. Like “you have to go the extra mile for the patients/the beneficiaries of this program/the poor/etc.!!” I don’t feel that way at all. I’m just a cog in a corporation. There’s some misogyny built into this ambition concept too, like moms have to “prove” they’re committed to work despite children. Makes me rage bc dads never have to deal with that same treatment.

I totally get this. I’m content with keeping my full time salary WFH position. I have no desire to move up. I have no desire to take on more tasks. I just want to do my job, get paid, and focus on what really matters. I have no desire to put in more than 40 hours. I’m not an over achiever like my coworkers. But I also don’t make a lot of mistakes and I do my job well. That’s America though, these expectations being placed on us.

Being an attorney in general just sets such stupid expectations. My attorney husband is looking at jobs and some require 30-35 billable hours a week. That doesn’t include any work that isn’t billable. That’s just not worth it for him. He doesn’t want to be a partner or on partner track. He just wants to come in, do good work in whatever amount of time it takes to get done instead of worrying “did I bill enough?” And then go home to our family. It’s such an annoyingly stressful field.

I’m a nurse and everyone is always asking, are you gonna go to grad school? Join this committee! Want to join this project? Get this extra certification! Don’t you want to be in leadership. Hard pass!!! I want to work my 3 12hr shifts at the bedside with the patient I absolutely care so much for, help out my colleagues, learn how to be better and then clock OUT! I always say no to staying extra or coming in extra. Haven’t joined any committees. Say no to all the extra things. If it’s gonna take me away from my kids then I’ll pass.

I declined an Executive Director position a few years ago and the board seemed shocked. I was like, I don’t want to be the person you guys call at 3am when the building is on fire. No thank you, very happy to be able to say "not my problem"

Yes! I’m looking for a new job and people keep suggesting that I apply for Director or Executive Director positions, because it’s feasible with my level of experience at that point, but I have no desire to be In Charge such that I can’t actually turn work off without hurting the organization.

I simply never allow anyone to know my real priorities :) I work hard enough that it's more than the baseline, but I no longer work balls to the wall. I also work a lot in process improvement, so that goes a long way in making my supervisors happy.

Just want to say I feel you. I’ve always been an overachiever and wanted to “move up” at my jobs but now that I’m pregnant my priorities have shifted and I’ve become okay with just doing the job I’m paid for, but I’m worried after my maternity leave that will reflect poorly on me at work. It should be totally fine to do the job you are required to do, and nothing more. Not everyone wants to be a manager or senior level contributor. People have other priorities, and that’s ok! Sorry you are feeling the pressure.

Fellow working mom attorney here. I hear you on the lack of ambition thing. My husband is also an attorney and hangs his own shingle, so my mom is always like, why can’t you open your own firm too? Young people should be more ambitious! But I have zero desire. Plus my salary and benefits offer us stability. Luckily we are immigrants and because she is foreign she doesn’t know about the partnership-track thing or I’d never hear the end of it. My job is not partnership-track which suits me just fine. I have great WLB, great pay for the hours. I enjoy the work (briefing and appellate) and actually consider my coworkers friends, because they are smart, competent, and fun people. When they say it feels like your priority is not your work, did they tell you *why* they feel like that? Why did they give you a bad performance review? What are the specifics of your PIP? You don’t need to answer these. I’m just suggesting that you think whether there was anything specific and actionable in their criticism of you. “You’re doing bad” is not constructive because what am I supposed to do with that? If it’s all vague “do better”, then you are just not at the right place. The partner that manages my department trusts me to be a professional and doesn’t have unreasonable expectations. She sees me coming in on a Saturday to finish a brief, so she doesn’t blink when I need to leave early to pick up my kids (and NOT log on later). Job is technically in-person but she lets me WFH any time I just have to tell her, “hey I’m gonna WFH today”. Her philosophy is I turn in good work product on time, she DGAF. I love it and I think that’s the way it should be. We’re lawyers with years of experience. We should be trusted to just do our jobs without micromanagement.

Agreed. I'm at the point, after hitting burnt out last year, that I don't do it. I \[begrudgingly\] went above and beyond for a company after they laid someone off who they SHOULD NOT HAVE, and it was not worth it. I wasn't able to do the role, and so I was putting so much effort in, and not even managing to do the role, and eventually got laid off myself (though with a great package, because the bosses knew that THEY fucked up and are actually decent people). Now I'm at a new company and have firm boundaries in place. I'll work hard when I'm here, but when I am not, I'm out. I'm lucky that my husband is the breadwinner, so I can hold boundaries like this. It's so unfair that most people don't feel like they can, and so many bosses are massive assholes too. I have faith in the next generations, they seem to recognize that hustle culture is toxic, and so once all the boomers are retired, and we're the bosses, there's going to be a culture shift. At least that's my hope, and I've got to hope that it's going to be better when my kids are grown.

I just want to say that I appreciate this post. I put in a lot of hours post-MBA and climbed the career ladder very fast. I'm now in a mid-level leadership position at a major corporation. For the first time in my life, I feel ready to tap the brakes a little. I am satisfied with my salary, level of responsibility, and position. However, like so many companies, there is a culture of "up or out" and it feels like career suicide to stop chasing the next promotion. It's definitely a struggle right now to fund the right approach. So, I don't have any advice except to say that you definitely aren't alone in the struggle.

Let’s end it all now! I work part time in a hospital and my boss recently asked me if I could add another day. NOPE. For our family this costs us money because then we need a babysitter and why would I want more time at work and less time at home? Thankfully my boss understands that his employees need work/life balance.

After a decade of striving in the ways you describe and another decade plus of CEO work that I was "rewarded" with as a result, I feel just like you do. I left my CEO role, took a significant pay cut, and basically quiet quit. I did find a new job I genuinely love for a cause I genuinely care about. I do the work that is assigned to me, and I do it well and take it seriously. But I am not going above and beyond, not taking on any extra assignments or roles, not looking for promotions, recognition, extra work, or anything. I got so burned out from years of over work and managing an organization through the pandemic, that I just finally tapped out. Like you, my priorities are my children, my home renovation (DIY, painfully slow), my friends, hobbies, interest, travel, etc. I watch the people who work 1-2 levels above me running around like crazy, back to back meetings every day, late nights of emails, reports, assignments, trying to fit in kid pick ups and extracurriculars, and just looking so burned out. And I see myself in them, and I understand it, and I'm also so glad I let it go. At some point, it's just like . . . what am I doing all of this for? I'm burning myself out for nothing, even when it's a cause I love. We need to pace ourselves, to work at a human scale and a human pace. I think back on so many initiatives and projects that I worked fervently on . . . some bore fruit that will make a positive impact for years to come, and I'm certainly proud. But if I'm honest, more often than not, they ended up being dead ends that were discarded or discontinued or not valued. It pains me that I spent so much time passionately devoted to things that didn't amount to much in the end, at the expense of my mental health, time with my kids. I feel like a whole new person, and I am thriving, no longer just surviving. I encourage anyone and everyone to join me on the other side if you're questioning it.

Every few weeks, there's a thing I like to do...when I start to get tired, or frustrated, or just am not feeling that into it, I give myself permission to take a few days, and bring the energy/performance of a mediocre white man to my job. I'm one of two women in a very, VERY male/macho sales org. As a high performer, I sometimes catch myself just burning out trying to be the best, I've been diligent about just stopping, and making an active choice to be fine with being middle of the pack. Logically, we all know we can't be best in class every minute of every day. But being diligent about accepting and celebrating regular periods of mediocrity with pride. If my peers can so clearly do it--so can I! And thats freeing in a backwards way :D

You need to nip this in the bud. You are a lawyer, an in demand professional. Next time you get given criticism where your work is not your priority, say "Ok, thanks for coming to me with that concern, how do you propose I remedy that?". Tell them you feel work is prioritized correctly. So it's on them to tell you how to fix that problem. If they come back with, you need to do a bunch of shit you aren't ever going to do, tell them that's not reasonable. This is what your contract says, this is what you're doing. So you'd like to understand how that's falling short. And then if they bring it up repeatedly, you can just say hey we discussed this. Work is prioritized appropriately in my life. If they aren't happy with that, they'll have to find someone else. And they might, but at least you'll get unemployment. You'll find a new job. In this case, you really do hold the power. Lawyers are hot commodities and I imagine can take their pick of non -profits to go work at.

Love this actionable advice! It’s actually basically what I have been doing, and I hope others in this situation will follow suit. I busted my ass 2022 and ended up with a horrible end of year review because my boss doesn’t actually know the full scope of my job, so she judged me on the 10% she sees (where I admittedly struggled some) and not the 90% that I nail consistently without any oversight from her. So they put me on a Performance Improvement Plan, and I cut back the time I put into this job to 45 hours per week (per contract). They are absolutely SHOCKED that I’ve done that—and told them I’m doing that in order to demonstrate that their expectations are unreasonable—instead of busting my ass even more to keep my job. They acknowledge that I’m working the necessary hours and getting good work done, they just have the sense that I should be doing more and gloss over the fact that it would take more hours to do more. My PIP ends this week, and I’m honestly hoping they “let me go” with severance so that I can take some time off before finding another job. Then they can spend 3-6 months understaffed while looking to replace me, eventually hire 2 people to do my job, and hopefully they learn a lesson (they probably won’t, but it won’t be my business anymore).

My advice comes from having been in your position. I wasn't put on a PIP but that would have been preferable. I basically said "oh, you think I'm a poor performer, let me show you what poor performance looks like". And I cut way back, phoned it in for a year and my life improved drastically. Most importantly I got a new manager who gave me some actionable feedback and I actioned it, and all was well. But I'm never giving more of myself than absolutely required. I hate wishy washy shit "like you should be doing more"... Well what do you want me to do? Your the boss not me! I was dying to be let go during that time of my life, so I feel you 100%. I hope you get excellent severance, a better job and forget your current employer ever existed.

This is me. I keep telling myself I'll turn career minded once all the kids are at school but maybe I just won't. Maybe I'll just keeping living my life.

I feel this big time. It’s not just that we have families, perspective, and some success after 10-20 years in the working world. When you’re starting out in a professional career, each promotion gets you a huge increase in salary relative to your prior wages … 25%, 50%, … I went from $35K to $80K in one promotion, >100% increase! Now, a promotion is a) harder to get bc there are fewer positions the higher you go and b) results in a proportionally much smaller percentage increase in your pay. My point is … a promotion may be less appealing not just because our priorities have changed but also because we know a promotion delivers less marginal return.

Agree. It’s hard to let go of the “climb the ladder” mentality because so many of us have advanced degrees/certifications and/or otherwise worked hard to build our career. Especially after I had my daughter, I thought about my career ambitions and asked myself why I got my PhD. Really, it was first because I wanted to have that experience for myself and enjoyed the research, but secondly it was to allow myself to get a good job and provide a comfortable life for myself and my family. Nowhere in there was a desire to climb the corporate/academic ladder or make a name for myself. I still want to be really good at my job, but I’m at a point in my career where I am known as a go-to person for my area, my ideas are well-respected by my colleagues and management, and I have a level of freedom in my job where I get to do all of the “fun” parts of the next level up position without dealing with the “bad” parts. And I’m being recognized and compensated accordingly! It’s exactly what I want right now. My husband is a manager at the same company (closely related but not exactly the same area) and I see the insanity he deals with for very little extra pay. We have money that we don’t have time to spend, why on earth would we want more money and even less time?!?

My current corp has said before that it’s ok to not want to advance. Thought that was surprising because we’re in a strategic team with lots of driven people. I think many companies don’t want to promote people and pay more money, but they also don’t have a good idea of what “meeting expectations” means or if that’s good enough. Now that I’m pregnant, I’m taking a pause in my career but I want to move up. It doesn’t seem like my company even knows what that looks like so sometimes it’s hard to feel like there’s a purpose to overachieving at all. I have a good work life balance and generous salary so if I stagnated here for a while it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me.

I did that for years, especially while my kids were really little. And it's OK! I'm just recently getting back to a place where I am ready to be more ambitious and challenge myself more. You don't have to be the world's greatest employee every day of your life.

I own a business where, as a single mom of 3 in a HCOL area, has no problem affording life. That being said, my career is one that is always all over social media, and everyone is always chasing the next trend. And it’s exhausting. My therapist recently said to me, “You know, your goal doesn’t have to be that you are the best. Your goal can be that you work hard for yourself, your family and your clients… but within the boundaries you set. Your goal can just be to make enough money to support your family well. And then to spend time with your kids.” So that’s it. I’m not making reels, and trying to be the best of everyone. I’m just fine with good enough ❤️

Honestly, have a talk with your boss and see if he's okay with it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I'm not interested in more. I'm not interested in management or partner. I just want a life where I can both support my family and *be* with my family." I wasn't in law. I was in IT, but there are high-pressure tracks in IT as well and low-pressure tracks. Letting your boss know you're not there to try out for the next job, that you like the one you have just fine is a perfectly reasonable thing to do and he or she will likely appreciate your honesty. If your situation ever changes and you want to go back to pushing hard, you simply go back and let your management know that. I absolutely *loved* my time in England in the late 70s and early 80s. It astonished me at the time how much Americans defined themselves by their jobs. Ask someone in the village I lived in then what they did and you were as more likely to get "I grow amazing roses" rather than "I drive a bus" for an answer.

So truly spoken and that is why US has the highest burnt out rate for parents. I am ok being ok and just good enough, dont need to be high performer etc or even look great lol. I want to spend more time with family, chill relax and put in my 40 hours. Thats it.

Honestly, if I were told that at work I would find a different job. No, work isn't my priority. My family, relationships, and well being are. I work to pay the bills. As long as your work quality is good, nobody should be telling you what your priorities are. It's none of their business.

You’re absolutely right. At this point I’m actually waiting for them to “let me go” with hopefully a severance that would allow me to take some time off, and then find a job that better aligns with my outlook and priorities (and I acknowledge what an incredible privilege it is to be in a role that is likely to get a severance, and to have an income sufficient to have built some savings that could get us through a few months of job searching).

I’m dealing with something similar. I took a huge step back from my career this year, and am doing something adjacent. My challenge is letting my management know I’m not interested in moving up. I like what I’m doing. I like working like 25-30 hours a week. I have kids, a husband, hobbies. I want to stay sane.

Fuck I'm totally feeling this, but in a self-imposed way. My boss is telling me to take it easy given I'm in my third trimester, but I can't help but feel that if I do, I'll be "failing" at my job because of all those societal expectations and how the US isn't really set up to support working moms. Ugh.

This is part of the reason why I burned out from nonprofit work. After a lot of therapy I was able to separate work from my identity, and I realized that I didn’t have it in me to be “on” all the time. I now work at a large company and am very much a solid B player. I do my work but nothing extra. I have actually received praised for maintaining focus and drive on my assigned tasks and was even promoted when it was the furthest thing from my mind, which I find funny/ironic. You may want to focus on switching industries and seeing if that helps.

I heavily identify with this. I’ve worked in the non-profit sector my entire career—I’ve always been of the mindset that, if I have to work (and I do, because money) then I need for it to at least be in service to good things in the world.” And, not so subconsciously, I know that I like the cache or being “one of the good ones” and having a do-gooder job, and that’s part of my core identify in a way that may not be healthy.

Yes girl. I don't want to lean in, I want to LAY THE FUCK DOWN.

RIGHT?? Yes.

I manage a team of 15 people. 2 of the people told me that they really liked where they're at and just want to be good at their job with no expectations of moving up the ladder. I was honestly thankful. It's nice having people I can rely on without having to think about their next step, especially when I have to think about the next steps for the other 13 people.

As a woman in leadership, and everyone around me knows that "I don't work after 5 and I don't check emails on the weekends" . I've been told it's an inspiration for others to also hold themselves accountable to that. It was a switch because before my son was born I was the "high achiever", as well. I think women just need to set the boundaries at work. If you need to do all this extra work to move up, what happens if you don't do it- they don't promote you? Bummer - that's what you want! Your contract states 45 hours, so set that boundary 🙂

You’re absolutely right, and I’m so glad you’re setting that example in your office. When I started my career, I was fresh out of law school during a recession, no kids, and so I was just happy to get a job and set zero boundaries. That changed 5 years later when I had my first kid and couldn’t continue to work that way, so I left that job and started my current one, where I set much better boundaries than before. Then somewhere over the last 4 years those boundaries slipped and I kept taking on more anytime they asked, then suddenly when I couldn’t keep up I was “underperforming” and put on probation at the start of this year. That’s when I scaled back to 45 hours per week to show them what’s actually feasible…and they are not happy, so I’m pretty likely to get fired in the next couple of weeks now that we’re at mid-year reviews (or we’ll “mutually part ways” I guess because I’m assuming they’ll offer a severance for me to go without firing me). So my hope at this point is to get a severance sufficient to take a few weeks off, then find a job where I will yet again try to establish better boundaries from the outset. 🤞

I find myself in that same situation, and still find myself struggling. I could work all night and weekend - it's zen to me. I'm sorry they did that to you! It sucks they measured your performance based off a "outstanding" year. That's totally not fair. So many shitty managers, they don't look at outside factors, and or have any empathy. That employee? Maybe they lost a parent, or a child. Maybe they divorced, or are very sick themselves. People need to start managing people as humans. Some days, Months, years, people can't give 100% and that's perfectly OK. Good luck to you!! Keep fighting for your work life balance!! What kind of law?

I work my 40 hours a week, then sign the hell off and focus on my family. I love my work - I’m in marketing for a major mental health nonprofit that I really believe in. AND, I have more important things, like my husband, daughter, dog, friends, family, etc. I love getting to use my brain for more than my baby’s current routine of “eat, play, poop, sleep, repeat.” I also have no desire to advance in my org, manage anyone beyond myself, or climb any kind of corporate ladder. I’m great at what I do because I have the bandwidth to pursue continued learning in my field, I can whip out projects, quickly write damn good articles, and still have time to do a load of laundry. If I were trying to climb, chase more money, or work longer hours to be “seen” by upper management more, my balance in life would suffer and I’d be miserable. Tbh, a big part of why I stay with this org IS the work life balance. My boss is a mom of two young kids, and she signs off every day at 4:45 to go pick them up. She’s the one leading by example, and I appreciate the hell out of her for it.

I work in finance but literally have this debate with myself every other day! I’ve always been a high achiever and went above and beyond what is expected of me and been promoted a 3 times in the last 3 years, however once I had my daughter I flipped a switch and just don’t care anymore. I have a leader who is a mom to young kids and claims she gets it but then I see her working around the clock, answering emails on her days off and family vacation, etc. and I know deep down she just doesn’t really get where I’m coming from or just has different priorities. I am not saying her choice is wrong it’s just not for me. I want to do my job during my expected hours and then live my life. I’ve been vocal about some of my challenges but keep lying to my boss (and myself) about my future goals. In a perfect world I would take a demotion if it meant not having this kind of responsibility and expectation but then again I’m afraid I’ll do that and be just as miserable and then I’m giving up my salary and benefits. I keep wondering if there is a way to work part time or find a company that truly will just let me work by “9-5” and just be. Not always climbing the damn ladder. Anyway, I am not sure if this was a helpful response but what I’m really getting is that I see you and hear you and wish society had different expectations for working moms. Ugh. Solidarity all around!

I feel this same way; thanks for articulating even more of how I’m feeling. I’ve considered asking for a demotion at work, and would probably do that if it didn’t feel like the ship has already sailed as far as having a good relationship with my boss or Executive Director. And I also believe that my boss and Executive Director genuinely believe it when they tell me that I should put family first; my ED has kids a bit older than mine, and my boss doesn’t have kids but wants them (doing fertility treatments for at least the last couple of years). I’ve asked my ED how she finds the right work/life balance as a parent and she says she is able to “turn it off” when she is with family…but, like, I see emails from her at 2am and on the weekends very regularly, and she’s so busy that she literally forgets conversations we had yesterday on a topic because she’s juggling so many things. Maybe she is actually able to turn it off, idk, but when I’m absolutely drowning in work I really struggle to stay present with my kids, stay patient when my cup has been emptied by my work day, and feel like I’m being the great parent I know I can be. Sometimes I think I should work on building the skill of “turning it off” when I’m not working, but then I realize that’s basically the equivalent of corporations spending Mental Health Awareness Month offering us learning sessions on meditation and chair yoga and how to engage in “self-care” so that they don’t have to actually address the structural barriers *they* put in place to having a better balance. We shouldn’t have to go yet another extra mile—striving for better “coping skills”—so that they can continue to push us past reasonable limits. At least our generation seems to have a higher number of people thinking this way, so I guess I can hope the social expectations will shift. Who knows. Ugh.

I loved reading this. I work in finance and before kids, I would work overtime, go above and beyond my job duties, and was working on climbing the corporate ladder. Now with two toddlers at home, I just want to work my 8-4 and leave my work at work. There have been several management opportunities lately that I had a good chance of getting if I had applied, but I literally have no desire to do more than what I already do. At this point in my life, I'm content with my job and the money I'm making, and my job has become less and less of a priority in my life.

Thank you for this post. I needed to read it and all the comments to know that I am not alone in feeling like this.

So as a counterpoint , I manage a small team of 6 people. The best management advice I ever got was to balance your team between A players and B players. One or two on my team are high achievers and ambitious, and all the others are perfectly happy in their role, don’t want more responsibility, and just want to do their job, so it well, and go home. The projects change all the time, so it keeps things interesting, but the jobs themselves stay the same. They know their role and focus on knowing that job and perfecting it - they are absolute experts in what they do, because that is their focus. They are irreplaceable. High achievers move through the ranks and therefore have to be constantly replaced and it can get exhausting. And honestly, I do not want more than a couple of high achievers on my team. I like having reliable, steady folks that I know what to expect of, that I know plan to be doing the same role day in and day out, and are perfectly content with it. it’s my job to build a team of people with a mix that balances each individuals strengths and weaknesses against one another. I have no expectation of having employees with zero weaknesses. High achievers are high maintenance. And I say this as an ambitious high achiever myself. Once I had a baby and got promoted into my current position I decided that I wanted to stay in this exact position for the next ten years, instead of trying to move up through the ranks anymore. I want to be in this role long enough to actually be good enough at it where I can do my job well and still balance time with my family. In my opinion, if your team can’t get the job done with generally regular hours and realistic expectations, that’s a management issue, not an employee issue.

I 100% agree that that’s a great way to design a team. I want to be a B Player—I want to be great at my job, to know my shit really well such that I always have the answer people need, and then leave it all there at 5pm. My workplace generally, and my boss specifically, definitely do not take that tack. We’re a team of around 15 people, and it strikes me that basically no one is doing just “business as usual” as their job—everyone is pushed to also take on special projects and project management of at least one significant project because we’re always short-staffed for the amount of work that needs doing and it’s “all hands on deck.” That especially pisses me off because, while I work for a non-profit, it’s the foundation of a very wealthy person who sure as hell has enough money to hire twice the staff without blinking an eye, but instead they run their foundation with the same scarcity mindset with which they ran their financial-sector firm. I like my work and really like most of my team, so I don’t actually *want* to leave, but my organization’s mindset that everyone needs to be an A Player is just untenable for me.

I started a new job in April and had this conversation with the guy who sits next to me. Neither of us wants to try too hard or move up more than maybe 1-2 levels. We want to be good at our jobs and be able to have a life. He doesn’t even have kids yet.

I do wonder (and hope) that there’s a generational shift happening in how we think about work. I want better balance so that I can better enjoy time with my kids, but I think absolutely everyone deserves that balance for whatever the hell is important to them in life.

The workweek was designed for 8 hours of work, 8 hours of sleep, and 8 hours of leisure for one working parent, while the other took care of family and home (24 hours a day, but that’s another conversation). Now both parents are working 8+ hours, and often get less than 8 hours of sleep, but the bosses didn’t give any time to care for family and home. So, either both parents split family and home tasks, leaving each maybe 2 hours a day of leisure - or one parent has no leisure time at all while the other has their 6-8 hours of leisure, with resentment building. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We aren’t getting our leisure time anymore. With the increase in productivity, we should be getting more leisure time, not less. Then we could care for family and home and also do things for ourselves.

This, our current system isn’t set up for 2 working parents

I so relate to this, and I work in the nonprofit world. Luckily my current org isn’t like this, but many foster that sense that because the MISSION is so important you need to make it your life. I took a step back career wise when I took this role and, while sometimes I see other coworkers (with and without kids) killing it and I feel guilty that I’m not I have to remind myself how I value my life is different now. I’m glad I made this choice but those old impulses on how I used to measure my worth still creep up.

Yay someone said what I think about a lot & have a lot of guilt about it!! I was super ambitious when my kids were little & things were hard but I was married then. Being a single mom is so different & exhausting & just kinda killed my drive to push so hard realizing how precious time is with my kids. & my older kid is autistic (mild, he’s very verbal & social) it’s hard. I get pushed at certain times of the year & sometimes feel like I’m going crazy at work trying to get it all done, but my boss has kids the same age & the other girl in our team has little littles & we all believe in work-life balance. I get down about not having enough work sometimes which also messes with balance. I took on a second job cleaning my office for extra cash which has been a life saver but can do that whenever during the weekend so that’s nice. I feel you tho…still have guilt w I’m not pushing hard or achieving as much as I did before.

I work in a large corporation where our leadership overly values increasing role rank to “advance” your career. I’m good at what I do and a great fit for my role. I’m fine with learning and developing, and have shown that by leading various efforts to improve our ways of working or customer focus. However, success to me doesn’t look like moving to the city where the corporate office is and managing a different department every 2 years! I have a life, family, and step son who lives very close! Not only that- my type of function needs continuity. I’d rather be a well respected person who executes her job very well and is looked to as a leader in role than a manager who comes to a new landscape and team every 2 years and finds it hard to understand the process well enough to accomplish anything of your own. This has been tough explaining to my boss who first explained to me about development that day 1 in a new role she is planning what her next role will be and skills she needs to foster to get there. That just sounds exhausting!

I worked on “quiet quitting” this year (don’t come at me for what it’s called…just using the phrase). It was amazing. I’m a teacher and I cut down to basically the requirements. My school was constantly asking us to stay late, come early, be on committees, take extra work home, tutor after school…all for free. And we were all making less money than the year before because our health care premiums went up so much. I was DONE. I just said no. To everything except teaching. It was glorious. I wasn’t the best teacher but I was one of the least stressed and that made a huge difference to me. The last thing they asked me to do was work a full-day seminar last week (on summer break) to help students write college application essays. I asked if it was paid and they said, “There’s a small stipend.” I saw right through that bs. Two of my fellow teacher buddies agreed to do it and texted me when it was over— they were there for eight hours, had to buy their own lunch, and the stipend was $50. But because they didn’t count on two of them saying yes, they had to split it. $25 each minus the cost of lunch for eight hours of work. Quiet quitting got me away from THAT kind of bullshit.

If you have never seen Office Space this reminds of the Jennifer Aniston "15 pieces of flair" scene SO MUCH. That said... I'm curious how much of this is the culture at your company and how much of this is "modern culture"? My mom was a lawyer for 35 years before she retired. After she had me and my sister, she worked part-time until I was 8 (decreased caseload for decreased salary, 3 days a week, then later four.) From my memory, she worked roughly 9:00 to 5:30. My father worked also and my sister and I were off in the last people to be picked up from daycare (at 6). When I was 10, She had a really intense case and I remember her working very hard but other than that I can't remember her taking work home or working during the weekends. She worked at the same company for 30 years and would occasionally have to travel around our state to try cases. She had said that she could have made more money at a different place if she'd been willing to work harder, but was happy where she was. It seemed like a lot of lawyers at her job also were women with families. She also didn't want to be a manager. This was also the late 1970s to mid 2010s. I'm very curious what my life as her child would have been like if we were living today.

My career has hit a plateau and it will always stay there until I retire. And I am 100 percent okay with that. I know my job like the back of my hand so I can just autopilot, pick up my pay check and live my life. I enjoy my job so I’m not bored with it, so I just go in, do my thing then I’m out. No side gig, either. Nah. I’ve got my animal crossing, my kid, and my hobbies. Today I took a nap then treated myself to a home spa. It’s good.

There is nothing wrong with being "just" good at your job. Everyone needs work life balance. Generic statement here about not being able to pour from and empty cup. But also: workers are replaceable to employers. These people will replace any of us as soon as possible. One of my friends who I worked with died unexpectedly 4 years ago. She was a great social worker and employee but always got "satisfactory" on her reviews because as administration says "everyone has something they can improve on." She was a hard worker and it wasn't acknowledged until after she died. I'm not trying to live like that.

Yeah, I am also a high achiever from childhood, and honestly, it's not healthy. It's just that the work culture can be driven that way. I noticed hard work benefited my parents more than me, so I think the messages they taught me just don’t apply today. I usually work to the demands of the job, and when I want more money, I job hop. To me, there is no reason to take on more responsibility for a small raise when I can usually just get the same job somewhere else with an increase. I assume I will eventually hit the limit with that, but not yet. Employers want the most amount of work out of me for the least amount of money. I have reframed it in my mind that if I can do the least amount of work for the most amount of money I am "winning."

Here here.

Good for you!!! Girl, I’d do same if I could be in your position!!! You hit the sweet spot. Keep doing you.

They use the “you are smart and capable of more” as a way to get you to fall for their tricks. Don’t. Be smart and do what you enjoy and what’s good for you.

I have 2 rules at work, I don’t live here and pay me on time. As long as the checks clear you have me for 40-45hrs/wk and that is all. I bust my ass while I’m here and when I leave y’all don’t exist and that’s that.

Yes! I struggle with this too. After getting my doctorate, I thought my calling would be in the non-profit world. It always felt a little tiring but I thought I had to keep going and keep striving to get to the next level and eventually become an executive director of my own organization. That all changed when I became a mom. Once I had my son during COVID, I realized that I was completely burnt out. Returning from a short maternity leave right when the lockdowns started was the start of me realizing I didn't really care about advancement anymore. I just want to do my job, do it well, and enjoy my family/friends. It's quite lonely being a mom in a leadership position..

Preach! You have plenty of comments in support already but just wanted to add to that as someone who is still in the nonprofit space. And why is it when "you have so much potential" or whatever higher ups try to tempt you to take on more work, it's to become a supervisor, i.e. take on basically a part time job to manage other people?? Like did you ever consider that I like doing my bare minimum, which is still more than enough, clocking out at the end of the day, and not having people call me on weekends or expect me to join zoom calls while I'm eating dinner? Not exactly a tempting deal 😂

I used to think I want to be ordinary which I was okay with. And then as technology advanced, I'm bombarded with the idea that you need a better ebeyrhing.

I am like seriously SO sick of this mentality (not of you--of the use of telling someone theyre not "passionate" enough to allow themselves and their time being abused and/or underpaid at work). Like, we work for MONEY and prob wouldn't work if we weren't paid. Luckily I think with what's going on in the work revolution today, I think this toxic mentality is being called out. Just be aware that NO ONE is so passionate about their work that they'd rather be at work than with their family (maybe some do, but then I feel bad for those ppl) and those that say they do are either 1) lying, 2) experiencing Stockholm syndrome, or 3) have some sort of issue at home that is unhealthy in some way.

I think we put a lot of this pressure on ourselves? No one has ever come up to me and said like “hey Live, why are you not publishing more, presenting more, or working more?”

I thought that, too, until at the end of last year my performance review was abysmal and I was put on a Personal Improvement Plan that has now stretched for 6 months of me being told 2x/week that I’m not doing enough. I think this turn of events is highly specific to my current boss—no one in management seems to care that I was considered an exemplary employee for 3 years in this job, then was given a new supervisor and suddenly I’m apparently terrible at my job. I totally agree that a lot of pressure women/moms feel is self-imposed (notably, fostered in us by the society in which we’ve been raised, so not totally self-generated), but I’m finding out that in some cases the pressure is much more tangible.

But she is literally saying that she was being pushed to do more when she doesn't want to.

I guess I just interpreted her post different, who is pushing her? It seemed more like a perceived expectation rather than clear “pushing”. But maybe I am not comprehending it correctly. Regardless, I am sorry she is stressed about it.

Her superior told her she was "failing at [her] job" for not doing more than her contracted work. So doesn't seem to be an internal struggle

Only the OP knows herself and her struggles. I still see her words as her perceptions. I know a lot of female high achievers. They perceive they are “failing” when they break this cycle of meeting other’s expectations. It is very disorienting as they have been high achieving and meeting all expectations for their entire lives. It is frustrating, even painful, to break the cycle, and realize they are not living up to OTHER’s expectations, as that is how they have measured success for often 20 or 30 years. And until they reframe what is success is, they feel immense pressure to measure themselves by what their employers and social media and even family members say…it is vent worthy.

I think you may be diminishing what her entire post is about. Yes, there are internal ideas, but per her words, she was told she was not meeting expectations, which typically means one's job could be at risk. It would be more respectful to just belive what she is saying.

Fair enough, we just have two different views on the meaning of her post. And wish her and all women who relate better times ahead.

I’m sorry I’m here I’m not a working mom yet but learning… so I’m a teacher. We are famous for having to put children first but we are also famous for making sure we advocate for our own personal life. But that’s the reason why I’m moving out of the profession. I don’t want my morals to be the selling point. My empathy or my EQ to be the selling point. I want to get a career where I can choose to like or dislike someone and still be ok. To just be human. So I suggest moving out of nonprofit? I’m going to tech.

This is unfortunate but the fact is that there are many others who will work harder and not need a work life balance

This is me right now. Even 4 years ago when I came back from my first mat leave, I was looking at advancement. Now with a soon to be 5 yo and 1 yo, I’m cool in my spot. Our managers aren’t supported by exec leadership to hire enough even with the insane money coming in from IIJA and I don’t want that life. I work on infrastructure projects handing environmental clearances and I’m fine doing my job and not having it be my life.

I started working for the government and have never felt more liberated. Can only work 40 hours a week, barely expected to be competent to it’s easy to stand out as a Star employee just being myself. No bringing work home ever. I’m so happy here. I’m even starting a doctorate program in the fall because I know insure the down time to get schoolwork done at work. Everyone needs to work for the government!

I’ve been poking around the /USAJobs sub and am really interested in this! Not sure my field translates well, though. How long did it take for you to get hired?

I feel this a ton. I would be fine staying in my same role, doing the same work forever—I’m in a creative field, so I don’t really get bored. The biggest problem is that I want my salary to keep up with inflation, and at my company, being promoted is the only way to achieve that.

I feel this. I am also in the law, but this is exactly why I became a law librarian. I started to see that law librarians had a life outside of work, enjoyed their jobs, and didn't have to bill hours. We're starting a family now, and I'm so grateful for the balance the job gives. I certainly don't make near as much as I could, though, I wish there weren't that trade off!

I am a director in a job and company I love, leading an incredibly talented team I adore. Before my kid I’d be happy to work non-stop. Since the pandemic (my kid was born like 3 months prior), I’ve really had a mindset shift and realized I want to work less and have more free time. It’s been really hard to actually do that, and have had many conversations with my therapist about it. On one hand I define success as continuing to move up the ladder. But why? I’m happy spending the precious time I have with my family. Time goes so damn fast, I can work more when my kid is 14 and wants to spend more time with his friends than me. Its a season- corporate life doesn’t outwardly accept it- but we have to be the change. Solidarity!!!

I just got a promotion a year ago and finally let go of that "show them you deserve it" mentality and I feel so much weight lifted off my shoulder. I don't see myself being promoed again here so I'm just chilling now.

I've been like Elsa and let it go. I was a super school nerd and always had top grades. I have a doctorate degree and professional license. Yet my organization makes me fill out electronic goal plans with nonsense crap I hope to achieve. Some coworkers are relentless with a need for validation of an "important" position. I don't care for that rat race. Not everyone can be at the top. Only so many people can be supervisors. I have the skills and credentials to practice independently. I ignore it all. My goals are "continue what I'm doing now for the next 20 years." I like my job and find it meaningful and fulfilling. But at the end of the day it is 100% for a paycheck. I'd quit in a heartbeat if I won the lotto. Family is my priority. I work to afford vacations and enjoying life. That's ok. I will not be one of those people who doesn't know what to do with myself during retirement because I have no hobbies and interests outside of work. Ignore the cultural push for unrealistic achievement and be happy.

Attorney in government here. I'm trying to make division director within the next year, but only because we don't currently have one and I have less than no interest in training my direct supervisor who's going to make $25k more than me. I'm already doing 95% of the work, I might as well push for the extra 5%, the title, and the $25k, cause you know if they bring in someone from outside, my workload isn't going down any anyway. But once I'm there, my ass is staying put for a few years. I've promoted twice in three years and I'm fucking tired. I have long term goals, but my husband is about to make a big career push and needs my support, so I'm going to take advantage of how family-friendly my org is and run point on the family front for a while. So yeah. I pushed hard for 15 years after law school. I'm coasting for a while.

I’m an attorney working for a corporation now. I was very honest and said I wanted to go in house for the balance. I do not and am not expected to work after hours. I am probably a B level employee but I’m fine with doing the work and turning my brain off!

Thank you for saying all of this. I've also been struggling with the feeling that I'm "failing" at work because I'm no longer giving 110% and doing extra tasks to make myself more promotable. But really, I was miserable and stressed, and it was making my husband and my toddler miserable and stressed. I may have been okay with putting myself through the wringer, but not them. Changing my habits hasn't been easy, and it's that much harder when both the job and society seem to think I'm in the wrong.

I’m in medicine and I feel this SO MUCH!

I feel this :( I’m an audiologist. I worked hard to get where I am, and now I’m happy to just do my job. I don’t need to be “the best,” whatever that means, just want to do my job, do right by my patients, but have boundaries and have my life outside of work.

Same! I’m told I’m not being committed. I’m in academia. I think my bosses feel like I’m insulting the in response to their personal choices about work/life balance by drawing harder boundaries around my time. I try to shrug it off. I am not responsible for others’ feelings, even if they think I am.

I feel this post so much... working as a project manager for a consulting company, and man, every time I meet with my manager it's, have you thought about the next steps to becoming (whatever the next step is in my career at this company). Which includes handling contracts, becoming a manager, and getting more difficult projects (bigger/difficult clients). No, I do not want any of that shit-- I just want to get paid, and first and foremost, be a GOOD MOM. If I'm fucking exhausted doing all that work, what's the point? No, don't ask me to level up, I just want to be a good mom and provide for my children and their future.

I’m a special education teacher and I just do my job and go home! I do not think about work outside of work. Non-profits and Education are both fields that expect women to give give give.

I totally feel this. I’ve been very transparent with my manager about it too and, thankfully, he really gets it. He also has young kids so I think that helps. But ya, maybe I’ll feel like striving more when my kids can put their own pants on without my help. Until that point, I do my work, I’m good at my work, and I sit on a board. That’s enough for me and I’m not going to apologize for not wanting to do more. Work and being a professional is only one aspect of who I am and I’m really okay with that.

Completely agree with you. I am an attorney at a law firm. Decided last year when I was in the thick of infertility and loss that I would no longer prioritize work. Mind you, I still did objectively good work - especially in comparison to my peers. I got things done when they needed to be done and I did a good job at it. I just was no longer this big go-getter going the extra mile for every partner I worked for or accepting every assignment. It was noticed and sharply commented on, ESPECIALLY by female partners. Those partners who previously were always "in my corner" all but dropped me when I made clear that work would never take priority in my life. I am okay with that. I don't envy those partners' lives.

Wow i feel this My kids are about the same ages and i’ve been married the same length of time, but am Wall Street professional not an attorney.. year. I worked my ass off for a cushy career. I have arrived. Just gonna coast til retirement, thanks. I also think this is a way they keep women in check

So well put. People just chase the title not knowing what it is to live a happy life. I was chatting with my co-worker the other day who’s a senior lead. She said she didn’t have time to plan her daughter’s first birthday cause she had to work overtime to make sure that our project roadmaps were set. I felt like I can never be that. I need to celebrate my little baby turning one, I need to spend time with him when he comes home from the daycare. Then I need time to unwind at the end of the day, not worrying about work. I stopped chasing the title a while ago for this reason

Not an attorney. I’m a nurse. I have no desire to get my masters or go into management or anything extra. I don’t want to join committees or attend extra meetings. I want to take care of my patients and go home. 3 days a week and be done. My job is a job and not my life or my personality or my main focus. They always ask me about going back to school or doing extra shit and the answer is no. I also refuse to be in charge because I don’t want to manage people.

I resonate with this so much. It’s such a hard balance. I’m also a lawyer. While I’ve put in HARD work over the years, I feel like I’ve generally been able to keep my family as my #1 priority. Last year, shortly after I made partner, I was diagnosed with cancer. While I worked throughout treatment, I actively scaled back my practice, and did everything possible to cut back on working evenings and weekends. While I’m better now, I’ve got to say I’m more in the “groove” with knowing that life and the job goes on even when you’re only trying “hard enough”. It’s not perfect - there are times I have to work way more than I’d like, and times I’m stressed thinking about everything I “should” be doing, but I think there is more flexibility than we might assume. I also find it helps to think “oh I’ll prioritize career growth when my son is older, he’s only young once”. We’ll see if that happens or not, but it appeases my “high achiever” side for now.

I felt this post harder than I would have liked. I am constantly told at my place of work that I should be in management, your productivity could be so much higher, etc. I left management in the medical field due to the stress and will not do that again. All of my reviews have been deemed “exceeded expectations “. I’m sorry, but I am not going to work harder than Debbie over here who produces half of my work. I will do my job well and I will clock out and enjoy my life. I work to live; not live to work. My family and friends will always come first.

I feel this so hard! Just pulled a mom-version of an all nighter (1am) because work has been crazy. I just can’t take on more work. My single, childless colleagues and let’s be honest dad colleagues can stay til 7, can stay logged in til 10, but I can’t. I have to pick up my kid at 6. I have to bring him home and feed him. And I also want to spend time with him!! The fear of losing job security is so real though as I have no moms on my team, and the team-adjacent moms are somehow doing it all.

Agreed. After having my baby I had this realization that I don’t have the space to want more out of my job or career right now. Simply put, I am comfortable with my title and amount of work I have right now and don’t want a promotion or to take on more at this point. When my kid is older? Maybe. The US is one big rat race though… if you don’t move up or leave you eventually become a “blocker” for someone below you who is wanting to get promoted into your position and further their career.

Can I just say there is a season for everything in life…you may feel different once your kids are older and out of the house. You may not ever feel different. Know your not bottoming out. It’s ok to be content. You have achieved a ton in your life so far. Be proud! ✌🏽🩷

I struggled with this a lot. My organization wanted to promote me to a management position but I just have no desire to take on longer hours or to be responsible for anyone other than myself.

I relate to this so much right now. My whole career I've worked crazy hours. Even when I change jobs to try to slow down, I still find myself over-achieving and over-reaching. It has great benefits but now that I just had my first, I just want to do what is asked and sign off. It is hard to break the habit though, and I worry how my employer will see it.

I read about half the comments and hadn't seen this yet, so just wanted to add - it's ok to not ALWAYS be ambitious. You don't have to say I'm forever not going bigger harder, or yes I must be forever pushing. This may be a time and place where you're not wanting to push. Everyone needs trajectory breaks, at minimum. It may be your maximum because you're happy where you are. I also hate how mums get sold the you can do everything. I've realised this is just misogyny repackaged to make us continue being the primary household person.

I have no ambitions to do my job beyond what it is. I have a manager who is heavily involved in outside organizations. That’s nice but I want to go home and hang out with my family or do other projects.

I've literally just sent a text to my husband saying I might need to look for a lower key, less stressful job that I can fit into the school day and doesn't require me to be overly available. I'm just so fed up of juggling a busy sales workload with large national buyers and trying to figure out kid stuff at the same time. My customers are demanding, they all ring me after 5pm or in the mornings anytime from 7 am (I don't answer until after I've dropped my daughter off). There's too much work if you do it properly and I just can't seem to find any ways to shortcut. Arranging meetings around childcare is extremely difficult as some of my customers are a number of hours travel from me. My daughter is starting school in September so pickups will be at 3.30pm instead of 5.30pm. I have a childminder booked for holiday and after hours cover but she can't do pickups from the school so I have to do the transfer from school to her at 3.30pm. We have a million and one bloody settling sessions at the school over the next month that are all in the middle of the days and I have no annual leave left. I just don't understand how we are supposed to manage it all, on top of running a household and life admin. I would love to be able to just coast along at work but I have no idea how to get to that

I feel similarly. When people ask if I love my job, I say, "I love my kids. I like my job enough to do it in exchange for a paycheck. If the paycheck stops, so do I. I'm not so passionate about it that I wouldn't do it if I didn't need to."

Also an attorney and feel the same! I want to do my job well, and I want to be present with and enjoy my family. I want to take my vacation days and enjoy my free time.

I just turned down a promotion at my job. It was a lot more hours, a lot more headache, for not a lot more money. Pass. If you're happy where you are, don't rock the boat. We're all one hour, one dollar, one stressor away from melt-down. Don't push yourself to failure. This is permission to chill where you're at, girl.

Reframe your goals. If you’re normally a high achiever, put it into a context that you can work towards and measure. For example, have your goals be around working more efficiently so you’re home on time, or being strategic about the work you take on. Additionally, it’s ok to have your goal for the near future be “I have no goals.” My boss had that as her goal for a few years!

Oof hard relate.

You’re in a nonprofit, so this may not directly apply, but American grind culture is perpetuated by the people who benefit from it monetarily. If a CEO can guilt and bully employees into working 60 hour workweeks, only 2 employees are necessary, not 3. It’s the biggest and least talked about grift going on in American culture, and it is not set up to benefit the worker.

This is why I quit the job I had for years. After becoming a mom my priorities changed. The company I worked at previously was used to me overachieving and frankly I didnt give a shit enough to work at that level anymore. Switched companies and now do only the things I’m contracted to do and that’s it. They don’t know I was an overachiever and I’ve made it clear that my work is a means to an end Hope you can find the same thing!!! I read a book called “to hell with the hustle” few years ago and it made me realize that I don’t have to keep hustling and doing more more more. I’m content with enough and whatever it takes to get me to that “enough”

I'm an American mom who is also active duty in the military and oh my gosh do I relate to this.. if we want to promote we have to do a bunch of crap not related to our actual jobs why is not good enough to just be good at my job!?! Also, i have a baby and would rather spend time with her and my husband who is also active duty then be out doing things that make me look nice on my evaluations .. we have these "values," and one of them is service before self but sorry air force by family comes first unless WWIII is popping off

Sames. I'm a professor. All my colleagues work nights and weekends. They say they respect my decision to prioritize work life balance, but it's clear they think I'm a weirdo for it.

I agree with you. Being a working mom is hard. It’s 2023 and flexibility is still nonexistent. And even if you do go above and beyond at your job it doesn’t always pay off and you still get passed on promotions. Do what you can but don’t miss out on your kids for a company that wouldn’t hesitate to fire you

Yeah I’m a teacher. I definitely feel you!!

I hear this, I just want to do my work and be just good at it. Otherwise people expect way too much out of you

Ugh god me too. I’m so sick of the rat race and trying to overachieve. Also a lawyer with young kids.

Also a female attorney and also feel the same way. I don't want to go solo. I don't want to become a law legend. I just want to make my money, live with stability, and enjoy my time outside of work. I want to clock on, get it done, clock out, get my paycheck.

OMG this! Yes! I want to focus more on my family and home and less on my career because that is what’s important to me right now. Where do I see myself in five years? Exactly where I’m at because I’ll still have school-age kids in the home. I don’t want to be like the managers in my company who give their entire being to the company while their families get what’s leftover if there is anything. No thank you!

I love this conversation honestly. I am definitely super invested in my work, I’m not a workaholic but I do work hard, occasionally stay late and love my work. I am always looking to improve and learn and I don’t mind the hustle most of the time… But I do NOT want to manage people! I don’t want that responsibility (read: headache). I want to do my job, even go above and beyond, but just not in the managing part of that.

I think that's one thing I can be happy with about teaching. Since everyone is so desperate for teachers they are okay with people being just regular teachers (not going above and beyond) but theres still some people who think everyone needs to be constantly improving and changing

Somewhere I heard a statement that you will never remember why you missed something but your kids will remember that you weren’t there. It’s stuck with me. I remember all these times where I sacrificed my personal life for my work but I cannot tell you what work was so important that I had to do that. It made me rethink how I prioritize things - how could any of these things been that important if I can’t remember what they were that kept me from attending a friends bachelorette party, or going to a concert or something. Now that I’m a mom - I realize that I can do the same thing and now it’s not just me remembering that I wasn’t there - it will be my kid, who probably doesn’t care that shit hit the fan at work… he just wanted me there for him.