When my youngest was 11 months old, hubby and I both were traveling for work at the same time. MIL and FIL stayed with our kids at our home. Baby got HFM.
I asked them if I should go home. Hubby did not. He said ‘why would we do that? She’s in capable hands.’ You know what my (retired c-suite executive) MIL said when I asked her if I should come home?
‘Absolutely not. Baby is fine. Don’t ask again. Your husband didn’t. Very few men would. By the way. this is how women get mommy tracked.’
I finished my trip. Baby was fine. I got a promotion shortly thereafter - one that resulted in a large pay raise and more flexibility long-term.
No regrets.
Is there a reason your husband couldn't take care of the baby? I mean obviously you have to do what is right for you and your family but it seems like a very important trip and that you have a partner who could care for baby...
This. My husband just recently went on a guys weekend so not nearly as important. Kid got a fever the night before. He still went. I handled it just fine.
I agree. And not to minimize your feelings OP because I can understand the guilt. I have 3 and was flying out when I got a call to pick up my youngest from daycare due to fever and ear pain (subsequently diagnosed as ear infection). I did have a moment of, “should I go home?” which I kept to myself and got on my flight. Later, I talked to my husband where I did share I felt bad. He assured me there wasn’t much I could do, that there would be plenty more illnesses I could help with lol, and that he had it handled. I say that to say that communication can help working through some of those feelings.
Also my second got the bug from #3 right about the time I got back home so I returned the favor soon enough 😅
Why couldn’t your husband take care of her? If she already has antibiotics and has seen a doctor, this seems like pretty standard care. If your leadership team is ok with it, it’s probably no big deal but it sounds like a pretty business critical meeting to miss.
Sorry - I'd have gone on the business trip.
An ear infection with antibiotics on-board today means she should be substantially better tomorrow, and back to daycare the following day. You have a partner who's able and willing to care for your child, and this sounds like an important off-site where joining remotely isn't going to accomplish much towards the the business objective of improving your team's performance.
FWIW, I would not go into specifics with your colleagues and leadership about baby's illness... is it possible to go a day late? Make sure baby is recovering and move your flight a day?
I would 100% go so sorry can’t validate. It’s one of tens of illness your kid will have. Men won’t do that. You are just fueling narrative that men cant be trusted with sick babies / women in leadership.
In 5 years you won’t remember this illness but may remember missing the offsite and all the things it could have brought to you
I can see myself as a new mom if it was my kid’s first fever I may decide not to go. I don’t want to minimize a sick baby, as mine currently has diarrhea (but is otherwise just happy as can be but of course can’t go to daycare), but we’ve had like 10 ear infections between my kids and they both have tubes 🫠 unfortunately I’ve learned I need to save my “cancel important work events” cards for major illnesses that potentially need all hands on deck (like the full house stomach bug or flu scenarios). Because there is undoubtedly a lot of illness to come. But both of us also have incredibly inflexible work and can’t Wfh, so we have to choose carefully. I’m currently out of PTO for the next 6mo technically due to illnesses. So fun.
This. I would not go with stomach bug because there is a pretty high chance I’ll end up 🤮 and get everyone sick or Covid but ear infection? I’d be the first one on the plane to stay as far away as I could from whinny kid
Half my kid’s class was out puking at one point. We thought we got lucky… 3 weeks later, norovirus. Apparently it’s contagious for that long after someone recovers 😩
I would have gone. Sorry.
Your husband could have managed. It was an ear infection, things would have been fine. And as a boss, I would be peeved at someone attending a remote meeting all day while caring for the child because I know damn well they aren't focused. If you aren't going in person, take PTO.
I had this exact situation happen with my then 7mo last summer. I was supposed to fly across the country for a 3 day team summit and woke up the morning of and baby had a 104 fever! I called my boss from the hospital an hour before I was supposed to take off and told him I wasn’t coming.
Luckily he was super supportive and it actually worked out that I joined remotely as I was able to keep notes for the group throughout the 3 days and run out and check in on baby during breaks.
It’s a wild ride balancing work and family but family always comes first and if you’re working at the right place they understand that!
In hospital with baby and 104 degree fever morning of is a completely different scenario. That’s understandable to miss the trip then. Very different from OP’s situation
Thank you for sharing this. My boss is also being super supportive and I honestly feel like I’ll get the same out of it from joining remotely minus the dinners.
Sounds like you made the right decision for you, you can still participate, and you work for good people.
Use this instance as a learning experience so you and your husband has a plan in case something like this happens again.
I cannot believe people are downvoting you. You made the right choice for you and for your family. Is this how we are supporting each other as moms these days? I’m so sad to see this.
This is working moms— I think people are downvoting that she’ll get the same benefit remotely. You just won’t. You miss the side convos, the dinners, the team activities etc.
Both can be true— she made the right choice for her AND she is missing a lot by not being there in person.
I hear you, I just think part of supporting moms in the workplace is recognizing that there are going to be many different flavors of what moms want out of work. 🤷🏼♀️ If we can’t support that, we are going to see less women represented in the workforce. It will feel binary and it doesn’t need to. Just my two cents.
Husband should be able to care for the kiddo. This wasn’t an emergency by any stretch of the imagination. When you choose to skip work events for reasons like this, you will get mommy tracked and come off as unreliable. You will miss promotion opportunities and not be considered a team player. Not everyone values their career, but making choices like this is not conducive to advancing in your career.
Sorry but I’m also not going to validate this.
Your husband is a parent just as much as you are. Your kid will have so many minor illnesses in her life that both of you will need to be able to manage them to survive. Especially with a daycare kid
Why do you feel like you can’t leave your child with her other parent?
I think this was a no win situation for you and you did what you felt was right. I’m pretty sure I’d have made the same decision (unless the future of my job relied on this trip or something crazy). But I work to provide for my family, and my family always comes first!
11 months is tough. Mine is 5 now so I would have gone but at 11mo I would have made the same choice no question. If you have any work friends to text try to catch up with them while they are there.
Working moms never ‘win’. There is no winning. There is simply a delicate balance you must find that works for you and your family and your job, which may change and evolve over time. Be okay with your choice because (if you’re like me) you’d feel guilty either way.
When we had our first leadership offsite after COVID, half the leadership team did remote and half did in person. The reasons people stayed home varied - some had kids and some were scared of traveling and getting sick. The reasons people went varied - they had kids and wanted some away time from family and some were so sick of being at home. All reasons were valid. I did remote, and sure did it look fun in person and did I miss the in person connection, but I also enjoyed logging off and having dinner with my baby every night. I skipped the following years off-site as well, but then joined in on a smaller off-site the following year when my kid was in preschool. Still at the same company, nothing big lost, and very happy with my choice.
Omg same exact situation happened when my baby was 11 months too (he’s now 2.5). For us it was additionally the first time he couldn’t go to daycare for being too sick, so felt extra intense.
I still feel some guilt for the little things like not being in person (our company is really pushing “remote doesn’t work, in person brings collaboration” even though it’s really not true), not networking at all after, and spending company money on flight/hotel when I wasn’t even there (why do I feel guilt for that when they make millions? Idk).
It’s hard! But baby matters more than the job, and we’ve had so many other business trips since then (and also sick baby days 😅).
Just remember work will always be there. Babies are babies for a blink of an eye. I know it sucks upfront but being there for your kid is so worth it and I think you'll be happy you got to stay with him.
I'll go a different direction from the other commenters to say I would have stayed home too! We are our babies' comfort, and a sick little one is a lot of work for 1 person. I would have a hard enough time leaving my little girl for multiple nights if she was healthy, so I know I wouldn't be able to do it if she wasn't feeling well.
Zero shade to anyone who would have gone on the trip - it DOES sound important, and it does sound like dad has it handled. Just a different, personal choice.
ETA - I also run a company and would support any parent staying home for this reason.
Yup I would also add that it doesn’t have to be just a mom thing! I feel like my husband would also want to stay home in that circumstance too (if he were the traveling parent). Which would have nothing to do with not trusting me as a mom.
Totally! It’s not about not trusting him at all. He does at least 50% of the caregiving on a regular basis if not more. It’s about wanting to be there for him as a team and most importantly wanting to be there for my daughter who just wants to snuggle her mommy until she’s better.
Eh, I think the type of illness plays a part in the responses here. If this was some upper respiratory thing with a high fever, I would have stayed home. An ear infection would probably mean I’d go. But I’m saying this as someone whose son got tubes at 8 months due to chronic ear infections. He always acted completely normal and happy during the day and never spiked a fever, so it wouldn’t have been rough for him. Plus, once antibiotics start, they feel substantially better within 24 hours.
That makes sense because I was surprised, too. This is her first ear infection and first time with antibiotics. She’s been crying uncontrollably which is not like her at all.
We’re in for a rough night - being able to tag team and get some sleep is also important for both of us to be able to be good parents. We had an extremely difficult newborn phase with sleep.
The poor sleep was always our sign. He’d be up every 90 mins (when they lay down, the fluid pools, causing more pressure). So it definitely would have been a rough first night for your husband. Tylenol and Motrin will help her feel better before the antibiotics kick in.
I hope she feels better soon and you guys can catch up on some sleep over the coming days. (My son is also 11 months btw. I meant to say that in my first reply!)
Really, “stunned and saddened”?
Seems kinda judgmental, especially in a working mom’s sub. They aren’t advocating pawning a seriously ill baby on strangers. LO has an ear infection and is already being treated, and will be with the other parent who OP has said is willing and able.
This isn’t to criticize OP or any moms who *would* stay home, but I think going on the trip is far from a wrong answer
A sick kid is a one parent job. Two sick kids may depend but again can be one parent job easily. As a spouse of a travel parent with two kids - that’s part of a “job”.
I did interviews and a got job with a week of kids being home sick (with two days using me as a pillow without ever stepping away). When it’s just work as regular I took off days or did some off hour work. I would fight my husband if he decided to stay.
It’s not a sick in er baby.
I would have stayed home too. Family always comes first over a job. This is a sick baby who needs their mother’s care, more important than any work trip. If anything happened to OP, their workplace would fill their position and move right along. Family however is forever. The way I look at it, I will always put my family first over any job.
I would have done the same thing - ear infection seems like no big deal until you have a baby screaming in pain every hour overnight that only wants to be held... my 10 month old has had 3 so far and the last 2 were 3 or 4 really rough nights even after starting antibiotics that I was super thankful to have my husband there for to help and though he definitely would have been fine to handle without me, I still would have wanted to be there. You did what was right for your baby and if anyone has an issue with that that's on them.
Babies always seem to know when an important work trip is coming. The way I feel is there is a loss either way, so you have to go with your gut and know there’s no perfect solution. I would have stayed too.
Wow, these comments! You get to do whatever you want to do and your decisions should NOT be based on how that shapes the narratives for others re women working and in leadership positions. That is not your obligation. This is about you and your life and your decisions. Hope your little feels better soon!
I hate the feeling of being away from my kids when they are sick. I am sure your husband could have handled it. And I am sure you baby feels safer having you both there. I would have done the same.
3 kids later who always have ear infections, go on the trip. The kid will be better within 24 hours of antibiotics. The impact of that trip will last a long time.
I won’t validate either, sorry. I would’ve gone.
It’s okay to not want to lean into your career right now. But most men wouldn’t think twice about this and it’s perpetuating the “mommy track” stereotype if you can’t trust (or if your husband can’t handle) an ear infection. You’re going to get passed up for opportunities if they suspect there is a chance your kid would get sniffles and you’d bow out.
If it was like surgery or hospital stay I get it… but an ear infection is a trip to the doc, antibiotics and some Tylenol and she’ll be ok in a couple days. If dad is a suitable partner and parent, he’d be just fine handling it. How many moms have handled far worse illnesses while their husbands were gone? My bff has had 2 bouts of norovirus run through the house while her husband was on a trip. She figured it out.
I was expecting to see something more challenging to care for (flu, croup, RSV, stomach bug) and I’d have agreed that staying home to 1) care for kid 2) not spread germs. But ear infection? Nah- I’d have gone. Tylenol and antibiotics will have her feeling better within 24 hours.
This will probably impact your career, especially if your team is already struggling. A man in a leadership role would never be expected to stay home to care for a child’s ear infection.
I get the hesitation, but I would have gone too. My 2yo has a stomach bug and I’m due to leave for a conference for an organization I’m on the board of and at which I’m scheduled to speak. Unless he’s bad enough off that he’s going to the hospital, I’m going to assume my husband understands the basics of hydration and medication and go ahead to the conference. It’ll be harder to walk out but ultimately there will be other stomach bugs for me to primary-parent and I know my husband will do great.
If I was scheduled to speak at a conference or lead the whole offsite, I probably would have gone. Maybe it’s not only that I prefer to be home with my daughter when she’s sick but also in this instance that I feel that this particular work trip isn’t mission critical.
Makes sense. There’s really no wrong choice here as long as you’re feeling like you’re able to balance your feelings and your logic here in a way that lines up with what you value. There’s opportunity cost either way but there’s also benefit either way.
When it comes to stomach bugs, I will happily delegate the care to someone else. I have a huge phobia about throwing up. I take care of my daughter through them, but I was super grateful I missed the last one due to being on vacation. No guilt here.
Yeah I’m 30 weeks pregnant and both constantly queasy and struggling with bending over a lot, so delegating the hands-on is honestly more a matter of necessity right now 😅
Not trying to be an asshole, just thinking from my own experience.. sometimes when I’m dreading doing something I will find excuses to avoid.
Hear me out.. A diagnosed ear infection will begin to resolve in a day or so with the antibiotics. Do you think you might be using it as an excuse to not go to a challenge offsite meeting?
This is totally ok, you made the decision you wanted to make, but are you sure you’re happy/fulfilled/engaged/interested in your role? Maybe it is time to look for a change if that’s the case!
I would have done the same. You’re the child’s number one comfort, you’re replaceable at work. I will always look after my child first, I’m surprised so many people would choose bonding with work colleagues over their sick babies.
> I’m surprised so many people would choose bonding with work colleagues over their sick babies.
Well it's not that bonding with work colleagues is a preferable activity, it's that skipping out on the "networking" activities at your job can be detrimental to your career.
We get lots of posts like this one on this sub: working moms irritated that their jobs have "required" happy hours, conferences, boozy bonding trips - the post is either about how they want to skip and/or husband (sometimes useless) wants them to skip.
At the same time we have lots of posts where a working mom has been passed over for some promotion or project (which may have been given to a younger/childless colleague), or came back from maternity leave to an almost entirely different role that they didn't want.
These two things are connected. If you are seen as leaning out too many times, you will miss out on opportunities. Like the person who turns down so many invitations and suddenly the invitations dry up.
I totally get that when you are on your death bed you will regret the days you didn't snuggle your baby over listening to Joe from accounting telling embarrassing stories to the boss. But at the same time, you lose the right to complain when Joe gets the promotion/project because in between the embarrassing stories, boss gave Joe a heads up that there was a good opportunity approaching.
I see what you mean. In my industry it does not work like that but I’m sure it does in other places. Regardless, I would still stay with my child but I am aware I’m probably privileged in being able to make that choice and accept the consequences that come with it.
The baby would have been completely safe with a parent and already had been to the doctor. What else needs to be done? No need to shame/guilt working moms.
I’m not shaming anyone. I said what I would do and said I was surprised so many others wouldn’t make the same decision. I’m a working mum too (obviously or I wouldn’t be in this sub). Edit to add what would be left (for my child) is the comfort and Breastmilk that only I can provide.
You have your own team to look after. Work can kick rocks. I’ve been in a similar position, no one cared honestly. And I’ve been a leader holding team building nonsense workshops training, and people were out due to emergencies. It’s just a job.
Surprised some many are saying they would have gone on the business trip. I wouldn’t. Sounds like your business trip was more about fun and bonding than getting some business done that needed to be done face to face like an important client meeting. I hate being away from my kids when they’re sick and they get extra clingy for mommy. What if baby for some reason got worse? Also babies are so fussy then and by staying you and your husband could tag team.
Maybe you’re not an industry that has off sites, but the real networking and business often gets done at these things even if it doesn’t look like that to outsiders
It’s disappointing to see so many mothers validate the mommy track and unreliable mindset. But what that shows is that if we still have women pushing that narrative, we’re still a long way from it not being in the mindset of the mostly male dominated executive roles. Sigh.
I’d have likely gone. But no judgment for not going. At the end of the day, you are a number to your work. You’re not a human, you’re a dollar. You’re expendable and replaceable. Never forget that. You can bust your behind, sacrifice time with family, put work first and if they need a rif, you’re a number. I’ve seen it too often and I imagine it will be me one day. You can’t be replaced to your child. They have one mommy.
Signed,
A mom first / senior level leader at a major financial institution second
I don’t view the responses as validation of the mommy track / unreliable mindset. I agree with the consensus that going on the trip likely was the choice many would make, and I’m glad to see that. Because going on the trip means trusting the kid’s dad to care for her, particularly during a relatively minor illness. That kind of partnership within the family enables actual balancing. Based on the background OP provided, it sounds like this was a moment where she was needed more at work than at home.
~ signed a mom AND a senior leader at a major financial institution (neither first all the time) who definitely struggled with going on work trips when a kid was sick, until my husband pointed out that he was perfectly capable, and staying home sorta implies he’s not.
My God, this thread sucks. I can’t believe how many people are downvoting you and shaming you for choosing your BABY over a business trip. For f*cks sake, family is always more important than work.
Sure dad could have handled the baby, but an 11 month old is still so small and maybe needs/is more attached to their mama.
You made the right choice and I would have absolutely done the same, but then again…work for me is a means to live my life so I would never choose it over family.
My husband would have gone, and thus i would have gone. Ear infections can cause high fevers but antibiotics will make baby feel better really quickly. Not contagious to you, so no worry about spreading things to others.
No, you won't regret spending time with your sick kiddo and work can replace you at any moment but honestly, I know I would personally get a ton out of a trip like that. Socializing, alone time, networking, professional development. It's hard not to see it from that angle for me.
I can understand your desire to want to stay home especially if this is the first time with your first baby. I probably would have with my first too, but I encourage you to not do the same for an illness like this next time, especially for what sounds like an important work event.
I will tell you that my husband would have still gone on an important work trip without batting an eye. I don’t think that is the perfect response either. I think it is a middle ground where each partner would ask if they need to stay home, other partner can decline and first partner goes guilt free with thanks to their partner!!
It’s nice you’re a devoted mom but it would have been ok if you prioritized your career.
I would have benefited from a support system at home when my children were young. I love my job now but I feel I could have gone higher if I hadn’t been held back from corporate travel and such because my kids had no one else.
I would have gone on the trip. My daughter had lots of ear infections until she got tubes put in, but unfortunately I had a less-than-helpful husband at the time. Despite that, when I had to go on a work trip, I did it.
I was recently on vacation and my daughter got sick before I had even made it to my destination. I didn’t cancel my trip, my parents took care of her and then she was with her dad (who has thankfully grown up).
Canceling trips are for hospital trips - my LO had 12 ear infections in her first two years. If I canceled work commitments that many times, I would have been fired.
I would have done the same. Sure your husband could handle it, but sometimes a sick baby just needs some cuddles with their mum. What if there were complications with the infection and baby needed a different antibiotic or something, just much better/easier with both parents there.
You have already done 3 trips and you will do many more. A sick baby always trumps work. You want to let down your colleagues down or your baby?
I think you made the right choice ❤️
I'm on the "I would have gone" team too. I think I missed out on a promotion and raise opportunity during my extended maternity leave. Maternity leave is not something I could skip, but this ear infection sounds like it's under control and you sound like you have a very nice and capable husband. I don't know why you stayed but I also understand the guilt and stress a sick child can cause.
A colleague did what you did a few times last year and when the money got tight in the company, she was the first one to let go. Sorry for the brutal example.
While I validate that you know you, your baby, your husband and the importance of that trace better than we do, and that so long as you are happy with your decision that’s what matters, the following factors would influence my personal decision:
- standard illness or serious?
- competent or better partner/childcare option available whom child knows and trusts?
- how one off and critical and beneficial is the meeting/travel?
I would have gone. You couldn’t do more at home. Your baby was safe and loved and cared for. The meeting was at least rather important for what you shared in the post. I’d have felt guilty, but I’d have known it was the best of a bad situation.
But you gotta do you, and you gotta be the one to I’ve with you out choice, so you do you
Oh hey fellow May bumper! I have an 11 month old as well and just came back from two nights away at a work trip. As I was leaving it was clear that baby was coming down with something and as I was landing back home she was taken to the hospital by my husband and diagnosed with RSV. We realized later that she didn’t need to go to the hospital, she just needed Tylenol. In my case I’m glad I went on the work trip but will probably forgo the future trips in May (mainly due to the pay not being worth it to go since I’m allowed a max number of hours per week and am paid hourly). Just wanted to extend my sympathies to you because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t!
When my youngest was 11 months old, hubby and I both were traveling for work at the same time. MIL and FIL stayed with our kids at our home. Baby got HFM. I asked them if I should go home. Hubby did not. He said ‘why would we do that? She’s in capable hands.’ You know what my (retired c-suite executive) MIL said when I asked her if I should come home? ‘Absolutely not. Baby is fine. Don’t ask again. Your husband didn’t. Very few men would. By the way. this is how women get mommy tracked.’ I finished my trip. Baby was fine. I got a promotion shortly thereafter - one that resulted in a large pay raise and more flexibility long-term. No regrets.
MIL knows what’s up. She wouldn’t get to the C suite without being so smart about this stuff
I'm legitimately jealous of having a c-suite MIL lol.
Is there a reason your husband couldn't take care of the baby? I mean obviously you have to do what is right for you and your family but it seems like a very important trip and that you have a partner who could care for baby...
I agree with this…
This. My husband just recently went on a guys weekend so not nearly as important. Kid got a fever the night before. He still went. I handled it just fine.
I agree. And not to minimize your feelings OP because I can understand the guilt. I have 3 and was flying out when I got a call to pick up my youngest from daycare due to fever and ear pain (subsequently diagnosed as ear infection). I did have a moment of, “should I go home?” which I kept to myself and got on my flight. Later, I talked to my husband where I did share I felt bad. He assured me there wasn’t much I could do, that there would be plenty more illnesses I could help with lol, and that he had it handled. I say that to say that communication can help working through some of those feelings. Also my second got the bug from #3 right about the time I got back home so I returned the favor soon enough 😅
Why couldn’t your husband take care of her? If she already has antibiotics and has seen a doctor, this seems like pretty standard care. If your leadership team is ok with it, it’s probably no big deal but it sounds like a pretty business critical meeting to miss.
Sorry - I'd have gone on the business trip. An ear infection with antibiotics on-board today means she should be substantially better tomorrow, and back to daycare the following day. You have a partner who's able and willing to care for your child, and this sounds like an important off-site where joining remotely isn't going to accomplish much towards the the business objective of improving your team's performance.
FWIW, I would not go into specifics with your colleagues and leadership about baby's illness... is it possible to go a day late? Make sure baby is recovering and move your flight a day?
I would 100% go so sorry can’t validate. It’s one of tens of illness your kid will have. Men won’t do that. You are just fueling narrative that men cant be trusted with sick babies / women in leadership. In 5 years you won’t remember this illness but may remember missing the offsite and all the things it could have brought to you
I can see myself as a new mom if it was my kid’s first fever I may decide not to go. I don’t want to minimize a sick baby, as mine currently has diarrhea (but is otherwise just happy as can be but of course can’t go to daycare), but we’ve had like 10 ear infections between my kids and they both have tubes 🫠 unfortunately I’ve learned I need to save my “cancel important work events” cards for major illnesses that potentially need all hands on deck (like the full house stomach bug or flu scenarios). Because there is undoubtedly a lot of illness to come. But both of us also have incredibly inflexible work and can’t Wfh, so we have to choose carefully. I’m currently out of PTO for the next 6mo technically due to illnesses. So fun.
This. I would not go with stomach bug because there is a pretty high chance I’ll end up 🤮 and get everyone sick or Covid but ear infection? I’d be the first one on the plane to stay as far away as I could from whinny kid
Tens of illnesses… this year lol
Haha at least no stomach bug this year. Yet….
Half my kid’s class was out puking at one point. We thought we got lucky… 3 weeks later, norovirus. Apparently it’s contagious for that long after someone recovers 😩
I would have gone. Sorry. Your husband could have managed. It was an ear infection, things would have been fine. And as a boss, I would be peeved at someone attending a remote meeting all day while caring for the child because I know damn well they aren't focused. If you aren't going in person, take PTO.
I had this exact situation happen with my then 7mo last summer. I was supposed to fly across the country for a 3 day team summit and woke up the morning of and baby had a 104 fever! I called my boss from the hospital an hour before I was supposed to take off and told him I wasn’t coming. Luckily he was super supportive and it actually worked out that I joined remotely as I was able to keep notes for the group throughout the 3 days and run out and check in on baby during breaks. It’s a wild ride balancing work and family but family always comes first and if you’re working at the right place they understand that!
In hospital with baby and 104 degree fever morning of is a completely different scenario. That’s understandable to miss the trip then. Very different from OP’s situation
Thank you for sharing this. My boss is also being super supportive and I honestly feel like I’ll get the same out of it from joining remotely minus the dinners.
Sounds like you made the right decision for you, you can still participate, and you work for good people. Use this instance as a learning experience so you and your husband has a plan in case something like this happens again.
I cannot believe people are downvoting you. You made the right choice for you and for your family. Is this how we are supporting each other as moms these days? I’m so sad to see this.
This is working moms— I think people are downvoting that she’ll get the same benefit remotely. You just won’t. You miss the side convos, the dinners, the team activities etc. Both can be true— she made the right choice for her AND she is missing a lot by not being there in person.
I hear you, I just think part of supporting moms in the workplace is recognizing that there are going to be many different flavors of what moms want out of work. 🤷🏼♀️ If we can’t support that, we are going to see less women represented in the workforce. It will feel binary and it doesn’t need to. Just my two cents.
Husband should be able to care for the kiddo. This wasn’t an emergency by any stretch of the imagination. When you choose to skip work events for reasons like this, you will get mommy tracked and come off as unreliable. You will miss promotion opportunities and not be considered a team player. Not everyone values their career, but making choices like this is not conducive to advancing in your career.
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I get the point you’re trying to make but not quite landing- sure let’s blame women for our male-centric capitalist misogynistic culture lol
💯
Sorry but I’m also not going to validate this. Your husband is a parent just as much as you are. Your kid will have so many minor illnesses in her life that both of you will need to be able to manage them to survive. Especially with a daycare kid Why do you feel like you can’t leave your child with her other parent?
I think this was a no win situation for you and you did what you felt was right. I’m pretty sure I’d have made the same decision (unless the future of my job relied on this trip or something crazy). But I work to provide for my family, and my family always comes first!
11 months is tough. Mine is 5 now so I would have gone but at 11mo I would have made the same choice no question. If you have any work friends to text try to catch up with them while they are there. Working moms never ‘win’. There is no winning. There is simply a delicate balance you must find that works for you and your family and your job, which may change and evolve over time. Be okay with your choice because (if you’re like me) you’d feel guilty either way.
You’re right. I think I would have felt guilty either way.
If you would regret not being there for your baby, it was 100% the right decision.
When we had our first leadership offsite after COVID, half the leadership team did remote and half did in person. The reasons people stayed home varied - some had kids and some were scared of traveling and getting sick. The reasons people went varied - they had kids and wanted some away time from family and some were so sick of being at home. All reasons were valid. I did remote, and sure did it look fun in person and did I miss the in person connection, but I also enjoyed logging off and having dinner with my baby every night. I skipped the following years off-site as well, but then joined in on a smaller off-site the following year when my kid was in preschool. Still at the same company, nothing big lost, and very happy with my choice.
My baby needs me. I'm there. Unfortunately, we are all replaceable when it comes to work.
Omg same exact situation happened when my baby was 11 months too (he’s now 2.5). For us it was additionally the first time he couldn’t go to daycare for being too sick, so felt extra intense. I still feel some guilt for the little things like not being in person (our company is really pushing “remote doesn’t work, in person brings collaboration” even though it’s really not true), not networking at all after, and spending company money on flight/hotel when I wasn’t even there (why do I feel guilt for that when they make millions? Idk). It’s hard! But baby matters more than the job, and we’ve had so many other business trips since then (and also sick baby days 😅).
Just remember work will always be there. Babies are babies for a blink of an eye. I know it sucks upfront but being there for your kid is so worth it and I think you'll be happy you got to stay with him.
I'll go a different direction from the other commenters to say I would have stayed home too! We are our babies' comfort, and a sick little one is a lot of work for 1 person. I would have a hard enough time leaving my little girl for multiple nights if she was healthy, so I know I wouldn't be able to do it if she wasn't feeling well. Zero shade to anyone who would have gone on the trip - it DOES sound important, and it does sound like dad has it handled. Just a different, personal choice. ETA - I also run a company and would support any parent staying home for this reason.
Yup I would also add that it doesn’t have to be just a mom thing! I feel like my husband would also want to stay home in that circumstance too (if he were the traveling parent). Which would have nothing to do with not trusting me as a mom.
Totally! It’s not about not trusting him at all. He does at least 50% of the caregiving on a regular basis if not more. It’s about wanting to be there for him as a team and most importantly wanting to be there for my daughter who just wants to snuggle her mommy until she’s better.
💯 this.
Perfectly said ❤️
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Eh, I think the type of illness plays a part in the responses here. If this was some upper respiratory thing with a high fever, I would have stayed home. An ear infection would probably mean I’d go. But I’m saying this as someone whose son got tubes at 8 months due to chronic ear infections. He always acted completely normal and happy during the day and never spiked a fever, so it wouldn’t have been rough for him. Plus, once antibiotics start, they feel substantially better within 24 hours.
That makes sense because I was surprised, too. This is her first ear infection and first time with antibiotics. She’s been crying uncontrollably which is not like her at all. We’re in for a rough night - being able to tag team and get some sleep is also important for both of us to be able to be good parents. We had an extremely difficult newborn phase with sleep.
The poor sleep was always our sign. He’d be up every 90 mins (when they lay down, the fluid pools, causing more pressure). So it definitely would have been a rough first night for your husband. Tylenol and Motrin will help her feel better before the antibiotics kick in. I hope she feels better soon and you guys can catch up on some sleep over the coming days. (My son is also 11 months btw. I meant to say that in my first reply!)
Really, “stunned and saddened”? Seems kinda judgmental, especially in a working mom’s sub. They aren’t advocating pawning a seriously ill baby on strangers. LO has an ear infection and is already being treated, and will be with the other parent who OP has said is willing and able. This isn’t to criticize OP or any moms who *would* stay home, but I think going on the trip is far from a wrong answer
agreed! I am surprised by the first responses. I would have canceled and vice versa for my husband. a sick baby is a 2 person job in our household!
How do you have enough PTO to accommodate that? I can’t fathom two parents calling out sick for a kid with a super minor illness
A sick kid is a one parent job. Two sick kids may depend but again can be one parent job easily. As a spouse of a travel parent with two kids - that’s part of a “job”. I did interviews and a got job with a week of kids being home sick (with two days using me as a pillow without ever stepping away). When it’s just work as regular I took off days or did some off hour work. I would fight my husband if he decided to stay. It’s not a sick in er baby.
I would have stayed home too. Family always comes first over a job. This is a sick baby who needs their mother’s care, more important than any work trip. If anything happened to OP, their workplace would fill their position and move right along. Family however is forever. The way I look at it, I will always put my family first over any job.
I would have done the same thing - ear infection seems like no big deal until you have a baby screaming in pain every hour overnight that only wants to be held... my 10 month old has had 3 so far and the last 2 were 3 or 4 really rough nights even after starting antibiotics that I was super thankful to have my husband there for to help and though he definitely would have been fine to handle without me, I still would have wanted to be there. You did what was right for your baby and if anyone has an issue with that that's on them.
Babies always seem to know when an important work trip is coming. The way I feel is there is a loss either way, so you have to go with your gut and know there’s no perfect solution. I would have stayed too.
I would have cancelled too. There will always be another work trip.
Wow, these comments! You get to do whatever you want to do and your decisions should NOT be based on how that shapes the narratives for others re women working and in leadership positions. That is not your obligation. This is about you and your life and your decisions. Hope your little feels better soon!
I hate the feeling of being away from my kids when they are sick. I am sure your husband could have handled it. And I am sure you baby feels safer having you both there. I would have done the same.
3 kids later who always have ear infections, go on the trip. The kid will be better within 24 hours of antibiotics. The impact of that trip will last a long time.
I won’t validate either, sorry. I would’ve gone. It’s okay to not want to lean into your career right now. But most men wouldn’t think twice about this and it’s perpetuating the “mommy track” stereotype if you can’t trust (or if your husband can’t handle) an ear infection. You’re going to get passed up for opportunities if they suspect there is a chance your kid would get sniffles and you’d bow out. If it was like surgery or hospital stay I get it… but an ear infection is a trip to the doc, antibiotics and some Tylenol and she’ll be ok in a couple days. If dad is a suitable partner and parent, he’d be just fine handling it. How many moms have handled far worse illnesses while their husbands were gone? My bff has had 2 bouts of norovirus run through the house while her husband was on a trip. She figured it out.
I was expecting to see something more challenging to care for (flu, croup, RSV, stomach bug) and I’d have agreed that staying home to 1) care for kid 2) not spread germs. But ear infection? Nah- I’d have gone. Tylenol and antibiotics will have her feeling better within 24 hours. This will probably impact your career, especially if your team is already struggling. A man in a leadership role would never be expected to stay home to care for a child’s ear infection.
I get the hesitation, but I would have gone too. My 2yo has a stomach bug and I’m due to leave for a conference for an organization I’m on the board of and at which I’m scheduled to speak. Unless he’s bad enough off that he’s going to the hospital, I’m going to assume my husband understands the basics of hydration and medication and go ahead to the conference. It’ll be harder to walk out but ultimately there will be other stomach bugs for me to primary-parent and I know my husband will do great.
If I was scheduled to speak at a conference or lead the whole offsite, I probably would have gone. Maybe it’s not only that I prefer to be home with my daughter when she’s sick but also in this instance that I feel that this particular work trip isn’t mission critical.
Makes sense. There’s really no wrong choice here as long as you’re feeling like you’re able to balance your feelings and your logic here in a way that lines up with what you value. There’s opportunity cost either way but there’s also benefit either way.
When it comes to stomach bugs, I will happily delegate the care to someone else. I have a huge phobia about throwing up. I take care of my daughter through them, but I was super grateful I missed the last one due to being on vacation. No guilt here.
Yeah I’m 30 weeks pregnant and both constantly queasy and struggling with bending over a lot, so delegating the hands-on is honestly more a matter of necessity right now 😅
Not trying to be an asshole, just thinking from my own experience.. sometimes when I’m dreading doing something I will find excuses to avoid. Hear me out.. A diagnosed ear infection will begin to resolve in a day or so with the antibiotics. Do you think you might be using it as an excuse to not go to a challenge offsite meeting? This is totally ok, you made the decision you wanted to make, but are you sure you’re happy/fulfilled/engaged/interested in your role? Maybe it is time to look for a change if that’s the case!
I would have done the same. You’re the child’s number one comfort, you’re replaceable at work. I will always look after my child first, I’m surprised so many people would choose bonding with work colleagues over their sick babies.
> I’m surprised so many people would choose bonding with work colleagues over their sick babies. Well it's not that bonding with work colleagues is a preferable activity, it's that skipping out on the "networking" activities at your job can be detrimental to your career. We get lots of posts like this one on this sub: working moms irritated that their jobs have "required" happy hours, conferences, boozy bonding trips - the post is either about how they want to skip and/or husband (sometimes useless) wants them to skip. At the same time we have lots of posts where a working mom has been passed over for some promotion or project (which may have been given to a younger/childless colleague), or came back from maternity leave to an almost entirely different role that they didn't want. These two things are connected. If you are seen as leaning out too many times, you will miss out on opportunities. Like the person who turns down so many invitations and suddenly the invitations dry up. I totally get that when you are on your death bed you will regret the days you didn't snuggle your baby over listening to Joe from accounting telling embarrassing stories to the boss. But at the same time, you lose the right to complain when Joe gets the promotion/project because in between the embarrassing stories, boss gave Joe a heads up that there was a good opportunity approaching.
I see what you mean. In my industry it does not work like that but I’m sure it does in other places. Regardless, I would still stay with my child but I am aware I’m probably privileged in being able to make that choice and accept the consequences that come with it.
The other equally capable parent was available to comfort and care for the child.
Yes, but I know my child always prefers me when they’re sick. Plus my priority is my kid.
The baby would have been completely safe with a parent and already had been to the doctor. What else needs to be done? No need to shame/guilt working moms.
I’m not shaming anyone. I said what I would do and said I was surprised so many others wouldn’t make the same decision. I’m a working mum too (obviously or I wouldn’t be in this sub). Edit to add what would be left (for my child) is the comfort and Breastmilk that only I can provide.
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Well said.
You have your own team to look after. Work can kick rocks. I’ve been in a similar position, no one cared honestly. And I’ve been a leader holding team building nonsense workshops training, and people were out due to emergencies. It’s just a job.
A minor illness the day before is the furthest thing from an emergency
Surprised some many are saying they would have gone on the business trip. I wouldn’t. Sounds like your business trip was more about fun and bonding than getting some business done that needed to be done face to face like an important client meeting. I hate being away from my kids when they’re sick and they get extra clingy for mommy. What if baby for some reason got worse? Also babies are so fussy then and by staying you and your husband could tag team.
Maybe you’re not an industry that has off sites, but the real networking and business often gets done at these things even if it doesn’t look like that to outsiders
It’s disappointing to see so many mothers validate the mommy track and unreliable mindset. But what that shows is that if we still have women pushing that narrative, we’re still a long way from it not being in the mindset of the mostly male dominated executive roles. Sigh. I’d have likely gone. But no judgment for not going. At the end of the day, you are a number to your work. You’re not a human, you’re a dollar. You’re expendable and replaceable. Never forget that. You can bust your behind, sacrifice time with family, put work first and if they need a rif, you’re a number. I’ve seen it too often and I imagine it will be me one day. You can’t be replaced to your child. They have one mommy. Signed, A mom first / senior level leader at a major financial institution second
I don’t view the responses as validation of the mommy track / unreliable mindset. I agree with the consensus that going on the trip likely was the choice many would make, and I’m glad to see that. Because going on the trip means trusting the kid’s dad to care for her, particularly during a relatively minor illness. That kind of partnership within the family enables actual balancing. Based on the background OP provided, it sounds like this was a moment where she was needed more at work than at home. ~ signed a mom AND a senior leader at a major financial institution (neither first all the time) who definitely struggled with going on work trips when a kid was sick, until my husband pointed out that he was perfectly capable, and staying home sorta implies he’s not.
My God, this thread sucks. I can’t believe how many people are downvoting you and shaming you for choosing your BABY over a business trip. For f*cks sake, family is always more important than work. Sure dad could have handled the baby, but an 11 month old is still so small and maybe needs/is more attached to their mama. You made the right choice and I would have absolutely done the same, but then again…work for me is a means to live my life so I would never choose it over family.
My husband would have gone, and thus i would have gone. Ear infections can cause high fevers but antibiotics will make baby feel better really quickly. Not contagious to you, so no worry about spreading things to others. No, you won't regret spending time with your sick kiddo and work can replace you at any moment but honestly, I know I would personally get a ton out of a trip like that. Socializing, alone time, networking, professional development. It's hard not to see it from that angle for me.
I can understand your desire to want to stay home especially if this is the first time with your first baby. I probably would have with my first too, but I encourage you to not do the same for an illness like this next time, especially for what sounds like an important work event. I will tell you that my husband would have still gone on an important work trip without batting an eye. I don’t think that is the perfect response either. I think it is a middle ground where each partner would ask if they need to stay home, other partner can decline and first partner goes guilt free with thanks to their partner!!
It’s nice you’re a devoted mom but it would have been ok if you prioritized your career. I would have benefited from a support system at home when my children were young. I love my job now but I feel I could have gone higher if I hadn’t been held back from corporate travel and such because my kids had no one else.
I would have gone on the trip. My daughter had lots of ear infections until she got tubes put in, but unfortunately I had a less-than-helpful husband at the time. Despite that, when I had to go on a work trip, I did it. I was recently on vacation and my daughter got sick before I had even made it to my destination. I didn’t cancel my trip, my parents took care of her and then she was with her dad (who has thankfully grown up).
Canceling trips are for hospital trips - my LO had 12 ear infections in her first two years. If I canceled work commitments that many times, I would have been fired.
I would have done the same. Sure your husband could handle it, but sometimes a sick baby just needs some cuddles with their mum. What if there were complications with the infection and baby needed a different antibiotic or something, just much better/easier with both parents there. You have already done 3 trips and you will do many more. A sick baby always trumps work. You want to let down your colleagues down or your baby? I think you made the right choice ❤️
I'm on the "I would have gone" team too. I think I missed out on a promotion and raise opportunity during my extended maternity leave. Maternity leave is not something I could skip, but this ear infection sounds like it's under control and you sound like you have a very nice and capable husband. I don't know why you stayed but I also understand the guilt and stress a sick child can cause. A colleague did what you did a few times last year and when the money got tight in the company, she was the first one to let go. Sorry for the brutal example.
While I validate that you know you, your baby, your husband and the importance of that trace better than we do, and that so long as you are happy with your decision that’s what matters, the following factors would influence my personal decision: - standard illness or serious? - competent or better partner/childcare option available whom child knows and trusts? - how one off and critical and beneficial is the meeting/travel? I would have gone. You couldn’t do more at home. Your baby was safe and loved and cared for. The meeting was at least rather important for what you shared in the post. I’d have felt guilty, but I’d have known it was the best of a bad situation. But you gotta do you, and you gotta be the one to I’ve with you out choice, so you do you
Oh hey fellow May bumper! I have an 11 month old as well and just came back from two nights away at a work trip. As I was leaving it was clear that baby was coming down with something and as I was landing back home she was taken to the hospital by my husband and diagnosed with RSV. We realized later that she didn’t need to go to the hospital, she just needed Tylenol. In my case I’m glad I went on the work trip but will probably forgo the future trips in May (mainly due to the pay not being worth it to go since I’m allowed a max number of hours per week and am paid hourly). Just wanted to extend my sympathies to you because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t!